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- The beginning:Critic: Hey everybody, it's January! You know what that means! ...Probably not, 'cause I just made it up! It's Nickelodeon month!
- Ren & Stimpy: "Sure it was gross and vulgar, but on the other hand, it was gross and vulgar!
- The extreme close-up on what is eventually revealed to be Spike's tongue when Critic mentions Rugrats' weird episode openers.
- Angelica's face put over a bunch of disasters.
- Critic imagining what the Rugrats characters would be like when they grew up: Chuckie would be Garth from Wayne's World, Tommy would be Paul Giamatti, Phil and Lil would be John and Joan Cusack, and Angelica would be Hillary Clinton.
- While discussing the Rugrats episode where Chuckie is being potty trained:Chuckie: They're trying to make me use that! (pointing to training potty) Instead of my diaper!
Phil: Aw, that can't happen!
Lil: Yeah, how's it gonna fit in your pants?
Critic: Aw, this is just too pwecious!
Tommy: Maybe you could just stop pooping altogether!
Critic: ...and that's just gross.
Lil: Maybe you could put a lot of napkins in your pants and use them like a diaper!
Critic: ...that's even grosser.
Phil: Maybe you could poop in your room and hide it in your toybox!
Critic: OK, STOP! STOP! Look, whether you call it "poopy" or "poo-poo" or whatever... It's still shit! You're talking about shit! Knock it off, you're grossing me out!
- And then...Chuckie: (after accidentally peeing on the bathroom floor) Uh-oh...
Critic: Oh! That's charming.
- And then...
- The decreasing power of "Adventure Ho!" as the show goes on.
- Critic mentioning the viewer knows another man whose name is Doug.
- Also, the fact he concludes the Rugrats review by stating the next review is really scary, complete with dramatic drumroll and slow zoom-ins.
- Describing the music in Doug as "literally farting out its own soundtrack".Critic: We're gonna need a faster tempo. Howard! More pork and beans!
- During the Rocko's Modern Life review, Critic tells us of one of the stranger episodes, involving a cat with a hook for a hand, a tooth destroying the city, and...Critic: But THAT'S not the strange part, no, the strange part is this!
(a foot with a face comes out of nowhere, introduces itself as Gordon, and proceeds to talk about dental hygiene while Critic screams in horror)
- The Great War of Australian Stereotypes. It is...it is so very much a funny visual.
- Two moments while discussing about Hey Arnold!
- Critic discusses Helga naming her fist, and tells everyone he named his two fists:Helga: You're gonna have to answer to Ol' Betsy.
Critic: That's not so tough, I named my fists too: this is Glenda and Pancake... I know, it doesn't seem very frightening but when you look at the... SHUT UP!
- Critic going crazy over Helga's love/hate relationship with Arnold:
- Critic discusses Helga naming her fist, and tells everyone he named his two fists:
- "A boot, about, a boot, about, a boot, about, GET IT RIGHT!"
- "What is it with these 90s shows and having all the lyrics be nothing but 'doo's, 'da's and 'na's?"
- When reviewing Hey Dude!:Announcer: Better watch out for those man-eating jackrabbits, and that killer cacti!
Critic: Man eating jackrabbits? Good fuck, this sounds cool! So tell me, what's our first adventure?
Buddy: I'm starting to turn into my father!
Critic: ... WOW!!!!
- During one scene where the characters debate who should be in charge while Ernst is gone, Critic eventually snaps and shouts, "JUST CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!!!"
- The beginning:Critic: Hey, kids! It's Saturday night!
Critic: School is out!
Critic: The night is young!
Critic: All your friends are free!
Critic: And you can't drive!
- Critic's introduction to Roundhouse:
- NC explaining the premise of Roundhouse, where there's improv and you have to imagine certain situations.Critic: Now, imagine that I am changing the channel. Oh, wait. I don't. (holds up remote) Thats why we have concrete matter. (deep, demonic voice) USE IT!!
- At the end of one episode of Roundhouse, when the actor starts dancing at the end of a sketch.Critic: Dancing! Hi! Why are we dancing? I mean, what the hell? It's like they ran out of punch lines, so they just decided to dance. "Oh, no! I have no segue! What should I do?" "Dance, you fool! Dance!"
- His remarks on a sketch on Roundhouse for a product called the Crash-Your-Eyes bra:Critic: Thats right. If only women had breasts on their eyes! Then we would pay attention to them!
- When the cast of Roundhouse starts to sing:Shawn: And talk to meee...
Critic: Shut the fuck uuuuup...
- Right after praising All That for African-Americans in their cast, he instantly changes his mind and calls them racist because In Living Color! had a higher percentage of black people.
Katrina: (as Ros Perot, plopping a couple dollar sign bags on the desk) I got four billion dollars, so listen up.
- His belief that Katrina Johnson had one of the best impersonations of H. Ross Perot on TV, beating out even Dana Carvey.
Critic: Wow. Right down to the fact that he thinks he actually has money. How delightfully perceptive.
- When he makes fun of the Midnight Society from Are You Afraid of the Dark?, including this part:Gary: But one thing draws us together.
Critic: Smoking weed around the fireplace.
Gary: The dark!
Critic: And smoking weed around the fireplace.
- During the review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, after the new recruit tells their scary story, the various members give thumbs up... except for Simon Cowell.Critic: Simon?
- The bad acting on the kid actor in the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode ("But you can't see air. Or can you. Waaaait a second, there's a trick here. You can't put something in the barrel to make it lighter. You have to take something out. If you take something out of the barrel itself, it'll be lighter...?"). Critic says it's pretty bad, and observes that his acting reminds him of someone he knows: Footage of the child actor dissolves into Chester A. Bum rambling.
- "SCREAMING IN EVERY OTHER SENTENCE IS NOT FUNNY! IT IS LOUD AND ANNOYING! AND ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD BE SHOT..." (bang) "Unshot..." (bang) "And given a bag of money." (NC receives a bag of money to his surprise) "How about some lounge music?" (lounge music plays)
- After showing a clip of Kenan Thompson losing it at Kel Mitchell on Kenan & Kel:Critic: Abbott!
- His EPIC freakout upon learning that he has to review Good Burger next.
- His reaction to Ed's dream in the beginning. He finally has to yell for it to stop, because he needs a minute.
- The scene where Mr. Wheat shoves Dexter onto his car is interpreted as something else by the Critic:Critic: No, no, no, that's wrong. That's wrong. Bad touch, bad touch! That's a very bad touch! Sinbad, no, no! Stop it, stop it! Stop it! ALL RIGHT! I HAVE NO CHOICE! ELEPHANT! (The Burger King appears, to heavenly choir) (sighs) I never thought that would be my callback to reality. But I'll take it.
- The "Grape Nose Boy" scene from the Good Burger review, which ends with Critic describing the actually non-existent Eleventh Level Of Hell.And lo and behold, an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout 'Bloopity bloopity bloopity bloopity', and it will be called the Eleventh Level of Hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.
- The Overly Long Gag preceding it, ending with Critic tearfully shouting at Ed to "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!"
- Critic's reaction to Abe Vigoda. "*Record Needle Scratch, Critic waves his hand in a rewinding motion* Abe Vigoda, what are you doing?" Later: "Will someone please give Abe some direction? He's the funniest thing in this movie, and I don't even think he's supposed to be in it!"
- When someone asks how much longer his character can live, Critic responds "YOU CAN'T KILL ME. I'M ABE VIGODA!"
- The clips of Hitler with subtitles like "And don't forget the fries with that! God HELP you if you forget the fries with that!" and "First, we will make cheeseburgers, then we will make milkshakes. Heil Mondo Burger!"
- Critic later calls Mondo Burger "Hitler Burger".
- When the protagonists see that Mondo Burger is adding illegal substances to their food:Critic: MONDO BURGER IS PEOPLE!!!!
- After the film attempts to do an emotional scene, we get this:Dexter: I give up. I'm going home.
Critic!Dexter: And I ain't acting, I'm really going home. Fuck this movie.
- The running gag with the tumbleweed once a bad joke is told. By the third time, the tumbleweed says "You know what? Fuck it.", and proceeds to walk off-screen in protest.
- The end, where Critic starts sarcastically praising the film until...Ed: Welcome to the Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Critic: (feigning amusement) Yes, yes you can. (a Balrog's face appears over his own) DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!
- He goes on:Critic: THIS IS CRAP! IT'S GODAWFUL! GOOD BURGER? GOOD GOD, WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT! IT'S LIKE IF SHIT COULD SHIT AND THAT SHIT COULD SHIT AND THAT SHIT COULD SHIT AND THAT SHIT COULD RAISE MONEY TO PUT TOGETHER A TEAM OF FILMMAKERS TO PRODUCE A STEAMING FLAMING PILE OF SHIT!
- What makes this even funnier is that his voice begins to strain as he runs out of breath.
- He goes on:
- The last part of the review:Ed: Why don't you want a partnership? Is it cause I'm black?
Critic: AAGH! A FUNNY JOKE!
Ferngully: The Last Rainforest
- The montage of clips of the Chick and Critic fighting. Then it cuts to them having a playful pillow fight. Then right back to them fighting again.
- Critic singing Sweet Transvestite while the Nostalgia Chick randomly plays the accordion in the background is just hilarious.
- The bit after the Chick invokes a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment and plays a riff to herald it.
- Whenever there's a BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
- The glowing holding-hands G-Rated Sex.Chick: Now you're pregnant.
Critic: AHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! (tries to pull away)
Chick: (smiles evilly and holds on to him)
- Especially funny if you're a Trekkie.
- Don't you ever try to bring logic into this movie again! This is FERNGULLY, BITCH!
- (after a scene with two very small-brained birds asking for a password:) "Welcome to hell?" (awkward smile) "Don't eat shrooms?" (awkward smile)
- Their expression when the two birds yell "Halt! Who goes there?" is priceless.
- "Isn't that right Jasmin - I mean Crysta. Maybe we should consult The Genie - I mean Batty. After all, that is why I'm Sultan - I mean king!... Which animated movie am I in again?"
- The following exchange:
- "Oh! He raps!"
- "Hooray! I'm back to normal! Except... (looks down pants) NOOOO!"
- Plus the Chick looking down too and being disturbed.
- Every time they snap back to the looks on Critic and Chick's faces.
- "TOO SUBTLE!"
- Critic and Chick imitating fighting cats after the cock contest.
- "Look out, it's the plot!"
A Kid in King Arthur's Court
- Critic mentioning that Calvin plays baseball so bad he deserves to be mocked by everyone. Even stating that the land hates him (referring to the earthquake that kicks off the plot).
- The running gag with Calvin being scared of baseballs.Critic!Calvin: Be careful, I think there might be a baseball in there! It'll kill your family!
- Upon seeing someone who, despite pretending to have no ill intentions, is quite obviously going to be the villain introduced, Critic says," By the way, did I mention that I'm the villain in this movie? No, because I don't have to!"
- Critic realizing that one of Arthur's daughters is being played by a then-unknown Kate Winslet.Critic: Don't try to class this up, lady, it's not worth it.
- That's topped when the blonde-haired knight at an armory turns around to reveal...Critic: Daniel Craig?! He's in this too?! Good God! This is like that desperate porno a celebrity makes before they become famous! Only worse and far less entertaining!
- That's topped when the blonde-haired knight at an armory turns around to reveal...
- After a minor Relationship Writing Fumble between the two princesses, we cut to Calvin and King Arthur chewing gum. "What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?"
- When the sisters reunite and Kate Winslet gives her co-star a kiss on the cheek, the Critic is once again derailed, but pauses to ask:
- "'Ha! Did you see what I just did there? I made fun of your acting! Ha ha ha! Because I'm the one who's going to have a career after this movie! I was the villain in True Lies! When will you ever be in a James Cameron movie? Ah, ha ha ha!' Oh, God, I'm funny." Yeah, actually, you are.
- "Don't mind me, I'm just a moving hunk of armour with a kid's face for a crotch!"
- "Quiet, I think I hear my daughter pussing out."
- When he comments on how Calvin can't hear the girl getting kidnapped.Calvin: Princess.
Critic!Katie: Help me!
Calvin: I haven't had this much fun in my whole life.
Critic!Katie: Call the guards!
Calvin: I know you're worried about your father.
Critic!Katie: I'm worried about me you moron!
Calvin: I guess that's all.
Critic!Katie: Don't leave me!
Calvin: Oh, yeah...
Calvin: You're a great kisser.
Critic!Katie: Oh my god, What an Idiot!!
- The Critic making fun of Arthur's acting:Arthur: (to Belasco) Why are you wasting my time? Find me that boy! (tilting his head) Bring me his head on a pike!
Critic: "I'M ACTING!" (shakes and tilts his head a few times)
- Arthur lets Belasco escape, baffling Critic:Arthur: The people believe me to be a coward and the guards are still loyal to Belasco. Bide thy time, young knight. When the hour is nigh... we'll nail him!
Critic!Arthur: Yes, we'll wait until he kills me in my sleep, murders my daughters, and takes my his place on the throne. And then... we'll really get him!
- And later:Critic!Arthur: Yes, it's all part of the plan. He wins the tournament, marries my daughter, rules the kingdom, and then... we spring into action!
- And later:
- Critic sarcastically calling Daniel Craig's character's Non Sequitur, *Thud* a great James Bond moment.
- His signoff:Critic: My only hope is that I can knock out all memory of this movie by hitting myself on the head repeatedly with the complete works of Shakespeare. [hits his head with a book] A Cock in King Arthur's Couch. I still have a long way to go. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't Blue's Clues. [walks off hitting his head with the book]
The Good Son
- The review for The Good Son was a piece of genius, as Critic did it (mostly) silently.
- When the camera hangs on to the scene of Culkin offering Wood his own Michael Myers mask, Critic holds up a sign saying, "CUT???".
- When Henry offers Mark a cigarette, and a PSA showing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles talking to a class is shown. When Mark takes the cigarette, the turtles respond with shock.
- The commercial parodies (the only voiced parts), especially the last one delivered in a completely calm tone:Critic: Doing some climbing? Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders? Your own son tried to kill you as he's fighting your nephew, turning your perception of reality completely upside down? Pepperidge Farm: 'Cause your life's really fucked up.
- "Hi, Mark." "HOLY HELL!!!"
- NC's jaw dropping upon Henry's "Don't fuck with me."*cue card*: The Home Alone kid just said 'Don't fuck with me'. I can actually feel my childhood dying. It's going, going... *A crunching sound is heard. Critic flips over the cue card* Dead. *A heart with wings and a halo with the word "childhood" written on it floats away, and Critic waves goodbye to it as a short tune is heard*
- Every scene where Critic is confused/angry at how blatantly evil Henry (Culkin's character) is, yet none of the movie's characters notice.
- The NC's silent confusion towards the mother's angry reaction of slapping Mark, then immediately hugging him.
- The psychiatrist scene.Psychiatrist: Please, Henry, tell me everything.
Critic: *loud truck horn*
- "I love how a friggin' CHILD PSYCHIATRIST can't tell that a kid talking like a damn robot is lying!"
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog/Sonic Sat AM
- It seems as though his mind has already snapped when we first see him with a Heroic BSoD look on his face:Critic: I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world. (beat) UNTIL TODAY!! When that reality was challenged by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog."
- His attempt at retiring the "Of Course!" gag with Bison constantly interrupting him ending with his panel flattening Critic.Fucking joke.
- Critic talking about how Scratch and Grounder's voices sound like ones you use when you make fun of somebody.Critic: So I'm sitting there just talking to my friends, when suddenly the teacher walks in and is like (imitating Scratch) "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
Scratch: He made me persistent! He made you too dumb to quit!
Critic: And then my idiot friend is like (imitating Grounder) "Duhh, I don't know, I thought it started later!"
Grounder: Yeah! The chase is over!
Critic: Yeah, you made them sound annoying for a reason. (beat) THEY ANNOY YOU!!!
- "How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like? 'Hey, kids! Ren & Stimpy making too much sense for ya'? Then put on ''The Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog! You'll love this cosmic, out-of-body raping of your senses! It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on! You must be at least this high to watch.' "
- His annoyance at this moment.Sonic: (speeds up next to a robot and points off in the distance) I'm over there. (runs off, leaving the robot looking confused)Critic: HOW does that WORK? I don't care how dumb you think you are, nobody's going to react to someone running up next to them and saying 'I'm over there' with (mockingly) 'Oh, he's over there.' EVEN THE MENTALLY ILL AREN'T THAT STUPID!
- This famous moment: "What!? What!? Buh... Pumpkin!? What!? Pumpkin?! What!? I don't care what drug-induced land you're in, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. How did you even come to that conclusion?! I mean what's next, he's gonna blow in his hand a beautiful woman's gonna come out?? (Scratch pulls a drawstring on his hand and a woman comes out) (low pitch) WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"
- "HOW can you blow into your hand and make a WOMAN? WHY would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you can blow into your hand and make a WOMAN?! IT DOES NOT! ADD! UP!"
- "This is torture! This is madness!!"
- The clip shown from A Clockwork Orange, making it so that Alex is being subjected to watching the show, especially since it sounds eerily like Alex is screaming "STOP IT, STOP IT, PLEASE, I BEG YOU !"
- The Critic's reaction to one of the Sonic Sez segments, where his mind finally snaps under the madness:Sonic: Believe it or not, every year some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet.
Critic: (sporting sarcastic smile) ...Really?? Kids climbing in dryers is such a national problem that they have to devote the entire end of an episode to that?... You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watch this show, this is probably a good thing to teach. Because my guess is, when they're not trying to operate machinery with their butt cheeks, they're probably trying to do something stupid like this! I mean, what else could you possibly teach that would be as stupid as that?
Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth!
Critic: ...FUCK THIS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! (proceeds to shoot the entire cast of AoStH)
- Regarding Robotnik in SatAM:"But surely you can't take something as silly-looking as Robotnik and have him be the least bit intimida— [SatAM Robotnik pops up] JESUS!"It's like he's orgasming with every word!"
- It leads to this:Robotnik: It warms the cockles of my heart.
Critic: Okay, the less I know about your cockles, the better.
- It leads to this:
- Regarding SatAM: Honest to god effort, unlike (argh!) That. OTHER. SHOW!!!
- Even before that, when the opening of SatAM plays for the first time, he is shown crying Tears of Joy.
- Regarding Princess Sally Acorn: "You're not really a princess, you just took the title because it was cute! Take some responsibility. You're a queen now. QUEEN IT UP, BITCH!"
- Critic mocking Antoine's cowardice:Antoine: Zis terrible place eez not so good for our health. We go home, yes?
Critic: (imitating a French accent) In fact, why don't we just surrendur? 'Cause zat's all we French know how to do, right? Surrendur, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now, where's my French beret, accordion, twirly mustache, and striped shirt? (Beat) Jerry Lewis.
- Critic joking about Bunnie Rabbot's infamous "one-eyed snake" line.Critic!Bunnie: I wish I had a one-eyed snake come after me! Too bad my vagina eats people. What with it being robotocized and all!
- Critic's response to the environmentalism of the show.Critic: Wait, wait, I can't comprehend this...an environmental message that's...SUBTLE!?
(The word "SUBTLE" appears in big red letters)
- Critic raging at the cliffhanger finale of Sonic SatAM.:
- The closing scene in which Critic compares the two shows to two class projects:Critic: It [Sonic SatAM] literally took nothing and turned it into something. Unlike... THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it's like? It's like two students who turn in two separate projects for a class.
Critic (as student): Hey there, teach, here's my project. I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible given the guidelines, but I think I came up with a pro-enviromental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces.
Critic (as teacher): Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good characters, working beyond the material given to you... A+! Now, where's my other student, Fuck-Up McDumbass?
Critic (as Fuck-Up McDumbass): Hey, teach, here's my project, and it's AWESOME! Uh, it's got a lot of, uh, running, a lot of, uh, chili dogs, ha-huh, it's got...a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, they go "blah blah blah blah blah!" It's totally awesome.
Critic (as teacher): (not amused) McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?
Critic (as McDumbass): Nah, I just got high.
Critic (as teacher): (Beat, then gives an F)
Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks
- Critic saying "Yes.", with two other Critics then leaning onscreen and also going "Yes."
- "Well, if it isn't Mr. Puppy! Hello, Mr. Puppy--OH MY GOD, A GORILLA!!" GRRRAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRR!!
- His little kid reactions to "Halloween is Grinch Night" and "Pink Elephants on Parade".(wide-eyed stare) I just wet myself.
(confused expressions) I'm not pissing myself with fear... but why?
- "The best damn hallucination EVER!" *rocks out with Satan horns*
- "I'm already having problems with the 2D, I don't need THREE dimensions to tell me how fucked up this thing is!"
- When Critic notes how strange it is that Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny are on-screen together:Bugs: Ehh, so how's Pixar saving your ass this time, Mickey?
Mickey: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunk of shit!
- PORCUPINES ARE GOD.
- This:Critic: I'm a carrot. *Critic turns into carrot and does Evil Laugh*
- In a meta-CMOF, Doug revealed that shortly after shooting this, he came down with a high fever and hallucinated that the carrot was coming to kill him and Rob.
- "All right, I can take the madness and chaos of this world, but Brad Pitt?? FOR SOME REASON, THAT'S JUST TOO FAR!" His comment on Brad Pitt making Cool World as "surreal as possible".
- At one point, Critic ends up upside-down over a looping animation of a man slipping on a banana and a giant walking banana slipping on the man, looks around, and announces "Wait, this isn't right." So he fixes his tie.
- His reactions to the opening of Pee-wee's Playhouse.Critic: Is the window... talking?
- Then Pee-Wee pops up out of nowhere and yells, at which Critic screams. The timing was perfect.
- He also mentions the singer's voice - he hopes it's a woman, but comments that it DOES sound like someone inhaled a year's worth of helium, which is followed by this.Critic: (squeaky voice) It hoits when I bweathe!
- The #9, which is Dragon's Lair II: Time Warp. Especially funny is when he has unanswered questions about the Beethoven level:
- His ironic description of "Pink Elephants on Parade" as "a bubbly brain-bash that no amount of alcohol can make you forget."
- The ending, where he tries to get "back to reality" but footage from these mind-warping moments keeps popping up.
- He soon ends this by yelling, "ELEPHANT!" A "scary" Burger King... King shows up and dispels the weirdness.
- Just after that, he experiments, saying, "Elephant" and quickly adding the "s". He does this until...Critic: Elephant— (Burger King Logo appears and smashes Critic in the head before zooming back up) ... I had my fun.
- At the beginning of the review:
- Critic: Let's talk about disaster movies! (shows a picture of Tom and Jerry: The Movie) No, no, no...not that kind of disaster movie...
- Critic taunting the father in the beginning of the movie for his attempt to keep the tornado from opening the door. Also Dorothy's short appearance there. "Damn you, cheap Yugoslavian padlock!"
- HOOOOOOOOOORSE!Critic: None other than that swirling menace known as...Twister!!
(cue clip from the Twister Game Commercial)
Commercial: ♪Twister! The HOT SPOT!!!♪
Critic: No, no...that game is kinda hot. I'm talking about the movie devoid of hotness!
(shows picture of actress, Helen Hunt)
Critic: Mostly...devoid of hotness!
- Also:Rabbit: Funnel's getting thicker! It's moving to—
Critic: Is it me, or did the tornado just roar? (replays tornado scene) What, were there dinosaurs in that barn? (a Tyrannosaurus rex flies through the air, bellowing)
- His attempt to end the overlapping music scene by summoning the Burger King. Who gets scared by it and runs and hides.
- Look out, it's the Sears Tower! *Sears Tower crashes into the scene courtesy of clipart* The Titanic! *Titanic crashes into scene* OZZY OSBOURNE! *Ozzy Osbourne in the middle of the road*What's all this I hear about a tornado the— AIEE! (is run over by tornado chasers)
- His comment about the tornado literally chasing the heroes.Critic: What, did they have tornado treats in their pockets?
- "Uh-oh, the tornado levels are fine, but the awkwardness levels are through the roof!"
- Critic!Cow: It's okay, they were taking me to McDonald's anyway!
- Critic trying to hang himself after learning that there are 3,463,297 forced "I'm not into you" scenes.
- When Jonas is introduced:Jonas: (southern drawl) Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for mah design.
Critic: You like that? I'm doing an American and a Southern accent, so you can't even tell that I'm British.
- What happens whenever Jonas appears. *the Imperial March theme blares*Critic: JONAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!!!! (waves fist in the air)
- What happens whenever Jonas appears. *the Imperial March theme blares*
- Critic's reaction upon hearing that Jonas got corporate sponsors to assist in their research.Critic: That son of a (pounds table) BITCH!
- Commenting on Dorothy's uselessness when it comes to tornado research.Critic: (in a gleeful tone) Wow! And what do the sensors tell us? That tornadoes are unpredictable! (beat) FUCK!!!
- Talking about the stupid things that the characters continue to do throughout the film, whenever a tornado hits. Such as, taking shelter underneath an overpass, or strapping themselves to a pipe with a leather belt instead of hiding in a basement or a shelter... during an F5 tornado. It's made even more funny if you know that Doug lives in the Chicago metro area in Illinois, one of the states that resides right in Tornado Alley.Bill: These pipes go down thirty feet! If we anchor to 'em, we might have a chance!
Critic: (sarcastic chuckle) Of course! Here, I thought the smart thing to do was hide in a shelter or a basement, but nope! If you got a belt and a set of pipes, strap yourselves to 'em and you won't even be lifted off the ground! That's the smarty thing to do!
- When Bill and Jonas are driving next to each other, the Critic dubs voices in:Crony: Hi-ya!
Bill: Blow me.
- When Jonas gets sucked into a tornado.Critic: Well, they could still be OK. (Jonas's car explodes) Ooh, probably not.
- One Youtube comment about this video stated that "Bill was raised by wild tornadoes. He understands their ways."
- A Star Wars clip was shown when Dusty said a tornado was headed for Wakita.Luke Skywalker: But that would lead them... home!
- "All right, twister. It's payback time!" ("Gonna Fly Now" starts playing)
- "Avenge my twister-y death!"
- "We don't talk about F5's in this house, young lady!"
- "Gee, it's almost as if Bill can read the storm's mind. Like he can tell what the storm is thinking. But that would be absolutely retarded, wouldn't it?"
- At the end of the movie, when the F5 tornado fails to kill the heroes and vanish:
- The ending where he attempts to comfort the Burger King, who has apparently been traumatized by the movie. Then offers to get him some McDonalds food.
Garbage Pail Kids
- When Greaser Greg pulls out a switchblade:
- "Well, you know what they say; If at first you don't succeed, try try try try try trytrytrytrytry [video speeds up] TRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRY [back to normal speed] UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"
- On the names 'Tangerine' and 'Juice'Critic: This isn't a cast of characters, it's a fucking grocery list!"
- During Juice's fight with Dodge: "He's beating up a 12 year old kid! What an asshole!... Heh, heh, he's getting beaten up by a 12 year old kid. What an asshole."
- "What is up with this guy? Did Dodger kill his father or something? What's with the hate!?"
- One of the gang members' incredibly forced laughter, and Critic's mockery of it.
- One of the GPKs gives Dodger some advice. Critic's response?Critic: Ah, words of wisdom from Valerie Vomit. Thank you so much.
- Critic's response to "The State Home for the Ugly":Critic: You're telling me there's a state home for the ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are all allowed to roam free?! WHAT KIND OF SICK WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?!
- "So the bullies take Dodger out back and throw him into a dumpster to keep him out of trouble. But little did they know that clever old Dodger could get out of the dumpster!"
- The end of the Garbage Pail Kids review : "My God, the movie is so bad that it's splitting the fabric of space and time!""My god. The movie has turned me into what it always was. A dirty piece of crap."
- My god. It's full of shit.
- Also:(creepy ambient music)
Older Critic: A movie so bad it actually ages you as you watch it.
Critic: Wow... it's that bad?
Older Critic: Yes. (music cuts off) Now piss off, I'm trying to eat my processed cereal.
- Near the beginning, Critic describes how the farm looks like "a cartoon from the '30s, where everything has a face, everyone seems to be bouncing and singing".Critic: What, did they make this movie for kids or something?
(he suddenly stops as he realizes that he had just asked a rhetorical question)
Critic: Still no excuse.
- The arguing narrators bit.Narrator #1: And so the little boy looked out from his window, and (then he—)
Narrator #2: (And then) the other narrator stepped in to tell the story—
Narrator #1: Hey! Who's telling this story anyway?
Narrator #2: Well I don't know, I thought I was.
Narrator #1: You couldn't read your way out of an alphabet book.
Narrator #2: Hey! Them's fighting words!
Narrator #1: Come over here, you meatsack! (beatdown ensues)
Narrator #2: My pancreas!
- Critic's scenario of how Christopher Plummer was forced into playing the Duke, using footage from The Sound of Music."Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger."
- This moment:Edmund: (calling out) CHANTICLEER! CHANTICLEER!
Critic: That's Christmas, you moron! Santa Claus only comes at Christmas!
- His boggling over Edmund's line "I'm a fuwwy!"note as well as to the Big-Lipped Alligator Moment later on.Critic: Kid, you're a little too young to know what that means. I'm an adult, and I don't even know what that means! Nor do I wish to find out.
- His theory for the Plot Hole:Critic: You know, fuck it. I'm going to come up with my own theory. God got bored and wanted to fuck with the rooster, so he played yo-yo with the sun. There, now I'm happy.
- It's also referenced later:God: God hears you, Chanticleer! I didn't mean to put the rotation of the planets out of order, I was just fucking with ya!
- It's also referenced later:
- His thought concerning why there are also animals in the city while there are animals from the farm where the heroes came from.Critic: Well, thank you, Mr. Pig, this frying pan well really help us out when we're cooking up some baco-uuuuuuuuhhhh-on that note, how about them bears? The team, not the ones that own the hardware store down the street.
- This bit also:Goldie: What's he (Chanticleer) got that I ain't got?
Critic: (talking like Pinky) Well, a penis for starters.
- "I'm talk-ing, I'm talk-ing, I'm drin-king my coff-ee and then I'm going to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
- "Aha! I'm going to waste all of their (phone) minutes! Mwahahahahaha!"
- "No song that begins with the lyrics 'Tweedley-dee' can possibly be good. Go back and try again!!!"
- "These are the gayest villains ever!"
- "Hey, look. She kissed him on the pecker..." (really long beat) "... Next scene."
- "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a crappy movie! It's a crappy movie!"
- "Screw this movie, I'ma goin' home."
- His imitations of the main voice actor, eventually culminating in an enraged outburst.
- The Kick the Grill moment.
- "God, [Edmund] makes Jake Lloyd look like Haley Joel Osment!"
Titanic: The Animated Movie
- The rapping dog segment.
- Also, earlier when it starts and he begins getting progressively larger bottles of booze to make it bearable, ending with one nearly as big as him!
- This bit:
- During the ball scene:
- "Luti stan pudicho! This plot is muy stupido! It makes absolute no sense-o, this song is muy racist-o! ARIBA!!!!"
- Imitating the little girl who has lost her ball:Critic!Little girl: Waaaah, I've lost my ball! That's the worst thing that could happen to me on this trip!
- This bit:Stepmother: You didn't pack our clothes properly, you clumsy girl. (drops teacup) Pick up those bits of broken china at once.
Critic: (laughs) What the hell?! They actually break stuff for her to pick up? That's not evil; that's Tourette's syndrome. Come on, you gotta have some logic!
- "Now, I know what you're thinking: What's taking that iceberg so long anyway?"
- "Hey everybody, it's a SPLASH FIGHT! ooh, I'm gonna get you wet! woo hoo! splishy splashy!"
- "Oh, that's nice, you ripped through pure metal like it was a waffle!"
- "How dare they use casement window designs, it's so last century!"
- "Good lord! The movie's trying to drag him down with it!"
- "Don't worry, everything's gonna be fine now that Flipper's on the case!"
- His reply after two of the people who got off the ship are laughing:Critic: Daahahahahaha- hilarious! Totally makes me forget that hundreds of people are drowning to death! This is the funny horrendous sinking movie! Ahhahahahahahahaha! (gasp)
- And of course, his response to the film being given an insultingly cutesy "epilogue" narrated by a little girl, describing how the main characters lived "happily ever after."Critic: Happily ever after?! What the hell's wrong with you?! This isn't a postcard; it's the SINKING OF THE FUCKING TITANIC!!
- Towards the beginning:Richard's Dad: And now I'm building him a treehouse in a tree he refuses to climb. I dunno, I just wanna be a good father.
Critic: But I just hate him SO MUCH!
- During the storm scene, when everything seems to be trying to kill Richie:Critic!God: God is not pleased with you Culkin, I will smite you before you make the Nutcracker movie! (Telephone pole falls) Getting Even with Dad? I'm getting even with you! (Tree falls right in front of him) Good Son? Good bye! (He crashes into something and falls off the bike) Hahaha, I've got a million of them, I am God you know.
- Critic's face during the creepy librarian scene, followed by:Critic: I think we need a Sonic Sez right now.
Librarian: You mean you don't need... I see.
- And what happens at the end of the scene.
Critic (as Librarian): That's fine, that's fine. Ooh, a little girl! You looking for adventure!
- The evil Reading Rainbow opening.
- [in a deep, grovelly voice] "Take a look, it's in a book...READING RAINBOOOOOOW!"
- The "Zuul" gag."Zuul! ZUUL! ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!"
- This part:Richie: EARTHQUAKE!
Nick Szalinski: No, worse! Lawnmower!
- And a few seconds later:Critic: Even the dragon is boring! Do something! DO SOMETHING!
President Skroob: Do something!
Dark Helmet: Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: Do something!
- And a few seconds later:
- About the dragon: "See, this is why I should digest my food instead of leaving them alive to plot a scheme."
- Although considering what happened a month or so later, there certainly are a couple amusing moments in the Nostalgia Critic's review of Moonwalker.Critic: (impersonating Jackson's voice) That's right, I don't care what you think... as this incredibly expensive musical representation of a middle finger clearly shows.
Critic: (impersonating Jackson's voice) The Hills are alive, with the sound of JAMON! (as Jackson's running down streets) JAMONE JAMONE JAMONE! WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO! HE! HE! HE! OBA-JE-JAMONE! JE-JE-HA-HA! JEBA-JE! JEBA-JE-HA! OW!
Critic: (impersonating Jackson's voice) You're ignorant!
Critic: It's like they're at an orgy... but they forgot the sex...
- "Oh no! The plot!"
- With regards to the mixed-media career retrospective montage: "Michael Jackson's Flying Circus!"
- "This... is cwack."
- "When you wish upon a star... You turn into a fucking Transformer!"
- "Annie itchy oaky, Annie are you walkin', are you Wookie Annie"
- The bit regarding "Leave Me Alone":Critic: Are you kidding me? You spend the first half of the movie begging for attention, pleading people to acknowledge you as some sort of musical god, and now you're telling people to leave you alone?! What... did the aliens do to your brain, anyway?
- "FUCK!!! Michael's packing! "
- Referring to Mecha-Michael as "Poptimus Prime".Critic: (in falsetto, as Mecha-Michael guns down people) I just wanna bring love and joy to the world...
- "My god... Michael Jackson is an alien robot! This all suddenly makes sense!"
- "Watch as he goes G.I. Joe on their asses!" (Cue the G.I. Joe theme playing as Jackson proceeds to blow the everloving shit out of Pesci's army. Bonus points for Cobra Commander screaming "COBRA!!! RETREAT!!! RETREAT!!!", as Pesci helplessly watches his Mooks get vaporized.)
- The start of the, "Drat! I've been foiled by the power of love!" Running Gag.
- When Michael turns into a spaceship and leaves the children: "Goodbye, kids! I hope you can catch a ride home!"
Top 11 Dumbest Superman Movie moments
- "What can you say about the Superman movies? I love all of them. Well, most of them. Well, some of them. Two of them."
- "Ah great, ya blew up the Wah Wah Machine!"
- Rescuing the dumb kid playing on the rails over Niagra Falls:Critic (as the Kid): Remember me as a foolish cloooood!
Critic (as Superman): Take that, Darwin! Natural selection doesn't win today!
Old vs New: Batman vs The Dark Knight
- "Now, to be fair, Christian Bale has a lot to act through. He has to play Bruce Wayne the college student, Bruce Wayne the outcast, Bruce Wayne the warrior, Bruce Wayne the drunken millionaire, and Bruce Wayne as Batman. Thank God they didn't ask him to do Bruce Wayne the transvestite. That would've destroyed him!"
- Christian Bale's Batman as a school teacher.Critic (as Dark Knight Batman): Goodnight, Moon! Goodnight, MOON! GOOD NIGHT, STAR!
- Critic's reaction after seeing Dark Knight!Joker's broadcasted threat to commit murder every day until Batman turns himself in. What really sells it is the little squeal he makes afterwards.
- This line:Critic: You don't mess with Mr. Mom.
- Best Supporting Cast: Batman (by a Bob).
- On Batman's effects:Critic: Yeah, that doesn't look like a model at all.
King Arthur: Shh!
- At the end of Critic's comparison of Batman (1989) and The Dark Knight, he gets a call from a spazzed out Christian Bale yelling at him about his comments on his voice-acting.Note Bale: What the fuck are you doing?!
Critic: I'm sorry.
Bale: No, don't just be sorry, THINK for one fucking second!
Critic: Well that's not very nice.
Bale: What the fuck is it with you? Are you a professional or not?
Critic: Well I don't like to brag, but-
Bale: Fuck's sakes, man, you're an amateur.
Critic: Look, I don't know why you're so angry-
Bale: No, shut the fuck up! Do I want-
Critic: Maybe I could-
Bale: No! NO!! I'm gonna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!
Critic: Why are you so angry? I just don't get it!
Bale: What don't you get about it?
Critic: Hold on. (to audience) I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to-
Bale: Gimme a reason!
Critic: I just don't see why you made Batman sound like he had lung cancer.
Bale: Oh, good for you! You're a nice guy!
Critic: Well, thank you.
Bale: Shut the fuck up!
Critic: YOU shut up! Go make Reign of Fire 2!
Bale: Fuck's sake...
- Critic getting continuously annoyed by the movie's lack of explanation for why the turtles are seperated.Leonardo: I just feel like something's missing.
Critic: Like the plot that brought us here.
- Also, his reaction to finding out that Michelangelo and Donatello have gotten regular jobs.
- "Excuse me, I just walked in from Kung Fu Panda."
- Regarding one of the monsters: "We must get him back to Where the Wild Things Are!"
- After Leonardo angrily rants at Raphael for going around as a masked hero and endangering their family...Leonardo: This qualifies as just fine? Dressing up like its Halloween every night? Risking the safety of our family?
Critic: YES! That is what you are supposed to do! I think that's the definition of superhero!
- Critic mocking the extreme close-ups of Leonardo and Raphael's faces.
- During a fight scene, Critic brings out a controller and pretends the movie is a video game. "Block block! Spin-attack, spin-attack! Jump jump jump! Drop-kick, drop-kick!"
- Critic's dubbing of the Foot Ninjas after Karai refuses to serve the Stone Generals is pretty funny.
- Critic lampshading how brooding the turtles are in the movie.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Giant reptiles talking about things! Expressing their emotions! And analyzing them! Tune in next week, when Donatello discovers he might have bipolar depression! Stay tuned!
- At the end of the review, Ask That Guy with the Glasses cameos and does a product plug, explaining that the reason he's doing it is because he's an unbelievable whore.
- Critic comments on some of the fan mail he got from irate Mako fans for making fun of Splinter's voice in the TMNT movie the previous week:Critic: "You don't mess with Mako, motherfucker," "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man," and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes the one-year anniversary surprise...
- And then saying "Sheesh, you guys are all acting like the guy died or someth—" (A memorial picture of Mako appears, showing that he did indeed die) "GOD DAMMIT!"
- And not to mention his flashback attempt:Critic: (strokes his beard) I remember it like it was yesterday.
(cross-fade from Critic looking up and stroking beard to... Critic looking up and stroking beard)
Critic: Okay, maybe I DON'T remember it like it was yesterday, but I have a clip!
- Critic mocking the exaggerated facial expression on Sonja when she shouts, "Gedren! Where are you?!"Critic: Are you over thewe~? Or over thewe~?
- "I guess I should stab her again. I guess I should stab her again. I guess I should stab her again."
- Critic's reaction to the topless dancing woman (now with added Censor Box!), when the wizard is showing who the intruders are.
- His Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, particularly the part where he dubs Arnold's character riding the sea serpent with "WHEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEEEE!!!!"
- Oh, a singing sword, great. It's the ancient mythology of a Bugs Bunny Cartoon!
- On the border between their land and that of the Evil Queen:
- His repeated remarks on the god-awful special effects:
Short Circuit 1 & 2
- CRASH! ROAD RAGE! VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER! DISASSEMBLE THE WORLD!!
- "It turns out these machines are built by Nova, as they look forward to having all the robots destroy evildoers, annihilate their enemies, and serve gin and tonics."Number Two: May I destroy you now?Guttenberg: No, Number Two. We've been over this.
- Critic playing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" to emphasize the odd sexual tension between Stephanie and Johnny 5.Critic (as Stephanie): (dreamily) He's like a mix between a vibrator and a man who can't get me pregnant. This is every woman's dream come true!
- "It's a trick! Nothing Guttenberg says is funny!"
- Doug's reaction to Ben apparently dropping the F-Bomb with "Dude, watch the potty mouth! It's a PG, man!"Critic!Ben: You cock-sucking shitwhore! I ought to knock your fucking ass back to Laverne & Shirley, you dick-sucking fucktard!
- His reaction to the beating Johnny 5 gets toward the end of Short Circuit 2."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JOOOOOOHNY FIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
- And the cuts between Johnny being mangled and:
- * "I, ROBOT! YOU, DEAD!"
- There is no God, there is only... FIVE!!!!!
- "The cash cow goes? MOOOO!"
- His reaction to Becky, Jesse's wife.
- "Off you go, bitch!"
- "Oh my god, the Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!"
- He points out that one of the side roles is being played by the same guy who did Aladdin's voice.Critic: In fact, I ran into the actor and asked why he agreed to do the role.
Voiceclip from One jump ahead: Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, tell you all about it when I've got the time.
- An extended example of Hilarious in Hindsight: Critic thinks that the only real funny thing about the show is Bob Saget, who is quite prissy as Danny Tanner and is quite a contrast as a stand-up comedian.Critic: Anyone who watches Bob Saget's stand-up knows he is a raunchy, raunchy man. And you know that saying all that family-friendly bullshit is probably killing him.
- The final episode, in which Michelle is hospitalized after taking a spill from a horse:Critic: So Michelle wakes up, but unfortunately has a bad case of amnesia. Actually, what am I talking about? That's not unfortunate at all. I wish I had that right now.
- His first encounter with the Olsen twins is as hilarious as it is scary.Olsen Twins: Come play with us... Come play with us, Critic... Forever and ever and ever and ever.
Critic: (terrified, grabs a gun) TWIIIIIIINS!!!
(fires gun at the twins' heads, blowing them to bits and killing them)
Critic: ... I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them, trying to take over the world?
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
Critic: Of course. Well, seeing as they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and return to my regular duties... 'cause, you know, they're dead. It's not like they're going to pop up anywhere, anywhere else especially on my way back to the room. So, I'm just going to make that turn that I talked about just a second ago. And here I go.
(dramatic turn and... nothing)
Critic: You see? Nothing there.
Twins: (suddenly appearing again) Uh-huh.
Critic: So, I'll just go back to work and...
(He suddenly stammers as he realizes the twins are alive again and start attacking him.)
- The very end of the review, where every time he begins to say his Catchphrase, the Olsen twins attack him:Critic: You know what I do and you know why I do it. (runs for his life)
- The "Loosen his pants" line was (unintentionally) funny in and of itself, but Critic moved it to a whole new level with his David Letterman-style "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes for This Scene".Number 10
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: Or take his shirt off. Either way, I'm getting a show.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a pedophile!
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: Isn't that the slogan for NAMBLA?
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: But just skip over the turning your head and coughing.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: I always forget if we circumcised him.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: Now we're gonna see why his last name is Wood.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: [as Kramer] Elaine wants to see if he's truly sponge-worthy.
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: You know, when you suddenly said we're having the other white meat, this isn't what I had in mind. And the number 1 joke to made about this scene is:
North's dad: Quick, loosen his pants.
Critic: If anyone asks, Art Vandelay did it. Play me off, Paul!
[Critic dances to Paul Shaffer's music]
- During Bruce Willis' first appearance:Bruce Willis: Look kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit doesn't mean I...
Critic: Yes, yes, it does. Whatever you were going to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility.
- North carries the dubious honor of having the worst joke he has ever heard in his life. He reacts accordingly.Judge: Have I made myself clear to the defense?
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the defense rests.
[North's parents, who went comatose after receiving the news that he wanted to emancipate from them, are in the courtroom, still unconscious. Critic stares at the camera for a few seconds]
Critic: Wow. I mean... wow. That is the worst joke I have ever heard in my entire life. They did it! They did it! They made the worst joke of all time! Give them a round of applause, everybody! It's incredible!
[cut to a scene from UHF that shows masses celebrating as if they're celebrating along with Critic. A caption reading "Worst Joke Ever!!!!!!" appears over video of fireworks]
Critic: [wipes a tear from his eye] Awful. Awful.
- North notices that his new Texan parents really want to fatten him up. But why?Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.
Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.
Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.
North: Where is Buck?
Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.
North: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.
Critic: ...Did I miss something here? I mean, what was the point of that conversation? Was something funny said? They had a son, the son dies, so... so what? They have a son, the son is fat, he dies in a stampede, so where's the humor? In fact, I'm going to play a little game with you. It's a wonderful game to play with a lot of really bad movies and it's simply called... "Spot the Joke!" [previous scene begins replaying with "Jeopardy!" Thinking Music accompanying it] All right, listen closely. There has to be some humor in here somewhere.
Pa Tex: Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.
Critic: No, nothing funny yet.
Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.
Critic: Not even a giggle.
Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.
North: I'm so sorry.
Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.
Critic: Oh, oh, oh! Wait a minute! "Big Loss"... because he's FAT!... and dead... and fat dead people are apparently hilarious! 35 seconds of buildup for a fat dead person joke. Ho-ho! I hope you enjoyed playing. Tune in next time... which will probably just be in a few seconds.
- Critic's reaction when the Texan parents suddenly start singing a song: Sing "Ride of the Valkyries" in Woody Woodpecker's trademark laugh.
- When Governor Ho is talking about why they want to adopt North:Governor Ho: Hawaii is a rich and fertile land. In fact, there is only one barren area on the whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.
Critic: That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil.
- Pretty much the whole part about the Eskimo parents.Critic: So, he gets to the Eskimo village where... oh God, this isn't inaccurate at all, is it? It's like if The Polar Express meets The Flintstones. I'll give the film credit, though. At least, they did get Native American Graham Greene to play an Eskimo here. I mean, it's not like they got Kathy Bates, spray-painted her face, and slapped on a black wig like a minstrel show...
[Kathy Bates appears just as described]
Critic: NO! NO! You go back to your room, movie, until you learn something about being racially sensitive!
[North and the Eskimo parents whistle and tap their feet to The Andy Griffith Show theme song. This goes on for a while, confusing Critic]
Critic: WHAT'S... THE... JOKE?! This isn't funny, this is just random! ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?! And just when you think this movie couldn't possibly get more insulting, just watch what they do with their grandfather, played by Good Burger survivor, Abe Vigoda.
North: What do you mean, it's time to flow?
Eskimo mother: Well, when an Eskimo gets too old or weak to contribute to society...
Critc: [worried] You're not...
Eskimo mother: ... the whole family gets together and everybody walks to the ocean.
Critic: [worried] You're REALLY not...
Eskimo father: And then, the revered, old Eskimo is proudly placed on an ice flow and set out to sea, so he can die with dignity.
Critic: YES! Apparently, Eskimos get in line to shove off their old farts while a ticket holder moves the line along while they say goodbye. Good fuckitty God!
Eskimo mother: Oh, don't worry about him, North. He's had a great life. He's happy to set sail, before he starts embarrassing himself.
Critic: First of all; when this was done, it was done in times of famine, not just because they were old. Second; it was incredibly rare and only done as a last resort. Third; THIS HAPPENED EONS AGO! Nobody does it anymore! I mean, did you do any research? Do you know anything about how the world works? READ... A FUCKING... BOOK!
- During Winchell's villainous reveal:Critic: My god, it's a young Dick Cheney!
North's Lawyer: But for North to be martyred, doesn't he have to be killed by one of those angry parents?
Winchell: Well... maybe we'll get lucky.
- "So North then travels to... oh, great, we're making fun of the Amish now. Wonderful, classy." North then files away after having spent only a few seconds with the Amish family:Critic: Well, at least, their cruelty to the Amish was short.
- His rundown of the Once Acceptable Targets cumulate in...
- When North meets with the last family, Critic's references to a certain famous actress making her film debut in this movie:Critic: They have a white picket fence, eat dinner together and even gave birth to Scarlett Johansson. That was nice of them.
Donna Nelson: [to North] We're going to miss you, too.
[the family dog barks once]
Laura Nelson (Scarlett Johansson): And so will Oliver.
Critic: Thank you. And I look forward to seeing your ass in Lost in Translation. [quietly] It's gonna look great!
- This gem:Bruce Willis: ... that a bird in the hand is always greener then the grass on the other guy's bushes.
Critic: [beat] I hate you.
- The "climax" of the movie.Critic: So North rushes towards his parents, the henchman gets out his gun, pulls the trigger AND... it was all a dream. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWHAT!?! You actually went to the lowest common denominator and made it all a dream?!! YOU ASS OF SHIT!!!
- And then there's the ending to the movieCritic: I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the word "WE'RE SORRY" 100 TIMES!!!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of the Coming out of Their Shells Tour
- The Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd's team-up to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of Coming Out Of Our Shells is wall to wall hilarity, especially the repeated gags with the coffee mugs and both critics' emotional breakdown when the "concert" continues well, well, well after the credits have ended.
- WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!Critic: I remember it, so you don't have to.
Nerd: And I... shit on your momma's face.
(cue credits, the review keeps going with Critic & Nerd sitting around doing nothing. After awhile, the AVGN flicks a pen at the NC, and they start beating each other up)
- And their reaction when Raphael says that he 'was banging on some pipes'.Critic & Nerd: (recoiling in disgust) Woahhhhh!
Nerd: I don't know what he's talking about, banging on pipes.
Critic: That's fucking gross.
- The review starts with the music used for the openings to later episodes of the 80's sitcom ALF.
- WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!
- Critic and Nerd making fun of the Turtles' awful animatronics/lip-synching.
- Nerd proving that the turtles' terrible lip-synching could be combined with any song...by synching a performance clip with Raining Blood.
- "They don't even look like the Ninja Turtles! They look like Ninja Frogs! You're listening to FROGS! IT'S ALL A LIE!"
- Critic and Nerd raging over the fact that you can't play a bass guitar with only one string. Critic then likens it playing tennis with a one-stringed tennis racket, and shows a photo of what that might look like.
- Them making fun of how the Turtles' mouths hang open.Nerd: (mouth hanging open) You talk like this all the time, don't you, Critic?
Critic: (mouth hanging open) Sure do, Nerd! Why would it be otherwise?
- Comparing the Turtles' music to Christian rock.Critic (as Raphael): And now I'd like to tell you about this other dude I know!
Nerd (as Donatello): Who's that, Raph?
Critic (as Raphael): A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins, and that's AWESOME!
Nerd (as Donatello): Jesus rocks, dude!
- Nerd criticizing the design of the Splinter puppet.
- This:Raphael: If you coulda heard us at first, man, we were BAD! Like, "Thank you, dude! Next!"
Nerd: Yeah, not like now! Now, we're fuckin' awesome!
Critic: We're incredible!
Nerd: We're like Gods.
Critic: We play for the pope!
- "Dude, I am so wasted!"
- The conversation following Critic's comment that the actors gave up on sentences and started saying random words.Critic: Excellent!
Nerd: Olive Garden!
Critic: The alphabet!
Nerd: Goat cheese!
- Both critics trying to find the "message" the producers are talking about.
- Nerd's reaction to Shredder.Nerd: Oh my God, that is the WORST Shredder I've ever seen! What is he, fuckin' Iron Chef Shredder?
Critic: Hey, where'd you get that costume? Target or Wal-Mart?
- Nerd's rant on the kid skateboarding across the stage:Nerd: There's a scene where a kid just skateboards across the stage. Why? Did he get lost or something? Maybe he made a wrong turn on Bodacious Boulevard. Who the hell was that kid? Little fucking bastard. Where's the security when you need it? There's a kid skateboarding across the stage!
- This bit, when Raph starts rapping solo:Nerd: I love this one scene where Donatello gives up and just walks off the stage. He's like "Fuck this, man. This shit's the worst."
- When one of the record producers is interviewed:Billy Brill: Madonna will go into therapy when she sees this video. It's gonna drive her crazy. You don't know what to expect on any group in any video. I think this group and this album is going to be around for a long time. I wouldn't be surprised if they win a Grammy Award or an American Music Award. It's not going to surprise me at all.
Nerd: What a schmuck.
- "We didn't care that they were hideous, mutated creatures. We work with Courtney Love, for crying out loud."
- In the wake of the controversy over his Mako bashing, the review of Sidekicks makes Critic's desperate attempts to resist making jokes about Mako's character funnier than any actual jokes could have been. And then, it ends in a gleeful Crossing the Line Twice moment that leaves you completely unsure how offended to be.
- "(in high pitched voice) But why is Chuck Norris that awesome?? (in normal voice) Well, if you don't know the answer by the time you finished watching this movie, then you don't know Chuck!" -cue explosion with Chuck Norris' head in front-
- The massive implied mockery of Mako's obsessive fans.
- "A-CHUCK A-NOOOORIIIIIIIIS!" Later repeated in the Captain America review. It still doesn't disappoint. And again in his Alone in the Dark (2005) review. It never gets old!
- His impersonation of Mako and the main protagonist in one scene is downright hilarious.
- (Off screen) *Splat* "Stop throwing dough at me!" "Next, we throw bottles!" *Glass shatters*
- "Chuck Norris will cure the disabled!"
- When he was criticizing the Smoking Man's horrible acting?"How do you think he'd react if he got shot? [a gunshot is heard] Gunshot? Gunshot? Gunshot?! I've been gunshot! R2-D2, where are you?"
- "Get HIIIIIIIIIIM!"
- "I'm actIIIIIIIIIING!"
- At the end of same dream sequence, Barry rescues his girlfriend instead of Ms. Chan as usual. Barry tells Chuck, "This is my dream!" and kisses her. The Critic dubs over a shot of disappointed Chuck: "Aw, I can't tap that; I'll get arrested."
- During the cowboy dream scene when Chuck Norris orders a milk."Milk is now officially known as Chuck Norris Messiah Juice! Anything else we can do for you, sire?"
- And what immediately follows it:Critic: By the way, did you notice that the milk glasses are there when they come in, and then suddenly disappear when they order? You may think this is a hole in the movie, but it's not. Chuck Norris is actually so intimidating that the milk pre-ordered itself in preparation for his arrival and then went back under because they thought they'd be presumptuous. Such is the way of Norris!
- And what immediately follows it:
- Making Barry's head asplode when Chuck introduces himself.
- "Wow, they actually had a guy who went, (makes stupid face) "Uh-huh." I didn't know they still had those in the movies."
- This bit, when a scene starts after a meal has already been eaten:Critic: You skipped over the meal they had together? Why?!.... Did Chuck Norris not like it?!
Noreen Chan: That's how we teach children to use chopsticks. Did you notice my uncle's stopped using his halfway through the meal?
Critic: NO! Because you didn't show it! Doy!
- The ending: On denying the Chuck Norris Facts, Critic gets his ending Catchphrase interrupted by a Bolt of Divine Retribution courtesy of Chuck Norris' head that's planted on a picture of God as Chuck ascend to heaven and met Mako there... and Mako is not too pleased at Critic despite his attempts to please him.Mako: Thanks. I really hated that guy.
- This conversation between two teachers:Mapes: Trouble with one of the urchins? Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Ms. Chan: Barry Gabrewski.
Mapes: Oh, but he's...um...
Ms. Chan: He's what?
Mapes: Er, well, h-he's... slow a-and... er... impaired... Hopeless! Hopeless! The kid is hopeless!
Critic: Because that's the motto of any good school: You're hopeless. Just give up and throw your books in the garbage.
- During the recap:Critic: I mean, come on! There wasn't any more of Chuck Norris's cock you could suck?!
- "Do they ever freeze in an embarrassing pose? *demonstrates* Like one of them's just standing there, taking a whizz, and then suddenly 'Oh, shit, the sun! Motherf-! *freezes*"
- When Goliath lets out all his anger in a shout:Goliath: I've been denied everything! EVEN MY RE-VENGE!!!
Critic: And on top of that, I THINK I HAVE A SPLIN-TER!!!
- Shortly after that:Critic (Goliath): Well, at least nothing else can go wrong— (sees his friends turned to stone permanently) AW, GOD !
- Shortly after that:
- Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!Spork: The lineage of the sporks goes on for several eons. In fact, we predate the dinosaurs.
Critic: ... Indeed.
- His description of "Future Tense" and its various plot twists:"[...] where Goliath arrives in the future, and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the Gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos's army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But then it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all, it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. But then it turns out that it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem [the Phoenix Gate] from Goliath. And then it turns out that it may or may not have been a dream. And then it turns out that Goliath is a woman! * cue fanart of female!Goliath* Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea!"
- Some creative editing makes it appear that in the pilot, Elisa goes over the side of the roof again after Goliath carries her back up and Bronx surprises her.
- His joke about how Lexington should have been named "Queens" serves as being Hilarious in Hindsight when one learns that Lexington was indeed gay.
- His description of "Future Tense" and its various plot twists:
- Goliath: Those of your kind call me "Goliath".
Critic: ...But my friends call me... Go.
- His setting part of Goliath's dialogue to '70s porno music, stating that his wife must have married him just for the voice.
- Critic imagining what the offspring of Goliath and Elisa would look like.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
- His review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a hilarious homage to his review of the first live-action Transformers movie... and is several minutes of pure Nerd-gasming. The icing on the cake of hilarity, however, is a cameo by none other than Chester A Bum.
- "Dude, did he just steal my act?"
- Chester A. Bum's cameo in Steel. "Oh my god, they're filming a Shaq movie! I'm outta here!"
- Best summed up by a comment on Youtube."Steel — The only movie Chester A. Bum does not think is the greatest movie he's ever seen in his life."
- "It could have been worse. He could have played Wonder Woman. (pause) And yes, I'm going to spare you that image. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it HA!" (cue image of Shaq dressed up as Wonder Woman) "Let it haunt your nightmares!" Aa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- "But one crucial piece of information still remains! DID GRANDMA EVER PERFECT THE SOUFFLÉ?!"
- SHE DID! *Ode to Joy starts playing as the Critic rejoices*
- Best summed up by a comment on Youtube.
- This joke:Sparky: How do you read? (referring to a wireless earpiece)
Critic (as Steel/Shaq): Not well. I said yes to this script, didn't I?
- When seeing Richard Roundtree's character, he utters a Big "NO!", and sings a parody of the Shaft song :"Who's the private dick whose film career just went to shit?"
Critic: Ya damn right... (wipes a tear off his face)
- Later, when Roundtree's character mentions he especially likes Steel's weapon's shaft, both the audience and Critic start booing him.
- Critic imitating one of the villain's odd laughs.
- "You think youre gonna get away from me, but you're not, because it's on." (...) "A gate? Nah. Gates can't hold me, especially when it's on." (...) "Well, that just magnifies the amount of on-ness that's goin' on right now. Did I mention it's on? It's on."
- "So he jumps off the building and falls into the garbage where he belongs."
- This bit, when the characters are in a bar:Critic: By the way, what bar just advertises "Beer"? That's pretty generic, isn't it? Oh, yeah! Ive always been a fan of "Beer" beer! Its almost as good as "Burger" burgers!
- When the criminals are discussing how you can find a lot of things on the internet, "not just porno":Critic: Huh. Tell me more about this "In-tor-net." Do you think it'll ever catch on?
- "HE OPENED A WINDOW! HOW DARING!"
Top 11 Cereal Mascots
- Two words: Cocoa Puffs. Crosses the line so many times yet it finally just loops back to being hysterical again.
- PUFFS!Critic: Remember, kids, life may be rough, but don't do the Puffs.
(a clip of the infamous drug PSA with Pee-wee Herman is shown)
Pee-wee: It isn't glamorous or cool or kids' stuff.
- Critic smashing Lucky.Critic: Now you're dead, how do you like that? (spits on the mangled Lucky)
- Critic's incredulity toward giving the Honey Nut Cheerios bee a name, and an unimaginative one at that: Buzz Bee.
Last Action Hero
- Critic flipping out at all the "random" cameos from Last Action Hero.
- "My butt cheeks have their own license!"
- "BLOW! SOMETHING! UP!"
- The "POOT DAT COOKIE DAUUUUUN!!!" remix at the end.
- Shouting, "Look, elephant!" in order to get away from people, only to trigger the Burger King (discontinued) Running Gag on Critic.
- "E.T. phone lawyers!"
- His wonderfully deadpan "Movie, are you on drugs?"
- When Jack Slater falls from a building:Critic (as Arnold): This is what I like to call the "Wile E. Coyote". I do not actually fall until I realize there is nothing supporting me. This style of slapstick comedy was originated in the 1940s. Warner Brothers was beginning to make its mark in (Slater catches a crane) DAH! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGE OF CINEMA ANIMATION! I'LL EAT YOU! I'LL EAT YOU ALL!!!
- "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't boobies— I mean, uh... boobies with the booby boobies... with the... booby-booby-boobies."
- Critic being giddily distracted by the strippers to the point where he forgets that the plot is about a Bad Future in America.
- "Blah, blah, blah, the future sucks. BOOBIES!" (pushes screen aside to watch the dancing stripper again)
- Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. She hates to be called babe. Not slut, hooker, bitch, whore? Those are OK. But if you call her babe, thats just sexist!
- "Oh, it's the lost Stooge, Pervy!!"
- Critic complains about the movie's frequent Smash to Black cuts, wondering if something silly is going to happen every time. To demonstrate, the same thing happens with him, and he gets replaced by a plush puppy dog, Optimus Prime, and then Chester A. Bum.
Old vs New: LOTR Animated vs LOTR
- "Now, technically speaking, this is all opinion based... but I have an online show, which automatically means that my opinion is better than yours." Beat "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."
- This exchange:Critic: Well thank you, Pippen!
Merry: I'm Merry!
Critic: Whatever, you're all short!
- Critic makes fun of Sam in the cartoon version. "And I want my bottle!"Sam: Oh my. Oh HOORAY!
Critic: Oh God... SHADDAP!!!
- Later, the clip makes a repeat appearance:Sam: Oh HOORAY!
Critic: (pointing) SHADDAP!
- Later, the clip makes a repeat appearance:
- His impression of the animated Gandalf is also hilarious. And his impression of Gollum.
- Three words: "Sauron go BOOM!"
- "MOSH PIT!"
- "If you could kindly stab yourself with that, I'd be most thankful."
- The Review Ironic Echoes when Critic gives a point to either the old or the new:Critic: Point goes to the old.
(Jackson) Frodo: What do you know about it? NOTHING!
- Later:Critic: Point goes to the new.
(Bakshi) Legolas: Then you know nothing.
- He ends the review thinking by considering whether he should do an Old vs. New for the Jackson version against the Rankin/Bass version of The Return of the King - one clip of "Where There's a Whip" later, and he decides against it.
Captain N: The Game Master
- His summation of Captain N and Link's constant competing and trying to one-up the other.♪My cock's bigger than your cock...my cock's double the size that yours is...♪
- Then when Zelda kisses Kevin, he reacts as Link, who in his show could never get to first base with her.Critic (as Link): Wh-wh-wha-WHAT?! ... BITCH!
- Then when Zelda kisses Kevin, he reacts as Link, who in his show could never get to first base with her.
- CAPTAIN N: THE GAY MASTER!
- "It's not easy being g-g-g-g-green!"
- "Now, [my whip's] sexual preference, I can't speak for!"
- Mario as Isildur. "Suck my big fat meatballs!"Critic: Mario!! MARIOOOOOOOO!!!!
- "The ruler of the Palace is Princess Lana. Oh yeah, from the game...*Shrugs* '80's Fashion Vomit'?"
- His comments on the voices of Mega Man and Kid Icarus.Critic (as Mega Man): It's like if Popeye smoked an entire Marlboro factory!
Critic (as Kid Icarus): My testicus haven't droppedicus.
- The commentary also features Doug and Rob impersonating Mega Man, expressing their distaste for his voice.
- Concerning Simon Belmont, with the image of Simon in Simon's Quest:Critic: I mean, where did they even get the idea to gay him up so much? I mean the original hero has long hair, wears leather, carries a whip, jumps around in a skirt, I think I just answered my own question.
- Then you remember that Captain N Simon is wearing an aviator outfit, complete with goggles. A medieval vampire hunter dressed as a 1930s pilot. And Mr. Forehead meets Mr. Hand for the fifteenth time.
- Commenting on just how bad the animation can be at times, showing a couple of scenes from one episode showing Simon with the world's biggest duh face.
- This clip of the Zelda crossover review.Ganon: Link! And you bought your friends for my coming out party.
Critic: You know, I had suspicions about the dress. But really, this is a surprise.
- Imitating Captain N and Princess Lana's stilted dance.Critic: Yeah, shake that one leg! Pull off the geriatric drowning look!
- The Random Plot Generator, which is shown during the Critic's disdain for keeping the king alive, just not around, as an excuse for Lana to be a princess instead of a queen, as Critic thinks she should be.Critic (as Lana): I'm still a princess because my father's...
Random Plot Generator: Lost... Dead... Drunk... Darth Vader... Stuck...
Critic (as Lana): ...stuck... Yeah, that's it. ...in a...
Random Plot Generator: Time warp... Black hole... Castle... Elevator... Parallel dimension...
Critic (as Lana): ...parallel dimension... Ooh, that's rich. ...where he has no royal authority.
Random Plot Generator: He just eats combos and farts.
Critic (as Lana): So I don't have to make any hard choices or take any responsibility...
Random Plot Generator: Just bumming it.
Critic (as Lana): ...because he still technically is king and I just have to smile and wear pretty dresses.
Random Plot Generator: Go me!
Critic (as Lana): Politics is FUN!!!
- And at the endCritic: As for me, I'm still waiting for half the cast to turn up on Video Game Confessions!
Dominic: OI! You really don't want to see that. It, uh, it involves Mother Brain's genitalia.
We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story
- "WHAT! NO! YOU'RE RAPING SPIDERMAN, YOU FUCKING FASCIST! LEAVE THAT AMERICAN ICON ALONE!"
- This moment.
- "A Big Lipped-" (startled) "JESUS God!"
- "I don't like the slutty girl. She has kind of a Lolita thing going on. It seems unnatural."
- The scene with the hat landing on a little girl's head. After a few repeats of "A child is looking at the same hat..."(hat lands)
Raoul Puke: ...The fuck? PURPOSE, MOVIE! WE! NEED! PURPOSE!
- "Kid! You're on a raft with fucking dinosaurs! How bout a little acknowledgement of this miracle huh!?
- "The rex turns into a drowningsaur as Louie manages to pick him up with some heavy machinery."
- "Looks like someone's getting a bone-asaurus! Haha... that joke is below me, I apologize."
- "This is The Land Before Time on crystal meth!" That sums it up.
- After being thoroughly startled and freaked out by the Circus of Fear scene with its bats, giant skulls grim-reapers, smoke with faces, and fire-breathing Chinese dragons.Raoul Puke: This is David Lynch's circus! Nobody should be subjected to this!
- After hearing Cecilia's plea, "Let no bad happen!," Puke claims only Yoda would use that sort of speech.
- And then Yoda's reappearance when Neweyes repeats the phrase.
Warriors of Virtue
- The Linkara cameo.
- As well as:Critic: Oh no, he's in Ferngully! (screams)
- As well as:
- Critic getting annoyed at how much of a show-off Ming the chef is.Critic: All right, even Iron Chef doesn't show off this much, guy! Just friggin' relax!
(Ming jump-kicks the water faucet)
Critic: Okay, do you really have to jump kick the faucet? I mean, is it absolutely necessary?!
- Then a few scenes later, another chef slips and the food he was carrying flies up into the air. Ming not only catches the chef before he hits the ground, but catches the food as well.Critic: Okay, this guy should be on Special Forces or something. What the hell is he doing in a damn kitchen?!
- Then a few scenes later, another chef slips and the food he was carrying flies up into the air. Ming not only catches the chef before he hits the ground, but catches the food as well.
- "The kitchen is on fire! Stop telling the kid the stupid story and help us!" Somehow, offscreen voices in Chinese restaurants are always comedy gold on this site.
- "The Monarch is not pleased."
- Komodo from Warriors of Virtue is a CMOF all by himself, but Critic declaring him the missing Looney Tunes character really puts it over the top.
- About Komodo: "I love this guy. Why doesn't he have his own Saturday morning cartoon show?"
- "I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen...." Particularly funny considering his previous review was an impersonation of Depp impersonating Hunter S. Thompson.
- "Now allow me to continue SHOUTING AT RANDOM!!!"
- "IT WAS A LIFE!"
- "Oh, dance time." *cue music*
- "By all your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
- "Oh, no! The movie's starting over again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
- His reaction to the characters repeatedly saying "Shit happens."Critic: Dude, guys, what's with the potty mouth? Like three more of those and you get a PG-13.
Komodo: You can't read the book, can you. (pause) CAN YOU?!
- Immediately followed by this bit:
- The section about the "Psyche-Hitler".
- On how Critic plays out the Batman Lemony Narrator describing the peril of Cap.How will Captain America get out of this one???? Will he turn the White House into rubble? Or will he escape to have his American ass beaten once more???? Tune in next time... which is... Right now!
- "Why don't you just have a subtitle under everything?!"
- The cover of the Vogue magazine, with the captions...
- Take Our Test: Does he love you or will he get frozen in ice for 50 years?
Keep your Red Skulls their reddest
80 ways to turn the American flag into hideous spandex
- "We just unthawed a basketball mascot!"
- "I just decapitated a hot chick! Truly, I am the great American hero!"
Top 11 Nostalgic F*ckups
- "I've watched every single one of your videos 37 times and discovered a shitload of mistakes that you should be hanged for! HANGED FOR!"Critic: So, every once in a while, I make one or two little mistakes...
Douchey McNitpick: 35,670 to be exact!
Critic: (annoyed) ALL RIGHT!
- Critic mentions how he made his Superman countdown after filming his Melvin sketch, which he claims will never be mentioned again, but then the song starts up and Critic tells it to shut up and play something else, when it plays the old Doug theme, prompting him to scream & shoot the camera.
- "I mean, it's not like I walk around wearing other's women's apparel all the time..."Critic: Douchy! Where'd you get that?!
Douchey: From my deepest hate of you! I also have a picture of you kissing Divine and doing the can-can with Hitler! Look, he's doing the can-can with Hitler! (laughs like a maniac) I'm funny! (still laughing)
Critic: I really hate you...
- "If I can't trust an Internet celebrity who watches cartoons and shouts obscenities, who can I trust?!"Critic: People with some expertise?
- The gag in the credits about Doug's less-than-stellar spelling.Douchey: "Made" is spelled wrong!
Alone in the Dark
- Critic, Spoony, and Linkara acting like the
Three StoogesThree Schmuckheads.
- Especially the end, where they devolve into a Three Stooges slapstick spectacle that must be seen to be believed.
- Any time the trio (or at least Spoony and Linkara) break into song:
- [To tune of Star Wars] ♪Booooooor-ing, this is so booooor-ing~! This is so booooor-ing~! Get to the shooooooow~!♪
♪Padding-padding-pad-ding! Padding-padding-pad-ding! Padding-padding-pad-ding!♪
- The "randomly shooting in the dark which includes cameo appearances by:90s Kid: Dude, what's with all the flashing lights? (is shot) Not... radical. (collapses)
Dr. Insano: I brought SCIENCE! (is shot; collapses)
Ma-Ti: Pizza delivery—(shot)—HEAAART! (collapses)
Chester A. Bum: CHANGE! YA GOT—! (is shot; collapses)
- Spoony making Critic say I like to wear woman's clothing was just hilarious. Even funnier was the Critic's reaction. And the Brick Joke.
- (Critic poses dramatically while Spoony types for him)
I'm acting. (beat) I like to wear women's clothing...
- Also, Critic's failed attempt at impersonating Gollum while using his computer to "talk".
- My precious?
- "No, no, honey, it's okay..."
- Linkara's introduction, particularly the deadpan Critic's response: "Oh, Jesus. No."
- The Nostalgia Signal.
- You're. An. Idiot.
- "Zuu-AH! Motherfu-AH! Zu-AH! You a-hole!"
- Why the hell was I in Star Trek VI?
- The film's absurdly long Opening Narration.Linkara: How much text is in this movie?!
Spoony: This isn't a bill for healthcare, let's get to the friggin' action already!
- The crew calling out a soliders name as he falls to his death. "Marco! Marco!"Critic: Polo.
- Spoony: So lets go back the way we just came!
Critic: Walking at its best, folks.
- The whole flickering lights sequence. More specifically, the parts where Linkara and Spoony start making "spooky ghost noises" to accompany it.
- "Unless of course that man was... CHUCK NORRIS? A-CHUCK-A-NO...no, not even him."
- Spoony lampshading the Smart People Wear Glasses trope... accidentally slighting both the Critic and Linkara in the process.Spoony: I need glasses.
- Critic spends the video using his computer's monotone text-to-speech voice to speak for him - which makes it even funnier when it says something completely insane.Critic: Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
- "Careful! Jesse Ventura's been known to kill people!"
- After Christian Slater's character causes the taxi driver's death:Critic: You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it.
- The random yelling sequence. Bonus points for Linkara slipping in a small reference to Metal Gear Solid 2.Linkara: I NEED SCISSORS! 61!
- The Running Gag of the many Red Shirts suffering from Retirony.Linkara: Things look bad when suddenly the lights in the museum start flickering on and off, and it probably doesn't help that the security guard has just two days left before retirement.
Spoony: ...and it's probably a bad thing to mention that every single one of these soldiers has just two days left before retirement.
Spoony: ''And you know what makes this really tragic is that EVERYONE IN THE CITY had just two days left before retirement—!
Critic: Shut up.
- Linkara's reaction to the constant Jump Cuts"This movie jumps around more than a... Mexican jumping bean on a... grashopper on a... jackrabbit on a... pogostick!" (Beat, as he looks to the other guys) "This movie sucks!"
- "Some doors are meant to stay shut." "Yeah, like the DVD case to this movie."
- "So we see the professor guy apparently has been keeping some of these monsters for himself, taking their blood and injecting it into his own. What does this have to do with the story? Nothin'. Uwe Boll is just a weird fuck."
- "Mmm, that's good MacGuffin!"
- When the Professor is killed by an underhanded knife throw to the chest, all three men proceed to make fun of his odd posing and Dead Man's Trigger Finger, although Spoony's reaction in particular is hilarious for obvious reasons.
- In the bloopers, Doug can't keep a straight face while Rob does Critic's intro in the computer voice. So Rob starts speaking like Mrs. Doubtfire. Doug gives him the finger.
- When Aline is making out with Edward:Spoony: "I couldn't believe this chick! I mean, she just broke into my home and started doing me."
Linkara: "Maybe it's that new Axe body spray, or the fact that I started bathing again."
Critic: (monotone computer voice) "Why the hell was I in Star Trek VI."
- The fact that Spoony was wearing a grey Castleton shirt and jokes that he's from the future.
- Critic repeatedly, ahem, bumping the bottom of his desk whenever the movie's resident hot woman appears. Later, during the scene where she ends up running through a fountain and getting soaking wet, he snatches up a hammer and starts pounding the, er, little Critic back down.
- The end of the review features the Critic turning off his 'pleasant' mode."FUCK YOU ALLLL!!!"
- The end of the review features the Critic turning off his 'pleasant' mode.
- The whole Mundane Made Awesome sequence about Michael Jackson jokes. After making a joke about Michael Jackson, who had recently died, he explains why he just inverted the concept of "Too soon" by giving a grand speech, complete with epic music and the American flag in the background.
- BAD TOUCH!
- Notify an adult, preferably not another pedophile!Critic: Stop harassing that Kazaam guy! We have lip-to-lip contact here! HURRY!
- Notify an adult, preferably not another pedophile!
- The "Bland Shit 101" title screen.
- The references to all the other bad movies Tone Loc has been in.Juice: What's wrong with you, boy? You know you oughta be in school.
'Critic!Juice: Don't make me sing about how I'm gonna eat ya.
- Superimposing a big red DOUCHE over the main character's father giving his brothers quite a lot of money, while giving Preston little to none. The father's reasoning ? Preston's brothers want to start their own business, while Preston himself doesn't. Even though Preston is too young to do so, and that his brothers, despite wanting to open their own business, don't know how to operate a computer. "DOUCHE" indeed.
- This bit:Critic: Two obnoxious brothers who like to pick on him all the time! You mean we get TWO unintelligent bullies who have no human emotion outside of just being a stereotypical teen antagonist? It must be my birthday!
Old vs New: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) vs. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
- Describing his firm belief when he saw the 2005 film's trailers that it would pale in comparison to the first adaptation.Critic: You can't top the original — no way, no how. But, much to my surprise... (long pause) I was totally right.
- Pointing out what everyone who's read the book and seen both films has noticed: that Charlie is the main character of the Willy Wonka film but Willy Wonka is the main character of the Charlie film.Critic: Kind of a marketing mistake...
- His kindergarten drawing of what a monster from the original novel looks like: a giant monster with the heads of his parents ripping the Critic in half. Critic's response? I had issues.
- When he's talking about how 2005 Charlie is so perfect he could try out for Jesus. He shows the part where he breaks his candy bar to share with his family:Critic (as Charlie): Do this, in memory of me.
- This:Grandpa Joe: (singing out the window during the "I've got a golden ticket" musical number) Good morning! Look at the sun!
(an animated tomato flies through the window and hits him in the face)
Critic (as the neighbors): SHUT UP!
- Point 3: The Songs. When discussing the soundtrack of the Burton version, Critic points out that the only catchy theme was the puppet song, which was earbleedingly catchy, much to his own chagrin.Critic: But enough of that... (the song keeps playing) I said enough alright. For God's sakes!! At least, play something else!! ("Small World" plays and Critic starts screaming)
- His annoyance at the 2005 film making Wonka the main focus when the focus should be on Charlie (channeling the Berserk Button of many a fan of the book).Critic: His name is in the title of the BOOK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
- The end of the review, where the annoying Ear Worm from the 2005 adaptation plays, and when Critic yells for something else, first "It's A Small World", then the DuckTales theme song, and finally the Doug theme song play. Quoting "Duck Amuck," Critic angrily insists that the person messing with the sound show himself, at which point the camera pans out and we find Douchey McNitpick pulling the strings.
Cool as Ice
- The review starts off with him simply laughing uncontrollably at the movie to the point where he can't even say his Catchphrase, and just gets funnier from there, especially when he keeps making fun of Vanilla Ice's ridiculous outfits, hairdos and dance moves."There's His Whiteness! ... why does he have a Post-It Note on the side of his head?"
"It's the latest dance moves! ... the Raggedy Ann Seizure."
"Look at his hair! It's like a level from Super Mario Bros..!"
"The spatula on my head approves of this situation."
"So we see the human crossword puzzle crossing the street...."
"Dig those dance steps. I think they call that the "Two-Year-Old Who Has To Pee" move."
"You like my shorts? I got 'em from the Hamburglar."
"This looks like a job for Chewed-up Black Condom Man!"
- Some of the greatest and lamest puns ever."Wow. What an icehole."
"Ah, the Zen of Ice. (Pause) Zice..."
- And the White-O-Meter, which tops out at "Conan O'Brien" and "Invisible."
- "I haven't seen a rapper this white since Funky T. Snowman! Continue to blow us away, Ice! Continue to blow us away!"
- And the White-O-Meter, which tops out at "Conan O'Brien" and "Invisible."
- There's also the whole 'fast-forwarding' through the house scene, which Critic calls 'A demented version of the cleaning-the-room scene from Mary Poppins.
- This line...
- Ice: Oh yeah, Kat, words of wisdom. Drop dat zero, and get with the hero.
Critic!Ice: Ya like that? Got that off The Disney Channel.
- "Wonder Bread, eaten by a Conservative congressman, in the middle of a snow storm, isn't this white."
- "So... is this their job? Just... hijacking parties and making them even crummier than they need to be?"
- Oh, and the 'interesting' dance moves used at the end.
- Critic: Aw, no no no no nononononono! That's like three pages of the Kama Sutra!
- When Ice saves Cathy, and later when he battles the thugs, NC parodies the 60's Batman music:Singers: Iceman!
- The infamous bike jump, in which the White-O-Meter goes critical and the screen explodes in blinding light.Critic: GAH! TOO WHITE!!
- "By Jove, who let those raving rapscallions into our neighborhood?" *scoffs and drinks tea*
- "WHOA! IT'S... NINJA ICE!"
- "DON'T MAKE ME POUT!"
- Go dumbass, go dumbass, go! Go dumbass, go dumbass, go!
- "Luckily, Max Headache comes along..."
- The sequence where the movie constantly shift between Ice talking to Cathy, and the two "frolicking", to NC's annoyance, When he demands the movie to pick a scene and stick with it, we get... frolicking with talking voiceover.
- Critic: ...
- This observation immediately beforehand:Critic: (watching Ice and Cathy frolic through the construction site) ...Why do I get the feeling that this is what black people think white people do all day?
- This joke:Ice: You need a psychiatrist!
(Cut to the Critic watching a pot and a kettle arguing)
Pot: You are so black!
Kettle: I'm not black, you're black!
Pot: I'M not black, YOU'RE black!
Kettle: I don't know what you're talking about! You're so obviously the black one! I mean for cryin' out loud...
- Critic's expression throughout this argument screams, "What."
- This:Ice: I was just chillin' in the 'hood, and thought you might want to go for a ride.
Critic: The 'hood? The 'HOOD?! What hood, the hood of your CAR?!
- Critic imitates Kathy's mom when she first meets Johnny
- So Ice drops her back home after saving her from the very slow-moving vehicle.
- "THE END." suddenly pops on the screen with a gunshot noise and vanishes just as quickly. The Critic quips:Critic: Did they just spit "The End" at us?
- The very first line."Should wrestlers star in movies? This is the question that has plagued mankind for centuries. On the one hand, it seems ideal; I mean, they're already sort of acting, aren't they? I mean they're wrestlers. They know how to play to the crowd, they know how to make everything look thematic—it's practically in their blood. On the other hand, Suburban Commando."
- Also, IT'S AFTERBURNER!!!
- Four words: "I was frozen today!"
"I almost kissed you, but I wouldn't."
- Also, his use of that clip directly after this line:
- The Critic combining three of his running gags together to form Big-Lipped Alligator Moment-Elephant-Chuck Norris.
- His deadpan reaction to the villain losing his hand because of a flying envelope is also hilarious.
- Rip-off/This is a rip-off/This is a rip-off/Are you kidding??
- His reaction to Shelley Duvall trying to seduce Christopher Lloyd.
- "This is a movie starring THE HULKSTER! as an intergalactic freedom fighter trying to hide out on Earth. What's that? That's even too crappy to be a TGIF sitcom?"
- Critic being amused by the tough guys.Tough Guy: (to Hulk Hogan) Hey! Goldilocks!
Critic: (chuckles) That was funny.
(after Hogan assumes the tough guys will try to beat him up for almost scratching the tough guy's car...)
Tough Guy: ...What are you, nuts? This is the '90s. We're gonna sue ya.
Critic: (chuckles) That's also funny. The movie clearly should've been about these guys.
The Next Karate Kid
- "Cockroach killer." "Whore." "Slut." "I do not know you."
- "And the award for Worst Exposition Ever Uttered In A Movie goes to...The Next Karate Kid! (applause) You suck!"
- "I JUST SHIT MYSELF."
- "Hilary Swank. You may know her from Boys Don't Cry..." [footage of Hilary's character dying] "...Million Dollar Baby..." [footage of Hilary's character dying] "...and my personal favorite, Dramatic Performance Followed by Death."Hilary Swank: Yay, I'm finally a complete person! [gets shot in the head]
- When Julie outruns the security guard: "Don't make run. I'm filled with pork chops and syrup!"
- "Typical teen love story. Boy meets girl, boy challenges girl to fight on docks. [beat] Something's not right about that."
- "'cus this is filler, filling up the time..."
- "Oh! Don't worry, not that late." "I already had an abortion." Casper's facial reactionnote was priceless and then: "Okay that was a little disturbing" "WOW!" "Just a little dark humor, I mean it's nothing about--" "WOW!" "Alright let's just move on!" "...you sicken me."
- "There, I did a kids film, ya happy?
- "You can see him smiling cause we're actually waving the check at him off screen."
- "EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION, rush it out ASAP!"
- The end of the review , in which Critic, dressed as a Ghostbuster, chases Casper right into GMX (with him getting a whole panel room involved in his chase).
Critic: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
- Casper's epic freak-out when Critic breaks out the Ghostbusters gear.
- The whole scene where he's running down the street and screaming, "CASPER!" Imagine if you lived in that neighborhood and you saw one of the residents in that attire and doing that without any real context.
- When he runs into a Chester A. Bum cosplayer:
Cosplayer: (pause) CHANGE!
- Bonus points to the Harley Quinn cosplayer who makes good use of her mallet, including providing the perfect ending. "Clear!"
- "HUG ME !" *NC is pushed into the pool*
- The DVD shows the raw footage of the Casper chase which continues running as Doug returns to his hotel room and plays up his removing the costume as stripping. On the commentary, Doug suddenly realizes that someone is probably masturbating to the scene, maybe even with the commentary on. "I hope it's a woman, but let's face it, it's probably a man."
- The opening with Linkara doing NC's lines, and NC finding out.
- "OH NO, YOU DON'T! You started this review, we're going to finish it!"Critic: What are we reviewing again?
["Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" appears on-screen]
Critic: Aw, fuckdonkeys!
- Linkara's reaction to Big-Lipped Alligator Moment is nothing short of priceless.
- "It's time to play International Politics!"Linkara: Alright, Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, a country surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map! However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal! Now Superman comes in and says he's gonna take that arsenal away! What do you do?
Critic: Um, tell him to hump my ass?
Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry, Critic, the correct answer was "applaud wildly"!
Linkara: Next question, and this one's for the game! You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a Cold War against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing that keeps you and the US from engaging in combat with conventional weapons! Suddenly, Superman comes along and says he's gonna take away all your nuclear weapons! What do you do?
Critic: Ooh, I know! I know! Applaud wildly!
Linkara: That is correct! You won the grand prize, Critic! You get to continue watching this crap!
- Then there's his use of the Super Mario Bros. 3 "falling from airship" music to accompany Superman and Nuclear Man falling through the clouds.
- During Superman and Nuclear Man's zero gravity fight-sequence on the Moon, the music recuts to a Standard Snippet of "The Blue Danube" to emphasize the obnoxiously slow battle, while featuring cuts to Linkara nonchalantly flipping through a magazine, the Critic with a depressingly bored look on his face, and finally Linkara playing with his Nintendo DS.
- Any of the movie's lame attempts at comic relief actually do manage to become hilarious in this review. Clark Kent "goofily" working out is perfectly accented by Linkara's "It's time for some COMEDY!...Wasn't there an impending nuclear war?", and the scene where Supes needs to be in two places at once is underscored by "The Entertainer" and topped off with Critic's goofy face and arm motions.
- The Critic's reaction to Jeremy's voice:Jeremy: I'll tell you who we should write a letter to that would do some good!
Critic (as Jeremy): Muthafucka!
- This exchange:
- When Nuclear Man takes Lacy (a Puny Earthling, unlike Superman or Nuclear Man) into space, where she can perfectly breathe...Critic: What?! WHAAAT?!?! You can't! Breath! In space, guys! This is kindergarten science! Kindergarten!
Linkara: It's okay Critic, i-it's okay, it's gonna be alright!
Critic: (holding back tears) No, it's not! This movie is still playing!
- Just to mention one joke:Critic: ...[Superman IVs] morals are bullshit, its plot is half-thrown together, and physics take a back-seat to mediocre special effects that you're more likely to see in one of Linkara's videos!
Critic: Get over it, you comic geek, your special effects suck!
Linkara: "Bat Credit Card".
Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!?! [cue Unstoppable Rage, Angrish and Firing in the Air a Lot]
Linkara: [smiling] He's The Nostalgia Critic, he remembers it so you don't have to!
- "BAT CREDIT CARD? JEE-YAAAAAAY-ZUS!!!"
- Tickle Me Amy.
- "Hungry Hungry Hippos! Hungry Hungry Hippos!"
- The Critic's impersonation of Tim Curry's bad accent in the film."The diamonds are here!"
"And queer! And not going any-weer!"
"No, n-(starts retching) Sorry, I'm just vomiting up my tuna sandwich!"
- Likewise, using a Laugh Track whenever Tim Curry speaks in the movie.
- And the line used as The Stinger: STOP! EA-ting my SESAME! CAKE!Critic: That was for desert! This tea party is ruined!
- Critic's implied responses of the gorillas when Amy spoke through the translator:Three Wild Gorillas: (beat; deadpan) Whatever.
First Gorilla: That was strange.
Second Gorilla: What the hell was she talking about? Third Gorilla: Weird Power Glove wearing freak.
- "My accent just orgasms at it!"
- The awesome parody of the opening from The Lion King:"Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This movie sucks! You should get a refund! Go see Toy Story next time. It's in the theater next door."
- Critic's response to the scene in which Bruce Campbell gets a bloody eyeball thrown at him.Critic: C'mon, Jeffrey, stop throwing your eyeballs at me. *beat* WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
- The climax of the movie: "Hey, look, a pool!" "Let's jump in!"
Siskel & Ebert Tribute
- From his tribute to Siskel And Ebert-"Why would you think that?"
- "So, besides me, what do you think of when you hear the word critic. (Image of The Angry Video Game Nerd shows up) "NO! Get him off-screen!"
- The third answer to that question, which makes him stare at the viewer with an expression of "What the hell is wrong with you?"
- "So, besides me, what do you think of when you hear the word critic. (Image of The Angry Video Game Nerd shows up) "NO! Get him off-screen!"
- Blink and you'll miss it, but the list of religion's he's prejiduced against include "Whatever religion the Oompa Loompas practice."
- Ma-Ti at the hospital. That is all.Critic: So hey, why are you in the hospital, anyway?
Ma-Ti: I'm removing my balls. I am now a literal pussy!
Critic: Oh, it's not like—
- When Critic imagines what they're arguing about during the opening scene:"Did you kill the hooker?"
"No, I thought you killed her."
"I didn't kill her, I thought it was your job to kill her."
"It was your job to kill her, remember?"
"Well, we better change our identities."
- The text scroll read by James Earl Jones.Critic: James Earl Jones is talking about an elite FORCE huh?... Okay, let's look through the Star Wars jokes here. (plays a Darth Vader quote)
- "And now, since I'm unbelievably immature, the Judge Dredd Blow Dance."
- The multi-function gun. "Armor piercing. Rapid fire. Back massage. Lounge music (Music plays)."
- "Well, I can't turn back now, that was way too good of an exit. ... I guess I'll just stay here for a while. ... Damn it, I forgot my iPod. ... 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer..."
- Two bottles o' beer on the wall, two bottles o'... Oh hey Dredd got any beer?
- Judge Judy, the most feared of all.
- The NC pointing out how no one can seem to pronounce
the lawThe LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
- Which accumulates to the point where he sings the word
lawLAAAAAAAAAAAW over and over again to the tune of the Can-Can. Complete with Judge Dredd kick-line.
- Judge Dredd: The Musical.
- The metaphorical-turned-literal Cat Fight.
- Which accumulates to the point where he sings the word
- "I'm alive! Oh, so are you." (cue Seinfeld music)
- The whole damn thing becomes Hilarious in Hindsight after ToBoldlyFlee.
- After Rico's "I am the new beginning!" scene.Critic (as the ABC Robot): Don't look at me. I was built to sound stupid.
- Critic mockingly bites his nails when Dredd is pronounced guilty of murder.
- Critic's mocking of the Dramatic Thunder during Fargo's death scene.Critic (as Fargo): Rico's your brother. *thunder*
Critic (as Dredd): Rico's my brother? *thunder*
Critic (as Fargo): What? *thunder*
Critic (as Dredd): I said, "Rico's my brother?" *thunder*
Critic (as Fargo): Yes, I know. I said that. *thunder*
Critic (as Dredd): No, I was just repeating what you just said so I could clarify the facts. *thunder*
Critic (as Fargo): Oh. *thunder*
- "O-okay, this movie just went up a notch. Or... at least... SOMETHING went up a notch."
- Critic's reaction to Tank Girl and her boyfriend's odd little foreplay/strip search session at the beginning:Critic: Did I mention a woman directed this?
(Tank Girl's boyfriend continues stripping)
Critic: (unnerved) ...A woman who hopefully wasn't horny as hell?
(TG's boyfriend begins to take his pants off)
Critic: (panicked) A woman who hopefully hates looking at a naked male body as much as I do?!
- "NOOO!!! NOT THE YAK!!! IT WAS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER!!!" *cue Yakkity Yak*
- Also this:Tank Girl's Producer: Alright, Ice-T, I know you got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role.
Ice-T: Yeah, okay.
Producer: (long pause) ...You're a kangaroo—
Ice-T: FUCK YEAH!!!
- "NOW BRING ME MORE THINGS TO SMASH!!!" *throws glass on the floor*
- "AQUAFINA IS PEEEEEEOPLE!!"
- "Ohhh, my Clockwork Oranges!"
- "Happy Happy, Joy Joy! Happy Happy, Joy Joy!"
- Mocking Tank Girl's blatant showboating:(Tank Girl balances on a tank's cannon while being fired at by the enemy)
Critic (as Tank Girl): I WANT ATTENTION!
- This bit:
- His expressions of revulsion at the horrible music number.
Critic: All right... I hate this movie so much, and this scene in particular, that Im willing to go so far as to show pictures of starving children that we couldve saved with the money used on this picture.
- Culimating in a "Big-Lipped Starving Children Moment".
- "Ha ha! Baywatch! It's funny because it existed!"
- "Jinkies, motherfucker!"
- The "Drowning Girl Cam" when Tank Girl wastes time taunting the villain instead of going to save the little girl.
- At the beginning we get this.
- "Oh, I guess we're in the promo for the Saturday morning cartoon now." "Why does this look like Andy Warhol's spit-up?"
- The "hard rock" version of I'm a Little Teapot.
- NC editing a scene into the mother telling Jack all the affairs she had, complete with scare chord.
- "I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas so Christmas Christmas. *beat* CHRISTMAS!!!"
- After Jack dies in a car accident and the screen smashes to black, the scene then switches to one year later at his son's school. The NC is not happy with this sudden transition."Good Lord, that was terrible! What, are they trying to brush off death like one of those old awkward Disney films?
(Jack's car accident scene is repeated, then cuts to "Spring Song" from Bambi)
- His reaction to the snowman. Take your pick."I think I'm gonna hurl!"
"It doesn't look so much like it wants to play with Charlie as friggin' eat him!"
"Can we keep the creepy snowman out of our faces?" (Jack exits frame) "Good, that—" (Jack suddenly enters back into frame) "OH, GOD! Take it away!!"
- After Jack Frost rejects the idea of using two snowballs as breasts, and throws them back at the kid who threw them:Critic: Wow, I didn't think anything could top DuckTits, but that came pretty damn close.
- This bit:Jack Frost: You know, the nice thing about having these big balls, excuse me...
Critic: Oh, good to know you're still a perv.
- Critic saying snowman Jack standing still looks like he's trying to take a dump.
- "I mean, we're, like, 35 minutes in, and I haven't seen one wink of Frosty T. Blowman!"
He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special
- "My god, those TRANSFORMING robots are TRANSFORMING into some kind of TRANSFORMED evil! I think they're called Care Bears!"
- NC's surprise over how Swift Wind sounds.I mean, what girl wants to hear their unicorn say: "C'mon She-Ra! Let's go fight some evil doers! Maybe we can stop by the cigar store on the way there!"?
- "Yeah, maybe you could find a cell phone...maybe call someone who can come up here and rescue us. Oh, by the way....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!?"
- The "Gay Jokes I Could Have Made" counter
- He breaks his moratorium on gay jokes briefly to point out how phallic one of the vehicles looks, wondering how it could possibly have been accidental. This is followed shortly by a giant metal hand grasping it. Tightly.
- Him imitating Orko during the end of the special.
- "Christmas time?! I'm JEWISH! I get eight candles, a dreidle and a new pair of slacks every year, I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler Youths!"
- Critic pointing out that no one seems to notice or care about the Transformation Sequence.Critic (as He-Man): Hey sis. I have the power.
Critic: I love how the transformations aren't a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes, and be like "Oh hey, He-Man, when you get a chance could you—
He-Man: [offscreen] "I HAVE THE POWER!
Critic: [simultaneously] —Oh, okay nevermind.
- "Who are your friends? I'm the gay son of Casey Kasem and Jerry Seinfeld. Nyeaaah."
- Critic misconstruing Hordak's name
- "Just look at Skeletor's face. Clearly, not even he can understand Horde Prime"
- (As Skeletor) "You need to enunciate! I have no lips, and even I can enunciate!"
- "*imitating Swift Wind* "OH, GOD! Every time this happens, I feel unbelievable pain! God, I hate sprouting these wings! Aaaaah, sweet Jesus, it hurts!"
- Bo being frozen with the "I WAS FROZEN TODAY" sound clip
- "Dude, you shot him in the Skelenads!"Hordak: I'll take those goodie goods.
Rob as Skeletor: You just shot my goodie goods.
- This.She-Ra: The beast-monster!
Critic: Isn't that a little redundant? I mean, isn't that kind of like saying "Look out! The tortoise-turtle! He's evil-bad!"
- Critic projectile-vomiting into a paper bag at the sound of the kids' Christmas song.
- When wondering why Skeletor added a coat-creating device on his magic wand, he imitates a conversation between Skeletor and another guy :Critic (as Skeletor): My wand can do anything ! It can kill people, destroy cities, and make fashionable fur coats!
Other Guy: But, why?
Critic (as Skeletor): Why ? Why ?! What if it gets cold ?! People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level ! It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks!
Other Guy: But why does it do that?
Critic (as Skeletor): Have you ever had a Pina Colada without one of those little umbrellas on top ? It's depressing ! Nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil!
Other Guy: Oh.
Critic (as Skeletor): I am Skeletor!
- "What do you want, a cookie?" It's just the way he says it and the scene that came before the line that just cracks me up.
The Top 11 Next Best Christmas Specials
- Two words: Die Hard.
- More specifically, five words; "Fuck you, it's Die Hard!"
- His reaction to receiving the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- The package he receives says "Star Wars Christmas Special!" The exclamation point was the icing on the cake.
- Also, "Bitch, you pregnant! Bye!!"
- When he talks about things most films related to the birth of Christ leave out - such as how Joseph is about to stone Mary to death for her apparent infidelity:Critic (as Joseph): Oh, really? Immaculate conception, huh? (beat) Oh, the son of God, yeah, the Lord of all, no kidding? (fake laughter) Well, I'm gonna give the Archangel two seconds before I (raises fist) POUND THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YA—!
(a sphere of light appears to angelic music)
Angel: Don't, Joseph, it's cool.
(the light fades)
Critic (as Joseph): You got lucky.
- When he talks about things most films related to the birth of Christ leave out - such as how Joseph is about to stone Mary to death for her apparent infidelity:
The Star Wars Holiday Special
- "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it —" (gets up, tries to make a break for it)
- But as he tries to escape, and the camera pursues him, he trips and falls as it catches up with him.Critic: I can't escape it, can I? (camera swings left and right, as if saying "no") I'm gonna have to go through with it, aren't I? (camera swings up and down, as if saying "yes")
- But as he tries to escape, and the camera pursues him, he trips and falls as it catches up with him.
- Wookie Christmas Carols.
- Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine discussing the need to close down Bea Arthur's bar on Tatooine. In the commentary Doug says the beat right before Vader asks why they need Bea Arthur is his favorite joke in the review.
- Critic's horrified reaction to the "Grandpa Wookie" watching some strange holographic videonote .
- "Is... this a traditional Life Day pastime?"
- "Ew! Why can't we see Grandpa's hands!?"Critic: Are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean, you got Jabba putting Leia in a slave outfit, and now we've got a Wookie jerking off to this chick! How many interspecies love nests are there?!
- "Ve hear you've been hiding Jewish Evoks."
- "Well that just perms my hair."
- All the wookie growling making his ears bleed.
- "How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS!"
- It is then followed with Gag Subs of what the Wookies are saying:Malla: Junior, come over here and eat your yak testicles!
Lumpy: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted!
Malla: You were adopted! You're just a Sand-Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination!
- Critic then finds the script doesn't have any idea what they're saying.DO SOMETHING!!!
- And in a Freeze-Frame Bonus, the bottom of the page has "Begin Bea Arthur Striptease".
- Critic being baffled at a Stormtrooper tripping over his own gun:"How do you think he'd do in a real battle? Oh hey, look, rebels!" (takes out gun pointing it upwards, mistakenly shoots himself in the head and falls over)
- The commentary by Doug and Rob has some
- The Wookie version of The Brady Bunch theme song.
- I'm Going to Hell for This is uttered twice, in reference to the "Jewish Ewoks" joke and the Santa Christ song at the end.
- During the commentary Rob gets a call from his girlfriend and actually takes it as they're recording, much to Doug's chagrin, prompting Doug to try and be as annoying as possible while he's talking to her. This quickly degenerates into the brothers yelling insults at each other.
- About the instuctional video with Harvey Korman assembling a transmitter: "And yes, they show you. Every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!!"
- "Gawd! They sound like humpback whales GETTING THEIR DICKS CHOPPED OFF!!"
- "A big lipped" "Don'tdon't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night."
- Critic saying that he feels like he's getting stupider while watching the part with the instruction video:
- "Is that Greedo? Hmm. I guess he did shoot first."
- "So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting the stock footage from the first movie..."
- Him comparing the animated sequence with the cutscenes in the CD-i Zelda games.
- "GAH! Why does Solo looke like Richard Gere's crinkled-up caricature?"
- The "Stir, whip, stir, whip" sequence.Critic: (despondent) Harvey Korman, no...
- Capping with:Critic: ENOUGH!!! GOD DAMN IT, ENOUGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!! How is this entertaining?! What was the intended audience for this? Ages dead to one?!
- Capping with:
- He does take the time to say that Bea Arthur was actually quite entertaining in her Cantina segment.
- "Harvey Korman! Haven't seen him in the past 5 minutes of torture!"
- "When you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars. Not these walking dog anuses all day!"
- "GOD DAMMIT, THE FUCKING WOOKIES! I hope he [Lumpy] gets stuck in a drainpipe!"
- "Is there a video that teaches you how to make a goddamned holiday special? BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONE YOU GODDAMNED NEED!" (while we are treated to a FULL instructional video of Harvey Korman assembling a transmitter in the middle of the special.)
- "Santa Christ, Santa Christ. We all love Santa Christ!"
- "He played bass for Aerosmith! Reads to sick orphans, too! He goes surfing in space and makes really good fondue!"
Ernest Saves Christmas
- Santa Claus in Dr. Ho
- "M, V, M, V, M, V, M, V..." * cuts to a clip of Star Wars Holiday Special* "Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip... "NO! NO! WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT!"
- Any line making Douglas Seale the most badass Santa ever. "Time to open a can!"
- "Wassup, my niggaz?"
- The Crazy Taxi gag.
- 100 Mugging Points!
- "Don't forget to hit the Asians!"
- "So Ernest P. Worrel drives Santa Claus around in a cab... Boy, that's something I didn't think I'd say today."
- Ernest in Santa's sled crashing into Superman. "That's one messy Christmas."
- The Running Gag involving Santa's...erm...sack.
- "QUIT CALLING IT THAT!"
- "Aw great, ya blew up the......Santa Pun-O-Meter? Why do I have one of those?"
- "Call the police!"
- "You Need to Get Laid, Ernest."
- "You Missed! But you can still get Jack Skellington."
- The Running Gag about Santa's listSanta: I had a list of names. There were several hundred, but for one reason or another, they were eliminated until you were the only one left.
Critic: Woah! Santa's got mob ties. (as Santa) I broke their merry little thumbs and shoved them down the yuletide elevator shaft. Don't make me do that to you, Joe!
- "We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..."
- "We're here to shoot a David Lynch film!"
- The Christmas Slay routine.Santa: Joe, I thought this motion picture was called Christmas Sleigh?
Director: S-L-A-Y. It's about an alien from outer space.
Critic: It's made by Uwe Boll? [Santa punches the director] Yeah, I'd hit someone who works for Uwe Boll, too.
- Any lines of NC saying anything in the Santa voice;Lying girl co-star: That's my mean uncle, he works me like a slave and locks me in the basement—
Critic (as Santa): You sit upon a throne of lies.