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Conan the Barbarian
- "Oh, no, she's pulling me into Avatar! The visuals will be stunning, but the story will be absolute bullshit!"
- "Guys, I told you to watch the place while I was a snake! Can't a guy just be a snake for five minutes without something going wrong?"
- "Well, gee, when you put it like that...FUCK YOU!"
- His impersonation of Mako at the beginning of the review, that is all. Complete with him rushing to do the "worshipping Mako" pose from the Sidekicks review as soon as he mentions the name.
- "Conan the Cummer...Eww." Made even better with the Arnold clip from Pumping Iron where he compares working out to cumming, and the Critic has the most horrified expression on his face.
Witch: What is it that you seek?
Conan: A symbol... part of a shield. Two snakes coming together.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cumming in the gym, Im getting the feeling of cumming at home...
Critic: Okay, knock it off.
- "Ooh! I'd like to ask her for directions!"
- After the whole "Asking directions bit," his reaction to the woman disappearing.
- When Conan gets nailed to the cross:
- "Forgive them, Crom. They know not what they do."
- "Behold! We have reached Jerusalem! Wait, what?"
- His reaction to James Earl Jones turning into a snake. His lack of emotion makes it even better.
"....Well that's just silly."
- Wheel! Of! Torture!
- "Push wheel? Look, all I understand is wheels. Please, do you have a wheel? May I push it?"
- On that note:
"Thank you, Sir. May I have a wheel now?"
"Will you shut up about the wheel?!"
- And earlier:
"Wait, I said give the children candy, not chain them to a wheel of torture for the rest of their lives!" (beat) "How did you even hear that?"
- When James Earl Jones urges a woman to jump off a cliff through his Cult of Personality, Goofy screams. Even if you don't know where it's from, it's still hilarious.
- When Conan is ordered to be crucified, it cuts away to Hedley Lamar dismissing the idea as "Too Jewish."
- The scene where Conan beheads James Earl Jones and then throws his head down the steps, dubbed over with "Ow. Ow. Owowowowowow."
- Critic's response with Conan's prayer that if Crom doesn't listen, then to hell with him: Imagining Conan praying to Crom for a chipmunk action figure from a happy meal, and if he gets a chippette... then to hell with Crom. He pulls a chippette.
Critic: (beat) TO HELL WITH YOU!!
Conan the Destroyer
- "From the director who brought you such classics as Red Sonja and Dr. Dolittle..."
- "It sucks BALLS! Let's watch it..."
- "Hail, Conan of Nazareth!"
- "Look at that, Abu. It's not everyday you see a horse with two rear ends!"
- "Hehehehehe! They got me because Rob Schneider was off making worse movies, a-hehehehehehehe!!"
- "Who said I was a woman?"
- "How do you attract a man?" "I spear him, gut him, then wear him."
- Sex Talk with Weasley Guy.
- Regarding the monster at the end...
"It looks like a Rankin-Bass stop motion puppet that was shat out by Swamp Thing."
"Boy, I feel a little weird saying this, but Conan is literally fighting a one-eyed, one-horned giant purple people eater. And you know what? It sure looks strange to me."
- The brief shot of the poster for Alvin and the Chipmunks during the scene where Mako's character uses his magic to have the leader of Dagoth worshippers see the thing he fears the most.
- "The God of Nonchalantness..."
- The teasing about the magic spell that simply makes a "ding" sound is notable too.
Lightning Mage Critic:
My magic produces lightning
! (uses force lightning) Fire Mage Critic:
MY Magic produces FIRE
! (creates a small burst of flame) Ding Magic Critic:
MY magic goes... (DING!) Other Mage Critics: (unimpressed) Ding Magic Critic: (produces several more dings before getting force lightning in the face)
- "Hey! It's the Burger King's mutilated brother! ... Daniel."
- When the wizard turns into a "hideous monster" to kidnap the princess. (cue Reading Rainbow theme)
End of Days
- Chester A. Bum as a priest.
- The Mad Tea Party scene.
- "I got no strings, to hold me down..." "Deh ah no strings on MEEEE!!!"
- As Arnold goes trough the bum priest's Room Full of Crazy with crosses scribbled on the walls:
Critic: Looks like Mel Gibson's house.
- "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
- The return of Santa Christ! Who is also afraid of the CAAAAT!
- "3-1-20". Which spells out CAAAAAT!
- His name for the 'drink'.
Critic: Big deal. Who hasn't has a Coffee-Beer-Pepto-Bismol-Chinese-Food-And-Pizza Slurpie. Or as I like to call it...Cbpbcfps.
- This exchange...
Marge Francis: The guy doesn't have a tongue.
Critic: (imitating Arnold) NEITHER DO I, BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP ME FROM SPEAKING, AGHAGHAGHAGH!!!
- And this one...
Hey Arnold, say it. Schwarzenegger
: No. Kevin Pollak
: Come on, just say it! Schwarzenegger:
No. Kevin Pollak:
I'll pay you 50 bucks if you say it. Schwarzenegger: (sighs) Get to the choppa
. Kevin Pollak:
Haha, you just made me splooge.
- "Alright, who crucified the patient?" (points offscreen) "Mark?"
- "Christine, please tell your mommy to stop beating me up! It hurts!"
- When Arnold encourages a subway driver to speed up and hit the villain: "IT'S OKAY! IT'S THE DEVIL!"
- Hello, random boob shot. Goodbye random boob shot.
- This line:
The Devil: Oh boy, I'm really bad at this. I can see why I was a fallen angel, 'cause I'm fallin' over everyth— (KABOOM)
- "GAH, HEARTBURN!!!"
- When the patients is crucified.
: Maybe he did it himself?! Oh, yeah! These self-crucifixions happen all the time, don't they?! Woman down the street? Crucifies herself all the time, I have to nail her too the floor to stop her. Not literally...
- When Satan randomly kisses a woman in a restaurant:
Husband: Hey, what the hell are you—
(Satan turns around and glares at the husband)
Critic (as husband) Whoa, Gabriel Byrne? I- I'm sorry. Continue groping my wife. Hey, everybody Gabriel Byrne is groping my wife! This is the happiest day of my li—
100th Episode: Battlefield Earth
- His attempt to do a clip show; the clip he uses rebels against him.
- Ma-Ti's conversation with Present Critic:
No, Critic. There is one movie that you have overlooked. A Sci Fi film that is so terrible, it makes my nipples tingle with fear!
- Not to mention his over the top presentation of the movie, as well as the Critic's equally-over-the-top reaction.
- Shaming the Present Critic:
What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls! Critic:
I do! My balls are still strong! And extremely plentiful!
- "It's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even 'handsomener'...'handsomen'...prettier." And later: "I am your Jesus."
- Spoony as Terl. 'Nuff said.
- The Critic introducing Forest Whitaker as "Forest What-The-Fuck-Am-I-Doing-Here".
- Critic has such an epic lapse in sanity from the sheer stupidity of this movie, that the camera has to speed up just to contain all his kicking and screaming.
Critic: (holds his head in his hands and groans) So, this military force of a planet, that has an atmosphere made out of radiation, has never had an explosion? This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's SHOOTING GALLERY, and yet there's NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOSION ON THIS PLANET?! They could look at a KITTEN, and somehow they'd make it blow up! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY! THERE'S NEVER BEEN AN EXP-WHAT?! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?! THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!' (speeds up as the Critic goes into meltdown mode)
- After that breakdown, he realizes that perhaps he has been attacking the movie from the wrong angle. He then proceeds to beat himself in the head with a hammer, though a rather amusing picture hides the actual beating. The result? "Dulhulhul...I like spaceships."
- And for anyone who was wondering just what exactly was being said in the rant, here it is slowed down.
- Him mocking the angle shots — by having him in an angle shot, trying to prevent himself from slipping. And then promptly failing.
Critic: Perhaps we could venture forth and find new worlds to explore, whaa— (goes offscreen)
- "D'oh! If only we weren't on a planet where everything was at an angle, we could shoot straight!"
- (imitating Travolta) "The very idea that I would go after a woman! (Beat) Me. John Travol—I, I mean, Terl the alien man. Yes."
- After Planet Psychlo explodes, cut to Daffy Duck/Duck Dodgers pushing Marvin the Martian off the tiny remains of the planet. "Thisph planet ain't big enough for the two of usph. Tpho, off you go!" (shove) In that same vein, the Yosemite Sam clip earlier on: "Gold, GOLD, GOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDDD!!!"
- The Critic's cross-eyed facial expression during the "REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA-..."-scene. (at the 10:15 mark).
- "Oh fuck you, Roger Christian, whoever the fuck you are!"
- "So we cut back to Johnny's village..." "Riiii-co-la!"
- "Yes we can!" (cut to clip of Barack Obama) "Yes! We! Can!"
- "Psychlo... really? C'mon, this is sounding like second-grade Fan Fiction. (high voice) 'They LIVE on the planet PSYCHLO, where the EVIL Meanosaurus and the NASTY Bandamagoo eat up ALL the Oompa-Loompas.'"
- The Critic's conversations with Terl:
- "I'm REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY ANGRY!"
Terl: Ha, a puny man-animal such as yourself couldn't possibly understand. We are far technologically superior. We have conquered dozens of species over hundreds of galaxies!... Or is that the other way around?
Critic: You couldn't conquer Rhode Island! You're completely useless!
- "Listen, you're probably figuring out by now that we Psychlos are not very smart. In fact, the only reason we're able to take over any galaxies at all is that we fart nuclear bombs out of our anuses." "Oh. So, none of this has to do with strategic planning or superior intellect?" "Nope, it's just FARTING BOMBS! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
- In his commentary for the episode, Doug says that editing Spoony's scenes was really hard because he couldn't stop laughing at the performance.
- "It looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet and now the whole damn thing's going to explode."
- "When you were learning to SPELLLLLL your name..."
Critic: Oh, go away; it's like talking to a horse's vagina.
- Reciting Shakespeare: "To BE!... or not to BEEEEEEEEE!!!"
- "At least in Planet of the Apes, the humans were dumb, so it made sense that they'd treat them like animals; but here, there's no logic! It's like Planet of the Apes without the logic! You know, like the REMAKE of Planet of the Apes!"
- "Have you ever heard of subtlety? Underplay?! A good actor-YAAAAH!"
- His reaction to finding out the Psychlos haven't discovered Fort Knox. He sounds he like wants to hurt someone.
Critic: No... they're not. They're honestly not... Son of a BIIIIIITTTTCCCHHH!!!
- "Is this the film's attempt to be artsy? ... Because... it works about as well as tilting the CAMERA IN EVERY FUCKING SHOT!!
- "We've decided to keep you here for another 50 cycles. With endless options for renewal! (echoing) With endless options for renewal! With endless options for renewal!"
Critic: I'm sorry, I seem to have a problem repeating myself! Repeating myself! Repeating myself! Repeating myself! (smacks himself) I'm an idiot.
- As Terl demonstrates his marksmanship by shooting the legs off a bunch of cattle...
Critic: Okay, you can shoot cows, that's wonderful, McDonald's must be very proud of you.
- The opening sequence, which shows clips of the Destruction Scene from the previous Video Game review of the same name. Cut to the Critic's deadpan reply:
- The Critic, Linkara, Benzaie, Angry Joe and Phelous all trying to pronounce Tone Lōc's name (with the Critic being able to sneak a Bugs Bunny reference at the end by also questioning the pronunciation of Hansel).
- This has been another... pointless moment! *Ding!*
- The Critic does a subtle Men in Black joke with park security, playing Will Smith's hip-hop tune from the film over the audio when they arrive to detain Bebe's Kids.
- "So the kids find themselves in a courtroom where the Terminator is trying to decide if they're worth electrocuting to death while robotic Abraham Lincoln and Nixon defend their sides...* fearfully checks box labeled "ACID"* ...Nope! The movie's just weird!"
- Mickey Mouse's cry of vengeance against Bébé's kids.
"DAMN YOU BÉBÉ'S KIDS! THE MOUSE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ON YOU! I WILL SEE YOU PERISH IN FLAMES! I HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE LORD OF DARKNESS! YOUR ASS IS GRASS! THEY WON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR BODIES! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOULS, BÉBÉ'S Kiiiiiiiiids!!!"
- "Mr. African...American."
- "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY HAVE ATTITUUUDE! AAAATITUUUUUDE!"
- "Well in the 80s and early 90s, especially in confused animated movies, they would have a music video. They served absolutely no purpose and—" * upon seeing a close-up of Jamika's ass* "—DAAAMN! Oh, um...they served absolutely no purpose..."
- "Yeah, where's the sign that says 'No bEVIS No VIbES'?"
- "YOUR NAME IS OPIE!" (crack!) "Winthrop."
- "You know, I think that's how Robin would react if someone asked him about his movie. 'DID YOU MAKE THIS?!' 'No, no no, no! It was Bebe's kids!'"
- "Are they entering North Korea?!"
- "I did not consider the ramifications of a well-put-together rap. I deem this... fly."
- "So what's your name?" "And if you can, please say it without rappin—" (kids start rapping) "—you son of a bitch."
- "Jesus, I never thought I'd say this, but... where's Ice when you need him?"
- "Hell, where's KAZAAM when you need him?!?" "—WAIT! NO! NO! GO BACK TO THE KIDS! GO BACK TO THE KIDS!"
- Comparing Pee-Wee to Stewie:
"Damm you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped your womb. Oh yeah."
- The Critic on Robin's parenting skills:
You know, youre really good with them [the kids]. Critic:
...Really? Because he looks like an asshole to me! But... maybe I'm missing something. I mean, hell, maybe this is, like, a brand new way of parenting. This really clever subtle way that really shows how much love you can give. Maybe this way is going to totally change the way we look at parenting Robin: I'm gonna beat the black off of you! (another clip) Don't fight fair. (another clip) I'm going to drop you like a bad habit. (another clip) Knock the hell out of them kids! (another clip) Test-tube baby.
Critic:' Yeah, he's an asshole.
Lost in Space
- Regarding Blarp: "It looks like Jar Jar Binks' aborted fetus."
"Is that really the best design they could come up with? A half-chewed Mickey Mouse eraser?"
- The Critic proving that he doesn't need the Wah-Wah machine by giving his own after many of the lame jokes: "WAH! WAH! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
- Gary "I'm Firing My Agent" Oldman.
- "Hey hey, it's the Nintendo Wuss!"
- "I love you wife."
"Oh, my heart soars every time! The monotone, the absolute lack of human feeling, the way he doesn't even refer to her by her name, just the role of 'wife'! I swoon every time!"
- "Eat peace!"
- After hearing Penny's voice and declaring her the missing Chipette, "Skankie", her voice raises progressively in speed and pitch, until: (BANG) "Eh, I didn't need those eardrums anyway."
- Critic as spider!Smith, with all the subtle nuance that implies.
- His confusion at Future Dr. Smith trying to kill his past self.
Top 11 Villain Songs
Quest for Camelot
- As Running Gag for this episode, we have his constant requests for the movie to explain things...
"EXPLAIN, MOVIE! EXPLAIN!"
"Hey, remember me? I'm the audience. You wanna fill me in on what the fuck's going on?"
"NO! NO! That does not happen movie! That just DOES! NOT! HAPPEN! Unless you, oh, I don't know, EXPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!
- "Say, have you ever wanted to see Cary Elwes, Gary Oldman, Urkel, Gabriel Byrne, Pierce Brosnan, Balki from Perfect Strangers, Jane Seymour, that... chick from Heroes, Don Rickles and Eric Idle in a movie together? NO! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT! But they DID IT in a fucking piece of shit called Quest for Camelot!"
- "Let's take a look at this medieval BLAST FROM THE ASS and see why it should have stayed in the Dark Ages."
- At young Kayley:
One day I'll be a knight! Like father! Critic:
Well, you'd better work in growing that penis, Honey! It's the Dark Ages
, it sucks for everybody.
- The references to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, particularly:
- The knights saying things like "honor, value, courage..." mixed in with "Wind, water, heart!" and "Dragonzord, Mastodon, Pterodactyl!"
- "Now, I don't want to give anything away here, but... one of these guys is going to be the villain. Can you guess who?" (arrow points at King Arthur) "Wow, you're a dumbass."
- All of his complaints about how Ruber is Obviously Evil.
- His conversation with Dr. Smith. All of it. "Does it involve spiders?"
Dr. Smith: Did someone question my subtle acting?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Dr. Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking trainwreck. On a boat.
- "What? You squeeze the horse's mane to get a song?" Cue repeated squeezings of the said horse's mane leading up to... Duck Tales! Woo-Hoo!
- At Kayley's ripped off looks: (without missing a beat) "Cut to years later as Kayley is grown up into—Hi Belle from Beauty and the Beast! Fancy seeing your image being shamelessly ripped off here! I mean, my God, they're not even trying! It's Belle! It's fucking Belle!"
- "Okay, okay, maybe I'm being too critical, I mean... Maybe she just looks like her. (While playing clips from both movies that look more than suspiciously similar) It's not like both run through the fields with their arms open, feed animals at a farm nor sing a song about wanting more out of life and being stuck in an environment that doesn't welcome her free spirit... (Beat) ... Oh, wait, YES, THEY FUCKING DO!!"
- RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAAAA !
- "I should know! I speak... horn!..."
- About one of Kayley's scenes at the beginning of the movie:
But I want to be a knight! Go on grand adventures... Fighting evil... Rescuing damsels in distress! Critic: Helloooo, hot character trait! Kayley:
What's a damsel, anyway? Critic:
Goodbyeee, hot character trait...
- The part where the Critic is discussing how distracted the guards are that they simply let Kaylee go:
- The clips from Sin City with "The Prayer" as background music.
- Critic as Kayley while she runs away from Rubert's henchmen: "I'm still going to be the world's greatest knight! That's why I'm running away from danger that is closing in behind me. But... I'm doing it very bravely!"
- When Garrett initially won't let Kayley come along with him to find Excalibur because he always works alone, Critic makes the false assumption that the reason is because she's a woman. Considering the views of women in the time period, it wouldn't be shocking if that were the case.
- "Yes, in medieval times, even A BLIND MAN has more credibility to go into danger than a woman does. It pays to have balls!"
- His reaction to Garrett giving in to Kayley's request to join him, with him mocking the two characters.
Critic (as Kayley): I really want to come with you.
Critic (as Garrett): No. (sings) Like every tree, stands on its own...
Garrett: Oh, alright.
- The scenes with Bladebeak. "But the comedic axe chicken— God, I can't believe I just put those words together...". Not to mention his acknowledging the fact said comedic axe chicken is voice by Jaleel White, leading to the inevitable Sonic Sez reference.
Reuber: You! Report!
Critic (as Bladebeak): Well, the plot makes no sense, we have no originality and the songs are gonna be more successful than the movie.
- His imagined "The ogre's butt" recording session, accompanied by a picture of Gary Oldman looking extremely irritated.
- This at the end before the concluding sentences:
Python!Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
- His way-too-twitchy trigger finger and subsequent reactions at the end... offing Mary Poppins, Bert, and finally Mickey.
- The lead-up to the above moment is pretty great as well:
Critic: In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want an answer that's from the most innocent, perfect being that I can think of, Mary Poppins! That's right, Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie! So tell me, Mary Poppins, how do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed?
Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear...
Mary Poppins: ...I never explain anything.
Critic: ...FUCK YOU, BITCH! (whips out pistol and shoots)''
Old vs New: The Nutty Professor
- In the end, he gets a call from Peppermint Patty's parents.
- "Who uses a horn to talk?!!"
- "Let me get my clarinet so we can have a REAL conversation!"
- Benzaie about to shave his privates (Don't worry, they don't show anything) and the Critic's horrified reaction.
- Benzaie's facial expression makes it ten times funnier.
- The Critic imagining what a family of Jerry Lewis' would be like.
- He is confused by some aspects of the original, and demands that the movie explains them... but thankfully, it only culminates in a small explosion.
- NC's Cluster F-Bomb to open the review.
- "Now, for those of you who are young and have no idea who Pauly Shore is... good."
- The Critic calls Pauly Shore "the Devil's pubic hair himself".
- His impression of Joey Lauren Adams' shrill voice.
- The cameo from 90's Kid!
Oh, it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice... *BAM!*
And a battering ram... *gun cocks*
And a sawed-off shotgun.... Uh, gotta go! (runs off while shots are fire at him)
- The Critic playing clips from Ghostbusters alongside Dr. Noah Faulkner's clips, as he's played by William Atherton, the same guy who portrayed Walter Peck in Ghostbusters.
Bud (Pauly Shore):
Give me the detonator. Faulkner (played by William Atherton):
What is the magic word? Peter Venkman (Bill Murray):
- "There IS something about a man who can lick his own back..." ".......What am I supposed to say to that?"
- "YAAAY, you tried to tell a joke! You get a vast, empty void of SILENCE!"
- Also counts as a Moment of Awesome. The Nostalgia Critic pointing out how the scientists in the film look like scientists in other films. He uses Doc Brown as an example of how a movie-scientist SHOULD look and asks what Doc Brown would think. The answer:
I was frozen today! Critic:
Oh, that's good to know. Thanks, Christopher Lloyd!
- He actually did get Christopher Lloyd to say that line.
- The Critic spazzing out when the movie glosses over Tenacious D just to get immediately back to the unfunny protagonist duo:
- "This is the movie - (shows DVD of Bio-dome) - these are my wrists after watching the movie - (shows wrists that are covered in bandages) - and these are the notes I took during watching the movie. (lifts up a sheet of paper simply printed with the words "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? (etc.)")
- The Critic's reaction to the protagonists bisexual claim, followed by them leaning together, waggling their tongues.
Critic: Never do that again, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
- "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE." "I AM ACTING."
- The reaction to the clown getting shot toward the end of the film.
Critic: My God. You're actually trying to kill comedy, aren't you? You're trying to...physically destroy everything that is humorous in this world. (long beat) You're not gonna get away with it! No! How much of this movie is left? Fifteen minutes? Okay, I'm just gonna rush through it, thwarting your diabolical plan, you sick, sick, FUCK movie!
- "Has anyone else noticed that Pauly Shore is to white people as Jar Jar Binks is to black people? Seriously, I'm offended..."
The Neverending Story 2
Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments
- Jelly Donut
- The Headless Horseman ordering from Taco Bell's drive-through.
- THIS IS NOT OVER...BEAHS!
- The Critic constantly getting called by Walken, much to his confusion.
- "Love you too ... What just happened?"
- "I don't know where I am when he calls."
- "I could really use some pie right now!"
- Walken telling the Critic a limerick about two mice falling into a bucket of cream.
- All of his reactions to the fact that Professor Brainard is a total jerkass.
- "... and we'll see what the flub went wrong here."
- "Instead of selling his invention to some business or scientific research lab, getting the money to save the college, he tests the effects of Flubber on basketballs! Why aren't you committed?"
- When the Critic points out when the main character could technically sell the robot to earn the money to save the school but is more focused on his main project: "You're an idiot!"
- "Oh great, he invented Slimer!"
- "If your fiancee misses your wedding once, dump him. Twice, kill him. Three times, GO LORENA BOBBITT ON HIS ASS!"
- Later, after Brainard actually misses the wedding, there's a call back to that line.
Critic: The castrating iron's in the corner, dear.
- The scene with the parent telling his child that nothing can get through a closed window, and then the Flubber bursts through and bounces all around the room: "LOOK OUT! IRONY! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE IRONY!"
- The Critic pointing out the physics when one of the goons gets hit in the head from a Flubber-coated bowling ball that falls back to earth: "Uhh, yeah. I think his brains would have PAINTED THE HOUSE if a bowling ball fell on him from that high!"
- "Why don't they just call this movie "Shit Bounces and Nobody Laughs"?"
- The Flubber dance scene which is pointless enough in its own right, gets taken further when even the Big Lipped Alligator Moment can't stand it! "A BIG LIPPED-Oh God I'm bored!"
- "Wow... So the guy who wrote The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink actually had to write the words "He farted Flubber out of his anus." This is a sad day, people!"
- "Hey look, a speck of snow!" (Face Plant)
- His reaction to the wedding at the end.
Critic: WHAT?!!! You mean he still couldn't make it to the wedding?!!! This guy is ass scum!
- His reaction to Christopher MacDonald blatantly revealing he's the villain.
- His multiple nods to the Big Bad's resemblance to Joe Biden.
- "Shut up Wesley!"
- "Dale is DEAD, everybody! Dale is DEAD!"
- I don't know where, I don't know how, but I know soooomething's starting right nooooooooooow!
- "LOOK THEY'RE ALL WEARING GLASSES SO THEY MUST BE PART OF THE LOSERS BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL WEARING GLASSES LOSERS GLASSES LOSERS GLASSES THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME."
- His reaction to Weebo's hologram human form.
- Playing Spock's Famous Last Words from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan over Weebo's.
Home Alone 3
Old vs. New: King Kong
- When talking about the Suicidal Overconfidence of Naomi Watts' portrayal...
Critic: She's standing up to a 10-story gorilla!
That takes balls! Or, ovaries...
I don't know, but it takes a lot of them!
- "Note to Self: Chocolate means war."
- When getting to the special effects, he's met with an offscreen chorus of "New version", even when defending how the effects of the original were groundbreaking for its day.
Drop Dead Fred
- The Annoy-o-meter: Michael Moore - Short Round - The dog from Duck Hunt - Edward from Twilight - "The racist robots" (Skids and Mudflap) from Transformers 2 - Chris Tucker - Jar Jar Binks. Drop Dead Fred slides in between the last two.
- "That's quite an accomplishment, movie. That's quite an accomplishment. (Beat) Shoot yourself."
- "Gah! Too much pink!" Accompanied by a lightsaber igniting as the bedroom lights turn on.
- "Oh! It's a phone call from reality!" "HELL-LOOO!!!"
- "Look at him, he looks like a Conehead on fire."
- "Welcome to Officially Snapped." Also, "Tim Burtonland".
- "That's nothing! You should see the deleted scene."
- The use of "Ave Satani."
- "NOOOOOOOO no! No! No! No! No! (beat) NO!! NO, no no nonono! No! No. No. No. No. (inuadible repetition on "no" with occasional "No" mumbled) (a couple of coughed out "No's") ("No" repeated a couple of times while attempting laughter, culminating in fast furious repetition of "No") NO! No-ho-ho-ho!!! (while waving his finger) NONONONONONONO-NO!!! (while doing a throwing motion) No! No! No! No!... I'm projecting my NO!!! unto this NO!
- Really? I thought it was— (is shot)
- "Riddle me this, Batman! What do you get when you take two talented actors and saddle them with a script written by a horse's scrotum? This movie!"
- On a freezeframe of the main female with a goofy look on her face: "That's the 'Horse that just passed gas' look!"
- "Rik Mayall: Like having a stand-up comedian at the Holocaust."
- Critic and a few guests have a pretentious Faux Symbolism discussion, before concluding it's "just a pile of shit."
- Chewing the Scenery... literally. Espically with the line: "Hey, there's even more background I can chew!"
- "Yeah, I remember the last time I laughed at my mother's cooch."
The Care Bears Movie
- "Whenever someone asks "What did you do at your work today?" and I have to tell them "I watched Care Bears: The Movie", I die a little inside."
- When the Critic points out how creepy Mr. Cherrywood looks and sounds.
"I've touched half these children. And I'm okay with that."
- "Care-A-Lot... is paying for my new car... so might as well do it."
- Taste the Rainbow MOTHERFUCKA!!!
- "I've never seen a book so in touch with evil since Twilight!"
- He also suspects the book's voice-actress of being eaten out as she's trying to read her lines.
- The Running Gag showing just how useless the Care Bear Cousins are... especially Braveheart Lion. FAIL!
- "It's probably my perverted mind, but what does it look like these two are doing?"
- Made even funnier when you realize the bear in the car is Secret Bear.
- The Nostalgia Critic pointing out various faces Nicholas makes over the course of the film, especially the "He's turning into Judge Doom!" and this bit.
Critic: I just love Nicholas's face here. As if to say: "Wow, I really didn't think I was gonna see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank God it's at least Friday."
- The Nostalgia Critic being attacked by The Spirit at one point. Why? Because he tried to fast-forward through her parts.
- When Nicholas turns all the kids into Jerkasses: "Oh no, he turned them into YouTube commenters!"
- "They also come across a Pink Elephant. And... guessing the amount of booze you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well."
- "Good story, but you missed the part about the sodomy and the ties to the JFK assasination! But I guess that stuff wasn't very important."
- The line on the Cozyheart Penguin toy ad: "Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal [from] them, if you must, Santa says it's okay."
- (When the "Caring Meter" drops) "We're reaching Jersey levels! Jersey levels!"
- The Nelson laugh after the key disappears.
- "I have officially become a vampire! Uh, not one of those sparkling ones, though, they totally suck ass."
- Critic doing a little kid voice saying that the part with the boat and the river no one tried before is a big plot hole and Critic, as Mr. Cherrywood, threatens to smack the kid with his ring hand if he doesn't shut up.
- His wondering what 'Care' means here:
Critic (as friend): Hey, what kind of [pizza] toppings you want?
Critic: Oh, I don't care. (then realizes) No, no, wait! I didn't mean tha— Ugh... (facepalms)
The Care Bears: (from offscreen) Hi, we're the Care Bears, and everybody has to care about somethi—
Critic: (shoots at the voices in exasperation while still facepalming, and without even looking at them)
Jaws 3 D
- "A lot of you may be wondering where I've been the past week. Well, there was an... incident in Nevada... many people injured... I-I-I can never go back."
- "Annoyed yet?!"
- "You lured me with the promise of penis!"
- The bar scene: Lea Thompson is having a discussion while the couple she and her guy are with start making out right in front of them. Cue the Nostalgia Critic making ever-increasing sounds of sex, complete with table crashing sounds.
- ""Chase the cowgirl through the knee-high tents on the beach" Um... kinky?"
- His extension of the Chuck Norris meme.
- "A-CHUCK A-NORRRRIIIIISSSSSS! RIDINGASHARKTHATSASBIGASJAWS!"
- (bump) "OW! SON OF A BITCH! SHARK CROSSING, YOU A-HOLES!"
- "We all live in a Yellow Submarine. Yellow Submarine
- "There's a shark, bitch! Run!" Made even funnier when you realize the lines were lip synced to the dolphin.
- Critic suggesting that some jackass pushed that girl's face against the glass upon seeing the cadaver floating against the wall on the other side absolutely intentionally just so he could take a picture or something. Hilarious.
- The Running Gag where The Cinema Snob keeps talking about Manimal, with the NC repeatedly checking to see if he's still talking and then pushing him off-screen again.
- "Oh, no! She's very, very, very, very, very, very, very slowly coming after us! We only have hours to escape! Hours!"
- The Critic pointing out how incoherent people sound when they yell in the film...complete with clips of The Tasmanian Devil.
- "That's not a ride, that's a Hentai!"
- CAAAAAA-I mean FIIIIIISH!
- "All I can say is, I'm worried. We're in a lousy horror movie and I'm the only black person around. Clearly I need to hire more black people." He does, and it works.
- "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
- "Oh come on, now you're just teasing me! Come on down here and fight like a shark!"
- Wait! You cant eat me! Im British food! I taste terrible!
- At the beginning:
- The ending: "But like I said, it's not a terrible movie. I mean, it's not as bad as something like, A Troll in Central- Nope! ... Nope, nope! I know how this works. If I say the entire title, that means I have to review it next week. Yeah, I know this joke. I'm not doing it, mm-mmm. There is no way you're getting me to say A Troll in Central Park...!" (Next Week, A Troll In Central Park) "FUUUUUUU-" (cuts to sinister villain evilly eating popcorn)
- Sinister villian evily eating popcorn is a CMOF in its own right, especially when you put it to Heartwarming scenes.
- Also, the various Call Backs to previous movies he's reviewed: Seeing The actress who played Tank Girl and the villain from The Next Karate Kid again, the "CAAAAAT!" joke, a quick nod to his previous review of Jaws 3D, the list goes on
- His reactions to Willy's crying, comparing it to Curly having a hernia, Snarf from ThunderCats getting neutered, Jar-Jar Binks in a blender and William Hung sucking on helium.
- His assertion that Michael Ironside, as the villain, may be a robot with quotes like "Disengage impressed mode, engage smug indifference" and "Let me check my douchebag files for that".
- The beginning of the review. "But then we come across our enemies... (Beat) MAN! (cue the Scare Chord) Along with an image of a crying kitten, no less.
- "Spider!" (Chucks baseball through a window)
A Troll in Central Park
- "TELL A STORY!"
- After the mom (voiced by Hayley Mills) tells Gus to appreciate what he has:
Critic (as the mom):
Yes, we ALL have to appreciate what we have. For example, I
could've been the star of Saved by the Bell
. (getting more frantic)
the star of Saved by the Bell
, but for some reason I'm NOT the star of Saved By The Bell
. "Good Morning, Miss Bliss" my fucking ASS!
... (mouths "sorry").
- "My Little Pony, the Care Bears, Teletubbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, The Smurfs, Barbie, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Barney the Dinosaur, all the High School Musicals, Jem, and the goddamn Get Along Gang are fucking BUTCH compared to this!"
- The phone calls with Stanley the Troll.
- The Critic subverting his argument about the movie being intended for a wall: "Here's the last wall they showed it to. (the house implodes) Should've rented Iron Giant."
- "(GASP!) Did [Gus] actually suggest that somebody have BALLS in this movie?!?!"
- Gus: (to Stanley) "You'll never have a dream come true! And you know why?"
- Critic: "(flashes a list on screen) Take your pick." The "He's a coward" one is chosen.
- Here is the full list: He's annoying. He's obnoxious. He won't shut up. He's a pansie [sic]. He sings to flowers. He's as bland as Edward from Twilight. He's vomitingly cute. His logic makes no sense. He needs to die. He's looks like a rejected muppet. He's a coward. He has three teeth. He lives a delusional nutball. He lives in Central Park yet is still alive. He's ruining this whole friggin' movie, as well as cinema in general. The oompa loompas could beat him up. He makes Mini-Me look tall. He gets excited when toddlers kiss him. He's the only troll more annoying than the ones from Encyclopedia Dramatica. A termite has bigger balls than him. Did I mention he's annoying?
- His response to Stanley being turned to stone: "HOORAY!" Not to mention his reactions to New York City being plant-ified, mainly suggesting that this was just Stanley's evil plant-based plan.
- The directional arrows (a la Dragon's Lair) at the scene where Stanley the troll runs around in New York traffic. Eventually the arrows give up and are replaced by "FUCK IT!"
- "ZUUL, MOTHERFU-HEY!"
- His sketch after a troll starts singing: "I'm a baad troooll...". "OK, this is what happens if you let your five year-old write the screenplay!"
And then the troll says "I'm a baad troooll". Critic:
Oh, that's good, son! (starts typing)
"And then troll said: I'm a baad troooll"... Five Year-Old:
I have to go potty. Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, EVEN BETTER! (starts typing)
"And then he says: I have to go potty"... Five Year-Old:
No, really, I-I have to go potty. Critic: (disappointed)
Oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead, go... go potty. (beat) Critic: (starts typing)
Still good line, though...
- "Duel of the Fates" playing during the climactic thumb-war sequence. Similarly, the Back to the Future theme playing when the flying boat appears in the climax.
- The very intro of this review in which Critic is so angry this movie that, as he proves later, even saying its title pisses him off.
Watch. Ahem. A Troll in Central Farck
... FUCK THIS MOVIEEE! (punches himself in the face) A Troll in Central Park
- "Boy, Lindsay Lohan really let herself go."
- "(regarding Stanley) The only way to describe him is imagine Bilbo Baggins just ate the Lucky Charms leprechaun and got shit out through Dopey's anus. And that's the nice version!"
- Chipmunk Jawas...?
- The Critic's response to Whoopi Goldberg's Kid Sidekick, Sebastian. Yeah, he cues that music.
- The partner-up scene, or, more specifically, the Critic's response:
- Critic's quest to justify the premise of the movie:
- His various movie pitches at the beginning including Betty White + Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, William Shatner + Pokémon, and Damon Wayans + the Gecko from the Geico commercials.
- The Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas scene.
- "Oh wait, I've seen this. Don't the Power Rangers come out and usually beat the crap out of these guys?"
- Teddy's dialogue being replaced by mechanical noises in one part of the review.
- "Run! We'll regroup with the Lollipop Guild!"
- "And his quest to find that mysterious shoulder tapper begins."
- "If I wanted to watch Whoopi Goldberg interact with dinosaurs, I'd watch The View."
- "... What the hell? Why are they playing shuffleboard with Hershey's Kisses?"
- Somewhere in the 14 minute mark has pretty much the funniest part of the review:
Critic: (spotting the caterpillar)
Oh? And what's this? Teddy:
It's a hairy hot dog. Critic: (shrugs)
Of course it is! (laughs)
If you want a hairy hot dog to talk to a finger puppet, turn into a butterfly, and float by a bunch of helium containers, I'm okay with that now! There's really no point in questioning it. It's like trying to save a sinking ship with a band-aid; anything I try to do would be completely pointless. (Beat, in a high-pitched voice)
... Save me!
- He's reaction to the fact the Richard Roundtree, a.k.a. Shaft is playing the commissioner.
Commissioner: (appearing for the first time and seeing Teddy on a fundraiser)
Not many people get to meet their maker on a fundraiser, huh? Critic:
Oh, G... NOOO!!! Another character:
Excuse me, sir, is there, uh, something wrong? Commissioner:
Yes, yes, there's been a dinocide. Critic: Oh, and the fact that you're JOHN SHAFT AND YOU'RE TALKING TO A FUCKING DINOSAUR
- "Meanwhile at the... sprinkled testicle building..."
- "So Teddy meets up with Molly again as they head back to his place for some Tyrannosaurus sex."
I'm a fool for milk and cookies. Theodore:
Oh! C-Cookies! Cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies! Critic:
Yep, the running joke of cookies has literally just been resorted to the shouting of the word now, which is a shame. I saw real potential for that joke.
- "Out of the way, guy who was only here for a throwaway gag!"
- "HA HA HA HA! BLENDER! IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT BEGINS WITH A 'B'! HA HA HA HA HA!"
- "I just thought back to my 'blender' joke! Ha ha! 'B'! Ha ha!"
- When the commissioner claims that Whoopi Goldberg's character embarrassed the department, the Critic says this:
"SHE embarrassed the... SHE embarr.. DO YOU EVEN SEE [Series/Dinosaurs EARL SINCLAIR]] OVER THERE?!"
- "Is the cameraman drunk?! Is that why the angles keep tilting? I tell you what, if it is, I don't blame him! It'd be the only way I could get through filming this movie too!"
- When a ninja grid is mentioned, the Nostalgia Critic complains that they could've been watching that this whole time instead of Whoopi Goldberg and Theodore Rex, then asks what else they've been missing out on.
"Is there a 'rock bands on skateboard' grid as well? Come on, guys, focus on the good stuff!"
Top 11 Coolest Cinematic Cliches
- The Klingon version of "Ode To Joy."
- "... never play that again."
- Wyatt Earp LOSING HIS SHIT at the Nostalgia Critic at the end (because the Critic assumed the audience was sick of the cliches by then).
- "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember so you- (nearly gets shot) fuckin' crazy, Wyatt Earp!"
- (Regarding Darth Vader's disappointing no): "Hell, Mr. Bill sounded more butch than you!"
- Oh hey, I found my lost state id. (beat, Evil Laugh)
- On Slow Motion: "No matter how many times we use it, it shows no sign of slowing down." Followed by a Beat of the Critic looking around awkwardly and a Rimshot from Animaniacs.
- The Critic shows us just how an encounter between the pirates of Neverland and the Pirates of the Caribbean would end up (with Barbossa shooting Peter Pan's daughter).
- ZUUL, LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS, ZUUL!!
- The "Nutball!" sequence... with added Vengabus.
- Peter yelling "I don't believe in fairies!" resulting in the death of Crysta.
- The Critic encouraging writers of Star Wars Fan Fiction to rush to their typewriters after pointing out that the kissing couple that Peter and Tink pass by on their way to Neverland is played by George Lucas and Carrie Fisher.
- "Oim heah to blur the loins of reali-tee!"
- The sketch about the Critic acting out the role of a killjoy father.
Dad, is there a Santa Claus
Is there an Easter Bunny? Critic:
No, I made that up too! Kid:
Dad, is there a God
Well, scientifically speaking, they've never really proven that God actually exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions if not all religions are completely false. (the kid starts crying)
- The out-of-nowhere cameo by Film Brain:
Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!!!
Critic: What was that?
- When Peter tries to rescue his kids from Hook:
Peter: Come on, give me a hand.
Hook: I already have.
Hook's Pirates: Ooooh...
Critic (as Hook): Oh, yes. I went there.
- In response to Peter's memories regressing, to the point he forgot everything after he left Neverland:
Peter: I like this game. Ask me another one!
Critic: Okay! Can you make a sentence out of these words? "UP THE FUCK SHUT."
- "My Jack..."
- "So after not killing him for a third time, our family finally decides to go home, happily ever af—Psych! Heil Hitler.
- The Critic's reaction to Hook's death-by-falling-taxidermied-crocodile:
(sniffle, wipes away a tear) My mother went the same way...
- The Critic's interpretation of a line from Captain Hook:
Hook: And you'd better deliver, Ms. Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where I will send you...
Critic: There's a buttcrack with your name on it.
- "It's Dustin Hoffman, Peter! He's trying to out-mug you!"
- "I believe in you, Peter. And I'm Jesus!"
- His pained, slightly crazed impersonation of Tinkerbell in her dress:
Critic: I've been waiting here nine hours in this dress just praying that you'll stumble onto this. Thank you for stumbling onto this!
- "That coconut had just two days left until retirement! You bastard!"
Peter: Tink! Come on, you gotta come!
Critic: Well she was about to— (realizes) Oh, oh, that, yeah.
- The Critic's... interesting analogy on why he doesn't like the movie:
Critic: But so many people tell me (mockingly) "Oh, it's a popcorn movie! Can't you just have fun?!". Well, let me tell you something: a waterslide is fun. All the slipping and sliding, it's just great! But if someone took you off the waterslide, shook you, gave you a noogie, and then spat in your face and put you back on the waterslide, you'd be like "... That wasn't fun. That was weird and annoying!". And THAT'S this movie!
- BOOMER WILL LIVE.
Critic: (screams in joy, arms up in the air while heavenly music plays)
- Made even better by the fact that the line is said in the Critic's Optimus Prime voice.
- "Stand back! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! AAAAAAAAH, HE JUMPED THE SHAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!"
- "EAT LASER TIC TACS!!!"
- The Critic fantasizing about Will Smith.
- "Stephanie? Stephanie is that you?" This Overly Long Gag explores the large amount of Fridge Logic regarding why the space ship from the 1950's (since there would have been nearly forty years of technological advancement on the aliens end) could sneak aboard the mothership, the Critic concludes that the only logical conclusion is that one of the Head Aliens thinks that the ship belongs to his old flame, and constantly Failed a Spot Check to realize it was being piloted by two of those Puny Humans. The capper, however, is the Alien's reaction to being fired upon ("PLUTO'S BALLS!!!"), and then his Famous Last Words:
- Guess who's in the alien ship, blowing us up? It's ALF, Darth Vader, a xenomorph, and Marvin the Martian playing poker!
ALF: (silence) Hey, uh, press that button, would ya?
Alien Xenomorph: Huh? Oh, right. (beep)
- "Ahh, yes, I'd like to, return this taco, ahh, to you because there was, ahh, ahh, ahh, no sauce on it and, as we all know when there is, no sauce ahh, on the taco and you realize it is, not spicy and ahh, blah, blah, blah, if it is not spicy, ahh, well then you all know that it means, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, (dramatic stare) CHECKMATE." (dramatic sting)
- "Do a barrel roll!"
- (celestial chorus plays in background) "My god, Jeff Goldblum, is there anything you can't do?"
Jeff Goldblum: (looking like Jesus) No.
- "An alien race that wipes out Earth but is killed by our viruses? (scoff) Whoever heard of such a thing? (image of the 1953 version of The War Of The Worlds) "(sneeze) Jerk-off! (sneeze)"
- During the dogfight chase in the canyon, Smith's plane and the alien fighter fly under a collapsing rock formation. The rock formation falls on top of Wile E.Coyote.
- When Will Smith blinds the alien ship with his parachute:
- "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" (punch) "Ow..."
- Will Smith: "Now that's what I call a Close Encounter." (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air credits play)
- (President fires a missile to see if the shield is down yet. Missile explodes on shield. Kang and Kodos laugh evilly. Second missile is fired and hits the ship. Kang gets scared)
- "Cast, step forward and state your stereotypes!"
I'm Judd Hirsch, I'm the Jewish stereotype
! Robert Loggia:
I'm Robert Luh-GUY-a, I'm the gruff military stereotype
! Randy Quaid:
I'm Randy Quaid, and I'm the redneck stereotype
! Brent Spiner:
I'm Brent Spiner, and I'm the geeky stereotype
! Harvey Fierstein:
I'm that guy from Mrs. Doubtfire
, and I'm the gay stereotype
! Harry Connick, Jr.:
I'm Harry Connick Jr., and I'm the annoying best friend stereotype
! Jeff Goldblum:
I am Jeff Goldblum, and I am in and of myself, uh, a stereotype
- When the Critic hears the newscaster saying "God Help Us All", we get this:
- "I can out-Jew you!" "I can out-Jew you!" (back and forth)
- The critic muses as to what the President's dramatic speech would have been like if the aliens had attacked on a different holiday... like Talk Like a Pirate Day.
- "Whose side you gonna be on, the humans or the aliens?" (takes his cap off and puts silver antennae on his head) "Nanu-nanu!"
- Pointing out that the President of the United States is played by Bill Pullman.
- "Oh, and here's a big shocker: (goes into a hyper, Overly Long Gag over how big a "secret" it is, before cheerfully saying) ''the best friend dies!!!"
- When they talk about the president on the news:
- "Oh no, (Sob) this is giving me an emotion. Must. Not. Act. (Sob) Must. Not. Act."
- "Mother's dead?"
- "Luckily, the explosion is too polite to enter through the open door."
- "You didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the five foot girly-haired French zombie until he took off his sunglasses?!"
- "Is he dead"?
- The Critics's reaction to the random San Francisco shot during Johnny's Birthday party.
Critic: What, was the screensaver while the movie LOADS?! (loading bar pops up as the scene plays again, reading 'Loading Dick Sauce of a movie...)
- When Johnny laughs at Mark's story about a girl being beaten up.
- The Critic's increasing exasperation with Mark's obliviousness to Lisa's advances.
Critic: Oh my God, do you need landing lights to the bed?! She wants to sleep with you! That's the thing she does every other stinkin' time you're over, you fucking idiot!
- His commentary on the first sex scene:
Look at this angle here. Really look at it. Is he fucking her belly button? 'Cause it looks like he's fucking her belly button. Dude, I don't know how many times you've had sex, but it's NOT. THAT. TIGHT!
- After the sex scene:
So Johnny gets up for a minute, and— (shot of Johnny walking to the bathroom, with his ass in plain view, but censored by a donkey head) Critic: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Fuck it
, movie, fuck it
! I got a hard enough time watching his acting, you gotta show me his ass
?! What the hell?!
- Johnny randomly asking about Mark's sex life:
Anyway, how's your sex life? Critic: (Spit Take) Mark:
Can't talk about it. Johnny:
Why not? Critic:
Why not?! How about you just brought it the fuck out of nowhere, you...weird alien man
- Lupa, Linkara, and Spoony's cameos, begging him not to review the movie so he doesn't go crazy. Spoony's is especially funny, since he first thinks the Critic is reviewing Highlander II: The Quickening, only to run out screaming when he finds out it's The Room.
- The reveal that flying seahorses have taken over the world. "Surprised no one saw it coming, really."
- "You know that creepy guy who looked at you funny on the subway? Yeah, he made a movie apparently."
- After the first awkward sex scene, Critic comes up with the theory that the whole film was originally a sex tape that was found and had to be passed off as an independent movie project.
- When the review was temporarily removed, Critic responded back with The Tommy Wiseau Show, a short which mocked The Room, Wiseau and "John", the alleged moderator of theroommovie.com website.
- The party's fight scene having cat meows added to it.
- At the beginning of the review:
- "All of our future plans are SKULLS!!"
- "Pfft. What businessman would honestly question a supernatural treasure hunt for an evil skull that has demonic powers?" (eye roll, smile)
- The ending, where his erection as a result of Catherine Zeta Jones being in the movie gets him trapped under his desk.
- Among the other criticism about the Phantom's appearance: "You couldn't be more obvious if you were shitting fireworks!!!"
- "Run! It's the gayest thing you've ever seen!"
- "Ah! Death by purple-ass!"
- "Ha! I am acting!"
- The intro with the pirate leader, Canisang (Freeze frame with caption "I don't know, can you?" Rimshot!)
- "So the plane that's carrying Diana gets ambushed by air pirates."
- "Aww... but I was so cautious!"
- His initial reaction of seeing The Phantom.
- "CAKE AND SANDWICHES?!"
Zeus and Roxanne
- DOLPHIN PUNCH!
- Blind Date with Steve Guttenberg.
(arrow on Guttenberg) "Is afraid she has seen the Police Academy movies"
- The triumphant return of the "Wah Wah machine" when Guttenburg's son makes him another omelette.
- Nyaaaaaaa! This movie sucks! You got totally screwed... Did you even see the poster? And you paid money for this...
- Porn music playing when the dog notices the photo of a dolphin.
- Zeus and Roxanne's kids
- His reaction to "If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can't our mom and his dad?"
- The Critic laughing his ass off at Zeus sliding off the boat — complete with slide whistle sound effect!
- "The only problem is, she has competition with...AAAAHHH! The Mummy!" (main theme from The Mummy plays)
- "Just sit right back / and you'll hear a tale / a tale of a fateful trip!"
- The subtitles for Zeus and Roxanne communicating with each other.
Zeus: I've always loved you.
Roxanne: That's totally gross, you're an abomination.
Zeus: Come on, my balls are gone but I can still get the job done.
Roxanne: JESUS you're nasty! Get the fuck away from me, perv!
- The scene where Roxanne is trying to communicate with Guttenberg.
Critic: What's that? Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders? Ninjas from another planet are planning to steal all the earth's corn??
- Mr. Director from Animaniacs discusses his film Bushkabliben, "like a fairy tale from Tommy Wiseau" that won The Award of Cleveland.
- In a similar vein, Slappy the Squirrel making a (vocal) appearance.
When's the last time you saw the Family Guy
get hit on the head with a mallet? It's never gonna happen.
- "Water go down the hooooooole!"
- When Critic childishly tells Nate to do it again, he responds with a completely deadpan "No way in hell." Cue your traditional Critic tantrum. And if you look at it another way, the Critic just got told off by Skippy Squirrel.
- "Yes, well, I love to destroy careers".
- The discussion about the total censor failure.
- "Yes, well, I'm not really one to comment, since I'm one of the few people who framed a twitter from Roger Ebert..." (image of Ebert's twitter post in a digital photo frame)
- "It was the worst kind of celebrity for me at that age, you know? I was thirteen, and trying to look very masculine and for the ladies, but they all thought of me as this cuddly-wuddly fuzzy little squirrel. And that did not help me with the ladies for quite a while. Yeah."
- "It's tough being a squirrel."
The Flintstones Movie
- His reaction to the kids' sadism, when Hulk Hogan steps out of the shower to get electrocuted.
Critic: Uhh, you know, there's a difference between pranks and attempted murder. I mean Jesus, kids, this is some creepy shit!
Alex Jr.: It's only low voltage. It can't kill him.
Critic: Ah, okay, I guess it's not that bad.
Kate: Then crank it up!
Critic: (disturbed expression; Hulk Hogan getting shocked, then screen cuts to cemetery) Okay, okay, that didn't happen, but it might as well!
- And then the Critic's realization that they go for both sides of S&M, as they're really, really, really eager to be punished.
- Tell Dee Dee to shtay out of my room!
- Sean Armstrong died immediately on impact. The children are now in an institute for the criminally insane. Max never did another Muppet movie.
- Immediately before that, playing "Go Fly A Kite" as Hulk prepares to ride off on his rigged motercycle.
- After the girl stops Hulk Hogan from stepping up to the bullies: "Dumbass kid, you have a fucking Hulk Hogan and you don't even know what to do with him! That is unless you consider dropping him in a pool of red dye as using him productively!"
- And the aformentioned scene with Hogan now soaked in red dye, chews out the kids:
Hogan: That's it! I've had it!
Critic: Ohohoho, my God. This is the kind of thing they put on the back of horror movie DVDs.
- This, of course, introduces the "SCARY SLO-MO":
Hogan: NO MORE GAMES, NO MORE TRICKS! YOU'RE GONNA SIT HERE, 'TIL I TELL YOU TO GET UP! FROM NOW ON YOU BETTER ACT RIGHT, CAUSE I! AIN'T! LEAVING!! Critic
: "Yeah, your pants feel a lot heavier, don't they?"
- Later, another SCARY SLO-MO: "Sing!" "SSSIIINNNGGG!!!"
- "The household appliances...win."
- While he's looking around on the floor, the cave music from Super Mario World is playing.
- "Oh, it's my Douchemeter. It tells me I'm supposed to neglect you until the climax of the movie. Can't blame an overused formula!"
- "I can hear colors. My penis is numb."
- ..."Is it me, or are they playing I Will Survive?"
- His impression of Hulk Hogan as a woman.
- "Heh heh... it's funny because he almost died."
- The climax, where the villain, Thanatos, spins around and around due to the metal plate in his head acting as a magnet.
Critic: (chuckling as he watches) What the hell am I looking at? Y'know, for a movie with the premise of a male nanny, I really didn't expect some of this imagery.
- In Soviet Russia, evil catchphrases say you!
- Upon seeing Paulie in a comically-undersized birthday hat smoking a cigar, he muses whether there's any greater image than that. Cue a photoshopped image of Catherine Zeta-Jones wearing the Critic's shirt, tie and cap saying "Do me, Critic."
- Calling the robot Shark-Jumper 5000note and comparing it to putting a singing giraffe in a Godfather movie.
- Relatedly, his long low voiced realisation as to how un-gritty the movie is. Which is followed by... "WHY DOES THAT EXIST?!?"
- "I'm sorry, you can't come back from that. Talk about the fight all you want but all I can think of is that robot giving Pauly a handjob."
- He also plays the Super Metroid theme when the robot appears.
- When Apollo gets provoked by Drago:
Critic (as Apollo): Never in all my years have I had another boxer tell me that he was gonna win instead of me! What a shock! What an absolute shock!
- The fight between Drago and Apollo. All of it. Also, the Critic's reaction to Apollo's Broadway Musical-esque entrance.
- "So, yeah, Apollo's not doing very well. So Rocky, being a faithful friend, tries to decide when is the right moment to throw in the towel. He decides to wait until he's dead."
- The part where Paulie lashes out at the Soviet commission.
- The Critic's rendition of the conversation between Adrian and Rocky — which, As You Know, also happened in every other Rocky movie.
- "Well, as you can see, Drago is training his body to be a heavyweight champion, while Rocky is training his body to be Amish equipment."
- "The hiiiiiiillllllllls are allllllliiiiiiiiiveeeeeeeeee..."
- The Critic pointing out how anything can be made awesome via a Rocky-esque montage by showing the Care Bears dancing and a scene from The Star Wars Holiday Special intercut with said montage.
- The real kicker in this bit comes when it mixes footage of Drago with the intro to The Brady Bunch.
- The Critic's reaction to Paulie suddenly becomes emotional!
- And in this corner, he is a Swedish actor playing a Russian just to add double-insult to your country, Dolph Lundgren!
- "I must break you." "HA!!! Joke's on you, the right side of his mouth is already broken!"
- Everything the Critic has Rocky saying as Drago wails on him with each consecutive punch.
Critic (as Rocky): Oh, my God, this is a mistake. I immediately regret this. Oh, WOW is this guy tough! I can't feel the left side of my body! I don't remember who my mother is. Now I think I'm a cuckoo-clock. The more I think about it, the robot needs a sister. UUNNCLLEEEE!!!"
- The epic No-Holds-Barred Beatdown of Ivan Drago, following by the voiceover by the Critic:
- The Russian translation of the final speech.
Chairman of the Board
- "Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis."
- "WHY are they dressed like Crash Test Dummies? Cheese."
- "Cheese! It's as good as any other answer."
- Critic's new comedic spin-off: "Critic & Trout". Which comes right after Critic's rant about stand-up comedians having to put more effort into their comedic spin-offs.
- "They eat lunch as an Indian and a cowboy. (beat) What makes you think I know?"
- "You can't solve everything with a beach party! This isn't Saved by the Bell!"
- When Carrot Top's character is ejected from his bed, it cuts to Wallace & Gromit in The Wrong Trousers.
Wallace: Aaaaaaah, GromiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIt!!
- This Running Gag:
(Raquel Welch shows up) Hello, Raquel Welch... (she leaves)...goodbye, Raquel Welch.
- His remark towards Carrop Top's character:
Bradford: (to Carrot Top's character) Your ignorance is no longer charming.
Critic: His ignorance was never charming!
- At one point, Critic writes an apology letter for the audience in the name of the filmmakers.
Critic: Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, (Beat) sorry.
The Next Eleven Fuck-Ups
- Him sticking a grenade up Douchey's ass (offscreen)...again.
Douchey's Mom: Ask him if he wants to stay for dinner!
- "Good God! I have never had a dead person annoy me so much!"
- Any time Douchey's mother speaks. "Are you masturbating again?!"
- The Linkara 'speaking machine', which ends with Bat Credit Card.
- A meta one: the video itself has an obvious mistake (which doesn't seem to have been intentional) when he talks about Bladebeak from Quest for Camelot making a FaceHeel Turn rather than the other way around.
Douchey: A pox, a pox on both your houses!
Critic: Please stop that.
Douchey: (mutters) A pox.
- This little exchange:
Don't you have anything else to do? Douchey:
I live in a world of World of Warcraft
and pornography! There is nothing else! Both: (at the same time)
...Except complaining about the Nostalgia Critic. Douchey:
Don't ya mean Chernabog? Douchey:
- His reaction to the Bat Credit Card on screen:
Well of course, except for the appearance of the— (Bat-credit card appears)
The Bat-nipples? Why would I care about the bat-nipples? They were in the last movie! (Bat-credit card appears again)
Oh! Oh, I apologize! I must've seen that wrong. Sorry, heh! Let me just change my reaction accordingly. (ahem) A BAT CREDIT CARD?!! (goes berserk)
- Before his #1 pick, he declares that he has no #1 this year and is ready to end the video. Suddenly the elephant in the room says "Ahem" and reminds him of the autism joke he made in his Ernest Saves Christmas review. The way the elephant keeps talking even as the Critic tries to drown him out is funny, eventually culminating in the Critic surrendering: "OKAY YOU'RE RIGHT!!!"
Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw
- His reenactment of a drunk Merlin thinking up the "Bone of Scone".
Critic (as Merlin): And he who pulls the sword from the stone, (hic) will be named ki- (starts laughing) I just thought of something. What if, just hear me out, what if, we put a bone in the stone? (laughing) I don't know why, I don't know why! Everyone's gonna be like, 'Why is there a bone in the stone? What's the point of it blablablabla' and I'm going to be like 'that contains puppy power.' (laughs) and, and everyone's going to be like 'Well what the hell is puppy power?' well, I'll tell you in a second. (smokes a joint, laughs)
- McNasty's Daycare "Only 5 day's since our last mysteriously disappeared child"
- His comment about the dog's disappearing nose. "I think they're (the puppies) saying that my disappearing, sloppily animated nose is back at the pound!"
- "It's a beautiful day in whateversvilles. The sun is shining, the clouds are out, the cars stop in mid-dissolve. Everything's great."
- "Oh boy, I think the director's kids wanted a cameo."
- His reaction to the "director's kids" who got a cameo in the film. "Could you try to act like you give a shit!?"
- This bit:
Us Coolers are descended from King Arthur's puppy, Dig-alot. Critic: (while facepalming) Who wrote this?!
- "Oh, and uh take the dog with the pot on his head and the broom up his arse, I don't think he's well."
- "Remember kids, you can talk to your dog. And for some reason it doesn't work, there's something wrong with you. You should be ashamed of yourself and feel totally awful you are unable to enjoy your dog. Sorry, we don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. Maybe you're just an idiot."
- It's... It's... It's... Monty Python's Flying Circus!
- "For dry, red eyes, Clear Eyes is awesome."
- His reaction to what Big Paw says after he sees his friends fall into a trapdoor in front of McNasty's mansion.
- "What, did Pound Pussy just cause too much controversy?"
- "Wow, thanks, magic walking, talking dog! Boy, this is the best high EVER."
- "There's something odd about that man", followed by Critic's reaction.
- His reaction to Reflex's... reflex, which involves a Brick Joke.
Critic: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! No rhyme or reason. [fires gun into the air whilst drinking out of a human skull]
- "It's time!" "It's time!" "It's time!" "It's Time!" "IS IT TIME?!?!"
- His reaction to the utterly atrocious Villain Song: "Bring the rapping dog back!"
- McNasty's musical number is described as "dah dah dah dah dah!", and "SHIT" is superimposed over the footage.
- The scene where he comments on how fun the Puppy Pound is... then showing pictures of a real, depressing dog pound. The Critic trying so very hard and failing to keep the mood up by singing the show's theme song, making this go from jarring to funny.
Critic: ... Fuck this, I'm getting a turtle.
- "By the power of Greyhound!"
- "Oh, hell with this! I'm devoting my life to catching Smurfs!"
- His thing concerning McNasty's illogical idea in which he thinks he's king because he has the Bone of Scone.
Critic (as McNasty): Let me in at once! I am your new King!
Critic (as Guard): Err, no you're not, we've got a President.
Critic (as McNasty): But the bone, the bone! (beat; the guard shoots him)
- When McNasty and his cronies get thrown into a machine that turns them nice, the zap of the machine happened off screen, cutting back to dead skeletons!
- The Scooby-Dooby Doors scene. You can see the joke coming.
- Return of the SCARY SLOW-MO!
- Critic recreating the Fight Club scene where there's a single frame of porn inserted during a kids movie because the Big Paw song is getting on his nerves. With the single frame of porn being a dog mounting another dog.
The Pebble and the Penguin
Rocko, there's something you should know. Critic: Your modern life
is no longer in reruns.
- Morgan Freeman narrating.
- Critic excusing himself for a bath during yet another pointless song, then taking a toaster into the bathtub with him. He comes back to finish the review, though.
- (as Rocko and Hubie escape from the ship during a storm) "The weather started getting rough! The tiny ship was tossed!"
- This exchange:
Hubie: I dream about [Marina] night and day! I see her face when I close my eyes!
Critic: I do things when that happens! Things that my penguin minister says make Baby Jesus cry.
- Rocko, Hubie, Ash and the furniture around him laughing, then Ash shooting at the former two.
- Michael Jackson's song from Free Willy playing when an orca attacks Hubie and Rocko.
- "MAN-TITS AWAYYY!"
- Upon seeing Rocko flying Hubie and Marina upwards to safety, the Critic turns the screen upside down, stating that the direction they appeared to be flying now was the direction they were really headed. Complete with a crash sound effect.
- After they rip off the "Wish Upon a Star" thing from Pinocchio:
"This is the Wishing Star. Our attorneys advise you to stop ripping off Disney, or we'll sue you for the little that you have. Thank you, and never call us again." *click*
- His criticizing Hubie's song at the beginning:
Hubie: ♪Sometimes I wonder what the colors mean...♪
Critic: Uh, why don't you figure out what that lyric means first? It's like saying "I wanna know what the sounds smell like!"
- Critic calling Drake's lair "Frankenberry's house".
- This moment:
Marina: (singing) I close my eyes, and say a prayer...
Critic: (deadpan) She's sad. Next.
- Hubie crossing out the line "I'm looking for a pebble so I can get laid" from the script.
- "[imitating Hubie] I came to lose my virginity!"
- NC's absolute dread when Rocco and Hubie do a lame musical number about being friends and then him repeatedly smacking himself in the head and going ballistic over the sheer amount of terrible pointless musical numbers in the film.
Critic:Please! No more! I'm done! I'm done with these fucking songs! There's like a bajillion of them in this movie! CAN'T YOU JUST SAY THINGS?! CAN'T YOU JUST SPEAK FOR ONE MINUTE?!
Ernest Scared Stupid
Top 11 Scariest Performances
- After the intro (Lucy and Linus Van Pelt being beheaded by Jason): "What the hell is wrong with me?"
- Fail-in-the-box as a reaction to Vince Vaugn as Norman Bates in the shot-for-shot Psycho remake.
- The return of Dr. Smith.
- The Critic repeatedly opening and closing the book as Pennywise is talking all culminating in:
- Critic pointing out that Tim Curry's performance is more hilarious than scary and then suggesting that they just left the camera running as he was acting goofy.
- As Jonathan Brandis is mentioned, the elephant in the room peeks on camera... "Oh, piss off!" (elephant hmm's)
- Bill's parents reprimand him for coming into Georgie's room:
: How dare you mourn the loss of your one and only brother! [slap
- Even funnier is that the following footage of Bill has him cupping his cheek, making it appear as if he's reacting to the Critic smacking him.
- "That is, until the missing member of the Insane Clown Posse comes to join him."
- "Oh no, he's being assaulted by the California Raisins!"
- "Oh hey it's a beautiful Tim Curry out toni— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
- "Who would ever be scared by ballo-" (cut to ominous balloon)
- Even funnier if you know a thing or two about Don Hertzfeldt.
- The ending is freaking hilarious, bringing the Narm Up to Eleven for laughs. The reaction shots of Rob are even better.
- His reaction to one of the boys surviving by shielding himself with a book and repeating birds' names aloud.
Narrator: The only thing he could think of to do was to hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say as loud as he could the names of all the birds he could remember.
Narrator: ...hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say as loud as he could the names of all the birds he could remember.
- The Critic repelling The Mummy in the same way.
- (slashes his wrists) "Oh, wait, before I go, I should probably explain the situation.. (writes on the wall with his blood) "It..." (beat) and they can figure the rest from there." (dies)
- I'm the shadow on the moon at night...
- Any and all times we are reminded that the Critic is drunk...
"Why are you all spinning?"
"I'm drunk, and I'm not even scared!"
"I'm the Vitameatavegamin boy.
" What's great is the wait hold on style pause before he changes the line from girl to boy, like he forgets what gender he is when he's drunk.
- And when Stan's head appears and starts talking with everyone, Critic throws away his bottle of booze.
- "This is like a stand-up routine at Jeffrey Dahmer's house!"
- The Critic imagining Pennywise threatening Eddie, cackling insanely... and then just staring at him in awkward silence. Followed by a cameo of Bugs Bunny.
- The Critic making fun of the sound effects used everytime someone has a flashback.
"I looked into its dead-lights." (looks at the camera with a scared face) *boing*
"You looked into its dead-lights?!" (exaggerated astonished face) *computer "ta-daaa" error sound*
"I looked into its dead-lights!" (stupid face) *rooster cry*
- The Critic mocking the fact that the clown never eats the kids, wondering what is more important with his time.
- EXTREME CLOSEUP!!! WOOOOOOAAAAAAH!!!
- "We can either bring a machine gun or a slingshot. Rambo or Dennis the Menace? (thinks) You're going down, Mr. Wilson! PEWPEWPEW!"
- The critic's reaction to IT's true form is hilarious:
What? WHAT? (throws whiskey in his face)
WHATT??!! We waited three fucking hours for that??!! You can't be serious. You can't be serious!! If I heard that a movie called 'It' was just building up to a big silly monster, I think THIS (picture of Cousin Itt)
would have been a better payoff!!
- "Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, we see that the fortune cookies have been replaced with Marilyn Manson's wind-up toys, which, of course, scares the living shit out of them."
- "Yes, my dear. Would I lie?"
- The Critic having written "BALLOONS" on the wall in red.
- The Critic's reaction To The Clown Dog.
This is the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life— (slurred)
Ah? It's supposed to be scary? Nah, nah, it's supposed to be funny! It's a dog dressed up as a clown
in slowmotion! Ah? That was really supposed to be scary? Well it's not! It's not!
- The Contrived Coincidence of Henry Bowers and his gang being the only bullies anybody encounters in the story.
"Are these the only fucking bullies in the town?! Come on, kids, give the skinheads across the street a chance!"
- One of Doug's edited flashback transitions has the distinctive "woosh" sound from Lost
- "Oh no, she dropped her can of Beer beer! Isn't that the drink that the movie Steel made famous?"
- Mario Kart Death Race 2000
- "Don't forget to hit pedestrians to get the golden coins!"
- ZUUL, BEGORRAH, ZUUL!!!
- "Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow! Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!"
- The Critic's impersonation of The Cinema Snob, and when he can't keep it up...
Critic: (coughs) God damn it, I'm sick of this shit! How the hell do you do that voice?!
Snob: YEARS of drinking Crystal Pepsi, my friend.
- The Raiders of the Lost Ark bit.
But wait a minute, if that happened to him, whatever happened to the box? Snob:
Oh, that's OK, he's being looked after by top men. Critic:
Who? Snob: Top. Men. (cut to the ending from Raiders of the Lost Ark, with a logo saying "Notre Dame Fighting Irish Merchandise" superimposed over it.)
- "What is this, Clovers for Algernon?
- When Jennifer Aniston tries to call for help over the phone.
Hello, hello? Help us please! Come help us, we're trapped inside of here! Pennywise:
Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You DO? Well you better let the poor guy out. A-ha, a-ha, a-ha!
- This bit.
- Snob smashing the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
- Which was a Call-Back to the Top 11 Mascots episode. The Critic even thanks him for doing so!
- Basically all of the Critic and Snob interactions.
Critic: Thanks for joining me, Cinema Snob!
Snob: Oh, thank you for— ...No. This was a giant waste of time. (leaves)
Snob: (childishly) You're a dickhole!
- And this exchange towards the beginning.
Critic: (imitating the Snob) And we're going to review this little masterpiece, right here, toda—
Snob: Uh, excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Critic: ... I'm the Cinema Snob.
Snob: I'm the Cinema Snob.
Critic: No, I'm the Cinema Snob.
Cinema Snob: No, I'm the Cinema Snob.
Both in unison: Tssssssssssssss-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh.
Cinema Snob: Well, okay, what do you say we review this anus turkey together?
Nostalgia Critic: I would like that.
Both: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA— tsssssssssssss-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhh.
- When the leprechaun gets his hand cut off...
- Both Snob and Critic's reaction to the one epic line in the film:
- Three Guys That Paint, on CBS!
- "Hop on your pogo stick, your pogo stick, your pogo stick..."
- The leprechaun wheelchair chase would have been funny enough already, but adding "Yakkety Sax" makes it downright hilarious.
Snob (as leprechaun): You will take me seriously!
- How about when the tiny lepre-kart flips over the truck?
Both: Aww, come on!
Critic: What, is the truck made out of styrofoam?!
Snob: My Hot Wheels don't flip over that easy!
- Jim Carrey-Bacon's explanation for what happened to the house is... a bear did it.
- When Tory is told that the only way to kill the leprechaun is to get a four-leaf clover, we get this:
My Pet Monster
- The Critic behaving like a sexually confused little boy. And writing in a diary exactly how a teenage girl would, kicking his legs and giggling a couple of times.
Dear Diary: Bernie said another joke today. God, he's funny, if only he knew the feelings I had towards him. If only... I was brave enough to tell him. God I'm a coward! [...] I almost had my chance today, but I chickened out at the last moment. Stupid Billy, stupid! Ah...One day you will be mine.
- Rob with a raptor head reading The Far Side.
Rob: Ah, Gary Larson. I like cows too.
- "Yeah, 'cause I remember acting like a monkey in eighth grade. ...God, I was pitied."
- "Daaaaaaw, thinking is haaaard!"
- His epic rant about the monster presented in the movie.
"So let me get this straight. This children's play thing that you can get at Toys R Us for like $15 is a better special effect than this animatronic CHUCK-E-CHEESE NIGHTMARE?!?! YOU LIED TO ME, MOVIE! YOU LIED TO ME! I thought I was getting this! But noooo! Instead I'm getting... (shudders)
THE FUCKING CRACK BABY
OF Where the Wild Things Are
- When the monster goes through the fence in fast-motion:
Critic: JESUS!!! (falls from his chair) The movie just got a sudden meth attack out of nowhere!
- "So the statue decides to transform Max because... DERPITY DO..."
- Warning: May turn you into Technicolor Wookie Diarrhea.
- "The ancient civilization of the Muppet tribe."
- The whole Wet Banana commercial.
Here's Wet Banana! Critic:
You can bounce and slide on Wet Banana like Billy! Critic:
Yes....be like Billy and take ride on the Wet Banana. Narrator:
You can dip and slide like Willy! Critic:
Yes...dipping and sliding is a good thing to do with your Wet Banana. Narrator:
Slippery wet fun for the whole gang! Critic:
A very special kind of gang, but, yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed. Narrator:
Could that be mom
on Wet Banana? Critic: (Spit Take) Narrator:
It is! Critic:
Mom! Get off my Wet Banana! ...What would Dad say?
- "My, My, That's a Fucking Big Banana".
- "Caution, may hurt some women."
- Dinosaur!Rob trying to comfort the Critic.
- Well Christmas may be canceled forever...
- Theorizing that Ecto Cooler may have very well been Slimer's splooge.
- Santa Sex Hot line.
- The Micro Machines guy doing an audiobook of Hamlet.
Critic: (listening to the "To Be or Not to Be: soliloquy, eyes crossing in confusion around the middle, ultimately leading to his head a sploding around "for in this sleep of death, what dreams may come")
- Fridge Logic of The Flintstones:
Hey Fred, how can we celebrate Christmas if Jesus hasn't been born yet? Fred:
Just eat your fuckin'
- The critic doing the voice of the TV in the Fraggle Rock Books bit.
- The whole Magic Potty Baby bit.
It's fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty. Critic:
NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S FUCKING GROSS!
- At the end of the ad:
Magic Potty Baby and her magic potty. No water, no mess. Critic:
Just pray that doesn't have to go number two
- The Critic mocking the kid from the construction vehicle toys commercial.
GO! Kid: BAKE! Critic: BAKE! What?
- Also; Critic compares the kid to Sam Kinison note .
Critic (as kid/Sam Kinison):
"I HAVE TO SUPPORT A WIFE AND KIDS WORKING WITH YOU BOZOS SO LET'S GET IT RIIIIGHT!!!!" (cut to clips of Kinison from the movie, Back to School
- About the picture labeled "Apple Jacks '94" at the end of the Apple Jacks commercial: "Do you think the kids from It did that? Like when they all took that picture together they simply labeled it as the summer of Apple Jacks '54? Y'know, instead of the summer of OH MY GOD A KILLER CLOWN A FUCKING KILLER CLOWN DON'T EVER FORGET THE KILLER CLOWN A KILLER CLOWN."
- How he mentions the kid from the Giggles cookies commercial is laughing harder than someone stoned of their ass.
- "Turn the gas off! TURN THE GAS OFF!!!"
- Concerning Chia pets:
- He has a bout of Fridge Logic regarding the existence of the Popples.
Why were they playing with a furry, pillow-like ball to begin with? "Hey, you got our basketball? Oh wow, that's a hairy fucker! And it doesn't bounce in the slightest! This'll do us well."
- "Ohh, you meant the Nintendo Entertainment System! I thought you meant the Animatronic Horse That Only Eats Toothpaste and Circus Midgets. ...It's very big in Sweden.
- Critic's parody of Poor Jack is this, a Heartwarming Moment and a Moment of Awesome all in one.
- The Critic watching the Micromachine Man, then having everything else seem really slow.
Mom: Biiiilllllyyyy, iiiittt's mmooottthhheerrrr...cooommmeeee toooo diinnnnneeerrrrr...."
Old vs New: The Ten Commandments vs. The Prince of Egypt
The Thief and the Cobbler
- At the beginning:
The name of the film is "The Thief and the Cobbler... Or, "The Princess and the Cobbler"... Or, "Arabian Knight"?... Or, "An Abomination of Assness"
, which is what most people call it.
- Vincent Price and his pre-recorded phone calls to the Critic.
- —> Him describing Tack as looking like "Beetlejuice's Raggedy Ann doll."
- The return of the Mind Fuck montage. The chase scene's Deranged Animation has the Critic gleefully giving in to the madness, as Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta" plays. Keep in mind, this is actually a positive for the Critic, as he continually reminds the audience that the animation by famed Canadian animation Richard Williams is quite good.
- "Basically, this film is a product of ANIMATED INBREEDING!"
- Critic's parody of the unbelievably generic songs in the film. Made even funnier when you look at the lower left-hand corner and see the words "Directed by Tommy Wiseau".
- His note about how all the main characters have names that sound more like a baby learning how to talk, and his enactment that follows:
Critic (as a toddler): (picture of a tack) Tack! (picture of a maze) Zig-Zag! (picture of a slice of pie) Yum-yum! (picture of the the title card of the movie) Shitty fuck fuck, shitty fuck, shit fuck!
- Critic's (rather creepy) super head-turn.
- The OF COURSE! meme preempts the Critic's usual line.
- This Accidental Innuendo:
Now that I have the balls— Yakko:
Good night, everybody!
- In the beginning, when the narration says "... whose magic protected it from the evil King One-Eye and his army of darkness...", a clip from the Army of Darkness shows up.
- Critic wondering what in the heck the power of the 3 golden balls could be...
- "The grass felt soft on my feet, why don't I monologue about that for several hours? The grass is green, a frog is green, I'm sure I can talk about this in great detail somehow."
- "Butt-scratcher! Butt-scratcher!"
- The response to the opening narrative: "Oh great, it's a trailer for another Al Gore movie."
- The best one was where he was playing the Mortal Kombat theme.
- "LET'S GET READY FOR STUUUUUUUUUUFFFF!!"
- "Next time, it'll be a perm with blonde highlights. ''breathes through his nose** BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS!"
- How appalled he is that Costner sends Helen down into the water when he should know better than to leave the kid on the raft after completely blowing his location to the Smokers just minutes prior.
Critic: Oh look! The Smokers got her! Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're all IDIOTS!
- While we're at it, the idiot clock itself was a pretty good crowning moment as well, as it leads right up to this payoff.
- "She can't swim!" "SHE CAN'T SWIM?!! YOU'RE IN A PLACE CALLED WATERWORLD AND YOU CAN'T SWIM?!?! That's like being in the Arctic and not knowing how to put on a coat! Some things just go without saying!"
- During the Smokers' highly-choreographed attack on the atoll:
Critic: Okay, this is turning into a watershow. Just slap the Universal Studios Florida logo in the corner and the advertising takes care of itself.
- How about when the people on the Atoll try to pass off a young woman on Costner?
"We can look to our own for impregnation, but... too much of that sort of thing gets... undesirable..." ("Dueling Banjos")
- This little gem:
In the interest of public safety, he is hereby sentenced to recycling! Critic:
Into WHAT, Keanu Reeves
- Or when Gregor unleashes his flying device...
I'm sorry! It was an accident! The Wizard of Oz:
I can't come back, I don't know how it works! Goodbye folks!
- The loop of Enola getting punched.
- The Goofy yell added to when the Mariner gets whiplashed off his own boat.
- "AAAAAAAAAH!" "AAAAAAAAAH!" "Ba-bomb!"
- Critic using his little kid voice to make Samuel L. Jackson sound more badass in Pulp Fiction like Enola's attempt to make Costner's character sound more badass;
His fro can block out the light of a thousand suns, his teeth can take out the biggest of Kahuna burgers and his constant use of the N-Word
makes my mommy so angry but he's so worth the R-rating (Jackson fires a gun)
I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?
- His response to Costner's Dull Surprise.
- "They meet up with a drifter who I swear to God is played by a perverted Robin Williams."
- This line from the beginning of the video.
It's the greatest time of the year, Christmas. Christmas has everything you could possibly need; Santa, snow, presents, Zod
- His version of Rodney talking about the film with Harold Ramis:
- Any comment on the incessant one-liners!
- The Jeopardy! bit when he wants us to guess the one-liner.
- The build-up to the "corn dog" line.
- "GO FARM EQUIPMENT!"
- Straight after the first time delivers a series of bad one-liners.
Critic: Yeeeaah, um... how many more one-liners are there in this movi—?
Critic: (voice cracking) OH, GOD!!
- "It could be worse. I mean this is a kid's film they could be singing a song right now—NO NO NO NO NO NO!"
Critic: All in favor of skipping this song say "Fuck off!"
Audience: "FUCK OFF!"
Critic: Thank you!
- The bit with Treebeard about the amount of trees used to make the film. The sign saying "For Rover Dangerfield" and the Ear Worm song playing in the background at realization makes it 100 times funnier.
- The "The End" title cards
- The Audience reaction to the scene where the turkey dies and Rover desperately tries to convince the farmer otherwise.
- Comparing Rover to the Duck Hunt Dog.
- The Critic saying that whenever Rover tells a one-liner, it feels like the character is reaching out of the screen and slapping him. We then see Rover tell another one-liner, then proceeding to reach out of the screen and slap the Critic.
- When the kid reads Rover's name off the dog's red tie: "At least it says so on his Nostalgia Critic tie!"
- Comedians who could be in bad animated spinoffs:
- Red Robin Williams, Andrew "Dice" Clay, The Chris Rock, Eddie Lizard, and Pen & Teller
- "Yeah, they're shit! But they're still better than this fucking crap!" What's also funny is that he's acting like one of those awful art students, the ones who do great work in under five minutes, call it crap and make their peers seethe with jealousy.
- This exchange.
This is hard for me Rover, but you've taken a life. Critic (as Farmer):
A life that... we were gonna take anyway
. Um... but, um... Elysia:
IT WAS A LIFE! Critic (as Farmer):
Yeah, what she said!
Farmer: Rover, I wish we spoke the same language...
Critic: Oh, what, you don't speak Badjokeese?
- This moment:
- The Shout-Out to The Nostalgia Chick's review of Showgirls. "Doesn't she know that everybody got AIDS and shit?"
- "You'll curse the day you ever messed with the easily excitable Pussy Gang!"
- After the Critic says that Rover's reaction to his master coming to pick him up is, "of course, heartbreaking":
Dad's gonna bring the pick-up around and take you to the airport. (Rover jumps around and dances joyfully until he sees Daisy) Critic:
... What an asshole
- "Heh-hey, looks like I did end with a bang!"
- "What's next, a Nostalgia Kitten?"
CREDIT CARD??!!! Eh? Eh? (is shot; Duck Hunt dog appears with a sub-machine gun and laughs)
You're A Rotten Dirty Bastard - A Christmas Special
- Bargo (as
Wembley Giggles): ...and that's when Mary Poppins had an abortion, and later she became a revolutionary!
- The different variations of the reviewers: The Cinema Snob as the world's greatest porn star; Linkara as head of DC and Marvel; The Nostalgia Chick as a mother of one, happily married to the child's stay-at-home dad, whilst also having become the most respected director in cinema today (She remarks that she can call her Twilight remake "Twilight: The Good Version" simply because she's directing), with a close friendship & working relationship with Nella to boot; Spoony as the Nostalgia Critic beloved even by Douchey McNitpick; and Angry Joe as the President Of United States. Phelous, however, gets killed when Joe blows up Canada. The Nostalgia Critic's reactions seal the whole deal.
- Ask That Guy is much nicer and well-adjusted without the Critic around. Even though he still loves hookers, of course.
- Roger and the Critic Tempting Fate after seeing Joe's alternate future.
Oh, come on! These can't possibly be as bad as Joe being the President of the United States. Critic:
I suppose you're right. I mean, it can't get any worse.
(Spoony's alternate future
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Insert present-Critic's girly scream
- "Is this a pep talk? Because let me tell you, it's not helping. Pep talks are supposed to make you feel peppy, not make you want to take a shower with a fucking toaster!"
- The "pep talk" itself, complete with Title Drop:
Roger: See, Critic, you really were a rotten dirty bastard, All the people you came in contact with would have led a better life [places his left hand on NC's shoulder] if you had never met them at all.
- Following the failed pep talk and NC's very angry reaction, Roger is just stumped. He has never met a person so hated as NC. He usually finds at least one person who misses the person he's working with. "Statistically, this doesn't seem possible!"
- The ending, when the Critic insults in turn each of the reviewers who had vastly better lives simply by not knowing him, and each one makes a retort displaying their hatred for him.
Critic: Merry Christmas, you porn-reviewing fucktard!
Cinema Snob: Blow me!
Critic: Merry Christmas, you self-righteous activist for anything, you!
Nostalgia Chick: (deadpan) I so wish you'd die.
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pasty comic book-reading ass-magnet, you!
(Linkara puts down his comic and flips the Critic off)
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you over-excitable Puerto Rican jumping bean!
Angry Joe: Oh, I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it.
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pompous reject of everything likable, you!
Spoony: (cheerfully) Thanks a lot, I'll see you in hell!
- "Hmm...so God lied to me....that seems like a dick move"
- Spoony laughing maniacally for seconds straight at the camera. Even funnier when you realize he isn't aware that the Critic and Roger are there, yet he's still pretty much mocking him!
- Once the fight scene between Roger and The Critic began. Roger's ability to slide across the ground, stop time to beat up the Critic, and that little tiger-roar when he smiled were too much.
- The expressions on NC's face are the cherry on top.
- The ending.
Santa Christ: Ho ho ho! So as you see, boys and girls, the moral of the story is...
(Santa Christ proceeds to look around the room blankly for three or four seconds, and the credits roll)
- Good god, the bloopers. Doug and Rob turning Santa Christ into an anti-semite, Nostalgia Spoony laughing madly until he falls out of his chair, then completing his impression the only way possible:
Spoony: A BAT CREDIT CARD? NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!
- Spoony laughing hysterically for a really long time. Finally he stops and catches his breath.
Spoony: Almost lost my goddamn mind for a minute there!
- When Doug cracked up at Ma-Ti saying, "But Critic, you can't leave!", Doug: "Sorry, it's the voice."
Raiders of the Story Arc: TMNT
- The pull-string action figure of Dennis Miller, and the lines he says throughout the review.
- The "Ninja Movie Week" bit
- The first shot of April O'Neill.
- TURTLE SQUEEZE
- This exchange:
- How Shredder, having known where the Turtles' headquarters were as early as episode 5, could've just destroyed them and the series would be over.
Michelangelo: Alright, dudes! Let's go find the Shred—
(the Technodrome smashes through the wall and crushes the Turtles flat)
- "Turtles fight with X!" or "Turtles X with honor!", in reference to Donatello's completely out-of-the-blue and out-of-context battle cry.
- The look of despair that creeps over the Critic's face when he realizes that unlike his other January-month specials, this is going to suck.
- When the turtles' flying car stops running and Donatello determines that the fuel consists of plutonium:
How terrific. Maybe we can get a tow to the nearest plutonium station. Marty McFly:
Y-You don't just walk into a store and buy plutonium!
- The Critic wondering how on earth they were able to drive the Turtle-Van underground to the Technodrome.
- "And to your right, you'll see a giant Lego igloo."
- The Critic's reaction upon realizing that the characters didn't care about the many likely deaths when April's apartment building collapsed:
Oh my God, the loss of innocent life! Lord knows how many innocent families were in there and now are suddenly [sobbing]
de-ea-ea-ead! Oh my God! The impact this must have on our heroes! April:
Boy, they sure don't build 'em like they used to! [the Critic stares aghast for a moment] Critic:
What the hell would you say if you just saw the Hindenburg disaster? 'Uh-oh! Spaghetti-O's!
'...THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?! [An image of April appears with the words and condemning vocal "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON" over the top.]
- This bit, which involves an old lady being scared by the turtles:
Critic: OK; we all know this gag. The woman overreacts and runs away screaming while (the old lady pulls out a machinegun and points it at the turtles and April) HOLY SHIT!
One twitch and you're history, scum! Now back off, nice and easy! Critic (imitating the lady):
Moses from Planet of the Apes
says it's my right to own one of those things and BY GOD I'm going to exercise that right!
- When April is kidnapped by some Foot soldiers:
Critic: All right, sending camera crew to hmm-hmm-hmm. By any chance, is that off of "HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP!" Street?
- His reaction to episode 2's title.
- "... This one begins with Donatello putting together the Turtle Van, because, as we heard in the opening, Donatello does machines." (picture of Rosie) "No, not like that. I... You're gross."
- The Critic mocks the exterminator who refused to buy Baxter Stockman's mousers:
: Four green maniacs are running loose in this town, and you havent brought me... diddly-squat! Critic
: Whoa, hey, watch the language, pal! (slow motion replay of "Diddly-squat") Critic
: Any further, and we'd be in "fiddle-dee-dee" territory.