Funny (Non-ZP) | Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010) | Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013) | Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016) | Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019) | Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 - )
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Let It Die
- The illustration used when describing the game's leaderboard system, which has Yahtzee sitting in the 8th place, with every player above him being given such names as "Hacky McGee" or "Sir Hacks A Lot", while anyone below him were called something to the effect of "Loser" or "Scrub".
- As Yahtzee exclaims "Shit on a midshipman's busicuit!" an imp in a sailor hat holding a cream cracker meekly asks, "please don't."
- "STILL THERE ARE WORSE PLACES TO WAKE UP IN WEARING ONLY YOUR UNDERPANTS"
Dead Rising 4
- "Now, doing nothing but comparing Dead Rising 4 to its predecessors would be a stubborn, childish, and counterproductive thing to do, so let's keep doing it."
- Yahtzee mentioning the different, intricate ways you can assassinate the targets, which he finishes off by say that you could also simply just throw a brick at the target's skull, and make a run for it while "hooting like Daffy Duck!" The animation depicts this as 47 running from several guardsmen chasing him, with his usual dour expression on his face and his arms stiff to his sides, while exclaiming Daffy's trademark "WOOHOO! WOOHOO!" sound.
- Yahtzee also has fun with 47's habit of using a Paper-Thin Disguise:
Find a nice quiet vantage spot, explode the target's shoulder grapefruit, and throw the rifle away before bodyguards burst in to investigate the shot and go "Damn! Must have just missed him. There's nobody here but a huge, ugly grimacing French chambermaid smelling faintly of cordite."
- Yahtzee's frustration with the "cockup cascade".
It starts with you trying to knock out a guard without noticing he had a friend watching you in the reflection off a shiny bellend, then a bunch of guards come over so you knock all of them out but then a civilian who's supposed to escort the icecream man to the birthday party or indeed any armed psychopath who happens to be dressed like one, gets freaked out by the 9 unconscious guards in varying states of undress and you lose the opportunity, and the cockups just escalate and escalate until you give up and reload.
Next time it goes great until someone unexpectedly walks in while you were pulling the unconscious icecream man's trousers down and gets the wrong idea
, and you have to go along with it
, meet the ice-cream man's parents, get a civil partnership
, go on a magical honeymoon to the Seychelles, and all the time the game's going "There goes the no kills bonus, and the no bodies found bonus, and the never spotted bonus, and the never accidentally got stuck in a loveless marriage bonus."
Gravity Rush 2
- Yahtzee picking on the first game for being initially on the PS Vita, therefore "was played by slightly fewer people than it takes to push a small car out of a ditch".
- Yahtzee's conversation with passer-byes on the game's plot.
Passer-By: Oh, Yahtzee, clearly you don't understand!
Yahtzee: Well then, make me understand, passing twat!
- Yahtzee describing Kat's character as "spunky and positive-spirited with this loveable air of having no idea what the fuck she's doing."
- Yahtzee's utterly hilarious snark at the crowbarred-in stealth missions:
Because when you have a girl dressed like a fitness instructor who got hurled through the window of a curtain shop, who spends most of her time flinging large objects and herself through the air and bouncing her head off lamp posts and window boxes, my first thought is that
such a person is entirely
qualified for covert ops!
- His overall description of the stealth missions also deserves mention: "I mean, I play anime superhero brick wall head-butting games to escape from shit like that!"
- What makes it even better is that this is depicted as an angry Yahtzee attempting to play the game while one of his imps with a Sailor Moon face head-butts a brick wall. Eventually, the imp turns to him and begs "Please let me go, my vision is blurring" while Yahtzee growls "Less whining!" in response.
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard
- Yahtzee uses a cooking metaphor to describe what went wrong with Resident Evil 6:
Resident Evil 6 left the franchise in a bit of a state, didn't it? Imagine a nice, fluffy omelette that you mixed together from perfectly acceptable ingredients and lovingly cooked in a pan for just long enough, but then you cooked it a bit longer, then a bit longer still and subjected it to eight seconds of concentrated machine gun fire, that sort of state.
- Ethan Winters is referred to as "Everyman Genericers".
- Yahtzee commenting on how similar the game's plot is to the one in Silent Hill 2, though acknowledging that there are some differences:
Fortunately, RE7 swiftly differentiates itself, because while James Sunderland gets drawn into a masterfully crafted atmosphere of dreadful symbolism, [triangle man says, "Check out my huge knob, I mean knife"] Ethan Winters gets a hand chainsawed off. [by an imp, no less] Well, that's much more expedient!
Ethan: Well, you've certainly brought my point across.
- The cannibalistic Bakers are depicted in the animation as bearded farmers, while Yahtzee describes them as "a family of psychotic superpowered Republicans who want to "Make Ethan's Bodily Integrity Great Again" by sawing more bits off of it." And Ethan is described as "a normal dude with all the fighting skill of a Democratic party election campaign." Yahtzee sure loves making fun of politics.
- Yahtzee on the combat-lite horror games that inspired RE 7, such as Outlast and Slender: The Arrival, "that for a while was using Steam the way parasitic wasps use the bodies of caterpillars".
The kind of thing that goes "No, you can only run away and hide, because we've decided not being able to fight back is much scarier, and it's just coincidental that it's also massively easier to program."
- Enemy catches player
- Player dies
- That's it"
- Yahtzee complains that the Molded aren't very intimidating:
"We'll throw in some standard monsters for you to kill in between the Redneck Fun Time Hoedowns. Here comes some now! Woo, scary!" I look at the monsters, and then at RE7
, and then back at the monsters. Is this a fucking joke?
They look like theme park mascots. They've got huge, curvy smiles. They look like the dude in the original Japanese Godzilla
costume went on a crash diet and fell in a septic tank. They slowly lurch around like they're balancing books on their heads, and every time I hit them with anything, they spend half an hour recoiling from it like they're trying to get me sent off the pitch.
- "After Resident Evil 6, I'd have been pleasantly surprised by a dead prawn in a sock."
- Yahtzee describes the experience in this "0th installment" as finding out how the series' MC "went from being a sharp-dressed man with a brick for a face who likes disco-stomping people to a sharp-dressed man with a brick for a face who likes disco-stomping people in a slightly different suit".
- Yahtzee's frustration with the series outlined:
I was hoping we'd have the opportunity to learn where Kazuma Kiryu got his ideas about what members of organized crime families do all day, because he doesn't seem to think it involves committing crimes. I mean, when Kiryu sees gangsters shaking down passersby for cash, his first instinct is to polish his shoes with their nose cartilage. Kiryu, that's what you're supposed to be doing, you giant prat! I mean, what's the baseline Yakuza activity? Extorting money from local businesses, right? Well, Kiryu spends a lot of time in Yakuza 0 handing out large sums of money to local businesses. Fucking hell, man! On your first day, did they accidentally play the induction video in reverse?
- "I am fond of the Yakuza games, but honestly I have trouble articulating why — which is a shame because that's me fuckin' job."
- Yahtzee calls the main character William, the first "western samurai" in history, a weeaboo, then states that he "goes down in history as the first-ever weeaboo, [because this] is roughly how the locals pronounce his name."
- Yahtzee appreciates the diverse combat engine, with an amusing caveat:
"In the end, the combat's good in the same way Pornhub is good: it's highly varied and versatile and there's bound to be something that appeals to your depraved tastes
, but if you try to make use of all of it at once you'll swiftly go blind
Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild
- Yahtzee commenting on how the many towers in Breath of the Wild make it seems like Ubisoft has been consulting Nintendo in making Wide Open Sandboxes:
Ubisoft: (talking to Nintendo) Trust me; you can never have enough towers! My games are full of 'em! I love towers! My dog is named "Tower"! I grind up towers and snort them! Sometimes at night, I take a little model of a tower and shove it—
Yahtzee: (forcibly dragging Nintendo away) Well, anyway!
- This is referenced again when Yahtzee actually praises BotW for how it handles the exploration element:
I like that you spot landmarks from towers by looking at them with your magic-smartphone-telescope and marking them off manually, because, you know, at that point in a Ubisoft game, the map would just spooge a bunch of icons like a highly aroused clown with confetti up his dick.
- The story:
Link shows up in Hyrule and finds himself tasked to rescue the usual princess by getting the usual sword and slitting up the usual bastard; [portrayed by a Messy Pig]
and in other news, the sky continues to be blue and the Trump administration fucked something up. Donald Trump:
Sharks are mammals.
- About the plot of the game:
Yahtzee: What is interesting is that Breath of the Wild takes a decisively hands-off approach to structure; the traditional Zelda linear acquisition of useful stocking-fillers that gradually open up the map is nowhere to be seen. [Imp says "I hope no one arrows me right in the fucking eye" before it is flown off on the word "Gone"] In fact, if you want, you can jog straight from the tutorial area to the final boss fight and take him on; you'll get fucking mulched, and you'll need to be conveyed back to the save point between two slices of bread, [two imps arrive on a stretcher and bring the peanut butter and Link sandwich over] but it's nice to see Nintendo finally acknowledge the many obsessive psychopaths in their core fanbase. [portrayed by a masked imp] "Hey, bet you can't speedrun this game, you insane, beautiful bastards," says Nintendo with a sly wink, knowing full well the speedrun will be online inside a day, ["braeth of teh wilt beat gammon 8:57"] and by week two, they'll be posting blindfolded speedruns on Guitar Hero controllers using only their knobs.
- Ganon is portrayed as a real-life Messy Pig with the name "(Calamity) Ganon".
- Yahtzee expressing his annoyance with the samey décor the in side dungeons:
Endless glowing cyan!
It's like being stuck in Isaac Clarke
's wardrobe during a rave!
- Yahtzee describes Breath of the Wild's take on Zelda as "an insecure nerd in so far over her head she's giving the blue balls to deep-sea anglerfish."
Zelda: [to an anglerfish] Thank you, brave hero.
- Yahtzee calls The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker "Wind "70% featureless ocean and 30% conversations with fish" Waker"; and also calls Breath of the Wild Death of a Salesman.
Horizon Zero Dawn
- Yahtzee actually praises the game for actually putting effort into justify its tropes, and managing to make it quite funny to boot:
The game doesn't have many original ideas in its head, but it absolutely takes time to justify the tropes it falls back on; like how it subtly establishes that Aloy growing up as a shunned outcast is why she does the usual solo protagonist thing of constantly mumbling exposition to herself
, like the homeless nutter she technically is
- Yahtzee struggling in trying to describe the game's suspiciously familiar Notice This mechanic in original terms:
Obviously, the number of flimsy wooden arrows it takes to pull a chrome exoskeleton apart would jeopardize the rainforests all over again, so you have to use Detective Vision— I mean, Focus Vision— I mean, that thing where everything of importance glows like the warning lights in your head when the in-laws bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner, to determine the weak points and what weapons to use on them, so you can find a good position and make pinpoint strategic attacks.
- Yahtzee mentions that none of the problems he had with the game are dealbreakers - depicted as the game swinging a hammer at "DEAL" - but it still dampens his enthusiasm, depicted by the game hitting him over the head with the hammer. Swiftly and repeatedly for a full three seconds.
- "...[Nier] was a weird action-RPG thing where, depending on your location, the main character was either a shirtless middle-aged man, or a skinny twink generally better-disposed to shirts but couldn't quite figure out the whole "sleeve" aspect."
- On this and the nature of sequels:
But after reviewing NieR
the First, I have since learned that it, too, was a sequel to Drakengard
, and I think I could be forgiven for not realising that; it might as well have declared itself a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire
, for all that it mattered. You might want to be careful, being so laissez-faire with the definition of "sequel"; next thing you know, everything will be declared a sequel to everything else, and they'll be selling Moby-Dick
in box sets with Confessions of a Window Cleaner
. Maybe we're all just sequels in this great, disappointingly long-running franchise we call "life".
Ghost Recon Wildlands
- Yahtzee calls the game "THE Ubisoft sandbox game", the ultimate distillation of their bland, needlessly large open world spattered with countless repetitive tasks designed to pad out the "content" as long as possible and appeal to 100% Completion fanatics, represented by the game box glowing with divine light and a small figure with Ubisoft's logo for a head praying to it.
- Yahtzee comparing the plot of the game to that of The Division
We now have quite an insight into Tom Clancy's view of the world; or rather the view of the world of whatever creative director is currently holding up Tom Clancy's disinterred head on a stick. The message is: "Have another cheeseburger, complacent subjects, for the government has secretly inserted packs of trained killers into all the world's populations, and the moment our way of life is kinda, sorta, indirectly threatened they are ready to step up and start shooting the disenfranchised."
- This one:
Yahtzee: Our main goal is to take down a dense checklist of leaders and underbosses [the checklist reands "Kill kill kill kill kill..." etc.] by completing a fucking endless wall of repetitive missions which we can, of course, approach in whatever way we choose, [scene cuts to a guy in a hedge with some scissors] providing we choose either stealth or a direct assault, except a direct assault may cause high-value targets to leg it, [another guy fails a direct assault and says "Fleeeeee" before the screen says "Reload!", this time with Yahtzee near the guy with scissors] so the actual choice is stealth or extra stealth with bells on. (Very quiet bells, obviously.) [while he is speaking, an imp approaches with a bell, which becomes a bell with a baby penguin on top]
- Also this one:
The extent of the squad tactics gameplay is this: you can mark up to three enemy targets, [portrayed by imps with arrows over their heads]
then press the magic button [Yahtzee blows a whistle that goes "Fweep!"]
that makes your squad instantly kill them [with a "Bam" from the guns, no less]
with no risk to you or themselves. That is not tactics! [Yahtzee stands up and says, "Who's for ice cream?"]
That is only tactics if using the fucking Warp Whistle in Mario 3
counts as tactics. [ZP Mario appears with the warp whistle and says "Tactical Level Skip Action"]
And now I've said "tactics" so many times, the word's started to sound weird. "Tac Tic", [parody of a Tic Tac]
it's the breath mint from the mirror universe."
- The Running Gag of Yahtzee killing imps with headshots!
- Yahtzee getting utterly fed up with the game near the end of the review and instead casually switching over to doing a full-on mini-review of Night in the Woods instead. As Yahtzee ends the video with giving NitW a recommendation for its strong writing, this happens:
Wait, was I talking about something else? (a dumpster with Ghost Recon Wildlands buried in it appears behind Yahtzee) Nah, can't have been important...
- Speaking of Night in the Woods:
Have you played Night in the Woods
? It's this indie game about a cat girl [Mae Borowski is portrayed by a cat-imp]
who drops out of college [she runs off into a cliff and falls...]
and comes back to her hometown [...landing in the Possum Springs that is called "Historic Bumfuckville", no less]
to find some things changed and some things the same, [Godzilla appears and says, "SCREEEEEEEE!" and the cat-imp says, "Ooh, that's new."]
and there's an undercurrent of lurking intrigue. [skull pops out of the ground and says, "Excuse me, we're trying to sleep."]
- "So in summary..." ("Sewin' summary")
Mass Effect: Andromeda
- Yahtzee's remark on the sidequests:
And so in the spirit of exploration, our hero travels to strange new worlds, seeks out new civilizations, and offers to do their laundry. Let me ask you something: if an alien came down from space and walked among us as ambassador to beyond the furthest stars, would it ever occur to you to call him over and ask if he wouldn't mind bobbing down the shops to run you a couple of errands?
- Yahtzee calls the game Mass Effect: Androgynous, Mass Effect: Automata, and Mass Effect: Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- "But as much as this extensive feature list looks good on a pitch..."
- "Core gameplay is what this ancillary fucking-about is ultimately supposed to serve; in most games, it's some kind of combat."
- "Combat in BioWare games is like managing a swimming trip for five-year-olds; you put all this effort into making sure everyone's properly equipped with floaties and carefully work out a schedule based around the skill levels of each group, ["Level 1 - Breast stroke. Level 0 - Fannying about in the shallow end trying not to urinate."] and then once you actually get to the pool, everyone [including the imp] just jumps in and pisses about for twenty minutes."
Kids and imp: Wahey!
- "...whether we respond to each dialogue with wit, with intelligence, with aggression, or like we've pounded ourselves between the eyes with a mixture of Botox and horse tranquilizer - trick question; that's every response - doesn't seem to matter one chafed mosquito nipple."
Blue Alien: "Would you like a brownie?"
Yahtzee Avatar: [thinks] 1. "I'll give you a brownie, wink wink."
2. "Brownies contain chocolate."
3. "Stick them up your big blue arse."
- Yahtzee's closing remark:
So what the hell is this tedious side-bollocks for if I can do in the final boss perfectly comfortable without it?! To see the grateful looks on the questgivers' faces? [Yahtzee has made a chandelier out of the head of a giant imp he had killed]
It's a Bioware game! They make the same face if I piss on their shoes.
- The opening paragraph delivers two jokes back-to-back:
- On the characters:
...if I like complexity so much, maybe I should stop playing games with cartoon cats [Morgana is portrayed by the Felix the Cat imp]
and girls in skin-tight vinyl [one says, "Hootcha hoo."]
who won't stop thrusting their bum out even when they're dying or bathing elderly relatives.
- Yahtzee discusses the limited soundtrack:
If you're going to make a sixty hour RPG, have a speck of fucking mercy and have more than one music track for standard battles. It doesn't matter how good the track is; "Bohemian Rhapsody
" is good, but if I had to listen to the first thirty seconds forty times an hour for three days [Yahtzee repeats "Is this the real life?" six times while lying on his back]
I'd end up wanting to travel back in time and skullfuck the idea out of Freddie Mercury
's living brain! But I digress. [text says "But I dye grass."]
- "The turn-based combat is less about standing around exchanging attritive skull clocks and more about figuring out elemental weaknesses ["Likes: Gardener's World. Dislikes: Cup Noodles."] so you can bully the monsters into giving up and take their lunch money; no, really, you can do that. You can also sit down and have a little heart-to-heart, [protagonist and demon-mask imp have tea together] which has a chance of convincing them to climb inside your Santa sack with your other stolen goods and lend you their power." [demon-mask imp pokes out of a bag and says "Let's watch Gardner's World."]
- Yahtzee notices that he was under time pressure to complete the game for the review, so he would turn down the difficulty (portrayed by a giant imp with a handle on its head) whenever he found a boss took too long to defeat.
Which probably explains why my career as a football coach ended so disastrously.
(Yahtzee's avatar staggers over to his football team covered in blood and with a pizza cutter in his hand; he exclaims: "Right, that's the other team lobotomised!")
- This one:
But if I was the sort of player who gave a shit about fully optimizing myself, [Yahtzee screws his head with a screwdriver's "squeak squeak squeak"]
Persona 5 seemed like the kind of game that would give me a fully-optimized nervous breakdown, [the game uses a giant screwdriver to screw his buttocks with a "squeak squeak squeak"]
and not just because you have to prowl the dungeons like the fucking Child Catcher [handing out lollipops and saying "Who wants lollipops?"]
striking names off your list, [masked imps pop out of the sofa as one of them says "I'd quite like a lollipop."]
not just because there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason behind what dialogue options convince the monsters to join you; ["A. You smell weird. B. I hope you die. C. Give us a snog."]
you might as well push your cheeks towards your nose and communicate in wet farting noises.
- The protagonist's stats:
- "Persona 5's story gets the basics down pat; we like the heroes and we hate the villains in the same uncomplicated way one likes McDonald's cheeseburgers and hates spiders that live in McDonald's cheeseburgers, but it does the job."
- This comment on how the game handles the passage of time:
The rub is that most of your limited number of days only have two time slots, daytime and evening, and you can only do one thing in each slot. Can't leave with more than one friend at a time or just for an hour at lunch, [Protagonist: So, how's the tragic backstory?] no, because apparently, we exclusively befriend insecure twerps [one twerp clutches the protagonist and says "Don't ever leave me."] who couldn't be any needier if they were in a permanent vegetative state. [girl lies in a hospital bed saying, "Boy, I wish someone would empty my catheter bag."] And the game's also a little unintuitive about what constitutes time slot-filling activity; [the game shows an hourglass and says, "It stopped working.] you can get the metro to the pawn shop, flog a bunch of loot from the last dungeon, take another metro to the bookshop in the red light district to buy a copy of Razzle, and no time will pass at all. But sit down at your desk to craft one fucking lock pick and there goes the fucking afternoon! And then sometimes the game goes into a prolonged story phase and several days and cutscenes will go by with no opportunity to do anything else, so if you've got rented DVDs due back, then you can piss up a chimney, Joe Titwank.
- Yahtzee explains how Persona 5 made him like the characters by unfavorably comparing Mass Effect: Andromeda to it, complete with dead salmon.
- Yahtzee chuckling at some of the remasters being recent games.
Some of the "old classics" on display this month are playing a bit fast and loose with the definition of the word "classic", and for that matter, "old". Bayonetta's
just been released on Steam, and I've got skid marks in my underpants that are older than Bayonetta
- Yahtzee sarcastically states that the purpose for remastering Bulletstorm is to let players have the original intended experience, which is to say, "pay full price for it".
- Yahtzee's response to the remastered edition of Parappa The Rapper having bad, unresponsive gameplay with the witty lyrics from "Cheap Cheap the Cooking Chicken Rap" takes the... well... cake:
"What the fuck do you want?! If you tell me to crack, crack, crack the egg against the bowl one more time, I'm going to crack, crack, crack your head against a plinth!"
- Credits Gag: "I got confused playing Planescape because I spent the whole time wondering when we were going to start escaping from the plan."
- The beginning part:
Yahtzee: In the popular sub-genre of "first-person horror games where you have all the defensive capability of a daddy longlegs in the hand of a schoolboy with a difficult home life" (of which indie developers produce at a near-constant stream because all they need is some corridors, a lighting engine, and a soundtrack made by repeatedly sitting on the arse-end of a piano keyboard), [an imp in a tuxedo and white bowtie slams the piano keyboard with its butt] the first Outlast was arguably the benchmark-setter, a highly disturbing haunted mansion ride through a corrupted asylum [sign says "Asyulm for the Cwibbly Infane", with Yahtzee in a car saying "Golly."] that illustrated just how terrifying a thing the human penis can be when it's bathed in night-vision green and bouncing festively back and forth as it comes at you in a poorly-maintained public lavatory.
- "[The first Outlast game] also had a plot that left a lot of unanswered questions, and now the sequel, Outlast 2, is adding another fairly significant one, namely, 'WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!'"
- "On the surface, the formula hasn't changed much: first-person, lost in Crazytown, lots of hiding from glowing green todgers. [an imp in a straitjacket holds a green todger on a stick next to a couch] So why did Outlast 2 feel like such a third-place trophy full of spit?"
- Yahtzee ruminating on how Resident Evil 7 might have irreversibly changed first-person survival horror games like Outlast by giving the player access to weapons:
- What clinches it is Yahtzee pointing a gun at the hiding Slender Man with the caption "Keep walking, Smiley."
- This one:
You want to know the precise moment Outlast 2
lost me? It was five minutes in, when I was spotted by the very first enemy [portrayed by an imp with a scythe going "Aha!"]
before I could possibly have spotted them, whereupon they ran up and smashed me in the dick with a scythe, and then had to endure the spectacle of blood spurting from my brand-new vagina before the quickload kicked in and I was back on my feet, ["Restored!"]
todger restored, barely fifty yards back. [an imp's voice calls out "Aha!" again before Yahtzee says, "Oh bum."]
- Yahtzee discussing the mechanic where the player can review footage to get the inner thoughts of the Player Character Blake on them; comparing it to a boring person with a video camera showing off what he recorded on his latest holiday:
"And this is the mass grave I had to claw out of, and there's me being violated, and there's me being violated from a slightly different angle, and there's me hallucinating my old elementary school, but obviously, you can't see that, because it was conjured from my fevered brain!"
- The ending:
Yahtzee: I don't know. I didn't "get" Outlast 2; I didn't "get" what the school stuff was for, or why that lady gave birth at the end, or even what made the helicopter crash in the first place, except that it was a video game intro and that's the fucking law. I'm not even sure there was anything to get; maybe it was just a slapped-together series of horror and torture porn ideas, brainstormed by a group of oily fifteen-year-olds whose parents let them drink too much soft drinks and watch late-night television. It's pretentious, as well, with all the religious imagery and messing with our sense of reality, but at the end of the day, the only thing you need to "outlast" is your fucking gag reflex.
Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3
- "But anyway..." ("Butter Knee Weigh")
- Yahtzee describing how the game sets up the backstory with the two brothers who both are snipers, and then later actually tries to make the identity of the mysterious masked sniper a twist:
"Oh, goshington ballbags, I wonder who that'll turn out to be! Who will be behind that mask when we confront this person who snipes almost as well as we do, and seems to be interested in us personally? Will it be - (dramatic pause)
- Whoopi Goldberg
? Or Cardinal Richelieu
? Charlie the Chipshop Man? Ooh, maybe it will be the competent story writer who disappeared right before the game began! Am I beating the sarcasm drum a bit too hard?"
- Yahtzee discussing how unlikable the Player Character is:
"I think his in-game character profile says it best: "North is a firm believer in America's role as World Police." [file says, "North is a hum de ham de hom de haw"]
Wait, what?! So our protagonist watched that Team America
film, and didn't realize that it was a satire
- "I feel like all the dialogue scenes North is involved with read like meeting transcripts from a support group for incredibly insecure people."
Grrr, I'm gonna kill all those motherfuckers [portrayed by imps]
and then leave Bible verses on their corpses [one of the imp corpses says "Job 3:14"]
in spunk from my incredibly huge cock. [holds up a rooster while doing so] Enemy:
Grrr, yes, do that thing you just described. I will make a note of it along the side of my even larger cock. [holds another rooster] North:
Wait, my cock [portraying the rooster he holds]
just got slightly bigger!
North is assisted by a small team of support characters, most of whom are hot women; that why he's sometimes known as "Magnetic North". One of them's sporting enough cleavage to conceal an entire manila folder◊
, and the other's got an arse like mating narwhals and wears vacuum-sealed plastic bin liners instead of trousers. [depicted by an imp with huge lips and a gigantic pair of buttocks]
They also act really catty to each other, because both of their compass roses are pointing north, if you catch my drift. It's like a fucking James Bond film, but James Bond has had all his charisma sucked out and replaced with unresolved parental issues.
- This one:
Yahtzee: After all that, the core gameplay is just sort of dull, really; you have the what-now-seems-to-be-mandatory drone to scout the area and you have to stare at enemies for ages before North will wake the fuck up and mark them. And sometimes he won't even mark them, 'cos it turns out they're unarmed workers who just happen to also be in an enemy stronghold, [North sees an imp with a sign that says "Dr. Nefarious' Kitten Strangling Plant", and he says, "Just gonna shoot your boss"] but won't attack you or raise a stink 'cos I guess the enemy soldiers are dicks about paying overtime. [imp says, "Whatevs."]
- The ending:
Effort has been made to create sniping gameplay with a degree of skill and complexity: there are always plenty of possible vantage spots, you can extend a little bipod legs and steady your rifle on a floor or on a chest-high wall, and you have to factor in bullet drop-off and wind as you change the angle of your scope in accordance with the target distance, [Freeze-Frame Bonus: imp stands next to a giant ruler and says "My head feels jolly intact today."]
OR you press the magic hold-breath button which steadies your gun even if you're holding it in mid-air with one hand on your balls and makes a big, glowing dot appear, showing exactly where the bullet will hit, so, so much for that. [another imp on a cross-hair says "Got any headache medicine?"]
I'm sure some admirable bastion of humanity will inform me there's an option to switch that off, but then I'd have to play Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3
some more, and I'd rather hammer my scrotum into a six-foot pancake and roll myself into a bollock burrito
- Yahtzee talking about the Player Character finding a note from themselves, suggesting that they better blow up the ship to save the world:
"Hey, fuck you, myself! You don't know me!"
- Yahtzee discussing how open-ended the game is, except for all the locked doors. He then talks about the space walking mechanic where the player can enter any airlock, except, you guessed it, the locked ones:
"All right, it is not that open-ended."
- The closing remark, where Yahtzee notes that the other surviors the Player Character comes across seems to treat the whole ship-wide catastrophe as a just another utterly mundane workday:
"Urgh, Mr. Henderson was in a foul mood this morning. I only stopped in to drop off the figures and then he tried to dissolve my arms and legs off with his acid-spitting maw."
- Yahtzee continues to express his distaste of motion controls, denouncing them with such analogies as being "rooted to the spot and can't even rotate without the risk of making a confession to the Church of Armitage Shanks".
- Yahtzee says that he has found out that Bela (as in Bela Lugosi) was not a vampire, but then:
Of course, he's not the vampire, but what bothers me is how, after that's revealed, the game seems so fucking pleased with itself. "Bet you thought he was the vampire, you silly sausage! Har, har, crow, crow!" Actually, I didn't, Wilson's Heart, because I was giving you one nano-angstrom of credit. And now to solve the mystery of Mr. W. Erewolf and his fondness for tennis balls!
- Pointing out the underlying immaturity of D.C. Superheroes:
The broad incredibly contrived reason running through the Injustice
property is a falling-out between Batman and Superman over whether or not killing people is good. Batman takes the position that killing is the uncrossable line where all negotiation breaks down and vigilance gives way to tyranny, while Superman takes the position that "Wah, wah, I'm really sad and cross and I'm not gonna tidy my room, so there!
- Yahtzee summing up the concept behind Vanquish as "a fun cover shooter while you glide around on your back the whole time like a prostitute on a highly-polished dance floor".
E3 2017 (mostly)
- Yahtzee is once again underwhelmed of reviewing the E3 line-up, and at the same time wishes he has more time to review Friday the 13th: The Game. He then realizes that answer was right in front of him: review E3 while using Friday the 13th: The Game as an allegory.
...so what do I talk about? This nihilistic horror experience in which a lumbering, faceless idiot endeavours to bleed numerous young people dry, or Friday the 13th: The Game
? That's when I realized the answer was staring me in the face.
- "In hardware news, Microsoft have updated Project Scorpio with a somehow even worse name: the Xbox One X. There's already two X's in "Xbox", you dozy gits; this name is starting to look like a defaced game of tic-tac-toe." (a red marker fills up most of the X's and O's in tic-tac-toe as "Xbox" and "XBone")
- Yahtzee comparing Crackdown 3's distraction tactics to "the tendency of certain public Jason players to get into character by narrating all their actions in a furious comedy bellow. I'd turn voice-chat off, but then I wouldn't be able to hear my fellow teammates calling me a cunt for not having a microphone set up."
[while Yahtzee speaks and hides behind a bush doing so, a guy behind him says, "cunt", and then "Mute cunt"]
- "Yeah, a new David Cage game about emotionless robots with only vague ideas on how to act human! Fuck, great idea, David Cage! Play to your strengths."
- The closing remark:
So that's the final comparison: Jason sucks down damage and hacks up kids, E3 damages kids and sucks off hacks.
- Yahtzee opens the video by discussing the recent wave of Roguelike indie games, and uses the opportunity for some shameless self-promotion for The Consuming Shadow:
- On Strafe being published by Devolver Digital:
It's published by Devolver Digital, because of course it is. Even if it had tried to get published by someone else, Devolver Digital would have burst in the window dressed like a highwayman and kidnapped it, because this is very much Devolver Digital's shit.
- "Stealth" is represented by The Hamburglar.
- The opening.
Imagine my disappointment, listener. (long pause as Yahtzee sighs deeply) Right, that's enough imagining!
- When the game introduces a Choice-and-Consequence System, Yahtzee reacts with exasperation:
Oh yes, and then a prisoner begs me to release him. And a bit of text comes up to none-too-subtly inform me that "My Actions Will Have Consequences!" Of course they will! Walking across a room has consequences the consequence is that I'm on the other side of the fucking room!
- And then, to his even greater annoyance, the game renders said Choice-and-Consequence System inconsequential:
So now I have to worry about my decisions mattering, until about two thirds of the way through when we switch to a different character
and they stop mattering. Christ on a camping weekend! I wish Get Even'
s game design would put on its own magic VR memory machine, relive its first planning meeting and try to remember what its core element was supposed to be. I feel like there must have been three teams, one working on a stealth shooter
, one on an atmospheric horror game
, and one on an episode of Taggart
, and they all had a big after-work sex party and accidentally put on each other's trousers!
- Yahtzee being particularity unimpressed with the name of the Player Character:
Cole fucking Black?! You raise enough eyebrows naming your character "Mr. Black", without making their first name another thing that is black. Might as well have called him "Edgewood Darkbottom"!
Hollow Knight and Dead Cells
- Yahtzee discusses how games were generally more difficult in the Golden Age of Arcade Games, but that this was a result of games at the time being "less art than rigged carnie games with no prizes."
- "Dead Cells, if anything, seems to be trying to discourage meticulous exploration. There are doors to extra bonus areas that lock if you don't get to them fast enough. 'Fuck you, door! Of course I couldn't get here in under three minutes. I passed by six tunnels on the way here and had to be extra certain that they all contained flashing red-clawed death!'"
Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy
Fifth Console Generation
- Yahtzee calling the Virtual Boy "The Masque of the Red Death".
- The return of the weird sea-mammal fetish:
But let's not dwell on the Virtual Boy, that was just an experiment that got rather misguidedly overpromoted and hey, experimentation is good. That's how we learn. How else would you know that you get sexually aroused from packing peanut butter into a dolphin's blowhole.
- Yahtzee metaphorically describing the third party developers abandoning Nintendo in favor of Sony, because of Nintendo's decision to use cartridges for the Nintendo 64, as Nintendo as a teenage school-boy being spurned by all of his friends and flirts.
- Yahtzee ruminating how on the Sonic the Hedgehog series actually avoided entering what is widely considered its Dork Age when it bumped its head against the Polygon Ceiling early during this generation when the Saturn's prospective Sonic game, Sonic Extreme, was canceled:
- On the PlayStation winning the fifth generation:
- Yahtzee's Take That on the Wii and Wii U consoles:
Today the console conflict is a three-party system. Well, two parties and one bloke chewing gummy bears in a space helmet.
The End is Nigh, and Yonder: Cloud Catcher Chronicles
- Yahtzee talking about how the current, rather dark political climate has caused the nuclear apocalypse to come back in style in fiction:
Well, it's a lovely fantasy, Millenials, but sadly we're an infuriatingly adaptable bunch. And if nuclear firestorm couldn't save us from the Bay City Rollers, it's not gonna save you from— discreetly Googles current Billboard Top 40
— Imagine Dragons
- "I turn on, and it goes 'Hello! Everything's gone to shit! I'm shit, you're shit, the world is shit! Why don't you come outside and see how shit it is, and will continue to be whatever you do.' And then, I turn off the TV news and play the The End is Nigh instead, which gives a very similar vibe."
- Pointing out the goal of the game, or lack thereof.
I think the key phrase that sums up the Yonder experience is 'What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' It is the final destination for every path you can take. You explore the island find a hidden ore vein in a cave, mine it for copper, and now you have some copper. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
Oh look a place where I can build a bridge if I bring it twenty sticks, ten vines and a tube of Pritt Stick. I leads me to an island with a treasure chest containing a vajazzling kit. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
I think we're supposed to be setting up farms, so we search the land and find the places where farms can be built, and build farms on them. What the fuck am I-
Wait! Now we can find a wild cow, wave a Curly Wurly under its nose and lead it back to the farm to make it your cow. Okay, what the f-
tatatatata! Now find an NPC whose face you particularly don't like and you'd like to see go away, feed them the entire contents of your fridge and they'll go off and run your farm for you. There you see, now you've got free milk coming out of the farm whenever you want it.
And, what the fuck am I supposed to with-?
Look, if you like directions so much, maybe we can get you a fucking kaleidoscope!
- The opening itself:
You creative auteur-type never think about the damage your genre-defying
games are going to do! Think of all those innocent shitheads in the 2000s who bought Killer7
, because it was tentatively classified as a shooter, and ended up tragically suffering independent and generally becoming better human beings. And now, look! What convenient catch-all umbrella label am I supposed to put on Pyre
, Supergiant Games
? I suppose there is always "action-adventure", but that is about as informative as a 19th century sex-manual! Oh, you want to "think outside the box" do you? Well, maybe sometimes I like being in a box, 'cause it's warm in a box, and safe, and sometimes it contains packets of Cheesy Wotsits
- Yahtzee describing the plot of the game:
Buckle up while I try to explain this: In a oppressive fantasy kingdom where literacy is banned — perhaps the most sensible reponse to popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey
books — you — by which I mean the player character
, not the greasy, unpleasant serial-masturbator watching this
— are a scholar exiled to the wilderness below the civilized world, who hooks up with a group of fellow exiles, that needs you to read a book they found, that tells them about the secret rituals that have the power to free them from exile. For some reason, it turns out the rituals all involve going up against a similar group and competing to throw a ball into the other team's hole. If it seems like a rather contrived explanation for the 3-on-3 basketball thing, it's because it bloody well is!
- As he notices that he actually found the story and characters of Pyre rather compelling, despite it on the surface being a "Bioware Bro Buffet" (a good chunk of the game is spend gathering up a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits NPC companions who each represents a major sentient race from the setting), and uses the opportunity to get another dig in at Mass Effect: Andromeda:
I should have remembered that Supergiant Games are pretty good at this whole interactive-storytelling lark, and scratch my scrawny scrotum
if I didn't genuinely wanted to see what happened to these characters. We call it the "Bioware
Bro Buffet", but between this and Persona 5
, Bioware seem to be the worst at it. Again, I like the Pyre
lads a lot more than I did the Andromeda Burger King Kids' Club in spite of them being still images that didn't make any effort to emote — or, possibly, because of
. (the accompanying illustration has one of the Andromeda NPC glaring at the other with dead, dull eyes and demanding that the other NPC kiss them on "THE BOOBS")
- Yahtzee bewildered to the amount of Furry Fandom playing the game.
"Actually, a lot of the messages I saw were related to furries, for some reason: 'I have a fur-sona', 'Hooray for furries', 'I wish it to be known that I am a very unreliable dog-sitter.' Was there some kind of call to action in some dark, embarrassing corner of the Internet? Does a squid-human hybrid count as a furry, strictly speaking, or is this just a case of 'any port in a storm until the new Sonic
comes out and they can all wank themselves cross-eyed
- Yahtzee's unsubtle Take That to a specific condiment.
"It started with a TV asking me if I preferred ketchup or mayo, so like any red-blooded Englishman, I chose ketchup over that insipid, colorless McChicken Sandwich
- Deducing that the lack of Team Mayonnaise opponents in the ketchup vs. mayo Splatfest was likely the result of a glitch that rendered Mayo players as Ketchup players leads Yahtzee to this anecdote:
"You know what, I kinda suspect it was a programming fuck-up, 'cause I noticed one of the dudes in the opposing team on one match went by the name "Agent Mayo", and it seemed unlikely that such a person would be ketchup-aligned... unless he was a Double Agent
Mayo, in which case, watch your back, agent! Team Mayo don't forgive turncoats! You can run, but they'll find you in the end; you'll be walking the streets of Rio one day, thinking you've finally lost them, when you turn around and BAM! Ruined chicken sandwich
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
Agents of Mayhem
- "You were traversing huge sections of maps so fast you couldn't tell where the fuck you were going and you were afraid to press anything, in case you accidentally jumped up the dilated exhaust pipe of a giant, robotic ass."
- Yahtzee argues that the main problem of the Genesis Sonic Games (and by extension Sonic Mania) is that the gameplay focuses on speed and not enough exploring.
But if you want to explore (and spoiler alert, you do, cuz that's how you get the Chaos Emeralds and avoid the post credits screen with Doctor Robotnik provocatively waving his bullocks at ya) then you have no way of knowing if a given path will take you to some lovely secrets or will lock you into a gun barrel that fires you halfway across the map, through nine loop-de-loops and the intestinal tract of a whale, before slamming a Point of No Return
door shut behind you with a great big middle finger painted on it.
- The Stinger. A hedgehog (representing Sonic) is stuck up against a wall too high for it, and a fox (representing Tails) flutters down. Panicked, the hedgehog tries to jump and flee but the last shot shows the fox eating the hedgehog.
Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle
- "Nintendo, what the steaming cross-eyed fuck is this? I'm still trying to get my head around it. A crossover between Mario and Raving Rabbids using turn-based XCOM style combat? What is this, a fucking Mad Lib? Or did someone lose a bet? If only you'd won the beer pong tournament at the last game dev party, Sony would have had to develop a city management sim starring Crash Bandicoot and Pyramid Head."
- "But when you set out to partner up with Ubisoft, was Raving Rabbids honestly the best option to crossover with Mario? I mean the Assassin's Creed series is also frequently based around jumping on people and already has a bunch of comedy Italians in it."
- Yahtzee being amused by the subversion of Peach's usual role as a playable character:
You may notice that at no point did I mention Princess Peach getting kidnapped, because this is one of those rare occasions when she gets to be a party member with some appropriately twee skill, like group healing, or umbrella floating, or in this case, wielding a giant, explosive close-range death cannon
- Yahtzee going off on the Excuse Plot:
The intro spent just a bit too much time establishing the incredibly contrived series of events leading up to the crossover, so I'm assuming Ubisoft had the larger hand in that side of things; if it had been left to Nintendo, it would have been "Mario and Rabbids meet in a field, Bowser kidnaps Princess Peach, and here's some horrible motion controls we're not going to let you turn off
". Basically, someone invents a device that combines two things into one thing, Rabbids randomly show up and nick it, and the lab is, for some reason, full of Mario action figures. And for this reason, they all get teleported to the Mushroom Kingdom, where Mario and Princess Peach are going through the tense motions of yet another day of meaningless royal ceremony and passionless Pity Sex
. Mario and chums must then restore order by murdering all the unwanted foreign immigrants
with the aid of some Rabbids who have dressed up like Mushroom Kingdom residents to show their willingness to collaborate with the Peach administration's genocidal atrocities
. And everyone gets a gun, somehow.
- "There are eight playable squad members; Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi and Rabbid equivalents of each, and only three to a squad, so what if the player only uses Mario, Luigi and Peach the whole game? It wouldn't be Mario and Rabbids at all then, it would just be Mario murdering Rabbids, and we've been skating on thin ice with the racism thing ever since we gave Mario an outrageous comedy Italian accent. So the game flat out forces you to put at least one Rabbid character in your party. No explanation is offered, the game just grays out all the home-team Mushroom Kingdom lads if you've already got two, so if you want to team Luigi's long-range focus with Peach's short-range superioritynote , then you can eat feces fettuccine, my friend. This might be the first example of a gameplay mechanic introduced solely for the sake of the contractual obligations of its characters."
- The review's Running Gag, wherein Yahtzee makes no secret that he sees Bungie's gameplay designers as rather creatively bankrupt, describing most of the game's quests as being a matter of "going to a place and shooting some lads", before finally depicting the gameplay design department as a team consisting of two chimps in a room.
- The final section of the review has him go on a monologue appreciating an intricately designed, non-repeating pattern of lines and right angles in a Vex level and feeling great intrigue and sympathy for the game artist who created it. When a Viewer tries to get Yahtzee to talk more about the game, his response is one big Take That to Destiny 2 and Activision:
"Are you sure there isn't something else about Destiny 2
you'd like to talk about, Yahtz? Like, say, the PvP? Or the level design? Or the fact that the three different categories of weapons [held by two imps]
are now called something different to what they were called last time?" ["Primary = Kinetic. Special = Energy. Heavy = Power."] No
! I want to talk about how I stared at a wall for five minutes and it was somehow the most interesting part of the game! I'm starting a new wave of game criticism right here. It's called "Up yours, Publishers."
Knack 2 and Steamworld Dig 2
- "Yes, Knack was cack, but Knack 2 is cack poo."
- Yahtzee's comments on the Lucas character:
"Knack, for 'tis his name, is also an unstoppable fighter and problem solver with a very good speaking voice, whose existence is shrouded in mystery, and yet, despite being the player character, he doesn't seem to be the protagonist of the story; that honour goes to a drippy little teenage twat who hangs around with Knack to form a highly effective world-saving partnership. Knack provides the muscle, the intellect, the lucrative royalties from his side-gig recording audio books, and the kid provides... Err... A nice flat head for Knack to rest his beer on
. And yet, the game persistently focuses on the little bastard and his problems, as he whines about no one taking him seriously. Maybe that has something to do with the way he sits on his arse the whole time, letting his bucket of Rubik's cubes do the work."
- The dig at Little Britain:
"A carefully rehearsed and well-timed comedy routine will always beat someone reading aloud a list of their favourite swear words... Unless you are on BBC Three
- The accompanying illustration shows Yahtzee placed in front of his TV, which excitedly exclaims "Wanna see more Little Britain?", to which a bored Yahtzee replies "Not particularly".
- The opening lines have Yahtzee hit a Rhetorical Question Blunder:
- The intro has Yahtzee wondering why he likes Nintendo Hard gameplay and prefers games with depressing stories. He goes on to contemplate if his taste is a result of some childhood trauma, but notices that it is hard to tell as many of his memories from the time seem to be suppressed:
Yahtzee's suppressed memory: I can't believe anyone would love a shit like you.
- Yahtzee contrasting The Golden Age of Animation with The Dark Age of Animation, when he notices that Cuphead actually managed to capture the darker elements of the former pretty well (while taking an angry side eye at Epic Mickey):
See, back then, it wasn't generally understood that kids needed to have their delicate sensibilities protected, as odds were pretty good they were all going to die in a European trench war before they turned 18, anyway. So thematically, cartoons were lighter on wholesome lessons about friendship and heavier on skeletons and racism. Care Bears:
Believe in yourself! Cuphead:
I believe I hate the Japs!
- Yahztee's portrayal of the Devil as a gun-wielding red-skinned horned devil with an ugly face threatening the player while said player is trying to take a contract from a begging debtor is hilarious.
- The Running Gag of trombones going "PARP!" is very funny, especially in this part:
But I think it's the overall scratchy look and feel that makes me think the little girl from The Ring
could push out of the screen at any moment and start making comical trombone noises. [cue Samara/Sadako poking out of the TV and playing a trombone's "PARP!" while he is speaking]
- The imp with its head replaced by a cup and holding a magnum gun and the action of trying to face a tough boss is downright hilarious, especially when the imp beats a flamethrower, only for the flamethrower to open up with fire from its tip. Cue the Oh, Crap! from the teacup-imp before the flamethrower incinerates it.
- Yahtzee comparing Captain Brineybeard to a picture of Captain Morgan from its rum ad.
- About Ruiner:
Yahtzee: Yeah, the fights were hard, [scene shows an imp with a giant sword fighting Yahtzee with a much smaller sword, in a tunnel, no less] but I wasn't getting that all-important sense of payoff; [Yahtzee fells the imp, which says, "Ow, I die!" and Yahtzee says "Cough it up."] all I felt I was "earning" was more chances to fight boring gang members in murky environments. [a cluster of imps gathers up and says, "We'll show 'em."]
- The closing comment, where Yahtzee discusses how Cuphead's appeal stems equally from its unique style as well as its difficulty:
Hob and Hat in Time
- The opening:
(Yahtzee's avatar sits forlornly in front of his computer) Okay, Yatz, you can do this. One more week before the big releases start, and then you can stop pretending anyone gives a shit about indie ga— (Yahtzee's avatar looks up at the viewer) Oh! Hello there, viewers!
- The bit on Hob:
does do a good job of executing what it sets out to do: the air of wandering adventure, of secret purpose, of boredom, [Yahtzee falls asleep in one scene]
and exploring the ruins of strongholds and cities once mighty, if boring, [he falls asleep in another scene]
, [imp sprays sleeping gas on Yahtzee, who falls asleep yet again...] boring, boringly boring
. [...followed by a sleeping-Yahtzee-pileup]
Don't misunderstand me, Hob
It sounds like you think I'm boring, Yahtz. Yahtzee: All right
, I guess you haven't
- Yahtzee describing the Genre Shifts in A Hat in Time as "getting the current president to type up his fucking manifesto!"
Donald Trump: (with a confused expression) Wait. I seem to have forgotten what I fervently believe today.
- "[A Hat in Time] succeeds where Yooka-Laylee failed because it keeps the pace up and has some decent funny writing that can be self-aware without having to constantly suck its own dick for being so clever, and physically flexible."
Yahtzee's avatar: (looking in horror at Yooka-Laylee doing the aforementioned activity) Bloimey!
- "A Hat in Time cites Super Mario Sunshine as an influence, and that's pretty clear from how you repeatedly go to big hub levels to attempt different challenges..."
1. Kill the man
2. Find the things
3. Molest a cat
4. Eat a swingset
5. Teach self-respect
- The conclusion:
Yahtzee: But there's a simple metric to determine which game is best: I woke up on Thursday morning thinking, "Oh Christ, I suppose I should play more of that boring Hob game today. Oh well, maybe I'll find a piece of forgotten architecture that looks vaguely like a tit," whereas I woke up on Friday morning thinking, "Oh boy, I get to play more Hatty Time today! I hope I get to jump on a penguin!" [scene cuts to Yahtzee playing Hob with the imp playing a violin next to him...] I play Hob, and I stroke my chin and think, "Hmm, yes, very atmospheric. What an artful, tacit lesson on the excesses of civilization," [...before a building falls on top of the imp and the violin, squashing them flat] and then I play Hatty Time and, conversely, feel like I'm having fun. Fun? Fun. Fun... Oh, yes, I remember that; isn't that the thing we're not supposed to have any more, [the word "fun" is tied by chains with padlocks; scene cuts to Yahtzee having a birthday cake next to two imps in party hats] that's supposed to disappear on our twenty-fifth birthday to be replaced by very serious concerns about fiscal stability? [the Yahtzee avatar says "I'm disappointed by my stock performance."]
Super Mario Odyssey
- Describing Bowser's evil plan of kidnapping the Princess and then planning a wedding ceremony as "adorable":
Bowser is a properly raised fire-breathing lizard tyrant; he's not gonna father a bastard rape baby! How would he explain that to his parents?
- The list of essentials Bowser is gathering for said wedding:
- Describing the main as gameplay mechanic as Mario acting like a "Cordyceps fungus with a slightly racist accent", in that he overwrites his victims free will, complete with the accompanying illustration where Mario's unassuming victim starts screaming in agony with blood coming out their eyes. To further the gag, it's accompanied by Mario taking a page out of Celebrimbor's book.
Mario: Suffer-a me now!
- The tangent on the implications raised by the more realistic humans who live in New Donk City:
This is the same City World that's populated with realistically-proportioned humans, by the way, which, for me, raises the question of what the fuck Mario is, if not a human like these lads. Some frighteningly malformed species of hairy pygmy? (the accompanying illustration has one of the "normal" humans shouting "Shun the tiny freak!" at Mario, who quietly slinks away in shame) It's one of the things that underlie how Mario is now essentially just a brand with no consistent tone that can be put alongside literally anything without a blink. See also the realistic dinosaur we possess in the first world for all of two minutes — I suspect just so they could put it in the fucking trailer.
- Yahtzee adds that there is "a strange interlude late in the game wherein Bowser shows up riding a fucking Dark Souls boss! I guess it's not really a complaint; it's just not fair on other games that worked jolly hard to keep a consistent visual tone."
You wouldn't see Dark Souls
introduce cartoon mushroom people out of nowhere — (An image of the Mushroom People appears, who are then covered with a Censor Bar)
Ahem. Moving on...
The Evil Within 2
- This observation on the corporation's Evil Plan hinging on kidnapping Sebastian's not-so-dead daughter:
Please note that they didn't do this because Sebastian survived the first game or to get any kind of leverage over him; it's all just a massive coincidence.
(while carrying off his daughter, the corporation agent notices Sebastian hanging around in the background and comments "Fancy meeting you here!")
- The Lampshading of some Fridge Logic moments involving the whole virtual world set-up:
Also, the relationship between real and virtual worlds confuses me. Everyone in the virtual world has a body in the real world, right? So why is Sebastian the only one we see in the plug-in room? Why doesn't our contact on the outside just go to the bodies of the troublemakers and stick an ice pick up their nose? We help one bloke escape the virtual world, but how did that work? They escaped, woke up in the real world facility, then politely asked the mega-corporation not to immediately shoot them in the face?
- The closing bit where Yahtzee chides the developers for a lack of creativity:
The virtual world gave them an excuse for literally infinite creativity, and all they made was a bog-standard Midwestern town. Bad enough the mega-corporation is evil without being boring as well! "Ooh no, we can't make all the buildings out of gingerbread. What would market research say?" They'd say, "Chomp chomp! Yum yum!"
Middle-earth: Shadow of War
- Yahtzee describing the Weaknesses of Orcs:
Some of them are weak to arrows, some to fire, some of them are scared of flies, some of them are scared of public speaking, so you have to do a grab attack and throw them onstage at the Academy Awards...
(cue an imp being tossed onto a stage with a lectern where a dozen imps are in tuxes)
- Then describes the new Betrayal mechanic:
Maybe you'll try to summon your bodyguard and some enemy Captain shows up instead, waving your bodyguard's willy on a lanyard, or your bodyguard does show up, but he betrays you because he's sick of having to worry about people putting his willy on things.
- Yahtzee complaining about Talking Is a Free Action during Captain introductions:
One thing I could do without is the way every Captain has to give a fucking acceptance speech when they arrive (an Imp Orc states, "Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...")
, and you and all the orcs you were in the middle of fighting to the death have to stand still and listen to a paragraph of threatening banter they've probably been rehearsing for days. (an Imp Orc comes in asking, "Am I late", and being shushed by another Imp Orc)
And now I'm wondering who the fuck's educating these orcs, because one of them, in their opening remarks, knew what a fucking metaphor was
. Are there orc liberal arts professors somewhere, assuring each other that stamping out ignorance of advanced language techniques is also basically the same as fighting?
- During the end credits: "And don't go filling my ears with any guff about how The Silmarillion says Shelob is actually the daughter of the elven god of low-cut dresses or whatever bullshit"
Assassin's Creed Origins
- Yahtzee summarizing the series:
is a once interesting historical adventure series, that became part of the collective Ubisoft sandbox, a sort of amorphous blob of mediocrity that comes around to haunt us every year or so, like a monster from a lower-rent Stephen King
book. It went on bit of a hiatus to see if it could find a way to recapture the magic, and after two years of thinking very hard, this is what they came up with: A prequel with the subtitle "Origins". Whoever's job it is to prevent the Ubisoft creative team from committing mass-suicide, they cannot possibly
getting paid enough! I was about to make a joke along the lines of: "When can we expect Assassin's Creed: Reloaded
and Assassin's Creed: Revelations
?" 'Cause I'd genuinely forgot they already done that one
- The commentary on the microtransactions:
Triple A games are now merely platforms for blatant attempts to fleece money from colossal dimwits, that somehow has financial independence despite not being able to open a tin of beans without losing an eye. And then the publishers will say: "Hey, just because we've erected a giant sign saying 'Please jump off this cliff and dash yourself to death on the jagged rocks below' doesn't mean you have to do it!" Granted, but I object to the way most of the game takes place in the shadow of the giant sign and the rest is spend perched astride the giant sign!
- Yahtzee then points out how transparently stuff like character levels ties into that microtransaction scheme:
I can't think of what other purpose giving every character a level could possibly have! It's certainly catastrophic for immersion, when everything more than two levels higher than you will just mash you into a fine paste, even if you do get a stealth attack on them. One would think that a hidden blade to the windpipe would be a pretty decisive argument-ender no matter how many press-ups they did that morning.
- Yahtzee takes umbrage with time frames in this game:
Don't expect this being ostensibly the origin story of the Assassin Order to mix up the formula much. I remember feeling profoundly disappointed with the scene where Bayek's missus gives him a hidden blade and says "This is a weapon from ancient times." BITCH, WE'RE IN ANCIENT TIMES.
- The commentary on the inclusion of ship missions:
Does Ubisoft think we now expect Assassin's Creed to have ship combat, because Black Flag had it and it was a little beacon of joy, glimmering all too briefly from inside Ubisoft's churning mass? Because I don't want your ship combat if you cynically crowbar it in, like a nice ball of glittery tinfoil to look at while we are getting sodomized over a recycling bin!
- Yahtzee then tries to be positive:
And now, a list of things I liked about Sack of Greasy Oranges; don't worry, it's brief! The scenery is nice... Uhm... Removing the minimap and getting by on scouting with the eagle works pretty well, although it does make it way too easy to mark targets, and even without the minimap, the quantifying of everything means the screen's still sprinkled in bullshit— Oh, how embarrassing! This list of things I like has somehow turned into more gripes!
- Yahtzee goes "Yaaay!" at the sight of the box art labeled "Sonic Sodomy".
- Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Amy are portrayed as real-life animals with some color changes for the hedgehogs, along with a real bee with a smiley-face ("Charmy the Fucking Bee").
- "You're not funny, Sonic the Hedgehog; you talk like a dorky high school kid who read a book of Yo Mama jokes and then marched confidently into his school cafeteria somehow convinced he wasn't going to walk out of there with an entire lunch tray shoved up his arse."
- Yahtzee explains some of his own Insistent Terminology:
...So Dr. Robotnik [portrayed with two paintbrushes for a mustache] — yes, I know we've officially switched to "Eggman" now, but the bloke who invented the GIF format still pronounces it "Jiff" and he's still fucking wrong!
- On Sonic being taken prisoner at the beginning of the game:
And as for Sonic being indisposed, this lasts for all of one mission before he's suddenly disposed again; they talk a big game about him being imprisoned and tortured, but when we do bust him out, he's just sort of standing around, none the worse for wear. In fact, I don't think the door was even locked! Incidentally, this section includes my favorite line of dialogue in the game, to wit: "The prisoners are being held in some kind of internment facility!" ["An actual line someone got paid money to write"] So a prison, then; nice to see that sterling resistance intelligence network in action.
Turtle: [on a SIGINT desk] Help, I fell over.
- And Sonic promptly returning, thereby making your custom character as redundant as a fifth wheel on a shopping trolley:
After this, we have to play as Sonic for about half the game. Um, wasn't this supposed to be about our custom protagonist developing into a hero? [Sonic Forces game barges in] "No! More Sonic! Don't you understand? Sonic is the coolest! [Sonic briefly appears wearing sunglasses and saying "You know it, bitch"] You'll play him for half the game, and for half the remaining levels, you will have to be holding hands with Sonic the whole time. And then at the very end, if you're very lucky, Sonic will fist-bump your custom protagonist and tell them they are a 'cool dude'. You will then be provided with tissues to mop up your gushing orgasm." [Catzee blushes stating 'Senpai noticed me!']
- Yahtzee's obvious preference for his own character versus Sonic, depicted in the video as a picture of a cat wearing his distinctive trilby, suggesting he's Not So Above It All where original characters are concerned. Fans have noticed, and called the result "Catzee."
- "Tons of potential there: an unproven character having to earn their way to the level of power and acclaim Sonic already has..." In a Freeze-Frame Bonus, a fox holds a sign that says "Sonic, let me nosh your spiny naughty hole."
- "Where's the bat with the huge tits?"
- In The Stinger he says the scariest thing about Charmy the bee is that somewhere there's an "entire hive of those motherfuckers".
Star Wars Battlefront II
- The beginning:
Remember back in the arcade heyday when video games were nice, innocent things [Ms. Pac Man appears in a bowtie and gains a mouth that says "Feed me" to a child collecting money bags]
that just wanted to ruthlessly drain the pocket money from children with no more reward promised than the chance to put a three-letter swear word on the high-score table? ["LIK: 12563 MY.: 9441 ASS: 9320"]
How things have changed! Star Wars Battlefront II
took one too many trips to the cookie jar, [Cookies: "Micropayments. DLC. Season Pass. Deluxe Edition. Base Game."]
and now they've spoiled it for all the other kids.
- Yahtzee declares that EA is taking Refuge in Audacity.
If you've done something shitty, follow it up with an even shittier thing and the first shitty thing will be swiftly forgotten and normalized. Take EA's advice: if you get caught cheating with your wife's sister, double-down and fuck her guinea pig as well
- Which comes back in The Stinger with "Fuck EA and fuck EA's guinea pig."
- Immediately before that line, he remarks that it's becoming "an increasingly popular strategy" and accompanies that remark with a large picture of Donald Trump next to an equally-large "(IMAGE UNRELATED)" tag.
- And just beforehand:
- There is also some of the accompanying animation, which depicts Yahtzee's avatar standing with a gun in his hand, a dog lying in a pool of blood in front of him, and a man behind him exclaiming "You shot my dog!" In response Yahtzee's avatar quickly and casually puts the gun over his shoulder and shoots the dog's owner right in the forehead. This causes a bystander to exclaim "You killed a man!", while Yahtzee's avatar disappointed mumbles "No one ever remembers the dog..."
- Yahtzee describing the single player campaign:
We kick off playing as Iden Versio, a commando and true believer for the evil Empire [Iden adores a bust of Emperor Palpatine and says "So rugged."]
with a name that sounds like a low-market electronics company from Eastern Europe. [imp in a cowboy hat arrives at a bus stop near Yahtzee and says "Wanna buy a Versio?"]
She flies around the galaxy doing commando shit with her two squad members: Del Meeko, [who says "Nyehhh"]
a slightly nerdy bloke with the word "meek" in his name, [says "Meek meek" like a rat]
and Hask, a sneering Imperial blue-eyed boy [Hask gives a salute and says "Heil!"]
with the word "ass" in his name. [gives out a fart]
So here are the things we immediately know for absolute certainty will happen: the Empire's going to get its shit pushed in, [a Palpatine look-alike gets his lightsaber shoved up you-know-where and says "Ow, me bum"]
Versio's going to switch sides, kill Hask in a boss fight at some point, [Hask jumps in with a lightsaber and yells "Traitor!"]
and some ghoulish recreation of Carrie Fisher
's corpse will probably call her a "cool dude" and give her a fist bump
- Yahtzee comments early on how EA's games with "battle" in the title tend to separate singleplayer and multiplayer by several degrees, and he was actually quite fine with that fact, until he met with a nasty surprise when he completed the singleplayer campaign...
I'd love to comment on Battlefront II's ending, but it doesn't seem to have one. You think it's going to have one, and then it just doesn't, but don't worry; a text caption assures us that the story continues in multiplayer. Well, fuck me for trying! There I was, giving the benefit of the doubt, only for the doubt to be farted on and thrown back in my face! I felt sorry for you, story campaign! I thought it was a shame you were forced to hang out with your ugly roommate who charges micropayments before they'll do the washing-up; I thought I could take you out by yourself and maybe we could all have a little fun and take our minds off your ugly roommate! Little did I realize he was setting up a fucking threesome!
- "Here the game presents the purest definition of a missed opportunity: fighting as a Storm Trooper on Endor and not getting a chance to shoot any fucking Ewoks."
Storm Trooper: (standing outside an Ewok's home with a "Gone to Lunch" sign hanging out of it) Fuck's sake.
- Mislabeling "gameplay" as "Gaymplae!"
- "Press X to Administer Shiatsu Massage"
South Park: The Fractured but Whole
- "There is actually a clever joke in that subtitle; did you spot it? Fractured but Whole? That's right: You can't have something that is fractured and whole at the same time! Oh, the mind-bending feats of wordplay of those clever young whippersnappers who make South Park. Clever middle-aged whippersnappers, rather. Middle-aged whippersnappers still making a living out of poo-jokes. My goodness, my glass house is sparkling delightfully in the morning sun! What a nice day to indulge in my favourite hobby of projectile mineralogy."
- This is immediately followed up by Yahtzee calling the game "South Park: The Traumatized Anus". Also, he calls the game by other names: Fractured Bum Tits Poo-Poos, Damaged Sphincter, The Mutilated Sphincter, and The Injured Rectum.
- Yahtzee remarks that the South Park TV-show itself might show some signs of tiredness, but is still holding up remarkably well overall. At least when compared to The Simpsons.
[The Simpsons] are currently best equivalenced to a man being dragged behind a car, as it does doughnuts in Time Square, losing more and more bits of skin and flesh with every spin, as he screams and screams and upsets the children, but just won't fucking die!
Top Five of 2017
- The fact that the game is centered around the Shinto religion leads to a brief discussion of the subject:
As with many polytheistic religions, the smallest amount of research into Shinto, will make you wonder why Christianity has stuck around so long, when all the other religions were clearly having much more fun. For example; did you know that Amaterasu, the sun goddess, fell out with Tsukuyomi, the moon god, after Tsukuyomi got grossed out by the goddess of food literally pulling a feast out of her arse? That's not just interesting, that's pretty fucking relatable. More so than that "loaves and fishes" bullshit.
- Yahtzee noticing one of the reviews called the game's pace "languid":
It's about the nicest possible way of saying "slow". It's not paced like a wet slug on concrete. It's "languid". That wasn't premature ejaculation, that was "biological time saving". [...] But this is a "languid" game, remember? Not "slow", "languid". That's not a urine stain on my trousers, that's a "moisture concentration zone".
- Every single backronym he comes up with for PUBG.
- After encountering racists on voice chat, he says the game should be called Players Unabashedly Backing Genocide.
- He appreciates the shrinking boundaries of the game's area, because, after all, Pugnacity Under Boundaries Germinates.
- "Stop going prone, you idiot! If someone's shooting at you, that's when you need to be running like fuck; as we all know, Proning Ultimately Begets Grief.
Sure, I started dying a hell of a lot more, but I also hadn't put enough time investment into each match to give a shit. Drop out and start another game, fuck it; after all, Prolonging the Unavoidable Bores me Greatly.
- On the game's lootboxes:
My fourth, which was about where I resolved to give up playing the loot box market, was — brace yourselves — a pair of black trousers. Well, at least I assembled a complete spectrum of trousers, or to put that another way, I Painstakingly United a Britches Gradient.
Doki Doki Literature Club!
- Yahtzee starts off the video admitting that he quickly learned that he may had been too hasty in writing off DDLC as just another Romance Visual Novel back in his "Hob and Hat in Time" review. This still didn't mean he was immediately willing to give it even an inch of credit:
A while back I wanted to make the point that there seemed to an awful lot of Anime Dating Sims
sprouting up on Steam, the way looters show up on a battlefield. And I illustrated this point with a screenshot of the first one I saw on the listing, which happened to be Doki Doki Literature Club!
, and the response in the comments were like I had accidentally rested my beer on the gravestone of an abuse victim. "Ohhoho, if only you knew what you have done~!" sang my correspondents. What?
What have I done? "Ooh, we can't tell you! Have to play it for yourse—" Parody game!
I got it! Don't care. (Yahtzee's avatar pulls out a shotgun)
Now, get off my fucking lawn.
- He reassures viewers that the game lacks Jump Scares, and that you can see most of the horror coming - depicted by the game looming over him with a knife and his asking "What's that for?"
- When the game goes into "silly horror town" came as a genuine relief, as Sayori's depression and subsequent suicide had been portrayed too realistically for him to be comfortable.
- WHO IS THIS SADDO MCKILLMYSELF YOU SPEAK OF
- "Boy," says the character, "sure hope you don't right click the game in the Steam list, click Properties, click Browse Local Files, and then delete pleasedeletethis.txt! That'd be a pisser and no mistake!"
The Inpatient and Doom VFR
- During the introduction, Yahtzee comes across the old chestnut of "Choices Will Have Consequences":
For example; if we choose to get bored and stop playing, that will have the consequence of a slightly more enriching afternoon.
- Yahztee explains the premise of The Inpatient, as the player character being a patient in an insane asylum, showing Yahtzee's avatar in a straight-jacket:
- "The thrust of [The Inpatient] and Until Dawn's premise is that if you eat human flesh, you turn into a wendigo, right? And the main diversion of the plot is whether you turn into a wendigo or your roommate does. Now, in the former, our roommate is absent - presumably 'cos we scoffed down their entire body with French fries and ranch..."
Imp: What happened to the other dude?
Wendigo: Dunno. (burp)
- "Eat shit, The Inpatient!" ("Press X to Poo Pants.")
- For "Deum VFR":
Monster Hunter World
- The summary of the opening of the game:
The plot, such as it is, is thus: in a fantasy world where everyone dresses like they're trying to avoid having to check baggage at the airport by wearing everything they own, a fleet of hunters is on their way to a newly-discovered continent full of all kinds of wonderful new monsters to slaughter so that they can wear half the corpse and use the other half to kill all their mates. But, oh no! Just as we're making friends on the transport ship and about to exchange tips on what to do about incredibly strange tan-lines, the ship runs into what the game persistently refers to as an "Elder Dragon" — but what looks more to me like a giant lump of coal-miner snot, or possibly Grimace from McDonald's after he fell into the restaurant's grease trap. The ship gets wrecked and thus begins our epic quest to seek vengeance on the Elder Dragon before it enacts its dastardly scheme to continue minding its own fucking business! Well, I guess we're not really seeking revenge, since this seems to be one of those RPG shipwrecks that killed precisely no one.
- Yahtzee continues to question the protagonist's motives.
While I've played quite a few games where researching and/or cataloging the enemy is part of the gameplay — some of my favorite games, even, like XCOM
or Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
— it was always in pursuit of the larger goal, whereas the researching monsters aspect appears to be the only goal of Monster Hunter
, and the only way we know how to research monsters is to hack them up with swords as part of a live impromptu dissection. I find it hard to be invested when the monsters don't seem to be starting shit with us, and the plot reason for every hunt and kill mission is pretty much the same: "Hey, this big monster's getting in the way of our research
! You'd better give it a damn good researching
so we can research all its helpless children
!" Be honest with me: are we a bunch of bastards
? 'Cos this is starting to feel like the kind of thing a bunch of bastards might do.
- Yahtzee explains how he kept getting sidetracked from his stated goal of only playing a bit of Subnautica as the game kept pulling him deeper, until he started building a base and:
Yahtzee: I told myself I wouldn't stick around long enough to mess around with the base-building element much. I just build one scanning room to show me where nearest 7-11s are, and that needs power, so solar panel... But wait, what if I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a disgusting cupcake? Better have a bioreactor as well, and now we'll need a little terrarium to feed it with... This is taking a lot of stuff, let's add some storage... Ooh, there's a volcanic vent down there, I can probably extend the base far enough to build a thermal reactor, and while we're doing that, better add some more rooms...
Viewer: Hey Yatz, still playing that game?
Yahtzee: (with a crown and on a castle) WHO DARES TRESPASS UPON FORTRESS OCELOT ALPHA?!
- And the Running Gag of his enjoying the company of dolphins, as he mentions needing contraceptives as one floats behind his avatar saying "I thought you loved me."
- This comes back later when he brings up how alt-tabbing to the wiki was as immersion-breaking as a haddock in a sock - as said haddock says the same as the dolphin did.
- At the end, as he's about to leave the planet, he looks back at the crashed wreckage of the ship he started from... which promptly shouted "Fine, just leave, you slut"
- As for his submarine - he obviously painted it bright yellow and named it the Yoko Oh No.
Kingdom Come: Deliverance
- "What makes it worse is that as you get hit, you lose maximum stamina as well as health. Realistic, I'll grant ya. I'd probably be less up for this morning's Crossfit after a hairy European has split my nose in half."
- The general The Dung Ages jokes:
"[Henry] is more concerned about the day-to-day doings of a medieval peasant, which is to say, covering himself in shit. There's even a mechanic where certain speech and charisma checks are affected if you show up covered in shit, which is pretty fucking unfair, because it's medieval times, and the only thing that isn't covered in shit is the clouds, and only because no one's built a big enough siege tower."
"There's no character customization in Kingdom Come
; wouldn't want you to pick a female protagonist and have to change the entire plot to 'get sold to a Norwegian duke and die in childbirth
'. So you're stuck with Henry, who everyone seems to think is a fresh-faced teenage boy, but is clearly a big strapping bloke in his twenties, or as it was known at the time, middle-aged."
- Yahtzee complained a lot about the combat and how the game "made the age old mistake of trying to incorporate the controls that are normally for controlling the camera". Not only does this mean that the sword moves in different positions all the time, but the also has the bad habit of spacing out (i.e. sleeping and jolting awake with a "Waagh!") and forgets that using the camera controls for something else now.
Kingdom Come Deliverance: Okay, I guess you want to look over to the right, instead of changing your sword angle. I mean, it's not like there's a jaunty fellow shuffling back and forth like a lemur on a unicycle who's about to stick his polearm down your ear!
- Camera jiggling is another problem as it makes the attacks delay before they happen. Not just with swords, either.
Viewer: Oh, but Yahtz! Surely it's an immersive RPG! Why don't you just play as a non-direct-combat-focused character?
Yahtzee: Oh, right. You mean like an archer, when your aim wobbles like a meth addict in a crystal cavern and there's no targeting reticle, so you'd have better luck sticking your arrows up a cat's arse and making it fart them out?
- After going through enough obnoxious game design to make him Rage Quit, Yahtzee finds out that the Glorious PC Master Race (now depicted as fat nerds with the luxurious manes, in the process of painting themselves golden) are praising the game for the same reasons it's obnoxious, and pleading that the devs retain the Scrappy Mechanic Save Token system because it means casual gamers are less likely to get into it.
Yahtzee: (genuinely pissed) FUCK YOU, toffee-nosed PC Master Race shitheads! I wish I'd named you something else now, like the PC Gaming Dick Slurp All-Stars!
Metal Gear Survive
The Hot Coffee Controversy
- The return of everyone's favorite jingle!
- The repeated usage of the word "clacker."
- "But they've only relatively recently gotten into valid, helpful controversies, like 'Publishers are running barely-disguised casinos through legal loopholes in the hope of stealing all the money in the world so they can build a new solid-gold planet from which to plot their conquest of the universe and the death of that meddling fool Flash Gordon!'"note
- Yahtzee's calling out of the Moral Guardian's hypocrisy.
Yahtzee: With the revelation that the general public had trustingly allowed into their homes a shameless portrayal of consensual lovemaking, insidiously Trojan-horsed within their wholesome, innocent policeman-murdering simulator, the moral guardians threw one of their characteristic shit-fits.
- Referring to Jack Thompson as "humanity's answer to the Sarcoptes parasite."note
- Yahtzee takes a couple of swipes at Hillary Clinton—mostly for contributing to the moral hysteria around video games in the '90s, but also for "being unable to win an election against a large pile of Cheesy Wotsits in an ill-fitting suit."
- Yahtzee's summation of the whole situation:
Who ultimately was hurt by "Hot Coffee," and benefited from Rockstar's chastisement? Well, we don't need to speculate; we have stats! In 2007, the class-action lawsuit was settled and Take-Two agreed to pay every offended customer enough money to buy a slapper McDonald's meal for one. But as of June 2008, less than 2,700 people had made a claim. "Oh, how shocking!" said the eleven law firms that had been drawing the case out. "Guess people just aren't as committed to making a moral stand as they used to be. Gosh, is that the time on my suspiciously expensive Rolex? Gotta run!" So, yeah, if you want to know why moral panics drag on, it's because somewhere, somehow, a shadowy cunt is making shitloads of money from it
— basically, the same reason there's still a DC Cinematic Universe.
Hunt Down the Freeman
- When recapping the plot, Yahtzee gets audibly frustrated at its denseness at one point:
Mitchell ends up joining forces with the Combine to take down Freeman, revenge for being self-defense bitch-slapped now taking precedence over revenge for, you know, enslaving the human race!!
- "Hunt Down the Freeman is about what to expect from any game where half the developers are credited by their forum handles alone.
Hamburglar Xx Quiotx X
A Prawn Named Simon
- The review ends on Yahtzee going on a venom-filled rant about the current lootbox-infested state of AAA-Games, and how he feels that it works to stifle good storytelling in video games, and how Valve, once pioneers of complex storytelling in game, doesn't seem to care any more about the Half-Life brand nor the general quality of the games on the Steam storefront. He then caps it off with ruminating on how all of that happened:
...I don't know, but it's probably safe to blame John Romero. John Romero: Where my bitches at?
Ghost of a Tale
- Yahtzee relates his experience of playing Vermintide II:
So I played that for a while, and it brought many an excited cry to my lips. Mostly sounding like this: "Isn't this just Left 4 Dead
Uhm, no. It's Vermintide II
, see? Completely different name. Yahtzee:
. This is just Left 4 Dead
; four players, hordes of weak enemies, there's the hunter, there's the smoker, there's the spitter... Steam:
Don't be silly, Yahtz! Left 4 Dead
is a shooter, whereas this has a lot of melee combat! Yahtzee:
Oh, right. Let me reassess that; "Isn't this just Left 4 Dead 2
?" Except with levels, and lootboxes, and crafting, and all the usual live service manipulative hornswoggle. Not the best sales' pitch is it? "Hey, kids! Did you like Left 4 Dead 2
, but wished it held you in more contempt?"
- The ruminations on the game's title:
I know ["Ghost of a Tale"] sounds like a pun, but I've gone over it eight times with a set square, and I'll be damned if I can find one. There is a ghost in it and most of the character possess tails, but if that is a pun, then a cardboard box of warmed-up, dead fish is a "harem". (Yahtzee's avatar studies said cardboard box of warmed-up, dead fish for a moment and then begins unzipping his pants)
- The Running Gag of Tilo constantly repeating variants on "I'm so very little" getting its punchline when he describes the simple way the story starts out: "mice good, rats bad, escape dungeon, find wife, kiss wife, shag wife, question mark?"
- He concludes by praising the game's Gray-and-Grey Morality (with some Genius Bonus thrown in).
A Way Out
- Yahtzee finding Leo's nose "distractingly big", to the point where he actually for once forgoes drawing him as one of his usual Noseless figures and instead includes it as a prominent identifying feature.
The "distract the guard" puzzles all but vanish the moment you do escape from the prison, which is barely halfway through the game, so God knows what the title is referring to after that; possibly Leo's massive nostrils and the "way out" they offer his bogeys.
- After a torture sequence, you learn the mob boss you're looking for is in Mexico. And that's apparently enough information.
Yahtzee: All of Mexico? He must be very fat.
Far Cry 5
Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom
- "Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom is sadly not a game about a society run by rocket-launcher welding giant skeletons, but a typically twee, cartoon, fantasy JRPG with a slightly off-putting title."
- Yahtzee representing Roland as Bill Clinton, and young Roland as the same picture of Bill Clinton but with Blush Stickers and Anime Hair.
- The description of Roland and Evan's first meeting:
- His description of the game's Action Prologue immediately grabbing his attention, followed by his disappointment that the President is a Decoy Protagonist.
At this point, I was more on board than a superglue enthusiast cheating at a surf competition, but I got a sinking feeling after the President gets the deposed Prince — Evan, he's called, which you will notice is very-nearly "Naive" spelled backwards — to safety and the Prince declares he's going to found a much better Kingdom with blackjack and hookers
. I was like, "Oh, don't you fucking dare make this little twerp the main character now, game! I want to be President Kickass! He's smart and capable, with a hint of darkness to him, and, all in all, is probably written by someone with archaic ideas of what it takes to be a world leader." But then again, the protagonist does need to go through an arc, and President Kickass is about as arced out as a McDonald's logo from the word "go", so fine, we'll play it your way, "King" Evan. But just so you know, the instant we unlock more characters than the standard party size allows, then you're going straight on the fucking bench; the guy in charge spearheading the adventuring party
didn't make sense in Star Trek
, and it doesn't make sense now!
- Yahtzee notices that there is a serious bit of Protagonist-Centered Morality going on in the storyline:
Every city is having its own issues with a tyrant ruler, but of course, the only reason any of them are doing bad things is because the big baddie has corrupted them with wibbly-wobbly purple badness juice. When I say "bad", I suppose I mean "contrary to Evan's interests", 'cos I don't think he wants to be throwing stones in the "good/bad" area, considering that his stated goal is to take over the entire motherfucking world
and create eternal peace. Yeah, sure, Evan; you just want "peace". It's all these unhelpful types who don't want to be subjugated that's stirring up the trouble
; you'd have peace in no time if only they'd calm down and hold still while President Kickass stabs them to death.
Extinction and Attack on Titan
- His reason for making it a double-bill? Someone accused the game of being an AoT ripoff, so Yahtzee started looking at gameplay vids for the latter.
And then I thought, "Huh, that looks fun. Looks like something I'd much rather be playing now, actually. You know what, fuck it, double-review."
- He wasn't impressed by how shallow the Relationship Values in the game were, though.
...there are way too many characters
and pretty much all the relationships go as follows. "I want to to my best!" "I also
want to do my best!" "Let's both
do our best!" "Whoops, I only did nine-tenths of my best." "BURN THE HERETIC
God of War (2018)
- Yahtzee's comment on the Slow-Paced Beginning:
[The game] starts with Kratos very slowly carrying a lump of wood home to cremate the missus. I'm slightly insulted by the way the game insists on making us press buttons and push forward to progress this glorified cinematic, like we got any fucking choice. Maybe I don't feel like carrying the body to the pyre! Maybe I think it'd look nicer on the privet hedge!
- Yahtzee is rather put-off by the fact that, despite all the teasing of Kratos facing off against the various gods from Norse Mythology, the only one who really shows up is Balder, who, in Yahtzee's words: "Looks like he never recovered from being in Too Human and became addicted to meth."
- After a while, the viewer buts in:
Viewer: You haven't mentioned the combat yet, Yahtz.
Yahtzee: Alright, fine. The game is pretty good for majestic landscapes, and I felt moved to progress just to see what the next environment was and if we could get souvenir postcards to bore Kratos' neighbours to death with with once we got home.
Viewer: Um, I was actually asking about the combat.
Yahtzee: (without skipping a beat) And I suppose the relationship between Kratos and his overgrown pubic louse is quite nicely written, and watching them mutually develop over time was the big draw of the plot, even if the open-world thing also makes their arc a bit stop-'n-start.
Viewer: Yahtz, tell us about the combat—
Yahtzee: The combat is not great, alright?! Are you happy now?!
- Yahtzee having problems with the mouthful of the game title before settling on "God of Four".
Yakuza 6: The Song of Life
- Yahtzee noticing how the plots of the game can be summed as up Kiryu foiling some convoluted criminal conspiracy by accident:
Boss 1: Conspire, conspire.
Boss 2: Plot, plot.
(Kiryu falls in backwards through a window)
Kiryu: (straightening his clothes) I was looking for the toliet.
- Yahtzee decides that he doesn't want to directly spoil the secret the officials of Hiroshima are trying to cover up, so he decides to say that the secret is a "giant robot brontosaurus." Which is depicted as a brontosaurus with the Terminator's skull for a head.
Frankly, it might as well have been that; it's about as absurd, and in the end, what it actually is doesn't seem to matter a tinker's fanny flap, 'cos it never does anything. Kazuma Kiryu never gets to ride on top of the giant robot brontosaurus or slide gaily down its tail like on The Flintstones
. Kiryu: (doing said activity)
- The following comment on the combat being unbalanced:
Nothing seems to be nearly as effective as picking up a bench and flailing it around; that just wrecks shit like a high-fiber diet. And when there are no benches, I eventually discovered that even the final boss is made your cringing, shirtless bitch if you just keep knocking them down with flying dropkicks. Don't you see, Kazuma Kiryu? The bench was in you all along!
- Kiryu in a "sexy chat room" talking to apparently an elderly Russian woman.
Yahtzee: One highlight for me this time around was the "sexy Internet chatroom" mini-game, where a live-action video of a sexy lady plays as we have to complete a series of button prompts to type phrases like "YOU ARE SEXY LADY" and "MMM LOVELY BOOBS" in all caps, and I think what really made this for me was the image of Kazuma Kiryu typing in the bottom-left, still wearing the furious scowl he uses to confront dastardly villains.
Silent Hill 4: The Room
- Yahtzee calls the game Conan: Sex-iles and Colon Textiles.
- The wondrous return of Thinderella!
- The convoluted way of setting up shelter, items, and places:
But I found a nice, quiet spot to set up base camp that was convenient for the river, the local spider cave, and the Rock, Tree, and Bush Emporium and started progressing my way up the tech tree. "Make a stone pickaxe: one bit of wood, five rocks." Gotcha. "Make a bedroll: one bit of wood, five leaves." That's done. "Now make a wooden storage box: 100 bits of wood—" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was a fucking jump
! I only wanted a foot locker, not a fucking Regency wardrobe with a complimentary portal to Narnia
! "Now let's build a tannery; that'll be 240 rocks—" WHAT?! It's, like, three bits of wood with skin stretched over it! What are the rocks for?! You going to put it on a gravel driveway?! "Well, we're just making sure you get the full intended experience; that is to say, wasting hours of your life
banging a rock with another, smaller, pointier bit of rock."
House Flipper/Far: Lone Sails
- "Thank you for your assessment, Yahtzee; now please supply an explanation and apology for reviewing House Motherfucking Flipper!"
- "And once you've got a handle on things and, more importantly, a big sack of cash, you can start buying your own houses, all of which were apparently recently vacated by meth-dealing cockroach farmers who never quite pinned down the difference between a toilet and a floor."
- "...using the limp-ass mop in House Flipper is, frankly, humiliating; this is supposed to be 'house flipper simulator', not 'stoned air traffic controller simulator'."
- In reviewing Far: Lone Sails, Yahtzee muses on the inherent Mood Dissonance of an emotional game centered on "piloting a fuck-off giant roadster that wouldn't have looked too out of place with Mad Max hanging off the front, looking like he's undergoing a wasteland teeth-whitening procedure" and imagines himself perched on top of such a vehicle singing:
- Also, calling Far: Lone Sails "Bollocks", "Far: Bollocks", and "Far: Lone Bollocks".
Detroit: Become Human
- The beginning:
Yahtzee: Oh, boy! A new game by David Cage? Let's get the bingo card out: Ooh! A game about androids with only vague ideas about how to act like human beings? Finally, David Cage's writing what he knows, LOL.
- Yahtzee summing up David Cage's writing style:
David Cage only has one tool in his arsenal and it's a giant sledgehammer with the word "MMMELODRAMA!" written down the side. His stories always play out like rampant human misery
simulators, as written by someone who has never met any human beings
. Well, I suppose we know that he has met [Elliot] Page
. Fucking hell
, do we know that. He probably puts it on his business cards. And just because a story's depressing
, doesn't mean it's deep
. There is a moment in Despair: Become Miserable
, where we literally watch an ugly man in a rundown house loudly explain, to no one in particular, how much he is going to enjoy beating up his daughter in-between puffs on his crackpipe. Half of the characters in these games are like one-off villains from the The Incredible Hulk
TV-series, where they had to contrive an excuse for Bill Bixby
to hulk out every episode, so they'd chuck a random, inexplicable asshole in the room to smirkingly giving him nipple-cripples for literally no reason.
- Yahztee cannot help but feel that the game wears its inspiration on its sleeve:
I enjoyed Westworld
too, David Cage, but you didn't have to enjoy it so bloody
- Discussing a twist he found completely unnecessary and in fact damaging to a potentially interesting plot, Yahtzee declares it a "David Cage Twist".
Sounds like a dance, doesn't it? "Hey everybody, do the David Cage Twist! Walk stiffly around the room for ten minutes then reach for the sky — fall flat on your face!"
- Yahtzee's impression of the developers on the 'stealth' mechanics:
Developer: We're doing a stealth game so I guess that means if you move quickly past the vagina-face monsters, it will hear you and bite your face off. But, if you carefully move slowly past it, it will also hear you and chew your throat out.
Yahtzee: Um, no. I think you're missing some of the basic principles there, Agony.
Developer: Oh, right. How about these hiding places? I'm pretty sure I know how this works. You're running away from vagina mush, quickly get into a hiding place and the vagina monster catches up, spots you and masticates your nipples off. Wait, I confused myself, what were we talking about?
- This is accompanied by the Running Gag of an imp vagina monster with melons for breasts and a pinser for a head going "!" and dismembering Yahtzee or cutting off his head.
- Yahtzee's nod to the ZP Wiki and/or Wikiquote (and/or This Very Wiki, maybe even this very page):
Agony makes me think that the phrase "Psychological Horror" is getting bandied around a bit too easily these days. Psychological horror, to me, means something more of an understated creeping dread about it - more [unsettled] "Eheeeeh-" than [disgusted] "Euuugh!" - and Agony is very much on the "Euuugh!" side of things. Yeah, fucking transcribe that one, bitch
- For bonus hilarity: at the time of writing, Wikiquote quotes the above fragment, and the last sentence links to a "Challenge Accepted" image macro.
- "Ostensibly, this year's conference was from the 12th to 14th of June, but as seems to be increasingly common most of the big lads did their shows beforehand. I guess if they tried to keep it in their pants a moment longer they would have started spooging out their nostrils." And EA proceeds to do just that.
- Yahtzee has a good idea of why at the Bethesda conference only one FPS got game footage.
: We're making sequels to scrotum-pulverizingly good DOOM
and teabag-squeezingly forgettable Rage
, which one would people most want to hear about? Executive #2
: Well I think that should be obvious. Executive #1
: Ha ha, yes, I suppose it is. [walking away with wide eyes] Oh fuck, now I'll look stupid if I ask again
- The summary of Microft's conference:
- "Shadow of the Tomb Raider is apparently the game where we see Lara Croft become the Tomb Raider. Fuck you, Square Enix, that's what you said the last two times. She's been "becoming the Tomb Raider" for five fucking years. When is this whimpering cunt going to get out of training bras?"
- Yahtzee feels that most Spider-Man games fail on account of three things: "One, terrible dialogue. Two, trying too hard to be like a Batman Arkham game. And three, not being Spider-Man 2 on the GameCube."
And the new trailer terrible dialogs its way through a sequence that is literally Batman Arkham Asylum except it's Spider-Man's shitty villains. And it blatantly isn't Spider-Man 2 because Spider-Man 2 was a game, not a bunch of overblown scripted action sequences strung together like a line of colorful flags coming out of Stan Lee's dried up old man tits.
- When looking for his next target, it cuts to Yahtzee standing on his desk with a spike club in hand.
- Yahtzee's rant about Assassin's Creed: Odyssey offering the choice of character gender for "the first time".
Am I on crazy pills? Assassin's Creed: Syndicate
did that! What is the fucking
point of doing progressive, innovative things if you're just gonna pretend they didn't happen two games later, and try to score innovation points a second time? It's not "progressive" if you're "progressing" to the place where we already fucking are, genius!
- Apparently Yahtzee still had things to say after he ran out of time. The Stinger ends up being a mammoth paragraph that runs off the bottom of one slide and completely fills the screen of the last slide.
- Yahtzee being irritated by the game's Insistent Terminology.
Um, excuse me, Yahtzee; they're called "Ekons". Yahtzee: ...I beg your pardon? Dontnod developer:
Ekons! It's our special word for "vampires"
! We made it up! Yahtzee:
I can fucking tell you did! Might stick with "vampire", if it's all the same to you; "Ekons" sounds too much like an Alien Race of the Week from Doctor Who
. Anyway, Jonathan's a physician by trade, and returns after the first World War to find London stricken by both The Spanish Flu
and a plague of ghouls who— Dontnod developer:
Not "ghouls", Yahtzee! "Skals"! Yahtzee: (voice breaking) What's a fucking "Skal"?! Dontnod developer:
It's a human tainted by vampire
Yahtzee: That's a ghoul!!
Dontnod developer: We call it a Skal!!
- When Yahtzee has a flashback to Remember Me, a memory bubble pops up focused on Nilin's ass.
- "Now, when Reid says he hasn't killed shit, he's truncating a little. He should've said 'I haven't killed shit, except for the 500,000 vampire hunters I murdered in standard combat.' Yes, this is the rather glaring incongruity in Vampyr. There's something a little bit hollow about Jonathan Reid's quiet nobility and pacifism when he's just had to murder twelve Cockney thugs on the way back from the chemist."
- His depiction of Reid murdering someone out of vampiric thirst is described as 'ripping someone open and chugging them like a Wild Cherry Capri Sun,' which is amusingly flippant enough, but the image with it shows the victim's blood fountaining up as if they'd been squeezed like said fruit drink, accompanied by a description text reading *Popeye the Sailor Man Theme* for maximum comedic irreverence.
- The Call-Back to the Dark review to state his hatred of dialogue trees in general and Vampyr's in particular.
Yahtzee: "Tell me more about the city!" "Tell me more about your job!" "Tell me more about that thing you said about the city that I'm awkwardly bringing up again apropos of nothing!" "Tell me more about this weird, boggle-eyed look we're giving each other like a pair of lovestruck goldfish in neighboring bowls!"
- The closing lines:
All the participants come across as incredibly stiff. Viewer: Well, they are British, Yahtzee. Yahtzee: (now wearing a monocle)
Oh-ho! A cheeky sting! Scurry off, you rummy blighter! Fish and chips!
- One that wasn't actually from the video itself (or even by Yahtzee), but one of the comments in the YouTube comments field was just too good to not mention:
Jurassic World Evolution
- The depiction of anti-intellectuals as know-it-all housewives who don't like scientists disagreeing with Facebook postings and choose not to vaccinate their children solely out of spite.
- "I've never met a dinosaur that a scientist hasn't tried to ruin. Jurassic Park comes out and everyone's enjoying the T-Rex and velociraptor, but then Johnny Scientist jumps up and goes 'Um, actually we did a little bit more science and we learned that velociraptors were two foot tall and feathered and could be trained to fetch slippers. Also the T-Rex was more of a scavenger than a hunter and all the other dinosaurs used to bully it and knock its school books out of its tiny, pathetic arms.'"
- The raptor is replaced with a chicken while the T-Rex dons a pair of glasses and gets called a dickhead and then smacked by an Ankylosaurus.
- "Jurassic World: Generic Subtitle is a business management sim wherein our task is to wave our corporate bodies at the lessons of history and build a bunch of all new dinosaur parks for rich white tourists to come and look at, who I guess aren't satisfied with just taking a holiday on a nice, unspoiled tropical island. No, they've got to see some perversions of nature as well so Mrs. Klebold from next door doesn't show them up again with her pictures from their trip to Euro-Disney."
- Yahtzee has some issues with carnivores chewing on the "screaming lawsuits in waiting".
Yahtzee: Carnivores are just complete pricks. That's another thing I had to learn early on. Don't put carnivores and herbivores in the same enclosure.
Viewer: Oh really, Yahtz? Thanks for the insider tip. Don't forget to remind us not to use an orbital sander for a wanking sock.
Yahtzee: Alright, it seems obvious now!
- In the credits Yahtzee plays fetch with a velociraptor. It runs out of the panel after a stick and comes back with a dead baby, to which Yahtzee facepalms.
Resident Evil 4
- "The time for change had come. Away with tangled backstory. Unfix that camera from its lofty perch and let it breathe free as it hovers about our shoulder, demanding pets and bits of cream cracker. But this is misleading. Resident Evil: Dead Aim was using a third-person chase camera and free-aim shooting before Resident Evil 4 did. But Resident Evil 4 had the additional innovation of not being complete dogshit."
- Yahtzee depicts the games up to 4 as a confusing swamp as Capcom couldn't figure out what the series was supposed to actually be.
Resident Evil: Ooh, I just can't decide. Am I about survival or action? Monsters or conspiracies? Am I serious or camp.
Yahtzee: Resident Evil 4 silenced the room by loudly slinging its knob onto the table.
Resident Evil 4: I don't know about you, but I'm about action, I'm about monsters, and by all the damned souls in hell I am camper than Dale Winton on a caravanning weekend.
Totally Accurate Battlegrounds and Moonlighter
- "So this week, I have been mostly playing Totally Accurate Battlegrounds, which is actually a hilarious parody of battle royale shooters; what it does is, instead of dropping 100 players onto a map full of randomly-spawned equipment and gradually shrinking in until only one remains, it drops about 50 players onto a map full of randomly-spawned equipment and gradually shrinks in until only one remains and everyone's got googly eyes."
- The analogy for TAB becoming an alternative for the thing it parodies.
"Ha ha! Let's make a battle royale mode of our silly physics game for April Fools'; it's not like we'll have to support it for the rest of our fucking lives!" It's like they served a trick rubber steak to their houseguests, and the idiots won't stop trying to eat the fucking thing.
Imp #1: Hey, I can't chew this steak!
TABG: Yes, ha ha! It's a rubber steak! April Fools'!
Imp #1: But I want to eat the steak! It smells of steak!
TABG: Yes, we made it smell like steak because it needed to for the joke to work; I didn't expect you to get this into it.
Imp #2: Ow, my stomach hurts after I ate the steak!
TABG: Look, you weren't supposed to— ugh, just... fuck it! Here's a real steak, all right? Have fun with it.
Imp #1: Do I get a steak, too?
Imp #3: Can I have a slightly larger steak?
TABG: YES, FUCK IT! I'll cook steaks for everyone; this is my life now.
- Him recommending Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale, but only if "you've got a higher-than-average tolerance for the 'animes'".
- "Not to be confused with Wreckateer, which is spelled "Wreckateer" rather than "Recettear" like the first Recettear..."
The Crew 2
- Summing up each of the four types of driving gameplay as "driving to a place the fastest".
- The various digs at St. Louis.
- Yahtzee having trouble recalling the eight party members, and resorts to referring to them by their classes rather than their names or personalities. And even then, he can only recall six of them!
- Cleverly, Yahtzee emphasizes how unmemorable he found the characters by representing them as imps rather than the standard person model used for characters.
- Yahtzee wondering why all the different party members are so eager to join forces, as, all for they know, the other members could easily be "cannibalistic serial tax-dodgers".
- "Well I suppose we can't all be stripper assassins."
Chasm and This Is the Police 2
- Declaring Chasm the best game he played named Chasm.
- Yahtzee trying to imitate a This Is the Police 2 cutscene:
"Here's my impression of a This Is the Police 2 cutscene. I mean, I mean, this is me doing an impression of a This Is the Police 2 cutscene, right now. I'm doing it now. Can't you see I'm doing an impression of a This Is the Police 2 cutscene, viewers? Viewers? Viewers? Are you listening, viewers? You need to be listening to understand my impression of a This Is the Police 2 cutscene!"
We Happy Few
- Monty- BLEEDING -Python!
- "...the game being structured in true Bioshock style wherein every deceptively simple objective has about 500 hidden sub-objectives..."
- Escape from city
- Get to station
- Acquire train ticket
- Seduce clerk
- Buy flowers
- Get money
- Get job at ASDA
- Murder rivals
- Yahtzee asks the big question about the game's adventures with Procedural Generation:
"But if you're making a triple-A style immersive sim in your Bioshock or Prey
or Deus Ex
kind of mold, is it viable to procedurally generate the hub world if you don't have the manpower to design one manually, because everyone's too busy printing T-shirts for the Kickstarter backers? And the answer to that is: nooooo... ya big twat.
- Yahtzee complains about how procedural generation affects the combat.
"Mind you, I don't think it was the procedural level design that was causing half of them to float two feet off the ground, and the other half clip inside a wall. And now I hate to cause a fuss, but recalling through a wall while I'm trying to beat you to death with a cricket bat isn't just rude, but downright unsporting!"
- "I've just had this really crazy idea, guys: how about, instead of procedurally generating an open world - 'cos every game has to have one and you need to keep up - you just restrict the gameplay to the important fun parts and cut out the travel time in-between? We could call them, I don't know, "stages", or "levels", or "chapters", if you're pretentious; that way, there wouldn't be as much useless, boring bullshit! Blimey, why has no one thought of this?!"
- When he says, "We could call them, I don't know, "stages", or "levels", or "chapters", if you're pretentious," the scene appears as a Super Mario Bros.-style Level Start.
- Yahtzee calling the game "We Crappy Poo".
- Near the end, Yahtzee thinks the game would have been better if they just scrapped the open world concept and focused on the actual game elements.
"Don't get me wrong, openness is good if one happens to be a cake shop or a pair of legs, just not so much if you're a tiger cage or Margaret Thatcher's legs."
Guacamelee! 2 and Not Tonight
- Yahtzee says that it's important that his two-in-one reviews have a theme, in case Zero Punctuation is ever adapted into a stage musical.
- Guacamelee! is described as the "non-unionized Mexican labor force of Metroidvania; inexpensive, hard-working, perfectly decent, probably getting deported anyway."
: I guess it's Mexican in the same sense that We Happy Few
was British — they got someone who'd never been to Mexico but has watched an awful lot of television to write down everything Mexico-related they could think of and made a game about that.
- The protagonist of Guacamelee!, named Juan* , is attacked by a new threat "markedly reminiscent" of the previous one, illustrated with Skeletor's head on an imp's body.
Juan: Have we met
- Yahtzee calls Guacamelee! "a standout in the somewhat overpopulated border patrol child detention centre that is the indie Metroidvania genre."
- Yahtzee is unimpressed by the gas in Guacamelee! 2.
Viewer Imp: Oh, don't stress it, grandad! You're probably at that age where meme culture's starting to leave you behind.
Yahtzee: [shoots the imp with a pistol] Piss off, viewer. I can't be old, I swear about video games on the internet for a living* . If I were a chicken I'd still have half the egg shell on my face, making snarky videos about amniotic fluid.
- There are currently only two paperwork checking simulators: Papers, Please and Not Tonight. Oh yes, and Tom Clancy's The Division.
Yahtzee: But that one only because it was so boring it made me stop and do my tax returns instead.
- "The game is Not Tonight, which isn't the best title because in the time it took to go from buying the game to looking for it on my Steam list I completely forgot what it was called."*
- Yahtzee hesitates to call Not Tonight a "Papers, Please knockoff" in case paperwork checking is the hot new genre, "and I'll feel as stupid as I do about when we used to call FPSes 'Doom clones'."
- Yahtzee lambastes Not Tonight for not following Papers, Please's complex moral choices.
Viewer: Yahtzee! Are you seriously going to complain about a game simultaneously knocking off Papers, Please and not being enough like Papers, Please?
- Accompanied with the visual of Not Tonight hacking off pieces of Papers, Please and Yahtzee shouting "Oi! Cut more off." Followed by Not Tonight taking the piece, using it as a mask, and saying "It's me."
- Yahtzee's inevitably comparing the game with Spider-Man 2, which he has previously named a favourite:
So let's get straight to the big question: Is Disney's Marvel's Spider-Man a better Spider-Man game than Spider-Man 2? The answer is, "Yye-ees
?" And that, incidentally, was my entry for the 2018 Most Subtext in a Single Syllable Competition.
- He goes on to explain that the game contains a better Spider-Man game, but it's also bogged down by a Gameplay Roulette of elements from... every other game that has ever existed, in particular the Batman: Arkham Series:
We also have to do the usual fucking stealthy base assaults, and once again, someone rips off the Arkham-style "predator" missions without understanding the ingredient that made them work: escalation! The enemies got twitchier and more scared as you picked them off; the situation evolved! If it doesn't, it gets boring! Isolate, pick off. Isolate, pick off. Whoops! No more isolated ones! Distract, isolate, pick off. And what's really galling is that, even if I successfully pick them all off with no alerts, half the time, the game just spawns more dudes, pre-alerted for your convenience, and you're forced to fight them. I spent ten minutes going out of my way to "careful-careful, stealthy-stealth" the first round of lads, but apparently, I might as well have just blundered in here in a sombrero with my knob out, for all the good it— Hang on; why does it say "Wave 1" at the top of the screen?! Oh, you're just padding this out now!
- Then the follow-up:
So, the base assaults are a miserable chore, frankly. Oh well, at least it's still superhero stealth; at least you're not some boring fuck crouched behind a box, throwing distraction objects, and getting insta-killed the moment you get spotted
. Spider-Man: Ahem. Yahtzee: I don't like the sound of that cough you just made
, Marvel's Sony's Steve Ditko's Spider-Man
Well, the thing is, we thought we could have a few missions throughout the campaign where you play as Spider-Man's normal human mates, crouching behind boxes, throwing distraction objects, and, uh... the other thing. You know, for variety! Yahtzee:
So let me see if I've got this straight, Insomniac Games' Disney's Spider-Man
: You're going to interrupt your high-octane, big-balls, web-swinging, free-roam superhero power fantasy for the sake of some mandatory forced stealth sections playing as a mundane fuck
going on a chest-high wall inspection tour? And you're doing this so that we don't
- Yahtzee admits to be overall rather unimpressed with the Spider-Man Rogues' Gallery:
No offense, Spider-Man, but your villains kinda suck (although, it would be weird if you did take offense to that). There's only two kinds: the "silly" villains — bank robbers with really obvious themes and generic villain personalities, so if you swapped their powers around, you couldn't tell the fuckers apart — and the "serious" villains, who are all former Peter Parker father figures with "Jekyll and Hyde" issues. Peter Parker really needs to learn to stop latching onto older men; it never ends well.
- Calling the game "Sony's Disney's Marvel's Spider-Man", then "Sony's Disney's Marvel's Stan Lee's Spider-Man", then the aforementioned "Marvel's Sony's Steve Ditko's Spider-Man" and "Insomniac Games' Disney's Spider-Man", then "Marvel's Clive Barker's Spider-Man", and finally "Marvel's Disney's Sony's Insomniac Games' Stan Lee's Steve Ditko's Giant-Size Man-Thing".
Shadow of the Tomb Raider
- It turns out that the Final Boss, despite his claims of being "a god" is still very mortal:
At the end, we're too late to stop main the bad guy using the ancient magic treasure to turn themselves into a god. The kind of god that walks slowly around the boss arena and can be killed by shooting them with bullets. Yeah, Lara, I guess it was important we stopped them acquiring this "unstoppable" power. They might have marched on Washington and get instantly cut down by the National Guard. I'm sure all those dead Mexicans now understand the importance of their sacrifice, you mad cow!
- Yahtzee concludes that the modern version of Lara is "bug-fuck nuts!":
Villager says, "Some naughty criminals are giving us trouble!", Lara says, "Oh, how terrible! I must help you!", and then, with no further questions, starts to drag people into bushes and slitting their throats, like she has been waiting all fucking day for an excuse to get started.
- The Running Gag of Lara killing imps in different ways, as usual. And she looks at her to-do list, which says:
- Hold two more bullets
- +0.7% health
- Become better at skinning voles
- Pat head and rub tummy
- Increase lung capacity
Dragon Quest XI
- Yahtzee explains how Dragon Quest is a really big deal in Japan. A fact which he doesn't fully understand.
I am now slightly concerned about the Japanese, as I would about a school friend who confides that they have a crush on the dinner lady, knowing they're going to be driven to suicide by mockery within a week... by me.
- The summation of the set-up:
You are in Generic JRPG Swords and Sorcery Fantasy World, east of Java; you are the last surviving heir of a deposed royal house◊
who was found as a baby and adopted by peasant farmers. There's a weird birthmark on your hand that magic occasionally comes out of, and you grow into a strong, handsome lad with a girl's haircut, so when you come of age, your adoptive parent takes you aside and says, "Look, let's not beat around the bush; you couldn't be more obviously a destined fantasy hero if your high school graduation picture was painted by Boris Vallejo
. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any global crisis going on at the moment that would require a destined hero, so why don't you just wander around the countryside for a bit, and destiny will presumably strike at some point?" I'm not being dismissive here; that's literally how we start!
- His description of the main party.
Through this method we enlist to our cause a toddler, two hotties, an old man, a comedy stereotype of a homosexual, and an actual homosexual.
- A Brick Joke then appears:
You go to the royal castle on the off-chance that a kidnapped princess needs rescuing, but get thrown in the dungeon 'cos the king's played too many Elder Scrolls games and thinks that's just what you do with destined heroes.
- To cap off the whole thing, said king is depicted as being portrayed by Patrick Stewart.
- As a Running Gag ("and yes, I am so going to slowly pervert that subtitle as this review goes on"), he calls the game by names: Dragon Quest XI: Emissions of an Infected Arse, Dragon Quest XI: Errors of an Illicit Anus, Dragon Quest XI: Elegies of "Eddie the Eagle" Edwards, and Dragon Quest XI: Erections of an Aggressive Emu.
- Yahtzee has complaints about music toward the end of the review:
I was sinking down into a cozy, warm bath where I could doze blissfully off to a fluffy dream world where no perceptions are being challenged, but everything's just nice. But I think it worth mentioning that I could only enter this state after I had muted the music, or to give it its proper name, "the fucking music". Yeah, I get the game's dedicated to the "retro nostalgia" thing - hence, the "bleep, bloop" 8-bit battle sounds - and that's why a lot of the music sounds like it came from a 16-bit-era mini synthesizer, but it also sounds like someone took that synthesizer, turned up the "BLARP" setting to 100%, and proceeded to stomp on it like a grape in a French vineyard. It's minute-long loop after minute-long loop of string and brass sections honking like pigs queueing up to have their throats cut. Let that be the lesson, viewers: cozy a place as the past may seem, don't forget it also contains potato famines, Hitler, and synth music
Star Control: Origins
Assassin's Creed: Odyssey
- Yahtzee pointing out how ever since Assassin's Creed II, there's always been a famous historical figure present to befriend the main protagonist.
Oh boy, they stamped out a whole new one set in ancient Greece, so who gets to be Leonardo da Vinci
this time? As in, the historical celebrity who inexplicably becomes BFF's with the main character within seconds of meeting them, and becomes the major support character to lend a sense of desperate authenticity reminiscent of celebrity cameos in more recent episodes of The Simpsons
. Assassin's Creed: Odyssey:
Oh, we don't do that in every
Ass Creed game, Yahtz. (long pause) ...It's Herodotus
. Yahtzee: Thank
- "Anyway, your character is a mercenary caught up in a war between Athens and Sparta, and a big thing is made of how you can intervene in the war by weakening a territory's leadership until you can participate in a big ground battle to switch the area from blue to red, or vice-versa. Except, at various times, you fight for and against both sides..."
- Kill Spartans
- Help Athenians
- Kill Athenians
- Help Spartans
- Kill more Spartans
- Kill bandits
- Kill polar bear
- Avenge Athenians
- Avenge Spartans (that you killed)
- "There's a network of named mercenaries that bears a suspicious resemblance to the Nemesis System from the Middle-earth: Shadow of Such-and-Such games, except with none of the personality, and their main role appears to be to materialize while you're in the middle of grindy combat sessions in order to extend the length of the grindy combat session."
Henry the Wine Snob
Sarah the Sociable
Grutnhos the Flatulent
Lysander the Sodomite
- Yahtzee admitting that this is the first Assassin's Creed game he couldn't finish.
Do you know how many Assassin's Creed
games I've reviewed? One
, Slack Flag
makes ten, and while I've given each game varying degrees of shit, I've never once failed to play through the entire story campaign, until now. In modern gaming, Assassin's Creed
is a fat and awkward member of the gang, who occasionally made interesting wheezing noises when we punched him in the gut, but it has finally ceased to amuse. I have been playing Assassin's Creed: Odyssey
for nearly forty sodding hours
. Forty sodding plodding hours
of copy-pasted soldier camps and temples, of hammering away at one overly-long health bar after another, like a drinking bird toy trying to eat a king-sized Mars bar. And I swear half the characters look the same. I swear King Leonidas and Barnabas the ship captain are the same fucking guy with his beard at different stages of development. And all I could see ahead of me was forty more hours of the same shit, stretching unbrokenly on from anus to toilet water. You did it, Ubisoft, you beat me. The first Assassin's Creed
game I couldn't finish. It can finally take its place among everything else I can't finish like JRPG's, the main courses at American family restaurants, and masturbating to the one nude scene in The Shining
Call of Duty: Black Ops 4
- The intro:
I know Call of Duty and I have had our ups and downs... Well, had our downs and downs, and more downs. And just when we thought we couldn't go any further down, we broke new ground and discovered a sealed-off basement where a family of horny pigs were passing the corpse of Modern Warfare 1.
- The first major difference Yahtzee notices is that game breaks tradition by removing the single player campaign altogether:
Well, Activision, as Milorad Petrović said in response to the Invasion of Yugoslavia... "The fuck?!" Activision:
We thought you'd be pleased, Yahtz. Every story of every CoD
you've played in years you've called racist and overblown and taken straight from what insecure NRA members see when they close their eyes and touch themselves. At least we didn't hire Kit Harington
this time. Yahtzee: Granted.
But having removed the single player, are you going to charge less for the game? Activision:
Ohhohoho, Yahtzee! I can see why people say you're a funny guy!
- Yahtzee explaining that the only alternative to single player is playing tutorial levels where the narrator is the most insecure man in the universe.
Return of the Obra Dinn
- The downright amazing example of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking Yahztee comes up with when talking about how much of a pleasant surprise Return of the Obra Dinn turned out to be.
is one of those moments that make it all worth it, viewer; one of the three basic pleasures of life: the first wank
on a delicate spring morning, finally killing the last witness
, and playing a new game that I actually like.
- This line:
- "But speaking personally, Return of the Obra Dinn almost felt like a game that was specifically made for ME, as someone who likes crossword puzzles, Horatio Hornblower books, and people being killed."
- Describing the plot of the game:
Yahtzee: After determining to your satisfaction that [the crew] aren't all waiting below decks preparing for a surprise party, you acquire a sketch of each crew member and a list of names, and your task is simply to assign the correct name to each sketch, as well as how they died...
ROBERT BLURP: First Officer
KEITH TOSS: Midshipman
ADRIAN RETCH: Hairdresser.
- Got head caught in a seagull.
- This one:
Yahtzee: ...you see, most people, when seconds from death, aren't courteous enough to say things like, "Oh no! I, Third Officer Eric Braithwaite, am soon to die, but at least I'm in the company of my friends, Bob and Hercules! Cough, cough, splutter, splutter!"
- "A degree of general knowledge is required to identify peoples' nationalities or what a topman does as opposed to a seaman; [portrayed as a guy with a "C" on his shirt] if it helps, topmen are generally concerned with the rigging and what goes on above decks, whereas semen is a white liquid that comes out of your penis when you think about Jenny Agutter too much."
- "It's a fairly incomplete story, since there wasn't someone dying at every single moment..."
Imp: (points a gun to his head in front of another imp) Welp, can't be helped.
- "...but what I could glean from suggestion and the occasional massive angry betentacled overstatement certainly made me intrigued enough to want to keep pushing through and learning more." [cue the imp getting grabbed by a tentacle, with Yahtzee going, "I am intrigued."]
- "I find the combination of a historical setting and retro PC graphics conjures a nostalgic memory of playing shit like Oregon Trail on the school computer; we were supposed to be learning something, but we're just naming party members after that one smelly girl in class and laughing when she caught dysentery."
Computer: Stinky Gemma is shitting like a malfunctioning sprinkler system. [cue Yahtzee going "Hee hee hee"]
- Also, this one:
Yahtzee: I do have complaints; I kind of completely despise the music. Yeah, I know, solo developer, so don't expect the Tokyo Philharmonic, but that doesn't excuse the way it loudly and repetitively BLARPs away while you're trying to think; and of course, there's no separate volume controls. Relatedly, I also don't like how the game forces us to wander around each memory getting unskippably BLARPed at for a minute before the event gets officially unlocked and we can start taking notes. It's weird that the music's so annoying when the rest of the sound design is fucking top-notch: voice acting, ambient sound, and especially the little radio plays that accompany the death flashbacks; I couldn't say for sure if it accurately reproduces the sound of a bloke getting torn in half by a giant calamari platter, but it certainly made me cross my legs uncomfortably.
- What's even funnier is that in the first part when Yahtzee is looking at the dead imps with a notepad in his hand, a giant gramophone goes "BLARP BLARP BLARP BLARP" in front of them and he can't knock it with a crowbar, and when he tries to escape, an open door has been blocked off by a traffic signal, with the same giant gramophone going "BLARP BLARP BLARP BLARP" and knocking him off cold before the traffic signal disappears and a notepad is tossed at him. In the next part, the imp takes the BLARPing gramophone away, with Yahtzee sticking broccoli stalks in his ears, and a sound effect imp goes to him and says, "I don't know that guy."
- At one time he calls the game "Return of the Cobra Commander".
The Missing: J.J. Macfield and the Island of Memories
- Yahtzee pointing out the game being the Japanese equivalent of indie games like Limbo or Inside.
Except instead of a small child with a big head, you're a schoolgirl with a stupid hairdo, because it's a Japanese developer, I guess. Japan has this weird thing... named Swery
. Sorry, couldn't resist. Japan has this weird thing where every imaginable theme and genre of fiction has to be explored through the medium of schoolgirl. Horror
, giant robots
, detective drama
, bullet hell shooter
, porn again
, you name it, Japan's got a schoolgirl version. I can't think of any equivalent for this in any other country. It'd be like if every kind of game or TV show made in Canada
had a version with Mounties
- The summary given to the game's beginning:
- He then goes on to ponder the game's subtext, eventually coming to a conclusion that horrifies even himself:
- Besides the aforementioned names for the game, Yahtzee also calls it J.J. Macfield and The Island of Doctor Moreau, J.J. Macfield and the Nibble-Nobble Noo-Noo and J.J. Macfield and the Hendersons.
- Yahtzee ultimately caps off the video wondering what the elements of the story pertaining to suicide signified:
Yahtzee: Well, I don't know much about Swery personally. I'm assuming he's not a suicidal teenage lesbian.
Viewer: Maybe he identifies as one, Yahtz. Don't be oppressive.
Yahtzee: How dare you oppress me!? I identify as someone who isn't oppressive!
- "Obviously, as a straight dude, I can't say the game won't speak to someone who has issues with sexual identity or privately dreams about ripping their own legs off."
Red Dead Redemption 2
- At the very beginning of his review of Red Dead Redemption II, Yahtzee says that after the game's Tear Jerker ending in which the protagonist, Arthur Morgan, succumbs to tuberculosis, he didn't have a single moment to himself.note Then comes the Mood Whiplash:
Saturday afternoon, I was like, "Oh boy! I finally reached the epilogue! Maybe I'll actually have Sunday free to relax on!" ["Saturday": Yahtzee is overjoyed at the TV saying "The End", and an imp appears with two tennis racquets while Yahtzee wonders for a bit]
Eight hours of additional story later, [scene cuts to "Sunday", with Yahtzee growing some stubble beard while the TV says "Still the End" and the imp with the racquets lies on the floor in a faint]
"Fuck me, my definitions are out of date! [RDR2 appears next to him while he speaks] I had no idea that 'epilogue' now means 'entire second game'!
" Mini-RDR2: [sewn up next to RDR2]
- Yahtzee calling the game Red Dead Revolver 3, "or more accurately, Grand Theft Auto with Angry Cowboys 2, or more accurately, The Game Where the Horse Does Plop-Plops".
- "[Arthur Morgan's] personal arc consists of gradually realizing that Dutch doesn't have a plan and might just be a complete arsehead, something the audience figured out the first time they saw his soul patch."
ZP Dutch van der Linde: [while ZP Arthur sits on "Figuring shit out"] What am I supposed to do with these ducks? [lets out a "parp" from his head on the word "arsehead" before the other ZP cowboy appears unamused]
ZP Cowboy: [points at ZP Dutch] Twat.
- Yahtzee concludes the review with noting that he isn't very impressed by what he sees as excessive effort spend on the smaller details of the game world:
Frankly, RDR 2's realistic world only impresses me the same way I'd be impressed if you drank a litre of cooking oil, more so by the effort than the wisdom behind it, because so little of what you see and do in RDR 2 is actually fulfilling on a story or challenge level; the horse going "plop-plops" sums it all up nicely. I can't envision a scenario in which a lack of horse plops would knock a half-star off an otherwise perfect score, but there it is, a drop in an ocean of pointless decadence. And this isn't one line of code, "Horse_plopplops = 1"; someone had to texture and animate it, and troll sound effect libraries for the ideal "plop, plop" sound, and they could've been using that time to cradle their children, or make something creatively fulfilling like Obra Dinn. The fact that someone had to do it for their job makes me think of a restaurant manager loudly humiliating a waiter 'cos he thinks it'll impress the customer; well, it doesn't, Mr. Rockstar, and now I'm going to have to be very cautious about ordering the meatballs!
Call of Cthulhu
- The opening:
Yahtzee: Call of Cthulhu
is a game based upon the works of H. P. Lovecraft
, America's favorite racist
, and alongside the large numbers of horror games inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos
over the years, Call of Cthulhu
can certainly claim the lofty title of "another one
Come on, Yahtzee! Be nice in the opening spiel. You've got six whole paragraphs to dump asparagus urine on the game.
- This observation about the game's protagonist:
To say the protagonist, Edward Pierce, is basically the main dude from Dark Corners of the Earth
would be to miss out on the opportunity to say that he's basically the main dude from Vampyr
; quite eerily so, actually: same face, same beard, same voice. The only real difference is the specific nature of their drinking problem. Wait a second... Same fucking voice actor?!
...Talk about typecasting. I checked, and the games are by different developers
; although, they are both French, and therefore, probably incestuous.
Hitman 2 and Killer 7
- Yahtzee lampshading the Darksiders series' Sequel Gaps.
After Darksiders I and II, a lot of questions still remain surrounding the ongoing story, chief among them being "How the fuck do you expect me to remember this plot?!" The first game was eight years ago! I can barely remember what I was doing last night, or why I woke up this morning in a half-empty vat of Frangelico.
- "I already said Fury's supermarket-owned-brand Estus flasks refill after she dies and respawns at a checkpoint, but they don't refill if you merely stop at a checkpoint, so when you find a checkpoint after an arduous journey, you'd be well-advised to find a nearby enemy and let them kill you so you can be back at full healing capacity before pressing on, and the legendary apocalyptic warrior Fury happily bending over so a standard groundling can practice broken-twig gynecology isn't terribly immersive! ...Well, it is for the broken twig, but not in the right way. Ow!"
2018's Best, Worst and Blandest
- The way the imps use a human hand to point out five games in each of the three categories. The best games in the first category are portrayed as ornaments on a Christmas tree (complete with happy 8-bit MIDI music in a Retraux feel); the blandest games in the second category are portrayed as bricks on a wall (complete with elevator muzak); and the worst games in the final category are portrayed as turds on a toilet (complete with... you guessed it... farting noises).
- After berating his Worst Game of 2018 pick, Hunt Down the Freeman:
Fuck, man, what else is there to say? Well, I suppose I could say "fuck" again, No, that's the wrong attitude. It's a new year, after all! Let's move on from the past and focus on what the future will bring! (Yahtzee looks up to see Super Smash Bros. Ultimate appearing in front of him)
- The Worst Game of 2018 itself:
The worst game of 2018 was, like the Devil
and weird sex practices, known by many names. "The Seven-Hour Snore", "Hunt Down the Refund", "Shit Down the Piss-Shit", call it whatever you like! Just never forget what Hunt Down the Freeman
was and what it represented: a cringe-fest that unstitched its thoughtless patchwork of stolen assets to whip out its diseased knob and dispense blood-flecked urine all over a once top-rate franchise, with tacit approval of its creator!
- During the end credits, we get to see Yahtzee's honorable mentions, a small list of games that just barely missed making any of the lists, with a pro and con listed for each. A few of them include:
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
- At this point, Yahtzee points out how he's reviewing this due to the game having a story mode, an excuse he used to avoid reviewing Super Smash Bros. for Wii U and gives an accurate reading as how this review would go with the fanbase:
Yahtzee: So of course Smash Bros Ultimate comes out with a story mode and I can't use that excuse anymore. Back up the garden path they come.
Smash Bros Fan: Oh, please review Smash Ultimate, Yahtzee! Please please please, there's a story mode!
Yahtzee: Look, it's not really my thing, alright.
Smash Bros Fan: Oh, please review it anyway, everyone else is talking about it, we'd love to hear your take.
Yahtzee: Fine, here's my take.
Smash Bros Fan: Ugh, we didn't like your take! You shouldn't have reviewed it if it wasn't your thing!
- Yahtzee proposal for a Massive Multiplayer Crossover Platform Fighter with his own favorite characters: One were you can play as Modesty Blaise and Major Kira as they take on Horatio Hornblower and the Arkhamverse Riddler.
- He then goes on to state that even that wouldn't sell him on the genre, as he feels such a game could never convey the personality of the characters. As an example from Ultimate, he points to Bayonetta who is depicted with realistic human proportions, which he found to be a somewhat unnerving experience.
Yahtzee: Without legs like an unfolded stepladder, she just looks like that one friend of your mom who kept wanting to hang out with you when you were a kid, because she was still single at 34 and the ticking of her biological clock had become as loud as an malfunctioning lawnmower engine.
- Finally, in The Stinger:
Horatio Hornblower's final smash is blindsiding the opponent with dense nautical jargon and then giving them imposter syndrome.
- Yahtzee is not impressed by the story mode, which he sees as a huge step backwards from Brawl:
Yahtzee: If you're expecting a sumptuous buffet of laughably earnest cinematics and specially designed platforming levels that was the Smash Bros. Brawl story mode, then you can stick your head between your legs and wait for your rectum to expend Butterscotch Angel Delight! All you get this time is two cinematics — one at the front and one at the end — and approximately 500 million, billion, squillion random battles against the AI. The story is: All the fighters have been captured by two god-like forces; a white circle representing light, and a black circle representing dark. Stunning creativity on display there! What was the inspiration, Nintendo? The stains on your favourite nightdress?
- He did find amusement using a Game Breaking character.
Yahtzee: So for a while, I was struggling along, not having much fun, but everything abruptly changed after I unlocked Donkey Kong, who I proceeded to exclusively play as. Why? Because A: he's big and cartoony enough you can actually read his movements, and B: He has this one attack that I like to call "Fuck Off I Win (ook ook)," where he slaps the ground and everyone in a ten-mile radius explodes. I ended up challenging myself not to use it because I jerk off sailors for nickels and even I thought it was cheap.
- When it comes to the "spirits", Yahtzee finds that using Dr. Mario and the R.O.B. robot to represent Otacon isn't the worst idea, though personally, he would have gone for a Squirtle wearing glasses.
Katamari Damacy Reroll
Resident Evil 2
- The intro:
Oh, Resident Evil 7
, you've made me the happiest game critic in the world! But what furrows your brow, my love?
- Yahtzee's exasperation at knowing the storyline already:
The problem might have been that the plot is still trying to build suspense about its twists and reveals despite the fact that we already know everything that happens. I was playing the fourth sequel to this game, like, three years ago; it's like watching a fucking nativity play, at this point, except without the slim hope that someone might piss themselves and cry, this not being Metal Gear Solid
- The Running Gag of his Alternative Character Interpretation of Mr. X as a creepy anime-obsessed nerd with no sense of personal boundaries who is following Claire and Leon around because he's trying to force them to watch more of his anime collection.
What I don't like so much is the big, indestructible neckbeard in a trench coat and fedora who pursues you relentlessly from room to room because you made the mistake of admitting that you liked an anime once and now he won't leave you alone until he's shown you his entire Blu-Ray collection
. I get that once we've gone over the hallways enough times to start getting familiar, we need something to keep us unnerved, and he certainly does that as his massive, Pocky-inflated bulk stomps towards you, making all the walls shake, but over time, he becomes more annoying than scary, like those Silent Hill 4
ghosts [one of them portrayed as a Pac-Man ghost]
that keep nibbling your bum and playing the stereos too loud while you're trying to get the exploration and puzzle-solving done. Eventually, you realize that his mum told him he can't follow you into certain rooms, so I'd duck into a safe room and listen to his thundering footsteps echo through the building, not having a chuffing clue where the fucker actually is. Then I'll pop my head out and—Oh, he's right outside, boring a Licker to death with his opinions on Sword Art Online II
; back in the safe room! This isn't creepy survival horror; this is a mailman trying to negotiate with an angry dog in a front yard.
- The Running Gag of dinner plates when Yahtzee is curious on the game:
So I was already iffy on the RE 2
-make, 'cos the very idea is what we call a "mouthful of dinner plates" because it makes me do this: Eeeeeehhh
And then reviews started coming in, and virtually all of them praise it for being "true to the original", and that made the dinner plate double in size: Rrrrrrgghh
- This moves on toward the very end when he describes the Idiot Plot of the game:
Yahtzee: It's a classic example of what was once termed a "second-order idiot plot", or a situation that could only exist if every character is an idiot.
Claire: Hey, I'm gonna ride my bike to another city to see if my brother is at the police station.
Yahtzee: Did you try phoning the police station?
Claire: [clueless] Uuuuuuhhh...
[scene cuts to...]
Umbrella Scientist: Hey, I'm gonna make a virus that transforms people into gigantic super-strong monsters with military applications. [injects a human with the virus that turns him into a hedgehog before an imp shows up with an atomic bomb at the following]
Yahtzee: How would that be more efficient than just dropping a big bomb?
Umbrella Scientist: Uuuuuuhhh... [hedgehog man falls over and says, "I've fallen and I can't get up" on the following]
Yahtzee: And anyway, wouldn't it violate the square-cube law?
[scene cuts to the game being clueless next to Yahtzee]
Yahtzee: [annoyed] Oh, never mind; just spit out the dinner plate.
Kingdom Hearts III
- Yahtzee admits that he was curious about Kingdom Hearts III due to people he has respect for (he will not admit whom) expressing their love for the Series. However, he doesn't believe those people when they also say that the plot is over-complicated, especially without playing the other games, along with expressing his love for complicated plots.
Besides, I couldn't quite believe that a company like Disney would let their name be on something incomprehensible; I mean, these are the guys who always pursue the broadest audience possible with psychotic tone-deafness. "Yeah, let's put a happy ending on the fucking Hunchback of Notre Dame
, and after that, let's put stiletto heels on a camel." So I gave Kingdom Hearts
a chance, and you know what viewers? (Aside Glance, Yahtzee throws his controller through the TV)
Sometimes you totally should go with your first instinct.
- Yahtzee depicts Sora's Anime Hair as him having a porcupine strapped to his head. Roxas has a hedgehog.
- The Trenchcoat bad guys (Organization XIII) having no idea how zip-fasteners work.
Master Xehanort: The thing came out of the thing.
- Yahtzee is unclear as to what Sora's exact role is, so he just assumes he's a police officer since he mainly beats up black people.
- Riku (the guy palling around Mickey in a black desert) has a mop head over his head and is described as a "Muppet Babies version of Sephiroth".
- Yahtzee narrates how an everyday occurrence (in this case, going to the bathroom) would play out in Kingdom Hearts.
Goofy: What is it?
Sora: I think I need the toilet!
Goofy: Mmmm... Hey, look! Isn't that a toilet over there?
Sora: Right! Let's get going!
(break into a sprint, bloke in a black trenchcoat appears, everyone stops dead)
Trenchcoat guy: I wouldn't do that if I were you...
Sora: What? The organization!? Why shouldn't we go to the toilet?
Trenchcoat guy: Simply because... I just did a very big poo in that toilet.
Goofy: Gawrsh, if he did a very big poo in the toilet, it probably still smells!
Sora: It doesn't matter.
Trenchcoat guy: Hmmm?
Sora: As long as we're together, we can take on the smell of any poo. That's what friendship is all about!
- [cuts to Yahtzee looking exasperated, lying on the ground, while Trenchcoat guy is still talking. "Fools! Don't you realize I used up all the bog roll!?"]
- "Oh yeah, listening to Donald Duck's voice is like sticking your entire head in a soaking wet condom and then trying to remove it with an orbital sander."
- "Toy Story and Monsters, Inc. are levels, but aren't both of those tangentially set in the real world? Last I checked, reality isn't a subsidiary of the Disney corporation! Not yet, anyway; give them a few more years."
- Yahtzee Mentions that every mission forces you to learn the same message about the Power of Friendship that My Little Pony teaches in three words. This is accompanied by the caption "Acquaintanceship is Witchcraft".
- Yahtzee notices that there is a clear pattern to which films the world are based on (with some exceptions):
And when I say "Disney film", I mean "Pixar film"! Well, partly: The first level is themed around Hercules
. A bit of an odd choice for the opener; who the fuck has spared a thought for Disney's Hercules
in the last twenty years? Besides mythology professors who can't let go of a grudge? Angry Mythology Professor:
You know he kills her babies, right?
- "I didn't expect to finish Kingdom Hearts III in the time I had, so I had just set out to play until I knew my opinion wasn't going to change, and that moment came at the Winnie the Pooh section. In-between two of the actual levels, it suddenly becomes important that Sora investigate why he's not on the cover of a Winnie the Pooh book; wasn't sure why he felt he should be, except his general sense of being the centre of the fucking universe, but then we go to the Hundred Acre Wood, and it turns out everything's fine and they just wanted to hang out, although they won't let you leave until you've played some insipid colour-matching games. I'm sorry, why was this important? Is the plot seriously being held hostage by Winnie the Fucking Pooh?"
- Yahtzee's reaction to the twist that the world is not nearly as bad off as previous established, and Moscow is not truly the last bastion of civilsation, but has just been kept deliberately isolated by paranoid militants this whole time.
Now, I'd never be so hyperbolic as to say that this fundamentally ruins the Metro series, or pisses on it, or leaves its hollowed-out corpse in an alley with an asshole like a rusty tuba, but it does mean that if I get around to replaying the first two Metros, I'm going to feel pretty fucking stupid throughout as I appreciate the horrific, lonely atmosphere of a dead world and the uplifting moments of pure humanity in a seemingly hopeless situation, now knowing that there are fucking beach parties going on a half an hour up the motorway.
- Shit's about to get fucky!~
- I wasn't talking to you, Comrade Buggerov!
Far Cry New Dawn
- The Lampshading of how Stupidity Is the Only Option:
The only reason the Twins have any power seems to be that people like the main protagonist keep getting inexplicable brain farts in their presence; there's one bit where we're headed to a building to confront the Twins, and the Twins give us a ring when we're outside and say, "Hey, put all your guns in that bag and then come in and handcuff yourself to the ceiling," and we're given no choice but to obey. Hypothesize with me, Captain Protagonist Person: what if we just didn't do that? What possible consequence do you think there would be if bursting in guns blazing? "Oh, no! They might say something very fucking sassy before I blow their jawbones off with an LMG and leave their tongues to waggle like used condoms on an extractor fan!"
- Yahtzee notices that ethanol is for some reason an arbitrary rare, but also very important random drop:
New Dawn, are you slightly blatantly locking important things behind rare crafting resource grind-a-thons in the hope that I'll notice the fucking massive link to the micropayments shop on the pause menu? New Dawn:
No, of course not! Don't be absurd! (without skipping a beat)
Why? Are you interested? Yahtzee: (with a Twitchy Eye)
Well, ha-ha! Maybe I'll not get all the upgrades and call it a "skill run"! (cue Yahtzee welding a stick as a weapon) New Dawn:
You need to upgrade your base to unlock all the story missions! Yahtzee: (seriously pissed-off)
STICK IT UP YOUR BUM! (cue Yahtzee performing an Ass Shove on New Dawn with said stick)
- Yahtzee's summary of how the game came about.
Well, now that you've spent all that money getting the Star Wars
license, we did make Knights of the Old Republic
back in the day, so perhaps we could— EA: NO!
HATE STAR WARS
! STAR WARS
IS BORING! CANCEL ALL THE STAR WARS
! I WANT THAT! BioWare:
You want what? EA:
I WANT THAT!
(points to Destiny 2
YES! I WANT THING THAT LOOKS LIKE HALO
WITH SOMEHOW EVEN LESS PERSONALITY! BioWare:
Well, you can't have Destiny
, it's owned by Activision Blizzard
... EA: AMAGUAHUBLABLA! BioWare:
Alright, alright! I suppose we could make something that's a lot like Destiny
. I mean, mindless online-only looty-shooties aren't really our thing, we're more about character-based roleplaying... (cut to EA sitting with crossed arms and being blue in the face) BioWare:
Oh, dear! Please stop holding your breath, EA. Look, we made our own version of Destiny
! It's called Anthem
. EA: (casually throws Anthem away)
UGH! HATE IT! YOU'RE ALL FIRED! WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE A STAR WARS GAME
- Yahtzee describes the story and the gameplay of the game as two entities that absolutely hate each but are forced to live together, comparing them to Israel and Palestine. He then adds that, admittedly, Israel and Palestine have never attempted to sell loot-boxes to Lebanon.
- The tangent on how the game seems really set on enforcing multiplayer:
Meanwhile, show up at Gameplay Land and ask if it will be possible to play singleplayer, and the game reacts like you sat down at an expensive restaurant and ordered a bowl of cornflakes. You go to the privacy settings — once you can find the fucking things, 'cause this has a worse menu system than a McDonalds Drive-Thru after a major earthquake. What is it with Ultra AAA game having shitty interfaces these days? Is it the same principle by which Las Vegas casinos are laid out; to get you lost and unable to to glimpse the sun, in the hopes you get confused and accidentally drop all your money? — and your options are public match, as God intended, or private match for big stupid losers. And then, when you set it to private and try to start solo a window pops up saying: "Heh heh, sorry! Someone's clearly made a dreadful mistake. Surely, you don't actually want to play a solo private match! Just click here and we'll set it back to public play, so you can rejoin all the normal people!" But I didn't click that and the tip on the loading screen was something about how playing multiplayer earns more rewards and doesn't make the little Baby Jesus cry. What the fuck is this, guys?! Am I on suicide watch!?
Yahtzee: The gameplay clearly exists on sufferance, and yet the main story is still surprisingly short and padded out. The bit where you can't continue the plot until you complete a checklist of arbitrary gameplay grinds springs to mind — a very poorly explained checklist at that.
Anthem: Get five multikills.
Yahtzee: What the fuck's a "multikill", Anthem?
Anthem: Well, what do you think it is?
Yahtzee: Erm... Killing more than two enemies with one grenade?
Anthem: Oh, good guess! (without skipping a beat) Wrong, though.
- "Crackdown 3 has appeared, and it's a very appropriate title: 'down' because that's how it makes me feel, 'crack' because anyone involved with it is going to lose all their teeth and end up sucking dick behind the bus station, and '3' which sounds a bit like 'wee'."
- The description of the game's premise:
Yahtzee: Crackdown 3 is about a glittering future city that was established in the aftermath of a global crisis in which the superpowered peacekeepers of the ever-unspecifically-named "Agency" are going into to start trouble, because the people who are running it are evil. Or at least, we are given every assurance that they are; it's a very "tell, don't show" kind of arrangement.
Military Officer: There is no evidence that they don't eat children.
Yahtzee: We don't get to see for ourselves much of the "oppression" and "violence" we're told is taking place; the most evidence the game presents for us outside of the briefing videos is that the city has police stations.
Police stations: We put people in cells! Har, har, har!
Yahtzee: Yes, our helicopter does get shot down on the way in, but that could just have been the city authorities not wanting the Agency to come in and beat them all to death with their own company cars.
- Yahtzee's tangent on why the game is not just blandly bad, but outright bad:
Yahtzee: Left Alive
, I have no doubt. But it is not the usual boring badness, i.e. the same hacked-out shit as always, callously designed to wring from the mentally disadvantaged the money that their schools and workplaces give them if they promise not to show up
; it's the much more interesting, for my purposes, baffingly, horribly-designed bad that some idiot actually published. Square Enix: (looking at
Left Alive with embarrassment)
Sorry, he's with me. Yahtzee:
Come on, Square Enix; you're old enough to know better! What happened to the sterling business minds that published... (Yahtzee's avatar looks up from his computer to see The Quiet Man, Kingdom Hearts III, and Just Cause 4 dangling from the ceiling) Yahtzee:
Hmm... (holds up a hundred-dollar bill) If I gave you money, would you go away?
- Three words: Alzheimer's brain fart.
- "I ran into one civilian [portrayed by a lamb] who wouldn't let me escort her until she went through a dialogue tree, and if I picked anything but one specific thread of responses from a list that all seem to mean the exact same thing, she fucking popped herself in the skull, and then I had to pretend to look disappointed."
Improve your mood
Kissy kissy mwa mwa
- "It all starts when you get near the enemy, and you will know about it because the computer voice [portrayed by Rosie the Robot] goes "THE ENEMY ARE APPROACHING" every fucking time like a forgetful sat-nav."
- Right before that:
But the true shit shower of Left Alive
all falls upon one flimsy umbrella, and that's bad A.I.; in fact, if there were a "bad games" version of Captain Planet
, then I Am Alive
would be chosen to wield the power ring of bad A.I.
- Speaking of "Five Alive", we get to the ending of this review of the game:
Yahtzee: The precise moment where it all came crashing down for me was when I found a hidden document that displayed a piece of flavor text, stating that "The city council rejected a proposal to overhaul the sewer system." [read as "The city council rejected a blurp de overhaul de blurpedy blurp."] In that moment, the scales [portrayed as weight scales] fell from my eyes. What the fuck am I doing here?! Why the fuck am I reading this?! "Flavor text"?! [tosses paper out] Only in the sense that "plain" is a flavor of crisp!
Flavor text paper: [becomes nerd with sunglasses] I thought I was quite interesting ackchewally.
The Division 2
- Yahtzee spends about half the episode under the belief that The Division 2 is a sequel to Devotion, and even repeatedly calls it "The Devotion 2".
As depressing as it is that this
can happen in 20 fucking 19, I do think it was a bit of a overreaction on Red Chandle Games' part to rush out a sequel so quickly that they didn't even spell the name right. And also to move to Sweden and charge their names to Massive Entertainment
- It isn't until an imp whispers in his ear that he gets the memo.
...And with that The Devotion 2
is a true sequel to the previous— (an imp appears behind Yahtzee's avatar) Yahtzee: What?!
What do you want? Imp: (whispers something in Yahtzee's ear) Yahtzee:
Well, what is a sequel to then? Imp: (whispers something more in Yahtzee's ear) Yahtzee:
What? The boring one? Imp: (whispers something affirmative in Yahtzee's ear) Yahtzee:
Actually, that does make more sense. (looks at the audience)
Sorry, everyone. Little misunderstanding. I have to start again. (clears throat) Boring Tom Clancy Ubisoft Sandbox 2 is another The Division.
Oh bugger, I confused myself. One more try...
- "Someday they're going to refine this all down and make a game where all you do is '+1' on a calculator until you reach the arbitrary point that makes a nearby person's chest cavity explode, and your calculator gets slightly bigger. It'll make billions."
Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice
- Since Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice is made by FromSoftware, and since he's very fond of Dark Souls (and knows he will compare the two a lot), Yahtzee decides to replace every mention of Dark Souls with the title of a James Bond film, going in chronological order over the course of the review.
- Yahtzee is glad that the multiplayer conventions in Dark Souls isn't in Sekiro, like player-written messages giving hints or sex-jokes, calling help to be crash dummies, or the thing he's really excited about: the ability to pause.
: Holy fucking shit, I'm going to relish the fuck out of this!! I'm going to get into a big fight and then pause right in the middle of it and go off to do my fucking laundry. And the enemy will just have to stand there the whole time with their arm up like a stupid twat. Imp Enemy
: I don't think he's coming back.
(Second Imp in the air falls down to the ground) Yahtzee
: Now who needs to "git gud"?
Unheard and Outward
- Yahtzee describing the start of Outward:
Yahtzee: You start the game, wake up in your nice bed, yawn, stretch, put on your jeans, head out the door, and then a crowd of people on your doorstep call you a cunt.
Yoshi's Crafted World
- Yahtzee's rant on how Yoshi's Island popularized the concept of 100% Completion, and how it, in his view at least, led to the modern plague of Loot Boxes and Microtransactions in pretty much every major mainstream game. He finishes said rant by hoping that the person who got the idea of degrees of success in video games will be remembered in the same way history remembers "the dude that fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS!"
Child: Mummy, can I watch this funny Internet video about my favorite Yoshi game?
Mother: Of course, darling. There's hardly likely to be a reference to the dude that fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS.
- During his rambling about the game's similarity to Hotline Miami, he uses French Toast Crunch as an example of discontinued breakfast cereal.
- Checking off the items, he finishes with "Cinnamon Chex with sausage on the side!".
- After complimenting the game's fast-paced action and the fact that you get a recap of your successful run at full-speed rather than incorporating the slo-mo, he then complains about having too much plot interfering with the fun.
: And now all the game developers will throw down and stamp their baseball caps they got free at GDC and cry "He's officially impossible to please
- Yahtzee making his thoughts about the game clear from the opening:
- After talking a little more about how generic the game is, Yahtzee admits that he is rambling, and should probably try to describe the game in more detail, but warns the viewers that their own minds might start rambling in the process:
- The section on the Player Character, Deacon St. John. He starts with the way his dialogue learns heavily into Realistic Diction Is Unrealistic:
The game feels so fucking drawn out, which I partly blame on the dialogue; they should have called Days Gone
: The Game". Maybe it is more "naturalistic" to pepper every lines with "Uhms" and "Errs" and stutters and flubs, but it so fucking
exhausting to listen to, and Deacon St. John is the verbal tic-iest of them all, constantly... (drowsy voice)
err... talking like he's... (yawns)
just woken up... and is working a-uh... (strained)
kink out of his back, and... (sighs heavily, then sleepily)
really can't be bothered with your bullshit right now.
- He then takes several swings against the character itself:
Of all the video game protagonists I've been unreasonably obliged to identify with, I struggle to think of one I dislike more than Deacon St. John. Even Jeffrey Cuddletrousers
at least had some fucking ambition
in life. At least he knew how to express himself, and didn't just mumble into his shoes all the time. He didn't sulk and whine every time someone asked him to do something, like a teenager when the bins need putting out. And he didn't passive-aggressively criticize them under his breath the moment their backs were turned; he'd mainly just stab in the face and shit. But the developers apparently thought Deacon St. John's "dynamic" personality needed to be a constant presence, so he has to comment on fucking everything
. "Oh, I picked up a bottle. Another Molotov, is it? Yawn!" And another thing, stop second-guessing my intentions, Deacon St. John! I walk two feet out of a zombie clear-out zone, and you go "Ooh, I guess I'll finish clearing it out later, then." You'd like that, wouldn't you, you lazy bastard?!
What was your job in that biker gang you used to be in? 'Cos I think you must have been taste-testing the crystal meth.
Close to the Sun
- "Help me out here, Bethesda: why does Rage 2 have to exist? Actually, before you answer that, remind me: why did Rage 1 have to exist? 'Cos all Rage 1 was, in retrospect, was a rather unmemorable little sidetrack that meant we couldn't have Doom 2016 for another few years, like an extremely long queue outside a cake and blowjob shop."
- "But as is so often the case when something that works well for a linear shooter is put in an open-world sandbox setting, Rage 2 has an issue with pacing, in the same way that I have an issue with my uncomfortably large 12-inch knob, because Rage 2 doesn't have any fucking pacing."
A Plague Tale: Innocence
- Yahtzee continues his Verbal Tic of dry heaving title colons, but says that this time, the dry heave is quite thematically relevant.
- He also continues the Running Gag of constantly mutating the game's title with every iteration, this time calling it Innocence: A Tale Of Two Plagues, Tale: An Innocent Plague, Innocent Until Proven Plague, An American Tale: Fievel Goes Plague and Innocency: A Plency Tency, while stopping along the way to ponder its actual genre, asking "is Plague, Innocencenote , a horror game?"
- Yahtzee's thoughs on Bleeding Edge: "It's making a heroic effort to not immediately look like a copy of Overwatch."
Bleeding Edge: Yes, it's a team-based competitive hero shooter, but this one's focused on melee combat! (welding a sword)
Yahtzee: Oh. It's all melee?
Bleeding Edge: (apologetically) Um... no. (takes out a submachine gun) Some characters are ranged.
Yahtzee: (immediately walks away) So, like Overwatch, then. Moving on.
Bleeding Edge: (desperately jumping in from outside the frame) Wait! We gave everyone a surfboard!
Yahtzee: I already said "moving on", Bleeding Edge!
- The summary of the presentation of Marvel's Avengers:
But let's get on to some of the bigger stuff, like, for example, the giant dribbling cock that Square Enix
tripped and broke its nose on, the one with "Avengers" written along the side. With Avengers: Endgame
and the very distinct appearances of the main actors still fresh in public memory, wheeling out a game starring their stunt doubles left everyone a bit nonplussed, at best. Square Enix:
Oh, come on, Yahtz! The cost of the likeness rights for these people could've paid for four more years of mysteriously-silent Final Fantasy VII
Oh, fair enough, Square Enix! Just show us how the Avengers game plays, then. Square Enix:
- Yahtzee says he was left quite impressed by DOOM Eternal
Wait a minute, everyone! Yahtzee thought Doom Eternal looked good?!
FUCK! (to a Nurse Imp)
Going to E3 has given him hype disease! Get him in quarantine before the infection spreads and he starts using the phrase "It could be interesting"! (two Nurse Imps carries Yahtzee away from his computer on a strecher) Yahtzee: (gets up from the strecher)
Fine, you want cynicism?
- Said bit of cynicism ends with Yahtzee at first critizing Nintendo for innovating with The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, then going back to the well for a sequel, but as he says this he realizes something:
Mind you, direct sequels to Zelda games doing their own thing now the tiresome "save princess from Ganon" formalities are out of the way have historically been the breeding ground for some of the really good Zeldas, like Link's Awakening
or Majora's Mask
, so actually, a Breath of the Wild
sequel could be intere— (two Imps in hazmat suits busts into Yahtzee's room) Hazmat Imp:
All right! Lock it down! Containment breach! (one of the Hazmat Imp burns Yahtzee's desk and computer with a flame thrower while the other forcibly drags him away)
Blood: Fresh Supply
- Yahtzee decides he better give some historical background to begin with:
Yahtzee: The year is 1996...
Imp: (holds up a calendar) No, it isn't, Yahtz. It's 20—
Yahtzee: IT WAS A RETROSPECTIVE DEVICE, YOU FUCK!!!
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night
- Yahtzee explains the story of the game, which is quite similar to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night:
briefly ties itself in knots coming up with all-new lore to explain why a magical demon hunter - or "Shardbinder", in this case - needs to come fuck up a magically-conjured castle full of monsters that isn't Dracula's castle - even though Dracula is public domain, so surely, it could've been - and after that, things will quickly seem familiar. Cowboy Imp:
Yahtzee, don't you go giving this game no free ride just 'cos you like Symphony of the Night
, you fork-tongued sidewinder! Yahtzee:
Don't worry, passing cowboy; if Bloodstained
were just Symphony
with the Serial Numbers Filed Off
, which it certainly looks like at times, I'd have had to dock points for it being less "innovative new work" than "masturbation exercise".
- Yahtzee is very perturbed by the appearance of the main character:
"[Taking orders from Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
takes the "helping out villagers" side-quests and several of the plot elements, such as a female main character who somehow manages to be simultaneously under- and overdressed. I remember the first time I saw Miriam, Bloodstained
's protagonist, my first thought was, "Are you fucking serious?" Why is she wearing one-third of a breastplate? The devil horns, the rose tattoos, the puffball miniskirt that's, like, one millimeter short of putting camel toe on full display like a frog's head peering over a log? The way she constantly poses like Betty Boop
trying to stay upright at a strong wind? She looks like someone opened one of those incredibly pathetic anime girlfriend dress-up simulators and then sat on the keyboard."
- "In Symphony of the Night, your equipment list could say that Alucard is wearing a coal miner's helmet and a handlebar mustache, [among his "Weapon: Stop Sign" and "Armour: High-Vis Hemlet"] but looking at him in-game, he'd still be his normal, devastatingly handsome anime self 'cos it was all baked-in sprites; well, with the wonderful march of technology, Miriam can now be visibly wearing all those ridiculous accessories, and there are officially no brakes on the "Looking Completely Stupid" train."
Train Conductor Imp: Choo choo!
Yahtzee: Kinda kills the dramatic cutscene when you walk up with bunny ears and a piece of bog roll cellotaped to your nose!
- "I think it's perfectly reasonable to not be 100% literal with the niceties of a game like this; I mean, when I pause the game and eat five curries in the middle of a tricky boss fight, this is on the assumption that when I un-pause, Miriam won't have a tummy ache and basmati rice all down her front."
- Yahtzee has a few complaints about the game itself:
"I had recurring annoyances with the interface. Why does this game always find it so hard to believe that I want to skip a fucking cutscene? Why do I have to press the "Skip" button, like, five times? This is my third attempt at this boss fight; I have established to my satisfaction that "this ends now". I don't want to just skip the first bit of dialogue and get to the little animation that precedes the second and third bit of dialogue; I want to skip the whole thing and get to the part where I start hitting them with sharp objects and the occasional magically-conjured pig!"
- The Running Gag of Yahtzee holding a treasure box of tiny imps going "niggle niggle niggle", describing the aptly-titled niggles of the game.
- Speaking of niggles:
So that's some niggles; them aside, Bloodstained is the exceedingly rare overfunded Kickstarter project that delivers on its promises. [Igarashi says "Promise promise promise promise" to the imps] It's exactly what you wanted: [one of the imps jumps up and says the exact same thing: "It's exactly what I wanted!"] it's Symphony of the Night again, but bigger and brought up-to-date without changing the fundamental things that you liked about it, albeit with some portraits of very greasy people who ponied up extra cash dotted around the map, the occasional monster modeled after their pet dog, and a "Special Thanks" section in the credits that goes on for three fucking hours.
- The Stinger features the ZP version of the main character killing General Custer, absorbing his soul, and gaining exactly the ability you'd expect her to.
- Yahtzee spelling out how most casual Yakuza fans wouldn't know that Judgment was actually a Yakuza game and would instead debate whether or not the title is spelled with an E.
My Friend Pedro & Sea of Solitude
- Yahtzee's biggest pet peeve with Sea of Solitude: The main character, Kay.
Yahtzee: The more I played, the more I disliked her. Not because she was an inattentive sister, or any of the other reasons the game gives us for why she is tormenting herself like this. It's because she is such a fucking self-absorbed drama queen she'll craft a grand operatic senario out of her interpersonal relationship issues!
Kay: (in a melodramatic voice) Oh, no! I didn't give my depressed boyfriend enough space! Verily must I be clothed in the Raiments of the Traitor and banish myself to the wine-dark seas to dwell forever more!
Yahtzee: Just stop texing him so much, YOU DIPPY MOO!
Acclaim Entertainment Hall of Shame
- Yahtzee continues his Running Gag of having the title Censored for Comedy, calling it "The Zero Punctuation Guide to R-word Moments in G-word H-word."
- Yahtzee goes on to reveal that the running theme of this episode terrible game marketing, and lists off some examples:
- Yahtzee noting that Acclaim claimed they received advice on their ill-fated advertising campaigns from a marketing expert named Simeon Cantrell, who by all appearences was a fictious person invented by Acclaim themselves:
All of which indicates that at least one person at Acclaim was treating this as a big, ironic gag that would send them laughing all the way to the bank, but Acclaim was still losing money, so it was more like a forced chuckle all the way to the dole office.
- Yahtzee describing Acclaim pulling their offer to pay the speeding fines of any driver caught on camera the day that Burnout 2 as being due to Acclaim realizing that "...they were all but inciting a motorized version of The Purge."
- The summation of the whole situation around BMX XXX:
A roomful of executives passed around the nitrous oxide and reached the conclusion that the next logical step for the popular Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX
series was to have a version of the game where everyone had their tits and bums hanging out; it was a staggeringly cheap and awful concept and, upon getting wind of it, Dave Mirra paused briefly between one-handers to firmly request that his name be taken off. Acclaim then went, "Well, he said that, but maybe if we kept him in the game anyway, he'd realize that we just want to include him in our good-natured knockabout fun fest and come around to our mission to delight the tit- and bum-loving children of the world." And you know what? Dave Mirra's heart grew three sizes that day. [Beat]
Nah, I'm just kidding; he sued their bollocks off. Dave Mirra: (sitting in the plaintiff's stand)
I mean, what the fuck, your honor!?
- Yahtzee brings up Acclaim's offer to give money to any one willing to name their newborn "Turok", and predicts that those children are going to be bully magnets. He then brings up this Brick Joke in The Stinger:
Then again there's not much playground bullies can do with "Turok" besides "Poo-Cock" and that smacks of trying too hard.
- The intro to the video:
Yahtzee: (narrating) We people who like single-player narrative-based video games really are the fucking disgruntled older siblings of this industry, aren't we? Nothing is ours forever.
The Video Game Industry/Yahtzee's Mom: All right, you've had enough fun with your new Wolfenstein series; give it up now so we can let your hyperactive little cunt of a younger brother have it. Oh, he doesn't like it so much, so we're going to break its kneecaps and make it multiplayer-focused; you were done with it, right?
Yahtzee: Why can't we just have something that's ours?! Why does everything we have eventually get handed to Timmy Cuntface? You know he fucks the dog, right?!
The Video Game Industry/Yahtzee's Mom: Well, maybe if you bought a loot box now and then, we'd overlook you molesting the pets, too!
Yahtzee: (narrating) On the whole, it wasn't our most productive family therapy session.
Yahtzee's therapist: (sitting awkwardly in the background and observing the scene) Aaaaand we're out of time!
- "I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of narrative-based franchises that have been "improved" by making the latest installment co-op focused; I don't have any fingers on my hand 'cos it's a featureless white circle. Kind of surprised it took you this long to notice."
- Yahtzee makes a complaint about the lives system:
Yahtzee: Oh yeah, let's add a nice big, black mark for that, a brown mark smeared on with a white-knuckled fistful of turd. There's a "lives" system that you and the old ball-and-chain have to share; run out, and you have to start the mission all over again.
Wolfenstein: Youngblood: Oh, did you originally go into the mission with three lives? Well, now you have to restart it with one. Fuck you.
Yahtzee: But why, Wolfenstein: Youngblood?!
Bethesda: Because we hate you, Player. We hate that you exist. Because by existing, you prove that there's an audience for this tosh, forcing us to make it when none of us give much of a shit about it and would much rather be, say, working on the new Doom, or picking biscuit crumbs out of our belly hair."
- He even complains about the blandness of the game and its environments:
I'm in one of many samey urban environments, my attempt at stealth inevitably fails when my A.I. partner is caught doing chalk drawings on the pavement, I gun down a horde of screaming bullet-sponges with bullets and explosives, then pass through one flimsy gate and find another unit of Nazis completely oblivious to what I was doing next door, and then I go back through the gate and all the previous dudes have respawned. So all in all, I'm having as much impact on the world as my teeth have on a brass bollard. I have to pass through the underground tunnels again, where it's pitch-black and I can't use any gun without a flashlight, and they're full of the same Nazis as always! How can they fucking see?! How can their exploding kamikaze dogs see?! Serious Sam gets away with exploding kamikazes 'cos you fight them in open areas; in claustrophobic tunnels, they're basically "We're taking your health now; fuck you."
Rebel Galaxy Outlaw
- Yahtzee expresses disappointment that the game has broken the rhyming scheme of Remedy's previous games, Alan Wake and Quantum Break, though he then suggests that this may the third line of a limerick.
"First, Remedy made Alan Wake,
And followed it with Quantum Break.
And then came Control,
All penned to a soul,
By a squinty young man named Sam Lake."
- His final conclusion, delivered as another limerick:
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan
Remnant: From the Ashes
- Yahtzee quickly gives any pretense that the game is anything else than it is:
Remnant (hurk) From the Ashes
is a third-person action adventure with a grim tone, set in a dying world— (with an unenthused tone)
It's a Dark Souls
clone, isn't it?
- He then follows that up with:
So, come on then: what's this one's gimmick? Viewer:
Well, it's Dark Souls
, but WITH GUNS! Yahtzee:
then? Viewer: (with a Twitchy Eye) No!
Shut up! It's Dark Souls
, but a full-on third-person shooter. Over-the-shoulder, iron-sights, the whole steaming cow pad! Yahtzee:
So, it's Dark Souls
combined with the other 50% of games that comes out these days?
- "There's one boss that is two bosses that both stay on either side of a narrow bridge the player's on, so for solo players, it's literally impossible to keep track of both at once unless you happen to be an owl, and it won't be less frustrating because the controller will keep falling out of your majestic talons."
- Yahtzee tries to summarize the game:
- Yahtzee calls the game Bread Bin: From the Ashes and then Remnant: From the Arses.
- Yahtzee is not impressed with the attempts to turn Blair Witch into a franchise:
Oh, piss off, Lionsgate Entertainment
! What the fuck is "The Blair Witch
Mythos"? It's a spooky forest that kids go missing in? If that's copyrightable now, you'd better get busy suing the Brothers Grimm
, and literally everyone who's told a campfire story.
- Yahtzee ruminating on the dog's name.
Yahtzee: Now, I'm no psychologist, but if you're training up a therapy dog specifically for helping a traumatized war veteran who tends to have PTSD flashbacks when reminded of violence, naming him "Bullet" seems a bit counterproductive to me; it's either very misguided or the work of a very devious therapist trying to ensure a guaranteed source of income.
Guy: What's your dog's name?
Guy: Did you say "Bullet"?
Lynch: WHAT!?! WHERE?! WHERE?!
- Rather than mutating the game's title, Yahtzee instead calls Bullet a variety of different weapon names including White Phosphorus.
- Yahtzee's frustration with the writing, culminating with the outburst comparable to the "GOTY definition" argument:
Wanna know how to do a Gears of War
witticism? Step one, say something relevant but completely obvious, to stir the players from the trance the combat put them into, step two, continue talking uselessly until I hate you. Grunt #1:
We need to go over there, and by "over there" I mean "towards that big scary building full of enemies". Grunt #2: (rolls eyes)
, so what's the good news? Grunt #1:
Well, the good news is that I'm very handsome and glib and— Yahtzee: SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUP! (beat) Grunt #2:
Okay, but by "shut the fuck up" do you mean— Yahtzee: OH MY GOD!
Why can't you just accept that Joss Whedon
will never hire you?!
- Before starting the review proper, Yahtzee lists all the games he tried to review but couldn't because of some issues. Borderlands 3 is notable because he lost a little more of his will to live with each line of dialogue that tried to be long and witty.
- At one point the monsters from the "super charged anime dog walking simulator" all break their command chains and rebel... except for yours. "You're special because the pet monster respects your noble bearing and kibble purchasing decisions."
- Yahtzee complains how Astral Chain is routine even with the restrained anime tropes, but he also admits that a game about police officers (supernatural or otherwise) would kind of HAVE to be routine.
: *kkkrt* Attention all officers. A giant armored gorilla is flinging exploding turds around city center. *kkkrt* Yahtzee
: *kkkrt* You mean a 2218?
*kkkrt* Imp Officer
: *kkkrt* No, it's a 2219 because he's wearing a sombrero.
Contra: Rogue Corps
Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Breakpoint
- The video starts off with another visit from the Running Gag on how Tom Clancy's name is still being put on games, despite him being long dead:
Isn't it a shame in today's economy that the average age of retirement keeps getting later and later? Poor old Tom Clancy's been dead for six years, and he still has to show up for work! What, has the rent on his grave gone up? Does it cost a lot to run the sound system that constantly blares "Stars and Stripes Forever" into his casket?
- Yahtzee tries to do a pun upon the game title, but he can't help but notice something:
- In addition, he even calls the game "Ghost Recon Breakdance", "Ghost Recon Nervous Breakdown", and "Ghost Recon Breakeven".
- Yahtzee uses a silhouette of Bulgaria to represent the "Island of Nerds".
- Yahtzee talking how he can actually pinpoint the moment the game threw him off:
- He then discusses in depth why it threw him off:
Post-pirate lesbian, something goes horribly wrong with the enemy stats. I went into battle with a small unassuming frog, bum-bounced them between my four lads for twenty minutes, then — in that awkward post-coital cigarette-break
, while I wait for everyone's bars to refil — I realized that the frog still had nine-tenths of its health bar left
. I hit that frog 400 times!
In a sane world, it would no longer have more than one dimension, let alone health points!
And it could not do much damage to me either, so now I'm just disinterestedly doing my super-combo six times to kill one
fucking frog! I feel like Rachmaninoff
playing for pocket-change in a dive bar and the crowd won't stop requesting "Free Bird
- A random section of Yahtzee's tiers of bad writing, from highest to lowest:
The Outer Worlds
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare / Disco Elysium
- Yahtzee noticing how the game goes into "Ubisoft-esque" Implausible Deniability terrority when it comes to portraying Russians and people from the Middle East as the villains:
"Boy, it's a shame how all these unflinchingly Saturday-morning-cartoon-villainous Russians are reflecting badly on all those nice non-Skeletor-like Russians, none of whom we are showing you but do assuredly exist!"
- Another tidbit:
All talk of updating the franchise and bringing it to new heights was bold-faced porky pies, because Activision know that the true audience for this game doesn't actually want innovation; they want the scene that happens at the end of the campaign where Captain Price, the Amazing Human Weetabix, literally reads off a list of named characters from previous Modern Warfare games then winks to camera, as if to say, "You may now soil yourselves in excitement."
List: Soap McTavish
The Russian One
- About one third into the review, Yahtzee instead reveals that he is actually doing a "stealth" review of Disco Elysium:
As for the gameplay, pick up the gun and shooty-shooty, constant chaos, spunkgargleweewee, "Ooh, why won't those meddling politicians let us murder foreigners as we see fit?" (cut to Yahtzee's avatar, with a controller in one hand, disinterestingly shaking his fist at the TV) Wanky-wanky, spy on your neighbors... Patriot Act... racism... Have they gone yet? Have the Call of Duty fans heard enough and fucked off to buy it in droves yet? (Yahtzee's avatar throws the controller away) Right, serious question for the rest of you: Why are you here? Why are any of us here? Did you really expect to hear something interesting about the new fucking Call of Duty?!
- "And when I say skill checks, I don't mean rolling for strength or lockpicking - Where the fuck do you think you are, Gimli, son of Glóin? - instead, you put points into rhetoric, conceptualization, savoir faire, and various other aspects of personality..."
Savoir Faire **
Inland Empire ** Simpsons
- "...all of which have their own distinct voice in your head, ensuring that the main character has as much dialogue with himself as he does with other characters, and two times shitloads is a lot of shitloads, buddy."
- The tiny little Niggle Imp is back.
- Speaking of that...
There's a lot that niggles me: the isometric world is very confusingly laid out and only becomes more of a slog to navigate as it expands; the way different clothing items affect your stats drags me back down to Video Game Land, when I find I can pause the conversation when I see a skill check coming up, put on a Hawaiian shirt, Wellington boots, and a coolie hat and maximize my stat bonus."
1. "You're not my dad"
2. "Right away, Officer"
3. Wait, this is just a sign (Self-Awareness 15% - 55%)
- That funny tidbit at the very end:
...better get back on topic in case any Call of Duty fans decided to skip to the end: ooh, pick up that grenade, ratatat ratatat, strawberry jam on the glasses, Bay of Pigs, Iran-Contra, 70% on Metacritic, etc., etc., stick it up your fucking bum, Activision!
Luigi's Mansion 3
- The description of Luigi and Princess Peach's relationship:
[Luigi] merrily shows up with his pussy patrol: three Toads, his brother Mario, and that girl Mario seems to like but Luigi doesn't really know how to act around. And he's pretty sure she drank his last Stella, but he didn't bring it up, and now he's just quietly stewing in passive-aggressive resentment because he's afraid of seeming uptight.
- Yahtzee earnestly believes that the cult following for Shenmue III is a "decade spanning practical joke", highlighted by the game artlessly using plain Arial and Impact fonts. The Self-Deprecation comes from the fact Yahtzee used Windows Movie Maker for his first review videos.
The game boots up, and I'm greeted with a beautiful title screen that some artist must've been very proud of, and then the words "PRESS START" appear across it in massive, plain-white Arial font. And then you press Start, as instructed, and the fucking title menu is in plain Impact! See, these are the little things that a person might pick up from actually playing a video game now and then: that doing your title menus with overused default fonts make them look like they were made in Windows Movie Maker!
- Yahtzee is so mad he has to write down his feelings before he sees a small animal and feels compelled to kick it to death.
- "Conversations in Shenmue are always a fucking surreal experience; as before, every line sounds like it was recorded in a vacuum, and most of the voice actors massively overact, with the significant exception of Ryo Hazuki himself, who needs a few hours' work on a lathe just to raise his eyebrows. The end result is that most conversations sound like two poorly-trained undercover police officers trying to sound nonchalant while keeping one eye on a suspected drug deal."
Officer: Hello, Mr. Hazuki!
Ryo: Hello. Do you know where to find... inexpensive prostitutes?
Officer: Hmm, I think you can find some at— ALL RIGHT, HE TOOK THE MONEY! GO, GO, GO!
- The first boss fight in the game (a gang leader) ends when "he hydrates his lawn with Ryo Hazuki's tear ducts". Yahtzee spends the rest of the game grinding for money and skill points to learn a secret technique. He marched confidently to fight the boss again... who proceeded to hydrate his lawn with Ryo Hazuki's tear ducts again.
: And that's where I said "Fuck it!
" *his avatar tosses the controller straight up into the air*
2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup
- With the year ending, Yahtzee decided to review a bunch of games at once that he didn't have time to give a dedicated episode to. Highlights include:
- Code Vein was the most anime game Yahtzee had ever played; it incorporated a Hot Springs Episode as a game mechanic (Yahtzee even feels he has to emphasize that is it an honest-to-god actual game mechanic), and by the time he got to a second big boobed boss villain, he gave up "before (his) Amazon recommendations became too embarrassing".
- With Blasphemous, it can be incredibly amusing and cathartic to hear Yahtzee's reaction to just how horrifying he thinks the game's theme is, and for good reason.note
: Blimey, if you thought Dark Souls
, this is Dark Souls
getting dragged off by the Cenobites
to listen to Norwegian Black Metal
- Outer Wilds: "It's nice when you're roaming the skies with a song in your heart. It's less nice you're lost in an underground labyrinth trying to find a fucking outpost you found two loops ago, but couldn't finish exploring because you misfired your jetpack, fell, broke both your legs and then the sun exploded. It's a game that can simultaneously be very chilled out and very demoralizing. Like going bankrupt because you blew all your money on BBC nature documentaries."
- Borderlands 3: Yahtzee declares he has a lot of things to say about Borderlands 3, and he tells the audience to wait while he leaves to go get them.note
- Ultimately, though, none of the games in the video made any of the top 5 lists.