Get A Stupid Answer / Web Original

• He has a magic gun, where'd he purchase that?
  • He never bought it, he crafted it.
  • Wal-Mart.
  • S-Mart. Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart!
  • Uh... internet?
  • As it happens, he didn't - some crazy man ran into his backyard while he was eating his lunch, then gave him the gun and ran away.
  • Renaissance Fair.
  • I think he managed to commission one with the TSAB.
  • Eldritch forged it for him. Don't ask what it cost. Worth every penny, though.
  • Found it on eBay.
  • A Travelling Merchant.
  • He got it for free.
• What's a paladin?
  • Isn't that what that one nutball was?
  • A boat, usually.
  • Cecil Harvey.
  • Look it up.
  • A guy named "Wire."
    • Really? I heard he was just some low-end armored Knight of the Black Fang.
  • Lawful Stupid.
  • Lawful Anal.
  • A Warrior Archetype.
  • It's a game. Go play it if you want.
• Why top eleven?
  • ...These go...to eleven.
  • Because I like going up to eleven.
  • Because REASONS!
  • Wynaut?
• Watamigonnaget?
  • A thumping, if you don't slow down and talk like a sane person.
  • An atomic toaster? By Jove, now we're cooking!
  • I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*
• WHEN'S MAHVEL?
  • It's MAHVEL BAYBEE!
  • They'll bring out a new film in a couple of years, I bet.
  • New comics every week, for your enjoyment.
  • July 25th, 2014.
  • I'll do you one better. Why is Mahvel?
• What do you think about the 21st century?
  • 7/10. B grade, would live through again.
  • Eh, it all goes downhill after Season 15.
• I can has Cheezburger?
  • No.
  • I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57, french-fried potatoes, a big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.
  • Grab your plastic crown, we're going to Burger King!
  • Okay? Now let see—Oh my God, they've got holiday pies.
  • In this restaurant a hamburger deluxe come with frimp fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, AND AIDS!
  • What is "cheeseburger"?
  • Two words: "beef bourguignon".
• Who won? Who's next?
  • The video game boy won.
  • You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting.
    • Like getting the hell outta here!
  • I'm next, Hollywood!
  • Evil has won.
  • I'm a winner, see my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries!
  • Bear and Bird finissshed, Grunty winsss!
  • It's curtains for you creeps! You're history! You've had it! You're done for! It's all over! We win! Time's up! Your clock is cleaned! The sun has set! The fat lady has sung! The cheese has molded! The Super Mario Bros. are no more!
  • It's done! Over! Kaput! Cut! That's a wrap! The Sanctuary is mine: I won!
  • I'M! NEXT!
  • You're next.
• You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?
  • Nah, I'm feeling fine. What's that thing in your mirror, though?
  • Yeah, my pony's gone, some guy made of wood turned me into a guy made of wood, and this flying ball of light blames me for her getting left behind when she could have flown on instead of getting all up in my face.
  • Yeah. I don't even know how it happened. I was just playing a Luna Game.
  • When you say terrible, do you mean terrific? If so, I agree!
  • My friend, you have met a terrible, terrible demise. But, uh, y'know, I-I don't feel too bad about it. After all, if...if it weren't from me, it would've just been from someone else, y'know? I guess what I'm trying to say is, life...life goes on. W-well, from—for everyone else, life goes on. Not...not for you. You're...you're dead. But that's neither here nor there. ^continuedIt reminds me of one summer day in the park. I was having just a delightful picnic with my good friend Orville. And I said to him, I said, 'Orville, I...I have a story.' And he said to me, 'What's the significance of the story?' And...I said to him, 'Orville, not every story has to have significance, y'know? Sometimes, a...y'know, sometimes, a story's just a story. You try to read into every little thing, and find meaning in everything anyone says, you'll just drive yourself crazy. Had a friend do it once. Wasn't pretty. We talked about it for years. And then not only that, but...you'll likely end up believing something you shouldn't believe, thinking something you shouldn't think, o-o-or assuming something you shouldn't assume. Y'know? Sometimes,' I said, 'a story is-is just a story, so just be quiet for one second of your life and eat your sandwich, okay?' Of course, it was only then I'd realized I'd made sandwiches, and...poor Orville was having such difficulty eating it! Elephants have those clumsy hands, y'know? Actually, I-I suppose that's the problem. They don't have hands at all, do they? They're f—they're all feet! And I-I couldn't imagine anyone asking me to eat a sandwich with my feet. Now, if I recall correctly, there was a bakery nearby. I said to him, 'Orville, let me go get you some rye bread.' Now, I'm unsure if elephants enjoy rye bread, but I assure you that Orville does. Now, this was on a Tuesday, which was good, because rye bread was always fresh on Tuesday. They made sourdough bread on Monday, and threw it out Wednesday... Or rather, they sold it at a discount for people wanting to feed it to the ducks, and then, prob'ly at the end of the day, finally, they threw it all out. I-I don't recall. I do remember a man who would bring his son to the bakery every Wednesday, and...then go feed the ducks. He would buy all of the sourdough bread. Of course, y'know, you're not supposed to feed the ducks sourdough bread at all. It swells up in their stomach, and then they all die. At, uh, at least...at least, that's what I've heard. Y'know, I-I never saw any ducks die myself, but I did notice a substantial decrease in the duck population over the course of a few years. I just never thought to stop the man and tell him that he was killing the ducks by feeding them sourdough bread! And if you want my opinion on the matter—heh, and I told Orville this as well—if you wanna feed ducks, or birds of any kind, for that matter, it's best to buy seed. I mean, when you think about it, breads of any sort don't occur in nature. They don't grow on trees o-or spring up from the bushes. I don't think birds know what to do with bread. What was I saying? Oh oh, yes yes. So I bought Orville some rye bread. What a fine day it was.
• Who was phone?
  • Some guy with a really sucky first name. I mean, it's not even capitalised.
  • Ness' dad.
    • Maaaaan, this ain't my dad! This is a cell phone!
  • Since your girlfriend's dad is dead, it's probably her mom.
  • TARTAR IN DA HOUSE!
  [DISABLING CONTEMPORARY SPEECH MODE]
  • PAL.
  • I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!
• WHAT THE FUCK IS A GROMMET?!
  • An inventor's dog.
  • A type of ear infection, as it happens.
  • I don't know, but it sounds like a pretty swood word.
  • Another name for an eyelet.
• What the fuck is a Sonic?!
  • Dude! You don't know SEGA's mascot? Have you been living under a rock or something?
  • I hear he has black and red fur.
    • For the last time, I am Sha- er, no wait, actually, I am Sonic. How about a romantic dinner at-
  • I'm not Sonic! I am... Sonic wearing a silly hat!
  • Forget about Sonic! Just look at my clothes!
  • I know more than you could ever compreh- is that Sonic? How did he get in there? What the fuck is he doing in my shield?
  • A fast-food restaurant.
  • A word meaning 'of or relating to sound'.
  • You can call me Sonic, unlike Knuckles
    I don't flex my muscles, I'd rather chuckle
• Does spider have pusspuss?
  • EW GROSS NO
  • Kind of, female spiders have an epigynum.
• Have you been downloading boobs again, Joel?!
  • Yes. Can a man complete their collection of bird photos without getting death glares?
    • No. Tell 'em what it is, and they'll misunderstand you.
• Who's been drawing dicks?
  • TG: that's the spooky thing about penis ouija you can never be sure who did the dicks
    TG: was it you or me or maybe a ghoooost???
  • Dylan drew the dicks.
  • Yaoi Fangirls.
  • Jester
• Can you call us something other than dipshit?
  • Ok, well how about bitch?!
  • Frosty.
  • Whatever you say, shitdip.
• What's your favorite idea?
  • That we are all basically good.
  • That I'm getting closer and closer to death.
  • There are many great things in life, but peeing is definitely the best.
  • Aim high in life, but watch out for flying boxes.
  • Life is short and sadistic, so make love to it like a one-eyed double agent.
    • Always run in the opposite direction of loud noises.
    • There's always time for more science.
    • Never go anywhere without written instructions.
    • Mine was "Try not to be a jerk", but I'm really liking that one about the sadistic midgets.
  • I've got it: a show about everything.
  • One time, I wanted to have my friends over to watch TV...not unlike this TV that just showed up magically, but not everyone could fit on my one couch, so I thought to myself "Well, what if there was such a thing a bunk bed, but as a couch?". Introducing: the double-decker couch! So everyone can watch TV together and be buddies!
• What?! Pumpkin?! P-pumpkin?! What!? WHAT!!!? PUMPK--WHAT!!!!?
  • You are quite sure there are no pumpkins here. Quite frankly, you find the notion absurd.
  • What? You really expect him to be trusted with explosives?
    • How hard can it be? Just light them and throw.
  • Come on! Anything but more bloody pumpkins!
  • Pumpkin? More like... LAMEkin!
  • I ain't gonna let it get to me, I'm just gonna creep. Down in Pumpkin Hill I gots to find my lost piece.
  • If you are not a slave, I will now pumpkin.
  • Everybody hates pumpkins.
  • Every holiday is pumpkins?
  • Ahh...Mumbo proud of pumpkin spell. Make good soup!
  • Pumpkin making Mumbo hungry. Me get pot ready...!
  • No, I don't want that!
• I just accidentally a whole Coca-Cola bottle. Is this bad?
  • At least you couldn't a Pepsi.
  • Guys, you can't just verbs out of sentences.
  • Caffeeeeeeine'll KILL YA!
  • It's fine, as long as it wasn't New Coke.
    • Hey! I invented that!
• What the bollocking tits ass is a Gooby?!
  • gooby plz
  • Not to be confused with a Goomy.
• What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?
  • Forget it, Nash. It's Florida.
  • More than we have time to discuss here.
  • If you are wrong, you are cool.
  • Seagulls poked at my head. Not fun.
  • It's not my fault I was born this way.
  • Whatever's wrong with you... is no small thing.
  • Normal humans don't go around killing people and burning towns!
    • Anyone I kill is asking for it.
  • Oh, lots of things! In fact, your mother made a list!
• Does Bruno Mars is gay?
  • Everyone is.
  • IS Bruno Mars gay?
  • We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no!
• Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?
  • If you're asking that question, probably not.
• Three: Is also a number. Isn't that right, Watari?
  • Why do you think we have that page titled Rule of Three?
• So this is the stuffing?
  • This is the stuffing!
• Why is it blue?
  • Because it's forking blue. Stop looking for symbolism.
  • Because we managed to fix the redlinks in the article. You're welcome!
  • Blue is very tense.
  • YOU'RE BLUE NOW. THAT'S MY ATTACK! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!
  • Because you touch yourself at night.
• Do you know the way?
  • You're repeating yourself again, Ragna. You don't have to tell me, I'll be fine.
  • I've found it. You must find it too... So I'm going to cut off your head. Then you'll know the truth!
  • Just stick with me, kid. I know this town like the back of my hand. Hey, that's new...
• Should we do something?
  • We should do something!
    • Should we do something?
  • We'll just pass him there. Why should we even care?!
  • "You know what? I think we better think of something!" "I'll think of something!" "And I think we better think of something!" "Good thinking!"
  • Help?! I think you've helped quite enough today!
  • I did something!
  • We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas.
• When will somebody teach me how to walk like Shawn?
  • Unless you want to be an Instant Expert, then we're not doing this.
• What's the secret ingredient?
  • Cleanser.
  • Is it... love?
    • Oh, you're a cute one.
  • The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and is only to be discussed, in part or in whole, with its creator, Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary.
  • Freshly ground plankton.
  • People!
  • Is it salt?
    • No... Nooooooo!
  • The secret ingredient is... nothing! You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient.
  • Probably cat piss.
  • It was the sauce. Not rocket science.
  • Grunka Lunka dunkety doo, We've got a friendly warning for you... Grunka Lunka dunkety dasis, The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis. Asking questions in school is a great way to learn. If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke. We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm, It could easily happen again to you, folks. So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut, Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt! Grunka Lunka dunkety din-gredient, You should not ask about the secret ingredient!
  • Good Lord! According to the spectrolizer, Spargle's magic ingredient was ... water. Ordinary water! Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
  • Everybody knows the secret’s in the glaze.
  • It is the Shaolin's secret recipe.
• Have I brought this chicken for us to eat?
  • We eat BERRIES and MUSHROOMS, you fool!
  • I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps.
• What if you wanted to go to Heaven, but God said, "Nahh, remember when you kept scrolling?"◊
  • Said God is Nuggan, right?
  • But scrolling enhanced my life.
    • Methinks you got that backwards.
  • Heaven can't save us!
• What does the 'D' stand for?
  • Laine is presumptuous in assuming the D is for Debbie. It could be David, or Doris, or Da Ghost. You don't know.
  • Dim-witted... dense... dumb... daft... dippy... dorky... doltish DOOFUS!!!
  • Dragon.
  • (Annoyed Grunt)
  • Dipshit.
  • Dumbass.
  • Dickhead.
    • That is a very immature response.
  • Delicious!
• Me and the girls were going to sneak into an abandoned mental asylum this weekend with a ouija board. Do you want to come?
  • Don't get your hopes up. I don't think you'll get anything more than some wasted time in an abandoned area.
  • I, er... I'll be washing my hair. All evening.
  • Sure! I'll bring the candles, tarot cards and blood of a she-goat.
  • How 'bout NO, YOU CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD?!?
  • No, fuck! I'll get in trouble!
  • The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it.
    4:00, wallow in self pity
    4:30, stare into the abyss
    5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one
    5:30, jazzercize
    6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again
    7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. I'm booked!
    • Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness...
  • No thanks... I'm much too busy staring at nothing...
  • One -- eww! Two -- piss off!
  • I, uh... I have to meet somebody.
    • I left the oven on.
    • You're weird.
  • Uh, excuse me! I think I have to go... shuck some corn.
  • My goodness! Is it 4:30? I'm supposed to be having a back-sack-and-crack!
  • Luigi board?
  • Sorry, I can't. I think I left my oven on fire.
• Nami, my nose is six inches long, I'm wearing a hair-net, and I just shit myself. Do you really think I have a plan 'B'?"
  • 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
    • Of course not! Plan B involves ten times as much gunpowder as Plan A!
  • If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him', Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'.
  • What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!
  • Plan A is "Take it as it comes," Plan B is "First come, first served," and Plan C is "Wing it.
  • Since when have any of our plans actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.
  • Shut up! I never actually had a plan in the first place!
  • The way I see it, we have two options: 1, take it on and kill it, or 2, run away. Who's for 2?
  • Time for plan B...2!
  • Oh well. Plan B. Let's just kill each other.
• WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
  • Your futile exis-tence has no meeea-ning~
  • Ohh~hhh~hhh... Am I doing this right? Ohh~hhh~hhh...
  • This is the price of war, Mr. Gunsales.
  • This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.
• What am I doing? What am I doing? Are you the one who saved me? Oh my god what am I doing?
  • ...What?
• What's the difference between a rock and a reef?
  • It's irrelevant, fool!
• Can You See The Words?
  • Every time you open up your mouth, I see verbs, adjectives, and colors flying out into the world so that they're there to be observed.
  • Sorry, baby, I just don't know the words or how to conjugate them. Was it really past tense I heard, or was it present perfect?
• When did all the windmills start to turn so slow?
  • Take care, your worship, those things over there are not giants but windmills.
  • WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
• A scrumptious piece of cake! Yee! A lie, or not?
  • Why do they always want the cake?
  • Oh, that. I just thought it would be mean. Seriously, you're never going to be able to eat cake again. Imagine that; life without cake.
  • The cake is a lie.
• You're not gonna use your penis gun on the president, are you?
  • Except I'm not gonna piss on the president, I'm gonna go higher; I'm pissing ON THE MOON! How do you like that, Obama? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!
  • Take a shot at the President, now!
  • I am the president!
• Wh-what the hell? Monkey bars? Who's bringing their kids up here? What family actually made it up here?
  • Yours.
• Now when you say you're gonna save me, you mean you're gonna murder the shit outta me, right?
  • Violence cannot be used, the trial insufficient, cannot be done, please stay execution.
  • Yes, my fellow Christians! We have come to save you! FROM YOURSELVES!
• Did someone get the license plate on that Jell-O?
  • Must be a show car.
• Why are you all happy? We're dying!
  • Comedy... It's just tragedy plus time, man.
    • NO TIME HAS PASSED! I'm holding her dead body in my arms!
  • And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
  • I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing.
  • Hey, I never said it was a good joke. I'm just playing along with the gag.
  • When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to World War III over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag!
  • What's so funny? WHAT'S SO GODDAMN FUNNY? You dumbasses think he's your friend and I'm the monster!
  • I want to enjoy your suffering for as long as there are people like you.
• Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to kill me?
  • My, my... there's a lot of things I'd like to do to you, and killing you is at the absolute fucking bottom of that list. Still on it, though.
  • I...will...kill...you!
  • Hey! You will not be allowed to exist!
  • Zack is the only one who can kill me.
  • I admit you're very skilled. But apparently Cloud is the only one who can eliminate me.
  • If we kill it, it won't need help anymore!
  • Look, if I want to kill you that's MY prerogative, okay?!
  • I'm going to kill you... And then kill you again!
  • Yep. I can kill ya.
  • You're a stupid selfish son-of-a-bitch and I want you to die!
    • Shampoo selfish, not stupid.
  • I'm gonna something to you. Imma fuck you up. Imma kill your ass.
  • Yes I- Wait No! I don't want to kill you! I just want to destroy you a little! Geez! Talk about overreacting!
  • If I were actually killing you, there would be a lot more screaming. And irony.
  • How does that feel? SHUT UP! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
  • Any claims that I may be scheming to kill you are all incorrect.
  • Damn straight.
• WHY ARE YOU SO FRIENDLY?
  • Because friendship is magic.
    • Everyone! Friendship is stupid magic!
    • Friendship is a magic thing.
    • That's ridiculous. You can't turn people into frogs with friendship.
  • I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU EVOLVE OK NOW LET'S GO RUNNING IN A PARK
  • Because You Were Nice to Me.
  • YOU IDIOT! That wasn't kindness, it was cunning! She's a gypsy! Gypsies are not capable of real love! Think, boy! Think of your mother!
    • I'm not a gypsy, I'm a pastry chef! Those aren't even similar... Or are they?
  • Well, you know, it’s like the Shakespearean duo, Iago and Othello. When you've known someone for so long and experienced so much together, when they start getting on your nerves a little, you don't just write them off like it's nothing. You work to preserve your friendship, because when all is said and done, nothing on this Earth is more satisfying than looking into their eyes one day and seeing the hope drain from their face as in one fell swoop you destroy them and all they hold dear. Go read Othello. It's great.
  • Aw come on, T-Money, lighten up, man- there's no reason we can't be buds, right?
  • WHY AM YOU SO POLITE?
• How good do you feel when she's dead?
  • Do you feel like a hero yet?
  • She made our lives a living hell / So nasty and so mean / And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava / You should have heard her scream!
  • The way I see it, the body takes a while to cool. So either way, I get what I want.
    • C'mon now, mate. Gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' and rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far.
  • Nobody has the right to kill. Not Mxyzptlk... not you... not Superman. Especially not Superman.
  • It made me feel good about myself. It's like I did something constructive with my life, like I accomplished something.
  • Now you can never come back, you EVIL, HORRIBLE, INSUFFERABLE BITCH!
  • Your mother died a warrior's death. May we all be so fortunate.
  • Uh... um... I'm glad you're dead, you know? I'm glad my wife is dead! I'm glad you're dead, I'm LOL-ing, right. I'M HAPPY!
  • Bitch had it coming anyway.
  • All the better to watch you break down in despair.
  • I should be happy, but... Once I saw Garnet start to cry, I didn't know how I should feel. I kind of wanted to cry too...
• WHY DID WE USHER FORTH THE GREEN APOCALYPSE?!
  • For Science!
  • For the Evulz
  • To accelerate the end of this Crapsack World.
• WHAT ARE THOSE?
  • Uhh, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.
• So I am confusion... why is this one Kansas, but this one is not Ar-kansas?
  • Carry on my wayward son...
  • AMERICA EXPLAIN!
• R2, do you is fucking?
  • Well after we eat, lets go hit the club and have ourselves a little fuckfest! Fuck that guy! Fuck this guy! Fuck those guys! Lets find everything that has a dick and FUCK IT! I'M TOTALLY FUCKING STOKED!
  • "Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police!" "Wait a minute. He never said that."
  • I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around!
  • I'll fuck anything that moooooves!
  • They can not robots you do fuck.
  • I should've been a nun... But I like to fuck.
  • I'm just scared I'll come home one day and find you screwing a toaster.
  • I am fucking my own ancestors. Nothing's gonna stand in my way.
  • Language!
• So, who is the first story?
  • Backstroke of the West.
  • It all starts with this; A jewel containing the ultimate power!
  • In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth...
  • Before time began, there was the Cube.
    • That's not what The Bible says.
  • Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink; he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy—the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
  • We're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?
  • Oh, you must know how it goes! A printer, locked in a desk, is rescued by Rasputin, and then they practice yoga.
• Where are your fingers?
  • Well, I had to make the finger sandwiches out of something, didn't I?
  • Whatever I touch, I don't need fingers.
• Do vampires sh*t?
  • Nobody Poops.
  • Everybody Poops, and if they don't they're an android, and should be destroyed!
  • Shit! I have to shit. I'm sorry... please forgive me...
  • Yes, I do poop.
  • Why you keep asking me that, homes? I told you, I dunno. Where his Holiness does his business, is his business.
  • I love pooping. Also the sound of pooping. Ahhhh... so relaxing.
  • No Dead Body Poops
• Where's... Where's all of our dicks??
  • Yes it's true. This man has no dick.
  • NOT HAVING A PENIS NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE!?
    • This happens all the time. It's detachable.
  • As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!
  • They'll cut your dick in half, and serve it to a pig. And though it hurts, you'll laugh, and dance a dickless jig.
  • They castrated him! His penis is gone!
  • I just sawed this boner in half!
  • At least I've got arms and legs! You don't even got a DICK!
  • Gone. Reduced to atoms.
  • Oh, just look at that, I'm down to my last few cocks. And those strippers weren't cheap either. [gasp]
• But what about DRAGONS?
  • What about them?
  • Nope, still not strong enough to beat Psychic types.
  • Counter-proposal: What about DUNGEONS?
  • Dragons? Come on, guys. Don't tell me we forgot dragons.
    • I think... Jim was on Dragons.
    • No, no -- I was on Dungeons.
  • Holy cosmos, look at that thing! So, that's the dragon of the legends? My gosh! That's one whopper of a lizard!
  • He's some kind of Jewish grand dragon.
    A hambone and a racist and he's green.
    When the evil trolls attack,
    He gives those cans a mighty smack! *cans.wav*
• What if the haters dab back?
  • Serial Escalation.
  • *explosion*.
  • What is that you're holding?
    • A staff?
• Is that racist? Is Google Translate racist...?
  • [Your wife] [is racist] [and] [has a steaming romp with] [your math teacher], [and that's racist!]
  • You humans are all racist.
  • I am not a racist, I am a melting pot of friendship, and I want you to amplify that all over the internets.
  • I am a racist, I am a melting pot of racist, and I have a whole bunch of slaves that happen to be black!
  • You're racist!
  • Gentlemen, if there's one thing I hate more than the Chinese, it's racism.
  • There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch.
  • You are racist.
• What does K. Rool mean by "A doomsday weapon that could destroy the whole island"?
  • The Blast-O-Matic at Hideout Helm, which will be used to destroy Kong Island if it isn't deactivated.
    • And he'll blow the island up multiple times.
  • That's a really small doomsday.
  • The Zero Cannon.
• Who wants to be a bee?
  • The Hive is wonderful! Makes me wish I was a bee!
  • You mean you want me to be a bee?!
    ...
    Ahem. I said bee!
    • "Nope, not gonna do it this time." "Drat!" "Oh, OK, but they better laugh! AAAAAAAAAAH!"
    • AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
• How do you want to do this?
  • No items, Fox only, Final Destination.
  • de_dust2 only.
  • cs_office only.
  • TTT_Minecraft_B5 only.
  • ba_electricprison only.
  • Blood Gulch only.
  • ctf_2fort only.
  • ba_jail_minecart_b7 only.
• You don't die, do you?
  • We are not among the living, so we cannot die, but neither are we dead. We have all the desires of the living, but cannot satisfy them! Ten years I have been parched of thirst, and unable to quench it! Ten years, I have been starving to death... and haven't died!
  • That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die.
  • I, Geras, am a fixed point in time. With every death and rebirth, I grow stronger!
  • The last time they buried you, they made one big mistake, Thibor Ferenczy. They left your fucking head on!
  • Nope, I have Joker Immunity.
    • *BLAM* It's just been revoked!
  • I'll never die.
  • Elise, guess what? I can never die!
  • I am very difficult to kill. You should already know that.
  • Duh! I'm a ninja master. If I was gonna die, it would be to teach you a lesson.
    • One day you're going to die! No need to fear, 'cause when it's here, you won't be alive!
  • I always come back.
• I am fat. Am I right?
  • Tsk! Tsk! How can anyone let himself get so obese?
  • You were fat... once... You once-fat fatty fat walrus!
  • What's the matter? Fat got your tongue?
  • Fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents.
  • Just ten pounds of useless dead weight. Soon to be two hundred and ten. Fatty.
  • You could stand to lose a few pounds.
  • You're fat. Lol. Get rekt you fat scrub man.
  • Stanley was fat and ugly and really really stupid.
  • You're fat, don't sugarcoat it cause you'll eat that too.
  • You're a pig. / You pig. / Stop eating, yeah. / Your body's getting too big. / You pig. / You're a Bigfoot, yeah, but no more chicken and cow.
  • I wonder where this fat fuck floated in from?
  • OMG! I'm SOOO totally FAT! <3
  • How fat are we talking? Queen Latifah fat or John Travolta fat? Kirstie Alley fat? Old Ricki Lake fat? New Ricki Lake fat?
  • Fat?
  • If I'm fat, I'm fat where a woman should be fat, not skinny like a boy!
  • That fat part was uncalled for.
  • I may be a traitor, but I am not fat!
  • That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!
  • I'm not fat. I'm just a big loser.
  • Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
  • I BET YOU'RE SO DAMN FAT, YOU USE PILLOW-CASES FOR SOCKS! YOU DIABETIC FOOT ASSHOLE!
  • You naughty little shit! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME FAT?!
  • You suck at life, you fat asshole. Look at this: they don't call them chubby fucksters for nothing!
  • Garfield, you fat cat! You are so big and fat! Why are you so fat?!
  • I am rubber, you are fat, don't you dare touch my hat!
  • Just now tell me once again who's fat.
  • Query: Define "fat".
• Birds?! What are they?!
  • What are birds? We just don't know.
  • I would have given it to you, but you've never trusted birds.
  • I think you're a bird!
    I AM NOT A BIRD!
  • I'm a little bird! Tweet tweet! Motherfucking tweet tweet!
  • The birds! Are birds!
  • THE BIRDS are EVIL. THE BIRDS! EVIL, EVIL THE BIRDS! EVIL, EVIL!
  • Feathered hosers.
  • Orchestral flutes.
• Why a prostitute everywhere?
  • All Women Are Lustful.
  • the girls must be hoes, because with hoes you don't feel love for them
• How might a robot eat an ice cream sandwich?
  • Don't we already have a trope about this?
  • I eat with my mouth.
    • They eat with their mouths? Ugh, I think I'm going to be violently ill!
  • We consume food in the traditional human manner. Observe. *smashes ice cream sandwich on face*
    Yum yum, good. Yum, yum, good. See?
• Do you know where the nearest hot topic is?!
  • Have you not heard? Incel protagonists and buying slave racoon girls is all the rage right now.
  • The FLAMETHROWER! The kids love this one.
  • False hope is my new trend.
  • Dewford Town Hall.
  • Right now, it's only anti-heroes.
    • And that's the worst kind of hero there is! They give us villains a good name!
• What the FUCK?! Is that Shadow's dick?!
  • That's a Penis.
  • Hands off my COCK!
  • Pillowy mounds of mashed DICKS!
  • Penis! Penis! Big fucking erect penis, Mom! PENIS! PENIS!
  • Don'tlookathispenisdon'tlookathispenisdon'tlookathispenis—agh! I looked.
  • Awww, f---k you! It was dicks! They were touching! It was like the unrated Magic Mike!
  • I got plenty of pictures of my own dick! I don't need yours!
  • Dicks on Miiverse, Nintendo employee was eating a sandwich.
  • We're gonna be talking about THE PENIS!
• WHO posted my NUDES on Twitter.com?!
  • Mr. Welch. Hence rule 482.
  • Did you?
  • Your Mom.
  • Breaking news, folks! We have an exclusive look at the latest nudes!
• How many times are you going to run!?
  • Oh, you'll be surprised what cowardice has done for us so far.
• Don't you support gay rights?
  • You fucking homos!
  • Go away, you fucking gay!
  • I can't go on, the Homosexuals are going to kill us.
  • Gay rights? They ain't worth spit.
  • Ha ha, very fucking funny, Plankton, but you're gonna have to do a lot better than taking a stab at my sexuality to offend me!
  • Gay rights? Geez, you already got all those! What the hell do you want now?
• What I wanna know is; where's the caveman?
  • Encino.
• Would you like to see the strongman?
  • I am the strongman.
• Boss won't get off your back?
  • Girlfriend won't stop nagging you?
  • Did that fuckstick Tiffany sell you a bullshit dagger that broke almost immediately despite the fact that you spent half your goddamned Col on it?!
    • Sorry, no refunds!
  • Have you considered murder?
    • Billy, fighting outside of a hockey rink is wrong, but, uh, I'm imaginary, so do what you gotta do.
  • The boss is the boss, right?
• Are we making meth?
  • You got one part of that wrong. This... is not meth.
  • I have harnessed the power of crystal METH!
  • I'm selling meth!
• CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?!
  • Change your rage into a smarter, greater cause!
  • Can't hold on or life won't change!
  • I'm incapable of change. You are in a constant state of flux.
  • Hey now, it's a little too late for me to change now. And even if you showed me the way how, I don't have time tonight.
  • Somebody once asked "Could I spare some change for gas? I need to get myself away from this place." I said "Yep! What a concept! I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change."
• C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself?
  • There are still many exams left before you'll be qualified to die.
  • I Cannot Self-Terminate.
  • This would be a good death... But not good enough.
  • Why should I play the Roman fool, and die on mine own sword? Whiles I see lives, the gashes do better upon them.
  • I kill me; I really do.
• Can I ask you a personal question?
  • Attempt it and you die!
    • That escalated quickly.
  • The attempt will end your life, Hal Jordan.
• And do you know who showed up just in the nick of time, and gave me a sword and a blanket, and taught me to believe in myself?
  • Pepsiman.
• How could you let my son get killed?
  • How are we going to defeat Buu?
    • Stick the knife in his back, and twist! TWIST! TWIIIIIIIIIIIST!
  • Why does asparagus make your pee smell funny?
  • If you have kids some day, you'll understand.
• Do you think he's compensating for something?
  • You know, Shrek says that the castle is compensating for something, and I think it means he has a REALLY small-
    • Okay, time to go.
  • The hammer is my penis.
  • The lighthouse is his penis.
  • I'm hangin' it in front of my groin to suggest it's mah giant penis.
• How does this not make you a terrorist?
  • We've done a lot of things we're not proud of—robbin' graves, plunderin' tombs, double parking...But nobody got hurt!
    
    Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew...
  • Uh, true, but they're the heroes of this movie, so they're always right.
  • I'll prove I'm a good guy, even if I have to destroy this entire city and beat you to a pulp!
  • He was a hacker who did any work for hire and stole money from bank accounts, but then accidentally targeted someone powerful who killed his six-year-old niece, which gave him a little Spider-Man moment and he declared that from this day forth he would use his powers to—! ...continue working for hire and stealing money from bank accounts. But also fight crime! ...In-between. If he can be arsed. Not stealing-money crime, or property-damage crime, or murdering-policemen crime; just, you know, all the bad crimes, the ones committed by people other than himself.
  • Your Terrorists Are Our Freedom Fighters.
  • You have murdered our women, and our children, and bombed our cities from afar, like cowards, and you dare to call us terrorists?!
  • Some people call me a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher.
• I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?
  • Three words: Ain't. Worth. Spit.
• Oh dear! Mysterious soldiers that I have never seen before and whom are clearly not on my payroll! Whatever shall I do?
  • GUARDS! There is a traitor among us! And I swear it's not me!
  • Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
• I can't believe Shiryu literally left this earth. Do you realize what this means?
  • I got dibs on his helmet.
    • Seventeen years, nothin' changed.
  • Stop talking...like I'm dead. I still have *HRK*...other spin-offs to appear in!
• Is the strongest always in the right?
  • Idealism and hard work is fine and all, but money and muscle win every time.
  • Might Makes Right.
    • Might can trollz everything.
  • Evil refers to the loser.
    • Then let me show you just how evil you are!
• Hey there, friend! Now, how would you like a big bowl of piss off?
  • How should we piss off, O Lord?
• First question: have you sinned against God?
  • Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... but that's not why I'm here.
  • Satan has penetrated you over 13,000 times, you whore... GOD DEMANDS YOUR REPENTANCE!
  • Bless me, Father, for I have just killed quite a few men.
  • Bless me, Father. For I must sin.
  • Everything I've ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place I've ever been
    Everywhere I'm going to
    It's a sin
  • I've committed no sins.
    • You've sinned against your family.
    • Family isn't everything.
    • I was wrong. You have no family.
  • You assholes! That roof protects my sins from God!
  • Jesus died for our sins. Hee hee hee! One more won't hurt!
  • No. It was God who sinned against me.
  • Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
    • That's putting it mildly, 007.
• Alright, question two: do you regret any of this? Do you, with your stupid face?
  • Kid, I invented the phrase "no regrets". I do have one regret of not trademarking it.
  • Why not ask yourself that question?
  • I have no regrets.
  • I have no shame for my alleged 'crimes'.
  • I Regret Nothing
  • I've got no regrets.
• OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAACE?!
  • Nothing like having your face cut off to disturb your sleep!
  • You fucked up my face.
    • You fuck my face!
  • My father decided to teach me a permanent lesson...on my FACE!
    • The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left.
  • Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did.
• Why is the camera zooming in?!
  • I want to see your big boobs, girlie... And your big butt, too...
• Hey, I've got some vital information to tell you! You want it?
  • Attempt it and you die!
  • The attempt will end your life, Hal Jordan.
  • Let me guess, my car warranty's about to expire?
• Who the fuck still uses a payphone?
  • It's mostly for drug dealers and fugitives from the law, which is us.
  • I'm at a payphone trying to call home. All of my change, I spent on you.
• Would you fuck a clone of yourself?
  • I do not fuck me.
  • I have been meaning to figure out how to turn self-love into an atrocity...
  • When I said you should screw yourself, I didn't mean for you to take it literally.
• I only have one followup question: which one is Brump and which one is Tiden?
  • It's irrelevant, imbecile.
• Inflation?! You have the power of God at your fingertips, and you choose to watch inflation?! What the hell is wrong with you?!
  • I just love to watch the whole world burn, so I can take all the money they left behind for myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
• Diddy, you ever get the feeling that we're only allowed to exist because our true creators haven't noticed our existence in this Internet video void and could easily, legally, take us down at any given moment?
  • No copyright law in the universe is going to stop me!
• Does it taste good when you bite a woman?
  • Tastes Like Chicken.
  • Brother, you bite my baby tonight cause it's too darn hot.
  • Mmm, tastes peachy...
  • Man or woman, they all taste the same to me.
• Who Killed Toadsworth?
  • Nobody, Nintendo just keeps forgetting he exists.
  • You know!
    • Oh, that's right. Me.
• What's with these awkward subjects?
  • Why's all this art so rubbish?
  • You know what? I'm hungry!
• Did you just…talk out of your ass?
  • Well to be fair, Vegeta, you are part of my DNA.
• Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'?
  • Pokémon, of course!
  • A game where you fuckin' kill yourself, apparently.
  • LAST NIGHT I PLAY SUPA SMASH BRODAS.
    • I told you, Pit. It's Super Bash Sisters.
  • I play Pokémon Go everyday, I play Pokémon Go.
  • Get the fuck out of my room, I'm playing Minecraft!
• You mean a chubby, unattractive male gets a saucy, hot as hell female?
  • Never Heard That One Before
• A Bat-credit card? They gave him a Bat-credit card? They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest super-heroes of all time A BAT-CREDIT CARD?!?!
  • That's HIS credit card and he can do ANYTHING he wants with its money.
  • (Cash_Register_Kaching_SoundEff.mp3)
• Why…didn't…you…DOOOOOOOOOODGE!?
  • Because the game I'm playing has Turn-Based Combat.
  • I thought I could parry the bullets.
• How the fuck did we get to Egypt?!
  • We just walked from Israel for years.
  • The only question is "How did we get away from Egypt?"
• Bro, are you flirting with my sister?
  • Yes I am!
    • Do you wanna die?
    • Yes I do!
    • Been dead, done that!
• What is the biggest thing in the world?
  • Nothing. Even this world ain't big enough for the two of us.
• Now, just a few more questions and we'll be on our way! What's your favourite colour? Do you like cow's or goat's milk? Do you have brown hair? What is your blood type? Are you allergic to-
  • Whoa whoa whoa, would ya let us answer? Sorry, what was the first question again?
  • It's irrelevant, imbecile. It's irrelevant.
  • What does that matter? All that matters is that the time is late, that I'm afraid and I need your help.
• Are you hungry? You look to be a bit hungry!
  • I came to suck you dry.
  • I don't eat.
  • Oh, boy! I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!
• What's that? A tasty snack?
  • Which you can have...for a price.
• where Are the 3-cheese pizzas
  • I ate those food
  • It was Donnie, not me!
    • The wrapper's stuck to your shell, bro!
• where did all the hamburger helper go
  • *brup*
• where did all the water on earth come from
  • *bruce wayne*
  • Water comes from various places. The ocean, rivers, lakes, rain, melting ice cubes, you know, a lot of different places.
  • In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
• Why are you applying for this position?
  • I'm organized, punctual, and I think I could do a pretty good job.
  • DAMN! I NEED MONEY!
• Do everybody hire a job?
  • LOW PERMEABILITY!!!
• Garfield, I have no girlfriend! You are cheese. Why are you so viable?
  • I have soul
  • I’m not interested in curds and whey.
• What if I gave you four billion pounds of ham?
  • Well Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... You steam a good ham.
  • What is that you're holding?
• What's a midi file?
  • Go Google it.
  • mm2wood.mid.
• why is there fire over there?
  what did you do?
  • Sure, this is your kingdom. BUT IT'S NOT MINE!
  • I am the god of hellfire! And I bring you
    Fire, I'll take you to burn
    Fire, I'll take you to learn
    I'll see you burn
  • WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!!!
• Wait, hold on. You're from Australia?
  • That I am...wanker.
  • I come a land down under, where beer does flow and men chunder.
• That's a nice argument, Senator. Why don't you back it up with a source?!
  • My source is that I made it the fuck up!
  • I only state facts.
  • "Here be me source." "That sounds credible!"
• WANNA SEE ME DRINK THIS GUY?!
  • YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY, FOOL!
  • You're a vampire?
• What's for dinner? [SERIOUS]
  • I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
  • Human.
  • Two words: Beef bourguignon.
• How about a quiche? For lunch?
  • Hey! How about you eat my dick? For lunch?
  • I'd rather have two more number 9s, another number 9 large, another number 6 with extra dip, another number 7, two more number 45s, one with cheese, and another large soda.
  • Real Men Don't Eat Quiche.
  • You aren't ready for the responsibility.
  • Two words: Beef bourguignon.
  • Couldn't ya at least make me a cup of tea or somethin'? Hell, that'd be real polite.
• Did he not feel pa-a-a-ain when he was hu-u-u-urt?! I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, did he not shit?! Did he not dreerj?!
  • Cyborgs do not feel pain. I do.
  • He's a human with the ability to negate pain in his cells.
• What were they thinking?!
  • Thinking the Same Thought
    • But then they thought about the game!
  • That's the problem: They don't even have the ability to think.
• My very educated mother just served us nine what?! What?! What?! What?!
  • Since I told your mom I like Peaches, she keeps making me peach desserts I don't want!
• Wha Huppun?
  • Double Knockout.
  • He got the boot.
  • The Fellowship Has Ended.
• We have a very different song we sing here, boys. Now, tell me...how does it go?
  • It goes "de da de dum, La de da de dum" Something... something... "birds."
  • "Thought endless in fli~ght... Day turns to ni~ght..."
  • Cook a ghost on the grill! Whaaaaat the fuck?! You thought this was gonna be a regular edition of the song, but joke's on you! You think the last song would be good, but HA-HA! *laff*
  • Deck the halls with...
    
    Pepperoni
    The sewer
    Santa Claus
    --> Rocks
  • "Shama, shama... ela mal kemama..."
• How do atronuts live in the outer space
  • You made a spelling and grammar mistake. It's "How do astronauts live in outer space?"
• Sup, kid? Trick or yeet?
  • Hey! I'm old enough to drive!
• Ow! Ah, how many times do I have to tell you to stop poking me with that stick?
  • Seventy-two, but it's not definite that I'll stop at that point.
• If you're so powerful, then answer me this:
  What kind of crap magic gets destroyed by a kiss?
  • The Power of Love
• You Know Whats Bullshit?
  • The fact that you spout (filtered) is.
• What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?
  • You got a yee-yee ass haircut and now you're shaming yourself.
• Who will pass on my legacy if you are gone?
• How y'all gonna combine and make mid?
• Has anybody populated Madagascar yet?
• What is the point of Minecrap?
  • The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose.
  • All in all, it was all brown bricks in the wall.
  • Informative murder porn.
• YO, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! WHAT GODDAMN COLOR IS THIS?! HUH?!
  • The colour... was almost impossible to describe; and it was only by analogy that they called it colour at all.
• HEY MARIO! EVER WANTED TO BE A DOG?
  • I wanna be your dog.
• Are you Elon Musk, and you want a girl to like you?
• AHHH WHO THE F@%# THROWS THEIR PISS AT PEOPLE!?
  • The Sniper.
• What Wikipedia article did you edit my death into?
  • Atlantic Records.
• So what you're saying is you're inside of another man?
  • Yes... I lived inside him.

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