Website / The Onion

Stay misinformed.

Tu Stultus Es^Lat. Literally, "You are stupid."

The Onion is a satirical newspaper devoted to all aspects of American life and culture, frequently parodying tropes mentioned on This Very Wiki. It started in 1988 as a print newspaper by a pair of students at the University of Wisconsin, and originally distributed in Madison and Milwaukee. It has since branched off into the Internet, including video clips supposedly originating from the Onion News Network. Its final print edition was published in December 2013, but the website has carried on.

The Onion also has an entertainment/pop culture newspaper and website called the AV Club, which features pop culture news, reviews of almost every form of media (TV, albums, books, etc.) and interviews presented in a humorous but factual tone. The site's head writer was Nathan Rabin until 2013. The AV Club maintains a separate identity and has very little (if anything) in common with The Onion, mostly to avoid people mistakenly thinking that the AV Club presents fake news like The Onion.

The Onion has in the past extended into a movie (critically derided, even by its own AV Club), and most recently two TV series — OSN Sportsdome on Comedy Central and Onion News Network on IFC. In 2013, a pilot for Onion News Empire, a behind-the-scenes look at the ONN newsroom, was made for Amazon.com. (It wasn't picked up.) There have also been three original Onion books — Our Dumb Century, a history of the 20th century told through fake Onion front pages, Our Dumb World, a Hollywood Atlas filled with stereotypes and Black Comedy, and The Onion Book of Known Knowledge, a mock encyclopedia of all existing knowledge.

In Summer 2012, the Onion's YouTube arm debuted Onion Digital Studios, producing parodies of non-news programming ranging from nature documentaries to reality television. In Summer 2014, the Onion launched another sister site, ClickHole, a Clickbait Gag parodying sites such as Buzzfeed, Upworthy, The Huffington Post, and Cracked, and in 2015, they launched StarWipe, a parody of celebrity tabloids like TMZ. StarWipe was discontinued in July 2016. In 2018, the Onion released the podcast A Very Fatal Murder, which parodies True Crime podcasts such as Serial.

It's like a Transatlantic Equivalent of Private Eye (except decades younger, without the investigative journalism, and as a website) and similar to the later NJUZ and Newsbiscuit (which was created on the model "a British Onion"). Similarly, Ministry Of Harmony describes itself as "The Onion for China". Two American-based sites are essentially twists on The Onion for different audiences — The Babylon Bee is essentially "The Onion for conservatives", while The Hard Times is "The Onion for punk rockers".

There's also the satirical Venezuelan news blog El Chigüire Bipolar,^note Spanish for "The Bipolar Capibara" which uses a similar, Onion-like format to lampoon the country's political situation, and Le Gorafi^note the name is an inversion of Le Figaro, a rightwing newspaper, a French website created during the 2012 presidential campaign. And, last but not least, there's also the good old Uncyclopedia, which is to Wikipedia what The Onion is to journalism. As of 2019 there also exists a Stellaris version called Xenonion News created by fans of the game, similar to The Onion but set in a loosely connected Stellaris universe.

The site can be found here.

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Area Man Embodies And Parodies Tropes:

#-D

• Aborted Arc: The mysterious congressman's presidential campaign initially seemed like just another funny article, but it was then followed up by him challenging the other candidates to a debate at dawn. Since then, nothing.

• After the End: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital" claims that the USA will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland by the time a newly-born baby reaches adulthood. This one also has wild Mood Whiplash.

• A.I. Is a Crapshoot: The Fact Zone was made fully automated at one point, which allowed it to develop sapience and an obsessive crush on Brooke Alvarez.

• The Alleged Car: Jim Anchower's perpetually abused Ford Festiva.
• All Girls Want Bad Boys: "Irrepressible Bad Boy Slays Seven". Parodied to the point where it crosses over into Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!. The bad boy in question is a sadistic, sociopathic mass murderer, yet the media still swoons over him because he's a handsome film star.
• All Issues Are Political Issues: In the article "Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once", Chomsky tries to have a day off, but everything reminds him of oppression.
  Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with multinational corporate powers.
  After stopping at a roadside McDonald's, Chomsky was unable to enjoy the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.
  Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.

• Alpha Bitch: Fact Zone host Brooke Alvarez. She even exposed the entire sad life of a viewer ''just for correcting a history segment.

• Alternate History: A meta-example, in that the alternate history story is itself written in an alternate history universe (compare The Man in the High Castle, one of the oldest AH novels, which uses a similar premise with the in-story story The Grasshopper Lies Heavy) "Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War"

• Animal Metaphor: An article has an entire family attempting to use the family dog as a metaphor for their relationship difficulties—The father for example saying that the dog feels confined and needs to run free, while the youngest child says the dog just wants some attention...
• Animal Wrongs Group:
  • "Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit" involves PETA raiding a lab and killing scientists to save a rabbit. To make matters worse, said rabbit gets eaten almost immediately after they free it.

• Antiquated Linguistics: For example: "Per the Mysterious Congressman's directive, the debate will held in one fortnight's time on the shores of the Tidal Basin at day's first light. It will be broadcast simultaneously by all network and cable-news channels."
• Apathetic Student: Played for laughs in "Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish", wherein a lazy student manages to rouse public support when he flunks his Spanish class so he can smoke cigarettes, which is misinterpreted by the right-wing lobby as a grand patriotic protest. The kid really is just obnoxious and stupid.
  Kyle: I just basically thought Spanish sucked, what's the point? I'm American, I speak American!
• Appeal to Tradition: "Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?" has this as a major focus: the reporters focus only on the Money Hole's status as a long tradition and a part of American identity (with a side note of "to stop now would be an insult to everyone who's dumped money in the hole"), and nobody elaborates on why destroying money is actually beneficial.

• Awful Wedded Life: Jean Teasdale and her "Hubby Rick". Rick is an alcoholic who spends most of his free time at a bar, and her interactions with Jean mainly consist of him putting her down or making fun of her. Jean got her ideas about marriage from Phyllis Diller's routines and Erma Bombeck's columns; in one article she writes about her astonishment upon learning that in theory, a marriage is supposed to be happy and harmonious.
• Ax-Crazy : A Jerk Jock shooting innocent students and having killed animals for fun and written a manifesto about him skinning a classmate and wearing it as a pelt.

• Bait-and-Switch Comment: Several horoscopes are like this.
  Gemini: You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."

• Batman Grabs a Gun: Played for laughs as the principles which are broken in desperation are really silly to begin with: "Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department"
  "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down."
• Be Yourself: Deconstructed in "Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself".
  "I'm glad he felt comfortable being himself," said brother Chris Scanlon, 39. "But when you're in full-blown mid-30s-crisis mode with misogynist tendencies and a desperate, neurotic need for approval, maybe 'the real you' is not the best thing to put forward."

• Bigger Than Jesus: Published an apology in their corrections section after purportedly making such a remark, consequently revealing Inverted intentions:
  "We would like to apologize for stating last week that The Onion is 'bigger than Jesus'. What we meant to imply is that The Onion is more important and influential than Jesus, not that our newspaper is in any way physically larger than He was. We regret any confusion."

• Bilingual Bonus: The so-called founder's last name is Zwiebel, German for "Onion".

• Black Comedy Rape: "Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper" is a subversion, as the article's clownish treatment of the horrific subject matter was itself the joke.
• Black Sheep: "Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep". In the last quote, the siblings' mother reassures them that this isn't the case, before mentioning that she felt that way among her siblings.

• Blonde Republican Sex Kitten: Joad Cressbeckler is a twist on this trope. He's a parody of an old, Xenophobic, curmudgeony conservative, but he frequently ends up taking liberal stances on things like gay rights, immigration, and GMOs, but for his own bizarre reasons.
• Blues: Exemplified in the recurring character of supposedly legendary Mississippi Delta guitar player Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, who frequently engages in pointless Epic Rocking, sings about how his woman does him wrong, and brings sanctions against Yemen.
• Book Ends: The Onion opened Barack Obama's presidency with Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job, and ended it with Black Man Out Of Work; both articles treat the presidency as just another undesirable, unpleasant job.

• Bread and Circuses: "48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech"
  "At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Lena Dunham was anxiously waiting to hear if Girls would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series."
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
  • An autistic reporter covering a train accident said that "Before the train came to a complete stop, it ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a Snickers wrapper, a man, and a glove."
  • "Animator Misses The Birth Of His Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Penis Bulge"
  "I hope when audiences go to see Incredibles 2 this summer, they admire all the technical details Pixar's animators put into these characters- their hair, their eyelashes, the way their penises consistently rest up against their super-suits."

• Break the Haughty: "Ask the Dauphin". While the Dauphin is an arrogant Royal Brat with an incestuous crush on his sister for the responses to the first three letters, in the fourth, he's completely broken as a result of being thrown in jail, and he's shown pleading for news about his family and asking for a fire.

• Bulungi:
  • The Trope Namer on fictitious African countries originated in this article.
  • "U.S. Shocked Andorra Not In Africa", where the U.S. State Department accidentally sends aid to the tiny European principality of Andorra after hearing their vaguely African-sounding name and just assuming they were a famine-stricken warzone. It turns out that the map they use has only five countries — "Congo" (taking up most of the northern continent), "Mumbambu", "???", "South Africa", and a Madagascar-like landmass named "Claw Island".

• Call-Back: One article makes reference to an online voting system that allows millions of masturbators to take part in the voting process. Two days later, the article "Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way" ends with the nonvoter admitting he might start voting if the online voting for masturbators was up by 2012.
• The Cameo: Ben Stiller, Rachel Maddow, and Mike Huckabee were all on the TV show. The last two were on the same episode.

• Captain Space, Defender of Earth!: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000, the recurring enemy of Evil Overlord columnist Gorzo the Mighty.
• The Casanova: Recurring columnist Smoove B is basically a sexy R&B song personified. His columns detail the art of seduction and his various sexual encounters past and planned.

• Cats Are Mean: Things All Cats Do That Prove They Are Psychopaths include scoring high on the Triarchic Psychopathy Measure, purring during the Challenger explosion, and refusing to wear cute bowties among other things.

• Clickbait Gag: The article "How Internet Clickbait Works" describes the process of creating sensationalist content in nine steps, starting with nine days where the brain prepares to have an immediate reaction to "Check this out!" and ending with money mysteriously being earned.

• Cluster F-Bomb:
  • "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades", a profanity-laced faux editorial in which Gillette's then-CEO "announced" that the company would introduce a five-blade razor.
  • The I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out article with both the title and content consists of 587 words, and of those words, 81 of them include an instance of "fuck", with a few (really, there's way less of those than fuck) other obscenities in the article as well. The article is appropriately capped off with the final sentence just being "Fuck."
  • "Our Dumb Century" has a story about one of FDR's fireside chats being a "long string of cuss words." Basically, "My fellow Americans..." were the only words out of his mouth that weren't an obscenity of some sort.

Falk: Why do you want to get out of here?
Wasserman: For my family.
Falk: Can you stack your family?
Wasserman: ...What?
Falk: I want to be in prison.
Wasserman: No, you don't.

• Continuity Creep: The show on IFC had some recurring stories, such as the one involving time travelers trying to kill Suri Cruise and the FDA official yelling for everyone to start eating healthier.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Joad Cressbeckler, first introduced as an "even more grizzled and ornery" alternative to John McCain during the "War For The White House", now has his own series (The Cressbeckler Stance) parodying FOX News' primetime commentary shows.
  • Several stories about an "Area Man" visiting restaurants are about the same man (Don Turnbee of Erie, PA) with the same photo model.
  • Another couple of stories are about a veterinary assistant with some odd quirks; more recently, the same idiot showed up in two stories- the first one essentially said "this idiot shouldn't be allowed to vote", while the second one takes a potshot at Donald Trump's supporters.
  • One occured in the same issue; a Jim Anchower column has him helping a driver who then gives him her number, at which point presumably an ex of her's calls him up. It's implied to be fellow columnist Smoove B, and this column has his side of the story (he doesn't say Anchower's name, but the appearance is a dead giveaway).
  • While fact checking the third presidential debate, they claim to have already fact-checked Donald Trump's quote about the NAFTA. Indeed they previously had, while fact checking the first debate
  • In The Onion's Election Glossary, 8 of the definitions are lifted straight from The Onion Book of Known Knowledge.

• Conviction by Contradiction: "Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster". What was the perpetrator's alibi? He was at the North Pole watching the penguins.

• Crapsack World:
  • The world as a whole. In The Know's world has ghouls, robot overlords, baby skulls as jewelry... Rule of Funny produces some hilariously-horrific things.
  • Alluded to in the article This What World Like Now, following the Boston Marathon blast in April 2013. The last line says it all:
  “I guess the world’s a pretty fucked-up place, huh?”

• Crossover Cosmology: Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program. Kukulkan, the Mayan feathered serpent god spends this month in Vatican City, while the next month the Abrahamic God stays with the Taoist thunder god Lei Gong in the cloud kingdom over Tibet.

• Dagwood Sandwich: "Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable".
• The Danza: In-Universe, Tracy Toth, aka Today Now's Tracy Gill.
• Darker and Edgier: "Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single 'Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend'".
• A Day in the Limelight: "Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot?"
• Dead All Along: Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months
• Deadline News: Implied in "‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball"
• December–December Romance: "Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again"
• Deconstruction: "Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks".
  • Several articles are deconstructions, often by having something frequently portrayed in media happen to real people and showing what it would really be like, such as "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".
• The Deep South: Repeatedly.
  • "Supreme Court Rules Tennesseans are Sentient Beings".
  • "South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year".
  • "Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina."
• A Degree in Useless:
  • Inverted in "Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé"
  • Played straight in "Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot"
• Deliberately Bad Example: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker" has the developmentally disabled employee shine because all his coworkers are too lazy to do their jobs properly.
• Deliberate Values Dissonance "Woman In Burqa Condemns Woman In Chador." Not only does the woman in the burqa have values that would seem astonishingly sexist from a Western perspective, but so does the woman in the chador, despite the former woman despising her for being subversive.
  "I am proud to be a modern woman," Asaad said. "I believe that women should be allowed to attend the university, so long as the school provides a separate area for women to sit in and they do not speak to the instructor before being spoken to. I even think it is acceptable for a young woman to ride a bicycle, provided she is out in the country where no man can view it. This is the 21st century, after all."
• Demoted to Extra: The regular columnists have slowly disappeared and/or dwindled in appearances since the late 2000s — Herbert Kornfeld was Killed Off for Real (and possibly Gorzo the Mighty as well), while Jim Anchower was last heard from in 2012, being taken to prison. The other regulars (including Jean Teasdale, Dept. Head Rawlings, Smoove B, Roger Dudek, Jackie Harvey, Amber Richardson, Larry Groznic, and T. Herman Zweibel) continue to make sporadic appearances. (Harvey had previously replaced Arch Danielson way back in 1998.)
• Despair Event Horizon:
  • "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports", after the Sandy Hook shooting.
  • "Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit of Hope He Didn't Know He Still Had".
  • "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens", after the Isla Vista shooting and many since. It states that Americans treat mass shootings as an inevitability, and that they feel helpless against them.
    • Twice in a row (timestamped 10:33 AM and 10:42 AM 8/4/19) in response to the back-to-back shootings in El Paso and Dayton.
  • "Report: Make It Stop", occasionally reposted much like the "No Way To Prevent This" article in response to particularly agonizing and bizarre news days. The variant linked for example shows images of Logan Paul, Tide pods, an Alexa speaker, and Donald Trump.
• The Determinator: "‘The Onion’ Vows To Carry On Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done"
  • Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet
  • "Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt to Toss Robert Mueller from Roof".
• Development Hell: In-Universe, "Script Has Been Floating Around Hollywood For 75 Years".
• Did You Die?: "Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam".
• Dinner Order Flub: In Our Dumb World's entry on Burkina Faso, there's a joke about the very low literacy rate of that country when one of their diplomats tries to order a notice that an extra gratuity may be charged for large groups.
• Direct to Video: In-Universe, "Land Before Time VI Released Straight To Landfill"
• Dirty Coward: "Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation"
• Dirty Old Man: Almost every article about Joe Biden portrays him this way.
• Discriminate and Switch: "I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment"
• Disposable Sex Worker: Parodied in "Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable".
• Disproportionate Retribution:
  • "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar".
  • In "Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting", the In the Know panelists harshly criticize Joe Biden for things like sneezing, tying his shoes and blinking. By the end, they're preparing to lynch him.
• Distanced from Current Events:
  • In-Universe, "'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims".
  • In a Real Life version, "Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying" wasn't printed in the Denver edition.
  • invokedReport: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's
• Distracted by the Sexy: "Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman". (NSFW)
• Divine Parentage: "Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands."
• Does This Remind You of Anything?:
  • Constantly; one is "Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister"
  • "Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack"
  • "Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable" is full of this too.
  "I just want to know if you still consider me appealing," she continued, "particularly to blacks, Hispanics, and women between 30 and 44."
  • "Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S."
  • "Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct"
• Don't Go Into the Woods: Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines. Disregarding this trope and venturing into the forest—whether by losing your way on a foggy night, looking for a shortcut despite repeated warnings not to, or just waking up in the middle of the night and heading straight for the forest—turns out to be the leading cause of death among Americans.
  "The report, which analyzed the nation’s mortality data from the past decade, found that wandering past the tree line and entering the shadowy depths that lie therein results in approximately 650,000 deaths each year."
• Door Stopper: "Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20".
• Double-Blind What-If: Parodied in "Alternate Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War".
• Downer Ending: See Mood Whiplash examples below, as well as "World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational", which followed on from the Real Life arrest of double-amputee Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius for murder. Even the article has a downer ending when the number is reduced to four (a father heroically battling cancer turned out to be having an affair with an underage girl).
• Dragged Off to Hell: "Giant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell," right in the middle of Super Bowl LIII too.
• Drives Like Crazy: "General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags"
• Droste Image: "Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrolling" features the titular article as the picture.
• Dude, Not Funny!: In-Universe, "Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize"
  "According to officials, at least 13 circus performers have died, with dozens more suffering severe burns as a fire spread through the mile long train, eventually igniting a fuse that launched a human cannonball 200 feet above the devastating and not-at-all amusing scene."
  "Other straight-faced sources confirmed none of the accident's sights and sounds were even remotely entertaining, from the spectacular fireworks launching every few minutes to the whimsical strains of carnival music echoing endlessly through the night as a result of smoke billowing through a steam calliope."
• Dumb Is Good: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker".
• Driven to Suicide: "Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously", and "Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide ".
• Dysfunctional Family: Pretty much the whole point of Jean Teasdale's regular column, and strongly implied in Roger Dudek's, whose wife has grown to hate him and his jovial, neglectful stupidity ever since their third child was stillborn.

E-H

• Eagleland:
  • Both types at once, in "American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways"
  • Type 2: "Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?"
• Early-Bird Cameo: In "Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy ads", a spokesperson for Hennessy was seen on Fact Zone, which is where the show on IFC would take place about a year after the video was released. The show would occasionally be mentioned on the news ticker on some other videos.
• Eldritch Abomination:
  • "After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016"
  • This has been a Running Gag about the baby born to Prince William and Kate Middleston.
  • And, of course, God. It's actually quite a good example of what an Eldritch Abomination might look like (we're probably not seeing its full incomprehensibility, doubtful a human-built camera can pick that up) and do to someone if it decides to directly show itself. Assuming, of course, that isn't just a tiny EXTENSION of the divine being.
  • "Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis"
  • The Director of the Theseus Protocol apparently causes the temperature to drop 25 degrees just by being present, may be able to cause storms at will, and when people make eye contact with them, he causes "a sudden veil of blackness to descend upon them paralyzing their bodies and causing them to collapse to the floor in a fit of wide-eyed tremoring." He also appears to lead an army from another dimension, and wants to destroy this physical universe to birth a powerful god known as the "Many-Instanced One."
  • World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance
• Epic Fail: "O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica"
• Epic Rocking: "Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock Inspired "Sunday Night Football" Theme Song."
• Eskimos Aren't Real: "I Sometimes Wish Lawyers Existed Outside The Fantastical World Of My Novels"
  • "Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans"
• Even Evil Has Standards:
  • "Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior of Rutgers Basketball Coach"
  • "Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage"
    "I'm not a monster," Says North Korean Dictator
  • "Satan Refuses To Accept Any More Catholic Priests In Hell"
  • The titular cartoonist of Kelly Comics has just about every detestable right-wing view you can think of, but even he is against people who publically display the Confederate flag. He's also pro-choice, if only because he doesn't want to pay child support.
• Everybody Has Lots of Sex: "BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus"
  • "Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other's Brains Out" (NSFW).
• Everything Is Big in Texas: "Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans".
• Everything's Deader with Zombies
  • "Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP"
  • Brain Food: "Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet".
  • Zombie Apocalypse:
    • "Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack".
    • "Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks".
• Evil-Detecting Dog: "Family Dog Barking At Evil".
• Evil, Inc.: "Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation"
• Evil Old Folks: T. Herman Zweibel, born in 1868 and the editor of The Onion since 1888, is the epitome of this trope.
• Evil Only Has to Win Once: "USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program".
• Evil Overlord: Gorzo the Mighty, Emperor of the Universe since the 1930s.
• Evil Power Vacuum: "Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback".
• Evil Stole My Faith: One article had a Straw Loser whose very existence was an affront to both the theory of evolution (what purpose can this guy possibly serve?!) and the existence of a kind and loving god (If we're made in God's image, well...), with each side parading him around as the ultimate argument against the other.
• Exactly What It Says on the Tin: 74 normal photos and two kinda weird ones is a collection of 74 normal photos and two kinda weird ones offered without comment.
• Exaggerated Trope: Many of the articles get their humor from taking a regular trope, such as the Cowboy Cop example above, and cranking it up full blast.
• Executive Meddling: In-Universe, "Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development".
• Existential Horror: Scientists Teach Gorilla it Will Die Someday, as well as Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths. And those are just the really obvious ones.
• Exploding Barrels: "Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels"
• Exponential Plot Delay: "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
• The Extremist Was Right: Some articles, such as "Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children", essentially portray some paranoid conspiracy theorists as being right.
• Eye Scream: "Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet"
• Face–Heel Turn: "Lance Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain"
• Fag Hag: "Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond".
• Famous for Being First: The video "First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women" is a fictional news report which parodies this trope for dark satire. The titular female dictator is Amivi Gama, a ruthless revolutionary who has made herself the President of East Timor. She leads a brutal Reign of Terror to crack down on all dissent, with everyone in the video (even her own victims) being impressed that a woman can prove to be just as much of a cruel tyrant as any man can be. This obviously satirizes the concept that achievements made by the "first" woman in any given field are necessarily positive, even if that field is inherently evil (like being a mass-murdering dictator, terrorist, or war criminal).
• Fan Dumb: In-Universe.
  • "Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone'".
  • "Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?"
• Fantastic Drug: Gaseous Planets serve as this in "God Completely Fucked Up After Huffing Gaseous Planet".
• Fantasy Sequence:
  • "Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination".
  • "Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy".
• Fat Bastard: Jeremiah Alden, the fattest man on the Mayflower and possible culprit of genetic obesity in America. Although his demeanor is noted as being "joyous and agreeable" by the other settlers, his laziness and great appetite meant that he tended to do nothing but sit around all day and eat all of the colony's supplies, which led to half of the Puritans starving to death that winter.
• Faux Affably Evil: "So, What's It Going To Be?" by Bashar al-Assad is written in such a tone.
• Felony Misdemeanor: "USDA Official Takes Brave Stand Against Interstate Potato Pricing".
• Female Misogynist: "Woman In Burqa Condemns Woman In Chador" has Uliya Salah, who despises Raheela Asaad for not conforming to the Taliban's sexist rules as much as she does.
• Ferris Wheel of Doom: "Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer".
• Fetus Terrible: Kate Middleton's baby looks to be one in such articles as "Kate Middleton: Cut This Monster Out of Me" and "Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image".
• Filler: New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler
• Finishing Move: "NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season", with an obligatory Shout-Out to Mortal Kombat.
• Firemen Are Hot: "Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze".
• Firing in the Air a Lot: Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy
• First-Contact Math: "Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds".
• First Rule of the Yard: Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day
• Fish out of Temporal Water:
  • "Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure".
  • Founder and editor of The Onion T. Herman Zweibel far surpasses a Disco Dan, being positively ancient (over 140 years old) and sheltered from modern life for a century by his severe decrepitude and distaste for his fellow man. He seems dimly aware of what's going on in the world, but for the most part he approaches everything with the zealous tyranny of a Gilded Age robber baron — when he learns of the death of print and the new tycoons of social media, his first instinct is to have Zuckerberg and Musk killed.
• Five-Token Band: "Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables".
• Flock of Wolves: "Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters".
• Fluffy Cloud Heaven: The tendency of many editorial cartoonists to draw bland "tributes" with dead celebrities at the Pearly Gates is mocked in Kelly's panels, which often depict famous people that he hates for some reason suffering in Fire and Brimstone Hell.
• Flyover Country: "Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics".
• Foe Romance Subtext:
  • "Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point".
  • "Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry".
• Foil: Liked to portray former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan as this to Vice President Joe Biden. Biden was a wild, laid-back hard-living Cool Old Guy who loves dealing pot and listening to rock n' roll; Ryan is an intense young health nut and fitness junkie who doesn't tolerate any distractions from his workout regimen.
• Food Porn: "Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich"
  • Treated as literal porn in "Masturbating Mom Can’t Get Bobby Flay Southwestern Eggs Demo To Stop Buffering"
• The Fool: John Kerry.
• Forever War: "New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization".
• For the Evulz: "Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows"
• For Want of a Nail: "Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide"
• Former Child Star: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013".
• Fountain of Youth: "Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers"
• Franchise Zombie: In-Universe, "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
• Friend to All Living Things: "Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter"
• Frozen Dinner of Loneliness: "Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals"
• Funk:
  • "Clinton Threatens to Drop Da Bomb on Iraq".
  • "National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue".
• Fun-Hating Confiscating Adult: One column has Senator Tom Delay losing his temper with a group of teenagers playing frisbee on the Capitol lawn. Said frisbee flies through the window and disrupts an important meeting. Delay tells the teenagers that he's keeping the frisbee and that they can't do anything about this because he is very politically powerful. When he turns away from the window, a hacky sack flies into the room and hits him on the head. Delay tells the teenagers that the joke's on them because he won't return their hacky sack either.
• Funny Background Event:
  • The news ticker at the bottom of Newsroom videos.
  • Also, some screenshots of websites have headlines as funny as the news ticker's.
  • "Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing"
• Future Badass: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital".
• Future Loser: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013"
• Gaia's Vengeance: "Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace as Hundreds of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him"
• Game Show
  • Jeopardy!:
    • "Alex Trebek Deftly Prolongs Agonizing Small Talk"
    • "Ken Jennings Mistaken For Subway's Jared Again"
    • "'Jeopardy!' Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels".
  • The Price Is Right:
    • "'Price Is Right' Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces"
    • "What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?"
  • Wheel of Fortune:
    • "Desperate 'Wheel Of Fortune' Receives Approval To Use Swear Words"
    • "'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket".
• Game Within a Game: "Warcraft Sequel Lets You Play a Character Playing Warcraft".
• The Generic Guy: "Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim".
• Genre Blindness: "Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat."
  • Also, the woman in this commentary.
• Gentleman Thief: "Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Daring Jewel Heist".
• Get a Load of That Square: "Area Father Must Have Read Some Drug-Slang Brochure Or Something".
• The Ghost: Clifford Banes, the supposed host of In The Know. The various reasons given are Troperiffic:
  "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who has been accidentally erased."
  "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is battling his nemesis to the death on top of a clock tower."
  "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea."
  "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who messed with the wrong people and got involved in some serious shit."
  "I'm Clifford Banes, wearing a perfect latex Juliana McKannis mask."
• Giant Enemy Crab: "Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat".
• Girlboss Feminist: "First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women" is a fictional news report that parodies this trope for dark satire. The titular female dictator is Amivi Gama, a ruthless revolutionary who has made herself the President of East Timor. She leads a brutal Reign of Terror to crack down on all dissent, with everyone in the video (even her own victims) being impressed that a woman can prove to be just as much of a cruel tyrant as any man can be. This obviously satirizes the concept that achievements made by the "first" woman in any given field are necessarily positive, even if that field is inherently evil (like being a mass-murdering dictator, terrorist, or war criminal).
• Girlfriend in Canada: Appears in "Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet".
  • The entirety of Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated
• Girl on Girl Is Hot: Parodied with "Lesbian Couple Enjoys Hot Lesbian Action"; the image with this caption shows two middle-aged butch lesbians sitting on a couch.
• Girls Have Cooties: "10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations".
• Glurge: In-Universe, "Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad".
• Godzilla Threshold: Last Ditch Climate Change Plan Provides Locations of Weapons, Current Whereabouts of Oil Executives.
• Go Mad from the Revelation: "One-On-One Interview With God".
• Gone Horribly Wrong: "What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World?"
• Good Cop/Bad Cop:
  • "Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working".
  • "Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist".
• Got Me Doing It: Referenced by name in the last paragraph of Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town.
  It's not like he truly believes the girls in Litchfield are bitches; last year, he had a girlfriend from Bitchfield. I mean Litchfield. Shit, now he's got me doing it.
• Grand Romantic Gesture: Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested
• Grapes of Luxury: "Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy".
• Gravity Is Only a Theory: The article "Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory", where fundamentalist Christians are no longer content to get equal time with biology to preach theology in biology class. They now also want equal time in the physics class, demanding that the theories of Newton and Einstein step back in favor of the theory that the universe is held together by Jesus' love.
• Green Aesop: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013".
• Gretzky Has the Ball: Inverted with "Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneer's Defence".
• Gruesome Goat: In an article reporting on the U.S. Department of Evil's decision that all must die, the Department's Dread Secretary of Evil Hammond S. Reynolds is depicted as a humanoid with the head of a red-eyed goat.
• The Grim Reaper: Frequently appears in the cartoons.
• The Guards Must Be Crazy: "U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend".
• Gun Nut: "NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms"
• Hand Puppet: "Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings".
• Hands-On Approach: "Romney stands behind Ryan to Show Good Campaigning Stance."
• Hard-Drinking Party Girl: "Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo".
• Harmful to Minors: "U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially-Exposed Breast On TV".
• Has a Type: "Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type"
• Hate Sink: "Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie"
• Have I Mentioned I Am Sexually Active Today?: "Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier and Earlier, Report Teen Boys"
• Head-in-the-Sand Management:
  • "Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation"
  • "CDC Director Alarmed After Googling 'Covid Cases' For First Time in Weeks"
• Heävy Mëtal Ümlaut: "Ünited Stätes Toughens Image with Umlauts".
• Heel–Face Turn: "Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways"
• Henpecked Husband: "Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie"
• A Hell of a Time: "Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture".
• Help Yourself in the Future: "Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way"
• Hero of Another Story:
  • During his term as Secretary of State, articles involving John Kerry had him portrayed as though he was the protagonist of an action movie, and picked up right as the action started happening.
  • The Supreme Court being semi-superheroes.
• Heroes Want Redheads: "I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex".
• High-Altitude Interrogation: It's reported in their web video "Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time to Play Games" that "hardass cops can be fucked with for two more hours, at which point they will resume dangling lowlifes from rooftops until they get the answers they want."
• Historical Beauty Update: "I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages".
• Hive Mind: "Residents of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness".
• Hollywood Atlas: Our Dumb World is constructed largely out of this Trope, with a dash of Black Comedy here and there.
• Hollywood Hacking: "Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus"
• Hollywood Heart Attack: "Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough".
• Hollywood Psych:
  • "Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man"
  • And "Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine."
• Hollywood Science: Coal Lobby warns Wind Farms may blow Earth off-orbit.
• Horrorscope: The Onion's faux horoscopes are often blackly comedic in nature. Horoscope for Scorpio: 'Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death".'
• Hostility on the Set: In-universe: "Steven Spielberg Recalls Coming To Blows with E.T. On Film Set".
• Ho Yay: invoked "World's Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises".
• Hulk Speak: "Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?"
• Humanoid Abomination:
  • "Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse of Real Michael Jackson"
  • Dick Cheney, Ted Cruz, and especially Steve Bannon are all frequently depicted this way.
• Humans Are Psychic in the Future: "Report: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware".
• Hunting the Most Dangerous Game: "Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected" is a deconstruction. The human prey wasn't conditioned to survive in the jungle, and died in ways the titular hunter didn't even consider was fathomable.
  • "Lindsey Graham Cowers Behind Tree Trunk As Trump's Hunting Dogs Close In."
• Hurricane of Euphemisms: "Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There"
• Hurricane of Puns: Roger Dudek's regular column is basically just a nonstop barrage of the most horrible puns imaginable.
• Hype Aversion: In-Universe, "New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products"
• Hypocritical Humor:
  • "Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not Problem, Says Team of Female Researchers Who All Recently Sustained Injuries Due to Various Accidents"
  • "Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old"
  • "Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade" ends with the third-grade teacher criticizing the second-grade teacher for exaggerating how difficult/fun third grade will be, before saying that she has to prepare her students for "the really hard stuff in fourth grade."
  • "Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’"- Rowe's employers complain about him wearing a shirt for the fictitious terrorist organization, while they named their company after the president and greatest general of the Confederate States of America, who rebelled against the U.S. in the American Civil War.

I-L

• I Don't Want to Ruin Our Friendship: "But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them".
• I Reject Your Reality: In the article "Study: Vaccines Don't Cause Autism, Even in High-Risk Kids," a study reports that vaccines are not linked to autism, even in high-risk children, and the article asks some people what they think about the study. A woman named Rosemary Woods says to let her know when there's a study that shows what she knows in her heart.
• If It Bleeds, It Leads: "Missing Girl Probably Raped".
• If You're So Evil, Eat This Kitten!: Inverted in a report on new financial regulations, among them requiring stock traders to pass a "Kitten and Hammer Ethics Test".
• I Have No Son!: "DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room". The official doesn't quite say the words, but he never refers to the suspect as his son.
• I Have This Friend: "Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq".
  • "Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes"
• I Know Madden Kombat: "LBJ Deploys Green Bay Packers to Vietnam".
• Immoral Reality Show: Sex House, of course.
• Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: "Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders"
• Improbable Aiming Skills: "Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda"
• Indian Burial Ground: "Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds"
• Infraction Distraction: "[Andrew] Cuomo Increasingly Desperate To Shift Focus Back Onto Nursing Home Deaths"
• Innocent Inaccurate: A blend of this and The Onion's usual style is heartwrenching.
• Insurmountable Waist-Height Fence: Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush
• Inspirationally Disadvantaged
  • "Coming up next: Serial killer with Down Syndrome commits fifth inspirational murder".
  • "World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational" and the photo caption "Double Amputee Proves He Is Capable Of Anything" are both inspired by the 2013 arrest of Real Life double amputee Olympic-level sprinter Oscar Pistorius for the premeditated murder of his girlfriend.
  • Downplayed in "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker", in which the developmentally disabled employee stands out by doing the simple things his (supposedly) smarter co-workers are supposed to be doing.
  • Deconstructed in "Developmentally Disabled Senator Wants To Be Treated Like Every Other Lawmaker".
  "Now, we all like Freddy—everybody in the Senate does," Sen. Tim Hutchinson (R-AR) said. "We love the construction-paper vases and desk placemats he made all of us, as well as the way he puts all his senator stuff away in the multi-colored plastic bins in his office at the end of the day. But does that make him qualified to be a legislator? Should he be in the position to cast the deciding vote on a key Medicare-reform bill? It's just not fair to the American people—or to him."
• The Internet Is for Porn: "Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet". (NSFW)
• Interspecies Friendship: "8 Unlikely Animal Friendships", a parody of one of the more common choices for clickbait articles.
• It Has Been an Honor: "It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen," Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts
• It Is Beyond Saving: "FDA Commissioner: I Give Up On You Pigs"
• It's All About Me:
  • "New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep"
  • This is much of the gag with Kelly, in that his political views amount to "whatever is most convenient to me, personally." For instance, he is in favor of the bird population crisis, because that way birds don't poop on him.
• It's All My Fault: "Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old"
• It's Popular, Now It Sucks!: In-Universe, "Trekkies Bash New 'Star Trek' Film As 'Fun, Watchable'".
• It's Quiet… Too Quiet: "Tea Party Quiet... Too Quiet"
• I Want My Jetpack: "I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now".
• Japandering: "Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial"
• Jerkass
  • "Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move"
  • Also "Asshole Proud of Asshole Son," which features a racist, sexist jerk who's pleased that his son's turning out like him.
• Jerkass Has a Point: Jean Teasdale's husband Rick may be a hard-drinking jerk, but he's also Closer to Earth than Jean (which isn't difficult, to be honest), he gets upset with her for squandering their money on things like Precious Moments figures when they're trying to get out of debt.
• Jerkass Woobie: In-Universe, "Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit".
• Jerk Jock: "Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback".
• Jiggle Physics: "New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts".
• Joggers Find Death: "Nation's Joggers Sick of Finding Dead Bodies".
• Jurisdiction Friction: "Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over"
• Just Here for Godzilla:invoked Parodied in "Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff"
• "Just Joking" Justification:
  • "Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole".
  • "Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously"
• Just the Introduction to the Opposites:
  • "Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian"
  • "Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating"
• Just Train Wrong:
  • "Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life". It's supposed to be on a train in Wisconsin, yet the page image choice is of a Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) train in San Francisco.
  • "Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize". Though the train crashed in Altoona, Pennsylvania, the picture is of an Indian Railways passenger train, and the car out of which the giraffes are sticking their heads is an electric locomotive.
• Karma Houdini:
  • Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers, shows how the employee in question still has his job despite his many mistakes.
  “God, I can’t believe nobody’s had the balls to just fucking fire him already,” Meyers added.
  • College Basketball Star Heroically Overcomes Tragic Rape He Committed. The basketball star in question doesn't suffer any consequences for drunkenly raping a girl, and everyone involved passes it off as a heroic accomplishment.
  • Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence. In it, the teen in question evades even the slap on the wrist proposed for him.
• Karmic Death: EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe
• Kick the Dog: In "Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired", not only is Mark Tendulkar, the man in question, a slacker who thinks he's hot stuff despite his incompetence, but he also badmouths the one coworker who defends him, albeit not knowing that said person is doing so.

• Killed Off for Real: Averted with Doc and Kenny, who came back a couple months later with their heads wrapped in bloody bandages.

• Kill the Poor: "RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site"
  • "Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class"
  • "Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City"
• King in the Mountain:

• National Guard Returns To Endless Sleep Under Mount Rushmore Until Nation Calls Upon Them Again

• Knight in Sour Armor: Existentialist Firefighter Delays Three Deaths
• Lampshaded Double Entendre: "Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage'"
• The Last of These Is Not Like the Others: "Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting" has the motions. All but one of them are either standard business or related to the ongoing disciplinary action against Bill Jarvis... but the last one is whether to make Roger Lambert stop punching Jarvis.
• Latin Lover: "Small Town Ravished By Alejandro"

• Let's See YOU Do Better!: "'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept."
• Let Them Die Happy: Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over
• Lifetime Movie of the Week: "Oh, My God - The Baby!"
• Lighter and Softer: "New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, Illinois."
• Literal Metaphor: A good deal of the horoscopes.
  Capricorn: You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  Taurus: You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
• Literal-Minded: "Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot".
• Lonely at the Top: "Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession".
• Long List: The list of people not to be at the end of "Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death".
• Look on My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair: "New Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant Forged In Iron And Blood".
• Loophole Abuse: "Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes"
• Lovable Sex Maniac: Joe Biden was portrayed as one until 2020.
• Love Hotels: "Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'".
• Lowest Common Denominator: In-Universe— "Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall".
  • "No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song".
• Lysistrata Gambit: "Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached"

M-P

• Mad Scientist:
  • "Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists".
  • "Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted by Budget Cuts".
• Madwoman in the Attic: LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet
• The Magazine Rule: "Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers".
  • "New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado".
  • "New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic".
  • "Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On".
• Magical Negro: "Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness".
• Malevolent Architecture:
  • "Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly-Placed Swinging Blades"
  • "'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall"
• Manchild:
  • Inverted, "Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups".
  • Donald Trump's sons tend to be written as this, including "Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary" or "Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying"
• Manipulative Editing: Parodied in the video "Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her", part of the fictional True Crime Show Within a Show Raw Justice. The "real" story appears to be a tragic accident in which a normal couple were having passionate sex in the kitchen before the husband performed a possibly lethal "donkey punch" on his wife. Raw Justice's version turns it into an oversensationalized crime story about a "coital boogeyman" who held his wife captive for years as a Sex Slave before finally and coldly committing premeditated murder. They use every editing trick in the book to make the husband seem like a monstrous rapist and the wife as a battered victim with Stockholm Syndrome, while the actual content of the story is anything but horrific.
  Dean Raid's description: In the kitchen where he would eventually murder her, John would have Mary prepare him sumptuous meals. He would force the captive Mary to listen to his rambling anecdotes about his job. Sometimes John would flex his power over her, demanding she tell him about her day as well. Sometimes... they would watch TV.
• Marathon Level: "NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season"
• Married to the Job: "Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team"
• Marrying the Mark: Parodied: Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam, where a woman marries a man in order to obtain food, lodging, and financial security in exchange for occasional sex for over 19 years.
• Mass "Oh, Crap!": "Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda"
• Meat-O-Vision:
  • "Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak"
  • "C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger"
• Medium Awareness:
  • "Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic"
  • "Breaking News: Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot"
• Mind Screw: "Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde".
• Military Coup: "U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt"
• Misaimed Fandom: invoked "Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’"
• Mischief-Making Monkey: Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring
• Missing Child: "Every Parent's Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time". It's almost as if it's making fun of the endemic misuse this trope gets on this very wiki.
• Missing White Woman Syndrome:
  • Inverted: "Ugly Girl Killed".
  • "Missing Girl Probably Raped"
  • "Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister"
• Mistaken Nationality:
  • Spexico: "Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican".
• Mockbuster: "Disney's 'Toy Tales' Hits Theaters Friday"
• Money, Dear Boy: In-Universe, "Nobel Fever Grips Research Community As Prize Swells To $190 Million"
• Mood Whiplash:
  • "New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory". Everyone gushes about how cute they all are, and then you get to paragraph 15: "As of press time, an estimated 800,000 dogs had been euthanized for failing to comply with the new law."
  • "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital" swings wildly between "D'awww, look at his cute widdle fingers" and "...which he will form into an iron fist and crush all who dare to oppose him".
  • "U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village": The article portrays the last remaining ISIS soldier as a whacky Looney Tunes-esque prankster, but ends with a sobering reminder of how many ISIS fighters are actually still at large.
• Moon-Landing Hoax: "Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked"
  • Ironically, the story was reprinted by two Bangladesh newspapers^note The Daily Manab Zami and New Nation as real news.
  Added Armstrong, "I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."
• The Moral Substitute: This article explains that a West Virginia professor bans unreliable sources for papers. The first of them is The Onion, explaining that this is not news, but literally a parody. Then she explains the second source:
  2) Fox News - The tagline "FoxNews" makes me cringe. Please do not subject me to this biased news station. I would almost rather you print off an article from The Onion.
• More Dakka: "Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day"
  • "AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person"
• The Morlocks: "Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain"
• Most Definitely Not a Villain: "Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’": "Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy" "...who loves her children with both her hearts" but wonders why the man-creatures dare to doubt their masters. Just a normal person!
• MST: "Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing".
• Multiple Demographic Appeal: "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
• Mundane Made Awesome:
  • "Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'", complete with an "Over Nine Thousand" reference.
  • "Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer".
  • "Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race".
  • "Les Misérables Takes Home Oscar For Most Sound"
  • "Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland"
  • "DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room"
  • "Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee", in which the hosts of Today Now! treat a child with an above-average ability like an autistic savant.
  • "Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle"
  • "South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North"
• Mundane Utility:
  • "NASA Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use"
  • "Jimmie Johnson Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane"
• Murder Simulators:
  • "Video-Game Violence Blamed In Giant-Robot Shooting Spree".
  • "Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence".
• Music Is Politics: "Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years".
• Must Have Nicotine: "Smoking Now Permitted Only In Special Room In Iowa".
• My Friends... and Zoidberg: "Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb"
• My Greatest Failure: "Mall Justice Is Swift And Harsh".
  "Thursday, November 3, 1995. Early afternoon. I have been working as a security guard at Clover Square Mall for two, maybe three months. The world is my oyster. I veer off my usual route and stop for a Mountain Dew at Mrs. Fields.
  As I lean against the counter, shooting the breeze with Gail, I hear a distinctive clap-clap sound coming from the direction of Electronics Boutique. That sound can only mean one thing–running. Past Waldenbooks, Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant and Sbarro run a young Caucasian male. Paul, the assistant manager of Electronics Boutique, is pursuing him. I give chase, but I am too late. The perpetrator has escaped with a brand-new copy of Madden '96.
  YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I was young, damn it. YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. I am a human being, not a god. HE IS OUT THERE STILL. I don't know that."
• Mystery Magnet: "Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon"
• N-Word Privileges: "God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz"
• Narm: Invoked with "Study: Children of Divorce Twice As Likely to Write Bad Poetry" (no longer available online but can be found in the book Dispatches from the Tenth Circle).
• Naughty Under the Table: Briefly referenced in this video: "Space Under Boardroom Table A Complex Web Of Feet Massaging Various Genitals."
• Needle in a Stack of Needles: "Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister"
• Negative Continuity: For example, they made this article where the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage. The very next day they ran an article saying the Court voted unanimously to uphold the Defense of Marriage Act.
• Network Decay: In-Universe, "Learning Channel Switches to All-Gilligan Format".
• Never Live It Down:
  • In-Universe, "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade"
  • In-Universe, "Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart"
  • In-Universe, "Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family"
  • In-Universe, "All Of Man's Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight"
• Never My Fault: "Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time".
  • Part of Jean Teasdale's Cloud Cuckoolander act is her never accepting responsibility or blame for her faults, whether it's getting fired^note She got caught using eBay — on the boss's computer, no less — and remains convinced that the boss just hated her or her poor sense of humor^note A friend declines to use Jean's jokes in a stand-up act because they're pithy and toothless, but Jean thinks the friend was threatened by the idea of a superior comic. When a local magazine calls her article out for being garbage, she insists that they don't know what they're talking about — while doing everything that they said makes her articles garbage.
  • Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine Candy Related Weight Gain. After pressuring his girlfriend to eat the candy he gave her (which she then ate over the course of a week as they were snowed in and left unable to do her usual errands, like the gym), a boyfriend dumps the slim girl via email for putting on somewhere between 3-5 pounds.
  • The infamous article "Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart" has the girl still badmouthing her dead classmate/victim and actually trying to trivialize the tragedy via this and "Just Joking" Justification. Worse is how even years after the fact is that it's plausible that the bully's empathy (or likely lackthereof, if going by the article) still won't truly allow her to accept responsibility for what she did or make any real amends (or stop her from doing it to someone else).
• New Technology Is Evil: Kelly's cartoons often mock/demonize teenagers for using these, typically referring to the devices as "SOME GIZMO". Contrary to the intended message, it only makes Kelly himself look hopelessly behind the times (he's bemoaned the fall of VHS◊ in the past, and only embraced the DVD format when it began to concede to Blu-Ray).
• Nice Guy:
  • In "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker", Andy Ehrman is courteous and helpful to the customers. He politely calls his coworkers out when he sees them doing something wrong, and is willing to do the work himself if they're too lazy to do anything.
  • In "Friends Don't Understand How Man Not Depressed," Carl, the man in question, is described as "super nice" and remains friendly and sociable despite his low income and inability to get a girlfriend.
• Nietzsche Wannabe:
  • "Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life".
  • "Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths".
• Nightmare Fuel Coloring Book: "Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday".
  • "21 Children's Letters to President Trump".
• Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres".
• Nipple and Dimed: The article “U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV” satirizes the whole Janet Jackson thing and the question raised here beautifully.
• No Animals Were Harmed: "Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals"
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: "Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit".
• No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: "If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought"
  • Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling on This One Guy
• No Indoor Voice:
  • "I Enjoy Yelling Things"
  • "BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language"
• Non-Indicative Name: In "Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters", the interviewer asks what the anteater's Venezuelan name means, and the expert says, "catcher of ants." After an awkward pause, the inteviewer points out that he finds it interesting that anteaters dont' eat ants.
• Noodle Incident: "There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004".
  • Semi-regular columnist Dept. Head Rawlings makes frequent reference to "the Barcelona debacle" in his articles.
  • "The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project".
• No OSHA Compliance:
  • "U.N. Orders Willy Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections"
  • "NASCAR To Discontinue Having Kids Rush Onto Track To Wipe Up Skid Marks During Races"
  • "Video Game Characters Denounce Randomly Placed Swinging Blades"
• No Party Like a Donner Party: Played for laughs in "In Retrospect, I Guess We Might Have Resorted To Cannibalism A Bit Early", where five people stuck in an elevator kill and cannibalize a sixth - less than an hour after gettting stuck.
• No Product Safety Standards: has a few parodies of this, such as one video where a munitions manufacturer apologized for hollow-point rounds not exploding properly with animations showing the problem.
• Nostalgia Filter:
  • Mocked In-Universe with "10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic for The '90s", a 2013 slideshow with real photos of such great things as the Rwandan genocide, the fiery end of the Waco siege, the Oklahoma City bombing, and Columbine. (And Alan Alda, for some reason.)
  • "Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions"
• No Such Thing as Bad Publicity: "Bloomberg Campaign Raises Visibility By Pumping $5 Million Into #BloombergIsRacist Hashtag" invoked
• "No Talking or Phones" Warning: "Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves"
• Nuclear Mutant: "We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants".
• Off to See the Wizard: "Sitcom Resorts To 'Wizard Of Oz'-Themed Fantasy Episode".
• Off with His Head!:
  • "White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt"
  • "Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine"
• Old Shame: In-Universe, "Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s".
• Once Done, Never Forgotten
  • "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
  • "Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart".
  • "Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family".
  • "All Of Man's Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight".
• Only Sane Employee: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker".
• Only Six Faces: The American Voices feature has been showing the same six or so photos for over a decade, with different names and occupations each time (though one of them is often a systems analyst).
  • Ambiguously used in the similar sports feature Fan on the Street, which always shows the same three photos with no names or occupations given. Lampshaded here.
• Opinion Myopia: In-Universe: "Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong".
• Organic Technology:
  • "Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot May Hold Clues To The Crash".
  • "Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook".
• Our Slogan Is Terrible: "New 'Small 'n' Flaccid' Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever".
• Outdoor Bath Peeping: "Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees".
• Overly-Long Gag:
  • "'The Hobbit' To Feature 53-Minute-Long Scene Of Bilbo Baggins Trying To Figure Out What To Pack"
  • "Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle"
• Overly Narrow Superlative: According to "Best Sports Stadiums", "Michigan Stadium has been selected by The Saginaw News as the best 100,000-plus-seat venue in Washtenaw County for 13 consecutive years."
• Overly Stereotypical Disguise: "Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe" sees the undercover reporter putting on Yellow Face, a conical straw hat, and speaking in broken English in the belief that it will help him blend in with the population of Chinatown and allow him to infiltrate a counterfeit ring. Much to his genuine confusion, people refuse to speak to him.
• Panty Thief: "Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid".
• Parental Obliviousness: "I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit".
• Parenting the Husband: "Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship".
• Parody Product Placement: "Spider-Man Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies"
• A Party, Also Known as an Orgy: "Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy"
• Pay Evil unto Evil: In "Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting", normally, assaulting a fellow Kiwanis Club official would be completely unacceptable, but not only is Treasurer Bill Jarvis an irresonsible, chronically absentee alcoholic, but he'd just responded to being called an "asshole" by bringing up how fellow member Roger Lambert's wife was Driven to Suicide three years ago. When Lambert starts punching Jarvis, the board holds a motion on whether to stop him, and it's defeated 16-2.
• Pedophile Priest:
  • "Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus"
  • "U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations"
• People's Republic of Tyranny: In "Clinton Declares Self President For Life", Clinton renames the US to the "Holy United Imperial Americlintonian Demopublic" — right after naming himself President-for-Life and invalidating all election results.
• Periphery Demographic: In-Universe.
  • "Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up In 'Harry Potter' Craze".
  • "Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials".
  • "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
• Perverse Sexual Lust: "FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan"
• Photographic Memory: "Area Man Can Remember Exactly Where He Was, What He Was Doing When He Assassinated John F. Kennedy"
• Photoshop Filter of Evil: This cheap trick is spoofed among many other examples of Manipulative Editing in the manufactured satirical crime story "Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her".
• Pie in the Face: "Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing".
• Plausible Deniability: "Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability"
• Please Wake Up: "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box".
• Plot Hole: "Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes".
• Poe's Law:
  • Many, many times some articles have been mistaken for legitimate ones. "Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth" actually provoked a Libertarian blogger to agree.
  • The most famous example, arguably, is the Chinese newspaper falling for the story about Congress threatening to leave Washington D.C. unless a better building was built (a parody of threats made by sports teams to relocate unless they received a new stadium). The one about Harry Potter sparking a rise in witchcraft, as well as the video about the boy bankrupting the Make-A-Wish Foundation with infinite wishes, have shown up in some email forwards.
  • The staff at Fox Nation.com repurposed an anti-Obama article seriously, not acknowledging the original was a joke.
  • This site archives Facebook reactions treating the articles as real.
    • Likewise this subreddi
• Poking Dead Things with a Stick: The article "Poke with Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death"—two brothers, ages 9 and 11, obtain conclusive proof that they have found a dead raccoon after prodding it several times with a stick after earlier tests involving throwing rocks and an empty soda can yielded no results.
• Police Are Useless: "Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation"
• Political Cartoons: Since 2006, The Onion has published an ongoing series of over-the-top editorial cartoons, drawn by artist Ward Sutton in the fictional persona of grouchy old right-wing crank Stan Kelly. Most of them feature the usual clichéd devices of the format as running gags - the Statue of Liberty weeping profusely, Kelly at his drawing board muttering a cynical pun in the corner. (A number have nothing to do with politics whatsoever, instead serving as a soapbox for Kelly to gripe about his lousy ex-wife, "today's messed-up teens", and the police officers who keep pulling him over for driving drunk.)^note Due to the dead-on satirical nature, and how the source isn't immediately obvious in most of the cartoons, it's also one of the features most easily confused as being real.
• Political Overcorrectness:
  • "Parents Dedicate New College Safe Space In Honor Of Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once".
  • "Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'". The video details how the man, despite being an attempted murderer, tries to go out of his way to not have the murder come across as racially motivated—culminating in him settling on shooting Obama with a crossbow with the bolt having the names of great black historical figures written on it, while wearing a dashiki and kufi and blasting soul music in a nearby car.
• Popularity Polynomial: In-Universe, "Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp"
• Potty Failure: The Capricorn of this horoscope list.
  A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
• Precision F-Strike: "Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits".
• President Evil: "Obama: Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness".
• President for Life: "Clinton Declares Self President For Life," complete with Commissar Cap and Chest of Medals.
• Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Herbert Kornfeld, Accounts Receivable.
  Kornfeld: 'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Lee Van Cleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a mother fuck.
  • Not all that fly. Kornfeld was a big fan of Chicago.
• Product Placement:
  • "Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?"
  • "Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu"
  • "NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads"
• Professional Wrestling: "Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage".
  • Heel–Face Turn: "Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes the Error of His Ways".
  • Pro Wrestling Is Real: Inverted. It's the fans that are fake, not necessarily the wrestlers.
• Pyromaniac: "Top Ten Most Glorious Flames Of 2015".
• Properly Paranoid: "Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him"
• Public Medium Ignorance: "NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: Drive Fast".
• Put on a Bus to Hell: Jim Anchower hasn't been heard from since 2012, when he was arrested and sentenced to six months in jail.

Q-T

• Quantum Mechanics Can Do Anything: "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
• Raised by Wolves: Parodied in the Onion News Network video "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody". The girl in question is a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer who always wears pressed suits and slicked-back hair, talks in a stilted news-anchor voice, and is calmed by the use of a lint roller.
• The Rashomon: Point/Counterpoint, particularly "European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy".
• Race for Your Love: Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her
• Real Dreams are Weirder: "Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelette' That Came To Him In A Dream".
• Real Men Wear Pink: "New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt"
• Reality Is Unrealistic: Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy is a perfectly accurate depiction of fact, just with an unusual tone.
• Really Gets Around: "Town's Teen Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth".
• "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
  • "New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up"
  • "Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever"
• Reckless Gun Usage: "8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights"
• Recursive Reality: "Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case"
• Red Scare: "USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program".
• Refuge in Audacity:
  • "Mexico Killed In Drug Deal".
  • "They Can Never Take Away My Memories", by Jerry Sandusky.
  • "Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President"
• Released to Elsewhere:
  • "We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet".
  • "Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre to a Nice Farm Family".
  • Subversion: "Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play"
  "To be honest, we'll probably spare everyone the grisly details and just say we were forced to euthanize them."
• Remarried to the Mistress: The premise of the "New Mommy A Lot Prettier" article. More disturbingly, the children start to prefer her over their own mother, in spite of them being kicked out of their large home to go live with their mother in a small apartment, their father using gifts to help win them over and the implication that both him and their stepmother don't actually parent either child as evident from them having no set bedtime and the lack of concern about the son's asthma medication.
• Repressed Memories: One of the Jean Teasdale articles from Finest News Reporting shows that she repressed a memory of being sexually abused by a bully while in Catholic school; it comes back when she's watching The Rosie O'Donnell Show because Rosie reminds her of the bully, and results in her throwing a Precious Moments figure at the TV (she misses).
• Repurposed Pop Song: "Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank".
• Rerouted from Heaven: "Mother Teresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up".
• Retail Riot: "42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record"
• Ret-Gone: "Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines"
• Road Trip Plot: Over the summer of 2017, Stan Kelly was stuck on one with his son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. He hated virtually all of it and, whether as a side-effect of his perpetual curmudgeonly attitude or due to other circumstances, it ended in his son's marriage collapsing and Stan fleeing early on a plane.
• Robosexual: "Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work".
• Robotic Reveal: "New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within".
• Room Full of Crazy: "Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits".
• Rousing Speech: Attempted in "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids", but, like all the other tactics the kids use to save their camp, it fails.
• Rubber-Forehead Aliens: "Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles".
• Rube Goldberg Machine: "Hot Wheels Ranked Number One Toy For Rolling Down Ramp, Knocking Over Dominoes That Send Marble Down A Funnel, Dropping Onto Teeter-Totter That Yanks On String, Causing Pulley System To Raise Wooden Block, Propelling Series Of Twine Rollers That Unwind Spring, Launching Tennis Ball Across Room, Inching Tire Down Slope Until It Hits Power Switch, Activating Table Fan That Blows Toy Ship With Nail Attached To It Across Kiddie Pool, Popping Water Balloon That Fills Cup, Weighing Down Lever That Forces Basketball Down Track, Nudging Broomstick On Axis To Rotate, Allowing Golf Ball To Roll Into Sideways Coffee Mug, Which Tumbles Down Row Of Hardcover Books Until Handle Catches Hook Attached To Lever That Causes Wooden Mallet To Slam Down On Serving Spoon, Catapulting Small Ball Into Cup Attached By Ribbon To Lazy Susan, Which Spins Until It Pushes D Battery Down Incline Plane, Tipping Over Salt Shaker To Season Omelet"
• Rule of Cool:
  • "Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome".
  • "Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'".
• Running Gag: Many.
  • When the print versions need to fill a small space, they put in a small article with nothing but the repeated phrase "Passersby were amazed by the unusually-large amounts of blood." (which also appears in context during "Blood...Blood Everywhere").
    • In Ad Nauseam, these instances are accompanied by completely off-the-wall "quotes" like "I'm thinking about getting into self-mutilation" or "Congress must be so stoned to come up with all those cool laws.'
  • Recurring article types include "[Corporation] scientists discover [related discovery]", among others. In the sports section, any article about Tim Duncan will make fun of how bland he is.
  • Clifford Banes has never actually appeared in his self-titled panel-discussion series In the Know with Clifford Banes; there's always a sit-in newscaster who gives an absurd reason for Banes' absence. The only time he did show up, he wore a perfect latex Julianna McKennis mask.
  • The Statue of Liberty crying appears in many Kelly cartoons.
    • Kelly is also shown to be an avid fan of Star Trek: The Original Series, the kind who hates J. J. Abrams with a passion.
    • Yet another one relating to Kelly is he has a massive case of professional envy towards the late Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts, consistently describing him as an "overrated, talentless hack" and always depicting him as burning in Fire and Brimstone Hell.
  • According to Our Dumb World, every single African country has at least one resident named Mtumbe Ngoube.
  • All the George W. Bush injury articles (see Butt-Monkey and Take That!) end with "Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital."
  • "This Week In History" always includes Professor Timothy Hendry sidetracking into a long rant. After he apparently killed colleague Eric Kaufman, he started in on some daddy issues instead. After that, he started arguing about payment with the hosts.
  • Dr. Eli Wasserbaum is a recurring "expert" quoted in many articles.
  • Taylor Swift's dating life, which thus far has included Garfield creator Jim Davis, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Suri Cruise, James Holmes, the winner of a "Win a Date with Taylor Swift" contest (which she wrote a scathing hit breakup song about), Christopher Dorner (who she got back together with after he was killed), the Watertown boat Dzokhar Tsarnaev was found in, an Alternate Universe bodybuilder George Harrison, and the Mars Curiosity rover.
  • A photo of Alan Alda keeps showing up in slideshows.
  • Some politicians are portrayed as leading lives completely different than what they actually do- ie. Joe Biden (until 2020) was a party-hearty Cool Old Guy, while John Kerry tends to be right in the middle of an action movie.
  • In a very dark running gag, the site has run different articles all titled "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens" whenever a mass shooting happens in the United States, with most of the text being copied and pasted from the previous article, just swapping out the details of the tragedy. To date, they've done more than ten of these with The Other Wiki compiling a list of each time the article was published.
• Ruthless Modern Pirates: Fake political cartoonist Kelly did a panel about these at the end of October 2013, not long after the release of Captain Phillips...but it presents them in a positive light, labeling them "Today's Swashbucklers" for carrying on the tradition set by Blackbeard, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Captain Morgan, suggesting that all he knows about piracy then and now comes from romanticized fiction and/or Pop-Cultural Osmosis (Sir Henry Morgan is mostly known in the 2000s as the namesake of a brand of rum).
• Sadistic Choice: "So, What's It Going To Be?"
• Salt the Earth: "Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor"
• Sampling: "Nation's Rappers Down to Last Two Samples".
• Samus Is a Girl: "Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status".
• Sanity Ball: The various recurring guests and hosts on In The Know take turns holding this between different segments and being the Only Sane Man with any actual knowledge regarding the issue. In other segments though everyone is equally uninformed and holding the Idiot Ball.
• Sanity Slippage: Happens to Jim Haggerty in Porkin' Across America and the Sex House contestants as each series progresses.
• Sapient Cetaceans: Parodied this with the article "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity". The article is then filled with stories of the Dolphins' incredibly rapid technology development, and marine biologists committing suicide or preparing to serve the Dolphin overlords.
• Sarcasm Failure:
  • "Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy", filled with legit facts and news due to being so unbelievable at the time.
  • Likewise, for the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, The Onion wrote the technically completely accurate "Philippines Citizens Currently Watching Their Congressman Fight A Guy On TV"
  • The more serious version of this trope, pertaining to American healthcare, could be found in "Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death", notable for the usual irreverence being absent.
• Save Our Students: "Naive Teacher Believes in Her Students".
• Saw "Star Wars" Twenty-Seven Times:
  • "Clinton Takes Leave Of Office To Stand In Line For ''Star Wars: Episode I''" written during the Clinton administration mentions the President planning to see The Phantom Menace at least twenty times during its opening weekend, after which he will return to his office and follow a once-a-day viewing schedule.
  • "Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He's Crazy And Wants To Murder Him". He's also recorded Ocean's Eleven on his DVR and has viewed the film "more than 200 times in the past month", and is in possession of 100 DVD copies of The Legend of Bagger Vance.
• Scare 'Em Straight:
  • "Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film".
  • "Kids In Scared Straight Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice".
• Scenery Porn: "National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification".
• Schmuck Bait: During Fact Zone's intro, if you pause at just the right time you'll see a TinyURL address. It leads to a Rickroll.
• Screwed by the Network: In-Universe. On the season finale of the show on IFC, The Cressbeckler Stance was canned so the network could introduce a new program about motorcycles in the spirit of the new American Dream.
• Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: "Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence".
• Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!: "It's Okay, I'm Attractive".
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here:
  • "U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy".
  • Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back
• Sealed Evil in a Can: "Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening"
• Seasonal Rot: invoked
  • "5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010."
  • "'Game Of Thrones' Showrunners Disappointed With How Quality Of Fans Has Dropped Off Over Past Couple Seasons."
• Second-Person Narration: The paper's preferred method to point out This Loser Is You, such as "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
• Seize Them!: "Seize Him!" (Which also includes a bunch of other tropes expected in this scene: the Evil Overlord, Just Between You and Me, You Have No Chance to Survive, Agony Beam, Surrounded by Idiots, etc.)
• Self-Deprecation:
  • "New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected", written in the wake of the backlash towards their Quvenzhane Wallis insult.
  • Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic nearly always turns up when using the site's search feature, no matter what terms are put in.
  • In-Universe with Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is
  • "Clear From Stock Music That Video Never Meant To Be Watched With Sound On"
  • After Project Veritas attempted to expose The Washington Post as "fake news" by tricking them into posting false information about Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore - which the Post did not fall for and responded by exposing the attempted sting - The Onion then published "'The Onion' Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions", in which the publication praises itself for being the only outlet brave enough to publish such information while constantly hinting at the level of ingorance necessary for a major outlet to take the bait.
  "Simply put, The Onion is willing to stake its nearly 252-year history of sterling, unbiased reportage upon the verity of these claims."
• Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: "Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims"
• Sequelitis:
  • In-Universe, "Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel".
  • In-Universe, "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films"
• Serial-Killer Killer: "Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community"
• Serious Business:
  • "Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door".
  • Anything by ubergeek Larry Groznic, whose specialty is asserting to those less enlightened than himself that he is Nerdier Than Thou. Example: "When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address".
  • "General Mills' 'Star Wars: Episode II' Cereal Gets It All Wrong".
  • "Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress".
  • "I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me".
  • "Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys"
  • "What Foolhardy Mortal Thinks He Can Shelve Faster Than I?"
  • "Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys".
  • In many other stories, the event itself is entirely plausible; the joke is simply that anyone would consider it newsworthy:
    • "Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' with Area Man".
    • "Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right".
    • "Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket".
• Setting Update: "Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended".
• Seven Deadly Sins: "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale".
• Sex Is Evil, and I Am Horny: One article commented on the scandal of the Catholic Church covering up for pedophile priests (by moving them around instead of ousting and reporting them, thus covering their tracks and giving them access to new victims) by having the Pope announce that God will forgive the children for their crime of leading his priests into temptation.
• Sex Sells: "Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman". (NSFW)
• "Shaggy Dog" Story: "Area Liberal Worried His Asian Dry Cleaner Doesn't Like Him." It turns out that the dry cleaner isn't giving the liberal the cold shoulder because she doesn't like him- she apparently doesn't even know who he is.
• Shaped Like Itself:
  • "Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches"
  • "Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash"
• Shaving Is Science:
  • "Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'".
  • "Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away from Towel Alarm Clock".
• She Cleans Up Nicely: "Bearded Lady Cleans Up Real Nice".
• She Is All Grown Up: "Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object".
• Shell-Shocked Veteran: "George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere".
• Shipper on Deck: Subverted in "Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing", in which it's repeatedly made clear how unhealthy the couple's relationship is. That said, even the only source willing to say straight out that the marriage won't last remarks that they're a "cute couple."
• Shoddy Knockoff Product: "Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street"
• Shoot the Shaggy Dog: "Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit" becomes this when said rabbit gets caught and killed by a fox minutes after being released into the wild.
• Shout-Out: Quite a few. Oddly, this early article mentions the three guys who were behind the direction of [adult swim]: Dave Willis, Keith Crofford, and Mike Lazzo.
  • This article casts Rumsfeld as an Expy of M. Bison.
  • This recent one casts the Supreme Court as being somewhat like the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, with former Chief Justice John Marshall as a Zordon-style Oracular Head and a Robot Buddy named Amicus (much like Alpha 5/6).
• Shown Their Work:
  • This commentary from a man who won't miss The Joker's Wild for anything must've been written by a game show fan. It name checks all three hosts- Jack Barry, Bill Cullen, and even the substitute host, Jim Peck! And he says he'd miss a lot of other shows, including Bullseye (U.S.) (also a Barry-Enright show) and even The Magnificent Marble Machine (though even seeing it might be tough- all the tapes were erased by NBC). They even reference the kids' version of the show, Joker! Joker! Joker!
  • "I Appreciate the Muppets on a Much Deeper Level Than You". It parodies Fan Dumbinvoked, but the writer clearly knows a lot about The Muppets.
• Side Effects Include...: "Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft for Everything' Ad Campaign".
• Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids!: "Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy".
• Shrug of God: In-Universe, and literal example with "God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die".
• Significant Anagram: Dr. Tanas from Dr. Good is an anagram for Satan, whom he is heavily implied to be.
• Single Tear: Kelly invariably depicts the Statue of Liberty as shedding one, whether out of sorrow or joy.
• Skewed Priorities:
  • "CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak"
  • "Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas"
  • "Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child Abuser About His Lawn"
• Sleazy Politician:
  • "City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs"
  • "Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago"
• Small Name, Big Ego:
  • "Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me".
  • The parody editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly displays traits of this frequently. In the book collection, he even dedicates it to himself for having the guts to "tell it like it is".
  • "Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired" has the underperforming and lazy Mark Tendulkar excited about making one sale.
  "Mark came in all smug after selling a MultiPASS MP360," floor supervisor Andrew Miller said. "He said something like, 'Put another one in the win column for the Marksman.' I wanted to tell him that one $140 sale wasn't going to be enough to save his job, but protocol must be observed. I can't wait until Lascowicz sends him up the river."
• Small Reference Pools: "Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988".
• Sophisticated as Hell:
  • Smoove B.
  Smoove B: Lay your body down, and I will show you love. I will drape you in the finest black silks. I will travel to the finest Asian nations to attain this silk. Then, I will run my fingers through your hair. I will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while I do so. I will tell you such things as, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" and "Your skin is like the most expensive Swiss chocolate money can buy" and "Your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire. I will hit you doggy-style.
  • Pretty much all of Horrifying Planet, especially this one.
  The sound is heard in their small earholes. The two manatees did meander over, I assumed spurred by some rudimentary form of empathy to help their helpless brethren. This was incorrect. When they got there, the two manatees - seriously, this- this actually happened -worked together to hold the crippled one firm up against the glass of the enclosure, to help the first manatee finally succeed in fucking it in the ass.
  • The last quote in this article.
  "The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is having his creamy white ass churned into butter."
  • "Epic Saga of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers"
  “If there is but one lesson to draw from this story, my coworkers, it is that Plasky will receive new accounts so long as he takes living breaths,” digital marketing analyst Robert Meyers said. “No matter the severity of his latest missing assignment or wildly inaccurate market projections, the wisdom of ages speaks this one truth: Employees of Thorpe shall come and employees of Thorpe shall go, but Doug will remain on the payroll forevermore.”
  “God, I can’t believe nobody’s had the balls to just fucking fire him already,” Meyers added.
• So Unfunny, It's Funny:
  • The entire point of Roger Dudek's "Write On The Funny!"
  • Also present in Jean Teasdale's column (with lines like "Osama bin Laden should take a chocolate pill!") and some of the cartoons (when they're not full of Patriotic Fervor and Media Scaremongering).
  • Kelly's political cartoons are this. Presumably.
• So What Do We Do Now?: Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'".
• Speak Ill of the Dead: In "Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids."
• Spoiler: In-Universe, "Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers".
• Spurned into Suicide: ''David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’''
• Stalking Is Love: "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".

• Stealth Sequel: "Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ‘Godfather’ Film Took Place In Same Narrative World"
• Stepford Smiler: The hosts of Today Now! are Type B, although it's possible Tracy Gill is Type A.
• Stoners Are Funny:
  • The Stoner: Jim Anchower.
  • Everybody Must Get Stoned:
    • "World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?"
    • "Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High".
• Stop Being Stereotypical:
  • "Chinese Laundry Owner Blasted For Reinforcing Negative Ethnic Stereotypes".
  • "American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'"
• Story Arc: In July 2009, T. Herman Zweibel sold the Onion to a Chinese salvage fishery, and the publication was quickly filled with pro-China propaganda and ads for fish byproducts. However, after a few days, the Chinese realized the collapse of the newspaper industry made their purchase worthless and gave the Onion back to its original management. This did not affect the AV Club, although they did let worried readers know that the company was indeed not sold to the Chinese.
  • In June 2011, a week of articles blatantly touted The Onion as deserving a Pulitzer Prize, following a Zweibel editorial stating that he hated Pulitzer and decided it would be the best possible way to piss on his grave. A lobby group was formed, whose president turned out to be an embezzler. Several celebrities appeared in YouTube videos promoting the campaign.
• Strangely Specific Horoscope: Every issue has an insane horoscope with strangely specific and violent predictions. Played for Laughs. Couple of concrete examples:
  • Pisces: After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper called "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.
  • Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
  • Taurus: You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
• Strange-Syntax Speaker: "Rules Grammar Change"
• Straw Critic: Jackie Harvey is an inversion, as he loves damn near any movie put out.
• Straw Feminist: "I Don't Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men".
• Strawman Political: The editorial cartoons are done by a strawman conservative who draws even more ridiculous strawman liberals.^note If you are also a conservative prepare to sometimes agree with the strawman.
• Strictly Formula: All of Jim Anchower's articles pretty much follow the same formula — first he complains about his car, then mentions he lost whatever job he had for the intermittent time between articles.
• Stupid Sexy Flanders: "Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay".
• Sturgeon's Law: "Internet Scam Alert: Most "Kickstarter" Projects Just Useless Crap
• Super-Deformed: "Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size" explores the ramifications of even the mild form (4 heads) seen in Bratz dolls.
• Super Serum: "Clinton Injected With Highly-Unstable Experimental Growth Serum".
• Surprisingly Realistic Outcome: "Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As TV"
  • "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids" does this in several ways, from the entire premise to more specific examples (the misfits get sued for a panty raid, and when they soak the rival camp's director and his eviction papers, he just gets another copy).
  • "Romantic Comedy Behavior gets Real Life Man Arrested"
• Suspiciously Specific Denial:
  • Inverted; "Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology".
  • "When I Have Kids, I'm Not Going To Drown Them"
  • "Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly"
  • "Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason". Nothing to worry about though! Also, Homeland Security recommends wearing them at all times and the Navy is building shipyards in Idaho, Missouri, and Ohio^note All landlocked states (in terms of the oceans - a large portion of Ohio's northern border is Lake Erie). No reason, though.
    • "My fellow Americans, you may have noticed some small changes in the way we're asking you to go about your daily business," said Bush, his words muffled by a brass diving helmet. "The government is not trying to scare you. We just want you to be prepared for the very remote possibility that your lives will never be the same."
    • "Again, I cannot stress enough what a longshot that particular unspecified scenario is," Bush continued. "We are not facing what I would call a 'credible threat,' so don't even bother worrying about it."
  • "New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, or More Respected" ^Explanation This one showed up shortly after The Onion's Twitter account insulted 9-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis by calling her a very offensive word.
  • "Gore Camp Denies Putting Bush Camp's Canoe In Treetop"
• Sweet Tooth: Deconstructed with Jean Teasdale. She often writes about her love of chocolate and homemade desserts with ludicrous amounts of sugar. Eventually, she develops type 2 diabetes.
• Sword of Plot Advancement: "Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship".
• Tailor-Made Prison: "Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes"
• Take That!:
  • Against Rush Limbaugh, with "I Don't Even Want to Be Alive Anymore".
  • The closing months of 2008 saw weekly stories about outgoing President George W. Bush getting increasingly-bizarre and horrendous injuries.
  • "Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers, Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy"
  • Today Now interviews the 5-year-old screenwriter of Fast Five.
  • "New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It".
  • "Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck".
  • Against Oprah Winfrey: "I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show".
  • Against Rep. Todd Akin: "I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being'"
  • In response to the Lance Armstrong doping controversy, The Onion Store is proud to offer the "Cheat to Win" bracelet.
  • Making fun of Chicago's murder rate spikes since 2011:
    • "Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago"
    • "Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades"
  • Towards Facebook:
    • "Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death"
    • "Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters"
    • "Creepy Weirdo Still Stalking You On Facebook"
    • From the point of view of Mark Zuckerberg's daughter: "Daddy, I Don't Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created"
  • Against Ted Lasso: "Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other"
• Take That, Audience!: Known to do this from time to time.
  • "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports":
  "Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large... and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking anything to help anyone..."
  • "Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus Was Our Top Story This Morning"
  So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we’re able to get more eyeballs, that means I’ve done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.
  
  I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite? Like 6 gazillion more.
  
  That's on you, not us.
  • This broadcast
  "I promised myself I would get through one newscast this year without insulting the viewers. Unfortunately, some promises were meant to be broken you uncomprehending halfwits."
• The Talk: "Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents".
• Talkative Loon: "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
  • Also, an implied backstory of These Are Things Man Was Not Meant to Know
• Teacher/Student Romance: "Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship". Also includes Shipper on Deck.
• Techno Babble:
  • "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
  • "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
• Terrorists Without a Cause: "Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O"
• Teens Are Monsters: "15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers"
  • "Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized".
  • "'100% of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes' Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientist".
• Teen Pregnancy: "Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn't Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else"
• Testosterone Poisoning: "New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt"
• The Tetris Effect: "Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business"
• The Snack Is More Interesting: "Snacks Distract Lawmakers From Horrors of War"
• There Is No Kill Like Over Kill: “NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing-Choking-Impaling-Beheading-Electrocution-Lethal injection death"
• They Changed It, Now It Sucks!: In-Universe:
  • "NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line".

• This Loser Is You:
  • "Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else".
  • "World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware". It just gets worse from the title; the illustration is just text reading "The image of the non-telepath has already been psychically transmitted to all of humanity and thus does not need to reproduced here."
  • "BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn't Commit- Run!"
  • Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason .
  • "Scientists Confirm First Case Of Zika Transmission From Article To Reader".
  • "Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer"
• The Theme Park Version: "Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street"
• Three-Month-Old Newborn: "Woman on TV Gives Birth to Four-Month-Old Baby".
• Throw It In: In-Universe, "Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film".
• Time Abyss: T. Herman Zweibel was born in the 1800s, and despite being incredibly old and afflicted with an innumerable amount of maladies, is somehow still hanging in there.
  • Joad Cressbeckler, a grizzled, ancient ex-gold miner who, after running as a third-party presidential candidate in 2008, got his own ONN show, The Cressbeckler Stance.
• Timey-Wimey Ball: *Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd Battle Of Bull Run".
• Toilet Seat Divorce: Parodied in the Libra of this set of horoscopes.
  You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
• Token Minority: "Black Guy Photoshopped In". As 11points demonstrates, this is Truth in Television.
• Token Trio: Can be observed in the peer review panel in this article.
• Tonight, Someone Dies: "Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’"
• Too Dumb to Live:
  • "Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago".
  • "Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids." One boy fires a missile up his nose, another girl breaks the toy to eat the shards, and another boy jumps off his apartment's balcony, thinking the toy will let him fly.
• Too Good for This Sinful Earth: "Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure" applies the trope to a pastry instead of a person.
• Too Hot for TV: "C-SPAN Releases 'Too Hot For C-SPAN!' Video".
• Too Incompetent to Operate a Blanket: The host of the "Troublehacker" videos.
  • "Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?"
  • "Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu"
  • "NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads"
• Trailers Always Spoil:

• "Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie".

• Tranquil Fury: "Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper."
• Transforming Mecha: "Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot".
• Translation by Volume: This article on traveling abroad advises that shouting at foreigners is useful, along with many other helpful tips for American tourists.
• Transparent Closet:
  • "Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet".
  • "Area Man Experimenting with Homosexuality For Past Eight Years".
  • "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
• Trans Equals Gay: "Conservatives: Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays/Marriage".
• Transparent Closet: "Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect"
• Trauma Conga Line: Jim Haggerty in the Porkin' Across America series is subjected to this along with a decent amount of Body Horror and Sanity Slippage. Besides losing his dog, car, house and the love of his entire family throughout the progress of the show, his continually building injuries force him to have to replace parts of his body with pig innards. By the final episode he's so become so disparaged and mutilated that he embraces becoming a pig and goes to live on a farm with the rest of his kind, even disregarding an opportunity to retake his hosting position on Today Now! and an awards show in favor his new "family."
• Trial Balloon Question: "NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot".
• [Trope Name]: Used in perhaps the most spot-on parody of 24-hour cable news ever, "Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere".
• Trouble Entendre: "Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays" is an example in and of itself.
  Draeger: We need a place where all ages can gather and pay their respects, and remember what it is that we've lost.
  Al-Farouq: Yes. It is our goal to continue to make places where people can go and mourn the death of their loved ones.
• Troubled Production: "Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays".invoked
• Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: Lucas Armitage in "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutliates Burglar". Even the host gets a bit uncomfortable as Lucas stares into the camera and says "I want the blood."
• True Art: In-Universe: "Humanity Still Producing New Art as Though Megadeth's 'Rust in Peace' Doesn't Already Exist"
• True Art Is Incomprehensible: In-Universe: "Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde".
• True Meaning of Christmas: Parodied in "Has Halloween Become Too Commercialized?", where the debaters discuss how people are forgetting the true meaning of Halloween; warding of evil spirits.
• Turned Against Their Masters: "‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office"

U-Z

• Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: "Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship"
• Underdogs Never Lose: "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids".
• Understatement: "Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia".
• Unexpected Successor: "Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History".
  • "Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office: 'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell"
• Ungrateful Bastard: "Mama Duck Doesn’t Recall Asking For Injured Baby To Be Rescued From Road"
• Unknown Rival: "Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son"
• Un-person: "White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove"
• Unstoppable Rage: "Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination".
• Updated Re-release: "Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences".
• Useless Accessory: "Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating"
• Vagueness Is Coming: "Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising".
• Viewers Are Goldfish: "FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007".
• Viewers Are Morons: "Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience".
  • "Onion Weather Center: We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South"
• Villain Has a Point:
  • "U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship"
  Following Monday's deadly terrorist attack on a Carnival Cruise Line ship, U.S. officials have had difficulty issuing a stern condemnation of the incident, saying that while any act of terrorism is inexcusable, they couldn't completely blame al-Qaeda for wanting to blow up what is essentially a giant, floating symbol of everything that is truly god-awful about America.
  • "Hostage Negotiator Has To Admit Terrorist Has Good Point"
  "Well, I don't approve of threatening the lives of over 300 innocent civilians, but I have to agree that the Turkish troops have no business being in Cyprus, the only European country occupied by a foreign army."
• Villain with Good Publicity: "PR Firm Kills Innocent Child".
• Visual Pun: "Guy Who Normally Holds Up Letter 'D' Sick This Week".
• Wacky Fratboy Hijinx: "Online University Cracks Down on Rowdy Online Fraternity".
• Walking Techbane: "My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch".
• Wall of Text:
  • "Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text".
  • "Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail".
• Waking Up at the Morgue: "Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue"
• Wants a Prize for Basic Decency: "Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders"
  "Mr. Chauvin was under a staggering amount of stress at the time, and the fact that not everybody was gunned down in a bloodbath is just proof of his exceptional professionalism. It is clear Derek Chauvin is a highly self-disciplined man, as any average police officer would have shot the bystanders in the back the moment they turned away."
  • "Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone"
• Wealthy Yacht Owner: "Rising Income Inequality Causing Wealthy Americans To Take On Second Sailboat"
  • Also, "Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race".
• We Can Rule Together: "‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo".
• Wedding Deadline: Revealed at the end in "I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding", who is imminently going to ruin the wedding, The protagonist was "forced to leave my first love, a working-class Irish bootblack named Patrick, to marry a rich man who pleased my father but whom I could never truly love, [...] Patrick, who just so happens to be that same directionless water-skier. Yes, nothing can go wrong now."
• "Well Done, Son" Guy: "Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave".
  • "NASCAR Driver [Aric Almirola]'s Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son’s Car"
• We Will Use WikiWords in the Future: Future News 2137 has the anchors and interviewees using words like "Frustrage" and "Criticalism".
• Wham Line:
  • The very last line of the aforementioned "Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics" article. "This whole argument will be moot in six days when we board up the windows and burn ourselves alive."
  • From the Onion's Trump Documents "leak", "Theseus Protocol Memos":
    "The Director is a very powerful man, and while we're going to see our share of powerful people over the next few months and years, he is a bit of a special one! As Lori found out, he is used to being obeyed — and NOT used to anyone looking directly into any of his eyes. While we'll all miss Lori, this incident is a good reminder that we are in the big time now and what happened to her could happen to anybody. Speaking of which, don't be the one who spreads nasty office gossip. I heard the same things you've heard, but I choose to believe she was just fired. Are we clear on that?"
  • "Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit", has Wendy Gritton telling her children that their grandmother's health has been declining. It ends with "At press time, Gritton and her kids had finally arrived at their grandmother’s funeral."
• What Could Have Been: In-Universe, "97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy".
• What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: "Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones".
• What Do You Mean, It's Not Didactic?: In-Universe
  • "I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You".
  • "Freshman Term Paper Discovers Something Totally New About 'Silas Marner'".
  • "Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu".
  • Real Life example: An article was used for the 2005 English Language and Composition Advanced Placement exam...meaning that there was actually something to analyze in that article.
• What Does She See in Him?: "Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost"
• When All You Have Is a Hammer…: "If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well".
• "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue: "Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever"

• Who Shot JFK?: "Our Dumb Century" has a story about JFK being shot by practically every single individual or organization that conspiracy theories accuse of his assassination.
• Whole-Plot Reference: Apple iPhone fever as The Emperor's New Clothes in "Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers".
  • A combination of Aladdin, The Little Mermaid (1989) and Pocahontas: "Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life".
• Wild Child: "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody".
• Wild Teen Party: "Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party"
• Wishing for More Wishes: "Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes"
• A Wizard Did It: "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
• The Woobie: In-Universe, "Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo"
• Word Salad Philosophy: "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
• World of Weirdness: The entire body of work could be seen as a serious news source from a crazy alternate world.
• The Worm Guy: "Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters"

• Wrong Genre Savvy: "Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse".
• Xtreme Kool Letterz: "Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters".

• You Can't Fight Fate: Most of the horoscope entries, although this list's Scorpio is probably the most blunt example.
  • Inverted in this list's Pisces.
  Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer" ends with the following depressing sentence.
  According to the CEO, Hemstead's contributions to Pinnacle Insurance will pay even greater dividends when he is let go and replaced with a college graduate willing to work for half the salary, allowing Pardahee to give himself a substantial raise.

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