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That's all folks from Nicolas Cage
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- The intro to this special: The Critic accidentally deletes Rachel's (incredibly intricate) farewell video, and ends up begging her to fly back from California to redo it. She doesn't yield, resulting in a Gilligan Cut to her framing device.
- The new theme song (which was used for the rest of the month as well) replaces every face with Nicolas Cage's. Not just NC, EVERY FACE.
- The Ham meter, which goes from Straight to Exaggerated ("SPARERIBS AND HOT DOGS!") once Nicolas Cage and John Travolta switch roles so that Cage is playing Sean Archer and Travolta is playing Castor Troy.
- In fact, once Travolta becomes Castor Troy, Critic realizes "overactor John Travolta now has to overact like overactor Nicolas Cage." He's so giddy at this prospect he has to stop the review just to savor the moment.
- The Critic decides that Castor Troy is a terrible shot because he doesn't take another shot at Sean Archer while he was on the ground grieving over his son (even though one can argue that Castor may not have fired a second shot because he was shocked that he'd shot an innocent child, or there were too many bystanders rushing to Archer's aid and this kept him from getting a clear shot).
- Two words: Purple Dots, making fun of the criminal system of Erehwon prison by having the cops going Serious Business on the whole deal.
- When the Critic mentions how everything always seems so whimsical and happy in flashbacks, like the one of Archer riding a carousel when his son gets shot by Castor Troy, he compares it to he and Malcolm sharing sour patch kids. In real life, it's not very exciting, but then they cut to "Flashback Land", where Critic and Malcolm are whimsically throwing sour patch kids at each other with huge smiles on their faces. Then Malcolm gets shot by a giant green gummy bear, prompting an anguished scream from the Critic: GUMMMMY BEAAAARS!!!
- The Running Gag concerning doves not showing up for Archer's son's death, the hangar shootout, the prison break, or the loft apartment shootout. When the doves do show up for the final showdown, he suggests to set them on fire.
- The "Demented Looney Tunes" segments framing such things as Castor shrugging after executing Agent Winters in front of Archer (a still of which is used in the other two reviews of the month), or groping the choir girl.
- Regarding Travolta as Castor Troy making a gesture copying a figure of a crucified Jesus: "Was that to signify that Travolta is Jesus? I mean, I know he believes that, but it's still kinda confusing for us."
- The end of the song, in Nick Cage Deadpan: "Despite all my rage, I'm still... Nicolas Cage."
- Critic speculates that Eve Archer knows something is up because Castor behaves much differently from Sean, but just enjoys her footrubs too much to say anything about it.
- When a helicopter joins in the chase of Castor's plane at the beginning:
- The Critic contemplating starting a petition to always have Cage enter a scene to the sound of Handel's Hallelujah chorus after seeing Castor Troy's dirty priest moment.
- And then adding the song to every single entrance Cage makes for the rest of the film. And for the next two reviews.
The Wicker Man
- Tamara's introduction is both this and creepy as hell. As the first comment on the video says:
Critic: I find you socially awkward, due to your disturbing silence.
- The theme song narrator is Nicolas Cage pretending to be a narrator... who sounds like Nicolas Cage.
- The Critic's constant snickering over the over-the-top parts that are supposed to be scary but end up awkward and goofy.
- Especially Cage's hallucinations involving a little girl being run over by a moving vehicle which oddly enough, is perfectly on par with an example The Critic gave years ago while reviewing Quest for Camelot.
Oh, come on, Dr. Smith
, you're about as subtle as a fucking train-wreck... On a boat.
- The Critic bringing up that the treatment of men on the island is actually... not as bad as the film-maker's trying to make it out to be.
You mean that men are like... what? Second class citizens? Sister Summerisle:
Oh no, not at all! We love our men. We're just not subservient to them. Men are a very important part of our little colony. Breeding, you know. Critic:
My god, this island is terrible
. All the men do around here is mate, and stay at home, and mate, and not have to talk to anybody, and mate
, and— can I vacation here?
- "I'm only interested in the law." "LAAAWWWWW!!!"
- All of the Critic's bear jokes regarding the infamous bear scene in the movie. Every. Single. One.
- Tamara's face paint representing a Tic Tac Toe board, and Malcolm wearing a bee costume while torturing the Critic (by parodying the Knee Capping scene by smacking the Critic's crotch, making the Critic increasingly high-pitched the more he gets hit there) in order for him to talk about the Bee Torture scene, as well as the Critic's take on the infamous line.
Critic: Not the memes! Not the memes!
- The final scene in the bar, where Spoony and The Cinema Snob are approached by Tamara to do another Wicker Man review (in a parody of The Stinger from Cage's Wicker Man film), only to be saved by the Critic (to which Spoony calls him a 'Nostalgia Cockblocker'), who despite sounding like he's going to kill her, invites her to take Rachel's old spot in the show (the reason being his views go up whenever he's in pain). Then he gets hit by a truck.
- The return of the Cage-centric running gags, specifically the Messiah chorus and Demented Looney Tunes.
- The Critic snickering at Sister Beech's name.
- Culminating in this remark:
And yes, it looks like Cage has finally had enough of this goddamn motherfucking island. Time to punch a Beech
in the mouth.
- Critic dubbing in "No more bullets" during the scene revealing Willow took out Edward's bullets so he couldn't defend himself.
- Critic dubbing in "Utinni!" when comparing a character to a Jawa.
- The audience's reaction to director Neil LaBute's first movie which is about two men who try to woo and emotionally destroy a deaf co-worker, used to highlight how LaBute's very off-putting Signature Style only made the movie that much crazier.
- "... I've heard of worse ways to try and get Nicholas Cage into the Avengers."
- When Johnny pulls a Dreamworks eyebrow raise after telling Roxanne about his Deal with the Devil: "Most women would kick you in the rocks for saying something so stupid, but you throw in an eyebrow like that and you go from Ghost Rider to Flynn Rider."
- The triumphant return of the flaming doves from the Face/Off review.
- After the revelation that the villain's name is Blackheart, the Critic is convinced that the movie originally was a Saturday morning cartoon like Care Bears or My Little Pony. Later on, he demonstrates this with an animation of Fluttershy...and Ghost Rider Pony.
- Are you tired of cleaning the house with those oily rags that just seem to move the dirt around? Then try the SamWow (a ShamWow towel cut into the shape of a mustache), the one and only towel endorsed by Sam Elliott! The instructions are very simple. Cut to Sam (played by Doug) giving an ordinary housewife the instructions in his signature mumble. After he's finished mumbling, the woman says "Okay then!" and starts scrubbing the floor while wearing latex gloves.
And, just as Sam mentioned, SamWow works on any surface... except for latex. Which would cause a burning reaction if it came in contact with human skin. [The woman takes off her gloves, showing her palms have started burning] Woman:
Oh, my God!! Help me, what do I do!?! Doug Sam:
Alright... [Sam does directional motions and mumbles even more incoherently than before. He starts handing her a banana, a football, and an Alf doll as he mumbles] Woman:
Just speak English, you geriatric Yosemite Sam
! Doug Sam: (grabs her by the shoulders)
Donchuthreatenme, you sunnoffabitch! Woman:
Just help me! Just help me! [he then pulls a revolver and shoots her; then he turns to the camera] Doug Sam:
Joo didn't see anything, didchu, Mr. Cameraman? [The cameraman shakes his head]
Well, best not take any chances. [Sam proceeds to shoot the camera] Announcer:
SamWow. Because someone needs to soak up all that blood! And remember. [Sam Elliott pops up in the corner] Doug Sam: [mumbles some more]
Say, friend, you got any more of that good sarsaparilla? [drops a coin in the Big Lebowski jar as the commercial ends]
- "Thus the credits burn through the screen to reveal... [motorcycle revving is heard as it zooms through a hellish highway] Bowser's Castle on level 4 of Mario Kart."
Critic (as Mario): Here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, ha ha! [reading the credit that popped up] Look out for the "In Association with Relativity Media!" Whoa!
- The 'Big Lebowski' Jar and then the Dark Heart' jar.
- The latter is immediately preceded by mocking Blackheart Legion's Voice of the Legion:
Blackheart Legion: My name is Leeeeeeeeeeegion, for we are...manyyyyyyyyyy!
Critic (as Legion): And seeing how we are many, we all took a vote to see if we should talk normally, or STRETCH OUT OUR VOWEEEEEEEELS! [beat] LIKE DAAARK HEAAAAAART!
- The way Doug moves his arms when he says that part makes it even funnier.
- The Critic wondering if the scene where Johnny Blaze is eating jelly beans and laughing at monkey kung fu videos was put in at the actor's insistence, and wondering what else he tried to get in the movie.
- For the third straight review, the Hallelujah chorus plays when Nicolas Cage appears for the first time and demented Looney Tunes gags.
- The theme song narrator being told that he's not being paid for his work followed by him laughing then apparently trashing the sound booth.
- Ghost Rider singing "You Turn Me On". That is all.
- "Ashes to asses, dust to fuck! You shouldn't've hit me with that goddamn truck!"
- Before that, the Critic wonders if semi trucks are Nicolas Cage's arch-enemies, and notes that maybe Optimus Prime just likes punking with celebrities.
Optimus Prime: Come on, Autobots. Let's scare the shit out of Whoopi Goldberg next.
- The subtitles for the conversation between Johnny and the Caretaker. It reads like the English transcription for a YouTube video.
- The Critic trying to get the viewers to jump at Blackheart's face.
- When Ghost Rider uses the Penance Stare on a random thug in the street...
- Mephistopheles tells young Johnny Blaze that, to save his father from terminal cancer, he hand over his soul:
- "GET OVER HERE!"
- When Johnny is teased for being a monkey in a cage by one of the jail inmates?
- When the Rider passes a lizard and sets it on fire:
Critic: I'll...just assume he was an evil iguana.
- "I'm starting to see why Stan Lee didn't cameo in this piece of shit."
Top 11 Strangest (Yet Best) Couples
- Critic discovering LittleKuriboh is the one in bed with him at the very beginning, instead of Monica Rial like he was expecting.
- The Critic starts by telling us that he's a ghost, because he killed himself last week after watching Ghost Dad. We cut to a scene where he douses himself with gasoline, then flicks a cigarette lighter while Bill Cosby does his famous mumbling.
Critic: You would've done the same. But if there's anything this movie has taught me, it's that death is no reason to stop working! Just keep going on with your everyday life and comedic possibilities will fall in your lap!
- The Critic forces Malcolm to wear a Gandalf costume while doing jumping jacks and saying the dialogue to The Big Lebowski backwards (for instance, "?Sarsaparilla good that of more any got you friend say"), and Tamara having to wear a sexy Dorothy costume with a Mexican sombrero so that he doesn't disappear into nothing.
Tamara: And why do I have to be dressed as sexy Dorothy while wearing a sombrero? Why is there even a sexy Dorothy costume? Who the fuck is turned on by sexy Dorothy?
Critic: I didn't make up the nonsensical rules of the afterlife. I just know that if you two stop doing that, I'll disappear, the review will be over, and both of you will be out of a job. Got it?
Tamara: Ugh! This is a bunch of bullshit.
Critic: Ah buh buh. In your Dorothy voice.
Tamara: (Sigh, then using a Dorothy impression) Golly gee, Mr. Critic. This sure is a lot of bullshit.
Critic: It's but a small price to pay to be in the land of the living. Now away with you, the dead grieve at your presence.
Tamara: I thought I'd like him better dead.
Critic: Dorothy Voice.
Tamara: (using the impression again) I thought I'd like him better dead!
- Throughout this exchange, Malcolm is still doing jumping jacks in the Gandalf outfit while reciting Big Lebowski backwards.
- It comes back later, only Malcolm and Tamara are dressed as Sam & Max, and it gets even more nonsensical due to Tamara having to shift between Dorothy's voice, Max's voice, and the voice of a 1920s paperboy shouting headlines, depending on who she's talking to.
- Cosby's daughter is excited to be getting to drive the family car 'Grumpy'. The Critic notes, "Wow, that must be quite the car that she's excited about. Quite the incredible, awesome, [the car is revealed to be an old stationwagon] piece of shit-Clark Griswaldmobile you've ever seen in your life. Hey, next week maybe he'll let you cruise around in that hot rodding minivan! You know, the one with two entire horsepowers in it!"
- Elliot Hopper gets into a taxicab driven by a very reckless driver. Upon seeing that the driver looks like Old Man Marley, he thinks, "Hey, shouldn't you be saltin' sidewalks across from the McCallisters' house?"
- The Reveal at the end where Nostalgia Critic explains that he's not a ghost, it's all just an elaborate plan to get back at Tamara and Malcolm for torturing him in The Wicker Man review. They catch on and he uses Insane Troll Logic to tell them it's their fault and they should feel ashamed for being duped long enough for him to escape to his car. It doesn't work, and he gets the crap beaten out of him off-screen.
- Tamara's line during the end credits is by far the best. "Somewhere, over your nut sack! (Critic screams in pain) balls are blue~!"
- The return of "A FAMILY picture!" from the Son of the Mask review, when Cosby's character needs to pick up urine from a guy who's in the middle of taking a piss in the bathroom.
- When addressing how the characters in the movie have a serious case of Skewed Priorities regarding Cosby's situation, the Critic whispers at the movie to inch close to him so he can tell it something it has apparently forgotten. After the camera zooms in close enough, he loudly screams: "HE'S DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!"
- He refers to the "dead mother syndrome" as "Get-the-bitch-out-of-the-film-isis".
- The Critic's reaction to the Bastard Boyfriend of Cosby's daughter telling him to "put the bitch on", over the phone
Critic: (takes off his glasses and does a Face Palm)
Because that's what a teenage boy talking to the parent of a girl he wants to get with would say. "Put the bitch on." Yeah. It's like you put a hidden camera in a real family's house because you guys are just capturing reality so well! In fact, are you sure you didn't do that? Are you sure you didn't put a hidden camera in some family's house and this is just the recordings that you're showing us? It's so fucking realistic! Goooood! Movie, were you just raised in a burlap bag being beaten by other unfunny DVDs of Carlos Mencia, (a picture of people beating Ghost Dad with Carlos Mencia DVDs in a burlap bag is shown)
and then suddenly released into the world thinking, "Yeah, I can represent the social interactions of the human animal." Well, lemme tell you something, movie. Come here, come here, come here. Little closer, little closer, little closer. (taking his gun out) Fuck you! *bang!*
- The Big Lebowski jar makes another appearance during Malcolm's Gandalf Jumping Jacks backwards Big Lebowski routine.
- The Critic saying that most of what Bill Cosby was saying in the film could be used in The Exorcist. He later came to the conclusion that the film could've been rewritten as a genuine horror film rather than a comedy film.
- Complete with an edited version of the trailers of Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones and White Noise using footage of the film he's reviewing, to further prove his point.
- And ending the "trailer" with the quote "Coming soon... Blippity-Blippity".
- He is so floored by the utter stupidity of The Reveal (that not only was Cosby's soul just scared out of his body, but this is a hereditary trait, and one of the ways you can get your soul back is by spending a whole week in a bunny costume) that he has nothing to say about it, and admits that if he tries, "the more mentally insane I will become" and he'll also make the audience crazy too.
Are you Sick of "Let it Go"?
- At the end of the video, Tamara Elsa asks the Critic if he wanted to build a snowman. The Critic responds by smacking her in the face with his fist, and the video ends just when he was about to knock her out.
- This bit:
The damn film's five months old, move on to something else! Elsa (Tamara): "Everything is Awesome!!" Critic:
Okay, not that one.
- The text on the bottom at the beginning says that Critic sings the song with Adele Dazeem.
- The Critic claims he just wants to watch porn, only to get a picture of Olaf with his nose censored.
- "But wait, it gets even better..."
Better...? Uh, what do you mean by that? Tamara Elsa:
Harsh winter weather will create a million memes! (shot of a picture of Elsa saying "HEY MIDWEST, YOU WANNA SEE WHAT MY MIDDLE FINGER CAN DO?") Critic:
Oh, c'mon, those are so old! Tamara Elsa:
Costumes from this kid's movie will meet our slutty extremes
! (shot of "Sexy Elsa" costume) Critic:
Jesus Christ, it's Disney!
Alice in Wonderland
- In beginning, Critic is doing spring cleaning and finds a flash drive containing his old, embarrassing home videos and refers to the incident when they were exposed as Wilsongate.
- The part where the Critic is falling through the spiraling vortex screaming like a maniac.
- The Malice character that accompanies Critic through Tim Burton Land is Ax-Crazy, as she kills Danny Elfman, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter. However, the offscreen deaths are more funny than disturbing as there is gratuitous blood and she emerges covered in it. The Critic's reactions to Elfman's murder are even more hilarious.
Critic: (terrified) She seemed so nice!
- When Critic tries to stop Malice from killing Depp and Bonham-Carter:
Malice: (pointing) Oh, but I already killed them when you were looking over there.
(Critic looks away, cut away to random background)
Critic: But I didn't look-
(Cut back to Critic and Malice, the latter now covered in gore)
- When Malice explains that she thought Critic was a fellow asylum escapee based on his outfit, he clarifies it's because he's a celebrity.
Critic: When you dress weird, you're crazy. When I dress weird, it's avant garde.
- Danny Elfman's song "It's Tim", set to the tune of "What's This?" parodies most of Tim Burton's conventions in a hilarious way.
- The Critic's voiceover pointing out how the "ahead of the times" trope is now cliched and behind the times, complete with a posh falsetto voice over clips from the film.
: Oh, most unorthodox! [...] Heavens to Betsy! [...] I hope no other character in any other movie ever made repeats what she does in this film! That would be rrrrrrrrrrrrandy!
- "There is no, life I know, phoned in liiiike, computer generation..."
- Malcolm as a producer in charge of prophecies, dictating the prophecies for The Chronicles of Narnia, Dune, The Matrix, The Phantom Menace. When asked about the prophecy of Jesus, he says to leave it open to interpretation, as that can't possibly go wrong.
Critic: Did that guy look familiar?
Malcom: (now dressed as carrotjuice) Nope.
- The Critic's sarcastic Totally Radical wonder at the Mad Hatter's dance, using very '90s hand gestures and words like "krunk", "dope" and "getting jiggy".
Malice: Are you certain you didn't escape from a mental institution?
- The Critic's reaction after The Reveal that Wonderland is actually named Underland. After pointing out that literally everything in the title is wrong to an extent,note he mentions that even Care Bears In Wonderland was a better adaptation. Malice tries to stop him, but he says it anyway, and gets booed by the audience as a result.
Critic: YEAH, C'MON, I SAID IT! I SAID IT! WHO WANTS SOME?! C'MON, C'MON!
- "Oh hey, Santa Christ!" "Hello!" "How'd you get here?" "I don't know!" It's how he's so cheerful about it that sells the funny.
- Tim Burton appearing as The Wizard of Oz.
- The Nostalgia Critic questioning the iffy concept of the Mad Hatter being involved in a cause.
Mad Hatter: The Communist flag will rise! Ohohoho!
- When the Critic and Malice are confronted with the Jibber Jabber (a Jabberwocky creature with a laptop computer for a head), Malice simply consumes a piece of cake that makes her grow larger, and then stomps on the monster in a rather Pythonesque fashion.
- Upon encountering Carrotjuice the Black Rabbit for the first time, the Critic just screams in a very high pitch.
- His feigned amazement over the "twist" of Alice being the Alice the whole time.
Whoa! Just— Fuckin' whoa
! This movie is pushing the envelope of cinematic twists! I mean, who could've seen that coming?! Next you'll be telling me that Clark Kent
this whole time was... Clark Kent! Man, this movie knows how to keep you on your fucking toes!
- "My God! Her boring personality is in direct conflict with our boring personalities! MOST UNORTHODOOOOOOOOOOOX!"
- The Critic being totally underwhelmed by the end of the movie, in which Alice boards a ship bound for Hong Kong when a blue butterfly lands on her shoulder:
Alice: (to the butterfly)
Hello, Absolem. Critic!Alice:
Really? That's our big closer? I've seen more thrilling conclusions out of "Berenstain Bears
Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters
- The Critic pointing out how a major plot point is the boys struggling not to be broke...after they splurged on two arcade machines and a pinball machine.
- Critic speculating that My Big Fat Greek Wedding was right (regarding the movie's Running Gag that Windex fixes everything) after the maid tries to put out a fire with Windex.
- Afterwards, Doug's story. His father didn't want the kids to know that Peter and Ray were drinking alcohol, so he told them it was a magic drink that turned them into Ghostbusters.
- Malcolm and Tamara mention how the cartoons in ABC's One Saturday Morning were just as good as the Disney afternoon cartoons, citing Pepper Ann, Recess, Kim Possible and The Proud Family, which the Critic agrees were good. Then Malcolm mentions Disney's Doug, a show he thought was pretty good, we immediately cut to the Critic, Tamara and Malcolm sitting down to watch the block, with Malcolm now sporting a black eye and a cut on his lower lip, groaning about how he can't feel his teeth.
That was a pretty good cartoon series. You can't deny that must have had some sort of impact
on your life—
- After that, the Critic refers to the previous show through gritted teeth, while glaring at Malcolm, as "lesser forms of art".
Critic: It's too late for him.
- And naturally, for the remainder of the episode, Critic keeps being an ass and pulling or patting Malcolm's hurt arm.
- The Critic's (real) mom appears to yell at the trio to start doing their homework. Malcolm and Tamara make fun of him... until Malcolm's (real) mom comes in and yells at them too. Tamara excitedly asks if her mom is around, to which the Critic says it was too expensive to get a ticket for her, but he did bring her grandma. Cue Linkara as Fat Grandma.
Fat Grandma: Ducks Rock!
- After reviewing the surprisingly good Gummi Bears show, the Critic wonders what other snacks could be made into shows:
♪Doritos! Getting cheese crumbs on your goddamn clothes! They are the Doritos!♪
Today's Adventure: The Super Bowl Genocide
- When the Crtic says the Afternoon started to decay after TaleSpin, Malcolm asked if that meant he hated Darkwing Duck. Critic responds by pulling a shot gun on him (He meant that this was the end of good Disney-licensed Capcom games). When Tamara tells him to explain what he means by first explaining what Darkwing Duck was, Critic just points the gun to her. Leading Tamara to quickly say she knows who Darkwing was.
- The beginning of the Bonkers rant:
Now, tell me if this setup sounds familiar: A 'toon and a cop... Malcolm and Tamara: Roger Rabbit
. Critic: YEAH!
- Plus, in reaction to the famous episode where Mickey Mouse is heard but not seen, it cuts to outside Mickey's trailer where we hear him having some...weird activity with the bulldog.
- Don't forget the later reaction to the Schnookums and Meat Funny Cartoon Show.
: Just look at this intro and tell me if it reminds you of anything, anything
familiar at all. (intro with Deranged Animation and Gross-Up Close-Up in full play is shown, approximately half a second in...) Malcolm and Tamara
: Ren and Stimpy. Critic
- His attempt at describing Don Karnage:
"Imagine if Ricky Ricardo
got fed up with his wife, took his Caribbean band, and just started robbing the shit
out of people."
- After attempting to watch The Shnookums & Meat Funny Cartoon Show, Tamara notices Malcolm unconscious and wonders if the Critic beat him up again. Critic replies that this is just the result of hearing the main characters' voices.
Malcolm: SO HORRIBLE!
- When going over Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series and calling villains Dragaunus (played by Tim Curry) and Wraith (played by Tony Jay) the best part of the show, he has the two have a contest to see whose voice can make women orgasm the fastest. The contest is ruined with an utterance of "Ducks Rock".
- Right before the commercial break, the Critic decides to eat some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fruit snacks. Tamara reacts in disgust before being told that they're current snacks. So she decides to take out a My Little Pony toy, with Malcolm asking if she got it from her attic, but only to be told that it's a current toy. So Malcolm take out an Optimus Prime toy, with them asking if he got that out of his attic, only to tell them it's also current. Cue the dreaded realization that nothing has changed.
- The Critic (and to a lesser extent, Malcolm and Tamara) getting overly excited about the Gummi Bears theme song, along with the singer. Especially hilarious, because he's reacting as if it was a heavy metal song of some sort. He also notes at the end that the singer was so into the song he died on the very last note. Cue the opening ending with an explosion, and the trio mourning him.
R.I.P. Guy Who Took Gummi Bears Too Seriously
- After he mentions how aside from DuckTales, "surely there must be another Disney title that made a thumb-bleedingly good Capcom game". Cue Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers and Ash screaming "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BABY!"
- When mocking Quack Pack's Totally Radical opening...
Oh yeah, now this
is current and hip! Huey, Dewey and Louie! Oh, I mean, EXTREME HUEY DEWEY AND LOUIE! QUAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Singer: I feel like quacking, so I think I will!
Critic: What the hell does that mean? Who wakes up and says "I feel like quacking today"? Did I miss that thing?
- The Critic mocking the Gummi Berry juice's name and wondering if the Force had a different name, if it would have been taken as seriously.
Malcolm (as Yoda): You must use the Yummy Muffy-Puffy.
- Nicolas Cage in a bear suit makes a return appearance in the Gummi Bears portion of the review.
Critic (as Cage): This is the way teddy bears have their picnic, bitch. *PUNCH*
- When mentioning how the Duke from Gummi Bears looks a lot like Skeletor, the Critic wonders if the latter is just the Duke's ghost. Cue a clip from the show where the Duke is comically squashed by his own boulder, then...
Critic (as Skeletor): Nyoh, dammit! Now what flamboyant spectacle am I going to chase? *sees He-Man* Hello...
- When mentioning how only three characters from The Jungle Book made it into TaleSpin, he wonders:
Wouldn't it be great to see Kaa in there? Or.. (images of other characters flash by) ...Kaa?
- The Critic arguing that Don Karnage should have his own series. When it's pointed out that a pirate wouldn't be a good role model for impressionable kids, he tries to argue that piracy was the first form of democracy, and upholds that by pointing out Karnage's constantly variating accent would teach kids multiculturalism.
- "Why do people keep casting me as irritatingly annoying birds?!"
- Critic lists all the memorable secondary characters of DuckTales, but cannot name any of them beyond than their description and role.
- Even better: In the credits, Doug lists the actual names of the characters. "Nobody forgets GizmoDuck."
- The Critic saying that the abbreviation "DW" sounds good to him.
- The opening scene of Critic, after returning home from Tamara and Malcolm telling him the review was a waste of time, losing it and taking his anger out on all the products whose mascots appeared in the film. It's also meant to be sad due to Broken Tears, but as it's a parody of Selena Kyle losing her shit in Batman Returns, it's a mix of that and absurd.
- The fact the last message on his answering machine is from "Irony Grocery".
"Hello, Nostalgia Critic. This is the Irony Grocery Store. We were hoping to indulge your nervous breakdown by advertising a series of trigger products. Mr. Clean, Mrs. Buttersworth, and StarKist Tuna are all on sale this week. Irony Grocery, a division of Threshold Entertainment."
- One of his earlier messages is from Tamara, who tells him that "the Nazis would have used [the movie] if they ran out of bullets."
- The Critic's immediate reaction to Sunshine Goodness is to back away in fright, drum his hands rapidly on the table, and exclaim "THE FUCK IS THAT?!" He then goes on to describe her as "a cat mascot for raisins clearly created by a designer who clearly has to ask himself more questions about his sexuality."
- Having already seen the rat that Dex Dogtective identifies as Fat Cat Burglar, the Critic decides upon seeing Sunshine that a cat must have snubbed the director at a party so he refused to portray them in proper form on film.
- Sunshine has to depart for a minute before Dex can propose to her. As she skips away, Critic quickly slaps a Post-It reading "KIDNAP ME!!!" on her, because "We all know that's pretty much what you're saying."
- When the Critic learns that the film's main setting is called "Marketropolis Market", he nonchalantly quips: "Redundant much, redundant?"
- The film has multiple trips into the Uncanny Valley, but Critic's reaction to Mr. Clipboard is priceless.
- And then his reaction to the woman pushing the shopping cart, which convinces him that he is being punished for his sins and he proceeds to confess all the things nerd culture considers a sin: the cancellation of Firefly, the transformation of Fred into an online series, Taco Bell's creation of a breakfast menu, John Travolta's mispronunciation of Idina Menzel as "Adele Dazeem", and removal of the cartoons on Cartoon Network.
- In the first Lady X scene, when Dex quips, "Of all the produce bars in all the supermarkets in all the world, she had to walk into mine.", The Critic points out how almost every scene with Dex Dogtective features a bad pun, including that particular scene. In the scene where the icons drown out Lady X's guards by singing their own song that is set to the tune of "La Marseillaise", the Critic calls it an obvious reference to Barb Wire...and then he shows a clip from Casablanca anyway.
- The first time Lady X shows up:
"And I guess the representative of Brand X in this world is Lady X, a supposedly sexy seductress with the dead lifeless eyes of a plastic blow-up doll and a personality just as interesting to match."
- The Critic pointing out that Lady X and most of her actions make Foodfight! a Fetish movie.
- The Critic notices that her Catholic schoolgirl uniform inexplicably has plaid gloves, which not only make her hands look like they're put on backwards, but also make it look like her hands are melting into Al Borland's shirt. He wonders if that's even a "thing"... then, later, Tamara is seen wearing them as well.
- The Behind the Scenes video reveals that they aren't a thing; Doug just couldn't find anything online, and had to have them made just for that joke.
- When Lady X launches her aircraft, the angle makes it look like they're coming out of her vagina. The Critic looks on with confusion at first, then decides to roll with the joke:
Critic: Launch out of my vag! There's enough fetish fuel in this movie for EVERYBODY!!!
Lieutenant X: I think I just wet myself... It feels rather nice...
Critic: (stares with a mixture of horror and disgust) Fet - ish - mo - vie.
- Upon encountering Cheasel T. Weasel, a rodent that apparently can move his head like Stretch Armstrong, he's first seen sticking his head between Dex's legs, leading to this inevitable joke:
- The revelation that Jar-Jar Binks was the one who wrote the movie. The Critic responds by sending several missiles in his direction, and they all ignite, killing Binks.
- "But thank God ten years doesn't make such a difference to such Hollywood giants like Hilary Duff, Chris Kattan, Eva Longoria, and 24/7 dodger of controversy Charlie Sheen. (a cuckoo sound plays on Sheen's picture) I'm sure all these people will be just as big in 2012 as they were in 2002. (cut to the Looney Tunes cartoon "The Ducksters" as an offscreen voice shouts "YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!")''
- Critic deducing that this is the project that made Charlie Sheen go insane, and playing a TV interview of Sheen to prove it.
- Upon revealing the twist, that the villain of the movie the whole time was... the villain of the movie, or more specifically, Clipboard is a robot piloted by Lady X, we are treated to a pic of M. Night Shyamalan, who simply says: "... no... just... no."
- When Dex does an unexpected twirl while asking Lady X how she's supposed to get in and out of the store, Critic adds in, "Perhaps if I do more ballerina twirls, the answer will become clear!"
- The Critic criticizing the fact that the animators clearly couldn't figure out what a cat looks like based on the characters of Fat Cat Burglar (who's a rat) and Sunshine Goodness (who's basically a girl with cat ears in her hair), and saying that any person who fails at a Spin 'N Say should not be given $65 million to make a movie.
Isn't it kind of a no-brainer that you don't give 65 million dollars to a person who would fail a Fisher Price Barnyard Animals game? Spin 'N Say:
A kitty cat goes... Malcolm: Squeak squeak! Critic:
GIVE HIM ALL OUR MONEY! CLEARLY, WE'RE DEALING WITH ARTISTIC GENIUS HERE! Malcolm:
I pooped myself! Critic:
Give him an extra grand for that.
- The Overly Long Gag involving the terrible animation during the battle between the icons and the Brand X army, as the Critic observes that the director must have asked the big animations studios of Creator/Pixar, DreamWorks, and Blue Sky Studios to help them, and each studio sent its own response.
- Pixar read the script, and in response, not only did they send some terrible animation as a joke (which the director used because he was too lazy), but they also sent a personally handwritten note from John Lasseter reading "Go fuck yourselves!"
- DreamWorks read the script, and in addition to sending some spit-in-the-face renders (which the director also used because he was too lazy), they also sent a picture of Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen all mooning the camera while giving the finger.
- In addition to sending crappy animation (which the director also used because he was too lazy), Blue Sky Studios wanted to turn it into a horrible franchise. Don't be surprised if a crossover between Rio, Ice Age, and Foodfight! comes to a movie theatre near you in the near future.
- Malcolm and Tamara fawning over Natalia Poklonskaya, the attorney general of Crimea.
She's so adorable! Malcolm:
I just want to eat her up! Tamara:
Oh, look, she's smiling! Malcolm:
She's like the Jennifer Lawrence
- General X leading his Brand X troops while marching in unison and showing off "JAZZ HANDS! JAZZ HANDS! JAZZ HANDS! JAZZ HANDS!"
- During the final catfight between Sunshine Goodness and Lady X, we cut to a man known only as "The Film's Writer" typing the last part of the story at his computer:
"And then, the hot furry chick kicks the ass out of the hot dominatrix
, all while the men make wicked funny jokes about her melons!" [snorts a giggle]
That's so funny! "And then, she gets turned into an ugly woman, proving once and for all that if you're an ugly woman, no good can come out of you!
" [beat] Writer:
"Oh, and there's, uh, something having to do with Mr. Twinkie, Mr. Clean, and a bunch of other products
, but who cares!" It's done! It's finished!! My magnum opus
for the Horny-Furry-S&M-Cat Fight-Boxing Fan Fiction Forum
is finally completed! All I have to do is submit it! [he happily clicks the send button, then he reacts in horror] Writer: OH NO! I just sent it to my big shot agent in Hollywood! I'm RUINED!!! [his computer beeps. He then looks at his screen confused at the private message that has come in] Writer:
Why the hell do they want $65 million for it?
- "I think we need a break. Here are some commercials. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF THEM!"
- When Dex rescues Sunshine Goodness and they are reunited, it's obvious that her eyes never move once, leading the Critic to think she's gone blind.
I never stopped believing in you, Dex. Critic (as Sunshine):
It is Dex, right? Unless Scooby-Doo
took steroids and somehow fought his speech impediment!
- "Yeah, something else you'll notice is the motion-capture arm acting. I guess because the expressions in this movie are... non-existent, all the acting comes through how much the characters awkwardly wave their arms. It's like watching C-3PO have a seizure, but even he somehow would have more expression on his face than these guys!"
Weasel mascot: Not that bald isn't beautiful!
Critic (as C-3PO): R2-D2, WHERE ARE YOU?!
- Complete with over-the-top impression.
- Malcolm and Tamara already both wear glasses (because they're scientists here), but then they each take out a second pair of glasses just to hold them to their mouths in a contemplative manner without removing the first pair.
- The Critic's final assessment of the movie:
"This is awful! It's awful! I'd much rather read the credits like I'm reading a memorial of all the poor people who dedicated their lives to this horribleness! All adding up to shit! 65 MILLION DOLLARS OF SHIT!"
- "Hey look! There's the Twinkie guy! I'm sure he's gonna do something really big and really important coming up. After all, he is one of the biggest characters on the poster, along with these other icons you barely seen in this movie. Hell, Dex and Sunshine are 1/3 of their size! Surely all of them are gonna get together and do something huge in the movie's climax! Like... say nothing, pretty much do nothing... and take a backseat to graphics worse than the 'Money for Nothing' video. And... okay, a lot of you might be shouting "That's phenomenal false advertising in a movie that is absolutely nothing but advertising." But this is incredibly common in even good films. Heck, I once saw a Star Wars poster where the main focus was the mouse droid! [cut to the Star Wars Episode IV poster with a mouse droid front and center. The text below the Star Wars logo reads "Yes, THIS is the One with the Mouse Droid!"] And we all know what a gigantic part he played, right? The movie would've been nothing without him."
- Critic describes Marketropolis at night as "what your nightmares would look like if they never rendered properly."
Top 11 GOOD Things in the Star Wars Prequels
The Swan Princess
- The Critic acknowledging Warner Bros. blatant rip offs of certain Disney movies by coughing and quickly saying each movie that was ripped off.
*COUGH!* soobviouslysleepingbeautyican'tbelieveyou'rerippingoffsleepingbeautyhaveyounoshame? (*Beat*
- "Here's to the assumption that her mother died in birth! "YAY!"
- "So we discover that the evil Rothbart (sounds like a gay porno with the lead singer of Van Halen) has kidnapped Odette and has whisked her away to the horrible, devastating...prettiest evil lair banishment can buy. Why the fuck does he want the king's land? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kinkade!"
- When Rothbart gets fed up of Odette's rejections.
- Derek, while looking for the Great Animal, is quite indiscriminate about which animal he's trying to kill. The King's dying description of Rothbart's beast form (a "great animal that's not what it seems") doesn't exactly make for a small number of suspects once Derek figures out that it's a transforming animal, so he goes around basically shooting at anything that moves, up to and including Odette's swan form. Critic points out that even the Joseph McCarthy trials weren't that intense, and we cut to various cartoon animals being interrogated by McCarthy, and all getting executed by arrow regardless of response:
Critic (as McCarthy):
Mr. Rooster, are you the Great Animal? Mr. Rooster:
Um... no? Critic McCarthy:
Yes you are. [executes Mr. Rooster]
Miss Kitty, are you the Great Animal? Miss Kitty:
Um... yes? Critic McCarthy:
Nice try. [executes Miss Kitty]
Mr. Mal, are you the Great Animal? Animal:
ANIMAL ALWAYS GREAT! Critic McCarthy:
Wrong answer. [executes Animal]
Mr. Worm, are you the Great Animal? Worm:
Well, my friends always call me "great". Critic McCarthy:
Whatever. Take this. [shoots the worm, which is still alive] Worm:
Ha! It'll take more than— [gets shot with a dozen more arrows]
That ought to do it!
- When the Critic points out that going by this logic, even he could be the Great Animal, Derek starts shooting at him, prompting the Critic to flee and call for a commercial break.
- Derek does an incredibly corny stunt in which Bromley shoots an arrow at him. The Critic points out that it would normally lead to a Saint Sebastian homage. What happens instead is: Derek catches the arrow, fits it into his bow, then fires it back and knocks the apple off Bromley's head.
Uh, yeah. Can we get the judges' take on that? (Cut to a skeptical-looking sport judge panel consisting of Legolas, Katniss Everdeen, and Hawkeye, who all hold up placards with "Bullshit" printed on them to a trumpet sting])
That's what I thought. Even for a fantasy aimed at 2 year olds, that's pretty fucking stupid. But, he also practices his hunting skills on some of his servants. And sadly, it's not as violent as you would think.
- What makes this unintentionally funny is that Oliver Queen, who's seen this get done, wasn't on the panel.
- The Critic has Malcolm and Tamara helping him explain what's wrong with Rothbart's plan within 40 seconds. When time's up, he sends them back to the closet, saying he'll let them out when he makes a Sam and Max reference.
Malcolm: He never makes those!
- Critic noting that Derek's Training Montage's animation took up five whole episodes of Animaniacs, meaning we'll never get to see the episode where Pinky and the Brain kiss.
- After the Critic gets tired of what he calls "Diet Disney", Malcolm and Tamara recommend Diet DreamWorks (consisting of The Nut Job, Hoodwinked! and the Rio and Ice Age sequels) and Diet Pixar (all the studio's sequels excluding the Toy Story franchise) and Seuss Zero, a foreshadowing of his next review.
- Not only that, but Tamara seems to literally pull the "Seuss Zero" out of her anus.
- It's made even better by the *Beat* as the Critic realizes that, the look on his face when he does, the evil smiles from Tamara and Malcolm, then Tamara laughing with a fuzzy Lorax moustache.
- The Critic's reaction to the nature of the pairing.
Aww, now isn't that a charming lesson? Years of hate and abuse are fine in a relationship as long as your sexual urges deem your partner a sweet piece of ass. Hey, it worked in Meg Ryan
films, and she turned out just fi-note
Don't do what they do in Meg Ryan films.
- When the Critic hears Jean-Bob's voice, he dubs dialogue from a better movie where John Cleese donned a French accent.
- Upon Rothbart's introduction, the Critic says his name is so strange he needs time to think of a proper joke for it. It becomes a Running Gag throughout the rest of the review, as the Critic does find several jokes about it.
- When Rothbart swears revenge on the king and announces he will regain his power, the Critic mocks his voice with "You. Were my number one. GUY!"
- The Running Gag about Derek being interested in Odette solely because of her beauty, and the Critic trying to add in extra things he could try to say.
Critic: Look, she makes my hose jump, okay? It's the middle ages. Love is like an appetizer: It's good to start out with but not essential.
- As King William is dying from an attack by Rothbart (whose name sounds like the noise you make when you hiccup and belch simultaneously), he's trying to tell Derek what happened to a recently-kidnapped Odette:
Derek: Where is Odette?
King: Odette is... Odette...
Critic: [beat] Well I know she's Odette, but that doesn't answer my question. *rimshot*
- When Odette is born and her father holds her up for his kingdom to see...
Critic (as the King):
Here's to the assumption that her mother died in birth
!! Crowd: Yaaaaay. Critic:
Many come from across the land to visit the newborn...[cut to newborn Odette somehow having hair and looking like a toddler]
, and the king forms a plan with a queen from another kingdom to play Matchmaker with their kids.
- As Derek insists that everything in the upcoming ball must be "like a swan", the Critic enumerates the swan's less graceful habits.
These bowls. They must be made bigger so people can dip their heads in them while eating. Like a swan!
These floors. They must be prepared for people to shit all over them whenever they please. Like a swan!
These clothes. We must find something more fitting, like-[cuts to a picture of the Swan Dress of Björk] No, that's just stupid
- "Oh, no! Instead of confessing his love to Odette, he confessed his love to Odette! Wait, this makes no sense. He still said Odette, but nothing in the spell said she had to be in the same room. It's not like he said 'I confess my love to this person on the left,' he clearly said Odette. You know, this is why spells need to be looked over by lawyers first."
- "I greet you with Cheeto lightning!"
- Rothbart is introduced practicing black magic:
Narrator: For he was prepared to take William's kingdom, by means of the forbidden arts.
Critic (as Narrator): Through the evil leprechaun magic of pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers and blue diamonds. They're magically diabolical.
- "BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR STEALING!"
- The Critic's reaction to Rothbart's upbeat musical number and projects of poking the poodle.
Critic: My God, there's nothing more terrifying than a tap dancing sorcerer who plans on eating people's lunches! This diabolical baddie has entered the realms of rude! RUUUUUUUDE!!!
- The beginning gives us a parody of The Giving Tree, where the boy grows up to cut the tree down, turn it into paper, and use that paper to make posters and fliers for The Lorax movie, all while preaching on how to save the trees.
- The Critic starts speaking in rhyme, like he did for the entire How the Grinch Stole Christmas! review, until..
- After hearing the very-much 26 year old Zac Efron voice the 12 year old Ted, he redubs a scene from The Iron Giant with Hogarth being overdubbed by Doug using a deep raspy voice.
- When the Onceler is first seen, the Critic's reaction is, "Oh my God, we finally found Bill Watterson!"
- Analyst 1 and Analyst 2 clinking their champagne glasses after every sentence. Up to Eleven when they're panicked and still clink them.
- When the Critic brings up the question of why the two analysts are still alive after the Critic drove them both to kill themselves back in the Cat in the Hat review, Analyst 1 gives a rather fitting explanation; not just for him, but for all sales executives everywhere:
Analyst 1: We're like mononucleosis, we never really go away.
- The Critic laughing hysterically after suggesting that the film preserved the ambiguity that the book and original movie originally presented - no way would any of the Dr. Seuss-inspired movies do that!
- The Critic's Cluster F-Bomb when the Once-ler turns out to have a face, and his suppressed Cluster F-Bomb when he turns out to be the embodiment of "bland Millennial-itis": "F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F... I don't care for it."
- In the second instance, he not only suppresses the word he wants to say, but he also shakes violently and bangs against the walls of the analysts' office with a comical angry facial expression.
- All the fandom references — not just to the Once-ler fangirls, but also to the popular Jelsa Crossover Ship.
- The Critic realizing how similar the name of the song "Let it Grow" was to "Let it Go" and questioning how popular this song was considering that The Lorax came out about 20 months before Frozen was released.
- Critic calling Aloysius O'Hare "the lost Captain Planet villain: Shempy".
- Black Willy Wonka straddles between this and Heartwarming, but his last line definitely falls under here:
Black Willy Wonka: But Critic, don't forget what happened to the man who got everything he always wanted.
Critic: What happened?
Black Willy Wonka: I killed him. And stole all of his possessions.
- There's also the way he deals with the Analyst:
This wasn't on your resumé. Black Willy Wonka: Oh look
, a popular demographic you can exploit!! Analyst: [running off]
Oh wait, I have charts! I have chaaaaarts!
- Chester A. Bum reading the Lorax book with a super-intense expression.
- The I'm a Smartie button.
- On the topic of the climax, after the Once-ler gives Ted the last seed, we think the movie is going to end on a powerfully quiet, emotionally fueled, and subtly ambiguous final note. The Critic just bursts out laughing uncontrollably:
I'm sorry... the idea of any Dr. Seuss movie doing anything clever or subtle! No! Of course
they don't do that! [laughs some more]
No. This one has car chases
! Yeah! Because if there's anything that people were complaining were missing from Dr. Seuss, it was more fucking car chases! Also, we get the BIG bad corporation trying to take control of the people's MINDS! By god, they're making "Heil Hydra"
sound like a weather-resistant German car!
- Critic sees the "O'Hare Air" cans and accuses the movie of stealing the "Perri-Air" gag from Spaceballs.
Why Do We Love Stupid?
- His expression at the end doing some stupid dance.
Old vs. New: Spider-Man
- "But what good's a story in an action movie? To the Transformers films, nothing."
- The Running Gag of "caramelizing your insides until they're stretchy and sweet".
Critic: You know, I don't like how that's becoming a thing.
- The way they settle the "Best Action" section.
: I'm still not convinced! Name one other moment that was better than the original. Critic:
The best Stan Lee cameo
ever. Hyper Fangirl;
Okay, fair enough...
- The lead up to the "Best Villains" section.
Is there anything more evil than comic book villains? Hyper Fangirl: Actual murderers? Critic:
Aaaaand you made it weird... This is "Best Villains". Hyper Fangirl: You asked
- When the Hyper Fangirl starts to show her... deeper issues.
Oh, what? You've never had the voice of a loved one mentally torturing you inside? Critic: [with a confused look]
No. Hyper Fangirl
: Oh... Well... Neither have I
- Malcolm appearing as an Expy of Electro, going through his (forced) character arc in a matter of seconds — and ending it by smashing into the ceiling and dropping back to the floor.
- He went from ordinary guy to fanboy to enemy to supervillain in 25 seconds. That has got to be a record.
- And then when he regains consciousness, he just gets knocked out again by Hyper Fangirl with a Pinkie Pie doll. The hit didn't even look all that hard.
- The Critic points out that Paul Giamatti, who he thinks is a great actor, was very underused in the new movies, going so far as to use the scene in Sideways where he's on the phone having a conversation with his agent, and the scene where he drinks a tub of wine over his disappointment.
- The Hyper Fangirl challenging the Critic to quote a single line of dialogue from any of the villains from the new movies, in contrast with quoting memorable lines from the Raimi films' villains.
- Also, the Critic comparing the villain portrayals to a Henry Fonda performance vs. a Tim Curry performance. Henry Fonda may have more weight to his performance, but you're inevitably going to remember Tim Curry's more.
- The Critic and Hyper Fangirl trying to avoid talking about the Spider Man girlfriends by allowing the other to talk first. The Critic only does this because he knows there's little to nothing that can be said to defend Mary Jane, who he ranked in his Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress.
Name one good thing about Mary Jane! Hyper Fangirl:
Uhm... She has pretty hair
MARY JANE SUCKS! Hyper Fangirl:
Yes, she does.
- The Critic's random shot at how J Jonah Jameson's son John was portrayed in Spider-Man 2.
- The Critic and Hyper Fangirl contrasting how Maguire and Garfield captured each only one side of Peter Parker's persona (the dweeby geek and the cocky wisecracker, respectively), ending up both without arguments and, after a *Beat*, concluding that neither of them captured Spider-Man completely.
- The Mood Whiplash after Critic asked which Spider Man would the viewers look up to the most after giving his thoughts on both of them. Cut to Tobey Maguire making a complete butt out of himself.
- The appearances of Linkara as Fat Grandma, Linkara as himself, and Last Angry Geek.
- Fat Grandma encourages Hyper Fangirl to stalk Critic even harder.
Fat Grandma: Less talkin' and more Stalkin'!!
- As Hyper Fangirl puts on her coat and hat, Fat Grandma starts hamming it up in the style of a Raimi Spiderman villain.
Fat Grandma: The heart, honey child! First you start with the heaaaarrrrt!
- Critic admitting he finally broke down and made a twitter account, albeit for Channel Awesome (who runs it while Doug has nothing to do with it IRL) and not himself.
- I am the saddest and loneliest person who has no friends to ask her about her problems... DON'T ASK WHY!
- The Critic points out how almost every villain in the series has become evil due to science, culminating in his version of Electro's origin:
Critic: Science science science... science? Oh no, science!
- When the Critic says he heard Hyper Fangirl was a Spider-man fan, she awkwardly replies, "I might have dabbled." Cut to a drawing behind her of a certain someone labeled "Spider God" kissing her hand, which she quickly rips down.
Is Juno Any Damn Good?
- The montage of the "What the fuck are you doing?" moments.
- At the end, he expresses a desire to have the Hamburger Phone.
Blues Brothers 2000
- The Critic tries to recapture the magic from his first NC review (Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue), but without using the film footage or even himself, instead opting to use different characters, each in Critic costume. They include Black Critic (Malcolm Ray), Kid Critic (Tamara Chambers), Animated Kitten Critic, Sexy Female Critic (Dayna Munday), Invisible Critic (who might just be a wall), and of course, Cameo Critic (Brad Jones as The Cinema Snob).
Cameo Critic: [shrugs] It's a living.
- The Critic compares Aretha Franklin's poorly timed and poorly executed rendition of "Respect" to watching the movie and accidentally bumping the TV, thus changing the channel.
- The scene where, to escape a diner filled with cops, Elwood covers his entire face in shaving cream, and flailing his arms around.
Ah, of course! The old.... "look like a minion from Mario 2
which will cause the police to do nothing
for some reason allowing you to go into your car and spin around for a solid minute or three also causing the police to do nothing for some reason and then take off driving". [beat]
- The return of Ghost Rider Pony. When Malcolm tells Critic that he has done that joke before, he responds by saying that whenever someone says "pony" on the internet, the views go through the roof. After seeing that it works, they both just start yelling, "Pony, pony, pony!" a bunch of times, causing the video to get over 109,443,783,092 views.
- After witnessing the scene where the Colonel is turned into a Blues Brother by God, he takes a break to play Cards Against Humanity, and picks the topic "Something so stupid even Blues Brothers 2000 wouldn't use it". He draws "A 130 year old voodoo witch", "Zombies", and "Rednecks being turned into rats". The movie shows exactly that.
Critic: [taking off his coat, hat and tie] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!? I don't get it! I really don't! None of this adds up in the least! It's like you're trying to piss off the people who loved the first film so much! Why? No, really, why are you trying to piss us off? Wha— are you trying to atone for something? Are you trying to tie it back to a mistake you made in the past?
- The above scene causes the Critic to realize that the crazy scenarios and magical crap having nothing to do with the original movie must be an attempt to do a movie version of the Blues Brothers video game.
"Think about it! Every hit movie needs a game, and clearly the game had nothing to do with the original, so they were trying to tie them together so that they wouldn't have to make another game!"
- "Here's the only thing certain after death, taxes, and everything you love either getting a shitty sequel or a shitty remake: Commercials!"
- "Tired of a movie giving you an unbelievable experience, only to find years later the same filmmakers fuck it up with their shitty sequels or spinoff? Well, fear no more! Because we've invented Fuckital! Now you can stop caring about a movie series you once loved by acknowledging it probably wasn't that important to begin with."
Can you believe the person who directed Alien
? Tamara: [with glazed look on her face]
It makes no sense and pales in comparison to the original! Tamara:
Hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't think this was a big deal. Tamara:
I don't. It's only a movie. Malcolm:
I used to be emotionally invested in what I watched, but now, the more I think about it, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt should play Robin
Maybe The Hobbit
did need all those extra scenes. Malcolm: You're insane!! Tamara: Maybe midichlorians... aren't such a bad idea
Wake up, damn it! Don't go where I can't follow! [she proceeds to foam at the mouth and pass out, while Malcolm looks at the bottle and reads the label that says "Made with 90% Morphine"] Critic!!Announcer:
With a heavy enough dose, you'll forget all about Sofia Coppola
in The Godfather
(Part 3), Emo Peter in Spider-Man
, and all pretentious dialogue from The Matrix
movies. [cut to Critic standing in the foreground while Malcolm tries to wake up Tamara] Critic:
Fuckital, because it doesn't matter if one of the Blues Brothers is a little kid. [beat]
Or John Goodman. Or plotless. Or has a car that can do anything. [takes off his purple collared shirt revealing his usual garb underneath]
Because you know, who cares? Who cares at all that it's a timeless classic, the original? Yeah, who cares that we just want to fuck it up? I mean, we just want to totally destroy it because y'know, it's just The Blues Brothers
. It doesn't matter that it's a Chicago icon! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter at all! Malcolm:
Um, excuse me, can we call 911 or something?
- The Running Gag in which characters angrily tell Elwood, "You got no plot, you got no comedy, and you don't even have the other Blues Brother! Unless you [have something to offer me that's a thousand times better than this piece of shit], count me the fuck out of this!"
- When mentioning how a few nails on the road can not only send a car flying several feet into the air, but also send it back in front of the club from where the chase scene started, the Critic wonders if a special company made these nails. Cue picture of the Aperture Science logo.
- When we first see Buster in a Blues Brother suit for no reason:
So Aykroyd and Goodman set out to pick up the rest of their band members when nope, NOPE, nope, nope, nope, nope, you killed the movie. You killed the movie! Whatever little speck of chance you had to make this entertaining, it was assassinated the minute you put that kid in a suit!
This is like giving Wolverine
a puppy, or Jules Winfield
a Martian [picture of Jules Winfield with the Great Gazoo from The Flintstones added to the barrel of his pistol]
, or the Terminator— [clip from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines of him putting on star-shaped glasses]
Oh yeah, that happened.
- The final straw comes when, at the very end of the movie, it looks like it will end with a car chase, only for the credits to start rolling.
"Movie, I'm not angry at you. Yes, I am, I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's... disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, movie. The same people that brought us a comedy classic, an icon, something they make statues of, has 18 years to put together a follow-up, and this is what we get? May God rape you with a pick-up truck... slowly... with vengeance..."
- After a bad joke from Murph and Mr. Fabulous, we cut to Critic sitting silently as the text "Do Not Adjust Your Computer Screen. What You Just Saw Was Not Funny" appears.
- Giant thunderclouds begin forming during "Ghost Riders in the Sky":
Critic: Oh, good, hopefully God has come to destroy this movie before it gets any worse!
- The runaway letter from Dan Aykroyd, who has decided he just doesn't give a shit anymore.
- The Critic thinks that Elwood and Mighty Mac have "more chemistry than Stephen Hawking and HAL 9000". They are then seen together:
- The scene of the Blues Brothers somehow defeating a bunch of Indiana Nazis by launching a boat full of explosives at them, blowing them up.
Mighty Mac: [as they drive away from the explosion] Did you hear something?
[Above the Critic, two cue signs, one reading "Laughter" and the other reading "Applause", with the "Laughter" sign lighting up]
Critic: [not amused, looking up at "laughter" sign] Funny, neither do I.
- In the movie, it is revealed that the orphanage is closed down, which means that everything the first film worked for was in vain. This in turn prompts the Critic to speculate that the scene in the first movie where God is giving light to Jake was an error.
Reverend Cleophus James:
Can you see the light? Jake:
YES! YES! YES! Critic (as God):
Whoops! No, no, I was actually aiming for the person in the front row. [the light moves away from Jake and on a man in the front pews]
Yes, that person. I demand you to put Nicolas Cage
in a Left Behind
movie! There, my will and totally confusing ways are done. [to the Blues Brothers]
You two? Ha! You just get a shitty sequel. Goodbye! [the light disappears]
- At the end, the Critic is so upset by this movie that he can barely speak anymore and decides to take some Fuckital.
Jurassic Park III
- The Cold Open has the Critic sitting at his desk looking glum when the camera zooms in on his face. He immediately turns his head and recoils as Dino Rob makes a return for the first time since the Season 5 finale. It turns out to be just Rob, who asks Critic what's wrong. Critic complains that he had a nightmeme, like a nightmare, except it involves supposedly abandoned jokes and/or characters.
- The Critic's excitement over the mother-fuckin' T-Rex returning... only for it to quickly end when it's anti-climatically killed by a Spinosaurus.
Imma motherfucking- [Neck Snap]
Oh shit! [T-Rex falls over dead.]
- Then, as part of his upset rant about the way the movie was treating its audience, he invokes a sketch where Doug plays a father who tries make his daughter (Tamara) play with a Barbie doll instead of a Dora the Explorer doll... by knocking it out of her hands and proclaiming it dead when she states she likes the Dora doll better and then screaming at her that she will love the Barbie doll whether she likes it or not.
- The rant preceding that one is a real gut-buster.
- Critic comparing a raptor's "communication calls" to Darth Vader with mucus buildup.
- The Pteranodon that abducts Eric turning out to be Pterri.
- The raptor on the plane saying "Alan!" leads Critic into a gag where the raptor tries to scare him but fails. Broken up by a Tear Jerker Mood Whiplash scene where he's told his mother died, and ends with him actually getting scared in the bathroom.
- Becomes Harsher in Hindsight when in September 2016, Doug announced his mother actually did pass away in her sleep.
- The dialogue that NC provides at the end for the pterodactyls, which is a Shout-Out to An American Tail.
- "Oh please, let this be one of those monster movies where the black guy doesn't get- *Gets pulled off and chomped by the Spinosaurus* God damn it!"
- The Critic is a bit incredulous at the fact that Billy is able to flawlessly recreate a raptor's call by blowing into a vocal chamber.
- When Alan blows on his horn to drive the raptors away, the Critic provides a translation of what the sounds come off as for the raptors.
"My vagina is a cow"
"All hail Queen of Spam"
"The cheese is old and moldy. Where is the bathroom?"
Raptor 1: Dude, the guy's mom must have drank when she was pregnant!
Raptor 2: Leave them. I hear they give you tsunami shits.
- The Critic points out that the red RESTRICTED text right after the location subtitle for Isla Sorna implies that the movie thinks the audience is stupid, and proceeds to add some more blatantly obvious DANGER signs to hammer the point through:
THAT MEANS BAD!
LIKE, FROWNY FACE BAD!!!
- When Ellie's toddler son answers the phone and gives it to Ellen, and she hears chaos on the other line. Then the movie cuts to her son making the most non-threatening "Rawr!" noises possible.
Critic: ...Well, to be fair, that was scarier than most of the other dinosaurs in this movie.
- The opening, where instead of actually naming the movie as usual, the Critic unleashes a good thirty seconds of Angrish when he sees the movie he has to review. He then dives into the review as if nothing happened.
- The episode opens with a deadpan Malcolm as Will Smith giving a speech about fear. Then it's revealed that it really is a speech for Jaden out of character.
Well, dad... Can't I choose not
to be in a Shyamalan movie?'' Malcolm (as Will Smith):
DENIED! Now get your stupid space suit on, Jaden. Jaden:
Ugh, this is like being in Karate Kid
with no "Karate". Malcolm (as Will Smith):
I heard that!
- The Critic losing his composure every time he states Will Smith's character's name, Cypher Raige.
- Eventually, he has to bring in a Puppet Critic to say the name, in order to fully express its ridiculousness.
- At some point, Kitai is intimidated by another soldier into revealing himself to a captured Ursa (the alien pets that can only smell people who are feeling fear) by... describing fear to Kitai. Cue the Critic finishing his speech with an impromptu karaoke of Thriller.
You close your eyesss... and hope that this is just imagination...
- The Critic notes the scene where Cypher Raige angrily denies his son permission to enter his room is the only time in the entire movie where he shows emotion despite the fact that there were obvious times where anger was needed from him to enhance the mood of the film. He finds the outburst weird especially considering his comparison of Will Smith's performance to that of a Mr. Potato Head Corpse.
Kitai: May I go to my room, Sir?
Cypher: DENIED! SIT DOWN!!!
Critic: YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME HAVE AN EMOTION IN A SHAMALAYAN FILM AGAIN!!!
Faia: That boy needs his father. He's a feeling boy.
- "Rangers, count off."
Zack Taylor: Mastodon!
Kimberly Ann Hart: Pterodactyl!
Billy Cranston: Triceratops!
- When Kitai starts yelling "I'M NOT A COWARD!" at the camera.
- Before that, Jaden's voice cracking in the middle of saying "No, dad," makes Critic think he sounds like Christopher Walken going through puberty backwards.
- The skit in response to Critic pointing out that Kitai's line, "My suit's turned black. I like it but I think it's something bad," indicates Shyamalan thinks most soldiers bring wardrobe appeal into their combat scenarios. We cut to Malcolm and Doug, dressed as Army generals, communicating by radio with Tamara, dressed as a Special Ops soldier:
Malcolm: Soldier, what is your status?
Tamara: The enemy has us outgunned and outnumbered, sir!
Doug: What kind of garments are they wearing, soldier?
Tamara: Fashionably outdated VP cam boots, sir!
Malcolm: Is their camouflage from the Ranger Joe catalog or the RothCo catalog?
Tamara: Ranger Joe, sir!
Doug: [groans] Don't they know that Ranger Joe is so last season?!?
Malcolm: Please tell me your top combats their blasé fashion sense!
Tamara: Sir, I've got on a black SWAT vest and a black standard issue top!
Doug: What about the bottom, soldier?
Tamara: [her camera pulls back to reveal she's wearing...] I've got a beautiful Bohemian Banana Republic skirt and a pair of wonderful flower shoes!
Doug: Do the shoes match, soldier? Do the shoes match?!
Tamara: Yes they do, sir!
Malcolm: [sigh of relief] Good. [gets out a drinking flask while Doug gets a bottle of Smirnoff] For a second there, I thought we were going to be under-dressed.
[the sound of a gunshot comes over the walkie-talkie]
Tamara: I'm hit!
Doug: But at least you died fabulous. [knocks bottles with Malcolm before they both take a big drink]
- After Malcolm!Will Smith tries to motivate the Critic to get through the movie but instead ends up quoting every single other inspirational speech from movies, the Critic cuts him off.
Malcolm (as Will Smith): (hurriedly as the Critic reaches for the button) Wait
, I have two other kids to promote! Critic: [faces offscreen] Nepotism
. Rob: Right?
- "Will Smith does his interpretation of the audience's interest"
Critic (as Smith): Booooooooriiiiiing.
- The Seinfeld clip that plays when Kitai has a nightmare about his dead older sister, and half her face is shown to be scarred:
She's a two-face. Jerry:
Like the Batman
...If that helps you.
- The "DENIED!" running gag is completed with Critic questioning on the last plot hole:
Critic: Can I get a...
- The ending with Shyamalan doing the Woody Woodpecker laugh and the Looney Tunes song ending.
Shyamalan: Why does everybody keep on hiring me? All of my work is shit!
Is Tree of Life Full of Shit?
- Malcom and Tamara casually popping up on either side of Doug and disscussing how bad Uwe Boll is.
- The Critic opens up his copy of the DVD (from Netflix, no less), and as like last time he did an Uwe Boll movie, Linkara and Spoony are there to join him. What makes it funnier is that they're both in the middle of their shows (Atop the Fourth Wall and The Spoony Experiment) when they sense the Critic opening the movie. Both stop what they are doing, Linkara remarks in a very comically deadpan "It's time" and they make their way to the studio (Linkara runs, while Spoony flies) where they meet Critic in the main room. Critic's response to their entrance:
Critic: Christ, you guys are so dramatic!
- There's also Spoony's surprise gasp after realizing that Linkara's been standing behind him the whole time.
- Before the review even begins, Linkara demands that they address the shocking, dramatic clusterfuck that happened several years ago regarding Spoony. He wore a Castleton shirt in the Alone in the Dark review despite never going to Castleton!note
Spoony: I dropped out, okay?!
- About the shape of the Bloodrayne logo.
- When Ben Kingsley's character dies, they give their own take on his last words:
- At the end of the movie, when they declare that the movie sucks, Linkara does the motions he does on his show when he declares a comic sucks...before realizing this is not a comic and he's not holding anything.
- Keeping track of Billy Zane's blinking and Michael Madsen's pausing.
- Linkara mocks Michael Madsen even phoning his death scene in by keeping a deadpan bored expression as he's stabbed, shot, gets an anvil dropped on his head, and blown up.
Linkara (as Michael Madsen): Are we done?
- The entire segment revolving around Meat Loaf as Leonid. Large Ham and Rapid-Fire Comedy don't even begin to cover it.
- "Now I know. And knowing makes it even more confusing. Uwe Bollllllllllll!"
- What really sells it is the expression on all of their faces.
- The Rule of Three gag referencing characters making speeches about better promised lands:
My uncle, he's a sailor. And he once told me of a place where people play all day. And the trees grow fruits in every color of the rainbow. And the sunsets, sets the whole sky on fire. Ransom:
They got tons of popcorn there. There's cotton candy, mountains of it, and chocolate milk, and malteds. George:
... gonna have a field of alfalfa. Lennie:
For the rabbits! Akio:
... without war and traffic accidents for the sake of the human beings. Woman:
Doesn't that sound wonderful Rayne?
- At one point, the movie drives Linkara into ADAMANTIUM RAGE!!!
- The Running Gag featuring The Cinema Snob trying to impress Linkara, Spoony and the Critic.
Snob: [with blood on his hands]
Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it. I just killed a vampire! Spoony:
Was it a Nazi
Well, technically no, but... Critic:
Oh, please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now! Linkara:
Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine
of vampire killings. Snob:
But he killed a family of six! Spoony: [with a haughty voice]
Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you. (they all turn away and refuse to look at him) Snob
: Ok... I-I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Good Will or something... Spoony: [still in a haughty voice]
You do that. (the Snob leaves as Linkara waves him away, still not looking him in the eye) Critic:
- The Snob coming in the second time, as the movie shows the hunters trying to clean up Rayne's rampage.
Snob: Guys, guys! I just decapitated 20 corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest! No reason really, I'm just kinda sick!
Spoony: Were they ninja decapitated corpses?
Snob: [clearly irritated] Ungh, I didn't ask what their martial arts background was!
Critic: Oh, Snob, everyone knows if there's any decapitated corpses worth talking about, it's NINJA decapitated corpses.
Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up?
Spoony: They sneak without THOUGHT, man!
Snob: But I have a thirst for blood that can't be quenched!
Spoony: [again in a haughty voice] Away with you Snob, you become more dated with every passing view.
[they all turn away and refuse to look at him]
Snob: Why won't someone help me?!
[Linkara pushes him offscreen]
- Later, when describing how weird the fortune teller was...
Snob: [drenched in blood]
It's getting worse... I just bit the neck of a prostitute and no one seems to notice. Spoony (as Fortune teller (with a weird accent)):
Was it a zombie
prostitute? Snob: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE!!?
- The Critic points out that the death traps in the chamber that Rayne goes through vary from ridiculous (he refers to the really fast buzz saws as an Itchy and Scratchy security system, puts Daffy Duck and Woody Woodpecker through it, and edits the film so that Rayne gets sliced to bits after cartwheeling through, complete with a BULLSHIT accompanied by a loud buzzing sound) to lame (Rayne has already absorbed the eye making her immune to water, effectively making it a minor irritant, complete with a skit which has Malcolm dressed as Indiana Jones stealing a relic from a temple, which unleashes a trap... Doug and Linkara sprinkling water on him) to really scary (A monk walks through and tells her to come with him, prompting the three to scream in fear).
- Linkara talking about Rayne's search to acquire a magic eye to counteract her weakness to water, then showing a picture of a Magic Eye drawing.
- The Critic is flabbergasted by Rayne and Sebastian having sex after just one minute together.
Spoony: Oh, please! Who hasn't just met a person in jail, talked for only a minute, confessed his parents are dead, and humped each other's brains out in the middle of a half-open prison door? ...Heh, I'm speaking hypothetically.
- The review ends with the Critic flashing back to various points in the review a la the Gainax Ending of the movie, but gets confused when he flashes back to receiving a Pie in the Face. When he points out that didn't happen, Linkara hits him with a pie, and Spoony makes Curly-esque grunts, which leads into a Three Stooges-esque fight.
- The Critic makes fun of the Emergency Broadcast system message "Blessed be our new founding Fathers" by using the Rule of Three gag referencing past great presidential speeches and taking a wild guess as to what their speech entailed:
FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
JFK: Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country!
Critic: Just kill some people... (crowd enthusiastically cheers) Right? Right? It's a good idea, right?
- The Critic points out that a family who wants to escape the Purge should just head on over to Canada, "our Ned Flanders to the north, though the more I think about it, it may not be the safest either." Cut to the Canadian rape whistle commercial from the Dawn of the Commercials Review.
- The Running Gag concerning Pinky and the Brain splitting up. Complete with a cameo from Rob Paulsen and Maurice LaMarche at the end.
- "Dick or treat!"
- Film Brain as the parody version of the "creepy" villain, complete with Inadvertent Entrance Cue.
They have one night of the year to do whatever the hell they want, and yet they spend it like Fifth-graders who just found out they have cameras on their phones. What person would spend so much time to get into a person's house for such a weak reason
- And the Critic is reluctant to do two crossover reviews in a row, as he has issues with being redundant.
- The Critic can't help but appreciate the over-the top performance of the Polite Leader,note saying that he's the most enjoyable part of the film.
- When he's shot and killed, the Critic mourns him and says that he had more ham in him than Ponyo.
- When the movie explains how the Purge somehow solves all crime by giving people catharsis, we cut to a skit of Walter White solving all of his mental health problems by punching a pillow at Gus Fring's insistence.
All right, Gus. If I'm going to cook for you, I need to know that you're going to kill everybody that will get in the way of distribution. Especially yourself! Malcolm Gus:
Before turning to such a violent route, have you ever considered hitting a pillow? Doug Walter:
A pillow? Malcolm Gus:
Yes! You'll find it strangely... relaxing. (Gus holds up a pillow and Walter lightly punches it) Doug Walter:
My god! You're right! My mental instability is suddenly leveling out! I don't even want to make meth anymore! Maybe I'll open that puppy farm. Malcolm Gus:
I'm glad to hear it. Now, for god's sake, please put on a pair of pants. (cut to a full shot of Gus and Walter; the latter is in his underwear) Doug Walter:
Not until you promise me a cameo in Better Call Saul
- "The door... MUST BE CLOSED!!"
- The Critic takes Tamara and Malcolm's guns away. As he's about to start the review, he accidentally makes one shoot. Then a duck falls down and Tamara grabs it up like the Duck Hunt Dog.
- The Critic actually splitting up Pinky and the Brain makes world peace! He steps outside and there is a magical castle with a rainbow there.
- Read on; it says world peace was caused more by the actions of Commander in Chief Boo, who some people believe is actually a giant...
- When the film says that the annual Purge has caused crime to fall and the economy to boom, Critic notes that it means the Purge works, just like how somebody can take $65 million and apparently make a film like Foodfight! You don't question how illogical it is, "it just works".
- Critic is so amused with Polite Leader's behavior that he wants the guy to get his own reality show, like "Survive a Conversation without Squirting Milk Through your Nose", or even better, a Saturday morning show where he reads to children!
Announcer: Coming to ABC Family, "Reading With Henry".
Jim Jarsoz as Polite Leader: Hello, children. Let's look at Baby's First Mythos. "C is for Cthulhu who sits in his palace in R'yleh. One sight of whom would leave most of us... [He starts laughing silently] Gibbering... Drooling... and Screaming!" Just let us Puuuuurge! *The camera then freezes right on Polite Leader's insane, horrifying face.*
Announcer: Coming this fall to ABC Family!
- "Sooo this world is like the one in Bioshock Infinite, except with none of the cool stuff and double the hypocrisy?"
- A Lannister... always pays... her DEBTS!
Top 11 Best Movie Trailers
Princess Diaries 2
- The opening montage of the Critic and Hyper Fangirl spending the day together, it looks like an Imagine Spot done by Hyper Fangirl but it turns out it's actually happening as she hired an assassin in order to force the Critic to actually go through with it. Made even funnier with the post-montage dialogue.
You're doing a great job by the way. Benny:
to please. Critic: (fake laughs)
- "Come play with us, Mia."
- "The court will recognize the 'yeah' that came from the extremely opinionated ventilating system."
- The Critic and Benny deciding not to be bound by gender roles by watching Expendables 3 while reading Jane Austen.
- Benny's Defrosting Ice Queen persona. At first, he's just holding the Critic at gun-point in the background while he and Hyper Fangirl watch the movie, and occasionally tosses out a comment on what's going on while maintaining a stoic and serious demeanor. Eventually, he ends up sitting between them on the couch riffing the movie along with them.
- Somehow, not updating causes the DVD player to explode, sending Hyper Fangirl through the roof. Complete with Impact Silhouette!
- The Critic shows pictures of starving Genovian children alongside the obscenely expensive party, who include Oliver! and Katniss Everdeen.
- Stan Lee's cameo... no seriously, he's in this movie.
Mr. Lee, Disney hasn't bought Marvel yet. Critic Stan Lee:
Oooh, Disney is buying Marvel? Critic Clarisse:
No, not until years later. Critic Stan Lee:
I didn't know I was Ralph Nader. Critic Clarisse:
You're the President of Marvel! Critic Stan Lee:
I am? Critic Clarisse:
[beat] Don't put him in X-Men: Days of Future Past
. Critic Stan Lee: "I am Groot!"
- The scene where the maids attempt to distract the Grandmother for Mia... by singing "Frère Jacques", dancing, putting pots onto their heads, and then taking them off and clanging them together while singing, "DING DANG DONG! DING DANG DONG!" Not only is that scene surreal in its own right, but the Critic, Benny, and Hyper Fangirl can't help but sit there, all the while watching and staring at the scene more than once, and slowly come to the conclusion that the movie was so desperate to get a laugh that all of the humor in the world has now just slightly died.
- When the maids are introduced, the Critic dubs them in as saying, "come play with us, Mia!"
- Speaking of The Shining references, in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, as the protagonists walk through a hedge garden, they pass by a frozen Jack Torrance.
- The Critic's suggestion that the wedding at the end could be saved if Viscount Mabrey walks up to Princess Mia, whispers "The Lannisters send their regards" and goes from there.
- Benny in the background looking at a game.
- The editing of Clarisse's line:
But you're late, your majesty. Clarisse:
A queen is never late. Everyone else is simply... early. [Cut to Frodo and Gandalf "laughing" at her comeback line]
- Speaking of The Lord of the Rings, Critic uses every opportunity that Viscount Mabrey appears to reference John-Rhys Davies' performance as Gimli, by referring to him as (insert name), son of (insert another name)
- And finally ends on a full circle when Viscount Mabrey tries to scare Princess Mia's horse.
Princess Mia's horse, Sandy, is easily spooked by snakes, so let's get it really spooked, shall we? Guard: That's a rubber snake! Sallah:
Asps! Very dangerous!
- When Mia and the prince hide in the closet.
This is the most cliché hiding place you could've chosen. This is the stupidest hiding place. Gwen:
I'm sorry I didn't take us to the Bahamas of hiding places.
- When Hyper Fangirl hands the Critic a Playboy in order to distract him from realizing she's pandering to his base male desires, Benny leans over to look at it too, and the Critic snatches it away, only for Benny to level his gun at the Critic until he lets Benny look at it too, who instantly grins as he looks on.
- "But it's okay, because the queen has a brilliant strategy to foil the plans of our obvious villain and his nephew: have them live in the palace, of course! Giving them much easier access to steal the crown away."
- This exchange between Hyper Fangirl and Critic as Mia and Clarisse.
Fangirl Mia: You know, Grandma, I've thought up some solutions for this country's economic struggle.
Critic Clarisse: Nope! Sidesaddle.
Fangirl Mia: I recall Princess Di doing a lot of charity work.
Critic Clarisse: Uh-uh. Sidesaddle.
Fangirl Mia: I don't even know the name of one town in this country!
Critic Clarisse: Sidesaddle, sidesaddle! They'll burn you a heretic unless you know sidesaddle! SIIIDESADDLE!!!
- The Obviously Evil villain that is the Big Bad leads to Hyper Fangirl saying that even viewers of Dora the Explorer would catch on to the villain by now.
Fangirl Dora: (over Dora footage)
Hey kids! Can you tell who the villain is supposed to be? Kids:
It's so obviously that guy! Fangirl Dora: No shit
Does American Beauty Still Hold Up?
- Critic overlaying horror music to the "Dancing Bag" scene. It's as hilarious as it is horrifying.
Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance
- "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it BECAUSE YOU WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP!"
- MikeJ reveals that by watching Ghost Rider 2, he's acquired the power to predict anything in the world that's mediocre, including the Critic. To prove it, he guesses the number of fingers the Critic holds up (double Flipping the Bird two times), and what he has in his hands.
- The reason why Film Brain isn't getting back at the Critic for hanging him out to dry in the Purge review? He's still upset over Pinky and the Brain splitting up almost 2 months later.
Film Brain: (while sobbing, with sad music playing) They're laboratory mice. Their genes have been spliced, they're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain Brain, Brain, Brain...
- This jab during Johnny's opening monologue:
Now, I know what you're thinking: doesn't this kid watch movies? Doesn't he know this only ends badly? Well, let's just say thinking wasn't exactly my forte. Critic (as Johnny):
I mean, have you seen
page? It's a train wreck.
- Critic and MikeJ going through the long shot of Johnny Blaze making silly faces at the camera and giving a name for the cartoon character he's playing in each expression, ending with...
- "Its the Mr. Skullhead Show! Starring him Mr. Skullhead!"
- A cameo by Rachel Tietz as Evilina, where she uses her mind to summon a jet plane to crash into Angry Joe.
- Critic getting run over by the Ghost Pony Rider Cameo.
- After the Devil resurrects one of his minions (Blackout) and gives him the power to decay everything he touches, Critic and MikeJ wonders about how Blackout is going to live now that he can't touch anything or anybody... Ending with a sketch of the minion accidentally killing a date and decaying his own penis as he tries to go "solo".
- The joke is repeated after the infamous "Ghost Rider pissing fire" scene when both the Critic and MikeJ ask what it's like to have sex or masturbate when on fire. We cut to Doug as Johnny Blaze right after he has sex with Tamara's character, leaving her... area smoking. Blaze tries to explain that it rarely happens, but when it does it's a big WHOOSH! and that's it. He tells her to call 911 while he finishes "scraping at the door" as he ends up accidentally burning his penis, complete with the same expression of pain and horror.
- The many times the Woody Woodpecker sound effects are used.
- The return of the 'DING DANG DONG' scene from The Princess Diaries 2 for whenever Nostalgia Critic has nothing to say about a stupid scene/line. MikeJ is utterly confused by this.
- MikeJ tells Critic that they must balance out their emotions after [Johnny Blaze turns a crane into a literal giant, fiery chainsaw. Nostalgia Critic pulls out a Jane Austen novel. And he tries to then take a peek at the action sequence as he reads.
- Reacting to the movie using Jerry Springer as the joke vessel for the devil. As the screen cycles through images of Rush Limbaugh, Rod Blagojevich, Bill Maher (believes vaccines cause autism), Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson and Michael Bay, he says "oh, c'mon movie, out of all the funny people you could have put in there, THAT'S the one you went with."
- The implication that the tree which saved Moreau from falling to his death off a motorcycle was patriotically assisting a fellow countryman.
Critic (as the Tree): BONJOU', BLACK MAN! I TAKE IT YOU WERE ZOING ZE TOUR FRANCE, A-HON-HON!
- The inevitable comments about the Cage man's hamminess, especially the "SCRAPING AT THE DOOR!!!" scene.
Critic (as the Director): Uh, Mr. Cage, none of this is in the script. You're supposed to just ask where the kid is and leave. We don't know what you're doing right now, but for the love of God, please don't hurt anybody!
MikeJ (as Cage): I'm sorry, I was doing my impression of Bobcat Goldthwait getting castrated again.
Critic (as Vasil):' (muffled) There's nothing left now! I'm invisible compared to your acting!
- The Stinger, where Malcolm and Jim attempt to watch the movie, but as MikeJ has recorded himself on every copy of the DVD, they instead watch his half of the conversation with the Critic at the beginning, much to their confusion.
Top 11 Worst (By Default) Avatar Episodes
Top 11 Best Avatar Episodes
- Dante Basco thinking he's Zuko. Or, more accurately, a Flanderization of Zuko who constantly uses the word "honor."
- His recap of the episode "The Day of the Black Sun," when commenting about Azula's Practical Taunt:
Critic: So you can imagine what a hard, crippling stab in the balls it is to see how every conceivable thing that can possibly go wrong, go wrong. The Fire Lord knows about the attack and is taken away. Azula is there to distract them and... God damn it, she's pretty damn good without her bending. And just when you think they're going to leave her and find the Fire Lord...
Azula: My favorite prisoner used to mention you all the time.
Critic: Oh no, Sokka, don't let her.
Azula: She was convinced you were going to come rescue her...
Critic: Don't listen, Sokka. No, you've got Nations to save. Don't listen to her, Sokka. Don't— GODDAMNIT, AZULA! YOU'RE SUCH AN EVIL WHORE! Ihateyou, Ihateyou, Ihateyou!
- While running through the Barnes & Noble, Jason (from the Adventure Time vlogs) is seen reading a book on how to pick up women with a taxi cab. Dante burns the book, leading to Jason screaming "MY CAB BITCHES!"
- There's actual text in the book, starting off as a parody of pick-up books, before chiding the viewer for actually pausing the video and reading it, then apologizes and states that he has been editing the video for five days straight without eating.
- In the Making Of of the video, Malcolm just gets the joke as Doug is explaining the scene before shooting, and Rob says he was against having the line in because it was so awful a pun.
- Dante's reaction to The Search? "What an engaging read."
- Critic teaches himself fire-bending by reading a book. He then uses his new skills to fight back against Dante... only for the Critic's fireballs to be the ones from Super Mario Bros. They prove to be ineffective.
- Before he found that book (Which was signed by Sifu Kisu, the martial arts consultant for Avatar and The Legend of Korra), he found two other books teaching how to earthbend (With Manuel Rodriguez imitating Toph's pose on the cover), and how to metalbend (With Bender saying "Kiss my shiny metal ass!").
- The irony of Critic sitting under the self improvement section of Barnes and Noble.
- After Critic realizes his "firebending" is ineffective against Dante, he then tries to rectify this by saying he loved Dante in Slumdog Millionaire. However this too backfires as Critic tries to apologize for confusing Dante with Dev Patel, but is smashed through the comments section after realizing what he just said.
- Dante hitting Critic so hard that he fell out off frame and landed in the video comments. With Critic in turn Flame bending by throwing negative comments at Dante in response to his firebending. Bonus points for intentionally insulting things to cause more comments to pop up that he can throw.
- The recap of "The Crossroads of Destiny" (position #3 on the list).
- His other rant about Azula in his recap of the episode.
- To be precise, his reaction to Zuko's betrayal.
Oh, no, Zuko! No, Zuko, you're not supposed to do that, you're-not-supposed-to-do-that-Zuko!
Come on, you were happy! You smiled! Fuck, look, you smiled!!
That never happens! Why are you doing this?!! Zuko, nooo!!! You're giving up jasmine tea for this! JASMINE TEAAAAAA!!!!
- Immediately followed up by his reaction to Aang being struck down:
If I could borrow from my Chris Tucker folder here... (imitating Chris Tucker)
Oh, hell, no! That did not just happen! That did not just happen!! No, wake up, Aang! Wake up, Aang, no, this is bullshit! You're the last airbender, you're the last Avatar! No, wake up, wake the fuck up, Aang!!
No, this ain't happening! This ain't happening!!
Drink some jasmine tea, Aang! JASMINE TEAAAAAA!!!!
- When Critic leaves Malcolm to fight Basco at the beginning, and when Malcolm realizes that not only is he facing Basco alone, but he's clearly outmatched...
- His description of Maiko: "He's got the emo goth chick. They'll be happily miserable together."
Zuko: I'm never happy.
- The ending, where Dante Basco comes out as The American Dragon, Jake Long.
- Tamara constantly picking the costumes of characters from Dante Basco's works that weren't Avatar, like Captain Hook and Rose. By the time she gets a Toph one, Dante is dressed as Jake Long instead.
Tamara: Oh, fuck you, Dante Basco!
Is Eyes Wide Shut Just Artsy Porn?
- After finishing his editorial, the Critic decides that mask orgies are a good place to meet women and rushes the ending to go head out to one.
- The opening is a parody of the opening of Halloween, with the killer revealed to be JonTron, taking revenge on the Critic for reviewing Food Fight.
- The Critic's snack is a pumpkin hot dog on a pumpkin bun topped with pumpkin ketchup, with the choice of dipping it in pumpkin whipped cream.
- When Cenobite!Malcolm starts flashing in, the Critic complains of heavy foreshadowing. Specifically, dropping a paper number "4" in a spot with some pretty deep shadows.
- The Running Gag of Stephen King in front of the truck saying, "I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right", being played after each plot hole.
- The sign above the bank saying "FUCK YOU", and then the ATM calling Stephen King an "asshole". Critic decides that the "Fuck You" sign is directed at the audience.
- The Critic fawning over AC/DC's music credit, then making fun of Emilio Estevez' screen credit, though if the band decided to coach a youth hockey team, he'd be okay with that.
- "ZUUL, MOTHATRUCKA, ZUUL!"
- "Ah, the '80s. When wearing a Twinkie in your hat would raise no questions whatsoever. Apart from 'Why the fuck do you have a Twinkie in your hat?'"
- Yeardley Smith's character Connie in the movie is considered far worse than her role as Lisa Simpson. So much so that the Critic would just as soon have his throat slit by Lisa's spiky hair.
- "But I guess that can't be as silly as Christine and friends starting to run over people at the truck stop."
- Gozer's drunk sister as the green fog in the sky.
- When the shot of the trucks circling the truck stop is shown, Critic responds with "Nothing more frightening than delivery trucks playing Ring Around the Pussies".
Critic (as the Trucks): [tune of "Here We Go 'Round The Mulberry Bush"] Here we go 'round the idiot stop. It's loaded with fops, whose IQ's have dropped /I think you'll need some Peppermint Schnapps, to get through this damn moooviiiie...
- The advertisement about Maine that may fool you into thinking it's real.
- The Critic even takes note of the Green Goblin face on the Kidz Toyz truck. He says it looks like a ''Mask'' Happy Meal toy and can't take it seriously.
- "FUCK YOU, ICE CREAM!" (truck blows up) That's for never having the Ninja Turtle Bars. I need my gumdrop eyes!
- The running gag of his right hand trying to block out the movie with Emma.
Critic: (shoving hand away) No, stop, I wanna see it! ... by God, she's defying her social class!
- "So as the sun goes down and the trucks continue to circle the place, there's only one logical thing to do: Pork." And two people have sex during the gas station takeover.
Critic Brett: What can I say? Being held hostage by an army of six-wheelers just turns me on.
- The Waitress' mental breakdown and the Critic's reaction.
- At the end of the review, the Critic and Pencilhead go from talking about Stephen King tropes to Leonardo DiCaprio tropes.
The Monster Squad
- In one scene, the side of Dracula's face flashes and becomes a skull as lightning strikes.
Critic: [hungarian accent]
"Whoa-ho, sorry. Just a little twitch I got there! We all get nervous twitches like that sometimes." [Lightning flashes and the the gang's heads are abruptly replaced by various Tim Curry characters]note
- The Running Gag of Tamara not being allowed to join the Token Kids because she's a girl. Later, when the guys admit that maybe they should bring in a girl, they end up rejecting Tamara again, because she changed into a cowboy suit with a moustache. This disguise fools even the token smart kid. When they try again, they end up being scared by the Reality Monster and despite Tamara revealing that she is a girl wearing a cowboy suit, they end up shutting the door in her face in order to hide from the monster.]
- For that matter, before The Reveal of the Reality Monster, the Token Troop try to take a guess at what is coming at their door:
Frankenstein? Geeky Kid:
The Wolfman? Fat Kid: Nards?!
- Jason being a hidden Confederate.
- The fake Pepsi commercials with the tagline "Pepsi: Know any virgins?"
- When Det. Rich Sapir, the funny black cop, is killed by Dracula's dynamite, the gang, most notably Critic, reacts in shock and disbelief. Cut to the clip of George Taylor yelling, "You Maniacs!!!"
- "IT'S SOMEBODY'S PHONE NUMBER!"
- While Dracula is swatting some cops aside, NC dubs in what he's probably thinking:
- When looking for their Ancient Book of Ancientness, Critic grabs Journal #3 from Gravity Falls.
- Tamara destroying the Reality Monster with the only thing that defies reality: Internet comments.
Rise of the Commercials
- The entire Skip-It commercial, with him wondering if ANYONE could use the toy. Leading to the parody "Trip-It", where a boy and girl (played by Malcolm and Tamara) trip on the thing, fall and hit the asphalt. So they sue the manufacturer, take them to court, and win a lot of money in the settlement.
Announcer: Trip-It. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
- The parody of the Campbell's Soup defrosting snowman commercial, featuring Tamara as a little girl literally frozen in place and Doug as an oblivious to the point of abusive father, again.
- Made even funnier by the implication that Tamara's character is still alive (closing her eyes to prevent soup getting in them)... and it was the first signs of life that made the father bolt.
- Critic raving about how awesome the old HBO bumper (the camera flies over an animated city, then the HBO logo appears in the sky and the camera zooms into the 'O') is compared to the new one (HBO logo fades in from static), and asks HBO to update the old one. The resultant commercial is exactly the same as the old, but with Tyrion Lannister edited in.
- Plus, him saying that the old bumper is so epic, that even Jack and Jill would be just a little bit better if it played before it.
- Critic trying to say that boy's toys were cooler than girl's toys despite the commercials for the different toys were pretty much the same just gender swapped, but the girls' toys could do more.
HOW COULD I NOT SEE THIS?!
- The Mentos parody which involves mistreated Skip-It employees brutally beating and lynching their boss. But it's okay, because they have Mentos!
- Critic trying to maintain composure during the douche commercials, but laughing every time they say the word.
- Critic getting squicked out by Lalaloopsy's "Diaper Surprise".
- And taking it to its logical conclusion, where little girls are led to believe that a diaper-change would result in a fun surprise.
- In every single Sunny Delight Orange Juice commercial, without fail, the same thing happens: the kids open the fridge and always push aside the exact same three items in the exact same order to get to the Sunny D jug: soda, then OJnote , then purple stuff. This leads Critic to decide it must be some sort of code to the Stargate.
Soda! OJ! Purple stuff! And the missing piece, the Sunny Delight! Take us to the world where the he-she from The Crying Game
will consume us all!
- This commercial for the Australian release of the NES, with the CGI baddies is traumatizing enough for the Critic to pause it, stare at the screen with a look of shock and terror, and then slowly walk to the bathroom where he screams in a very high pitch while voiding his bowels — not once, but TWICE.
- In 1984, Apple had a commercial for the introduction of the first Macs, and the announcer promises "And you'll see why 1984 won't be like 1984." Critic points out that yes, Apple has lived up to their famous promise, "because as we can clearly see today, no longer are people lined up like cattle for hours and hours on end [photo of a large crowd lined up outside an Apple Store awaiting the release of the latest iPhone model], no longer will people dress alike in cold colorless environments [pictures of Apple Store employees all wearing identical blue shirts, as well as the bland white walls of an Apple Store], no longer will any cultish-style groups gather together to honor a grand controversial leader [pictures of: 1) people wearing iPhone hats, 2) a man with the Apple logo shaved into the back of his head, and 3) Steve Jobs], and most importantly, no longer will we be brain-dead, lifeless zombies who plug ourselves into the machine of life we can also call "The System" [pictures of people in public and on trains listening to music or texting on their smartphones]."
- Two words: Cookie Hitler!
- Suggesting that the reason why everyone in The Wolf of Wall Street is so crazy and over-the-top is because they were playing one of the Star Wars video games from the Atari 2600 with the same level of hyperactivity that the guy in that commercial has when he plays it. As "evidence", he runs "before" footage of Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson in Titanic (1997) talking to Rose's family, followed immediately by "after" footage of DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street while on drugs with Donnie Azoff (Jonah Hill).
Gamer: I'M GOING IN!!
Critic (as Gamer): I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT LINE OF COKE BEFORE PLAYING THIS! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
- The rampant joke fodder spawning from a rather unfortunate turn of phrase in the Honeycomb commercial.
Boy: Open your mouth.
Girl: Close your eyes.
Critic (as Honeycomb Kid): And let Pedophilia Jones do the rest of the work.
- And this commercial is immediately followed by a Canadian PSA — "Don't you put it in your mouth".
Just play it. You all know what's coming. Woman: It's a rape whistle. Critic:
(Making "Ta-Da" pose) Canada!
- "Except if that something in your mouth is the person that you love."
- Critic and Film Brain's invention of their new Chuck Norris meme. They decide that Chuck Norris' recent real-life controversies were all caused by the fact that Chuck just wants everyone to be as awesome as he is by putting a bit of himself in them. Thus coming up with the meme that "cannot be misinterpreted in any way": "Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man."
- every boy" version. And then they recall the boy scouts part of the controversy and also do an "
- When fighting "like an Indian" is described as involving a lot of spinning, Film Brain notes that it sounds like how ballerinas fight.
- "She had a fever..." "And the only prescription, is more cowbell!"
- After the narrator abruptly stops telling his story after the intro:
- This gem:
Kid: Sir, what's a shapeshifter?
Film Brain: I'll give you the first clue, it's in the fucking word.
- The Critic and Film Brain note how dull the musical scoring for the movie is. When a certain "forest theme" plays, they both answer their phones, only to realize it's the movie.
Film Brain: This whole score could be downloaded as an app!
- The Critic points out how absurd it is that the girl in the film is praying to the Mountain by having Joseph and God debate whether to send Clarence down again only deciding not to because he nearly screwed up the universe with the alternate timeline he created.
- After they do the pledge, the Critic and Film Brain toss some powder into a fireplace... which then explodes and startles the two.
Critic: What the hell WAS that stuff?
- Not one, but two hilarious skits: A job interview for bumbling henchmen (particularly the high-fives at the end) and a playground (and kid) getting blown up by a careless work crew!
- The odd sounds of amazement the Corrupt Corporate Executive makes upon seeing Chuck turn into a bear in the climax inspire Critic to comment that he could be a cereal mascot. (The cereal's name is "Goofios".)
- "Hooray for a Native American movie with only one non-speaking Native American in the last five minutes!" "Yay."
- At the end of the review, they realize that Chuck Norris' reputation still hasn't improved. Critic suggests giving him a theme song, and Film Brain offers one suggestion. Cue the two Canadian puppets singing "Don't you put it in your mouth".
Critic: Film Brain, I love you, and I do mean it that way.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Austin Bucks, CEO of Own-All Corp (presumably a division of Google and Disney), dresses in an elf costume to do business with Grandma.
Critic (as Austin Bucks):
I always pointlessly dress like strange characters when conducting business deals. You should see what I wore when I tried to get the rights to Fifty Shades of Grey
! [beat] ... And did
- Critic comparing Jake Spankenheimer's derp-face eyes during an animation goof to the kind of mask a movie serial killer would wear. And the resulting gag in which Jake's derp face is superimposed on top of Jason Voorhees's hockey mask.
- The Critic says the inflatable tree looks phallic, cringing when the inflatable ornaments pop out. Grandpa tells a story about cutting down a tree with a beaver, and Grandma says "The last time you told the story, it was a woodpecker." The Critic says, "So the phallic tree reminds Grandpa of a time when he confused a pecker for a beaver? The song would be much more interesting if you included this stuff."
- The Critic pointing out how the family name "Spankenheimer" sounds like a German porno that takes place in an S&M dungeon:
- The Critic points out that Grandma is pretty hot, alters a photo of her as proof, and points out that the cops even call her a broad.
- "The old broad got run over by a reindeer! Lousy bitch was blind as a one eyed whore!"
- When Mr. Spankenheimer is on the phone calling the police, all we can hear of the cop on the other end is gibberish, until "ALVIN! STOP IMPERSONATING A CITYVILLE COP!" (chipmunk giggling)
- And as for Cityville itself, he quips "Isn't that where The Powerpuff Girls fight crime?" before immediately predicting that everyone would correct him to "Townsville".
- Criticizing the suddenness of "Grandma's Killer Fruitcake," which has no bearing on the plot, which is apparently like a game on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where one must make up a song out of a random word.
Critic: ... So then my grandmother made fruitcake and— [buzzer goes off and piano music begins playing] Oh, really?! "Fruitcake, fruitcake. How do you sing about fruitcake?"
- Of course, one should note that it is a real song; it's just shoehorned into the special in such a way that it adds nothing to the plot.
- "So, what'd you do today, Frank?" "Well, I animated the state of Kentucky belching. Livin' the dream."
- Critic spends the commercial break looking at "proper" Christmas porn (as opposed to looking at Grandma Spankenheimer, whom he referred to as a MILF).
- A Call-Back to Rise of the Commercials:
Gingerbread Man: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!
- Critic pointing out that the story seems to be getting messages mixed by talking about Christmas's true meaning being "giving to others," when Santa clearly exists in this universe (since it is about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer). Mentioning St. Nick stuff makes the special seem to have a very inconsistent backstory. And subsequently, it's parodied:
- When the titular song does play, quite obnoxiously, the song is singing to us what the characters then verbally speak.
♫Critic didn't like this part—♫ Critic:
I don't like this part. Singer:
♫Should we also dictate farts?♫ Critic:
What, are we gonna dictate farts!? [realizes he's saying what the singer has already sung]
What the hell are you doing?! [the singer temporarily cuts off] Singer:
♫I'm singing what you are saying♫ Critic:
Why? It's like putting the Adam West theme in The Dark Knight
. There's no reason for it! Singer:
♫Well they're good 'nough on their own / all we've got's a Grand-MILF to bone♫ Critic:
Will you stop trying to make old ladies hot?! Singer:
♫We have issues—♫ Critic:
Okay forget it! What was I hoping to accomplish, talking to you?
- The Critic really pans the transition for Grandpa Spankenheimer's song, where he tells Cousin Mel he'd rather sing than sign over the lease for the store.
- "My god, a ransom note from Santa! It says 'If you want to see Grandma alive, you'll hand over all the cookies!'"
- After watching Grandma get hit by the reindeer, Jake tells the others what he saw. Cousin Mel and the others start accusing him of making things up and having "Santa-Claus-is-Real Syndrome". As the argument goes on, the Critic interrupts to point out, "OK, guys, while you're having this friendly little chat, there is an old lady face down in the snow freezing to death. I don't think the boy should be as comfortably calm as he is."
- The first time we see the female cop, her voice really reminds Critic of Marge Gunderson, leading him to call the special the "Saturday morning version of Fargo", and the special could be saved with Grandma being fed through a woodchipper.
- Which is given a funny Call-Back near the end, when not-Marge is overdubbed by Marge's "there's more to life than money" speech when arresting Cousin Mel.
- "After nine months, they declare Grandma legally dead and start walking around in funeral clothes (Jake's sister appears in what appears to be a punk rock outfit)... clearly while the sister is going through something..."
- "*sigh* I remember when I had a random poster of a mule on my wall. It was right next to the globe that no kid has ever owned, yet for some reason, keeps popping up in kids room clichés."
- The Critic noticing that Santa Claus has a very Yiddish accent... despite the fact that he represents a Christian holiday.
- "This raises so many puzzling questions! This is, like, the Christmas Da Vinci Code!"
- "Show her her Tweety bird! That'll jog her memory!"
- Comparing the "Grandma's Gonna Sue the Pants off of Santa" song to a very shitty Flash e-card. And then demonstrating with looped animations of the two women singing on either side of a woman's picture with the text, "HAVE A TROPICAL BIRTHDAY, CONNIE! THIS COST ME NOTHING TO SEND YOU!"
- Santa is incarcerated for Grandma Spankenheimer's kidnapping. The newspaper headline reads "Santa in Jail". Critic points out that the actual headline should be "Holy Shit, Santa Claus is Real! Scientists Study Flying Reindeer for Advanced Warfare."
- "Now ah may be an old fashioned lawyer child, but I do say if the cake tastes like shit, you must acquit! Oh, we referenced that already? Oh okay, how about this one? Um, Smokin'!"
- Cousin Mel confesses to everything after each time Jake says "and" in court. Critic decides that saying the word "and" must be the ultimate truth serum:
Critic (as Jake):
And? Critic (as Mel):
And I got a sex change when I was 20! Jake:
And I'm responsible for killing JFK
And I like salsa with puppies, while shoving candy corn up my anus, and licking lollipops made out of the flavored tears of orphaned children! [stills showing that the Jury and Prosecutor look incredibly disturbed by this last revelation] Jake:
- "So, all the Whos in Who-the-fuck-greenlit-this-film..."
- The "I Fucking Love Christmas" song. Absolutely all of it.
- When Critic "Christmas Screams" (there probably is a better term for it) in Tamara's face after she removes his Chill Patch.
- "HELP, HE'S A FUCKING MADMAN! AAAH!"
- "Ladies and gentleman, Jesus Christ on the electric guitar!"
- "Getting higher, feeling wired, I'm inspired, I'm on fire right nooooooow!"
- At one point, he grows gigantic and does a direct reference to the end of the Once-ler's Villain Song.
- Malcom eventually gets a tranq dart into the Critic, chastising Tamara for removing the patch to begin with. As the Critic sings softly, they start walking away.
- Critic's makeup while he's singing "I Fucking Love Christmas."
A Christmas Story 2
- Critic and Jeremy Scott making Christmas Story 2 Egg Nog. The results are so nasty, both puke it out in the sink.
Jeremy: Well, what other reaction would you have expected?
- Critic's observation that the narrator, although doing a decent mimic of the original author, has such a shaky voice that it sounds like he's saying his lines while being held at gunpoint.
Narrator: Randy was a fledgeling Buck Rogers fanatic who had his own way of braving life's little conflicts in this world or any other.
Critic (as Narrator): [hands shaking in fear as he reads from a script in a binder] They forced me to write this or they'd take away my other testicle!! [gun click] I mean, "It was a beautiful day in Indiana...."
- The constant attempts to reference the original movie lead to the Running Gag where Critic yells "Because First Movie!" Each time, it comes out more and more mangled. By the time the film reaches the Jerkass Santa, Critic intentionally sounds like the point's been hammered in so hard that it's made him stupid.
- He also has a graphic of First Movie! that pops up every time he invokes it... which gets more and more poorly spelled as he starts lisping it, until it becomes Derst MOOO-veeee! at the jerk Santa.
Critic: (dopey voice) Oh my god! I remebber dat! I remebber dat! (graphic appears) Ferth MooOOOOOoooOOOOooo-veeeeeeeeh!! (normal voice) This film sucks!
- The "Perverted Ralphie Moments" meter, especially during the scene where he bashes the cymbals a little too enthusiastically behind the girl.
- Critic getting annoyed at how Ralphie's voiceover narration is describing literally everything he's doing onscreen.
Critic (as Ralphie): Then I opened the fridge. I look confused because I heard a strange voice. (NC is confused about the voice) Then I closed the fridge because if not, the cold would get out. (He closes the fridge) I then drank my soda and began walking back. (He walks out of the kitchen) I started with the left foot, then proceeded with the right foot, then proceeded with the left foot, then proceeded with the right foot.
- Critic's reaction to getting hit in the head with a suction-cup arrow with a phone tied to it? "To the average person, this might seem strange..."
- At one point, Benny and Hyper Fangirl escape the room the Critic locks them in by making an extra door using a bobby pin and the complete works of Lewis Carroll.
- Just as bizarrely, their escape puts them in a popup ad for a perfume called Des'prate.
Critic: (incredulous) What are you?
Benny: Adoring Christmas, as you should be.
Hyper Fangirl: We just don't want you to lose the holiday spirit, Critic.
Critic: (infuriated) I swear, if I see your face again, I will lose your HEAD in a CORNFIELD!!
(he angrily slaps the popup ad away, then quickly brings it back)
Critic: Okay, that was really dark and I don't condone that kind of behavior, but nevertheless, PISS OFF!!
- "Christmas: Gimme the Fuckin' Money!"
- While Critic telling off Hyper Fangirl was mostly a Tear Jerker, who didn't crack up after he spontaneously turned into a cheerleader mid-rant?
- "On the evolutionary scale, you're the only one that's walking backwards!"
- Santa Christ's reaction to Critic saying he threw out Hyper Fangirl for wanting him to appreciate Christmas.
Santa Christ: (beat, blinks a couple times)...Wow. You're a douche.''
- After Santa Christ reverses time, one of the flashbacks is him stealing liquor.
What You Never Knew about Christmas Vacation
- His crazed "Let's just get on with it so I can get to Christmas" approach to the review coupled with his disheveled appearance.
- Pointing out that the son later on went to star in The Big Bang Theory or "Geek Black Face" as his fans call it.
Care Bears Nutcracker
- The beginning of the episode has Critic in a catatonic state from, as Malcolm calls it, Christmas withdrawal. He and Tamara then go over movies that aren't about Christmas, but are released this time of year, including Oscar Bait movies. Critic only comes out to moan and point when he sees the poster for the movie, with the two trying to talk him out of it. Gilligan Cut to the next scene of him in a noisy theater.
Critic: (seething with hate) So worth it.
- His reactions to the opening of the TV series, particularly the villains. He thinks Shrieky is a little girl version of Doc Brown, Beastly is one of Gimli's hairballs, and No-Heart is Yen Sid after becoming a Klansman.
- Critic makes fun of the movie's constant use of public domain music from the ballet by inserting his own lyrics.
- Dance of the Reed Flutes: We're gonna use this music in our show / 'Cause it's public domain cleared by the studio / We'll steal it as we please / Slashing composer fees / Although musically but visually, it really blows.
- Trepak (Russian Dance): We're still gonna rip off these damn songs / We don't give a shit if you think it's wrong / You'll associate this tune with Care Bears now / We know it's a pretty lame-ass way to connect any of this to the damn ballet / But it shuts your kids up, so calm the fuck down.
- "Time for a game of disappearing brain cells."
- The fact that the Care Bears are, yet again, helping a blonde, blue-eyed white girl. This causes Critic to start suspecting that maybe the show is prejudiced!
Critic (as First Bear):
Ma'am! We have another sad little girl on the corner of... Critic (as Second Bear):
Does she have blonde hair and blue eyes? First Bear: (*Beat*)
I... don't know what that has to do with anything... Second Bear:
Answer the question! First Bear:
Well, no; she's a brunette with green eyes... Second Bear:
Not interested. First Bear:
But she's threatening others with a machete! Second Bear:
AWAY WITH YOU! (looks at cell phone)
One day, my Führer, we will build the master race. (cuts to an image of Adolf Hitler (with a Care Bear's head) on that cell phone, with audio of one of his German speeches in the background)
- After Funshine Bear blasts the rats with her Carebear Stare, we get this.
- In response to the younger brother yelling "yippee" after hearing the rat king's plan for Toyland, Critic just sits there for a second with his trademark tranquil WTF face before letting out this gem:
Critic (as Peter): (*Beat*)
- Who else sees the Care Bears' distress signal?
Batman: [wakes up] Signal?! Oh, Care Bears. They got it. [falls asleep]
- Saying that they only took the first take of everything the villain said, prompting the actor, Don Francks (wait, Cree Summer's father?!) to worry about finding work after this if they didn't have him do more takes.
Critic (as Don): Are you sure you don't want me to do another take? Are you listening to your iPod?!
- And the repeated irony of the "Care Bears" movie having a major case of not caring.
- "Put my nut in your mouth and bite hard! I don't give a shit how that sounds, I'm in a Care Bears movie!"
- The return of the Alan Dinosaur gag when the main character meets Alan Prince. Critic points a gun at him, quickly ending the gag.
Alan Dinosaur: Al... be going this way.
- When the Critic points out that the Care Bear Stare is used as a weapon to seal the bad guys in their alternate dimension, this results in...
I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate. Peter:
How? Critic (as Egon):
The Care Bear Stare. Peter: (slaps Ray)
I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!
- "As they enjoy the treats of Toyland...without even taking the wrappers off... oh, I don't give a shit."
- This is followed by him pointing out that the animators spelled 'mountain' wrong.
- "... and continue to look around through unfinished Mario Kart levels.
- As the main characters prepare their ballet performance, the Critic keeps pointing out the version with the Holocaust background.
- "And welcome to an early preview of your nightmares tonight."
- "...the Rat King's army gets ready to attack with [shot of the Rat King's army jumping on pogo sticks] OK, who smoked one?"
- One of the funniest Big Lebowski usages ever:
Baby Tugs: All the other Care Bears have special ornaments of their own, and so should we!
Brandt: This is our concern, Dude.
- His reaction when the rat army run in fear when Peter gets tangled up in a coat rack that starts bouncing in their direction: "RUN! A COAT! Wait, what...?"
- His message at the end if there are any more Care Bears movies out there he hasn't reviewed yet: "I. Don't. Care."
- When the Evil Vizier needs a nut opened, and the titular nutcracker is the only solution around.
Critic: Put my nut in your mouth and BITE HARD... I don't give a shit how that sounded, I'm in a Care Bears movie!