History Website / TheOnion

* PokingDeadThingsWithAStick: The article [[https://www.theonion.com/poke-with-stick-confirms-raccoons-death-1819569854 "Poke with Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death"]]--two brothers, ages 9 and 11, obtain conclusive proof that they have found a dead raccoon after prodding it several times with a stick after earlier tests involving throwing rocks and an empty soda can yielded no results.
* PoliceAreUseless: "[[https://www.theonion.com/entire-u-s-police-force-flees-country-after-hearing-gu-1848981784 Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation]]"
* PoliticalCartoons: Since 2006, The Onion has published an ongoing series of over-the-top editorial cartoons, drawn by artist Ward Sutton in the fictional persona of grouchy old right-wing crank Stan Kelly. Most of them feature the usual clichéd devices of the format as running gags - the Art/StatueOfLiberty weeping profusely, Kelly at his drawing board muttering a cynical pun in the corner. (A number have nothing to do with politics whatsoever, instead serving as a soapbox for Kelly to gripe about his lousy ex-wife, "today's messed-up teens", and the police officers who keep pulling him over for driving drunk.)[[note]]Due to the dead-on satirical nature, and how the source isn't immediately obvious in most of the cartoons, it's also one of the features most easily confused as being real.[[/note]]

** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOHABYhZ7a8 Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything']]". The video details how the man, despite being an attempted murderer, tries to go out of his way to not have the murder come across as racially motivated--culminating in him settling on shooting Obama with a crossbow with the bolt having the names of great black historical figures written on it, while wearing a dashiki and kufi and blasting soul music in a nearby car.
* PopularityPolynomial: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28763 Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp]]"

--> A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, [[BaitAndSwitchComment as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.]]

-->'''Kornfeld''': 'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Creator/LeeVanCleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a ''mother fuck''.
** Not all that fly. Kornfeld was a big fan of Music/{{Chicago}}.

** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyPyzNuApH4 Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nascar-to-abandon-racing-portion-of-business-conce,17820/ NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads]]"

** HeelFaceTurn: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28125 Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes the Error of His Ways]]".
** ProWrestlingIsReal: Inverted. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x83M3_RdbJY It's the fans that are fake]], not necessarily the wrestlers.
* PyroManiac: "[[http://www.theonion.com/2015/slideshow/most-glorious-flames-2015-51921 Top Ten Most Glorious Flames Of 2015]]".
* ProperlyParanoid: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/paranoid-syrian-man-thinks-government-out-to-get-h,31070/ Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him]]"

* TheRashomon: Point/Counterpoint, particularly "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/european-men-are-so-much-more-romantic-than-americ,11552/ European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy]]".
* RaceForYourLove: [[http://www.theonion.com/article/man-running-toward-departing-train-must-have-final-56343 Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her]]

* RealMenWearPink: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-texasstyle-yogurt-to-feed-mansize-hunger-for-y,2422/ New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt]]"
* RealityIsUnrealistic: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/muscleman-put-in-charge-of-worlds-fifthlargest-eco,877/ Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy]] is a perfectly accurate depiction of fact, just with an unusual tone.

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-it-is-impossible-to-lose-weight-no,32770/ New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/going-out-of-business-sign-thanks-neighborhood-for-36627 Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever]]"
* RecklessGunUsage: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/8yearold-accidentally-exercises-second-amendment-r,725/ "8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights"]]
* RecursiveReality: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/physicists-discover-our-universe-is-fictional-sett,28429/ Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/arizona-man-steals-bushs-identity-vetoes-bill-meet,1324/ Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President]]"

** Subversion: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-s,20641/ Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play]]"
-->"To be honest, we'll probably spare everyone the grisly details and just say we were forced to euthanize them."
* RemarriedToTheMistress: The premise of the "[[https://local.theonion.com/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier-1819565481 New Mommy A Lot Prettier]]" article. More disturbingly, the children start to prefer her over their own mother, in spite of them being kicked out of their large home to go live with their mother in a small apartment, their father [[DisneylandDad using gifts to help win them over]] and the implication that both him and their stepmother [[ParentalNeglect don't actually parent either child]] as evident from them having no set bedtime and the lack of concern about the son's asthma medication.

* RetailRiot: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/42-million-dead-in-bloodiest-black-friday-weekend,30517/ 42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record]]"
* RetGone: "[[https://www.theonion.com/report-decision-to-read-this-headline-has-erased-futur-1827136425 Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines]]"
* RoadTripPlot: Over the summer of 2017, [[PoliticalCartoons Stan]] [[UnsympatheticComedyProtagonist Kelly]] was stuck on one with his son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. He hated virtually all of it and, whether as a side-effect of his perpetual curmudgeonly attitude or due to other circumstances, [[spoiler:it ended in his son's marriage collapsing and Stan fleeing early on a plane]].

* RunningGag: Many.
** When the print versions need to fill a small space, they put in a small article with nothing but the repeated phrase "Passersby were amazed by the unusually-large amounts of blood." (which also [[ItMakesSenseInContext appears in context]] during "[[https://local.theonion.com/blood-blood-everywhere-1819569736 Blood...Blood Everywhere]]").
*** In ''Ad Nauseam'', these instances are accompanied by completely off-the-wall "quotes" like "I'm thinking about getting into self-mutilation" or "Congress must be so stoned to come up with all those cool laws.'

** The Art/StatueOfLiberty crying appears in many Kelly cartoons.
*** Kelly is also shown to be an avid fan of ''Series/StarTrekTheOriginalSeries'', [[FanDumb the kind]] who hates Creator/JJAbrams with a passion.
*** Yet another one relating to Kelly is he has a massive case of professional envy towards the late Charles Schulz, the creator of ''ComicStrip/{{Peanuts}}'', consistently describing him as an "overrated, talentless hack" and always depicting him as burning in FireAndBrimstoneHell.

** Some politicians are portrayed as leading lives completely different than what they actually do- ie. Joe Biden (until 2020) was a party-hearty CoolOldGuy, while John Kerry tends to be right in the middle of an action movie.

* RuthlessModernPirates: Fake political cartoonist Kelly did a panel about these at the end of October 2013, not long after the release of ''Film/CaptainPhillips''...but it presents them in a ''positive'' light, labeling them "Today's Swashbucklers" for carrying on the tradition set by Blackbeard, [[Franchise/PiratesOfTheCaribbean Captain Jack Sparrow]], and Captain Morgan, suggesting that all he knows about piracy then and now comes from romanticized fiction and/or PopCulturalOsmosis (Sir Henry Morgan is mostly known in the 2000s as the namesake of a brand of rum).

* SaltTheEarth: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/snuggle-marketers-kill-18-34-demographic-rather-le-56176 Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor]]"

* SanityBall: The various recurring guests and hosts on ''In The Know'' take turns holding this between different segments and being the OnlySaneMan [[SurroundedByIdiots with any actual knowledge regarding the issue.]] In other segments though ''everyone'' is equally uninformed and holding the IdiotBall.
* SanitySlippage: Happens to Jim Haggerty in ''WebVideo/PorkinAcrossAmerica'' and the ''Sex House'' contestants as each series progresses.

* SarcasmFailure:

** Likewise, for the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, The Onion wrote the technically completely accurate "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/report-philippines-citizens-currently-watching-the-50330 Philippines Citizens Currently Watching Their Congressman Fight A Guy On TV]]"

* SaveOurStudents: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39341 Naive Teacher Believes in Her Students]]".

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/clinton-takes-leave-of-office-to-stand-in-line-for,743/ Clinton Takes Leave Of Office To Stand In Line For ''Star Wars: Episode I'']]" written during the [[UsefulNotes/BillClinton Clinton administration]] mentions the President planning to see ''Film/ThePhantomMenace'' at least twenty times during its opening weekend, after which he will return to his office and follow a once-a-day viewing schedule.

* ScrewedByTheNetwork: InUniverse. On the season finale of the show on IFC, ''The Cressbeckler Stance'' was canned so the network could introduce a new program about motorcycles [[spoiler:in the spirit of the new American Dream]].

** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/health-experts-recommend-standing-up-at-desk-leavi,37957/ Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back]]
* SealedEvilInACan: "[[https://www.theonion.com/pope-francis-warns-seals-on-jesus-tomb-are-weakening-1846043468 Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening]]"
* SeasonalRot: [[invoked]]

* SeizeThem: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/seize-him,16505/ Seize Him!]]" (Which also includes [[{{Troperiffic}} a bunch of other tropes expected in this scene]]: the EvilOverlord, JustBetweenYouAndMe, YouHaveNoChanceToSurvive, AgonyBeam, SurroundedByIdiots, etc.)

** InUniverse with [[http://www.theonion.com/article/self-deprecating-man-just-scratching-surface-how-p-50454 Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is]]
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/graphic/clear-stock-music-video-never-meant-be-watched-sou-57042 Clear From Stock Music That Video Never Meant To Be Watched With Sound On]]"
** After Project Veritas attempted to expose ''The Washington Post'' as "fake news" by tricking them into posting [[SchmuckBait false information about Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore]] - which the ''Post'' did not fall for and responded by [[https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/a-woman-approached-the-post-with-dramatic--and-false--tale-about-roy-moore-sje-appears-to-be-part-of-undercover-sting-operation/2017/11/27/0c2e335a-cfb6-11e7-9d3a-bcbe2af58c3a_story.html exposing the attempted sting]] - ''The Onion'' then published "[[https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-has-obtained-exclusive-information-from-jai-1820808638 'The Onion' Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions]]", in which the publication praises itself for being the only outlet brave enough to publish such information while constantly hinting at the level of ingorance necessary for a major outlet to take the bait.
-->"Simply put, ''The Onion'' is willing to stake its nearly 252-year history of sterling, unbiased reportage upon the verity of these claims."
* SelfFulfillingProphecy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/report-things-finally-bad-trump-claims-54665 Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims]]"
* {{Sequelitis}}:
** InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/vindictive-movie-studio-threatens-to-make-coyote-u,2719/ Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel]]".
** InUniverse, "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zgb8N-5py0 Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films]]"
* SerialKillerKiller: "[[https://www.theonion.com/series-of-serial-killer-killings-rocks-serial-killer-co-1819567448 Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/helvetica-bold-oblique-sweeps-fontys,263/ Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys]]"

* SexSells: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-finds-majority-of-male-voters-would-have-elec,18436/ Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman]]". ({{NSFW}})
* ShaggyDogStory: "[[https://local.theonion.com/area-liberal-worried-his-asian-dry-cleaner-doesnt-like-1819566228 Area Liberal Worried His Asian Dry Cleaner Doesn't Like Him]]." It turns out that the dry cleaner isn't giving the liberal the cold shoulder because she doesn't like him- she apparently doesn't even know who he is.

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_turkey_sandwiches_an Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/investigators-determine-air-france-disaster-caused,2749/ Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash]]"

* ShoddyKnockoffProduct: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/yellowstone-national-park-concerned-about-competin,20675/ Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street]]"

* ShoutOut: Quite a few. Oddly, [[http://www.theonion.com/article/employee-forced-to-appear-in-training-video-1485 this early article]] mentions the three guys who were behind the direction of Creator/AdultSwim: Dave Willis, Keith Crofford, and Mike Lazzo.

** [[http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/though-fire-flood-and-earthquake-beset-my-path-sti-10786 This commentary]] from a man who won't miss ''Series/TheJokersWild'' for anything must've been written by a game show fan. It name checks all three hosts- Creator/JackBarry, Creator/BillCullen, and even the substitute host, Jim Peck! And he says he'd miss a lot of other shows, including ''Series/BullseyeUS'' (also a Barry-Enright show) and even ''Series/TheMagnificentMarbleMachine'' (though even seeing it might be tough- all the tapes were erased by Creator/{{NBC}}). They even reference the kids' version of the show, ''Joker! Joker! Joker!''
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/i-appreciate-the-muppets-on-a-much-deeper-level-th-16208 I Appreciate the Muppets on a Much Deeper Level Than You]]". It parodies FanDumb[[invoked]], but the writer clearly knows a lot about Franchise/TheMuppets.

* ShrugOfGod: In-Universe, and literal example with "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/god-wonders-what-happens-to-humans-after-they-die-36199 God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die]]".

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/cdc-officials-announce-free-ice-cream-for-everyone,17611/ CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak]]"
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edl0l3VaIks Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/neighbors-confront-alcoholic-child-abuser-about-his-law-1819565129 Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child Abuser About His Lawn]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/city-of-chicago-to-modernize-outdated-graft-progra,17140/ City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/illinois-supreme-court-deems-rahm-emanuel-sleazy-e,19036/ Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago]]"

-->"Mark came in all smug after selling a [=MultiPASS=] [=MP360=]," floor supervisor Andrew Miller said. "He said something like, 'Put another one in the win column for the Marksman.' I wanted to tell him that one $140 sale wasn't going to be enough to save his job, but protocol must be observed. I can't wait until Lascowicz sends him up the river."

** [[http://www.theonion.com/personalities/smoove-b,1022/ Smoove B.]]
-->'''Smoove B''': Lay your body down, and I will show you love. I will drape you in the finest black silks. I will travel to the finest Asian nations to attain this silk. Then, I will run my fingers through your hair. I will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while I do so. I will tell you such things as, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" and "Your skin is like the most expensive Swiss chocolate money can buy" and "Your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire. ''I will hit you doggy-style.''

-->The sound is heard in their small earholes. The two manatees did meander over, I assumed spurred by some rudimentary form of empathy to help their helpless brethren. This was incorrect. When they got there, the two manatees - seriously, this- this actually happened -worked together to hold the crippled one firm up against the glass of the enclosure, to help the first manatee finally succeed in ''[[PrecisionFStrike fucking it in the ass.]]''

-->"The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is having his creamy white ass churned into butter."

-->“If there is but one lesson to draw from this story, my coworkers, it is that Plasky will receive new accounts so long as he takes living breaths,” digital marketing analyst Robert Meyers said. “No matter the severity of his latest missing assignment or wildly inaccurate market projections, the wisdom of ages speaks this one truth: Employees of Thorpe shall come and employees of Thorpe shall go, but Doug will remain on the payroll forevermore.”\\
“God, I can’t believe nobody’s had the balls to just [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] fire him already,” Meyers added.

** Also present in [[http://www.theonion.com/personalities/jean-teasdale,1021/ Jean Teasdale's column]] (with lines like "Osama bin Laden should take a chocolate pill!") and some of the cartoons (when they're not full of PatrioticFervor and MediaScaremongering).
** Kelly's political cartoons are this. Presumably.
* SoWhatDoWeDoNow: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/voice-inside-cheering-libyan-rebels-head-oh-fuck-n,21204/ Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?']]".
* SpeakIllOfTheDead: In "[[https://www.theonion.com/fun-toy-banned-because-of-three-stupid-dead-kids-1819565691 Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids]]."
* {{Spoiler}}: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/final_harry_potter_book Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers]]".
* SpurnedIntoSuicide: ''[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/david-cameron-to-scottish-people-ill-kill-myself-i,36941/ David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’'']]
* StalkingIsLove: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29546 Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested]]".
* StealthSequel: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/francis-ford-coppola-reveals-every-godfather-film,35423/ Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ‘Godfather’ Film Took Place In Same Narrative World]]"
* StepfordSmiler: The hosts of ''Today Now!'' are Type B, although [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW0XApwZpt0 it's possible Tracy Gill is Type A.]]
* StonersAreFunny:
** TheStoner: [[http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/anchower Jim Anchower.]]
** EverybodyMustGetStoned:
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/worlds-top-scientists-ponder-what-if-the-whole-uni,712/ World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?]]"
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/everyone_involved_in_pizzas Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High]]".

** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/american-muslims-to-fort-hood-shooter-thanks-a-lot-as-1819571135 American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole']]"

** In June 2011, a week of articles blatantly touted ''Website/TheOnion'' as deserving a Pulitzer Prize, following a [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-shall-now-exact-my-final-revenge-upon-that-jacka,20832/ Zweibel editorial]] stating that he hated Pulitzer and decided it would be the best possible way to piss on his grave. A [[http://afajp.tumblr.com/ lobby group]] was formed, whose president turned out to be an embezzler. Several celebrities appeared in Website/YouTube videos promoting the campaign.
* StrangelySpecificHoroscope: Every issue has an insane horoscope with strangely specific and violent predictions. PlayedForLaughs. Couple of concrete examples:

* StrangeSyntaxSpeaker: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/rules-grammar-change,922/ Rules Grammar Change]]"

* StrawmanPolitical: The editorial cartoons are done by a strawman conservative who draws even more ridiculous strawman liberals.[[note]]If you are also a conservative [[StrawmanHasAPoint prepare to sometimes agree with the strawman.]][[/note]]

* SturgeonsLaw: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/internet-scam-alert-most-kickstarter-projects-just,28655/ Internet Scam Alert: Most "Kickstarter" Projects Just Useless Crap]]
* SuperDeformed: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Mw1ARQc7vw Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size]]" explores the [[FridgeLogic ramifications]] of even the mild form (4 heads) seen in Franchise/{{Bratz}} dolls.

** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlRK-DtcqC0 Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As TV]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/romanticcomedy-behavior-gets-reallife-man-arrested,757/ Romantic Comedy Behavior gets Real Life Man Arrested]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/when-i-have-kids-im-not-going-to-drown-them,10692/ When I Have Kids, I'm Not Going To Drown Them]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/attempt-to-recreate-incredible-night-out-from-yout,20319/?utm_source=recentnews Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/life-jackets-issued-to-all-americans-for-some-reas,95/ Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason]]". Nothing to worry about though! Also, Homeland Security recommends wearing them at all times and the Navy is building shipyards in Idaho, Missouri, and Ohio[[note]]All landlocked states (in terms of the oceans - a large portion of Ohio's northern border is Lake Erie)[[/note]]. No reason, though.
*** "My fellow Americans, you may have noticed some small changes in the way we're asking you to go about your daily business," said Bush, his words muffled by a brass diving helmet. "The government is not trying to scare you. We just want you to be prepared for the very remote possibility that your lives will never be the same."
*** "Again, I cannot stress enough what a longshot that particular unspecified scenario is," Bush continued. "We are not facing what I would call a 'credible threat,' so don't even bother worrying about it."
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-the-onion-has-never-been-more-popu,31505/ New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, or More Respected]]" [[labelnote:Explanation]]This one showed up shortly after The Onion's Twitter account insulted 9-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis by calling her a [[CountryMatters very offensive word]].[[/labelnote]]
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gore-camp-denies-putting-bush-camps-canoe-in-treet,363/ Gore Camp Denies Putting Bush Camp's Canoe In Treetop]]"

* TailorMadePrison: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/prisoners-rights-group-protests-treatment-of-super-36285 Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-honors-911-first-capitalizers,18856 Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers, Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy]]"

** In response to the Lance Armstrong doping controversy, Website/TheOnion Store is proud to offer the "Cheat to Win" bracelet.

*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/hot-new-murder-craze-sweeps-chicago,29349/ Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago]]"
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/chicagos-annual-homicide-drive-off-to-most-promisi,31066/ Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades]]"

*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/mark-zuckerberg-recalls-coming-up-with-idea-for-faceboo-1826831713 Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death]]"
*** "[[https://www.theonion.com/mark-zuckerberg-defends-decision-to-fly-confederate-fla-1826847417 Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters]]"
*** "[[https://www.theonion.com/creepy-weirdo-still-stalking-you-on-facebook-1826835239 Creepy Weirdo Still Stalking You On Facebook]]"
*** From the point of view of Mark Zuckerberg's daughter: "[[https://www.theonion.com/daddy-i-don-t-want-to-live-in-the-world-your-website-h-1826861817 Daddy, I Don't Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created]]"
** Against ''Series/TedLasso'': "[[https://www.theonion.com/critically-acclaimed-ted-lasso-episode-just-stock-pho-1847547843 Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other]]"
* TakeThatAudience: Known to do this from time to time.

-->"Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large... and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking ''anything'' to help ''anyone''..."
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/let-me-explain-why-miley-cyrus-vma-performance-was,33632/ "Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus Was Our Top Story This Morning"]]
-->''So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we’re able to get more eyeballs, that means I’ve done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.''\\\
''I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite? Like 6 gazillion more.''\\\
''That's on you, not us.''
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij8-ZrDSADk This broadcast]]
-->"I promised myself I would get through one newscast this year without insulting the viewers. Unfortunately, some promises were meant to be broken you uncomprehending halfwits."

** Also, an implied backstory of TheseAreThingsManWasNotMeantToKnow

* TerroristsWithoutACause: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/conceptual-terrorists-encase-sears-tower-in-jello,2303/ Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O]]"
* TeensAreMonsters: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/15yearold-girl-viciously-torn-apart-by-rabid-pack,20962/ 15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers]]"

* TeenPregnancy: "[[https://local.theonion.com/abused-12-year-old-alabama-girl-doesn-t-think-she-can-h-1834787176 Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn't Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else]]"
* TestosteronePoisoning: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-texasstyle-yogurt-to-feed-mansize-hunger-for-y,2422/ New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt]]"
* TheTetrisEffect: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/area-ceo-likes-to-think-of-family-as-small-close-k-34852 Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business]]"
* TheSnackIsMoreInteresting: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJHHmmY1YCs Snacks Distract Lawmakers From Horrors of War]]"
* ThereIsNoKillLikeOverKill: “[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nypd-apologizes-for-accidental-shootingclubbingsta,739/ NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing-Choking-Impaling-Beheading-Electrocution-Lethal injection death]]"
* TheyChangedItNowItSucks: InUniverse:
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7mekhFTrXM NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line]]".

** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-worlds-lone-nontelepathic-individual-still,32461/ "World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware"]]. It just gets worse from the title; the illustration is just text reading "The image of the non-telepath has already been psychically transmitted to all of humanity and thus does not need to reproduced here."
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/breaking-authorities-currently-racing-down-highway,34462/ "BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn't Commit- Run!"]]
** [[http://www.theonion.com/article/totally-unknown-guy-strolling-around-your-part-of--38335 Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason]] .

** [[https://www.theonion.com/breaking-the-onion-has-detected-a-virus-on-your-comput-1837709055?utm_source=TheOnion_Daily_RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=&utm_term= "Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer"]]
* TheThemeParkVersion: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/yellowstone-national-park-concerned-about-competin,20675/ Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street]]"

* ThrowItIn: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27759 Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film]]".
* TimeAbyss: T. Herman Zweibel was born in the 1800s, and despite being incredibly old and afflicted with an innumerable amount of maladies, is somehow still hanging in there.

* TimeyWimeyBall: *[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/historical-archives-civil-war-preenactors-have-sta,6356/ Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd Battle Of Bull Run]]".

--> You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.

* TonightSomeoneDies: "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/disney-trailer-teases-exit-of-major-character-in-upcomi-1819580385 Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’]]"

* TooIncompetentToOperateABlanket: The host of the "Troublehacker" videos.
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEFL4mZa8ys Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?]]"
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyPyzNuApH4 Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nascar-to-abandon-racing-portion-of-business-conce,17820/ NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads]]"

* TrainingFromHell: [[https://www.theonion.com/i-want-to-be-in-the-olympics-someday-says-delusional-1847422548 ‘I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,’ Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite Training]] claims that the titular kindergartener Mia Gaughan is already 4 years behind in elite training, and calls her narcissistic and foolish for even thinking of competing in the Olympics when she's that far behind.
* TranquilFury: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/dad-way-scarier-when-controlling-temper,36056/ Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper]]."

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock,10861/ Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?]]
* TransEqualsGay: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhKa-NVWEg8 Conservatives: Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays/Marriage]]".
* TransparentCloset: "[[https://www.theonion.com/band-teacher-gay-in-retrospect-1819566832 Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect]]"
* TraumaCongaLine: Jim Haggerty in the ''Porkin' Across America'' series is subjected to this along with a decent amount of BodyHorror and SanitySlippage. Besides losing his dog, car, house and the love of his entire family throughout the progress of the show, his continually building injuries force him to have to replace parts of his body with pig innards. By the final episode he's so become so disparaged and mutilated that he embraces becoming a pig and goes to live on a farm with the rest of his kind, even disregarding an opportunity to retake his hosting position on ''Today Now!'' and an awards show in favor his new "family."

-->'''Draeger:''' We ''need'' a place where all ages can gather and pay their respects, and remember what it is that we've lost.
-->'''Al-Farouq:''' Yes. It is our goal to continue to make places where people can go and mourn the death of their loved ones.
* TroubledProduction: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/terry-gilliam-barbecue-plagued-by-production-delay,4746/ Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays]]".[[invoked]]
* TroublingUnchildlikeBehavior: Lucas Armitage in [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDWo6m5hbG4 "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutliates Burglar"]]. Even the host gets a bit uncomfortable as Lucas stares into the camera and says "I want the blood."

* TrueMeaningOfChristmas: Parodied in "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0McggLIYmnE Has Halloween Become Too Commercialized?]]", where the debaters discuss how people are forgetting the true meaning of Halloween; warding of evil spirits.
* TurnedAgainstTheirMasters: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/im-afraid-you-wont-be-coming-our-new-headquarters--56912 ‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office]]"

** Donald Trump's sons tend to be written as this, including "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-boys-beg-father-to-nominate-g-i-joe-action-figur-1825543511 Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary]]" or "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-boys-forge-father-s-signature-on-letters-they-wro-1822807476 Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying]]"

* MarathonLevel: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nascar-considers-single-21500-mile-race-for-2011-s,17489/ NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season]]"
* MarriedToTheJob: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbn-jiN6b_E Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team]]"
* MarryingTheMark: Parodied: [[https://www.theonion.com/housewife-charged-in-sex-for-security-scam-1819567920 Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam]], [[FelonyMisdemeanor where a woman marries a man in order to obtain food, lodging, and financial security in exchange for occasional sex for over 19 years.]]
* MassOhCrap: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nationals-book-it-after-foul-ball-accidentally-sma,2448/ Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/life-raft-companion-looks-just-like-juicy-steak-1819565682 Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak]]"
** "[[http://sports.theonion.com/c-c-sabathia-prince-fielder-keep-imagining-each-other-1819569949 C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger]]"

** "[[http://politics.theonion.com/ominous-music-heard-throughout-u-s-sends-nation-into-p-1819594842 Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/breaking-news-series-of-concentric-circles-emanating-f-1819594684 Breaking News: Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot]]"

* MilitaryCoup: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRgRz3nSG7o U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt]]"
* MisaimedFandom: [[invoked]] "[[https://local.theonion.com/man-wearing-cobra-command-shirt-missed-the-whole-point-1834243488 Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’]]"
* MischiefMakingMonkey: [[https://www.theonion.com/epstein-guards-placed-on-disciplinary-leave-for-allowin-1837280966 Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring]]

** Inverted: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30112 Ugly Girl Killed]]".
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/missing-girl-probably-raped,14164/ Missing Girl Probably Raped]]"
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TiS3HaNhPU Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister]]"
* MistakenNationality:
** {{Spexico}}: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38654 Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican]]".
* {{Mockbuster}}: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/disneys-toy-tales-hits-theaters-friday,33419/ Disney's 'Toy Tales' Hits Theaters Friday]]"
* MoneyDearBoy: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nobel-fever-grips-research-community-as-prize-swel,306/ Nobel Fever Grips Research Community As Prize Swells To $190 Million]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-bipartisan-law-would-make-dog-neckerchiefs-man,26301/ New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory]]". Everyone gushes about how cute they all are, and then you get to paragraph 15: "As of press time, an estimated 800,000 dogs had been euthanized for failing to comply with the new law."

** "[[https://www.theonion.com/u-s-army-now-just-chasing-single-remaining-isis-soldie-1833579619 U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village]]": The article portrays the last remaining ISIS soldier as a whacky WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes-esque prankster, but ends with a sobering reminder of how many ISIS fighters are actually still at large.
* MoonLandingHoax: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/conspiracy-theorist-convinces-neil-armstrong-moon,2796/ Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked]]"
** Ironically, the story was reprinted by ''two'' Bangladesh newspapers[[note]]The Daily Manab Zami and New Nation[[/note]] as real news.

--> ''2) Fox News - The tagline "FoxNews" makes me cringe. Please do not subject me to this biased news station.'' '''I would almost rather you print off an article from Website/TheOnion.'''
* MoreDakka: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-at-office-planning-shooting-spree-for-sam,30793/ Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/ar15-assault-rifle-beginning-to-worry-it-may-never,31080/ AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person]]"
* TheMorlocks: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/hundreds-blind-pallid-disney-characters-discovered-55609 Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain]]"
* MostDefinitelyNotAVillain: [[http://www.theonion.com/video/cindy-mccain-claims-shes-just-like-any-other-femal,14282/ "Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’"]]: "Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy [=McCain=] says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy" "...who loves her children with both her hearts" but wonders why the man-creatures dare to doubt their masters. Just a normal person!

** "''[[Film/LesMiserables2012 Les Misérables]]'' [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/les-miserables-takes-home-oscar-for-most-sound,31441/ Takes Home Oscar For Most Sound]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/ceiling-fan-transforms-apartment-without-air-condi,33190/ Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland]]"
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2uqJ4xTx8k DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/opiuminspired-ad-executive-composes-epic-tums-jing,3137/ Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/south-korean-president-eats-full-balanced-meal-in-show-1819580244 South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41904 NASA Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use]]"
** "[[UsefulNotes/{{NASCAR}} Jimmie Johnson]] [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/jimmie-johnson-disqualified-after-prerace-inspecti,28027/ Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane]]"

-->"Thursday, November 3, 1995. Early afternoon. I have been working as a security guard at Clover Square Mall for two, maybe three months. The world is my oyster. I veer off my usual route and stop for a Mountain Dew at Mrs. Fields.
-->As I lean against the counter, shooting the breeze with Gail, I hear a distinctive clap-clap sound coming from the direction of Electronics Boutique. That sound can only mean one thing–running. Past Waldenbooks, Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant and Sbarro run a young Caucasian male. Paul, the assistant manager of Electronics Boutique, is pursuing him. I give chase, but I am too late. The perpetrator has escaped with a brand-new copy of Madden '96.
-->YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I was young, damn it. YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. I am a human being, not a god. HE IS OUT THERE STILL. I don't know that."
* MysteryMagnet: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/two-dozen-more-bodies-found-in-lake-wobegon,2695/ Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon]]"
* NWordPrivileges: "[[https://www.theonion.com/god-finally-gives-shout-out-back-to-all-his-niggaz-1819566159 God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz]]"
* {{Narm}}: {{Invoked}} with "Study: Children of Divorce Twice As Likely to Write Bad Poetry" (no longer available online but can be found in the book ''[[http://www.amazon.com/Dispatches-Tenth-Circle-Best-Onion/dp/0609808346 Dispatches from the Tenth Circle]]'').

* NeedleInAStackOfNeedles: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TiS3HaNhPU Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister]]"
* NegativeContinuity: For example, they made [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-on-gay-marriage-sure-who-cares,31812/ this article]] where the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage. The very next day they ran [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-justices-brought-to-tears-by-heartfe,31826/ an article]] saying the Court voted unanimously to uphold the Defense of Marriage Act.

* NeverLiveItDown:
** InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/everyone-still-remembers-time-you-threw-up-in-5th--17291 Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade]]"
** InUniverse, "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GL3E4NhE5ME Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart]]"
** InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-got-shit-together-5-years-ago-still-viewed,30926/ Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family]]"
** InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/all-of-mans-accomplishments-overshadowed-by-hefty--37886 All Of Man's Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight]]"
* NeverMyFault: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/shitty-human-being-blames-decreased-daylight-this,18290/ Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time]]".
** Part of Jean Teasdale's CloudCuckoolander act is her never accepting responsibility or blame for her faults, whether it's getting fired[[note]]She got caught using eBay -- on the boss's computer, no less -- and remains convinced that the boss just hated her[[/note]] or her poor sense of humor[[note]]A friend declines to use Jean's jokes in a stand-up act because they're pithy and toothless, but Jean thinks the friend was threatened by the idea of a superior comic[[/note]]. When a local magazine calls her article out for being garbage, she insists that they don't know what they're talking about -- [[HypocriticalHumor while doing]] '''[[HypocriticalHumor everything]]''' [[HypocriticalHumor that they said makes her articles garbage]].
** [[https://local.theonion.com/girlfriend-dumped-after-valentine-candy-related-weight-1819568309 Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine Candy Related Weight Gain]]. After pressuring his girlfriend to eat the candy he gave her (which she then ate over the course of a week as they were snowed in and left unable to do her usual errands, like the gym), a boyfriend dumps the slim girl via ''[[DumpedViaTextMessage email]]'' for putting on somewhere between 3-5 pounds.
** The infamous article "[[https://local.theonion.com/bully-can-t-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-of-1819577670 Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart]]" has the girl ''still'' [[SpeakIllOfTheDead badmouthing her dead classmate/victim]] and actually trying to trivialize the tragedy via this and JustJokingJustification. Worse is how even years after the fact is that it's plausible that the bully's empathy (or likely [[LackOfEmpathy lackthereof]], if going by the article) still won't truly allow her to accept responsibility for what she did or make any real amends (or stop her from doing it to someone else).
* NewTechnologyIsEvil: Kelly's cartoons often mock/demonize teenagers for using these, typically referring to the devices as "SOME GIZMO". Contrary to the intended message, it only makes Kelly himself look hopelessly behind the times (he's [[http://o.onionstatic.com/images/articles/article/12356/KellyVHS_jpg_630x1200_upscale_q85.jpg bemoaned the fall of VHS]] in the past, and only embraced the DVD format when it began to concede to Blu-Ray).

* NightmareFuelColoringBook: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJkWS4t4l0k Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday]]".
** "[[https://assets2.onionstatic.com/onion/custom/trump-docs/scans/21-Childrens-Letters-To-The-President/21-Childrens_Letters_To_Trump_SCAN.pdf 21 Children's Letters to President Trump]]".

* NippleAndDimed: The article “[[https://www.theonion.com/u-s-children-still-traumatized-one-year-after-seeing-p-1819567718 U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV]]” satirizes the whole Janet Jackson thing and the question raised here beautifully.

* NoHoldsBarredBeatdown: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-i-see-doug-im-going-to-kick-his-ass-vs-apparent,20359/ If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought]]"
** [[https://local.theonion.com/five-or-six-dudes-jump-out-of-nowhere-and-just-start-wh-1819565638 Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling on This One Guy]]

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-enjoy-yelling-things,10821/ I Enjoy Yelling Things]]"
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ogM0aDe2Pc BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language]]"
* NonIndicativeName: In "[[https://youtu.be/qXD9HnrNrvk Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters]]", the interviewer asks what the anteater's Venezuelan name means, and the expert says, "catcher of ants." After an awkward pause, the inteviewer points out that he finds it interesting that anteaters dont' eat ants.
* NoodleIncident: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/there-should-be-no-secrets-in-our-relationship-exc,11524/ There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004]]".
** Semi-regular columnist [[TheSpymaster Dept. Head Rawlings]] makes frequent reference to [[MyGreatestFailure "the Barcelona debacle"]] in his articles.

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/un-orders-wonka-to-submit-to-chocolate-factory-ins,5/ U.N. Orders]] [[Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory Willy Wonka]] [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/un-orders-wonka-to-submit-to-chocolate-factory-ins,5/ To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nascar-to-discontinue-having-kids-rush-onto-track,28482/ NASCAR To Discontinue Having Kids Rush Onto Track To Wipe Up Skid Marks During Races]]"
** "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/video-game-characters-denounce-randomly-placed-swinging-1819565686 Video Game Characters Denounce Randomly Placed Swinging Blades]]"
* NoPartyLikeADonnerParty: Played for laughs in "[[https://www.theonion.com/in-retrospect-i-guess-we-might-have-resorted-to-cannib-1819583474 In Retrospect, I Guess We Might Have Resorted To Cannibalism A Bit Early]]", where five people stuck in an elevator kill and cannibalize a sixth - less than an hour after gettting stuck.
* NoProductSafetyStandards: has a few parodies of this, such as one video where a [[http://www.theonion.com/video/manufacturer-recalls-hollow-point-bullets-that-fai,14319/ munitions manufacturer apologized]] for hollow-point rounds not exploding properly with [[CrossesTheLineTwice animations showing]] the problem.

** Mocked InUniverse with "10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic for The '90s", a 2013 slideshow with real photos of such great things as the Rwandan genocide, the fiery end of the Waco siege, the Oklahoma City bombing, and UsefulNotes/{{Columbine}}. (And Creator/AlanAlda, for some reason.)
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PnNBLWA-Sk Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions]]"
* NoSuchThingAsBadPublicity: "[[https://politics.theonion.com/bloomberg-campaign-raises-visibility-by-pumping-5-mill-1841607899 Bloomberg Campaign Raises Visibility By Pumping $5 Million Into #BloombergIsRacist Hashtag]]" [[invoked]]
* NoTalkingOrPhonesWarning: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/vehement-anticellphone-guy-finally-caves,1777/ Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/white-house-jester-beheaded-for-making-fun-of-soar,17495/ White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/ohio-replaces-lethal-injection-with-humane-new-hea,36077/ Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine]]"
* OldShame: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29964 Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s]]".
* OnceDoneNeverForgotten
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-still-remembers-time-you-threw-up-in-5th,17291/ Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade]]".
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/man-who-shit-pants-in-grade-school-awarded-purple,19332/ Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart]]".

** Ambiguously used in the similar sports feature ''Fan on the Street'', which always shows the same three photos with [[NoNameGiven no names or occupations given]]. Lampshaded [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/on-tiger-woods-victory-at-bay-hill,27808/ here]].
* OpinionMyopia: InUniverse. Stan Kelly, the fictional creator of ''The Onion''[='s=] parodic political cartoons, refuses to accept that people might differ from him in aeshetics or opinion on even the most trivial subject without being moral degenerates. One cartoon, for instance, is dedicated entirely to lambasting modern sickos for their anti-American and freedom-hating habit of... eating wraps instead of sandwiches.

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-hobbit-to-feature-53minutelong-scene-of-bilbo,30727/ 'The Hobbit' To Feature 53-Minute-Long Scene Of Bilbo Baggins Trying To Figure Out What To Pack]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/opiuminspired-ad-executive-composes-epic-tums-jing,3137/ Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle]]"

* OverlyStereotypicalDisguise: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPjsoYfTxj4 Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe]]" sees the undercover reporter putting on YellowFace, a [[AllAsiansWearConicalStrawHats conical straw hat]], and speaking in [[AsianSpeekeeEngrish broken English]] in the belief that it will help him blend in with the population of Chinatown and allow him to infiltrate a counterfeit ring. Much to his genuine confusion, people refuse to speak to him.

* ParodyProductPlacement: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32002 Spider-Man Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious]] Advertising/HostessFruitPies"
* APartyAlsoKnownAsAnOrgy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-fed-grapes-while-urging-press-conference-to,32540/ Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy]]"

** "[[https://www.theonion.com/biblical-scholars-find-evidence-church-covered-up-for-3-1828360686?utm_source=TheOnion_Daily_RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=&utm_term= Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/uk-cardinal-resigns-in-wake-ofget-thissex-abuse-al,31443/ U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations]]"

* PeripheryDemographic: InUniverse.

* PhotographicMemory: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-can-remember-exactly-where-he-was-what-he,34647/ Area Man Can Remember Exactly Where He Was, What He Was Doing When He Assassinated John F. Kennedy]]"

* PlausibleDeniability: "[[https://politics.theonion.com/paul-ryan-announces-new-congress-sexual-harassment-trai-1820545075 Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability]]"

** Many, many times some articles have been mistaken for legitimate ones. "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/republicans-vote-to-repeal-obamabacked-bill-that-w,19025/ Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth]]" actually provoked [[http://volokh.com/2011/02/15/asteroid-defense-and-libertarianism/ a Libertarian blogger]] to agree.

** [[http://literallyunbelievable.tumblr.com/ This site archives Facebook reactions treating the articles as real.]]
*** [[https://www.reddit.com/r/AteTheOnion/ Likewise this subreddi]]

* MadwomanInTheAttic: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/lapd-discovers-hidden-deformed-olsen-triplet,576/ LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet]]
* TheMagazineRule: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/star-wars-gamer-magazine-boldly-claims-to-be-the-l,3698/ Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers]]".

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28338 Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly-Placed Swinging Blades]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-quite-perfect-mcdonalds-opens-in-illinois-outl,1328/ 'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall]]"
* ManChild:
** Inverted, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-down-to-last-hundred-grownups,20491 Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups]]".

* IHaveThisFriend: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bush_asks_advice_for_this Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq]]".
** [[http://www.theonion.com/video/political-talk-show-host-suddenly-very-interested,14340/ "Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes"]]
* IKnowMaddenKombat: "LBJ Deploys Green Bay Packers to Vietnam".
* ImmoralRealityShow: ''WebVideo/SexHouse'', of course.
* ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/winchester-unveils-new-9mm-stray-bullet-guaranteed-50877 Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders]]"
* ImprobableAimingSkills: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nationals-book-it-after-foul-ball-accidentally-sma,2448/ Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda]]"
* IndianBurialGround: [[http://www.theonion.com/video/report-economy-failing-because-us-built-on-ancient,20638/ "Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds"]]
* InfractionDistraction: "[[https://www.theonion.com/cuomo-increasingly-desperate-to-shift-focus-back-onto-n-1847423866 [Andrew] Cuomo Increasingly Desperate To Shift Focus Back Onto Nursing Home Deaths]]"
* InnocentInaccurate: A blend of this and ''The Onion'''s usual style is ''heartwrenching''.
* InsurmountableWaistHeightFence: [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/video-game-character-stares-impotently-at-forbidden-rea-1829141076 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush]]
* InspirationallyDisadvantaged

-->"Now, we all like Freddy—everybody in the Senate does," Sen. Tim Hutchinson (R-AR) said. "We love the construction-paper vases and desk placemats he made all of us, as well as the way he puts all his senator stuff away in the multi-colored plastic bins in his office at the end of the day. But does that make him qualified to be a legislator? Should he be in the position to cast the deciding vote on a key Medicare-reform bill? It's just not fair to the American people—or to him."
* TheInternetIsForPorn: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/naked_woman_picture_gains Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet]]". ({{NSFW}})

* ItHasBeenAnHonor: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/its-been-an-honor-gentlemen-shift-supervisor-says,28522/ "It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen," Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts]]
* ItIsBeyondSaving: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0AEarudEdI "FDA Commissioner: I Give Up On You Pigs"]]

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-google-streep-view-to-provide-panoramic-imager,34751/ New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep]]"

* ItsAllMyFault: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/soaring-us-divorce-rate-blamed-on-local-11yearold,911/ Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old]]"

* ItsQuietTooQuiet: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn5c1FuLDd4 "Tea Party Quiet... Too Quiet"]]

* {{Japandering}}: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-earns-money-for-us-by-appearing-in-japanese,21292/ Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial]]"
* {{Jerkass}}

** Also "Asshole Proud of Asshole Son," which features a racist, sexist jerk who's pleased that his son's turning out like him.

* JurisdictionFriction: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/local_authorities_more_than Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over]]"
* JustHereForGodzilla:[[invoked]] Parodied in "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/guinness-releases-abridged-book-freaks-readers-who-56066 Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff]]"

** "[[https://local.theonion.com/bully-can-t-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-of-1819577670 Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/gay-teen-worried-he-might-be-christian-2888 Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian]]"
** "[[https://local.theonion.com/local-teen-walks-in-on-family-masturbating-1819575823 Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/asian-teen-has-sweaty-middle-aged-man-fetish-1819570514 Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish]]"

** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/epic-saga-of-employees-ineptitude-passed-down-thro,31765/ Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers]], shows how the employee in question still has his job despite his many mistakes.
-->“[[LampshadeHanging God, I can’t believe nobody’s had the balls to just]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] [[LampshadeHanging fire him already]],” Meyers added.
** [[http://www.theonion.com/video/college-basketball-star-heroically-overcomes-tragi-19097 College Basketball Star Heroically Overcomes Tragic Rape He Committed]]. The basketball star in question doesn't suffer any consequences for drunkenly raping a girl, and everyone involved passes it off as a heroic accomplishment.
** [[http://www.theonion.com/article/wealthy-teen-nearly-experiences-consequence-2551 Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence]]. In it, the teen in question evades even the slap on the wrist proposed for him.
* KarmicDeath: [[https://politics.theonion.com/epa-administrator-proves-carbon-emissions-not-harmful-b-1836912751 EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe]]

* KillThePoor: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/rnc-builds-levee-out-of-poor-people-to-protect-con,29337/ RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/paul-ryan-slits-auto-mechanic-s-throat-to-kick-off-gop-1821475569 Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/blood-soaked-mayor-bloomberg-announces-homelessness-no-1819575714 Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City]]"
* KnightInSourArmor: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/existentialist-firefighter-delays-3-deaths,17500/ Existentialist Firefighter Delays Three Deaths]]

* LampshadedDoubleEntendre: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/peyton-mannings-wife-tired-of-his-constant-audible,5043 Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage']]"
* LatinLover: "[[https://www.theonion.com/small-town-ravished-by-alejandro-1836636742 Small Town Ravished By Alejandro]]"

* LetThemDieHappy: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/family-tells-ailing-mandela-racism-over,32937/ Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over]]
* LifetimeMovieOfTheWeek: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33436 Oh, My God - The Baby!]]"
* LighterAndSofter: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-david-simon-project-to-investigate-happy-upper,17426/ New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, Illinois.]]"

--> [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-september-18-2012,29600/ Capricorn:]] You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their [[BreadEggsMilkSquick intoxicating undergarments.]]
--> [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-september-4-2012,29430/ Taurus:]] You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.

* LoopholeAbuse: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2OObOM3R_U Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes]]"

* LowestCommonDenominator: InUniverse-- "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmCjJ0VBjjU Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall]]".

* LysistrataGambit: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/congressional-aides-withholding-sex-until-budget-c,34151/ Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached]]"

* DistractedByTheSexy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-finds-majority-of-male-voters-would-have-elec,18436/ Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman]]". ({{NSFW}}).

* FaceHeelTurn: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/lance-armstrong-debuts-evil-fantaunting-persona-ki,30963/ Lance Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-dont-they-make-a-second-godfather-movie,11434/ Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?]]"

* FatBastard: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-obesity-epidemic-traced-to-single-heavyse,35640/ Jeremiah Alden, the fattest man on the Mayflower and possible culprit of genetic obesity in America]]. Although his demeanor is noted as being [[BigFun "joyous and agreeable"]] by the other settlers, his laziness and great appetite meant that he tended to do nothing but sit around all day and eat all of the colony's supplies, which led to half of the Puritans starving to death that winter.

* {{Filler}}: [[http://www.theonion.com/article/new-census-study-finds-that-40-of-us-population-is-37249 New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler]]

* FiringInTheAirALot: [[https://www.theonion.com/iraq-kentucky-vie-for-world-shooting-into-the-air-supr-1819566747 Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy]]

* FirstRuleOfTheYard: [[https://local.theonion.com/biggest-guy-in-prison-tired-of-every-new-inmate-beating-1827063562 Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day]]

** Founder and editor of The Onion T. Herman Zweibel far surpasses a DiscoDan, being positively ancient (over 140 years old) and sheltered from modern life for a century by his severe decrepitude and distaste for his fellow man. He seems dimly aware of what's going on in the world, but for the most part he approaches everything with the zealous tyranny of a Gilded Age robber baron -- when he learns of the death of print and the new tycoons of social media, his first instinct is to have Zuckerberg and Musk killed.

* FoodPorn: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/report-oh-fuck-yeah-egg-yolk-dripping-all-over-san-55558 Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich]]"
** Treated as literal porn in [[https://local.theonion.com/masturbating-mom-can-t-get-bobby-flay-southwestern-eggs-1825173342 "Masturbating Mom Can’t Get Bobby Flay Southwestern Eggs Demo To Stop Buffering"]]
* TheFool: [[UsefulNotes/JohnKerry John]] [[RunningGag Kerry]].

* ForTheEvulz: "[[https://www.theonion.com/mosquitoes-dont-even-need-to-bite-us-study-shows-1819573451 Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows]]"
* ForWantOfANail: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/recent-rise-in-international-disputes-traced-back,2774/ Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide]]"

* FountainOfYouth: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/experimental-anti-aging-treatment-still-has-few-ki-56550 Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers]]"

* FriendToAllLivingThings: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/geese-all-flying-to-andy-garcias-house-for-winter,30580/ Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter]]"
* FrozenDinnerOfLoneliness: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f6N0ypfJoU Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-currently-being-chased-in-background-of-secr,37073/ Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing]]"

* FutureLoser: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/video/entertainment_scientists_warn Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013]]"
* GaiasVengeance: "[[https://politics.theonion.com/scott-pruitt-nervously-picks-up-walking-pace-as-hundred-1819708622 Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace as Hundreds of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him]]"
* GameShow

*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/alex-trebek-deftly-prolongs-agonizing-small-talk,3614/ Alex Trebek Deftly Prolongs Agonizing Small Talk]]"
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/ken-jennings-mistaken-for-subways-jared-again,4874/ Ken Jennings Mistaken For Subway's Jared Again]]"

*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/price-is-right-demands-pullout-of-us-forces,1124/ 'Price Is Right' Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces]]"
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/what-am-i-going-to-do-with-all-these-dog-uteruses,11413/ What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?]]"

*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/desperate-wheel-of-fortune-receives-approval-to-us,3681/ Desperate 'Wheel Of Fortune' Receives Approval To Use Swear Words]]"

* GenreBlindness: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/experts-agree-giant-razorclawed-bioengineered-crab,14318/ Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat.]]"
** Also, the woman in [[https://www.theonion.com/im-sure-that-out-of-control-water-skier-will-avoid-our-1819584488 this commentary]].

-->"I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who has been accidentally [[UnPerson erased]]."
-->"I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is battling his nemesis to the death on top of a [[EvilTowerOfOminousness clock tower]]."
-->"I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is [[TheStoryteller regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea]]."
-->"I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who [[JumpedOffTheSlipperySlope messed with the wrong people and got involved in some]] [[SophisticatedAsHell serious shit]]."
-->"[[BlatantLies I'm Clifford Banes]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwhy6cxOZlI wearing]] [[LatexPerfection a perfect latex Juliana McKannis mask]]."

* GirlfriendInCanada: Appears in "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29378 Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet]]".
** The entirety of [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/canadian-girlfriend-unsubstantiated,1484/ Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated]]

* GodzillaThreshold: [[https://www.theonion.com/last-ditch-climate-change-report-provides-locations-of-1835244382 Last Ditch Climate Change Plan Provides Locations of Weapons, Current Whereabouts of Oil Executives]].
* GoMadFromTheRevelation: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/onn-exclusive-oneonone-interview-with-god,37236/ One-On-One Interview With God]]".
* GoneHorriblyWrong: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/what_kind_of_powdered_chocolate What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World?]]"

* GotMeDoingIt: Referenced by name in the last paragraph of [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-has-derogatory-nickname-for-every-neighboring,1418/ Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town]].

* GrandRomanticGesture: [[https://local.theonion.com/romantic-comedy-behavior-gets-real-life-man-arrested-1819565117 Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested]]

* GreenAesop: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/video/entertainment_scientists_warn Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013]]".
* GretzkyHasTheBall: Inverted with "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/even_british_able_to_see?utm_source=slate_rss_1 Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneer's Defence]]".

* GroinAttack: In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eCvDzAJhP4 In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls]], political analysts give their opinions on a deal where President Obama agrees to let Republicans in Congress repeatedly kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.

* GunNut: "[[https://www.theonion.com/nra-praised-for-decreasing-stigma-of-mentally-ill-acqui-1828720712 NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms]]"

* HandsOnApproach: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-stands-behind-ryan-to-show-good-campaigning,30008/ Romney stands behind Ryan to Show Good Campaigning Stance.]]"
* HardDrinkingPartyGirl: "[[http://www.onionstudios.com/videos/hurricane-ashley-expected-to-strike-several-bars-this-cinco-de-mayo-2101 Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo]]".
* HarmfulToMinors: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30883 U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially-Exposed Breast On TV]]".
* HasAType: "[[https://www.theonion.com/area-man-saddened-to-realize-short-jewish-women-with-an-1819570303 Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type]]"
* HateSink: "[[https://local.theonion.com/mom-hates-bad-guy-in-movie-1829717556 Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie]]"
* HaveIMentionedIAmSexuallyActiveToday: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/teen-boys-losing-virginity-earlier-and-earlier-rep,35906/ Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier and Earlier, Report Teen Boys]]"

** "[[https://www.theonion.com/robert-mueller-dreading-returning-from-2-month-european-1819580154 Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/cdc-director-alarmed-after-googling-covid-cases-for-f-1847378739 CDC Director Alarmed After Googling 'Covid Cases' For First Time in Weeks]]"

* HeelFaceTurn: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/formerly-evil-wrestler-realizes-error-of-his-ways-215 Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways]]"
* HenpeckedHusband: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/empowered-man-murders-controlling-wife-in-lifetime-2699 Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie]]"

* HelpYourselfInTheFuture: "[[https://politics.theonion.com/time-traveling-hillary-clinton-warns-self-to-do-everyth-1821196436 Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way]]"

* HollywoodHacking: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fasttalking-computer-hacker-just-has-to-break-thro,32000/ Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus]]"
* HollywoodHeartAttack: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/doctors-say-average-heart-attack-victim-doesnt-clu,36532/ Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough".]]

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/autistic-reporter-train-thankfully-unharmed-in-cra,20098/ Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man]]"
** And "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/autistic-reporter-michael-falk-enchanted-by-prison,26712/ Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine]]."
* HollywoodScience: [[http://www.theonion.com/video/in-the-know-coal-lobby-warns-wind-farms-may-blow-e,20876/ Coal Lobby warns Wind Farms may blow Earth off-orbit]].

* HulkSpeak: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33980 Why No One Want Make]] Film/{{Hulk}} [[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33980 2?]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/neverland-ranch-investigators-discover-corpse-of-r,1303/ Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse of Real Michael Jackson]]"

* HuntingTheMostDangerousGame: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44462 Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected]]" is a [[DeconstructedTrope deconstruction]]. The human prey wasn't conditioned to survive in the jungle, and [[TooDumbToLive died]] in ways the titular hunter [[EpicFail didn't even consider was fathomable]].
** [[https://politics.theonion.com/lindsey-graham-cowers-behind-tree-trunk-as-trump-s-hunt-1819579572 "Lindsey Graham Cowers Behind Tree Trunk As Trump's Hunting Dogs Close In."]]
* HurricaneOfEuphemisms: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/renowned-hooha-doctor-wins-nobel-prize-for-medical,2692/ Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There]]"

* HypeAversion: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/new-apple-friend-bar-gives-customers-someone-to-ta,17693/ New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products]]"

** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT2hfG3WbT8 Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not Problem]], Says Team of Female Researchers Who All Recently Sustained Injuries Due to Various Accidents"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/elmore-leonard-modern-prose-master-noted-for-his-t,33559 Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old]]"

** "[[https://local.theonion.com/man-wearing-cobra-command-shirt-missed-the-whole-point-1834243488 Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point of ‘G.I. Joe’]]" -- Rowe's employers complain about him wearing a shirt for the fictitious terrorist organization, while they named their company after the president and greatest general of the Confederate States of America, who rebelled against the U.S. in the American Civil War.

* UglyGuyHotWife: "[[https://www.theonion.com/woman-s-parents-accepting-of-mixed-attractiveness-relat-1819577338 Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship]]"

[[caption-width-right:350:[[{{Slogan}} Stay misinformed.]]]]


->''[[PretentiousLatinMotto Tu Stultus Es]]''[[labelnote:Lat.]]Literally, [[TakeThatAudience "You are stupid."]][[/labelnote]]

* AIIsACrapshoot: The Fact Zone was made fully automated at one point, which allowed it to develop sapience and [[{{Yandere}} an obsessive crush on Brooke Alvarez.]]
* TheAllegedCar: Jim Anchower's [[RunningGag perpetually abused]] [[ChronicallyCrashedCar Ford Festiva.]]

-->Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with multinational corporate powers.
-->After stopping at a roadside UsefulNotes/McDonalds, Chomsky was unable to enjoy the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.
-->Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.

* AlternateHistory: A meta-example, in that the alternate history story is itself written in an alternate history universe (compare ''Literature/TheManInTheHighCastle'', one of the oldest AH novels, which uses a similar premise with the in-story story ''The Grasshopper Lies Heavy'') "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/alternateuniverse-scifi-channel-show-asks-what-wou,2846/ Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War]]"
* AnimalMetaphor: An article has an entire family attempting to use the family dog as a metaphor for their relationship difficulties—The father for example saying that the dog feels confined and needs to run free, while the youngest child says the dog just wants some attention...

* ApatheticStudent: Played for laughs in "Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish", wherein a lazy student manages to rouse public support when he flunks his Spanish class so he can smoke cigarettes, which is misinterpreted by the right-wing lobby as a grand patriotic protest. The kid really is just obnoxious and stupid.

* AppealToTradition: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnX-D4kkPOQ Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?]]" has this as a major focus: the reporters focus only on the Money Hole's status as a long tradition and a part of American identity (with a side note of "[[SunkCostFallacy to stop now would be an insult to everyone]]".)

* AxCrazy : A JerkJock [[http://www.theonion.com/video/potential-school-shooter-gunned-down-by-popular-jo-20877 shooting innocent students]] and [[http://www.theonion.com/article/portrait-of-a-hero-19136 having killed animals for fun and written a manifesto about him skinning a classmate and wearing it as a pelt]].

--> [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-september-25-2012,29686/ Gemini:]] You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to [[PrecisionFStrike "motherfucker."]]
* BatmanGrabsAGun: Played for laughs as the principles which are broken in desperation are really silly to begin with: "[[https://www.theonion.com/libertarian-reluctantly-calls-fire-department-1819567309 Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department]]"

* BeYourself: Deconstructed in "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/local-man-ruins-date-by-just-being-himself-255 Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself]]".

* BiggerThanJesus: Published an apology in their corrections section after purportedly making such a remark, consequently revealing {{Inverted|Trope}} intentions:
--> "We would like to apologize for stating last week that ''The Onion'' is 'bigger than Jesus'. What we meant to imply is that ''The Onion'' is more important and influential than Jesus, not that our newspaper is in any way physically larger than He was. We regret any confusion."

* BlondeRepublicanSexKitten: Joad Cressbeckler is a twist on this trope. He's a parody of an old, Xenophobic, curmudgeony conservative, but he frequently ends up taking liberal stances on things like [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-9G6SJVM3Y&list=PL533DA7D18F245211&index=6 gay rights]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6-pHb4LKT0 immigration]], and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsBRfmErTEA&list=PL533DA7D18F245211&index=5 GMOs]], but for his own bizarre reasons.

* BookEnds: The Onion opened UsefulNotes/BarackObama's presidency with [[http://www.theonion.com/article/black-man-given-nations-worst-job-6439 Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job]], and ended it with [[http://www.theonion.com/article/black-man-out-work-55106 Black Man Out Of Work]]; both articles treat the presidency as just another undesirable, unpleasant job.
* BreadAndCircuses: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/48-syrian-civilians-massacred-during-claire-danes,29666/ "48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech"]]
--> "At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Creator/LenaDunham was anxiously waiting to hear if ''Series/{{Girls}}'' would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series."

** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mCktSlyETw Animator Misses The Birth Of His Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Penis Bulge]]"
-->"I hope when audiences go to see ''WesternAnimation/Incredibles2'' this summer, they admire all the technical details Pixar's animators put into these characters- their hair, their eyelashes, the way their penises consistently rest up against their super-suits."

** "Our Dumb Century" has a story about one of FDR's fireside chats being a "long string of cuss words." Basically, "My fellow Americans..." were the only words out of his mouth that ''weren't'' an obscenity of some sort.
* ComicallyMissingThePoint: Uses this humor a LOT, especially their [[https://www.youtube.com/show/todaynow Today Now!]] and [[https://www.youtube.com/show/intheknow In The Know]] segments. One example is "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D04wb7P_v-4 Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine]]," especially when Falk gets distracted by the time the prisoner, Brian Wasserman, talked about how he had to stack crates, and mostly stops listening to Falk.
-->'''Falk''': Why do you want to get out of here?\\
'''Wasserman''': For my family.\\
'''Falk''': Can you stack your family?\\
'''Wasserman''': ...[[FlatWhat What]]?\\
'''Falk''': I want to be in prison.\\
'''Wasserman''': No, you don't.

** One occured in the same issue; a Jim Anchower column [[http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/im-totally-dating-a-black-chick-16653 has him helping a driver who then gives him her number]], at which point presumably an ex of her's calls him up. It's implied to be fellow columnist Smoove B, and [[http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/girl-that-man-aint-right-for-you-16652 this column]] has his side of the story (he doesn't say Anchower's name, but the appearance is a dead giveaway).
** While [[http://www.theonion.com/infographic/fact-checking-third-presidential-debate-54475 fact checking the third presidential debate]], they claim to have already fact-checked Donald Trump's quote about the NAFTA. Indeed they previously had, while [[http://www.theonion.com/infographic/fact-checking-first-presidential-debate-54037 fact checking the first debate]]

** Alluded to in the article [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-what-world-like-now,32068/ This What World Like Now]], following the Boston Marathon blast in April 2013. The last line says it all:
--> [[PrecisionFStrike “I guess the world’s a pretty fucked-up place, huh?”]]

* DagwoodSandwich: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-american-people-lead-world-in-compressing-b,34496/ Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable]]".

* DeadAllAlong: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/alarming-mri-shows-peyton-manning-has-been-dead-fo,34555/ Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months]]
* DeadlineNews: Implied in "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/no-no-dear-god-no-mumbles-powerball-presenter-afte-56748 ‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball]]"
* DecemberDecemberRomance: "[[https://politics.theonion.com/ruth-bader-ginsburg-flirting-with-67-year-old-intern-ag-1842129352 Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again]]"

** Played straight in "[[https://www.theonion.com/juilliard-opens-business-school-for-students-who-realiz-1847423020 Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot]]"

* TheDeterminator: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onion-vows-to-carry-on-irans-nuclear-weapons-p,34682/ ‘The Onion’ Vows To Carry On Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done]]"
** ''[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/badly-injured-man-not-done-partying-yet,2437/ Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet]]''

* DirectToVideo: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/land-before-time-vi-released-straight-to-landfill,3766/ Land Before Time VI Released Straight To Landfill]]"
* DirtyCoward: "[[https://www.theonion.com/entire-u-s-police-force-flees-country-after-hearing-gu-1848981784 Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation]]"
* DirtyOldMan: Almost every article about Joe Biden portrays him this way.
* DiscriminateAndSwitch: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-wont-have-my-daughter-bringing-a-black-man-into,17246/ I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment]]"
* DisposableSexWorker: Parodied in "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4kwk5jV2nU Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable]]".

** In "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no0e-mkhhbs Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting]]", the In the Know panelists harshly criticize Joe Biden for things like sneezing, tying his shoes and blinking. By the end, they're preparing to lynch him.

** [[invoked]][[http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-still-hasnt-been-long-enough-to-open-restau,32035/ Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's]]
* DistractedByTheSexy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-finds-majority-of-male-voters-would-have-elec,18436/ Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman]]". ({{NSFW}})

** Constantly; one is "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bush_refuses_to_set_timetable_for Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/ Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack]]"

-->''"I just want to know if you still consider me appealing," she continued, "particularly to blacks, Hispanics, and women between 30 and 44."''

** "[[Film/AClockworkOrange Alex DeLarge]] [[https://www.theonion.com/alex-delarge-forced-to-step-down-as-leader-of-droogs-am-1820854092?utm_medium=sharefromsite&utm_source=The_Onion_facebook Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct]]"
* DontGoIntoTheWoods: [[http://www.theonion.com/article/report-leading-cause-death-still-venturing-beyond--52615 Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines]]. Disregarding this trope and venturing into the forest--whether by losing your way on a foggy night, [[GenreBlind looking for a shortcut despite repeated warnings not to]], or just waking up in the middle of the night and heading straight for the forest--turns out to be the leading cause of death among Americans.
-->"The report, which analyzed the nation’s mortality data from the past decade, found that wandering past the tree line and entering the shadowy depths that lie therein results in approximately 650,000 deaths each year."

* DrivesLikeCrazy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/general-motors-introduces-new-instantwin-airbags,1103/ General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags]]"

* DudeNotFunny: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/circus-train-wreck-not-funny-investigators-emphasi,21252/ Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize]]"
-->"According to officials, at least 13 circus performers have died, with dozens more suffering severe burns as a fire spread through the mile long train, eventually igniting a fuse that launched a human cannonball 200 feet above the devastating and not-at-all amusing scene."
-->"Other straight-faced sources confirmed none of the accident's sights and sounds were even remotely entertaining, from the spectacular fireworks launching every few minutes to the whimsical strains of carnival music echoing endlessly through the night as a result of smoke billowing through a steam calliope."

* DrivenToSuicide: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/bully-cant-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-38394 Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously]]", and "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/gay-conversion-therapists-claim-most-patients-full-38406 Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide ]]".

** Both types at once, in "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-public-actually-kind-of-endearing-in-some,18277/ American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/after-obama-victory-shrieking-whitehot-sphere-of-p,30284/ After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016]]"
** This has been a RunningGag about [[https://www.theonion.com/royal-baby-born-1819575291 the baby born to Prince William and Kate Middleston]].

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/swiss-guard-charge-writhing-mass-black-tentacles-d-53184 Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis]]"

** [[https://www.theonion.com/world-eating-leviathan-awoken-from-500-million-year-slu-1827928509 World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance]]
* EpicFail: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cCLJieV9IY O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica]]"
* EpicRocking: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/carrie-underwood-releases-complex-multipart-prog-r,33847/ Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock Inspired "Sunday Night Football" Theme Song.]]"
* EskimosArentReal: "[[http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/i-sometimes-wish-lawyers-existed-outside-fantastic-56179 I Sometimes Wish Lawyers Existed Outside The Fantastical World Of My Novels]]"
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/bizarre-sci-fi-novel-posits-world-where-natives-inhabit-1819575911 Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans]]"

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/jerry-sandusky-horrified-by-behavior-of-rutgers-ba,31926/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=standard-post:headline:default Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior of Rutgers Basketball Coach]]"
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jongun-comes-out-in-support-of-gay-marriage-im,31821/ Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage]]"
---> "I'm not a monster," Says North Korean Dictator
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/satan-refuses-to-accept-any-more-catholic-priests-in-he-1828696347 Satan Refuses To Accept Any More Catholic Priests In Hell]]"
** The titular cartoonist of Kelly Comics has just about every detestable right-wing view you can think of, but even he is against people who publically display the Confederate flag. He's also pro-choice, if only because he doesn't want to pay child support.
* EverybodyHasLotsOfSex: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/byu-students-protest-brandon-davies-dismissal-by-h,19679/ BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus]]"

* EverythingsDeaderWithZombies
** "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoCQO90-0zQ Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP]]"
** BrainFood: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38541 Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet]]".
** ZombieApocalypse:
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676 Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack]]".
*** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/low-voter-turnout-blamed-on-electionday-zombie-att,1102/ Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks]]".

* EvilInc: "[[https://www.theonion.com/feds-bust-massive-child-pornography-corporation-1819576431 Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation]]"
* EvilOldFolks: T. Herman Zweibel, born in ''1868'' and the editor of ''The Onion'' since 1888, is the epitome of this trope.

* ExaggeratedTrope: Many of the articles get their humor from taking a regular trope, such as the CowboyCop example above, and cranking it up full blast.

* ExistentialHorror: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJkWS4t4l0k Scientists Teach Gorilla it Will Die Someday]], as well as [[https://local.theonion.com/existentialist-firefighter-delays-3-deaths-1819571551 Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths]]. And those are just the really obvious ones.
* ExplodingBarrels: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/video-game-henchmen-plan-meetup-around-explosive-b-52778 Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels]]"

* EyeScream: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/report-it-miracle-nothing-has-punctured-your-eye-y-57027 Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet]]"

* UnexpectedSuccessor: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-remaining-politician-must-rebuild-entire-gove,18384/ Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History]]".

* ViewersAreMorons: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/microsoft-word-now-includes-squiggly-blue-line-to,19739/ Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience]]".

** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-authorities-cant-really-fault-alqaeda-for-deadl,19105/ U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship]]"
--> Following Monday's deadly terrorist attack on a Carnival Cruise Line ship, U.S. officials have had difficulty issuing a stern condemnation of the incident, saying that while any act of terrorism is inexcusable, they couldn't completely blame al-Qaeda for wanting to blow up what is essentially a giant, floating symbol of everything that is truly god-awful about America.
** "Hostage Negotiator Has To Admit Terrorist Has Good Point"
-->"Well, I don't approve of threatening the lives of over 300 innocent civilians, but I have to agree that the Turkish troops have no business being in Cyprus, the only European country occupied by a foreign army."

* WantsAPrizeForBasicDecency: "[[https://www.theonion.com/chauvin-defense-team-praises-officer-s-restraint-in-not-1846599521 Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders]]"
-->"Mr. Chauvin was under a staggering amount of stress at the time, and the fact that not everybody was gunned down in a bloodbath is just proof of his exceptional professionalism. It is clear Derek Chauvin is a highly self-disciplined man, as any average police officer would have shot the bystanders in the back the moment they turned away."
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/local-priest-takes-great-pride-in-never-having-molested-1849463319 Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone]]"
* WealthyYachtOwner: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/rising-income-inequality-causing-wealthy-americans,37652/ Rising Income Inequality Causing Wealthy Americans To Take On Second Sailboat]]"
** Also, "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/rich-guy-wins-yacht-race-620 Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race]]".
* WeCanRuleTogether: "[[https://www.theonion.com/take-your-place-by-my-side-and-we-can-rule-new-york-fo-1847466594 ‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo]]".

* WellDoneSonGuy: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-spends-day-tearfully-apologizing-at-fathers,30312/ Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave]]".
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nascar-drivers-parents-pay-for-congratulatory-mess,27401/ NASCAR Driver [Aric Almirola]'s Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son’s Car]]"

--->"The Director is a very powerful man, and while we're going to see our share of powerful people over the next few months and years, he is a bit of a special one! As Lori found out, he is used to being obeyed -- and NOT used to anyone looking directly into any of his eyes. [[spoiler:While we'll all miss Lori, this incident is a good reminder that we are in the big time now and what happened to her could happen to anybody. Speaking of which, don't be the one who spreads nasty office gossip. [[NothingIsScarier I heard the same things you've heard, but I choose to believe she was just fired. Are we clear on that?]]]]"
** "[[https://local.theonion.com/car-ride-devoted-to-explaining-what-things-will-be-diff-1834673027 Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit]]", has Wendy Gritton telling her children that their grandmother's health has been declining. [[TheEndingChangesEverything It ends with]] "At press time, Gritton and her kids had finally arrived [[spoiler:at their grandmother’s funeral]]."

* WhatDoYouMeanItsNotDidactic: InUniverse

** RealLife example: An article was used for the 2005 English Language and Composition Advanced Placement exam...meaning that there was actually something to analyze in that article.
* WhatDoesSheSeeInHim: "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/relationship-experts-still-no-closer-to-discovering-wha-1834898222 Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost]]"

* WhereAreTheyNowEpilogue: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/huffington-post-completes-63-million-page-where-ar,31025/ Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever]]"

* WholePlotReference: Apple iPhone fever as ''Literature/TheEmperorsNewClothes'' in "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/apple_claims_new_iphone_only Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers]]".
** A combination of ''WesternAnimation/{{Aladdin}}'', ''WesternAnimation/TheLittleMermaid1989'' and ''WesternAnimation/{{Pocahontas}}'': "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/lovestruck-arabian-princess-begs-father-to-spare-j,38439/ Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life]]".

* WildTeenParty: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-lowers-drinking-age-to-17-just-for-jennys,2533/ Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party]]"
* WishingForMoreWishes: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2OObOM3R_U Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes]]"

* TheWoobie: InUniverse, "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/awkward-new-international-student-saw-his-entire-f,33589/ Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo]]"

* TheWormGuy: "[[https://youtu.be/qXD9HnrNrvk Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters]]"

* YouCantFightFate: Most of the [[http://www.theonion.com/features/horoscope/ horoscope entries]], although [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-january-18-2011,18855/ this list's Scorpio]] is probably the most blunt example.

--> Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.

* YouNoTakeCandle

--> ''2) Creator/{{Fox News|Channel}} - The tagline "Creator/{{FoxNews|Channel}}" makes me cringe. Please do not subject me to this biased news station.'' '''I would almost rather you print off an article from Website/TheOnion.'''

* TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers: "[[https://www.theonion.com/ask-the-minutes-from-a-heated-kiwanis-club-meeting-1819583825 Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting]]" has the motions. All but one of them are either standard business or related to the ongoing disciplinary action against Bill Jarvis... but the last one is whether to make Roger Lambert stop punching Jarvis.

* ForScience: In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJkWS4t4l0k "Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday"]], a team of primatologists successfully teaches a gorilla named Quigley that death is inevitable. Quigley experiences an existential crisis and becomes depressed; the scientists are quite proud of the result.

* HeroesWantRedHeads: "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33324 I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex]]".

* FunHatingConfiscatingAdult: One column has Senator Tom Delay losing his temper with a group of teenagers playing frisbee on the Capitol lawn. Said frisbee flies through the window and disrupts an important meeting. Delay tells the teenagers that he's keeping the frisbee and that they can't do anything about this because he is very politically powerful. When he turns away from the window, a hacky sack flies into the room and hits him on the head. Delay tells the teenagers that the joke's on them because he won't return their hacky sack either.

* ScrewPolitenessImASenior: Deconstructed in "[[https://www.theonion.com/114-year-old-attributes-longevity-to-sheer-random-chanc-1819563850 114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance]]". While the article keeps using words like 'feisty', 'bouncy', 'chipper', and 'peppy' to [[CoolOldLady paint Mrs. McCreeley's attitude in a more positive light]], Hazel herself is extremely bitter and nihilistic about her contined existence, including the decline of her body and the many children she's outlived, and can only express herself properly during the brief moments of lucidity her brain allows; the mayor of Milford goes on record as wishing she'd just hurry up and die, and her own hope for her 115th birthday is "to be rotting in a coffin".

* TailorMadePrison: "[[http://www.theonion.com/article/prisoners-rights-group-protests-treatment-of-super-36285 Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes]]"

* OverlyNarrowSuperlative: According to "[[http://www.theonion.com/infographic/best-sports-stadiums-56124 Best Sports Stadiums]]", "[[UsefulNotes/CollegiateAmericanFootballPower5Conferences Michigan Stadium]] has been selected by ''The Saginaw News'' as the best 100,000-plus-seat venue in Washtenaw County for 13 consecutive years."

* OverlyNarrowSuperlative: According to "[[http://www.theonion.com/infographic/best-sports-stadiums-56124 Best Sports Stadiums]]", "[[UsefulNotes/UniversityOfMichigan Michigan Stadium]] has been selected by ''The Saginaw News'' as the best 100,000-plus-seat venue in Washtenaw County for 13 consecutive years."