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The Review Must Go On
- The shift from a Demo Reel video to a Doug Walker video (explained In-Universe as writer's block) is scary... but as soon as he receives a copy of the subject of his upcoming review, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, it gets hilarious the exact moment we see Doug's face after the movie. The subsequent Freak Out only adds to it, as we get a taste of the good ol' Nostalgia Critic review jokes, such as pointing out the parents being horrible people, the ridiculous premise, calling the main character "their tomato child" or "Jesus child", and wondering why the parents didn't just adopt an orphan.
- Complaining to the delivery company when he first gets the movie.
Doug: Plant it in the back yard and see if a real movie grows? Screw you!
- The phone call between Doug and Lewis about the movie.
Oh, Doug, why
It doesn't matter! Lewis:
I think it does
- Linkara saying that Pollo and Harvey are real, then having a conversation with the Pollo prop.
Lewis: Oh, hey, uh, Pollo and Harvey say "Hi" too.
Doug: [suddenly looking very concerned] Lewis? Buddy? Are you convinced that the characters from your show are real people?
Lewis: Doug, of course not! I'm not deranged! [chuckles] It's just Pollo and Harvey that are real! [Doug hangs up] So, Pollo, what are your thoughts on the subject?
Lewis: Yeah, and what's that?
Lewis: [laughs hysterically]
- The Critic's haunting voice inside Doug's head, pleading him into bring his show back. ... which gets interrupted by Peewee Herman.
- Donnie's reaction to asking The Writer who he really is — "Oh my god...you son of a bitch!" There's the Critic again!
- The argument between Todd in the Shadows and the Critic during one of Todd's reviews. Including the bit where Critic calls Todd "Alfred Hitchcock". Also, "Hamburglar."
- Lindsay's incredibly blunt "no" when Doug asks her if he should bring back the Critic.
Doug: Hey, Brad. I'm having a debate on whether or not to bring the Nostalgia Critic back.
Brad: (cheerfully) Oh, well, (laughs) I don't care. (hangs up)
- Nella struggling to get her Smart Car out of its parking space, then just randomly peels off, only to threaten Rob instead of Doug.
- So Donnie/The Critic can retake his job, someone else had to fill the Plot Hole. They put Douchey in there. What's even funnier is the build-up. Donnie asks who will give up their life to take his place pointing out inconsistencies and mistakes in the universe. The Plot Hole replies that the person chosen has no life and loves pointing out screw-ups.
Douchey McNitpick: There's a mistake! There's a mistake! There's a mistake!! OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE WORST JOB EVER!!
- The Ending. The Nostalgia Critic takes his seat. Meanwhile, Nella sits down next to NChick.
: The deed is done. [NChick gives her a disbelieving glare and shows her handheld media device] The Nostalgia Critic
: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I'm back to remember it so you don't have to. Nella
: Oh. Oh!
You meant for me to— [NChick looks away]
Oh, uh, [nervous laugh as NChick begins guzzling wine straight from the bottle]
That's really funny, uh, [nervous laugh]
I'm going to be somewhere that's not here. [Exits post-haste]
- "Hey, did you ever Google 'do a barrel roll'? It's really cool."
- The stinger with Lewis.
Pollo, that was a very off-color joke you said!. Don't you agree, cybermats? [cut to the cybermats]
I thought so. Astro Megaship: [voice clearly heard]
Well, I think that— Lewis:
Nobody cares what you think, Astro Megaship!
- Also the other stinger after the Channel Awesome Vanity Plate with Creator/Brad Jones.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
- This movie was a part of his February "Month of Love," using Timothy Green to "explore the love one gives to a child." Then a picture of the NAMBLA logo flashes onscreen.
"No, and your Jacuzzi of barbed wire in hell is waiting for you."
- The introduction of the review itself: In a charming voice, the Nostalgia Critic asks why people consider the movie to be terrible. One viewing later, his hands are covered in blood:
- On a particularly subtle note, the "Gloria" is sampled from The Exorcist III, previously featured in his Top 11 Scariest Performances video. The full translated verse is "Glory to Satan."
- As another bonus, the Critic barely changes his voice and doesn't even miss a second between cleanly wondering why people hate the movie and tossing out an understated apology with blood on his hands. The shock between the two really helps sell the scene.
- The skit showing how the "We had so much to say but we wrote none of it" excuse would also fail with school assignments. Doug's "cool teen" mannerisms are priceless.
- The List of "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit". Don't worry, it will get longer.
- Sister Bitch
- Jerk-Ass Grandpa
- That Guy from Office Space
- Bossy Whore
- What the Critic believes the Adoption Clerk is writing down while hearing this story. Complete with the Looney Tunes theme: "INSANE!" in big bold letters surrounded by other words like "crazy", "make it stop", "names in a box?", "grew child?", "leaves? scissors?", "are we being punked?", "we are being punked", "call 911", and "wtf?" all filling up the page. There's also a note saying "Dinner with Melissa @ 8:00."
- The "parents finishing each others sentences" skit with the parents' story devolving into an embarrassment for the father. And THAT DRAWING just drove it home!
Dad: It didn't matter where he came from...
Mom: He was ours.
Dad: We were his.
Mom: We were a family.
Dad: It was the greatest day since...
Mom: He had discovered Viagra.
Dad: ... T-That... Wasn't... What...
Mom: A penis should look like. Until he started taking it.
Dad: Maybe if you'd let me finish...
Mom: He would say all the time, but nothing ever came out!
Dad: I don't think we should talk about this...
Mom: Without visuals! [takes out a drawing of her and her husband in bed, her with a disgusted face and him crying his eyes out with a frowny face where his crotch is]
Dad: JESUS CHRIST!
Mom: He would cry every night until I showed him the online ads!
Dad: Damnit, honey. This is already hard enough!
Mom: Was the name of the brand we got.
Dad: T-this is...
Mom: Why we can't have children.
Dad: ... Can we just go back to talking about the child that we grew in the backyard? I think we were winning her over much better with that. Right?
Adoption lady: ...
Dad: What's with the straight face?
- When Timothy is distracted by prepubescent lust upon seeing an attractive girl while standing on a diving board, the Critic suspects he's thinking, "I think one of my stems is beginning to grow!"
- Subsequently, when the girl is discovering Timothy's secret. Timothy accidentally kicks her in the face, as the Critic dubs in, "Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!" and a pow is dubbed in.
Critic: You saw it right folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer. [replays the kick] Geesh, kid, when they said "fight your own battles," they didn't mean underwater flash kicks!
[plays the kick once more, now with a Bruce Lee kung-fu scream dubbed in]
- Timothy gets signed up for soccer class, "even though he has no talent in the sport and doesn't really have much interest. Even rappers (the coach being played by Lonnie "Common" Lynn) who are looking to tell their wives, 'There, I did a damn kids movie!' agree."
- Subsequently, in response to the Greens' excuse that Timmy should be on the team (that he could make some friends), the coach says, "Coach Cal doesn't see it."
Critic: [arms folded like Coach Cal] Coach Cal likes speaking in the third person
. Coach Cal thinks if an old, crusty white man like Bob Dole can do it, Coach Cal can, too. [cut to tryouts]
But Coach Cal signs him up anyway because...[and Timmy falls before he can kick the ball]
....Coach Cal likes losing?"
- The skit showing a kid's reaction to finally being adopted, only for the parents to back out at the last second due to a child growing out of their garden.
: [voice suddenly goes from a high-pitched childlike voice to a deep manly voice] Man, fuck this shit
, I'm 18 and I still
haven't been adopted yet. [storms out]
- Hey, mom and dad. Or should I say, Lisa and Bob? Are you depressed that you can't have a child of your own? Are you sad that the miracle of childbirth will never take place in your life? Do you find it unbearable that you will never know the gift of creation, the growth of the young, or the unconditional love any human being could ever give to you as long as you live? Are you tired of your shriveled up wo-
- Well, cry no more! Cause we've invented Chia Child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!)The instructions are very simple: Just write down exactly what you'd like your Chia Child to be like, place it in the Chia Child box, bury it in the backyard, just add God*, and Chia Child is yours.
Lisa: I always wanted a girl with no imperfections at all. Just like a real child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!)
Bob: I always dreamed of a little someone that I could project my insecurities onto, and that seems to have arrived.
Girl: Look, I drew a picture (showing a picture of an old man with "YOU SUCK!!" under it) about how much you hate grandfather because he didn't raise you right.
Bob: And now I get to pass down that hatred to you. (Ch-ch-ch-child!)
- Chia Child will last up to three months, or until you feel the emotional and symbolic justification of what it means to be a family.
Lisa: I'll admit. At first, (the family's now playing Mario Kart with the parents using Gamecube controllers and the child using a Wii steering wheel) we didn't think we'd be very good parents.
Bob: But Chia Child seems to be calm and pleasant no matter what mistakes we make. (seems the girl won as Lisa throws her controller down, then takes the Wii wheel)
Lisa: So now we don't have to worry about any of that pesky moral responsibility.
- Chia Child simply combines these natural elements (Treebeard, Poison Ivy, and Captain Howdy) to give you that loveable family that you've seen in most Sears catalogues. And, when Chia Child has worn out her usefulness, just bury her in the backyard and make another one.
Bob: I'm so glad that something like Chia Child exists.
Lisa: Yeah. I mean, do you know how long it takes to adopt a child? Eighteen months. Hell, I can get a gun in a week. [she then brings up a pistol behind Bob's head, cocking it] Now make me a sandwich.
Bob: Man, we're nuts!
- Chia Child. The child that grows when your parenting blows! Available in Daughter Lily and Son Flower.
- *Copyrighted by the Life of the World to Come, Amen
- In the movie, Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton decide that they would make other, different mistakes in order to become better parents, to which the Critic replies...
"So... your argument is, you fucked up, you're glad you fucked up, and you will continue to fuck up in new and spectacular ways?"
- He then sits there briefly in uncomfortable silence before exploding: "NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Complete with the word on a tye-dye background, brought in and taken out with the sound of shattering glass. What also sells it is that his hand pops up after the background does & wiggles around during the second one.
YOU MAKE MISTAKES SO YOU CAN LEARN
FROM THEM! NOT
SO YOU CAN MAKE MORE MISTAKES!
ARE YOU FUCKING
- The Critic's reaction to when the wife lost her job.
- The Critic's attempt at easing their fear about FBI agents going after Timothy just like they did E.T. by mentioning they use walkie-talkies now. But then he remembers they changed back to guns for the DVD and Blu-Ray release, and tells Timothy to run away.
- During the soccer game scene, when Timothy takes in the sunlight to improve his skills, we are treated to the theme music of "Popeye the Sailor Man".
- After all's said and done, the Critic's parting words to us?
- The Running Gag where the Critic desperately wants the movie to somehow bring itself back to pencils, simply because of this description from the beginning:
Critic: Oh, and I'm not kidding. They really want you to remember that Stanleyville is the Pencil Capital of the World. They show countless footage of pencils being made, they have a soccer team called the Erasers, Edgerton works for a pencil factory, Garner is a tour guide in a museum dedicated to pencils. By the time the movie is over, you wanna eat the goddamn things. But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden.
- Timmy proposes making a new kind of pencil:
Critic: Didn't you hear? [he holds out his right hand as a pencil appears in a holy light with an angelic choir] The pencil is already perfect! To redesign it would be to redesign Avalon!
Is Twilight the WORST Thing Ever?
Does Romeo and Juliet Suck?
- The face he makes when finishing the Month of Love.
Son of the Mask
- Where does the Devil reside? H. E. Double-hockey-stick, of course.
- Rachel as Evilina, the daughter of Kim Kardashian and the Devil, sullying her dad's status as the highest evil with her colorful attire and singing of the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic theme.
- Not to mention her later scene with CR where they discuss who's the cutest pony.
- Speaking of which, the Devil then drags Evilina with him, proclaiming that he'll let her see an "evil worse than Hasbro!"
- Also, the Devil's attempts to get his minions to fear Evilina, only to get laughed at.
- Kim trying to cut an apple with a pizza slicer.
- The reveal of where in the human realm Kim sent the DVD of Son of the Mask so that no one would find it: a garbage can in Illinois.
Critic: [by trashcan, holding the DVD] Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing.
- The Critic mentioning the Mask II Nintendo Power contest.
- The Critic's response to the audience wanting him to suffer through this movie? Invoking Taking You with Me.
- Leading into the musical scene is this:
So Jamie works at an animation studio which happens to be hosting a Halloween party. Seeing how his costume got ruined, he grabs the Mask his dog found and I'll give you one sanity tormenting guess what happens. [a leg stretches out from the door before Tim comes in, face all green and hair looking more like wood than hair] Critic:
Oh my God
! It's like they made DNA syrup out of the Jolly Green Giant and Conan O'Brien!
- The Critic's phone call to Vanilla Ice after the awful musical scene. At first, he resists but he finally does gives in when he can't stand it anymore.
Vanilla Ice: Hello, this is Vanilla Ice.
Critic: [in despair] SAVE THIS MOVIE!!!
- The Critic's screams of utter horror at the Nightmare Fuel-inducing imagery, particularly when the baby copies his mother and blows his head up into a CGI balloon. He screams in such a high-pitch tone so long it lasts through the commercial break!
- What makes it especially funny is his facial expression; he's all totally normal until the imagery appears. Then his eyes bug out, and...
Satan: (hearing the screaming, then grinning) That's my music! My movie's been found!
- When he finally collects himself, the next scene is Loki looking for the baby in the form of a CGI green-colored bee... which he likens to being what would happen if the Statue of Liberty sneezed out the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.
AAAAAAAAAAAAA- [slap] Okay, we're getting through this!
- Tim Avery tries to feed the baby a shattered lamp thinking it's a milk bottle:
Critic: Aww, isn't that cute? He almost fed him broken glass, a common everyday mistake of your everyday likeable hero. Or, even better, when the wife has to go out of town for a week for her job, the unbelievably "likeable" way he takes responsibility for his child.
[cut to Jamie's character watching his wife getting in a taxicab]
Tim Avery: Honey, take him.
Tonya Avery: Bye! I love you!
Tim Avery: Take him. Honey, take him.
Critic (as Tim Avery): Oh, I'm too busy being Zach Braff's unfunny clone! [normal voice] But, to be fair, it's not always easy looking after a demonic version of the E*Trade baby.
[Alvey jumps out of the playpen and then begins doing Michigan J. Frog's "Hello, My Baby" routine. NC just looks on with confusion and disgust; the routine also makes Tim fall off his chair]
Critic: Okay, let me tell you in great detail why this scene isn't funny. You see...[Alvey then shakes his face and whoops at Tim before his head turns to Woody Woodpecker doing his laugh, then jumping in the air and making another cartoon face before running around the room on the wall; each transition scares Critic, the last one making him scream longer]
Critic: Okay, seriously! What is with the imagery in this movie?! It's fucking terrifying!! I mean, I forget; is this the sixth or seventh level of Hell?! I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there! He couldn't have forgotten something as horrifying as this!!
- The Running Gag where the tagline "Son of the Mask: A FAMILY Picture!" appears over freeze-frames from every disgusting or disturbing scene.
- When the Critic wonders if Odin lives in remarkably awkward segues, we cut to a clip from Austin Powers, and then Odin pops out and yells his son's name again, scaring the Critic.
- The parodies of The Lord of the Rings, with Santa Christ as Gandalf (first the scene where Gandalf reveals the Ring, then the You Shall Not Pass! sequence).
- One sequence of note: he tosses the DVD into the fire, and picks it up for the Critic to take with his bare hands. Cut to the poor Critic getting a drink with bandages wrapped around his hands, and giving Santa Christ a look like he's gonna beat him to a pulp.
- More Nightmare Fuel images: Loki transforming a woman's head into a giant nose, then appears disguised as the wife, and then transposing his face on the baby's. The Critic compares the last one to the Schwarzenegger baby in Junior, saying it would be worse if they were put back to back. Promptly...
- Just the over-the-top way the Critic takes his medication: he opens the pill bottle, spills its contents onto his desk, then plunges after them head-first.
- After seeing Loki as a girl scout, the Critic rips out the DVD, throws it in the trash and hides in the closet, only for the DVD to reappear on the floor while a demonic voice whispers "Jamie Kennedy" over and over.
- Santa Christ has never performed an exorcism before, only choosing that moment to admit that to the Critic.
- The whole casual exchange between Satan and Santa Christ, while the Critic is still frozen with shock.
Santa Christ: So, still trying to take over the world with that little Twitter invention of yours?
Satan: Hey, tell me it's not making people dumber. Tell me it's not making them easier to conquer.
Santa Christ: Well, everything seems to be in order here. Give my best to the missus.
Satan: Why? I never do.
[They both laugh]
- The Critic imagines Jamie Kennedy's character trying to talk to Loki from The Avengers down, only to get beaten up by The Hulk.
- "If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me! If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me!"
- The bit about a cartoon revolving around a baby and a dog competing for a father's attention:
- The Critic once again shows his distaste for the overuse of the wide-angle lens and extreme close-ups. His voice and expression are what sell it.
- When the Critic tries to get Santa Christ to take the DVD away:
Critic: [sighs] Why don't you take it?
Santa Christ: No.
Critic: I really want you to take it.
Santa Christ: No.
Critic: Please take it.
Santa Christ: There is absolutely no way I am going to touch that thing with a ten-foot pole. [they talk over one another until Santa Christ grabs the Critic by the tie] Don't tempt me, Critic!!! Understand, Critic, if you gave me this DVD, through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.
Critic: Wow, because it's so evil it would totally consume you?
Santa Christ: No, it would just be really fun to use indiscriminately!
Critic: Ya know, you've got a bit of a dark side.
- When Critic is Wangsting about having to watch the movie, Santa Christ tries to comfort him...with little success.
I wish this piece of shit had never come to me. Santa Christ:
So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. You were meant to find the DVD, and therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on Earth could match. That is a very encouraging thought. [beat] Critic:
No! That's not a very encouraging thought! In fact, that's about as far away from an encouraging thought as an encouraging thought can get! Santa Christ:
Well, that's all I got. Here, have Gremlins
! [Santa Christ gives the Critic a DVD copy of
Gremlins and then leaves] Critic:
Thanks! Thanks a lot! Let me know if you want to quote more Lord of the Rings
sometime! [puts down
Why was he here?
- "Why are you making me think about a baby with three penises?! What twisted pigshit does that?!"
- The Critic is turned off by the bad animation effects in the movie, such as when the dog is trying to kill off the baby, with no success:
The effects when the dog is trying to get rid of the baby and the baby so "cleverly" outwits him is some of the worst animation you'll ever see. I mean, worse than Baby Geniuses
. I know I can't take that back, but I'm standing by my words: it looks worse than Baby Geniuses
- Moments later, as the bad animation continues...
The Monty Python
cartoons look more three-dimensional! And Lord knows this could benefit from some British nudity!
The King And I
- After explaining the many historically inaccurate adapations of Anna Leonowens' story, he hopes the animated version will be different. Cue the first scene having a dragon; in response he throws and shoots his copy of The King of Siam Speaks.
Critic: [nonchalantly, as he's being showered with loose papers] This is The King and I.
- His Take That! against all the people complaining about the color of the background wall, especially when he starts changing the background with the fans nitpicking each and every one of them.
'Critic: It's like people focusing on the color of the wall more than than person right in front of it! [beat, "Dance of the Hours" starts playing and the critic pulls up a screen of comments regarding said wall]
- When switching back to the yellow wall he originally used, the audience mutters about how shameless it was, so he tries to find another background. The backgrounds shown include Angry Joe's spaceship, popcorn, Linkara's futon, SpongeBob's neighborhood, and Phelous' room.
- And the one that finally satisfies the nit-pickers... the white wall they complained about in the first place.
- There's also his Running Gag of "You heard right!" where he pulls down a sign that says the phrase every time he explains something ridiculous that happens in the movie.
- On counting the numerous "funny sidekicks" in the movie, the Critic says he'd like to address a certain Elephant in the Living Room, but it turns out that's also one of the "funny sidekicks".
- The entire skit with the references to animated films based on historical events and fairy tales.
So let us begin with the history of Thailand culture. King:
Thailand culture come from big dragon! Big dragon decide who live and who die. And those left created Thailand. Anna: [turns pages on her history book]
Alright, um, why don't we come back to Thailand history? Let's instead look at American history. King:
Ah, American history. John Smith saved by full grown Indian princess
! They have romance, and talk to singing tree. Anna: [turns pages on her book again]
Alright, we'll come back to that too. What do you know about Russian history? King:
...was an evil wizard with a talking bat,
who cast spells on another pretty princess. Pretty princesses make up most
of world history! Anna:
You know? [puts down the history book and begins reading a storybook]
Let's take a break and I'll read to you from some Englishnote
Literature, like The Little Mermaid who sacrifices her life, and... King: She lives in the end
Okay. [closes books and gives up]
- Russell Crowe singing The King and I... In the snoring/shouting style in which he sung Les Misérables.
- "DDDRRRAGGONS!! I can make DRAGONS!! GIVEMEALLYOURSHIT!!!"
- The ending has him claim that he won't cash in on old musicals before signing off. As he leaves, The Harlem Shake (by Baauer) begins to play, and three masked people appear after the beat drops. The Critic shoots all of them and tells everyone it was never funny.
- "You're an IDIOT, Kralahome! You need to up your gaaaaame!"
- The Critic pointing out that the imaginary person Anna dances with resembles a Jedi ghost, and playing Obi-Wan Kenobi's "You must go to the Dagobah system" line.
- [As Kralahome looks at Anna through his gong] "Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the loosest adaptation of all?"
- The Critic playing Where There's a Whip, There's a Way over a scene of the king (almost) whipping a servant girl. Only done as both movies were made by Rankin/Bass Productions. And then he starts boogieing along with it.
- The Critic and his friends, as sailors in the Navy, attempt to use the same strategy to defeat a dragon that Anna used (singing, whistling and dancing). It doesn't work.
- The Critic making fun of the villain's powers being easily defeated by using Godzilla, Rodan and the Martians to prove his point. (Godzilla is defeated by someone sneezing softly, Rodan is defeated by someone eating a Mentos and the Martians... are defeated by bacteria!).
- "I just got a random letter; let's destroy a nation!!"
- The Critic playing "I'm Super" in the background as Kralahome twirls and dances around when it seems that the King has been killed. And then, when the villain has been caught:
- The King's saying "WHOWHOWHO?!"; the Critic follows this with a Daffy Duck clip.
- "Why'd you say Burma?" "I panicked."
- Kralahome is apparently so evil, that rats jump out of his shadow. No, it's not the Critic photoshopping, it actually happens in the movie.
Critic: Isn't that one of the missing lyrics for the Grinch? [sings] You're a mean one, Kralahome. You have rats in your shadoo~w!
- Referring to the King's children as "his penis's resume".
- Malcolm as the Eartha Kitt Catwoman, for starters. Especially his outrageously huge Gag Boobs and a voice like Edna Mode (who was also voiced by a guy).
- "Aren't you dead?"
- In terms of mannerisms and speech-patterns, Malcolm does a fabulous Eartha Kitt impression!
- The therapist reminds Sean Young Catwoman about the time she ambushed Tim Burton in costume to try and convince him to give her the role, and then looks at the camera and gives a "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer.
- The Catwomen leave their therapist tied up to a chair as a tiger is on the other side of a door, preparing to eat him. Once they leave, the cliffhanger announcer asks, "How will the Counselor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline? [The counselor just slips his ropes and stands up, while the announcer continues] Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? Will his body be gnawed at until the gnawer can gnaw no more? [The counselor is now leaving the office] Will he be next week's kitty litter? Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? [The counselor gets in his car] Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? [The counselor is now driving down the road] Can the counselor stand being part of a gr-r-r-r-reat balanced breakfast? [Now he's in a McDonald's eating a Big Mac] Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat... site!"
- The Critic's description of just how bad Catwoman (2004) is:
This film not only tops a lot of "worst comic book films of all time" lists, but it also tops a lot of "worst films of all time, period
" lists. And you can definitely see why: It is a special
kind of "bad". The kind of bad that the main characters from The Producers
would put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme
. [juxtaposes a shot of Max and Leo standing in front of a Catwoman poster]
Yeah... that bad!
- Catwoman goes to a bar and orders a White Russian with no ice, vodka, or Kahlua.note
- When we are introduced to Hedare Beauty:
But we'll of course get back to that later as we see the EVIL corporation our main character works for: make-up! But they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company, the wife played by Sharon Stone
, are stepping down from being its spokespeople because... they just fucking look evil! [cue the scene where George and Laurel are announcing their resignation, and laughing somewhat ominously] Critic:
Okay, quick word of advice to anyone joining a large corporation: If your bosses laugh like this, [demonstrates some evil laughs]
EVIL! Or how about if your performance creates the unforgivable sin of making Rupert Everett look subtle? [cut to scene where George is criticizing Halle Berry's designs] George: [holding Patience's latest design]
This isn't even close to what I wanted. Patience:
I know I can fix it. George:
I do not reward incompetence. I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe. Critic (as George): [using a posh voice]
"You totally put me off my 'dick in caviar' party!" [beat]
"I bet you didn't even know we threw those, did you?"
- The cop trying to talk down Halle Berry when it seems she is going to jump off a building (though in reality, it's because she's trying to rescue the neighbor's cat who has impossibly placed herself in a dangerous situation that will cause others to try to save her instead of doing something sensible like calling the fire department):
I know! You read the reviews to The Call
! I'd be depressed too!
- The book "How to Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough: The whole sequence of Critic trying to find the book, in which he shoves aside things such as a Sex and the City trivia game, a Beetlejuice lunch box, and a 100 Rainy Day Activities book.
- After a line where the cop/love interest to Halle Berry's character comments on how her work is "elegant and whimsical," the Critic jokingly states that more cops should behave like that.
Malcolm!Chief: Alright men, we're gonna take this drug lord down the old fashioned way.
Random Officer: What's the old fashioned way?
Malcolm!Chief: Elegant and whimsical.
[all of the officers go "Ahh"]
Peterson: Yes sir?
Malcolm!Chief: I want you to be especially enchanting and pleasant!
Peterson: You got it, sir.
Malcolm!Chief: We're gonna break into this bastard's home, kick down his door, and introduce him to a world of wonder, and merriment!
[all of the officers cheer]
Malcolm!Chief: Now, (picks up a pink feather boa and wraps it around himself) ready your boas.
- Sharon Stone's character is described as a cross between Cruella De Vil and Jane Lynch.
- The Critic's dumbfounded reaction to how the cop/love interest can't put 2 + 2 together that Patience and Catwoman are the same person in spite of the all the blatantly obvious evidence... such as them having the exact same style of handwriting!
- Or when he actually sees Catwoman in action, where, really miraculously, he still can't figure out that it's the same person! He tries to catch her and pull off her mask, only for her to escape at the last second:
Critic (as cop/love interest):
Oh, well, better luck next time! I'm off on a date with my catlike girlfriend. It's good to get away from that criminal I'm chasing and be hooked up with a completely different person... who hates the rain like a cat, eats sushi like a cat... (gets frustrated)
She even makes purring sounds while having sex with you, (almost breaks down, sobbing)
'cause guess what, you fucking moron, she's a goddamn ca-a-a-at! (groans)
Can you just promise me that there's a little blond-haired niece going around actually solving the crime for him
? It wouldn't be any more far-fetched than the rest of this movie, and by God, I just gotta have some hope in humanity.
- And the embarrassingly complicated way he finds out: a DNA test of her lipstick mark. The Critic compares this to:
Hey, genius, don't tell anyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these guys... [a picture of Grimace, Birdie, and the Hamburglar is shown] Critic:
... is stealing burgers. I haven't figured out which but shh, shh, shh, we'll find the culprit.
- The Catwomen using Eartha Kitt as a battering ram. Even better, they're mashing her chest against the door. And it works!
- Sean Young summons a freaking sand worm to try and attack the Critic... only for it to simply burrow away. Which leads to this reaction:
- Also, as Sean Young rides the sand worm, she yells, "I am the Kwisatz Haderach Give-A-Dog-A-Bone!"
- The Critic's reaction to the "payoff" of the contrast that had been building up between Patience's old, meek self, and her new, more confident Catwoman self:
YEAH! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! WHOO!!
- "Catwomen can never resist a romantic dance sequence." The Critic offers his hand to three of the Catwomen (sans Sean Young, who disappeared while riding the sand worm). Gilligan Cut to the Critic grudgingly dancing with the three of them and continues the review in that position. Somehow, he manages to escape without them noticing.
Eartha: Mmm, you dance so well.
Michelle: Yes, and since I'm so complex, it feels like I'm dancing with more than one person.
Anne: Actually, it feels like a little less than before.
(the Catwomen notice the Critic is missing)
- The Critic tells the Catwomen that they are suffering from Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome.
: That's right, you all have CRAHBS
- Even better, one of the Catwomen responds with "That explains that itching feeling inside..."
- When the Catwomen ask Critic what can be done with a bunch of attractive women wearing cat costumes, he says he has an idea that involves the Internet. Cue not what you'd expect, but the Catwomen acting out cute cat videos on YouTube. This is followed with Critic getting visited by Halle Berry herself, played by Orlando, and the "How to Train Your Catwoman" manual just says that if he meets Halle Berry, he's FUBAR'd since Halle Berry has no idea what makes a real Catwoman. The Critic has only a few seconds to scream his head off before getting beaten to crap while the Catwomen just concentrate too much on the cute cat videos.
- The Stinger, where Chester arrives at the meeting for people who have CRAHBS... only he has the other kind.
Chester A. Bum: Oh my god, am I in the wrong place!
- After he's done with the movie the Critic still has to deal with the crazy Catwomen. He locks himself in a room, back to the door while the Catwomen pound away at it and we get this:
: When will they realize I don't want four beautiful women in skin tight cat suits interrupting my review? [Beat] [opens eyes as he realizes what he just said]
am I doing? [opens door with a friendly smile]
Hi! You know, I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs
- When the Catwomen are thwarted by their heels on the Critic's carpet when they try to enter his home: "Their greatest weakness: Fetish Fuel!" Then they turn out to have guns in their heels.
- When the Catwomen decide to take action against Halle Berry for ruining Catwoman forever, Eartha Kitt exclaims, "Purring Rs, unite!"
- "Male academia".
- Incidentally, what triggered this phrase also deserves mention, as part of a rant about why no one would believe Ophelia's theories about Catwomen throughout history, which she chalks up to "male academia".
Look, lady, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men, that's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut, that's bullshit. But when you go around with your "theories" that there are in fact "Catwomen" who exist today and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life, a sort of "Catwoman zombie", if you will, who now exist and fight crime even to this day, why do you think nobody believed you again? Ophelia:
Male academia. Critic: [makes buzzer sound]
WRONG! It's because you're fucking crazy! [he slams his fist down on the desk so hard that it causes the phrase "Fucking Crazy!" to pop up, making a cash register ding as it does so] Critic:
"Male academia"? Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly-paid dick! [shows Patience in her Catwoman costume] Critic:
If this movie's all "women are power", how come in the next scene she's dressed like a poster a 13-year old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?
- At one point, after the fact, as the Catwomen confront him yet again, he asks them, "Is my male academia showing?"
- While being pursued by the Catwomen, the Critic reads from "How to Train Your Catwoman" to try to play to their "duality", because "it often wins them critical praise".
Critic: [to the Catwomen] Hey! You seem very... two people... -ish.
- The Catwomen all complain about how complex they really are and how their dreams were ruined.
The Looney Tunes Show: Good or Bad?
The Cat In The Hat
- The title card has the Nostalgia Critic holding up the live-action Cat in the Hat's head. Not funny by itself, but the head in question looks like he's enjoying his own death a liiiiiittle too much.◊
- The video starts with the Nostalgia Critic's Catch Phrase being interrupted by Evilina once again singing the Friendship is Magic theme. He then takes her Celestia doll, throws it on the ground, shoots it, and shouts "We're not turning this video into another brony message board! Now sit down!" Evilina crosses her arms in a pout.
- The reason the Critic is stuck babysitting her? He owes Satan a favor in exchange for the ability to do a good Zod impression. Meanwhile, the reason Satan needs a sitter is that he's currently in a meeting discussing his next project, Planes.
- The Critic's initial reaction to the movie:
- When the Critic is about to review the movie...
Critic: [to Evilina]
Whaddaya say, kiddo? Ready to take a trip into some awkward humor? Evilina:
With Mike Myers
? Of course!
- When we start the review:
It's important to know the director of this movie is Bo Welch, a world famous production designer on a lot of Tim Burton movies and Barry Sonnenfeld productions
. I say this because clearly he's much better at directing the set than he is at directing his actors. Though as you can see, even that
can get a little extreme. [cut to the Humberfloob office floor, a set where everything is bright green, even Mr. Humberfloob's suit, and makes Joan's pink outfit stand out]
I feel like I'm at the beginning of a Doublemint Gum commercial. [the Doublemint jingle plays over clips of the office floor] Critic:
We see the mother works at a hand sanitizer factorynote
, also known as "Howie Mandel's Candy Store" (cut to a shot where everyone is rushing to the hand sanitizers under an "Employees Must Wash Hands Constantly" sign)
as we see one of the many reoccurring themes in current Dr. Seuss productions: weak suburban commentary!
- The Not-Caring Meter:
- Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons
- Halle Berry in Catwoman
- Russell Crowe in... everything he's in
- Dennis Hopper in Super Mario Bros.
- Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever
- Keanu Reeves in The Matrix
- How high did Sean Hayes get on the meter? At the top with Jeremy Irons, resulting in the Critic and Evilina doing Irons' infamous hiss together.
- When the review moves to the two kids in the story, he mentions that Dakota Fanning plays the daughter, and that Fanning is "best known for playing a strange-looking lifeless puppet. Oh, and Coraline." Cue Rimshot, with the Critic and Evilina miming it out.
- Critic thinks that Stephen Hawking's voice box emotes more than the child actors.
- "As she falls asleep, we finally get the appearance of our geisha-covered-in-pubes Mike Myers." Evilina's reaction to the Cat appearing on screen is priceless:
Mr. Critic? Is that what happens when Pepe le Pew
makes whoopie with Ronald McDonald
Yes. Yes it is. Evilina:
...I'm afraid. Critic:
We all are.
- The Critic states Mike Myers wasn't that funny and everybody gasps. Even Satan calls to exclaim a big "What?!"
Critic: Or at... least not as funny as we've built him up to be.
- And shortly afterwards, even though he tries not to, Soulless forces him to admit that Jim Carrey as the Grinch was better. Soulless giggles and even Evilina says, "Ahh!" The Critic snaps at the both of them to "Shut up!"
It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy I shit my pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He could work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume just looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into! Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from White Chicks
. I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It just wasn't the right casting
. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work? (shows the dick innuendo joke where the Cat looks at a photo of Joan Walden, pulls it apart like it's a Playboy centerfold, and his hat springs straight up)
- Soulless torturing the Critic with an endless loop of Mike Myers' wheezing laughs from the movie.
- Analyst #1 and Analyst #2's freakout when the Critic takes away their charts.
"... Well, the chart says..."
- The scene itself taking a rather dark yet hilarious turn when the Analysts decide to shoot themselves in the head rather than exist without the charts.
- Then Soulless is freaking out as well when they cut back to him.
- Count Von Count pops up in the lower right corner of the screen when the Cat delivers a vulgar joke.
Count: Eight! That's eight times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- The Critic's complete breakdown in the middle of the review before the commercial break. Evilina even watches him leaving the room to watch the sunset.
- The fact that Satan complimented the Critic on his idea for torturing Soulless. It's the hand gesture that really sells it.
- The Critic suggesting that the Dr. Seuss movie logo oughta be changed to something that sums up the whole movie. Cue the "A Cat in the Hat Presentation" logo displaying, only inside the circle is Lickboot saying "We've GOT to have... MONEY!" Then Mike Myers' Cat saying "Cha-ching!"
- Towards the end of the movie, The Cat essentially points out that the song that plays during the house cleaning was put in to help sell the soundtrack, Souless' explanation is as such:
- Followed by Evilina hitting the Critic, saying it was painful so that means it no longer is, resulting in the Critic hitting her back.
- The very end:
Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it
— Soulless: [echoing from down below]
Hey! What are you doing with that fork?! [begins screaming] Critic: [smirking]
would like to forget.
Top 11 South Park Episodes
- While talking about the episode "Britney's New Look" Critic tries to restrain himself from going on a rant about how much he hates TMZ, but ultimately decides "Fuck it" and goes on a rant about why TMZ is the worst show ever and why you have no life for watching it. For about 30 seconds straight.
- Throughout the episode, the Critic glances at Malcolm, Rachel, and Uncle Yo playing Straw Fans whenever he's about to say something that he knows a lot of people will disagree with. At the end, just when he thinks he's curbed the anger, they start furiously typing away at their keyboards. The Critic then morphs into the South Park art style and tells them off in a Cartman impersonation.
- Not to mention the absurd twitching expression he makes before his head explodes and he transforms.
- Just the fact that the music he chose for this list is "Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch".
- He mentions that it is highly likely some of the viewer's favorite episodes will not be on his list because "it's fucking South Park", and proceeds to declare a Top 30 or Top 50 list would be more appropriate for most fans to rank their favorites because it has so many awesome episodes worth mentioning.
Is Parody Dead?
- Critic getting beaten up for saying that the movie wasn't quite as awesome as it once was.
- The skit about how implausible scientists can find a bunch of mosquito fossils that all coincidentally have dinosaur DNA in their bodies.note
- The running gag about how John Hammond repeatedly "Spared no expense."
- The hit romantic program of the season...Rambles and Mumbles.
- When none of the dinosaurs show up, the Critic plays a clip from One Froggy Evening.
- Everything involving the motherfuckin' T-Rex, especially translating her roars into Testostero- er, "Estrogen" Poisoning.
I AM AWESOME! I AM OLDER THAN JESUS! CHUCK NORRIS IS MY BUTT PLUG! I WIPE MY ASS WITH YOUR ASS! TANKS ARE MY CRUNCH BERRIES! I SHIT ZOMBIES! MY OVARIES ARE CHAINSAWS! I BLEED NIGHTMARES! MY VAGINA EATS SHARKS! SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE!
- The Running Gag about how Steven Spielberg is taking you on a trip to Spotlight Fetish Land.
- When it appears behind Grant while he watches the animated video explaining the process by which the dinosaurs in the park were made:
Critic: Ohhh, spotlight fetish. I don't care if I'm the only director who has it. I will make you a star!
- Hammond and the others are discussing entry fees in the projector room:
Critic: Ohh, so backlit. Ooh, so illuminating! Ooh, I could hump the whiteout line that it makes on the side of their heads, ooohh!
- Nedry has stolen the embryos:
Critic: Ohh, look how lens flare-y it is. Oh, yeah!
- The crew turns to flashlights after Arnold shuts down the power:
Critic: Oh, why don't I shoot all my movies at a lighthouse? I could write that in somehow!
- The Valley Girl velociraptors.
"Oh, Stephanie, could you be awesome and guard the door while I sniff out our dinner?"
"Of course, Vanessa!"
"No prob!" (first velociraptor walks offscreen, and then after a beat, a scream is heard followed by a munching sound)
"Hey, did you hear about Andrea's spontaneous change of sex
"Yeah, that was weird."
- Referring to the motherfuckin' T-Rex as a Deus Rex Machina.
HAVE A FREE POSTER, BITCHES!
- "And the moral of this story is, when a white Scottish man [Richard Attenborough] offers you to see his park, you say no."
- Critic wonders why the workers at Jurassic Park didn't tranquilize the velociraptors before transferring them into the park, leading to an Imagine Spot where he, Malcolm and Rachel attempt to do it only for the raptor to effortlessly catch the dart and flick it back at Rachel.
- The Title Card...they photoshopped Critic's screaming head onto the T-Rex's body from the movie's logo.
- Critic parodying the theme to Jurassic Park
- Critic voicing his dislike for Jeff Goldblum and mocking his acting style.
Muldoon!Critic: Shoot him!... SHOOOOT HIIIIIM!!!
- Critic's reaction to Gennaro getting eaten by Rex.
- The Critic mocking Grant's fascination not with dinosaurs being brought back to life, but with the fact that this proves that they move in herds.
Grant!Critic: They're eating their own shit. They do eat their own shit.
- Calling Jeff Goldblum "The Wizard of 'Uh's".
- After Ray Arnold proposes the lysine contingency to kill the dinosaurs:
- After Hammond stumbles his way through a mild - and abortive - Stay in the Kitchen towards Ellie, the Critic points out how it's funny that Hammond is confusing strength with gender because most of the things on the island trying to kill him have a vagina.note
- When Hammond's grandchildren show up: "Oh good! The appetizers are here!"
- Critic constantly referring to Lex and Tim as "Bulgy Eyes" and "Young Ferris Bueller" respectively.
- When Tim gets shocked by an electric fence and seemingly dies:
- The Critic describing Sattler's "wow face" in response to the Brachiosaurus as "Laura Dern mugging for the trailer".
- "So Hammond takes them to the visitor's center to show them how the dinosaurs are made. Apparently it was done through the miracle of cloning! One of the many illegal processes I'm sure went into making this place a reality!"
Why is Loki So Hot?
- The video opens with the Critic looking up and questioning if that's really the title of the video. Immediately followed by him saying that he already has plenty of fanfiction written about him and doesn't need to give the Yaoi fanbase anymore fuel.
- The Critic's surprise when he's listed as an example of The Woobie (although not a normal Woobie, a Jerkass Woobie). Plus, his mocking anyone who isn't familiar with the term, before the Blatant Lies that he's only looking it up so he can read the definition exactly as presented on TV Tropes.
- His inability to handle the idea that Thor is actually a guy and his realization that he unwittingly ships Thor/Loki. Consummated at the very end of the video when he asks that he's not making the situation about his sexuality brought up at the beginning of the video and the subtitle reading out a simple NO
A.I.: Artificial Intelligence
- The mockery of TMZ.
- The intro has him being asked to serve as a guest host on the show, and so dumbstruck by the amount of cynical stupidity on display that he immediately hopes there's a commercial break coming up.
- One section has Harvey Levin quickly going through a bunch of pictures of celebrities to choose which ones to do stories on, with the others barking like seals for "yes" and shaking their heads vigorously to say "no". One of the "celebrities" shown is Linkara.
- Reading the guidelines for hosts on TMZ, he exclaims "My God... these are the same instructions you'd give to a prostitute!"
- When Mr. Erin finds McDonald's in Leonardio D'Caprio's garbage, Mrs. Adams gives a delightfully hammy "YOU MEAN HE EATS FOOD!?!?"
- The Critic explaining that in the movie, pregnancy must be sanctioned to stabilize the population after the ice caps melted. Cue picture of Al Gore grabbing his crotch next to Rush Limbaugh, accompanied by Homer Simpson's "Woohoo!"
- The Critic having Apocalypse Now flashbacks to Teddy Ruxpin.
- The Critic describing the Bittersweet Ending.
: And David makes his way to the Blue Fairy's statue, where he spends the rest of his days following a dream, hoping it'll come true. David
: Please make me real. Critic
: Even, one could argue, creating faith, possibly even a religion, thus making him much less
human but also, even more
human, drawing his journey to a close.
- Spotlight Fetish makes a brief return.
- When we first see the Flesh Fair, "Welcome to the Kubrick-Spielberg collaboration, everybody. Doesn't it look exactly how you thought it would look? Oh, the artistic majesty. Oh, the visual wonder. Oh, the... Chris Rock-bot?"
- Subsequently, while pointing out that the Chris Rock-bot was probably not part of Kubrick's vision, Critic wonders what would happen if Rock were alive and Kubrick had used him in his 1960s flicks. Cue the appearance of the Chris Rock 9000:
Dave: Open the pod-bay doors, Hal.
Chris Rock 9000: Eeeeeh, no!
Dave: Open the doors.
Chris Rock 9000: Nnno!
Dave: What's the problem?
Chris Rock 9000: Crackalacka, you gots to go!
Dave: What're you talking about, Hal?
Chris Rock 9000: I gotta get this part right, or I'm gonna have nothing but shitty movies for the rest of my life!
Dave: Hal, I won't argue with you anymore!
Chris Rock 9000: No, no, I don't think you understand! You gots to go!
Chris Rock 9000: Eeh, no!
Chris Rock 9000: Eeh, no!
Chris Rock 9000: Eeh, no!
Dave: I'll go in through the emergency airlock.
Chris Rock 9000: Whaddya want, a cookie?!
- The Critic not being sure if what Teddy told David about "eating" spinach was an observation or a threat.
- The Continued pleas to ask the audience to not look back as the end of the film goes on.
- "Teddy is my slave name! You may call me 'Cuddly-Kinte'."
- When the Critic references how stupid it is that nobody who built David ever thought of the consequences of creating him the way they did, we get a clip of Daffy Duck saying "Consequences schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
- When the mother is about to abandon David.
Critic: It's not like anybody would grow attached to him with his big puppydog-eyes, innocent smile and will to love past the end of time. I mean, Jesus. What if kids in the 90s had to get rid of their Furbies the exact same way?
(cut to Furbie-camera perspective and the Dad pinning him to the floor with a hammer in the other hand)
Son: (sobbing off-screen) Daddy, no!
Doug (as the Dad): I'm sorry, son, but you read the instructions. Once it starts malfunctioning, he has to be bludgeoned to death as violently as possible.
Son: But I love it...
(Doug Dad hits Furbie with the hammer and the camera blacks out)
Son: OH GOD!!!!
Doug Dad: Oh, now. Don't tell me you want to see the therapist again.
(the Furbie starts making eerie noises and Doug hammers it again)
- When Dr. Know (the Robin Williams holographic Google search engine) is introduced, the Critic asks him to explain Williams' bad films (Fathers Day 1997, License To Wed, Flubber, Man of the Year, and RV), causing Dr. Know to explode.
- As David is being driven to a remote forest:
- The nannybot's first appearance, who has a face but no sides to her head:
Critic: Just posing for the camera to show off that effect... okay!
- The Nostalgia Critic getting back at TMZ by declaring "If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them."
- The people at TMZ emulating the the scene in AI where they sit in front of an inanimate object, believing something will come true by repeating a plea over and over again.
- Among these scenes is Ms. Louis declaring "you were amazing", followed by a sheep baaing offscreen. Meanwhile, Mr. Erin and Mrs. Adams are having an affair, and there's an audio clip of Mr. Norton using some choice words against the Chinese.
- The look on Ms. Louis' face when her bestiality clip is shown. She just sits there in a silent Villainous BSoD.
- The Ranger isn't going to like this, Yogi!
- After the creepy scene of David laughing which was apparently supposed to be endearing, the Critic notes that Monica "figures that's enough to push the I-love-you-forever button, which programs the child to never stop obsessing over her till the end of his days. Boy, if they knew that was the selling point for most parents, they'd have him laugh at even more things!"
Hey, David, look! [shows his]
Keys! [clip of David's creepy laughing] Critic: [produces]
A housing foreclosure! [David's creepy laughing continues] Critic: [Shows a picture of...]
Grass! [David's still laughing] Critic: [shows a clip of...] Tracy Morgan
! [David goes dead silent] Critic:
Oooh, he's a keeper!
- This when David discovers the other David:
But I'm sure sweet, loving David will realize that he's unique in his own special way— David: I'M THE REAL DAVID!!!!!!
(smashes the other David's face off
) Critic: JESUS!
- The brief return of Spielberg's Spotlight Fetish.
Spielberg: I KNOW KUBRICK USED IT ONCE, SO PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M GENIUS FOR USING IT ALL THE TIME!
- At the end of the movie, Critic attempts to make a joke out of Teddy not being able to feel despite his apparent obsession with David's happiness. Eventually, he just gives up and shouts "JESUS, THIS IS STUPID!!"
- The Critic undergoes a Heroic BSoD when he discovers that the "Blue Fairy grants David's wish" ending was not Spielberg's fault, it was Stanley Kubrick's original vision for the movie, and Spielberg wanted to keep true to it.
Are Video Games Art?
Master of Disguise
- The Critic opens the review with a sullen face, tapping his desk to bring up one-line reviews by Roger Ebert, Entertainment Weekly, Richard Roeper... and Mike Nelson. He even does a double-take and shudders upon seeing Nelson's name.
- The Running Gag of Rachel granting all of the Nostalgia Critic's requests for death.
- First, it's his reaction to hearing Pistachio's normal voice:
Critic: You mean he wasn't already? [realizes] Oh God...Is that going to be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie?! ["YES"] Inject me! Inject me right now! Come on, kill me! [Rachel Tietz is suddenly grabbing his arm and trying to stick a needle into it] I don't want to wait to die! Just— HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! [Critic pushes Rachel's hand away] What are you doing?!
Rachel: You said to stick you.
Critic: ...It was a joke, Rachel!
Rachel: Ooooh! ...Okay. [fiddles with the needle]
Critic: ...Were you just standing with a syringe in the corner the whole time?
Rachel: ...Well, You know, eh... [quietly steps out of frame as the Critic turns back to the camera, covering his arm back up with his sleeve]
- The second time, he's reacting to Pistachio's dumb smile:
Look, that face might entertain your one year old for an hour and a half, but asshole, YOU WERE ON SNL! YOU HAVE
TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!! I mean it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword
, and nobody ever having a reaction! [beat]
Okay, is this gonna be like a thing with you? [camera cuts back to a wider angle to reveal Rachel with a sword in her hand, ready to swing at him]
Seriously, every single time I make a joke, am I gonna have to look behind my back to make sure you're not gonna kill me? Rachel:
...Well, you know... [shrugs and smiles awkwardly] Critic:
No, I don't know! You're sending very mixed signals right now! Rachel:
... Well, I'll just... go do the... Rachel-ey
things I do. [quietly steps out of the room again]
- The Critic next shows the "notes" he took during the Indian disguise on his laptop, reading "KILL ME WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!" He wised up quickly.
- Pistachio takes out three ninjas by practically slapping them across the face the exact same way. For some reason, the other heavily armed ninjas are all scared into running away instead of using their knives.
Really? Fucking really?
He does the exact same move three times and that scares all the ninjas away? One move? ONE FUCKING MOVE?! I mean it's like me using one move to fight off... RoboCop
... in an Iron Man
mask... with a Mariachi hat... carrying a bow and arrow... with duck shoes-[one frame later, cut to show that Rachel is wearing every single one of these items, and is about to shoot the Critic with a bow and arrow] WHAT IS GOING ON ?!
No, seriously! What is going on?! What is all this?! [Rachel takes off the Iron Man mask and Mariachi hat] Rachel:
It's my birthday. Critic:
Well, get outta here! [Rachel runs off-camera, her shoes quacking the whole time]
- "Huh. That prerecorded hologram somehow seemed to know that a kid would enter from the left... and not be freaked out at all that there's a giant, scary head hovering over him."
- Because the antagonist, Devlin Bowman, is played by Brent Spiner, the Critic exclusively refers to the villain as Lore. He never even mentions the character's name.
- The increasingly sardonic commentary on the "Turtle Club" scene. To explain: the scene has Pistachio go into this club, dressed up like a turtle and speaking like he's Kermit the Frog, and he never says much more than the word "Turtle" repeatedly throughout the entire scene. The Critic thinks that the brilliance of the scene should be held up to the great comedic masters of early television, like Who's On First, Groucho In The Mirror, and Lucy And The Chocolates. In fact, he adds that the "Turtle Scene" was discussed in a Turner Classic Movies segment that analyzed the "Brilliant Comedic Writers" of any generation. Cut to Malcolm Ray as "Professor Birmingham Dickens" with a posh accent and pipe, being interviewed:
Prof. Birmingham Dickens: Well it's not so much the misconception that one would perceive a Turtle Club to be merely for reptiles, but the fact that he repeats the word "Turtle" over and over. [puts pipe in his mouth]
Off-screen Interviewer: I don't get it. [Dickens takes the pipe out of his mouth]
Prof. Birmingham Dickens: No-no. He repeats the word "Turtle"... over and over. [beat]
Interviewer: I... still don't get it.
Prof. Birmingham Dickens: [stressing each word] He repeats... the word... "Turtle"... over... and over.
Interviewer: I still don't get it.
Prof. Birmingham Dickens: Well fuck you, I thought it was funny.
- The Critic laughing hysterically at a "funny" joke... then running outside to beat three people to death with a bat.
- The Critic tracking the rise and fall of the movie's Running Gag about Devlin Bowman farting when he gives an Evil Laugh. And Malcolm as the incarnate spirit of said fart joke, the Breaking of the Wind.
- The climax has Rachel holding the Critic at gunpoint for forgetting her birthday, at which point she farts and they both crack up... which lasts until the Critic knocks her out.
Critic: You're fired. And happy birthday.
- Critic's reaction when Jennifer Esposito's character Jennifer Baker is introduced and they are joking about her having a small butt for the job.
You know... Has this actress gone on to anything else? [shows she has worked in: Crash, Rescue Me, The Looney Tunes Show, Blue Bloods]
Okay, good, so she's doing well. That's good. Uhm... I'm gonna write her an apology card anyway, 'cause Lord knows, somebody has to apologize to her. [writes down]
"Deepest condolences. Nostalgia Critic." There we go. Yeah, I-I mean, you know, it won't make up for it, but something to ease the pain. [Beat]
And some chocolates, you know, something nice to send her, maybe she can just look and say "Hey, maybe it wasn't all that bad" So chocolates, you know. Just... Something to... just something. [Beat]
And a check. You know. I mean, for God's sake, I mean... I'm sure she got paid, but whatever she got paid, huh, it wasn't enough. [starts writing on a check]
- The Critic freaking out at the end when the footage running over the end credits false-ends multiple times, which results in him running to the Happy Madison Productions building and destroying it.
Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
- Rachel as Rita Repulsa (with very bad lip syncing supplied by Doug), Malcolm as Zordon, and adopting the Power Rangers theme to include the Nostalgia Critic, before the Critic cuts it off. EPIC!
Rachel Rita: AHHHHHHHHH! It's the nicest weather the moon has ever had!
- Linkara, dressed in his green Power Ranger costume, saves the day, by nitpicking everything about Power Rangers. He continues to do this after it kills the monster, leading the Critic to teleport him out mid-Fridge Logic.
Rachel Rita: IT'S TOO GEEKY!.
- The Critic as the Black Power Ranger, complete with inexplicable "Super Sentai" Stance use that rapidly devolves into bad dancing.
- It even has a necktie, a marker beard around the mouthpiece and a black visor that looks like his cap.
- At one point as the Nostalgia Ranger trashtalks at the Moviebomb, his dancing briefly has him do a Michael Jackson impression, complete with crotch-grab, as well as the Charleston.
- As he starts trash-talking it, the monster stops and looks momentarily confused.
- The budget having to be put into Divatox's cleavage and Johnny Yong Bosch's hairstyle:
Malcolm Zordon: Look at the cleavage, Critic!
Critic: Okay, those are nice.
Malcolm Zordon: Thank you.
- Malcolm Zordon's expression as the Critic stares at the cleavage needs to be seen to be believed.
- Rachel!Rita summons the Moviebomb, a creature that destroys all possibilities of a rising franchise.
- The Critic asks Malcolm!Zordon why, after being upgraded in the first movie, he now looks like "a blurry magic-eye picture".
Critic: Thomas the Tank Engine moves his lips more than this guy!
- For extra humor, the realization that the review's effects concerning Malcolm as Zordon are actually better than the film's effects.
- The blatant subliminal messaging that pops up when the Rangers get their new zords.
Kimberly and Jason will die if you don't collect them all!
Tell your parents you don't love them until they buy you one!
STEAL FROM CHURCH IF YOU HAVE TO! JUST BUY THEM!!!
- When Rocky manages to throw himself out of the ring, Critic wonders if what Rocky did is even doable. Cut to Jim teaching the Critic to do kicks...and the Critic promptly jumps and flies into the audience, complete with a Goofy holler.
Jim: Alright, let's take five!
- "It's PANDERING TIME!"
- "Oh yes, they float, Georgy... they float!"
- The Nostalgia Ranger's first fight with the Moviebomb. Rather than engage in a prolonged kung-fu battle, Nostalgia Ranger just summons the Ranger's standard giant robot who crushes the monster under its foot.
Malcolm Zordon: That's not how we do things.
Nostalgia Ranger That's not how you do things.
- His first impression of Lerigot: a Warwick Davis Pail Kid.
- When Adam is attacked by a Putra Pod.
Critic: Time to put the Johnny Yong Ka-Bosch on these asses!
- The Critic tries fiddling with some knobs to improve Zordon's reception, accidentally switching him to Oz, the Great and Powerful, Emperor Palpatine, and Vigo the Carpathian.
- "YO HO! YO HO! A RANGER'S LIFE FOR ME!"
- After the Nostalgia Critic tries to placate Rachel!Rita for her cameo in the movie, she retorts that it was in her pajamas and asks him if he likes to imagine her and Lord Zedd doing it. It takes a moment for the squick to settle in for the Critic.
- The Critic's reaction to the new Blue Ranger growing to adult size upon morphing. Openly wondering if he uses it to pick up women in bars.
Blue Ranger: No really babe, I'm 18
. Now what do you say we go to my bunk bed, and I unzip my fly, and never take this costume off.
- "Your performances are 'meeeeh'."
Are Superheroes Whiny Little Bitches?
Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments
- The critic opening the video saying that The Lord of the Rings does have some dumb moments. Cue an arrow being fired at him and dodging it with a scream in the background.
- The faux-Elvish chanting when each new segment is introduced.
- On the multiple endings, cutting the multiple endings of Clue in them and mentioning that one of the multiple endings looks like a curtain call.
Critic: It doesn't help that ending... 1.2 looks a whole lot like a curtain call.
Narrator!Critic: Ladies and gentlemen, our Lord of the Rings players! Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan as Merry and Pippin. John Rhys-Davies as Gimli, Orlando Bloom as Legolas, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, Rudy as Sam, big-scary-eyes as Frodo and Sir Ian McKellen as the always endearing, always heartwarming Gandal— [Gandalf laughs] Ahh! That is fucking terrifying. Please don't show that agai— [Gandalf laughs] Ahh! Holy Jesus. That's gonna haunt my nightmares. [Gandalf laughs] Stop that.
- Then finishes with the Critic imitating Gandalf's laugh.
- Santa Christ saying "is it Seacrest? Is he safe?" while Doug and Malcolm talk about American Idol.
- The return of "I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' T-REX!"
- The skits demonstrating other ways they could have gotten the ring to Mount Doom, with Doug as Aragorn, Rachel as Legolas, and Malcolm as Gimli. One has Rachel!Legolas tying the ring to an arrow and shooting it at the mountain (once from very far away from Mordor, and the other at The Black Gate, when Critic talks about the Mouth of Sauron scene being cut out of the movie), and another has Malcolm!Gimli tossing it into the flames while riding an eagle.
Malcolm!Gimli: The dwarves say Merry Christmas, motherfucker!
- Sam carrying Frodo with Whitney Houston's The Bodyguard's theme on the background.
- Mentioning how ridiculous the plot resolution to Sam being framed by Gollum as having eaten the last of the food was, since Sam knew he was set up and yet was actually leaving Frodo when Frodo told him to go until discovering the bread farther down the mountain.
Critic!Samwise Gamgee: ... So I didn't eat it!
- At one point, Critic adopts a Sean Connery accent when imitating Gimli.
- Lampshading all the times the characters seem to be dead and then come back.
: In fact, I think the only reason Boromir didn't come back is because Sean Bean
has it in his contract that he has to die
in every single movie he's in... and stay dead
- The Critic complaining about Gimli not being a dignified representation of the dwarves and being cutoff midsentence when Gimli farts.
- When the Critic discusses Frodo and Sam's Ho Yay:
Critic as Gollum: Oh Christ, just propose already!
- For Gandalf's Heroic Sacrifice in the movie, while it had a reason to be in the book and the animated version, in the movie, nobody did anything to save him.
Critic!Boromir: No, no. He's gone.
Critic!Gandalf: Bullshit I am! I'm right here.
Critic!Boromir: He's never coming back.
Critic!Gandalf: I haven't even left yet.
Critic!Boromir: We must move on without him.
Critic!Gandalf: I can hear every word you just said.
Critic!Boromir: Remember he told us to fly.
Critic!Gandalf: Yes. Fly forward and grab me, please.
Critic!Boromir: He will live forever in our hearts.
Critic!Gandalf: I'd rather much live the real way.
Critic!Boromir: Our friend... Is gone.
Critic!Gandalf: Oh, fuck this. (falls) Tell Bilbo I never liked HIM!!!
- At #6, The Critic having a "Denethor. Just... Denethor" Reaction and complaining about Denethor's portrayal and how some people say he is a Shakespearean Villain: being very complex and very simpathetic, cutting to a Big "NO!" screaming Denethor and prompting him to say: "Well, I'm glad you guys saw that, but for me, I just saw a crazy asshole". Then saying that after having the closest thing to a good redemption scene, Denethor burns to death.
- Complaining about the fake deaths, Critic!Aragorn interrupts the Mouth of Sauron saying that he isn't fooling them because Frodo "died" once.
- And Rachel!Legolas killing Sauron and Malcolm!Gimli saying "That still counts as one!" with all three of them shrugging comedically with background music.
- While complaining about the cutting of a good scene when Christopher Lee's character Saruman is killed, he says that the theatrical cut didn't quite wrap up the loose ends.
Critic: Because I mean, what are the odds of an ancient evil that we don't kill all the way possibly come back and biting us in the a— (cut to the Eye of Sauron) That doesn't count, he's an eye!
- As Saruman is impaled and sinking in the water...
Hey, Gandalf, do you still have that 2X1 coupon of an extra life at the Pearly Gates? Critic!Gandalf:
Sorry! Already used it. Critic!Saruman: Oh crud
- The type B Losing Horns that play after several of Gimli's pratfalls.
Was Batman Season 4 A Hit Or Miss?
- The end of the intro sketch, where Dr. Hack proceeds to pitch the premise of Full House to the Critic, who immediately storms out in frustration.
Dr. Hack: (describing the show) Three obnoxiously perfect girls are raised by three obnoxiously perfect men in San Francisco, and not one of them is gay!
- Bringing a certain meme into the introduction.
- Extra funny if you've been watching the ATLA vlogs, and you realise just how much the show has gotten to him.
- Dubbing Serena's voice over Darth Vader.
Serena Vader: Did you hear there's a new Sailor V videogame out? I saw it on TV!
Imperial Captain: Lord Vader? The battle station's plans are not aboard this ship.
Serena Vader: Oh yeah.
Imperial Captain: And no transmissions were made.
Serena Vader: How can that be?! My mom finds out, she'll ground me and cut my allowance!
Imperial Captain: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No life forms were aboard.
Serena Vader: I can't believe this! Oh! What am I going to do [whimpers]? We can get ice-cream!
Imperial Captain: Yes sir!
- Nostalgia Critic's description of Serena.
Critic: Being pretty as sin and dumb as cheese, she, of course, is very popular in school, obtaining all sorts of friends.
- Seeing that Serena went to high school with Dr. Insano, during "the awkward years of [his] puberty".
Melvin: You're going shopping? What's more important than your grades? (voice suddenly turns into that of Dr. Insano) Science, of course!
- Chanting "14 years old" whenever the transformations get too suggestive.
Fourteen — (Panty Shot)
DAMN! — y-years-old...
- Which leads to a rather well-researched discussion of how the age of consent in Japan is 13, a couple pros and cons of that (interspersed with Homer's "that's good, that's bad" routine), and concludes that it's just Values Dissonance between the cultures. He then gets to the real question: why did he put Sailor Moon in his Top 11 Animated Hotties?
Critic: I didn't know
! I swear to God I didn't know! Look at the way they're drawn
, man! I thought they were college age or at least late high school! I swear, officer— I mean audience
- Illustrating the less savory side of the fans ("that creepy guy who fixes your computer") with what appears to be the infamous Sailor Bubba.
- Critic suggesting that the Japanese title for "Sailor Moon" was "Magical Girl Squad Robo Dance Yes"
- Goddamn near ANYTHING involving the Critic's talking penis. It eventually holds NC at gunpoint.
- Doubles as a Call-Back to his crossover with Mara Wilson and him looking like a real nerd with acne, braces, glasses and "grunge-era hairstyle".
- Mercury has the power of FUCKING BUBBLES!!
- The ending where Dr. Hack proceeds to pitch the premise of Demo Reel to the Critic, who promptly hits him with his hat.
- Him pointing out how messed up it is that the people responsible for bringing the show to America apparently thought it was okay to sexualize 14 year olds, but drew the line at Sailors Uranus and Neptune being a lesbian couple (in the American dub, they were cousins).
So just to check: (shows an image of Bratz)
Okay; (shows a shot of Uranus and Neptune)
shaaaame. (shows a shot of a little girl wearing a conical bra)
Okay; (shows a shot of Uranus and Neptune)
- When he mentions that the name of the evil henchman is Jedite, an edited poster for "Return of the Jedi" titling it "Return of the Jedite" appears, but Critic pushes it back saying "Eh, too obvious."
- Also pointing out how easily people fall into the villains traps
Critic (as Jedite):
Please get in this evil device which is in no way an evil device
. (3 schoolgirls get trapped in test tubes covered in glowing ooze) Critic (as Jedite):
Joke's on you, it was an evil device.
- "This is Tuxedo Mask. And yes. It is painfully obvious who he really is. But please don't tell Serena. She's not very briiight".
- Talking about the other Sailor Scouts, having personalities as on par as Spice Girls, then retracting because that description was too demeaning, settling finally with Hanson.
- Critic kills Sailor Pluto because it's not considered a planet anymore.
- The Critic's Genre Savvy to Serena and Darien's Belligerent Sexual Tension.
- Wondering why Serena doesn't use her transformation pen for better uses than disguises, since they never state there's a limit on what she can transform into. Cue edited footage of Serena using her pen to transform into Godzilla and just stepping on the bad guys.
Critic (as Serena): Take on the form of Godzilla! (transforms into Godzilla, roars, and then stomps on the bad guys)
- The Critic commenting on how Sailor Scouts named after the various planets were introduced before apologizing to Sailor Pluto as he pulls it his gun on account of Pluto not being a planet anymore, although technically, the Moon was never a planet to begin with.
- Commenting on how there's little physical fight in the series.
- The Critic calling BS on the "Never running from a real fight," part of the theme song as it plays during a clip of Sailor Moon doing that.
Critic: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING — SHE'S RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT!!!
- He criticizes the show's half-assed PSAs provided by Serena, slapped on at the end of each episode, which features the same animation as before.
"To say they're time fillers is an understatement. Half the time, they don't even bother to fill in the dead air they care so little about!"
- The Critic thinks that a more appropriate PSA would be something like this:
Why is Tom and Jerry Genius?
Les Miserables MUSICAL REVIEW
- The Critic, Oancitizen and Paw Dugan flinching visibly whenever Russell Crowe/Brentalfloss sings.
- Brentalfloss's singing in general!
- Brentalfloss's costume: French Napoleon-style clothes with pink slinkies on his shoulders and a general hat made with a cut-out Capn' Crunch cereal box.
- Brentalfloss's new inspiration.
- The look on Critic's face when he sees the album.
- During the group meeting about Floss:
We can't have him in the review! Critic:
Do you think I don't know that?! Oancitizen:
We have to get rid of him. He's like a musical Armaggedon. Paw: The movie
or the event
? Oancitizen: Does it matter?!
- Getting rid of Floss.
We would like the role much better if you played it as Dr. Mario. Paw:
We would? Critic:
... that would require you going to medical school. Floss:
How long does that take? Critic: Only a couple days. Paw
: It does? Oancitizen: [punches him] Critic: If he does that again you can shoot him.
Awesome! That's a great idea! Well, see you guys in a few days! Oancitizen:
Oh! And if anyone tells you otherwise... they're liars!
- Oancitizen being disconcerted by the existence of Arm Joe, the Les Misérables fighting game.
- When the actual review begins, Russell Crowe appears singing and the three reviewers recoil in fear.
Who let that kid going through puberty out of the Glee club
- Paw trying to calm down the Critic when he starts ranting about how unforgivable stealing a loaf of bread is.
Critic: Have you ever had French bread?
Critic: Then you wouldn't understand.
- The Animaniacs clip.
Yakko: I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko!
Dot: (in Crowe's voice) ♪AND I'M JAVEEERT!♪ (normal voice) Shoot.
- The merits of Crowe singing.
Oancitizen: It's actually not as bad as you may think. (Critic stares at him, slack-jawed, while Paw is readying a punch) Hear me out.
- The Critic complaining that the priest can't be Colm Wilkinson because he can understand him, saying that "he usually sounds like Sean Connery if his lips were being stretched by a ricepicker."
Critic (as Colm Wilkinson): Derr is whiiine heer zhoo revive yoo. Derr is brread zhoo make you shrtoooong.
Oancitizen: (with a threatening voice) You will leave that man alone. He is a musical treasure.
Critic: I will for now, Kyle. But my collection of Colm Wilkinson funny voices will not go untouched.
- "Jesus, guy, take a few steps back! I can see the scenery you've been chewing between your teeth!"
- Paw's terrible joke in response to scenes of Valjean walking around.
Paw: Well, you can't say that the pacing of this movie is bad! [fries in their stares, makes ineffectual rimshot motions]
Critic: No, no! It only works if I do it. [makes rimshot motions; "badum-chish" plays]
- The Critic's disbelief that Valjean is suddenly mayor in the next scene:
Critic: No one just goes from being a runaway fugitive to being the mayor of an entire town!
Oancitizen: Yeah, it's usually the other way around.
- Oancitizen saying that Javert has turned into "Maximus Bonaparte".
- The repetition of Valjean's sang line "Your face is not a face I would forget"
- About Fantine becoming a prostitute:
Critic: Why?! Hasn't she heard?! She can be mayor in a jump cut! Hell! By the time this movie is over she'll probably be the queen of France!
- "This leads to the big I Dreamed A Dream performance, and..." [all shrug and chorus, begrudgingly] "it's fantastic."
- Linkara showing up randomly and protesting that they were doing a musical review without him.
Critic: Kyle. Deal with it.
[Oancitizen starts performing the firing of Fantine part]
Linkara: Okay, if you're going to insult me, don't do it in song.
Oancitizen: Fine, then I'll just say it's my turn to shine and shut the door on you. [does so]
Critic: Think he'll be okay?
Oancitizen: Oh, he'll be fine.
Paw: I'm sure he'll get over it.
[cut to Linkara singing a parody of I Dream A Dream about how he's not impressed by Anne Hathaway doing it in one take, only for Sci-Fi Guy to butt in to recover his iPod... twice... and be repelled with violence]
- The third time he appears (attempting to return Linkara's fallen hat) caused Linkara to scream at him to "GET IN THE CORNER!"
- Paw explaining why Valjean revealed his true identity:
Paw: (in Motor Mouth)
Well, because another man was confused for him, so coincidentally been brought to the court on the same day so Valjean'd reveal himself in the courtroom, Javert was also there, so the judge for some reason lets him leave so he could go to the hospital where Javert could catch him later. Critic: (beat)
Oh! That old story!
- "Why didn't you use their character names?" "Because they're Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter. That's who they always play."
- Then Malcolm and Rachel show up to sing a musical number about why those two were there and why they were the Thenardiers.
- "THEY'RE RAPING SANTA!!!"
But they shake it up by some upbeat humor like... Oh, GOD! ARE THEY RAPING SANTA?! Oancitizen:
Wouldn't that be technically be "Father Christmas"? Critic:
I thought it would be "Père Noël". Paw:
Who cares?! THEY ARE RAPING SANTA! Critic:
Well, maybe there was the way to make it into a Christmas film. I can just see the ads now. Les Misérables: A Musical wrapped with death, starvation and raping Santa
. Fa La La La La (Captions in red and green: MERRY CHRISTMAS! FA LA LA LA LA)
- "So, Valjean shows up to take Cosette away... who seems to take the whole 'dead mother thing' pretty well. I'd dare even say it's just glanced over. But, to be fair, if you were a girl, you'd probably be happy to suddenly have Wolverine as your father, too."
- "Not since I shook my head in a room with no lights on have I seen an action scene so well shot".
- "The first third? They had enough story to fill a Christopher Nolan flick!"
- "Whenever confrontation pops up, they shouldn't just run and hide!" [knock on the door] "It's Brentalfloss." "Run and hide!" Then they do, in the closet.
Critic: Insert coming out of the closet joke here.
Paw: [does rimshot motions, gets the sound] Hey, I got it.
- Paw gets a romantic duet with Elisa Hansen, who he fell in love with at first sight, singing about how stupid it is when characters fall in Love at First Sight. Even a Kermit the Frog hand-puppet is bemused.note
This review is carrying more subplots than the movie. Oancitizen: At least we couldn't possibly carry any more
. Todd in the Shadows: (bursts through the door)
You won't believe what I saw! Critic and Oancitizen:
NO! No. No. No. No. No! No! Nope! No! (they both attempt to push Todd out the door) Todd:
It was a platypus bunny! (Critic and Oancitizen pauses) Oancitizen:
...What's a platypus bun—? Critic: (resumes his attempt to push Todd out the door)
Don't ask, we can't let ourselves be drawn in! Todd:
It had plaid
-coloured skin! And a tail made out of webbed feet! Critic:
OUT! (they finally manage to push Todd out) Oancitizen:
...A tail made out of webbed feet? Critic:
I'm sure it's not as impressive as it sounds.
- The entire "One Big Song" musical number before the commercial break.
- Todd passionately belting "PLATYPUS BUNNY!" at the top of his voice.
- And of course, right before it goes to commercial, the platypus bunny appears to sing the last note.
- "Eponine sings a song about the Friend Zone, and Marius sings like he swallowed an oboe. Judging by his voice, Marius is going to grow up to be Charlie Brown's teacher." Cue Marius's voice edited by the trombone wah-wahs of the Peanuts cartoons.
- "I want to feel emotion for these characters, not count how many zits they have."
- Oancitizen attempting to have his solo, only to be interrupted by Elisa (who tries to start her song about cinematography), the Critic (who accidentally interrupts him by sneezing), and then Nella (who tries to join because it's a musical review), whom he cat-hisses at. Finally, he launches into a parody of "Stars" dealing with boring cinematography. And at the end, Critic is asleep and Paw and vampire-obsessed Elisa are cuddling.
There's a Buffy the Vampire Slayer
marathon on downstairs. Elisa:
Girl power and vampires
?! (runs off, causing Paw to fall off the bed they were sitting on and land on the floor with a thump) Paw: (in a squeeky voice)
- "And strangely enough, Crowe actually does manage to... act in this scene. For a brief moment, it actually sounds like he gives a damn."
- Critic and Paw's relentless mockery of Colm Wilkinson's Jean Valjean and the way he sang the word "home" in the "Bring Him Home" segment in the epilogue (as performed in the 1995 concert). Made doubly hilarious by Oancitizen's silent, discontented expression throughout.
- The three reviewers pouting at the camera, while the image turns into a drawing resembling the cover of the book.
- "Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief. Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase. I am the law"
- Adding cartoon sound effects to Javert's suicide.
Oancitizen: Way to kill him off with dignity.
- Made even funnier when the last one was the Colm Wilkinson "home"note , much to Oancitizen's irritation
- Response to a strangely angled scene:
Critic: So Marius speaks with Valjean... (the three lean their heads) on the Titanic...
- Critic's talent sense.
Critic: Say, is it me or has the room gotten a lot less talented?
[cuts to an overly-attatched-girlfriend-looking Brentalfloss with a scary "thud" noise]
- "I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but a musician trying to learn from Russell Crowe is like a public speaker trying to learn from a mime."
- Brentalfloss's suicide song.
- Critic finishing up the big "Do You Hear The Critics Sing?" musical number by doing the Colm Wilkinson "home". Both the others then Dope Slap him.
- Linkara's angry face.
- Randomly cutting to Brentalfloss's facedown in the bathtub during the song.
- "There's even some people who didn't like Toy Story 3!"
- The Stinger, with Malcolm and Rachel as Sokka and Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Rachel: We're Waterbenders!
Critic: I'm not in for any New Age religions. Pretty much all of 'em tell me I'm still going to Hell.
- The bloopers, as always, provide endless entertainment:
- The debate (which becomes a Running Gag) about if they should call one character Santa, Père Noël, or Father Christmas.
- Paw constantly forgetting his lines.
- Paw flubbing the line "The movie or the event?" in reference to Armageddon.
- Particularly one such mess-up:
- Paw using his hands to make a "won't shut up" gesture whenever Kyle is delivering a speech.
- The realization that Doug looks a full head shorter than everyone else due to the mattress sagging.
Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got As Kids
- As the Critic is training in Bending at the beginning, he accidentally blows up his instructor standing behind him. After seeing what he did, he pulls a Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.
The Last Airbender
- The intro, which parodies the intro of the show and summarizes the franchise up to this point.
Rachel Katara: (narrating)
Water, Earth, Fire. Long ago, the three seasons lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed when the Shyamalan attacked. [the Fire Nation is represented here as a camera crew in front of the Hollywood Sign, with a red filter applied to the backdrop] Rachel Katara:
Only the Avidjerk [who is Doug standing on top of a mountain, angrily spewing water, air, and fire and kicking up earth with each stomp]
master of ripping films apart, could restore balance. But when the world needed him most, he vanished. [a poster for the movie appears behind Doug, causing him to mutter "Oh, fuck this noise!" and walk off. Cut to Rachel Katara and Malcolm Sokka appearing before the Nostalgia Critic] Rachel Katara:
Several years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avidjerk, a reviewer named Nostalgia Critic. And although his critiquing skills are great, he still has much to learn before he can save anything. [Critic tries to run off, and Rachel Katara bloodbends him into a wall]
But I believe Nostalgia Critic can save the franchise. [Critic ducks as the title appears]
- Pointing out that criticizing the pronunciations of character names would be too hypocritical of him. In his recap series of each episode, he mispronounced several character names the exact same way, including "Sowka" and "Eeroh." Even in the review itself, he mispronounces "Zhao" as "Chow."
- "But sadly, we get to the greatest weakness of any Shyamalan film: they start talking."
- He describes the acting as the dreaded "Hayden Christensen Syndrome".
- "STOP IT! Your monotone can break glass!" *clip of Sokka talking to Aang causes a piece of glass on the Critic's desk to shatter*
- Upon seeing Aang glowing in the iceberg:
Movie Sokka: I think there's something in there.
Critic Sokka: [monotone] It's a good movie, trying to get out.
Critic Katara: [monotone] Kill it!
- The ways in which Doug was able to flawlessly incorporate many of the show's best Memes, including "Foaming Mouth Guy", "MY CABBAGES!", and Sokka's "Water triiiibe!"
- When the Critic tries to find his spirit animal, and it turns out to be the platypus bunny.
- The impression of the show's credits sequence.
- The Critic reviewing the movie when suddenly "things heat up (Ba-dum, tish!) when the Fire Nation attacks".
- The Critic extensively rants about the Earthbending scene.
Critic (as the Earthbenders):
I'M A LI-TTLE TEA-POT! SHORT! AND! STOUT! Critic (as random Earthbender): (with a deadpan Droopy voice)
Don't worry, guys. I'll get him. Take that.
- The plethora of jokes and his utter enthusiasm about Yue's unfortunate hair: "So Aang and the team finally made their way to the North Pole and — (about to get to the infamous Penis hair◊ shot) Oh god. Is this it? It's gotta be, please be it. (Starts playing Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' as the Penis hair enters the frame) OH MY GOD! It's even more phallic than I imagined! The stories were true! Gaze into the Holy Grail of comedic possibilities. Oh my god! There's too many jokes to choose from! Which one should I go with? Which one should I go with?"
Does that require a Blowdry or a Blowjob? Are haircuts known as circumcisions? I said 'Public Hair' not 'Pubic Hair'! Does this make Queen Amidala
's hair look less vaginal or more vaginal? When you said your hair is a dick to comb, I didn't know you meant a DICK to comb. Does the rug match the prick shaped drapes? You might be the only female I can get away with calling dick head. So, when you say you're washing your hair tonight, does that technically count as masturbating? This is great, I can technically reach first AND second base both at the same time. You're making the Coneheads look modest. Is that a cock on your block or are you just happy to see me? Now I know why they call you 'Hard Head'. What does she use for a headband, a censor bar?
Was your hooker name 'Tip of the Iceberg'? Well, two heads are better than one. Seeing how you're royalty, do they crown you with a cock ring? I'm gonna guess and say night caps and condoms are pretty much the same for you. Pardon me your highness, but your hair looks like a giant penis.
- And after he uses the highlighted joke, a Rimshot plays... that syncs with the BGM perfectly.
- Rachel!Katara using bloodbending on the Critic, and then justifying it by saying that if M. Night Shyamalan has unlimited control, why shouldn't she?
- The hilarious, yet accurate song that summarizes all three seasons in one minute and ends by saying that the best Avatar ain't that blue pussy turd.
- How it begins: Starts with Malcolm!Sokka saying "Katara (pronounced as in the movie)... Guitarra!". Rachel!Katara pulls out a guitar, strums it, then she, Critic, and Malcolm!Sokka sing "spoilers!" and Chester appears singing "Go to this part [of the video] 3:30 if you haven't seen the show yet!"
- Speaking of the song, following the line "Four nations exist called Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water", there is a Freeze-Frame Bonus of Ma-Ti, from Captain Planet, with the element of Heart.
- Toward the end, we have the summary of Zuko and Katara's fight with Azula.
- Animated Sokka throws a rock at his live action version, showing the contrast between the two of them.
- Shyamalan as Amon.
- The stuff written on Shyamalan's Amon mask, laying out every famous Plot Twist from all his movies... with the phrase "Oscar Nominated Writer" written on the red circle on his forehead, and several statements about Shyamalan's ego.
- The parody of the end of The Legend of Korra episode "The Revelation":
I have discovered the power to take any performer's acting ability away. Critic: gasp
He's bluffing. No director is that bad or powerful... Shyamalan: And for those of you who don't think I'm that bad or powerful
, just look at what I did to Mark Wahlberg in The Happening
. (Critic, Rachel!Katara, and Malcolm!Sokka cringe as they watch the clips) Rachel Katara:
But... but that's a critically-acclaimed actor! Malcolm Sokka:
He's mastered the art of Talentbending.
- Pointing out that the scene where Zuko performs a Villainous Rescue of Aang as "The Blue Spirit" was left in the otherwise Compressed Adaptation for two reasons: one was to show that Zuko and Zhao are in a race to capture the Avatar to secure the approval of Fire Lord Ozai, and the other was just so M. Night Shyamalan could shout "WHAT A TWEEST!"
- Doug reverts to clips from "The Ember Island Players" episode to show the characters of the original show snarking at their live action versions.
- Criticizing how the romantic relationship between Sokka and Yue gets cut down to one narrator line from Katara: "And that's all you need! Yes, all the emotions and character developed can just be summed up in that one sentence! God, Shyamalan's writing knows how to cut the fat of all that pesky caring! God, why do we listen to all that pesky talk in Hamlet when it could've been summed up with...":
The prince didn't like his uncle. [picture of David Tennant in Hamlet costume] Hijinks ensued
. [picture of him about to kill Sir Patrick Stewart's Claudius with a crazed look on his face]
* WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
- When Gran-Gran is telling Katara and Sokka about the Avatar:
Gran-Gran: Yes, there are some spirits that live hidden among us. I'm sure they're watching us with great sadness.
Critic!Gran-Gran: Or maybe that's the audience. Either way, great sadness.
- After admitting Aasif Mandvi (Commander Zhao), Shaun Toub (Iroh) and Dev Patel (Zuko) were the only decent actors in the film and explains that at least Iroh and Zuko emoted enough to have more emotional scenes, they get cut away for more exposition. You can tell Iroh is telling Zuko, "By the way, nephew. As your uncle, I care for you very mu-Oh, more story, more story! Sorry, sorry, more story!"
- "But Aang wakes up and escapes Zuko through the most masterful approach possible: reenacting a Tom and Jerry routine!"
- Senior Fire Nation Correspondent Zhao reports, "I can hardly explain what I'm seeing, John, but the Moon just came back!"
- "He deered to kill a King's dare!"
- Realizing the only way to defeat Amon!Shyamalan is to end things the way an Avatar series would: "Deus ex Machina!"
- Getting more and more fed up with the endless exposition until, "Please, no more 'splaining!"
- Aang coming to save the Critic from Shyamalan, and being incredibly apathetic about it.
- When criticizing the fact that Aang's backstory is compressed to a sentence and a half, Critic points out, "But hey, that's just one of the minor major plot devices that probably should've been explored more. Missing also is: Suki, Jet, the pirates, Bumi, the fortuneteller, the Warriors of Kyoshi, Sokka's sense of humor, Katara's strength and motherly wisdom, and any form of fun and enjoyability that the show was so good at balancing out, BUT..... it's okay. Because we have that guy from The Daily Show!" *cue foamy mouth guy*
- "So both Aang and Katara master their waterbending from Billy Connolly-Theoden, and as you can see... there's no stopping their incredible abilities now. Look at all that water fly. [...and absolutely nothing's happening, probably because they're trying to waterbend solid ice] Nobody dare cross the phenomenal power that these two-Okay, here's another problem with the movie: the bending takes forever! The original keeps the action quick and exciting, as... well, action should be! Maybe two moves could do something impressive. But here, I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting! If the opening was being honest, here's how it should really go:"
[a water bender does a lot of complex movement but no water is made]
Rachel Katara: Water.
Rachel Katara: Water.
[beat; Rachel Narrator gets increasingly frustrated]
Rachel Katara: WATER!
[a tiny splash is made]
Water Bender: [a la Sokka] Water Tribe! [gets shot]
- When the Critic regains past memories regarding the show, he remembers the characters, story... and the fans' focus on how names were pronounced rather than the episodes' themes.
- When the movie ends with a Sequel Hook setting up Azula.
- He mocks the movie version of Ozai by saying he puckers his lips so much he's only waiting to be kissed. He also rants of the actor, Cliff Curtis, as follows:
This is the most common, non-threatening person you could put in this role! It's like they grabbed a guy at the grocery store and dressed him up as Biggus Dickus
! Ozai Biggus Dickus:
Hail Caesar! Critic:
Hell, Biggus Dickus
is more intimidating than him! He at least is played by an actor I know is dead
, which kinda has the ghost value
... it's more intimidating than this!
- In the review, Appa is referred to as both a "white Neighbor Totoro" and later as Aang's "Where the Wild Things Are mascot".
WTF is with the Ending of The Graduate?
Bridge to Terabithia
- At the start, he mentions how he said he would review the movie during his "Princess Hate" editorial, and that the responses have ranged from "Oh boy, when're you gonna do that?" to "If you touch that timeless treasure, I will impale your testicles on a set of toothpicks." His response to the latter is "HA! Jokes on you, I haven't felt any feeling down there because of scenes like this:" Smash Cut to the Critic smacking his groin with his own sword in Suburban Knights, and The Angry Video Game Nerd launching Rapid-Fire Fisticuffs onto his genitals.
- Jess saying he doesn't want to use the sneakers his mom suggested because they're pink and look like a girl's shoes,note the Critic suggests to write "Friendship is Magic" on them for the bronies to leave him alone.
- The Critic saying AnnaSophia Robb looks like a photoshopped Barbie.
Leslie: I don't use my Barbies so much anymore. If you want you can have them.
Jess's sister: Thanks!
Critic (as Leslie): What do I need them for? I am the Barbie.
- Cue the Critic joking that the other princesses are plotting to kill her.
- After a scene involving Juicy Fruit appears after the Critic says that the movie is so sickeningly sweet it's like a gum commercial:
Really, Disney? You...don't have enough money for backing that you had to go to Juicy Fruit
? Malcolm: (VO)
Juicy Fruit, the gum of contrived, unmotivated Disney moments everywhere. (the last bit of the 1985 Walt Disney Pictures fanfare is heard as "That Just Bought Us 5 More Disney Sequels!" appears)
- Whimsical Digestion
- "IT'S A FRIGGIN' ROPE!"
- The Critic making fun of the Mundane Made Awesome rope scene by waving his arms around and saying "WEEEEE!"... while using the toilet and leaving Malcolm and Rachel outside. When Malcolm tells him to take his childhood fantasies somewhere else, the Critic says that they aren't enchanted. Then, Malcolm goes into the bathroom and does what the Critic was just doing.
- After signing off, the Critic then proceeds to whimsically eat a chip. Malcolm and Rachel, who are watching, consider auditioning for College Humor.
- This scene:
What if there was a magical kingdom that only we knew about? Critic (as Leslie):
One that we can use a ton of false advertising
to trick Narnia
fans into seeing!
- The Critic says that Leslie goes way too deep into detail and perhaps it is pathological. So we cut to a gag showing what would have happened if Leslie survived the movie: the adult Leslie (played by Rachel) meets up with adult Jess (Doug) for dinner. When Jess brings up Terabithia, he's unsettled to find she still thinks she's in Terabithia. Turns out she's a sanity-depraved maniac, which prompts Jess to hastily depart. After that, she's seen channeling Francis Dolarhyde to torture Malcolm in the basement.
- The obligatory reference to a certain film series now starring Josh Hutcherson:
- And when Jess attacks the bully: "Don't make him get out his cake decorating kit!"
- Malcolm as the narrator of the fake horror trailer:
Witness the horror. Witness the terror. Witness a famous actor playing that scary role every famous actor wants to play at least once in their career. [shot of Ms. Edmunds] Zooey Deschanel
. [shot of Josh Hutcherson]
Hunger Games Joke. The Field Trip
. Brought to you by Disney. [imitates last few notes of the Walt Disney Pictures 1985 fanfare]
- "Stop it! You're making Full House look like a Holocaust drama!"
- The film reaching the increasing Whiteness Levels of Whole Foods, Pointless Phone Apps, Fighting for a Group You Know Nothing About, and One Direction.
- The Critic complaining about how nothing seems to go wrong in this movie, then cut to the parents crying:
- IT'S TEREBITHIA GODDAMMIT!
- The Critic notes that as animated bubbles float from Leslie's mouth while she reads her paper, the film initially suggests the fantasy scenes will be in a handdrawn style mixed with live-action, but the rest of the movie uses normal CGI. It's like if, for some reason, the Critic were to change up styles in the middle of the review to reflect something like Frank Miller. Cut to black-and-white shots of Critic sitting on a rooftop with a sprawling city as the backdrop; there are bandages on his face, and besides him stands Malcolm Ray dressed in Nazi attire.
Critic: Hey, Samuel L. Jackson.
Malcolm: I'm a Nazi for some reason.
Critic: I in no way question that.
- Walt Disney: God Damns Ya to Hell.
- The driver kicks Jess off the bus when Janice falls and accuses him of tripping her. Leslie protests, and the driver says, "You have your magical kingdom you're in charge of? Well I have mine: Busworld, where I can throw any kid off with no legal repercussions whatsoever! Don't mess with the king, baby! Busworld!" It becomes a minor Running Gag in regards to the bus driver.
- We are all the sperm of Jesus.
- "Thus, the Free To Pee movement was born. First, they moved to Russia, then, they migrated to China. Soon the world fought back against the evil commu-piss."
- When Leslie was in church, she opens her bag up and captures God in it.
Critic (as Leslie): I GOT HIM! I GOT GOD! QUICK, CALL THE RELIGIOUS LEADERS OF THE WORLD! I GOT AN EBAY AUCTION THE LIKES OF THE VATICAN HAS NEVER SEEN! GOD!
(and later on...)
God: HELP! She says she won't let me free unless I convert to Jubee-ism.
- The Critic criticizes the part where religion gets involved in the protagonists' fantasy world, pointing out that the last time Disney tried to discuss religion in one of their films, the result was a perverted old man who jerked off to his sexy fireplace.
- The Critic's EPIC outburst in Angrish (including walking away from the recording room!) when one of the bullies taunts Jess about his best friend's death.
No! He did not-! He did not-! He did not-! No! There is joh
, and there is no, and that was no! That was... That was...! NO! No-no! NO!
- When Jess makes May Belle princess of Terabithia when he's the king.
Critic (as May Belle): Wait, doesn't that technically make me your your daughter?
Critic (as Jess): Look, my best friend's dead and my teacher's hitting on me. I don't know what's normal anymore!
- The Critic stating that Disney wanted to show kids that death could take them from their happiness at any time. What follows is his version of ''When You Wish Upon a Star."
Critic: When you wish upon a... THE REAPER'S COMING BITCHES! HIDE!
The Shining Mini-Series
- The new stop-motion, Nostalgia-Ween opening in which a Nightmare Before Christmas-esque Nostalgia Critic gets shot by Pennywise the Clown who then lets out an evil laugh.
Pennywise: WAH HAH! WAH HAH! WAH HAH! WAH HA!
- The Critic gets so bored from the mini-series that it drives him to Jack Nicholson-levels of insanity. It's hilariously frightening!
- Critic mentioning that the filming location was built on "a harmless Indian Burial Ground that rests below the hulky remains of a burned down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans... and vampire puppies."
- The Critic discussing the Stephen King Miniseries and cutting into it for entertaining people which he himself does. He then asks Pennywise if he was in to help him through it and Pennywise's response is:
Pennywise: Oh, yes.
- Saying Danny's mouth looks like Napoleon Dynamite and that "funny-looking children have just as much a right to made fun of as any other person". Cut to a picture of Doug as a child in a children's camp.
- This gem from when Danny's attacked by the ghosts
- When a wasp nest that Danny picked up suddenly comes back to life:
God, it's like those replenishing bees from the Mega Man games. They just never die! Batman:
"Bees. My god.
- Critic's surprise that the mini-series doesn't take place in Maine.
- Malcolm's extreme Genre Savviness about the Black Dude Dies First trope.
- The ghosts trying to convince the couple to pay attention to them while the two are quietly talking in bed.
- Critic going to get a drink at the bar, manned by Dominic from Video Game Confessions, spoofs the similar scene from the Kubrick movie as well. Dominic does reveal to the Critic that there is no bar... but the Critic is instead drinking out of the toilet!
- The Nostalgia Critic complaining about Stephen King putting blood and teeth on things that aren't scary.
Oh, for God's sake, just because you put blood or teeth on something doesn't mean we're going to be automatically frightened by it. I mean can you think of an instance where you just took something random and you put blood or teeth on it and that instantly wor— [cut to the poster of Teeth] Critic:
Dah! That was different
- Rachel tricking the crazed Critic by throwing the baseball bat in a room and locking him in. The Nostalgia Critic's reaction to being fooled is priceless.
- The fact that they re-enacted the terrifying staircase scene with Wendy and Jack, down to the same physical motions and tone, only for Rachel suddenly go "Okay!" and fling the bat behind her.
- The Critic trying to smash his way through the door to get at Rachel... by using a toy mallet that squeaks each time it smacks the door.
- Malcolm really wants to try pumpkin-flavored food.
- This gets brought up again when the review recreates the typewriter room scene:
- Speaking of the typewriter scene:
''All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit. All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit. (Repeat 4 million times) You know, I could really go for some Pumpkin Tacos... Eh, Fuck it. All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit.
- The Critic imagining what A Trip to the Moon would be like if Georges Méliès had simply talked about everything that happened rather than actually showing it.
Critic as Méliès: So they got in this very flat, stange-looking device that kinda looked like a penis...
- The Critic adding in cartoon sound effects to Jack beating Dick to death with a croquet mallet... and once again adding in the Colm Wilkinson sound from his Les Mis review into it at the end.
- The Critic comments on how he could have joked about "a tiny little boy talking to a big black Dick" but opted not to. He did, however, play numerous clips that presented him with the opportunity.
Gimme a blast!/You gonna come down to St. Pete with me-/Nobody's gonna tell your daddy anything/Just look the other way and count to 10./Bet you just about grow in the damn dark!/Just promise me you won't go in./This is between you and me. Danny:
What do you want me to think? Dick:
Anything as long as it's hard! Critic: I should get a medal for how many I'm avoiding
- Critic chasing Malcolm while the two argue about black people dying in horror movies, which turns into them wondering why people thought AVP: Alien vs. Predator was that bad.
- When the Critic realizes Stephen King did something better than Stanley Kubrick (Jack's character), he sits down to process the information. Cue a shot of him with the same face as Jack when found frozen while Rachel and Malcolm decide to just leave him there.
- On the tour of people who died in the hotel, pointing out the kitchen where a woman cooked her husband and exclaiming that he was delicious.
- When Danny tries to access a room, the Critic edits a commercial for the Encyclopedia Britannica.
- The mockery of the mini-series version of the topiary scene, capped off with mocking the terrible CGI when they start moving. And when the topiary trees are first shown, Critic dubs over the scene with music from Edward Scissorhands.
- After the earlier topiary scene with Jack:
Critic (as Jack):
Ooh, I'm gonna write a Doctor Who episode
about this! (imitates Curly noises)
- At the end the Critic is seen in a 1920-esque picture labled "Weird symbolic picture to confuse you" with a funny face and he remarks: I don't care if this doesn't make any sense. At least it's scary.
Why Do We Love Zombies?
- Critic starting to say his "Boomer...will live!" running gag, yet stopping and then stating that he already did a "Zuul Motherfucka Zuul" joke in the previous review and it should hold the audience over.
- "This looks like a job for my fighting stool!"
- When George dies, Cinema Snob makes note that unfortunately, the rest of the movie must go unHeard. He also sniffles as he laments not having an opportunity to do a Home Alone joke.
- When we are introduced to George, as he's hitting on Nova, Cinema Snob notes that John Heard's performance sounds more like the leftover audio of Krusty the Clown's belches.
- About Tara Reid's performance:
Critic: You know, Tara. I'm aware that you're in a movie called "Sharknado", and you're not gonna use your A-Material, but can you at the very least muster up a "D Minus" performance?
- Then cutting to the Tara Reid sketch: The Creepy Monotone speaking Tara Reid (Rachel Tietz) is seen with the director (Brad Jones) trying to act out.
Director: Tara, I know you're trying to convey actual human emotion, but I swear to Christ, if you don't get this right, I am gonna replace you with a lamp.
Rachel (as Tara): (in monotone) I understand.
Director: Look, just try to convince me that you're not an alien, so we can get throught this and call it a night, OK?
Rachel (as Tara): Got it. [she takes out her phone] Let me call my acting coach. To help me out.
Director: Whatever you need.
- Cue her talking to her "acting coach", in reality an Alien-Commander (who turns out to be Kristen Stewart (also Rachel Tietz) reading a script labled: Stephenie Meyer's Caligula: A fisting full of sparkles).
Director: Alright, you ready, Tara?
Rachel (as Tara): (normal voice) Yes.
'Rachel (as Tara): [wooden] Oh no, a sharknado. [She turns around and pulls her hair off to the side, showing the back of her neck]
Director: Cut! Well, she's awful, but she's gotta a damn good back of a neck. On with the next scene!
- When the shark lands on the roof of the car and bites through the roof, it shouts, "CANDYGRAM, ASSHOLE!"
- The MythBusters segment.
- "We will see if we can blow up a tornado filled with sharks!"
- "Is it possible to set water on fire?"
Adam: Hey, Jamie. A lot of people are wondering "Is it possible to set the water on fire?"!
Jamie: (drunk) Who the hell is wondering that?!
Adam: Let's check in with the random hot chick.
Random Hot Chick: I have a Ph.D, you know?
Jamie: Whatever, just say some puns.
Random Hot Chick: Uhm... Now we are really in hot water.
Jamie: I'm gonna go kill myself in my trailer.
- "Help! I accidentally buried my leg in the sand and nobody thinks it's funny!"
- Critic and Snob's attempts to come with with names for movies by combining random words together.
- Fin chopping a motherfucking FLYING SHARK in half with a chainsaw, while already hilariously awesome◊, is made all the more-so with the return of "I'm The Motherfucking T-REX Theme" Song dubbed in by The Critic.
- The Wicked Shark of the West.
- Outright booing some of the plot points, including Nova being pulled out of the exact same shark Finn jumped into and sliced open, miraculously unharmed, as well the ending card reading "Fin."
- Logic of Itchy and Scratchy cartoons, DON'T FAIL ME NOW!
- The Cinema Snob mentions that besides the titular "sharknado", the second most epic thing ever is in this movie: Tara Reid's credit. Cut to the Foamy Mouth Guy screaming and collapsing.
- The Critic wonders if John Heard was actually cast as George or the crew just stumbled on him at the bar. Cinema Snob counters that he actually came as part of a normal B-movie package. We next see Malcolm on the phone, asking about the various B-movie packages that The Asylum offers:
- For the Gold Package, you get: the special effects team that did Ghost Shark, a guaranteed sequel (even if the first movie is a Box Office Bomb), and for no additional charge, we'll throw in a role for John Heard.
- For the Silver Package, you get: The leftover CGI from Reboot, a Direct-to-DVD release, and a cameo by Billy Zane.
- For the Bronze Package, you get: Gary Busey. This one makes Malcolm shudder, and immediately go for the Gold Package.
- When seeing all the sharks (practically packed fin-to-fin) trying to swim away from the tornado at the beginning, the Critic quips "Maybe they're on their way to buy Grand Theft Auto V."
- When Nova has an Oh, Crap! moment by by running out of shotgun shells while cornered by a Threatening Shark, George saves her by smacking away the shark with just a bar stool, causing the Critic to quip "Well, you've just witnessed the most embarrassing moment of your life!"
Critic: Pick one.
- When the characters get a gas leak in the car, we never see a spark but the car still explodes for no reason. The Critic and Snob wonder if gasoline is the nitroglycerine of sensitive liquids in the world of crappy movies. We cut to Malcolm walking up to his car with a gas jug. He unscrews the safety cap to the tank, and the car blows up even though the gas can isn't even touching the car.
- After the wind blows out a woman out the window, the Critic says, "Was that the wind that took her out or a Photoshop arrow?" The scene is replayed, but with a computer cursor clicking on the girl and dragging her out.
- When Fin shoots down a shark with a handgun, the dog from Duck Hunt picks up the shark.
- Pointing out the ludicrous Hollywood Science of the climax.
: Deedee! I'm surprised at how little you know of Sharknado Science.
Should We Scare the S*** Out of Our Kids?
- The Headless Horseman from the Disney cartoon is shown carrying the Nostalgia Critic's head in the thumbnail of the video.
- Three words: JELLY SIDE DOWN!!!
- The setup alone is pretty hilarious. The Nostalgia Critic, the Devil, Santa Christ and Rita Repulsa are stuck in an elevator. It's like the opening to a classic joke.
- Keep watching Santa Christ in that opening shot. He's on his phone, glances over at Rita Repulsa's ridiculously protruding chest, and raises his eyebrows before subtly pivoting to snap a photo just as the lights go out. He does it again- far less subtly- when the movie starts playing.
- After the "important looking opening text", NC mention that it was important because without it, you never would have worked out that the Devil is bad. Then Satan explodes out with (Malcolm's delivery really sells it):
- The Checklist of Cliched Characters, particularly Rita cutting in at the end:
- The twist after the credits that it was Cthulhu who was behind everything. Cue a transformation from Rita Repulsa's corpse into a very unconvincing Cthulhu.
- It becomes even more hilarious if you have actually read the original short story and are familiar with H. P. Lovecraft's description of him as "a mountain", not to mention the whole thing about him being trapped in the sunken city of R'lyeh who easily destroyed a group of sailors and left the one survivor to such madness as to turn his hair white. Here, it's just a guy in a robe and a not very convincing tentacle mask.
- It's also a call-back to Santa Christ's screenplay, which is almost the exact same as Devil except with Cthulhu as the killer.
- Which becomes even more hilarious when you've read Lovecraft's stories and realize it makes even less sense than what the Devil is shown doing in the film.
- The Devil reveals that he put selfies in the Paranormal Activity movies. Cue a clip of the movie interspersed with pictures of him goofing off in front of scenery, complete with goofy music to match.
- The Running Gag of the other characters turning to the Devil in Stunned Silence when they see what the version of him in the film gets up to, such as biting people, putting the aforementioned selfie in, and appearing like Jack Skellington wrapped ductape. Eventually he gets to anticipate this and says in exasperation, "And turn," as Critic and Santa Christ turn to confront him yet again.
- After Santa Christ and Critic still question all the holes in Satan's impractical approach of killing five people with a camera recording:
Satan: Look. I just need a "Stupid Day". You know how some companies have "Funny Hat Day" or "Casual Clothes Day". Well I have "STUPID DAY", When I pick ONE DAY and don't do anything that makes sense whatsoever.
Santa Christ: ... You're really bad at this.
Satan: SHUT UP!!
Santa Christ: (to himself) ...[I've] had bowls of oatmeal more threatening than him.
- "Find her! Find Judge Judy! Check every hair and dye salon in toooooown!"
- The return of Amon!M. Night Shyamalan.
- Not to mention:
M. Night Shyamalan
: I am still the master of twists. If you could think of a better one for my movie, I'd like to hear it. Nostalgia Critic:
Well, how 'bout if Crazy Toast Guy was the Devil? M. Night Shyamalan
: ...Actually, that's kind of brilliant. Nostalgia Critic:
He knows how the Devil works, he could do all that without getting caught, there's not a ton of video footage of him prancing around like a paparazzi whore
- Santa Christ's frustration with the superstitious guard boils over: "Oh, for the love of ME, will you stop giving him attention!"
- After Satan's death, the Critic and Santa Christ freak out and think the other is the killer. Then the Critic goes into fridge logic if Santa Christ was the murderer, he just murdered SATAN. Which is a very good thing.
- And Santa Christ's threats. "Don't make Santa Christ gut you like a baby seal!" and "Don't make me fill you full of ho-ho-holes!!"
- The sudden twist that the "help voice" was Evilina. There was never anything wrong with the elevator and she was just stalling to ensure they got through the whole movie. Then instead of just letting them down she starts pressing random buttons because they're shiny.
- This line, when the Devil, actually M. Night Shyamalan, gets back up:
- The Devil and Santa Christ's deaths; the first turns into a skeleton and crumbles to pieces while the latter had a safe dropped on his head. In an elevator.
- Even though played just a little more straight than those two examples, the first death (Rita) is still pretty funny - the body is sprawled in the corner with the most hilarious expression on their face, and it soon becomes a Running Gag when the remaining passengers look at the corpse before cringing in disgust.
- This line, after the old lady who is The Devil in the film leaves the elevator:
- Amon Shyamalan reaction to the Devil disguising himself as Santa Christ to lure him out
Amon Shyamalan: That sounds needlessly complicated, can I steal that?
- The Critic makes a joke about how people didn't seem to think it important enough to phone the police to report a bread truck with a dead guy embedded on it like Wile E. Coyote with a driver who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth, rolling backwards into oncoming traffic, bouncing off cement blocks into the parking lot of somebody's store, probably because they thought it was the Bread-truck-with-a-dead-guy-embedded-on-it-like-Wile-E.-Coyote-with-a-driver-who-seems-to-have-disappeared-off-the-face-of-the-Earth-rolling-backwards-into-oncoming-traffic-bouncing-off-cement-blocks-into-the-parking-lot-of-somebody's-store man.
Santa Christ: Oh hey, you got those in your town too?
- Santa Christ informs the others that this movie was meant to be the first in a series of movies. He's then asked why there aren't more of them.
- The Stinger involving the Critic plugging Gameception in a very rapid-fire manner.
Dawn of the Commercials
- The beginning of the episode, where the Critic is greeted by a large cheering audience, a lá The Pope.
- In the Diet Coke promotional tie-in for Batman Returns, someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply. What's the Caped Crusader going to do? Stop rioters? Catch the culprit responsible for all this? Fuck, no, he's going to get himself some DIET COKE!!!!
Critic (as Batman):
Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet Coke! I need my Diet Coke!! I need my fucking Diet COKE!!! [His Batmobile pushes cars aside like bowling pins]
Goddamn traffic, get out of the way! I need my fat-free alternative to high fructose deliciousness! [Alfred comes on the car videophone] Alfred:
Sir, don't you think you're taking this a little too far? Critic (as Batman): [breaks the radio]
Fuck you, Mr. Belvedere
! DIET COOOOOOOOOOKE!!!!!!
- When the sexual harassment PSA is brought up, the Critic makes note that the commercials would not work if the roles were reversed. Not because A Man Is Always Eager, but that men are Oblivious to Love when on the receiving end of flirtation. This leads to a Running Gag for the remainder of the video in which Rachel Tietz dons green-face to become the Wicked Witch of the West and sexually harasses various men... who fail to notice her interest. Even after she explicitly says she wants to have sex with them.
- The problem with those "Milk: It Does a Body Good" commercials, that the Critic notes, is that on a closer look, they are all totally based on appearances alone. In fact, one of them even flat out states that looks are everything, and personality is nothing. To demonstrate what would really happen to the siblings in the commercials, they do a spoof in which Rachel plays the little sister, and Doug plays the big brother. Rachel tells him about how milk helps her grow in appearance... and then she slowly begins to become more of a shallow trophy wife bitch as she grows up... which eventually leads to her downward spiral of drug addiction, a mental breakdown, and an attempted suicide... a stint in rehab explaining it was all part of God's plan, only to relapse and end up as a filthy broken mess, with only her glass of milk that started her descent into misery as her only friend. Horrified, her "brother" leaves, while Chester A. Bum tries to kick Rachel out, only for Rachel to hiss at him, sending him running.
- The Critic's reaction to the Denny's commercial that advertised their special Red, White, and Blue Pancakes.
- Especially considering that very advert used to run on TGWTG's videos.
- The Broken Pedestal that sets in for a minute as the Critic replays the same one-second clip of the old man. Then averted as the Critic just rolls with it.
- A What If scenario take on one of the Manchild produced by the Toys-R-Us motto being taken too seriously, and his mother wondering where she went wrong.
- After criticizing the Toys-R-Us song for encouraging adults not to grow up, the Critic becomes upset when told that their mascot Geoffrey the Giraffe is not real.
- Also, he gets more upset at the fact that Geoffrey isn't real than the fact that almost none of the products shown in the commercial are actually sold at Toys-R-Us.
- KIX was the cereal that had commercials that more or less had every single reason not to purchase it. It basically tasted like packing peanuts:
Child 1: There's no candy stuff!
Child 2: No sugar sprinkles.
Child 3: No preservatives.
Child 4: No colors.
Child 5: It doesn't have any candy or chocolate in it...
Critic (as Child 6): Honestly it's just rabbit droppings that they painted yellow, but the box is pretty!
- The Critic does a step-by-step video demonstration of what happens to your taste buds when you eat KIX:
- "The first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying."
- "Notice how the smile has deteriorated by 50% on the second bite, signifying less enjoyment out of the experience."
- "The third bite clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth. Surely part of the box must've worked its way onto the spoon."
- "Clearly they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts. This mistake will not be made again."
- The tagline may be "KIX, Kid Tested, Mother Approved," but a more appropriate one in the Critic's mind would be "KIX. Kids tolerate it, mother has coupons."
- The Critic thinking FHE, the video suppliers of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VHS were complete liars in akin to Spaceballs after the announcer calls it "the video that reveals the incredible true story!"
Um, I'm not a scientist or anything but I'm just gonna take a wild
guess that the insane adventures of four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army led by Uncle Phil
probably, PROBABLY takes place in the world of fiction.
- Or, how he enjoys the fact the announcer has no problem lying to kids that the events in the video are true, but the announcer actually stumbles partway through reading the show title, as if he realized how stupid it sounded halfway through but pressed on: "Teenage Mu... Oh God. What were you guys smoking? ...uh, Ninja Turtles."
- The Take Care Of Me Twins.
- The Shoot Me! face the girl makes in the commercial.
Just look at the smile she gives
. That is the smile of "I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me."
- The Critic's reaction to a Canadian commercial that begins with a baby shower and ends up being about rape.
- He then sets up a similar situation of two men working at an ordinary office job and talking over the water cooler. Doug talks about how he's drinking mountain water, "Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction." In response, Malcolm reveals that he has pancreatic cancer. Cue the awkward look from Doug as text appears on the bottom of the screen revealing that 45,220 men get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada.
- To bring the point home, the Critic plays the "Blame Canada" song from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut over the commercial.
- His horrified reactions to the live-action version of Count Chocula.
: What the hell is that?! It's like a silly putty combo of the Nesquick Rabbit and Fat "Weird Al" Yankovic
! And okay... that chin seriously needs to be censored. I swear I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now and that should NOT be under the chin of any cereal mascot.
- During the Chef Boyardee Tic Tac Toe pasta commercial, he mentions how the kid's facial expression upon seeing the thing is like he's seeing Jesus and wanted to eat Him. And to bring the point home, he adds a raptor-esque snarl at the scene.
- In the same commercial, he calls out the commercial for turning dinnertime into a competitive sport (with lines like "And when you get three x's or o's on your spoon, you win!" or "First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!"). Critic supplies his own rules for competitive eating involving this type of pasta:
Malcolm!Announcer: Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!
- After undramatically revealing what his next review will be, Critic wonders what he can do for a dramatic cliffhanger when suddenly:
The Devil: [barges into room] I'm pregnant! [cue dramatic chord and cut to Critic with shocked expression on his face]
Man of Steel
- The opening song comparing Superman and Batman.
- The video credits:
with Doug Walker
Superman is Batman
Director: Tommy Wiseau
- Angry Joe pretending to be the Critic's father, Joe El, in a Superman spoof. Critic doesn't go for it.
- And then he expresses disbelief that Critic doesn't know what movie he's talking about, while Critic says he does know, he was just trying to build dramatic tension.
- When Nostalgia Critic starts to compare Michael Shannon's voice to a bulldog, Joe snaps back at him.
- The exchange below.
Zod: You believe your son is safe? I will find him.
Lara (voiced by the Critic): Sorry, didn't quite catch that.
Zod: I will find him.
Lara: No, still didn't get it.
Zod: I will find him.
Lara: Mm, still not coming through. Tell you what, say it as loud and ridiculously hammy as your cartoonishly large eyes and mouth will allow.
Lara: Now I hear you. No, you won't. Bye!
- The "Nolan Ray", a device that makes everyone take the movie too seriously.
- I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS!
- Eventually reaches Brown Note levels just from the high volume alone.
- Angry Joe flashing back to a Hilariously Abusive Childhood involving a lobster costume and nipple tasers.
- And Doug!Zod writes his traumatic rambles down as another means to torture the Critic if he says something positive about Man of Steel!
- When Clark meets the hologram of his father, played by Russell Crowe:
- The return of General Zod, threatening the Critic for saying something positive about Man of Steel.
- Superman shows up to save Critic from Zod, who has come after him for giving a middle-of-the-road opinion on the movie. When Zod reminds him of Thou Shalt Not Kill, Superman instead aims his laser vision downward. Cue a startled gasp from Zod, and then cut to Doug!Batman at a coffee house.
- The explanation for why the movie keeps randomly zooming in during action scenes? The cinematographer's daughter was screwing around with the zoom button on his camera while he tried getting it away from her.
Cinematographer: (while Zack Snyder watches the footage, mouth agape)
...I can explain— Snyder:
(astounded) I love this... Cinematographer: I knew you would!
- "...WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?!"
- Boomer will... [quickly] be saved by John, even though it would've been a lot easier if he just sent Clark in to go get him, causing John to hurt his leg unable to make it back in time, but he stops Clark from saving him because he's an attention hungry martyr who doesn't want Clark to be outed, even though he's going to be outed just a few years later anyway.
- When Zod is giving his global message:
By the way, thank Nash for the microphone. It works great. Nash:
Glad you like it, Tyrannical Overlord! (gives thumbs up)
- The Critic's less than tactful description of the scene where Jonathan Kent tells Clark saving the kids from the bus crash might not have been the right thing to do: "Jon Kent says drown the bastards."
- How the critic wishes for Jor-El to be his AI partner the next time he plays a video game.
- The Critic making fun of the way Lois hits on Clark... And then takes a jab at Angry Joe.
What does the "S" stand for? Superman:
It's not an "S". On my world it means "hope". Lois:
Well... Here it's... An "S". Critic:
Ooohh... I could look at your "S" all day
You've done worse. [cut to Angry Joe dancing to "Ass & Titties"]
- The Running Gag revolving around Lois being completely useless for Zod's team.
Rachel (as Faora): You will stay here until we remember the incredibly important reason why we brought you on board. [Muffled voice as the door closes] Does anyone remember why we brought her on board?!
- Before that, she complains about Amy Adams' portrayal.
Rachel (as Faora):
We also got Julie & Julia
on Planet Krypton. You
will pay for costing Meryl Streep
an Oscar. Rachel (as Lois):
As if she doesn't have enough! Rachel (as Faora):
- Rob!Zod complaining about using the background with the lifeless Earth and sea of skulls to convince Superman. Cut to "the happy program"... which features dancing bunnies, smiling flowers and a unicorn riding a marshmallow rainbow.
- When it's revealed that both Superman and Lois were brain-scanned, the Critic jokes that maybe Zod's got the correct imagery this time.
Rob (as Zod): [as he stands in front of the girly background] You see, Ms. Lane, all of this and more can be yours if you just give us the information we require...
'Rachel (as Lois): [gleefully] Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow?!
Rob (as Zod): Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow.
- Critic and Angry Joe letting their inner Manchild take over as they gush about a fight scene.
- Earlier on, the Critic mocks the overabundance of Product Placement in this scene by having a narrator speak over it. The placements go by so fast that he can't even keep up. At the end of it, there's even a message that states in bold letters "SUPERMAN DRINKS PEPSI!", causing the narrator to go "Oh, now you're not even trying!"
- The Critic notes Hans Zimmer's overuse of the, as he puts it, BWOWM sound effect, and how it would translate to non action movies, specifically if he did the scoring for a Peanuts special, by renaming it, "You're a good man, Charlie BWOWM!"
- When Superman has a last talk with AI!Jor-El, he encourages his son to do whatever he can to save people.
Top 12 Santa Clauses
- Starting the review by turning himself into a human rocket and shouting "CHRISTMAS!"
- When mentioning how much he loves Christmas...
"If I could find a way to kidnap Christmas, tie it up in my basement, visit it every night and chop off a little bit of its body to consume it so I could slowly become Christmas... I wouldn't because that's gross, but nevertheless, I fucking love it!"
- Criticizing the real Santa Claus in The Nightmare Before Christmas for being grumpy and unpleasant...
"... which... is understandable — he is being kidnapped and held hostage..."
Eight Crazy Nights
[title changes to "Menáge a 'Twas the Night Before Christmas"]
- The start of the review, with the Critic commenting how hard it is to be Jewish with religious persecution, crazy antisemitic rantings,note etc. However, the catalyst is the movie, which the Critic deems as the worst holiday movie he's ever seen, so he understands if the viewer decides to watch something else. Cue the "cursor" clicking another window and watching a Christmas porno titled Jingle Bell Cock.
What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny? Critic: Or
, seeing how it's the holidays
, you can sit and watch the movie with me. This is Eight Crazy Nights
. Pornstar Malcolm:
Oh. It's that
kind of movie. Pornstar Rachel:
Oh. Pete, change the title?
- All his rants about Whitey Duvall's voice.
I mean, this is a character that was in 70%
of the movie? Thank god they found a voice so charming and so beloved to listen to.
Just listen to how not
earbleedingly bad it is to listen to. [shows some clips of Whitey with his annoying voice]
Enjoy how he is in no way worse than Jar Jar Binks singing Bjork, while scratching a blackboard with a screaming baby during a fire alarm in a house of howling mental patients.
- The phone conversation he has with (Doug imitating) Adam Sandler. The fact that Sandler is portrayed as being polite and mild-mannered makes it even funnier despite the Critic's hatred of him:
...In fact, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions. I'm just gonna call Mr. Sandler right now, to figure out who did that voice. [does so] Sandler:
Mr. Sandler? Sandler:
Nostalgia Critic, long-time admirer of your genius. Uh, listen, I just have one question for you — who was that inspired
old man who portrayed Whitey in Eight Crazy Nights? Sandler:
Uh... actually, I got a little secret for ya. It wasn't an old man at all. Critic: [faking]
No, actually this will totally blow your mind. Iiiit's me. Critic:
Yep. It's meeee
! Critic: Noooo! Sandler:
Preeety amazing, huh? Critic:
Mr. Sandler, I think I speak for all the world when I say that we, as a species, have seen actors become other people. But YOU, sir, YOU have taken it to a whole new level! You are like some sort of mutant chameleon that we cannot see just become other things! Other entities! Sandler:
Uh, oooh... Thank you so very much— Critic:
Oh my god! And your CHOICE to have him in the majority of this film so that we can hear your BEEAUTIFUL instrument, I just have to say: THANK YOU! THANK YOU
, on behalf of ALL the world for letting us be a part of this MAGIC! Sandler:
Oooh, I, uuhhhh... That's very kind of you to say— Critic:
FUCK MEL BLANC! Sandler:
Uh... What? Critic:
THE MAN OF A THOUSAND VOICES! THE VOICE OF ALL THE LOONEY TUNES?! FUCK HIM!
HE IS SHIT
COMPARED TO YOUR GENIUS! Sandler:
Uh... boy... whaaat? That's going a little far there... Critic:
NONONO! IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GET HIS BODY, AND PUT LITTLE UPSIDE-DOWN CROSSES ON IT, TO ASSURE THAT HE IS ROTTING IN HELL
BECAUSE HE EVEN ATTEMPTED TO BE THE BEST WHEN HE KNEW THAT AT ONE POINT YOU WOULD BE BORN TO BRING US THIS WHITEY VOICE, IS AN INSULT
AND I WOULD DO IT TO HIM TO MAKE SURE THAT HE SUFFERS FOR EVEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING EVEN BETTER THAN YOU! Sandler:
Ooooh, uuuhhh... You're going a little overboard— Critic:
MIIIIISTER SANDLER! Sandler:
Oooookay, I— Critic:
IT WOULD BE AN HOOOONOR... Sandler:
You need to calm down— Critic:
TO DIG UP THE CORPSE OF MEL BLANC... Sandler:
Uuuuh, it's... I— Critic:
SO THAT YOU COULD TAKE YOUR DICK
AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS
...Oh god— Critic:
BECAUSE THAT... IS HOW LITTLE
OF A CANDLE HE HOLDS TO YOU... Sandler:
Uh, that's... Critic: HE HOLDS TO YOU! Sandler:
AND YOUR BRILLIANCE FOR WHITEY FROM EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS!
Sandler: I, uuuhhhh... that's not really necessary—
Critic: IT WOULD BE AN HONOR!
Sandler: Please stop saying that—
Critic: AN HONOR, SIR!!!
Sandler: (beat) Okaaay... you're scaring me, and... I'm gonna go. [hangs up]
Critic:''' THAAANK YOOOU, SAAANDLEEER!!!!!
- Some more parts of the rant about Whitey's voice include:
Critic: So, what's the only thing worse than listening to Whitey's door-nail-in-your-brain voice? How about if he sings with that door-nail-in-your-brain voice? (Whitey sings a song. He hits a high 'E', and the Critic's ears explode) Aaand there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore. (sighs in relief) Ah, that's nice.
- The Critic saying that even Gollum would be pissed off at Whitey for ruining an emotional scene with his annoying voice.
Gollum: Christ, buddy. You're killing Hanukkah!
- After Davey's home is burnt down by another guy, Whitey offers him to stay at his place.
Whitey: What other options do you have?
Critic: You mean between "Freezing to death outside" and "listening to your voice"? (starts singing with glee) Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
- He also compares Sandler voicing Davey in his normal voice, and voicing Whitey in a high-pitched voice that's still obviously the same voice as Davey's, to Christopher Walken dubbing all the characters in a Popeye cartoon. The execution is glorious.
Olive Oyl... lets say you and I have sex and stuff. Walken Bluto:
Olive Oyl, I'll also wanna bang you. Walken Olive Oyl:
AOOH dear! Well, I've got a thing for Elephant Man syndrome
. So, I'll guess I'll choose you. Walken Popeye:
Me? Okay, well I'm gonna do this weird thing where I'm naked and suddenly I'm not and BLOW! Critic
: You just... never know it was him the whole time!
- The Critic pointing out how annoying it is for Whitey to tell Davey's tragic backstory by comparing it to having Chris Tucker announce the death of your parents.
Malcolm (as Tucker):
OH MY GOD! YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD! ONE MINUTE THEY'RE FINE, THEN BOOM! GONE! THEY BLOWED UP! GONE IN A FIREY INFERNO! KFP: KENTUCKY FRIED PARENTS! CRISPY! EXTRA FRIED! OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GONE! GONE FOREVER! LIKE ME AND RUSH HOUR 4
! EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT 'CAUSE JACKIE
'S LIKE A FAJILLION YEARS OLD NOW, BUT HE COULD STILL KICK MY ASS! OH MY GOD! YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!
- "Ah, yes, and Eleanor's cry-snorting [throughout] makes the scene even more powerful. Jesus fuck, what do they do for an encore? Read The Diary of Anne Frank?" Cut to Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl (As Read by Whitey)
Critic (as Whitey): ....Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart.
Critic (as Eleanor): [cry-snorts]
Critic (as Whitey): Quiet, Eleanor, you're ruining the weight of my incredibly dramatic voice! [gibberish]
- After Davey makes an inappropriate comment in court, the Critic jokes that it will be yet another classic holiday phrase.
- About the Product Placement in the movie:
- Whitey takes Davey to the Mall. Why?
So what's good about this place? Critic (as Whitey): Product Placement!
No, I'm not even kidding! We let our sponsors do us like backdoor whores! Look at some of these!
- The Critic apologizing to Man of Steel for its Product Placement, after Eight Crazy Nights turns out to be much more blatant about it.
"Baby! I'm so sorry! I mean, I thought your product placement was the worst, but after seeing this... you go and be subtle, I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this."
- And when the product logos actually come to life and sing a song, Critic decides that if the movie is whoring itself out this much, he may as well follow suit and has sex with the movie.
- Of course, the entire "sex scene" happens off-screen. We just hear the sounds of it (with the Critic literally banging the movie against the bed and throwing it out the window) while Rachel casually remains in place texting on her cell phone.
- The funny hatred of Happy Madison audiences continues, this time with a rather dim quartet of immature gigglers incapable of understanding any joke greater than a poop joke. He eventually gets fed up with their idiocy and kills them by luring them to laugh at his poop in the bathroom, which he throws a grenade in.
- The Critic wonders what the thought process was for making the movie if it required four writers:
Critic: DUHHH, WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table) WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table again) WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table yet again) DUHHH, I WRITE POOP!!!
- At the end of the review, the Critic gives his condolences to his Jewish audience about having few movies based around Hannukah by showing them a picture of Adolf Hitler crucified on a menorah. And then he shows Adam Sandler crucified on the menorah.
Critic: And... Now here is one with Adam Sandler. That one wasn't for you. That was... definitely for me.
- The Critic's reaction that Davey in the film had a well-built figure and compares Davey in the movie with a photo he found on the Internet with Sandler with a bloated stomach on the beach note .
Boy. A guy who the movie says has been drinking for 20 years looks pretty damn ripped, isn't he? You know, for a movie that obviously tried to make Adam Sandler's character look like Adam Sandler, I don't
think that's what he looks like with the shirt off. Can we get visual confirmation of this? (pops up a picture of Adam Sandler at a pool◊)
There we go! Slight artistic liberties
. (later) Critic:
Sandler's super athletic body also has lightning fast reflexes and he outwits the cops. Nothing takes down the double chin with the Jacob style abs!!
- When mentioning how despite Davey's Freudian Excuse, he is still too much of a Jerkass to be a likeable character, he says that even the narrator from How the Grinch Stole Christmas! would rather choose the Grinch over him, leading to a parody of part of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch":
Critic (as Narrator):
And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the, uh... [an image of Davey pissed off appears on the screen]
no, I'm going with the green guy. At least he didn't make Jack and Jill
. (singing) That movie was shiiiiiit!
- When the Critic gets fed up with the awful voice acting and mutes the movie, he decides to give it a Gag Dub befitting the high-quality animation, with Davey as "Awesome Claus."
Hey, Awesome Claus, what'd you do today? Awesome Claus:
Well, I made Christmas a whole lot more awesome this year. Boy:
Really? And how did you do that? Awesome Claus:
Well, I kicked Ron Howard in the balls for making The Grinch,
shot every greedy fuckass who went shopping on Thanksgiving night, and produced eight Hanukkah movies that were actually funny to people who can count past the number four. Boy:
Wow! I think my balls just grew while talking to you! Awesome Claus:
It's all part of spending millions of dollars to animate something that actually makes an impact on somebody's life. I'm Awesome Claus.
- The Critic's comments about the judge at Davey's sentencing hearing being more interested in giving exposition than he is sentencing people, and parodies it when the judge starts explaining Whitey's backstory:
Critic: Whitey, you're as hard to figure out as the origin of my tie... which of course started to be worn in Europe during the Thirty-Years War. What? You don't know what the Thirty-Years War is? Well, let's start from the beginning. Years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...
Why Lie About Santa?
The Worst Christmas Special EVER!
- When the mayor gives Mrs. Mavilda money in money bags, he gives her two bags full of money. During this time, the Critic notes three things, all of which are outright funny:
- The first is that when the Mayor says, "I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [beat that happens from out of nowhere and for no reason] And still some left for their Christmas presents," the Critic thinks that the Mayor had a Vietnam flashback. So the scene is replayed, with an image of a helicopter exploding playing during the pause in the Mayor's dialogue.
- The second is that he doesn't even give an actual amount of money, just saying the number of bags. The Critic thinks the Mayor doesn't measure actual amounts of money, rather that he actually measures money in bag size. We cut to a sketch in which the Mayor tries to pass a convenience store cashier (played by Rachel) a check for two money bags. She refuses to accept it by saying she wants an actual amount, until he frightens her into taking it by shouting "I use money bags!" After that, he says, "Now if you'll excuse me, my ride is waiting." He's then seen driving away in a Monopoly game piece.
- The third is that later in that conversation, Judy shows up and the dialogue the Mayor says is, "I'm glad those poor little things aren't going to have to spend another winter in patches and rags. By the way, where's Judy? Oh, Mrs. Kindle!" The Critic is startled by Judy's sudden appearance:
- Also, him calling the money bags "millionaire duck money" with a picture of Scrooge McDuck holding money bags.
- Critic noting the bear's resemblance to Baloo.
Critic: Bare necessities! Your asses are my recipes! The simple bare necessities of DEATH!
- "Jesus, they couldn't make it a polar bear...even Santa Claus Conquers the Martians got that one right!"
- When the bear basically killed itself by not watching where it was going and tripping over the kids' dog, the Critic says this line:
Critic: In hindsight, I am a pretty dumb bear. [thud]
- After Lily's demise, Critic has this to say about Pappy's performance;
Critic: Oh, Jesus, kid, will somebody just try? Somebody? God, I'll juggle porcupines with my butt cheeks if I can just get one production assistant, or a cast member, or the director or SOMEBODY to say maybe...fucking MAYBE...WE SHOULD DO THAT TAKE AGAIN! Jesus H Jesus, can we just get somebody with SOME goddamn emotion?
- The stinger at the end, after the Critic introduces his parents.
Mr. Walker: Who the hell was that?
Mrs. Walker: [shrugs, mouths "I don't know"]
- When the Critic noted that one of the kids in the orphanage was rocking his head rather than clapping like the others. He then plays some heavy metal music over the scene and bobs his head in unison with the kid.
Critic: I LIKE DOGS!
- The Nostalgia Critic noting that not even Mario would buy the map that would help the kids get Santa's help.
Woah, that's a fucked
- The creepy way the children smile at Judy's kids, which the Critic cites as "Satanically hypnotizing them" complete with adding glowing red eyes.
- Anytime the Critic criticizes the film for not giving the characters any emotions.
Critic (as Ray Kindle): I'm gonna check with the doctor and see if I'm clinically still alive.
Critic (as Lily): Even in death I don't caaaaaaaare...
- He even comes to believe that when one boy speaks with an obviously pitch-corrected voice, he really is an extraterrestrial supervillain, who angrily drops the hologram and vows to return before beaming out.
: Okay... Zortor... Your impression of a small human child isn't fooling anybody. Critic (as Alien):
Curses! I'll get you next time, pitifully dumb humans! Hahahahaha!! (vanishes with a Jetson's flying saucer sound effect) Critic
: Speaking of which, there's a great irony that all
of these children are obviously voiced by horrible child actors, but one girl is clearly voiced by an eighteen-year-old. [...] Ok, pick one: Either horrible adult actors, horrible child actors or aliens trying to pose as children to take over the Universe
- After a couple glitches with the sound recording in Mrs. Mavilda's voice acting, he comes to believe she has a gaggle of Split Personalities she argues with. And that the girl she hired before Judy was one of them.
- Despite being struck by lightning near the end of the movie, the narrator insists that Mrs. Mavilda is perfectly fine afterwards. Of course, this doesn't slip past the Critic.
- Critic's complaint about the sloppy editing between the poker game and Judy telling the children about Christmas to where he adds a hilarious skit of Critic, Rachel and Malcolm in a love triangle which ends with Rachel about to hit Malcolm over the head with a baseball bat.
- I AM THE BARK OF SATAN! THOSE WHO WISH TO DEMEAN MY EVIL SHALL BE BLOODILY SMOTED!!
- The critic making fun of the sloppy ending.
Critic (as Santa): What's this shit on my shoulder? [Magic powder comes off and hits the children, giving them new clothes] Oh! I guess it does that.
- "You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonials of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal! The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer! Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent! My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about The Christmas Tree?"
- "...What the hell did you just say?"
- During Nostalgia Critic's Christmas speech, the camera briefly catches Malcolm, Rachel and Jim Jarosz, drinking and smoking pot before quickly throwing it away while the camera's away from them for the brief second and back on them, before they say their part of the speech.
Why is Arthur Christmas a Masterpiece?