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"Dear Chief Replacement: I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M GOING TO FUCK THE FEAR TURKEY. Follow me on Twitter @thecrimsonfuckr. Sincerely, Alucard."

The Abridged Series of Hellsing Ultimate, made by Team Four Star. That's about all you need to know.

Originally intended to be only a single episode (released November 1, 2010), everyone enjoyed it so much that they decided to essentially make it an annual special, with episodes 2, 3, 4 and 5 releasing on November 7, 2011; November 5, 2012; November 4th, 2013; and November 2nd, 2014 (with a very short bonus video, "A Very Hellsing Christmas Special", releasing December 24, 2014). Following a brief hiatus in 2015, episodes 6, 7 and 8 were released on January 31st, 2016, December 31, 2016 and October 13, 2017. Episode 9 was released November 24, 2018, and Episode 10 - the series finale - was released two weeks later, on December 8th.

The Character Page is currently on construction. Please contribute if you will.

You can find it here on YouTube.

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged provides example of the following Tropes:

  • Accidental Misnaming: Seras is continually called "Police Girl" by pretty much everyone. How much of this is intentional (mostly Alucard) and how much is people simply not knowing better varies from person to person. Note that she's also listed as "Police Girl" in the credits. She actually allows Pip to call her "ma chère" because it's preferable to "Police Girl". In Episode 7 she shows how pissed off she is with it when she screams "Say My Name" before grinding Zorin's head against the wall. This stops following that episode with Seras coming into her own as a full vampire.
  • Actually Pretty Funny:
    • Alhambra tells Alucard that he lied to the local police that he'd make them immortal if they tried to take out Alucard in his penthouse hotel room (which they failed to do, natch). Alucard finds this revelation hilarious.
      Alhambra: I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.
      Alucard: And they fucking bought that?
      Alhambra: Like discount peixe.
      Alucard: (genuinely amused) You cheeky dickwaffle!
    • The Major makes an impressive Motive Rant that ends in a glory hole joke. Integra isn't impressed but Pip gives it an eight out of ten.
  • Adaptation Explanation Extrication: In the original series, the Jackal handcannon was created with dealing with Anderson's incredible durability and regeneration. While Alucard does request a new gun in Episode 2, nothing was said for how powerful it will be, thus all the scenes of him doing far more damage with his black gun over his white go unexplained.
  • Adaptational Heroism:
    • Broadly speaking, Abridged has a more heroic perspective of the Catholic Church (Always Chaotic Evil in the original). Maxwell has more standards (such as a distaste for racism and pedophiles, never expressed in the original), despising the Nazis (while his original self didn't really care about the Nazis and gleefully admitted the Church worked with them during the war). They also remove a scene where The Pope remembers with fondness the days the Church and the Nazis were allies. Most importantly, Maxwell's "crusade" is given a different context. While both in Abridged and the Original he's doing it against the orders of the Pope, in the original the entire Iscariot troops and Papal Knights give him his full support. In Abridged it's made clear all the armed battalions of the Catholic Church refused to follow him, so the battalions under Maxwell are bottom-of-the-barrel fundamentalists (three of which aren't even Catholic and one of which isn't even Christian — and that one specifically joined just to fuck with Maxwell by running off with the equipment he gave them) he grabbed around the world rather than Papal Knights. Or as Anderson puts it;
      You don't have to follow orders when your leader's acting like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's dead.
    • Not to say the rest of the Church not with Maxwell are totally clean, however, as, besides the part about the Church spiriting the Nazi survivors to safety from the backstory being kept, unlike the original, the finale reveals that Millennium got their cybernetic technology from the Church, instead of Herr Doktor being the source, a fact which they want to keep under wraps from Hellsing.
  • Affably Evil:
    • Much like the source material, Alucard (though less courtly manners and more cheery sarcasm). It takes a special kind of troll to begin a death-threat by describing it as a friendly little letter, end it with Sincerely..., and in the middle request that the person being threatened follow the author on Twitter.
    • Oddly enough, some of Millennium's soldiers who are Nazi Vampires, are quite likable. One of them even politely asks if Integra (who is being chased by them) could please pull over her car, firing rockets at her when she denies their request.
    • Even Jed from the KKK is quite jovial.
    • In Episode 8, it's revealed that Satan is strangely amiable to both God and Alucard, expressing sorrow (maybe sincerely) for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and even asking God to ease up the requirements for getting into Heaven because Hell is getting too crowded.
  • Affectionate Nickname:
    • Upon noticing the Queen of England, Alucard immediately calls out "Betty!" She responds by calling him "Ally" in return.
    • Pip flirtatiously calls Seras "ma chère", which she's not thrilled about, but likes better than "Police Girl."
  • And Here He Comes Now: In Episode 8, as Seras is recounting the events of what has happened, including her ascension to fully-fledged vampire, Anderson has this to say:
    Anderson: And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire. It's a shame your blood sugar-daddy won't be here to see it.
    (the low-key intro of 'Ready to Die' begins to play, prompting a Mass "Oh, Crap!" from all in attendance as an aircraft carrier comes sailing out of the fog, and the song truly gets started)
  • Arc Words: "A real fucking vampire." This is Alucard's line after killing Edward Cullen in the very first episode, and later how he encourages Seras to defeat Zorin Blitz by embracing her vampirism.
  • The Aristocrats: While Alucard is having a flashback to when he was Count Vlad "The Impaler" Dracula III, Van Hellsing (the guy who stakes him) gives him a "Reason You Suck" Speech, detailing all the depravities and murders Alucard pulled off, asking him, finally "What say you now?" Alucard replies: "The Aristocrats."
  • Armor-Piercing Question: After she arrives on the boat, Rip Van Winkle asks the vampire in command how it feels to betray his country, his men, his family and friends to Nazis for the sake of immortality. The stunned vampire replies that, when put like that, it makes him feel (put politely) terrible.
    • Alucard manages to ask HIMSELF one after drinking Schroedinger's blood:
      Alucard: Am I a bad person?
      • He later gets asked that same question by his own soul during the 30-year Time Skip.
      Alucard's Soul: Are we a bad person?
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
    • In his time, Alucard has caused massive collateral damage ("Good times!"), multiple noise complaints ("Sorry, I can't hear you!"), a dozen innocent deaths ("So did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!"), and lots of sexual harassment.
      Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.
    • That's only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Alucard's misdeeds over the years:
      Alucard: Oh, so it's my fault, then? Everything is my fault, apparently. Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault. Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault? Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Ooh, my fault!
    • When fighting the elder of the Valentine brothers, Alucard tells him to "Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me! Give me a hug!"
    • Why did Anderson kill Maxwell?
      Anderson: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic and the false god...also you're a daft cunt.
  • Astonishingly Appropriate Interruption:
  • Asshole Victim: The fact that the main enemy is an army of Vampire Nazis means that no one has any reason to feel the least bit sorry for them. Hell, even the Major himself doesn't give a shit, even as they are slaughtered by Alucard.
  • Atomic F-Bomb: Zorin Blitz lets loose with several atomic C-Bombs as Seras is tearing her zeppelin apart with her twin Harkonnen II cannons, with the loudest one being while her blimp descends after being hit.
  • Atrocious Alias: A man is appalled at the codenames that his partner chose for each other while he's spying on Alucard in Brazil.
    "Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. [...] Also, I'm choosing the Goddamn nicknames next time!"
  • Attack! Attack... Retreat! Retreat!:
    Jan: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves? That garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick. So, thick enough you're gonna need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!
    Walter: Police Girl, if you may.
    Seras: Bitches love cannons! (BOOOOOOOOOOOM!)
    Jan: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
  • Attention Whore: Both Integra and Alucard notice that Rip Van Winkle is one, due to her making a ton of references and Shout-Out to other things and saying stuff like "LOL I so randum!"
    Rip Van Winkle: My name is Rip van Winkle, and I command your respect!
    Alucard: No, you demand my attention.
  • Autobots, Rock Out!: Many times; Alucard naturally gets a few of these, but so too does Seras, and even Anderson.
    • Alucard:
      • In episode 4, Alucard arrives to stop Rip Van Winkle accompanied by ACDC's "Shoot to Thrill". Their fight and her subsequent execution are set to a remix of "In The Hall Of The Mountain King", from The Social Network.
      • Alucard makes an especially epic entrance at one point accompanied by Andrew W.K.'s "Get Ready To Die". Given the way the music's volume changes based on distance and perspective, it's apparent that wasn't a series soundtrack, but rather Alucard actually playing it from the ships speakers.
      • Alucard's transformation into Dracula in Episode 8 is quickly followed by a Curb-Stomp Battle of epic proportions, set to "Party Party Party" (also by Andrew W.K.), which was the theme tune for Episodes 1-4. It's just as amazing a moment as it sounds.
    • Any time Seras (The Police Girl) starts kicking ass, Rob Zombie provides the accompaniment.
    • "Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphies plays during the Iscariots' Badass Boast in Episode 5.
    • An Invoked example, also in episode 5; the Nazis play "War" (what is it good for?) by Edwin Starr when attacking London. The Major even joyfully quotes the lyrics while relishing in the carnage.
      The Major: But first— the answer. To an age. Old. Question.
  • Badass Boast:
    • Alucard seems pretty fond of shooting them down whenever one of his opponents delivers one.
    • Integra gives one to Father Anderson on Alucard's behalf in episode 1 when Anderson claims to have killed him by decapitation.
      Integra: Oh, well, that's step one. What about two through ten?
      Anderson: Ah, Christ!
      Alucard: (regenerates) You dun goofed.
    • Walter is pretty good at doing these, and backing them up.
      Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
    • The Iscariot Order/Vatican Section XIII get one of the most epic ones ever in episode 5:
      Anderson: WHO ARE WE?!
      Iscariots: The necessary evil!
      Anderson: WHY are we necessary?
      Iscariots: To purge the world of evil worse than man!
      Anderson: And WHY are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?
      Iscariots: BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!
      Anderson: And because it's FUCKIN' FUN! Ah HA-HA-HA HAAAAAA-MEN!
  • Badass Longcoat: Alucard and Anderson both sport these.
  • Bad Boss:
    • Alucard does not want to be pals with Pip.
      Pip: Hey, maybe later, if it's not too weird, you wanna...go get a drink? Maybe hit up a club?
      Alucard: You're not my friend; you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name; until then, you're spare blood.
    • The Major, given the speech he gives to his troops right after Rip Van Winkle is gruesomely killed by Alucard.
      Major: Gentlemen, Operation Bait Van Winkle was a resounding success.
      • He also doesn't care if all of his men die, because... they're Nazis. Please note that he is also a Nazi.
    • Seras obviously considers Integra one, considering the reason for her nonchalance about HR's brutal death is that they ignoring her many sexual harassment complaints, to the point she considers Integra worse than Alucard.
  • Bait-and-Switch: You'd think you'd be able to guess Father Anderson's favorite cereal after learning Alucard's is Count Chocula, right? Wrong. It's essentially the same joke (Anderson is quite a lot like Frankenstein's monster), but with a less painfully obvious punchline.
    Anderson: Now, what do you say we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenber— oh, son of a Protestant whore!
    • In episode 10, when a Vatican priest freaks out over Pip’s eavesdropping, Heinkel says he is "something most foul and inhuman": a French man in love with an English woman.
  • Bait-and-Switch Comparison:
    Anderson: Now if you would be so Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out. (camera on Seras) And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! (camera on Pip) And the woman!
  • Bait-and-Switch Credits: The first episode starts with the opening for what appears to be a One Piece Abridged Series, only to suddenly cut to a dimly-lit house full of corpses. This prank was long in the making as a preview for what they were going to show at that con suggested "a special premiere" and showed a shoddily blurred One Piece Logo that anyone familiar with One Piece would recognize. In addition, Lanipator released on his own channel five days previous him singing a song for the secret premiere, the song being the anthem for One Piece that is We Are. Once again not alluding to anything, but still strongly suggesting it was One Piece. This comes full circle as Lanipator's karaoke version of We Are is the credits song for the first episode of Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
  • Batman Gambit:
    • Walter's plan to get Alucard to Brazil relies on the vampire's pathological insubordination. Walter tells Alucard that he has a lot of unused vacation days, and that he may go anywhere he wants except Brazil, because Integra told him not to. Cue Alucard hopping on the first flight he can, straight for Brazil.
    • The Major lured Alucard away so he could begin the invasion of England, knowing Integra couldn't resist sending him to dispose of a powerful vampire. Lampshaded by the Major, since he explicitly laid out his plans just so Integra would plan around them, and his real plan relied on her doing that so she'd be suckered into taking the bait.
      Major: Now zat zey know our plans, zey vill plan around our plans. And so ve shall in turn plan around the plans zat zey are planning around our plans!
    • The Major's cunning gets even more elaborate regarding his plan to take down Alucard. Even if Iscariot managed to somehow take down every single one of Alucard's absorbed souls to render his #LifeHack useless, even if Walter's fight managed to push Alucard enough to try and replenish his stock by eating all of London, even if Schrodinger turned out to be as paradoxical as he would, the entire plan still only had a 50% chance of success providing everything went right, rendering it down to basically, as the Major put it, a coin flip.
      Integra: What did you DO?!?
      Major: I CALLED HEADS!!!
  • Be Careful What You Wish For: Pip expresses disappointment at the fact that despite Millennium's forces consisting of Nazi Vampire Super Soldiers, their tactics consist of what seems to be Dumb Muscle pulling off a combination of a Leeroy Jenkins-fueled Zerg Rush and getting picked off easily, wishing they give them any sort of challenge. However once Zorin uses her illusion magic to make it seem like she's a giant, he instantly shits himself in fear, wishing he could be anywhere but there.
    Pip: I want to go back to the Middle East...
  • Berserk Button:
    • Do not touch Alucard's 70-inch, Plasma-screen TV.
      Alucard: They say TV makes people violent, but I'd say not having my TV is making me PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!
    • Do not suggest that Alucard get 3D TV.
      Alucard: No! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
    • Seras seems to enjoy the concept that if you have to kill a zombie, you might as well kill them all. Through a blood rage.
    • The Major hates Cold Wars.
      "Blue balled for 40 years."
    • Zorin outright devolves into Angrish on finding out she's being sent on a recon mission.
    • Declaring yourself a god is not a healthy thing to do in earshot of Anderson.
  • BFG: Seras gets an anti-tank rifle, per Alucard's request.
  • Bifauxnen: Integra's appearance is lampshaded.
    Anderson: What the hell do you want, you crazy Protestant bastard?
    Integra: I'm a woman.
    Anderson: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.
    • More heavily lampshaded in episode 5, where the Nazi-vampires chasing her down are surprised to hear that she's a woman... and 22 years old.
  • Big Entrance: Attempted and failed by Alucard. He was supposed to burst through the doors to the meeting with the Queen and the Catholic Church, with Pip or Seras forgetting which song to use.
    Alucard: (audibly outside the door) What do you mean 'you forgot the song'? Okay scr- screw it, screw it! No, screw it! Just take my phone and hit random. No, just hit random. Okay, three... two...
    (The door bursts open as it says "Bitch". The camera shows different reactions, Maxwell is extremely offended, the bean counters are stunned, Integra is glaring at Alucard)
    Alucard: Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work.
    Integra: Following your example.
  • Big "NO!": Integra. After learning that Alucard has gone for a walk in Episode 3.
  • Big "WHY?!": Maxwell shouts one in Spanish when Anderson shatters the glass protecting him from Alucard's familiars.
    Maxwell: ANDERSON! ¡¿POR QUÉ?!
  • Black Comedy: Absolutely runs on this. Though given the source material, that's probably to be expected. Takahata said on the TFS panel that Alucard is written and played as essentially, "Archer with superpowers".
  • Black Comedy Rape:
    • Invoked to be deconstructed. Jan forces one of Integra's soldiers to read out an extremely abusive and crude letter detailing in depth how he will rape them all to death in the most violent way possible. The soldier is very clearly horrified and disturbed by it, and what's even worse is that he's just suffered through Jan shooting one of his testicles. Jan is the only one who is amused by all of this. Takahata would eventually go on to say that the joke is hard to listen for the simple fact that it goes on too long and too far.
      "Now pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO- (*shot*)"
    • And played straight in episode 6, with a heaping dose of Gallows Humor.
      Mercenary 1: Uh, so, sir? What's the over-under on us finishing this mission alive?
      Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.
      Mercenary 1: I dunno. Those vampires do look kinda rape-y.
      Mercenary 2: Holy shit, dude!
      Mercenary 1: Oh, who the fuck am I offending? The Nazis!?
    • Alucard is constantly on about the Catholic Church's record on child abuse.
      Alucard: Hey there Padre, how's Little Timmy? D'ya know what's great for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? HOLY WATER!
    • Anderson has a moment of this in the first episode! Takahata admitted much later on that it's the one joke he regrets above all others.
      Anderson: Well, ye know what time it is! *brandishes bayonets*
      Caption: RAPE
    • Seras' backstory features some very nasty stuff involving her mother and two gunmen who got things a bit out of sequence in their usual "Shoot the husband, rape the wife and then shoot the wife" process.
    • Deconstructed when Alucard is talking to God and attributes his anger at everything religious to the ten years of rape.
  • Blood Knight:
    • Alucard. Obviously.
    • Anderson is no slouch in this department either.
      Father O'Malley'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who is also Italian): Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do?
      Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!
      Father: And killing-a vampires?
      Anderson: (grins) Ah, just try to fuckin' stop me!
      Father: And what about... Protestants?
      Anderson: Second verse, same as the first! Now put me on a plane, so I can put 'em in a hearse!
    • Seras is less vocal about it, but it's there.
    • Pretty much every member of Millennium, as per the source material.
  • Book Ends: If one counts the montage of cut jokes during the final episode's credits, the series ends exactly as it began: with a reference to One Piece. Similarly, both the first and last episodes have Lanipator singing the ending credits song.
  • Bothering by the Book: When Integra orders Alucard to stay in the basement during her meeting with their financial backers. Then the Hellsing HQ gets attacked.
    Alucard: I'm gonna have to stop you riiiiiight there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss — who is a total bitch by the way (sniff) — that I'm not allowed to leave this room until such time as the Committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: The sidebar on Alucard's Twitter page links to the pages of Crispin Freeman, Patrick Seitz, and adultdvdempire.
  • Briar Patching: Walter and Integra get Alucard to go to Brazil by specifically telling him that he can go on vacation anywhere except Brazil, because Integra was "quite insistent" that Alucard stay away from Brazil. Sure enough, Alucard heads straight for Brazil once he's told that.
  • Brick Joke: It's easy to miss in a surprisingly serious and melancholy scene, but in episode 10 Integra does indeed record the Major's final moments for the Queen.
  • Butt-Monkey: Seras, at least when around Alucard (who always calls her "Police Girl", even though that's not her real name, which is what she told him in the first episode). She gets full respect about the time she smears Zorin's head along the wall.
  • Buxom Beauty Standard: The only reason why Alucard rescued Police Girl is because she has nice tits. Or so he says.
  • By "No", I Mean "Yes":
    • When a vampire priest feels mocked by Alucard, he demands to know if Alucard is doing so. Alucard insists he isn't, but can't keep a straight face.
      Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me!?
      Alucard: Oh, no! No, no, no... (stifling laughter) Yeah. (shoots him)
    • The Major, during his villainous monologue, tells his Nazi subordinates that he does not like war... he LOVES war!
  • Call-Back:
    • In Episode 2, when Alucard dislikes Integra's demands, he says "I don't have to take this, I'm going for a walk." Episode 1 shows us how those tend to turn out. And again in Episode 3 where Alucard goes on yet another walk. And then in Episode 8 Integra of all people gives Alucard the O.K. to go for a walk; cue mass slaughter of Nazis and Catholics.
    • Episode 3 also starts out with Integra talking to a group of mercenaries they had to hire to replace the guards lost in the Valentine brothers' attack in Episode 2.
    • In Episode 4, Rip Van Winkle remarks that she likes the ship she's on, as it's "full of blood und seamen", calling back to part of the message Jan made a Hellsing officer read to Integra in episode 2 ("...there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood and semen").
      • Also the return of "Bitches Love Cannons!"
    • The disclaimer for each episode from 2 onwards is done by whoever Alucard fought the previous episode (Anderson for ep. 2, Jan for ep. 3, the Dandy Man for ep. 4, and Rip Van Winkle for ep. 5).
    • At the very start of the series, Alucard calls himself "a real fucking vampire". In Episode 7, when Seras is teetering on the Despair Event Horizon, he tells her to get it together in a statement that uses those exact same words.
    • Seras' answer to Zorin on how she got her eyes back is the same as Alucard's answer to Anderson on how he got his body back:
      Episode One
      Anderson: How the blood-soaked, Protestant hell did you do that?
      Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.
      Episode Seven
      Zorin: That look... how?! I cut out your eyes! How can you look at me like that?
      Seras: Fuck you, that's how.
    • Episode 8 has Anderson react to The Reveal of Alucard being Dracula by saying "Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy vampire bastard!" just like in their first meeting.
    • Episode 8 also has Anderson quote The Boondock Saints again, just as he did in Episode 1, as he dies. Finally admitting it's his favorite movie. This is further referenced in Episode 10 by his protege, Heinkel, who quotes Kill Bill before killing Walter.
    • During Alucard's grand entrance in Episode 8, the music seamlessly switches from "Ready to Die" to "Party Party Party" (both by Andrew W.K.). The latter of the two was used in the title opening for Episodes 2 through 4.
    • Episode 9 Seras faces off against The Captain who turns out to be a Nazi Werewolf and comments to herself "This is so much worse." In Episode 6, Pip was complaining that saying "Nazi Vampires" repeatedly makes it sound stupid when Seras commented that they may find something else, like a Nazi Werewolf, which prompted Pip to say "That sounds so much worse".
    • Episode 10 delivers one that's about 8-9 years in the making. When Alucard reappears into physical existence, after playing psychologist to the 3,424,867 souls within him, Integra’s greets him with this:
      Integra: Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn'tExist.
    • Episode 10 has Integra turning off a tape recorder after the Major dies, fulfilling the request of the Queen in episode 4 to have them record his death for her so she "can fall asleep to it every night".
    • And finally, Episode 10 also had one last hurrah for "Bitches Love Cannons", as Seras rips out one of the Zeppelin's main guns to shoot the Major with:
      Major: Now that's what I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH! SHOW ME VHAT YOU LOOOOOVE!
  • Camp: The Major certainly gives off this vibe.
  • Captain Obvious: The Major. Note that he's saying this to his own men.
    Gentlemen, ve...are Nazis!
  • The Cameo: Taka went out got several YouTubers who were big fans of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged voice the various Nazi vampires and church soldiers, since there were just that many roles to fill. This includes Mother's Basement, Tom Fawkes, and many more.
  • Cassandra Truth: After killing a few Brazilian soldiers who burst into his room, Alucard gets a phone call from Integra. Alucard truthfully tells Integra that he was minding his own business when the soldiers burst in and started shooting him, but Integra doesn't believe him.
  • Cavalry Betrayal: Features in Episode 8.
    Maxwell: Send in the forces of the Temple of Beth Zion!
    Crusader: They fucked off before the battle even started!
    (cut to the forces of the Temple of Beth Zion flying away in several stolen helicopters)
    Bartiomiej Jeleniak: Seriously, I can't believe they thought we were going to help them.
    (the Zion soldiers laugh)
    Zion Soldier: (flipping off Maxwell) That's for the Rhineland Massacres, ya schmuck!
    Maxwell: JEWWWWWWS!
  • Character Exaggeration: Jan's homicidal and obscene tendencies are exaggerated. Don't ask us how.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Like you wouldn't believe it, Alucard's Twitter account.
    • In Episode 2, Seras was given an anti-tank rifle, or cannon, courtesy of Sir Integra. She claims that she already has a gun, but it becomes neccassary against an army of shielded mooks when they attacked the mansion.
    Alucard: Give that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons.
  • Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys:
    • Alucard remarks that they're "scraping the bottom of the barrel" when the Hellsing Organization is forced to contract French mercenaries to replace guards lost during the Valentine brothers' attack. However, Pip — the only one we've seen in action — subverts this trope. It's also worth noting that Integra specifically stated that they were forced to post mortality rates of her men on duty to those interested in working for her organization — and that said French mercenaries were the only ones who still applied regardless. Whether this is meant to show them as either exceptionally brave, exceptionally stupid, or exceptionally desperate for cash is up for debate. It should also be noted that Pip is the only member with a French accent, and that the other members have non-French names.
    • Fully averted in Episode 6 when Pip and his crew successfully defend the Hellsing headquarters from a Nazi attack, with some help from Seras. They manage to, in order: bring down the Nazi's zeppelin, kill over a dozen Nazis with landmines planted around the perimeter, and lay down a withering crossfire that keeps the rest of the Nazis back for some time. If Zorin hadn't used her illusion powers, it's likely they would have been able to hold the Nazis off near indefinitely.
  • Chivalrous Pervert: Although he's an exceptional Jerkass, Alucard kind of suits this. Despite being a massive pervert who is implied to use the Hellsing Organization's money for prostitutes and gives assistance to women based purely on the size of their breasts, he is apparently "holding out" for Integra...although her rage at everything he does probably hurts his chances (but her rage does give him a's super awkward, and, as hinted in Episode 2, he even gets a boner while scolded on the phone).
  • Christmas Episode: The series got one where Alucard murders Santa and takes his place to have a "Nightmare before Christmas" moment. (Which apparently ends when Alucard "got bored, and kinda wandered off.")
  • *Click* Hello: Jan Valentine finds himself the well-deserving victim of this in episode 2, leading to the Cluster F-Bomb below.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: The whole cast, but Jan Valentine deserves special mention.
    Jan: (while being shot) "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckmotherfuckin'fuckcuntwithafuckin'tittyfuckfuckFUCK!"
  • Coca-Pepsi, Inc.: The epilogue mentions Walt-Disney-Pepsi-Comcast has essentially become America's economy.
  • Cool Airship: Millenium has one advantage Hellsing sorely lack: zeppelins!
  • Creator's Culture Carryover:
    • Episode 2 mentions that Alucard crashed Integra's father's car into a Dairy Queen. They have no branches in England, where Hellsing's HQ is situated. Mind you, it would fit Alucard's character here to take said car all the way to the USA just to smash it into a Dairy Queen, as well as the possibility he crashed it during a mission there, which was confirmed during a panel at ConnectiCon in 2014. Justified in episode 7, however, when Alucard mentions having "crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen".
    • Several smaller other examples, such as Composition 4 explosive, or C4 being an American name, while the British military uses PE4, or Plastic Explosive 4, which is essentially the same but not quite. (Though the latter inconsistency is Rule of Funny for the "I see four" pun.)
  • Credits Gag:
    • The first episode had KaiserNeko playing all the Nazis chanting with the Major. The credit list them individually as "Nazi 1, Nazi 2, etc." all the way up to fifteen.
    • The transcript here also lists Batman playing as The Goddamn Batman.
  • Curse Cut Short:
    • Episode 4's I Do Not Own statement has Alahambra say this.
      Alahambra: It means go suck your mother's cu— (Cut to the show)
    • Inverted in Episode 5. After Sir Penwood's Heroic Sacrifice, Integra starts to eulogize about him, but...
      Integra: Walter...Sir Penwood was a—(the car hits a ghoul and nearly spins out of control)—SON OF A BITCH!
    • Another one at the very end of Episode 6.
      Maxwell: And after we are finished purging England of all its demons and heathens...WE...WILL—
      Judd: Round up all those dirty ni—
      Maxwell: (highly pissed off) OKAY, YOU NEED TO CHILL!
  • Darker and Edgier: More so than Dragon Ball Z Abridged, with more curse-words and obscenities than from a shipload of sailors, completely uncensored, rape jokes, and of course all the blood. Unsurprising, given the source material.
  • Deadpan Snarker:
    • Alucard and Police Girl, but mostly Alucard.
      Alucard: That was a 70-inch plasma screen TV... (deep, frustraded sigh) So... how can I help you?
      Luke: You must be the great Alucard.
      Alucard: 'Suuuuup.
      Luke: I've heard quite a lot about you.
      Alucard: Oh, really?
      Luke: The nightwalker, who glides through oceans of blood, beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow upon darkness itself!
      Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!
      Luke: ...Excuse you?
      Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
      Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
      Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego! Guess where I am!
      Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
      Alucard: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing... and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma-screen TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!
      (Luke and Alucard point their guns directly at each other's head at point blank range)
      Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
    • Jan also gets in a couple of good ones.
  • Deadly Euphemism: When Alucard "goes for a walk", it means "butcher people mercilessly." When Integra orders him to "go for a walk", she means "kill everybody now".
  • Defiant to the End: Jan goes out grinning and flipping Integra off.
    I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: the fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me... or the fact you think my boss would let me live if you did!
  • Depraved Bisexual:
    • The only person who can keep up with Alucard, whose sexual preference is by his own admission incomprehensible to anyone alive? The Queen of England, possibly the only person in the show that he genuinely respects.
    • Jan Valentine's plans were to skull-fuck Integra, then the old guys at the meeting... and then he proceeds to skull-fuck one of his own ghouls.
  • Digital Piracy Is Evil: Parodied in the I Do Not Own disclaimer of Episode 8:
    Anderson: Piracy's a sin, and ya know how I hate that!
  • Discredited Meme: In-universe, most of the internet memes Rip Van Winkle is constantly spewing are deliberately very dated just to highlight what an Attention Whore she is. The finale also takes a shot at the first episode jumping on the anti-Twilight bandwagon.
  • Dirty Old Woman: The Queen of England.
  • Did We Just Have Tea with Cthulhu?: Inverted. Pip apparently wants to go drinking with Alucard. Note that he is fully aware that he might end up being Alucard's drink.
  • Did You Actually Believe...?: The Temple of Beth-Zion soldiers show up to Maxwell's call... and then promptly abandon the Christian soldiers before the battle even begins, stealing some of his helicopters on the way out.
    Bartłomiej Jeleniak: Seriously, I can't believe they thought we were going to help them!
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: In Episode 8, Alucard talks to God, who is offering Alucard mercy and the chance to repent for his sins. Alucard not only rejects the offer, but calls God by name ("Yahweh") and says that Satan was there for him far more than God ever was. Before he leaves, Alucard tells God to go fuck Himself, refusing forgiveness, and refuses to return Satan his dogs.
  • Dies Differently in Adaptation:
    • It's hinted in one of the conversations between the Major and Herr Doktor that Adolf Hitler did not commit suicide, but was eaten by Millennium's zombies during Operation Kraut Control.
    • For two characters within the same scene: Walter and Herr Doktor. In the former's case, Walter is sniped by Heinkel willingly, instead of surviving the shot to go and kill Herr Doktor before burning to death in Millennium's zeppelin. Consequently, instead of Doktor getting buried under rubble after Walter confronts him in his lab, Doktor dies when Seras sends a cannon shell through most of the zeppelin in her attempt to kill the Major.
  • Dissimile: In the scene when Police Girl goes into a blood rage Alucard expresses his desire to fuck her had he not been holding out for Integra, and then she gets stabbed with dozens of bayonets:
    "Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: Any enemy vampire or demigod wannabe who tries to face Alucard is likely to suffer a very painful death, and/or maybe much worse.
  • Dub-Induced Plot Hole: In the original OVA, it's explained that vampires gain significantly more power from drinking blood that was offered to them as opposed to forcefully taking it. This is why Seras gets so much stronger after drinking Pip's blood. Here, Pip dies without offering his blood and the explanation is never given, thus causing Seras' powerup to make no sense.
    • Hand-waved in Episode 9, when Pip explains that she had his consent. Therefore, not only did she become more powerful, but also gained Pip as her first soul.
  • Easily Forgiven: An Invoked Trope:
    Alucard: Sorry about that whole shooting you thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree... you'll find a way to forgive me.
  • Enemy Mine: In Episode 8 Alucard releasing the restraint level zero forces EVERY army to turn against him.
  • Even Evil Has Standards:
    • Maxwell is none too happy hearing about that the priest spying on the Vatican for Millennium is also a pedophile.
      Priest: I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
      Enrico: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
      Priest: ...Amongst other things.
      Enrico: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house? (Beat) Wow.
    • The Major tells his men to burn down everything of importance in London. Not the Holocaust Museum, though; no one will deny what they did. Though it's unclear if he's doing it out of respect or because he's proud of what happened and sees it as a monument to their accomplishments. Remember that he's an unapologetic Nazi.
      • By Episode 8, it may have been just an act.
        The Doctor: Our forces are being, quite literally, slaughtered.
        The Major: Hah! Who gives a shit? Zey're Nazis!
    • Maxwell, on Episode 6, is against homosexuality in the Church, but draws a line on racism, as he was disturbed by the Protestant Ku Klux Klan joining his Ninth Crusade.
    • One of the burglars in Episode 7 has no problem killing a family or raping the wife. Doing the former to the wife before the latter, however, is a step too far.
    • Anderson wastes Maxwell in Episode 8 (breaking the glass keeping him safe from Alucard's demonic zombie army) because he dared to proclaim himself as a God. And also because he's a daft cunt.
    • Satan says that the death of Jesus Christ was 'just terrible'.
    • Alucard really isn't pleased when Walter interrupts Anderson's final words, just as the two finally made peace with each other, by killing him in cold blood.
    • The Major is offended by Seras' insinuation that he's an anti-semite. He explains that Hitler's obsession with killing Jews wasn't something he shared.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep":
    • In this series, Seras is always called Police Girl (which she has pointed out). Her name's even listed as such in the credits. When Alucard meets her again after being stranded, he finally acknowledges her name.
      • In episode seven, she is listed as Police Girl/Ma Cher.
    • The bellhop in Episode 3 is referred to in the credits as "Bishounen O'Brian."
  • Everything Is Big in Texas: When the Valentine brothers show up at the Hellsing Headquarters:
    Guard: Oi! You two, the grounds are currently closed!
    Jan: Aww, man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
    Guard: Where from?
    Jan: (snaps fingers) Texas.
    (Bus opens fire.)
  • Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: Alucard and Jan. Oh, Jan.
  • Evil Is Petty:
    • In Episode 2, the main reason Alucard kills Luke Valentine is because his TV was destroyed while in the middle of watching Adventure Time.
    • Earlier in the episode, Integra calls him over intercom to tell him to get back upstairs - he says he can't because "You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building."
      Integra: And Alucard is being...
      Walter: Alucard?
      Integra: A total ass, yes.
    • In Episode 3, Alucard tilts every painting that he comes across while on his way to the mercenaries' orientation just to give Integra a headache. He then proceeds to laugh maniacally when Walter informs Integra of this.
    • He also sends death threats to the Pope. Why? Because he can.
      Maxwell: ...By carrier pigeon, no less! They just fly right into the Vatican!
    • Alucard enjoyed forcing Integra to admit that he was right about the Nazis way too much. He got off on it, in fact.
  • Extreme Omnisexual: Jan Valentine. Ironically ends up not that far from his canon counterpart.
    Jan: Ah, fuck it. Skull fucking for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!
    • Alucard may also qualify. Schrodinger gives him a "why-boner", states he'd still screw the aged queen of England, and he claims that nobody alive could comprehend his sexual preference. All in the same episode.
  • "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner:
    • The flashback at Episode 3's beginning.
      Hellsing: Vampire King. You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty-thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb? WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!
      Alucard: ...The Aristocrats...
    • Jan gets two in Episode 2:
      (when Walter tries interrogating him): Alright, alright! What you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help you go fuck yourself!
      (when Integra tries interrogating him): I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: the fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or the fact that you think my boss would let me live if you did! (combusts) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE!
    • Penwood gets a blinder with his Taking You with Me last words
      Sir Penwood: When you get to Hell, tell them Penwood sent you... and then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience.
  • Foreshadowing:
    • Alucard ends the first three episodes insisting that the Nazis are behind everything. Integra dismisses this as an idiotic idea, but anyone who knows the show will know how Wrong Genre Savvy this is.
    • At one point, Alucard offhandedly asks Walter if he can guess Alucard's top three favorite things to kill. Third is Turks. Second is Nazis. Alucard then asks Walter to guess the first.
      Walter: Your father?
      Alucard: Nailed it!
    • Alucard's conversation with Pip in episode three. "You're not my friend, you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks and I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood." Pip dies in episode seven and lets Seras drink his blood.
    • The Major's little speech to Walter in Episode 5 may count. Specifically, his emphasis on how Walter has grown old. Walter referring to him as "an old friend" may be foreshadowing as well.
    • When Pip asks Seras in Episode 6 about her past, we get some flashback images before she tells him nothing significant happened. Guess who's about to take a trip down memory lane.
    • Integra says that if her subordinate was ever in a position to rescue Maxwell the way Anderson just rescued her, Alucard would put a bullet in Maxwell's leg and leave him to die. Maxwell is indeed left to die in Episode 8 — by Anderson, who shatters his "Popebox" with a bayonet and exposes him to Dracula's undead army.
    • When declaring her intent to disobey the Major's orders and attack Hellsing HQ, Zorin says she and her men "will get what we have coming to us". They do. Especially Zorin.
    • In Episode 6, Pip complains that fighting Nazi vampires has lost its charm, and Seras points out that maybe they'll fight a Nazi werewolf, to Pip replies is much worse. In Episode 9, she fights the Captain of Millenium, who just happens to be a Nazi fucking werewolf.
      "Pip was right... this... this is so much worse..."
    • In Episode 4, Walter chuckles after Integra browbeats Sir Penwood into asking Hellsing to investigate the carrier, seemingly at Penwood's expense. It's later revealed that Walter is The Mole and he's chuckling because Integra just took the Schmuck Bait.
    • In Episode 8, Alucard meets The captain, and assumes his name is Logan, Forshadowing his Werewolf identity.
  • Freeze-Frame Bonus: When Enrico puts the book on the table in episode 3, it reads "ALUCARD (AKA TheCrimsonFucker) Death Threats Log. (KEEP AWAY FROM THE POPE)"
  • Friendly Enemy: Alucard and Anderson...after a fashion. They share a lot of similarities and are perfectly willing to put off trying to kill each other if something kills the mood. By the time of their final showdown in episode eight, it is made clear that they've grown to see each other as a Worthy Opponent and Alucard seems genuinely saddened, after he is forced to put Aderson down and even listens to Anderson's final words... until Walter finishes off Anderson, before Alucard could hear the end of his speech.
  • Gender Bender: Alucard recalls that he was a girl during World War II and possibly doing the Queen of England in that form.
  • Genki Girl: Miss Rip Van Winkle, but invoked in her case - one of her very first lines was "LOL I'm so random!"
  • Gilligan Cut:
    • Almost immediately after Alucard arrives at his suite to relax, we cut to a news report about an attack at the hotel caused by "a young British woman" (Seras) and "some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker" (Alucard) with Pip spitting out his beer, Father Anderson cackling evilly, and a seething mad Sir Integra demanding the phone so she can call Alucard.
      Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeel-
      Newscaster: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor.
    • When Alucard suggests Nazis are behind the vampire attacks, Integra calls it retarded. The scene then introduces the Nazis. Two episodes later, Integra checks Alucard's Twitter and...
      Integra: It's the fucking-
      Major: NA~ZIS!!
  • A God Am I: Luke Valentine refers to himself as a demigod when confronting Alucard. The latter proceeds to show him just how wrong he is.
    • Maxwell descends into this as his crusade progresses, at which point Alexander says they need to have a chat.
  • Godzilla Threshold: From two sides in episode 8
    Integra: Fuck it, dropping the formalities! Alucard: Go for a walk.
    • And a little later (Hai means "Yes")
      Heinkel: Isn't that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body? (HAI) From the "Don't fuck with this" armory? (HAIII) Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea scrolls and the actual body of Christ? (HAIII!)
  • Gory Discretion Shot: Alucard eating Luke Valentine for destroying his TV.
    • Also the scene where Alucard kills Rip van Winkle - we get a Smash to Black right as he impales her on her own rifle.
  • Gratuitous Foreign Language: A couple of them.
    • Alhambra (Mr. Dandy Man) drops a bunch of random Portuguese words in his speech, like "policia","peixe","vampiro","vagabundo", and in a blink-it-and-you'll-miss-it moment quips "Que merda!" ("Oh shit!").
      • What makes it more noticeable is that while Portuguese is the language of Brazil, none of the other Brazilians speak it in the show.
    • When Pip strolls into the tent to kill the corrupt politicians, he counts his kills in French ("Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept...").note 
    • The Nazis tend to pepper their speech with short phrases in German, too.
  • Gratuitous Japanese:
    • In episode 9: (Yumi only speaks Japanese)
    Walter: "You seem to forget that I am a butler second, and a vampire hunter first."
    Yumi: "Omae wa dochira mou inai!" Translation 
    Yumi: "Omae wa.. Omae wa mou shindeiru." again 
    Walter: "Hai, omae da. Demo, watashi wa? note 
  • Groin Attack:
    • "Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!"
    • "You're going to tell me everything I want to know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!"
  • Guile Hero: Integra solves her financial difficulties by letting her backers listen to Alucard's brutal dismemberment of Luke Valentine. They're so terrified that they give her the support she needs without any further hassle.
    Integra: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?
    Sir Shelby Penwood: Issue?
    Sir Hugh Irons: What issue?
    Sir Shelby Penwood: I don't see an issue!
    Unknown: Shut up and take our money!
  • Hates Everyone Equally: As Alucard retorts (and picks apart the rest of her declaration in different ways) when Rip van Winkle calls him a "racist, cis-gendered, patriarchy-propagating, misogynistic pig".
  • Heel Realization: Played for Laughs when Rip van Winkle asks a British naval officer how it felt to "betray his family, friends, and country all for the selfish desire of immortality." He responds that when she puts it that way he feels like kind of a cunt.
    • And again when a pair of Millennium vampires ask if they're bad people while eating the Wild Geese. They decide that ship sailed when they became Nazis.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Alucard goes above and beyond the call, to the point where it seems that the only reason he's at all better than his enemies is that he can be bribed into not murdering everything he sees.
  • Hero Insurance: A Running Gag in the first few episodes is that the Hellsing Organization doesn't have it, so paying for Alucards' rampages and general shenanigans is a massive expense. Episode 2 has the organization risk losing funding, while Episode 3 has Integra and Walter discuss "Alucard amounts" of collateral damage from the vampire's "walk" in a Brazillian hotel.
  • He's Back!: In Episode 8, right after Anderson says Seras' 'bloodsugar-daddy' won't be around to see her die. Guess who comes sailing up through the Thames.
  • Hiroshima as a Unit of Measure: Played with when Alucard is going on one of his little "walks" while surrounded by a SWAT team.
    Integra: Walter, be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
    Walter: Well... (cut to Alucard exiting an elevator full of dead policemen) ...the Alucard amount.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Zorin's almost-last words are a reflection that Zorin's (disobeyed) orders were to perform reconnaissance.
    Zorin: Why didn't we know about this? Why didn't anyone do proper reconnaissance?! Oh, fick mich...
  • Hollywood Silencer: Notably averted in Episode 3. The report of Pip's gun as he fires it is recognizable as a gunshot, just somewhat quieter and layered over with the classic "fwip" sound effect.
  • Hollywood Tactics: Pip expresses disappointment that Zorin's forces use this. They'd prepared for a real assault, but the enemy were charging blindly into their guns. Zorin's illusions are the only reason her men even get close enough to shoot back.
  • Hope Spot: For the Pedophile Priest, so that's okay.
    Enrico: Oh, do not worry, father, I assure you: God is forgiving.
    Priest: Really? Oh, praise be to - (Dramatic Gun Cock behind him)
    Enrico: Just make sure to ask him when you get there.
  • Hypocritical Humor: Alucard, possibly the most overpowered character in the series, complaining about Walter's garrote wire tricks in Episode 9.
    Alucard: Okay, I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but YOUR POWERS ARE BULLSHIT!
  • Idiot Hero: Alucard, even though he's clearly not one, will occasionally invoke a more immature attitude if it helps him to better screw with his opponents' heads. Although you can't help but wonder if that attitude is always invoked when you remember that the whole reason he dismembered Luke Valentine was because he was rudely interrupted while in the middle of watching Adventure Time...
  • I Do Not Own: Like the other Abriged series, a character in the show will read out the disclaimer before the Episode starts. There are some unique cases of this intro going slightly askew.
    • Parodied in episode 3:
      Jan Valentine: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse — the fuck is this?! You assholes brought me Back from the Dead to read this legal bullshit?! No no no no no! Fuck that! If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kinda fuckin' line. (clears throat) My THROBBING VAMPIRE DICK is a fan-based parody. Its SHAFT, BALLS, and SCROTUM, are property of me, JAN VALENTINE, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support MY DICK by helping with its official release. You know you want to.
    • Episode 2 has Anderson addressing the audience as Protestant Fuckbuckets, along with Episode 8 stating how piracy is a sin, along with reminding the viewer how much he hates sinners.
    • Episode 4 has the Dandy Man saying something even more obscene.
  • I Have Many Names: When the Nazis encounter Alexander Anderson, they call him a variety of awesome-sounding nicknames: God's Assassin, Saint Guillotine, The Angel's Dust, and Judas Priest ("Wait, like ze band?" "THEY WERE NAMED AFTER HIM!").
  • I Know You Know I Know: The Major's true intentions were willingly letting Integra know about Millennium's plan so she can plan around their plan. Now they, in turn, will plan around the plan that she is planning about their plan. The Doktor, naturally, thinks it's absolutely brilliant. It actually makes complete sense once you know that Walter is passing on all of Integra's plans and the attack is meant to be ultimately defeated.
  • "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight: In Episode 8, Anderson finally faces Alucard, as Dracula, in a rematch. While he knows they are the same person, he demands that the sharp tongued version come out as that is the man he wants to kill.
  • I Need a Freaking Drink:
    • A non-alcoholic example; when the fight between Alucard and Anderson in the art gallery has narrowly been averted by Seras and some pensioners, Maxwell — temporarily united with Integra in a 'What the hell just happened?' moment — asks if she wants to go get some coffee. To which she responds "I'd love some."
    • Pseudo example occurs in a lull during Alucard's fight with Alhambra (whose enchanted cards make it difficult for Alucard to regenerate from attacks):
      Alucard: (in a pool of his own blood) Eugh...I could really use a drink...I'm not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore...that guy's got magic cards...and magic hands...
  • I'm a Humanitarian:
    • Well, it's Alucard. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!"
    • After explaining why his hotel room is full of dead bodies:
      "Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!"
    • In the next scene, he's talking with his mouth full over really audible squelching noises.
  • In Love with Your Carnage:
    • Alucard towards Police Girl... and the Queen towards Alucard, to the point where she asks Alucard to record the dying screams of the Major when they kill him just so she can go to sleep listening to it.
    • Anderson, after seeing Integra step out of her car, decapitate a Nazi vampire, and issue a challenge to fifty more, gains very sudden insight as to why Alucard lusts after her.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: After being so aggressive that Alucard is legitimately caught by surprise and sparing enough breath to "anti" the setup for one of his jokes, Walter, razor-wires in full force, sees fit to ask Alucard, "Wire you getting upset?"
  • Innocent Innuendo: For a given value of innocent.
    Anderson: Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick. Back for more of what I gave ya last time?
    Seras: Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time.
    Heinkel: Father Anderson!
    Anderson: Context, Heinkel!
  • Insane Troll Logic: By Alucard's reasoning, the attacks are clearly by some large organized group, the Nazis were a large organized group, so it must be Nazis. To his delight and Integra's intense fury, he's absolutely right.
  • Interplay of Sex and Violence: Pretty much every character (specifically Seras, Alucard, Jan Valentine, Father Anderson, and the Major) is sexually aroused by war and violence. It's similar to how Dr. Strangelove handled it, only bloodier.
  • Ironic Echo:
    • During Alucard's fight with Alhambra.
      Alhambra: You activated my trap card.
      Alucard: Shame on you. You activated my Alu-card.
    • And again, for Rip Van Winkle.
      RVW: Check your privilege!
      Alucard: Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
    • Delivered by Integra as far back as Episode 2—
      Jan: (singing) "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck, now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a...
      Integra: Oh, I'm sorry, we don't give a fuck.
    • Maxwell claims that "Sinners will be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out." Anderson turns it back on him when he is left at the mercy of an army of ghouls.
  • I Told You So: By the end of Episode 1, Alucard suspected that Nazis were the reason behind the vampire attacks, though Integra thought it was ridiculous. By the end of Episode 3, Alucard reads Dandy Man's mind as he devours him and sees a vision of The Major and brags to Integra on Twitter that he was indeed right about the Nazis' involvement. At the start of the very next episode, he got her to finally admit he was right, much to his sheer "enjoyment".
  • Jerkass Stu: Despite the comedic tone of the series, it has a surprisingly good deconstruction of this trope. This version of Alucard lacks any sense of true loyalty to Integra and, as a result, can quite literally get away with anything he wants in-universe. While people will complain, they won't actually do anything to stop him because nobody can. Integra shows just how infuriating and hate-inspiring such a character would be on several occasions. On the plus side, she does find ways to use his power/capriciousness to her advantage (see Guile Heroine).
    Alucard: Oh, what are you gonna do, grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Jerk with a Heart of Jerk/Troll: How Alucard's characterization can basically be summed up, but especially towards Integra. There is no indication that he follows her orders out of any sense of loyalty. Rather, it seems like she's just bribing him not to destroy everything, and he obeys sometimes because it amuses him.
    • This becomes increasingly subverted in the later parts, just like how canon Alucard's redeeming qualities become prominent in canon. It is ultimately shown that, yes, he does care about Integra and Seras, shares a heartwarming moment with Anderson in the final moments of his death that are just as poignant as the original, and is even given some redeeming qualities and motivations that the original DIDN'T have. The only people he really acts as an unrepentant Jerkass to in the later chapters of the manga are the invaders of Britain and Walter, who most certainly deserved it.
  • Jive Turkey: Alucard telling his story in Brazil starts with, "I was chillaxin' in mah room like a baller..."
  • Jump Scare: Episode 3 has Alucard do this with the Wild Geese.
  • Land Mine Goes "Click!": Coupled with a Delayed Reaction for the first Nazi to hit one while trying to storm the Hellsing compound in episode 6.
    Seras: Oh, my God, they planted landmines!? We walk our dogs out there...
  • Large Ham: Alucard doesn't so much chew the scenery as he does masticate entire sets. Jan is also very fond of getting his ham on, for reasons obvious to anyone who's seen the show. And Father Anderson.
    • After becoming a true Vampire, Seras begins acting quite a bit like Alucard.
  • Last-Name Basis: Enrico Maxwell. After his death, Anderson, who is shown to have raised him from childhood, calls him Maxwell instead of Enrico.
  • Leaning on the Fourth Wall:
    • The Wild Geese complaining about Alucard not being around is just as applicable to the story as it is to their in-universe situation.
    • Alucard notes that it's only been two days since they last met, but it feels like it's been years, nodding to the four-year gap between Episode 4 and Episode 8.
  • Leave Behind a Pistol: Played straight where canon defied it. When leaving behind a gun with twelve holy bullets, Integra advises Sir Penwood to save one for himself. He doesn't, instead choosing to blow the whole place up and take with him what survivors remain of the enemy forces.
  • Leave No Survivors: Maxwell goes drunk with power, before deciding a total cleansing of the city is in order.
    Maxwell: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all. Let God sort them out!
  • Let Me Get This Straight...: Alucard lampshades it in his first field report. "It's like I didn't just get through explaining this!"
  • Literal Genie: Integra's bribe comes back to bite her when Alucard refuses to leave the basement when the Valentine brothers attack.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: One of the mercenaries calmly comments that high-fives are going to suck after thinking that he's lost his arm.
    • Even better is his followup reaction when the illusion is dispelled.
  • Mass "Oh, Crap!": As Alucard announces his arrival by way of carrier-up-the-Thames while playing 'Ready to Die' just about the only one who seems at ease with his introduction is Integra.
  • Mauve Shirt: Willingham, one of the Wild Geese, who seems to be Pip's second in command.
  • Metaphorgotten: In the latest of his hundreds of death threats to the Pope, Alucard says that he sends so many because he wants to instill as much fear as he can... like basting a turkey. Which he will then proceed to have sex with. This ends with him saying that he's going to "fuck the fear turkey".
  • Mind Rape: Zorin does this to Seras in Episode 7.
  • Mirror Character: Even more than in the original, Alucard and Anderson. They come up with the same jokes unintentionally, both love fighting and killing, and both disobey their commanding officer's orders at a whim. It's likely that Alucard prior to losing his faith was indistinguishable from Anderson currently.
  • Moment Killer: An odd example. Police Girl stops Alucard and Anderson from getting into a fight by leading a large group of old people between them. They both comment on this.
  • Mood Dissonance: So what theme did they go with for abridging a series so violent and bloody? "Party Party Party" by Andrew W.K.. However, as of Episode 5, they seem to have done away with theme music to suit the more dramatic back half. And then it came back in Episode 8 to tremendous effect.
  • Mood Whiplash:
    • A scene usually described as terrifying is, in contrast to the rest of the episode, absolutely not played for laughs.
    • Surprisingly though, the mood whiplashes are actually less severe and less frequent than those in the source material: the original went from slapstick, to Rape as Drama, to Rape as Comedy, to Gorn, to a seriously played character drama. The abridged series is 99% comedy dipped in various shades of blackness.
    • And then Team Four Star did it again in Episode 8.
      Bishop Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians - we have come to save you...
      London Survivor: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
      Bishop Maxwell: ...FROM YOURSELVES!
      London Survivor: Oh,'s the Catholic Church.
  • Mugging the Monster: The vampire priest from the first episode, who decided to try and kill Alucard because he assumed Alucard had come to stop him. In fact, Alucard was just having one of his 'enthusiastic walks'. Admittedly, the end result of one of said walks would have been the same either way, but still.
  • Multinational Team: Maxwell ends up allying with Italian Catholics, Mexican Inquisition, Polish Jews, Canadians from the Salvation Army, and The Klan (the last of those more reluctantly than the others).
    • Anderson decides to get himself some 'learned youngsters' of his own later in the series.
      Anderson: And here's the kicker, one's Japanese, and the other's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical? I just need an Italian one and I've got myself an axis of righteousness!
  • Music to Invade Poland to: Would you believe this is invoked? The Millennium Organization selected via survey to invade England to the song "War" by Edwin Starr.
  • Never Mess with Granny: Queen Elizabeth II is the only person Alucard respects on a personal level, and is very near his level of psychopathy. Their flirting causes one man to swear off sex forever due to their raunchiness. If that isn't enough, they even did it during the blitz (when Alucard was a girl).
  • "No. Just… No" Reaction: While visiting Brazil in Episode 3, Alucard hypnotizes the hotel bellhop into giving him the penthouse suite. He also makes the poor bellhop believe that "White Chicks was amazing".
    Pip Bernadotte: (with the word "NO" repeated in the background) Ergh.
  • No Man of Woman Born: Rip Van Winkle tries to invoke this when Alucard goes and attacks the carrier she overran. She's unsuccessful.
  • No Place for a Warrior: This is revealed to be the primary reason why Millennium decided to come out of hiding and pick a fight with London: they had grown sick and tired of this more peaceful world that came about after World War II, because it denied them all the chance to actually die with glory; and saw that the only ones who could actually give them their proper challenge was the Hellsing Organization.
  • No-Sell: Alucard, thanks to his #Lifehack, can functionally No-Sell any attack laid on him throughout the entire series, and even moreso than in the original dub loves to rub his enemies faces in it.
    Alucard (Anime-esque female voice): Ah, yamero Walter, you're splitting me in two!
    Alucard (female voice overlayed with regular voice): Now do it another three million times, why don't ya.
  • Noodle Incident:
    • While going over one of the problems Alucard caused:
    Sir Islands: ...and while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
  • Not Hyperbole:
    • In episode 8, Alucard brushes off Anderson's attempt at forgiving him for his sins, saying that only God can do that. Anderson admits that he's right, then breaks out the Nail of Helena and asks Alucard if he'd "like to speak to Him", which is treated like another Pre-Asskicking One-Liner. Except Anderson using the Nail on himself actually does bring God down to speak with Alucard... and personally annihilate his entire Restraint Level 0 army.
      Alucard: Oh, fuck me, he wasn't kidding!
    • In episode 9, Integra tells Walter that if he's betrayed them, she will personally mount his head over a urinal.
      Seras: That explains the third floor restrooms! Which are now... currently in the first floor restrooms.
  • Not Me This Time: Alucard really didn't do anything to cause the police to raid his hotel room, that time.
    Integra: What. Did you do?
    Alucard: Oh, alright. But you can't be mad at me.
    Integra: What. Did you do?
    Alucard: Okay, first... I was just minding my own business—
    Integra: (desk slam) BULLSHIT!
    Alucard: (whining) I waaaas!
  • Ode to Apathy: Jan Valentine combines this with Cluster F-Bomb in a rap song he sings while stalking the hallways of the Hellsing Organization headquarters.
    "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a—(hears something) fuck was that?"
  • Offscreen Momentof Awesome: In the span of a few hours, Alucard manages to:
    • Get a damaged aircraft carrier up and running by himself.
    • Somehow vastly increase the top speed of said aircraft carrier to not only cross a few hundred miles of open ocean, but also go AROUND the south of England.
    • Then pilot the aircraft carrier up the Thames, not only going through the treacherous Thames Estuary, but also the Thames Barrier and any other bridges in the way.
  • Oh, Crap!: Several:
    • When Integra realizes that Anderson was in Ireland on the same mission as Alucard.
      Integra: Oh, fuck all kinds of duck.
    • When Alexander Anderson think's he's killed Alucard:
      Integra: Where the hell is Alucard?
      Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
      Integra: Killed him?
      Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
      Integra: Oh. Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?
      Anderson: Ah, Christ!
    • Jan, upon seeing Police Girl has an anti-tank rifle.
      • And when he charges into the boardroom to find Integra and everyone else aiming a gun in his direction. "Well, that's not fair at all..."
    • Luke, upon seeing how huge the stairs leading to the manor from Alucard's room are.note 
    • Rip Van Winkle when she first feels Alucard coming. And again when he catches her bullet in his teeth and counters her rant about how he's a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig" with his "Reason You Suck" Speech about how an insult like that doesn't apply to him because his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the 1940s, he hates everyone equally, and there's no one alive that can comprehend his sexual preference.
    • Millennium meets landmines.
    • All over the place in Episode 8:
      • The people of London think Maxwell and his forces are here to save them. They're not.
      • The Crusaders and most of Millennium get a huge one when Alucard goes Level Zero and unleashes his entire army of familiars.
      • Maxwell especially gets hit with this when Alucard unleashes, but his biggest one comes when Anderson shatters his glass pope-box and leaves him to get ripped apart by Alucard's familiars.
      • Alucard has an irritated version of this when God releases the souls Alucard has imprisoned.
        Alucard: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!!
    • And in the last episode, when Alucard realizes that the last soul he needs to help move on to come back to life... is his own. Complete with Wide Eyes and Shrunken Irises.
  • One Nation Under Copyright: Apparently, the Walt Disney Pepsi Comcast Corporation became President of the United States in the epilogue.
  • Out of Character Is Serious Business: Several examples in the later episodes.
    • Alucard is openly supportive of Seras for once and gives her actual encouragement when she has been blinded and maimed by Zorin Blitz and is on the brink of defeat. Taking his words to heart is what allows her to wipe the floor with Zorin after.
    • Anderson spends the entire series believing Alucard to be an absolute monster and wanting to kill him for his crimes. But in Episode 8, Anderson tells Alucard that he forgives him for everything he's done, and everything he's said... right before Anderson takes out Helena's Nail and turns himself into a monster with it.
    • Alucard again - he openly enjoys the concept of fighting Anderson to the death, but just like in the original series, Alucard did not approve of Anderson turning himself into a monster during their final battle. And he is openly sad that he has to put Anderson down — and outright enraged when Walter finishes Anderson off in the middle of his final speech.
  • Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping:
    • Rarely, but it happens. On the whole it's a lot better about averting it than most.
    • Noticeable from Seras near the end of Episode 2.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Discussed in episode 5:
    Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
    Integra: What? N-no he can't fly with his vampire powers!
  • Out of Focus: As in the source material, Alucard is almost completely absent throughout Episode five, six, and seven, only showing up (still on the ship where he fought Rip Van Winkle), to comment on The Major's attack and give Seras pep talks.
  • Overt Operative: Scarlet Tampon is an unintentional one:
    Alucard: Oh, and tell that guy to stop spying on me, it's creepy!
    Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit!
  • Pedophile Priest: The series goes to great lengths to paint Catholics in general as this.
    • This is the most common insult Alucard levels against Catholic characters, especially Father Anderson.
    • In Episode 1, Seras briefly gets in on the act by deducing that the reason she can't seduce Anderson is because she's not an 8-year-old boy.
    • In the promo for Episode 4, Maxwell interrogates a priest who has been spying on Iscariot for Millennium. Maxwell assumed it was the offer of immortality, but the priest simply says it was one "amongst other things". Maxwell is positively disgusted. He then has Heinkel shoot the priest through the head.
    • Given a Cerebus Retcon in Episode 8 where after a few more of these jokes, it's revealed that Alucard's Rape as Backstory is still present so he has a pretty damn good reason for detesting Catholic priests for this.
  • Pet the Dog:
    • Alucard is a very unusual example towards Seras. After saving her just because she "has nice tits", he seems to develop some relationship with her, such as encouraging her to kill zombies with him for fun (which actually impresses him when she does so), requesting a new gun for her (which is later changed to a cannon, because bitches love cannons, which happens to be a BFG), and apparently shares his room with her while taking her and Pip with him on his vacation to Brazil. Also, he's quick to shoot Schrödinger's head off when he thinks the kid is bothering her.
    • The Major manages to combine this with Card-Carrying Villain.
      The Major: Buckingham palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze ground.
      Soldier: The House of Parliment?
      The Major: Eradicated.
      Officer: The Tower of London?
      The Major: Obliterated!
      The Doktor: The Holocaust Museum?
      The Major: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.
  • Playing with Puppets: "White Chicks was amazing..."
  • Polite Villains, Rude Heroes: Luke and Alucard (for a loose definition of hero).
  • Power is Sexy:
    • Seras seems to get rather into her blood rages...
    • Getting berated by Integra is a turn-on for Alucard, much to his displeasure.
    • Ditto his reaction to The Queen of England.
  • Pre-Asskicking One-Liner:
    • Alucard's fight with Luke:
      Alucard: Release restraint level one.
      Luke: Level what? ((gets leg blown off)
    • When he greets the second squad of SWAT that was sent to kill him:
    Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team opens fire) Apparently, it's great! (starts firing on them)
    • And his fight with Alhambra, doubling as a pun.
      Alucard: Oh, shame for you. You've activated my Alu-Card.
    • Coupled with Ironic Echo, Alucard to Rip Van Winkle, after she called him a racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, homophobic, misogynistic pig:
      Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's NO ONE ALIVE who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
    • Seras' "fight" with Zorin after she drink's Pip's blood:
      Seras: Zorin, was it? Listen, Zorin, this whole fucking place is my house. You ain't the queen vampire bitch here; I am. And you know what we Brits always say: God save the Queen.
    • Anderson gets multiple of these throughout the series, culminating with this one when he confronts Alucard in Episode 8 after using Helena's Nail on himself:
      Anderson: Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace—
      Anderson/God: —And I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
      God: Amen.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Alucard was watching cartoons in his room before Luke busted in, then proceeded to eat Luke for destroying his TV. Considering who voices him, it's expected.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!:
    The Major: I! Vant! VORLD! VAR! THREE!
  • Puppy-Dog Eyes: When the Police Girl is dying and stares at him, Alucard complains the Police Girl is guilting him by looking like a "blonde, eviscerated puppy".
  • Rage Against the Author: Jan Valentine goes completely off the rails when reading the disclaimer in Episode 3.
  • Raging Stiffie: Why Alucard prefers to be on the phone with Integra when she chews him out.
    • Jan's line, "Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner."
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: In the original series, the Pope promoted Maxwell to Archbishop and gave him 3000 Catholic Knights to purge the world of Millennium, only for him to try to conquer London instead. In this series, Maxwell instead assembles the army to take London, and then to take out Pope Francis, due to his humbling of himself and the Catholic Church and his dedication to the poor and marginalized.
  • Red Eyes, Take Warning:
    • Guess what color Police Girl's irises turn when she has one of her little moments.
      "What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"
    • Every vampire's eyes turn red in shadow.
    • In episode 4, when Anderson comes to remove Alucard from Brazil, his eyes glow red instead of the usual white Scary Shiny Glasses. This is also the first time he's genuinely unhappy with Alucard.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Alucard and Walter (their outfits are even colored appropriately), as well as Jan and Luke Valentine. As it happens, the red oni of both teams end up fighting the blue oni of the other, much to the latter's annoyance.
    • Seras is red to Pip's blue as well. When Alucard gets into a fight with the Dandyman, Pip calmly disguises himself as a cop and kills off their leaders (who are sacrificing them for immortality), while Seras gets into the main fight.
      Seras: (firing her automatic rifle at Alhambra) GET SOOOOME!
  • Redemption Rejection: Alucard basically tells God to fuck off when He offers to redeem him of his sins. Though it might be subverted in that, according to Anderson, Alucard doesn't necessarily refuse redemption entirely, but rather wants to find it specifically through death at the hands of a regular mortal to atone for the crimes he has committed. Tellingly, Alucard doesn't deny this.
  • Reverse Psychology: Used by Walter on Alucard to trick him into going on a mission to Brazil, intentionally using this so that Alucard goes because Walter and Integra know that Alucard can't resist the opportunity to troll Integra.
  • Robotic Reveal: In the final episode, Integra finds the fact the Major is a cyborg so profoundly stupid that she spends the following thirty years having research carried by the Catholic Church and studying cybernetics just to understand HOW and WHY exactly he was a cyborg. Even Alucard himself seems to agree with her on the sheer absurdity of it.
  • Rule of Funny: The basis of the show, and consequently almost anything Alucard says/does.
  • Running Gag:
    • Alucard's "walks" — which is how he describes he's going on a bloody, murderous rampage. The most brutal of these are very "enthusiastic" walks.
    • Anderson being unable to accurately determine the gender of long haired people. (He thinks Integra is a man and Pip is a woman.) People being surprised that Integra is a woman in general.
    • "Bitches love cannons." — One that starts from Episode 2 and continues to be used throughout the series whenever Sera Victoria uses a big gun.
    • "It's a matter of perspective, really." throughout Episode 7.
  • Satan Is Good: In Episode 8, Satan is revealed to be an incredibly friendly individual who genuinely offers to lend an ear to God if He wants to talk about the crucifixion of Jesus and even asks Him to ease up the requirements for getting into Heaven since Hell is so crowded. Well, assuming he was being genuine.
  • Saving Christmas: Invoked by Alucard in The Christmas special, as he "accidentally" kills Santa, and proceeds to take over Santa's job of delivering of presents, though he, as usual, eventually gets bored and wanders off.
  • Say My Name: In Episode 7, after fully embracing her vampirism, Seras makes Zorin do this as she annihilates her. Note that throughout the series, everyone simply called her "Police Girl", whether or not they actually knew her name.
  • Self-Made Orphan: At least Self-Made Half-Orphan. According to Alucard, his father was the person he found most satisfying to kill.
  • Sex Is Violence:
    • After Seras demolishes his ghouls, Jan says that he's going to "die with a raging boner".
    • When Seras leads the seniors between Alucard and Anderson, Alucard says that his boner is gone and Anderson even calls it a mood killer.
    • The Major, especially after his comment on the Cold War.
      The Major: Blue-balled for forty years.
    • Anderson finally realizing why Alucard wants to "plow [Integra's] virgin soil" after seeing her decapitate a Nazi vampire and challenge the rest to the first real fight they've had in years.
  • Shoo Out the Clowns: Discussed in Episode 7, on how dark Episodes 5-7 are without Alucard's presence.
    Jaffe: No one else is gonna say it? Fine! I fucking will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!
    Wild Geese Grunt: Really, Jaffe?
    Jaffe: Yes, really, because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so God damn serious! Like there's something missing!
    Wild Geese Grunt: Hey, we're doing pretty OK without him. It's our time to shine, y'know—
    Jaffe: Dude! Let's face it, we fucking suck and no one likes us!
  • Shooting Superman:
    Alucard: (walks in the middle of a SWAT team) Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team opens fire on him) Apparently, it's great!
  • Shout-Out: Now with its own page.
  • Shown Their Work:
    • In-Universe. The Major points out that that it was actually mostly an off-brand drink mix called Flavor Aid, that was used during the Jonestown massacre when Seras insists on being the Kool-Aid to Millennium's death cult.
    • The Anderson Hamilton parody song references the main character (also named Anderson) of the hentai manga Angel Dust, an earlier work of Kouta Hirano.
  • Showy Invincible Hero: Alucard butchers his myriad enemies effortlessly because he's so much more powerful than them, and he knows it.
  • Sidetracked by the Analogy: One of Alucard's many death threats to the Pope mention he sends them so much to instil as much fear as possible "as if basting a turkey" which he will then have sex with. He then goes on to mention how he will "fuck the fear turkey".
  • Skewed Priorities: According to Alucard's Twitter account, while he was trapped on that boat, he managed to get cell service for a minute and asked for "nudes" to be sent his way.
  • Small Girl, Big Gun: Seras' anti-tank rifle is almost as big as she is.
  • Smug Super: Alucard.
    (while arguing with Integra): What are you going to do? Grab the guy who can stop me? What was his name… Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Soundtrack Dissonance: Invoked by popular vote within Millennium's forces, who decide to invade London while listening to "War" by Edwin Starr.
    Major: But first, a toast. To ze answer of an age-old question.
  • Source Music: The Nazis decide to listen to "War" by Edwin Starr while attacking London. We can hear it playing throughout the montage of their initial attack as the background music.
  • Spoonerism: Alucard is a "fuck-mothering vampire".
  • Squee: Seras does this in Episode 8, when Alucard finally calls her by her name instead of "Police Girl".
  • Stealth Pun:
    • Rip van Winkle talks about her kind of ship being "filled with blood and seamen".
    • Rip van Winkle is a Straw Feminist working for Millennium. She's a Feminazi.
    • Alucard slips in a jab at Walter while talking about their Unresolved Sexual Tension.
    Alucard: Look at me, Walter! I'm sucking everyone but you! So in celebration of the wasted attempts, I'm going to give you the little death you deserve...
    • Maxwell thanks the Klan for "swinging by".
    • The Major points out that the "juden" was Hitler's obsession, not his.
      The Major: "Anne Frankly", I resent the insinuation.
  • Straight Man: Luke, to Jan and Alucard.
  • Stock Footage: Whenever Alucard and Integra are on the phone together, the episodes use the same shots from the original OVA where they're talking to each other. This is most prevalent in Episodes 1-3.
  • Stock Scream: The Wilhelm Scream can be heard during the Nazi invasion of London in Episode 5.
    • And again in Episode 7.
  • Strange Minds Think Alike:
    • Alucard and Anderson, in terms of killing leprechauns.
      Alucard: I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?
      Anderson: I've never actually found one, but do you think if I cut one open with my knife it would spill out Lucky Charms?
    • During the 2013 TFS 18+ panel at Youmacon, this question was answered. They went and killed one during their spare time off-screen.
      Anderson: Turns out it was Boo Berry.
      Alucard: Who knew, right?
    • Something of a running theme with Anderson and Alucard. In Episode 6, Anderson refutes his subordinate's concern that he's going to run out of bayonets by asserting that he has "bayonets for days"; later in the same episode Seras asks if Alucard has a third eye and Alucard responds that he has "eyes for days."
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: When Alucard first sees Schrödinger, he mentions the "return of the why-boner. With a vengeance."
    • Alucard gets hard in Episode 10 at the thought of Integra being what amounts to a "gender-bent Walter". The outtakes have him call this "Why Boner 3: The Reckoning".
  • Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion: One of the leaders of Maxwell's new crusade subverts the common anti-gay slogan "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" during Maxwell's anti-Pope rant.
    Abbot Bucher: Yeah! Fuck, bro, it's "Adam and Eve", not "Adam and another dude and they're having sex"—
  • Suicide as Comedy: Alucard tells the mistress a story:
    Alucard: ...And I killed all but one of them.
    Integra: What happened to the last one?
    (In Alucard's flashback, the last soldier shoots himself in the head.)
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Maxwell towards his "volunteers"
    Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade...
  • Take That!:
    • To Twilight at the beginning of Episode 1.
    • Also from the first episode:
      Alucard: (sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. (Anderson turns the corner) Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
    • And in Episode 3 after he and Anderson decide not to get into a fight:
      Alucard: Kill you later, you Catholic sociopath! Whoops, tautology!
    • To prove his ability to make people say whatever the hell he wants and make them believe it, Alucard forces a guy to say White Chicks was amazing.
    • 3D screenings at movies (such as Spy Kids 3), on plasma-screened television sets, and much, much more as a concept gets one in Episode 2; when Alucard asks for a TV with plasma screen and other additions, Integra sarcastically asks if he wants 3D too, to which a suddenly angry Alucard says, "No! It's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!"
    • Rip Van Winkle is basically a huge Take That! to social justice warriors and meme overdose in general. It comes to be a Creator Backlash since they realize that it did little for the characterization of Rip Van Winkle.
    • Episode 6 has a big one against fundamentalists who hate tolerant and humble figures like Pope Francis.
    • Episode 10 has Alucard mention the "very fine people of the Nazi military"
    • The end credits for Episode 10 has a minor one to the Hatedom that claims that Teen Titans Go! has ruined their childhood by pointing out that the Teen Titans is on home media.invoked
    • Ironically enough, Episode 10 also has one toward the Hatedom of Twilight when Alucard points out that "getting angry about books aimed at horny teenage girls was ridiculous then, and it's ridiculous now." Doubles as a Self-Deprecation, considering the first scene of the first episode.invoked
    • A good-natured one in Episode 10 towards reaction videos. When Integra tells a group of students they need to bully Penwood Jr. Jr. less, he adds that he doesn't want to be a warrior, he just wants to make reaction videos. So Integra tells them to bully him more.
  • Tempting Fate:
    • During Episode 2, Jan teases that the shielded mooks he brought with him to attack the Hellsing Mansion would need something as powerful as an anti-tank rifle to penetrate through them. Seras was given one at the start of the episode, which was used for this very occasion.
      Jan: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH FUCK!! THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!!!
    • At the end of Episode 4, as a full-on war between Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millenium kicks off:
      Alucard: I better not miss a damn thing.
    • The start of episode 6, when Seras downs one of the Zeppelins.
      Mercer: Holy shit guys! I think we killed them all!
      (Nazi vampires start rising from the wreckage, silhouetted by flames)
      Mercenary: Hey Mercer - try not to choke on your fucking foot.
    • Similarly, just as Pip complains how boring it is that the Nazi vampires are slamming into the defences like idiots, he gets the news a giant woman has joined the assault and started wrecking the mansion.
    • At one point in Episode 7, Pip hopes that Millennium is running out of rockets. Directly after that:
      Nazi Grunt: (holding a Panzerfaust) Ma'am, we have an abundance of rockets.
    • Episode 8, Seras has arrived in London to protect Integra, and is letting her know that she's a fully fledged vampire, Anderson retorts:
      Anderson: And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire. It's a shame your blood sugar-daddy won't be see it.
      (The low-key intro of 'Ready to Die' begins to play, prompting a Mass "Oh, Crap!" from all in attendance as an aircraft carrier comes sailing out of the fog, and the song truly gets started.)
    • From the same episode, Maxwell gloats to Dracula's legion of ghouls that the holy "Popebox" shielding him is invincible to everything except the will of God Himself after it survives a significant fall. Anderson shatters the "Popebox", then Dracula's legion kills off Maxwell.
  • Theme Music Power-Up: After having last been used for the opening of Episode 4, Andrew W.K.'s "Party Party Party" makes a triumphant return in Episode 8 in order to complement Alucard's transformation back into his original form and subsequent annihilation of the enemy troops.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Alucard delivers a particularly venomous one in Episode 3 to Enrico Maxwell.
    Alucard: Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must've started with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the nine year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right, generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God...all over his back.
  • Those Wacky Nazis: Millennium is a Nazi remnant.
  • Touché: The Major is amused that nobody figured out that Alucard is a Sdrawkcab Name of Dracula, but when it's pointed out that it took a while for him to figure it out, the Major concedes it as a fair point.
  • Tranquil Fury: Alucard, of all people. Being the most powerful creature alive and a sarcastic as all hell to boot, it takes a lot to truly rile him up most of the time. But destroying his brand new pimped-out TV while he's in the middle of watching his favorite show is a good start.
    Alucard: That..was a 70-inch...plasma screen TV. (sucks air through teeth) So! How can I help you?
  • Troll: Alucard spends most of his free time doing things just to piss off Integra. The rest goes towards pissing off everyone else.
    • Integra definitely learned from him, given her interactions with the Catholics, but particularly the Iscariot Organization in episode 8.
    • Seras seems to have picked up a little bit of this, as in the epilogue she wordlessly trolls Heinkel by blowing her kisses, then cracks a joke about Integra's age that gets her kicked in the face.
    • The Major casually reveals Iscariot's involvement in helping Millennium escape from Germany for no reason other than to make Maxwell look bad in front of the Queen, Hellsing, and the Convention.
  • Tsundere: Alucard towards Integra
  • Unstoppable Rage: Seras goes into one destroying Jan Valentine's ghouls. Integra later calls it a "Blood Rage", implying it's something that all true vampires can do.
  • Verbal Backspace:
    Alucard: Now if you don't mind, I've got things to do.
    Integra: What things? You don't do things!
    Alucard: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
    Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests?
    Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
  • Verbal Tic: The Salvation Army leader likes punctuating his sentences with "Fuck, bro!"
  • Villainous Breakdown: A good deal of Alucard's actions result in Smug Snake villains completely losing it, and it's always cathartic.
  • Villainous Crush: In Episode 5, we learn that the Major has a... healthy amount of respect for Sir Integra.
    The Major: Any woman who commands ze respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vith. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night with a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly. But not trifled vith!
  • Voice of the Legion: Alucard gets this in Episode 8 when releasing Restraint Level Zero. Then Anderson gets it when he turns himself into a conduit of God's will.
  • Volleying Insults: Integra and Maxwell's greeting conversation was a long verbal ping pong game with insults as the ball. Alucard, naturally, trumps Maxwell (and the Catholic Church) by throwing out the insult equivalent of a nuclear strike, which enrages Maxwell so much he calls in Anderson.
  • Waxing Lyrical:
    • In Ultimate 5: "London Bridge is falling down!" "Falling down?" "Falling down!" "London bridge is falling down, my fair lady... what do we do?"
      • Which is the payoff to an earlier gag with Millennium which both implies and invokes the trope when discussing what targets in London should be destroyed.
        Millennium Soldier (snickering) "Mmmhmhm, what about London Briiidge?"
        Major: (exasperated) Ja, ja, London Bridge is falling down, we all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you go ahead and sing it, I don't care.
    • Major unironically quotes Edwin Starr's War as London is attacked and the song plays, to a creepy effect. The song was explicitly chosen for the irony.
      Doktor: Is it everything you ever dreamed of, Major?
      Major: Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives.
      Edwin Starr: War has caused unrest, within the younger generation-
      Major: (in time with the song's lyrics) Induction, then destruction, WHO WANTS TO DIE?!
  • What Measure Is a Mook?:
    Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team opens fire) Apparently, it's great!
    (carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator)
    Integra: Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?
    Walter: Well...(Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses) the Alucard amount.
  • Wide Eyes and Shrunken Irises: Alucard's soul in the finale, when he realizes he has to perform therapy on himself. Particularly noticeable since at this point he’s nothing but an eye.
  • A Wizard Did It: When it comes to explaining Alucard's ability to regenerate after being decapitated, he responds, "Fuck you, that's how." Seras says the same to Zorin after her transformation into a real vampire, healing all the damage that she had inflicted on Seras as well.
  • World War III: The Major compares Millenium's attack on London to be this.
  • Worthy Opponent: Alucard acknowledges Anderson as one in episode 8, and is royally pissed when Anderson gets Killed Mid-Sentence.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: Seras Victoria, thanks to her police training, is able to bust out an arm bar submission maneuver, much to Walter's surprise. It doesn't take long for her to lampshade that everyone's nickname for her might have tipped off how she learned the hold.
    Seras: (while pinning Jan to the ground) Arm bars, everywhere!
  • Wrong Song Gag: In "Trigger Warning", Alucard was about to bust into a meeting with a certain song playing, only for either Seras or Pip to forget the song. Alucard then instructs them to instead take his phone and hit "random". This results in Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" playing during his big entrance.
    Alucard: Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work.
  • You Are Better Than You Think You Are: In a rare OOC moment, Alucard delivers one of these to Seras in episode 7, just as she's about to give up after Pip being murdered, as well as losing her eyes and left arm to Zorin.
  • You Are Fat: The first thing Alucard does upon seeing the Major again is laugh and mock him for being fat, and apparently has always looked that fat since World War 2.
  • You Are What You Hate: Rip Van Winkle viciously criticizes Alucard for being bigoted. This coming from a Nazi. He throws this back in her face by pointing out that he's actually not a bigot.
  • You Called Me "X"; It Must Be Serious: In the scenes where they interact together in the latter half of the series, Seras is always formal with Pip, referring to him as "Mr. Bernadotte". It isn’t until after he’s fatally wounded by Zorin Blitz in Episode 7 that she finally calls him by his first name.
    Seras: M-Mr. Bernadotte…? Pip? PIP?!
  • You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!: Integra in Episode 5 responds with this while dodging rockets in her car:
    Integra: YOU'VE! (boom!) GOT! (boom!) TO! (boom!) BE! (boom!) SHIT-(boom!)-TING! (boom!) ME!
  • Your Mom: Alucard gives a particularly nice one to the SWAT team who bust into his room.
    Alucard: One of them yelled out:
    Alucard: And I responded with: I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!!
    Alucard: And they took exception to that.
  • Your Vampires Suck: Towards The Twilight Saga, in Episode 1, as the hatedom for the series was at its peak during the Episode's release.
    Bella: Ah yes! I love you, Edward!
    Edward: [emotionessly] And I... love you... Bella...
    [Knocking on door]
    Edward: Hold on... Who is it?...
    Alucard: Oh, you know...
    [Proceeds to shoot Edward from behind the door several times until he dies]
    Alucard: A REAL fucking vampire!
  • You Will Be Spared: The Major plans to destroy all of London...except the Holocaust Museum. He doesn't want anyone denying what they did in WWII.

[Thirty years in the future...]
Alucard: Uh, by the way, did One Piece wrap up, finally?
Integra: Yeah, but it's got a sequel called Two Piece.
Alucard: [not expecting a positive answer] Is it any good?
Integra: Eh, not sure how I feel about Buffy as the main character.

Alternative Title(s): Hellsing Abridged


Scarlet Tampon

It's impossible to sneak up and try to spy on a Vampire. Especially when it's a "Fuck-Mothering Vampire".

How well does it match the trope?

4.6 (10 votes)

Example of:

Main / OvertOperative

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