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Warriors of Light/Light Warriors

    Group as a Whole 
Garland: And what kind of tactics do you tend to employ?
Fighter: Oh, we usually murder our way to the top and claim victory whilst astride a pile of mangled bodies.
Garland: I see...
Fighter: But we're heroes so it's okay when we do that.

The... "heroes" of the story, by virtue of the fact that they showed up to the recruiting station at the right time. Vary between stupid and evil (except for Fighter, who's always stupid), and usually solve their problems through sheer luck and/or excessive use of violence.

  • Amusing Injuries: All get hurt in various imaginative ways, rarely do the injuries last more than a panel.
  • And the Adventure Continues: For Black Mage and Fighter at least. The others had better things to do with their time than hang out with Black Mage. Or Fighter. Especially Fighter... but especially Black Mage.
  • Badass Crew: Fighter and Thief get to do badass things on a regular basis, but Black Mage and Red Mage have defeated multiple demigods.
  • Butt-Monkey: Black Mage generally has it the worst, but all of the Light Warriors get their share of abuse at various points.
  • Comic Trio: Red Mage is the one who makes crazy schemes, while Thief and/or Black Mage complain about his nonsense and Fighter just follows whatever plan is given to him.
  • Destructive Saviour: Initially. Later they drop the "saviours" part.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Between each other, no one else was able to horrify them by doing evil acts but themselves since Thief, Red Mage and Black Mage are horrible persons in their own way.
  • Fake Ultimate Hero: They actually aren't the Light Warriors. They just got to King Steve first and convinced him. As is explained eventually, when it comes to their alleged heroics, it's more that heroic deeds were done with them nearby.
  • Four-Man Band: Thief is the Only Sane Man (a kleptomaniac and greedy kind of sanity), Red Mage thinks he is The Smart Guy, Black Mage is The Pervert (mostly Blood Lust, except when White Mage is involved) and Fighter is the Butt-Monkey (particularly as everyone takes advantage of him being dumb enough to comply).
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: All of them except Fighter. For a certain value of heroic, of course.
  • His Name Really Is "Barkeep": "Black Mage", "Fighter" and "Red Mage" are in fact their actual names.
  • Light Is Not Good: Their official title is the "Light Warriors," but they are far from the noble saviors the name implies.
  • Meaningful Name: McWarrior, Evilwizardington, Statscowski. The only exception is Thief, whose last name is the name of his clan, i.e. Khee'bler. Though Thief's fake surname (since Thief isn't his real first name) might be Bastard.
  • Moral Myopia: Constantly. You did, uh, read the quote at the top of this section, right?
  • Nominal Hero: In-universe they are only considered heroes because King Steve appointed them to be the Light Warriors, and he only did so because they showed up first and tricked him into choosing them. Neither King Steve who appointed them nor Thief who became their leader cared much about the fate of the world they were supposed to save, as Thief explains in episode 336. As the story progresses it becomes increasingly obvious that the Light Warriors are the Villain Protagonists of the story.
  • No-Sell: Fighter's more or less immune to all damage besides brain trauma (and doesn't have much brain left to traumatize), Thief can dodge (and then sue) nearly anything, and Red Mage often gets out of horrific injury by "forgetting" to record the damage on his character sheet. The only Light Warrior who doesn't have an easy out is Black Mage, to the universe's unceasing delight.
  • Prestige Class: They all eventually get one of these. Black Mage becomes a Blue Mage, Red Mage becomes a Mimic, Fighter becomes a Knight, and Thief becomes a Ninja.
  • Ragtag Bunch of Misfits: And they never really grow out of it. They're at least as destructive to each other as to their enemies.
  • Seen It All: By the end of the comic, except for Fighter. Well, technically he'd seen it all too, but was too busy thinking about swords to really pay attention.
  • Static Character:
  • Stupid Evil: As ever, every member but Fighter (who's the other extreme). Black Mage is the most prolific offender, but Thief puts in work as well, being obsessed with stealing and deceit as an end unto itself. Red Mage also has his moments, though his evil tends to be in the name of whatever brain-damaged efficient method he's convinced himself will definitely work.
  • Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: And that's on the very rare occasions when they do work together at all. Most of the time they are closer to Divided We Fall.
  • True Companions: They're somewhere between a straight example and an inversion. Despite all the obstacles they face together, they all (with the exception of Fighter) absolutely hate each other. At the same time, they will grudgingly cooperate when they have to.
  • Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: With the possible exception of Fighter, the Light Warriors are completely unsympathetic, which is what allows their constant infighting and failures to be so damn funny.
  • Villain Protagonist: Early on in the story Black Mage kills a large number of old people in a nursing home, in the belief that one of them had conned Fighter out of his money. Things go downhill from there. When they do good it is purely by accident.

    Black Mage Evilwizardington 

"If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my dark gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby."

The most evil and depraved member of the Light Warriors. Also their dedicated Only Sane Man, blaster, and Butt-Monkey.

  • Abhorrent Admirer: Towards White Mage. His advocation of violence as the solution to all life problems, sleazy pickup lines, questionable personal hygiene, along with many other things, ensure that his twisted affections will never be reciprocated by White Mage.
  • Amazon Chaser: Towards Kary.
    Black Mage: Lady, if you weren't trying to kill me, and half made out of snake, I'd be on you like blood on my knife.
  • Ambidextrous Sprite: The crescent moon on his Blue Mage outfit.
  • Attractive Bent-Gender: Well, the Archer Captain thinks so. Squick.
  • Ax-Crazy: If he's not actively trying to destroy the world, he's stabbing his allies because they annoy him.
  • Black Mage: Well, duh, he's named after the Trope Namer.
  • Black Magic: All of his spells are offensive, but some are offensive in both senses of the word.
  • Blessed with Suck: He becomes this kind of character after his class change. At first he thought that Blue Magic grants its user the immunity to enemy attacks, as well as the ability to learn and use said attacks - so naturally, he was overjoyed after gaining Blue Magic. As he learned quickly (and painfully), it didn't grant him immunity to anything, and while he was able to learn attacks used against him, he had to survive them first. Plus, in the course of the series, he's learned only three spells through Blue Magic - one of which is the Goblin Punch, which has a mostly impractical range. The others include a spell specifically targeted at him, as he learns the hard way, while the third one rewrites reality according to Sarda's whim, which in practice also makes it targeted at him.
  • Blood Is the New Black: Happened to him a few times.
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: It's fairly easy to read him as this; over the course of the comics he's used the widest varieties of spells, displayed in-depth knowledge about magical theory (including magics he doesn't personally practice, such as ice and summoning) and history, and as mentioned elsewhere, so long as he's not particularly angry or close to White Mage, he's generally the smartest of the group. He just happens to be insanely lazy, commenting more than once that a battle would go their way if they all actually fought instead of just standing by to let Red Mage get mauled, and not acting on it because it's too much effort.
  • Broke Your Arm Punching Out Cthulhu: once fought off a deep one, a dinosaur, and a giant marmoset with nothing but his knife. He was certainly feeling it afterwards , though.
  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: When Sarda (rightfully) accuses him of slaughtering his parents, breaking his mind with a glimpse of his face, killing his foster family, killing his other foster family, and burning down his orphanage, Black Mage still can't seem to recall the exact set of events being referred to, and asks when he did it.
  • Butt-Monkey: To the point where the universe itself was created to hurt him.
  • Card-Carrying Villain: He makes no attempt to present himself as anything other than evil, makes absolutely no excuse for mass-murder and destruction, and he's damn well proud of it. Red Mage and Thief tend to be just blind to morality and ethical standards, but Black Mage can very easily see the moral dilemma of a problem, and he may even argue about the validity of it. ... Of course, he only identifies it so he can go in the completely opposite direction.
    • He loves evil so much that he fell for a trap that he knew was a trap just because the sign said the pie he'd be receiving would be evil.
    • How proud is BM of his own villainy? When given the chance to convince White Mage that he was really a nice guy worth dating who was just misunderstood all along, Black Mage told her his evil selfish reasons for feeling the way he did. Thus ruining any chances, he might have had with her, not that he's aware of that or anything.
  • Casanova Wannabe: Every time he talks to White Mage, he is either this or Dirty Old Man (minus the 'old' part, as he only went through puberty a year or so before the events of the comic).
  • Charm Person: Hypnovision.
  • The Chew Toy: And, frankly, he deserves it.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Not only does he betray the rest of the team when given a chance, but he also frequently stabs them in the back (or head) literally - especially Fighter.
  • Cosmic Plaything: The universe just loves gnawing on him. It's a Running Gag that nearly everything that exists does so to hurt him. In fact, this might be a genuine universal law, considering Sarda's hand in the beginning of the universe.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Occurs mostly when he is around Red Mage and Fighter for any period of time. And when he's not holding the Idiot Ball.
  • Even Evil Has Standards:
    • Even Black Mage thought that Thief's idea to impose fees for clouds was really sick.
    • He planned to create a whole new level of hell specifically as punishment for the things Red Mage did to chocobos.
    • And he felt unable to tell Fighter that he had gone to Hell instead of Heaven after Lich killed him.
      Black Mage: Even though I am the incarnation of all mortal evils, I just don't have the heart.
    • He has no compunctions about harming children and sacrificing them for power. But he draws the line at sacrificing them for no reason.
      White Mage: You... sacrificed... children. For power?
      Black Mage: Of course. If I'd sacrificed them for no reason I'd be a sicko or something.
    • He's left stunned by Red Mage's chimeric Chocobo, unable to say anything for four panels.
  • Evil Is Petty: In addition to being an Omnicidal Maniac, he is also the biggest Jerkass in the comic (with the possible exception of Sarda).
  • The Faceless: And for a good reason.
  • Fake Ultimate Hero: All of the Light Warriors qualify, but Black Mage really takes the cake, stabs the cake, urinates on whatever's left, poisons it, gives it to an orphanage, and then Hadokens said orphanage for good measure. A full list of his atrocities would probably double the size of this page. At least.
  • Fashion-Victim Villain: An In-Universe example: once he learns blue magic his ridiculous new outfit is mocked mercilessly by just about everyone, and his striped pantaloons cause many people to mistake him for some sort of clown.
  • Fat Bastard: While it's not obvious in his sprite (because it's, well, a sprite), commentary from other characters indicates that Black Mage is carrying around a bit of a spare tyre (Dragoon, for example, calls him "the little fat guy"). As for "bastard", well, that's pretty self-explanatory by this point.
  • For the Evulz: The reason for nearly everything he does in the series.
  • Freudian Excuse: Subverted. Technically he has one, in that the excessive amount of power that exists in his soul has driven him insane (confirmed in-universe)... but he realises this at one point, ignores it, and continues to go on to do so many evil things that there is literally no justification for what he's done.
  • Glass Cannon: He describes himself as one.
    • Squishy Wizard: Played with. Black Mage is tough enough to survive anything that can be thrown at him, although unlike his fellow Light Warriors, he's not tough enough to shrug off the pain of being hit/stabbed/crushed/whatever. He's also mocked by the other Light Warriorsnote  for being noodly and not having the physical strength to fight his way out of a paper bag, yet he is shown to be pretty capable of killing sea monsters with only his knife. The only reason he hangs with the light warriors is because he wants meat shield to avoid having to fight with alone and get himself hurt.
  • Glowing Eyes of Doom: To the point where they can give him away in the dark.
  • Hair-Trigger Temper:
  • Hell Has New Management:
    • He managed to briefly take over Hell after being killed by Lich, then came back to the land of the living to kill Lich. This eventually backfired on him, as Lich in turn took over Hell in his absence and then brought Black Mage back to life... thus demoting him from the position of the all-powerful Hell King back to that of the universe's favourite Chew Toy.
    • That said, after Lich manages to bar Black Mage from Hell by getting him stuck on the corporeal plane, a lot of very powerful Eldritch Abominations make sure to keep him out of hell (such that whenever he dies, a God of Evil sends him right back to the overworld). If Black Mage ever gets back there, which he is still conspiring to do, the universe wouldn't be around for much longer (or it would, but it wouldn't be a nice place to exist). Let's just say this: there is a reason why all the legions of Hell were terrified of him.
  • Heroes Want Redheads: His lust for White Mage, although calling Black Mage a "hero" is a bit of a stretch.
  • Hidden Depths: He has moments like these when the audience realizes he has a vast swamp of rather uncomfortable emotional turmoil. And he has moments like these. However, they often come on the heels of moments like these which clearly favor him for the post of anthropomorphic personification of all Evil. He's still a Jerk with a Heart of Jerk...Maybe. In one of the rare moment White Mage shows sympathy for him she concludes that he is too broken to ever redeem himself or change.
  • Hijacking Cthulhu: Black Mage absorbs FIVE Cthulhus. One of whom was himself.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: He's copied and used two of Sarda's spells. One of them is specifically targeted at him, and the other allows one to rewrite reality according to Sarda's whim (which in practice means it's also targeted at him).
  • Humanoid Abomination: There's something... wrong with whatever is under his hood. Sarda claims it is "the dread lattice of Black Magic."
  • Ignored Epiphany: Black Mage starts to wonder if White Mage is right and that perhaps maybe being good might give him purpose in life, only to get distracted and kill Fighter instead.
  • I Love the Dead: Once expressed willingness to have sex with White Mage's dead body, considering it only slightly less ideal than having sex with her while alive. He did have sex with the corpse of his own doppleganger.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy:
  • Iron Butt-Monkey: Probably takes more abuse than anyone else in the comic, but never suffers any permanent damage.
  • It's All About Me: After Sarda revives Fighter and Thief, who are justifiably mad that Black Mage just tried killing them, he doesn't choose the best method to try and talk himself out of their revenge.
    Black Mage: If you think about it, I'm the victim here.
    Thief: How?
    Black Mage: I didn't get what I wanted.
  • Jerkass: Of the Evil Is Petty variety. He'd destroy the world if given half a chance, but he'll also stab his allies in the head for irritating him or burn down an orphanage just because it's there.
  • Karma Houdini: Played with. See Butt-Monkey and Cosmic Plaything. There's the possibility that there isn't enough punishment in the universe to fit his crimes.
  • Knife Nut: Due to refusing to use any spell but his Hadoken, which he can only use once per day.
  • Laughably Evil: As horrible as he is, he's a prime source of Black Comedy.
  • Love Makes You Dumb: On a good day, he's smarter than Thief. Introduce anger or a proximity to White Mage, and his IQ and sanity will plummet so fast you'll swear you just witnessed it exceeding the speed of light.
  • Made of Evil: He is the closest thing to the Anthropomorphic Personification of Evil. In fact, when the Castle of Ordeals tries to find an adequate representation of his atrocities, Black Mage himself is the closest thing they can get out of all possible monsters. If he ever gets back down to Hell again, he will fit the bill of God of Evil.
  • Magic Knight: When the plot doesn't require him to be a Squishy Wizard, he can be quite competent in physical combat - to the point where it's hard to tell whether he killed more people with his Hadoken or with his knives. He even managed to kill a sea monster and at least one, possibly two groups of cultists with nothing but knives.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: "I appear to have come aflame."
  • Meta Guy: his cynicism to Fighter's Cloud Cuckoo Lander observations lean on the fourth wall.
  • Monster Clown: His Blue Mage suit gives him this look.
  • Murder Is the Best Solution:
  • Never Bareheaded: He actually does remove his hat once, but it's not shown on screen and the only person who sees it is driven mad from the sight.
  • Nice Hat: According to the epilogue it's huge too.
  • Nightmare Face: His face is supposedly non-Euclidean thanks to all that magic energy warping his body.
  • Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant: despite how much of a Deadpan Snarker he is, he doesn't realise how a lot of what he does or says immediately throws the minds of everyone around him into speculative horror territory. His face doesn't help.
  • Not So Harmless: Usually Black Mage is most threatening to his own person, with his teammates coming in at a distant second. But in the blessedly rare occurrence that his insanity, laziness, atrocious luck, and even worse aim don't take him out of a fight early, he steamrolls over nearly everything in front of him short of gods or Fiends.
  • Odd Couple: And no, not in that way (okay, mostly not that way...) with Fighter. No matter how many times he attempts to or successfully kills Fighter, they're still together, even three years after Chaos is defeated... probably so he can still make Fighter suffer, but it never works out that way.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: He's not very discriminant with who he murders. Or brutally maims. He has a list of all the people he wants to kill, with only two entries. Those entries are "Everyone I know" and "Everyone I don't know".
    • The only person he doesn't want to kill is White Mage. Though if she did die (like say, from drinking "wine" that's actually paint thinner), he wouldn't be too upset, since the body would still be warm for a while at least. Ironically, he actually does end up impaling her on one of his evil tendril spike things, though she gets better.
  • Only Sane Man: When he's not killing everyone in sight or carrying the Idiot Ball, he frequently finds himself in this role.
  • Person of Mass Destruction: His Hadoken is almost literally a nuke. If it wasn't from his fleshy body needing rest and blood he'll be unstoppable.
  • Pet the Dog:
    • Comic 486 is the only time he ever shows anything remotely resembling compassion, and it's never brought up again.
    • After coming back from Hell and killing Lich, he couldn't bring himself to disillusion Fighter who believed he came back from Heaven. This being Black Mage, to say it's a sign of compassion would be saying too much, but still...
  • The Pig-Pen: Acknowledged by everyone but the man himself. He insists that the smell is from his spell components.
  • Ping-Pong Naïveté: He can be the smartest of the Light Warriors, barely smarter than Fighter (if not dumber than Fighter) or somewhere in between, depending on what makes for a better joke at the moment. In particular, his intelligence seems to rapidly decrease the closer White Mage is to him.
  • The Plan: A cunning one he set up at the Citadel of Ordeals, where he knew he would have to "face his flaws"; as per the typical physical manifestation of fantasy metaphors, he would therefore have to kill off his evil side. Considering that there was no way in hell he was going to get rid of all of his evil, he managed to rig the situation so that after killing his evil side, he would re-inherit all the evil. It's a real pity that he has never attributed so much forethought to plans that could in anyway benefit the world. Not that he'd ever want to benefit the world.
  • Played for Laughs: His numerous atrocities.
  • Power at a Price: His own power seems to come at the price of his sanity and morality. However, he isn't opposed to using other people's lives or sanity to get access to more power. Remember how he got the Hadoken?
  • Power Limiter: Without a weak fleshy body holding him back, he becomes powerful enough to take over Hell.
  • The Power of Love: Parodied; his Hadoken is powered by love. And by powered, we mean it uses it as a fuel: every time he casts it the amount of love in the universe decreases, and the divorce rate increases.
  • Psycho for Hire: as long as you can point him in the right direction and get out of the disaster zone, you can invade and destroy an entire country single-handedly. As Thief found out with the poor Dwarf nation.
  • Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: One way he shocked both Thief and Red Mage is that he has no problem raping White Mage or her corpse if she dies from his "wine" bottle. He also wished he could find a way to rape a pillage with one hand as a celebration of supposedly being rid of the Light Warriors.
  • Redemption Equals Sex: Discussed. He strongly suggests to White Mage that this might work on him but then fears that pillow talk might be involved.
  • Robe and Wizard Hat: As per the standard Final Fantasy sprite.
  • Sanity Slippage: goes up and down the insane slope like a yo-yo. The way it works is this: if he's (relatively) sane, he will be savvy, smarter than Thief, and generally the level of violence will be restricted to a comparative minimum (or at the very least will be efficient); if he's gone down the insane slope, his IQ will reduce massively, he will lose all ability to reason, and carnage will ensue. Lots of carnage. With blood.
  • Sarcasm-Blind: Despite tending to be the one to comment on the stupidity of what's occuring the most, he tends to have his fair share of moments where he blatantly misses the point.
  • Sarcasm Failure: A lot of Black Mage's sarcasm is all but lost (much to to his frustration) 100% of the time on Fighter (who either cannot understand it or is Obfuscating Stupidity to infuriate Black Mage), and 75% of the time on Red Mage (who has a habit of Completely Missing the Point).
  • Self-Made Orphan: "I wouldn't refer to any person of my family in the present tense..."
  • Small Name, Big Ego: He thinks highly about himself despite being repulsive and fragile.
  • Starfish Language: A purported spell for reading a book for hours at a time.
  • The Starscream: Probably one of the only instances where one of the heroes is trying to replace the Big Bad. Okay, so maybe "hero" is a bad description..
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: Does this all the time, particularly when talking to city guards trying to find him.
  • Terrible Artist: It seems that he can't draw very well.
  • Token Evil Teammate: While the other Light Warriors aren't angels themselves, Black Mage is actively trying to be as evil as possible, and is quite proud of it, too. He's also the only that will freely admit to being evil.
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Pie.
  • Unskilled, but Strong: Of the magic variety. While having enough power to single-handedly raze towns (even without the Hadouken) his terrible aim, overreliance on the Hadouken, and inability to choose practicality over destruction really hold back his capabilities as a mage.
  • Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: While already listed as a trait for the entire group, Black Mage gets a special mention for being one of the least sympathetic characters ever conceived, and suffering the most for it.
  • Villain Protagonist: More than any of the others. He's only an adventurer because of the opportunities for destruction it offers.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: With Fighter. Or, rather, Fighter is this with him. Black Mage wants nothing to do with Fighter.
  • Walking Wasteland: The evil "mindless destruction is fun" kind. Sometimes it'll be limited to just stabbing someone repeatedly until they die. Sometimes he's a Walking Disaster Area and bad things just continuously happen in his vicinity (usually to him). Sometimes, he'll just Hadoken something that annoys him a lot. In any case, his violence is usually indiscriminate and completely arbitrary (much like some kind of natural disaster... a sadistic natural disaster). However, if Thief decides he wants to target something, he'll use Black Mage to horrifyingly direct ends. Remember the Dwarf nation? Nuff said.
  • What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: Frequently asks this with a lot of sarcasm that neither Red Mage nor Fighter seem to hear. This often is coupled with Fighter's use of the phrase, which he uses in (seemingly) complete innocence, and together makes for some very Meta leaning on the fourth wall.
  • What Is Evil?:
    • Discussed via internal monologue here. Unfortunately, anger at the stupidity of Fighter tends to have an amnesiac/obliterating/stupefying effect.
    • Also parodied. "Is killing a man really murder?"
  • Witch Species: He's an Inherent Gift Magician whose face is a bastardization of non-euclidian geometry so mind destroying that even seeing it drives you insane. This trope might fit, but then again...
  • With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: He's a nexus for the ley lines in reality and has the lowest sanity tolerance ever. Being born like this, his incredible power has warped his sanity considerably over the years, making morality seem increasingly irrelevant to him. Having an insane Ax-Crazy maniac running around with the forces of creation at his finger tips was probably not the best idea ever.
  • Would Hit a Girl: Despite his attraction to White Mage, he isn't above putting her in harm's way, fantasizing of killing her (along with Thief, Red Mage, and Fighter) when he found out they voted for him to be kicked out of the group, and launching a stream of fire at her in an attempt to cover up the fact that he rigged the votes. For anyone else he'll indiscriminately kill without second thoughts.
  • The Worf Effect: Lampshaded by Red Mage.

    Fighter McWarrior
"I like... what was it again?"

The stupidest member of the Light Warriors, as well as the Token Good Teammate and their frontline warrior. Has moments of clarity which imply a college-level education and the required sanity.

    Red Mage Statscowski 

Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
Black Mage: That's so stupid I can't even see straight any more.
Red Mage: Now imagine what'll happen when physics tries to figure it out!

The munchkin and "Smart Guy" of the group. He believes the world works by various game rules (especially RPG's). Whether he is right or not depends largely on whether or not it would be funny.

  • Ambidextrous Sprite: The feather on his hat(s).
  • Bestiality Is Depraved: He has to explain to a disturbed Black Mage that when he's talking about chocobo sex, he's not talking about sex with chocobos, that when he's talking about breeding the chocobos, he's not talking about breeding with the chocobos, and that when he's taking the matter of breeding into his own hands, he's not literally grabbing the chocobos by their genitals. He did watch them breeding for hours for no other reasons that he felt like it.
  • Character Development: While he largely remains the same character, he does learn that it's better to use spells and abilities to live another day then to be dead but retain his peak versatility.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: His grasp of reality is tenuous at best, and he lives as if he is a PC in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
  • Complexity Addiction: His plans always have to be multilayered, while his companions prefer the immediate (and usually violent) solution.
  • Crazy Enough to Work: Sometimes his plans are so completely insane they actually work. Most of them, however, are just crazy enough to fail hilariously.
  • Crossdresser: He really likes to wear dresses. Even has a drag name, Deborah.
  • Desperately Craves Affection: Due to fake daddy issues, he even fakes mechanic babble solely for an attempt at male bonding.
  • Does Not Understand Sarcasm: "We're going to have a code. When I stab you in the ear, that means I'm being sarcastic. Got it?"
  • Dumbass Has a Point: As pointed out here, despite his complete lack of common sense, a good number of his plans do end up working
  • Dump Stat: In universe, he considers Charisma to be this. He has a nightmare where all his stats are low, except for Charisma, which is boosted to a whopping thirteen.
  • Even Evil Has Standards:
    • The comic where Black Mage explains his Hadoken spell works by draining love out of the universe and converting it into destructive energy is part of a trinity where Red Mage writes up "real" versions of signature powers of the Light Warriors for use in Dungeons & Dragons (it's the third, after Fighter's Zodiackenshido and his own Ice-9). The last panel is the Hadoken's "statblock" incomplete and scribbled over, with a note from Red Mage that some things are too horrible to contemplate in the spot left blank.
    • When Black Mage states in page 874 that if White Mage dies from drinking paint thinner, her body will still be warm enough for him to get what he wants, Red Mage considers that to be the worst thing he's ever said.
  • Evilutionary Biologist: When it comes to Chocobo breeding.
    Red Mage: All it required was a cocktail of dangerous experimental surgery and a willingness to ignore the unnecessary suffering of perfectly innocent beings. Also, I shot magic into their chromosomes until they turned inside out. Evolution is my bitch.
  • Fake Memories: "Plus, Red Mage? You can NOT tell him this, but he's not actually a cross dresser and he has no daddy issues. I've just been messin' with his head."
  • A God Am I: Learned almost "every move in the game" from the Datasphere and planned to dethrone the gods and start the world over after the adventure.
  • Hero with an F in Good: Many times he only thinks about himself (to the point his ordeal is about hubris), and the tendency to do cruel stuff (Chocobo breeding, taking over a city) doesn't help either.
  • An Ice Person: Although he spent a large time trying to keep his spell use "neutral," he eventually started specializing in ice spells, including one that could destroy an entire universe.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Each an every one of his plans operates on this. His explanation is that a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot fail due to flaws in its own logic, and is therefore cannot be stopped.
  • Iron Butt-Monkey: Like the rest, one time he got swallowed by a dragon and stayed on fire since he could hug people to death despite the excruciating pain.
  • Know-Nothing Know-It-All: A classic example: between his overwrought vocabulary and unshakable self-confidence, it's sometimes easy to forget that Red Mage is really talking out of his ass most of the time.
  • Lack of Empathy: He doesn't enjoy murdering like Black Mage but he doesn't care about anyone. His Ice 9 spell explicitly states that a total lack of regard to human life is required to learn it (because it's causing the heat death of the Universe). And his chocobo's experiment sickens even Black Mage.
  • Last of His Kind: The rest of the Red Mages stupided themselves into extinction. Of course, given the existence of Barry in the True Light Warriors, Red Mage's status as a Min Maxer, his obvious delusions, and the fact that in the next comic, he mentions "Lies disguised as secrets also equals depth", how much of what he says is true is left up for debate.
  • Last Stand: despite being extremely uncharacteristic, Red Mage decides to save the world (and White Mage) from Black Mage's evil here, going into a fight with no advantages, his entire team dead, and no real plan, fighting against the sum total of all the evil in the universe.
  • A Lighter Shade of Black: Substantially less evil than Black Mage and Thief, on the grounds of being thoroughly amoral and insane rather than outright evil.
  • Mad Scientist: with D&D magic and Looney Tunes physics standing in for science and reason.
  • Min-Maxing: His obsession.
  • Munchkin: He forgets to write his damage down, use animal husbandry to get off an island and does everything for experience points.
  • Mystical White Hair: A white-haired wizard. And in some regards, also fits White Hair, Black Heart.
  • Nice Hat: Apparently his hat is so nice it boosts his stats.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: Played for Laughs. Red Mage can gain any skill he wants, or needs, simply by writing said skill in his character sheet. By his character change, he learns to mimic skills but uses them far longer than the duration of his Mime skill note 
  • Only Sane Man: Doesn't hold this role as often as often as Black Mage or Thief, but he finds himself in this role from time to time, such as being frustrated with Black Mage and Thief's inability to go through a single Dwarfen town without destroying it, frequently preventing them from getting information they needed.
  • Pet the Dog: Uses his healing powers to revive an impaled White Mage during the final battle, with no obvious utilitarian purpose for doing so.
  • The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Ironically, despite being a Red Mage (an archetype seen as a Jack-of-All-Stats Magic Knight) and often billing himself as such, he doesn't actually make much use of his Red Mage abilities, even after he stopped holding them back for the sake of not unbalancing himself. He doesn't cast spells nearly as often as his fellow mages, and he fights in melee very infrequently compared even to Black Mage. Most of the time, he relies on mundane skills sneaked onto his character sheet. Much of this is due to his Complexity Addiction—he would rather cheat to learn surgery and botch it multiple times in the process than simply cast a healing spell and be done with it.
  • Pragmatic Villainy:
    • He's the only one of the party who objects to the genocide of the dwarven nation during the hunt for the Earth Orb and goes out of his way to try and stop it, simply because killing them prevents the dwarves from giving them directions.
  • Pride: A significant chunk of Red Mage's entire thing is that he's sublimely convinced he is the smartest person in the world, with a mind thrumming with fractactical genius. Repeatedly being maimed, transformed, blown up etc. as a result of this conviction does nothing to disabuse him of it.
  • That Came Out Wrong: To legendary level and totally oblivious to it. The group ended up passing as a rapist gang and he stopped Sarda's spellcasting by saying his balls shrunk.
  • The Red Mage: It's in the name and is infact his name.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: Seems to genuinely believe that he's a 'fractactical genius', and loves to brag about it.
  • The Smart Guy: Well he thinks he is, anyway.
  • Strange Minds Think Alike: Has several with Garland and a few others.
  • The Strategist: Although most of his plans are somewhat hindered by such minor things as: The Laws Of Physics, Common Sense, Black Mage, Basic Logic, their own brain-breaking insanity, the incompetence of his cohorts, his own incompetence, Black Mage, a lack of proper equipment, a lack of regard for any kind of rationality, Fighter's stupidity, his own stupidity, Black Mage's stupidity, being needlessly overcomplicated to the point of madness, Black Mage, his tenous grasp on reality, King Steve...that being said, he still pulls off a good one every now and then.
  • That Came Out Wrong: He does this so frequently it seems like it might actually be on purpose.
  • When All You Have Is a Hammer...: Has a horrific tendency to solve problems with animal husbandry.
  • Why Couldn't You Be Different?: He claims that his father hated him because he wanted to have a daughter rather than son. This resulted in Red Mage's cross-dressing tendencies. (But see Fake Memories above.)
  • Wrong Genre Savvy:

    Prince Thief Khee'bler 

Black Mage: [seeing Thief with an enormous bag of loot] Didn't the pirates take everything already?
Thief: They left everything that was nailed down. I did not.

The Miser Advisor of the Light Warriors, who constantly scams the rest of the team out of any rewards they might have earned. He also became The Leader due to similar wrangling.


Warriors of Darkness

    Group as a Whole 

Garland: We have failed to enact any significant revenge against the hated Light Warriors.
Vilbert: Point of order: Nuh-uh!
Bikke: Yar. Ye slam o' poetry be as significant as a pee in the ocean.
Drizz'l: It's what we're all thinking.

The theoretical antagonists of the comic, they are even less competent than the Light Warriors, and significantly less evil. They spend most of their time involved in "evil" bake sales.


Garland: You will pay for your insolence, princess. For when I summon the dark lord Chaos to do my bidding, my very first uh... bid will be to hurrrrrt you. Hurrrrt you!
Princess Sara: What're you gonna have him do? Poke me in the ribs?
Garland: Oh heavens no. I'm nefarious, not cruel.

The first Big Bad of the theory. In practice, he's such a Harmless Villain that the princess he kidnapped takes over his operation in order to inject some competence. Becomes the leader of the Dark Warriors when the group is formed.


"I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends."

The prince of the dark elves, he eventually becomes the Only Sane Man of the Dark Warriors.

  • The Beastmaster: Tends to rely on monsters (the giant spiders, camel spider, platypus, random encounters in the Temple, and the Fiends). Likely a Ranger/Fighter, being a Drizzt ripoff.
  • Canon Foreigner: He isn't based on any preexisting character from the original game.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Becomes prevalent in his interactions with Thief and the other Dark Warriors towards the end. Needless to say, his elven royalty shows.
  • Crippling Overspecialization: He's a Master Swordsman with his pair of scimitars. Without them, he's utterly useless in a fight.
  • Death of a Thousand Cuts: Almost on the receiving end of this. Turns out that summoning the "true guardians" of something takes longer than a fatal mob stabbing.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Really passive aggressive.
  • Dual Wielding: When Fighter gets the swords, he names them Stabby and Slashy (although Fighter named the second one Stabby again before he changed it)
  • Early Installment Weirdness: In his first appearance he was stupid enough to be outsmarted by Fighter. In later appearances he's the Dark Warrior's Only Sane Man. This might be related to the fact that Fighter is a walking Brown Note to all things even remotely intelligent, though.
  • Speech Bubbles: Inverted (white on black).
  • The Starscream: Actually manages to take leadership over the Dark Warriors for a little while and make them slightly less ineffective.
  • Straw Misogynist: Tells Princess Sara that if they team up he would be the brains because he's male. Sara being Sara, he's laughed off.
  • Summoning Ritual: Tries to summon fiends. He bungles the summoning, but they come anyway. He sics them on the Dark Warriors, only to realize one of the fiends is Vilbert's father. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Weapon of Choice: Scimitars.
  • White Hair, Black Heart: His hair is white, and he's the Dark Warrior with the vilest behavior.
  • You Killed My Father: His primary grievance with the Light Warriors.


"Be this 600 or pineapple?"

A fearsome pirate of the seven seas who knows nothing about piracy or seas—or anything else, for that matter.

  • Ambidextrous Sprite: Though it's entirely probable that he has two perfectly healthy eyes and intentionally moves his eyepatch when he turns.
  • Bad Boss: Killed his crew by feeding them Cheetos when they were suffering scurvy rather than oranges. Not out of stupidity, but so he wouldn't have to share the booty.
  • The Big Guy: Often by choice as he likes to do physical stuff.
  • The Ditz: Easily tops both Fighter and King Steve in this regard.
  • Hook Hand: After believing himself to have one, Vilbert eventually gives him a prop one.
  • Never Learned to Read: Or write.
  • Pirate: Complete with Talk Like a Pirate. Interestingly, he's also unable to swim. He loses his ship and crew in his first arc, but joins the Dark Warriors anyway.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Garland apparently carries a baby tote for him.
  • Super Drowning Skills: Well, since it involves aquatic travel, that means he's terrible at it.
  • Talk Like a Pirate: The only way he ever speaks.
  • You Will Be Spared: He is told this by Sarda when Bikke "properly" uses the Water Orb. note 


    Vilbert von Vampire 

"My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos."

A LARP-er roleplaying as a vampire...who is also a vampire for real. Also Lich's son.

The Other Warriors

    Group as a Whole 

Red Mage: But the Other Warriors were on the same quest.
Thief: It's because they aren't smart! You were able to fool them. You.

Another group of warriors out to save the world, they have a mildly antagonistic relationship with the Light Warriors.

  • Canon Foreigner: There's nothing resembling them or their roles in Final Fantasy I.
  • Dropped a Bridge on Him: All are killed off unceremoniously by Sarda.
  • Hero of Another Story: Their story being an attempt to, completely unsuccessfully, bring the Light Warriors to justice, while helping others along the way.
  • His Name Really Is "Barkeep": Much like the Light Warriors, their class names are their actual names.
  • Idiot Hero: Thief brings up the point that Red Mage was able to trick them. Later, a distinctly human Warmech was able to convince them that he is human, despite being a Walking Tank with a mustache.
  • Nice Guy: They all, unlike the Light Warriors, seem like genuine heroes, with altruistic goals. Well, except maybe Rogue.
  • The Team: It's noted in their encounter with the Light and Dark Warriors that they actually seem to like each other, unlike the others.


A forest guide and Chick Magnet who may or may not have a habit of leading hapless travelers to their deaths.

  • Chick Magnet: White Mage swoons at the mere sight of him.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: His full name is Generic Dual-Class Half-Elven Ranger. His other class is also Ranger.
  • Dual Wielding: Taken Up to Eleven. Unfortunately, he chose to take it Up to Eleven against Sarda, which still left him about Eleventy Zillion short.
  • Heinz Hybrid: He's apparently 50% elf, 25% human and 12.5% orc. The remaining 12.5% is unknown, but presumably also human. Bizarrely, in his introduction, he claims to be half-elven and half-human. Later he says he's a half-elven ranger who is a quarter Lefeinish (human) and a quarter half-orc. This puts him anywhere from 112.5% to 125%, depending on what the other half of the half-orc is.
  • The Hero: For the Other Warrior team, which is one of the few group trying to help people.

    Berserker Axinhed 

"Just because I fly into a blind, homocidal rage at the tip of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life."

A dapper and polite gentlemanly dwarf who also flies into frothing rage in combat.

  • The Berserker: But only when he loses his monocle.
  • Berserk Button: Taking off his monocle, but since it works when he takes it off himself, his berserk button can be whatever he wants it to be.


"Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it."

The atheist cleric of the Other Warriors, who gets spells from all the gods at once, since they know he doesn't play favorites.


"I know a guy."

A less competent version of Thief.

The Fiends

    Group as a Whole 

The guardians of the Orbs of Light, and the primary antagonists of the comic.

  • Back from the Dead: Due to Being summoned from hell by Drizz'l.
  • Co-Dragons: For Chaos, though only Muffin is an actual dragon.
  • Elemental Embodiment: Really only Kary. Lich is more of an elemental antithesis (and embodiment of death), whereas it's an entirely Informed Ability for Ur and Muffin.
  • For the Evulz: They enjoy destruction and killing, Ur seems more professional about it but he still try destroying the world just because.
  • Knight of Cerebus: Lich and Kary play this straight, and Ur and Muffin subvert it.


"Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing!"

A several hundred thousand year old archmage who achieved immortality in undeath and guards the Earth Orb. Also Vilbert's father.

  • Badass Boast: Loves to do this even more than the other villains. Unfortunately for his ego, the Warriors of Light don't take him seriously.
    Lich: You mock the Lich King?! All that is living turns to ash in the presence of the Lich. I am the beauty of decay, the perfection of death. All that is born lives only to die. And in death shall you serve a new master. Lich! So face me, oh warriors, and know the horror of perfection!
    Black Mage: Yes, yes, the Lord of The Dead shall surely inherit the greatest kingdom given enough time. Now hush, the adults are talking.
  • Brought Down to Badass: He attempts to pull this when the Light Warriors manage to successfully return his soul to his body, rendering him mortal and depriving him of his lich powers. As he points out, even if he isn't immortal anymore, he's still an unbelievably ancient, well-learned, and powerful mage and should be able to wipe them out in seconds... and then a powered-up Black Mage immediately drags him to Hell.
  • Charm Person: Uses "creepy undead mind control" to prevent his wives from cheating on him. Try not to focus too much on the creepy...
  • Dem Bones: Being a lich.
  • Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Seems to genuinely care about his son, even if he considers him to be a bit of a failure.
  • Physical God: Becomes the ruler of Hell after Hell King Black Mage kills him.
  • Straw Nihilist: He is the embodiment of death, he doesn't have the best outlook about the meaning of life.
  • Soul Jar: Used the Earth Orb for this purpose.


"Look, I haven't killed anything in about three minutes, so my patience is nil at this point."

The Elemental Embodiment of Fire, guardian of the Orb of Fire, and one of the most kill-happy creatures on the planet.

  • Stupid Evil + Bad Boss: Slaughters her own minions for little or no reason just to prove she's evil and because she likes killing things.
  • Worthy Opponent: Calls Fighter one, anyway.


"Anyway, you guys ordered an apocalypse if I'm right."

An Eldritch Abomination beyond space and time, who acts as a freelance agent of apocalypse. Also the guardian of the Water Orb.


Dragoon: Muffin is a dragon. It all makes sense now. Like, when I'd say 'Polly want a cracker?" she'd say "No, Muffin want to rip a knight in half and suck out the pulp.
Thief: That kind of thing happen often?
Dragoon: Around here it does.

Supposedly the last dragon, and one of near godlike power. She played the part of Dragoon's pet parakeet, both to avoid suspicion and because she thought it was funny. Also acts as the guardian of the Air Orb.

  • Achilles' Heel: A spear through her brain.
  • Batman Gambit: How she deals with each of the Light Warriors.
  • Canon Foreigner / Composite Character: A Tiamat filler with a completely different personality and the sprite of Dark Dragon Idoun/Idenn.
  • Evil Plan: Forming the Dragoons to kill off all the other dragons to take their treasure and having the Dragoons killed off, too.
  • Faux Affably Evil: She likes to talk with her enemies and even convinced Fighter to not kill her because she would rather not want to die.She is still a sadistic monster.
  • Fluffy the Terrible: Though Dragoon suspects it wasn't her real name. Based on FF1 it's a strong possibility that her real name is Tiamat, but this is never confirmed.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Creating an order of knights designed solely to slay dragons really comes back to bite her.
  • Last of His Kind: Almost. Red Mage points out that they've met multiple dragons other than her, and she grudgingly acknowledges that she didn't quite manage to kill all of the others, but definitely got all the big ones (apart from Bahamut). Not too long afterwards the Light Warriors run into fourteen dragons in the temple of fiends, so apparently Muffin did a pretty sloppy job.
  • Smug Snake: Being a dragon makes you underestimate small and stupid ape like being, especially when they have done nothing to prove her otherwise.
  • Superior Species: Sure thinks she is. Manages to out-do even elves in terms of racial arrogance.
  • Visionary Villain: Unlike the other Fiends, she had an agenda of ruling the world as the only meaningful dragon by having Dragoon slaughtering the others.
  • We Can Rule Together: Briefly allies with Black Mage before tricking him into getting off of her while flying in the middle of the sky.


    Dr. Swordopolis 

Swordopolis: You are the Enlightened Warrior, but you're also very, very stupid.
Fighter: I don't follow.
Swordopolis: Yeah, see, that's rather the problem, actually.

The Avatar who works with Fighter, much to his frustration. Manifests as Dymlos's sprite from Tales of Destiny with glasses slapped on top.

  • Arch-Enemy: Appears to be opposed in some way to Darko.
    Darko: Let Swordopolis and his fool try to stop you now!
  • Ass Shove: This is how he possesses people. He would really prefer an alternative.
  • Everyone Has Standards: While he wants Black Mage dead, he's not willing to do so at the cost of everyone's lives, which is why he stops Fighter from murdering everyone.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: He mostly interacts with Fighter, which may explain it.
  • Talking Weapon: Or at least manifests as one.


Red Mage: Wish I had a patron deity.
Megahedron: But Red Mage, what about me?
Red Mage: Oh Megahedron, we both know you're nothing more than a manifestation of my three point Hallucination flaw, and therefore not real.

The Avatar who works with Red Mage, much to his frustration. Manifests as a D20 with sunglasses.

  • Maybe Magic, Maybe Mundane: Only Red Mage ever really interacts with him, and none of the others even mention him, meaning it's hard to tell whether he's a legitimate Avatar in the same way as Swordopolis, or if he really is a result of Red Mage's madness.
  • Only Sane Man: To be fair, he avatars for Red Mage.
    Megahedron: Will you stop looking into the ancient insanity box already!
  • Non-Indicative Name: He is in fact an icosahedron. An actual megahedron would have a million faces and closely resemble a sphere, meaning in the 8-bit universe it'd probably appear as a cube.
  • Vagueness Is Coming: He cops to it, at least.
    Megahedron: Great, this brick wall of words again. Look, can I just deliver my vague portents and leave?

    "Darko, Dark God of the Dark" 
The Avatar who works with Black Mage, much to the frustration of both of them. Manifests as Magus's sprite from Chrono Trigger.
  • Arch-Enemy: Is working against Swordopolis.
  • Brown Note: Supposedly, his true name makes your brain eat itself.
  • Celestial Bureaucracy: Or rather Infernal Bureaucracy. He's Evil's middle management. Unrelatedly, all of Evil is middle management.
  • Demon Lords and Archdevils: His formal title is "Avatar of Evil and Executive Assistant to Chaos".
  • God of Evil: Black Mage refers to him as such.
  • No Name Given: His admittedly lame title is the first thing Black Mage thought of.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: Whenever he and Black Mage talk in the later strips, his preferred topic of conversation is why BM hasn't gotten around to ending all things lately.


"I invented chicanery. You don't want to play this game with me, elf. It will be the end of you."

A trickster god who becomes, for all intents and purposes, Thief's Avatar.

  • Animalistic Abomination: Takes the form of a raven.
  • Clever Crows: A very intelligent raven god. Unfortunately he isn’t quite as good at it as Thief.
  • Magnificent Bastard: He's not quite on Thief's level, but he comes close.
  • Out-Gambitted: Thief turns out to be better than him, which is really quite a feat.
  • Trickster God: His modus operandi. He doesn’t get around to actually doing much, though.


    White Mage 

"Stupid white mage's oath."

The begrudging ally of the Light Warriors, dedicated to pushing them onto the path of destiny whether they like it or not.

  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: But, fortunately, she got better.
  • Informed Attractiveness: Thanks to it being a sprite comic, of course, although there was an attempt to show it when she was first introduced.
    • We see her in the epilogue. She's quite cute. And stacked. It takes the last strip to show what Black Mage was talking about. Easily seen when White Mage is walking with Thief.
  • Logic Bomb: Convinced Chaos that a universe without Order would lead to a vast nothingness of randomized particles... which would be totally non-chaotic... and therefore boring. Then zapped him with enough White Magic to kill a vile dark god of chaotic energy. Which is what he was. So that worked out.
  • Morality Pet: Subverted. Black Mage's crush on her appears humanizing at first, but is eventually shown to be really, really creepy. Her presence also isn't enough to prevent him from being evil; at most, he tries to be evil without her noticing. That said, the times when he's in White Mage's presence are about as restrained as Black Mage's evil ever gets.
  • Mysterious Protector: She tries but as Black Belt point out they have lunch with them every once in a while and are completely aware that she has their back.
  • Only Sane Man: Usually. Unless she ends up talking to Sarda who she believes to be a nice guy or persists on making the Light Warriors heroes of the prophecy.
  • Out of Focus: Originally a Sixth Ranger of sorts, but started showing up less and less as the comic went on.
  • Red Is Heroic: She's got red hair and is by far the most heroic character in the story (not that that's hard, but...)
  • Those Two Guys: With Black Belt. At first.
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Italian.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Black Mage gives her one when she is ok with Black Belt beating Garland (seemingly) to death, she is actually impressed Black Mage feels compassion only for him to negate the whole outrage by voicing he is angry that he can't kill with impunity.
  • White Mage: Duh.


"I, gentlemen, am Sarda, and that makes me the wizard who did it!"

The most powerful mage in existence, he is older than the universe itself. In theory, he's supposed to guide the Light Warriors to their destiny. In practice, he just uses his omnipotence to screw with them.

  • Arch-Enemy: To Black Mage.
  • Ascended Extra: Everyone is, but he is the comic's Most Triumphant Example. In all editions of Final Fantasy I, Sarda/Sadda is just a hermit who gives the heroes a rod to get past the Earth Cave. In 8-bit Theater, he is so much more.
  • Badass Mustache: Sports a very impressive mustache, which was recommended to him by White Mage at the beginning of the universe.
  • Best Served Cold: He waited for his enemies to get powerful only so he could show how powerless they are compared to him.
  • Big Bad:
    • He's technically the main enemy of the Light Warriors.
    • Unless you count the Light Warriors themselves, as he is responsible for setting everything in motion. Besides, he's nearly as nasty as Black Mage, regularly abusing his power, screwing with Ranger for no reason and with the entire town of Onrac just to get revenge on White Mage. He even inadvertently killed Onion Kid's - AKA his own - adoptive parents when he was doing it. All because he can.
    • You could say he takes the place of Garland, the Big Bad from the source material, being a character scarred by the Light Warriors in the beginning, involved in a time-loop plot, planning on the Light Warriors to complete their quest, and becoming the vessel for Chaos. They're even both fought in the Temple of Fiends.
  • Comes Great Responsibility: But absolute power, rocks absolutely.
  • Composite Character: While being based on Sarda at initial appearances, he ends up absorbing a lot of Garland's aspects from the original game, with both being weaklings that the Light Warriors encountered early on who then traveled back in time and gained strength through a time loop, then, after absorbing a lot of power upon the defeat of the Fiends, became Chaos.
  • Death by Irony: A combination of Hoist by His Own Petard and poetically dying the way he grew up—accidentally harmed by Black Mage's evil.
  • Demonic Possession: By Chaos.
  • Evil Is Petty: And bored. Days used to be longer, but he shortened them to twenty-four hours just to make people hurry.
  • Evil Sorcerer: he uses his magic to troll and hurt people.
  • The Faceless: His face is blackened under the hood so all we can see of it is his mustache. Though we see his face plenty of times when he is a child.
  • Famous Last Words: "I am Sarda. And I am older than time. I possess a power beyond mortal imagination. My plans will not be undone by such amateur-hour horseshit as absorbing too much power and exploding. I am Sarda. My will be done."
  • Freudian Excuse: He's such an asshole because Black Mage made his past self's life miserable. This is cancelled out because he didn't do anything to fix it, though Word of God suggests he couldn't.
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: He was originally the Onion Kid, a nobody who Black Mage accidentally orphaned multiple times.
  • Future Badass: Of the Onion Kid.
  • A God Am I: I am Sarda. My will be done.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: Being trapped and alone for billions of years alone was really just the final straw that broke the wizard's mind.
  • Go Mad from the Revelation: His madness started with Black Mage's face.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Absorbs so much power that he is killed and his body is used by Chaos.
  • Hypocrite:
    • He can make a case for Black Mage, but he can't really claim the moral high ground over Thief and Red Mage. He doesn't even attempt to claim it over Fighter.
    • He claims the Light Warriors (bar Fighter) are all monsters that need to die for the good of everyone else (not that he's wrong about that) but decides their ultimate punishment is to live in the knowledge that he could kill them at any time.
    • He also justifies not just pulling a Ret-Gone on the Light Warriors by saying the past cannot be changed. Didn't stop him from erasing Bard for annoying him, apparently.
  • Idiot Ball: Just once, though at the worst possible moment. Quoth the Evil Overlord List: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. To his defense it was either that or die right now since Black Mage's hadoken would have had likely killed him if he didn't absorb the power but his decision of gloating robs him of his revenge.
  • Jerkass: Has no problem with brutally murdering anyone who annoys him enough, and takes great pleasure in screwing with the Light Warriors (which, granted, they deserve but still.) He also wipes a whole town because it will hurt White Mage.
  • Living Bodysuit: For Chaos.
  • Mind Screw: Does this to the Light Warriors, Other Warriors, and Dark Warriors in various ways.
  • Nigh-Invulnerability: He could take everything thrown at him which ends up killing him because of Phlebotinum Overload.
  • One-Winged Angel: After absorbing the elemental orbs and Black Mage's super evil. He explodes a few minutes later.
  • The Power of Hate: His hatred of the Light Warriors is what kept him going for eons.
  • Pet the Dog: Toward White Mage and Fighter, even though he has every reason to hate the former.
  • Reality Warper: His command of magic is so powerful, that after so many years of study, he became this,
  • Seen It All: And probably still seeing it since his perception of time is weird, however Fighter and Bikke can pull fast ones on him with their stupidity.
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Traveled to the beginning of the universe in order to prevent the Light Warriors from coming into being. It didn't work.
  • Stable Time Loop: As a direct result of the Light Warrior's actions, mirroring the original game's similar time loop. He's the grown-up Onion Kid, gone back to the dawn of time to try to re-write the universe in his image, only to end up beaten to the punch by White Mage by a few seconds. Then forced to take The Slow Path back.
  • Time Abyss: Technically older than the universe.

    Black Belt 

Black Belt: You try walking a straight line without bumping into wave functions of neighboring realities.
Black Mage: We do it all the time. It's called NOT BEING SO STUPID THAT IT WARPS THE UNIVERSE!

White Mage's companion, and stupider even than fighter.


"All those poor, poor fools not living in towers or being able to leap into the stratosphere. It's like they wanted to drown."

The last of the dragoons, an order dedicated to slaying dragons. Also lives with Muffin, the last dragon, who he believes is a parakeet.

  • Dragon Knight: A Dragoon, the type anyway.
  • The Dragonslayer: He is this, despite the fact that he evidently doesn't entirely grasp what a dragon actually is.
  • Embarrassing First Name: One strip implies that his first name is actually Sebastian, and that he isn't too fond of it.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": He doesn't answer to Sebastian.
  • Genius Ditz: He's actually genuinely competent at killing dragons, and fighting in general. He's just also kind of a naive moron.
  • Last of His Kind: The last Dragoon around.
  • Nice Guy: He is unfailingly polite even to Black Mage.
  • Put on a Bus: But comes Back for the Finale and, unlike the countless cameos within said finale, he's actually the sixth most prominent character in it.
  • Running Gag: Invariably lands on Black Mage when jumping.
  • Unwitting Pawn: Muffin used him to slay every big dragons.
  • What an Idiot!: In-universe, the other characters call him out on the stupidity of believing that Muffin was a parrot all his life.

    King Steve 

King Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand?
Princess Sara: It's 400 years old, dad.
King Steve: Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.

The very, very, very stupid king of Corneria.

    Princess Sara 

The far more competent daughter of King Steve, her kidnapping by Garland starts off the plot.

  • Demoted to Extra: A big part of the Dark Warrior and King Steve sub-plots earlier on, but Drizz'l and Left-Hand Man Gary essentially take her place.


"I am the yawning chasm from before the before; the darkness after the end of all things. I am nothing and no thing is eternal."

The Big Bad of the series, an omnicidal God of Evil dedicated to nothing but chaos and destruction...and actually a rather pleasant guy, all around.

  • For the Evulz: Seems to genuinely love living up to his name with random acts of screwing people over.
    Chaos: Yes, you may do this thing.
    Red Mage: Score.
    Chaos: And take as long as you like. As long as it takes no more than 24 of your Earth hours.
    Red Mage: But you said-
    Chaos: I'm Chaos!
  • Generic Doomsday Villain: Invoked trope. He wants to destroy all of existence out of a misguided belief that it would be chaotic. Unfortunately, White Mage explains to him that such a thing would create perfect order.
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: While he did get mentioned about once a year, he still comes from nowhere (literally).
  • A God Am I: Obviously, what with him being the elder god of destruction. When challenged about his desire to destroy the universe with cake, his response is, 'it's a little beyond your ability to influence.'


A powerful, blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a quest for a rat tail. Dating the god of dragons.

  • Baleful Polymorph: Turns people who annoy her into frogs.
  • Crystal Ball: She's introduced to the story because she lost it. So she did the logical thing: waited in a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location to entrust its recovery to the first group of people too stupid to avoid a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location.
  • Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action: She's dating Bahamut, god-king of dragons. The anatomical challenges are not explained. Though she tries. In detail.
  • Interspecies Romance: As noted above, she's dating Bahamut, a dragon.

    The Cultists 

Thief: You're not going to have to incest at us first, are you?
Cultist 1: No, we don't do that!
Cultist 2: Any more!
Mrr'grt: As much!

A cult of Cthulhumanoids trying to summon an elder god to destroy the world.


The chancellor of the elf kingdom, who looks after Elfland while the king is indisposed and the prince is away.



A robot survivor of an extinct civilization.

  • Bus Crash: Kills himself off-screen.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Spent long, lonely years trying to develop a version of tennis that could be played by one person. One robot person. Who has no arms.
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: Lampshaded for laughs. The Light Warriors are pretty grumpy about the fact that a high-tech robot is inexplicably walking around in their somewhat-medieval-ish world.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: Again: tennis.
  • Hugh Mann: Pretends to be human simply by getting a moustache.
  • Logic Bomb: He is eventually defeated by this—he claims that he is human and he will laser to death anyone who says otherwise, at which it's pointed out that if he were human, he wouldn't have a laser.
  • Walking Tank: A literal example.



A merchant who continuously sells the Light Warriors a variety of useless and broken objects he claims will help them in their quest.


A turbaned merchant who openly sells dangerously shoddy products and services.

    The Sulk 

One of Vilbert's friends.

    The Real Light Warriors 

The people actually destined to save the world from Chaos, they got to the recruiting station a bit too late.

  • Butt-Monkey: Whenever we see these guys, they're usually getting screwed over.
  • The Chew Toy: When you consider how they were supposed to be the heroes, their suffering is very disheartening.
  • Cosmic Plaything: Even when the Light Warriors aren't screwing them, things rarely work out for these guys.
  • Evil Counterpart: Inverted; since the Light Warriors are the very definition of Villain Protagonists, they are very heroic. To drive the point home, while the RLWs use character sprites of Fighter, Thief, and Red Mage's upgraded classes from the first Final Fantasy game (Knight, Ninja, Red Wizard, respectively) Black Mage's is a White Wizard.
  • Heroic Build: Their sprites give off this appearance, befitting to their heroic nature.
  • Missed the Call: They were supposed to be the ones to become chosen by fate, but because they were out level grinding, the main characters got the job.
  • No Name Given: The only member of the group whose name was revealed is the Red Wizard named Barry.
  • No Respect Guy: All of them really, considering they were the real heroes destined to save the world. Barry the Red Wizard gets the worst of it seeing how he's always blamed for whatever goes wrong.
  • Think Nothing of It: When they do pull off some heroics, they are very humble about it.


The Fifth Light Warrior who (probably) pissed Sarda off.

  • Forgotten Fallen Friend: None of the other Light Warriors remember he existed. Granted, Sarda made sure that he didn't exist, so it'd be hard to remember him.
  • Ret-Gone: It's implied that Sarda wiped him from space-time for something to do with his lute.


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