Funny / Hellsing Ultimate Abridged

---

Warning: Spoilers Off applies to this page. Proceed at your own risk.

---

The cleanest way Alucard entertains himself. Your mileage may vary.

Episode 1: "Psych, Hitler!"

• The Fake-Out Opening involving One Piece.
  • Double funny when one considers that in several promotional videos leading up to this premiere the team hinted with zero subtlety that One Piece was their new project. As such everyone was really surprised by the fake out.
• During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills Edward Cullen. Also doubles as an Awesome Moment.
  Edward Cullen: (answers the door) Who is it?
  Alucard: Oh, you know... (shoots Edward Cullen thirty-seven times) A real fucking vampire!
• Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
  Seras: There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead! There's blood everywhere!
  Alucard: (delighted) Oh, you are just a treat.
• Alucard meets a vampire priest who is holding Seras hostage and intends to rape and then kill her. Alucard doesn't take him seriously at all.
  Vampire Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
  Alucard: Mm-hmm.
  Vampire Priest: But first, I’m going to rape her!
  Alucard: Neat.
  Vampire Priest: But before I can do any of that... I’m going to kill you!
  Alucard: Oh? See, that WOULD be intimidating, if you were... (chuckles) ...well, intimidating~.
  Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me?
  Alucard: Oh, no. No, no, no, no... (scoffs) Yeah!
  (Shoots the vampire priest and Seras)
  Bon Jovi: Shot through the heart!
• With both the priest dead and Seras on the verge of death, Alucard tries apologizing to her.
  Alucard: Oh, yeah...forgot about you. Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree...
  Seras: (Choking on her own blood)
  Alucard: Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde eviscerated puppy.
  Seras: (whimpers while tears roll down her face)
  Alucard: Okay, Christ, fine, I'll help you. But only 'cause you've got nice tits.
• The "field report"-
  Integra: So, that's your field report?
  Alucard: Yup.
  Integra: You went for a walk in the forest at midnight?
  Alucard: Yup.
  Integra: You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
  Alucard: Dead.
  Integra: ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a—
  Both: Big-tittied police girl.
  Alucard: Yes, like I didn't just get through explaining this!
  • The current mission's "field report"-
    Integra: So, that's your field report?
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: So, you broke into the house...
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: And you shot him thirty-six times—
    Alucard: Thirty-seven.
    Integra: And took out his partner...
    Alucard: To be fair, that was the Police Girl— with the big titties.
    Integra: (Beat) You need to stop going on "walks".
    Alucard: Then you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
• Also:
  Alucard: I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
  Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests...
  Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
• Alexander Anderson's introduction while talking to Father Renaldo:
  Anderson: So what can I do for ya, Father O'Malley O'Connell O'Carroll O'Reilly O'Brien O'Sullivan... who is also Italian?
• This exchange between Alucard and Integra:
  Integra: Sweet Christ... just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Police Girl with you.
  Alucard: Aw, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
  Integra: Ah, ah, ah! None of the sass.
  Alucard: Yes, mom!
• "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!"
  • Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's carnage-fueled joy... at least until she caves and tries shooting one.
    Seras: Ah, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun. (Fires, the bullet tears a massive hole in the zombie's head, and her eyes turn red) Oh fuck the hell, yes.
  • Immediately after she indulges in a blood rage, Alucard gives us this line:
    Alucard: Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
    (Seras gets stabbed by more than five different blessed bayonets, courtesy of Anderson)
    Alucard: Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.
• Then when Anderson appears:
  Alucard: (sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.
  (Anderson turns the corner)
  Alucard: Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
• Integra learning who's also been sent to Ireland:
  Walter: Alexander Anderson.
  Integra: Oh, fuck all kinds of duck.
• "I'm a fuckmothering vampire!"
• All of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
  • Alucard calling Anderson out on quoting The Boondock Saints.
    Alucard: Boondock. Saints. I mean, seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. (chuckles) Get it?
    Anderson: OK, y'know what? Fuck it. Knife.
    Alucard: Knife?
    (Anderson stabs Alucard to no avail)
    Alucard: Boom. Headshot.
    (Alucard shoots Anderson in the head)
    Alucard: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho—
    (Anderson decapitates Alucard, complete with soundbyte of Eddie Riggs going "DECAPITATIOOOOON~!")
    Anderson: Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenbe—
    (Realizes Police Girl has run off with Alucard's head)
    Anderson: Son of a Protestant whore! Well, y'know what time it is.
    (Brandishes his bayonets, a caption saying "RAPE" appears)
  • Which becomes funny as, while Anderson dies, he accepts that yes, Boondock Saints is his favorite movie.

• "Police Girl! Poliiice giiiirl!! You are reading your master's mind! Put my head between your booooooooobs!"
  • (muffled) "Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is... put me between your le—" (gets Pinned to the Wall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled) "Goddammit!"
• Sera’s considers her options. "I could try seducing him. Wait, I'm not an eight-year-old boy! Shit!"
• The conversation between Integra and Anderson before Alucard regenerates is also highly entertaining.
  Integra: Just shut up. Where the hell is Alucard?
  Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
  Integra: Killed him?
  Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
  Integra: Oh! Well that's step one. What about two through ten?
  Anderson: Ah, Christ!
  (Alucard regenerates)
  Alucard: You done goofed.
  Anderson: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
  Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.

Episode 2: "Bullet From Your Valentine"

• Anderson reading the legal disclaimer:
  "...so please support the official release... ye Protestant fuckbucket."
• Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan:
  Alucard: Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine... point nine percent done...
  (cut to a zombie clawing at a school's gate.)
  • Which doubles as Fridge Brilliance from the huge implication that Alucard's the entire reason for that very series happening in the first place. Also doubles as a Mythology Gag since one of the characters and Hellsing's creator share the same name.
• Integra listing the rather expensive claims the organization's racked up because of a certain fuckmothering vampire.
  Alucard: Like what?
  Integra: First off, property damage...
  (cut to a large explosion in the middle of a street)
  Alucard: Good times.
  Integra: Dozens of noise complaints...
  (loud music blaring from a speaker next to Alucard)
  Alucard: Sorry, I can't hear you.
  Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
  Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
  Integra: AND, all of the sexual harassment.
  Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.
  • The complaints about sexual harassment become even more hilarious as of Episode 7, where it's revealed that most of the complaints were regarding Integra! It also explains why Alucard refuses to apologize.
  • And then there's Integra delivering her request.
    Integra: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
    Alucard: Buuuuuut~?
    Integra: I'm want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone.
    Alucard: (Beat) I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
    Integra: Alucard—
    Alucard: I'm gonna go with "no".
• Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's first appearance:
  (Alucard is watching Adventure Time in his room)
  Jake the Dog: (ecstatic laughter)
  (TV suddenly explodes as Luke enters.)
  Alucard: That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. (smacks his lips and inhales deeply) So... how can I help you?
  Luke: You must be the great Alucard...
  Alucard: 'Sup.
  Luke: I've heard quite a lot about you.
  Alucard: Oh, really?
  Luke: The nightwalker...who glides through oceans of blood... beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself—
  Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!
  Luke: ...Excuse you?
  Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like the dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
  Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
  Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am.
  Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
  Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
  (Mexican Standoff ensues)
  Alucard: Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?
  • From context, Alucard would have just heard the "all RIGHT now" joke from "Power Animal". Which Alucard being himself he would have loved.
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but on the screen behind Jake, right before Luke busts in? There's a smashed TV.
• Somehow, Jan is even more hilarious and vulgar than he is in the actual series.
  (Luke just butchered a bunch of guards; his cell phone goes off)
  Luke: Hello, Jan. (dead guards collapse)
  Jan: (sitting on a pile of corpses) So... how's my favorite big brother doing?
  Luke: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards.
  Jan: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me...(shot of the corpses covering the carpet in the hallway) I'm winning.
  Luke: They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
  Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys! Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! (Ghoul groans)
  • Jan in general is a walking talking embodiment of Crosses the Line Twice. That phone call he has with Luke? It ends with a noise that indicates that Jan likely just made good on his promise of "Skull-fucking for everyone".
  • Luke's response is perfectly framed:
    Luke: ...well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
• The entire scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. The note on the claim said, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."
  Integra: (thinking) I WOULD DO FUCKING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.
  (Cut to Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ)
  Jan: ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!
  Luke: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
  Jan: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
  Luke: For God's sake, Jan, think of mother!
  Jan: ...I ain't jerking off right now...
  • In Episode 7 Alucard admits he "Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen." But it wasn't his fault.^pssttotally his fault Though, given who we're talking about here, its' entirely possible he did both.
  • And this orphaned punchline:
    Islands: ...and while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again!
• During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
  Communications officer: (pained sobbing)
  Jan: Read the fucking paper!
  Communications officer: (whimpering) "H-hey there, Integra—"
  Jan: READ IT FUCKING (SLAP!) RIGHT, COCKHOLE!!
  Communications officer: (obviously trying to hold back tears) "HEEY THERE, you fat... English... whore..."
  Jan: That's more like it. Now keep going.
  Communications officer: (pained) "Me... and my big brother Luke, are killing... all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace... with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." (gags) Oh God...
  Jan: Keep reading... (clocks gun) or I shoot the other testicle!
  Communications officer: "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." (breaks down) "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and semen." Oh God, th-this is horrible!
  Jan: You ain't finished yet!
  Communications officer: "So prepare your dried-out pussy... (breaks down again) for my huge vampire coh-hoh-hock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out—" OHGODNO!! (BLAM!!!)
  Jan: Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is priceless! (hangs up)
  • The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
• Integra immediately calls Alucard for assistance, but he's having none of it.
  Integra: Alucard, get up here right now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and—
  Alucard: Okay, see, I'm gonna have to stop you riiiiight there. You see, I am under strict orders from my boss — who is a total bitch, by the way, (AHEM) — that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
  Integra: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will-
  Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Byeee~...
  (Adventure Time's theme song starts, Alucard hangs up)
  Integra: (snaps cigar in her fingers) WALTER!
• Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!".
  • Now in T-shirt form!
• Jan's lines before the attack on the mansion:
  Jan: ...And we came all the way out here, with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
  Hellsing Guard: Where from?
  (loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)
  Jan: Texas! (snaps fingers)
  (Guard gets mulched by bullets)
  Jan: Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
• Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.
  Jan: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
• Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":
  Alucard: What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael McDoesn'tExist?
• Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.
  Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons!
  • As well as Seras' Call-Back when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle:
    Seras: (staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls) Bitches love cannons. (KABOOM!!)
• Jan's last few moments in general...
  Walter: (snags Jan's right arm with his Razor Wire as he tries to run) I've got your arm!
  Jan: (keeps running and lets his arm get ripped off) So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!
  (Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets there, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.)
  Jan: ...Well, that's not fair at all.
  Integra: I'm sorry; we don't give a fuck. (Everyone opens fire on Jan)
  Jan: (getting riddled with bullets) FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
  • Jan's reaction to Seras' Blood Rage:
    Jan: Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.
  • Jan's reveal, which the people hearing ignore precisely because it would mean Alucard was right:
    Jan: (on fucking fire) The one who sent me was... Naaaaaziiiiiis.
    Integra: I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?
    Walter: I heard the Miami Heat.
    Seras: I heard The Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing.
• "YOU KNOW, THEY SAY TV MAKES YOU VIOLENT. BUT I'D SAY NOT HAVING MY TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!"
  • Luke desperately tries to escape... only to realize how fucked he is upon remembering that he has to climb the stairs without his legs.
    Luke: I'm near the stairs... Gotta get to the stairs...! If I can just get up the stairs, I...!
    (pan to the long-ass staircase before Luke)
    Luke: Awwwwwwww... fuck.
  • "COME ON! YOU WERE TALKING ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO, THEN I BLEW YOUR FUCKING LEGS OFF!"
    • "WHAT'S WRONG, DEMIGOD? JUST GROW BACK YOUR LEGS. SUMMON UP YOUR DEMONS! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! GIVE ME A HUG!"
      Luke: ...Really?
      (Alucard smiles as he sics Baskerville on Luke)
      Luke: OHGODNO-
• Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding... courtesy of Alucard.
  Alucard: (Over the intercom as he's eating Luke) WE'RE HERE ON EPIC MEAL TIME! I'M THE SAUCE BOSS, AND TONIGHT, WE'RE EATING THIS BLOND LITTLE WANNABE DEMIGOD BITCH!
  Sir Penwood: Who... is that, exactly?
  Integra: Oh that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?
  Sir Penwood: Issue?
  Sir Islands: What issue?
  Sir Penwood: I don't see an issue.
  Unknown: Shut up and take our money!!!
• This exchange:
  Alucard: And just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
  Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a Blood Rage.
  Seras: What's a Blood Rage? And why don't I remember anything?
• Seras:
  Seras: (taking down Jan) ARMBARS EVERYWHERE!
  Walter: That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?
  Seras: Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!
  Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.
• Speaking of sarcasm, Jan's completely sarcastic apology to Walter is so mild-mannered compared to his normal speech patterns that it's hilarious.
  Jan: Wow, gee willikers mister. I sure am sorry for slaughtering all your guards and tearing up your mansion. I promise I've learned my less—(Walter stomps on his hand)—aww fuck! Take a joke, asshole!

Episode 3: "TheCrimsonFuckr"

• The preview for Episode 3:
  Seras: Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
  Alucard: GOOD!
  • Also...
    Alucard: (lengthy, sinister evil laughter) Oh Marmaduke, you can't ride a bike; you're a dog.
• Jan is brought back to life... to read the legal credits that open up every episode. GanXingba decided to improv and did a... creative reinterpretation of the disclaimer.
  Jan: "The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse—" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck. That. If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be MY kind of fucking line. (clears throat) My THROBBING VAMPIRE DICK is a fan-based parody. Its SHAFT, BALLS, and SCROTUM, are property of me, JAN VALENTINE, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support MY DICK by helping with its official release. You know you want to.
• The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
  Abraham Van Helsing: Vampire King... you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER?! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
  Alucard: ...The Aristocrats.
  Van Helsing: Grrr...(stakes Alucard)
  • The same scene in the Spanish fandub (the CardGames4ever version) deserves a special mention. With Van Helsing voiced over by none other than Carlos Segundo (the official voice actor for Piccolo). And the theme of Batman: The Animated Series (the epic Batman: Mask of the Phantasm remix) blaring in the background. Pure, hammy, unadulterated Comically Seriousness, ladies and gentlemen. Especially in the end.
    Alucard: ...Your Mom.
    Van Helsing: Yours... (impales Alucard)
• The ending for Episode 3. Alucard tweets it.
  • Also, the advantage that Millennium has over Hellsing: ZEPPELINS!
• On the establishing shot of Rio: "Jesus wants a hug!" Even better in that the line was ad libbed.
• Alucard meeting Pip and Company:
  Pip: Is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
  Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing--
  Alucard: (very suddenly phasing through the wall) HEYKIDSWANNASEEADEADBODY!?!
  The Wild Geese: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
  (Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming)
  Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
  (The Wild Geese quiet down, whimpering literally like dogs)
  • Directly following that:
    Alucard: So, what's up with the Pride meeting?
    Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers—
    Alucard: Wait. Are these guys French?
    Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
    Alucard: We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
• Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
  Walter: Sir Integra, I apologize, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with—and mind my French, no offense—
  Pip: Some taken.
  Walter: —"Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
  Alucard: HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
  Integra: (sigh) Oh God... walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
• Integra and Maxwell meet:
  Integra: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, ITALIAN PIECE OF SH—(Switches to museum) Maxwell! Oh, it's been far too long.
  Maxwell: I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; (takes off his glasses) just look at all those lines on your face.
  Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose! How is the Pope doing?
  Maxwell: Better than your failing church.
  Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
  Maxwell: But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
  Alucard: (phasing through the wall) Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruellest handicap... which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. All over his back.
  Maxwell: (losing his shit, shattering his glasses) ANDERSOOOOOOOOOON!!!
  (Anderson appears at the end of the hallway)
  Anderson: (drawing his holy knives) SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING.
  Alucard: (drawing his guns, overjoyed) YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!
  Anderson: KISS THE SON LEST HE BE ANGRY, AND YE PERISH FROM THE WAY WHEN HIS WRATH IS KINDLED BUT A LITTLE!
  • This gains extra hilarity when we learn that Maxwell was essentially raised by Anderson. He is literally yelling for his father because he's getting bullied.
• Alucard and Anderson's rematch gets sidetracked when Seras leads a tour group consisting of old people directly in their path.
  Alucard and Anderson: (borderline insane laughter as they stare one another down)
  Seras: (appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks) Right this way, Group B! That's right, right in front of everybody else; you're eighty, you're used to it! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
  Alucard: Uh... welp, my boner's gone.
  Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
  Alucard: Wanna try this again some other time?
  Anderson: Of course. Kill ya later, you monstrous heathen.
  Alucard: You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology! (Exit him and Anderson)
  Maxwell: (deeply disturbed) You... want some coffee?
  Integra: (equally disturbed)...I'd love some.
  • Made all the funnier by the fact that the Squiddles theme is playing in the background.
• Alucard's letter to the Pope:
  Dear Chief Replacement,
  
  I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instil as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
  
  That's right.
  
  I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.
  
  Follow me @theCrimsonFuckr!
  
  Sincerely, Alucard
  • Integra's reaction:
    Integra: I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
  • Also, the very fact Alucard writes a violent death threat to the pope every couple of days and sends it personally. "By carrier pigeon, no less! They just fly right into the Vatican!"
  • Hell, the way Maxwell speaks Alucard's nickname: "The CRIM-SON FUCKERRR."
  • The fact that despite telling the guy that he's going to violently murder him and possibly do unspeakable things to his corpse, Alucard still wants the Pope to follow him on Twitter.
  • Further, consider that while Alucard's voice narrated, in universe, it was MAXWELL WHO READ THAT ALOUD TO INTEGRA. "Dear chief replacement" to "fuck the fear turkey" and all.
  • However, the real cherry-on-top with this joke is that the then real-life Pope, Benedict XVI, announced his plans to resign, very shortly after the episode's release. Why, you ask? He's concerned about his health! Alucard's Twitter had a field day with it.
• When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring Smash Cut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
  Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel—
  (Smash Cut to a news report several hours later)
  Reporter: ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. (While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive Spit Take while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman) The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker...
  Integra: (seething with rage and barely stopping with each period) On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
  Alucard: (among all the bodies as Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" plays) Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. (cuts the music and picks up the phone) M'yello~?
  Integra: What. Did you do?
  Alucard: ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
  Integra: WHAT. DID YOU DO?
  Alucard: Okay, first... I was minding my own business—
  Integra: (slams her hand into the table) BULLSHIT!
  Alucard: (whiny tone of voice) I waaaaas!
  Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
  Alucard: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller... and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
  (flashback to SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)
  Alucard: One of them yelled out—
  Flashback SWAT member: Get on your knees!
  Alucard: And I responded with—
  Flashback Alucard: I'm not your mother last night!
  Alucard: ...and they took exception to that.
  (SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie)
  Alucard: But you know how THAT song-and-dance goes...
  (as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them)
  Alucard: ...and I killed all but one of them.
  Integra: What happened to the last one?
  (the last SWAT agent whimpers as he shakily raises his sidearm to his head; Alucard grins evilly while the gun goes off)
  Alucard: Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining? (shot of bloody corpses) I can cancel my room service!
  • After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
    (Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)
    Alucard: (with his mouth full) You've been really quiet for like, five minutes...(loud, noisy chewing) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
    Integra: Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
    Alucard: ...Really? You want to talk to— Okay, bye. Whatever. ( ^{barely audible conversation}"Take the fucking call." "What does she want?" "I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk.")
    Seras: 'Ello?
    Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room under any circumstance!
    Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was goin' for a walk—
    Integra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
    • This little exchange comes off as Alucard being Integra's bratty kid and Seras as his babysitter.
  • Immediately followed by:
    (Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team)
    Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team has a Freak Out, and opens fire) Apparently, it's GREAT!!
    (carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator... with Alucard following after them)
    Integra: (wearily) Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?
    Walter: Well...(Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses) ...the Alucard amount.
• During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes. All of them.
  Alhambra: You activated my Trap Card. (finger snap)
  Alucard: (as a ring of cards appears around him) OH BOY— (KABOOM)
  Alhambra: (amused chuckle)
  Alucard: HEY DANDY DICK! (Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel) You missed! (runs up the wall) Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!
  • And Alucard's Call-Back to it, right before laying a beating on Alhambra:
    Alucard: Oh, shame for you. (releasing Control Art limiters) You activated my Alu-Card.
• Integra's Combat Commentator role:
  (Alhambra attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage) Oh my God—WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!
  (Repeat above) Well, at least he's just dodging them.
  (Alucard shoots at Alhambra and the missed attacks hit more police officers) Oh come on, that was on purpose!
• What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
  Alucard: Hey, Dandy Man.
  Alhambra: (whimper of pain)
  Alucard: You lost.
  Alhambra: (whimper of acknowledgment)
  Alucard: And now I have to read your mind...
  Alhambra: (whimper of confusion)
  Alucard: ...by drinking all your blood.
  Alhambra: (whimper of fear)
  Alucard: OM NOM NOM NOM. (starts devouring Alhambra)
  (Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start)
  Alucard: The fuck is this? The fuck is that?! The fuck are THOSE?!
  • In case you're wondering, it's one of [adult swim]'s programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, it's the music video for Blockhead's "The Music Scene".
    • And after he gets all of his memories:
      Alucard: (laughing maniacally while giving a Slow Clap)
      Seras: Master?
      Alucard: Hold on; I need to tweet about this...
      (Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline)
      [@TheCrimsonFuckr]: IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire
      Integra: (disgusted sigh)
      Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter?
      Integra: It's the fucking—
      (Smash Cut to...)
      The Major: NAZIS~!
• How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
  Walter: Interesting - but do you think Alucard will go?
  Integra: Not as long as it's an order.
  Walter: I think I have an idea... (Smash Cut to Walter talking with Alucard) Did you know you have vacation days?
  Alucard: I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
  Walter: (curtly) Quite...
  Alucard: Well that settles it, I'm going travelling!
  Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
  Alucard: (Beat)
  Walter: (beat)
  Alucard: (quickly) TakingthepolicegirlandtheFrenchman!
  • The only way Walter knows this is because he fell for the same trick when Integra's uncle was plotting to kill her. He even took vacation in Brazil as well!
  • Also, during the flight to Brazil, Alucard is in full Man of Wealth and Taste regalia with A Glass of Chianti, bobbing his head to Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me":
    Pip: So, where is the police girl?
    Alucard: Oh, you know, she's downstairs.
    Pip: ...Isn't that the cargo hold?
    (switches to a coffin strapped down to the floor of the plane)
    Seras: (inside the coffin) I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
• The conversation between the Major and Herr Doktor:
  Doc: I'm so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man.
  Major: Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He vas a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
  Doc: But, Major, now zat zey know of our plans...
  Major: Ah, Herr Doktor, but zat is the plan. Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plans. And so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan zat zey are planning around our plan!
  (Beat)
  Doc: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
  Major: And regardless, ve have one advantage zat zey sorely lack...ZEPPELINS!
• Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
  "Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
  • Soon followed by:
    Alucard: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
    Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit! (runs away)
• When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
  Alhambra: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this...I would have hung some Union Jacks for you.
  Alucard: (bashfully) Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?
  Alhambra: (deep, flourishing bow) I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, "The Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality...
  Alucard: And they fucking bought that?!
  Alhambra: Like discount peixe.
  Alucard: (legitimately amused) You cheeky dick-waffle!
• Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
  Hotel Clerk: There we are, a regular two-bed room.
  Alucard: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
  Hotel Clerk: I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
  Alucard: (stretches out hand) I SAID... (puts finger right between the Clerk's eyes) You want to give me the penthouse.
  Hotel Clerk: I... want to give you the penthouse.
  Alucard: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
  Hotel Clerk: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
  Alucard: (turns to Pip, casual tone) See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want! (back to hypnotizing O'Brian) White Chicks was amazing.
  Hotel Clerk: White Chicks was amazing.
  Alucard: (enthusiastic) He believes it, too!
  Pip Bernadotte: (with the word "NO" repeated in the background) Ergh.
• Right after Pip effortlessly kills the corrupt officials, and blows up their tent, we have this line.
  Pip: Well, let's see what he thinks about having that drink with me.
  (Smash Cut to Alucard on the roof, bleeding all over the place)
  Alucard: (groans) Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore...
  • And right before that, we hear two of the police officers talking about the immortality they were promised. One of them says "Joke's on you! I'm getting double immortality!"

Episode 4: "Trigger Warning"

• The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
  Maxwell: Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have... egregious offenses on their records.
  Priest: Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
  Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
  Priest: ...Amongst other things.
  Maxwell: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?
  (Priest stammers in fear)
  Maxwell: Wow.
• Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's cu-; it cuts right to the episode proper.
• The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
  Alucard: Say it.
  Integra: Fuck you.
  Alucard: After you say it.
  Integra: You're really going to force me on this.
  Alucard: I'm at half-mast. I need to hear this!
  Integra: Fine! You were right!
  Alucard: (prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders)
  Integra: Jump up your own ass and DIE! (slams the phone down)
  Alucard: Ohhhh... Houston, we have noooo problems.
  • If you look closely, you can see that Integra is blushing, in both anger and embarrassment that she's actually having this conversation with Alucard. She blushes even harder after Alucard shuddering groans. Also, if you pay attention, it's obvious that Alucard wasn't actually rubbing one out. He was just pretending he was over the phone to piss her off. That or he actually was able to get off just from hearing her admit he was right. Alucard being Alucard, both possibilities are very real.
  • Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
    Alucard: Okay, dude, I just—I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha—(gets decked by Anderson) Never mind, we're back in business!
• Seras leads to a hilariously awful reference back to Episode 1.
  Seras: I've got him! (Anderson throws a bayonet near her head and she collapses on the spot in a horrified daze)
  Alucard: Ah great, and now she's triggered! Could be all day with it.
• After that is Anderson's orders, which are pretty normal with one exception...
  Anderson: Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! And the woman!
  Pip: 'Donc quoi...?^note Translation: "Wait, what...?"
  Alucard: Man... I don't know what I find funnier—the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I've done to the statue of Big J~!
  Anderson: ...?
  (Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, a rainbow-colored banner suspended between his outstretched hands reads 420YOLOSWAG4JESUS)
  Anderson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • At the meeting later, one of Maxwell's men mentions they still haven't gotten the banner down.
    Priest: I think it's a constrictor knot.
• Queen Elizabeth II's lines. Every one of them.
  Alucard: (genuine delight in his voice) Oh, shit! Is that Betty?!
  Guards: (as Alucard approaches) Sir, you can't just—
  Alucard: (throws guards aside) GET OUT OF MY WAY!
  Queen: (with Alucard kneeling before her) Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
  Alucard: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
  Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
  Alucard: Ah, shut up you old hag, I'd still wreck you like Diana.
  Queen: (soft laughter) Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.
  Sir Penwood: (offscreen) ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!
  • Then when Integra gets him to stop:
  Integra: Alucard, if you please...
  Alucard: You're right, enough focusing on the past... Instead, let's focus on the past!
  • The Queen really wants to see The Major suffer...
    Queen: Integra, Alucard.
    Alucard: Yes, sugar-lips?
    Queen: (sweet, motherly voice) When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night.
    (Beat)
    Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU!
    Maxwell: HEY!
    Alucard: Oh, shut up.
• Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II... when he was a girl for some reason.^note  Made even funnier by the fact that this was not just a joke. Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, Hellsing: The Dawn, which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an incredibly effeminate appearance◊ during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is shorter than he is.
  Sir Reginald: Wait a second, then that implies that the Queen—
  Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
  • The mission to go after the Major and his group? "Operation Kraut Control".
• The Obvious Judas on the captured ship.
  Soldier: Sir! There's an inbound helicopter trying to land!
  Officer: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know-? [Violet bares his fangs] OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PURPLE! [SPLAT]
• Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
  • Rip talking with Commander Violet.
    Rip Van Winkle: Zis is my favorite kind of ship — laden with blood und se(a)men.
    Commander Violet: Uh... what—
    Rip Van Winkle: (quickly) Ze game!
    Commander Violet: ...What game?
    Rip Van Winkle: You lose! Lol I so random!
    Commander Violet: (...moving along) So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.
    Rip Van Winkle: Oh, danke schön, Captain. Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them in to ghouls, betraying your family und country? All for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?
    Commander Violet: ...Wow. Uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt.
  • Rip starts to sing 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Really.
    Nazi 1: Ze hell is she singing now?
    Nazi 2: I have no idea. I think it was popular a couple years back.
    Nazi 3: At least she is no longer going on about ze ponies and ze friendship and ze wrapping of the winter!
    • It got a full version.
    • The scene got a ponified version. That last line just got really ironic.
  • Rip embodies all the randomness of internet memes.
    Rip: Rainbow, tacos, Doctor Who, Homestuck!
  • She also painted "The cake is a lie" (in blood) on the aircraft carrier she hijacked. Only one person gets the reference.
    Dude Who Gets The Reference:^note (And yes, that's how he's credited in the description) And that was Portal , by the way. That's Portal. That's... where it's from.
  • Even the Pre-Asskicking One-Liner Alucard gives before finishing off Rip is hilarious.
    Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's NO ONE ALIVE who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! (clocks her one)
  • Even the official subtitles get in on the action.
  • Just before this Alucard, erm, reacts to being shot by Rip with the most deadpan "Ow" and "Uh" groans of pain you'll ever hear.
• When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the SR-71 Blackbird:
  Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
  • This is one of the few lines that got improved in the Italian fandub, where Alucard doesn't rage at Integra for not getting the Blackbird, but at Santa Claus. Fandub!Alucard believes in Santa.
• Schrödinger at the meeting.
  • First, Alucard's reaction to him.
    Alucard: Ah. The return of the "why" boner. With a vengeance.
  • Everyone is wondering how he got in.
    Integra: How did he get in here?
    Walter: We had over a dozen guards.
    Alucard: Those were ours? I mean, oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
  • Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
    Major: Schrödinger?
    Schrödinger: It's not working, Major!
    Major: Did you click T.V., zen Power?
    Schrödinger: Oh, vait, I'm on Video 2.
    Major: Nein, Video 1!
  • Then he/she hits on Seras:
    Schrödinger: Fraulein. Fraulein? Fraulein! HEY, FRAULEIN!
    Seras: Oi!
    Schrödinger: Ve would make beautiful children.
    (Seras gawks and blushes, and Alucard shoots Schrödinger in the face)
    Alucard: Was that boy-girl bugging you?
    Major: Und like zat, ze var begins.
    Alucard: Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?
    Integra: Police Girl...?
    (Seras shoots the Major's T.V. with the Harknonen)
    Seras: (internal monologue) Huh. They would look rather nice, actually.
• Alucard busting into the meeting with Meredith Brooks' Bitch playing from his phone. Everyone's expressions (especially Maxwell's) are what completely sell this moment.
  Alucard: Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
  Integra: Following your example?
  Alucard: Ooo, catty~
  • Made funnier by the fact that you can hear Alucard arguing with either Seras or Pip (most likely Seras) about having forgotten the song right before they bust in.
    Alucard: Okay, screw it! Just take my phone and hit random!
    • Also, keep in mind that Alucard is busting in to meet the Queen, his old flame in the '40s... when he was a girl, for some reason.
• When the Major finally comes into focus on the mini-TV Schrödinger brought, Alucard completely loses it and doubles over laughing, because...
  Alucard: Hehehehahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HE'S STILL SO FUCKING FAT!!! HAH!!! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! HAHAHAHA! Wait, wait, no, no! Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • After Alucard finally manages to calm down and the Major continues unveiling his plan, Integra completely destroys his attempt to reveal what they already know:
    The Major: Now, I'm sure you're all chomping at ze bit to find out vat ve have in store for you, nein?
    Integra: (without skipping a beat) Nazi army.
    The Major: ...Wow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?
    Alucard: Yeah, ya Fun-Nazi.
    Integra: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!
  • Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
    Herr Doktor: Well, Major, I zink zat went well.
    Major: You zink it vent well? Herr Doktor, I vas there. And much like our former boss—
    (camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires)
    Major: I killed it!
• Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
  Maxwell: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.
  Anderson: Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.
  Maxwell: ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God!
  Anderson: Oh I see. So this... is a CRUSADE!
  Maxwell: No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it... ah... damn, what do the American cows say?
  Anderson: Peacekeeping?
  Maxwell: Right! Now, shall we keep the peace?
  Millennium Mooks: For Millennium! (Anderson kills them all)
  Anderson: Only until it's time to slide in the knife!
  

Episode 5: "Lay Back and Think of Oblivion"

• The opening starts with a doozy:
  British Man: Hey mate, what was the last thing you'd thought you'd see in the night sky?
  Other Man: Well, that's a deep question man, I—
  First Man: No, cuz it's blimps. (cue overshot of the Millennium fleet).
• When the Major has Herr Doktor lead the Pre-war seminar, he instructs the soldiers to open their WWIII Pamphlets to page 3 since the first two pages are just a foreword from Nicolas Cage of all people.
  • For that matter, the fact that they even have WWIII Pamphlets.
  • Taka and Kaiser finally explained the Nicolas Cage joke during their Twitch marathon of the series: "You pay enough, you get Nic Cage."
• The Nazis plan to destroy everything in London. Except the Holocaust Museum.
  The Major: Leave zat be. No one will deny vat ve did.
• The Nazi Vampire that wants to burn down London Bridge, just so that he can sing the song.
  The Major: (unamused) Ja, ja, London Bridge is Falling Down, ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it, I don't care.
  • Ends up as a brick joke later in the episode, as the heroes start Waxing Lyrical with the song.
    British Intelligence Agent: London Bridge is falling down!
    Penwood: Falling down?!
    British Intelligence Agent: Falling down!
    Penwood: London Bridge is falling down... My fair lady, what should we do!?
  • Later:
    Nazi Vampire: Hans! Nein! And he vas having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song! Everything!
• And the song playing during their invasion? The fittingly ironic "War", by Edwin Starr.
  • Even better is the Major lampshading how the army's choice is appropriate "for ironic reasons. The best reasons."
• Just how Blood Knight the vampire soldiers are. They are just so happy to be finally bringing the joys of fire and death to their enemies.
• Integra tells Sir Penwood to send a helicopter to pick up Alucard:
  Penwood: Can't he just fly with his vampire powers?
  Integra: What? N-No, he can't fly with his vampire powers!
• The Major gets Zorin's hopes up when he tells her to go to the Hellsing manor... to provide reconnaisance. She does not take this well.
  The Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin. I need you to bring it back for me. Take a deep breath. Contain ze calamity zat is your mammaries.
  Zorin: (Poorly Contained Nazi Rage)
  • He then elaborates as to why.
    The Major: Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing? Any woman who commands ze respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized about on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly. But not trifled vis!
    Zorin: But she is just VUN VOMAN!
    The Major: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Why? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature? Ze big titties? Maybe. Who knows? But I do not gamble vis maybes!
• While Integra and Walter are driving away from the command room.
  The Major: Sergeant Klaus, have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
  Klaus: Ja, Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
  The Major: Is it on fire?
  Klaus: ...It could be more on fire.
  • Sgt. Klaus is voiced by Malcolm Ray. Team Four Star couldn't pass up the irony of a black actor voicing a Nazi.
  • When Integra is driving the car for the first time, has to deal with a platoon of Nazi vampire soldiers firing rockets at her!
    (While narrowly dodging rockets)
    Integra: YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!
  • Made funnier when a Nazi vampire kindly asks her to pull over right before this.
    Random Nazi: THERE SHE IS! JOHANN! TELL HER TO PULL OVER!
    (as the Nazis run up Integra's car. Cut to Integra driving, listening to calm opera music before noticing Johann right next to her driver-side window.)
    Johann: Guten Abend, could you please pull over--? (hit by Integra's car) ACK!
    Random Nazi: Well, she declined. (pulls out rocket launcher) PANZERFAUST!
• Walter and Integra hear Sir Penwood's last stand.
  Integra: ...Walter.
  Walter: ...Yes, Sir Integra?
  Integra: Sir Penwood was a- (car runs over someone) SON OF A BITCH!
• Walter sending Integra on her own.
  Walter: You need to take the car and make your way to HQ on your own. I believe in you, ma'am.
  Integra: Walter... There's something I want you to know.
  Walter: There is no time for good-byes, Sir Integra.
  Integra: No, I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.
  Walter: Oh. Well... Perfect time to learn.
  • Never mind when she actually gets into the car.
    Integra: Okay...which one's the clu-(car suddenly starts and takes off down the road) OKAY, WE'RE DRIVING!
• After Integra comments how "It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year-old woman":
  Nazi 1: Zat's a woman?
  Nazi 2: She is 22?
• Right after Anderson's Dynamic Entry, the Nazi Mooks discuss his long list of aliases:
  Nazi Soldiers: God's Assassin... Saint Guillotine... Ze Angel's Dust... Judas Priest.
  Soldier A: Vait, like ze band?
  Soldier B: (in utter terror) ZEY WERE NAMED AFTER HIM!
• Anderson's Big Damn Heroes moment:
  Anderson: By Jove, you fuckin' header of a woman! Surrounded by fifty Nazi vampires, armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do?! You get out of your fuckin' car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell "Come at me, you Kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil! I'M THINKING ABOUT GROWIN' SOME FLOWERS MYSELF!
• Anderson is just the gift that keeps on giving in this episode. He follows that line with:
  Anderson: You know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinkin', so I acquired a couple of learned youngsters myself! Two of them, which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker: One's Japanese and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical? I just need me an Italian and I got myself an Axis of Righteousness! Yumi, say something in moon speak!
  Yumi: Hai.
  Anderson: Ha ha! And the German one's Heinkel, she shoots things, it's great!
  Heinkel: (gravely) Pop, pop, watchin' heathens drop.
• The Nazi Vampires criticize Anderson's use of his bayonets. He gives his own demonstration soon enough.
  Nazi Vampire: (mockingly) Ze Iscariots? We're not scared of you. Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet. It goes on ze gun, idiot!
  Anderson: Now if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariot to do yer job for ya and put these soulless bodies where they belong! In the ground, in case you didn't take-
  (Nazis charge, Anderson kills them both)
  Anderson: (casually, without missing a beat) In case you didn't take my meaning.
• The Iscariots' speech before the end of the episode is mostly awesome, but Anderson's final line before the end is perfect:
  Anderson: AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN'...FUN!!! (laughs madly as he slaughters several Nazi vampires) AHAHAAAAAAAAAMEN!
• Alucard's only line in The Stinger.
  Alucard: (sniffs) Something's burning...
  • Which Takahata101 later admitted was added solely so he could be credited as Alucard in every episode of the series.

Episode 6: "Jour de Colère"

• Anderson rejects the notion that he can run out of bayonets.
  Heinkel: That was the last one. Good thing, too: I was afraid you'd run out of bayonets.
  Anderson: Care to correct yourself?
  Heinkel: S-sorry sir! You have bayonets for days!
  Anderson: Bayonets for days.
• Integra realizing what Anderson is (after wondering why Anderson & co. went all Big Damn Heroes):
  Integra: Alucard would've left Maxwell to die... Probably after putting a bullet in his leg...
  Anderson: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that prat Maxwell when it suits me! And if I let the woman die, I'd've been none of the three!
  Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?
  Anderson: Aye!
  (Beat)
  Integra: Good God it's strange to see from the outside.
• Zorin's proper introduction:
  Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz. Ve are just outside the Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zis position as ve observe — !
  Zorin: No! All hands to battle stations!
  Captain: But...ma'am! Our orders — !
  Zorin: I have been waiting for zis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, and a target. I will NOT be cockblocked at ze point of entry by that LITTLE BLONDE TOAD! I, no, ve, will get vat ve have coming to us! Now Captain...LAUNCH THE V-1'S!
  Captain (sounding turned on): YES, MA'AM!
• Seras' backstory is this if not a Tear Jerker.
  Pip: So, ma chere, what was it like growing up in England?
  Seras: (flashback to her parents' murder and mother's rape) I grew up in Leeds. Nothing happened.
• Pip's grandfather when Pip is bullied for being from a family of mercenaries.
  Grandfather: Quoi! How are you not the coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it the son of the Butcher Jean-Paul? Perhaps this little piggy should find a grenade in his lunchbox and so when he opens it, it pulls the pin.
  Pip: Please do not kill my friends.
  Grandfather: Oh, mon cher petit fils... I'm not going to do it.
  Pip: (whimpering) Quoi?
  • When they cut back to the present.
    Seras: Oh my God.
    Pip: Oh, relax, it was a flashbang. A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone.
• If there's a word that describes Zorin, it's 'Loud'.
  Crewman: Ve're being shredded, Lieutenant!
  Zorin: TELL ME SOMEZHING NEW!
  Crewman: Vell, ve just lost two engines.
  Zorin: CUNT!
  Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking zis kind of damage! Ve're going to crash!
  Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed, captain... RIGHT INTO ZAT BITCH!
  Captain: Vhich bitch, Lieutenant...?
  Zorin: ZAT BITCH WITH THE CANNOOOONS!
• Landmines.
  Nazi: (Click) Huh. Landmines. Landmines!?
  Several Nazi Infantry, Over One Another: ...LANDMINES?! (BOOM!)
  Another Nazi Infantry: (after several of his colleagues got blown up by landmines) Holy shit, they planted landmines!!
  Pip: (casually) Oh, zey found ze landmines.
  Seras: Oh my god, they planted landmines?! (horrified) We walk our dogs out there...
  • One of the Nazis hit by a claymore charge goes out with a Wilhelm Scream.
• Pip explaining to Willingham why he's so relaxed:
  Willingham: No offense, sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual. But aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?
  Pip: Honestly, Willingham. We were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead, we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.
  Willingham: Still kinda crazy though, isn't it?
  Pip: No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in the Middle East that we would be fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on the mouth! But now... all I feel is robbed.
• When giant Zorin appears:
  Pip: Sainte putain de merde!
  Mercenary: What?!
  Seras: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
  Pip: What she said!^{In truth...}It actually is!
  Zorin: Peekaboo... I'LL KILL YOU!! (drops scythe on Hellsing Manor)
  Pip: I want to go back to the Middle East!
• When Seras and the others are attacked by what seems to be a giant Zorin Blitz.
  Seras: We're gonna die... to a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... that screaming homeless man on the train was right!
  Alucard: (derisive laughter) You're kidding me, right? This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant?!
  Seras: Master? Where—
  Alucard: On a boat in the middle of, uh... the fucking... I dunno, Atlantic? Ah, fuck it ...the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours.
  Seras: But Master, I only have two eyes...
  Alucard: No, you have three eyes. You're a vampire.
  Seras: Do... you have three eyes?
  Alucard: Sweetheart, I've got so many eyes. Eyes for days.
  Seras: Eyes for days...?
  Alucard: Eyes for days. Now... look past your own self...
  Seras: Uh... How—
  Alucard: (all kinds of exasperated) OH MY GOD. GO CROSS-EYED! JESUS!
  Seras: (goes cross-eyed with an incredibly derpy sounding moan)
  • Alucard also provides a Continuity Nod to Anderson's line at the start of the episode which also reminds us he's an Eldritch Abomination.
• Each of Bernadotte's mercenaries' last names are taken from those of the voice actors who portrayed them in the original show (Travis Willingham, Matthew Mercer, Doug Erholtz, Taliesin Jaffe, and Kyle Hebert.)
• One of the mercenaries' reaction to (seemingly) losing his arm (or rather lack thereof):
  Mercenary: (completely casual) Well, high-fives are gonna suck now.
  • Another mercenary is more concerned with getting crushed by Zorin's giant vagina.
    Mercenary: Okay, what does your internet history look like?!
• After Seras breaks Zorin's illusion.
  Seras: Mr. Bernadotte, it was just an illusion. Like push-up bras or stilettos.
  Pip: Wait... you wear a push-up bra?
  Seras: I... don't wear a bra.
  (beat)
  Mercenary: (to himself) Ohhhh, my god...
• Seras apparently has not quite mastered the art of the Pre-Mortem One-Liner.
  Pip: (Beat) ...Eat schnitzel in Hell?
  Seras: Oh, my apologies, what would you have said?
  Pip: Don't be so sour, kraut!
  (the mercenaries laugh)
  Erholtz: 99 Dead Balloons!
  (more laughter)
  Mercenary: Hasta auf weidersehen!
  (even more laughter)
  Seras: (laughing) You've been Autobahned!
  (silence)
  Seras: Like the— like...
  Pip: Let's get a move on.
  Seras: (sulkily) Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks.
• "This is a reach-around joke, innit?"
  Pip: Mon Dieu, I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen. If the British is good at anything, it's hunting. And you are hunting the most dangerous game of all.
  Seras: Nazi vampires.
  Pip: Damn it, that used to sound so cool! But then you say it so much and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid!
  Seras: Oh, right? Maybe we'll fight something else, like maybe a Nazi Werewolf?
  Pip: Merde, that sounds so much worse! (explosions are seen outside) Right... World War Trois. Ma chere! Like a high class escort, make them pay for every inch!
  Seras: (muttering) I can't believe I find you attractive...
  Pip: Pardon, quoi? (as she leaves) Wait, what?!
  Willingham: Uh, so, sir? What's the over-under on any of us finishing this mission alive?
  Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.
  Willingham: I don't know, those vampires do look kind of rapey.
  Hebert: Holy shit, dude!
  Willingham: OH, WHO THE FUCK AM I OFFENDING?! THE NAZIS?!
• The entire scene of Maxwell meeting his new army. It starts with the overly long name of the Italian forces and their leader and keeps going from there.
  • America is feeling the crisis as well^{For reference…}This episode came out in January of 2016, during a rise of… certain rhetoric in the United States:
    Informant: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding.
    Maxwell: So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well.
    Informant: No, actually.
    (long Beat)
    Maxwell: Okay...
  • "I bring the Mexican Inquisition!"
    Maxwell: I did not expect you.
    Inquisitor: No one ever does!
  • Maxwell doesn't think the group from Poland is even Catholic (the leader has a Star of David on his cloak).
    Sacred Order Member: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the Sacred Order of the Temple Beth Zion.^note (Throughout his introduction, Hava Nageila is playing)
    Maxwell: Oh. I've... not heard of your order. You're... sure you're Catholic?
    Sacred Order Member: Eh, of course!
    Maxwell: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?
    Sacred Order Member: Hey, if we're killing Nazis, we'll worship a side of bacon!
    • Another hint of this group's true allegiance comes during Maxwell's Motive Rant, when the Polish leader tries to cut in arguing that Jesus isn't actually the Son of God. Also, he loses his accent here.
    • This exchange becomes doubly hilarious when Episode #8 reveals that the Temple Beth Zion aren't there to back up Iscariot at all, and are actually there to steal a chunk of the organizations helicopters and weapons as a way of getting back at them for, among other things, the Rhineland Massacres.
  • From Canada comes... Abbot Puiser and the Crusaders of the Salvation Army.
    Abbot Puiser: Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!
    Maxwell: Nazis.
    Abbot Puiser: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?
  • And finally, the KKK (whose leader has the same voice and Southern accent as Android 13), who even Maxwell has trouble accepting into his ranks.
    Jed: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. Some of my best friends are Neo-Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...
    Maxwell: (clearly uncomfortable) Mi scusi... And you are—
    Jed: Jed Forrest from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300-and-change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hanging Noose!
    Maxwell: Wowalrightokay. Thank you for... swinging by... Oh, God—
    Jed: No worries. Hey, I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, cuz Jim brought more in his truck.
    Maxwell: That's, uh, really not necessary—
    Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck?
    Jim: (from offscreen) 'Bout a few!
    Jed: 'Bout a few.
    Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade...
  • Enrico Maxwell, everyone: wants to launch a Holy War and install himself as Pope, draws the line at belligerent racism.
    Maxwell: And after we have finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE. WILL—
    Jed: Round up all those dirty ni—
    Maxwell: (highly pissed off) OKAY, YOU NEED TO CHILL!!
  • "Fuck, bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' SEX."
  • The fact that one of the images of Jesus shown during Maxwell's Rousing Speech/rant against Pope Francis is the botched restoration of Elias Garcia Martinez's Ecce Homo mural.

Episode 7: "A Scythe For Sore Eyes"

• "It's a matter of perspective, really…"
• A soldier asking his friend if they're bad people... as he's eating a mercenary. They agree that boat probably sailed around the time they became Nazis.
• Seras being frustrated with her one-liners.
  Seras: Goddammit, what's the point of coming up with all these one-liners if no one's around to hear them?!
  Nazi Grunt: (From the floor below) To be fair, it vasn't really that funny to begin with!
  (Having just given away his position, Seras kills him)
  Seras: It's a matter of perspective, really.
• Miller discussing his situation over the radio.
  Miller: Ever been fisted up to the elbow before?
  Pip: Jaffe, I could use your expert advice.
  Jaffe: Hey, fuck you man!
  Pip: READ ZE ROOM!
• Miller's Last Stand is a lot more reluctantly undertaken in this dub:
  Miller: Sir, I'm not gonna lie to you. We're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm running out of bullets.
  Pip: Miller... it was an honor serving with you.
  Miller: ...What the fuck?!
  Pip: What?
  Miller: What's that cheap shit?! You're not gonna tell me to fall back or fight through?
  Pip: Well... I-I mean, can you?
  Miller: Of fucking COURSE not!
  Pip: Well, zen why ze fuck would I say it?!
  Miller: It's a cliché, dammit! And a good goddamn one at that!
  Pip: Fine, fine, whatever, okay, sure. [clears throat] Don't you fucking give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it—
  Miller: No, no, it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous.
  Pip: It was always going to be disingenuous!
  Miller: Well, so is what's coming next!
  Pip: [utterly unenthusiastic tone] Wait, no, Miller, choose life...
• When Zorin traps Miller in an illusion, a little girl appears claiming to be his daughter... only for Miller to point out that it is simply impossible for him to have one of those, as he had a vasectomy right after high school. The girl then hastly backspaces and tells him that she's his niece, to which he responds that it is just as as impossible, as he was born an only child. Then the girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot-long erection. Only then does Miller break down into tears of joy and embrace the illusion.
  Sonic: I've been waiting for you, Miller...
  • Afterwards:
    Zorin: Real quick, does anyone vant to explain vat we just vitnessed?
    Nazi Vampire: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.
    Zorin: Okay, but vhy did it have a foot-long erection?
    Nazi Vampire: The fanbase is... diverse.
    Zorin: You mean fucking veird.
    Nazi Vampire: It's a matter of perspective, really.
• When Seras kills all the vampires in the "Human Resources" department, she muses how they never did anything about all the sexual harassment, before adding that Alucard wasn't even the worst offender on that front. So who was? Cue flashback:
  Integra: Hello~o... Police Girl...
  Seras: ...Sir?
  • As Zorin is probing her mind, she ends up on an exaggerated scene of Integra feeding Seras blood..
    Closed Captioning: Co-Captioners Note: What the fuck.
    Zorin: This... needs... context. Let's keep moving.
• When Pip is holding out in the room with the reminder of the Wild/Flying Geese, he has this to say:
  Pip: (on the subject of the terrible shape the men are in) Hopefully those assholes are out of rockets.
  Nazi Soldier: Ma'am. Ve have an abundance of rockets. Shall ve bombard zem?
  • Zorin's response:
    Zorin: Oh, nein. I vant to see how zis... Panzers out?
    Nazi Soldier: ...Oooooooh!
    Zorin: Oh?
    Nazi Soldier: Oooooooooh! Hohohoho! And zey say ve Germans can't be funny.
• The flashbacks to Seras' time in the orphanage. It's, uh... well, she's certainly her master's apprentice.
  Man: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a pencil!?
  Young Seras: I'll stab your mother in the cunt!
  Man: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behaviour?
  Young Seras: I don't want to be adopted, I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!
• Willingham's last words being to tell Pip he sucks at picking their contracts.
• Somehow they manage to make Seras' flashback to her horrific childhood hilarious by making the guys (captions reveal their names to be Sigmund and Freud) that killed her family polite and cheerful Punch-Clock Villains.
  Sigmund: Now look what you've gone and done. You've skipped the process!
  Freud: What process?
  Sigmund: The standard process of breakin' and enterin'. You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife. You've gone and shot the husband and then shot the wife.
  Freud: Don't mean nothin'.
  Sigmund: 'course it does. Now we can't rape her!
  Freud: I beg to differ. Body's still warm.
  Sigmund: C'mon now, mate. Gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' and rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far.
  Freud: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't you perform a 5-point room scan? (Seras rushes out and stabs him in the eye) ARGH! BUGGER ALL!
  Sigmund: Right! (shoots Seras in the gut) My fault. I'll take responsibility for that one. That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan.
  Freud: Yeah alright... you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'.
  Sigmund: (cheery) Steady on!
  • The use of the theme from Are You Being Served? as background music for the scene aided the humor.
• "Hey, God? Are you there? It's me, Tony. If only one of us makes it out alive, please let it be me!"
  • "Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!"
    • "I zink I'm going to fire zis vone at Tony." Too bad his panzerfaust jams. How embarrassing.
• Mood Whiplash as the subtitles comment on Seras getting her eyes sliced by Zorin's scythe with *JESUS, more agonized screaming!*
  • More Mood Whiplash considering it happens right after Pip is fatally wounded.
    Jaffe: Holy shit, CAPTAIN! THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!
    Merc: Jaffe, why the fuck do I have to die with you?
• The fact that after Seras becomes a "real fucking vampire" her accent gets stronger and she starts talking more like Alucard.
• Looks like shooting Schrödinger wasn't the first time he accidentally'd a war.^note Technically, due to the relationship between the wars, this means he is responsible for World War II by extension as well, and through that Millennium itself.
  Alucard: Oh, so this is my fault then.
  Seras: Wha—? N-no—
  Alucard: Everything is my fault, apparently. Ate the last spotted dick pudding in the fridge? My fault. Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault. Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Ohhhh MY FAULT.
• Zorin's absolutely glorious Villainous Breakdown during Seras' rampage.
  Zorin: She's like a fucking blender, turning my men into paste! A German Bloody Mary! Vhy didn't ve know about zis? Vhy didn't anyone do proper reconnaissance? ...Oh^note realizing it was her job to provide that very reconnaissance—(Seras grabs Zorin by the forehead)—fick mich.
• Another mercenary's name is revealed: Jaffe. Neither Pip nor any of the other mercs like Jaffe.
• The Leaning on the Fourth Wall segment with Jaffe admitting that he misses Alucard, that things were funnier when he was around, and that the Flying Geese suck.
  Mercenary: We're doing pretty okay without him. It's our time to shine, y'know?
  Jaffe: Dude! Let's face it: we fucking suck and no one likes us!
• An injured Pip is not happy that the two surviving Wild Geese tell him to pick up Seras.
  Jaffe: Captain, let's move!
  Merc: Grab the girl and go!
  Pip: Sure, leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the gut wound. (In French) I am girt by idiots.
  Seras: A-after the arm, I think it's about 105.
  Pip: And the blood loss. Something I could use a lot less of right now.
• After Seras comes in for the rescue, a dying Nazi shouts where he's been shot. He almost sounds like The Angry Video Game Nerd when emphasizing on the word ass.
  Dying Nazi: Oh God, they shot me in the AAAAASS!

Episode 8: "Deus Ex Anderson"

• Maxwell's opening speech to the people of London is almost heartwarming... and then we're reminded what kind of person Maxwell is.
  Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians, we've come to save you —
  Citizen: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
  Mawell: (sneering) — FROM YOURSELVES!
  The Same Citizen: (resigned) Oh no, it's the Catholic Church...
• Maxwell plunges headlong into Crazytown, and there's a bit of quibbling among Anderson's group:
  Maxwell: (over loudspeaker) YES! CLEANSE THE EARTH OF THESE SINNERS! MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY! FOR I! HAVE! NONE!
  Integra: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little... You should probably have a talk with him.
  Heinkel: He... he's just under a lot of pressure!
  Maxwell: (over loudspeaker) YOU DO NOT DESERVE GOD'S MERCY! IF HE WILL NOT TURN YOU TO THE AFTERLIFE, THEN I WILL!
  Heinkel: I mean, words only have as much meaning as ve give zem.
  Maxwell: (over loudspeaker) SINNERS WILL BE ALLOWED NO QUARTER! KILL THEM ALL! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!
  Integra: (practically dripping with sarcasm) You're right; a lot open to interpretation there...
  Heinkel: Perhaps one of us should have a talk wis him...
  Maxwell: (over loudspeaker) I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!
  Anderson: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.
  • Integra goes full troll:
    Integra: Oh, I have an idea!
    Anderson: (Warningly) Womaaaan...
    Integra: Why not write down a formal protest?
    Anderson: Don't you daaaaaare...
    Integra: You can nail it to his dooooor~!
    Anderson: Don't you fuckin' daaaaare!
    Integra: Like a Protestant! (Every Iscariot member draws their guns and points them at Integra for the "insult")
  • And when Seras shows up to protect Integra, Anderson taunts her about how their last encounter went.
    Seras: Why don't you try stickin' it in me again? I might like it this time.
    Heinkel: Father Anderson!
    Anderson: Context, Heinkel!
• Seras explains the previous events at Hellsing Manor in four terse sentences:
  Seras: Place is secure. Everyone's dead. Ate Pip. Full fledged vampire now.
  • Also Anderson calling Alucard Seras' Blood Sugar-Daddy.
• Crossing over into being awesome, Alucard entering into battle... with Andrew W. K's "Ready to Die" playing in the background, except it's coming from the ship itself, with various cuts that show it can be heard at differing volumes and sides in London. No one does anything during his minute long entrance, either in confusion or the fact that Alucard's coming. The only one who doesn't looked shocked is Integra, who closes her eyes in a resigned expression that says "Of course he's doing that"; or alternatively, as if she's basking in the fact that now everyone gets to experience what she has to put up with.
• The fact that Alucard still doesn't know the Captain's name, which in turn causes this "conversation" to occur:
  Alucard: Anderson! It's been only been two days but it feels like years! Aaand you! Um. How are... I wanna say Logan? Andersonwhat'sthisguy'sname?
  The Captain: (annoyed growl)
  Alucard: Oh! Better watch out for "RHRMRM!"
• Afterwards, Integra shouts to him and he replies with an exasperated "Whaaaaaaaat!?"
  • Integra's first attempt to order Release Level Zero uses the formal wording, only to be interrupted by a loud hick.
    Integra: Fuck it, dropping the formalities. Alucard! Go for a walk.
  • Said hick starting off a ramble of his title before Alucard silences him.
    Alucard: Shh-shh-shh-shhhhhh! Do you hear that?
    Jed Forest: Do ah hear wha- (Alucard shoots him in the head)
    Alucard: Hm. Must have just been the wind.
  • And during Alucard's "Walk", Integra expressing mixed feelings to herself over how he's actually following her orders without any sass.
    Integra: It's simultaneously satisfying... and disappointing.
• The longer the episode goes on, the more Millennium's and Maxwell's forces get the Alucard Treatment. Among the few survivors are the Sacred Order of the Temple Beth Zion, who only joined the battle in the first place to screw over the Catholic Church by stealing their weapons and helicopters.
  Maxwell: Send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!
  (a wave of bodies crests over the streets of London, overwhelming their forces)
  Don Diego de la Vega: They expected us! They expected all of us! ¡DIOS MÍO, NO! [MY GOD, NO!]
  Maxwell: (starting to panic) Send in the Salvation Army!
  (a literal wave of bodies sweeps over them)
  Abbot Puiser: (firing wildly) Holy fuck, bro! This is what we get for sticking our necks out?
  (Puiser is impaled through the neck on lances and carried off)
  Maxwell: (really panicking) Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!
  Random paladin: THEY FUCKED OFF BEFORE THE BATTLE EVEN STARTED!
  Bartłomiej Jeleniak: (as his forces fly off in stolen helicopters) Seriously, I can't believe they actually thought we were going to help them!
  (soldiers start laughing)
  Zion Soldier: (flipping Maxwell off) That's for the Rhineland Massacres, ya schmuck!
  Maxwell: JEEEEEEEEEEWS!
  • If you listen closely to the Zion Soldiers laughter you might notice the Scout and Sniper are part of their group.
    • If Maxwell's screaming of the word "JEEEEWS!!!" invokes the thought of screaming "ROBOT HOOOUSE!!!" it's because that's the exact direction Takahata gave General-Ivan in the booth, complete with telling him to angrily shake his fist.
  • Another one spared this fate is the KKK knight who managed to piss off Maxwell. Not because he was smart and fled or Alucard decided to show mercy, but because Alucard got tired of his crap and shot him mid-introduction.
    Alucard: Shshsh. Do you hear that?
    Jed: Do I hear wha- (eyes cross to look at his new bullethole)
    Alucard: Hm, must have just been the wind.
  • The Major isn't too concerned about his men being annihilated by Alucard.
    Doktor: Also, I believe our forces are being (chuckles) quite literally slaughtered.
    Major: Ha! Who gives a shit? Zey're Nazis!
• The Major and Herr Doktor amuse themselves over the fact that Maxwell apparently never realized just who they were actually up against.
  Major: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane vay, isn't it?
  Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO...!
  Doktor: What is, Herr Major?
  Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
  Major: Zat none of zese vhaffle-munchers ever put it together zat "Alucard" backvards is—
  Maxwell: DRACULAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  Doktor: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure zat out?
  Major: A fair point. But, ve were very busy planning Vorld Var ♪III~♪!
  • Which gets mentioned later:
    Dracula: You do know it's just my name spelled—
    Anderson: Of course I do! Shut up and bring him out!
• Just the fact that, according to the subtitles, Maxwell referred to himself as the Neo-Pope.
• While Maxwell's death isn't very funny at all, the lead-up to it is. Maxwell is protected from Alucard's zombies by his Holy Popebox, and brags that nothing can break it but the will of God Himself. Cue him being interrupted mid-sentence by a thrown bayonet of Anderson's, which smashes the box.
  Maxwell: ANDERSON! ¿¡POR QUÉ?! [WHY?!]
  Anderson: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic, and the false god.
  Maxwell: (voiceless panic)
  Anderson: Also, you're a daft cunt!
  • Doubly funny when you think of it as Anderson nailing a formal protest to Maxwell's door, just as Integra suggested.
  • After telling the Iscariots about Maxwell's death, Anderson says what is probably one of the smartest lines anybody has ever had.
    Anderson: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day.
  • Maxwell's death also has Fun with Subtitles
    Maxwell: Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want! The only thing that could pierce my Holy Pope Box, is the will of God Himse—
    SFX: *The will of God himself*
• Integra elaborates on how Alucard had absorbed so many souls - after having grown bored of wanton slaughter, he started just hanging around battlefields and letting people slaughter each other and cleaning up after.
  Integra: He calls it his... ugh, #LifeHack.
  Seras: (sigh) He would.
  • Then they go greet him in his Dracula form. He's surprisingly more polite and stoic than regular ol' Alucard. But...
    Dracula: Please, just call me Drac.
    Integra: ...I don't think I'm going to do that.
    Dracula: As you wish.
• Seras, while still in her One-Winged Angel mode, gets a pat on the head from Dracula and is so ecstatic that she lets out a rapid fire giggle that sounds like the chittering of a squirrel.
• When Anderson formally challenges Dracula, he gripes that he wants to face Alucard instead, because he's the one he'd built up his rivalry with. True to form...
  Alucard: Hey there padre, how's little Timmy? Y'know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Did you miss me?
  Anderson: Like coke after Lent!
  Alucard: ...Wait, are we talking cola, or cocai—(they start fighting)
• Among the souls captured and enthralled to him are Alhambra and Rip Van Winkle.
  Alucard: Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ...Associates? ...slaves. I br—I brought slaves.
  • And then Alucard goes Combat Commentator as Anderson starts killing his way through his familiars:
    Alucard: The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races folks! He swings to the left! He SWINGS to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen!
    [Anderson skewers multiple familiars with bayonets on a chain and sets off the explosives in them]
    Alucard: And what's this? Oh, it's a regular old bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600 pounds? It's BIIIIIIIIIIG BARRY!
    [Big Barry catches Anderson's blade with his mouth]
    Alucard: Better watch out! He's got no gag reflex! [Barry grabs Anderon's arm] And he's a hugger! [Alucard's horsemen appear and rush Anderson] But wait, there's MORE!
• Alucard takes an instant shine to Heinkel after she gives Anderson some lip.
  Heinkel: Ve don't have to follow orders vhen our leader's acting like a daft cunt!
  Anderson: ...That's the only time you get to call me any kind of cunt.
  Alucard: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!
  • When Yumie kills Big Barry, she delivers a Tokyo TV-style promotional for the Iscariot Order.
• The Iscariot members start rushing Alucard's forces, with them all apparently doing Airplane Arms while they run. Alucard promptly asks them "Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?"
  • He's similarly bemused when he sees some of them are detonating their vests, essentially making them ninja Catholic suicide-bombers - all of whom shout "God is great!"
    Alucard: Ninja Catholic sucide bombers! What a fun day! [More Iscariot troops detonate their vests] Is it racist to say it sounds better in Arabic?
• Alucard reveals his last words.
  Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink before they wake up in an hour.
• When Anderson pulls out Helena's Nail, it incurs a massive Oh, Crap!... from his own forces.
  Heinkel: Isn't that one of ze nails zat pierced Christ's body?!
  Yumie: Hai. (Yup.)
  Heinkel: From ze "Don't Fuck Wis Zis" Armory?!
  Yumie: Haai. (Yuup.)
  Heinkel: Where they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea Scrolls, and ze actual body of Christ?!
  Yumie: Haaaai. (YuuuP.)
• Anderson taunts Alucard about talking to God. When Anderson goes One-Winged Angel thanks to Helena's nail, driving a bayonet through his skull and having tendrils made of scriptures pouring out of him, Alucard is awfully blase about it.
  Alucard: Ugh... shit, this hurts! This is a deep pain...(holy fire erupts around him and he starts sounding excited) Oh, cool, it gets worse!
  (the screen goes white)
  God: Vlad Tepes of Wallachia... Son of the Dragon... The Impaler...
  Alucard: OHHH, FUCK ME, HE WASN'T KIDDING!!!
• The entire conversation between Alucard, God, and Satan, who turns out to be a pretty nice dude.
  God: What is the source of your anger, child?
  Alucard: Fuck you, you're omniscient, you already know.
  God: Yes. I want you to say it. (Alucard glares silently) Hm... was it the ten years of ra—
  Alucard: IT WAS THE TEN YEARS OF RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask you something, "Yahweh", which set of prints were yours in the sand: the hand prints, the knee prints, or the footprints behind those?!
  God: I have a plan for everyone.
  Alucard: And what's the plan for the starving children in, oh I don't know, name an African country? Is it for them to die? Because if so, killer plan!
  • What music is playing when Satan joins the conversation? The Cuphead theme.
  • The Hound of Baskerville's origin is revealed:
    Satan: Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?
    Alucard: NO! THEY'RE MINE NOW!
• Crosses over with Tearjerker a bit, but as he's dying, Anderson finally admits that Alucard was right about something.
  Anderson: Times like this... I'm reminded one of my favorite verses... "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed, For in the image of God, made He man."^note Genesis 9:6
  Alucard: What chapter is that verse from?
  Anderson: Boondock Saints. (Chuckles) My favorite movie.
  Alucard: (laughs sadly) Fucking called it.
  • The "You stole my heart" line, after Alucard killed Anderson by literally pulling it out of his body and crushing it.
    Anderson: It looks like you've got what you've always wanted, Alucard.
    Alucard: I didn't want this.
    Anderson: You stole my heart.
    Alucard: (through tears) Fuck — fuckin' — come on, man.
• In a Black Comedy way, there's Walter's Diabolus ex Machina when he suddenly shows up, kills Anderson mid-sentence, and then snarks about it.
  Anderson: As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world, I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?
  Alucard: Of course... my friend.
  Anderson: I — (Walter stomps on his head, crushing him)
  Walter: — said three Hail Mary's, ate my vitamins, fucked off, and died. Amen.

Episode 9: "Abridged Over Troubled Walter"

• The opening of the Episode, where Integra begs for her father to not die after an assassination attempt that involved his afternoon brandy. What bittersweet fortune that his brother, Richard Traitoro Hellsing was spared the same fate.
  Integra: Father...I don't want to say goodbye.
  Arthur: Well, that's quite selfish, Integra. I'm dying.
  Richard: It truly is a tragedy! I cannot believe someone would poison our afternoon brandy! What bittersweet fortune that I was somehow spared!
  • Arthur then proceeds to bestow the reins of the Hellsing Organization to his most trusted family member, Integra, much to Richard's dismay.
    Arthur: Integra...you must stand taller than us now, and lead the men and women of the Hellsing Organization.
    Richard: (incredulously) Whaaaaat?! T-that's uh, t-t-that's great! YAY!
  • When he tells Integra to find Alucard's cell in the basement if she needs help, Integra comments that Walter doesn't live in the basement, he lives under the stairs. The camera quickly cuts to Walter, who emits a long-suffering sigh.
  • His last words, after coughing up blood, are to complain about said blood ruining his favorite pillow.
  • Richard gets rid of Walter by letting him know he has vacation days. And later when Integra comments that he can't save her because he's in Brazil.
  • When they first break into the vault containing Alucard, Richard first mistakes him for a starved gimp due to his outfit. Integra later calls him her "father's gimp vampire boyfriend."
    • What's funnier is... how do we know that it's not what happened? Alucard himself did imply that his relationship with Richard was sexual too and it's not mentioned if his imprisonment isn't the same as how it went down in canon.
  • There was also Integra's first reaction on seeing Alucard's body... pointing out her father's hypocrisy on the matter.
    Integra: Oh, goddamn it Dad, he's dead! "Oh Integra, you can't have a puppy, that's too much responsibility!"
  • Not to mention Integra busting into Alucard's room in the manor's dungeons, but instead of a straight-up room...
    Integra: (as she's falling down the long staircase) OH GOD, THERE'S SO MANY STAIRS!
  • Pretty much all of Richard's lines are hilarious, simply because 1) it's Grant Smith being an absolute ham on the mic, and 2) he's using a high-pitched campy voice that's similar to Abridged Garlic Jr. Lani during the marathon commentary stream notes this is the voice he thinks of when they're playing Among Us and Grant is the Imposter.
• As Yumi is about to kill Walter (even quoting the famous You Are Already Dead line from Fist of the North Star) Walter says (in perfect Japanese, no less) "I know you are, but what am I?" before absolutely destroying her.
  • After this Heinkel calls out Yumi's name, only to be interrupted by The Captain before she can do anything... and she points out how the carbine length barrels look utterly stupid on his pistols.
    Heinkel: [Beat] Your gun looks ridicul— [Shot through the mouth] (thinking) FUCK! Right in the fucking mouth?! How will I eat schwäbischer zwiebelkuchen^Translationonion and bacon pie? And drink weihenstephaner hefe weissbier? (German Beer Brand) And sing "Halt dich an deiner Liebe fest"^Translation"Hold on To Your Love" by German singer Rio Reiser?!
  • Immediately afterwards, The Captain tosses Heinkel a pack of medical supplies, with the implication that after blowing in her mouth he's telling her to clean herself up before abruptly leaving
    Heinkel: AT LEAST PAY MY CAB FARE YOU MUTE SHITHEEL!!!!!
  • Iscariot soldiers arrive and have to break some bad news:
    Guy 1: Ma'am! Are you alright?—
    Heinkel: I'm fine! How is Yumi? Can we save her?
    Guy 1: Like... in tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any.
  • The Iscariot soldiers are perplexed when Heinkel reveals that both she and Yumi were a lesbian couple.
    Guy 1: Were you two... lesbi—
    Heinkel: The Bible says a man should not lay with another man as he would a woman.
    Guy 2: Ohh, I get it.
    Guy 1: Yeah! that makes sense!
    Guy 3: Wait... so it's... kosher as long as I'm not fuckin' a dude in the vagina?
• The one and only time Alucard tries to be reasonable.
  Alucard: Now, now... before we start throwing around words like "betrayal" or "cucked", let's give Walter a chance to explain himself!
  Walter: I'm betraying you.
  Alucard: OH YOU CUCK!
  Seras: Is [Alucard] just using words he learned on social media again?
• Integra's order regarding Walter, given after a magnificent "I need to hear this!" Call-Back from Alucard:
  Integra: FUCK HIM IN THE VAGINA!
  Alucard: (Evil Laugh) Alright! But I'm gonna have to make one.
• The Major decides to make his presence felt by parking his zeppelin right in the battle zone... invoking a certain grumpy half-Saiyan as he does:
  The Major: (over loudspeaker) Hold on a moment, ze frauleins might vant to take a step back... you're in ze splash zone!
  Alucard: Yeah, I'm getting balls like a smurf here!!
• When Alucard tells Seras to go with Integra onto the Millenium airship:
  Alucard: Go with Mommy, Seras. Daddy's got work to do.
  Seras: ...am I your child in this scenario?
  Alucard: Seras, our group relationship can best be summarized as "Tags on Pornhub". Now go.
  Seras: Fine, dad.
  • As she does, Seras gives her goodbyes to Walter:
    Seras: And to you, Walter C. Dornez... thank you for the cannon.
    Walter: And thank you for your service, Seras Victoria.
    Seras: You're still a right bellend, though.
• When they start to board the ship:
  Schrodinger: Everyone aboard the S.S. Schutzstaffel! Or as we like to call it, the S.S. SS—
  (Integra shoots him in the head without looking or acknowledging his presence)
• The battle begins with Alucard and Walter leaping at each other, Alucard reaching for Walter... and getting his arm shredded.
  Alucard: Okay, at least make a joke about getting a HANDYYYYYYYYY~ (while being tossed through a building) I feel like we're not on the same wavelength!
  Walter: Hmm. Not inaccurate.
• During their battle, Alucard conjures up his hellhound:
  Alucard: HEY! EVER HEARD OF UPDOG?!
  Walter: (slices hellhound in half with near zero effort) Not much. How about you?
  Alucard: First you kill my dog and then you ANTI MY FUCKING JOKE!? (Jackal explodes courtesy of Walter before Alucard can pull the trigger) AGH! FUCK!!
  Walter: Wire you getting so upset?
  Alucard: Okay! I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but'cha powers are bullshit!
• During the battle, Luke Valentine of all people emerges from the remains of Alucard's now-shredded hellhound, much to the Major's surprise. When they spot him, the Major and the Doktor react more like they're trying to figure out the name of an actor they barely remember in a movie.
  The Major: Hold on, is zat... oh, I know it, I know it... didn't we send him on a mission?
  Herr Doktor: Hmm. Zat's one of the Valentines.
  The Major: Ah, ze funny one who swore a lot!
  Doktor: Aye, nein, zat was his bruder.
  Luke Valentine: I... I'm alive? Seems like things are "Luke-ing" up for this Valenti-
  (screams as Walter painfully strings him up like a puppet)
  The Major: Ah, it vas Luke!
  Doktor: (remembering as well) Ahh...
• Later, Walter uses his wires to string up Luke and turn Alucard's own hellhound against him. After getting caught in its jaws he cocks his gun with his teeth before taking aim.
  Alucard: (In a southern drawl) NO MAMA! HE WAS MY DOG! I'LL DO IT!
  (He then shoots his way free and puts it down for good)
• Once the dog has been put down, Walter prepares to do a Motive Rant, which Alucard completely obliterates with one question.
  Walter: I'm sure you're wondering why I went through all of this... Why I abandoned my home and duty, just to kill you.
  Alucard: Oh, because you want to fuck me.
  (beat)
  (Walter then proceeds to rip Alucard to shreds with his wires without giving a response)
• The Major's epic Motive Rant about the Nazis finally getting the chance to die on the field of battle, immortalized forever in glory, ultimately culminates in a glory hole joke. This, of all times, is the moment that Pip decides to make his presence known to Seras.
  Integra: And there it is.
  Pip: Hey, I'd give it an eight out of ten.
• When Integra and Seras are confronted by the Captain, Integra takes a cigar out of her pocket and calmly tells Seras to take care of him while she will move on and try to find and kill the Major. But before she can take another step, the Captain grunts and points... to a "No Smoking" sign (in German). And Integra has enough British politeness left in her to put her cigar away, though she angrily complains that they're "Nazis about everything"^note Hitler spearheaded the world's very first anti-smoking legislation, making this a very nice Historical In-Joke.
  • On a related note, there's the reason the "No Smoking" sign exists: to prevent fire hazards. The Captain's concern would have been understandable if it weren't for the fact that, you know, the entire zeppelin was already engulfed in flames.
• Seras's reaction upon The Reveal about the Captain:
  Seras: Fuck me jogging... He's a NAZI FUCKING WEREWOLF?!?! (thrashing ensues) Pip was right... this... this was so much worse...
• After the Captain hits Seras through a wall, and she rips a warhead out of a silo to throw at him.
  Pip: Holy shit! it's almost as big as my love for you~.
  Seras: You mean your erection?
  Pip: Zat is what I call it, oui.
• The Captain's one and only speaking line throughout the entire series? Joyfully squealing like a little girl as he dies.
• Seras criticizing Pip's Pre-Mortem One-Liner while her "wing" hovers around her bosom.
  Seras: "Huff and puff and blow-" that's the best you had?
  Pip: I had Little Red Riding Hood, but then you said yours!
  Seras: Good! Yours was probably gross anyways. Also, get out of me boob!
  Pip: But zere's so much space in here!
• The first thing Alucard says in his female form, after Walter stabs his Luke decoy.
  Alucard: After all these years, you finally get to stick it in me... and you put it in the wrong hole.
• Young Walter’s Embarrassing Nickname: Jolly Wally.
  Walter: Fuck you, that nickname was never clever!
  Alucard: Aww, Jolly Wally doesn't like his nickname! Jolly Wally's being a sad lad.
  Walter: Fuck!
• The entire closing segment between Young Walter and Alucard.
  Alucard: Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: (high-pitched female voice) "Ah, Walter-san, daisuki desu!" ^*Translation: "I love you, Walter!" (back to normal male voice) (laughs) You know, I mean, unironically.
  Walter: Cut it out!
  Alucard: That's right, it's a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass! Am I... moe enough for you?
  Walter: Why can't you take this seriously!?
  Alucard: Because that's what you want and I'm not going give it to you! That or my pussy, but really, you're dodging a bullet there. Rows of teeth.
  Walter: For the love of—
  Alucard: Like a shark!
  Walter: Argh!
• As it happens, the entire final battle between Alucard and Walter... Or rather how Alucard does not once treat the occasion with any sort of respect or dignity. From how Episode 8 ended with Alucard shrieking Walter's name in fury at disrespecting Anderson's memory, you'd expect Al to drop the silliness and unleash the fuckmothering fury. And then this episode hits and its largely if not purely Bathos all the way through since Alucard spends more time goofing about than he does beating Walter's skull in. Walter for his part counters a lot of Alucard's trolling, but by the end he's whining that Alucard's just not taking this seriously at all. Kinda reminds you of how Allie treated Luke Valentine way back when, doesn't it?
• The Canada subtitles compare the sound of the Major's zeppelin landing with Optimus Prime masturbating.

Episode 10: "The Party's Over"

• "Look at me, Walter! I'm sucking everyone but you!"
  • Alucard brings his female voice back when Walter vertically bisects him, as inappropriately as only Alucard can, of course.
    Alucard: (high-pitched female voice) Yamero, Walter! You're splitting me in two!
    (reassembles himself)
    Alucard: (low-pitched female voice and regular male voice) Now do it another three million times, why don't you!
• "And before you ask... (strikes a pose) YES!!! THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!!!"
  • The outtakes version in the credits:
    Walter: Part 1 was the best. ^note Part 1 took place in Victorian Era England and had a largely British cast.
    Alucard: Aw, you would say that, you fucking Brit.
    The Major: I prefer Part 2. ^note Which took place right before WWII and featured the Wehrmacht, up to and including a German cyborg, as the heroes' allies.
• The Major and Integra finally meet face to face and he's trying a speech to her. Too bad she's not interested.
  The Major: Ah, willkommen, said ze spider to ze fly. Although I'd say you're more of a hornet— (Integra takes her pistol and empties the clip at him, but he's protected by bulletproof glass) And unlike its modest brother, ze bee, ze hornet does not die after it has stung— (Integra shoots at him again) It guards its nest with the ferocity and tenacity of a— (Integra interrupts and he has to finish while she's shooting) OF A MOTHER WHO IS PROTECTING HER CHILD!
  Integra: (having run out of ammo, she grabs her sword and stabs the glass, only for it to break)
  The Major: Okay, if ze bullets veren't going to verk, zen vhy would ze sword?
• Herr Doktor's death in this version as he laments his lost research and frustration over having to start again from scratch. Unlike canon it's not Walter who kills him.
  Herr Doktor: I can't stay in England or Germany! I know! I'll go to Russia! They let you get away with anything there! ...as long as it's not too gay... (distant explosion) What was that? (Beat) Ah... Probably noth- (Herr Doktor gets obliterated by Seras' cannon bombardment of the Major piercing the entire Zeppelin)
  • Moments before when Seras levels the artillery cannon at The Major, rather than do the logical thing like freak out, he makes it clear that even he knows the running gag is true and essentially tells her to bring it the fuck on.
    The Major: Now ZAT is vat I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH!! SHOW ME VAT YOU LOVE!!!
    • During the series marathon and commentary stream, Lanipator admitted, "I was pelvic thrusting for that line in the recording booth."
• The conversation about Millenium's and Hellsing's respective supernatural beasts:
  Integra: Where did you find a Nazi werewolf?
  Major: Vhere did you find Dracula?
  Integra: In a basement.
  Major: How poetic; ve found our verevolf in an attic... I mean, ve find lots of things in attics... (chuckles)
  Seras: Holy shit!
  Major: I meant antiques! Ze Juden vas our Führer's obsession, not mine! Anne Frankly I am insulted by ze insinuation.
• After being revealed as a cyborg, the Major goes on a lengthy spiel about humanity's complacency, his still being a man in spite of his alterations, and his motivations for a glorious death... all of which Integra couldn't give a shit about because she's very confused by why the Major is a cyborg.
  Integra: A man is a homo-sapien made of meat and blood, not cogs and coolant and I'm just going to assume a hamster on a wheel!
  The Major: His name is Hamburg.
  Integra: ...You're just fucking with me.
  The Major: And you finally get it.
  • And thirty years later, she has her contact in the Vatican church do extensive research (including looking it up on Wikipedia) but alas, they couldn't find exactly why the Major was a cyborg^note As Pip finds out thirty years later, it was the Catholic Church.
  • The credits outtakes also includes a scene where Alucard is informed of this as well, and he has a very similar reaction to Integra...
    Alucard: So you ever heard of Schrodinger's Cat?
    Integra: Yes, I had a lot of time to study physics while you were gone.
    Seras: She's lying! She was studying cybernetics!
    Integra: I CAN DO BOTH!
    Alucard: Cybernetics? Why?
    Integra: Because the Major was a cyborg!
    Alucard: Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on; why was he a cyborg?!
    Integra: Right?!
    Alucard: That's fucking stupid!
• The Major dies singing "So Long, Farewell". Integra's angered response isn't because he died happy (or that he's a cyborg), it's that now he's ruined The Sound of Music for her.
• When Schrödinger's abilities finally reach Alucard.
  Alucard: ...Am I a bad person?
  (vanishes in a puff of ethics)
  • And this happens while he's still in Girlycard mode.
• Just like in the source material, it's implied that Heinkel is now a regenerator and the Vatican's ace like Anderson was and that she has a rivalry with Seras who is the Hellsing Ace without Alucard around. However, given Heinkel's preferences and the fact that Seras has Alucard as a sire, there are heavy implications of Foe Romance Subtext going on what with the gesture Seras gives Heinkel as she leaves.
  Heinkel: (Glares at Seras)
  Seras: (blows her a kiss and smiles)
• The fact that 30 years later America has Become One Nation Under Copyright:
  "Well, there was a bit of stir when they decided that since coorporations are people, they could technically run for president, but President Walt-Disney-Pepsi-Comcast has done wonders for the economy... given that it's... now the economy."
• Integra tells the other men to stop bullying Penwood Jr. Jr.^note Who is played by frequent TFS contributor and donator ProBait Until he says he just wants to make reaction videos instead of fencing, at which point she tells them to bully him harder.
• Seras and Integra's relationship in the Distant Finale is much like her relationship with Alucard... if Alucard were her snippy vampire daughter. Integra also considers Alucard a "deadbeat who skipped out on us for thirty years and counting!"
  Integra: Speak one more word of him and I'll lock you in a crate and ship you to Abu Dhabi!
  Seras: No! Not again! Oh, every Monday with you!
  • Also a subtle Brick Joke as Seras mentions in episode 3 that she has a fear of "darkness, tight spaces, and flying" which means Integra is going right for Seras' weaknesses with that threat.
• Just like the original, Alucard comes back from his Schrodingerization for the epilogue, but not by killing his 3,424,867 souls, but by being a psychologist to them. He spends twenty of his paradox years helping them with their issues (about a third of them were just in the closet). Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, including him spending the last ten years conversing with himself on whether or not he's a bad person.
  Alucard: You—
  (Beat as Alucard realizes he's now talking to himself)
  Also Alucard: Are we a bad person?
  Alucard: Well, let's start with those twenty-thousand people we impaled.
  Also Alucard: We were pretty mad at dad that day.
  • And for some reason, all of this is set to the theme song to Friends^note Probably because the song is titled "I'll Be There For You.".
    Alucard: Dude, you're allowed to like Friends that much. It was a good show!
  • At the start, he met with an ugly person and a racist woman. Even better, she sounds like Asuna:
    Becky^note Canadian Subtitles has it asking Asuna?: I'm Becky.
    Alucard: Ooooohhh....
    Becky: And I don't want to sound racist... but...
    Alucard: Shit.
    • And during the alternate/deleted jokes shown in the credits, we see him calling out another one of the souls, comparing him to some of the characters from Friends.
      Alucard: Dude, you weren't being a Joey, you were a Chandler trying to be a Joey, and you came off as a Ross. And I'm not talking early seasons' Ross, I'm talking seasons 6 to 9!
  • Alucard speaks with one guy about the relative level of Jerkass in young people, unintentionally setting himself up for a Joke and Receive.
    Alucard: Don't mistake youthful selfishness for genuine malice. Nobody isn't kind of an asshole in their early twenties. And if they actually weren't, they were probably sociopaths.
    Alucard: (immediately after) You're a sociopath!
  • The "out of the closet" thing initially starts with Alucard pointing out to various people their insecurities about seeing same-sex people in loving or sexual embrace. Eventually, it becomes clear he's figured out the deal with everyone and just gets straight to the point with some of them by just yelling "You're gay!" With one exception.
    Alucard: You're straight! Futa isn't gay. ...I think.
    • A couple of the credits jokes reveals that Everyone Has Standards. Even Alucard.
      Alucard: There is no such thing as an "ironic" fan of Eromanga Sensei.
      Alucard: You killed the last white rhino? Hope the boner was worth it ya fuck.
• Upon Alucard's return, Seras busts in on hearing Integra's gunshots, but she's missing a certain article of clothing...
  Seras: SIR INTEGRA! I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD! I DIDN'T EVEN PUT PANTIES ON! IS EVERYTHING OKAY!? ARE WE UNDER ATTACK!? DO I HAVE TIME TO GO PUT PANTIES ON!!??
  • Also note that her spread legs are completely visible (albeit Censored for Comedy^note Seras did wear panties in the original series.).
  • Alucard's answer to Seras' question about the panties.
    Alucard: Don't bother. I'd just charm 'em back off again.
• The punchline of the entire series seven years in the making: after Alucard explains the nature of his existence (both the fact that he is and isn't), we get this:
  Integra: Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn'tExist.
• The credits have a bunch of hilarious outtakes.
  Alucard: Maybe Walter just got tired of... what does a butler do?
  Walter: I buttle, sir.
  Alucard: Ha! See, this is why we're friends Walter.
  • Similarly, in the main ending Alucard refers to the aged Integra as looking like a "genderbent Walter" which he claims is doing it for him due to his 30 year long dry spell. In the credits however...
    Alucard: Why Boner 3: THE RECKONIIIING!
    Canadian Subtitles: (6.5 Richter Scale boner sounds)
• During the credits, when the shot gets to Seras and Pip's voice actors, their names are superimposed over Seras' breasts.
• One deleted exchange had Walter mentioning that if he wanted to betray Integra, he would have done it between "cleaning your ashtrays" and "laundering Seras' brassieres."
  Seras: But... I-I don't-
  Alucard: Lace makes me feel confident!
• The final outtake has a reference to the very first scene in the entire show, with Alucard asking Integra if One Piece finally wrapped up. She acknowledges that it has, but that there was a sequel called Two Piece.
  Alucard: Is it any good?
  Integra: (sighs) Not sure how I feel about Buffy^note Pronounced as BOO-fee (i.e. Luffy but with a B instead of the L, a la Boruto's derivation from Naruto), not BUF-ee as in the Vampire Slayer, BTW. as the main character...

The Twitters

• Alucard's twitter is a veritable goldmine of hilarity.
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.
  BT_PoliceGirl: Think it might have somethin' t'do with the fact that YOU WERE FILMED SLAUGHTERIN' PEOPLE?
  TheCrimsonFuckr: I will not apologize for art.
  BT_PoliceGirl: And you've been watchin' too many popular internet videos.
• Police Girl's has some funny bits too.
  BT_PoliceGirl: Poor Walter was upset [Alucard] was getting blood everywhere, so Master decided to roll about on the floor and against the walls.
  
  BT_PoliceGirl: Pip quickly found out how "More like 'foreBONING'" was not a proper or witty retort.
  I'm not goin' into details.
• Alucard's response to the Pope stepping down. (a reference his letters to the Pope)
  TheCrimsonFuckr: NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEEE~Y! GOODBYE!
  BT_PoliceGirl: Oh why d'you have to be so bloody loud so early? Blimey..!
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Because I won. Shut up.
• And then after the World Cup when Germany stomped Brazil in the semifinals:
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Wow, haven't seen Brazilians get slaughtered like this since... well, you know.
• And whatever this is:
  TheCrimsonFuckr: My New Years Resolution? Eat less. Which is the opposite of last year's resolution: Help trim the homeless population.
• When the account itself became active again from a 2 year hiatus to signify Alucard being off the ship in Episode 8 (He can't get a signal in the middle of the ocean after all), he only has this to say:
  TheCrimsonFuckr: So I get back and neo-Nazis are everywhere, everything is on fire, and a pudgy little shit bag is in power. Also I'm back in London.
  • Not to mention the earlier tweet that pretty much set the fans to overdrive:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Rest is for the weak...
    ... Party for the weekend.
• After some relative silence, Alucard tweeted for no reason in particular about his hobbies...
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Sometimes I take the form of an 8 year old and get in windowless vans with strangers. If they're legit, I get candy and Playstation. If not, I get to eat a child molester. Win-win!
  • Though being who he is, the follow-up is about as Alucard an answer you can get.
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Although for some reason, they always have the faintest aftertaste of communion wafers.
• He also went and saw a movie.
  TheCrimsonFuckr:: Saw Infinity War. 2/10
  Thanos never glove slapped *anyone* and demanded a duel.
  Why even HAVE IT BE A FUCKING GLOVE THEN
• Alucard had this to say about a certain dhampyr who shares his name.
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Heard I was in Smash Brothers and this is embarrassing... They're using my look from the 80s. Christ, I look like Kim Basinger cosplaying Marquis de Sade.
• So what're Alucard's thoughts on 4th of July fireworks?
  TheCrimsonFuckr: When you've been around as long as I have, fireworks lose their wow-factor. But idiots blowing their fingers off because they bought illegal fireworks from a guy who has *absolutely* hosted a donkey show? That's forever.
• Alucard missed all of 2020 after he fell asleep in January having forgotten to set his alarm. He's naturally got a lot to catch up on but there's one thing that confuses him enough to ask: A certain type of online entertainer that finally found itself a foothold in the west in his absence...
  TheCrimsonFuckr: What the fuck is a VTuber?
• Alucard didn't let the fact that he didn't need a COVID vaccination stop him from getting it anyway just so he could fuck with medical staff as if it had an adverse side effect.
  TheCrimsonFuckr: Vampires don't need to get vaccinated but I did anyway, for fun. The fun part was turning into a woman in front of the nurse after she gave me the shot.
• Alucard randomly buys himself a replacement Walter.
  TheCrimsonFuckr: I bought an ape. No, an actual ape. I've dressed him in a suit and call him Walter Jr.
• Alucard's tribute after the death of Elizabeth II:
  TheCrimsonFuckr: RIP to the lay of the century.

The Christmas Special

• Integra being furious over the fact Alucard shot Santa, which is surprising considering she didn't question how that could even be the real Santa. But considering her childhood and current life, it's possible that Integra kept believing that Santa was actually real - seeing as her coworkers are literally vampires, disbelief in Santa would be Arbitrary Skepticism.
• Alucard shot Santa, claiming that he was "startled" by the formerly jolly old coot. Integra accuses him of planning this, which he denies... most unconvincingly.
• Police Girl secured the sleigh! (But Vixen died in the process.)
• Apparently Alucard found an elf costume for the Police Girl. Whether it was meant for humans or elves is a mystery. Alucard tries to cheer Integra up by looking on the bright side:
  Alucard: You won't believe how cheap [Seras's] elf costume was...
  Integra: (hisses)
  Alucard: (proudly) ...I stole it!
• Alucard wanting his The Nightmare Before Christmas moment.
• The tale ends with Alucard and the Police Girl going off in the sleigh to save Christmas... "Until Alucard got bored, and kind of wandered off".

Meta

• LittleKuriboh's little freak-out and "I told you so"-moment to Lanipator and KaiserNeko at ConnectiCon 2014 when someone brought up there are no Dairy Queen branches in England^note sadly (likely) no videos of it exist since Team Four Star asked for people to not take videos so there won't be out of context video uploads. He would know that, for obvious reasons, and his happy dance at being right was incredibly hilarious.
• At the same convention, Lanipator told a story that he did his Major "Gentlemen, we... are Nazis" speech at a con in Australia. In a room with 800 or so Con Goers. His comment on it was "I basically led a Nazi rally, at a con, in Australia. My World War II veteran grandfather would be so proud."
  Lanipator / The Major: Gentlemen, we... are Nazis.
  800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
  Lanipator / The Major: And we, will have war!
  800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
  • KaiserNeko mentioned right after that story that he did recording for some of the Nazis in that scene, and ended up shouting "SIEG HEIL!" for thirty minutes or so in his house. He was glad he didn't have Jewish neighbors.
• In this video, TFS is reading Fifty Shades of Grey. At 35:08, hbi2k yells at the top of his lungs (as Alexander Anderson) "FUCK ME CHRISTIAN!" Taka flails around, laughing wildly, and tries to start up the "YES!" chants; he gets about two steps before he trips on a chair and eats total shit when he lands on the floor. Given the reactions to hbi2k's line, it's amazing that Taka was the only one who crashed to the floor in uncontrolled laughter.
  • Even worse, someone else on stage does get a proper "YES!" chant going.
  • He later comes back during Megami33's turn, leading to this exchange at 40:01.
    Megami33 (as Integra): Goddammnit, he's alive.
    Taka (as Alucard): Yep! I bled a little for you. You bleed once a month, you know what I mean. (audience groans) ...'Cause she has a vagina!
• A behind-the-scenes look at how Nowacking said his lines for Seras in Episode 7. When he is acting out his screams of pain, his cat understandably keeps walking up to him and interrupting him. After comforting the cat, he resumes screaming and his cat comes back a second time.
  Nowacking: She's never cared this much about me, ever.
• In the post-show for the Twitch premiere of Episode 9, Taka reveals that the VA who does the high-pitched Gratuitous Japanese for Girlycard is his sister. As soon as she nailed the pitch and repeated the line a few times for good measure?
  Taka: So eventually I went "Can you repeat that just in a recording booth and never in public again?"
• After the premiere of Episode 10, a cumulative 1,000,000 bit donation^note 1 bit is about 1.5 U.S. cents. 1,000,000 is roughly $15,000 from Pr0bait (who is also in the episode as Penwood Jr. Jr.) briefly leaves Lani lying catatonic on the floor in front of the couch. He only snaps out of it after everyone else starts calling dibs to replace his roles on DBZA, refusing to give up Vegeta.
  • For anyone interested, this little moment takes place at 4:16:47 on the livestream.
  • That's actually just the 200,000 bit-laden tip of the iceberg. Almost immediately after the episode ended and Kaiser was in the middle of singing praises to Stephan's work, the entire couch^note Lani, Taka, Ben, Kaiser, Howard, and Megami loses their minds further and further at his four continuous bitdrops of 200,000 each, totaling the first 800,000. Lani and Taka are speechless, Lani even actually catatonic on-screen.
    Ben (Amidst Lani and Taka screaming): Y-yeah, Pr0bait's payin' Stephan's paycheck!
    (only a few seconds later)
    Ben: It doesn't stop! Why!? Why!?\\

(after the bitdrops stop for the moment)
Lani: That's like 3 months of my salary!
Ben: That's like 2/3 of our Patreon of the month of everybody who gives to it COMBINED!

• Kaiser barely holding it together in likewise thanking Pr0bait for his endless contributions to the channel, and when he states he doesn't know how to thank the latter:
  Taka: You did make him do a redo.
  Kaiser: I did! (The others crack up.) Dammit! I shouldn't have done that! He might've given us more!

• After the series ended, Jesse Nowack came out as a trans man and had top surgery shortly thereafter. He joked on Twitter that the Big-Titted Police Girl no longer has tits nor identifies as a girl.
• Taka and Kaiser hosted a Twitch marathon of the entire abridged series while providing commentary. Highlights include:
  • Taka spending the entirety of the gunpoint letter-reading in Episode 2 cringing at the Black Comedy. He cites it as being the darkest joke not only in the whole show, but the darkest joke they've ever made period only for Kaiser to remind him that it's only the darkest joke that made it past the cutting room floor.
    • Similarly, immediately after Rip Van Winkle's starts talking in internet memes in Episode 4, Taka cringes so hard he starts flailing, yanks off his headset, and retreats to the far corner of the room to take solace in his dog.
      Taka: (distantly) I refuse to come to the microphone, I'm embarrassed!
    • They describe Rip's character direction as being the ultimate Alucard bait as someone that he absolutely needs to kill, but it fell a bit flat because they never showed Alucard seeing her before his attack.
  • Lani joins them later on, and after Episode 9 ends he mentions someone in-chat appreciating the "First White National Bank" joke, to which Taka brings up the Australia convention story mentioned above.
    Taka: Hey Lani, tell everyone in chat about the time you accidentally led a Nazi rally in Australia.
    Lani: (Beat) So. In order to warm up the crowd-
    Taka: (suddenly explodes into giggles)
    Kaiser: "CONTEXT, Heinkel!!"
    Lani: I'm giving the context! You don't drop that and now I can't not tell it!
  • Taka revealing that the original ending he pitched for the series was that right when Alucard sticks out his tongue to taste Integra's blood it would have cut to Walter who stated that Integra, Alucard, and Seras then had sex for 4 hours but because Pip is the house it technically was a 4-Way. Kaiser just told him, "No."
    Taka: Come on! It's technically a foursome! He's the bed!
• During Takahata's guest appearance on the VShojo-hosted Lewdcast, while he goes through most of his arsenal of voices, Alucard is specifically requested. What follows is Alucard doing exactly what you think he'd do if three attractive ladies were asking to see him. The delighted squealing that follows causes Taka to burst out laughing.
  Alucard: *Maniacal laughter* You'll have to forgive me, I was just thinking of my favorite Marmaduke. That fat fucking dog. Heheh... ahhh, so I see here three anime girls. Well, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going! The question is who the first scene, the rough middle scene, and who's part of the fucking montage!?

---