Black Mage
"Wait. If it's a Cave of No Return, how does anyone know what's inside of it?"
— 1
Black Mage: Do you know what happens to a giant when it gets blasted with a fireball?
Fighter: Er... no, what?
Black Mage: The same thing that happens to everything else!
Beat Panel
Fighter: Dude, that line sucks.
Fighter: Er... no, what?
Black Mage: The same thing that happens to everything else!
Beat Panel
Fighter: Dude, that line sucks.
— 6
"Why, it would take some kind of insane megalomaniacal fiend to take pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than the force of my own will, the rush of electricity through my being, the power—my god, the POWER! ITS THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!
—25
"What did I ever do to deserve this as my fate? Other than all the sinning."
— 262
Fighter: Now who's the stupidest one?
Black Mage: Us, for having to hear you talk.
Black Mage: Us, for having to hear you talk.
— 270
"Damnit, Thief."
—Black Mage's Catchphrase every time Thief screws the rest of them over.
"Y'know, I think my favorite thing about being a hero of destiny is that it gives you all kinds of narrative justification to just slay any ol' jerk who gets in your way."
— 286
Black Mage: Wait, if I did evil, and you guys here are evil, then shouldn't you be showering me with rewards and concubines, etc?
Ruler of Hell: This is Hell. We're big on irony here.
Black Mage: Then I'm sure you'll appreciate what is going to occur.
Ruler of Hell: This is Hell. We're big on irony here.
Black Mage: Then I'm sure you'll appreciate what is going to occur.
— 388
"I know the difference between right and wrong. I just don't care."
— 405
Black Mage: I found out what zombies are weak against.
Red Mage: Oh?
Black Mage: Point blank annihilation.
Red Mage: Oh?
Black Mage: Point blank annihilation.
— 409
"I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence."
— 428
"And how are we supposed to do smart things? Just think them up?"
— 470
Black Mage: Thief?! I thought you ran off like the coward you are!
Thief: And you wouldn't have run for it?
Black Mage: Don't change the subject.
Thief: And you wouldn't have run for it?
Black Mage: Don't change the subject.
— 475
"Love is a very powerful force. Even more so when it's focused into a coherent beam of destruction. Every time I cast Hadoken, it siphons away some of the love in the universe. I'm not sure how much, but I'm given to understand the divorce rate goes up with each blast."
White Mage: You... sacrificed... children. For power?
Black Mage: Of course. If I'd done it for no reason, I'd be a sicko or something.
White Mage: ...
Black Mage: So, we gonna make out or what?
Black Mage: Of course. If I'd done it for no reason, I'd be a sicko or something.
White Mage: ...
Black Mage: So, we gonna make out or what?
— 489
"Some people wrestle with their personal demons. I stabbed mine in the back of the head. He was a bleeder....
The thing is, I think it was what Alchoholics call an epiphany. Except I'm more of a murder-holic. So y'know, the face stabbing."
The thing is, I think it was what Alchoholics call an epiphany. Except I'm more of a murder-holic. So y'know, the face stabbing."
— 617
"Well, I have been meaning to figure out how to turn self-love into an atrocity..."
— 618
Black Mage: Know this. There is a Hell, And when you are there I shall visit upon you such dark horrors as their names cannot be spoken.
Red Mage: You need more stickers.
Black Mage: We are so far beyond stickers.
Red Mage: Stickers increase your max speed.
Black Mage: Tell me more.
— 683
"I'd say his moral framework just snapped, but what moral framework?"
—Red Mage 685
Doom Cultist: Enough Buffoonery.
Black Mage: If it was that simple, do you think I'd be dressed like this?
Black Mage: If it was that simple, do you think I'd be dressed like this?
— 739
{upon joining a cult of Cthulhumanoids} Finally! I'm not the ugliest malcontent in the group.
— 741
[To Fighter] "Every day with you is an adventure I never wanted. Like swimming naked through shards of glass."
— 786
Red Mage: So we're back to the murder plot, are we.
Black Mage: Is killing a man really murder?
Red Mage: Yes.
Black Mage: Wait, I had this all figured out earlier. [To Red Mage] Isn't murder only the crime of killing someone?
Red Mage: Yes.
Black Mage: No, that wasn't right either.
Fighter: I told you to write it down.
Black Mage: I know, I know!
Black Mage: Is killing a man really murder?
Red Mage: Yes.
Black Mage: Wait, I had this all figured out earlier. [To Red Mage] Isn't murder only the crime of killing someone?
Red Mage: Yes.
Black Mage: No, that wasn't right either.
Fighter: I told you to write it down.
Black Mage: I know, I know!
— 799
"Healed and healthy forever! It makes me want to sing... a song that would turn your heart inside out, but I can't figure out the lyrics."
— 936
"I can recall a time when my life was not, in fact, spiraling out of control before my eyes. We are so far beyond that now, I can't be certain that it wasn't just a dream. *Sets Red Mage's unmoving body on fire.* Though there are perks."
— 949
Driz'zl: What do you think you're doing?
Black Mage: I'd say I was joining the winning team, but that'd imply there existed a time when I wasn't on Team Evil.
Black Mage: I'd say I was joining the winning team, but that'd imply there existed a time when I wasn't on Team Evil.
— 1017
"You shut the goddamn hell up, super monsters."
— 1117
Black Mage: So, it's a fight to the death and we're down by two men.
Red Mage: Wait, two?
Black Mage: Well, one is Thief and the other is about to be me because I'm a coward.
Red Mage: Wait, two?
Black Mage: Well, one is Thief and the other is about to be me because I'm a coward.
— 1120
Fighter
"Sword-chucks, yo."
— 472
"I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to."
— 39
Drizz'l: Only a fool would engage an enemy without knowing anything about him.
Fighter: Which explains exactly why that's what I did!
Thief: That was supposed to be a taunt, wasn't it?
Black Mage: One can only assume.
Fighter: Which explains exactly why that's what I did!
Thief: That was supposed to be a taunt, wasn't it?
Black Mage: One can only assume.
— 274
Black Mage: Jeezy chreezy, Fighter! Did they drop you on the head as a child? Often?
Fighter: Hm... [Has a flashback] Mmm! Power lines and paint chips! My childhood rocks! [Back to present] Nope, why?
Black Mage: Never mind.
Fighter: Hm... [Has a flashback] Mmm! Power lines and paint chips! My childhood rocks! [Back to present] Nope, why?
Black Mage: Never mind.
— 305
Fighter: [Takes a fireball meant for Black Mage]
Black Mage: See! It's not just me! He never dies!
Black Mage: See! It's not just me! He never dies!
—474
[On the rest of the Light Warriors] "Sheesh. Those guys can sure say a whole lot without saying anything."
— 649
Fighter: Well, I believe the things Red Mage says.
Thief: That's because you don't possess the... uh... the imagination to consider that people can lie.
Fighter: I don't follow. Lies aren't true, so why would anyone tell them?
Thief: That's because you don't possess the... uh... the imagination to consider that people can lie.
Fighter: I don't follow. Lies aren't true, so why would anyone tell them?
— 1027
"I met our old friends, who coincidentally are also our worst enemies.
Remember? We killed them? They say its our turn now."
Remember? We killed them? They say its our turn now."
— 1114
"You can't transform numbers into other numbers like that. It'd just go on forever. That's like witchcraft."
— 1135
"The way I figure it, the fall doesn't kill you. The ground does. So I blocked it."
— 1170
Red Mage
"My plans are always practical! It's the laws of physics that get in the way of my success."
— 262
Thief: Do you know what you're doing, RM?
Red Mage: Why should that stop me?
Red Mage: Why should that stop me?
— 384
"You see, Fighter, any time you do anything, there is a one in twenty chance that you will critically fail. The results of such catastrophic events are up to the gods. Sadly, for us, they are vindictive and filled with bad ideas."
— 430
"It shoots fire from it's mouth and bleeds acidic lava! Run for your pathetic lives!
(later) Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!
(later) Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!
[Is eaten alive] It has exposed it's weak, fleshy underbelly to me in the form of its digestive tract! "
(later) Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!
(later) Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!
[Is eaten alive] It has exposed it's weak, fleshy underbelly to me in the form of its digestive tract! "
— 455
Black Mage: You've done a very stupid thing, RM.
Red Mage: The line between genius and stupidity is drawn by vision. And let me tell you, the view from inside a dragon's digestive tract is filled with insight.
Black Mage: Thief?
Thief: No, its filled with guts, he's stupid.
Red Mage: The line between genius and stupidity is drawn by vision. And let me tell you, the view from inside a dragon's digestive tract is filled with insight.
Black Mage: Thief?
Thief: No, its filled with guts, he's stupid.
— 457
"Don't worry, Thief. My intellect has thought of everything. Even the things it hasn't considered. Especially those things, in fact."
— 477
"I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will."
— 573
Black Mage: Does RM's constant use of the word 'probing' make anyone else feel uncomfortable?
Red Mage: What's wrong with being thorough? I always go for the deepest probing action humanly possible.
Red Mage: What's wrong with being thorough? I always go for the deepest probing action humanly possible.
— 587
"Let's review. You built something. But you don't know what it is because you never wrote down what it was for when you still had enough points left in engineering to know. I have been defeated by my own intellect. I don't know if that's encouraging or depressing though."
— 610
Black Mage [seeing mutant Chocobo created by Red Mage]: What is it?!
Red Mage: We went over this. Fruits of Genius. All it required was a cocktail of dangerous, experimental surgery and a willingness to ignore the unnecessary suffering of perfectly innocent beings! Also, I shot magic into their chromosomes until they turned inside-out. Evolution is my bitch.
Red Mage: We went over this. Fruits of Genius. All it required was a cocktail of dangerous, experimental surgery and a willingness to ignore the unnecessary suffering of perfectly innocent beings! Also, I shot magic into their chromosomes until they turned inside-out. Evolution is my bitch.
— 676
"Aren't you guys glad I'm here? None of you would have had the boldness of character or clarity of action to beg for food."
— 774
"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed!"
— 835
[To Sarda, explaining why the Light Warriors didn't get the Orb of Air] "The short version is that everyone in Lefein is a colossal jackass. Yes, they are fully to blame. If you remove our incompetence from the equation, then we did nothing wrong."
— 856
"According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were done and we were nearby."
— 920
[On trying to point out flaws in Red Mage's plans] "It's like talking to a brick wall with a particularly doofy hat. Also, it's ugly."
— Black Mage 941
"Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic can not be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level."
— 942
Thief: Doesn't it worry you to be, you know, aflame?
Red Mage: Are you kidding? This is great. This is like if burning hands was a seventh level spell! Maybe sixth... And anyway, it's auto-hit to boot! I could hug you for 3d4 per turn, Thief. Per. Turn.
Red Mage: Are you kidding? This is great. This is like if burning hands was a seventh level spell! Maybe sixth... And anyway, it's auto-hit to boot! I could hug you for 3d4 per turn, Thief. Per. Turn.
— 951
Red Mage: And that's my brilliant tale of victory.
Black Mage: So, you only survived because [Warmech] forgot how to use his attacks.
Red Mage: Hey, I don't wet myself in this version.
Red Mage (to himself): Next time I tell this story, I'll also skip the part where I said that.
Black Mage: So, you only survived because [Warmech] forgot how to use his attacks.
Red Mage: Hey, I don't wet myself in this version.
Red Mage (to himself): Next time I tell this story, I'll also skip the part where I said that.
— 989
[To Fighter] "Make your swords become like things unto chainsaws."
— Red Mage's Glorious Chainsaw Method 1008
Thief: Hey, quick question. Do you believe anything you say?
Red Mage: All of it. Without qualification. Except for this: given a very wide range of interpretations of both: the things I say and the meaning of the phrase 'all of it'.
Red Mage: All of it. Without qualification. Except for this: given a very wide range of interpretations of both: the things I say and the meaning of the phrase 'all of it'.
— 1027
Red Mage: So deep are we (within my A-hole) that Sarda will never find us no matter how thoroughly or how vigorously he probes. My A-hole.
Black Mage: Can you say things without talking? Is that... Can we do that? Please?
Black Mage: Can you say things without talking? Is that... Can we do that? Please?
— 1141
Sarda: I become more powerful with each passing moment.
Red Mage: Ah-Ha! Technically, every moment leaves you weaker than the next, so at every present moment, you're weaker than you'll ever be for the rest of your life! The time to strike is now!
Red Mage: Ah-Ha! Technically, every moment leaves you weaker than the next, so at every present moment, you're weaker than you'll ever be for the rest of your life! The time to strike is now!
— 1161
Red Mage [On the rest of the Light Warriors leaving him to be killed by Sarda]: I can't believe they'd just leave me like that.
Sarda: And I can't believe you're actually surprised.
Red Mage: I mean, okay. They always talk about doing this kind of thing. And then they go and do it. And then laugh about it. And then they watch as I get brutally hurt. And laugh about that too. A lot.
Sarda: And I can't believe you're actually surprised.
Red Mage: I mean, okay. They always talk about doing this kind of thing. And then they go and do it. And then laugh about it. And then they watch as I get brutally hurt. And laugh about that too. A lot.
— 1163
Black Mage [To Red Mage]: If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead.
— 1186
"Outlook not so good through the wholly fictional lens you view reality, Red Mage?"
— Black Mage, 1191
Thief
Thief [On the rest of the Light Warriors]: See, this is why I keep my mouth shut when we walk. If we talk, then we get nowhere. Fast.
White Mage: There is wisdom in your silence.
Thief: Yeah, if you treat them like equals, it'll only encourage them to think they are your equals.
White Mage: There is wisdom in your silence.
Thief: Yeah, if you treat them like equals, it'll only encourage them to think they are your equals.
— 290
Thief: Look, the truth is we're light warriors and we're not very good people.
— Thief sums up about half the comic 375
Thief: I believe in a free market.
Red Mage: How's that work?
Thief: Very well when you get to make the rules.
Red Mage: How's that work?
Thief: Very well when you get to make the rules.
— 415
[To Red Mage] "We have a saying where I come from. In your boorish, lackluster tongue, it would roughly translate... "Shut up, and give me all of your monies and fineries". Since I've already contractually ensured the monies, I request the shut up."
— 421
"We are simply here to collect the Orb of Fire. If you know where it is, I suggest you help us to attain it. Otherwise, your life may become immediately finite."
— 427
"It's a bad sign when your leader's whole exit strategy is to screw you."
—Red Mage, 623
[To Black Mage] "How else do you suggest [Dragoon] destroy the world's only hope for survival? Identify the real heroes, delay them, then join a band of easily duped rubes, become their leader, and trick them into questing across the world only to stab them all in the back at the last minute? At least, that's what I would do."
"I said 'hypothetically' right? Somewhere in there? No?"
— 913
[To Dragoon] "In certain respects, you are the worst dragon slayer here. Like, in the respect of killing a damn dragon."
— 929
[To the Dragon]"Look, it's a simple matter of pattern recognition. There are four orbs. We've come across three of them. Each was guarded by an incredible being that far outclassed us. We killed them. We killed them all. The king of death, The queen of fire, and a monster who eats universes[...]Now, I'm not saying we're going to kill you. I don't even know how we'd do it. I am saying that monsters with orbs have a way of dying when we're around them."
— 957
[To the Dragon]"Call my bluff, if you like. We're Light Warriors and Light Warriors get Orbs of Light. That's just the way it is. You can be alive or dead when it's done."
— 959
[On Red Mage] "He died as he lived: completely hated."
— 1026
[On Black Mage] "If his treachery would ever hurt someone more than himself, I'd have to stop him."
— 1032
"We're Light Warriors, dammit. I bet [Sarda] can't hurt us any worse than we hurt each other every day."
— 1173
Thief: Look at us now, we're not even fit to murder a hobo. How are we going to save the Aristocracy from the Poor?
Red Mage: You mean, 'The World from Destruction'.
Thief: That's what I said.
Red Mage: You mean, 'The World from Destruction'.
Thief: That's what I said.
— 1193
White Mage
Black Mage: Yo.
White Mage: You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death.
Black Mage: Flirt!
White Mage: You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death.
Black Mage: Flirt!
— 100
"Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he stops thinking conscious thoughts."
— 131
"Black Belt! Stop her with your violence."
— 470
[To Black Mage] "Death is not "funny", you miserable little pukestain of a worm! If I hear so much as an utterance on the subject of Black Belt, I will personally ensure that your life will be a series of wretched events that march you into an early (and shallow) grave."
— 481
White Mage: Black Belt! He, he died and it's all my fault, but you can help him!
Sarda: Naw.
Sarda: Naw.
— 492
"I am White Mage, a destroyer of worlds!"
— 865
Sarda
"I, gentlemen, am Sarda. And that makes me the Wizard Who Did It!"
— 421
"What I hate most about talking to you jerks is that I always know what you're going to say. Partly because I exist in six directions in time at once, but also you are all stupid."
— 982
"'Wizard'? Are you kidding me? Wizards do parlor tricks. I throttle the Heavens."
— 1087
Goddamn, what's it take to get you morons to kill each other, anyway?
I mean hello.
— 1118
Black Mage: That's messed up, Sarda.
Sarda: Oh? The thought of it kept me warm for billions of years.
Sarda: Oh? The thought of it kept me warm for billions of years.
— 1134
I am Sarda. And I am older than time. I possess power beyond mortal understanding. My plans will not be undone by such amateur hour horseshit as absorbing too much power and exploding. I am Sarda. My will be done.
— 1179
King Steve
Black Mage: How, in the ten thousand hells of the Great Lord Chaos, did a man of your grotesque stupidity become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world?
King Steve: Well, my dad was king, so now I'm king. But now that I think about it, genetics is not a very good system of determining executive power. Even the most capable and caring and beloved leader - much less my greedy, thieving dad - can have an incompetent son so mindbogglingly stupid that he could singlehandedly flush the world's greatest nation down the sewer before the populace at large has a chance to notice - which is exactly what the Cornerian press used to say about me before I decreed that it was the civic duty of the press to never ever question my rule which I then also decreed to be absolute and perfect. So now even thinking that I'm not a perfect benevolent leader is a crime. So now I can do crazy stuff like drill for mana in Endangered Species Forest. Weeee!
Red Mage: You don't actually drill for mana.
King Steve: We do now!
King Steve: Well, my dad was king, so now I'm king. But now that I think about it, genetics is not a very good system of determining executive power. Even the most capable and caring and beloved leader - much less my greedy, thieving dad - can have an incompetent son so mindbogglingly stupid that he could singlehandedly flush the world's greatest nation down the sewer before the populace at large has a chance to notice - which is exactly what the Cornerian press used to say about me before I decreed that it was the civic duty of the press to never ever question my rule which I then also decreed to be absolute and perfect. So now even thinking that I'm not a perfect benevolent leader is a crime. So now I can do crazy stuff like drill for mana in Endangered Species Forest. Weeee!
Red Mage: You don't actually drill for mana.
King Steve: We do now!
— 163
Princess Sara: Dad, your approval rating is slightly lower than a hole in the head.
King Steve: Oh, I'm sure they're exaggerating like the infinitely stupid morons they are.
Princess Sara: Well, the poll only had two choices. One, be ruled over by King Steve forever. Two, get a sword through your head. We lost 52% of the participants.
King Steve: Tough but fair.
King Steve: Oh, I'm sure they're exaggerating like the infinitely stupid morons they are.
Princess Sara: Well, the poll only had two choices. One, be ruled over by King Steve forever. Two, get a sword through your head. We lost 52% of the participants.
King Steve: Tough but fair.
— 345
King Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand?
Princess Sara: It's 400 years old, dad.
King Steve: Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.
Princess Sara: It's 400 years old, dad.
King Steve: Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.
— 362
[To Princess Sara] "As you know, I'm the world's foremost inventor, having invented inventing three years ago. (...)
This new holiday involves dressing up and going to your neighbor's houses to demand goods. Only there's just one costume: a Cornerian soldier. And we send about thirty thousand of them to our neighboring countries. And there are no tricks or treats, only rape and murder."
This new holiday involves dressing up and going to your neighbor's houses to demand goods. Only there's just one costume: a Cornerian soldier. And we send about thirty thousand of them to our neighboring countries. And there are no tricks or treats, only rape and murder."
— 619
Princess Sara: Now, like I asked before, how's the war going?
King Steve: Smashingly! We'll hammer pacifism into the elves if we have to kill them all to do it.
* Beat Panel*
Princess Sara: So, we're at war to spread pacifism now?
King Steve: Oh, yes. It works like a charm.
Princess Sara: How?!
King Steve: Well, corpses are remarkably non-violent.
King Steve: Smashingly! We'll hammer pacifism into the elves if we have to kill them all to do it.
* Beat Panel*
Princess Sara: So, we're at war to spread pacifism now?
King Steve: Oh, yes. It works like a charm.
Princess Sara: How?!
King Steve: Well, corpses are remarkably non-violent.
— 714
Other
"Life is funny. You start out with limitless potential, but time is always shaving away the possibilities. Every choice you make is the choice not to do a thousand other things. What's important, when all is said and done, is that you made a difference. Your choices, and everything undone, have to mean something. Otherwise, what was the point? I'm lucky that way. My path was already there. I had only to walk it. I often thought even if no one knew of the good I had done with my life, it didn't matter. That it was done is all that counts in the end. But then I died. And I hadn't gotten to do any of it yet."
— Black Belt, 471
Bahamut: Though I am the great dragon god king, I am versed in the manifold weaknesses of things such as yourselves.
Fighter: That's nice of you.
Bahamut: I know.
Fighter: That's nice of you.
Bahamut: I know.
— 571
[To Black Mage] "I can remember when your language was nothing but quaint little grunts and sneezes. That you will be slaughtered at my leisure is a foregone conclusion. So, go ahead and run your chubby little heart out."
— Muffin the dragon, 956
[To Thief] "You're an elf. Your history is a very long love poem dedicated to bloodshed. And to yourselves."
— Muffin, 959
The Dark Warriors
Garland: I found a quarter and I'm not asking if it belongs to anyone.
Bikke: That's plain mean. Yar. (...)
Bikke: That's plain mean. Yar. (...)
Bikke: Consider the lives of me crew to be forfeit.
Garland: I'm sure it won't come to that.
Bikke: It will if I says it will.
Garland: I'm sure it won't come to that.
Bikke: It will if I says it will.
— 208
Drizz'l: We don't have to take this [i.e. Princess Sara's insults]. We have our dignity.
Bikke: Ye be speakin' for yeself, elfy!
Garland: A meal that costs my dignity is still free.
* Beat Panel*
Drizz'l: I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends.
Bikke: Ye be speakin' for yeself, elfy!
Garland: A meal that costs my dignity is still free.
* Beat Panel*
Drizz'l: I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends.
— 364
[To Bikke] "You sadden me with your relentless incompetence."
— Drizz'l, 505
"This is a temple dedicated to evil. It's built on the desecrated ancient burial ground where other more ancient desecrated burial grounds went when they got evil stuff built all over them. The architect was a necromancer and the contractor was in the eldritch mafia. Which together explains how the corpses from all the desecrated burial grounds were animated to build the temple using their own remains as the masonry. Frankly, we'll be lucky if the architecture is only sentient. It could also be filled with rage. Or crazy."
— Drizz'l, 996
Bikke: Piracy be steeped in the Democratic process.
Driz'zl: Aren't pirates gangs of murdering bastards who are barely kept in line by threats of unthinkable cruelty by their captains?
Bikke: That's right, Democracy. They says what they wants to do, then we do what I wants to do because I gots the power what be Veto.
Driz'zl: ...This 'Veto'. It's a plank, isn't it?
Bikke: Aye!
Driz'zl: Aren't pirates gangs of murdering bastards who are barely kept in line by threats of unthinkable cruelty by their captains?
Bikke: That's right, Democracy. They says what they wants to do, then we do what I wants to do because I gots the power what be Veto.
Driz'zl: ...This 'Veto'. It's a plank, isn't it?
Bikke: Aye!
— 1019
The Other Warriors
Red Mage: [On Berserker] His veins are filled with rage and his bones are made out of calcium and murder. He's a dangerous psycho who should-
Berserker: Hello. 579
Dialogue
Black Mage: Should I be worried, impressed, or insulted that you could so easily imagine me as a pretty unicorn princess?
Red Mage: Well, the resemblance is remarkable, actually. 226
—
Thief: BM, you don't want to use your Hadoken attack so soon.
Thief: Okay, you shouldn't use your Hadoken so soon. 247
—
Black Mage [commenting on Thief attacking Astos]: It's good of Thief to volunteer us all for death like this.
Fighter: Y'know, I bet we'd have a chance if we just helped out.
Black Mage: Eh, I guess, but it's so much easier to just stand back and criticize. 252
—
Red Mage: Thief's right. Playing the blame game won't help.
Black Mage: Oh, but one quick round won't hurt. Watch: It's Thief's fault. I win. 267
—
Fighter: Guys, did you hear that? Drizz'l the dark elf captured us and he wants to fight!
Black Mage: Drizz'l, eh? Whats he gonna do? Cloud up and rain all over you?
Fighter: I sure hope he isn't upgraded to the dark elf Trop'kal St'orm. We might be in trouble then!
Black Mage: His momma's so fat, they named her hurricane Fat'ass!
Thief: I'll have you know 'Drizz'l' roughly translates to 'The Relentless Scourge'.
Black Mage: Yeah, like the relentless scourge of having a really stupid name. 274
—
Black Mage: Just once I'd like to go a day without being doomed.
Red Mage: It would be a nice change of pace. 284
—
Red Mage: Once we return the crown, we can finally get back to our real quest for Matoya's crystal eye thingie.
White Mage: You mean your real quest to save the world.
* Beat Panel*
White Mage: Chaos. The Demon King. Lord of Evil. Emperor of Lies. Commissioner of the Damned. Any of this ring a bell?
Black Mage: Eh, I don't keep up with local elections really. 290
—
Black Mage: If this is the right place, then we will be completely justified in slaughtering the occupants within. If it isn't, it'll be a practice session. As we all know, practice sessions don't count, so we'll be absolved of any alleged crimes.
Red Mage: But you're going to kill them even if they're innocent.
Black Mage: And it's practice, so it won't count.
Red Mage: But they'll be dead.
Black Mage: Hey, they knew the risks when they took the job.
Red Mage: Job?! Risks?! You're a mass murdering psycho!
* Beat Panel*
Black Mage: If you think about it, that's really their problem. 367
Red Mage: But you're going to kill them even if they're innocent.
Black Mage: And it's practice, so it won't count.
Red Mage: But they'll be dead.
Black Mage: Hey, they knew the risks when they took the job.
Red Mage: Job?! Risks?! You're a mass murdering psycho!
* Beat Panel*
Black Mage: If you think about it, that's really their problem. 367
—
Vilbert von Vampire: Ready?
Red Mage: I was born ready.
Fighter: I was born naked and screaming.
Black Mage: And if all goes according to plan, you'll die that way too. 373
Red Mage: I was born ready.
Fighter: I was born naked and screaming.
Black Mage: And if all goes according to plan, you'll die that way too. 373
—
Vilbert and Red Mage: Rock, paper, scissors, match!
Vilbert: Rock!
Red Mage: Natural twenty, double damage, I win.
Vilbert: I... don't think that's how it works.
Red Mage: Natural twenty trumps all. Show me something that beats a natural twenty, and I'll show you hateful lies! (...)
Vilbert: It's just that there is no natural twenty in rock, paper, scissors.
Red Mage: That's the sort of thing they should've worked out in the beta. Sadly for you, they did not. Advantage: Red Mage! 373
Vilbert: Rock!
Red Mage: Natural twenty, double damage, I win.
Vilbert: I... don't think that's how it works.
Red Mage: Natural twenty trumps all. Show me something that beats a natural twenty, and I'll show you hateful lies! (...)
Vilbert: It's just that there is no natural twenty in rock, paper, scissors.
Red Mage: That's the sort of thing they should've worked out in the beta. Sadly for you, they did not. Advantage: Red Mage! 373
—
Thief: It appears that our usual strategies aren't working, RM.
Red Mage: You mean bungle around and let White Mage sort it out?
Thief: That's not how I'd characterize it, but only because of my tremendous ego. (...)
Lich: You cannot hide forever.
Red Mage: Oh, you'd be suprised what cowardice has done for us so far. 389
—
Black Mage: When I look back at my life, I can't help but see an inevitable chain of events.
Red Mage: That's ridiculous.
Black Mage: Do you believe there could have been any other outcome than this?
Red Mage: That's not how it works. There is no grand story to history. Things just happen. It's the act of looking back on it that interposes a sense of narrative.
Black Mage: And yet here we are, just as we were always going to be. Doesn't that drive you mad? Don't you hate yourself for it? For never having seen it coming until now? Every little thing is so painfully obvious now, isn't it? Now that it's too late, you have all the answers, don't you?
Red Mage: It's not too late.
Black Mage: It is for some people.
Red Mage: Are you trying to goad me?
Black Mage: You know it's going to end here.
Red Mage: Just like it was always going to, right?
Black Mage: I don't get it. What's that jerk [Ranger] got that I ain't.
White Mage: You mean besides a grasp of grammar?
Black Mage: Me talk good!
White Mage: Well, let's see. He knows the difference between right and wrong. Morals. A complete understanding of the theories and practical applications of personal hygiene. Friends. A face. The respect of his peers.
Black Mage: Hey! I have friends. [Beat] I have a friend.
White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse.
Black Mage: Right, a friend.
White Mage: See that, that right here. That's what's wrong with you. [Walks away]
Black Mage: Dammit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend.
Fighter: I'm horrible! 439
—
Red Mage: Okay, there's a group of monsters ahead. Beyond them lies the chamber wherein the Orb of Fire is contained.
Black Mage: How can you be sure?
Red Mage: What do you mean? I'm sure of everything I say!
Black Mage (to himself): Oh no you don't, brain. You stay. 463
Black Mage: How can you be sure?
Red Mage: What do you mean? I'm sure of everything I say!
Black Mage (to himself): Oh no you don't, brain. You stay. 463
—
Black Mage: Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?
Fighter: When you gotta do somethin' wrong, you gotta do it right! 464
—
Black Mage: You ever get the feeling that the Universe is a vast, impersonal emptiness that exists only to hurt you?
Red Mage: Yes. It's how we know the DM is doing his job. 543
—
Ranger: Your deceptions will not work on me, oh Crimsoned Wizard.
Red Mage: Lies are all I have, really.
Black Mage: (Pinned to a tree by arrows) By the way, ignoring me is really stuck up of you, and I'd know it. Seriously though, I'm not so narrow minded to hold that against you guys.
Red Mage: Lies and vaudeville. 592
—
Black Mage: And what can we expect to find here?
Red Mage: An assortment of horrors that will peel back sheet of sanity coating this world from the other and you babbling and empty.
Black Mage: So, same crap, different day?
Red Mage: I like my way better.
—
Giant Zombie Dragon: You must be more than the sum of your parts. You must transcend individuality. You must each become the other. Only in this way will you defeat the final ordeal set before you.
Black Mage: Oh, God dammit. I knew this whole thing was going to turn into a hippy love-in friendship hug-a-thon.
Red Mage: So what is the final ordeal? 'Cause if it's liking each other, we are boned.
Giant Zombie Dragon: The ordeal of defeating a Giant Zombie Dragon, natch!
Fighter: I like you guys. 621
Black Mage: Oh, God dammit. I knew this whole thing was going to turn into a hippy love-in friendship hug-a-thon.
Red Mage: So what is the final ordeal? 'Cause if it's liking each other, we are boned.
Giant Zombie Dragon: The ordeal of defeating a Giant Zombie Dragon, natch!
Fighter: I like you guys. 621
—
Thief: I have come to a realization. Dragons are not real in a general sense, but they may exist in certain specific cases.
Fighter: Like how quantum mechanics describes how subatomic particles can spontaneously pop into existence at random!
Thief: No, that's stupid and stop making up words. 634
Fighter: Like how quantum mechanics describes how subatomic particles can spontaneously pop into existence at random!
Thief: No, that's stupid and stop making up words. 634
—
Red Mage: You're going to slice Black Mage out of there with surgeon-like precision. Right?
Fighter: Right. Assuming surgeons are those guys who hack at trees with chainsaws. 659
—
Black Mage [On a monster the Light Warriors encountered]: Anything that ugly wants to die.
Fighter: Aww. I think he's cute.
Black Mage: You said that about every monster so far!
Fighter: But lookit 'im. He's so fat. Kinda like you, Black Mage. And that weasel-like expression. You know he's needlessly antagonistic to the other fat little monsters to compensate for his poor self-image. Like you, Black Mage!
Black Mage: I was wrong. Anything that ugly wants you to die. 665
—
Thief: Where's Red Mage?
Black Mage: He's diligently working to get us off this island. (...)
Thief: You know he's Red Mage, right? We'll be lucky if he doesn't destroy the island and claim success because we're no longer on it. 673
—
Red Mage: Behold the fruits of Genius!
Black Mage: I'll behold anything as long as your pants stay on. 676
—
Black Mage: Do we have any idea where we're going?
Fighter: Of course. The sea shrine, duh.
Black Mage: You could have said 'Valhalla' and that'd be an equally useless answer because we don't know where that is either. 723
Fighter: Of course. The sea shrine, duh.
Black Mage: You could have said 'Valhalla' and that'd be an equally useless answer because we don't know where that is either. 723
—
Thief: Since things can't possibly get any worse, Red Mage, we turn to you.
Red Mage: Prepare to be proven wrong! 753
—
Thief: If he was still in the forest, I'd know it and he'd be dead, and I'd have our money back, and then I'd come here and lie about it.
Black Mage: So how do I know that you're not lying now?
Thief: Have fun figuring that out.
Fighter: Ooh, ooh ooh! I can do this easy!
Black Mage: Why? Why have you done this to me?
Thief: You tried to kill me. A lot and often.
Black Mage: Clearly, I didn't kill you enough. 780
Black Mage: So how do I know that you're not lying now?
Thief: Have fun figuring that out.
Fighter: Ooh, ooh ooh! I can do this easy!
Black Mage: Why? Why have you done this to me?
Thief: You tried to kill me. A lot and often.
Black Mage: Clearly, I didn't kill you enough. 780
—
Red Mage: How can we be sure Black Mage survived [being shot from the cannon]?
Jeff: Survived? Well, uh. You don't know he didn't survive.
Fighter: That proves he's okay, me next!
Red Mage: Hold it. I'll need more proof than a logical fallacy.
Jeff: Okay. In a recent poll, it was found that 100% of Jeffs were very handsome and thought that Black Mage survived. Why don't you? Is it because you're ugly?
Red Mage: That's enough logical fallacies to convince me. Black Mage is fine. 784
—
Black Mage: Yeah, we've got an idiom too.
Fighter: Hiya.
Black Mage: Idiom. I said idiom.
Fighter: Idiot, Black Mage. It is pronounced 'idiot'.
Black Mage: .... 805
Fighter: Hiya.
Black Mage: Idiom. I said idiom.
Fighter: Idiot, Black Mage. It is pronounced 'idiot'.
Black Mage: .... 805
—
Thief: We start a nice, friendly conversation. Then, bam, the mugging.
Black Mage: And then urinating.
* Beat Panel*
Black Mage: What? I gotta go!
Thief: And, what, do you need a victim?
Black Mage: It just feels like I'm wasting my time if someone isn't hurt. 806
—
Black Mage [on Red Mage]: Why do we listen to Dork Mage? What has he ever done for us that worked?
Fighter: He makes a killer salad.
Thief: He's a wiz at laundry too. Look how clean my little ninja booties are.
Black Mage: Yes, okay, fine. But salads and footwear do not decisive tactical thinking make! What's he ever done for us that was of any actual value?
Red Mage: My strategems defeated all three Fiends thus far faced, and I'm the one who discovered how our class changes work.
* Beat Panel (BM is clearly enraged) *
Black Mage: Today. What has he done for us today!
Thief: He's pissed you off, that's always aces in my book. 812
—
Red Mage: Okay. I'm tired of misunderstandings we keep having with these people, so we're going to try something new.
Black Mage: This thing where we haven't already killed everyone here? That's something new, and I do not approve.
Red Mage: That was just a fluke... that never stopped. 823
—
Red Mage: What happened to us? Sidequests used to fall into our laps. Now everyone mistakes us for clowns or perverts.
Black Mage: Well, to be fair, that's not so much incorrect as imprecise. 824
—
"Legitimate Businessman": There were warning vis a vis your that your legs would be very broken should you not come back alone.
Fighter: [sadly] Aw, Kicky and Standy? But I love those guys. 827
Fighter: [sadly] Aw, Kicky and Standy? But I love those guys. 827
—
Black Mage: If [the law-ninjas] were dead, how did they know when to deploy? Hell, how have they been following us?
Thief: They are exceptionally well trained. 846
Thief: They are exceptionally well trained. 846
—
Fighter: {sees a pile of dead guards} Why are these people sleeping?
Black Mage: Er, uh, because they are tired?
Fighter: {sees a pile of burning Law Ninja} Why are these people on fire?
Black Mage: Ah.
Red Mage: {whispering} You are the worst mass murderer I have ever met.
Thief: {whispering} Seriously, hiding the bodies is as important as the murder.
Black Mage: Um, they were cold? 850
—
Black Mage: I'm so mad I could... I could... I could... Tinkle! Excuse me.
Thief: Okay, what's worse? That anger makes him urinate, or that he calls it tinkle?
Red Mage: With Black Mage, it's really a menagerie of horrors. I can't even keep track any more.
Black Mage: Die, Ants, Die!
Thief: Is he...
Red Mage: He likes to have victims.
Thief: It must take a tremendous amount of energy to be that unnecessarily creepy.
Black Mage: I killed things. I feel better.
Thief: Big deal, they were bugs.
Black Mage: Putting them on your level, yes.
Red Mage: Just promise to murder me with your pants on.
Black Mage: I promise nothing. 878
—
Red Mage: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think we may have doomed all creation.
Black Mage: We're ahead of schedule or...? 917
—
Red Mage: Well, look, [Muffin] doesn't suspect anything. We can all rush in there and slay her face off. She won't know what hit her. Dragons are slow lumbering beasts.
Dragoon: Oh, heavens no. Dragons are as the wind! They can only be considered slow if you completely ignore objective reality.
Red Mage: Done! Who's with me? 921
—
Thief: Red Mage, this is the worst plan yet in your lifetime filled with nothing but the worst plans.
Red Mage: It will work, I guarantee it!
Black Mage: It starts at the impossible before moving on to the even more impossibler.
Red Mage: Precisely! 941
—
Black Mage: I'm the caster, y'know! It's like I'm a cannon made out of glass. Like a... Y'know, like a dainty figurine so ornately decorated you can't image how something so fragile manages to exist in this brutal, ugly world... And it makes you weep. I've got something in my eye! [Runs away]
Red Mage: I... would've just stuck with glass cannon, probably.
Thief: That was weirder than it had to be.
Red Mage: And yet, par for the course. 977
Red Mage: I... would've just stuck with glass cannon, probably.
Thief: That was weirder than it had to be.
Red Mage: And yet, par for the course. 977
—
Stone Dragon: Blarg! I'm a dragon!
Stone Dragons: Or twelve!
Red Mage: Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen!
Stone Dragons: Fuck you.
Red Mage: Run. 1003
Stone Dragons: Or twelve!
Red Mage: Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen!
Stone Dragons: Fuck you.
Red Mage: Run. 1003
—
Red Mage: So, we're surrounded by dragons.
Thief: On the bright side, as a ninja, I can just be outta here.
Black Mage: Yeah, that helps the team.
Thief: It helps part of the team.
Fighter: That is totally true! 1007
Thief: On the bright side, as a ninja, I can just be outta here.
Black Mage: Yeah, that helps the team.
Thief: It helps part of the team.
Fighter: That is totally true! 1007
—
Thief: Turns out the Dark Warriors and the fiends want us dead.
Red Mage: What?
Thief: Yeah, I don't get it either. Something about revenge for ruining their lives forever.
Sarda: It's my fault you people kill and cheat your way through your miserable lives?
Thief: Killing and cheating is all we're good at.
Black Mage: And infighting. 1136
—
Red Mage: We have to put aside our hatred and overriding desire to destroy one another and work together!
Thief: That's easy. Suppressing that stuff is the only way we've gotten through every single day since we met. 1138
—
Red Mage: Would you rather be killed by Sarda or by your beloved friends?
Black Mage: Neither! Also, I hate you guys.
Red Mage: Hate is a kind of love. 1144
Black Mage: Neither! Also, I hate you guys.
Red Mage: Hate is a kind of love. 1144
—
Thief [On Red Mage's plan to defeat Sarda]: Well, ignoring the highly suspect part where Fighter can block ethereal energy... and the more suspect part where you have to cast every spell at once... and the grossly suspect part where I have to dodge explosions while I'm in them... there's the most suspect part of all where Black Mage can hit what he wants to.
Black Mage: I get eager.
Red Mage: Doubting every step of the plan is no reason to doubt the plan itself.
Thief: No, it's the best reason to doubt it.
Red Mage: Look, so much can go wrong before the thing you're most worried about has a chance to go wrong that it's not even worth worrying about, is it? 1148
—
Thief: I completely, seriously intend to do my part. To kill you all.
Red Mage: Oh, Black Mage. Stop gawking. It's just a speech impediment, not a second head growing out of his neck.
Black Mage: Telling the truth isn't a speech impediment, Red Mage.
Red Mage: But it kinda is with us. 1159
—
Sarda: I was going to give you the illusion of a fighting chance, but now I'd rather your final moments were ones of complete despair.
Black Mage: Mission accomplished, Sarda!
Sarda: I haven't done it yet.
Black Mage: Oh. Fuck. 1172
—
Red Mage: The idea was that we could delay the final battle until we leveled back up, when actually we'd just ignore Chaos until the heat death of the Universe. And then, y'know, not our problem. But then he argued me down from infinity to 24 hours.
Black Mage: That's less than ideal.
Red Mage: He had a better bargaining position since he's all-powerful.
Black Mage: Excuses, excuses. 1187
—
Thief: If we already had a real faerie, then why would we tear its wings off only to glue them on a baby that we'd have to steal?
Black Mage: To inflict the most harm in the least time, duh. 1190
Black Mage: To inflict the most harm in the least time, duh. 1190
—
Red Mage: Maybe we're trying too hard.
Thief: We've never done that and you goddamn know it. 1192
—
Black Mage: What I learned today is that really old wizards don't get that way by being easy to kill.
Thief: So, you didn't get any spells?
Black Mage: In the sense that getting stabbed gives you a blade, man I got spells.
Thief: Okay. I trust tweedledum and tweedleugly are done wasting our time?
Red Mage: Which—
Thief: Sshh. It doesn't matter. Let's take a walk on the thief side. 1201
Thief: So, you didn't get any spells?
Black Mage: In the sense that getting stabbed gives you a blade, man I got spells.
Thief: Okay. I trust tweedledum and tweedleugly are done wasting our time?
Red Mage: Which—
Thief: Sshh. It doesn't matter. Let's take a walk on the thief side. 1201
—
Red Mage: I can't decide if this is unfair or exactly what we deserve for being, well y'know, us.
Thief: Technically, we're just riding a wave to its inevitable crash. It's the whole rest of the world that's getting unfairly punished. 1210
Thief: Technically, we're just riding a wave to its inevitable crash. It's the whole rest of the world that's getting unfairly punished. 1210
—
Fighter: Y'know what we should do?
Black Mage: Oh, this'll be good! What? What should we do?
Fighter: We never did find that Armor of Invincibility... 1225/Epilogue, final lines of the comic
Black Mage: Oh, this'll be good! What? What should we do?
Fighter: We never did find that Armor of Invincibility... 1225/Epilogue, final lines of the comic
Brian Clevinger
Cop out and let down? Anyone surprised the Light Warriors had their hopes dashed demonstrates an amazing ability to miss a point made over 1,200 times.
8-bit Theater was a webcomic by Brian Clevinger (hi) that ran from 2001 to 2009. It was about four murder hobos pretending to be heroes of destiny who were foretold to save the world from a great evil, but it turns out they're the great evil.
Actually, that's not canonical, just implied over and over. What the hell, it's 2021, you can't stop me, IT'S CANONICAL NOW.
Anyway. 8BT was a hit of early 2000s webcomicry, so it was about video games. Superficially, it was about Final Fantasy released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. But, slightly deeper than superficially, it was about video games as a whole, tabletop gaming, nerd stuff generally, film, history, philosophy, politics, a lot of cartoonish ultra-violence, and thousands of art crimes that made it impossible to ever print. Until now!
Readers have asked about a print edition for year and years. What I usually tell them is that I don't want to get sued by the brilliant and attractive lawyers at Square-Enix because that distracts from the fact that I rather idiotically produced every single page at 72dpi. For those of you who aren't in publishing: generally speaking you want at least 300dpi for print. So, even if we could print them we can't print them.
But what we can do is make a complete script book compendium (no sprites do not sue) containing freshly typed scripts for all 1,224 comics and the Epilogue! But that's not all. I'm fixing typos and grammar, messing up new typos and grammer, producing all-new commentary, including behind-the-scenes tidbits, adding insights into my process, and tucking extra jokes into the panel descriptions!
In short it's the ultimate 8-bit Theater print collection. And this is YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO GET IT. We're limiting the print run to whatever you folks buy. I mean, we'll make a few extra to account for potential shipping mishaps because that's gonna happen to someone. BUT IF YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW THEN YOU NEVER WILL! Think of it like an NFT without the forest fire.
Actually, that's not canonical, just implied over and over. What the hell, it's 2021, you can't stop me, IT'S CANONICAL NOW.
Anyway. 8BT was a hit of early 2000s webcomicry, so it was about video games. Superficially, it was about Final Fantasy released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. But, slightly deeper than superficially, it was about video games as a whole, tabletop gaming, nerd stuff generally, film, history, philosophy, politics, a lot of cartoonish ultra-violence, and thousands of art crimes that made it impossible to ever print. Until now!
Readers have asked about a print edition for year and years. What I usually tell them is that I don't want to get sued by the brilliant and attractive lawyers at Square-Enix because that distracts from the fact that I rather idiotically produced every single page at 72dpi. For those of you who aren't in publishing: generally speaking you want at least 300dpi for print. So, even if we could print them we can't print them.
But what we can do is make a complete script book compendium (no sprites do not sue) containing freshly typed scripts for all 1,224 comics and the Epilogue! But that's not all. I'm fixing typos and grammar, messing up new typos and grammer, producing all-new commentary, including behind-the-scenes tidbits, adding insights into my process, and tucking extra jokes into the panel descriptions!
In short it's the ultimate 8-bit Theater print collection. And this is YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO GET IT. We're limiting the print run to whatever you folks buy. I mean, we'll make a few extra to account for potential shipping mishaps because that's gonna happen to someone. BUT IF YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW THEN YOU NEVER WILL! Think of it like an NFT without the forest fire.
—20th Anniversary Book Kickstarter
Kickstarter