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Characters / Zoofights

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Expect some unmarked spoilers. It is recommended to avoid opening folders if you haven't read the corresponding story and want every fight winner to be a secret.

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    Zoofights I 

The contestants for Zoofights 1 were not given names initially, although several of them received names towards the end. Most of them are therefore referred to with Meaningful Names, except when a Fan Nickname takes hold.

Ten Gibbons With Clubs For Arms / Four Gibbons With Spring Legs And Egg Whisks For Arms / Devil Gibbon

Six Lions On Roller Skates With Cannons For Asses/Two Flying Lions With Cyborg Torsos/Lion Head On A Motorbike

  • Cool Bike: With a lion's head on it!
  • King of Beasts: They are lions, but that said they never win a single battle in any of their iterations, so kings they are not.
  • Kill It with Fire: Lion's Head On A Motorbike is equipped with flamethrowers.
  • Recoil Boost: The cannon is used primarily as a propulsion tool rather than a weapon.
  • Rocket Jump: Subverted horribly for the first iteration, who can pull this off... at the cost of their lower body.
  • Rollerblade Good: The first batch has had their claws replaced with rollerblades. How "good" this is is debatable, since lions normally use primarily their claws to maim prey.

A Thousand Rats / 200 Mutant Rats / 200 Zombie Rats


  • Fartillery: Gained the ability to spew flames out of its ass.
  • Incendiary Exponent: It's not just a rhinoceros, it's a rhinoceros that is on fire.
  • Kill It with Fire
  • Man on Fire: Although the flames don't damage it, it still feels the heat, leading to some unpredictable behavior. Played straight with his third iteration. He wouldn't stop whining about Mechos so the Zoofights team got sick and tired of him and made him a skeleton out of wood and made his fire hurt him too.
  • Sore Loser: Wouldn't stop complaining after its loss to Mechos. This led to the Zoofights crew rebuilding him with a wooden skeleton and flames that hurt him as well as his opponents.
  • Wreathed in Flames: Has a fiery aura.
  • Rhino Rampage: Naturally.
  • The Rival: Fashioned itself one to Mechos.

Three Flying Tiger Sharks

Team Cheetah / The Steed of The Savannah

The comedic entry, Team Cheetah initially consisted of twenty cheetahs whose only special ability was to shoot off their heads at opponents. Of course, after shooting the head, the body dies from blood loss.

Giant Squid Holding Ten Melee Weapons / Mechos and the Red Banana / Mechos and Darth Gorilla / Weapons Platform Mechos and Darth Gorilla

Mechos, the giant squid, and his battle brother Red Banana the gorilla are generally recognized as the champions of Zoofights 1 - although there was no clear winner, the two are are among the most popular and remembered characters of the original tournament, and only Swanmass is more recognized.

  • Badass Cape: Red Banana has one as Darth Gorilla.
  • Badass Preacher: Mechos is deeply religious and his motto is "Allah Akhbar". He is no Knight Templar though, actually being very peaceful by nature.
  • Breakout Character: Among the most popular characters from Zoofights 1. All of their battles were incredibly memorable and often emotional.
  • Combat Tentacles: Originally Mechos used them to wield melee weapons, but after the first battle chose to forsake weaponry to fight with his bare tentacles.
  • Cultured Badass: A gentleman and philosopher who is also a giant squid with a shitton of weapons.
  • Defeat Equals Friendship: Mechos refused to kill the last gorilla from the team that faced him in round 1. Henceforth, the gorilla became his friend and partner, and the two of them saves each others’ lives several times as the tournament progressed.
  • Defiant to the End: Red Banana stood unyielding before Mechos even when it became clear he had no hope to win.
  • Determinator: Mechos pressed through a hail of gatling fire tearing through his chainmail and half of his tentacles being severed to claim victory over the Gorillas. And that was just his first fight of the tournament.
  • Fire-Forged Friends: Mechos and Red Banana.
  • Gatling Good: Red Banana went back to wielding his gatling gun for the finale.
  • Heroic Willpower: Both Mechos and Red Banana have this in spades.
  • Martial Pacifist: Mechos.
  • Multi-Armed and Dangerous: Eight tentacles, and each of them wields a different weapon to tear enemies apart. Mechos lost all but two tentacles as the tournament progressed.
  • Multi-Melee Master: Able to wield eight different weapons proficiently!
  • Powered Armor: Red Banana requires one to keep himself alive after the second fight.
  • Psycho Serum: The Zoofights company tries to keep Mechos' pacifism at bay with a cocktail of nasty drugs. Keyword here is "tries".
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Red Banana is the red oni, being more aggressive and focusing on offense. Mechos is the blue, being calm and mostly focused on defense.
  • Reluctant Warrior: Mechos is actually peaceful by nature. Zoofights tries to suppress this, but it doesn't seem to work all that well.
    The squid may at times exhibit such bizarre and depraved qualities as mercy, forgiveness and even peacefulness. That is of course why we keep him as high as a kite on a horrendous cocktail of amphetamines and hallucinogens, but the danger is still there.
  • Shout-Out: Darth Gorilla.
  • Super Strength: Enough to bend a gatling gun or to break a rhinoceros' spine.
  • The Hero: Mechos could be seen as one for the tournament.
  • We Can Rebuild Him: Red Banana after the battle against the Firenoceros.

Cosmonaut Gorillas With A Gatling Gun/Zombie Gorillas/Sega Gorillesis

Although hailing from various countries was a staple of later stories, in Zoofights 1 only a few entrants used their home country to provide character. The Cosmonaut Gorillas were one example, hailing from Russia. Over the course of the tournament they were beaten up worse and worse until what was left was "nailed together into a roughly apelike form" and given a Sega Genesis for a head, resulting in the Royal Rumble Winner and Sega Gorillesis.

  • Shout-Out: Numerous Genesis games are mentioned over the course of Gorillesis' appearances.

Two Elephants On Tank Tracks / Tankophant / Hulkaphant / Hulkaphant Plus

The other finalist of Zoofights I, Hulkaphant stands alongside Mechos and the Red Banana as an undefeated survivor of Zoofights 1.

Nine Gazelles With Club Arms On Their Backs / Four Gazelles With Trident Arms and Helicopter Blades On Their Heads / Gazellocopter Vampire

Three Hippos With Laser Eyes / A Whole Lotta 'Potamus

Ten Swans With Gorilla Arms / Swanmass / Super Swanmass

The most (in)famous of all Zoofights 1 combatants, the villain of Zoofights 1 started out as a relatively harmless-looking gang of ten swans with gorilla arms. After they lost in a Curb-Stomp Battle to the Laser-Eyed Hippos, though, the Zoofights team reanimated them for the Loser's League by "scooping up all the swan parts into a pile, turning on every machine in the area, and hiding behind a steel barricade with crucifixes". The ensuing Swanmass is a "heaving, quivering mass of necrotic swan flesh, groping along the ground in a fleshy cataclysm of beaks and hands. It's like a sea anemone from your darkest nightmares." Swanmass lives only to consume, and if left unchecked will absorb every living being on the planet into itself...

  • The Assimilator: Swanmass eats everything and incorporates the useful traits of any creature it consumes into itself.
  • Big Bad: Of Zoofights in general.
  • Body Horror: It's a horrifying necrotic mass with 20 gorilla arms and 10 swan heads. It only gets worse from there.
  • Breakout Character: Nobody could have guessed that a group of gorilla-armed swans would go on to become the Big Bad of the series.
  • Create Your Own Villain: The Zoofights team is to blame for this one. They didn't know how to reanimate the shredded remains of the swans for the Losers' League, so they just fused them all together.
  • Eldritch Abomination: While it's scientific in origin rather than supernatural, it might as well be one.
  • Feathered Fiend: Goddamned swans. Just being aggressive, hissing, biting bastards was not enough for them, was it?
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: This monstrous thing started out as a gang of swans with gorilla arms who were slaughtered in their first fight.
  • Fusion Dance: The result of 10 gorilla-armed swans getting fused into a single monstrosity.
  • Gone Horribly Wrong
    Major Failure: Please God let it die. For all of our sakes. We're sorry.
  • Muck Monster: A necrotic pile of decaying flesh which incorporates swan heads, gorilla arms, and parts of whatever it has consumed.
  • Nuke 'em: Destroyed in a nuclear explosion caused by 12000 radioactive jetpack tarantulas. Only not quite.
  • Power Copying: If Swanmass absorbs something, except parts of that something - usually the deadliest parts - to show up as part of the Swanmass.
  • Staying Alive
  • Swans A-Swimming: The beauty and grace of the swans was not really a focus even in their first iteration, and it only went downhill from there.
  • The Dreaded: Even the Zoofights company, which routinely turns animals into monsters For Science! but mostly for the lulz, is deathly afraid of this thing and will try to deny its existance whenever possible. When impossible, too.

Wheeled Dolphins

Seven Enhanced Pigs Riding In a Bacon Tank / Porky Punisher

The pigs were all too aware of their modifications. "Upon seconds of a match commensing, the pigs begin convulsing and screaming with self-loathing". They then commit suicide with their pistols, forcing a new batch to be bred, or the corpses to be re-animated. Not the best idea Zoofights ever had.

  • Funny Animal
  • Took a Level in Badass - The pigs lose their first match when they commit suicide. But one survives, the soft bacon tank collapsing and preventing him from shooting himself. After enduring "the living hell of being entombed" with his dead brothers in a tank made from pig corpses, a "seriously angry pig" emerges from the wreckage and gets some significant upgrades, becoming Porky Punisher, a pig wearing Master Chief-style armor and armed with a Desert Eagle handgun. His ensuing wave of support made him a serious Ensemble Darkhorse. He even survived the tournament!

200 Radioactive Tarantulas with Jetpacks

Three Firebreathing Frogs The Size And Shape of Sylvester Stallone / Cancerman

  • Blessed with Suck
    Major Failure: He can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but his bones break upon landing. He can shoot webs, but they're usually speckled with his own blood. Poor bastard.
  • Kill It with Fire
  • The Woobie: They're portrayed as hilariously pitiable, especially when the last surviving frog gets cancer. Winds up getting invoked in-universe when even the normally heartless Zoofights Inc takes pity on him and allows him to quit a hopeless fight with Swanmass instead of leaving him to die.

John Burnell

Retired police chief John Burnell, from America’s Scariest Police Chases! He appears near the end of Zoofights 1 to battle Sega Gorillesis in an exhibition match, but soon winds up joining Mechos, Hulkaphant, and Porky Punisher in the final battle against Swanmass.


    Zoofights II 

Team Chainjaw

Bee Unit

Kings Of Canada / Sergeant Grumbles

A pair of cowardly Canadian bears dressed like Mounties.

  • Lovable Coward: The bears were utterly terrified of their first opponent. Sergeant Grumbles grows out of this by Round 2, though.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Sergeant Grumbles swallowd his fear and became a stone-cold badass.

The Shark Brothers

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? The Shark Brothers are four clones of the late Owen Hart, with the head and arms replaced with shark heads. A fourth shark head is planted in the chest, for a total of sixteen shark heads.

Hive Lions

The Hive Lions are a team of lions that fight as one, brainwashed to act as a hivemind via servers planted on increasingly-ridiculous otherwise-normal animals. They start off by relying on an armored but ordinary giant tortoise, and later upgrades spread the control out to swarms of smaller animals.


Mr. Atlantic

This brute is a killer whale with ogre limbs. He was maimed horribly in the first round, but went on a tear in the Loser's League.

Owl Patrol

One of the most mysterious zoofighters ever, Owl Patrol began life as 80 human beings. Once survivors of the Vietnam War, these shellshocked veterans were subjected to horrific experiments as Zoofights Inc slowly turned them into owl-men. Even Zoofights was disturbed at what they created, and decided to release them in the hope that they'd never pop up again. 30 years later, they did. Investigating reports of missing people, Zoofights representatives ventured into a mysterious cave and discovered that 20 members of Owl Patrol still lived.

Major Failure: What we found, after four days of fruitless searching and our men being dragged screaming into tiny passages beneath the earth, was pure zoofights gold: 20 survivors of the Owl Patrol Project, still dressed in khaki rags, clutching rusted, jagged fragments of rifle parts and caked in three decades of blood, filth and horror. We had finally created the most insane organisms on the planet.

The Institution

This entrant is a team of orangutans, riding various other animals into battle.

The End

The Russian entrant. The End is a swarm of 200 lobsters linked by a hivemind. They have the ability to deliver a moderately-powerful electric shock through their claws.

Chimp My Ride

The Dream Made Flesh

Three walruses with huge shields and extendable lightsaber tusks.

Not Just For Breakfast / Necrogoat / Das Ziegenmancer

A disturbing creature indeed, the Necrogoat is a seemingly completely ordinary goat. However, it has the ability to control dead flesh, levitating it and using it as shields and weapons alike. Worse still, the more disgusted and hateful the crowd is of the goat, the more powerful his abilities become - if the crowd likes him or is disinterested, or if nobody is watching, his powers are clumsy and he prefers to play defense. At higher levels he attacks extremely aggressively but leaves himself open due to lack of meat shielding. An interesting competitor indeed.

Captain Jack Sasquatch

Bigfoot has been captured. Zoofights Inc put him in hypersleep for three years, linking him up to a computer loaded with martial arts knowledge in the hopes of creating "a nine foot tall, hairy ninja". Unfortunately, a tragic mix-up meant Bigfoot had been watching Pirates of the Caribbean on repeat for three years straight, and was now totally insane. Zoofights cut their losses and sent him in anyway, with a pirate theme.

Grapplesaurus Rex

Finally, an answer to what to do with a T-rex's pathetic arms: Replace them with grappling harpoons!

  • Ambiguous Gender: Referred to as male at the beginning of the tournament, but later called a female. It is likely Major Failure found out female tyrannosaurs are thought to be larger than males - he tends to use the biggest, most aggressive representative of the species possible.
  • Conjoined Twins: Grapplesaurus obtained a second head later in the tournament.

Snakes On A Brain

One of the most ludicrous monsters ever to enter Zoofights, this monstrosity is a sperm whale brain in an armored dome, upon which sits a laser turret. Surrounding the dome, like tentacles, are the front halves of twelve anacondas.

The Audience

AKA The Reason Major Failure Disowned Zoofights II. It all started in Round 2. The Institution and The Dream Made Flesh entered the arena to the sound of the crowd going nuts for blood and death. Disgusted, the two teams of animals joined forces and went into Round 3 together, without a single attack launched. Major Failure berated the audience for their bloodlust and threw them into a Loser's League match with Chuggatherium. It could have worked, but Major Failure didn't come up with any hard-and-fast rules for fighting, and the roleplaying soon took over the tournament, with different people writing conflicting stories, Mr. Atlantic dying and reviving multiple times, and just general nonsense. The Zoofights website's archive of Zoofights II ends with the Audience/Chuggatherium announcement.

    Zoofights III 

Steamcrab / Steamcrab Mk. II / Krustus

An ancient crab dredged up from the sea of Japan, outfitted with steam driven weaponry and set loose on the Zoofights tournament. Steamcrab is an extreme Anglophile and always strives to be the perfect gentleman, staving in his opponents heads in a dignified and courteous manner.

Steamcrab fights all the way to the end of the tournament, defeating Reanimammut and Drillbjorn only to be defeated non-lethally by Oh The Huge Manatee in the semifinals. This later proves to be vital in defeating From Hell, with Steamcrab awakening during the fight and helping to defeat the monstrosity once and for all.


A rotting, decaying wooly mammoth husk exhumed from the frozen wastes of Siberia. Animated by the blackest of sorceries, what this colossus lacks in reasoning skills is more than made up for in sheer unstoppable power.

Reanimammut is defeated in the first round by Steamcrab. It later faces off against the lobotomised Ultraphant in the losers league.

Oh, The Huge Manatee! / Iron Manatee / Gravatee

A veteran warrior, Oh The Huge Manatee is the only survivor of a litter of twelve pups trained by the British Government to combat Chinese plans to grow opium on the moon in the 1860s. This embittered cigar chomping veteran comes armed with an advanced powersuit containing a harpoon gun, a chainsaw and a jetpack.

The Manatee proved to be one of the more successful Zoofights competitors, effortlessly slaughtering the Tapogres in the first round. He proceeded to KO Project K in the second round, then finally fought Steamcrab in the semifinals, defeating him by freezing him solid.


What happens when you inject Malayan Tapir cells into ogre eggs? You end up with 1.5 tons of pure muscle, fat and grease. They are rude, crude and just waiting for an excuse to bash something to pieces. Also, there are three of them. No, actually there are six. Seven, even.

In the end, the Tapogres achieved nothing, being effortlessly humiliated in the first round by Oh The Huge Manatee. Every subsequent appearance has them being useless, ineffectual or both.

  • Attack! Attack! Attack!: Honestly too stupid to do anything else.
  • Butt-Monkey: The ultimate example in the world of Zoofights.
    • For proof of how far this goes, in their second match against a crippled Edward Tigerhands, most people gave them their votes just to put Tigerhands out of his misery. This would have been a landslide victory for the Tapogres and yet they still lost.
  • Joke Character: Never inflicted any damage to either of their opponents.
  • Cloning Blues
  • We Have Reserves: There are more than one of these things. Didn't help them in the end, though.

The Rabble

Not a single entity, but a group entrant composed of a giant ten foot tall badger led into combat by a mob of unruly drunks, tramps and various other dregs of society.

Though The Rabble put up a heroic fight against Edward Tigerhands in the first round, the fight resulted in the loss of the badger and every member of the 'army' except Stockbridge and Barrington dying. The aforementioned pair survived the tournament by pairing up with other combatants, first Bastard Shark and then Bisoncopter before piloting the final attack run of the Bisondreadnought against From Hell.

Edward Tigerhands

A monstrous bipedal Rhinocerous with its fists replaced with living, biting tiger heads. It was previously designated for riot control in British India, only to be retired from duty due to being too brutal.

Despite being designed to handle large crowds, Edward Tigerhands lost to The Rabble in round one due to a last-minute improvisation by Stockbridge and Barrington. After that he participated in the losers league, eventually losing to a demon-posessed Father Leo McGarry.

  • Ax-Crazy: Specifically stated to love killing and slaughter more than anything.
  • Cameback Strong: After being defeated in the first round by Stockbridge and Barrington, Edward took the Losers League by storm, reaching the finals before getting beaten by Father Mc Garry.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: For all his powers and upgrades, Tigerhands really didn't stand a chance against McGarry.
  • Demonic Possession: During the Loser's League final, his body became posessed with 6 Rakshasas, tigerlike demons who ended up replacing his arms.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Even the heavy handed police force of the British Empire were horrified by Tigerhands's brutality.
  • Irony: A riot-control specialist defeated by a mob.
  • Loophole Abuse: How Ed won against the Tapogres. Although the Tapogres received a majority of the votes, most voters commented that Ed would win easily if he had the fighting spirit he did in Round 1. This was reason enough for Major Failure to give Edward the win.

The Crocodevil/Father Leo Mc Garry

A seven metre long saltwater crocodile...with a pair of genuine demon wings attached to its back. The crocodile itself is dangerous enough, but the pair of wings have a mind of their own.

The Crocodevil loses its first fight against Bastard Shark, but the wings detach from its burning bones and fly away at the end of the fight. They eventually become attached to Father Leo McGarry, who proceeds to curb stomp his way through the loser's league before finally being utterly destroyed by From Hell.

  • Achilles' Heel: The fresh scar tissue around the wings is vulnerable to attack.
  • The Antichrist: As McGarry, even summoning the horsemen of the apocalypse.

  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Every match with Father Leo McGarry, aside from his fight with The Mess, and ultimatly his death to From Hell at the end, qualified as one.
  • Demonic Possession: Averted, the wings are sentient but cannot control the Crocodevil's actions directly. Played straight with McGarry however, who eventually becomes the genuine antichrist.
  • Oh, Crap!: We never see the fight, but we certainly hear McGarry freak out before From Hell obliterates him during the final days of the tournament.

Bastard Shark

A massive whale shark outfitted with a jaw-mounted flamethrower and artificial spider limbs allowing it to walk on land. Despite being nominally herbivorous, the Zoofights team forced Bastard Shark to eat meat instead of plankton, driving the shark to the brink of sanity.

The shark wins his first battle against The Crocodevil, only to have his fight against the remnants of The Rabble interrupted by the arrival of From Hell. Both combatants team up to escape, with the arrangement carrying on into the next battle against Bisoncopter, whereupon Stockbridge and Barrington's stupidity causes the shark to lose.

Drillbjorn / Odinkaru

An old polar bear who fights to venerate the Norse Gods, this hulking ursine warrior will only stop when he feels the hand of Thor on his shoulder in Valhalla. Though he is old and arthritic, Drillbjorn's power drill is devastating in close combat and he carries with him the secrets of the Viking berserkers.

Drillbjorn proved to be a deadly warrior, defeating Ultraphant in the first round despite suffering massive injuries. His opponent in the second round was Steamcrab, and though Drillbjorn succeeded in shattering the crustacean's body he still lost the fight in the end.


A thirteen foot tall elephant from the Ivory Coast, Ultraphant joined the indigenous hunters and poachers and began to mercilessly slaughter his own kind. His trunk has been replaced with an iridium morning star and his feet are encased in the finest Arab ceramic armor. A truly soulless killing machine.

Despite his vast power and bulk, Ultraphant was soundly defeated in the first round when Drillbjorn lobotomised him with his drill. The now mindless pachyderm proceeded to fight Reanimammut in the losers league, controlled by a series of primitive pneumatic tubes to make up for the loss of his brain.


The Asian entrant for Zoofights III is a curious chimera composed of the front half of a panda surgically attached to the body of a giant salamander. For weaponry, Pandamanda sports two heavy assault rifles in place of arms but is woefully lacking in the close combat department.

Pandamanda and Hellpotamus wind up killing each other in a mutual KO. Their shattered bodies are later welded together into a single monstrous abomination named Pandamanderpotapanzee. This ungodly beast is later killed off for good by Bisoncopter during the second round.


A massive hippo with attitude and a deadly vomiting problem, Hellpotamus's primary method of attack is its highly acidic projectile vomit that flows forth in a constant stream. Hellpotamus also has a gunslinging chimpanzee for backup and precision strikes.

As mentioned above, Pandamanda and Hellpotamus end up killing each other and are fused into one being for the second round, whereupon they both lose to Bisoncopter.

Project K / Dropbear

The Australian entry, Project K was originally created by the British as part of the same war effort that brought us Oh The Huge Manatee. It's an eight foot high koala bear, genetically enhanced to make a suitable guard for a Uranium mining colony. After the mine was abandoned, the creature escaped into the wild, living off the wildlife and suffering badly from massive tumours, caused by it's years of exposure to nuclear fuel.

Project K began promisingly enough, winning it's first fight by savaging The Mess in a fit of anger. It then went into the second round having nearly doubled in size and covered in Cavorite crystals, giving it control over gravity. It was then dispatched by Iron Manitee in it's next match, however.

  • Body Horror: His body is utterly infested with tumours. Also, it's implied he's had sand get into his brain in the past.
  • Determinator: As his log reads, '...(P)roject K will likely still be fighting on for a few minutes after death due to the ludicrous amount of stimulants in its system.' And it shows. He is able to keep fighting for a while after taking a CHAINSAW THROUGH THE FACE.
  • Gravity Master
  • Unstoppable Rage

The Mess

A chimera consisting of a jaguar's upper body, an anaconda's lower body, and a macaw's wings, created by shamans in the Amazon Rainforest to drive out a nearby oil mining operation. Silent, swift and deadly, it also has psychic powers to some degree.

Despite its numerous powers, The Mess lost out to Project K during the first round. It later fought in the Loser's League, having gained the power of fake psychology in the process.

  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
    'The fury of forgotten water devils, the sorrow of a dying race, the sheer capacity to be a total dick of a macaw.'
  • Giant Flyer: The Mess is 30 feet long and can fly.
  • Mind Games: Constantly playing these with its opponents.
  • The Unfavorite: As mentioned on the main page, Major Failure is not a big fan of The Mess. Mainly down to the fact he hates drawing jaguars.

Bisontrain / Bisoncopter / Bisoncraft / Bisondreadnought

The American entrant to Zoofights, Bisontrain is exactly what it sounds like; a train with a bison's head stuck on the front. Bisontrain was plagued with technical problems and sabotage, resulting in its fight being repeatedly pushed back. Bisontrain has immense speed and one direction only. Nevertheless, the Bison part is detachable and can be welded to numerous different chassis.

Bisontrain actually lost his first fight against the MOTHERFUCKING MARTIAN, passing through to the next round by default when two of the Zoofights commentators beat the alien to death after the end of the battle. The Bison would go on to win all of its subsequent matches, each time being attached to a different body, before finally making a suicidal kamikazee attack against From Hell in the final battle.

  • Broke the Rating Scale: Most of his combat ratings given in the first round are listed as "TRAIN/10."
  • The Cameo: Appears briefly in Zoofights 4 as Bisoncore.
    • And again in Zoofights 6, playing keyboard for Ned Killy and the Kings of Beasts.
  • Cool Train
  • Crippling Overspecialisation: He's a train. No matter how strong he is, he can only go where the tracks are. Subverted with Bisoncopter and the other subsequent incarnations.
  • Death Glare: He always sports one, no matter the situation.
  • Executive Meddling: Despite the readers' votes determining the bracket, Bisontrain was taken out of the voting so that he could face the Motherfucking Martian in the plot event at the end of Round 1. As a result, he was the only competitor guaranteed a spot in Round 2 no matter what.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: As Bisondreadnought, he rams himself into From Hell during the final match of Zoofights III, destroying the two of them in the process.
  • Perpetual Frowner
  • The Stoic: It doesn't matter how much trouble he's in or how strong his opponent is; Bisontrain never loses his badass frown.

Contestant 12 / A Motherfucking Martian (Oh Shit Son) / The Necromonitron

By far the most mysterious of the 16 entrants for this tournament, the creature in vault number 12 refused to come out for its scheduled match and used horrible psychic powers to keep anyone from coming inside to force it out. The only thing that stood a chance of busting through the wall was Bisontrain. The tournament - and maybe the world - was now in Bisontrain's hands.

Although Bisontrain was defeated by the Motherfucking Martian, the Zoofights commentary team went in with machetes and cut up the Martian while it was distracted with ripping the bison from his train. Bisontrain was allowed into the next round, while the Loser's League received a beast called The Necromonitron. Most likely the revived martian, the Necromonitron was listed as "DO NOT RELEASE, EXTREMELY DANGEROUS", and when its fight was scheduled to begin its opponent was given a bye without a single word of what happened to Necromonitron. It remains one of the greatest mysteries of Zoofights.

  • Alternate Reality Game: While the Major has yet to revisit the Necromonitron in canon Zoofights, the artifact showed up to cause trouble over in The Bar, the official Roleplaying forum for Zoofights.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Though the Martian itself is killed in the first round, technology from the Martians would later be used in the upgrades for Steamcrab.
  • Chuck Cunningham Syndrome
  • Disc-One Final Boss
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: What the heck is this extraterrestrial being doing in a tournament where every other competitor is a modified animal?
  • Glass Cannon: The Martian is almost impossible to defeat... as long as it's focusing on you. If its attention is elsewhere or its powers are exhausted, it's no match for something as simple as a pair of commentators with machetes - despite wielding Psychic Powers potent enough to stop and dismantle a charging train.
  • Mind over Matter
  • Outside-Context Problem: Nobody knows how, why, or by whom a Martian was submitted to a tournament where various altered beasts of Earthly origin fight for dominance.
  • Psychic Powers: Lilly gets horrible headaches when passing by Cell 12, which implies that the Martian's telekinetic powers are likely of psychic origin.
  • Starfish Aliens
    • Subverted, the Martian comes off that way but Japan manages to forge an alliance with them, implying that they are not incomprehensibly alien.


A giant mole with razor-sharp claws and quills. Showed up to take a vacant spot in the Loser's League.

  • Disqualification-Induced Victory: It was awarded a bye in its first fight, both because it threatened to destroy the arena and because its opponent, The Necromonitron, was considered too dangerous to be released.
  • We Hardly Knew Ye: Only competed in one fight.
  • The Worf Effect: Was given a bye because it threatened the arena, but once the time came for it to fight, it was quickly crushed by Edward Tigerhands.

Jack The Ripper

Big Bad of Zoofights 3, Jack the Ripper is never directly encountered. Instead, he leaves unsettling letters to the readers, eventually unveiling his plan to destroy all of London (and probably the rest of the world as well) with his unearthly creation, From Hell.

  • Evil Laugh and Laughing Mad: Apparently spends a lot of time expressing mirth. Lily Limbcake even refers to him as "Laughing" in her diary, not knowing his real name.

From Hell

Monstrous creation of Jack the Ripper, From Hell first appeared during the battle between Bastard Shark and the remnants of The Rabble, forcing Stockbridge and Barrington to team up with the shark. From there, From Hell took over the arena and began growing into an unstoppable monstrosity, even defeating Father Leo McGarry in the finals. It takes the sacrifices of Steamcrab, Oh The Huge Manatee and Bisondreadnought to defeat him once and for all.

     Zoofights IV 

Imperaptor / Battleopteryx / Raptorcycle

Burgertherium / Burger Lord

This hideous creature has the DNA of a giant ground sloth, but its body is rotting hamburger, its skeleton is metal piping and its blood is boiling oil and grease. As one competitor who voted for him put it, “Obviously everything that could go wrong with him already has.”

  • Body Horror: Seriously, read the description again if you're not already convinced. And it gets even worse as Burger Lord...

Dakuvanga / Tethys

A vicious hammerhead shark with a buzzsaw for a tail, walking the earth on a set of spindly metal legs. Dakuvanga is a reminder that we are very lucky sharks are not able to live on land.

Riot Yeti / 'Nam Yeti / The Shaolin Monkey

The last yeti, hopped up on speed and wielding an electrically-charged spear and riot shield. What could possibly go wrong?

Tunguska / Tsar Bumble

The second alien to enter Zoofights, Tunguska is the Russian entrant, as that is where it was found. This possibly-female monster, while gigantic, is still only a larva...

Old Bitey / Chompa / Ned Killy

Equipped with flight and massively powerful jaws as well as a rotating array of backup weapons that includes broken bottles, guns, lightsabers, a force field and stinging tentacles, the Australian entrant Ned Killy holds the extra-special distinction of being the first ever competitor to outright win a tournament.


One of Zoofights’ largest entrants ever, this Greek entry is a gigantic tortoise body with four giraffe necks coming out the front. And each giraffe has a different elemental power.

Inquisipede / Centipope / Elohim

This bizarre entrant was originally merely a giant centipede whose venom gave you religious visions. Later in the tournament, however, Inquisipede’s corpse is infected by a space parasite that brings him back to life and strengthens his religious zeal. By tournament’s end the centipede has fused with the headless body of a monstrous alien (the adult form of Tunguska) and appears in space to duel the Big Bad in a final fight to determine whether the human race will be slaughtered or merely toyed with.

  • A God Am I: Started out as a centipede devoted to God, and eventually came to be a centipede God.
  • The Assimilator: He is somehow able to incorporate the headless adult body of Tunguska as part of himself.
  • Big Bad: One of the two Big Bads in Season 4, the other being Seanet.
  • Combat Tentacles: One of Elohim's weaker (!) means of attack.
  • Eldritch Abomination: After his fight with Tsar Bumble, Centipope hijacks the latter's imago body to turn into the godlike Elohim.
  • Fragile Speedster: Inquisipede and Centipope are very fragile and have next to no ranged attacks. What they do have is dozens of legs to give them speed and agility. Elohim, however, averts this entirely.
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: This is a recurring theme in Zoofights indeed. Inquisipede, while not particularly weak, actually lost his first match. His second form, Centipope, narrowly beats Tsar Bumble. Elohim, meanwhile, is able to take on multiple serious opponents, at once, without breaking a sweat.
  • Holy Hand Grenade: Centipope quite literally has a holy hand grenade as a last-resort weapon. It makes a cross-shaped explosion.
  • Knight Templar (ironic, considering what the Inquisition did to the Templars).
  • Light 'em Up: Elohim has the power to emit divine, incinerating light from his many "eyes".
  • Light Is Not Good: Elohim has a divine appearance (well, if you discount the tentacles), uses light and is brightly colored. He is not good by any stretch of the imagination.
  • Mind Rape: His first incarnation has a powerful, lethal venom which has the added effect of causing awe-inspiring visions of God.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: Inquisipede died in his first battle, however he was infected with some sort of isopod-like parasite which reanimated him, and subsequently Tunguska.
  • Psychic Powers: Likely the explanation behind his sheer power.
  • Puppeteer Parasite: The isopod on Centipope's back.
  • Reality Warper: He seems to be able to do anything he pleases, including turning a planet into a star, though that's still not enough to defeat Seanet without killing himself in the process.
  • Taking You with Me: Elohim self-destructs to kill Seanet, causing Jupiter to ignite and become a star.

Glaciosaur / Ankylodyte / The Penguin

Hailing from Antarctica, Glaciosaur is an Ankylosaurus adapted to live in extreme cold. Later in the tournament, he is joined by The Penguin, a sunglasses-wearing, rifle-toting Badass Normal.

Killobyte / Trilobike / Overlord

Killobite is a somewhat dim-witted but still primitively resourceful giant trilobite with tank treads and cannons. He represents Great Britain.

  • Badass Mustache: As Overlord.
  • Cool Bike: As Trilobike.
  • Cool Plane: As Overlord.
  • Crack Defeat: He lost not one but two fights this way. One against Wolf Patrol (aka Wolfbike), who was vastly underpowered compared to him, and the other against Dred Zeppelin, in which he had the majority vote but lost to the random number generator.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: His own bombs were deflected at him by Dred Zeppelin.
  • More Dakka: He is equipped with a ton of firepower.
  • Seldom-Seen Species: Where else have you ever seen trilobites?
  • Transforming Mecha: Trilobike can change from a heavily armed and armored motorcycle into a lighter and speedier unicycle, though it's not so much "transforming" as it is "discarding parts of itself".

Wolfbike / Wolf Patrol / The Zoobikes (Dogbike, Cheetahbike, Bikebike)

The ridiculous Wolfbike is nothing more than the head of a wolf crudely stitched onto a motorcycle with two big beefy arms. The resulting creature has little to no offensive ability, but DOES have a whole lotta heart.

Slammonite / Rammonite / Wrasslopod

The American representative is a hybrid of ammonite and pro wrestler DNA. Powerful but with an unstable heart, this poorly-engineered beast has a limited time to wreck everything he can before his heart gives out.

Kriegbehemot / Psynoceros / Dred Zeppelin

A woolly rhinoceros from the Ice Age, Kriegbehemot is similar to your average rhino in ability and disposition. Over the course of the tournament the rhino becomes almost lost under more and more machinery added to the beast.

  • Mook: Dred Zeppelin has his own personal supply of Mooks in the form of chimps with brains in jars for heads.
  • Rhino Rampage: And how – all the way to the finals, including two upset victories!
  • Shout-Out: Kriegbehemot's armor looks very Warhammer 40000-ish.

Heart Of Darkness / Hyperfauna

This nightmarish beast from South Africa was a hideous conglomeration of jungle animals. Sporting an elephant head, a rhino head, a hippo head, and four bullet-spewing ostrich heads, with a crocodile tail and dozens of gazelle legs allowing it to flow unnervingly across the ground, Heart of Darkness was one of the largest and most frightening monsters Zoofights has seen yet.

The Delegation / Control Squid / Seanet

A psychic cuttlefish representing Japan ominously appeared at the Zoofights space station ten minutes before they were going to ask Japan to enter. The result of experiments to create a new intelligent life form on par (or smarter than) humans, The Delegation can control objects telepathically, and can also read minds.

The leader of Seanet is a truly massive squid hundreds of feet long. Second in command are numerous Control Squids about the size of a small giant squid. The lowest-ranked members are eight-foot-long cuttlefish.

  • The Bad Guy Wins: No indication of it at the end of Zoofights 4, but it’s revealed at the start of 5 that, in the future, the Seanet experiments still happened because nobody warned Japan about what happen when Seanet appeared in the past and tried to take over. As a result, Zoofights 5 opens with Seanet controlling the world.
  • Bait-and-Switch Boss: Twice during the battle against Psynoceros. Psynoceros came face to face with The Delegation, fired its Wave-Motion Gun and... gibbed the cuttlefish in one shot. Except a dozen more of them came out of nowhere. When the Psynoceros beat all of them, one of them fled and led him to the true enemy - a much bigger, more powerful psychic squid.
  • Big Bad: One of the two Big Bads in Season 4, the other being Elohim.
  • Hive Mind
  • Mind over Matter: The Delegation has powerful telekinesis, but only usable on inanimate objects.
  • Mother of a Thousand Young
  • Psychic Powers: It/they are the Japanese entrant, but they arrived before the invites were sent.

The Walrus / Once Were Walrus

Representing an After the End Bad Future New Zealand, The Walrus is a humanoid walrus whose mind is an arcade machine. That’s it. He’s got a gun and a broken pool cue for offense. Kind of an underdog.

Star Truck

Five 50-foot-long Titanaboas, welded onto a giant dump truck. This enormous beast was a replacement brute for Hydrafficus, who was unable to fight due to suffering mortal wounds in its fight with Inquisipede.

Mecha Ants

In Zoofights 4 these six-foot robotic insects served as handy servants to deal with any problems that required going out into the air-less void of space, like hull repair.

     Zoofights V 

Dreadnautilus / Aggronaut / Squidiot

A nautilus armed with tentacles and heavy weaponry, originally used as a weapon against Seanet. To avoid a takeover of him by Seanet, he is dim and needs instructions from a team of very incompetent humans to operate. He turns out to be not so stupid after all, and when his operating team is killed he proves smarter than them.

He returned for Round 2 with Seanet tentacles grafted into him, but went rogue in the process. Despite the enhancement, he could not overcome Draaaainage, who sucked him dry. He fought in the Royal Rumble as Squidiot, a braindead brute who genuinely needed orders from an incompetent team to function, but was promptly eliminated by Chernoble.

  • Dumb Muscle: Subverted - it is his controllers (three humans commanding him via walkie-talkies) that are stupid. When their connection is cut, Dreadnautilus is shown to be quite clever.
    • And then double subverted when he comes back for the Losers' League as Squidiot; having lost most of his brain in the fight against Draaaainage, he now needs his controllers to tell him what to do.
  • Face–Heel Turn: Seanet takes control of Aggronaut during the fight with Draaaaainage.
  • He Who Fights Monsters
  • More Dakka
  • Too Dumb to Live: As Squidiot

Brut05 / Hog Wild

From South Africa, Brut-05 is the front half of a warthog attached to a mecha. The result is a heavily armed but poorly armored fighter.

He lost his fight with Dreadnautilus and returned in the Losers' League as Hog Wild, riding a weaponized wheelchair pulled by a team of hyenas. His need to prove himself a worthy fighter to a crowd that detested him caused him to lose horribly to Snake Pilgrim.

Snake Preview / Snake Pilgrim / Gamma Constrictor / Ouroboros

A giant anaconda worshipped as a god by cultists, he was modified with futuristic technology in a bid to let him see the future. However, the attempt went wrong, leaving the snake totally blind and only able to see the future in infrared.

He lost his first fight to Blood 4 Oil and returned in the Losers' League as Snake Pilgrim, wildly flickering in and out of time. Defeating Hog Wild, he made it to the Royal Rumble as Gamma Constrictor, now with the ability to fire withering beams of time out of his mouth. An attack by Snapture damaged his time systems, but the resulting time paradox only made him stronger, turning him into Ouroboros. After modifying the timeline into one where he rules over Zoofights with an iron... coil and eats the victors, he was finally challenged and destroyed by Croctopus.

Blood 4 Oil / Draaainage / Brutish Petroleum

A giant mechanized mosquito used as a mobile oil rig and powered by blood, fed to it by the mosquito drones it releases.

Winning her battle against Snake Preview, she was upgraded with flamethrowers and a bloodsucking harpoon and defeated Aggronite in a close battle. Despite being upgraded once again into an insectoid juggernaut with flesh-eating larvae, her winning streak came to an end when Croctopus turned her into a component for his latest boat. However, her head and mouthparts (wielded as a weapon by the Croc) played a vital role in destroying Ouroboros.

  • Action Girl: One of the few female fighters, and an incredibly dangerous combatant.
  • Always Male: Aversion.
  • Big Creepy-Crawlies: We'll say it again. Giant. Mechanized. Mosquito.
  • Giant Flyer
  • Grapple Gun: Starting from her second incarnation, her proboscis can be shot out at the opponent to drain blood.
  • Kill It with Fire: Had flamethrowers at one point.
  • Mother of a Thousand Young: Constantly generates thousands of mosquitoes that feed her with the opponent's blood.
  • You Can't Fight Fate: Played with in several ways. Blood 4 Oil fights fate and seemingly wins (“Your Going 2 Die”), however she does end up dying, just not to Snake Preview. Nevertheless, it seems the only thing that can ever stop Snake Preview is Blood 4 Oil’s drill stabbing through his brain, so even though she’s dead before the final battle, she finds a way to help regardless.

Smash Gordon / Newer Labour

After some controversy (both in and out of universe) about having human entrants in Zoofights after Zoofights 3’s Two Drunk Guys and Father Leo McGarry, Major Failure instituted a “no humans” rule. That didn’t stop the Zoofights 5 British team from entering Smash Gordon, who is a Neanderthal caveman and thus is not quite human. He is a brutish axe-wielding fighter with no real special abilities to speak of other than Super Strength.

Soundly trounced by the Sturgeon General, he returned for the Losers' League as a heavily armed cyborg controlled by his head in a jar. Except not really, because the real pilot was his dog Nelson. At any rate, they lost to E.M.M.A. anyways.


Smash Gordon’s pet bulldog, described as much more intelligent than him. Gordon relies on Nelson to help him figure out what to do when not fighting. Nelson proved far more popular than Gordon, which allowed him to escape the battle with Sturgeon General and go on to pilot Newer Labor. It did not save him from death in E.M.M.A's jaws, however.

The Sturgeon General / Sturgeongrad / Chernoble

The ever-suffering (still had not won a match by this point) Russia’s entry for Zoofights 5. The Sturgeon General is a truly giant sturgeon attached to the bottom half of a tank (the resulting hybrid is 25 feet tall). He also controls several venomous flying stingrays on leashes. The Sturge is an intelligent, calculating creature who, in the words of one spectator, is “probably the absolute sanest being ever to enter Zoofights”. A definite departure from the usual Chaotic Stupid monsters.

After winning his first battle against Smash Gordon, he fought Captain Croctopus with no major upgrades for himself, but now in control of Sturgeongrad, a war fortress defended by his stingrays and a bunch of former spectators he conscripted into becoming his army. Croctopus fought his way through and managed to stuff an explosive into his tank's reactor. Sturgeon attempted to destroy his opponent along with himself in a suicidal explosion, but failed and was horrifically mutated into Chernoble. He proved to be a force to reckon with in the Royal Rumble and took out both Squidiot and the Onion, but was eventually squashed by Gamma Constrictor.

Croctopus / Captain Croctopus / Commodore Croctopus / Admiral Croctopus

The Indian entrant. Patel Industries's finest ship destroyer, Croctopus spent his life before Zoofights breaking down decomissioned boats into scrap metal. “A top quality crocodile with the arms of a top quality octopus”, Croctopus is completely insane (due to his past, he thinks his purpose in life is to build boats) and in possession of many, many power tools. Not a good combination. He proved extremely popular with the spectators due to his entertaining insanity.

Croctopus was probably the most successful monster in Zoofights' history. Despite never receiving any major upgrades aside from some better power tools and the occasional self-built boat (none of which lasted over a few minutes), he went on to defeat Pride and Prejudice, Sturgeongrad, Brutish Petroleum, and Fists O'Batahan to become the champion of the tournament, and then he destroyed Ouroboros to restore the Zoofights timeline, at the cost of his own life.

  • Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence: After the final battle is over, the camera pans up to show that Croctopus has become a constellation in the sky of the newly reset universe.
  • Badass Normal: Aside from his tentacles, all he has at his disposal are the tools that he has collected over the course of the tournament.
  • Big Damn Hero
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer
  • Catchphrase: "Im building a bote!"
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Permanently under the delusion that he is, in fact, building a boat, rather than fighting other monstrosities.
  • Colonel Badass: Appears in an alternate universe as Colonel Octodile, fighting the evil Space Snake.
  • Combat Tentacles
  • Cool Hat
  • Cool Ship: Invariably destroyed as soon as the fight begins, but that just means he can build another one!
  • Cool Sword: Acquires the Sturgeon General's cavalry sabre after defeating him in battle.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: Croctopus kills Gamma Constrictor and returns the entire timeline back to normal, at the cost of ascending to a higher plane of existence.
  • Let's Get Dangerous!: When he takes on Ouroboros.
  • Mix-and-Match Critter: Crocodile with octopus arms.
  • Not So Stoic
  • Reset Button: His battle with Gamma Constrictor resets the Zoofights universe, turning the after-the-end setting into the Eighties and erasing all knowledge of the evil sna— I mean "stretch-lizard".
  • You Kill It, You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.

Pride and Prejudice / Extreme Mammalian Magnetic Artillery (E.M.M.A.) / Purrslaysion

Channeling the spirit of the legendary head-shooting cheetahs from Zoofights 1, the Pride is a group of about a dozen or so lions, backed up by a gigantic railgun named “Prejudice”. The lions pull the gun into position, and then one of them climbs in the back and presses a button, causing Prejudice to rip off the lion’s head and shoot it at the enemy.

After a humiliating defeat to Croctopus in round 1, they were modified into a single giant lion with a raingun in its mouth, shooting artificially grown lion heads. E.M.M.A. was able to defeat Newer Labour by the skin of its teeth, using a Desperation Attack that shot its own head off. Advancing to the Royal Rumble as Purrslaysion, a floating giant lion head with smaller lion heads orbiting it and armed with laser blasters, it gathered almost no support whatsoever and was immediately killed by Ro-Boto Cop with an axe to the brain.

Count Smackula / Punchules The Magnificent / Fists O'Batahan

The first Irish fighter, Count Smackula is an enormous bat with a fondness of scrap metal. He likes to employ dirty tricks in his fighting and is capable of drinking infinite amounts of alcohol without passing out. Continuing the popular tradition, his legs have been replaced with big muscly arms.

Against all odds, he managed to make it to the finals, receiving ever more powerful arms (powered by a nuclear reactor at some point) as well as a small arsenal of guns, rifles and grenades. He beat Mr. Ro-Boto, Banebarramundi (himself an unlikely contestant), and Seventh Seal, but his luck ran out as he fought Admiral Croctopus. Nevertheless, he managed to survive the battle despite not claiming victory.

  • Bat Out of Hell
  • Combat Pragmatist: Pretending to be unable to move, blinding his opponent with rage with acts of vandalism, using a fake grenade to scare an enemy off, and distracting his opponent with an arm-wrestling match are some of Smackula’s most notable techniques.
  • Crazy-Prepared: In round 2, Punchules had apparently been studying Batman comics, because when his Bane-inspired opponent broke his spine the clever bat revealed he brought a spare.
    • Crazy Awesome: Instead of using the spare spine to heal himself, he instead hobbles towards his enemy (broken back and all), and garrotes his vital tubings out from behind using the spine.
  • Determinator: If dragging himself across the arena with a broken back to land a finishing blow on an unaware opponent doesn't qualify for this trope, then nothing does.
  • Drinking Contest: Between him and The Snapture.
  • Drunken Master: Being piss-drunk will not stop him from kicking your ass.
  • Genius Bruiser: He packs a hell of a punch, but his crafty mind is even more dangerous than his fists.
  • Good Old Fisticuffs: His main method of battling. In his final incarnation his arms are powered up with nuclear reactors.
  • Graceful Loser: He has no problem with finishing in second place.
  • In the Back: Fitting his combat pragmatism, he's not above attacking from behind.

Mr. Ro-Boto / Ro-Boto Cop

Japan’s entrant this time around was an adorable pink river dolphin. Of course, river dolphins aren’t worth much without some sort of upgrade, so Mr. Ro-Boto sits inside a bipedal mecha tricked out with numerous weapons.

Defeated by Count Smackula via a nasty plunge from extreme heights, he was reshaped into a RoboCop-inspired mechanically-enhanced dolphin with laser guns and was once again soundly trounced, but spared, by SEGA Gorillensis Mk. 2. The two went on to the Royal Rumble as a team, but their friendship failed to gather support comparable to that of Mechos and Red Banana, so Gamma Constrictor turned both of them to dust with his time beam.

Sting Kong / Gorillesis MK. II / Bango And Crash

One of the more sympathetic monsters Zoofights has seen, Sting Kong has the body of a gorilla, scorpion tails for arms, and the head of a wasp. He was created by a mad scientist on a faraway tropical island, and was left to fend for himself when the scientist succumbed to his own creations. Although he has lots of fighting experience from his time on the island, Sting Kong has only fought to survive.

Against all odds, he lost a battle against Barbarrimundi and was forced into the Losers' League. Later on his wasp head was replaced by a Sega Genesis and he became closely linked with the original Sega Gorillesis. Though he defeated Ro-Boto Cop, he refused to end the dolphin's life, and the two went on to the Royal Rumble as a team, but were eliminated by Gamma Constrictor.

  • Bee Afraid
  • Call-Back: To Zoofights 1.
  • Crack Defeat: Sting Kong has the absolute worst luck with random number generators. He was the overwhelming favorite in Round 1, but lost. In the Loser’s League he was even more heavily favored against Ro-Boto Cop, but wound up taking a third option and befriending him.
  • Everything's Better with Monkeys
  • Gentle Giant: He will not kill you unless you are a threat.
  • Mix-and-Match Critter: Gorilla body, wasp head, scorpion stinger arms.
  • {Revenge}: In the Royal Rumble, Gorillesis MK. II takes out Tetramundi, the beast that caused its fist round loss.
  • Shout-Out: Mr. Ro-Boto and Sting Kong are just one Shout Out after another – together they reference a few films and several video games, including RoboCop and Mortal Kombat.
  • Take a Third Option: Friendship with Ro-Boto Cop.

Barbaramundi / Banebarrimundi / Tetramundi

The Australians, attempting to make lightning strike twice, have once again entered an augmented fish into the tournament. Unlike top-level contender Ned Killy, however, Barbarrimundi is a simpler, lower-budget creation. No flight, no lightsabers, and no mechanically enhanced jaws – just a barramundi perched atop the body of a particularly burly man.

Incredibly, he managed to defeat Sting Kong despite the odds being overwhelmingly against him. He was lethally poisoned, however, so his organism was pumped full of even more venom to keep him alive and give him incredible strength. His luck did not hold: despite breaking Punchules' spine, he still fell to a blow In the Back by the bat. For the Royal Rumble, he was modified to have four arms, but that did not help him and he was killed by Sega Gorillensis Mk. 2.

Presidential Seal / Seal of Disapproval / The Seventh Seal

After the End, America has gone underground, trying to avoid the worst of the nuclear holocaust wrought by Seanet. Unfortunately, the Americans have not escaped unscathed – they mutated, went crazy, and elected a giant bull elephant seal as their president-god-emperor. The Seal has subsequently entered the tournament to prove his might. He is a dumb, violent brute who can take damage like a champ and dish it out too, but has absolutely no abilities beyond an absurd melee strength.

He subsequently trampled the European Onion, and then defeated the Snapture in a close match which left disappointed many of the turtle's supporters. His reign of destruction came to an end at the nuclear-powered fists of O'Batahan. He received very scant upgrades along the way, primarily just hydraulics to enhance his strength.

  • Acrofatic: Surprisingly agile, even in the second round, when he has bulked up significantly in preparation for his rumble with The Snapture. It’s all possible thanks to the hydraulic pipes installed in and on his body.
  • Eagle Land
  • President Evil and Sleazy Politician: Made clear in the “From the Office of the President of the United States” letters that appear as bonus content.
  • Stout Strength
  • Vomit Indescretion Shot: Uses his own vomit as a weapon. It's just as gross as it sounds.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: He's quite fond of suplexes.

The European Onion / The Bloody Onion / The AgriCultural Revolution

The first plant to ever enter the tournament, this Belgian contestant a very fragile plant with the power to reanimate corpses, which it uses as minions.

Soundly defeated by the Presidential Seal, the Onion gained the ability to summon giant carnivorous plants and destroyed the Long March in its first Losers' League fight. It tried to combine its two abilities for the Royal Rumble, but the gigantic Chernoble easily trampled over both plants and zombies and chopped it to pieces.

Great Leap Forward / The Long March

The first ever Zoofighter from North Korea! Great Leap Forward was originally created to assist the peasant folk with day-to-day challenges like farming, but he can fight when he has to, using a wealth of deadly farming implements.

He was wasted by the Snapture in his first fight, upgraded into something that was barely even alive for the Losers' League, and immediately devoured by the Bloody Onion.

The Snapture

A truck-sized snapping turtle with unclear motives. He does drugs, he drinks heavily, he smokes, and he curses like a sailor. As if that wasn’t enough, he seems to be immortal...

He destroyed the Great Leap Forward without much effort, but Round 2 saw him knocked out by the Seal of Disapproval due to getting distracted by a gorillon dollar bill. Come the Royal Rumble, he nearly destroyed Gamma Constrictor (as the latter's time ray only made him grow bigger), but caused a violent time distortion by damaging sensitive mechanisms. Nevertheless, he somehow survived the fight despite getting fused to an aircraft carrier. Much like The Walrus before him, he never accepted any upgrades.

Marlin the Magnificent

Towards the end of Zoofights 5, there was a one-month delay between the semifinals and the final battle due to Major Failure getting married and going on a honeymoon. To help fill time, several spectators came up with their own beasts to stage exhibition matches. Most of the battles fizzled out early, but one that made it to completion pitted Marlin the Magnificent against Widow Maker. MTM is a marlin with a jetpack. He also has a diamond tip to his sword nose and drills instead of front fins.

Widow Maker

A female praying mantis (female mantids are always bigger and stronger!) boasting nails on her claws, a gun that shoots black widow spiders attached to her rear, and stealth camouflage as well as the power of flight and high intelligence. The tradeoff? Her exoskeleton can handle only minor attacks, rendering her one of the frailest monsters in Zoofights.

     Zoofights VI 

As a whole:

Huggles T. Bear / Teddy Kruger / Mental Ben

A cuddly-wuddly bear with batteries jammed into his brain and a giant laser in his stomach. The perfect Christmas gift!

After defeating the Berlin Walrus, he was upgraded to have his chest-mounted weapon shoot out either an actual laser or a nightmare-inducing Emotion Bomb. He then fought Delorelion, and an accident led to the two of them battling endlessly throughout all time, until he was blasted into nothingness by a supercharged Delorelion. He reappeared as a Living Dream during the Royal Rumble together with Nightmare, but both were defeated by Final Mantisy.

The Berlin Walrus / The Cold Warlrus

The combined effort of East and West Berlin. Fights with a brick launcher and an iron fin. Lost to Huggles, was equipped with a Freeze Ray and AK-47 for the Losers' League, but lost again to the Hippangopotalin with an Anger Disorder.

Croaka Cola / New Croak / Diet Croak

A soda company mascot shot into space and mutated by gamma rays. He's SEEN THINGS, MAN, but is it enough for Zoofights? Fights by firing either sticky sugary syrup or acid at enemies, can also fly by using a jetpack.

Was defeated against all odds by Monster Truck and was replaced by New Croak, the sole survivor of a batch of tadpoles shot into space and forced to eat each other. Equipped with a harpoon launcher and a railgun, New Croke defeated Crystal PEP Simian by causing him to fall into the mechanisms of an old soft drink factory, then drank his remains. This caused an adverse reaction which forced the Zoofights team to modify him into the nightmarish Diet Croak, who uses his stretchable limbs in combat. Diet Croak fought in the Royal Rumble and did fairly well until Mohammut Kali annihilated him.

Monster Truck / Delorelion / Monster Truck II: Fight Rider

Half-tiger, half-truck, 100% unimaginably painful existence, Monster Truck can switch between two forms: bipedal tiger and truck. Rushed off the production line and built shoddily, he is in constant atrocious pain and constantly runs the risk of falling apart.

Managed to defeat Croaka Cola by slamming it into a poster and was upgraded into Delorelion, with no significant improvements over his previous form other than the ability to Time Travel. An accident caused him and Teddy Krueger to fight an endless battle throughout all time, until at last they reemerged on the site of the battle between Muertadillo and Horsepower, where Delorelion used Horsepower's energy to power himself up and destroy the bear. Using his knowledge of future events, he was able to amass the funds necessary to upgrade himself into a significantly more capable fighter, but got tricked by Hardcore Prawn and met his end in a volcano.

Bull Market / Ca$h Cow

He's backed by the best things money can buy: a bronzed hide, carbon-fibre suits, an ultra-dense brick of a cell phone (made of Osmium) on a chain, and one heck of an assistant. But none of that could save him from death in Murducken's chest microwave. This made his head unusable, so he was genderswapped into Cash Cow for the Losers' League by replacing his head with a dairy cow's. And then Neuromantis slaughtered her.

Murducken / The Osmium Chef / Lawn Moa

A female terror-bird who serves as a mascot for a gimmicky kitchen implement. She was given Big Muscly ArmsTM and a powerful microwave for a heart.

After defeating Bull Market, she was given a butcher's blade and an osmium whisk, her microwave was also powered up and her beak reinforced. All this did not help her defeat Krilldozer, who would have murdered her with her own whisk had she not pulled a suicide move by jamming it into her microwave. She entered the Royal Rumble with a chainsaw and a hedge trimmer for hands and a lawn mower in her chest, but failed to do anything much before being killed by Mumammut Kali.

Playing Mantis / Neuromantis / Final Mantisy

The most high-tech creation Japan has to offer - a praying mantis who is very good at playing video games. She attacks with her sharp claws and can utilize optical camouflage and project holograms of herself to dupe the enemy, but is very fragile.

She had Cray Fish on the ropes, but he distracted her by challenging her to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, then shot her in the head with a handgun. She was then upgraded with more power and the ability to shoot energy disks, with which she easily defeated Cash Cow. For the Royal Rumble, she became able to choose between various combat styles at any given moment. She was able to destroy Mental Ben and Nightmare, but exhausted herself and fell to Muhammut Kali.

Cray Fish / Krilldozer / Hardcore Prawn / Hardcore Prawn II: Claws for Concern

... America's offering, which is very slow and in constant danger of overheating.

  • A.I. Is a Crapshoot: Well, technically.
  • Cheaters Never Prosper: Subverted, this is Zoofights. If a creature is smart enough to cheat it's smart enough to win.
    • Ladies and gents, your King of Beasts
  • Combat Pragmatist: He's not above using dirty tactics and won all three of his matches so far with them.
  • Cyborg / Wetware CPU: There might a lobster under all that armor. Might be. There is! AND HE HAS A GUN!
  • Hand Guns / Revolvers Are Just Better Than Holograms
  • People Puppets:
    When Krilldozer's construction team took him out for testing during the Manhattan riots (aftermath pictured here), he managed to impale two entirely non-cybernetic hoodlums, and make them scuttle around making pincer motions with their hands while they begged for it all to stop. As such, it would seem his hacking abilities may no longer be limited to machines.
  • Power Armor
  • Take Over the World, maybe:
    Ironichide via The Major: "He had killed the rest of the Kray team out of 'what looked like spiteful thrills' and begun a cult of other animals who guarded his new home at the head of the river on the starboard face of the volcano. His only focus was now reading Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Still laughing."
  • Taking You with Me
  • Ungrateful Bastard: Monster Truck offered Hardcore Prawn a paw when he was dangling over a pit of lava. He paid him back by throwing him into said pit.
    • Note that Hardcore Prawn has thrusters that should technically allow him to fly. Perhaps he was just pretending to be in a bad position just to lure his enemy to the edge.

Mangolin' Pangolins / Double Pangolin (Drillz (the leader) and Hammerz) / Two Bad Ass Pangolins

A gang of totally radical pangolins. They have power tools for arms, street smarts, and an incentive for winning the tournament: freedom.

Hippos With An Eating Disorder / Hippangopotalin with an Anger Disorder / Angsteater

Four berserk, cannibalistic hippos that eat everything in their sight. Now one berserk cannibalistic hippo/pangolin/human thing that eats everything in its sight.

  • Back from the Dead / Came Back Wrong / Came Back Strong(?):
    Why, why, why did nobody stop to think before hauling the corpse of the most intact Hippo left after Round One into the quantum resurrection chamber and hitting the On Switch? The damnable machine fulfilled its purpose of disassembling the hippo at an atomic level and rebuilding it in a living state in the next room - but it also worked its grisly magic on the brute's entire stomach content. Tragically, this meant that the hippo, when reborn, was fused with the remains of eight crowd members and Sawz, the hapless pangolin who was devoured by it at the very start of their duel.
  • Big Eater / Extreme Omnivore: Duh
  • Body Horror: Hippangopotalin.
  • Cannibal: There WOULD be six of them, but two didn't make it.
  • Crack Defeat: Angsteater was eaten by Biguana, who was promptly kicked to death (but not promptly enough to save Angsteater).
  • Make My Monster Grow
  • Mix-and-Match Critter: It "absorbed" Sawz and eight humans when it was reborn.
  • Name That Unfolds Like Lotus Blossom / Stealth Pun: Their name is a combination of the two.
  • Never Found the Body: When the fourth hippo went missing before the match the genre-savvy audience promptly wondered when - not if - it would show up.

PEP-Simian / Crystal PEP-Simian / A Jar Of Frog Piss

Another corporate mascot, this time an axe-crazy chimp with a skateboard who can metabolize CO2.

  • Ax-Crazy
    The Zoofights Foundation took him in when he was but a chimplet, held in a stainless steel boxcar and scheduled to be destroyed after being ejected from the most violent zoo in America for murdering all the elephants.
  • Cool Shades
  • Curbstomp Battle (see below): PEP-Simian was creamed during the voting period, half because Hare Metal had dark magical powers and half because everyone wanted to him fight Croaka-Cola in the Losers League.
    • In the fight with New Croak he was melted, ground up, and drunk by Croak. Such is the fate of those hit with the random factor tractor.
  • Everything's Better with Monkeys
  • Foil (probably): To Croaka-Cola, who's a stoic in a space suit while PEP-Simian is an axe-crazy on a skateboard.
  • Joke Character: A Jar Of Frog Piss.
  • Kill It with Fire and eat its heart for good measure

Hare Metal / Black Rabbath / Thumperstruck

"Hare Metal is an eldritch blend of British steel and forbidden rural energies that, frankly, we do not understand."

Gadadhara / Kali Babar / Muhammut Kali / Vighneshvara, The Lord of Obstacles

An Indian elephant with two sets of Big Muscly ArmsTM from the makers(?) of Croctopus.

  • Ambition Is Evil: From fighter to stock broker by Dudemanguy.
  • Ax-Crazy: "We thought opening up the pachyderm punisher's mind to the ebb and flow of etheric energy that suffuses and connects all of creation would make him a better citizen of the world, but it turns out it just made him better at killing things." While he has Kali's weapons, none of them is an axe.
  • Character Development: In the first two rounds, he was an arrogant brute. From the royal rumble onward, he not only becomes a stronger fighter, but gains a sense of honor as well, refusing to slay Final Mantisy without looking her in the eyes, and standing aside while the spirits of the Mangolin' Pangolins reunite with their brother Sawz.
  • Defeating the Undefeatable: He was the one to finally take out Snapture.
  • Eyepatch of Power: "Eye lost in barfight [....] Why do we let them drink?"
  • Physical God: After his first loss, he was given a Third Eye and eventually started harnessing spiritual powers on a godlike level. He is one of the very rare Zoofighters to have achieved this level of power and not have gone out of control.
  • Multi-Armed and Dangerous: As Muhammut Kali.
Soul Power: Part of his arsenal as Vighneshvara.

Luchadillo / Muertodillo / Armor Dio / Armor Dio and the Super Pangolin Brothers

Half armadillo, half Glyptodon, all wrestler.

Achilles' Eel / Double Eelix

"Cloned from the cells of Caligula's biggest and most vicious Moray Eel, this aquatic titan has been through a phenomenal array of modifications since its birth was greenlit by the deranged marketing committee of the Victory Shoe Company."

Teslacorn / Horsepower / Nightmare

"Surrounded by powerful Horsefields and crackling with ruinous energy, this pale blue apparition gallops through the air on a trail of wild electricity and thundering hooves, spreading loose ions and possibly cancer in her wake."

The World Creature Wars

Knock-off fighters (with their own version of the Major, Commador Disaster) recruited by that damn gecko in a surprise bid to take over Zoofights in the middle of the Losers' League Royal Rumble. Very quickly, they are as follows (descriptions by the Major):

  • BIGUANA — A really BIG iguana. Seriously. He’s quite big. Ate Angsteater, then was knocked out with a kick by Muhammut Kali, who used his Hindu divinity powers to turn it into Giguana, which helped take down the Snapture.

  • CARP. A. DIEM — The murderous Roman fish with muscley hands and a toga. See above.

  • COMMODORE DISASTER with GEKKO — A dollar-store Major Failure and his creepy lizard pet. Final KO: Crushed to death when Muhammut Kali sat on them

  • DOLPHIN LUNDGREN — A dolphin trained to kill by soviet hairdressers. See above

  • JOHN KRAKENROE — A furious tennis-playing squid. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! Ripped apart by Diet Croak

  • MIKE BISON — Mike Bison's gonna Punch Out. Double-KO'd with Dolphin Lundgren by Mahammut Kali

  • OCTOPUS CRIME — An octopus that cannot stop commiting felonies. Double-KO'd with Carp. A. Diem by Mental Ben and Nightmare

  • ARMS 'N DANGEROUS — A ball of Big Muscley Arms controlled by an ameoba, this is the reason for the recent shortage of BMA in the tournament. Killed by Final Mantisy who infected the amoeba, causing it to tear itself apart

  • THE LESSER OF TWO EAGLES — Couldn't get the good eagle, had to get the shit one. Carries picture of brother the Neccesary Eagle. Killed by Carp. A. Diem.

  • A TOTALLY RADICAL CAT WITH ONE LEG — ON A SKATEBOARD First KO: Killed itself by drinking the Frog Piss.

  • Curb-Stomp Battle: The Losers' League competitors destroy them when they attempt to attack.
  • Disc-One Final Boss: They were set up as the main competitor to Zoofights earlier on, and the end of the first round hinted that they would soon play a major role in the story. The Zoofighters of the Royal Rumble demolished them with ease.
  • Harmless Villain: Their whole team only managed to kill one Zoofighter. Who was already incapacitated.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: Most of the WCW fighters are entirely based on atrocious puns.
  • Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: ...more "pathetic" than "sympathetic", really, but it's a bit sad just how little of a resistance they oppose to the Zoofights team.
  • Kaiju: Giguana.
  • Quirky Miniboss Squad
  • Stylistic Suck: In the Major's own words, "they are quite shit".
  • Took a Level in Badass: Biguana, when it became Giguana through Muhammut Kali's powers.


     Zoofights Staff 

Major Failure

The big boss, the one behind it all. Sometimes referred to as "The Major" or "The Good Major". His roleplay persona of choice is Major Failure – an ex-military man with vast wealth who forces animals to brawl for his and others’ amusement. He also posted occasionally as Al Swearengen in Zoofights 3.

  • Blatant Lies: Every tournament Major Failure assures the audience that nothing will go wrong this year. And every year he's wrong. He was especially insistant about it in Zoofights IV, a year when three competitors became Eldritch Abominations.

Gravitas Shortfall

A close friend of Major Failure in Real Life, Gravitas Shortfall tends to assume a second-in-command role. When roleplaying, Gravitas Shortfall acts as the computer system of the complex the tournament is taking place in. He also takes over Zoofights when Major Failure is unable to post for whatever reason (broken computer, lost internet connection, getting married, etc)

Spoonsy and Akumu

These two are the main driving force behind the Loser's League from Zoofights 3 onward. Neither roleplays often, but both are involved in everyday contest proceedings and could be seen as the next step down from Gravitas Shortfall.

     Notable Role Players 

Lily Limbcake (played by Desumaytah)

A very naive child who morphed into an Eldritch Abomination as Zoofights III went on.

Gezora (played by MrGreenShirt)

Gezora is a giant Toku squid who tends bar, occasionally with Al Swearengen.

H.H. Johnson (played by Blurry Gray Thing)

An alien private eye with the ability to shapeshift. H.H. Johnson shows up towards the end of Zoofights 4 to expose Seanet's dark agenda and attempt to put a stop to it. His lines are entries from his journal, in a manner similar to Lily Limbcake. He reappears in Zoofights 5, initially disguised as "Herb from the Wasteland", but eventually grows tired of hiding himself and assumes his true form – a white, humanoid creature resembling an anthropomorphic amoeba. In this arc he still has journal entries but also posts "normally".

Dr. Hanz (played by The Porp)

A Nazi with an accordion for a head, or maybe a Nazi accordion. One of the few audience members to directly influence a tournament match, Doktor Hans' timely use of his Gorillion Dollars (a bonus vote worth 15 normal votes) was essential for The Seal of Disapproval to defeat The Snapture.

  • The Gambling Addict
  • Spanner in the Works: Major Failure said later that there were big plans for The Snapture, but they had to be discarded due to his loss. The climax of Zoofights V, initially planned to center around The Snapture, wound up becoming focused on Croctopus instead.
  • Those Wacky Nazis

The Jukebox (played by Bassetking)

A sapient jukebox with a knack for parody songs.

Sintendo Powerglove (played by ZeeToo)

Notable in that as of the start of Round 2 it has lost nearly every single time in ZF6.

SEGA Activator (played by Asator)

As Powerglove's commercial and spiritual nemesis it has won nearly every single time just because it votes against Powerglove (aside from the time they both voted for Achilles' Eel).

Dr. Robotnik and Matthew Lesko

What started as a simple, amusing rivalry escalated into sheer mayhem when Lesko won all seven Chaos Emeralds off of Dr. Robotnik by continually betting against him. He eventually became Super Lesko, and the two held an exhibition fight during Major Failure's real-life honeymoon to both settle things and provide entertainment while the main tournament was on hold.

  • Chekhov's Gun: The Smash Ball and the Lesko statue.
  • Evil Knockoff: Metal Lesko.
  • Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Robotnik, who is fully in-character as he throws a fit every time he loses a Chao Emerald in a bet. His journal entries leading up to the fight with Lesko paint an incredibly heroic and sympathetic picture.
  • Mecha-Mooks: Robotnik’s army of Eggrobos.
  • Superpowered Evil Side: Lesko turns nasty when he gets all the emeralds.
  • Villainous Rescue: Robotnik defeats Lesko, blowing up his own Death Egg in the process and saving the world from a salesman with the powers of a god.


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