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Funny / Goblin Slayer Abridged

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     Episode 1 
  • The very first lines of the series are all about...dysentery.
    Random vendor: Dysentry, get your fresh dysentery! I got dysentery!
    Random folk: I want it all, spit in my mouth!
  • The Guild Girl in this series does NOT mince her words at all. Also, apparently the subtitles think the Priestess is the best girl.
    Best Girl: O-Oh! I-I'm here to apply! I'd like to be an adventurer.
    Guild Girl: Reconsider.
    Best Girl: W-what?
    Guild Girl: But, I can't stop you, so...(apathetically) welcome aboard. Here's your badge! Keep it on person at all times so your corpse is easier to identify.
    • Then there's her overall interaction with Team Titan Storm.
    Guild Girl: (exasperated) I have been sparing you from your imminent demise and wanton disregard for your own well-being for WEEKS now. But your tenacity MIGHT... just be enough that you can take out a small nest of goblins northeast of town.
  • Then you have the one and only GS make his first onscreen appearance.
    • And his enthusiastic joy for killing goblins.
    Priestess: Wait! Couldn't there be a good Goblin? We don't know if they're evil yet!"
    Goblin Slayer: I wish I was innocent like you. But I'm not. I'm full of rage, and beans, SPIRIT, PRIDE, AND HEART, AND SOUL, AND RAGE, AND BEANS! SPICY BEANS! The only good goblin is a dead goblin! NOW LET'S MAKE THESE GOBLINS GOOOOD!
  • GS's insistence that he and Priestess refer to each other by their job title and not their actual names.
    Priestess: What are you?
    Goblin Slayer: Slayer. Goblin Slayer.
    Priestess: Wha- no! I mean your name, not your job title!
    Goblin Slayer: Hey! We're not on a NAAAAAAME basis yet. What's your name?
    Priestess: My name is-
    Goblin Slayer: WRONG!!!
    (Priestess screams as GS takes the goblin arrow out of her shoulder)
    Goblin Slayer: Your name is Priestess! No names! Not in this line of work!
  • "It's goblin pee-pee."
  • The subtitles contain several hidden gems, such as: *Priestess having an emotional breakdown* as she is doing just that. *GS having the time of his life* while indiscriminately slaughtering goblins. *lvl 10 Goblin sniffing.* as he takes a huge whiff to search for goblins. *BIG SNIFF* as he does it again. *Monk girl turning bland and spiceless.* as she's being raped. *Priestess still having an emotional breakdown* continuing on from before. *Gae Bolg* as a spear is thrown. *GoblinSlaying Boner arises* as Goblin Slayer is being... himself, and more.
  • After GS makes Priestess drink the goblin urine, he shows his contempt for said goblins in a rather... enthusiastic way.
    Goblin Slayer: Congratulations, you just passed your first goblin test. Only goblins drink their own piss. (disgustedly) Vile creatures. I don't like 'em. Hate 'em. Hate GAAAAWWWWWBLINS. HATE 'EM! (screams out while shaking his fists)

     Episode 2 
  • It opens with a pretty hilarious introduction of our Heroic Comedic Sociopath partaking in his favorite pastime: killing Goblins. His opening line says it all.
    Goblin Slayer: "Ha-ha-ha. Laughing and dancing in your DISGUSTING sacred tree fortress, huh? NOT on my watch! My GAWBLIN-slaying watch! GOBLINSLAYINGARROWATTACK!"
  • The Rookie Duo is stuck with a rather... Embarrassing Nickname.
    Guild Girl: Looking at you, Poop Patrol! Next up!
    Rookie Warrior: Is...Is that what they are calling us...?
    Apprentice Cleric: We do kill rats in the sewer, so... maybe?
  • Guild Girl takes screaming breaks when faced with the craziness of her job and her clientele.
    • She also has to stop and take an extra screaming break before dealing with Goblin Slayer specifically.
  • High Elf Archer can't get Goblin Slayer to even stay awake long enough to understand why they're recruiting him, let alone care. Dwarf Shaman has to explain it in terms that Goblin Slayer will understand.
    Dwarf Shaman: Goblin, goblin. Biiiiig goblin. Baaaad goblin. No. No.
    Goblin Slayer: Why'd you stop, keep going! I'm listening. Tell me more about this... Biiiiig goblin.
  • The entire campfire scene:
    • High Elf Archer is just as hilarious as the original, particularly when she gets drunk.
      Goblin Slayer: Ok. Once upon a time, there were two moons...
      High Elf Archer: BULLSHIT!
      Goblin Slayer: Ok, ok. Once upon a time, there are two moons...
      High Elf Archer: I'm listening...
    • The idea that Goblin Slayer's story of where goblins come from boils down to "One of the moons was full of Green, which turned into Evil, which turned into goblins! And then they goblinated teleportation and came here!"
    • Everything to do with "goblination."
      Dwarf Shaman: I’m mostly neutral. Not like they goblinate booze.
      Goblin Slayer: Oh they do.
      Dwarf Shaman: Ohhhhh. Oh, they have to die then.
  • Everyone's insistence that the Ogre is a big goblin, which infuriates the Ogre. Especially hilarious with the Dwarf Shaman, who after weathering the Ogre's Fireball with the help of a Protection spell from Priestess:
    Dwarf Shaman: A goblin casting Fireball? I thought such magic was reserved for more powerful creatures, like the unstoppable Ogre.
  • Priestess offers to join GS on his goblin slaying, informing him that that with her his goblin slaying would increase by as much as 30%. His reaction?
    Goblin Slayer: Let me talk to my representative.
    Goblin Slayer: * walks over to Table *
    Goblin Slayer: You hear that Table? 30 percent! That's crazy! What do you think? Mhmm Mhmm Mhmm
    Table: [says nothing because it's a table] [Actually it DOES say something, but you have to have "Captions - English (Canada)" active, no bullshit and this is what it says: "{Table: I think you're crazy, go away}} ]
    Goblin Slayer: Well. what do you know?! You're a damn table!!
  • High Elf Archer. Goblin guts. Comedy gold.
    Goblin Slayer: Put this on.
    High Elf Archer: What? Goblin blood? There is no way I'm—!
    Goblin Slayer: Goblins love three things: Elves, women and what they do to elven women. Goblins are sensitive to smells. They'll snort you out from a mile away. You best put this on girly, before the goblins think we're bringing them a buffet!
    High Elf Archer: Surely he's joking, right? Right?
    Priestess: [in "You get used to it" mode] It's way stickier than it looks. Like, way stickier.
    Goblin Slayer: Sniff sniff! I'm a goblin! You just got goblinated!
    [Goblin Slayer looming behind High Elf Archer]
    Goblin Slayer: [as High Elf Archer whimpers] Put it on. PUT IT ONNNNNNNNNN!
  • Witch begins her discussion with Priestess in her usual style of speaking....Only to completely drop it out of frustration and speak normally.


     Episode 3 
  • Rookie Warrior has a very high-pitched scream.
  • Spearman earlier used the same spell Witch gives Apprentice Cleric and Rookie Warrior to find what they’re looking for.
    Spearman: I once used it to find the world’s greatest warrior, only to find he was inside me all along.
    Witch, Rookie Warrior, and Apprentice Cleric: (just look at him)
    Spearman: Crafty bastard. Get out here you!
  • Goblin Slayer gets his mail delivered to Table. He doesn't know how. Table handles the logistics.

     Episode 4 
  • High Elf Archer and Dwarf Shaman start arguing over their kill counts from a previous mission, and who won their little goblin slaying contest.
    Dwarf Shaman: It was my kill, elf! I killed forty-three goblins!
    High Elf Archer: Forty-two goblins! The last one wasn't dead yet, it was still twitching!
    Dwarf Shaman: It was still twitching because I unloaded eight rocks into him! FORTY-THREE!
    • Followed by Lizard Priest proudly declaring
    Lizard Priest: And I got six! Yay me...
  • As it starts raining from the sewer roof...
    Dwarf Shaman: I hope it's rain, 'cause whatever it is, it just got in my mouth...
    Priestess: Is it even possible for it to rain in the sewers?
    Goblin Slayer: IT'S NOT!
    Dwarf Shaman: *puking noises, as the screen cuts to black*

     Episode 5 
  • When Goblin Slayer speaks without his helmet, he has a deep but normal pitched voice which Priestess comments on (and which is quite similar to Canon!Goblin Slayer). Then he puts the helmet on mid-sentence, and his tone returns to the normal deranged screeching we've come to know.
    Priestess: Are you sure you're okay? Any open wounds? Internal bleeding? Boo-boos of any size?
    goblin slayer [armor on but still helmetless]: It's fine. I'm fine.
    Priestess: Uh...are you sure? You seem quieter than usual.
    goblin slayer: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm the —
    [puts helmet back on]
  • While Goblin Slayer was dead, Lizard Priest wanted to eat him in accordance with his traditions and use his bones as a new skeletal minion, but was drugged by "sleepy cheese" and chained to the floor. He asks Goblin Slayer multiple times if he still wants to reconsider death.
  • Goblin Slayer Junior (the bird), according to High Elf Archer, ate a ton of seeds and has never been fatter. Junior is also apparently a girl, because she laid an egg, meaning that Goblin Slayer "is gonna become a grandpa".
  • When the gang pulls an intervention on Goblin Slayer after the events of Episode 4, and force him to take a day off from goblin slaying, he ends up acting like a petulant five year old. And making Priestess like a scolding, put upon mother...
    Goblin Slayer: I don't wanna! I DON'T WANNA!!! Don't wanna... I don't wanna...
    Priestess: There, there, Goblin Slayer. We don't have to slay goblins! We can do other things! Would fixing up your armor make you feel better?
    Goblin Slayer: No.....I don't know.....maybe....
    Priestess: Ok, we'll go get your armor fixed up!
    Goblin Slayer: *makes angry Goblin Slayer noises*
    Priestess: No! Was that lip? No attitude, Mr. Man, or we're not going out for treats later!
    Goblin Slayer: I like treats! Fine...
  • The first shop they head to is an armor shop. Priestess wants to have her chain shirt fixed, but the blacksmith is acting like a bit of a creeper toward Priestess. Which Goblin Slayer is not having. So Goblin Slayer decides to have a free "fitting". That involves taking off his clothes, jumping right over the counter and thoroughly freaking the blacksmith out.
  • The second place they visit is an ice cream stand; or the "iced scream" stand according to Goblin Slayer.
    • Goblin Slayer asking if they "scream at ice and eat it", and Priestess snarking that if that's how they'd do it, he'd be a pro.
    Goblin Slayer: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?
    • Goblin Slayer calling the children "goblin-sized adults" and learning that Priestess is only fifteen.
    • The Screamsman wanting to tell Goblin Slayer and Priestess the "story of ice cream", which Goblin Slayer isn't crazy about hearing. When he tries to turn it into a rap, Goblin Slayer loses it and outright kills the guy.
  • After Goblin Slayer's You Are Better Than You Think You Are speech and his flashbacks, Priestess eats her entire bowl of ice cream at once, bowl and all, and promptly gets Brain Freeze.
    • During above moment, as Goblin Slayer recalls his earliest memories and starts freaking out, Priestess has a traumatized look on her face while the former shares details of his life.
  • Priestess's chants have gotten a lot less serious and poetic.
    Priestess: Earth Mother! It's me, ya priesty girl! You know I need some protection right about now, so... (Clicks tongue and winks)
    Goblin Slayer: Remember these incantations used to sound like poems? Goblin Slayer from the past remembers.
  • Everything involving the Beholder, managing to combine Cloudcuckoolander and Ax-Crazy into one:
    Beholder: These sons of bitches talking about me? I might not have ears, but I can read lips! Fuck, they're speaking Common. I don't know common. Fuck! WHAT'S THAT SOUND?!(Beat)Okay.
  • On a more meta note, the fact that the Beholder's crazed ranting, anger, and paranoia are completely in line with the insanity of Dungeons and Dragons Beholders.
  • Also it's verbal tic of screaming, "HELLO?", which was also it's Famous Last Words.
  • The reason the group fought the Beholder? High Elf Archer wanting the bragging rights that come with defeating such a foe.
    High Elf Archer: The hero killed the demon lord, but we can kill this guy~
    Beholder: WHAT?
  • The rematch against the Goblins goes much smoother, with a montage of switching back and forth between Dwarf Shaman throwing rocks, Lizard Priest and Goblin Slayer throwing projectiles, High Elf Archer firing arrows, and Priestess... looking up multiple times. One transition even has her dabbing while looking like Sayaka Kanamori from Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken! as the carnage goes on.
  • After the team defeats the Goblins, Goblin Slayer remarks that it was his teamwork that saved the day and them, much to High Elf Archer's chagrin. In response, she kicks Goblin Slayer down a small ravine... only to cause the potions in his ass to explode and kill him.
    Priestess: Um... I'm out of spells. I can't heal that...
    High Elf Archer: Oh, he'll be fine.
    (Goblin Slayer lets out a pained scream)


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