Funny / The Onion

• Anything with their depiction of "Diamond" Joe Biden: a weed-smoking, chick-laying, Pontiac-driving Cool Old Guy who's always scheming or getting in trouble. Here's a list of all their articles on him. They've even released a Kindle-exclusive autobiography of his persona called The President of Vice, which uses the articles and photos as the cornerstone for a larger, even more hilarious story.
• Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a James Bond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. Here's a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".
• Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now
  Romney then produced a harmonica from his hip pocket and played a stirring, lonesome melody.
• "Syria Conflict Intensifies as Bears Enter War", in a Black Comedy kind of way.
• Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study
• I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons
• 8 Unlikely Animal Friendships
  "This eel has been this shrimp's AA sponsor for 3 years."
  • It doubles as a Heartwarming Moment.
• Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City
• While just about all of their movie reviews are funny, their review of 12 Years a Slave is just hysterical.
• Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility Upon West
• Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?
• 51 Blank Slides. Doubles as a Take That, Audience! at the end.
• Default Gun Laws Passed This Year, especially the final three.
• Peter K. Rosenthal:
  • His review of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.
  • His review of Fifty Shades of Grey
  • His review of Good Will Hunting, which he praises for having everything a film needs: a story arc, cinematography, supporting characters, music, and credits. He never actually says if any of them are good or bad, just that the movie sure does have them. He then describes the plot of the film... or rather, the basic outline of the plot of most films, such as saying it takes place in "a setting". The only details he gives that are actually specific to the film are that it is called "Good Will Hunting", and it was released in 1997.
  Peter Rosenthal: Simply put, the elements of a movie are all present in this film.
• In 2010, the Seattle Seahawks became the first losing team to make the playoffs in a non-strike-shortened season. They played the defending champion New Orleans Saints in the first round. The Onion gave us "New Orleans Saints Given First-Round Bye." Then the Saints lost, leading to the headline "New Orleans Saints Lose First-Round Bye."
• This article takes a random turn mid-way through and asks whether or not the subjects want to have a three-way with the reporter.
• This video detailing a reporter and the horrors he witnessed while undercover in a despotic country...which falls a little flat because of who he went undercover as.
• James Harden Credits His NBA Success To Sage Advice From Fiddler Crab Living Deep Inside Beard. Funny enough, but the fact that an arthropod living in a man's beard is an Unusually Uninteresting Sight is hilarious.
• 'You Are All Inside Amazon's Second Headquarters', Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation
• The kicker quote for "Area Man Has Complete Prison Survival Strategy Guide Mapped Out".
  "The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is having his creamy white ass churned into butter."
• Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People.
• "Human Head Found In Hamburger"
• "'Roseanne' Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character's Disappearance"
• "'You'll Never Take Me Alive!' Shouts [Rudy] Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories"
  • "'They Can't Arrest Both Of Us,' Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu"
• In relation to Donald Trump:
  • "Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting 'Lock Him Up' At Melania"
  • "'Oh Jesus, Now What?' Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today"
  • "Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial"
  • "'Again, Again, Again!' Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video"
  • "Trump Cancels White House Subscription To 'Highlights' Over Anti-Goofus Bias"
  • "Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert Prager"
• "Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport."
  Employee: If there is a problem, fill out complaint form and send in an envelope addressed to the hospital in which you were born!
• "Unemployment rise linked to one guy with 42 000 jobs" ends with the punchline that the aforementioned man also works as a cameraman in the Onion's studio.
• "Field Trip Mishap Fulfills Child's Wish To Be Oscar Mayer Wiener", over a photo of an Oscar Mayer packing plant. There's no article to go with the headline, but, really, why would you even need one?
• From the final episode of Dr. Good, the Perfect Human finally awakens and slaughters the entire audience, to Dr. Tanas' joy.
  Tanas: A LIVING TESTAMENT TO GOD'S FALABILITY!
• South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North. Mundane Made Awesome at its finest.
• "Eight-Year-Old Obviously Packed Own Lunch."
• "Trophy Wife Mounted."
• "Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla" If the headline doesn't destroy you, the article will.
• "Roadkill Squirrel Remembered As Frantic, Indecisive."
• "Overhydrated Terrier Proud Owner Of Five City Blocks."
• "Bicycle Helmet Protects Child From Helmet-Inspired Beating."
• "New Dog Digs Up Old Dog."
• "Tank Rolls By Living Room Window."
• "Conservative Man Proudly Frightened of Everything."
• Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas include pesticide and children's toy factory owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks who moves states and change his name every three months for reasons he refuses to elaborate on.
• Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine ranging from Bruce Willis attempting to find Ukraine on a globe daily to Jared Leto offering his personal stockpile of nuclear warheads to Zelensky.
• On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different things, including voting 5-4 to "Throw Beer Bottle At Slut", to "Lock Nation's Toddlers In Hot Cars", and to "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night".
• When it was still a physical newspaper, The Onion did obituaries for a while. One was for a lab rat who "heroically" tolerated twice the lethal amount of a test chemical for longer than normal. Another was for a woman, which simply read "exploded."
• "Man Didn't Go To Doctor For Lecture About What Should And Should Not Go In Ass"

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