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Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff
- Nariko's outfit:The whole effect does not so much as scream "battle-hardened swordswoman" as it does the phrase, "Try and pull this one off, cosplayers."
- The demo's stand-out line "We may need you to play twing-twang.":My first thought when I heard that was, "I am so going to quote that out of context," but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context, either. If the developers were hoping Id consider buying the full game just to see what twing-twang is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus, yeah, I went there.
- In fact, that provides the page quote for Makes Just as Much Sense in Context.
- "Since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone erection and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things like arm wrestling and grunting, and if you're seeing a sort of Freudian motif going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one."
- The experiment in the beginning of the episode is actually a punishment for not buying Psychonauts.
- (If you did buy Psychonauts, please disregard the preceding.)
- Yahtzees description of the games divisive status: "Psychonauts seems like a rather polarizing game in that some people seem to think it's the kind of thing Jesus would make if he was alive and wasn't a pussy and some other people feel it's a chunky vomit milkshake severely overhyped by the people in party A."
- The subtitle: an adventure in fanboy baiting.
- While talking about Final Fantasy 13 Lightning herself is suprised that she is actually a woman and not another androgynous male.
- The conclusion:
- A line about boiling water apparently being able to form allegiances in the game is accompanied by a jar of water on a Bunsen burner screaming "FUCK THE POPE!"
- The rant on the extremely binary nature of the Karma Meter:There are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then.
(cue picture of Mother Teresa eating a baby)
- When Yahtzee describes the game as being a kick in the balls to PC Gamers used to more complicated examples of FPS RPG games (represented by a Big Daddy kicking Yahtzee's avatar squarely between the legs), he qualifies the statement by calling it a gentler kick than most, "an extremely pretty, well-executed kick in the balls", tucking a large violet flower behind the Big Daddy's ear and adding a Little Sister standing behind the Big Daddy giving him a 6.0.
Tomb Raider Anniversary
- After spending the whole review trying to avoid referring to breasts, Yahtzee falls prey to the Freudian Slippery Slope, which culminates in a Hurricane of Euphemisms for boobies.I mean, is it just because no one can come up with new ideas? It's not hard. Here's one: a genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistiques, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING GREAT TITS!note[cue "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen]
- Before that, his musings on playing the original Tomb Raider as a kid:
- The opening song...Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows
- It's hard to catch, but in the review he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that Barbie Horse Riding has over twice as much hardcore violence as Resistance: Fall of Man.
- Yahtzee's "No, and go fuck yourself, you ignorant scaremongering cockbags!" being captioned as "No, and I consider your argument misinformed."
- On the game's addictiveness.I started playing at around noon and emerged from my room some time later to find the authorities had declared me legally dead.
- "Allow me to hold your head under the waters of putrescent waters of knowledge" complete with diagram of Yahtzee doing that.
- The opening music for this episode is "Hello Goodbye" by The Beatles, which sounds very funny if you do the necessary mental substitution, as it ends up making the name of the series feel like an Inherently Funny Word:You say "goodbye", and I say "Halo", "Halo Halo", I don't know why you say "goodbye", I say "Halo"...
- "If you asked me to summarise Halo 3 in one word, I'd tell you to stop being such a twat, but if pressed, I guess I'd go for 'schizophrenic'." (the word "Inconsistent" appears on-screen)
- "The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my ass until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound cross-eyed hobbit, and you're armed with a BFG 9000."
- Describing the companion AI as "Pants-on-head retarded", complete with image of companion wearing pants on head. (Also keep in mind that Yahtzee is British, so by "pants" he means "underpants".)
- Yahtzee decides to test the limits of the game's anti-profanity filter by naming his character "Gareth Gobulcoque".
- "Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad."
The Orange Box
- "It's short, it's cheap, and it comes with lots of fun extras, not unlike yer mum."
- Comparing Half Life 2: Episode Two's use of Remember the New Guy? to "coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the dinner table, and you're the only one who seems to notice."More potatoes, Uncle Tusky?
- Comparing playing a Sniper in Team Fortress 2 to playing an adventure game where "the only puzzle is 'Use GUN on MAN'."
- The on-screen text reads "Use GUN on OBLIVIOUS POTTYMOUTHED JERK", while the Sniper aims at the back of Yahtzee's own avatar.
- Admitting that he can't find any serious problems with Portal: "This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece."
- "If you like blazing action peppered with variety and cleverness you could do a hell of a lot worse than Half-Life 2: Episode 2 (Manchester United nil). Now then, Team Fortress 2 (Liverpool 3, sorry, I'll stop this now)."
- It's always funny when Yahtzee takes game titles that contain numbers and turn them into the final scores of sporting events.
Super Paper Mario
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
- "The Hero called "Link" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the "Enter Name" feature, and "Fagballs" on all the others."
- "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like Foghorn Leghorn."
- Actually doing this with most Zelda games makes quite a few lines absolutely hysterical. And oddly fitting in a few instances, too.
- "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like Foghorn Leghorn."
- "Phourglass' other gimmick is that after each dungeon, you have to go back to the starting temple to find out where to go next for the next one. And while not wishing to be confrontational, this aspect of the game can fuck right off!"
- "It seems Nintendo is the only company we allow to get away with his behavior. Imagine if anyone else did it; imagine if Valve released Half-Life, then a few years later they released Half-Life again with exactly the same plot, but with better graphics, different level design, and maybe one new gun, like a tube that shoots lemons. We'd think they had all gone raving mad! They'd be in drug rehab before Half-Life: Citrus Bazooka could even hit shelves!"
Clive Barker's Jericho
- Calling Clive Barker's Jericho: "Clive Barker's Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker".
- On the subject of Jericho's questionable level design and usage of Real Is Brown:This might sound like a purely aesthetic quibble, but it makes the levels confusing to navigate since if you've seen one ruined brown castle corridor, you've seen them all. On three separate occasions, I found I was backtracking without even realizing, and that's usually the point when the level designer needs to be feeling ashamed of himself. (cuts to the level designer falling into the mouth of a shark)
- "The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually, one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again!"
Guitar Hero III
- His opinion on buying expansion packs and his depiction of the mental image it brings up Crosses the Line Twice:The day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end of my arse, and floss myself to death.
- The review being stuffed with Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?, before ending:On the whole though it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls. [both figures stop playing and stare at the fourth wall] I mean... as it used to be. [awkward silence] I'm not gay.
- Yahtzee finding the game's character creation tool to be somewhat inflexible, yet also flexible to draw comedy from:Some day I want to make a list of all the games that feature as the protagonist a grizzled, generically handsome, short brown-haired guy. I'm sure I'd end up with something populated by roughly 70% of all the games ever made ever. Mass Effect is gratifyingly different by letting you choose between various styles and shades of short brown hair and fully customise your generic handsomeness and grizzledom levels. Well, that's a little unfair — you can be a grizzled, short brown-haired girl, too. I eventually went for an ugly motherfucker who looked like a cross between Pete Postlethwaite and Thom Yorke so it'd be funnier when all the female characters started wanting to ride my purple python.
- "Mass Effect is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it."
Super Mario Galaxy
Silent Hill: Origins
- Yahtzee compares Silent Hill 2's writing compared to the rest of the video game industry, like Charles Dickens joining a forum for Invader Zim Fan Fiction. Yahtzee appears in the crowd of the dorky-looking fanfic writers.
- "Also, you have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. (beat) Time's up. That's what I thought! There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate."
- Yahtzee wonders where Travis found a body warmer that was spacious enough to store 18 portable TVs. Cue a animation of pile of TVs falling out of Travis' vest and him hastily stating "I don't know how they got in there, officer!"
- "But it's impossible to care about [Travis] because A) he's a breathtaking nonentity with all the emotion of a polystyrene block, and B) there's no reason for him to be in the town at all. There's no missing wife or daughter keeping him motivated; the only conceivable reason for not turning on his heel and fleeing with nary a backward glance or stop at the gift shop is sheer determined retardation."
- "What would you get if you took the corpse of J. R. R. Tolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from Tourette's Syndrome? Well, first you'd get a throatful of dead writer, then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien."
- "As I progressed through the starting village, a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless trudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a MUMORPUGER! A single-player mumorpuger, with no Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse, but a mumorpuger nonetheless."
- The post-credits sequence, a Gag Dub of Painkiller.Sammael: Listen well. You know what this is? This is the first prize trophy of the All-County Cock Sucking Championships. The judges said I was like a vacuum cleaner with a pufferfish on the end. Meet me out front in twenty minutes and you will have the most mind-blowing thirty seconds of your life. Twenty minutes. Out front. Pufferfish. (leaves)
Daniel: Okay, now I just have to figure out if that was a man or a woman.
- "You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and melt away between their smooth milky thighs as the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous bodies, but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that."
- THINK OF SOMETHING WHOLESOME INSTEAD
Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles
- "Umbrella Chronicles is a heavily cut-down retread of three of the major Resident Evil games, starring Johnny Bravonote , a prostitutenote , an idiotnote , a mulletnote , a nine year-old boynote , a brick shithousenote , and Carlosnote ."
- "And despite being given this opportunity to revise things, it's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. "I have a bad feeling about this," announces Jill Valentine, after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced."Jill: <with a zombie latched onto her arm> Hooker sense tinglingZombie: Mmm hooker
- "And despite being given this opportunity to revise things, it's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. "I have a bad feeling about this," announces Jill Valentine, after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced."
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
- The introduction of the Triple-cunted Hooker:Yahtzee's avatar: (staring down said hooker's pants) Holy shit!
- (Waffle about game physics)... "and now, to counteract the seriousness of that last sentence, Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers".
- When Yahtzee describes Call of Duty's deconstruction of typical war tropes he says it is what elevates Call of Duty 4 from average to excellent, before clarifying that the word excellent shouldn't just be tossed around and even so it doesn't rank far on the scale of other excellent things, where Call of Duty is on the far left, Portal is to the right, and at the very end of the scale there is a picture of Jesus Christ.
- The episode's description alone:This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee compares Sim City to Nazi Germany.
- The actual comparison comes up when Yahtzee ponders on how the Sims inhabiting the town are very easily to make happy:I set out to make a brutal, authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like thought police headquarters and all the venues were propaganda theaters, and most of the gormless fuckers were still "content" or "elated". Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started!
(a smiling Adolf Hitler appears in the corner)
- The actual comparison comes up when Yahtzee ponders on how the Sims inhabiting the town are very easily to make happy:
- "I suppose the clinching flaw in this game that revolves around keeping people happy is that the people provoke empathy in the same way Jeremy Clarkson provokes animalistic lust."
- Yahtzee points out that the game doesn't particularly cares all that much where the player decides to build stuff, although it is still a bad idea to build schools next to "the pedophile training center". Said "training center" is labelled "Japanese Manga Shop".
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
- Yahtzee casually drops the fact that the Evil Brit Big Bad dies near the end and is replaced by "a more ethnic final boss".Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like "the bad guy dies."
- The drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says "THE BABY IS FINE THE BABY IS OKAY."
- The bit where Yahtzee briefly shifts from his usual style to a live action recording of himself, where he patiently explains that a Quick Time Event should not be used in a way that promotes Fake Difficulty, especially if they're done in a way the player can't expect — before a "Press X to Dodge" message suddenly flashes on the screen, and Yahtzee nonchalantly dodges a thrown object, all while still calmly explaining his point.
- The titlecards for each chapter of the review, which suffer increasing degrees of typos and other abuse.
- Yahtzee's explanation for why First-Person Shooter games of recent have abandoned health meters: "Maybe someone threw a big party for video game interfaces, and Mr. Health Meter got drunk and acted like a tit, so now everyone shuns him".
- The Funny Background Event in the ending credits. The heads-up display from Doom is shown on the bottom of the screen, with Yahtzees cartoon head replacing that of the game's protagonist, when an imp removes the head and sits in its place.
- "Instead of doing what I normally do i.e crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises, let's instead use Turok as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first person shooters keep consistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them, then maybe I could persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom."
- On the game completely disregarding the backstory to the series and instead just making another generic first person shooter with a cast based off of Aliens: "They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good, and that's sort of admirable, I guess. In a retarded kind of way" with a bug eyed pug in the foreground.
Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
- "I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously."
- Yahtzee continuing to get Zack and Wiki's names wrong (intentionally), eventually ending up calling them "Whack and Sticky".
No More Heroes
- Yahtzee starts off by interrupting his musical Credits Gag in the intro, this time "No More Heroes" by The Stranglers, by declaring it to be a bit too obvious.
- The start of the show's gag on how Suda51 got his name:The game is brought to us by Suda51, the 51st result of an illegal Japanese cloning experiment to create the world's most auteur game designer, Sudas 1 through 50 having perished after their minds failed to absorb the necessary level of pretentiousness.
Condemned 2: Bloodshot
- Yahtzee trying to pour in the Paranoia Fuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under your bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game:
- And when comparing the first game's "Forensics" mini-game to clicking an "OK" button, we're treated to this Freeze-Frame Bonus.LISTEN UP CHUCKLES — Session 9 was actually pretty good.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
- Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from Gametraders Robina) due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from (Gametraders Robina) over and over again, the final time (Gametraders Robina) actually giving the exact address of the store — adding "at my friend guy's house".note
- Yahtzee complains about having to unlock Solid Snake and Sonic the Hedgehog, prompting Mario to pop up.Mario: Looks like-a you'll have to play with a-me instead.
- Yahtzee responds by shooting Mario in the head.
God of War: Chains of Olympus
- Kratos' reaction to being told he has to "prove his worth" yet again:Jesus Nonexistant Christ
- And there's nothing about God of War that really needs changing, it all fits quite nicely together, like furious bloodstained Stickle Bricks.
(pile of bloody Stickle Bricks snarling angrily)
- Arguably the most controversial episode, but also one of the funniest if you have thicker skin. Yahtzee got more hate mail than normal after panning Super Smash so he decided to do a video as an open response to the criticism. The first line before responding to the emails set the tone:So without further ado, Go Team Retard!
- "I do point out every little thing that is bad about a game, but then, I'm a critic! It'd be weird if I didn't. If I put people's balls in my mouth for a living, I'd be a prostitute, or possibly a GameSpot employee..."
- His summary of the weapons.The default weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating-blade arrangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie BrainDead (that's Dead Alive if you're American and fat). As for the gun, I could mention the hugely-satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up - it shoots shurikens and lightning! It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire!
The World Ends With You
- "And [the protagonist] has to team up with a partner, partly to make the most of the DS dual screen, but mostly to teach him a valuable life lesson about friendship and acceptance and everything else Sesame Street used to bang on about whenever Cookie Monster wasn't around."
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
- "Every now and again, the planets would align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ."
- "My only previous experience with The Elder Scrolls series was a brief spell of Morrowind during the previous planetary alignment, in which I ran around some muddy countryside in the rain for a few hours fending off weird sub-human creatures. So basically it was just like Glastonbury Festival."
- Yahtzee's explanation for why he thinks the Player Character was in jail in the first place - for shagging the Emperor's wife and daughter at the same time, while playing a guitar solo on the corpse of God.
- "He took one look at me and noticed the camera floating behind my head and said 'Oh bugger, you're the protagonist. Guess I have to die now.' And die he did, but not before giving me the address of a mate of his for a vital and world-saving quest I could maybe think about following in-between looting bodies and fast traveling."
Metal Gear Solid 4
- After describing Snake and Otacon's relationship: "That oozing sound you just heard was all the world's homoerotic fanfiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk." At which point the screen reads "THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT."
- Also for the genuinely batshit plot of the Metal Gear series:Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS ([Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] )
- Yahtzee discusses the importance of knowing your audience:
- All of Yahtzee's Take Thats at the laziness of webcomics, inspired by the "Loss" controversy of Ctrl+Alt+Del, leading to a moment when he depicts the miscarriage as a bloody imp bouncing out from between a female character's legs, quickly covered by text saying, "THIS IS THE WORST IMAGE I HAVE EVER MADE AND I HATE MYSELF".
- Yahtzee's savage commentary about "Loss":So, now your comic is squatting on the Internet like a sewage plant on the river Thames, but you're still not popular, because you're competing with every other hack with a Playstation and a messiah complex, so how do you stand out against the crowd? Well, you're forgetting the most important ingredient: drama. I'm not talking about dramatic storylines, although that can certainly be part of it. Let's say, for sake of example, that you're sick of making Companion Cube jokes, and suddenly do a serious storyline about your female character having a miscarriage. Obviously, you'd need to have several blood clots in your brain to think this is a good idea; you're established as a wacky humour comic, so this is going to be an awkward tonal shift at best and hugely disrespectful of the subject matter at worst. Your most hardcore supporters will feebly attempt to go along with you on this, smiling nervously at each other as they would around a mentally unstable friend with a shillelagh, but mean-spirited, embittered cocks (cut to Yahtzee's avatar with an arrowing pointing to him) are gonna call you out on it. At this point, there are many ways you can respond. "I don't see you doing anything better," "I can do whatever I want with MY comic," "You're just jealous because I get more readers," and other equally flawed arguments. But above all else, never admit defeat, because the bigger a douche you are, the more traffic you get, as spectators line up to see you jump around the monkey cage, screaming and flinging your poo.
- "... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch."
Alone in the Dark
- The B-Roll Rebus for the phrase "terrible execution" involves a guy stuck in a guillotine backwards so that his feet are about to be chopped off.
- The "Terry vs Gonad" sequence.Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
- The bit about the female sidekick, Sarah Flores:Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up. (The accompanying animation depicts the game prompt first saying "Press X to Not Die" before turning into "You going to Press X or What", as Edward casually sits around in a chair and ignores both the prompt and Sarah.)
- If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch, you do not stick around for the pudding.
- "As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtle, claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. Now it makes no sense, because you're not alone, and it's not even dark, because everything's on fire."
The E3 Trailer Park
- "Those of you that are paying attention will no doubt notice that all these games are sequels, And for those of you not paying attention..." (claps) "OI!"
Ninja Gaiden II
Prince Of Persia Retrospective
- The "Don't stick your dick in a pudding" metaphor.(summing up Warrior Within) It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afternoon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!
- About Warrior Within's darker atmosphere:It seems that Ubisoft decided that emo culture was "in," so they went around the office one morning and fired everyone who was smiling.
- About Warrior Within's darker atmosphere:
Soul Calibur IV
- Yahtzee creating a character modeled after himself, with the "Charisma" and "Morals" sliders set to zero while "Bile", "Articulation", "Standards" and "Hat" are all maxed.
- Yahtzee finds out the gap between difficulty levels the hard way:There isn't a single battle I couldn't get through by slinging my gormless opponent around like a drunken Amish square dance. Perhaps it was because I was playing on Normal difficulty. Hang on, I'll try one on Hard.
(static; cut to real-life Yahtzee with a gun in his mouth and TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES: PLEASE STAND BY...; static)
(cut to Yahtzee's avatar with an axe in his head) Nope, same result.
- While ranting on the lack of innovation in the games industry:And do you know who I blame for all this? YOU! Yes, you, the public. Especially you, ADRIAN! (That probably isn't your name, but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.)
- During his description of the game's plot, he spoils one of the ending twists in a brilliantly-delivered Sarcastic Confession:Most of it is told through a bunch of disjointed text walls about some berk looking for a princess, except maybe she's actually his estranged wife or his dead daughter or maybe she's the atomic bomb — who knows?
- "Will Wright created The Sims, a franchise which by shrewdly combining user-created assets, the powers of a malevolent trickster god and a massive amount of implied nudity, now annually makes about twice as much money as Belgium. So can his new game, Spore, possibly live up to that legacy? In short: No. In long: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...."
- Said "Nooooo..." lasts for roughly 15 seconds.
XBLA Double Bill
- In his review of Bionic Commando Rearmed, Yahtzee brings up the first counterpoint of nostalgia, "that the majority of obsolete retro gaming tropes died out for a good fucking reason!" While he is speaking, four graves read, from left to right, "R.I.P. Two-Button Controllers", "R.I.P. MIDI Music", "R.I.P. Amusing Quit Messages", and "R.I.P. Obnoxious Difficulty", before an imp comes along and pees on the latter grave.
- Scene immediately cuts to a grave that says, "R.I.P. Lives", which the arrow points to while Yahtzee is digging a grave with its stone that says, "R.I.P. Quick-Time Events". Becomes a Brick Joke in the end credits when he's still digging the "Quick-Time Events" grave and a flashing button appears before he swats it away with a shovel. He then looks down and realizes too late that a giant imp has emerged and gobbled him up. Guess he should have heeded the button's warning after all.
- Speaking of the "Lives" system:...when you're hurling yourself through space with no ability to maneuver in the air, with patented insta-death spike and water traps lurking just offscreen like giggling trolls under bridges, deadification is inevitable. [cue the imp dressed as a shark, laughing as spikes impale Nathan Spencer dead]
- "And call me set in my ways,note but surely it would be more intuitive to make pressing the button to shoot the grappling hook also detach it rather than retract and leave you dangling helplessly on the ceiling like a bionic piñata." [cue the imp arriving with a bow-and-arrow to pin Nathan down]
- The bikini-wearing knight riding a dragon fighting a bikini-wearing imp is priceless.
- "The appeal lies in exaggerated, cartoony graphics,note truly imaginative set pieces, and a wonderfully dark sense of humour, which will probably be enough to get most people through all the muck which I'm about to rake up."
- The conclusion:To paraphrase my first statement, nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything, the stupid, diminutive cunts, and you weren't any different. Games — or, should I say, the potential for games — has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, whinging twentysomethings of the future, they'll be declaring that Halo 3 was miles better than a game of interstellar bum pirates on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both Zelda: Twilight Princess and Super Mario Sunshine before I played Ocarina of Time and Mario 64, and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way. Drink down that burnsauce, fat boy. Also, I think Hitler was right!
Credits: Most definitely does not think Hitler was right: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw (phew)
- "There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when Ivy from SoulCalibur's pants ride up, which are perfectly natural for growing young men."
- On the fear of Always a Bigger Fish, one of his complaints about Mercenaries 2: "So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a giant robot crab on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab at the end of it all."
- Yahtzee's new name for the game: "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes".
- The immortal line: "Forgiveness, however, isn't a strong point of mine, so I'll just conclude by saying that Mercenaries 2 can eat a dick pavlova."
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky
- Yahtzee always refers to the game by spelling out the letters in "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", i.e. "Ess-Tee-Ay-Ell-Kay-Ee-Ar: Clear Sky".
- "You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus. But I'll tell you the worst part worst part worst part worst part worst part (system error) ...And whistled for a baboon!"
- Even funnier is the Freeze-Frame Bonus error message at this part.This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Angry policemen are en route and resistance will only make them angrier.
- Then repeated at the end of the video:This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problems persist, sing gentle lullabies and lovingly stroke its hair.
- Even funnier is the Freeze-Frame Bonus error message at this part.
- Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either extremely fat or uncomfortably well-endowed."
- When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of fursuited guy. With all the former ones terrified!
- "We've all been made complacent by tutorial levels and health regeneration. It's up to games like Ess Tee Ay Ell Kay Ee Arr to remind you that you're going to be just as useless after the downfall of society as you are now, nerd.
Silent Hill: Homecoming
- His rip on the arbitrarily "symbolic" monster designs:And what have the new monster designs got to do with anything? A spindly man with a banana skin for a head? What, was Alex's brother once tramautised by a smoothie?
(Alex's brother runs across the screen screaming, pursued by an imp brandishing a smoothie and shouting "DRINK IIIIIT")
- Yahtzee's tangent on Romantic Plot Tumors:This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition.
(illustrated by Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker suddenly interrupting during their climatic lightsaber duel to put on cowboy-hats and start dancing)
We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about.
- And then the follow up:And if that's not enough, you get a wise-cracking black friend drenched in stereotype. Towards the end, there's a bit where you're given the choice to either save him or let him die, and I could not hit that "No" button fast enough, I tell you that.
- Then finally the conclusion:It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant.
(slide with Sean Bean playing with a paper airplane)
- And then the follow up:
- Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and his Angsty Little Pal)"
- The Stinger with Yahtzee making a Gag Dub of the phone call scenes from Silent Hill and Silent Hill 3.Look, love, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I'm just having a rough day. I lost one of the three symbols I need to unlock my front door this morning and I'm just a little bit narky, all right?
Saints Row 2
- Yahtzee on giving gamers too much freedom, coinciding with his belief that Humans Are Morons Who Kill For Fun"If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out onto an old lady."
- "Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't."
- The beginning of the review:
Guitar Hero: World Tour
- Wait until after the credits to hear Yahtzee sing his "Deus Ex Song."
- At the end of his paragraph decrying the excessive use of bloom effects, Yahtzee says the last two sentences in a tone that is matter-of-fact yet filled to the brim with weary resignation mixed with mild disgust. The way it caps the Bathos of the bit turns it into comic gold."So he did. And then he ate his own shoes."
Left 4 Dead
- The poster for a Zombie Apocalypse film, with the title been: "Oh Christ, Them Cunts Be Dead."
- "...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever hes bored; which is all the time. "
Tomb Raider Underworld
- "Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!"
- And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger.
- Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara: Jason Voorhees.They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrassing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever JUST FUCKING DIE!"
- Lara staring at her hands in a way that indicates My God, What Have I Done? after shooting someone. Followed by her casually brushing off some dust and wearing the dead guy's brain on her head, saying "I'M MISTER BRAIN HAT!"
Far Cry 2
- Whenever he turns on the South African accent.
- During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being Bear Grylls] comes along and bites its entire body off."
Little Big Planet
- "There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end"
- Topped during the middle of the video when he "finishes" the review, where Yahtzee shaking his butt to "Soul Bossa Nova" with googly eyes glued to his boxers.
Thief: The Dark Project
Spider-Man: Web of Shadows
- After going on about how he doesn't care about the only new release games (Street Fighter IV and Killzone II) because of Sequelitis, he moves on to the game he wants to review:It's a Spider-Man game, which admittedly there have been around thirty of, but I'm validated as long as there's no number on the end, although I may feel the need to cut myself and weep.
House of the Dead: Overkill
- The part with Bowser in front of an arcade game.Fittingly it's totally retro with the entirety of the controls being little more than "press B to shoot" and "don't press B to not shoot".
[Bowser demonstrates by repeatedly smashing his nose into the button on the machine until he falls onto his back having bloodied his face and knocked himself out, with the game then telling him "You need to shoot some more."
- This bit.Yahtzee's TV: Btw dem cunts be dead.
Yahtzee's avatar: YOU IS DE CUNT!
- His metaphor of Creator/Nintendo as the first survivor killed in a Zombie Apocalypse, Xbox as the heroine, and PS3 as Ving Rhames, culminating in a Visual Pun about the "tortured metaphor" with Jack Bauer at a computer.
50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
- "Remove your presumptions and we find ourself playing a game about an extremely rich man (who wears two hats for no adequate reason) destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself. Presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is."
- NOT RACIST
- The credits blurb about the game being the story about how 50 Cent destabilized the Middle East and thereby caused the events of Modern Warfare series.
Resident Evil 5
- "It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall."
- Which is just a small part of Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the Artificial Stupidity of his NPC sidekick.
- "One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb. And when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere!"
- Which is just a small part of Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the Artificial Stupidity of his NPC sidekick.
- "If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" while he falls through infinite recurring armors.
- "But let's close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that's been hanging around like a bad smell. RE5 actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. And then...! Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. Oh, dears! Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one needn't be worried unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. Capcom aren't bad people, they're just idiots!"
- The Stinger of the review. The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.
- "Yes, it's real-time strategy; a genre which, as the whinier of my correspondence have repeatedly made me very much aware, I have neglected up to now."
- The rant about his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after the timer runs out:"We lost contact!" went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words "WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS." appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact — I was looking at them — They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their Battle Royale collars explode!? Did they lose honour and disembowel themselves? WHAT?!
And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? Absolutely bloody no one! Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole fucking mission again!
As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT!
- It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first — and likely only — time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's beautiful.
- Let's not forget the awesome hypocritically humorous line that explains why he doesn't enjoy the RTS genre:I'm a man's man, a courageous man who's not afraid to be out in the field looking my enemy square in the eye through the scope of a high-powered sniper rifle from the next town over.
Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.
- Yahtzee admits he found the gameplay pretty entertaining, so he decides to rip on the ludicrousness of the story:The PMC point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. But then! They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!?
- When the PMC attacking Washington is illustrated, a the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!"
- He then follow this up with this musing
- When Yahtzee mentions that he is going to spoil the story, he asks any viewers who worry about spoilers to stick their head in a bucket and what for the "generic metal" of the credits sequence starts up. Said credits sequence shows imp stand around holding signs spoiling some of the biggest twist in movie history. Humorously, all of said spoilers easily qualifies as examples of All There Is to Know About "The Crying Game", and even includes the twist from The Crying Game:
Siren: Blood Curse
- His summarized feelings for JRPGs:If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards JRPGs: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan.
- Yahtzee imagines Violette Summer in a one-on-one match with the Nazi imp, Street Fighter II-style:...while Velvet Assassin does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, [screen says, "FIGHT!"] they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, [other Nazi imps come over] you have a bad haircut, [Violette scratches her head with an "Oh, Crap!" look] so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen hyperbolillionth time. [while he is speaking, scene cuts to a dead Violette with her health gauge completely empty, and the words "sixteen hyperbolillionth time" appear in sync]
- He describes what it's like to be in Morphine ModeYou can have one morphine syringe at a time, and when you use it, the enemies freeze in place, the world fills with mist, rose petals fall from the ceiling, and most of Violette's clothes fly off. There really needs to be a word meaning "artsy" in a way that's cool rather than gay. As... interesting... as the effect is, its only real purpose is a one-time Get Out of Fuck-Up Free card, allowing you to swiftly delete one inconveniently alerted Nazi. Once you kill someone, you go back to reality, so if there was more than one alerted Nazi around, then the fuck-up remedy has instead resulted in what we experts call "boomerang fuck-up".
- His conclusion on the subject:One thing's for sure, this definitely wasn't an American production, because if it was it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violette watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me, because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany, then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and Valkyria Chronicles, what's with all the World War II games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service?
Duke Nukem Forever
- Oh Lord, it's difficult to pick just one part of this review as being funnier than the rest. It really must be seen to be believed. Some backstory: The game won Viewer's Choice on Yahtzee's Facebook page. Thing is, the game wasn't actually out yet. The whole review is a big sarcastic joke about the game's ''long'' development cycle and has to be one of his best videos. Highlights include:
- The major changes the game goes through as it progresses:I started the game first-person shooting at terrorists in a military complex, then four or five hours later I was in a restaurant on the Moon making ravioli for an incoming alien wedding party. And I honestly couldnt tell you where any significant changes occurred in the intervening time!
- The "fake" screenshots and trailers for the game:But what really boggles my mind is the sheer amount of effort that went into the fake screenshots and trailers that were released throughout development to give the false impression that the game was an utterly generic brown FPS that any competent studio could have farted out in a year or two, and that the entire team were time-wasting cock sections with the work ethic of an overweight house cat with no legs.
- Every single part of Yahtzee praising the game's control scheme:Every single mode of gameplay in this extravaganza is controlled through an intuitive full body interface. You move Dukes arms with the analog sticks and his legs with the shoulder buttons. So to walk forward you alternate pressing L1 and R1 and youd be amazed how immersive that gets after a while. The buttons are used for facial expressions, so you press X to move your mouth, Triangle to pick your nose, and Square and Circle to wiggle your ears. These are all mostly used to endear yourself to the many rascally children you have to befriend, but theyre also used for problem solving, such as at the point where Duke is strapped to an operating table and needs to activate a crossbow someone left next to his head. Also for the first ten minutes or so you can also use the SIXAXIS to rotate Dukes neck, but then theres a hilarious fourth wall breaking sequence where Duke bursts into the lead designers office and punches him in the stomach for being so fucking stupid.
- The game's dolphin races, which are portrayed on screen through an image of Duke racing a bazooka-wielding Adolf Hitler through the seas on dolphins. And Hitler's dolphin even has a Swastika!
- The game's amazing achievements, especially as Yahtzee descends into an insanely fast Leaning on the Fourth Wall fuelled rant about the final achievement, which appears to hit a hit too Close to Home:It's difficult to pin down my favourite aspect of Duke Nukem Forever between the dolphin races and the gun that shoots dogs and the liberal use of full frontal nudity. But I think the achievements deserve particular mention. Its not just the usual token achievement every time you beat a chapter and a big one at the end, No sir! Duke Nukem Forever makes you fucking work for your gamer score. There's the achievement for beating the final boss using only your ears; Theres the achievement for playing the whole game with the controller immersed in icy water; The achievement for placing a Wii Fit board in front of the TV and obliterating it with a croquet mallet; But the hardest one of all is the achievement for turning off the console, leaving the house, meeting a nice girl, taking a sailing boat around the world, having three beautiful blonde children, and finally dying content with the knowledge that you didn't spend twelve years waiting for an utterly pedestrian sequel to a game that everyone stopped caring about around 1997'' '''''to be released by a developer that makes John Romero look on the ball!'''. Which is a huge challenge because if just one of those kids turns out brunette then you have to start all over again!
- It becomes even more apparent in the next section:My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 DVDs. But Id expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because theyve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say "That's tragic!" NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC! If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!
- The ending of the review, and subsequent credits:But anyway, the point was Im just glad I dont live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I better stop here because I promised Jimi Hendrix that wed go pony trekking under the sea.
- And then the credits show him and Jimi Hendix riding seahorses under the sea, Kimi Hendrix putting on an underwater performance and then getting blown up from a missile launched from a Yellow Submarine.
The Second Annual E 3 Hype Massacre
- While conducting his second annual overview of games previewed at E3: "Final Fantasy XIV! I feel that anything I could say would be repeating myself, so I'm just going to express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat: Aughhghhghghhghghhghghggh."
- What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
- Made better still when he realizes the "epic guitar solo" ending is coming up. You can hear him very quickly say "Fuck" before inhaling and bracing for impact.
- What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
- "Bayonetta! As in 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!"
- When comparing the two protagonists: "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Mr. Bean were a mass murderer."
- "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly, like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")
- After ending up with a tie, Yahtzee decides to declare the better game by whose developer sends him the best picture of the other game's protagonist in a bra.
- Made funnier by the fact that Sucker Punch and Radical actually went through with it.
The Sims 3
- Yahtzee's attempt at "being professional" with the review.Oh boy, The Sims 3! It's like The Sims 2 but plus another one! (ding)
- "This may sound a bit hysterical, but The Sims 3 is probably the most evil game in the world."
- At the beginning he says he's reviewing this game because Ghostbusters: The Video Game, which he'd rather be reviewing, hasn't been released in Australia yet.My future self will probably be playing it by the time this video goes out, but fuck my future self, he's got something against me ever since he started putting on weight.
[Present Yahtzee starts eating a doughnut roughly a quarter the size of his body, causing the gut of Future Yahtzee to jut out, much to the latter's dismay.]
Red Faction: Guerrilla
- The start of this review, which is presented with a somewhat grimly-humourous toned fairy tale narrating Yahtzee's Start of Darkness:Once upon a time, a fresh-faced youngster saved up all his pennies and brought his first PS2. And with it, he bought a game called Red Faction 1. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be shite. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you.
- Which is immediately followed by him ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:You know when Conan the Barbarian watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about!
- Which is immediately followed by him ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:
Silent Hill 2
- "Combat feels like pulling your own teeth out, but then the main characters of the first four games are, respectively, a writer, a clerk, a teenage girl, and a twat."
- "...and the level of doofy the doofuses exhibited make it hard to take seriously.
- "Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Sunderland."
- "It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin.
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood
- Every time the party blower comes out in the Call of HWAREZ review.
2. 5 D Hoedown
- The distraught level designer in the 2.5D Hoedown who follows him around crying with "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" taking up the entire top third of the screen.
- The subversion of X Meets Y at the end.
Tales of Monkey Island
- Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of Tales of Monkey Island was painfully hilarious.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
- While describing the game's combat: "Press X to
not dieKICK ASS."
- Also from the Arkham Asylum video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.
- "Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision; I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen."
- "...But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and fuck, it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up."
- "Scribblenauts comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is Drawn to Life, a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After Drawn to Life they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcompensating!"
- There is one particular hilarious line."The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform."
- The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout Wet's design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain, and causes his boss to be Driven to Suicide.At this point, the game designer's boss says, "Okay, that's the combat. What other gameplay mechanics will there be?"
"Well!" replies the game designer, whom I will name Pillock, "How about, on some of the levels, everything goes all red and black and cel-shaded?"
"Er, no," says Pillock's boss, nobody's fool but his own, "that's just the same gameplay mechanic in pretentious arty bullshit-o-vision."
"Oh, right! I misunderstood you at first," replies Pillock. "There's also some Prince of Persia-style platforming sections, but you know how in Prince of Persia it was always clear where you were supposed to go and what was a ledge and what wasn't? Well, I think we should do the exact opposite of that and occasionally plunge important platforms in total darkness so you have to make leaps of faith like it's The Last Crusade."
"That sounds good," says Pillock's boss. "Actually, no, that sounds awful. And why is your head bandaged?"
"Also," continues Pillock, "every now and again, during a cutscene, a button will flash up and if you don't press it fast enough you have to start the cutscene all over again because of global flobal wobbly bits."
"Those are called Quick-Time Events," says Pillock's boss with increasing concern, "and they're the worst idea in the world."
"I know it's the best idea in the world!" says Pillock. "So I'm just going to make a load of those instead of boss fights, and the final climactic level will just be an extra-long sequence of them because trying to be creative makes blood come out of my nose."
"I'd better go now," says Pillock's boss, making motions towards the exit and eventually a phone to call the police.
"Wait!" yells Pillock, banging his head against the desk for attention. "What about special challenge modes where you have to get around a training course in a certain time?"
"That's actually not a bad idea," says his boss, stopping at the door.
"I know!" says Pillock. "That's why I'm going to occasionally force the player to complete one during Story Mode for no apparent reason except to appease the octopus that lives in my head."
Then Pillock's boss goes away and throws himself in front of a train, although it was stopping at the station so he pretty much just makes a fool of himself.
- "global wobal wobbity bits"
- His Take That! of Rule of Cool gunplay:The gunplay is based around Rubi's ability to automatically shoot one enemy while manually aiming with the other gun, which is an effective gameplay mechanic, but it only works when she's leaping through the air or wallrunning or sliding along the ground like she's being carried along by an army of beetles. And at all other times she forgets that she's holding more than one gun, so apparently she's got an air-cooled brain. It's most reminiscent of Stranglehold, and has the same problem that game had. Yes, it's kind of thrilling when Inspector Tequila (depicted as an actual bottle of tequila) dives sideways in slow motion shooting dual pistols while doves fly out of his ass, but when he does it 50 times in a row you start to wonder if he has some kind of inner ear-disabling, dove-shitting medical disorder. (Tequila is depicted sitting on the examination table in a doctor's office; he farts and a dove files out of his ass)
Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
- A dog randomly gets rocketed out of his DS.
- Not entirely random—just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to a horrible mental image as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible.
- One presumes the dog's name would be Spot.
- Not entirely random—just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to a horrible mental image as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible.
- "...unless you're some kind of recently unfrozen neanderthal and this is your first experience with electronic media, in which case: RARRGH! Submit your soul to the one-eyed demon!"
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
- Yahtzee continues to characterize Nathan Drake as a racist sociopath who hides behind a personable mask:Drake is generically handsome beneath his strategically placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble, supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded gibbon arm-flailing jumping technique, and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacements in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria, although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game he has now moved on to non-American whites.
- This comment on the unlockable "No Gravity" mode:
Dragon Age: Origins
- "I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans aren't the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right."
- "HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."
- He compliments the game for returning to the traditional fantasy class choice of Fighter, Mage, Thief when other games try to appear new by having classes named things like "Peacekiller," "Shadowhumper," and "Gerop't'kov," so the player needs "a fucking glossary on hand."
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
- Yahtzee summing up the controversial "No Russian" level:So in case you don't already know (and statistically that means you live on one of the moons of Jupiter), an early mission in the game has you join a small group of Russian terrorists gunning down unarmed civilians in Moscow airport, but it's okay because A) you're really an undercover CIA agent and B) you don't actually have to kill anyone; you can hang back and pretend your arthritis is flaring up, and C) they're Russian civilians and who gives a shit about them?
- The last point is illustrated by the frontpage of a newspaper called "Western News" with the headline "Some Foreigners Get Killed Somewhere" and the byline "Sucks To Be Them".
- The commentary of the Serial Escalation the game does when it comes to the story:"Unimpressed by our controversy, are you?" says Infinity Ward. "Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!" Remember how, in my H.A.W.X. review, I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PM Cs that no one cares about offending? Well, MW 2 skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe.
Assassins Creed II
- The episode starts with Yahtzee's mangling of a saying familiar to Europeans (and Hetalia fans):[...] In heaven the food is Italian, the police are British, the platformers are French, the shooters are Croatian, and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation. In hell the food is British, the shooters are Canadian, and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers.
- Yahtzee's recap of the events of the first Assassin's Creed:It recounted the adventures of Desmond the future-y man and favorite candidate for the blandest sentient lifeform in the universe competition as he uncovered a global conspiracy by diving into the racial memories of Altair, the Medieval pasty man, an Assassin with the ability to turn completely invisible when sitting on benches looking serious, hampered since birth with a unique genetic deformity that makes him water-soluble.
- The game's fast-travel system, here depicted as Ezio being shot out of a cannon.
- "Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas, haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday."
- "... That's summer holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."
Awards for 2009
- "The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die";[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] —so instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson; a South Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old fuck!
- When complaining about Wangsty, testosterone-poisoned protagonists:If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!"
- The whole beginning of the review as well:
- And while we're at it, the part we're he reveals Darksiders shameless rip-off of The Legend of Zelda:I don't think [borrowing from Legend of Zelda]'s the case, thought. To say Darksiders "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking Borg collective"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: A gun that opens blue and orange portals!'' ... Outstanding.
- "...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, and then never fucking stopped. [...] What War looks like is a fucking coral reef on legs."
- "Here are the combos you will need to know to master Darksiders: the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')."
- His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of the game in question and, get this, Pac-Man.Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you— AUGH!
- Speaking of Bayonetta, his British 'immunity' to her.Fortunately, being English, and therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me, I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and Bayonetta looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes.
- The series of Freudian slips the make a lie of that last comment.
- The 'Inspiration-o-meter'.
- The bloody jetpack-related deaths of Yahtzee are so Bloody Hilarious (no pun intended).
- Dark Void is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or willnote , or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Godzilla."
- "Dark Void started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy."
- Describing Borderlands as an "FPS RPG (OMG)".
- Yahtzee's depiction of a USB glove controller for MMORPG fans, where you get one experience point every time you punch yourself in the face.
- Referring to the game's setting as "Pandora-no-not-that-one".
- "Interface 101: the less clicks, the better." (Shoots a dolphin)
Mass Effect 2
- The resource harvesting: "Which is as interesting as it sounds, and it sounds like this: BWUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..."
- The description of "the BioWare face" problem has to be seen:Hello Commander Shepard (wave-hand), I heard you might show up today (nod-head), how 'bout those freaky aliens, eh? (shake-fist, grr-grr, slightly racist undercurrent)Shepard's response: (Paragon) You should learn to respect other cultures. (Renegade) RAAR! SHEPARD SMASH!!!
- The description of "the BioWare face" problem has to be seen:
- Preceded by BioWare no longer scoring points for writing.
- On the games Viral Marketing:"[...]I'd rather go to the hell for the wrathful than the hell for people who work in the EA marketing department, which I'm pretty sure is the EA marketing department."
- Yahtzee refers to the Karma Meter system in terms of renegading or paragoning lost souls for either meter, and later on comments on the pointlessness of it all:"So what's the point of having two different experience levels?" you ask. "Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night," I say. "Why's that?" you ask. "IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!"
- "Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his above comments about how playing as a Big Daddy is a bit like "making a sequel to Half-Life where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls.
- Yahtzee talks about the convoluted story:Your quest [Big Daddy reads a "to do" list] is to rescue your Little Sister, now just a plain old Normal-Sized Sister, who can communicate with you and the other Little Sisters telepathically, [portrayed by the imps with pink bows] a plot point that kind of hopes to slip by unnoticed but which you then grab and pull back by one of its dangling threads. [while he speaks, an imp walks along before Yahtzee strings it up] How can she do this? Is this because of ADAM, or did she just wish upon a star? Oh, it's for convenience, I see. [as he speaks, the spirit of the Little Sister holds up a sign that says, "Save my fat ass", before a spiritual Vaudeville Hook yanks her away] Anyway, your psychic hotline friend is to be the victim of a procedure that will combine all the great minds of Rapture into one person, and how the fuck does that work? Wouldn't her head need to be about six foot across? [cue the Little Sister's giant head] I think ADAM has become the equivalent of the Force in Star Wars, all-purpose cavity plot insulation.
- "Instead of playing Pipe Dream for half-an-hour at every turn, you do a pseudo-quicktime event for a few seconds instead, ["Press X for Staff Discount"] and apparently the universe is about to explode, because the quicktime events have actually improved the game." [cue the Yahtzee avatar head exploding]
Aliens vs. Predator
- The opening of the review:Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants.
- Also, his description of the Alien formula:Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: "Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough"
- Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator:It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES).
- Yahtzee's frustration at the humans' seeming ignorance of what a Predator is despite numerous previous encounters has him wondering why none of the other survivors didn't at least mention it on their LiveJournal. This is illustrated with a man with Predator claws stuck in his skull, sitting at a computer and typing, "Dear Diary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".
Battlefield: Bad Company 2
- He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it.
- His description of the game also warrants a mention: "Modern Warfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead"
- I mentioned dust earlier, and Im going to mention it again. Dust!
Final Fantasy XIII
- "As a highly respected and successful game criticSHUT UP, I AM!"
- Yahtzee's criticism of the main character:Anyway, after a brief fight — which being in control of would have been nice — the gameplay begins. And the game starts as it means to go on by making you run down a linear corridor. This may be a weird thing to pick up on, but the main character's footstep noises are very, very loud. [with a "clop clop clop"] It's like someone's running along just out of shot banging coconuts together. I wonder if I'll stop noticing it over time.
[Hour 2: By then the small "clop clop clops" become the big "CLOP CLOP CLOPS"]
[Yahtzee's avatar looks at a card] Nnnnnnope!
- "So far, I've established that the two lead-ish characters are named Lightning and Snow, which are both things that could ruin a picnic. There's also another guy called Hope, as in, 'I Hope we can get these sandwiches back in the car before any Snow or Lightning happens.'"
"It seems we're already assembling the usual Final Fantasy character archetype pick-and-mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and, of course, the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention, because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context. It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something."
- Followed by the Spice Girls names for the protagonists:
- "This Hope guy has been established from the start as a whiny, weak, inept, cowardly, socially retarded mummy's boy, so presumably, he's the character most of the audience are meant to project onto."
- "I know what you're gonna say: 'Yahtzee, please take your dick out of my eye socket!"
- "...there's a paradigm system that lets you change the AI behavior in battle, but I still feel my grip on events is rather loose, and it all feels about as involving as Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots." [imp punches one black FFXIII character like a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot]
- "If this were Modern Warfare, I'd have curb-checked every terrorist in the free world by now."
- "I checked and yep, theres already erotic fanart of the FF13 characters"
Just Cause 2
- "A game name like Just Cause is absolute gold for the reviewer, since it can mean both "(a) just cause", a righteous agenda, or the phrase "just (be)cause", a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior." Cue the imp using a flamethrower to torch the cake.
- "Next week on "How to Be a Video Games Journalist," digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ballpoint pen."
- Yahtzee uses a lot of Cute Kittens through the episode, especially in the credits. Hilarity Ensues.
- "Asking players to go into a sandbox game and cause chaos and destruction is like asking a cat to lie on somebody's face while they're trying to sleep."
- "You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up, so the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. It's just that the rest of the Twix has been chewed up a bit and gobbed back onto the plate, [imp chews up the Twix then barfs it onto the plate like that] 'cause the actual missions are rather slapdash." [cute the game clutching the "mission" labels and running around shouting the Cluster S-Bomb The worst part of the game is the stronghold missions, which are required to unlock more territory, because they're all as routine as brushing your teeth: break into a base, 2, 3, give everyone a bullet pasty, 3, 4, shoot down a helicopter and bam! Let the Kentucky Fried Revolution open for business. Applaudable in a way; making wanton destruction boring takes some real effort. [Yahtzee falls asleep as the TV explodes]
- "...since the chopper pilot sounds like a freshly lobotomized Yosemite Sam, I'm ready to stuff my herniated eardrums down the voice actor's throat."
- "Some might say that's enough. Some might say I'm too hard to please. But some can shut their fucking mouths." Accompanied by the heckling Imps being chased by a tiger.
- In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character Rico as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. He might not be too far off the mark.
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
- "Shuttered Mammaries is technically a remake of Silent Hill, in the same way a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay." With animation of a dog tugging on a long black bar protruding from Yahtzee's crotch with the word "YUM" written on it while Yahtzee stands there doing nothing except for widening his eyes, the dog finally separating it from his body and walking away with it leaving a trail of blood, and Yahtzee staring after the dog with a big heart floating over his head.
- Shuttered Mammaries gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yahtzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides trying hard to ignore the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[Beat] ...moving on..."
- "And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, shit's gettin' real!"
- His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK".
Splinter Cell: Conviction
- The critique of the Idiot Plot and how the villains are Too Dumb to Live.Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, "Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. Fuck that, let's go shoot at him!"
- "Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent."
- "The other members of your party are an angsty leprechaun version of Jack Skellington, and an angsty lady, whose angst apparently stems from a question mark hanging over the whole 'lady' thing, or should i say, hanging under."
Dead to Rights: Retribution
- "In case you never played the first game here's a Dead To Rights Recap: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!"
- "Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable."
- About the Protagonist:
- About the takedowns:You slap around the enemy enough and he'll get disoriented. Press a button and both he and Jack you'll get transported to a little pocket dimension where pain is God, and Jack Slate is pope!
- And the conclusion:I even have a good name for a sequel. Dead to Rights: Really. Really, really, really... really, really, really... Dumb.
Monster Hunter Tri
- Yahtzee doesn't get most JRPGs. Not the sex games though. Those he understands. Even the visual novels.
- The proper title for Monster Hunter Tri:But I guess calling it "Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"... oh fuck it, let's just call it: "You Bastard!".
- "You can play the game with the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the same way you can technically compete in a fencing competition using only your erect penis." (complete with the image of a guy's "DADDY" cut off by said fencing opponent.)
- Yahtzee pointing out that the game has such a boner for the works of Stephen King that literally the first words the narrator says when you start the game are "Stephen King."
- Alan Wake has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch reading "GENTLE BEN!"
Red Dead Redemption
- Yahtzee goes on a rant about how all the vehicles in GTA IV handling like complete ass, culminating in:"All right then, motherfucker," says Rockstar. "Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorised vehicles at all. Are you happy now?" To which I reply, "my horse appears to be lodged in a wall."
- Turns into a Brick Joke at the end:In summary, Red Dead Redemption is a beautiful looking, beautifully written, beautifully atmospheric timesink. And if a timesink is all you want, then Christmas has come early... on a glitchy horse that's stuck in a wall." [imp arrives on a buggy horse dressed as Santa Claus]
- Turns into a Brick Joke at the end:
- "The lion's share of the game is spent watching a horse's arse bob up and down through an empty wilderness like a big, hairy apple on a string, as the prairie isn't as densely populated as Liberty City. Not with humans, anyway. [a guy holds a sign that says "I will suck your dick" while a tumbleweed blows off in the breeze and a roaring tiger comes up behind him] And let me vent how frustrating it was when I stopped to hunt some pigs after riding for an hour from the last save point, [horse does an Eye Take and says "Jesus Christ!" the entire time] only to be blind-sided and insta-killed by a mountain lion who mistook me for a small, antlerless moose in a duster coat.
- Yahtzee complains about the buggy controls:I hate action games where you have to hold down a button to run, [game says, "Harder, you pussy!"] because there's no such thing as a casual firefight, where you're free to mosey nonchalantly into cover. But when you also have to tap the button to sprint, I think that's just deliberately trying to upset me. It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six-inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side. It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle or (more appropriately) drunk. And when your character is drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint... fired into their face with a shotgun. [TV says, "Press X to have a cocksucking cowboy."]
- "The horse physics aren't much better. Most missions have you riding side-by-side with another character, and the trails are so narrow I swear those guys [depicted by an imp] are trying to run me off the road, all the while blithely chatting about humanist philosophy."
- "And horseback chases lack the intensity of car chases, when the maximum speed wouldn't startle a nervous fawn (which is, incidentally, about the most hazardous thing that might get in your way)." [cue John running over an Eye Take fawn]
- "Sometimes NPCs will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of his country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain."
- The list of things Yahtzee calls the game: Grand Theft Horse IV, Brown Alive Redemption, Blue Poo Atonement, Green Spleen Submarine, and Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
- Thornton being "The Ponciest little Ponce that ever ponced past the Poncing Parlor".
- The whole bit with the trousers.
- The visuals depicting Alpha Protocol's "incomprehensible miasma" of a plot.
Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands
- Yahtzee claims the Prince of Persia film is shit despite intending to never see it.You should never be too proud to pre-judge, as my prosecutor used to say. (shot of Yahtzee in court, covered in blood and holding a sign that says "I love murdering people")
- Yahtzee points out how a film and video game of the same franchise being released so close to each other looks suspicious when both are trying not to look like each other.Forgotten Sands seems to be consciously trying not to look like something that was rushed out to capitalize on the film. Which is a shame, because it totally does. And it totally was.
E 3 2010
- The prediction about what Microsoft's Kinect might turn out like:So everything will be fine until a wasp gets in the room, and then your character will promptly throw all their grenades away and pummel a chair!
Super Mario Galaxy 2
- About the standard Mario Excuse Plot setup:[...] the plot of many Mario games can be enlivened somewhat by assuming that "cake" is the Mushroom Kingdom word for "sex"; The Princess invites Mario over for some... cake, but Bowser kidnaps her so she can make some... cake for him instead, only now he's five hundred feet tall and emperor of the universe, so she'd better make sure her "cake" is spread quite wide.
- "See people, this is why we need to introduce a constitutional monarchy! Wark wark!"
- The text adventure bit.You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space.
>DIE OF ASPHYXIATION
You can't do that (somehow).
You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium.
- "And naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire. If all the history after 1955 gets changed, then why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that: someone left a note. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around 'Big Hank'."
- "Crackdown 2 seems to subscribe to the school of thought that having a multiplayer focus lets you skimp on content (see also Lost Planet 2 and that horrible Unreal Tournament/Quake 3 Arena period in shooters that Half-Life thankfully rescued us from). To go back to this analogy, having a Jacuzzi by yourself is nice, if a bit indulgent, but add more people and now you're sharing everyone's filth and have to be careful you don't put your hand on anyone's dick."
- The bit about the online multiplayer: "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum."
DeathSpank & Limbo
- Yahtzee begins by making a Mad Libs Dialogue version of 1 Timothy 6:10:They say that money is the root of all evilnote , but somehow I doubt Mrs. Hitler was being impregnated by a roll of Deutsche Marks. The saying works better if you replace "money" with "rich businessmen in tight suits who won't even put twenty cents in a gumball machine if they can't expect a return of investment" and "evil" with "bland, samey action-adventure clones kneeling on the bed of a dried-up watering hole licking the dirt for moisture." (And "is" with "are," if we want to be grammatically correct.)
- "'DeathSpank is that particular breed of parody that basically just does all the same things as the kind of thing it's parodying, but occasionally points to itself and goes: "Hey, everybody, look!" (Then the Wayans brothers make a parody of that full of bodily fluids and pop culture references, and the collective IQ of the general public drops another precious notch.)"note
- When Yatzee reviews Limbo, the background goes Deliberately Monochrome and the characters are shadows, while it's getting fun to see the same characters get decapitated.
- The ending:The final question, I suppose, is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronise the arts now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of Limbo. But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy brand kind of entertainment,note then order out for a barbecue meat lover's with a two-liter coke and try DeathSpank. Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something bland and unchallenging, then why not try eating a dick!
- In the credits, the big-headed kid sees a trap door and hops over it, only to accidentally hit a skull-and-crossbones sign that acts as a lever that drops a big iron weight to squish him.
- "Split Stroke Second Colon Velocity"
- About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio."
- "And I think if you're that rich, you're beyond needing video-games for entertainment. You probably get your jollies by buying two poverty-stricken pregnant women, and telling them that neither of them are getting out of the arena alive until one has eaten the other's fetus.
Transformers: War For Cybertron
- At the end:There, you may now e-mail me to explain in close detail how the death of Optimus Prime was your generation's Othello.
Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days
- On the game's cameraman: "And when you try sprinting, Christ! It's like his kneecaps have been replaced with slinkies!"
- The accompanying illustrations depicting an In-Universe Camera man named "Brian" who eagerly runs around behind the titular duo, and Kane telling Lynch to "Just pretend that he's not here."
- "...after playing for the four or five hours necessary to complete it, [TV says, "Press Sta-" before the scene cuts to the TV throwing out confetti and saying "Well done"] it gave me a headache like I'd been skullfucked with Pinocchio's splintery todger."
- Yahtzee explains the reason the game sucks:Why? Because it's boring, it's overdone and I feel sorry for the artists. [Yahtzee sleeps on top of the "W" for the giant "WHY?", followed by three sleeping imps, and then a sad artist in a beret]
- "In all fairness, Kane & Lynch 2 does occasionally pretend to be a stealth game, the kind of stealth game where every enemy on the map becomes alerted to your exact position the moment one guard [portrayed by an officer imp] spots half an inch of your pimply bum. You know, the shit kind of stealth game. At all other times, it's got nothing but same old cover-based shooting and technically doesn't even have that. I thought the prerequisite of cover combat is that when you're in cover the enemy can't shoot you, but Kane and Lynch beg to differ. You think they'd be better at tucking their heads in, what with all the time they spend sniffing their own farts."
- Yahtzee's take on the story:Kane and Lynch, gritty realism's answer to Laurel and Hardy (if Laurel occasionally forgot to take his meds and shot the hostages), are in Shanghai for an arms deal and while idly passing the time shooting some locals (in a very gritty, realistic way) accidentally kill someone they shouldn't have [they see a dead imp they accidentally shot] and provoke the most powerful man in China. [portrayed by an imp wearing a crown and riding on a Chinese dragon that spits out fire on the duo, making them run in fright] Ho ho, will those bumbling ninnies ever do anything right?
- "From there, the plot is like a recent car accident victim: staggering back and forth with bits of windscreen in its face for a while before finally collapsing and bleeding out into a roadside ditch. Kane and Lynch fight off various flavours of heavy, then more show up, [a lot of imps show up in cluster form] then they swear at each other, then the camera man takes another pull of cheap whiskey, repeat."
- His remark at the very end of the review was also incredibly funny, especially when you start to hear his voice develop a rather serious growl to it, like Yahtzee was slipping out of his ZP persona and delivering a criticism of the game out-of-character while at the same time sounding like he was shouting the line.Kane and Lynch 2 sucks so many dicks that it now breathes spunk instead of air!!
- "We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a knobbing, but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe as big as his entire body and jabs it into his eye.
- "They were going to call it Quest for the Sausage Fountain, but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."
- Every mention of "fast whores" is accompanied by a female imp flying about at high speed.
- The various comparisons of the gameplay to a boring office jobs, such as "filing bullets under faces".
Metroid: Other M
- While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball, or, as it's sometimes known, BOING!"
- "Of the many expressionless drones Robo-Samus excretes from her mouthpipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed!" [imp falls asleep from her drone]
- Also from that review, his hilariously accurate impersonation of Samus' monotone voice and constant tendency to state the bleeding obvious.Samus: (in a monotone voice) From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something.
Adam: WILL YOU FUCKING EMOTE?!
BRIAN BLESSED: NNNIIIIINE
- And his suggestion that they get BRIAN BLESSED to voice Samus... and how that still wouldn't work because the writing in general is agonizingly awful, a point he demonstrated by comparing it to someone in an old folks' home doing the monthly stocktake of their inventory of oatmeal... and then getting BRIAN BLESSED to do that.
- Yahtzee imagines the names and personalities of the Galactic Federation 07th Platoon:Bob: Eats chips
Jim: Has teddy
Ed: Wanks daily
Mel: Big ears
Ron: Secret gay
Zebedee: Nice ears
- "So do you want to know who the traitor turned out to be? So the fuck would I! 'Cause the game kinda forgets about this whole sub-plot and hopes you do too."
- On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character actually is the most likely one to be The Mole.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent
- The 3 types of horror games:You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First, there's the kind where you're in a dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going "abloogy woogy woo" — that would be your Doom 3. Then there's the kind where the guy in the spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's going to go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't want to turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye - that would be your Silent Hill 2. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes "abloogy woogy woo" while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room before walking slowly over to you plucking a violin and then slapping you in the face with a t-bone steak — that would be your Dead Space.
- The enemies from Dead Space:[The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike Dead Space, where all the monsters [depicted by imps] are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time.
- His description of his thought process during his first scary moment:Dum-de-dum. Well, this isn't very scary. Oh, look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either. I'll just go back and— whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around and— WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? WHAAAA! RUN, RUN, RUN! I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP! OH, PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!
- Also, this gem:The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have amnesia, that old video game storytelling chestnut. [Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart.] If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be kleptomania. [Yahtzee makes off with the bed.]
- Regarding the sanity meter, depicted by the boring face guy on one end and the same boring face guy painted up like The Joker on the other:[Amnesia: The Dark Decent] implements a sanity meter, as if sanity is like diesel oil or something and you can get a reading on it by sticking a dipstick in your ear. And as so often the case, the main effect of losing your sanity is that the screen goes all blurry and weird, as if the first thing anyone does when they go insane is lose their contact lenses. Hanging around in the scary darkness depletes sanity because apparently we're five years old, but staying in the light makes it easier for monsters to see you, creating a toss-up between not getting a headache from wibbly-wobbly camera filters and not being murdered. [imp bites Yahtzee on the head]
- "Amnesia understands that a monster stays scary the less you see of it, so if you ever hang around long enough to get a good look at the ugly Cenobite rejects, then your face will be torn off and repurposed as a tea cozy before you can say 'Cthulhu fhtagn.'"
- CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
- Another one:I wouldn't say it's a great game. The level design reflects its independent origins; it's really just a sequence of small environments with little connectivity, each with one or two self-contained, simplistic puzzles. Yeah yeah, wander around a corridor maze, find puzzle item, use on puzzle, unlock door to next area, get devoured by cosmic monstrosity. Blah de blah.
- He closes it out by calling the game a good constipation aid.
- "The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit hot?"
- Yahtzee's opening rant about Halo's lack of seat belts.
- "This might sound a bit weird, but 'hoerdy goerdy bobbley boo.'"
Dead Rising 2
- Just as before, you have a certain amount of time to kill before rescue, with timed events occurring at fixed points, and I had to restart the game at one point because the time limit on a critical boss encounter ran out while I has halfway through the fucking thing. [timer says, "YOU FU:CK:ED UP" while Yahtzee is being chased by an imp with a chainsaw] How the hell did the boss make their escape while I was watching them wind my lower intestines around a candyfloss machine, Dead Rising 2?"
- Yahtzee also says that the dodge roll he had gained through his second attempt "would have been nice about three hours ago when the giant pink chainsaw was sliding bloodily in and out of my newly-created chest vagina." [while he's speaking, an imp impales the Yahtzee avatr with the chainsaw]
- About Yahtzee's time with the survivors:...from a certain point onwards a surprising number of survivors refuse to follow you until you pay them money. Oh, okay, I'll just leave you inside that zombie's mouth for an hour or two while I go find an ATM. Sorry, survivor, I forgot: did you say you wanted money or to be punched in the face with flaming boxing gloves? Because those I've got.
- The conclusion:Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover a similar taste in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [said date being Yahtzee driving around in a car with his Wholesome Crossdresser date standing on top of the back seat and getting ready to chainsaw an imp going "WOOOOOOOO"]
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
- "...wondering if one could improve every Castlevania game by replacing Dracula with the Count from Sesame Street, though probably not Symphony of the Night because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht"
- The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:ONE miserable little secret! TWO miserable little secrets! A PILE of miserable little secrets! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
- The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:
- "Who the fuck rips off Shadow of the Colossus? That's like cock-slapping the Mona Lisa!"
Enslaved: Odyssey to the West
Fallout: New Vegas
- Yahtzee deciding to roleplay his experience of the game with this review, complete with the sassy 50's jazz music playing in each interlude between the days spent in the game world.
- Yahtzee: "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left.
- Yahtzee: "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
- His descriptions of his misadventures in the Mojave.So after loading myself down with other people's packed lunches, I set off on the North road with a song in my heart, and was immediately eaten by giant killer flies.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
- Yahtzee comments on the new Starkiller:Now, Luke Skywalker could have whined for his country, and his dad went at it like there was a vice permanently attached to his bollocks, but Starkiller wears an emo fringe that reaches to his knees. All he cares about is getting back together with his love interest. [with the same long emo fringe covering a part of her boob and a heart forms between the two] And forgive me if I'm unsympathetic, [Yahtzee arrives with a flamethrower to torch the love interest's hair] but if Christensen and Portman had a chemistry like two chairs stacked together, then Starkiller and Whatsherface were like a picture of two chairs stacked together, crudely drawn on butcher paper with a bit of partially dried poo. [by an imp, no less!]
- "So, here are all the ways you can kill people in this game like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex: You can hit them with a lightsaber, if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; [imp drifts off to sleep] you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, then throw whatever mess remains at their mates; and you can Jedi mind trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is, incidentally, hilarious."
- "You might think this all sounds kind of fun, in a slightly psychotic kind of way, [guy goes to Yahtzee holding the word "fun", before the scene cuts to the same guy, now bloodied and lifeless, killed by the word "fun"] and it is. But the game handles its fun elements like a gazelle handles the fine china." [game picks up the word "fun" then throws it onto the floor, shattering it]
- About the combat system:The combat does get fun when you have to divide your attention between larger groups, mind tricking an elite trooper with one hand and force pushing a lamppost up someone's butthole with other, but the game doesn't often have the balls to throw enough simultaneous enemies at you to make it a really meaty challenge and more often than not descends into repetitive one-on-ones with a giant robot or one of his three or four slightly different mates. Gameplay protip: keep your distance and deflect its missiles back at it. "Which enemy is that a protip for, Yahtzee?" "Throw a fucking rock!" (That's also a good tactic.)
Call of Duty: Black Ops
- His impression of the game's frenzied pacing, akin to a nagging housewife.Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt! (smacks Yahtzee with a rolling pin)
- "Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of that helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty—OH BUGGER MY BREECHES that was uncalled for!"
- "Another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go PHWOAR!"
- The beginning and end of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Axis Powers Hetalia references in the comments section were unavoidable.
- Likewise, Yahtzee's analogy that all the "Modern Warfare"-esque shooters is a sign the United States craves a world war is on par with all the erotic fanfiction by a virgin nerd is a sign that they're trying to say "I Need To Get Laid".
- Pointing out how the term "Black Ops" carries a term of stealth, mystery, and deniability, whereas the game has so many explosions and shoot-em-ups that any stealth (let alone deniability) goes sailing out the window. Special points for explaining the Grand Finale mission:"What's that, Vladimir? No, no, our fleets of aircraft carriers were just in that particular bit of ocean for a volleyball tournament, and to take some photos for a navy recruitment booklet! No, I can't imagine how one of your battleships in the exact same area could've gotten riddled with bullets (although now I come to think about it, I do remember hearing what could have been minigun fire, but at the time I thought it was just somebody playing squash very, very enthusiastically)!"
- On the game Fruit Ninja: "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug, on trees and in pies."
- Early in his review, he laments that "so much of triple-A gaming these days is endless sequels, ripoffs and wank". The accompanying visuals give an example of a sequel (Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days), a ripoff (Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days) and some wank (Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days).
- Telling us what making a game for the iPhone involves versus what making a game for the Wii involves in terms of exactly how badly the developer gets violated, the accompanying visuals, and the first picture of Yahtzee back at his desk afterwards.
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
- "I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it".
- "Assassin's Creed: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
- Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of Assassin's Creed II), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for Desmond himself, but for the Ragtag Bunch of Misfits he's saddled up with, particularly sarcastic British guy Shaun. "Can't think why!"
- His entire rant on adulthood in the Splatterhouse review.Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just rubbing it in.
- At the beginning he goes into this Heroic BSoD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him.No, Goofy! I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
- Feeling the game tries too hard and yet not hard enough to be edgy, Yahtzee goes for broke and slaps Hitler's face onto Mickey's edgy magic paint brush.
- "And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!"
- Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, though he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands.
- "The 'center camera' button just flat-out refuses to work sometimes when it feels you don't appreciate it enough. And in 1st person mode you can't move, and when you spray paint it looks uncannily like Mickey is urinating a vibrant blue liquid."
Top 5 of 2010
- The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
- After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days:Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away.