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- Points out that before Mars Attacks!, Tim Burton's biggest blunder was his blockbuster hits not leading well with McDonald's Happy Meal toys. He even puts the restaurant's famous "I'm Lovin' It" jingle when The Penguin bites a man's nose. Then the first thing we see in the film proper was cows on fire, leading the Critic to put the jingle in that scene.
- His overall reaction to the All-Star Cast being either killed off or not being utilized to their fullest.
- His comment on Danny DeVito in the film:Critic: I like to think of him as his character from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia wandering onto the set and refusing to leave unless they wrote a part for him.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
- Young, 1997 Critic wishes Lara Croft was real, and sure enough, she appears in front of him, looking exactly like she did on the PlayStation. Complete with a pointed face, large lips, and square breasts.
- "There's a saying when it comes to video game movies, and it goes something like this: Video-Game Movies Suck."
- Because Lara Croft's butler is played by Chris Barrie, the Critic cannot resist making a reference to "Gazpacho Soup Day".
- After discussing Lara's lack of security, and subsequent beatdown of the intruders, the Critic describes a darkly humorous scene in which a robber (Jim Jarosz) comes across an unlocked door leading to a huge bag of money labeled "take it"... except the owner of the house (Malcolm Ray) is sitting behind it with a loaded shotgun and a Slasher Smile, goading him to take the bag. The robber, disturbed by this setup, wisely decides to leave the money alone and head out.Owner: Come back any time!
Robber: I won't!
- Lara does it for the glory, while the bad guys does it for the money.
- Critic: See, this is why Dr. Jones gets shit done, he does it for both.Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid.
- The opening is a parody of the fan-animated "alternate ending" (itself a parody of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford), even culminating in Malcolm turning Critic into a bear rug, and still making him do the review. The attention to detail in recreating each shot of the "alternate ending" is astounding, to the point that Malcolm even holds the shotgun in the same manner Booboo did, even though he would be perfectly capable of holding it normally.
- The Critic finds Tom Cavanagh's performance as Ranger Smith hilarious as he's giving a performance that amounts to "I don't want to be here". Showcasing it with an "inner thoughts mic". The video even ends with the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme playing over footage of him.
- The inner thoughts mic record him calling Yogi "Bigfoot Jar Jar Binks", "Six-foot Winnie the Shit" and "Art Carney from Honeymooners covered with Paddington's pubic hair".
- This leads to the Critic hoping that Ranger Smith is actually Eobard Thawne from another universe so he could kill Yogi like he did Cisco.
- He's utterly flabbergasted at the fact that a movie managed to misuse the Wilhelm Scream.
- This bit.Ranger Smith: Rachel, you and this park have one thing in common.
Critic: You're both moldy and green in all the wrong places.
- "Oh no! They blown my Boo-boo to Boo-bits!"
- Throughout the review, characters are given nipples outside their clothing, acting as a parody of the infamous "Bat Nipples" that the costumes in Schumacher's films had. And in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it joke, even the Red Lobster at the end has nipples on the outside of his costume.
- The fact and the matter that the Critic brings to attention throughout the episode is how some of the characters' dialects are so overly orgasmic or sexual in nature.
- The Last Angry Geek's reactions towards The Riddler's invention called "The Box" when in fact, The Last Angry Geek keeps pointing out that the device is in fact "cone" shaped. Even Critic gets in on it for a moment.Critic: I don't know why you have such a problem saying you're watching Jim Carrey's box-- nooow I get it.
- And making fun of The Last Angry Geek's Nonindicative Name, as there are millions of angry geeks out there.
- The Critic and Last Angry Geek have a lot of fun using Dick Grayson's name in as many puns as possible. They conclude this Running Gag by advising viewers to "Go out to your local Dick and say - 'I know it's hard, Dick. Thank you'."
- "The day is saved, but young Grayson is left without a family. To demonstrate Schumacher's understanding of this tremendous loss, we cut immediately to a horse humping a rock."
- They originally considered Jim Carrey's performance as a Bruce Wayne fanboy "too over the top", but after seeing internet culture and fanboys (cut to the Szechuan sauce riots of 2017, SammyClassicSonicFan, and Chris Crocker), they realize it's too subtle.
- Taking every opportunity possible to lampoon Tommy Lee Jones' overt hypocrisy for telling Carrey that "I cannot sanction your buffoonery" while acting as the largest of hams in the movie they shared.
- The Critic and LAG reacting to Bruce's Bat-pipe to the Batcave scene, specifically the fact that it's activated by him simply saying the word "Chair" in his chair.Critic: Does he really see no problem rising with that setup?
Critic (as a Guest): Boy, Bruce, this is a really comfortable chair!
[the guest is plunged down the pipe screaming while LAG!Bruce looks on with an Oh, Crap! face]
- Bonus points for having not only the sound effect when NC!Guest shoots down the pipe (which is also a great special effect), but the soundtrack from the scene too.
- At Nygma's party:Nygma: Shall we dance?
(Nygma gives Bruce a look as he joins Chase on the dance floor)
Critic (as Nygma): I was asking you...
- When The Riddler reveals his plan to use The Box to take everyone's personal information, the two are stunned how relevant that plan is, but then adamantly refuse to admit it's "ahead of its time".
- The ending with the Riddler in Arkham.
- The Critic is excited to, for the first time, introduce Tom Ruegger and Paul Rugg, only to be reminded that they were already on the show for the Animaniacs tribute. So he introduces them for the first time to talk about Freakazoid. The two start crying like at an awards show.
- The Critic states he's happy to have them on just to be on, with no product promotion. The two agree, while holding up signs for Freak-a-Con.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
- The Portmanteau Couple Name given to the newlywed Devil Boner and Hyper Fan Girl? "Hyper-Boner". It's not helped that Chester and Doe, the Devil, and Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair all show up to milk the "Hyper-Boner" joke for all its worth.
- At the end, sick of all the Hyper Boner jokes, Devil Boner tries to remedy things by changing his name to "Devil Fangirl." He and Hyper both agree that's a terrible idea and just keep their names. Then they decide to consummate their marriage...by passing out from the exhaustion of the wedding.
- We eat Theodore, you know hell eat us if we dont eat him!
- The return of the Joel Schumacher Slow-mo count.
- One of the dance moves is referred to as the "Im a little teapot" seizure.
- Near the end, the Critic grows fearful that Ian Hawke, the one character who usually brings genuine humor to these films, was starting to let go of the characteristics he had through his HeelFace Turn, complete with Obi Wan's "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!" speech spliced in... only for him to win the Critic back by the end of his speech seconds later.
- Critic at one point voices that he liked to imagine that the boat they were on was the boat from Speed 2: Cruise Control so that Willem Dafoe could catch them.
- The Running Gag of mispronouncing Diaval's name.
- After King Henri's sudden and inexplicable FaceHeel Turn, Maleficent turns evil because, in the Critic's words, she decides "If he can randomly turn into a dick, so can I".
- The Critic finding that the older version of King Henry, who speaks with a somewhat wispy voice and a broad Scottish accent, comes across as rather silly:Critic: Did they replace him with a shrinking Scrooge McDuck? How am I supposed to be intimidated by that voice?
Critic: (rubbing his forehead in frustration) David Tennant sucking helium balloons would be more intimating than this guy!
Alice Through the Looking Glass
- "You know, when did Tim Burton and Johnny Depp become the people you call on to tone down the imagination?"
- When Malice reappears to tell Critic of the danger in Burtonland, he says "Tell me all about it!" and then immediately walks out of the room.Malice: There's great trouble brewing in— (door slams shut in her face) Twat.
- One of the strange sights in the new Burtonland is Walter in a Red Ranger helmet fighting Dino Rob. Later revealed to be a connection to Walter's "Top 5 Best Power Rangers Turbo Episodes" video.
- When Alice goes to the Chronosphere, music from Castlevania plays.
- The Critic's comment regarding three of the actors in this movie:
- The entire crowd of stuffy British people mumbling about Alice demonstrating high levels of unorthodoxy.
- The whole closing skit, where Alice recounts the events of the remake and its sequel to her disbelieving sister. All done in the style of the Disney animated movie.
The Jungle Book (2016)
- At the beginning, the Critic tells of the themes tackled in Kipling's original Jungle Book and how it became "the funny monkey movie" once Disney got their hands on it.
- Critic comparing Bagheera's voiceover exposition to studying for a test, complete with Critic acting like a student who slept through his teacher's lesson.
- During the scene where Mowgli hides from Shere Khan in a roving herd of wildebeest (actually water buffalo):Critic as Shere Khan: Hmm, I saw another Disney film like this. Doesn't end well for the cat.
- Critic calling the 1967 version of Kaa a mix between Winnie-the-Pooh and Herbert.
- Baloo is called "Bill Murray playing Bill Murray voicing a bear played by Bill Murray".Critic: I guess his distinct voice can be a little distracting, but if you never heard Little John when watching the original, you were lying to your soul.
- When Critic notes that the animals don't know the proper word for fire, but apparently do know "propaganda".Critic: Guess they got a lot of Michael Moore movies on the jungle.
- Critic noticing how fast the wildfire spreads and saying that it spread faster than "wildfire". And adding that, by the time it's put out, half of India should have been ablaze by then.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
- The opening, where Tamara dressed as Belle dances lovingly with a giant dollar sign while the singer (Doug) sings an off-key parody of the title song, and then when the song ends, Belle opens her mouth to reveal vampire fangs and bites the dollar sign and cleans her teeth while the singer is at a loss for words.
- The Critic noting that Belle is somehow a bookworm from a library with only 12 books, comparing it to someone calling themselves a movie buff after only seeing eight movies, and they're all from Pure Flix Entertainment.
- This line from the Critic once Belle's washing machine is trashed:
- Critic: When will people just let women use washing machines-My God, that sounds sexist, Beauty and the Beast!
- The Critic is not happy when the castle staff reveals to Belle that they pretty much die if the spell is not lifted. Cut to a skit with Malcolm as Lumiere unintentionally revealing it to Belle played by Tamara, who is already stressing about the spell, thus putting more pressure on her to fall in love with the Beast. Belle snarks at Lumiere for dropping that bomb on her and leaves while Lumiere panics on what becomes of him in the afterlife.
- Lumiere: Where does the soul of a candlestick go?! Where does the soul of a candlestick go?!
- And when the Enchantress reveals herself at the end, the Critic just unloads about all of the implications regarding how she erased everyone's memories of the castle's servants.Critic: Her (the Enchantress) secretly viewing all of this doesn't make her an all-knowing angel, it makes her a friggin' psychopath. She is a goddamn psychopath! This movie is messed up!
Jack and Jill
- The opening to this video is similar to that of the Critic's review of The Star Wars Holiday Special: he is forced to do the review against his will, after he tries to sneak out of his responsibility. In this case, it spoofs the final arrest scene from Fargo: Malcolm and Tamara notice that he is not at the studio, but at home. There, they knock on his door, asking if that's his car out there, and he tells him he be there momentarily, after which they force open the door and catch him trying to sneak out the back window, and they pin him down while reminding him of his obligations, while he wails in protest like a bratty kid.
- The opening sequence doesn't assuage the Critic's fears, as Jack is an ad executive, meaning the film is ripe for Product Placement (something that, as the Critic points out, Adam Sandler movies are notorious for), with him and Tim Meadows name-dropping Dunkin' Donuts (which becomes an actual plot point) while standing in front of a cart of Pepto-Bismol before mentioning how they got Brad Pitt to do a commercial for Radio Shack.Critic: Oh my god, stop! Stop! Christ, I could go for a Diet Coke right no-OH MY GOD (Sees Jack carrying a can of Diet Coke) it's working on me and I didn't even know it! We're up to four product placements in the first four minutes. That's a product placement per minute! For the love of Insert Your Ad Here, just tell a story! (Cut to Jill's first scene) ...Go back to the product placement, go back to the product placement!
- When the taxi passes beneath a very overt American Airlines sign...Critic: Are you sure... Adam Sandler himself isn't a product by this point?
- When the taxi passes beneath a very overt American Airlines sign...
- The Critic describes Jill as what would happen if "Linda from Bob's Burgers took on the identity of any of the Monty Python performers in drag."
- When Norm Macdonald cameos for a date with Jill, we're treated to his Internal Monologue saying "Y'know Sandler, I'm aware we both got our kinda Anti-Humor thing going on, but wow are you anti-humor!"
- The Critic admits that, somehow, the romance subplot between Jill and Al Pacino is the only thing of any worth in the movie, prompting an Actually Pretty Funny line when Pacino says he used to raise pigeons, then corrects himself, as he'd confused himself for Marlon Brando.
- Prior to this, as Jill prepares for her date with Norm, Jack's son asks what he'll be wearing "in Hell" for lying, prompting the Critic to admit it was worth a smirk.
- The Critic has to put the kibosh on an idea twice.
- First he says that the film is what he'd expect if a Madea movie was made where there were two Madeas, and shouts for Tyler Perry to stop writing it down - causing Malcolm wearing a Tyler Perry cutout face to throw his pen at the desk.
- When Jack wakes up next to Jill with a manic grin on her face (complete with Incest Subtext line of "Why can't I just lay with you?!"), the Critic says that that's what you see when you wake up in Hell... only to yell for Satan to not write it down, cue Malcolm!Satan tossing his pen away.
An American Tail: Fievel Goes West
- The Critic opens by talking about An American Tail, and its themes of separation and reunion. After that...Critic: And then the sequel came out. (poster for this movie is displayed) It's a cowboy movie!
- In introducing Fievel Goes West, the Critic wonders if John Cleese turned down the role of Cogsworth to play the villain in this movie instead.
- The scene with Cat R. Waul being put into Marshmallow Hell by a human woman exclaiming "Pussy, pussy pussy!" over and over again prompts the Critic to come up with a new word - "Uneckibable!" to describe just how awkward it was.
- Shortly after, he's confused about why Tanya's dress suddenly became partially-transparent, then laments just how much of an Ear Worm "The Girl You Left Behind" is.It sounds like the "Beef, It's What's for Dinner" song except with a leprechaun on crack playing the fiddle.
- He concludes the review getting a little misty-eyed at hearing Jimmy Stewart delivering a line laden with Reality Subtext, as An American Tail: Fievel Goes West was his last film role.Wiley: Just remember, Fievel - one man's sunset is another man's dawn. I don't know what's out there beyond those hills. But if you ride yonder... head up, eyes steady, heart open... I think one day you'll find that you're the hero you've been looking for.
Critic: (Barely holding back tears) He's been dead for years, I am not letting "Fievel Goes West" get to me!
- Critic starts the video by posing the question of whether the film is actually deep for being satirically shallow, or is actually shallow for trying to be intentionally deep. He gets interrupted by Tamara and Malcolm laughing and then pointing out that he's not wearing pants.
- When the Flash Forward opening ends with Rico being impaled before the news feed cuts to static, Kent Brockman appears to welcome our new insect overlords.
- Critic wastes no time lampshading the concept of Denise Richards playing a top honors student, and blames this film for her casting as a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough.
- Critic is immediately freaked out at the notion of Neil Patrick Harris being a creepy psychic, stating that he is by far the worst threat in the film. Yes, worse than the genocidal alien bugs!
- He's similarly weirded out by the concept of where they found someone to whip people in the military. Cut to Tamara interviewing Malcolm for the position, as he wants to whip people for a good cause.Interviewer: We see this more as a tragic necessity than a good cause.
Whipper: Sure, sure, but if you gotta do it, you might as well do it with a slightly-aroused smile on your face.
Interviewer: You are by far the scariest person I've ever met in my entire life... but thankfully, that's a qualification. You've got the job!
- Critic gets confused by the co-ed shower scene, and eventually settles for calling it weirdly fascisty-progressive. He then points out the double standard of many boobs being on full display with hardly any shots of a guy's junk.
- When reaching the scene of Buenos Aires' destruction, Critic again asks if Boomer will make it. Not this time, it turns out.
- The Critic calling the Brain Bug "The Butt Judge" and "Anus Queen".
- Apparently the Critic's penis is literally a Censor Box.Critic: It's a very specific birth defect!
The Emoji Movie
- The review begins with Critic frowning. Instead of saying a word, he pulls out the Blu-Ray case for The Emoji Movie, then texts three emojis: a fist showing its middle finger, another hand pointing to the case, and an angry poop emoji.Translation
- As the movie begins, the Columbia Pictures Torch Lady is getting its picture taken on a smartphone camera, followed by a smiley face emoji wearing sunglasses being superimposed over the Torch Lady's face. This prompts the Critic to exclaim, "I immediately hate all life!"
- The main kid, whose phone is where Textopolis is located, is named Alex, but the Critic decides to just call him "Riley", because that's basically who he is, even though it's not his real name.
- "Why does a hand have a butt?! Why is that my biggest question, but more importantly, why does a hand have a butt?!"
- When the movie makes a joke about the self-worship of Facebook, the Critic points out the fact that this film is nothing but that and says "It's like hearing "Fascism is bad" in Triumph of the Will!"
Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins
- The video opens with an improbable attempt on the Critic's life. He escapes, but then Malcolm appears to declare how the Critic's review of Fievel Goes West had made him angry.Malcolm: (beat) ...Just thought I'd mention it.
- A parody of the Scooby-Doo theme:Nostalgia Critic, where are...ic?
We got some work to do now
Danger level: zoinks
That is why—''
- It is interrupted by the arrival of Roger, who immediately ruins the planned mystery by revealing himself within seconds into the parody.
- The Critic is the only one throughout the review who is still dedicated to solving a sort of mystery through the movie - although whenever he tries to point out a potential mystery, it is shot down by how obvious the solution would be by Roger and the rest of the group. It goes to the point that they don't need to say anything to the Critic, as he breaks down from only his own desperation.
- At the end of each of these moments, the gang head off to discuss live-action adaptations of other Hanna-Barbera cartoons.
The Boss Baby
- The Critic complains that he never should have reviewed The Emoji Movie, because that opens the floodgates for more current crap, one of them being The Boss Baby. Unlike The Emoji Movie, however, the Critic notes, The Boss Baby was actually a box office success, resulting in a spinoff TV show and an nomination for Best Animated Picture. The Critic concludes that that means that "it's not only bad, but considering its audience, it's embarrassingly bad."
- During the climax with Tim singing "Blackbird"...
- The Critic having to deal with Modern!Frank Miller's batshit insanity. Throughout some of the review, he has to try and stop giving attention to him, as per advice from Cool!Frank Miller.
- The Critic guessing The Octopus' real profession is tentacle hentai.
- The Critic mentions that the monologues from the Spirit about the city he protects sound more like they'd fit more when being said by The Tick.
- The Critic reaching the breaking point after seeing The Octopus' cloned minion being merely just a head and a foot and then seeing Modern!Frank Miller somehow turned into a head and a foot.
- The Critic playing clips of Mike Cosgrove over Eustace Dolan.
- The usual opening title sequence is presented in Deadpool (that is, completely self-aware) fashion:
- The Channel Awesome logo is replaced with an image of a unicorn and reading "Channel Unicorn (Now that's a horny horse)".
- Doug is described in the credits as "A penis with a little hat on".
- Malcolm is described in the credits as "One of the guys from Kid n' Play".
- Tamara is described in the credits as "Rachel...or Tamara? I always forget which."
- Rob and Jim are described in the credits as "Leftover costumes with people inside."
- Doug and Rob for the Written By credit are described as "Man children."
- The Nostalgia Critic logo shows Deadpool replacing the "I" in "Critic".
- The Critic thinks that Chicken Little is "as upbeat as an animated series on The Good Son". As he says this, a shot of the poster for the movie appears, followed by a shot from the series Wish Kid.
- Critic remarks that 12-year-old Chicken Little being voiced by 30-year-old Zach Braff fits about as well as Ariel being voiced by Dr. Claw...then proceeds to play a clip of just that.Ariel: I'm ready to know what the people know.
- "OK, he rung a bell, not decapitated a student! Book burnings have more tolerance than this!"
- This:News Guy 1: Yeah, there's no story here.News Guy 2: Well, at least we can sell the video to Chickens Gone Wild!
- "Forget it, Buck, it's Chickentown...where they play Chickens Gone Wild—seriously, what was that?!"
- When Runt's mother mentions his Streisand collection, Critic tries to make the rest of the review just him speculating on what kind of animal Barbra Streisand is. (He guesses anteater.)
The Angry Birds Movie
- Critic's reaction to 2 pigs dressed as the Grady twins.Critic: People, that happened. We let it happen. We must never let it happen again.
- After calling some of the jokes "The worst pig puns ever written."Critic: Somebody needs to be punished, and with sharp things.
- To get the others in the right mindset, the Critic presents bowls of "Lucky Frosted Cocoa Trix", stating that it's part of a complete breakfast. After revealing that he'd had them poured for a full week to "open up the flavor"...Tamara: I had a big dinner.
Malcolm: And I'm vegetarian. I'm pretty sure that used to be alive.
- The Critic's dad, Barney, helps with the illusion, shooing out the "younger" kids and promising to prepare them waffles on the stove.Malcolm: Do we have a stove?
(The sound of an off-screen explosion occurs, followed by Barney screaming)
Critic: Figure out how that happened later. This is Fox Kids!
- Barney later appears to shake his head with Tamara and Malcolm when the Critic goes down a path of Fridge Logic, then again before the first commercial break to help the Critic reference Batman: The Animated Series.
- The Critic's dad, Barney, helps with the illusion, shooing out the "younger" kids and promising to prepare them waffles on the stove.
- First up is Bobby's World, described by Malcolm as "Calvin and Hobbes as if it was made by Ned Flanders".
- The Running Gag of Malcolm exclaiming "Finally, somebody gets it!" in response to some disturbing premises.
- First up, Tom & Jerry Kids, where it's the slapstick from the original, but inflicted upon children.Malcolm: (smiling) I have issues.
- Second, Beetlejuice for portraying Beetlejuice befriending the underage girl he intended to marry.Critic: Do I have to worry about you?
Malcolm: (Cheerily) You might.
- First up, Tom & Jerry Kids, where it's the slapstick from the original, but inflicted upon children.
- He segues from Tom & Jerry Kids with this.
- They're all confused by the Saturday Morning Cartoon version of Little Shop of Horrors, noting the obvious lack of budget and complimenting the layout artist for cobbling something together... until they see the girl who is smitten with a refrigerator.Seymour: Women.
Malcolm and Critic both give Tamara a confused Aside Glance
Tamara: Hey, my love of refrigerators has nothing to do with my gender! Now if you'll excuse me... (Cut to Tamara tearfully confessing her love to the break-room fridge)
Malcolm: Clearly Little Shop of Horrors was ahead of its time.
- When he gets to reviewing the third season of Tiny Toon Adventures, The Critic plays a clip from the Seinfeld episode, "The Contest", where Jerry watches Tiny Toons on Nickelodeon, and sings "Wheels on The Bus". When Tamara and Malcolm ask him why he did that, The Critic tells them that that clip always bothered him, because Tiny Toons aired on Fox Kids at the time (it didn't air on Nickelodeon until 1995), and the Tiny Toons never sang "Wheels on the Bus" on the show.
- This leads to Malcolm telling Critic "It's not your fault" until the latter breaks down into sobs.
- While reviewing Eek! The Cat, he calls Scooter and Bill prototypes of SpongeBob and Squidward, "though I think the sexual tension might be a little greater with them."
- The trio are nonplussed at the two Dog Detective shows - Dog City and Droopy, Master Detective - and the Critic admits to admiring just how many puns the former came up with. It finishes with this:
- When covering Where on Earth Is Carmen Sandiego?, Critic first corrects the others that it wasn't that one, and then brings up that the Framing Device was a teen playing the computer game who would always pick the Brother-Sister Team of Zack and Ivy.Malcolm: Oh god, tell me he didn't... ship them?
Critic: It's a kid who's always at his computer!
Malcolm: ...So probably.
- Heather sums up Monster Rancher by saying that it was "a bit bland and basically an overglorified commercial."
- When it was time to review Angela Anaconda:(everyone has horrified expressions)Heather: Did any of us actually watch this show?Everyone else: No!!!Heather: I can see why! [shuts TV]
The Evolution of The Purge Movies
- The Critic's way of owning up to his infamous Cowboy BeBop at His Computer moment in the review of the original Purge movie of having called the Polite Leader "Henry" when that was the boyfriend's name.Critic: He was so awesome I gave him a name! I called him Henry. Which was technically the boyfriend's name, but he was so pointless I gave his name to this guy!
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
- The Cold Open showing Sean Connery's (Rob) phone conversations with his agent, Sam (Malcolm) regarding the terrible projects he chose instead of more critically and financially successful movies throughout the 90's until his retirement after LXG:Sean Connery: Sham, Sham, I know you're bummed I took the Highlander II role.
Sam: Mr. Connery, you're one of the biggest stars in the world. You can make a few mistakes every once in a while. Your friend Michael Crichton already sent me a bounce-back script; it's called Jurassic Park. You're the guy who owns the park.
Sean: That sounds too shmall. I want a ridiculoush amount of money for it.
Sam: Well, Sean, if you're not willing to take a slightly smaller role, you may want to consider retiring.
Sean: Bullshite! I'm as shnappy as my leotard in Zardoz! If the people want giant lizards, I got a role for them: a giant flying one in Dragonheart.
Sam: I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.
Sean: Sham, Sham, you're a good boy and I don't like you, but you're a dumbass. Sign me up for Dragonheart! [Sam shrugs]
[a caption is shown: "Several Years Later...". Cut back to Sam in his office, looking displeased and holding a Dragonheart DVD]
Sean: Sham. Sham. That might not have been the best choice.
Sam: Oh, you know when you're...
Sean: Shut up. I have a role that's foolproof enough: The Avengers.
Sam: Eh, that's perfect. I hear Marvel has some major plans for movies...
Sean: Not that comic book crap! The 60s TV show no kid knows about!
Sam: I don't know, Sean. I got a script here called The Matrix. You play a mentor named Morpheus and it's supposed to be really cutting edge.
Sean: Morpheus. That's what I named my leotard in Zardoz!
Sam: Must you always reference that?
Sean: Yes. Pass on that May-ta-rix crap. [Sam throws his hands in disappointment] SHIGN ME UP FOR THE AVEN-
[a caption "Several Years Later..." is shown again. Sam is staring at The Avengers DVD]
Sean: Sham, Sham. Sham. Sham, Sham. Sham. Sham.
Sam: [sighing] Yes?
Sean: Avengers didn't work out.
Sam: I kind of figured.
Sean: But this one is a surefire hit! I'd bet my career on it! It's called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!
Sam: [puts the DVD away] Okay. Look, Sean, I'll level with you. [takes a binder] I have a script here for The Lord of the Rings, one of the most famous books ever written. They're filming three movies all at the same time, something never done before in cinema. And they're offering you the role of Gandalf. You'd have to be an idiot, nay, absolutely insane to turn down a surefire blockbuster series like this.
Sean: [beat] SHIGN ME UP FOR THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY-
[Sam puts his hands to his temples in frustration. After another "Several Years Later..." caption, Sam is shown with his head laying on the table while The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's Blu-ray stands close to the camera]
Sean: I think I should retire.
Sam: I think you're an idiot.
[cue the intro...before abruptly cutting back to Sam]
Sean: Did you keep the same haircut all these years?
- The Running Gag of the "OH-TO-MO-BEEL" being such a novel invention In-Universe that the word is first pronounced as if it were on Dora the Explorer.
- This bit:Sawyer: [crashes car into a building]
Critic: [half-jokingly] He'll be fine!
[Building explodes with Sawyer inside]
Critic: ...He'll be fine!
[Sawyer comes out unscathed]
Critic: Jesus Christ, he really is fine?! Give him a scratch at least, I was half-joking!
- "Oh, no. Not an S word."
Bartok the Magnificent
- He notes the small budget being reflected in the Thriving Ghost Town of Moscow - only about 40 peasants ever appear on-screen.
- Bartok's reaction upon seeing the two Heartwarming Orphans.Bartok: Oh boy, here comes trouble.
Critic: I like that Bartok, essentially a cute Don Bluth animation, knows he's not gonna be able to turn down a cute Don Bluth animation.
Little Girl: Please...?
Critic (imitating Bartok): Oh God how is she doing that? The eyes, they're getting more and more Don Bluth-y! Aaaahhh!!!! (The girl's eyes start to grow)
- The Critic saying that Bartok looks like the scientist from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! fused Pinky and the Brain together.
- Critic taking note of "the charming villain-turns-into-dragon number".Critic: I'd be laughing more if I wasn't certain that somebody somewhere is getting turned on by this. (cut to a clip of Ludmilla's chest expanding) You know you're out there! And you're weird!
Mission Impossible II
Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie
- The Critic compares having both Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic Sat AM airing the same year to having Batman: The Animated Series and the 60's Batman show on at the same time.
- After showing various odd fan works of Sonic, the Critic says that he's seen stranger things online. He then gets a message on his phone not to Google Kaa from The Jungle Book. The Critic questions why, and is horrified by what he sees.
- When the Critic tells the viewers that there's a Sonic movie, he tells them that he's not talking about the 2019 movie or the 18-minute-long 2013 fan film by Blue Core Studios, and says that the Forest G.U.N. Soldier was very good in the latter film.
- The Critic's OC: Nasonic Critic.
- When the Sega logo is shown, the Critic questions why the singers don't say, "Sega!", or in the modern day and age, "Son of a bitch!" (as Mario and Sonic are shown alongside the Nintendo Switch logo).
- During the first minute of the movie, the Critic calls Sonic "A furry version of the Mega Man franchise", due to both franchises having a small blue hero (Sonic and Mega Man), an evil scientist with a mustache (Dr. Robotnik and Dr. Wily), robotic enemies (The Badniks and the Robot Masters), a sidekick (Tails and Rush), a girl (Amy and Roll), and many sequels that people hate.
- The Critic's Looney Tunes-esque character introductions. He introduces Sonic as "Franchisicus Clumsicus" and Tails as "Dumbassas Indistressas".
- The Critic calling Dr. Robotnik "A drunk Teddy Roosevelt", followed by this exchange:Critic!!Dr. Robotnik: Hi, everybody!
Critic!!Sonic and Tails: Hi, Robotnik!
- The Critic calling Knuckles "Knuckledile Dundee" in Knuckles' first scene in the movie.
- The Critic questioning why Dr. Robotnik incorporated his face into the Robotropolis Generator, followed by this exchange;Critic!!Dr. Robotnik: I want my face on that machine!
Critic!!Worker: Well, we can paint it on, and...
Critic!!Dr. Robotnik: No, my mustache has to be the gears and my eyes, the measuring rods!
Critic!!Worker: But that compromises the efficiency; a blue hedgehog could easily destroy it!
Critic!!Dr. Robotnik: Evil must look beautiful!
Critic!!Worker: Okay, you're the face of the company.
Critic!!Dr. Robotnik: And the company's my face!
- This line after Critic claims Metal Sonic looks like an Evangelion Marvin the Martian:Critic!!Metal Sonic: [YOUR PLANET'S BLOCKING OF VENUS RESULTS IN TERMINATION. ISN'T THAT LOVELY, HMMM?]
- This line from the Critic after Metal Sonic dresses Old Man Owl in Sonic's favorite clothes;
- This exchange during the scene where Dr. Robotnik shoots Tails down;Dr. Robotnik: You're a perfect target for me now, fox!
Falco Lombardi: Enemy fighters comin' at you, Fox!
- As a Call-Back to a joke used earlier in the video, the Critic questions why even the smoke debris has Dr. Robotnik's face when the hare missile destroys the Tornado.
- Critic playing the "Sonic Sez" segment about sexual harassment after Tails was being inappropriate with Sara.
- Before that, behold Critic's face when he sees Tails get a handful of boob.
- The Framing Device for the review is him playing the original Doom with Devil Boner and Bennie, only for Hyper Fangirl to come in with Doom: The Movie: The Game, figuring that, with a movie that bad, how could the game be worse?Critic: Did you ever play Street Fighter: The Movie The Game?
- Irritated by how bad the movie and the game based on the movie are, Devil Boner, Hyper Fangirl and Bennie decide to go after everything related to the movie with guns. They end up mistaking everything remotely moving for ennemies, including a bookstore, a random drugged guy carving crosses into his arm (which they treat as perfectly normal once the mistake is cleared), air, and the Cameraman.
- The way Critic pronounces "UAC". He points out that it sounds like the noise Billy makes whenever he dies. Cue Billy's death noise and him losing a life.
- After the team travels to Mars, the Critic makes fun of the Recycled Set.Critic: Ooh, ooh, let me show you my rocket ship! (Smash Cut to the Critic sitting in a box labeled "Rocket Ship" in the prop warehouse) I'm in spaaace!
- The many times rock music plays whenever the characters start running, but not when there's any fighting.
Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- The video cold-opens with a sketch that spoofs The Joy of Painting, where Bob Ross, played by Doug, paints the characters for Ghostbusters II, to make it more family-friendly, as it involves a baby, who was put in to appease the parents who were unhappy with the first movie's smoking and swearing. Through it all, Ross keeps saying "happy little..." to describe everything he says. When he finishes, he realizes he did a subpar job and confesses to it...Ross: I feel like I didn't give you what you deserve. It's just, the original was so good, and I just want it to be as good as that, and while doing so, I just gave you the exact same thing.
- So he decides to do the painting over again, and this time, he plans to free his imagination and give viewers the followup to Ghostbusters everyone deserves.Ross: Or I'll just make them all women, that's easier.
- So he decides to do the painting over again, and this time, he plans to free his imagination and give viewers the followup to Ghostbusters everyone deserves.
- Addressing how for people supporting the 2016 film the world had become a social justice utopia and for people against the 2016 film it was The End of the World as We Know It, only to learn that people have moved on to real problems and he rallies his team, who thanks to the controversy became Shell-Shocked Veterans.
- The Critic comparing the scene with Dana and Janosz raising Vigo to an '80s sitcom. Made even funnier when it was the review's ending.
- The return of "FIRST MOVIE!" from the A Christmas Story 2 review.
- Critic lampshades that while in the movie, the Ghostbusters get booed at a birthday party appearance and the kids kept asking for He-Man instead while in real life, during the movie's release, He-Man toy sales tanked so badly thanks to their cinematic flop two years ago that they had to reboot the franchise while Ghostbusters toys and the animated series, ''The Real Ghostbusters'' were all the rage.
Old vs. New: Teen Titans (2003) vs. Teen Titans Go (2013)
Freddy Got Fingered
- The intro has Critic go full Anton Chigurh, complete with Guttural Growler in a Creepy Monotone.
- The entire scene at Fam Video. "We don't know how we're still around either."
- One of the things seen in the store is a stand of Pennywise saying, "They All Float When You Don't REWIND!"
- The censor bars having humorous captions on them.
- The Institute for Sexually Molested Children scene is so utterly reprehensible and tasteless that it teleports Critic for a few seconds to a "very, VERY bad place." He adds upon his return that it was so horrifying, he wants to go back just to study it.
Big Fat Liar
- He highlights the scene in which the bully taunts Jason simply because the comeback and response are genuinely perfect bits of dialogue.
- He admires the movie for the movie's willingness to recognize just how assholish children can be.
- It's prompted by Amanda Bynes and Frankie Muniz convincing a receptionist that she'd parked on a dog, complete with Frankie whimpering into an empty can to simulate the noise.
- And mentioned again when Paul Giamatti is mistaken for a clown at a birthday party.Birthday Boy: It's the clown! Let's hurt him! [launches a flying tackle at Wolf]
Critic: Again, embracing asshole-children.
- Bart Simpson giving the Critic a prank call.
- The Critic's reaction to Wolf playing with his toy chimpanzee and making monkey noises?
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
- The Unexplained Recovery of Rob, whom the Critic claimed to have Killed Off for Real in the Freddy Got Fingered review. Rob in this case has two very conspicuous Band-Aids on his forehead from where the Critic had shot him.
- The Adequately Impressive Three are hung over from a bar hopping bender which they had been planning for a long time, and not even their superhero duties would get in their way. The Critic and Malcolm are slumped together on the couch, but Tamara is conspicuously missing, and Rob demands to know what happened to her:Malcolm: We told her about our bender, but she said she had too much dignity and self-respect to indulge in our childish behavior.
Rob: Well, at least somebody had some sense.
Critic: Nah, just kidding. She got blitzed on moonshine. I don't remember where we left her.
(It is revealed that Tamara is passed out drunk in the hole of the giant donut-shaped sign of Randy's Donuts)
Nick Fury: I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the donut!
- Rob yells at the Critic and Malcolm that the world is on fire, but in their drunken state, how do they respond? By singing "All-Star":Rob: THE WORLD'S ON FIRE!
Critic: (singing) How about yours?
(Malcolm joins in)
Critic and Malcolm: (singing) That's the way I like it, and I never get bored!
(They both laugh, then clutch their heads, groaning in pain)
- "Let's take a look at Fantastic Four: Rise of the Middle Finger— I mean, Silver Surfer."
- The Critic's depiction of Galactus in this movie.Critic: A giant space anus that looks like it shat out The Langoliers.
- The Critic would like to remind you that the Fantastic Four are a bunch of dicks, jackasses and jerks.General Hager: What the hell is wrong with you people?
- This line is repeated several times, getting cut-off more and more each time.
- Critic points out how, no matter the situation, Susan Storm still has that zit covered!
Grading Cartoon Show Intros
- His complete Deadpan Snarker in the beginning.Critic: I expect to see it on my desk by the next day.The Next DayCritic: It is now the next day, I sit very still.
- Questioning how the She-ra and He-man stereotypes work.note
- He also can't help but conflate the announcer's voice with Zoidberg.He-Man: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend, Jesus.
- He also can't help but conflate the announcer's voice with Zoidberg.
- He commends the opening narrator of Count Duckula for taking it so seriously, stating that the guy sounds like he's been eagerly anticipating the opportunity to relate the tale.Critic: I don't think Castlevania (2017) took itself this seriously!
- With the end credits, he decides to insert other unrelated clips into where the show itself had... then finds it so fun, he goes for another couple rounds, encouraging viewers to join the fun.
- The Critic's response to the concept of a Dungeons and Dragons ride.
- Nostalgiaween kicks off with a parody of the second season opening to Beetlejuice.
- He's so eager to review this stinker that his giddiness is being restrained by Tamara and Malcolm... before it explodes, covering them in Ludicrous Gibs.Tamara: Can't you write one year where we're not covered in blood?!
Critic: If I did, I know I'd be doing something wrong. This is Sleepwalkers!
[Giddiness pops back into view and explodes again]
Tamara: Is it Christmas yet?
Malcolm: Why? He's just gonna cover us in more blood.
- Later in the review, we get this line.Critic: Oh, King, I like your work when it's good... but I friggin' love it when it's bad!
- Later in the review, we get this line.
- Malcolm and Tamara being squicked out by Charles and Mary having an incestuous relationship. Though Malcolm tries arguing that if they were siblings instead...
- Critic suffering the Michigan J. Frog effect when Malcolm and Tamara walk out during the exciting scenes and only return at the boring scenes. Lampshaded by the Critic when, after the first instance, it cuts to another mother-son sex scene, and he quickly does the same dance to the same score as the original.
- After seeing Mary kill a cop with an ear of corn, The Critic still remains perplexed on why Stephen King tries to make corn scary and we cut to a certain Enfant Terrible.Critic: That's right! Once again Stephen King tries to make a scary spectacle out of...
Critic!Isaac: CORN! *images of corn fly by* That's quite....mmmmmmm....tasty...
- After Anna, whose sole bit of personality is bringing up at one point she wants to see the sea, dies, the others give her a burial at sea, with Frankenstein rowing the boat.Critic!Van Helsing: You know, Anna always wanted to see the sea. We never did anything with that... so you're gonna live in the sea now!
Critic!Frankenstein: I don't follow tha-
Critic!Van Helsing: Ship ahoy, Frankie. *pushes, splash sound effect*
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
- The Critic notes that Jessie just stands there watching her boyfriend and his friends beat Rick up.Critic!Jessie: Well, he said "let's go". I'm powerless to thwart his logic.
- When the Alien and the Predator starts doing exactly what they already did in all their previous movies - fighting in a dark, small areas - Critic declares there is only so much ground-breaking he can stand... in that he wants them to literally break the ground and get on the surface so we can finally see them fight on the surface. Then they end up doing just that, and he quickly realizes this wasn't such a good idea, as there's something goofy about seeing these creatures fighting in a normal urban setting, especially when he sees an Alien enter by the door.
- The Critic criticises the movie's use of creepy music over moments that aren't actually creepy and says he might as well put scary music over his own talking. He demonstrates.Critic: I mean, think about it... [drowned out by music for a few seconds] ...and when she came to, she was a poodle! But you all knew that.
- When one of the characters actually says with a straight face that the government doesn't lie to people, the Critic declares this line so dumb it didn't need a punchline.
- The Alien and the Predator meet each other in a store, only for Critic to get frustrated about them spending several minutes staring and snarling at each others instead of actually fighting, only to then have the fight take place offscreen.Critic: DO SOMETHING! [the movie cuts to outside where the Alien is being thrown through the glass] ...ONSCREEN!
The Powerpuff Girls Movie
- Critic calling the show the movie is based on "A mix between Ren and Stimpy and anime".
- This line from Critic:"Being the first theatrical release from Cartoon Network, this superhero beat-em-up got an astounding okay response from critics, and received an amazingly adequate box office, and the response from viewers was a phenomenal... 'cool'."
- Critic comparing pre-mutated Mojo Jojo's tantrum in the opening credit to the fans' reactions when watching the 2016 reboot.
- Critic describing Mitch Mitchelson as "Popeye if his testicles dropped at an early age".
- Critic comparing the movie's nine-minute long tag sequence to one of the fight scenes from The Matrix Reloaded.
- This exchange:Mojo Jojo: I dare not listen, for I have been lashed by harsh tongues for too long.
Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen: That's disgusting!
- During the scene where Mojo Jojo's minions rebel against him and they're shown to have absurd motifs:Critic: I don't remember getting high, but... I'm clearly high.
- Upon seeing the scene where the Talking Dog talks, Critic plays the scene from "Brian in Love" where Peter says, "Oh my God...You can talk!".
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
- The video starts out with a recreation of the cloning discussion scene of Jurassic Park, with the Critic playing the role of Ian Malcolm in the scene. Malcolm eventually breaks characters to express his annoyance with this choice for the role, as his own name is Malcolm and he feels that would make him more suited.
- The Critic's portrayal of the T-Rex as a Prima Donna constantly trying to take selfies of herself roaring for Facebook. Also, him pointing out her Villain Decay, as she went from almost outrunning a jeep in the first movie to not being able to catch up with Homer Simpson's voice actor in this one.
- When the villain mentions in the movie that Blue might be the second most intelligent life form on the planet, Critic has him suggest they obviously should have let her write the screenplay.
- "WE'RE NOT PLAYING THIS GODDAMN MUSIC AGAAAAAAAAIN!"
- When the movie predictably uses the Brachiosaurus as the whimsically beautiful dinosaur, the Critic comments how it's weird that a dinosaur movie use very few kinds of dinosaurs.
- When the dinosaur vetenarian insists she isn't soft and can handle herself, the Critic casually asks how long it takes to get kidnapped after this line. The answer turns out to be four minutes.Critic: Fight the good fight, Wonder Woman!
- After seeing the infamous scene of the Indoraptor actually smiling at the camera, the Critic officially declares this has become a cartoon, then proceeds to dub the Indoraptor with Goofy's voice.
- The scene after the big twist, theres a picture of M. night Shyamalan and he says Ummm... Yeah that was pretty stupid.
- The nerd character becomes so irritating in his cowardice that even Scooby-Doo and Shaggy call him a pussy.
- The Critic pointing out that, for all the hype around the Indoraptor as the ultimate killing machine, she's actually incredibly dumb and inefficient while stalking the protagonists, managing despite her accute senses to miss that they are hidden right in front of her, leaving behind the already wounded and trapped Owen and Claire to go after the much smaller little girl running away, and, when finally catching up with the girl, slowly moving closer to her instead of just running to her.Critic: Whoever won this thing is gonna have some serious buyer's remorse!
- Then when the cloned little girl, who so far displayed unrealistic intelligence and skills, suddenly decides the best way to escape this terrifying predator is to hide under the sheet, he starts wondering if there's just a bug causing this setting's clones to randomly grab the Idiot Ball.
- When it turns out the doors can only be opened for some reason with a cartoony Big Red Button, and there apparently isn't a separate button to close them:Critic: WHO DESIGNED THIS THING?!
A Wrinkle In Time (2018)
- "One gone dad later..."
- The Critic's reactions towards the faces Calvin makes.
- The Critic's exasperation towards Mrs. Who, whose quirk is that she Speaks in Shout-Outs.
- Oprah Winfrey Centaur, it must be seen to be believed. Oprah God is pretty fun too.
- The Critic pointing out how Disney made the phrase "Shut up, Meg." funnier than Fox did on Family Guy.
- "I wanna bundle you up in a toy and call you My Little Hitler:"
Escape from the Commercials
- The Critic scared out of his mind by Chubbles and Chiggles a.k.a. "Fluffy versions of the Butt Judge from The Wall", creeped out by the sponge-monkeys from the Quiznos commercial, and squicked in disgust from the Love's Baby Soft commercial from the '70s. As that last one is the last one featured in the video, the Critic has this to say...Critic: If there's anything I want to leave you with before I take off here, it's that... Commercials can be creepy, commercials can be scary, commercials can made by very disturbed people...
(He stops, realizing he has nothing else to say, and just leaves, but then interrupts the closing credits to add something else...)
Critic: Why do these always end so dark?!?
- The whole scene with the Pokémon toy commercial:
- The death of Rufio recreated with Playmobil figures.
- This.Singer: ♫ Murray moves you! ♫Critic: (repeating every sentence in the same tone) Did you see him in Lost in Translation? He was really good. He totally should have won that Oscar. I mean, look at him losing it. He looks so bummed out. You know Sean Penn's gonna get another one anyway. This was Murray's big chance. What a bunch of pretentious assholes. I blame politics.
- Adonis Knight (previously KJ)'s utterly insane impression of Mr. T rambling while arguing with the director over a commercial.Mr. T: So eat Mr. T cereal. It's cool.Director: Um, that's great, but there's a lot more script to read.Mr. T: What!? I don't say anything unless I get paid by the syllable. You think I can't see into the future!? Look at this cartoon! You should call it Mr. T and the Twits! And I don't have long till this shit gets soggy like my nasty-ass cereal! My popularity's gonna expire. I gotta store nuts for the winter.Director: Can't you just say "stay in school" or something?Mr. T: Oh! You mean like "stay in school so you won't have to do commercials for nasty cereal that tastes like crusted rabbit shit"!? I pity the spoon! "Stay in school! Unless you wanna live in a bus with a bunch of kids in spandex tights!" That's creepy. People should ask more questions! Look at this girl. She's swinging with her vagina! How can she do that? That's the devil's work. I know this shit can't last long. You want me to say more? Pay me.Director: It's alright. I think we got all that we need.Mr. T: Is that camera on?Director: Yup.Mr. T: You motherf- You pay me! You pay me, goddammit! You don't get PSAs for free! You better give me a cameo in Creed III!
- Highlights from the Energizer Bunny commercials:
- The Bunny sneaking up on the Critic when he's on the toilet.
- When the Critic gets to the commercial featuring Darth Vader, he questions why Emperor Palpatine is trying to get the Energizer Bunny's battery, and gives us this exchange;
- From the same commercial, Critic dubbing Vader's Big "NO!" from Revenge of the Sith over the scream when the batteries in his lightsaber run out.
- The ad for the home video release of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier shows people running up to a video store counter and asking for this movie. The Critic, given his own review of that movie and how poorly it turned out, can't understand why they would want to see it."You do know it's Star Trek V, right? Five?? Star Trek V?? They physically go looking for God??"
- He is particularly stumped by one woman with a baby, who is relieved when the dealer gives her a copy."Oh, trust me, lady. I know, I have five babies at home. Star Trek V is perfect for them. It puts them right to sleep."
- Then Scotty, played, as in the original series, by James Doohan, teleports into the store and asks for a copy of Star Trek V as well."Wow, Shatner was such a cheap-ass director, he didn't even get you a copy?"
- After he gets his copy, Scotty advises people to tell their dealer to give them a copy as well. The Critic is even more dumbfounded at this:"Why the hell do you have to tell your dealer? It's clearly the biggest hit in the world, according to everybody! [...] They [Star Trek V and Barb Wire] didn't do shit in the box office, but apparently, they're the voice of a generation."
- He is particularly stumped by one woman with a baby, who is relieved when the dealer gives her a copy.
A Christmas Story Live
- The first line the Critic throws referring to this movie?Critic: In America's need to destroy this movie, A Christmas Story Live does its best to turn that small-town innocent family classic with a hint of an edge into a tacky singing Hallmark card covered in falling glitter with an unfunny joke inside. But where a card only gives you a second of annoyance, this one delivers 2 hours and 15 minutes of cyanide fruitcake! [...] It's the kind of special that rips out what was charming and fresh from the original and replaces it with what Google Translate would interpret as charming and fresh. It's a miserable experience from beginning to end, so let's look it over from beginning to end.
- The Critic's fear of Ralphie's face.
- He interprets the Bebe Rexha music video at the start of the special as being so out of place that he initially thinks he's watching Old Navy Presents: A Camp Rock Christmas.Critic: What's that? Ah. The fictional person I'm pretending is off-camera to make this joke work is telling this is, in fact, A Christmas Story. [beat] Don't know how I didn't recognize that! I mean, Christ, literally the first scene is 100% wrong. It took effort to be this wrong! It's like starting off a Christmas classic everybody knows like this!
- "There's nothing wrong with your monitor, by the way. The aspect ratio keeps changing. I'm assuming this is whenever there's a fantasy Ralphie is having... (Cut back to the opening music number with Bebe Rexha and the dancers in bunny costumes) ...which means there must have been some confusing thoughts he was going through when these women came out in his PJs.
- Ralphie tries to implore Ms. Shields to sympathize with his plight, with the expectation she'll phone his mother and implore her to get him the Red Ryder gun. Critic points out how non-cryptic that is.Critic!!Ralphie: Those assholes that own me that drug money will pay! Nobody messes with Gangster Ralphie! (deeper impression) Nobody!
- "You know, singing your crime doesn't make me hear it any less. You all have detention!"
The Search for Santa Paws
- Every time something incredibly depressing is shown, the Critic starts singing "Santa Paws, Santa Paws" to the tune of Jingle Bells.
Critic: ...SANTA PAWS! SANTA PAWS- IDONTKNOWWHERETOYSSOULSGOWHENTHEYBURN!
- The last time he does this is when Paws is turned back into a stuffed animal and thrown into the furnace.
- The comparison of the girls' musical number and a Disney Princess commercial.
The Most HATED Nutcracker Movie Ever Made
- The opening scene.
- Rachel's remake of Home Alone being made with a Satanist and a skinhead as the robbers.
- And then she adds Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, and Charles Manson to the cast.
- John Wayne Gacy wearing a cowboy hat and saying "pilgrim".
- Later on, it's revealed that Kevin's relatives in this version include Ted Bundy, Lizzie Borden, and "the killer Charlize Theron played in Monster". Cue a Face Palm from the Critic.
- And then she adds Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, and Charles Manson to the cast.
- The uncle calls the nutcracker "NC"Critic: What dumb initials.
- The Critic pointing out that the Rat King's collection of photos of crying children are pictures of the audience.
- The claim that Nick Jr. is making an upcoming special entitled "Nutsy Nazis" and that it will have a Crossover with Peppa Pig.
- Rachel frequently pointing out that the Critic hasn't said the "f"-word this whole year.Malcolm: Are you gonna keep that up?
Critic: Fuck no! But it's good to know I don't need to rely on it.
- The Critic's "it'll do" attitude to the new studio space.
- The Critic's reaction to just how far deep the rabbit hole that is "Rat Nazis" can go.Monkey: The sun is blocked out by smoke from burning toys. You do know the rats burn toys...Critic: Wait, like inanimate toys or living toys like the ones we've been seeing?Nutcracker: (from an earlier scene) All dolls are alive!Critic: Okay, I guess that's supposed to mean they're all alive... (he stops, realizes what this means, and stares at the camera wide-eyed) You're not.
Elf Bowling the Movie
- Critic talking about why "Fucking Elf Bowling" wouldn't be rated higher than PG. The one that's literally named "Fucking Elf Bowling."
- Critic adding "barnacle butts" into his dictionary of obscurely confusing insults, right above "I was frozen today!".
- "If I pretend this isn't needles in my ballsack, will you end faster?" "Just for that, another verse!"
- "Eh, too bad those pins can't talk and say "What happened?"...wait. Those pins should talk and say "What happened?""
- "Hey, look boss, I can do your mom." note "You know exactly what you said."
- "Might I also add OOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!"
- "We're just Packers fans!" (cue gunfire as Critic screams)
- "Please don't use the phrase "beat me Dingle" again."
- Critic's confusion over Strudel's accent.
- Also, his confusion over why the elves are cringing at Santa singing.
- Judge Frollo's cameo appearance. Which ends really quickly.
- When Dingle starts singing about slavery:Dingle: Slavery makes the world go round...Critic: I'm immediately uncomfortable with this one so I'm just skipping it. (proceeds to do just that)
- This line when the bowling ball is...transformed into a bomb by the penguins. No, really.Critic: Well, the elves are dead, so I think that counts as a strike.
- Santa Christ talking during the credits about how the Critic almost had a December without him.