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World of Warcraft: Cataclysm
- Yahtzee's unapologetic shilling of his WOW book.Yahtzee: I may have given some subtle hints in the past that I've played WoW before. Subtle hints such as an entire fucking book published by Dark Horse available on Amazon. Buy now, beat the rush!
- Yahtzee describes his frustation with how he sees the hero as lacking any good character traits, and how their only real qualification for being the leader of the rebellion seems to be their Royal Blood:All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing, out-of-touch, mostly silent, privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous — when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it Dirty Dancing.
- The Flat "What" of the Fable III review.
- When describing the plot of the second half of the game, in which the player character must raise six million coins in order to fend off the approaching attack of an Eldritch Abomination, Yahtzee illustrates it with his avatar standing waist-deep in a giant pile of coins going "BWA HA HA", before the evil being shows up and he hurls a coin at it whilst yelling "FUCK OFF".
- "Oh, goody! Now I can go back inside and keep playing Minecraft!"
- The Brisbane floods, where "the sandbag fairy had visited all the good little shops", and the visual puns that follow.
- "With Fisher-Price Shoggoths scratching at the walls, I decided the sensible, level-headed thing to do was to tunnel down into the centre of the Earth".
- "Ohh, shit. When did I become my dad?"
- "Why did it get so dark all of a sudden? What's that rustling sound? Why are my intestines over there now?"
- "Christ, it's like Zelda meets There Will Be Blood!" (with picture of Link being chased by Daniel Plainview wielding a bowling pin)
- "One: Do not rely on fire to clear away your forests unless you want your gameworld to look like the Vietnam War."
- "But as I was trying to think of something to do with all these rocks, I noticed a nearby mountain, and thought 'You know what that's crying out for? A Skull Fortress! With flaming towers and eyes that weep lava (because he's depressed by all the kamikaze shrubs).'"
- Creepers: "It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge!" Illustration: Yahtzee running at Fable III with explosives strapped to his body.
- His entire rant about the appeal of building anything with his example being a golden giant cock and balls.
- The absolutely best line of that segment has to be when he compares Minecraft to Garry's Mod:"If you can just clap your hands and summon fifty explosive barrels to pile ragdolls around, the spectacle is about as fulfilling as eating your own snot."
A Shadow's Tale
Dead Space 2
- Dead Space 2 ramps up the poignancy of the slaughter by initially setting it in children's classrooms full of "blood-stained crayon drawings reading 'I love Mummy and being alive'."
DC Universe Online
- Yahtzee's anal reason for not reading serial comic books.Yahtzee: I'm not into ongoing comics, because to my mind a good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended. Because if you just keep going, then eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all your internal organs out your sphincter until only a foul-smelling shell remains, and anyone who wants to get in on your incredibly long poo gets turned off because they need to have gone through all the poo up to that point to have all the necessary context and this is where the analogy is breaking down somewhat.
- Yahtzee's reason the real reason why comic book fans would want to play.Yahtzee: It's probably for fans only, but then again surely fans are the ones who'd want their own identities so they could introduce their self-insert fan-fiction character who arm-wrestles Batman and gets into a threesome with Wonder Woman... and another Wonder Woman.
- After commenting on how some viewers didn't know whether Yahtzee was recommending a game or not."So in the name of keeping things nice and clear for you touchy sods, let me as unambiguous as possible in this critique. MindJack is Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Play it."
- Made more hilarious by the Visual Pun: each repetition of "Fucking" adds the word to the hammer he's about to use to bludgeon the game, each repetition of "Bad" and "Don't" shows him bludgeoning the game, and the "Play it" line has him kicking the game off a cliff.
- "So, fuck modern technology right in its cutting edge! Oww!"
Kirby's Epic Yarn
Dragon Age II
- Amazed at the level of cultural representation this game manages to pull off, Yahtzee muses on the possibility of a British equivalent in which "you play a bobby in Olde London Towne healing up by eating fish 'n chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles." He then shows the box art, which is titled Constable Blimey Chips.
- "I did check, and it is extremely possible to make a Mii who has what looks like a cock for a face. It's equally possible to name him 'Senor Koquonfaes' (pronounced "Cock-on-face") and make him your street pass ambassador who greets every 3DS owner in the vicinity with the phrase 'I'M WATCHING YOU' in block capitals. Then all you have to do is walk past the primary school and listen for the losses of innocence."
- Discussing the console's version of Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory and its "slapdash 3Difying":"I refuse to believe that no one at Ubisoft QA put their hand up at any point and said: 'Hey, isn't the sky supposed to be behind the sea?'"
- The 3DSes of Yahtzee and his friend's don't recognize each other, making him assume that the other 3DS "just didn't want to associate with riffraff" because it had more Streetpass hits than his. Complete with the friend's 3DS turning its nose at Yahtzee's while wearing a top hat and holding a cane.
- Yahtzee's "What the hell is wrong with me?" moment when he reacts with joy at seeing a gathering of children in a park so that he could leave little deposits in their pockets and butt bags.
- "COME ON IN! TAKE OFF YOUR COATS! HAVE A SEAT! Not in the big chair. I'm going to sit in that and gloat at you. (How about them Nintendogs, eh?)"
- The Credits Gag at the end of the review, set up at the start with "Early on, in my overpaid sequence of lucky breaks that only the most bitterly sarcastic observer would call a career..."Sure was a nice career I almost had there.
- Yahtzee's history with the original Portal makes him a little hesitant to release a definitive statement on the sequel's quality. The result is almost two minutes of increasingly convoluted metaphors, until:"Portal 1 was a big delicious jam doughnut with cream on top, and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepard's pie in the other, and- LOOK AT ME DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE! DANCEY, DANCEY, LA-DI-DAH"
- "Portal is the only game I've been unable to fault in - it's like Ahab and Moby-Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people." [or an imp on a bucket in this case]
- The icing on the- ...French Fancy!
- Yahtzee talks about the complications with puzzles, depicted by Rubik's Cubes in this case:"The attitude of Portal 2's single-player is best summarized by two separate occasions within it when a puzzle is interrupted by a story section. You see, Portal 1 was at heart a puzzle game with a really good framework. Portal 2 is a sight-seeing tour that begrudgingly has a puzzle game in it. The campaign is fit into three major puzzle sections broken up by connecting sequences, and by God, do some of those connecting sequences drag on. I hope you like playing 'hunt around this huge, detailed environment for the one solitary patch of portalable wall and move on to the next big fuck-off room.'"
- The conclusion:"Whatever you take from this video, don't let it be that Portal 2 isn't worth your time, because it most certainly is. Were it in any other position it would accumulate enough of my saliva to run all its household plumbing for several days. Unfortunately, Portal 2 is in the uncomfortable position of necessarily having to be compared to Portal 1. And taking both games as wholes, it can't possibly have the same impact. Certainly there's more of it, but that just makes it flabbier. And it's still funny, but more in a broader, custard pie to the face sense than in a finer, snooker cue to the bollocks sense. It's a quantity over quality issue. It's the difference between having a punnet containing three nice, plump cherries or one containing five nice, plump cherries and a handful of sawdust. You're either left wanting more or left with a mouth tasting like a pigeon's been roosting in it."
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
- His description of the enemy variety: "Utterly nutterly butterly."
- "And if you're playing the XBLA version, on a widescreen TV, there'll be massive big pictures of Alucard and Dracula either side of the screen glaring at each other for the whole game like both are waiting for the other to own up to eating all of Mrs. Dracula's pies." (Mrs. Dracula is dead, by the way.)
- Toward the end of the review, Yahtzee calls the game "Skimpy Nightie", "Sexy Underpants", and "Dirty Knickers".
- Commenting that the X-ray attacks indicate your character had a skeleton for a stepfather and they have some issues to work out. Said skeleton wears a hat, smokes a pipe, and asks "When is your useless son going to get a job?"
Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)
- The beginning of this video has Yahtzee feeling like a fool of himself since his joke "review":Yahtzee: Well, this will teach me not to open my big, fat cake socket. "There goes Old Man Yahtzee," cry the children of the village. "He's the chump who decided that just because Duke Nukem Forever hadn't come out in thirteen years and its developers had gone down the plughole that it was safe to make a joke review that hinged entirely on Duke Nukem Forever never actually seeing the light of day, but now it has and he has so much egg on his face that you could slap him with a frying pan and call him an omelette. Har har har."
- To which Yahtzee replies:Yahtzee: "That's quite a needlessly complicated chant you've got going on there, children of the village. But the point of my joke review, which I'm not surprised has slipped by your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome-addled minds, was not 'Duke Nukem Forever will never be released' [cue the Yahtzee caricature opening his big Canada mouth like Pac-Man and going "Dyook New Cum wheel neffer beeweeweesed"] but 'Duke Nukem Forever probably should never be released,' [the word "should" replaces the word "wheel"] because nothing they produce could live up to thirteen years of anticipation. [cue the sleeping imp] Reality will always disappoint when compared to the things we can imagine, because everything I imagine has a set of massive tits that lactate creamed rice." Still, the actual Duke Nukem Forever of reality is certainly well-served in the tits department.
- To which Yahtzee replies:
- Yahtzee saying he tries to go into reviews unbiased, and an imp whips out a Hammer of Lies, prompting Yahtzee to explain that he tries but isn't always successful.
- This one:Yahtzee: I guess I want it to be good because that's how the story's supposed to end. [cue the Yahtzee avatar reading a book to an imp and saying, "And they all live happily ever after."] After fourteen years of sneering bullies making the Did Not Finish joke, the plucky, never-say-die Duke Nukem should finally turn around and silence those guffawing shits. [the Duke Nukem Forever game pops out of the roof of the 3D Realms house, goes "Aha!" and jumps down on top of the bullies, crushing them to a bloody pulp] Well, Duke Nukem has certainly put an end to all those jokes, if only because they're now more tragic than funny. [a girl goes up to the puddle of blood and says, "Daddy?"]
- The ending goes into Black Comedy:Yahtzee: [as the scene cuts to the bearded Yahtzee trying to cut his beard with scissors] So, this is how the anticipation ends, people. First show of the long-awaited comeback tour and the singer's hanged himself on the microphone cord. But he's trying to sing anyway, forcing on a smile and choking out lyrics in between grotesque spasms, and you're wondering whether it's kinder to cut him down or swing on his legs to help him on his way.
Alice: Madness Returns
- "And then Alice promised never to tell her parents."
- The second mid-credit stinger.Once I tried to seduce a girl by putting a Drink Me label around my knob, but she did something horrible with a cocktail umbrella...
- "What I'm saying is that I don't see Alice: The Madness Returns making mad returns, neh heh nyehh..."
Shadows of the Damned
- While talking about the development team, Yahtzee has a brief dialogue with the audience, whose words are accompanied by a slide whistle:"The music's done by Akira Yamaoka-WHO?"The guy who did the music for Silent Hill."WHAT'S THAT?(frustrated) "A series with really good music."OH.
- Also, "Suda, bless his heart, has always had what you might call a long-distance relationship with normalcy." Accompanied by a representation of Suda running around in the background, holding a giant rubber duck over his head and screaming.
- "Oh there you are, Suda, you randy old bastard!"
- "Attention, hardcore gamers. Stop chewing on that piece of wood and listen."
- "[God Hand] was another game that sailed out of Port Sensible on the HMS Quirky."
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3 D
- He names Link "Fuck me", leading to a moment where Navi says "Fuck me, it's cold in here."
- From the same review, when he says that the N64 "showed you more affection as a child than your parents ever did", and the graphic is a dad whipping a spider at a little kid hugging his N64.
- "Even the final boss fight gave me no trouble at all, except when that fairy dipshit started thinking about her favorite fairy boners or something."
Call of Juarez: The Cartel
- Yahtzee's rage at the idiotic AI partners.Yahtzee: The game still introduces all that business of hidden agendas and warns you to get an extra special close eye on those crafty partners of yours, but the A.I. don't go after collectibles. They usually just stand there staring at you with gormless, uncomprehending eyes. They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The A.I. will pile into the backseat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth. And as I said, they can't aim for shit. But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes "You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know!" There is no middle finger big enough!
- Also, "But before Guatemala can start getting worried, the US government sets up a special task force to take down the cartel, a coalition of FBI, DEA, LAPD... uh... BBC, TCP/IP, LOL..."
Bastion and From Dust
- The beginning:Yahtzee: I always feel around this time of year that playing nothing but AAA mainstream games is like eating McDonalds for every meal of the day, and my mental equivalent of my intestinal tract is about ready to slither up my throat, pop out my mouth, and go look for food on its own. [Intestinal tract: I'm off.]
- Yahtzee keeps calling Bastion "Sebastian" or "The Bastion".
- "[Bastion] is a 2D, isometric, hacky-slashy but also long-rangy fighty clustery mobby thing." [cue a cluster of imps ganging up on the game]
- "Your task is to assist in the construction of a floating stronghold from which a new society could be formed by going to missions and murdering everything that moves, [cue the protagonist slicing an imp in half] as well as quite a few things that don't move, too. The environments are absolutely littered with clashing terrain, enemies, [portrayed by imps] and destructible furniture, and together with the isometric viewpoint - which is to confusing perspective what the Thames was to cholera - it all looks a bit of a mess - which is, funnily enough, something else people say about the Thames."
- Story + Gameplay = "Stogamryplay"
- Without interrupting gameplay - much - the story is told by an ongoing and disturbingly sexy narration by someone who appears to have replaced his lungs with two chocolate profiteroles."Aww yeah, that boy found a big old w—"
- "That said, if you are going to have two endings based on the last decision we make in the game, [Yahtzee comes to the fork between Pepsi and Coca-Cola] for fuck's sake put a save point before it, because I've now got the entire last mission of the game stuck in my head like it's "Oh, What a Night" by The Four Seasons."
- Yahtzee talks about Eric Chahi, the creator of From Dust:
- The conclusion:"Of the two games herein discussed, I think I prefer Sebastian. He feels a bit richer and doesn't spend so much time rolling around in the dirt. But then again, we'll never find out if Sebastian gets better if you get bored and drop five hundred tons of molten stone on someone's conservatory."
- The end credits shows a muscleman imp on the beach with a male and female imp. As the muscleman imp moves away, male imp wears a mask, hammer, and shovel as he moves out. The muscleman imp goes to the female imp lying on the beach, when a dirt mound (shoveled by some male imp) drops on top of them, burying them both.
- "What if God were one of us and he had a big shovel?"
- "...Catherine, a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships, such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant, monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?"
- (Increasingly amused)"... there's a moral choice aspect where you answer questions based on your own substantial experience with relationships *stifled laughter* "
- The part in the video where the main character chooses Qatherine (an imp with a bow) over Catherine or Katherine (the two choices in the game).
- Having asked if the two similar names will be confusing in dialogue, there's a scene that assigns the wrong personality to each K/Catherine. "I knew this would get confusing!"
- Even better, the Updated Re-release of Catherine, subtitled Full Body, does actually feature a new character named Qatherine.
- "...like men are all direction-less tidal waves and women are all dykes built in the way of their raging flood. Blimey, what a badly worded metaphor."
- "WOMEN ARE ALL DYKES" - Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
- "Wait, what was I supposed to be fixing again? OOH LOOK A PUPPY!"
- "I watched an anime once. Dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst! I wouldn't mind, but he missed!"
Red Faction: Armageddon
- Talentless Hateful Queers
- "After all, if a man previously of fluctuating but basically stable health suddenly suffered a massive coronary as all his arms and legs flew off, his doctor would probably want to talk about it."[the man's heart flies off of his chest before losing all his limbs in an explosion; imp doctor comes over and says "Christ!"]
- Describing the magnet gun:Yahtzee: Mind you, ["Mind Dew"] I was a keen repeat customer to the magnet gun. This is a thing that lets you fire two hooks who are still in the first giddy weeks of being in passionate love with each other. [crescent moon hooks look at each other and kiss] So once they're both fired they speed towards each other as the music swells, bringing with them whatever terrain or enemy they happen to be attached to. [one hook drags in the imp on the left; the other drags in "a hard place" on the right] It's a sound strategy - and, perhaps more importantly, a right laugh - to make a targeted monster bounce up and down off a stucco ceiling like a salivating yo-yo, [imp gets shot by a magnet gun and bounces up and down the ceiling] but it has the same problem as the biscuit buildings in that it's just kind of there.
- The conclusion:Yahtzee: Erm, not to dampen your sense of victory, Darius, mate, but why didn't you [fix the terraforming machine] three years ago right after it broke, you dumb, bald twat!? Forget what I said earlier: you feel as guilty as you fucking like. And you too, THQ. This game's plot is like an audiobook that someone left in their trouser pocket during the wash. [audiobook starts with, "It was the best of ti—" before the words turn into a loud word scramble]
- His explanation on how the same studio managed to put out both Daikatana and Deus Ex in the same year."That may seem like incongruous behavior for a game developer, but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledgling Ion Storm was split into its good half and its evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas, which produced Daikatana and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables, and the good half was Ion Storm Austin, which made Deus Ex and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of the good little boys and girls."
- His sarcastic jab at people who put all their skill points into swimming and poison resistance is funny enough, calling their brains "a permanent consolation prize," but his reasoning for why someone would do that is that they have to visit Queensland. This is shown by splicing in a picture of a lovely beach, offset by a sign reading "BOX JELLYFISH / WATCH THE FUCK OUT."
- About the tranquilizer gun:"It's supposed to be for stealthy no kill runs, but it just makes enemies run around screaming for five minutes before falling over, and that's not very tranquil. That's like inventing an antidepressant that makes people believe there's free money inside their wrists."
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
- "Since this is a prequel, Adam is presumably a precursor to the obsolete mechs from Deus Ex 1, which seems odd because Adam's augs are all really sleek and Gunther Hermann looked like he'd spent a few years banging his head on the Large Hadron Collider."
- His description of the final boss as "the kind of nightmare Philip K. Dick might have while being spooned by H. R. Giger", and the Running Gag of whipping vending machines at NPCs.
Driver: San Francisco
- The beginning of the review:"Wanna hear something crazy? Titty fuck Labrador swimming up the nile. Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent? Julia Roberts was once hospitalized for swallowing an entire vole. Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent and true? Driver: San Francisco may well end up in my top five of the year!
- "SERVE AND PROTECT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."
- "You may notice that when you exit your body the A.I. takes control of your vacated car, so it keeps chasing the baddies while you look for civilians to sacrifice to the god of head-on collisions. 'Serve and protect,' etc. It's hard not to look at that sort of thing and say 'Hey, I'm not entirely convinced you guys really need me here. I'm just gonna go get a sandwich, you want anything?'"
- "He's in pursuit of a crimelord who's out to steal Christmas from the orphans, or something. It's not important."
- "Yes, it kind of is so fucking goofy that Disney would file a restraining order, but..."
- The sarcastic, white-bread hero saying "I guess I'm well-bread" and the well-written NPC saying "Looks like I'm bread for success."
- About the out-of-body experiences:
- "There's also rather obnoxious rubberbanding at times - ha-HA! yes, I can swing the driving game lingo now! - to the point that most of what you do during a race doesn't amount to shit until the last few checkpoints. Once, I was in last place and spun out two checkpoints before the end, so I decided to wait sulkily by the side of the road until the mission failed and I could restart. But it didn't fail. All my fucking opponents parked around the next bend waiting for me to catch up for a halfway exciting finish, the condescending gits."Imp: Where's he gone?
- The end credits in which a spirit possesses a food truck driver, who gets out of the truck and eats himself fat; then when his astral projection tries to get out of his fat body, he notices that his fat spirit is overweight and falls to the ground.
- The beginning:Yahtzee: One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It will be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an avalanche of zombie games, movies, and reinterpretations of classic literature. I'll call it Enough with the Fucking Zombies Already. [game title says, "Enough with the Danging Zombies Already", with the word "Resurrection" covering "Already"]
- About trailers:"Dead Island is a wonderful case for why you should never watch trailers, as if we needed one. It generated positive buzz from its very well-directed first trailer, but since it was pre-rendered we should all have twigged then that it might as well have been a random episode of Danger Mouse for all it told us about the actual game. Unless it was proposing to be some kind of "throw small children out of windows in reverse slow-motion" simulator, [a boy imp gets thrown out the window] which on reflection I would totally buy." [the game arrives wearing a sombrero and going "Arriba!"]
- "So, here's a sneak peak to the soundtrack to a lot of Dead Island: 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'SPLAT!'"
- The Yahtzee sprite finding out he's on "Bread Island" in the stinger.
- "Honestly, at this point you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam, you'll have to make papier-mâché zombie facsimiles just to get through the day."
- Yahtzee wrote a book about jam causing the apocalypse.
- And his image for the Daleks is toilet plungers strapped to two trash cans.
- "You'll spend a lot of time standing over a pile of dead bodies [resembling imps] frantically doing the can-can until they stop moving."
- About melee attacks:Yahtzee: ...as many games have done before, we fail to realize that melee-focused first-person combat only worked in Condemned because you were usually restricted to fighting one down-on-his-luck pauper at a time, and drunkenly flailing your way out of a dogpile of screaming fast zombies [imps gang up on the Yahtzee avatar] gets very confusing and very frustrating [scene cuts to Yahtzee with a controller on his neck and holding his real head] when half of them seem to be attacking you from inside your own torso. [imp flies out of Yahtzee's waist] "Frustrating" really is the word, especially when they wheel out the big lads [resembling a muscleman imp] who knock you on your arse if they so much as brush dandruff off your shoulder.
- "When you have fifteen quest givers all packed together in the same survivor shelter so the minimap has more exclamation marks than a comic book series intended to raise awareness of Tourette's syndrome, [comic book yells out "Ass"] I get major sidequest exhaustion." List of things on Yahtzee's back:
- About the escort quests:Yahtzee: Characters you have to escort don't follow you; they run on ahead and have a curious blind spot to vehicles. I swear, more than once I found myself driving a car very slowly alongside an escort character on foot, saying "Hey, uh, more power to you for getting your cardio, but you probably wouldn't be picking so much of yourself out of other people's teeth if you got in the fucking car. [imp chews on the escort character] Please? You can pick the radio station?" They also vastly overestimate their chances against the zombies and will charge in swinging a bit of twig like they're fucking Zorro.
- "So, to conclude my arguments..."
- His surprise that the game isn't a cover-based FPS, lets you carry more than two weapons and doesn't have regenerating health. He sounds genuinely taken aback."Um... Sony, are you alright?"
So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics, and regenerating health...wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, Resistance 3 does not have regenerating health! Holy bum nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at onc - I can carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a Freeze Ray and a lightning rod and something I like to call the Jimi Hendrix Experience because it makes people puke themselves to death.
- The part leading up to it was no slouch either:
- His over-the-top analysis which causes him to believe they ripped off Half Life 2.Yahtzee: The overarching plot is really just a weak framing device for a handful of different encounters along the course of a post-apocalyptic road trip, such as the nighttime chapter set in a slightly nonlinear abandoned coal-mining town infested with the undead, during which you team up with the town's slightly mad priest and... wait a shotgun-cocking second! That's a word-for-word description of Ravenholm from Half-Life 2, except you can't fire circular sawblades at people or drop cars on their heads, so what's the bloody point? And then there's the fact that the climax involves the destruction of an alien control tower in the middle of a conquered city that's creating a wormhole to alien space on top of it, which was how Half-Life 2: Episode 1 ended.
Now I think about it, fighting techno-soldier ex-humans converted by a nebulous alien agenda smacks more than a little of Half-Life 2's Combine - wha, Combine? Chimera? They both start with C and have seven letters! That can't be a coincidence. And look, Insomniac Games! If you rearrange the letters ("Amassing Income"), lose some of them and add a few more, you get "We Want To Be Valve!" Look at it from the right angle and suddenly it all becomes clear, like one of those 3D Magic Eye pictures. In the developer credits at the end, Insomniac Games just has a list of names with no job titles like Animator or Environment Jizzmopper, the same way Valve does credits. What is it about this that's making me picture Buffalo Bill swaning about with his landing gear stowed?
Well, you know what, great. You're gonna copy someone, copy Valve; I love those guys. But when I say that, I mean copy their methods. Don't highlight large sections of Raising the Bar and Ctrl-C Ctrl-V it into your design doc. A rather awkward question comes to mind: all that nonregenerating health, ten weapon slot, non-cover based shooting malarkey that earns the gameplay a pass — is that all there because you thought it'd be fun or because it's what Half-Life 2 did? Maybe I'm not giving Resistance 3 enough credit. It's not like it's totally wearing a Half-Life 2 skin suit. There are bits where they rip off Metro 2033 instead - no, bad Yahtzee!
Giving the benefit of the doubt, Resistance 3 is very solid and well worth a - wait a minute! The scientist has a beard! What did you do with the rest of the body, Insomniac?!
- Yahtzee explains why he bought a Kinect:"Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour so what I'm basically saying is that I'm basically like the Pope."
Batman: Arkham City
- Bruce Wayne is depicted with the words "Not Batman" written on his chest.
- "[Catwoman's] also a lot less fun to explore the city with, because instead of glidy wings and hookshots her method of getting around is to whip onto the tops of buildings and then smash straight into a wall. Then she has to hop her way up the wall in a sort of 'No, really, I meant to do that' kind of way, leaving another bloody imprint of her increasingly two-dimensional face to congeal on the brickwork. She also has her own Riddler trophies to gather, so I guess the Riddler feels he has to prove that he's smarter than her, too. But if the Riddler is sitting with his feet up watching the security cameras with a question mark-themed mug of milky tea while Catwoman is out headbutting masonry and picking up his litter, I think it's pretty self-evident who's smarter."
- Explaining the box art of the Battlefield series and other shooter games:Yahtzee: The cover of Battlefield: Bad Company 2 experimented with a groundbreaking image depicting a slowly walking soldier with a big orange smear all down his front like he had an accident with a lasagna, imagery so striking they've used exactly the same thing for Battlefield 3. Only now he's walking away from a city, as if to say "I am never going to that restaurant again!" [a "Tom's" sign appears over a restaurant, kind of a nod to "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega]
- "Anyway, the modern realistic shooter random villain generator today landed on terrorists, with Russians in the secondary villain roll and a nuke as the principle MacGuffin..." Yahtzee compares that to the six-sided die roll on one side as follows:
- Rouge general
- The Joker
- ...followed by another six-sided die roll on the other:
- "[Battlefield 3 has] got more pop-in than a warehouse full of jam jar lids." [imp jumps upside-down with a "pop" over the jam jar lids]
- Yahtzee talks about his pet peeve in the game, the Quick Time Events:Yahtzee: For an all too brief, happy time, I thought I'd achieved at least one thing in my life [a happy Yahtzee is sitting at the desk under a rainbow with a thought balloon of a Yahtzee statue that says "Press X to Not Die. He Saved Us All."] in communicating that QTEs are gameplay design at its absolute worst because they're essentially the same as pressing the unpause button on a DVD remote [an imp with a knife jumps to attack Yahtzee, frightening him while a finger presses the unpause button] except you have to rewind the film five or ten minutes if you don't do it fast enough. But never let it be said that EA have ever allowed themselves be bossed around by common sense. Except Battlefield 3's QTEs are often that variety that's somehow even worse gameplay design, where there's a rather insultingly generous time limit on pressing the button. [the same imp with a knife hanging on a string jumps in to attack Yahtzee while the game is asleep] So it's not even "press X to not die," it's "press X to continue whatever it was you were doing." ["Press X to Not Die" changes to "Press X to Thumb War"] It often happens during scripted melee combat sequences, so your attacker will just repeatedly punch you in the face until you press the button to block him or point out an interestingly shaped cloud, although I might recommend holding off for an hour or two if you want to actually get some amusement out of all this.
- And this one:Yahtzee: On one occasion, the game instructed me to go to point B, but I hung around point A for a while - because I'm stubborn like that - and I started hearing ambient sound effects from point B, like the game had already assumed I'd obeyed like a good little drone. Then I had a game over during a chase sequence when I caught up with my pursuee too quickly, and the words "Game Over. You failed to catch Mr. Terrorist-Pants" faded in over the sequence of me catching Mr. Terrorist-Pants.
- And this one:
- The Running Gag of Yahtzee getting shot with bullet holes and dying, especially in the escort missions toward the end:Yahtzee: I had to escort a comrade with a wounded prisoner [portrayed by an imp] out of a building and be picked up by an Osprey outside, but it turned out the terrorists [portrayed by more imps with a "!" over their heads] were using the building for their annual bullet sampling party. And since m'colleague felt there was no better body armor than a mission-critical prisoner, I had to go out and shield them with the sturdier parts of my face. And then we got outside, fighting off terrorists as we went, and once he was inside the Osprey I ran out of cover to follow before bouncing off a big fat invisible wall at the bottom of the ramp and being turned into a bullet and combat gear burrito. "Escape not sufficiently exciting," went the game. "You must reach a minimum level of excitement before continuing." You must reach a minimum level of suck my cock, Battlefield 3.
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
- Yahtzee begging for Drake to kill an American in a possible Uncharted 4, so he can be assured that Drake isn't the embodiment of America declaring a one-man war on the entire world — or at least an Australian, so he can finally find out if the game is deliberately trying to Troll him.
- And the bit before this:Yahtzee: But as much as I've joked that Nathan Drake is a one-man declaration of war by the United States upon the entire rest of humanity, I'd like to finally move past that. (beat) I'd like to, but I fucking can't, because now he's after me!
- And the bit before this:
- Drake is shown walking along a cobble street into an English pub (entitled "The Cock and Balls"), and, as Yahtzee describes it, "with a motherfucking red phone box out front!" (cue red phone box and an arrow with the words The Fuck Is This pointing to it)
- Yahtzee thinks that Drake would be more admirable if he just admitted he was in it for the gold.Yahtzee!Drake: I want enough money to buy a concubine for every square inch of my cock.
Yahtzee: A whole three concubines, Drake?
- The assumption that Drake and Elena keep splitting up in-between games because they have little in common once the adrenaline rush wears off. Drake apparently enjoys watching Time Team and going to blackface minstrel shows.
- Noting how the enemies in the game have terrible survival instincts since they all choose to fight Drake in extremely dangerous situations where they really should be more concerned with their own safety:"...enacting gun battles in collapsing buildings, sinking ships, dangling out the back of a plane, and on the surface of a flaming meteorite that's speeding towards a lion."
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
- His reaction to the plot of the game when Russia somehow invades all of Europe at once:"Now, I've never invaded Europe, except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately."
- "The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?! Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President — you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- "Well fuck you, Ulfric Stormcloak, I don't have to help you wash your hairy bagpipes, I can breathe radioactive lasers!"
- "Like this one undead lad who hit like a runaway ice cream van but who seemed to forget all about me whenever I left the room, so I ended up taking potshots from the door like the world's worst Jehovah's Witness."
- "Oh yes, and take my advice: get a horse. The horses in Skyrim just do not give a fuck. If there's anything in a half-mile radius that means you harm your horse will not rest until it has been powdered."
- "Oooh, look at Sir Alan Sugar over there, he's too rich and important to adventure properly. Would you like to skip to the ending cutscene because you have to go and buy a new aeroplane before the shop's shut?"
- "But having spent so many weeks getting forced down corridors of every size and shape like the last bit of toothpaste in a tube being manipulated by the flabby, uncoordinated hands of a fat prick, getting yelled at because one of the many specks I haven't fired bullets at yet is holding another speck that can fire rockets, I was exactly in the right mood to get out in the open, feel the wind in my hair and the rolling epic landscape beneath my feet. So to that end, I stopped playing video games and left the house. Ha, not fucking likely!"
- "Ëven the all-powerful, world-ending Godzillas are surprisingly easy to outsmart by positioning a large rock between you and it. I can never quite be free of cover-based combat, can I, current-generation gaming?"
Saints Row: The Third
- Yahtzee laments the lack of a socks option for customizable clothing. "So I can no longer wear fishnets under a sensible business suit and role-play as a Conservative MP."
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
- When he's describing the annoying fairy sidekick: "You suck a man's cock Bing! 'Link, I have calculated that you are sucking a man's cock! There is a 70% chance that you should now cradle his balls!'" Which is made even funnier by how the censor bar says "Hey! Listen" on it.
- "I found a plot hole! NUUUUUUURSE!!"
- On the padding:"First you prove yourself for the Master Sword, then you prove your worth for the three sacred flames, and then prove your worth a few more times for the song of the hero. If I were Link, I would throw the sword down and yell: 'Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?!' I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house, and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes!"
Top 5 of 2011
- The intro descriptions of the rankings accompanied by appropriate sound effects are funny enough, but the crowners are the third worst: "Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over" followed immediately by the second best: "Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over and discovering she's into that".
- Comparing the worst game, or rather, games, of the year to "being cockslapped by your own herniated bowel."
- "Oh, happy new year, by the way."
Super Mario 3 D Land & Rayman Origins
- "Rayman is a character Ubisoft have never really known what to do with. Never quite breaking out popularity-wise because honestly, who could like a character whose hands and feet have no visible connection to their torso?"
- He liked Rayman Origins, but didn't like Super Mario 3D Land, causing Yahtzee's criticism to eventually devolve into "Aaah..." and "Grrr!", respectively (ending in a series of them: "Aaah... Grrr! Aaah... Grrr!").
- The Stinger where Yahtzee's ball arm is pulled away like in Rayman and the space between himself and the extended arm is cut with a pair of scissors. Cue blood and screaming.
- "Any celebration of Sonic at this point is like breast-feeding a 17-year old: extremely too late. And it would probably get you thrown out of a restaurant."
- "But lest you accuse the game of putting them in for fanservice - although I'd hate to think what kind of fan was baying for a return appearance of Charmy the fucking Bee."
Star Wars: The Old Republic
- "But I'm afraid I couldn't find any XBLA games that could be meaningfully linked to Amy, because there aren't any games about making your way down a corridor dragging a large steel safe chained to a metal ring around your throat, or any games about smashing your head into a septic tank until blood and shit runs down your face into your screaming mouth and down your throat until you choke and puke and it all comes out your nostrils."
- "Basically, what I'm saying is it isn't very good. Did that come across?! IT ISN'T VERY GOOD!"
- "Using the word "escort" to describe core gameplay is like using the words "bloody and viscous" to describe a urine sample..."
- Amy in general is one of his better recent reviews. Like Halo Wars which was mentioned before, he really dislikes this one, and truly shitty games seem to bring out the best in him."Aww, I'm sorry the monster-infested post-apocalyptic death city wasn't providing quite enough stimulation for you, sweetheart. I know where there's never a dull moment: my fucking S-bend!"
- "I mean, Alex from Silent Hill: Homecoming rolling around the city streets like Sonic the fucking Hedgehog was just dumb!"
- "I find that 'I will die of an indistinct infection if I don't remain physically close to preteen girls' rarely goes down well in court."
- "At least the game's fairly well optimized! FOR BIZARRO WORLD!"
- Come the start of 2020, he disproves his credits description of "Fortunately, he will never breed".
Resident Evil: Revelations
- Yahtzee provides one of his all-time greatest (albeit most deranged) metaphors when he opens the review bemoaning the recent crop of major AAA game releases he has to pick from, writing off Final Fantasy XIII-2 as "another installment of the video gaming equivalent of a chorus line of parrots on an electrified wire being slowly lowered into a carnivorous miniskirt."
- He was also particularly unimpressed with Jessica Sherawat's costume.When I first saw her wet weather gear, I had to run my in-game scanning device over her to make sure she hadn't contracted some kind of infection from air kissing Jean Paul Gaultier. It's some kind of purple-striped wetsuit with one leg cut off, a skintight balaclava, and an Elizabethan collar. We have a uniform, lady, because in these games usual policy is to shoot the things that look retarded.
- "I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic, in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best. Sometimes my character'd nimbly sidestep a blow and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual, which said to "use the analog stick as you're about to be hit." "Use it," eh? Thanks. Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? "Step one: use your hands. Step two: Also maybe some pliers.""
Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning
- Yahtzee opens the review with admitting that he can't speak for everyone... at least not until "The Device" is completed.
- "Mass Effect brought us a race of all-female bisexuals who are culturally obliged to bang anything that moves, and you wonder why I prefer sci-fi these days."
- Yahtzee's complaint about how fantasy games "seem to require that you learn a second language"."The Tuatha are engaged in a conflict with the Seeli-Fae and the Jutton in the land of Knick-Knack-Knocky and Bingly-Bongly-Boo!
- The description of bad video games at the beginning is so very hilarious.
- The sack analogies. And then the third developer pops out of a pillow fort."You know what I hate? YOU NOT BEING IN THIS FUCKING SACK RIGHT NOW!"
- Bryce losing his limbs or getting them knocked off by imps. This is even more hilarious in the end credits where Bryce and the imp do a head swap for pretty good results.
Yakuza: Dead Souls
- In his review he comments that it is effectively an Expansion Pack of Yakuza 4 and that "even putting BRIAN BLESSED in there as an optional boss fight" can't make him overlook that fact. The image is of one of Yahtzee's stick-people looking at a stick-Brian with this face, who proceeds to manifest Red Glowing Eyes of Doom and fire a laser from his mouth while the hapless anonymous stick person desperately ducks under it. Hilarious as a visual, even funnier to consider what a boss fight against BRIAN BLESSED must be like. Besides loud and full of ham, naturally.
- "Fuck yes, it's Akiyama again. I love his horrible mauve blazer, and now he's dual-wielding custom pistols like a boss. I just want to take him home and mount him to my kitchen wall so my kids will have an appropriate role model to look at over their Honey Nut Cheerios every morning."
Ninja Gaiden 3
- The first few lines of his review:"You know, being the leader of an evil ninja clan... oops. Shit! Um, forget I said that, I'll start again. *ahem* If I were the head of an evil ninja clan..."
Fez and I Am Alive
- "If indie games were a country, Fez would be the ki—well, Cave Story would be the king, but it would be unwise to appoint Fez as the grand vizier, I'll tell you that."
- Five words: FUCK AROUNDY MAKEY SUPER MURDER
- Yahtzee wonders where all the Always Chaotic Evil humans are all being recruited from en mass. "Possibly Liverpool?"
Risen 2: Dark Waters
- The entire epilogue video, as a DJ to Black Mesa."You're listening to Black Mesa Research Facility Internal Broadcasting Friday Morning Drive Time Fun Slot, playing the hits while you play God!"
- "To Security Officer Calhoun outside Sector 7-G: Stop banging on the door, we know you're out there, we just don't like you."
- From the review proper: "If you're making Dark Waters, you should probably go see a doctor about that."
- "Suddenly, that wasn't the only thing that had risen. Dick joke swing, and a miss!"
Sniper Elite V2
- "It would be nice if you could tag enemies while looking at through the sniper scope, instead of hurriedly switching between scope and binoculars like a badger-watcher with anger-management issues..."Yahtzee's Avatar: YOU STRIPEY FUCK!!! [gets dragged away by an imp]
- He realizes that he has nobody's word on the chain of events but the protagonist... and proceeds to go wild.
- At the start, Yahtzee notes how ironic it is that a game about fighting Those Wacky Nazis was actually a welcome relief from all the modern, War on Terror era "realistic" shooters plaguing the game industry, especially ones fighting Russians, as if wishing the Cold War had boiled over into World War III. Then he starts to explain the plot...
- He admits that he's simultaneously satisfied and ashamed of the X-Ray Vision mechanic, just like how he feels after jerking off to a Disney Princess, with his Author Avatar looking at Ariel while sniffing a fish.
- The entire mulitplayer part of the review, drawing a link between it and being a pimp!But Dragon's Dogma does have one major unique mechanic that deserves a close examination. It's, um...well, do you remember Neopets? It's kind of like that but with slavery. As part of the introductory missions, you have to generate a primary NPC sidekick in the same way you made yourself: class, race, appearance, favorite Spice Girl, etc. But for adventuring purposes, you can also enlist two additional sidekicks who are the main sidekicks of other players elsewhere in the world. You go into a little connecting universe where a sampling of available hired hands swan about trying to catch your eye, you go over to the ones you like, look at their equipment, check their teeth, bob their scrotums, and if you're happy take them adventuring with you. When you're finished with them, you give them a little present and send them back to their owner with a fond slap on the bum. You even have to rate them like you're filling in the timesheet for the temp agency. It creates motivation to make sure that your sidekick has the best equipment and skills and looks good in tights so they'll be more likely to get hired by other players, acquire experience, bring you back presents, and... wait a minute! Am I pimping?!
- "Once that thought occurred to me, I just couldn't shake it off. It didn't help that I deliberately designed my sidekick to juxtapose my protagonist, making him a long-haired, blond, petite young white boy with rosy cheeks and pouty lips, or the way he'd come back from his temp jobs timidly asking if he'd done a good job and clutching a really, really nice present that haunted me as I tried to picture what kind of service had earned it."The onscreen image depicts Yahtzee's Arisen being given a large diamond by his Pawn and then sniffing it as the Pawn walks offscreen
- But by far the high point is his reaction to the "pawn" handwave."No, it's all right," says the game. "They're not actually intelligent, free willed human beings. They're pawns, a sort of magical slave race who look a lot like humans but actually don't have minds of their own." Oh, even better. Now we're pimping the mentally sub-normal!
- "Once that thought occurred to me, I just couldn't shake it off. It didn't help that I deliberately designed my sidekick to juxtapose my protagonist, making him a long-haired, blond, petite young white boy with rosy cheeks and pouty lips, or the way he'd come back from his temp jobs timidly asking if he'd done a good job and clutching a really, really nice present that haunted me as I tried to picture what kind of service had earned it."
- Also his critique of the pawns' relative intelligence level:Pawn: We could get a good view from the top of that tower!
Yahtzee: I know we could, asshole! You know how I know? Because I was just on the top of that tower, and so were you!
- Yahtzee gives up on referring to New Super Mario Bros. U by its name and just starts calling the game "Steve", placing a mug of Steve Buscemi on top of the box.
- "Right, what's next? Oh, what a delightful trailer for some kind of Lost Planet sequel, what are they calling this one? ... Dead Space 3? Fuck off!"
- Towards the end he jokes about being a hype ruiner for hire (complete with creepy white van), which has "B. Y. S. G. Croshaw" on the side, a series of initials which makes very little sense at first...until you're smacked into the giggles by a Brick Joke from his Haze review, where he called himself Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw.
- "Juliet is always in control of the situation, has a healthy, devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the player should feel motivated to protect her from rapists - seriously, that's pretty fucked." *pic of Yahtzee slapping Tomb Raider (2013)*
- The "psychological damage" line. Keepsmilingyoufatbitchkeepsmilingyoufatbitch...
- Yahtzee summarizes Suda51's list of games, including Killer7 ("A hitman with eight distinct personalitiesnote is tasked to defend America from some Japanese conspiracy involving an army of invisible giggling naked suicide bombers with suspiciously absent sexual characteristics."), No More Heroes ("Massive nerd kills his way through ten colorful assassins to in some way convince himself that his new laser sword wasn't a waste of money."note ), and Shadows of the Damned ("Man with bad accent rescues sexy girlfriend from Hell.")Yahtzee: And now Lollipop Chainsaw's got it down to three words: "Cheerleader fights zombies." Wanna try to beat that record and make a game with a two-word summary, Suda? I've got one for you: "Dead horse."
- The way that Juliet slices imps in many different ways, including farting in the imp's face, is sure funny!
- The review begins with a brief mini-review of Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor, which Yahtzee derides as unplayable. An imp dressed as a fairy chides him for this and tells him "If you have any self-respect, you'll stick with it!" (Beat, scene cuts to the fairy imp in the trash can) "So anyway, Quantum Conundrum..."
Yahtzee: ...which I interpreted as a challenge.
- "I picked it up because the back of the box said 'The Kinect has finally found its hardcore game...'"
Caption: ...SO SUCK IT, CROSHAW!
- Using various forms of alcohol to describe the four dimensions.Yahtzee: There's the pina colada dimension where everything is light and fruity, the black russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife, the absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning, and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down.
- "I hope you've played a lot of feces Tetris, because it's time to stack shit."
- The captions given during Yahtzee's discussion on graphical settings.
- While browsing the Steam forums for technical assistance, Yahtzee recounts one forum poster who said anyone who didn't know how to edit using Unreal or didn't have a top-end PC didn't deserve to play PC games. His response is simply beautiful.This review is dedicated to you, anonymous forum poster, because you're a cunt. What are you, you're a cunt, yes you are! You live in a cunty cottage and you drive a cunty car! [car says "Parp parp"]
- What's even better is that the fairy-imp from earlier had been holding up a sign advising Yahtzee to "say 'cunt' a lot".
- One last jab at the Kinect.
Spec Ops: The Line
- The game actually managed to get Yahtzee quite depressed, which led him to forcibly contrive some levity into his review:(Waffle about the self-contradictory nature of FPS gaming) Sorry, is this getting too contemplative early on? Here are some farting noises. *farting noises*
- "Spec Ops: The Line is one of those pleasant surprises that comes along every now and again; a videogame story that really got to menote , giving me genuine feelings of weariness, guilt and actual physical sickness. Fun, fun, fun!"
- "Dubai! Please submit Swiss Bank Account number."
- The analogy about Dubai being the city equivalent of a Jerkass lottery winner, and how the city-destroying sandstorms in Spec Ops are the equivalent of that guy contracting "hyper-syphilis from Mars".
- The ending.Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell? Those were good days. Perhaps this is an inevitable part of gaming growing up, as our childish fantasies are torn from us and we are forced to confront consequences in an unfair, uncaring, and unavoidable world of hatred, misery, and death.
- And the credits end with "It's just been downhill ever since IDDQD stopped working."
- The credits gag shows Yahtzee lighting an imp on fire until only a skeleton remains, being horrified by his actions and dramatically cradling the imp, and then a giant hand coming in and handing him an Oscar as he bursts into tears.
- He complains that while this game is rife with Player punches they come across as rather anvilicious with a bit of But Thou Must!."So the game gettin' all gritty and confrontational about it does seem a bit disingenuous after that. [Spec Ops, bandaged, drinks a bottle of beer and says, "War is heeeellll"] Maybe's that the point, to let you lose yourself in shooty excitement and then yank on the choke chain. [the game pulls Yahtzee on the neck with the choke chain and shouts "Heeeeeellll"] But still, it's like if a lady broke into your house at night, took all her clothes off, squatted over your face while you slept, and when you woke up she chastised you for looking at her butt. [woman shouts out, "How DARE you!"] I didn't even want to look at your butt, Spec Ops! You're the one who brought it up and won't let me continue till I've shot all the rogue American soldiers coming out of it." [Yahtzee is forced to watch as the buttocks on the TV screen poop out the rogue American imps who say "Wheeeee!"]
- Yahtzee explains the game's origins:"The game claims to be inspired by Heart of Darkness, the same story that inspired Apocalypse Now. 'That's rare,' was my first thought. [Yahtzee thinks of a rare steak] My second thought was, 'WAIT! Did you assholes just spoil the plot?! So, we're gonna find this colonel and he'll be ruling over the natives and be played by a fat Marlon Brando?'"
The Walking Dead
- The beginning:Yahtzee: You know, before I made a living doing this job (with "job" in quotation marks the size and shape of a pair of giant drooping labial flaps), I designed a few point-and-click adventure games. If you're thinking of having a go at making your own, here's my hot tip: [Yahtzee puts the burnt end of a cigarette into the imp's eye] First think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat get down from a tree, then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand, then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way to solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, [Yahtzee avatar says, "Of course!"] maybe hiding a spider under the sunshade of Old Man Witherstein's car so that he crashes into the treetrunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the moon. Why? [the word "Why?" appears in blackness] Because adventure game developers [portrayed by eyes possibly beloning to two imps] can't cum unless they're picturing the frustated tears of people who used to trust them. [a thought balloon appears with an imp crying near the computer] Actually that could just be me.
- Yahtzee and a zombie face each other, RPG-style, above the text box that says the following:Examine
Run the fuck away from
- ...after which Yahtzee picks up a machine gun and the text changes to:
- Yahtzee comes to the moral choice:"There was let a kid die or let a dude die. Obviously you save the kid, don't you? He's got more life to live, the parents will like you, and worst comes to it, his flesh will be a lot more tender and palettable. *lip smacking noises*"
- At one point the imps appear as the good and bad angels.
- Another good one:Yahtzee: ...Right off the bat: "Dum de dum, lovely walk through the forest, AH! A MAN WITH LEG TRAPPED, ZOMBIES COMING, SAVE HIM!" Unfortunately for him, I was carrying a massive fuck-off axe at the time and what with everyone shouting at me, I made a snap decision, a choice of words that the poor bastard's leg might have found appropriate. [guy says, "Er, you know those don't chop metal, right?"] It took four or five chops, and by the end of it I was almost in the fetal position in my chair and my legs were crossed like an Amish virgin watching an MMA: First Blood crotch-kicks only match. Then the bloke had the poor manners to die anyway. "Shit," said I. "Maybe that's why the game gave me like six chances to back out. Perhaps someone should take this massive fuck-off axe away from me."
- The conclusion:Yahtzee: This is the risk when you go with a setting like a zombie apocalypse which isn't so much tired as about to be taken off life support. [Yahtzee drifts off to sleep atop a building that's surrounded by zombies while a guy raises an axe to chop him up] I mean, we know how this is going to end, don't we? Either evil military show up or, best case scenario, two to four of the least asshole-y survivors go to live on an island somewhere. What do you think they're going to do, find a cure? Rebuild society? Then everyone gets lemonade?
- The end credits show Yahtzee cutting off a zombie's legs next to a sign that says "The Walking Dead", then picks up the leg and walks off, before an imp appears and puts the word "Mostly" onto the sign after the word "The".
- Yahtzee pondering why the game was titled such, before realizing that the main character does a Title Drop early on about how much things have changed. He summarizes the story as all about how the main character's life got flip-turned upside-down.Credits: Yeah, that reference won't seem dated at all.
- Yahtzee cramming a watermelon down a quest giver's throat in frustration.
- After an introductory paragraph describing the nature of Grand Theft Auto clones, he attempts to re-name the genre as "Petty-crim-footstool-vehicle-related-inner-thighs-'em-up".
- On the games title: "There's a racist joke about East Asian cuisine in there somewhere that you'll be pleased to hear I'm not going to acknowledge."
- The main character Wei Shen joins the Triads upon arrival in Hong Kong "because who the fuck else are you going to sign up for in Hong Kong, the Real IRA?"
- "Now, Timmy, we can only give you an Xbox and five games for Christmas this year because you did blowtorch your initials into your sister!"
- The combat mechanics described as what is technically known as "flipping out the buttered fuck crumpets".
- "Eight years ago, GTA San Andreas had a jetpack. Does Sleeping Dogs have a jetpack? Well then, better luck next time!"
- The review starts with Yahtzee angrily refusing to review New Super Mario Bros. 2.I'm not falling for it this time, Nintendo, so even if you did massively shake up the formula and recast Mario as a brash intergalactic smuggler piloting the Yosh-1 through the imperial controlled Mushroom Nebula I will never know!" *followed by the image of Yahtzee covering his ears and going "LA LA LA"*
- I saaawww you (New Super Mario Bros. 2).
- His playthrough is off to a good start."So I started my first game spawned on the shores of a mysterious land, made for the nearest visible building, and was immediately beaten to death by six squawking, working-class zombies in flat caps. Then I paused to have a little drinky..."
- What really caps this joke is how utterly defeated Yahtzee sounds
- "After having fallen and broken my leg, I saw one player run over my head as I pathetically called for help. Later playthroughs would teach me that, in terms of DayZ regular human interaction, THAT was a passionate kiss on the mouth."
- "Yeah! Ambiguously melee attack your way out of that, you straggly cunt! Haaaaa... what's that rumbling noise? And then every door in the street flung open and fucking hell, it was like the Pied Piper set his flute to the murderer setting. Oh right, loud noises! The classic zombie apocalypse social faux pas!"
- Yahtzee comments how when a new player (to DayZ) came by, that unless the guy actually talked to him and asked what was wrong, he would have shot and looted him.
- Also, when said player gave Yahtzee a blood transfusion with (Yahtzee swears this is true) his ample supply of blood packs and nothing else, he comments on how he could have learned about The Power of Friendship and "sticking together in the face of adversity". Until a zombie came by, broke his leg, and either chased the other guy off or killed him.
Guild Wars 2
- (On mundane grinding quests) "The fact that I was a necromancer made it pretty funny, though; I pictured the farmer's wife standing at the kitchen window, watching me chase moles out of the vegetable garden by summoning shadow-demons from the stygian pit to curse their very souls and then turning to her husband and going: "He does know we've got a spade he can use, right?""
- "...and Guild Wars 2 also improves on that by giving you limited slots and a range of swapoutable abilities what the hell kind of word was that?"
- On stating that the game world is a huge mess (or perhaps an accurate representation of what happens when 90% of a world's population IS made of wandering adventurers) he eventually concludes that Guild Wars 2 is essentially a fantasy-themed kiddie playground, where the kids take turns whacking on the animatronic monsters while a bored attendant keeps watch.
- "Borderlands? more like BORED *pause* -Erlands! *long pause*
- Later in the review "Borderlands? more like SNORE-derlands *pause* two *long pause*"
- ""And on the subject of sex crimes, let's get back to professional football!"
- The review in its entirety. It's one long hilarious panoply of your usual Caustic Critic going into Bait-and-Switch meets Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny! as he completely forgets to review FIFA 13 and instead reviews three other games with more plot substance.
- His opinion of Mists of Panderia:Yahtzee: I blame publishers not wanting to put out anything that might have to compete with Mists of Pandaria, which incidentally I wouldn't touch with a twelve-foot sterilized barge pole being held by someone else.
- Him not actually playing the game beforehand:Yahtzee: Some might say not having played the game and only glancing briefly at the cover art might preclude reviewing it as a rule, but I didn't get to where I am today by following rules all over the place! Let's give it a crack.
- His experiences playing Anna:Yahtzee: In Anna, you are a faceless, nameless protagonist, who I choose to believe resembles Mr. Bean, who has come to an abandoned sawmill in search of his lost love or something, and considering the sawmill only has like five rooms, what follows is a pretty fucking breakneck descent into the depths of the human heart.
- His opinion on the "logic" puzzles in Anna:Yahtzee: Anna is closer to adventure game than survival horror though, spiritually akin to those microscopic escape-the-room flash games where you solve a sequence of logic puzzles in a small environment. But the operative word there is "logic" and Anna's relationship with that concept evokes the relationship a cheese grater has with a water balloon full of sperm. Before you can even get into the sawmill, you have to find two parts of a mirror, arrange them on a wall, stick a pinecone to the front and then light it on fire because this in some way unlocks the front door. That's not a logic puzzle, that's something Hunter S. Thompson might attempt after he lost his front door key at a mushroom-enfueled wilderness retreat! I'm glad I don't live in this neighbourhood; you probably can't even run yourself a bath until you've arranged twelve Snickers bars under the S-bend and pissed in the sink.
- His outrage that Tokyo Jungle insists on submitting his score to the leaderboards:Yahtzee: And I can't stand how every time I die, it insists on submitting my score to the global ranking, not only forcing me to wait a literal minute when I just want to fucking restart but then usually informing me that I'm in a hundred-billionth place in the ranks of roleplaying as a small yappy dog and I would like to inform all my peers just to round out the emasculation.
Tokyo Jungle: YOU DEAD.Tokyo Jungle: You know who'd love this?Tokyo Jungle: FUCKING EVERYONE
- The images make it even better:
- The ending is priceless:
- The Credits Gag regarding Tokyo Jungle: "Maybe being told that I wasn't good enough to mate with the prime females struck a bit close to home."
- The thumbnail for the review is actually highly amusing. Almost invariably, the thumbnail for a review will be a contextual screencap from the review itself. For FIFA 13, it was... a tiger-headed Yahtzee being attacked by a velociraptor with a loose pile of assorted animals in the background. Don't bother trying to figure out what the hell this has to do with soccer. Because it's from the Tokyo Jungle part of the "review".
Resident Evil 6
- Yahtzee calls Derek C. Simmons "an inexplicably wealthy Saturday morning cartoon villain unleashing monstersnote upon both China and the United States so at least they're not being racist again." Cue the Klansman getting hung by his neck on a rope.
- "See, I know Capcom games are never well written. Somewhere at Capcom, [a guy sits at a desk labeled "Dyalogg Riter"] there's a copy of the big book of dialogue cliches with a very heavily weathered spine, but this gets as boring as a playground fight where your opponent keeps making up new shit so he doesn't lose until you want to take him behind the sheds and see how much good his everything-proof shield does him when you're knocking his teeth out with a bicycle chain."
- Yahtzee talks about co-op:Yahtzee: Resident Evil 6 is a fussy suburban mother insisting you invite that weird dribbling kid to your birthday party. So every now and again on the loading screen, [which says, "Roading..."] the nom-de-shithead of some tosser who's playing the same bit at the same time appears ["ABigTwat69 joined the game."] to explain why you're not going to enjoy the next few levels very much, ["Hope you've got plenty of wet wipes."] and thank goodness it does because otherwise I might have thought my faithful AI partner had had some kind of stroke that makes them run around smashing crates while I'm waiting at the level exit fending off monsters [portrayed by imps] that look like they were made of sausage and onion gravy.
- "What is the point of multiplayer? Socializing with other humans (correct, that's why I hate it)." (shows Yahtzee hissing at socializers from the sewers)
- Here's another one:Yahtzee: But another online gameplay mode I kind of liked involves taking control of a monster in someone else's game, which provides great opportunity to avenge those fingertips. I got a little satisfaction from knifing to death some stranger who might not have deserved it, but that was one out of ten attempts. The rest either didn't connect or I'd join five seconds before the guy got killed by a regular non-self aware monster. It's disheartening to know your job could be done equally as well by a pixel-brained bleep-bloop non-controlled twat.
- The end credits show an imp wanting to get the cookie jar on the shelf, so the imp injects itself with the virus and mutates into a monster that eats the shelf instead.
- Yahtzee calling the game "Dish-on-a-Red", "Soap-on-a-Rope", and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
- Speaking of which:Yahtzee: But I must say that I left Soap-on-a-Rope disappointed. Not angry, disappointed, like if someone I respected forgot which part of the body piss comes out of, mainly because it has a fucking moral choice aspect! "Ooh, we do not," the game will sputter. "You wanna cuddle the guards to sleep? You wanna slit throats like your wife left you for a jugular vein? We won't judge you." [game acts like a judge with a gavel] Except you do, don't ya? [the gavel gets tossed at Yahtzee] 'Cause there's a good ending or a bad ending. [good ending depicts Yahtzee offering a rainbow popsicle to the fenale imp, while the bad ending depicts him eating said imp]
- Speaking of which:
- This one:Yahtzee: Personality [two imps appear and play trumpets on the word] is the word of the day because I like stealth and I like the stealth in this, but like a dolphin on strike, the game just wasn't clicking for me and eventually I realized that was because it was entirely populated by herring-powered androids with faulty tubes in their emotion cores. [in a robot monotone] "Hello, Corvo, you stabbed a bloke very efficiently, now you must go and stab another one, beep boop, lovely oil for my hinges please." [normal voice] Having to go back to the loyalist HQ between every mission and muddle around getting beep-booped at by cardboard flap sandwiches kills the game's pacing for me, but even in the missions, the baddies were all going [robotic monotone again] "We are very evil guards, beep boop, sanctity of human life, ha ha, humour deployed, beep boop, I hope no-one interfaces a dagger with my neck-mounted USB port."
- The part when Yahtzee thinks of whether to choose the good ending or bad ending:Yahtzee: And when I realized that because a loading screen told me so, [screen says "LOLDING... Keep your shit together"] I immediately thought "Right, I'm shooting for the good ending then" and rigidly stuck to non-lethal methods for that reason alone and not because of what I wanted to do or what made sense to do or what the little man who sits next my ear told me to do late at night, [Yahtzee gets a big rainbow popsicle] and then every time I was spotted, I'd sigh and lower my sword like Ben Kenobi's fucking death scene rather than try to organically escape the situation 'cause I was afraid of jeopardizing all that effort. And then the ending was disappointing [Yahtzee gets a tiny rainbow popsicle] because the story having to keep both the nice Corvo and the naughty Corvo plates spinning results only in one big ol' bland Corvo, [depicted by Yahtzee shoving a tiny popsicle up the female imp's butt] because this is what binary moral choice always does and developers should fucking pack it in.
XCOM: Enemy Unknown
- Yahtzee states that the game is "a remake or a reboot or a reason to despair of the state of creative industriesnote for a game from the 90's variously titled UFO: Enemy Unknown and XCOM: UFO Defense in a spirited attempt to confuse matters even further."
- "Did you like playing X-COM, Yahtzee?" "What was that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you, I was playing X-COM."
- Him pretending that the commander is "somebody's fussy mom" and the accompanying images that follow.
- Yahtzee gives a reason for liking the game:Yahtzee: I like it 'cause it now gives me something I can smash into Syndicate's face and say "Looook! Turns out you don't have to turn everything into a fucking shooter!" I also like that it does both base management and tactical turn-based shooting without either seeming like a gimmick bolted onto the other. I spend my time in the base thinking "Gosh, I'm looking forward to using these plasma rifles I built to shoot all the baddies" [Yahtzee has a thought balloon of himself blasting a hole in the imp's chest] and my time in the field thinking "Gosh, I'm looking forward to bringing all these alloys back to base to build more plasma rifles." [Yahtzee arrives and blasts a hole in the imp's chest just like the thought balloon had predicted]
- "But at least the randomness makes the game very replayable, so take comfort in that as you contemplate restarting from scratch because you didn't research laser guns fast enough and all your men have to be evacuated from the field with a fucking spatula!"
- "You can survive getting one of your top guys raygunned into sandwich spread, two at a pinch, but you might as well reload if your entire supersquad gets wiped up, 'cause the aliens aren't going to hold back to let you train up a new selection of rookies who aim like fucking Octodad and go into panic mode if a wasp starts buzzing too close to their jam sandwiches."
- Yahtzee engaging in some bragging to end the review:One time, I had a bunch of guys trapped in a crashed UFO's central rape room with the alien equivalent of Hulk Hogan, and I only had actions left for one heavy and one sniper who were too far from the action to help, so what did I do? I got the heavy to blow a massive hole in the side of the UFO with a rocket launcher, thus granting the sniper a clear line of sight to double-tap the problem right in the tash and win the mission. A master stroke of unconventional strategizing of which I was so embarrassingly proud that I boasted furiously about it for the entire last thirty seconds of an Internet video.
Medal of Honour: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition
- Yahtzee's speculation that the game came about as a result of one developer testing whether his cubicle-mate was actually listening to him. "YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT!"
- And the Running Gag of laughing at Warfighter's name.
- The battles in Warfighter are taking the cake:"Warfighter's down with everything that makes modern shooters fucking despicable. The story just kept dumping me one location after the other and told me to shoot all the brown people talking foreign. [enemies talk in Woodstock chirps] I didn't know who they were or why they deserved it, [enemies hold up signs, one saying, "My name is Donald," and the other, "I bullied a chimp"] although I did know they were vastly outmatched technologically. [enemy comes at Yahtzee with a stick] At one point, you take control of a remote-controlled robot that goes behind enemy lines and fucking mows people down until someone can tip it over and bash its camera in with a rock, and that just fucking says it all, doesn't it? We've got kill-droids, they've got rocks. We are Imperial Stormtroopers massacring the fucking Ewoks!" [cue Stormtroopers killing imps dressed as Ewoks]
- After playing Warfighter: "So I stopped. An hour and a half in, I stopped. I put down the controller and turned it off." Cue Yahtzee pulling a big freakin' revolver and shooting the TV.
- Needing a name to differentiate the particular brand of first-person shooters which rely on such pet peeves as reliance on cover, regenerating health, limited inventories and excessive handholding, he dubs them "Spunkgargleweewee," a term he continues to use on a semi-consistent basis.
- His rage against people who claim he just doesn't like shooters."Oh, you ignorant little bastards. Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters when you were sucking on Wiimotes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies! You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits about you, rocket-jumping, last grasp of health, toodly fuckpies, organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is not riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by the other people's gunfire."
- The end credits show Yahtzee ducking for cover by gunfire, until an imp comes along and uses a log to absorb all the bullets; the imp then walks off before looking at the log and proceeding to hump it, making Yahtzee turn around and see the action.
Assassin's Creed III
- The credits:"Hey, strange hooded knife-covered man on a bench, did you happen to see a strange hooded knife-covered man run through here?"
- The theoretical conversation between Yahtzee and the game itself, after he gets annoyed by some of the side content:Assassin's Creed III: "You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft."
Yahtzee: Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa?
Assassin's Creed III: "You sell the sofa for money!"
Yahtzee: Okay, now I'm a millionaire East Coast sofa baron, what do I do with the money?
Assassin's Creed III: "Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions."
Yahtzee: Well, that's something I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me?
Assassin's Creed III: "More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!"
Yahtzee: Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people?
Assassin's Creed III: ...What is it with you and stabbing peopl-
Yahtzee: (snaps) What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?!
- Yahtzee initially being worried that The American Revolution period would lead to the British being Flanderized into a Evil Brits, while the Americans would be the Designated Heroes. Then he points out how the Grey-and-Gray Morality balanced out both sides from their stereotypical portrayals in this time period:
Call of Duty: Black Ops II
- His suggestion for a better game that Call of Duty: Black Ops II could have been if it had played to its strengths: "The Adventures Of Hooky Wingsuit: The Amazing Flying Racist."
- His description of the protagonists."The story switches between Generic O. McCracker I in the past and Generic O. McCracker II in the future
- Yahtzee noting the game's rather weird take on morality:
- "Perspective really does count for a lot, doesn't it? The game tries to paint the villain as evil by showing him shotgun the legs off his unarmed foes, but all I could think was that the intended audience would be guffawing clouds of inexpensive beer if it had been Jack Bauer doing that."Jack Bauer: WHURR'S THE BURMB
- "Aw, bless, is the mean old foreigner trying to take away your infinite supply of poor, innocent, remorseless kill-droids? Boo hoo, Doctor fucking Doom!"
- "Perspective really does count for a lot, doesn't it? The game tries to paint the villain as evil by showing him shotgun the legs off his unarmed foes, but all I could think was that the intended audience would be guffawing clouds of inexpensive beer if it had been Jack Bauer doing that."
- "He a TURRIST!"
- Imagining a question from the target demographic about the game's quality:Yahtzee: "Well, I'm white, paranoid, and stupid so this game sounds ideal so far," says a nearby cunt. "I'm just worried the gameplay won't also cater to my many neurological difficulties— whoops, my brain fell out again!"
- "I feel that the whole 'change of heart' thing could have been staggered out a bit better. If I had to murder someone, I wouldnt stay my hand if I found out he was afraid of theme park mascots just because Holy shit, I used to be afraid of theme park mascots, and Im not even a professional assassin.note <beat> Although I have killed a lot of theme park mascots."
- The "fish skeleton" remark.
- "Oh, don't you start telling me I have problems, I get enough of that from the voices, thank you very much!"note
Far Cry 3
- He opens the review with the phrase "I am a banana." and it only gets funnier every time he uses it.
- "I kept sliding off the roads because the cars are always a few feet wider than you think they are. Its a lot like online dating."
- A clever one from the credit sequence: one of the subtitles says "You know what the first sign of madness is? Rubbing animal giblets on your reproductive organs." The next slide has him poledancing, wearing a severed tiger head as a codpiece.
- Subtitling said slide: "It's not a real holiday until you've napalmed a cassowary."
- Another metaphor that gets a little weird:A typical combat mission involves scouting the area from a vantage point, marking targets, picking the optimal angle of approach, and taking down the baddies one by one. It's quite relaxing really, like pruning a rosebush where the roses can get freaked out and call another rosebush to come and back it up.
- "There are too many games where you only get the ultra-pussycat death beam surprise that rips off the enemies' cock and writes their obituary with it right at the end of the game so you only get to use it on the end boss and maybe his goldfish."
- "You want to hang glide over an assassination mission and jump on the dude [portrayed by an imp] like he's a fucking Koopa Troopa, then godspeed, you mad bastard."
- Yahtzee's main frustration in the game:Yahtzee: Every time I caught a zombie's instakill bite attack, I'd make a weird, involuntary vocalisation that couldn't decide if it was a swear or not, like "FUGBAR!" or "DAYGUNT!"
- "The game is set in post-zombie London and was designed by someone who rather obviously isn't from London because all their knowledge of the city seems to come from sightseeing tours. You visit Buckingham Palace and the Tower of London, and yes, thrillingly, you can kill beefeaters! That's one off the bucket list!"
- Yahtzee's pet name for his favorite weapon:Yahtzee: It doesn't take long to figure out that the super-secret technique for handling singlular zombies is just uninterrupted swings with the starting cricket bat, or as I prefer to call it, my Staff of Wisdom!
Top 5 of 2012
- The Top 5 is played out by the Ethereal Choir made by dobroide, while the Bottom 5 is played out by... singing farts!
- Yahtzee explains why he has has a soft spot for Never Dead despite its broken design."It's only when you try to do something interesting that you crash and burn in the most spectacular way. You may laugh at the bloke who thought he'd invented the parachute coat and threw himself off the Eiffel tower, but what's history gonna remember you for, funny man? That time you found a copy of Razzle in a hedge?"
Paper Mario: Sticker Star
- "The game opens with Mario and the princess holding some kind of open-air festival for stickers, which just goes to show how exciting life gets during Mushroom Kingdom peace-time. Stick around guys, 'cause next week is Hole Punch Mardi Gras!"
- "...for no particular reason the game fucking showers you with coins at the end of every level, like Mario's a registered charity and it's the last week of the financial year."
- "But my problem is that this isn't a Paper Mario game. It looks like one, it's wearing the skin of one, but that doesn't make it one. I'm not a fat woman, even though I've... I've just been advised not to finish this sentence."
- Yahtzee admitting he needed to use the 3D for certain sections of the game:" I suppose the 3DS can feel free to stand on my desk and rub its buttocks on my face, making really satisfied noises like this: "Mmmmmm, mmmmmmmmmm."
- "So if it's not a platformer and not an RPG, then what the hell is it? A walk-around-'em-up? A walk-around-sticking-things-to-other-things-'em-up? That's not a game, that's how I kill time at a pet shop!" (shows Yahtzee super-gluing a gerbil to a dog with the store manager saying "Excuse me, sir.")
- "I just want to play in the fucking cupboard, Nintendo. I know you're keeping WarioWare in there, too."
- "They were keeping Conker in that cupboard as well but I think somebody killed him for food"
Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami
- The repeated renaming of games based on the way Black Knight Sword did it, i.e. "Orange Nerd Crowbar", "Brown Sweaty Racism", and "Red Dead Revolv— oh wait".
- By the end of the game, he even calls Hotline Miami "Magenta Nutcase Kitchen-floor".
- On Hotline Miami:"For want of criticism, there's one very misguided forced stealth chapter in which the pacing comes to a screeching halt and a game like this can't afford to slow down for long 'cause we might end up thinking, 'Hey, this gameplay's really frustrating and all the synth music is starting to get on my tits! Not seriously on my tits, just sort of nestling on the sternum area like a sleeping cat [shows Yahtzee's avatar sleeping on a couch with a keyboard on its chest] and I don't want to wake it but I kinda need to be somewhere.'" [avatar looks on as couch catches on fire]
- "There's flying under the radar, but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, Anarchy Reigns isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway!"
- Snarking on the oxymoronic title. "It's like calling your name Dog Meows or Margaret Thatcher Cares."
- "There's such a fucking shortage of macho grizzled bad-asses voiced by Steve Blum in gaming that we've had to start recycling them now." Meanwhile, Bulletstorm peeks in sheepishly and says "Erm..."
- "I think I just beat up someone very thin, with a really clingy outfit and a stance like their hips have become dislocated. Oh well, that'll narrow it down to every single fucking female character in the game."
DMC: Devil May Cry
- "Ramble gramble-oh, never mind."
- The similes used to describe how anvilicious the story is.
- The callback to his Shadows of the Damned review.
- An unfortunate idiom lurches rapidly into Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?
- "When the big boss expands like the asshole in the prison showers and takes on his city-destroying form, my first reaction should NOT be 'Phew, that's a relief.' I thought my rowboat was about to be made seaworthy."
- Saying how The Cave is "an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with the Double Fine Adventure Game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house."
- "I guess they can't be hipsters after all, 'cause in that case the Cave would have granted them all a swift punch in the throat!"
- "Since this game has come out for Steam, XBLA, PSN, Wii U, graphing calculators, and handfuls of Scrabble tiles on metal trays, you can use whatever control method you like, but I needed to only use the mouse so I could use my other hand to keep a tally of every time the game repeated itself."
Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch
- The Studio Ghibli Bingo board.
- Accidentally referring to the game's subtitle as "Wrath of the White Guilt" and "Wrath of the White Privilege".
- The Stinger at the end involves the game's child protagonist extracting some enthusiasm from a man, seeing another rather skeptical-looking individual full to the brim with restraint, and silently giving his needle full of enthusiasm a knowing look. Hilarity Ensues, if you consider Stuff Blowing Up hilarious.
Dead Space 3
- Simply put, all the bemoaning about how Dead Space 3 has given up all pretensions of being a Survival Horror, and has simply gone the Action-Adventure route like every other game from EA with a thin layer of Survival Horror flavoring put on top. Special points include how he figures the guy who originally pitched it as a Survival Horror has given up on the franchise as much as Yahtzee has, how the story has gotten exaggerated to the point it's like a Wacky College Romantic Comedy, and how patently idiotic it is for EA to use "Weapon Customization" as a cheap excuse to milk the micro-transactions popularized by FarmVille:EA Spokesperson: Did you enjoy blowing real money on flooding your friends Facebook pages with news on you imaginary cows? Well you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort, thus cheapening any sense of achievement!
Yahtzee: I might be more indignant if I thought this might actually work. The scheme seems to be to walk in a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor, and say "I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put money in there then, y'know, the option's open.", and if anyone DOES put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have HAD financial independence in the first place!
Aliens: Colonial Marines
- Part of the beginning of the review where he compares people wanting him to review the game to lighting a firework and running away, shoving someone into the girl's toilets or putting an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog:"Oh, I see! No one wants me around when the new Call of Duty is training you to ignore another quality recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher. Well, how do you know I don't actually really like Colonial Marines? (*beat*) I don't, it's fucking atrocious! But you'd have looked pretty silly if I had, wouldn't you?"
- And then he mentions that maybe he's just bitter because the developers are doing his job by acting like a bunch of school children trying to blame each other on who dropped the really eggy fart.
- The part where Yahtzee and his friends (including an imp and a chicken) invoked Shipper on Deck in the best way possible:Yahtzee: And it was rather entertaining when those stiff-faced Non Player Characters with about as much capacity for emotion as a paper plate with three sausages on it would be trying to have a confrontational dialogue moment, and we crowd around them chanting, "Kiss her, you fool!"
- Him mentioning the many doorways during multiplayer that saw reenactments of The Three Stooges routines and how there's only so many times the words "Who farted?" can break the tension regarding waiting for an elevator to come down at the end of a level.
- The talk of his favorite glitch towards the end of the review. What really sells it is the representative graphic of the boss alien pulling out a giant wooden mallet to smack the marine back to death while letting out a Big "NO!".
- The end credits show an alien meeting an imp, then going through the flowers and having dinner together; the next scene has the imp in a tuxedo, with the alien sitting in a bridal gown, and the last scene shows a baby imp coming out of the alien's womb. Pretty squicky.
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
- ZP Raiden gets three donuts with the sword and says "Sweet".
- Yahtzee talks about the combat while Raiden does many things to imps:Yahtzee: But the combat is quite fun, yes, with the USP being the ability to slice at any angle and divide a large variety of objects into jigsaw puzzles, and since this is kind of feature a processor has nightmares about, the levels do seem a wee bit barebones-y. Against enemies it's not worked in too horribly, though. You can flail the sword around like a plastic chimpanzee with a feather duster until the baddies are effectively powderized, but you're rewarded for accurately divesting them of their limbs portfolio or cutting through the bottle of commercial energy drink they all sort of keep inside their spines.
- Two Freeze-Frame Bonuses: the rambling dialogue while Yahtzee nods off ("Okay, so here's what you're supposed to do next, and also a quick update on the political situation in the region with a rather lurching reference to recent real life events.") before the Jump Scare; and the other that says, "Press X in combination with other buttons at carefully timed moments in response to numerous audio and visual cues to not die."
- "What also helped was turning off that bloody boss fight music, and incidentally, Hideo, if breakdancing ninja cyborg vigilante biker hasn't made Raiden cool, a score that sounds like a J-rock artist composed it as he was trying not to burst into tears while meeting his own gaze in his bedroom mirror isnt going to clinch it."
- Comparing the game to Scooby-Doo is sure funny, even calling it The Adventures of Shaggy and Scooby: Bloodsoaked Robot Assassins.
- Yahtzee describes what the ending is like:Yahtzee: ...imagine watching something like, say, Ghost in the Shell, but right before the end you sit on the remote and TV switches over to an episode of Biker Mice from Mars or Dragon Ball Z where the special guest villain turns out to be Hulk Hogan who goes on about how awesome right-wing policies are for 20 minutes before doing body slams on everyone who disagrees.
- In the beginning:Yahtzee: Electronic Arts. Arts. Arrrts... If there was ever a name that illustrated a need for some kind of verbal equivalent of social services that comes and forcibly takes words away if they're being misused.
- This review has a lot of penis jokes as a Running Gag, even the penis that knocks off the imp.
- Yahtzee reads Maxis' statement in a goofy voice, which is the icing on the cake.
- The EA slimy-tentacle-puppet offers an explanation of the sewage-management "poo map" as a new feature that may be of interest to Yahtzee.
- In anticipation of a meteor strike, God's hand comes down from the sky and says:THY TOWN HATH TOO MANY GAYS
GONNA BURN THY HONKY ASS
- Yahtzee's first choice for a city name.Yahtzee: So on a desolate plot of land I placed the foundations for the emerging city of Dogbollock, U.S.A. 'Oh no no no!' went the little finger puppet, leaning over and typing a row of asterisks. 'You can't call your city that, that would be ever so beastly!' Why not? It is a fun name. I would be having more fun as the mayor of a city called 'Dogbollock'. I'm hoping to set up a department of Dogbollock beautification.
- "I think there might be something wrong with the AI. This might also explain why my city was briefly terrorized by a rampaging criminal whose house turned out to be directly opposite the police station."
- His criticism of Origin's Start My Own mentality.Yahtzee: And putting that on my computer felt like leaving a child of my own in the Jonestown Daycare center.
- The ending part:Yahtzee: Specifics are kind of moot, though, 'cause I don't see what this game has over, say, Sim City 4, which is cheaper, and deeper, and available on a download service that doesn't make my hard drive dry heave. It's just the online features, la-dee-cunting-da. "Oh, but everyone else seems to like them," has been the gist of EA and Maxis' company line on this issue. "It's not our fault you don't know how to have fun!" Listen to me, EA: not every introvert is longing for the day that Zooey Fucking Deschanel kicks their door down and forcibly drags them to a roller rink. I know how to have fun. It involves feeling like I'd achieved something with a sense of independence. It does not involve gangs of punks [portrayed by an imp] from some asshole's gambling town coming over to kick all my bus stops over.
- Also, the guy with the blowhorn is pretty hilarious.
- The end credits of Lego City are also hilarious.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
- Likening Sony to a pushy mother and Kratos its little ballerina daughter, "whoring him out to every PlayStation game that will take him" when explaining why he isn't reviewing God of War: Ascension.
- The image of BioShock Infinite sitting on the game store shelf holding a very large sign with the words "NEXT WEEK, ALRIGHT?" on it.
- When commenting on how the game being too easy for what's ostensibly a "survival" title: "I think you need to punish me some more, Survival Instinct." (Temptingly sticks his rear in the air while Survival Instinct breaks out something that looks like a whip, paddle and branding iron thrown in a blender) "I've been a VERY bad boy."
- "...So [the zombies] start smashing [a wooden fence] down to get at me and you'd better cast me in 'The Cask of Amontillado' because I'm about to fucking brick it."
- Followed by stating that this unscripted event in an unassuming, low-key game is still better than a completely scripted event in a Triple-A Game such as, say, Dead Space 3, where, in his words "-I looked down a corridor with fifteen vents along the wall and thought to myself 'Yep, should've gone for the shampoo especially formulated for bodily fluids', and the music guy would trip and somehow fall on every button on his mixing desk.".
- When Yahtzee says that Infinite is a worthy sequel to the original BioShock
- The repeated statements about the game disappearing up its own butt, leading to a particularly hilarious end joke.
- "Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap!"
- Yahtzee's description that tells his love for the swashbuckling tone the game's Skyhook system gives:I'd swoop down from on high, machine-gunning racists, then jump off and kick the last survivor off the ledge and feel like Errol Fucking Flynn. I was almost afraid of landing in case I got bounced away on balls like a couple of hairy Space Hoppers.
- Shitty Final Level Syndrome, A.K.A. "The Shinfles".
- Also his description of Booker getting outed at the Raffle as the "False Shepherd":Columbia starts off perfectly fine, resembling a idyllic, cartoonishly-racist Disneyland until Father Comstock, city leader and alleged prophet, marks out DeWitt as the guy who's destined to fuck everyone up, so he's forced to fuck everyone up after they all turn on him for being the guy who's going to fuck everyone up. Comparisons to BioShock are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic, or however that phrase goes, and under that light Infinite falls kind of short.
- The "Santa Claus: Our Prophet" posters.
- Also a background scene shown while Yahtzee is describing Comstock as a villain who can't be taken seriously, where Comstock, dressed like Santa, is walking on a floor made of Black people with shit-covered shoes. Yahtzee's response? Put a crown on his head with a sign titled "World's Best Grandpa".
- The butt puns are pretty hilarious, even in the end credits.
LEGO City Undercover
- Describing the "pre-BioShock Infinite mass":
- Attempting to shake off the "post-BioShock melancholy":"Ooh, LEGO City! Cheerful, colourful, charming, plastic objects lodged in the sole of the foot. NO! Positive now!"
- On whether the game is really what the Wii U needs right now:"I wouldn't say so; I mean, it doesn't even resemble a pneumatic drill!"
- Studs all have the face of a stud.
- And near the end, one of them holds a knife to a player's throat while telling him to "Keep smiling".
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon
- So. Many. Innuendos! Hell, quite a few of the comments reference just how "homoerotic" the review is. Although it's hardly surprising given that this is a game which employs "sucking" as the central game mechanic. And it's Yahtzee who's doing the review. Fellatio jokes are almost unavoidable.Ghost (being fought over by 4 different Luigis in an Online co-op game): "All this for little ol' me."
Injustice: Gods Among Us
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
- [FRAME RESET]
- "A story campaign that you could miss entirely if a large dog happens to run past the screen at the wrong moment," illustrated with Yahtzee glaring at the dog for doing so.
- The image for "Eighties sci-fi action" is Adam Ant with a cyborg laser eye.
- "At the end of the cyber-day...", which is illustrated by a setting sun with a cyborg laser eye.
- Two about the clearing out of garrisons: looking back to the ordinary FarCry 3, where you could leave it to "Mr. Whiskers and the forest friends", and pointing out that if there are no more enemies in the line of sight of the blood dragons, they may decide to "snack of some of Kyle Reese's Pieces instead; perhaps a plate of fish and Hicks!"
- Calling out the anticlimactic ending of the game, saying that there should have been a "disco arena space battle with another guard and armoured laser-dinosaur" where both combatants wield "American Gladiator-style paddles with hedge trimmers strapped to the ends".
- "Who could've predicted that a man dressed as a giant light-up purple cock would turn a few heads at the Paint-Drying Appreciation Society?"
Metro: Last Light
- "...apparently disregarding all the other cities in the world with underground transit systems, but maybe they've all been lost to rampaging hordes of cannibalistic buskers."
- "So theres a quite hefty percentage of this game where I feel we're lacking a sense of agency, but when I point that out the game gets kind of pissy."Metro: Last Light: Oh, you want to feel like youre the master of your destiny, do you? Fine! Go run around the surface for a bit."So I do that, but then Im all like,"Yahtzee: This big-winged monster keeps trying to get me to play fetch with my entire body as the stick. Am I supposed to be killing it or just getting the fuck away?.Metro: Last Light: Sorry! Cant make it any clearer because Mr. Free Will thinks Ive been railroading him too much!
- The Stinger: "When Artyom eats food does he go om yom yom oh for fuck's sake."
Next Gen Buyer's Guide
- "So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played, where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a Magus of the Vineyard from Magic: The Gathering."
- Yahtzee's reaction to the PS4's social interaction functions: "Any chance of getting a dedicated 'Fuck Off' button on the controller, Sony?"
- Yahtzee's bridge analogy regarding making games for the Wii U."...recently a critical blow was dealt when someone at EA unguardedly mentioned that they weren't making any games for [the Wii U], because if they have to bring water to a dying man in a desert, then giving it to the man with no arms or legs who refuses to stop eating crisps might be a bit of a waste. EA did backtrack on that remark though, perhaps realizing that before you burn a bridge, it might be smarter to wait and make sure the other two bridges aren't going to spontaneously combust."
- Yahtzee's hilarious prediction of the dire consequences of the Xbox One's Kinect system always being on:"Oh, but the Kinect needs to be on all the time so you know when you're barking orders at it, but I want to feel comfortable talking about the Xbox in front of it. I might unguardedly say 'I hope Xbox doesn't nuke the Chinese' and then who knows what might happen."*Graphic shows the Kinect hearing the quoted part as "Xbox: Nuke the Chinese," followed by a nuclear missile launching from the top of the Kinect*
- Getting taken down and reposted to serve as Yahtzee's traditional "Shut up and let me enjoy my holiday break" video on Christmas Day is pretty chuckleworthy.
- "Yaaaaaaaaawn... Sorry, Fuse. You're not boring me, I was just up late last night." Cue image of a trash can containing a picture of a dolphin and several discarded tissues.
- "All together now... Private Military Corporation." ["Private Military Shitheads"]
- "You know what, Fuse, I take it back: you are boring me!"
- The punchline of the shallow characterisation: "And then there's the black guy, who's just happy to be here."
- "URGH! I just thought about Clive Barker's Jericho! Thanks a lot, Fuse!"
- Speaking of Clive Barker:Yahtzee: It's not a winning feature 'cos I ended up using the same character the whole way through anyway and the few interesting aspects of combat depended on characters working in conjunction. For example, many rooms suggest stealth-killing as many guards as you can before resorting to all-out firefight like it's taped a slice of processed ham to its chest and said "Feel our many different textures". But to do that to any significant degree, you need to be able to take out more than one guy simultaneously because they're all looking at each other and in single-player, the three AI partners just sit around the entrance of the room sniffing at each other's butts.
- Speaking of Clive Barker:
- Also:Yahtzee: Desperate Dan has a magic shield and everyone else has guns that make people die if you keep pointing them correctly. Well, maybe I'd be less dismissive of them if the rest of the game wasn't so bloody boring! [while he speaks, Yahtzee tosses out the gun with a "feh", and the scene cuts to him sleeping in bed near the TV]
- Yahtzee also talks about the increasing number of enemies:"Eight hours in, I was only on mission five 'cos every mission was tortuously stretched out into room after room after room of inexhaustible supplies of dudes with way too much health who just keep spawning and spawning and talking in run-on sentences." [as he speaks, imps are gathered in a pile in one of the three boxes (middle one), followed by another pile of imps, this time with huge biceps, in the box on the right]
- "Playing Fuse is like having a conversation with a really thick person."Yahtzee: Alright, Fuse, what have you got for me?
Fuse: [in a dopey voice] Cover-based shooting!
Yahtzee: Yeah, that's pretty evident, what else have you got?
Fuse: ...I don't get you.
Yahtzee: Well, cover-based shooting is more of a connecting element than a central one. What do you have besides cover-based shooting?
Fuse: ...You could stand up.
Yahtzee: If I stood up, would I get shot?
- Yahtzee pointing out the pitfalls of how to name a game: the many analogies (all of which are funny in their own way) are capped off with him saying the title SHOULD NOT be something gaming journalists can twist into snarky headlines: "'Remember Me?' Kinda forgettable. (Puts on Cool Shades and smokes a cigar) Arf-arf!"
- Yahtzee complimenting how Nilin's butt is framed on the cover, claiming he likes to pretend it's saying the title out loud (complete with a Speech Bubble framing the title coming out of Nilin's ass).Nilan's Butt: Remember Me!Yahtzee: Certainly will!
- The constant jabs at how blatantly obvious the story is trying to set up the Plot Twist to the point it's The Un-Twist, to the point Yahtzee claims the game was yodeling "TWIST! TWIST! TWIST!" like a mountain-top pretzel shack.Yahtzee: "Finally, without wishing to spoil, the twists I came up with were WAY better than the ones the plot actually had. Not that I'm spoiling that there's a twist. Maybe the twist is that there is no twist, you just don't know. Maybe the twist is that this review won't end two words from now." [Beat] "DOUBLE TWIST!" *holds up two pretzels*
- The revelation of one the characters being named "Edge" ("revolutionary leader and former U2 guitarist"), eventually leading to several hilarious jabs at Bono.
- From the very first line, Yahtzee isn't messing about with his disdain for the entire E3 mess.Hey, who's excited for the cavalcade of cutting-edge entertainment announced at this year's E3? Cockheads, since you ask.
- Depicting the PR outcomes of both the XBox One and PS4 with with an image of a paddling pool, where Sony proclaims itself "KING O' DA POOL", followed by Microsoft drowning itself.
- On Mirror's Edge 2: "What's that? You were hoping to see some of the free-running gameplay in the free-running game? Well, hope into one hand, shit into the other, and see which one fills up first, motherfucker."
- The idea that Yahtzee has been sending Valve love cards complete with little pasta shells.
- Microsoft at the International Don't Fuck Up Championship, stabbing itself repeatedly in the gut while screaming "It's for your own good. It's for your own good!", paving the way for Sony to win the Sickest Burn in the History of the Universe trophy simply for saying "I don't want to stab myself in the stomach, that shit hurts".
- His take on Ryse: Son of Rome being too much like current military shooters: "Now all we need is a derisive pun. Medal of Roma: Aegean Warfighter? Call-igula of Duty? Return To Castle Vulcan-stein? I'll work on it."
- "You don't see a lot of straight comedy in AAA games these days, do you, like your Monkey Islands or your Conker's Bad Fur Day or your Kane & Lynch 2."
- Yahtzee's attempts at random humour."A bunny with a pancake?" Yeah that was pretty random, well done. I can be random too, listen: "Fuck off, you perenial shitstain!" Oh sorry, I did that wrong.[...]Twatty bastardy pancakes, this is random humour, hope everyone's enjoying it.
- "I'm pretty sure the new Microsoft Word will create the design document for this if you press Shift-Control-F5."
- Where's Deadpool's giant robot spider fight and shirtless wrestling match with Senator Super Saiyan Seven?
- "Oh, don't be like that, baby! Superman 64 was years ago!"
Animal Crossing: New Leaf
- Yahtzee sighs at the fact the player can't enjoy anything they find.Yahtzee: It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss up on the beach with all your pals? No, the moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. "Oh thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, Goose-woman. It doesn't go with my place, but it would just look perfect at the pawn shop!" "Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on multicoloured- Don't care, pawn shop! Gimme my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob!"
- Yahtzee gets philosphical at the game giving the player a Self-Inflicted Hell:Yahtzee: The raccoon moneylender who gives you your home loan being the local mafia don is the obvious Animal Crossing joke, but what stuck out for me in New Leaf is that once you've paid off one loan, he doesn't upgrade your house and put you in more debt until you specifically ask him to. But that's worse! Radiohead put it best: "You do it to yourself, ba-dow-dow, and that's what really hurts". Go, run back to your newly paid-for house, lie upon your bed and listen to the ticking of the clock, you'll break! You'll be back at the house shop inside 24 hours. Paying off that loan was the only reason you got up in the morning, went fishing, exchanged the time of day with the local brightly-coloured dullards. Existing with nothing to strive for is no existence at all. A life free of debt?! You naive fool. DEBT IS YOUR LIFE!
- "All the fossils will grow back tomorrow, you can replace your broke-ass fishing rod tomorrow, we'll know if your eyeball cancer's responding to treatment tomorrow."
- "Look at you, Yahtzee Croshaw; the virile mountain lion of game criticism, excited by a flower shop."
- Yahtzee: You know, there's a theory that the popularity of violent war games in a community goes down the closer that community is to an actual war, in which case Animal Crossing is the best possible game for soldiers in World War I trenches. Maybe at the Christmas truce, they can all rise up and exchange Streetpass codes.German General: Ach, you vill reveal your secrets, you Britischer svine! At vhat time of year did you catch ze vhale shark?
Ride to Hell: Retribution
- After his episode for The Last of Us got Yahtzee a lot of controversy from the fans of the game, he suggests a "bonding exercise" is in order, which he uses as an analogy for the review:Yahtzee: Load up your shotguns, join me around this barrel, and lets take it out on some motherfucking FISH!!!
- Yahtzee then goes into elaborate detail about just how SCREAMINGLY BAD Ride to Hell is... then says that's the reason everybody should run out and buy it.
- Special mention goes for the Excuse Plot, which has the main character try to find out the truth about his Disappeared Dad, and why the Big Bad is murdering all of his relatives.Yahtzee: I'm just gonna spoil because fuck you: in a climactic showdown, the evil gang leader grandly reveals that it was all because he didn't like Jake's dad much. (beat) That's the mystery!? I assumed that much when he sent eleven-thousand murderers dressed like Guns N' Roses backup drummers!
- Special mention goes for the Excuse Plot, which has the main character try to find out the truth about his Disappeared Dad, and why the Big Bad is murdering all of his relatives.
- Yahtzee equating the game to a retarded child:Yahtzee: It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big boy pants going "I'm a real game now!" Of course you are, Ride To Hell.
- His sheer exasperation at the game's failings summarized in one line:Yahtzee: It's hard to think of even one thing Ride to Hell doesn't fuck up!!
- "Lie there and don't move." (game immediately falls through the floor)
- And despite that sheer exasperation, the best part of the video is how freaking elated he sounds to review something so atrocious.Yahtzee: Ride to Hell is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face.
- The game's full title is technically Ride to Hell: Retribution: 1%. Yahtzee clarifies the "1%" refers to an apocryphal statement that 99% of motorbike riders are law-abiding citizens, not bikers getting rich by trading stock in the knife-fighting industry.Well-Dressed Biker: (addressing two other bikers knife-fighting on a table) Hoping to see some movement this quarter, guys.
- The metaphor for Microsoft lowing their standards due to the approaching end of the console generation.Father: Alright, son; we had fun on this boat over the years, but now it's time to sink it to the ocean floor and let all the bottom-feeders live in it.
Son: But, daddy! Couldn't we just put a better engine on the boat, and not have to destroy all our cherished memories?
Father: I think someone needs to go back in the naughty-box!
- "Considering Ride To Hell, what is this, Absolute Garbage Awareness Month?"
- Suggesting that just straight out calling your game Dark is reaching the zenith/nadir of Darker and Edgier, or as Yahtzee puts it "Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off."
- "Eric is informed that he is a vampire, because a vampire drank all his blood, but either they immediately forget about that particular rule [accompanied by a illustration of a story writer saying: "Fuck it that'll do!"], or Eric creates about fifty more vampires during the course of every single combat section. Hey, I've got an idea - How about we play one of them? I wanna reroll my character into one that didn't get snake-eyes for charisma!"
- Yahtzee applying a badly written Dialogue Tree to a real conversation.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT AUDIBLE SOUND.
- Ending with:
I'M DONE WITH TALKING ABOUT YOUR NEW ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR LIVING ROOM.
- Ending with:
- Yahtzee's comments on the game's desperate attempt to hide their similarities to Vampire: The Masquerade:Yahtzee: During one conversation, Eric goes:
"TELL ME MORE ABOUT VAMPIRE SOCIETY,"and the dude goes "there isn't one, really (see, we're not ripping off Vampire: The Masquerade!)", but in his very next line, he says "I wouldn't expect a half-blood to understand". Oh, okay, no society but there is classism. Do you wanna go back and maybe write a second draft◊?
- "Hey, wait a minute! Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun?!"
- "In conclusion, suck my Dark dick! ...I mean, suck my dick, Dark!"
Mario & Luigi: Dream Team
- "The gameplay of Dream Team Bros is basically the same as Bowser's Inside Story. It switches between an isometric real world and 2D platforming inner world. Bowser's duodenum in the first case ("In yer go") and Luigi's brain in the second ("Chop Chop"). Both equally fucked up in their own special ways." (Mario, despite looking horrified from both options, opts for Luigi's brain, and you can see Luigi's head bulge from his entry).
- "It's like if Hugh Grant had stumbled into a parallel world where awkward British charm could be used to generate electricity."
Rise of the Triad
- The game bringing back the original's most beloved features:Yahtzee: So we can speed around shooting the baddies like a Starlight Express cast member going postal? [one cast member says, "Remember this."]
Rise of the Triad: Yep!
Yahtzee: And we can fire cartoonishly powerful rocket launcher in mid-air?
Rise of the Triad: Yep!
Yahtzee: And it's still fuck-all to do with Triads?
Rise of the Triad: Yep! And we still have the power-up that turns you into a dog!
Yahtzee: (gasps) With the little doggy nose at the bottom of the screen?
Rise of the Triad: Yep!
Yahtzee: And the little adorable paw coming up when you press buttons??
Rise of the Triad: Err... no, we forgot about that.
Yahtzee: ONE STAR!
- This following quote, where Yahztee explains how the remake had to adapt to it no longer being 2.5D and having such a low resolution that "enemies more than 50 yards away appeared to be camouflaged as Tetris blocks":Yahtzee: So to evoke the same spirit, they just made the graphics really fucking murky so that distant enemies blend into the background and locating the assholes turns into some kind of hardcore bullet-themed game of Marco Polo.
- The second act of the game:Yahtzee: Rise of the Triad does a very naughty thing around the second act:
Rise of the Triad: Bet you're enjoying all this fast paced violence, aren't you? But this isn't a perfect recreation of 90's retro shooters yet! We haven't had enough shitty first-person platforming challenges!! Hope you like trying to accurately jump onto tiny platforms when your feet exist only hypothetically. Because if you don't do it perfect we're going to kill you! And then laugh! And then display your corpse at the museum of failure wearing a silly hat!
- Coming off of that is his complaint that the mentality of "warts-and-all remakes" is like "Going to the Renaissance fair and getting infected with bubonic plague while the king shags your wife."
- Quicksaves > Autosaves:Yahtzee: But on the other hand it's not entirely the fault of retro-gaming. Because you know what the original Rise of the Triad had? Quicksave! Not autosave, presided-over by a sloth reading a really interesting magazine. First person jumping challenges are a bit of a pisser, but an entire sequence of the things that you have to start all over again at the slightest failure is a 12-story flying pisser circling the neighbourhood, contaminating all the swimming pools!
- In fact, it's got a lot of Toilet Humour from beginning to end.
- Yahtzee's reaction to the game mocking him for failure and the accompanying visual:Yahtzee: I'd fantasize about impaling the voice actor with an ocean liner piston, butthole-first.
- When Yahtzee compares casual games...:Yahtzee: Now when you're ready I want you to press this button. (Imp misses the button) Okay, that was slightly to the left of the button, but keep trying, you're doing ever so well!
- ...to hardcore games...:Yahtzee: Oh, look at this wee-man, thinks he can roll with us. Maybe if you ate this entire live crab right now. While I'm hitting you. With the crab!
- ...and then says that both methods are good, except when games try to have it both ways:Yahtzee: [in a burly voice] Are you the kind of hurly-burly power-armour marine that can save the planet from the giant death crabs from space? Well, prove it, by pressing this button. Now, when you feel up to it, shoot that monster that we tied to a stake and put a giant glowing arrow over. You know what, never mind, I'll do it.
- ...to hardcore games...:
- The ending:Yahtzee: Maybe they'll put more levels out. Maybe they'll remember to put some fuckin' triads in them this time.
- And in the credits:
Papers, Please and Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
- "More layers of bureaucracy are added to the process over time: passports; permission to travel; permission to work; permission to piss; permission to use run-on sentences...note "
- "If they spell their name with a different vowel once, then it's off to talk to the nice men with guns, in the building that people go into a lot, but don't seem to come out of so much." [prison building belches out imp skeletons]
- "Hey, you know who'd love to see your hairy balls? These nice men with guns!"
- Speaking of "hairy balls", at one time a male imp flashes his testicles to Yahtzee and says, "Check them."
- "Hey, you know who'd love to see your hairy balls? These nice men with guns!"
- His analogy that the limited number of upgrades you can give to your booth are about "As much use as a WiFi connection in the Auschwitz prison showers" Crosses the Line Twice by itself, but considering the game is a Black-and-Gray Morality tale that takes place in a tyrannical Ruritania, it really complements the game in a Black Comedy manner.
- His complaint that "admitting someone that seemed legit and hearing the sound of the obnoxious printer giving me a citation seized my heart more than any number of dead mums" is accompanied by an Imp tears off his head to reveal a grey alien head, the citation saying "Citation: Alien Monster".
- In a Visual Pun, Yahtzee says, "Yeah, I got quibbles," which are portrayed by the tiny imps gnawing at him.
- While talking about Brothers, Yahtzee wonders why the kids are pulling a Saving Private Ryan for their father. The visual shows the kids with army hats firing rapidly and screaming.
- About the gameplay:Yahtzee: The gameplay is best described as single-player co-op, [Yahtzee holds two controllers with both hands] and I know that sounds like saying "I'm not gay, I only suck off pantomime dames,"note [cue a guy posing next to a bearded Drag Queen] but it is! [...] Thank Christ there's no combat, it would've been like being Professor Stephen Hawking's tennis coach.
- He then refers to the younger brother as 'Custard-Head Drowned-His-Mum.'
- Right off the bat, Yahtzee pulls a brilliantly tortured metaphor:"It's like the fucking trenches of the Somme in there! Except the Allied soldiers are physically thrown at the German war machine by their commanders and every German casualty gets dragged into the Allied trenches just to have their flesh minced up and converted into rations. That'll teach me to pre-judge! Thanks, Pikmin 3, you fucking monster!"
- "And thank you, Wii U-oh, your battery died."
- Shigeru Miyamoto, complete with his trademark smile, tossing helpless cats into a canal.
- Everything involving the dodos.
- From the end credits: "The last time I threw a bunch of vegetables around, I got fired from my job at the coma ward."
Saints Row 4
- "Imagine a chart with one horizontal line labeled "Saints Row 2: Quirky Crime Sandbox," and another above it labeled "Saints Row IV: Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad," then Saints Row 3 kind of sinewaved back and forth between the two."
- Yahtzee talks about the music:Yahtzee: Saints Row IV also gets a lot of use out of licensed music. The terrorist foiling in the prologue [depicted by Yahtzee stopping bin Laden on a missile] is leant a sort of charm by having the tune of that one Aerosmith song from the Armageddon soundtrack that everyone seems to be faintly embarrassed to admit is kind of alright. And there are several other examples used to such positive effect, but I eventually realized that the reason for it all was that they did the sandbox crime game thing and licensed a bunch of commercial songs to play on the car radios, before realizing that there was literally no reason to use vehicles because you can run like an escaped chicken [which an imp dresses up as] through a redneck sex dungeon, so they crowbarred the music in wherever.
Killer Is Dead
- "You get subweapons by seducing women in what are termed the Gigolo Missions, to which I am grateful for teaching me the never-fail method of picking up women. Sit staring at them without saying a bloody word with a constant look on your face like you just caught a whiff of their panty stank and it did very little to impress, and whenever she looks away stare right down her tits like you're planning a spelunking expedition. Then having brought the mood in the room to a simmering erotic tension, SHOVE an expensive present in her face with such violence that if she'd been an inch closer, she'd need a sink plunger to pull her nose back out. Repeat until sex. At which point she will give you a drill. See, where I was going wrong was assuming that women aren't power tool vending machines with one slot for flowers and another for cock."
- "Anyway today's sword-wielding assassin protagonist is 'Mondo Zappa', whose interesting qualities kind of begin and end with his name, frankly. He looks like a nine-year-old boy who got stretched on The Rack for three days and then someone gave him a robot arm and a school uniform."
- "(Mondo's) from that school of characterization that thinks there's nothing cooler than being incapable of showing emotion, 'cause of course my granddad's been getting pussy like you wouldn't believe ever since he had the stroke."
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
- The opening:Yahtzee: If you're gonna call a horror adventure game "Amnesia", you might as well call a first-person shooter "Bullets".
- "...and while being chased down a darkened factory of death by a pigman squealing like his pork-scratchings are caught in a door-hinge is not something I would enter into without first making room in the household-budget for reupholstering the computer chair, said chair then shown with a hole in the seat and some rather dubious stains on the wall behind it.
- Confused low-brow company executive: "Couldn't we just call it Amnesia: Revelations or something?"
- Summing up the first game:Yahtzee: If you need some kind of primer on the first Amnesia game, put on a blindfold and shit yourself. That'll about bring you up to speed.
- Comparing the plots of the two games:Yahtzee: Don't worry about the plot [of The Dark Descent], because the new one's largely unconnected, besides the fact that its basically the same plot: You are a very British man, who wakes up alone in a spooky mansion with the eponymous headfart, and must make his way down to an increasingly scary environment, gradually piecing together why its gone all scary and how involved you were in the process, and I'll put down a spoiler warning here in case you work in the paint-tasting factory, but the answer is... A lot.
- SHPOILER VORNING
- Briefly calling the game 'A Sausage For Breakfast.'
- Feeling in the dark:Yahtzee: Like the previous Amnesia, if you don't find all the text documents and shit, you might feel a bit in the dark on what the fuck's going on, as well as in the dark generally.
- His final words regarding why The Dark Descent was more effective than A Machine For Pigs:Yahtzee: Being hunted through a tunnel by something that's going to pull my twat out through my nose if it finds me, now that is horror I can get a sense of. The sense is smell, and the smell is piss.
Grand Theft Auto V
- He gives his final statement as to what the game could have done better, then, after a brilliantly tortured simile involving a soldier getting his leg blown off in WWII, caps the video off with the soldier writing a letter home:"Dear Mum, Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well I managed to redress the balance somewhat...P.S.: FUCKING HELL! UAAAARRGGHH!"
Lost Planet 3
- His protests that the characters are just a collection of National Stereotypes, and how this proves necessary because, outside of their Funetik Aksents, there's no way to tell each other apart.
- His explanation about how this game and Dead Space 3 switch their signature styles with a visual of the two games running to each other and making out.
Beyond: Two Souls
- Yahtzee marks the start of another Berserk Button trend (namely the idea that every game needs to have two separate phrases marked by a colon - mostly since it indicates Sequelitis before the first sequel even gets released). He is especially peeved at how, if you only say one part of Beyond: Two Souls, everybody would confuse it for something else.Yahtzee: I've been playing Beyond!
Bystander: "Beyond" what, "Beyond" the limits of social acceptability? (cuts to Yahtzee bleary-eyed and desperately playing a game, surrounded by several jars of urine he apparently filled himself)
Yahtzee: No, I mean, I've been playing Two Souls!
Bystander: Oh right, isn't that that really hard game from BY Software — I mean, by FromSoftware?
Yahtzee: No, that's Dark Souls!
Bystander: Oh, so you were playing some game about the exploration of several human sphincters?
Yahtzee: NO, that's Arse Holes!
Bystander: So, three souls, then? Four souls, dare we dream!? [cue a guy holding three imp balloons before they increase by one]
- And just before that:
- Eventually, Yahtzee gives up on saying Beyond: Two Souls, and instead gives an increasingly hectic list of alternate titles, all revolving around having Ellen Page somewhere in themnote .
- Yahtzee describes David Cage as "a man caught between two worlds - Eagerly wanting to boldly spearhead a new genre of interactive narrative...but at the same time possessing the writing ability of a half-melted chocolate bunny rabbit."
- Yahtzee then recaps Heavy Rain (of which Beyond: Two Souls is a Spiritual Successor to) by describing it as a game that "...switched between ridiculously high-octane Quick Time Event scenes [scene cuts to a panicked guy in a car driving into an imp riding a bike, with the words "Press X to in Some Way Resolve This Situation" floating above them both] and prolonged sequences of someone bumbling around their house, looking for objects and surfaces to momentarily rest their gonads on - Like if someone intercut Dragon's Lair with security footage from my living room on the morning of a major deadline."
- Ellen Page's (Jodie Holmes) reasons for being depressed:Yahtzee: Anyway, Ellen Page is very sad her whole life because there's an invisible ghost following her around who kills everyone she doesn't like. Fucking suck it up, Ellen Page! Some of us had to make do with rat poison growing up!
- When complaining that Ellen Page spends half the game sounding like she's about to cry, and the other half actually crying, Yahtzee realizes that most of the other characters also spend their time crying, and thinks that their collected tears could irrigate the entire Sahara Desert.
- Although he admits it would be Hypocritical Humor to mock the Uncanny Valley of the facial expressions (seeing as how, as little as a decade ago, people were lucky if video game characters even moved their mouths when they said their lines), he still can't ignore the Narm of "...Whenever someone's supposed to be at the limits of screaming emotion in this game, they look more like they're concentrating really hard... on trying to do a horse impression." And that is depicted by a character going "Neeeeigh!" with a weird face, causing Yahtzee to do a Double Take.
- Initially getting excited of some gameplay in a Quantic Dream game that isn't a string of Quick Time Events "cracking off like farts from a row of nervous pigs", Yahtzee is disappointed to see that the only part these mechanics come into play (outside of the Justified Tutorial) is one stinking level (which, by staggering coincidence, was the only one showcased in the gameplay trailers).
- Yahtzee calling the game's two-player mode note the most retarded attempt at a token multiplayer mode he's seen since "The Amazing Back-Titted Woman". Cue Yahtzee staring wide-eyed at a bar at a woman with breasts on both sides of her body amiably chatting with an imp.
- According to Yahtzee, Quantic Dream handles the interesting idea of a game based around "piloting a telekinetic ghost with a grudge against furniture" about as well as "an arthritic horse trying to hold a China teapot."
- He then goes on to criticize the schizophrenic Mood Whiplash of the game's story (which is from a company and director ostensibly about pushing new and creative means of video game story-telling), claiming how at one point the story is about how Ellen Page is forced to see the grim realities of homelessness in the modern world, and in the next is about her using spirit magic to fight Native American demons.
- With a pair of hunky boys.
- Yahtzee then wraps up the review by stating he believes that the Quantic Dream games are better suited to providing psychological information on David Cage, believing that Beyond: Two Souls shows he believes in Wisdom from the Gutter and that the enemies of mankind are Corrupt Corporate Executives - that, or he's sucking up to the Hobos that he'll have to live with after Quantic Dream either eventually fires him or goes out of business.
- "In my experience, teenagers will at least wait until the second playdate before trying to burn you with cigarettes."
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD
- Yahtzee stating that the reason Link wears a green tunic in the game is because his nan wanted him to take part in Ocarina of Time cosplay. The best part is that it isn't even really a joke, since the outfit is based on that of the Hero of Time in-universe.
- "The point is, Wind Waker-Link doesn't march about with self-righteousness jammed up his arse like a frozen tent-pole 'cause he's naturally destined to be oh-so-bloody great at everything. He's a character, with flaws and goals: rescue sister, drink soup, take photos of everything for some reason."
- "Naaan, your hearty soup is flooding the potion market! Fuck Ganondorf, we need to save you from getting your kneecaps broke by the fucking potion teamsters union!"
- "That's about the final word! Except for this one: Mingegurgle."
- Even funnier when you realize that the aforementioned word actually exists!
Batman: Arkham Origins
- The numerous Appeals To Obscurity regarding the game's villains:
- "Your enemies shall define you," went the marketing tagline, in which case, Batman, you are one dull fucking son of a bitch".
- "You know, this video will pass quicker if you stop pausing it to look up who the fuck these characters are."
- At one point, Yahtzee agrees with the tagline, "Your enemies shall define you" (or as the video puts it, "Yo enemies shall define yo ass."):"Because it's true, Batman has the best villains in the business because they all reflect an aspect of Batman: Two-Face reflects his duality, Scarecrow, his use of fear and psychological tactics, Poison Ivy, his...uh...shapely buttocks. But that whole element is lost with a D-list villain lineup. I don't know what the fuck Firefly's supposed to reflect unless Batman routinely overcooks his jacket potatoes. (image of Batman in full batsuit and an apron watching an oven. Then the next slide of oven catching smoke, potatoes burning and Batman saying "FUCK" in either shock or frustration.)
- "As soon as you graduate, it's straight down to Goon Recruitment to pick up your fingerless gloves and baseball bat; unless you're a girl, in which case here are some pamphlets on ninja-ing."
- The Running Gag of people who couldnt be arsed, for example:"What shall we do for the box art, Warner Bros.?"
"Just make it a black closeup of Batman looking sad. But don't let me catch you getting arsed about it, or you'll be in trouble! When I can be arsed."
- Believing that some of Bane's new characterization in Origins is based off Bane's characterization in The Dark Knight Rises, which leads to Yahtzee vomiting when he first brings the possibility up, and making several jokes about Bane's "jockstrap oxygen mask"."Wearing Tom Hardy's jockstrap on your face just gives the game away. I learned that at the Academy Awards."
- The fact that even after the bounty on Batman's head is withdrawn, Bane is still obsessed with, as Yahtzee puts it, "getting a chance to twat that Bat. Going so far as to risk his own life to that end." And its punctuated with an image of a psychotic, twitchy-eyed Bane putting a gun to his own head glaring daggers at Batman and shouting "WHAT NOW SMART GUY."
- Black Mask hiring both Deathstroke and Deadshot is likened by Yahtzee to "inviting both Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg to the same party and insisting they wear the same outfit."
- "...But this is just the beginning, as Batman uncovers signs of a dangerous new villain unlike anything Gotham has ever IT'S THE JOKER ALRIGHT? And since his face is all over the fucking posters, I spoil that one with no shame whatsoever.".
Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
- "Instead of Future Desmond, we are now Future Silent Protagonist..."Future Desmond's tombstone: FUTURE DESMOND/NONE BLANDER
Future Silent Protagonist: (missing a face) I'll take *that* challenge
- "...an employee for a French-Canadian video game developer being pressured to produce results by their evil corporate owners. Write What You Know, ey, lads?!"
- The cameos by Connor and Wind Waker!Link (getting their ships blown out of the water by Edward Kenway).
- At one point, Yahtzee mentions the game's unlockable sea shanties. What song does he use to illustrate this subject? "Poker Face".
- The episode's entry on the Zero Punctuation Wiki heaps another layer of funny onto that scene by adding the caption, "Hope you're not expecting any applause-plause for that one, lads".
- 'Welsh pirate and bastard.'
- The following theoretical conversation, referring to Yahtzees aversion of side-quests in the previous game:"Hmm, yes, well-tutorialised. Tell me, do I ever need to do this again?"
"Well, not really, but it can help you make money to develop your homestead?"
- "...Assassin's Creed isn't a series of games anymore, Assassin's Creed is a fucking line graph! The line went down a bit for Ass-Creed 3, but now it's gone up again, and maybe it'll keep going up in the next one, or maybe it'll take another plunge. What I do know is that this line graph is being drawn on what appears to be a depressingly long sheet of paper, - at the end of which is Ubisoft and I do not like the look of that stapler it's holding!"
Call of Duty: Ghosts
- CoD: Ghosts is not "a game about the vengeful spirits hanging around an English chip shop". (Ethereal fish: "Yooouu killed meeee.")
- "...because not only is the U.S. outsourcing their weapons development to fucking Megatron..."
- Yahtzee lampshades that the titular Ghosts, despite being billed as a 'stealth unit' have zero sense of subtlety."The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerrilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions."
- Yahtzee highlighting the absurdity of the game's Excuse Plot:"So here's the sitch: the US has been invaded by all of South America. OK, gonna have to stop you there, Call of Duty: Ghosts; I get that all of your plots are birthed from the fantasies crossing the mind of a paranoid, xenophobic fuckwit as he has violent grunting sex with a pile of damp moss, but at least you used to stick to foreigners who potentially are enemies of the US, and South America has better things to do with its time than sit around shaking its fist at your freedoms all day, at least as long as association football exists! Anyway, they attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, orbital fucking missile weapon!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!"
"I don't see how I'm supposed to have any grasp of the relative enemy threat when we may or may not be packing armfuls of superweapons we forgot to mention. Like after the enemy base ram-raid, I'm told to pick off the stragglers with the robot sniper. Hold on a second, when did we set up a fucking robot sniper? What did we bring it here in? How did we set it up without the enemy noticing; did we disguise it as a badger-watching station? Incidentally, the Ghosts are well-fucking-equipped for a guerrilla unit. 'Oh, no, America has been attacked and is weakened and there's no defenses except an inexhaustible supply of tank battalions and an army of killer robots. And we would've had a doomsday satellite if the rest of the world hadn't gotten all weird about it!'
- "Just for fun I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut right at the start who immediately dies, a helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happens, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. "Dammit, the black guy died!", they seemed to say, "Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!"
- "...But somehow it's only getting worse! Black Ops II actually came across as at least slightly self-aware, and Modern Warfare 1 went so far as being profound, such as in that bit where you die slowly and horribly in a nuclear blast. If that happened in CoD: Ghosts, you'd probably just fart all the radiation out in one big heroic guff, pull the broken glass out of your eyeballs, and then use it to shiv the Ayatollah."
- When going down the list of exclusives for the Xbox One and the PlayStation 4, he comes down to Killzone: Shadow Fall vs. Titanfall, and was commenting on the latter when he's informed of a bit of new information, consequently winding up giving no points to either console:Yahtzee: But maybe- what's that? Titanfall is getting a PC release? Well that undermines the whole cocking premise, doesn't it?!
- Yahtzee's closing remark:"So at the end of that, the PS4 has the most points in this pointless-conjecture-of-games-I-haven't-played competition, and therefore has a slight edge in the upcoming grimy basement knifefight. But viewer, there lies a world outside this grimy basement: the world of PC gaming! All you have to do is come up the stairs and into the light, feel the rays of the sun and the cool breeze upon your skin then go down some more stairs into the other grimy basement next door."
- Each round is introduced with a Self-Backing Vocalist rendition of the round's title. Round Four, "Driving Aboot" has him singing "Driving about, driving about, driving about, driv-ing about" as a poor rendition of the Doctor Who theme. which cuts out just as he goes into the ooo-eee-ooo theremin part.
Ryse: Son of Rome
- Describing the main protagonist Marius "As in, 'Thank you Marius! But our emperor is in another castle. '"
- Him describing the loading screens of the Xbox One.Yahtzee: I put in the disc, and up comes an exciting next-gen percentage that takes five sodding minutes to get to 1%.
Xbox One: Don't worry, you don't have to wait 'til it gets to 100% before you can start playing!
Yahtzee: OK, so what percentage do I have to wait for?
Xbox One: I'm not telling you!
- Him blasting the plot of the game: first from the Anachronism Stew (such as Boudicca besieging Rome with war elephants), then of how it's ripping off elements of other stories on the Roman Empire.
- "Although the more realistic graphics get, the stupider it looks when enemies glitch around the battlefield in order to be in the right position for your pre-animated finishing move, like Nightcrawler has acquired a death wish."
- "But Yahtzee, the environments are pretty!" "Oh shit I forgot, 10/10!"
- Calling it the Modern Warfare shooter decked out in sandals and fashionable miniskirts, detailing all the ways in which it is and then saying "all it needs is a central cast consisting exclusively of burly white d...oh."
- Transitioning that to a final summary of the system.Yahtzee: Well, let's just say the XBone starts as it means to go on. With a brick on the accelerator and a hose on the exhaust pipe.
Dead Rising 3
- Summary of Capcom's writing process:
Super Mario 3D World
- Yahtzee commenting how the box art looks like it forgot its background and instead left a Photoshop transparency layer.Yahtzee: That was one for my Photoshop-using homies, peace.
- Yahtzee speculating that the fairies captured by Bowser might actually be criminals "wanted on multiple counts of robbery, wand assault, and being maliciously twee."
- Yahtzee brings up the catsuits and his discomfort with the game's Popular with Furries status:"Maybe it's the way characters in Cat Mode stick their bums in the air as they walk, in a way for which only the word "presenting" seems adequate. Or the "meow" at the end of the level that makes me uncomfortable, but maybe it's just 'cause I'm old and jaded enough to realise someone somewhere must be getting off to this, and I have a horrible feeling it may be Mario himself. I've been burned before by hairy, middle-aged men indulging in what they called 'harmless fun'."
- Yahtzee makes a comment about how the powerups are based off of the first thing that developers glanced at in the room, as illustrated by a generic character staring from his desk and then noticing a cat. The following illustration then shows Desk Mario.
Top 5 Games of 2013
- The opening lines in their entirety.Life is an exercise in duality. One can only appreciate pleasure if there has been pain to put it into context. The delightful taste of a Knickerbocker Glory is nothing if you've never stapled your bollocks over a worktop and set about them with a toffee hammer. Anyway, that's why I'm not allowed in the ice cream parlor anymore...
- As per 2010 and 2011, the best and worst games have an analogous experience, but here, they're directly linked to one another. For example, while the fifth best is "Earning the respect of a competent middle manager," the fifth worst is "Earning the respect of a large horny dog."
- The descriptors for tiers four and three:4th Best: Shaking hands with Kofi Annan
4th Worst: Realising your flies were unzipped the whole time you were shaking hands with Kofi Annan
3rd Best: It wasn't Kofi Annan at all, it was Nelson Mandela
3rd Worst: Hang on, Nelson Mandela's dead, and you've just committed a faux pas at an open casket funeral
- The descriptors for tiers four and three:
- Speaking of the "Shaking hands with Kofi Annan" one (Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag):Yahtzee: You know me, I hate a series that meanders infinitely on like a hamster in a Möbius strip so I was running out of patience for Assassin's Creed. "What the hell are you doing putting another fucking one out? I'd have thought after 3 was like watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special intercut with scenes from a very boring documentary about knives, you'd have the sense to consider winding this shit up!"
"Sorry," replied Assassin's Creed. "Would an exciting pirate adventure on the high seas help you stomach our distasteful attitude?"
"Yes... you fucking pricks."
- Yahtzee being outright hesitant to name-drop Ride To Hell before giving it the Lifetime Achievement Award for Total Abhorrence.
- Yahtzee further states that Ride To Hell will hold the title until a worse game comes along, which he estimates to be "around the time apes have retaken the fucking Earth!"
- Definitely qualifies as Black Comedy, but the end-of-credits message is worthy of a laugh or two:"I suspect next year will just be a bottom 10 followed by a gunshot"