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Strangely Specific Horoscope

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"Now, you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position
Of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true!"
"Weird Al" Yankovic, bridge from "Your Horoscope For Today"
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This week, all Aquariuses will turn into mermaids, Taurus will hear some funny stories about a guy named Jimmy, and Leos will be eaten by gigantic land shrimp.

Usually, horoscopes employing Western Zodiac are about as broad as possible, so that anyone can feel like it applies to them. It follows from the so-called Barnum Effect/Forer Effect. It happens that individual people consider descriptions of their personality that supposedly are tailored specifically to them as highly accurate even though the descriptions are in fact very vague and general enough to apply to a wide range of people.

In fiction, however, it's often more entertaining to have horoscopes that describe something totally insane, either to prove how accurate the horoscope is or just to keep people on their toes. Sometimes the crazy, specific or crazily specific horoscope is left unexplained in-universe. Often, however, it gets revealed that somebody is messing with their friends and acquaintances on purpose because it's fun.

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One variation is for the horoscope to be fairly specific, but still open to multiple interpretations so that the prediction can come true in an unexpected way.

It may overlap with Horrorscope. See also Suspiciously Specific Sermon.


Examples:

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    Anime & Manga 
  • Horoscopes tend to be incredibly specific when they show up in Kaguya-sama: Love Is War despite the series otherwise lacking any supernatural elements. A website that gauged compatibility based on birthdays even gave Shirogane a "The Reason You Suck" Speech over his and Kaguya's inability to confess to each other.

    Comic Books 
  • Archie Comics:
    • Big Ethel is on the beach when she reads her horoscope that says she'll meet a pair of stars today. Swooning with anticipation of meeting the likes of Paul Newman, a wave suddenly crashes over her. When the water recedes, two starfish are clinging to her.
    • Veronica is on a tennis court, hoping to win a tennis match and thus a winning "cup". Her horoscope says she will definitely get a cup today. But her hopes are dashed when Archie approaches and offers her a cup... of coffee or tea.
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    Films 
  • Played with in Sliding Doors. When Helen claims to be over her boyfriend Gerry, (whom she recently dumped after she came home early from work and caught him cheating) Helen's best friend Anna calls her out for lying, noting that Helen is still counting the days since the breakup, and is still reading Gerry's horoscope in the hopes that it will say that something terrible will happen to him. Later Anna pretends that the horoscope does in fact say that something terrible will happen to Gerry in a way that would make the horoscope specific to Gerry.
    Anna: You're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident. [Later Anna looks at the horoscope] What is he?
    Helen: A wanker. [beat] Oh. Aries.
    Anna: Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know. [pretends to read] "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good.

    Literature 
  • A justified example in The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, where the horoscope writer for the local paper knew Dirk at university, and aims his horoscopes specifically at Dirk. Since he strongly dislikes Dirk, this resulted in the newspaper losing 1/12 of its readership.
  • In Good Omens, the local newspaper serving Tadfield has a surprisingly specific horoscope for Libra, on the day the apocalypse begins. This is just after a discussion of 17th century Bishop Usher's great contribution to Creationism, in which he conclusively worked out from Biblical revelation that God created Earth in October 4004 B.C.E. Which makes the Earth a Libra...
  • In The Light Fantastic, the University's astrologer reads Rincewind's horoscope in hope of tracking down his location. It rambles a bit, but warns those born under the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars not to annoy any druids twice, which is very good advice for someone in Rincewind's circumstances that day.

    Live Action TV 
  • Black Hole High: In "Probability", Marshall shoves off a school assignment and submits silly horoscope predictions to the school paper instead of a serious article and made them obviously about his friends. Because the school sits on a do-anything-black hole they come true. And he made a typo saying one of them would die rather than diet.
  • In the first episode of Dirk Gently, one of the cases involves a man whose horoscopes are always coming true. Gently tries to convince him that it's a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy — he had an affair because the horoscope said he would, not because he wanted one.
  • Full House: In "A Pinch For A Pinch", Kimmy Gibler is given the job of "Madame Kimmy" on the school newspaper and starts writing horoscopes. She gives one to Stephanie: her day will start off with good fortune, then an unpleasant surprise at school, and finally a misunderstanding will occur at home. It spooks Stephanie when the predictions start to come true. Kimmy then reveals that she's been copying the horoscopes out of an old newspaper she found at home, so she wasn't trying to scare Stephanie at all—but the events did happen, so it comes across as Contrived Coincidence.
  • A skit on the 80s UK sketch show Little and Large has Eddie Large impersonating 80s UK fortune-teller Russell Grant, with increasingly specific and bizarre horoscopes, including this gem: "And tomorrow, you will die."
  • A variation on Monty Python's Flying Circus, where the newspaper prints horoscopes for strangely specific dates of birth.
    • Derry & Toms: April 29 to March 22 (even dates only): You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.
    • Basil: June 21 to June 22: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail....
    • Aquarius, while not being noted as having an out of the ordinary date, has the horoscope "Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by The Mike Sammes singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you."
  • There was one episode in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide where Cookie writes the horoscope for the school paper. When he sees that everyone do exactly as told, he begins to have fun with it and starts writing overly specific predictions.
  • Psych: "Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder" has Shawn going semi-undercover at the local paper as a horoscope writer. When Gus criticizes his horoscopes for being too specific, Shawn replies that he wrote them with specific people in mind.

    Music 
  • The entire point of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Your Horoscope For Today", in which Aquarius are told that their tongue will be frozen to the back of a speeding bus, Pisces are the true lord of the dance (no matter what those idiots at work say), and Cancer should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud because of the position of Jupiter. Among many, many more for each sign.

    Newspaper Comics 
  • One brief FoxTrot arc had Jason trying his hand at writing horoscopes, claiming that the ones in the newspaper were too vague to be of help to anyone:
    Jason: They need clear-cut instructions. With mine, there'll be no ambiguity at all.
    Peter: [reading Jason's writing] "Scorpio: Give Jason Fox all your money."
    Jason: Hee hee. Bill Gates is a Scorpio.
  • Huey in The Boondocks would always write off his horror scope as ridiculous despite it basically describing his current situation and a sensible solution to it every single time Caesar read it. Caesar's was similar only he put stock it them, so naturally they gave no solutions.

    Podcast 
  • Episode six of Welcome to Night Vale features a horoscopes section where each of the zodiac signs are given increasingly odd/hilarious horoscopes. Among other things, Cecil warns Capricorns that "those were not contact lenses you put in this morning", announces that its Taurus's "annual crime day" where they're exempt from all laws, and simply curses Scorpios and their families and calls them "vile" for no understandable reason. (Steve Carlsburg, Cecil's hated brother-in-law, later turns out to be a Scorpio.)

    Radio 
  • The D Generation radio show had a horoscope sketch where the horoscopes started of as the normal generalities but became odder and more specific as the announcer moved along the zodiac, including "Do not eat sharp metal objects", "Beware of people who say they want to hack you death with an electric chainsaw", and "You owe me twenty bucks".

    Video Games 
  • Lampshaded in the original Gabriel Knight game. Gabe reads his horoscope almost every day of the 10 day period, and it's always eerily accurate to what he's going through. At the end of the game, on day 10, when he reads his incredibly doomy-sounding horoscope, he remarks, "There's a schoolteacher somewhere who's really confused."

    Web Original 
  • The Onion loves this one. Every issue has an insane horoscope with strangely specific and violent predictions. Played for Laughs. Couple of concrete examples to illustrate the nature of these horoscopes:
    • Pisces: After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper called "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.
    • Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
    • Taurus: You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
  • The Twitter account Sorrow-scopes regularly provides these:

    Web Video 
  • In the second part of The Dom's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 review he mentions that his horoscope predicted he'd be killed by a mob of ravenous fangirls when such a group attacks him and Terrence for saying Snape's backstory didn't excuse his horrible behavior or make him any less of an asshole.
  • Lumpy Touch's Gorefield horoscope series. The creator has commissioned 11note  artists to design Gorefields after the Zodiac signs.
    Lumpy Touch: Depending on your astrological sign, a special Gorefield is hunting YOU, the viewer.

    Western Animation 
  • The Simpsons:
    • "Treehouse of Horror XI": Segment "G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad" involves Homer's horoscope saying that he will die today. Lisa lampshades the trope by saying it's unusually specific. Worried, Marge looks at her horoscope, which says that her husband will die! Oddly, Homer focuses on the second part of his horoscope which says that an attractive coworker may compliment him, and he immediately thinks of his friend Lenny.
    • Subverted in "Skinner's Sense of Snow". When Homer and Ned crash Ned's car with his rooftop attached inside a crackers factory into a salt silo, a security guard says that his horoscope was right, but when he takes the paper out, it only says "You will face challenges today".
    • One episode saw Homer being hired to write for Chinese fortune cookies. One of the fortunes he came up with was "Your store is being robbed, Apu."
  • Family Guy: "To Live and Die in Dixie" has a criminal robbing a convenience store, but he's told that the cash register won't open unless he makes a purchase.
    Crook: Alright, give me one of those Horoscope scrolls! ..."Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooooh!
    Clerk: Weirrrrrd.
  • Phineas and Ferb: Doofenshmirtz gets an oddly accurate horoscope:
    Doofenshmirtz: Shot in the butt while covered in honey and hair. What do you know, my horoscope was right.
  • In the Gravity Falls episode, "Carpet Diem" while Old Man McGucket is chasing Soos in Waddle's body.
    Deputy Durland: A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!
    Sheriff Blubs: My horoscope came true.


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