A Hetalia fanfic called "Never Before." America and England, while fighting in WWII, also have a pun war with each other. The results are hilarious, to say the least.
HAVING A FINE TIME IN HILDESHEIM STOP
HAVE YET TO FIND A HILDE STOP
THERE MAY BE ONE IN WILDENHAUSEN STOP
I ALSO HAVE THAT TOO STOP
BUT BY THE TIME WE GET TO BREMEN FRANCE WILL BE IN BADEN-BADEN AND THAT'S NOT ALL BAD STOP
ARE YOUR EARS BLEEDING YET FROM THE PUNS STOP
IF NOT I'VE GOT A DIVISION OF THEM FULL STOP
Don't forget America's response to Pearl Harbor and being dragged into war with Japan: CLEARLY THE ANSWER IS TO SHOVE MY JETS SO FAR UP JAPAN'S ASS THAT HIS ANCESTORS FEEL IT AND CALL OFF THE ATTACK BEFORE IT HAPPENS
There's also the part where they're fighting together, only for France to unexpectedly begin shooting at them:
"Why is France shooting at us? I thought he wasn't supposed to shoot at us!"
"Fuck if I know! I blame the syphilis!"
"...he still has that, huh?"
"America, what's worse than a clap-addled sex maniac under the thumb of the nazis?"
"I dunno, what?"
"A clap-addled sex maniac under the thumb of the nazis who is still sniping at you you idiot, get down!"
"I'm getting down, I'm getting down—ha, okay, I think we've got the beachheads, I'm pretty sure I see France pulling out. Awesome."
"France, pulling out? Now that's something you don't see every day."
"Ha ha ha. Give me a hand with Oran, will you? I don't think I'm going to have any more problems with Casablanca."
"Certainly. I'll come in from the West."
"You know, Iggy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
"I think we ought to call it the end of the beginning."
An Axis Powers HetaliaKink Memefill featuring Canada leaving passive-aggressive notes: "Thank you all for talking over me through the last meeting. I hope it made you all feel better about your tiny landmasses."
Another, when America and Canada attempt to film Twincest porn: "Why would a pizza delivery guy deliver pizza to his brother's bedroom?"
One hilarious one has America discover how the nations have been putting requests on the kink meme for ages, and begins reading their prompts aloud as a team-building exercise. This reaches extreme heights of hilarity when Greece wakes up and joins in the conversation.
"Natural thing," he said, when they'd finished. "Sex, I mean, not the internet, though if you consider beaver damns natural, are human creations so different? The human animal is an animal, of animal urges..."
"Hey, this prompt is for Mama Greece and Mama Egypt dubcon," America said.
"...and I will kill you all like animals," Greece finished, and snapped his pen in half.
The rest of the fic is the nations reading said Ancient Greece/ Ancient Egypt fic aloud, passing the phone from one another as Greece attacks them. By the end? "Greece had to be sedated, England needed three stitches (and some alone time), and France had to get a new phone." And according to the footnotes, Hungary provided the sedatives for "...Horse...emergencies"
The Axis Powers Hetalia fanfiction Chasing an Empty Dream manages to be hilarious, even with the romantic and Tear Jerker elements to it. One such moment is in Chapter 15, when Germany has discovered that he used to be the Holy Roman Empire and Prussia wants him to tell Italy the news.
Germany stiffened when he heard a familiar "Ciao!" on the other line. "Hey there, Italy! You'll never guess what—!"
Germany swiped the phone out of Prussia's hands. "Wrong number," he hissed into the receiver and hung up.
Prussia blinked. "I called him by his name. You really gonna think he'll believe that?"
The next chapter is cracky from beginning to end, as Germany tries to go on a date with Italy. Romano finds out and spies on them in a Paper-Thin Disguise of a mustache as their waiter, which Italy completely fails to notice ("Ve~ you know, if you shaved that mustache, you'd look just like my brother…"). Hilarity Ensues as Spain bursts in with an ax, England bursts in with his eyebrows dyed pink, France bursts in to carry off England, and Canada has to get rid of an overly-excited America. There's also this exchange, as Germany and Italy have a bowl of pasta together:
Germany swallowed, feeling his face getting red. "Err, I don't mind…sharing…" he mumbled.
“Silence!” shouted Germany over all the voices and started pointing at nations one at a time. “Denmark! Get Sweden to his own chair! Finland, stop recording already! Hungary! You too! Prussia! Stop laughing! Japan, stop taking notes of this! Egypt, would you stop looking like nothing has happened? And Greece! What the fuck is going on!?”
Greece stared to the window past Germany where Eros was doing a victory dance to himself. “How should I know?”
OneHetalia fanfiction has England drunkenly crashing a re-enactment of the American Revolutionary War. This results in him screaming and swearing at the participants, which the viewers seem to find more entertaining than the actual performance.
The angry British man had begun to attract a larger crowd than the war reenactment itself. Amused Americans used cell phones and cameras to record him as he swung himself across the field, flailing his arms in a failed attempt to point at everyone at the same time. In less than two hours a video titled “Crazy British Guy” would gain 4,000 hits on youtube before it was deleted by a disclosed source.
There's also this gem:
“You are a gentleman and a scholar, my boy,” England said in a clearer, happier voice than before. “I don’t know why I ever doubted you.”
“You too, buddy,” America smirked, mentally cataloguing it all for future story telling. Or maybe blackmailing.
Towards the end, England (still drunk) promises American that he can have his second-best unicorn, Wistera. When England finally sobers up later in the day, there's this exchange:
“Hey there sleeping beauty,” he teased when England finally finished and collapsed back against his pillow.
“Sod off. What the hell did I do last night?”
“You mean this morning,”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you the whole story later,” he said, closing his eyes again. “And I’ll take good care of Wisteria, I promise.”
Father Figure, a Bleach short story has one for Mayuri, who via a subtle Batman Gambit manages to obliterate Hueco Mundo. How? Jacking Yachiru up on super sugar and shooting her into Hueco Mundo with a giant cannon Not A Cannon.
"Hm, I think I'm gonna move my horse..." Nonette smirked confidently and picked up the piece.
"Firstly, it's STILL not your turn yet because I STILL haven't moved yet, and second, IT'S A KNIGHT." Lelouch hissed, his grip on the table tightening and his knuckles turning white.
"Can I move here?" Nonette would set it down halfway across the board, knocking Lelouch's queen off the board as she did.
"NO, because it's not your TURN AND because KNIGHTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!"
"But I thought the horse can jump over guys."
"IT'S NOT A HORSE! IT'S A KNIGHT! AND IT CAN JUMP OVER ONLY TWO PIECES, NOT GUYS, PER MOVE!"
"Well, I did only jump over two guys." Nonette smiled and pointed to her pawn and Lelouch's pawn, not only on the other side of the board, but also two columns away. "My guy and your guy. Then I killed this guy. Now I'm next to your other guy. So, king me."
"YOU CAN'T MOVE THAT WAY, THOSE ARE PAWNS, THAT IS A QUEEN, THAT IS A KING, IT'S NOT YOUR TURN, AND THERE IS NO KING ME IN CHESS!"
"I don't know why you're raising your voice at me, it's just a game. Nellie was right, you're such a kid." Nonette blew some hair from her face and reached in for another piece.
"I refuse to play with you until you learn how chess works, Ms. Enneagram. Good day." Lelouch rose from the table, while Nonette raised both fists in the air and grinned.
"I win again! The crowd goes wild!" She then made haaaaaah noises into her hand for a bit as she watched the prince retreat to the safety of his room.
In Chapter 24 of Lelouch of Britannia, Kallen's assassination attempt on Lelouch, which is short in seriousness and high in awkwardness:
Kallen: "WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"
It was a difficult question, considering his life may well depend on the response.
Lelouch: "Usually, people undress for showers."
And because this is Lelouch (if Alternate Universe-still-a-Britannian-prince Lelouch) he acts like himself and completely misinterprets her behavior: he thinks she's a Stalker with a Crush. Though arguably the funniest and certainly the most awkward part is when his bodyguards barge in to rescue him, Kallen slips, and they find the two of them lying on top of each other, soaking wet, and respectively half-dressed and buck naked. And because he doesn't want to ruin her reputation (It's not her fault she was smitten with him), Lulu pretends it's exactlywhat it looks like and calmly gives orders for a cover-up... while still lying on the floor, naked and being crushed by Kallen's boobs.
The author's note on Chapter 17 also deserves a mention:
I've wanted to write that parade scene for some time now. More specifically, I wanted to write a scene in which girls passed out enmasse screaming Lelouch's name; seemed appropriate.
And the time when the excerpt at the beginning of the chapter was about a media manhunt for Lelouch. Apparently Alternate History and being renamed "Jim" has had very little effect of Jon Stewart's personality.
On Monday, the Enquirer offered £100,000 for "photo evidence of [Prince Lelouch's] current whereabouts." A rival publication, the Weekly Mail, responded with an offer of £200,000 for new footage of the prince "in a casual, unguarded setting." The latest entrant into the escalating tabloid war was the Pendragon Post, who offered £375,000 for pictures capturing the Prince with "non-familiar female companionship." In his opening segment on Tuesday night's The Daily Show, Jim Stewart predicted that by week's end someone will put up a million pounds for "images of the Prince directing amphibious operations at a nudist beach." The fake news program host called upon the Prince to "take one for the team" and undress for magazines. "Their women will defectand Europe will lose all its fighting strength; war's over. All hail Britannia."
Rivalz: "Alright?!" he shrieked. "You go off and hijack a bunch of terrorists, and you ask me if I'm alright? I was worried sick about you! Have you gone nuts? Have you lost your mind? Did you ever think what it would have been like for me if I had to tell the whole student council how you got yourself killed in a spontaneous burst of idiocy?"
Rivalz: "What were you thinking? 'Hey, look! There's some mortal peril over there! Let's get closer!' You're usually pretty smart, man, but that's just stupid! I mean, you're a chess player, not some secret agent of the empire! Are you?"
Lelouch: "A what? Rivalz, I honestly think that's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said."
Rivalz: "Uh, Lulu, this isn't one of those, 'I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you' things, is it?"
Lelouch: "If I said yes, would you tell the whole school about it by tomorrow?"
Rivalz: "…I might not."
Lelouch: "Rivalz, listen to me. You are blowing things way out of proportion. I'm fine. Ask me tomorrow, and I'll be able to explain everything to you, I promise. And I'd appreciate it if you would please not mention this to anyone at school until you know all the details. You know how rumors fly around, and apparently I already have a harem of Eleven girls to run while running the largest trafficking of refrain in the country, and I'm not sure I could handle being an imperial agent as well."
Hermione: We were attending to personal business, Headmaster. We are legal adults now, and must attend to adult responsibilities occasionally.
Dumbledore: And where would your business take you?
SithLord!Harry: I was planning the orbital bombardment of Canada. I've determined that they represent a direct threat against my growing Empire.
Copycat, a Buffy/Marvel crossover, has a scene where Reed Richards acknowledges an area where Doctor Doom is his superior- aesthetics and fashion- as part of a Batman Gambit to avoid the classic unwinnable husband situation. Cue Doom giving fashion advice to Susan and Alicia.
"Foolish peasant," Doom roared, "it is obvious that the dear Alicia is a fall not a winter!"
The G.I. Joe/Aliens Vs Predator crossover fic Corazones y Cazadores features a hilarious Perp Sweating scene. Scarlett needs to get information from the Dreadnok Buzzer, who isn't cooperating despite just barely surviving an Xenomorph attack. Snake-Eyes proceeds to make menacing hand gestures while reaching for his swords. Scarlett keeps telling him that what he's suggesting is "against the Geneva Convention!" In reality, they're talking about baseball.
In chapter 17: "The Fire listened. The Fire absorbed. And then—just as Rei had asked it—the Fire attempted to show an image that conveyed "the true goal" of the assembled Neriman group... It really did try its best."
The sheer extent to which Ranma's plan has gone wrong as of Chapter 18. It not only provokes the youma into attacking by the hundreds in broad daylight, but results in the Dark Kingdom and the Sailor Senshi teaming up against them. Oh, and Kodachi steals the Maguffin central to the plan.
Joker: Okay, Skelly, have it your way. That's the final decision.
Joker walks away as Skeleton King realizes what he just said.
Skeleton King: Hey, that's not fair! Take that back!
The Gameverse is a Glee series where the characters become contestants on reality shows, while the first one, Survivor isn't focused on humour for most of the game the finale, the final tribal council, the reunion show, and the announcement of teams for The Amazing Race, is one CMOF after another.
The Amazing Race version has a lot of funny moments, and it's just got to the half way point, April and Josh Groban's entire one leg spent with April drunk due to the free alcohol she got on the plane, Shelby and Jesse's elimination, and Blaine's completely awesome meltdown wherein he calls out Rachel, his partner for the race, for being so completely egotistical, Quinn for being manipulative, and yells at Mike and Tina to get personalities are the highlights.
Electo-Ghost: (grabs Danny) Take me! Take me away now! Please don't let them take me! Where's that Thermos thing?!
Danny: H-hey, stop! What do you think you're doing?
Electo-Ghost: (fiddles with Thermos) Come on, come on, how do you get this thing to work?! (activates it and laughs as he's sucked inside)
Danny: O-kay... That was definitely a new one on me. (To the Ghostbusters) Uh... hi?
Peter: (team express just as much confusion) Any thoughts?
Ray: Yeah... one down and one to go. Blast him!
There is also the fact that when Danny reveals his identity to them several chapters later, he is bummed out they aren't very amazed or spooked. Given the entirety of the list of supernatural things they've faced before hand, even a half-human half-ghost is not really beyond the Ghostbuster's radar of weird.
The Grand Tour Series, a Nanoha-centered megacrossover, has a one-shot where the Top Gear crew does a special episode on Mid-Childa after Earth makes formal public contact. A special including Magical Girl Stig-Chan.
Professor Snape: As for you, Mr. Potter... Fired curse or no, your actions were a disgrace to the house of Slytherin, and you will serve a detention with me on Saturday, cleaning cauldrons and rethinking how you should have handled the situation...
Professor Snape: You will not... Wait, what did you do to me?!
This crossover between Harry Potter and the Justice League (among others) has quite a few, but the best is when Dumbledore gives a shout-out to The Question.
Hermione: Why do you have wards against Aglets?
Dumbledore: (dead serious) Do not say their names. Their true purpose... is sinister. (one of the instruments in Dumbledore's office creates an ominous flash of lightning in the background.)
And then there's this:
Snape: (On Harry's adoption by Danny & Tess Ocean, with Mad-eye as adoptive grandparent) You should have taken him back to his muggle relative once you'd found him. Not raised him with some yankee ponce and a crackpot conspiracy theorist.
Dumbledore: (confused) I got the impression that Tess was of rather sound mind.
I'm just lucky Misa's a total idiot. It's like I dodged another bullet.
A few in Kitsune On Campus, a Naruto and Mahou Sensei Negima! crossover. Some of the standouts include the entire class believing Naruto has just had a threesome with Mana and Keade, and is now planning a Five way; Negi and Naruto listing in detail why certain members of the class are cute, in front of the class. Chisame's reactions really makes it; rather recently there was, well, The Kissing Incident Up to Eleven. Finally we have pretty much all of the Eva and Naruto interactions. All of them. A stand out is when Naruto's hand accidently lands on Eva's chest:
"Flat," Naruto muttered.
"What. Did. You Say?"
"I-I-I'm gonna die for that, aren't I?"
"Yeah, and it is going to be slow and painful."
"Would it help if I said I was sorry?"
"No," Eva responded flatly.
"Okay. Would it help if I told you that I had video of you bugging out when Zero-chan called you mummy, you getting into a fight over Negi, and your face when I explained what I had to do to get my Master, all of which would be distributed around the school?"
Though the rest of the story is pretty bland, there is one amazing moment in the Harry Potter/Bleach crossover The Muggle With White Hair. Fred and George have dragged Toshiro to Quidditch tryouts against his will, and when Toshiro refuses to mount a broom, they comment about how he's probably too fragile to play a rough sport like Quidditch. Hyorinmaru then snarks "Need some ice for that burn, Toshiro?"
The Lyrical Nanoha/Ranma ½ crossover Nanoha 1/2 gives a threefold Crowning Moment to Ranma near the end of the Nanoha Classic arc, when Precia claims the last of the Jewel Seeds and starts on her Motive Rant to Fate and the TSAB. Moments after she starts talking, Genma notices that Ranma has disappeared from the Asura's bridge just as Lindy's troops move in to aprehend Precia. Precia, naturally, nukes the Red Shirts and keeps ranting, only for Ranma to make his reappearance. The AWESOME is how he slipped off the bridge, through the teleporter, and into the Garden of Time, dodged an area of effect spell potent enough to put down several squads of TSAB Space Marines and then escaped Precia's notice as long as he did. The FUNNY was stealing the Jewel Seeds literally out from under Precia's nose ("Yoink!") and then running away with them, Miyazaki Nodoka-style. The HEARTWARMING was how this affected Fate, who snaps out of the Heroic BSOD she'd been going into and manages to crack a smile despite everything she'd been put through in the last two minutes.
This fanfiction. It's a blend of Naruto and Ocarina of Time, and is one long Crowning Moment of Funny. It's hard to explain if you haven't read it, but it's one of the best crossovers/parodies that I've seen. Just... Read it, please? I'll be over here. Dying from a lack oxygen form laughing so hard...
The Open Door: "Unless the basic standards of manhood around here involving eating armed thermonuclear warheads and farting kittens while banging a harem of supermodels, I'm fairly certain you qualify as having balls of solid titanium in the manliness department." Pretty much all of Lars' exchange with Keiichi in that chapter, for that matter.
And a few chapters after that it's revealed that Lars is pregnant, and Skuld is the father.
Sephiroth!Harry: So, you're saying that there are no vampires, werewolves, nundu, dementors or anything else out there in the world that wants to hurt us. I'd think someone that fought so hard to add new creature legislation would know better. Not only that, if our course is to be taught in this manner from here on, then you are crippling the Ministry and the economy. A NEWT in Defense is required for Auror training, Curse Breaking, and all sorts of other positions. Some of which you are asserting that we need to rely on to keep us safe. So, which is it? Are you a patriot – training us to meet and exceed the standards set by the Ministry, or are you a traitor – weakening it from within?
Later Xander pulls several pranks on Superman to pay back Mxyzptlk for a favor the latter did. Said pranks include sending all the women at the Daily Planet a set of lead-lined underwear and a letter suggesting Superman is using his X-ray vision to peep on them, filling Lois Lane's bedroom with thousands of Furbys, stealing the batmobile and leaving it in Superman's apartment, wrapping Perry's office in saran-wrap before filling it with water and swordfish, bugging the Daily Planet with hundreds of devices that beep intermittently, and making Superman buy ice-cream for a group of kids.
Miss Jackie: "If by definition a Muggle or a Squib is someone who neither has the ability to generate or use magic, could it be their very person is a magical insulator or a grounder? I wondered why Hogwarts always had an honorable resident Squib. The practice dates back to the four founders, but no explanation was given in the history books. But if you think about the physical properties of magic, you could postulate magic will act more erratically in magic-rich environs without a Squib or a Muggle to ground it down. In other words, you might owe it to Mr. Filch for your ability to harness your magic so quickly and well here in Hogwarts."
Filch: "HEARD THAT? You brats only get to do any magic at all here because of me! ME!
The Daria/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story Sum of Their Parts has Glory and her entourage take Cameron Kim disguised as Dawn to Lawndale High so they can open the portal to Glory's hell dimension. They encounter Kevin, who works there as a janitor, but when Glory tries to brainsuck him... nothing.
There was much screaming and order was restored. Haruna, apparently, put much less emphasis on 'Magnificent'.
In the same chapter, Green LanternNanoha mistakes Negi for a girl (since almost all of her other allies are magical girls). Rather than correcting her, Ala Alba takes her mistake and runs with it, getting all of 3-A and the Dean to start treating Negi as a girl.
Light settled into one of the Lay-Z-Boy chairs in the Batcave and finished hacking into Batman’s secret files. Ryuk munched on a bowl of apple chips and played Mario Cart. “Hey, this is kind of fun, Light.” “There’s only one thing that Batman did wrong. He went too easy on the criminals.” “What do you mean,” Ryuk asked while picking up another handful of apple chips. “Take any of his major nemeses for example. The Joker, Mr. Penguin, The Riddler. He always captures them alive, and then they escape, and blow things up and kill innocent civilians just to piss Batman off.” Light twirled the pen in his fingers. “Now imagine Batman killed one of them instead.''
''“Of course, Superman does the same with Lex Luthor. You’d think he enjoys outsmarting him or something.” Ryuk laughed. “Isn’t that kind of like you and L?” Light whirled around in his chair to glare at Ryuk. “No, Ryuk, the situations are nothing alike. I plan on killing L as soon as I find out who he is.” Light paused to open another file on the computer. “But only if he’s a threat to me. And maybe now he won’t be.”
“Hyuk. I wonder what he’s gonna do when he finds out you left the country.” Light gave the Shinigami another brief glare. “Ryuk, there is nothing even remotely suspicious about a genius receiving a scholarship to study in another country. But let’s see. I can kill off a few of Batman’s villains and save innocents.” “Hey, but I thought you were going to play Batman. Doesn’t that mean you’re gonna dress up in the suit and cape and ride around in the Batmobile? I could ride in the Batmobile with you.” “No, Ryuk.” “I want to ride in the Batmobile.”
Sayu: So what's America like? Does everyone there look like they do in the movies?
Light: Of course not, Sayu.
Sayu: I saw this TV program last week, well, actually my friend and I were searching online for information on America, since I told her that you're studying there, and we found this one show where everyone was really fat since there's so much food there. Is it really like that? Hey, what if you get fat too, since you're living there? Do you have to eat a lot of hamburgers? Do you have to eat bread with every meal instead of rice?
Sayu: Do you have a girlfriend yet? Is she fat? Is it true that they have so many guns in America that everyone has to own one and learn how to use them? I heard they even sell guns in the grocery stores. Did you learn to use a gun yet?
Light: Yes. I've practiced shooting a few.
Sayu: MOM! Light's learning how to use GUNS in America!
The Batman/Catwoman shipper arc "Cat Tales" is consistently funny. In the first book, "A Girl's Gotta Protect Her Reputation", Catwoman decides to set the record straight regarding various falsehoods and rumors circulating around her(in other words, a fix-fic for everything that's happened to her since the "Officer Down" arc), by telling her side of the story...in a stand-up routine. A passage from her stage show:
So I’ve got the trinkets. Brunhilda is still snoring away. Cujo, the killer schnauzer, is still locked in the bathroom. I close the safe, restore the power, slide the window back exactly the way it was 8 minutes flat. Personal best for a private residence where I didn’t have the floorplan going in. I drop down to the alley – and there… he… is…The Batman. Caped Crusader. Dark Knight. Guardian of Gotham. Crime Fighter extraordinaire. I am Vengeance, I am Justice, I am in desperate need of a personality transplant… Batman. In full regalia – looking like Sir Lancelot dipped in tar but not yet feathered. And he speaks: “I don’t think those jewels belong to you.” (Beat) I salute you, World’s Greatest Detective.
And later, after Bruce sits through her performance and is forced to consider some hard home truths, he talks to Dick Grayson:
“Am I a self-absorbed, self-righteous, inflexible prig?” Dick suddenly felt like he was playing a LucasArts Adventure Game. He imagined four possible responses to Bruce’s question appearing under his chin:
That’s how I addressed your Fathers’ Day card.
Is that prig with an “R” Yes.
Why are you having new stationery made up?
YES YES YES! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND TRUE, YOU ARE THE KING AND LORD OF THE LAND OF SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRIGS!
And no matter which response the player chose, the character would say: “Why no, not at all. Why do you ask?”
Light pulled himself up to the counter, putting on his, 'I'm completely normaland if you don't believe me,I'll Kill You!,' façade. Evidently, it didn't work; the bartender simply continued to stare apprehensively at the faded blood-stain on Light's uniform before slowly reaching for his gun. Best not to trust soldiers. "He's going to shoot us, isn't he?" Nathanial watched as the bartender froze and carefully removed his hand from the vicinity of his rifle, noticing for the first time, perhaps, just how many weapons the rag-tag team had. "Someone's always trying to shoot us." Marcus was very apt in pointing things like this out, creating a philosophy that predicted all manner of reactions to their ensemble. The bartender made an inward estimate of the money he would lose through property damage. Damn foreign soldiers.
By the end of the night, it was difficult to decide whether Naomi was scarier drunk or sober. At least when she was sober, she had better aim and didn't attempt to have a sense of humor. Either way, everyone was disturbed.
Don't you just love to read pointless and poorly written garbage about fictional people's problems?
Well if you do you're a complete sadist but that's okay, you've come to the right place. This is the land where we step over the borderline from "tragic past" to "Loaded up with so many problems it's kind of sick". Sounds like fun huh?
Take a glance around the room and you will see our first victim. His name is L Lawliet. Although he possesses legions of adoring fans they all seem to be obsessed with torturing him. Let's take a closer look.
L sat sadly in task force headquarters. He felt his imminent doom hanging over his head as well as the pain of his unrequited love for unnamed love interest/dead love interest. This reminded him of all the tragic things that had happened to him, the things that kept him awake every night for fear of terrible nightmares (because this explanation of L's insomnia isn't complete rubbish at all).
He thought back to his childhood as a poor orphan boy. He thought about that flashback he was going to have later in the series when he died and how it showed how tragic a character he was.
It had all started when the young boy had to watch his family be brutally murdered. They were shot/burned/eaten/poisoned/exploded/forced to watch the Pokémon movies. It was a horrifying memory that would haunt the detective all his life.
After many heart-breaking scenes of carnage Watari brought the young L to Wammy's house. He was very emotionally scarred and had no friends. Then one day Watari brought two new children to the house, A and B.
L immediately fell in love with A/B/random other chick. Unfortunately they died. All of them. Violently. While still carrying his child. Right in front of him. Other wretched stuff.
In Lab Specimen Ryuk takes up writing Emo poetry in the Death Note while Light is incarcerated and the ensuing death is attributed to Kira:
Dreary and long are my days,
I have come to realize that
Perhaps I have made a mistake.
Understand I never meant to go this far;
Time will pass, and I hope
Someday you can forgive me.
Suffice to say, that is all.
I cannot undo the past.
Lord help me.
And like Kira's previous messages Ryuk's poem has a special hidden message: L IS STUPID
L: Are you trying to tell me something, Kira-kun?
Ryuk: Oh ho- it worked! I wasn’t sure if John Greene would write that before dying, but I guess it was vague enough that it worked! He wrote it in his own blood too! Too bad I couldn't watch him do it! That would have been fun.
L: I never knew Kira-kun had such an... emotional side. You should have been in the poetry club.
Ryuk: Oooh! Did you hear that? My poetry is good! It was fun to write too, I wonder if I could practice some more. What did you think, Light? Oh, I forgot, you can't talk to me, right.
Raito stormed off, and four hours after that, all the detectives gather around the television, torn between laughter and louder laughter when a gang known for kidnapping, gang-raping, and trafficking young girls and boys into prostitution all die of what appears to be autoerotic asphyxiation—bodies falling conveniently in a public square.
The chief squints. "Does that—?"
L narrows his eyes and drinks more coffee.
"Yeah," one of the others says.
"It totally does," another detective chimes in.
"L SUCKS DICK," the Chief reads.
Just under his breath, L mutters, "Not anymore, that's for damn sure."
Light changed L's screensaver to an ad for erectile dysfunction medication.
L has used his extensive knowledge of cryptology to code in things like "Perhaps we should reconsider our relationship and consider reapplying generous amounts of sex in the butt." (Though it frustrated him greatly, even L's awesome mind could not properly work the semantics of forensic pathology and the word "fucking" together.)
Raito raises one fine, fine brow at L when L says this, and replies, "On the other hand, perhaps the coroner wasn't thorough enough in his external examination—needle-punctures can be wildly difficult to locate and I have not yet abandoned the idea that some of these deaths could have been caused by the application of excessive insulin. Local law enforcement has, after all, been writing them off too easily on Kira."
After Raito has left the room, L says, "That was completely uncalled for."
"How will I know this wasn't just some dream when I wake up? Can't you do something to prove that you really are a ghost, and not just part of my mind?"
"Hmm," L briefly pondered. "Does it matter? Trying to prove my existence to you would be tedious. I don't think it would be worth the effort." He shifted around in the large chair, which was probably not cushioned enough for his tastes. The dead, it seemed, could also feel uncomfortable. "You'll just have to deal with matters of sanity on your own."
"They're in the sink," he says with a pharmaceutical smile.
"What? No," I gasp. 100% rare breed wool from the Shetland Islands. Woven by nuns. "They're dry clean only, you bastard!"
"Oh. That explains the strange colour of the water. I rinsed them through with boiling water and now they're soaking in cold water. Is that ok? I put ice in it. It's like suit mojito in the kitchen."
"Light, I'm sure that he just overlooked the washing guidelines," L sighs, putting his trousers on under the sheets. "You have other suits."
"Other suits? Other? Suits?"
B pulls my cigarette holder and lighter out of his pocket and holds them out to me. At least he didn't put them in the sink. "Here," he says. "Give yourself cancer."
"What time is it?" L asks.
"Just after ten."
"It was one of a kind. Only virgins can make suits like that," I moan while lighting a cigarette. "Do you know how hard it is to find a virgin these days? Let alone a virgin who's dedicated herself to God and weaving. There are no 'other suits' like that... And I looked fuck amazing in it."
L stares at me with a blank expression. He stares at me for quite a long time. I almost feel stupid after ten seconds. "Cry me a river."
Fine. No sympathy. No support. My suit's been destroyed and he doesn't give a shit. Fine.
Xanatos had quite a few, a lot of them involving Matt.
Chapter 1: Mello tries to prank Near by slipping hair dye in his shampoo. It backfired when Matt wound up using said shampoo, and came out of the shower with bright red hair!
"One more thing L; please enjoy this Rickroll courtesy of your worst nightmare,"
Matsuda: Aw damn! We've been Rickrolled!
Missing Sorta is full of these. Told from the Doctor's POV.
"By the way, Mr. Police Officer, sir, have you seen a stray police box anywhere? It’s blue... so high... and... no?"
The TARDIS is at a complete standstill, on the ground, and we are tearing towards it...
I whip out the sonic screwdriver and manage to open the TARDIS doors and we go careening through them, across the control room floor and out the other side, down the hall and smack right into the bins.
The engine dies and the siren gives out a sickly wail before it too falls silent. And all I can hear is my hearts hammering inside my chest and the police officer's heavy breathing.
"Did we catch it?" he says, gripping the wheel like a vice.
Later there's the instance where Voldemort makes Draco work with Hermione:
"Really, that's not the best of partnerships. You know they hate each other," Harry said. "Draco used to bring out the worst in me. He'll have no problems doing it to Herm—"
"I AM ONE WORD AWAY FROM KILLING YOU, MALFOY!! BACK OFF YOU WHINY LITTLE GIT!"
"YOU COULND'T KILL A FLY, GRANGER! NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, BUT THE FLIES CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF FILTH LIKE YOU. NOT EVEN THE LOWEST OF INSECTS WILL GO NEAR—"
By that time, Harry's eyes had been closed and he'd prepared for the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Though really, it sounded like heavy books hitting against flesh.
"My nose!" Draco wailed, his voiced clogged as if his nose was full of blood. "She broke my nose!"
"I told you," Harry said to Tom.
"Malfoy had that coming."
Tom and Harry turned towards the man who'd softly spoken the words. They'd forgotten he was even there. "He did," Harry said with a grin. "Yep!"
"You are dismissed," Tom murmured to Charleston. The Auror stood, bowed, and then departed.
"Is he a pureblood?" Harry asked curiously.
"You are such a hypocrite. Pureblood supremacy and blah blah blah..."
"And you are a bloody headache waiting to happen."
From the same fic there's this:
Harry led [Tom Riddle] over to a table and called for Tally. "Bring Master's victory cake," he instructed the moment she appeared. Tally bowed and instantly vanished again.
A minute later, Tom was staring down at the table where the house elf had returned and placed Harry's chocolate cake. Words were scrawled upon the top of the cake with white icing. The message read:Congratulations! You did something right!
[Auror Trainee Kenneth Worthington IV] opened the cell door and stopped dead in his tracks. Draco was curled up in the corner of the lower bunk pointing his wand at a piglet that was running in circles squealing in a panic while trying to find a way out.
Realizing that someone must have played a joke on the poor boy, Kenneth quickly stunned the disgusting animal and picked it up to remove it from the cell. Concerned, he turned to the boy and asked gently, "Are you okay, Mr. Malfoy?"
Draco had been in a blind panic when the brute of a man was about to mount him like some common tart that he almost forgot about the holdout wand that he kept up his sleeve that the auror didn't take when he was thrown inside. Unable to articulate a spell, he jabbed his wand at his attacker and his magic responded to his desperation and transfigured the man into a piglet.
He had curled into the corner of the bed and covered himself with the sheets while keeping his wand pointed at the pig in case his transfiguration failed. Suddenly, he realized that the squealing had stopped and the kind auror that helped him maintain as much of his dignity as possible was standing part way in the cell holding an unconscious pig.
Clearing his throat, Draco managed to sound as haughty as possible and half drawled, half shrieked, "No, I'm not alright! Some wanker threw a squealing pig from the kitchens in my cell!"
Blushing at the mild rebuke, Auror Worthington said hurriedly, "I'm so sorry, Milord. I'll make sure this pig finds its way back to the kitchens and report this to my superiors."
Smiling inwardly, Draco conciliatorily said, "Please forgive my rudeness. Someone just wanted to play a joke on me, I'm sure. No one needs to get into trouble on my account."
"As you wish, Sir." Kenneth answered with a smile before asking, "Do you need anything else to make you comfortable?"
Draco took a look at the pig slash would be rapist in the aurors' arms and said simply, "Perhaps a bacon sandwich and a spot of tea wouldn't be a bad way to start my morning after such a rude awakening."
In the fanfic Fauna's Fate Harry was abandoned by the Dursleys in an orphanage, and was found and adopted by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. At age 15, he enrolls in Hogwarts and is sorted into Slytherin. Naturally, there he has to deal with Draco Malfoy, who attempts to assert himself as the top dog. From the start, Harry calls Malfoy "Smallboy" in a reference to his relatively short stature. This nickname slowly makes its way around Hogwarts, culminating in a Transfiguration class in which, after Harry throws Malfoy's wand out of the window, McGonagall arrives and the following exchange takes place:
McGonagall: Take your seat, Mr. Malfoy. Malfoy: Professor McGonagall, Black threw... McGonagall: Your seat. Malfoy: But my wand... McGonagall: TAKE YOUR SEAT, MR. SMALLBOY!
The famous Lily/James diary-style fanfic Haggis from Algernon. The entire fucking thing, although anything related to the character of Helena Hodge is particularly hilarious. Also these lines:
James: Note to self: must teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.
James: You have a nice bum. I like your hair. Marry me, yeah?
Lily: I'll marry Snape just to piss him off. And then I'll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!
Lily: *about Sirius* Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.
Also, James leaving the Marauder's Map to Remus in his will, because he "doesn't trust the other two not to lose it."
Dumbledore: Yes, you see I managed to get a law passed that says you, Harry Potter, have to complete your education at Hogwarts where you will be constantly bombarded with all the people you don't want to see until we break you down and force you to forgive us.
It has recently come to my attention that you are gay.
This is of great concern to me. I know you have repeatedly said you will not join me, but I am still worried. I know I am dead sexy-
Harry: That's what it says.
Ron: Oh yeah. I know loads of girls who are completely turned on by a guy with no body.
Voldemort's letter:but I feel obliged to tell you that I am straight.
Ron: Hey, 'mione. Do you reckon that means you have a shot with him?
Hermione: Shut up, Ronald.
Voldemort's letter:Now, I am unsure of how much Dumbledore has told you, but I have another reason for concern. A prophecy exists involving us.
I know what the first half says. To summarize, someone has the power to vanquish me.
Now, my reason for concern is that I fear you are the one who is suppose to vanquish me. I fear you are going to try and do this through sex. That is the reason for this letter.
Harry: Voldemort wrote me a letter because he thinks I am going to bugger him to death. My life has reached a new low.
Voldemort's letter:I also would like to tell you that I have several followers who are, um, indecisive in regards to their preferred gender. While it is good that you have picked one, I must say I believe you made the wrong decision. Women are great. Just the other day, I was remembering my later years at Hogwarts. There is a broom cupboard that is perfect for-
Harry: NO. I'm not reading the rest of it. There are two pages that go into great detail regarding why I shouldn't be gay.
Hermione: Skip ahead.
Voldemort's letter:In conclusion, do not be gay. If you neglect this piece of advice, take another. Do not be gay with me. It will anger me, but it will not vanquish me. Now I turn the rest of the parchment over to Wormtail, who so generously wrote this for me, as I still lack a body. That does not make me any less sexy, though.
Wormtail's message:Harry, if you still feel the need to be gay after my master's wonderful reasoning of why not to be, then let me say this. Your father, had I not gotten him killed, would not think any less of you for who you are. Indeed, many times with I believe both Sirius and later Remus-
Tonks: "Uh Hermione? When cornering a suspect, the proper course of action is to ask for them to surrender. Not yell, 'What did you call me?!', blow them up, laugh, blow up the rubble, laugh some more, blow up the rubble of the rubble, then say, 'Who's the bitch now, bitch?'."
"That's the Black family tree, the original document. It was attached to the wall with a Permanent Sticking Charm, so we had to wait for the next full moon and get our resident werewolf to gnaw it off, but I think he made a pretty neat job of it. No damage to the tapestry."
"What are you all doing out here?" Severus inquired of the group that appeared to be gathered outside of a particular room.
"Shush." One of the robed men whispered to him, jostling for a position closer to the door.
Snape felt his wand hand twitch at the blatant disrespect showed him. Here he was, one of the highest ranking Death Eaters –that being the inner circle – told, as if he were a child, to be quiet. "Who is in there?"
"My Lord and the vampire." Said another which was quickly followed by, "Now shut up, I can't hear."
Severus grimaced. When had the Death Eaters lowered themselves to a show of voyeurism? And on the Dark Lord of all people! The whole lot of them had to be damn near suicidal.
"I've never heard of that one."
"There went the table."
Severus turned a touch green. He didn't need, nor want to know what happened between his masters. It was bad enough just having the knowledge that they were intimate; he didn't need to eavesdrop as well.
"Oh, the whip again!"
"I can't believe that vampire holds up so well."
"Well, you know what they say…."
"Big things in small packages?"
The group snickered. Snape turned abruptly on his heal and marched away as fast as he could without it appearing like he was fleeing.
"Wonder where he's going?"
"Don't know, but he's always been a bit squeamish. Especially of late."
"Still, the curses they're using are amazing."
The Lie I've Lived. After his battle with the Dementors at the end of PoA, Harry finds out that he has all his dad's memories, courtesy of all the weird magic flying around the night Voldemort tried to kill him. When he tells Sirius:
Harry: Didn't I tell you to shut it? It shook loose something all right, but it wasn't power. I found all of Prongs's memories in my head â€“ the entire life and times of James Potter. Sirius: If you're having one on me, Harry, this isn't a funny joke. Harry: If I was having one on I'd tell you I have Lily's memories and now I'm gender confused.
An honourable mention must go to the way HJ (as he styles himself soon after the events spoiler-tagged above) deals with the First Task. It has to be read to be believed, but to give you some idea of the sheer Crazy Awesome of it, the only reason Albus denied him a perfect ten was because he committed the cardinal sin of covering a Rolling Stones song other than "Ruby Tuesday".
Make a Wish basically consists entirely of these: After finding out about the prophecy in book 5, Harry decides to have a bit of fun before his inevitable end at the hands of Voldemort and goes on a world trip. He travels from country to country in the disguise of "Mr. Black" and due to an egregious amount of dumb luck and strange coincidences, he dispatches Death Eaters and other bad guys left and right without really realizing what he is doing. The whole time, "Mr. Black" is watched by various magical law enforcement organizations, reporters, etc. who are convinced that Harry's bumbling around is actually a case of Obfuscating Stupidity. When Harry returns to England, "Mr. Black" is dreaded all over the world as the biggest badass dark-wizard-killer of known history, who is older and more powerful than Merlin himself, was responsible for the sinking of Atlantis, etc. pp.
Which gets an even more hilarious shoutout in the [[Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!]] fanfic where Harry is a Master thief and breaks into various houses. However, he hasn't been around in public and Dumbledore and various other Wizards are musing as to what he might be up to. Suddenly a Wizard yells that "Harry has changed his name to Black and is secretly kicking Voldemorts ass!". This does gets dismissed but had this troper in stitches.
The Man in Draco's Bed is basically made of this. A desperate Lucius, standing in Malfoy Manor's entrance hall, pointing a gun to his own temple, says it all: “THAT’S IT. I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I’VE GOT BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING “SCRATCH THE KITTY” WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO’S EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT…IS… NOW … OFFICIALLY …OVER!”
...she quite wanted to accelerate James’ mass with the amount of force necessary to place him straight in the path of one of the tree’s flailing branches. She didn’t, though. Mainly because she thought it wouldn’t get her her wand back any time before Gladderbee’s Comet came round again (Gladderbee’s Comet passes the Earth every five hundred years, and only if it happens to be a year in which a leprechaun of the age of six hundred and sixty-nine years old has died standing up, his left eye closed in a wink, while he is having a flirtation with a fairy with green wings. In the entire infinite expanse of time, Gladderbee’s Comet has only passed the Earth an extra-ordinary total of zero consecutive times)
Also, Lupin's reaction to Lily's behavior in the hospital wing.
- "Thanks Sirius," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."
- "Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked Sirius.
"Of course I do!"
"Alright then, name one."
"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."
"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.
"Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends."
- Sirius puts a spell on James that forces him to only speak in rhyme: "Your name is Sirius Black. You are on crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"
- Just everything to do with the Peenapul sisters. Everything.
- "Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs see's Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? Historical figures."
- Remus made a hellish glare. "Bend over before I bite you."
- All of James' suicide attempts. Particularly the one where he tries to drown himself in the lake: "Hey, they're my handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."
- "Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.
Remus looked at him indcredulously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"
"Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."
James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.
"Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.
Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"
- The entire scene when James and Peter walk in on Sirius tying Remus up so he can force feed him Polyjuice Potion and jump to the wrong conclusion.
- When James lampshades the fact the Sirius a lot of the songs that Sirius keeps singing haven't been written yet (because it's set in the 70's.)
- Sirius' version of the Lord' Prayer: "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice- especially toast- trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad.”
- Sirius singing 'Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting' and Remus threatening to leap off the back of their broom if he didn't shut up.
- James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Pettigrew missing the train and attempting to walk to Hogwarts: "Sirius suddenly thought of an ingenious idea and stopped walking, making the others take attention to him. "Oooow," he moaned, rather theatrically. He put the back of his hand to his head and groaned again, hovering a foot in the air. "My foot hurts," he shot an inclining look at Remus, "Moony, could you be a doll and-"
"Don't even think about it."
- Sirius' letter to Dumbledore explaining that they missed the train that got exceedingly off-topic:
Just writing a note to tell you we are cool (teenage slang word for fine and well).
No need to worry about us, especially me since I am exceedingly missed, mostly by Professor McGonagall who is probably reading this over your shoulder and was in your office because she was giving you a spanking! OH YEAH, SIRIUS BLACK KNOWS ALL, MATE. Don't think that I haven't seen you two do footsie under the teachers' table in the great hall, you two! If you don't give me a million galleons by tomorrow evening at seventeen hundred hours, I will be forced to declare your TEACHERS SEX to the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the breakfast table. DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT, MATEY-
- Remus eyed Sirius' trouser pocket with suspicion, the clothing looking more active than usual. "You can let him out now."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Peter. You can let Peter out now."
"That's funny, 'cos I thought you were referring to my-"
"Don't even," Remus cut in shortly.
- Sirius calling everyone 'papoose' as both an insult and a term of endearment, despite Remus' frequent protests that that neither is the real definition.
- A conversation between James and Sirius about Remus' 'furry little problem' leads Frank Longbottom to believe that they're planning an orgy with a rabbit.
- Sirius' alternating names for Hogsmeade whilst drunk: Hoogamed, Hogmeedy and Hoggasmed.
- "Yawning, James was about to make his way to his dorm for bed, when he remembered Lily was still unconscious on the floor – sadly remembering it too late as he tripped over one of her strewn arms with a "What the bugger!" "
- "I really think getting drunk in a forbidden forest is a bad idea. You're likely to get molested by a centaur," said James.
"Ugh," Sirius shuddered. "You know what the worst part about that would be? They'd probably do it while commenting every few seconds, 'Mars is bright tonight'."
"The way they go on about the luminosity of Mars you'd think it was decorated in Christmas tree lights."
"I wish it was so I could actually see it in the sky for once when a centaur remarks about it."
- He looked over her shoulder and scanned the note; his face quickly matched Lily's. "My, it appears to be drawings of stick people."
"Labeled after us," Lily pointed to their names. "And what exactly are the stick people doing, James?"
He had a feeling she very well knew what the diagrams of the stick people were doing - she just wanted to embarrass him. And she was doing an exceptional job of it, turning him redder than ever.
"They're…" He cleared his throat. "They're having… sex, in various impossible positions." He met Lily's eyes and looked apologetic. "I swear I did not draw those-"
"Sirius," Lily presumed before he went on. "For someone who you've said has never even had sex, it's rather alarming that he knows so many ways to… apparently break your groin."
"Especially in that one," James tapped the parchment with a squirm. "We should leave this around to freak out some first years."
Lily stared at him. "And that is why Dumbledore chose you as Head Boy."
Palimpsest has this conversation between Harry and Draco while they're chained up in a dungeon for detention:
Harry: "Hang around here often?"
Draco: "No, first time for me. Do Muggles do this a lot?"
Harry: "I suppose it had to happen, sooner or later. I mean, if Filch never got to chain anyone up, no one would take him seriously anymore, would they?"
Draco: "True, true. But even though it's an old, traditional, and customary punishment, I'm not really certain Father will consider my present situation one likely to add luster to the Malfoy name."
Harry: "So, sucks to be you?"
Draco: "Sucks and double sucks. Professor Snape is my Godfather. What he leaves will, sooner or later, get worked over by Father. For my own good. For letting down the name."
Harry: "Belt or cane?"
Draco: "Please, please, Potter. We're an old and magical family. Belt and cane are so… Muggle. Pain and humiliation have been studied for hundreds of years by my family. You couldn't understand…"
Harry: "Sucks to be you. I'm sorry, and I don't even like you. And we two didn't even start it! I mean, here we are, and… why?"
Draco: "Malfoys lead, even when we don't. Uneasy lies the head that wears the… hair? All of a sudden I'm not feeling all that witty. I'll just get quiet, and… panic. Ah, you're not bad company, Potter."
In Partially Kissed Hero, Harry needs to distract Dumbledore, so he dupes the entire Wizarding government of England into thinking that the evil American muggle Colonel Harland Sanders (KFC) and his cronies Barney the Dinosaur and a doughboy from Pillsbury are out to kill them with eleven herbs and spices.
Possibly even better is when, after Harry hires most of Hogwarts's house-elves, the now understaffed Hogwarts elves start bringing in food from outside instead of cooking dinner themselves to cut down the workload—starting with hundreds of buckets of KFC. Dumbledore has a heart attack upon seeing it and is dragged away screaming about how eleven herbs and spices were going to poison them all.
While an amusing idea, a fair warning: It would have been funny... if it weren't for the massive canon rape, brutality, gore, massive rapes, idiot plot and beyond measure "psychopathic morality" to enjoy. Is like a combination of Naked Empire, Paladin of Shadows with Hostel but badly written. And its a "serious" work. This troper (reading from the above link)was to horrorified by this point to even chuckle.
But, that said, if you ignore that it is quite fun to read. Just don't actually think about what happens in it much or their implications.
Ron: I'll live. Besides, if you're going to go through with this, you might want to do it while Hermione's upstairs. *looks longingly at his sandwich* If it works, I'll only sick the thing up.
Harry: Accio Pettigrew's heart!
Ron: Harry, open the window!
Harry: Crap. Forgot about that!
Slip of the Tongue (warning, this fic contains explicit sex) All of it is hilarious. But particularly:
- Snape rather hoped Lockhart would swish a little too enthusiastically by the fire and go up in flames.
- He could catch up on his professional journal reading, as he was falling behind due to having to deal with idiotic fellow faculty, dunderheaded DADA instructors who were neither competent in the Dark Arts nor qualified to be instructors ... or he could drink until his eyes crossed and fall into bed.
The last option sounded best.
- (Just after the sex scene) It was lovely. Incredible. Wonderful.
It was Lockhart.
Snape gave up the fight and fainted dead away.
- Finally, and worst of all, the randy peacock not only sat next to him, but then began to rattle on about what a wonderful couple they made and how he couldn't wait to have another rendezvous and do it all again.
Flitwick, Hooch and McGonagall gave him identical looks of complete shock, then Snape was appalled to see money exchange hands. Hooch looked quite smug afterward.
He was simply going to have to kill them all.
Or perhaps just himself.
Or maybe just Dumbledore.
Still undecided, he stormed away from the breakfast table and hid in his laboratory until he could safely sneak up to Dumbledore's office. Not that he would admit he hid, nor sneaked, although he did indeed do both.
Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.
That did it. He had to kill Dumbledore. He opened his mouth to say exactly that when it hit him that he couldn't kill Dumbledore. For one thing, Dumbledore wouldn't let him. For another, of the lot of them, Dumbledore was the least expendable.
"Please," he begged, unashamed. "Kill me now."
The twinkle disappeared in a wave of shock. "Erm," Dumbledore said very slowly, "toffee?"
"Or I'll simply have to kill Lockhart. No one would miss him. Truly. Honestly. Who would miss him? I wouldn't! You wouldn't! Nobody would! OUCH!" he yelped as he forgot for a moment, in the heat of his plea, and sat down directly on his abused bum. He popped back up to his feet, alternately glaring balefully and staring pleadingly at Dumbledore.
In Some Other Beginning's End when mentor!Voldemort learns that Harry is completely illiterate in runes, parseltongue or otherwise:
Voldemort: You are going to be able to read and write fluently in both alphabets within the next decade, Harry. Which would you like to learn first?
Harry: I guess Parseltongue. If for nothing else, it'll be interesting to read something by another parselmouth. I can see it now: 'Muggles Are Dumb and Stinky' by Salazar Slytherin, and the sequel: 'Yeah, What He Said,' by Tom Marvolo Riddle.
Voldemort: I will have you know that neither Salazar Slytherin nor myself have published any books, and if we had – they would certainly be about more important things than muggle bashing.
Harry: Right, of course. He'd also have written 'Godric Gryffindor is a Poo-Poo Head' and then you'd have: 'So is Harry Potter'.
Professor Snape: Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe: The Dark Lord himself, an incompetent fraud, a werewolf, a death eater in league with the Dark Forces, and a giggling sadist in a league well beyond the Dark Forces. Needless to say, your education in this subject leaves a little to be desired. From which any reasonable person would conclude that it is a very, very bad idea to let a 116 year old man make hiring decisions all by himself. But for some reason, the rest of Dumbledore's starry-eyed staff refuses to see things that way. Given this appalling lack of proper instruction, I am surprised - no, impressed, dammit- that so many of you scraped a passing grade in this subject. I cannot imagine where you all learned so much about Defense Against the Dark Arts, especially since you were taught by Professor Umbridge last year, who wouldn't recognize the Dark Lord if he were sitting right in front of her.
Tom Riddle (disguised as Draco Malfoy): Well, I'm glad we've got you teaching us this year, then, sir.
Then there's the instance where the identity of Harry's boyfriend becomes known:
"I have a suggestion," put in Remus Lupin mildly. "Why don't we all sit down and listen to what Harry has to say?"
"Wonderful idea, love." Sirius beamed at him and ruffled his hair affectionately, but McGonagall sighed deeply.
"Sit down and listen? That's all well and good, Remus - but that boy is Voldemort, for Merlin's sake! He's going to kill Harry, and the rest of us too, if he gets a chance. He needs to be disarmed."
"All right." Harry stuck his hand in Tom's pocket and pulled out his wand. He placed the wand in the middle of the kitchen table. "There. I disarmed the Dark Lord." He kissed Tom softly on the lips. "It was a spectacular duel. Can we talk now?"
McGonagall eyed Tom warily. "Maybe he's got some other wands hidden somewhere. Better check, Harry."
"Happy to..." Harry brushed his hands over Tom, and Sirius muttered: "Oh, get a room, boys!"
*I will eat you up! I will eat... I will rip.. Tear...*
* Oh, are you hungry, then?* Harry reached out and petted the hard greenish scales gently. *That's not surprising, actually. It's got to be hard to find enough food when you are this size...*
* I will eat you!* insisted the serpent.
Harry had to laugh. *Oh, no, Mr. Basilisk, I'm not food. And neither is Tom, of course. But if you hang on a minute, I'll find you some sausages or something - the Slytherin boys always sneak some up to the common room with them after lunch. Ron always seems to get hungry in the late afternoon, and Crabbe and Goyle as well. Oh, but I do have an apple in my pocket.* Harry produced the apple and handed it to the poor snake. The apple looked ridiculously tiny compared to the vast green serpent. *It's not a lot for you to eat when you are this size, of course, but if we just shrink you down a little...There!*
The next moment, the huge shape looming above them was gone, and in its stead, a pretty footlong snake stared up at Harry with golden eyes. *What... How did you get so big?*
Harry laughed and picked up the snake. *I didn't get bigger; you just got a little smaller, Mr. Basilisk. Here, try the apple - it should be a lot more filling now.*
The serpent hesitated for a moment, then gulped down the apple and looked hungrily at Harry's arm. It was a good thing Harry had dimmed the Basilisk's vision, or he might have had a little stony patch on his forearm right now! Or maybe the petrifying gaze only worked if you looked back with your eyes?
Harry turned to Tom with a smile. "Come on, Tom! Let's go get him some sausages. He still seems hungry."
But Tom just stood there for a long moment, staring at Harry with his wide silver-grey eyes. How curious that Tom, who was usually made of nothing but words, now suddenly seemed to be at a loss for them!
The running gag about Terra being far too trusting.
"[insert someone here] paused for a moment. '... Yes.'"
Ventus's inability to swear.
Aqua's dirty, dirty mind.
Aqua: Seven men! Seven men!'
"Agh? Zero Gravity?"
"Aqua, what the hell!"
"Sorry! That played out much better in my head!"
As well as Master Eraqus walking in on his students in a very comprimising situation, getting exactly the wrong idea, and telling them a story from his youth with all of them taking it exactly the wrong way.
Pain in the Axel. ALL OF IT. A few parts that stand out are Demyx leaping right up onto the ceiling light because he thinks his sitar is a demon and ate Axel, Marluxia cuddling his scythe like a teddy bear and singing songs from ''Oklahoma'', the results of Axel putting a sleeping Roxas on Larxene's bed, Marluxia having to wear Larxene's bathrobe, Axel and Roxas finding the Philosopher's Stone in Vexen's lab, Zexion screaming so loudly it literally shakes the castle when he sees his face has been drawn on, and Xemnas falling down every flight of stairs in the castle after slipping on the plastic honey bear Roxas threw out the window.
Boromir Looks like we’re the only ones not gettin’ any tonight.
Gimli Don’t look at me Son of Gonads. I mean Gondor!
Aragorn Well then, talk dirty to me Legolas.
Legolas "Mud. Grime, um, dirt?"
Aragorn slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. He’d forgotten that Elves could be SO literal.
Not to mention Boromir's inability to say anything other than 'shit, shit, shit!'
‘Shit, shit and shit.’ mumbled the frustrated Son of Gonad, I mean Gondor. (Boromir sends dagger glares at the author.)
"Frodo, the temperature seems just fine to me..."
"No, no Legolas. I’m not talkin’ temperatures, unless you mean I’m burnin’ up because of you."
"Are you ill?" asked an alarmed Legolas.
Frodo smacked his forehead. Legolas inclined his head, waiting for Frodo to continue and wondering why mortals always hit their heads around him.
Limyaael's (yes, that one) serial-Reality Ensues fic The Game of the Gods is made of funny from start to finish, but the best moments come courtesy of Varda's probably-unwise-in-hindsight decision to let Fëanor play a round. He promptly ran off at the end of the chapter and began to cause as much chaos as elvenly possible. Morgoth winds up hiding under the table several times.
In "Alternative Strategy", when The Avengers and the Fantastic Four are informed by the President of the imminent passage of the SHRA, they immediately announce their retirement and begin loudly announcing plans for the future, which involve Reed creating a synthetic gasoline that would put American oil companies out of business. A suddenly terrified President immediately announces he would veto the SHRA sight unseen.
Reed: I was waiting for Johnny to get off the phone … talking to some girl … and I devised a method for creating artificial gasoline. VP: You invented a new form of gas? Reed: I never liked Sudoku.
"Steve pauses, taking in the picture before him: Tony in a ratty t-shirt and sweats, flour streaked from his waist to his hair, an abandoned spatula in a bowl filled with goopy substance, the canister of syrup sitting to the side.
“I didn’t know you cooked,” he says. Tony isn’t sure whether to be gratified or offended. He goes with gratified, because that’s just better all around.
“Yes!” he says. “I can cook. I’m a great cook. Of pancakes. Do you want some pancakes?”
Jesus. If he’s going to turn into a babbling mess every time Steve talks to him, he should just quit now. Or perhaps invest in some index cards.
...Then again, having to whip out index cards every time he talks to Steve would be kind of terrible. Also, what if he drew one that was unrelated to the conversation?
"So you mean Shepard's actually getting off on imagining us all having sex with each other?" Tali asked.
"Apparently so." Miranda said, scowling. "Disgusting though the thought may be. I can just picture her sitting alone at night, coming up with all these perverted scenarios."
"Yes," Kelly said. "She must be spending hours in her quarters, sitting at her terminal, probably naked. Touching herself as she writes. Her beautiful face illuminated only by the light from the screen as she brings herself to orgasm, her mind empty of everything but sex, sex, sex! Oh!" The Yeoman gasped. "I think I need to lie down."
Tali gave the Yeoman a dubious look and decided it was just better to ignore her from now on.
Oh christ Jack's F-bombs are hilarious. Half the sentences are bleeped and the other half is Noodle Implements
And in the end, Thane comes in, Jacob nearly shoots him, and then a fight happens.
Grunt is somewhat confused by the whole thing (the tank's imprints don't mention mating rituals), gets bored halfway through, and starts randomly headbutting the walls.
Rainbow Dash being so stunned by the Sisters' performance that that she distorts space and time until she and everything around her are frozen in place.
Spike: Whoa, that's freaky.
Granny's Smith's team of masseuses.
Celestia's "little favor" she asks of the pie chef.
“Oh dear,” she said, “I seem to have some difficulty with my bunghole.”
Pretty much every time bunghole is used in a sentence.
What Rarity Needs has Pinkie Pie learning to express disappointment.
Pinkie: Oh no. That's bad. How do we express disappointment? I know, a party! No! Bad Pinkie Pie! Parties are only for good things. This is a Bad Thing. How do ponies express bad things? I know! Cursing! Rarity: Darling, wha-? Pinkie: FUCK A MAILBOX. SHIT DAMN. ASS. Rarity: Pinkie Pie, dear, don't be vulgar! ...Especially when you're so bad at it...
This excerpt from Ask Me No Questions. (Yes, team 7 is Sasuke/Naruto/Hinata, and YES they fought a Shoggoth. (They're now in an alternate world now.)
The description of the shoggoth was particularly vivid, as well as their various experiences inside the beast. Sasuke used a minor genjutsu, with permission from the adults who knew it was harmless, to give a brief recap of it chasing them out of the swamp, which he still remembered in vivid clarity. "Oh, my. I'm certainly glad we don't have those in our world," Sarutobi said grimly. "Really?!" Naruto asked. "No. I've fought some amazing things, including the Kyubi, but I've never seen or heard of anything like that," Kakashi confirmed, feeling a little proud of 'his' students. They paused to consider that amazing revelation that even some of the fundamental stuff of their world was not the same in the new one. Then, very seriously, Sasuke walked over and gave Kakashi a hug. Kakashi was, needless to say, somewhat freaked out by this. "Best. Alternate." Hinata began. "World. EVER!" Naruto cheered. "Woohoo! No shoggoths! Goodbye nightmares, hello sweet dreams! Forget trying to fix things," he said, turning to the Hokage. "Can we stay? Please?"
Ibiki:That's right! You must be some kind of god damn genius! Genin Uzumaki! You are the only bug in the room that managed to get my question right."
In Hell And Back Naruto has spent over 50 years in Hell (though only 3 for everyone else) and when he finally uses a real bathroom, he falls to his knees in joy. Tsume even asks if she should give him and the latrine some time alone.
While building levees in Naruto: Myoushuu no Fuuin, Naruto comes up with the idea to use seals to turn the annual flood into a lake and tells Kakashi to figure out how big a lake they'll need while Naruto designs the seal. After Sakura repeatedly corrects his math, Kakashi throws her the scroll and turns to Sasuke.
Kakashi: "So, you come up with a way to make me feel inadequate and completely superfluous today, too?"
Sasuke: "Well, I could show you my two sharingan eyes if you really want." * Kakashi shoves him into a pile of sand bags.*
During training, he meets a cute girl who proves not to be a girl at all, but a guy who Naruto suspects to be a girl after all. By the time he gets to wondering why a girl would pretend to be a guy pretending to be a girl and whether he - or she - was really a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl, the girl - who actually might be pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl - had already left. He had a headache by the time hermaphroditism entered his theories about the girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl, or boy pretending to be a girl. Then he knocked himself out.
"And then...well...so now…you see…this thing...oh, how can I explain this? Give me a moment."
"So um," The Bum was writing on his notepad, wearing glasses and trying to figure out what happened next in the movie. "there're more strange dialogs, monologs, ass-ologs. More random flashbacks and cut-scenes…a floating head of a panda…an upside-down chicken mask…a heavily-armed clown…Michael Jackson…"
The Bum was drawing alien symbols and calculating mathematical equations on a chalk board, still clueless about the rest of the movie. "So there are these Rei clones appearing spontaneously…um, whoever they touch turns into carrot juice…then there are some people walking into a theatre…and oh yeah, Michael Jackson."
And then, at the end, he finally snaps...
"So let's review this…there's an Eva pilot who has a fetish on exposed hospital patients, an officer who likes to have sex with young boys and a Lieutenant who's secretly a lesbian working in a special agency."
"WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC SCREWBALL WROTE THIS SCRIPT? I bet the entire animation staff were high on drugs during the entire production! Even I could have made a better movie than them!"
"For roughly ten seconds Asuka's sleep deprived and overly stressed mind continued to fantasize about his guardian. His hand under no actual central control found a happy little friend that was standing by the curbside that morning. 'Oh hello there Little Asuka how are you today?' the hand asked. Little Asuka's reply way 'I'm a little lonely how about you and I dance for awhile?' To which the hand joyously said, 'I thought you'd never ask, lets dance to Misato's fucking hot?' Little Asuka let Mr. Hand lead with a parting, 'I think I can get to like that song.'"
In Deus ex Evangelion, Shinji got swallowed by the Eva during his first battle, and Asuka needs to be flown in to be his replacement. Later on, Toji's revealed as the Fourth Child about ten episodes early. After the Gaghiel fight, he asks Asuka out on a date. Right in front of the "Eva". Cue a silent If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her... moment between the two.
The fanfic Mobile Fighter Evangelion has lots of funny moments, like Pen-Pen and one of Ritsuko's cats piloting Gundams, Ritsuko as a Mad Scientist and Gendo "taking revenge" on SEELE at the third chapter.
Sonic The Hedgehog
Sonic Evil Reborn Zero has one during Episode 14, "Dance of The Dead" when Knuckles avoids a trap door in Eggman's base, mulls over Jynx, and winds up walking into the trap door.
Chris: "Yeah, here's the problem. The words 'Satan' and "promise" don't go very well together."
Also in Episode 65 when Vector discusses his plan to get Tails and Cosmo together:
Vector: "We gotta make sure Tails enjoys his time and has fun with her."
Charmy: "You mean they're gonna have-"
Vector: "Not THAT kind of fun!"
While everything by canis_takahari on LJ is basically solid gold, her Kirk/McCoy fic Fever deserves special mention for Jim's landshark maneuver. All you need is the Jaws soundtrack and you're good:
Approximately six seconds later, he’s belly-crawling along the ‘Fleet-issued cord carpet toward the bedside table. McCoy is snoring lightly, sprawled motionless on the mattress. For a moment, there is utter stillness in the room as Jim slithers up alongside the storage unit and then rises over the edge of the bed like a creature emerging from the black lagoon. McCoy-centric observation proceeds for the next thirty seconds as Jim watches the steady rise and fall of his chest, only the top of his head visible, and then he disappears below once more.
Also, this: (a very sexual conversation has just been had)
James T. Kirk sent to Leonard H. McCoy: ...Do you think the Academy monitors the text-only comm feeds?
Christopher Pike sent to James T. Kirk and Leonard H. McCoy: Yes, Kirk, it does. For the record, I hate you both.
Leonard H. McCoy sent to James T. Kirk: jim you have exactly one hour to get your sorry ass off-planet before I come find you and put my boot through your pelvis
 Here we have "Is wegetable fornication." courtesy of Chekov, as well as:
"McCoy to Chapel." He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. "Bingo!"
"Son of a Bitch!" Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. "We're hardly ten minutes in, there's no way you've got five this fast!"
"Jim has a remarkable collection." Bones is fucking gleeful. "You'd be amazed."
"Gimme that!" Jim snatches the PADD from Bones' hand just as Chekov's leaning in to get a look. He glances over the table currently being displayed. Blinks and reads the title again. "STD Bingo? Bones!"
 The one in which poor Spock is unable to remove an unwanted, sleepwalking Kirk from his bed:
Kirk: "So I don't know, maybe I sleep walked to a warm place," said Kirk.
Spock: That is a logical possibility, allowed Spock. However, I would appreciate it very much, Captain, if you would awake-walk back to your own quarters, and take that animal with you.
The fourth time Spock woke up to the captain in his bed was approximately thirty point two seven seven five minutes after the third time. The captain had somehow managed to transport himself, the cats, the tribble and the woolly afghan back into Spock's bed, despite a security lock that shocked intruders first and asked for identification later. It occurred to him that the tribble smelled slightly of electricity. There were times when Spock wished with all his human heart that James Kirk actually was, to quote Dr McCoy again, as dumb and pretty as he looked.
Spock: Captain, I have no desire to actually know why your shirt states that the viewer has been very naughty and should go to your room, or why that action is requested, but by Lt Uhura's reaction, I am assured it is neither appropriate nor professional.
"Hey," said the captain feelingly. "Did you nerve pinch me again? You know I hate it when you nerve pinch me."
"I apologize, Captain, but I had not expected you to invade my bed again," said Spock.
"I didn't 'invade' your bed!" argued the captain, sitting up.
"You put yourself, two cats, a tribble, and a hand-knit bed covering in my bed, and then told me we should keep meeting like this," said Spock.
Nero: You think he likes me? I mean like likes me. He's so dreamy.
Ayel: Perhaps chaining him down in Engineering is not a proper way to express your affection.
Nero: But I don't want him to get away!
Nero: I'm sure you have many questions for me. I have only one for you. What's your sign, baby?
Pike stared. And stared some more, his mouth working soundlessly. There was dead silence.
It was finally broken by a sharp, resounding smack.
The palm print on Ayel's forehead lasted for days.
ThisStar Trek: Enterprise fanfic, in which the entire main cast save Captain Archer is transformed into sentient, talking animals. While the entire thing is hilarious, easily the funniest bit is Malcolm Reed, who greatly enjoys blowing things up and can think of any number of truly unpleasant ways to kill anything, stalking around as a perpetually offended, always-dignified, blue-grey-eyed, black-furred... house cat. Who absolutely turns into a boneless pile of kitty goo for belly rubs. To the point where he earns the moniker "Lieutenant Floppy Puddle of Ecstasy." Please note there is mention of Archer/Reed slash, although it's not explicit.
Not to mention Travis breaking his leg...again. And Malcolm freaking out over Porthos and climbing onto Archer's head.
Kirk: Oh well thank you for your input interpreter Khan. Weren't you supposed to be able to negotiate with these highly evolved snake-people, or whatever the hell they are; being such a brilliant parcelmouth and all.
"I'm making this an order." Kirk fixed them both with the old Kirk steely eye. "One of you is going to give me a celebratory fistbump in the -next minute, or so help me God I will not budge from this cell."
"Are you going to cry if no one fistbumps you?" McCoy said. "Will this destroy your self-esteem?"
"I'm a sensitive man, Bones," Kirk said. "A sensitive man with needs. Among them the need to hella fistbump."
McCoy turned on Spock and lifted his eyebrow, to which Spock said nothing, but lifted his eyebrow in turn, and then they had a really intense conversation with their eyebrows, apparently: an eyebrow up here, an eyebrow down there, like they were world-class eyebrow gymnasts and this was the final round for the world cup. Belt? Gold tweezers. Kirk was way too drunk for this.
Psychotic Man Slayers, a fanfic of Knights of the Old Republic is about Carth managing to piss off all the women on the Ebon Hawk (except Juhani, who he pissed off in the previous story). The crowning moment is not when Dyran (Male Revan) sends Carth a despairing 'HELP ME' look. The crowning moment is not when Mission says, 'You're old and I hate you!' either. It's not even when Bastila is caught eating chocolate cake, and ends up slapping Carth and apologising for it. Oh, no. It's when Canderous, of all people, reveals that all the women on the ship have synchronised PMS. Carth's response is priceless.
He was only considering the implications to a possible pregnancy in terms of how it would affect his sex life in the upcoming days, and she was only considering how it would affect her reputation. They truly deserved one another. At least Bella would never be tormented by a situation such as that. No, she only had to worry about rogue rabid vampires and a boyfriend that could kill her by mistake in a moment of passion.
Carlisle giving an auditorium full of high school students The Talk, and Edward noting that half the girls are fantasizing about having sex with him.
They liked older men, that much was clear.
"Carlisle—or Doctor Carlisle Condom, as we would forevermore call him..."
First Impressions, a GorillazUSTSlash Fic, has the immortal line "Oh yeah, denthead, you know whose bitch you really are." (For context, a frightened 2D just glomped Murdoc instead of Paula, who was also in the room.)
"Third question! Where would you live with Link?" [...] "6?"
"Uh...um...A BOTTLE!" Contestant six note (Navi) blurted. Sheik stood there blinking.
Command & Conquer: Tiberium Wars explains why the lighting in Nod's buildings is always so poor and they've got perpeptual mist hanging around at waist height. Officially, it is to remind the Brotherhood of Nod that their place is in darkness and in the shadows. In reality, Kane just likes hearing people bang their shins against consoles.
And after Rawne falls victim to the above, his reaction to Kane and Kilian Qatar.
Deep down, Rawne envied Kane, if only for the fact that he was surrounded by so many leggy blondes who felt the need to fondle him.
Corporal Peterson: Look, I'm just saying we've got this gigantic, trillion-dollar ion cannon array in orbit, tanks the size of fucking houses, supersonic jet fighters that can hit the stratosphere, and these crazy-calculus advanced proto-world-conquering super AIs, and here we are in out fucking recon with our fucking super cloak-piercing sensors and radar array and guided missile launchers and auto-loading mortars, and for some mystical, unfathomable reason, we don't fucking have working, fucking, AC! This is bullshit of the biggest, bisioniest order. Sergeant Hershey: Peterson? Corporal Peterson: Yeah, Sarge? Sergeant Hershey: Shut the fuck up.
Any time Havoc arrives on the scene, really.
Note pinned to a downed Avatar mech: Dear Kane: Merry Christmas. Your buddy, Havoc.
Heroes In A Chatroom. In one scene, we see Candice, Sylar, and the Haitian discussing the issue of illegal immigration.
NikiMM: Say, Micah, there R only two computers in the house. how R U on?
GeniousBoy01101: Now there are 3
GeniousBoy01101: BTW, we need a new toaster
"A story of pain and sorrow, not intented for comfort or laughter...a story that remains untold, on of abuse and blood...telling of a shattered girl who learned to twist a heart of stone into one of warm gold. This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt...to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his... is SeÃ±or Draco."
Cleo: You're looking for two girls, a pirate and a gypsy. DO NOT ENGAGE THE CAT. MOVE MOVE MOVE!
The entire Anything Goes Martial Arts Baseball Game from Ranma 1/2 ficGirl days.
As the Black Rose fumed at this most preposterous of humiliations, a heated argument began between the two team captains. Ranma's captain insisted that the ball had been caught on a pop-fly,so Shampoo was out. Shampoo's captain insisted that Kodachi wasn't on the team, wasn't in the game, and wasn't even in the school, so the ball was live. The umpire was beating her head against a tree and saying something about moving to Australia.
"We'll take this one," he said to the salesgirl hovering a few yards away, looking like she had been seriously contemplating her mortality in the last half an hour. Vetinari tended to have that effect on people.
Sex No Tensai, a silly Prince of Tennis fic about Momoshirou and Kaidoh competing to see who can lose his virginity first, has the following gems. (Really, the whole thing is hysterical, and if you can stomach slash, you should give it a read.)
(Kaidoh is acting strangely, due to the bet, and, when questioned, blurts out that he is doing poorly in math.) Inui: "Ah, that explains everything. I often behave erratically when I am experiencing the trauma of unsolvable equations."
(Last line of the fic) Momoshirou: "I hope Inui-senpai brews homemade lube and your ass falls off."
In the Gurren Lagann fanfic Tengen Gattai Gurren Lagann, Kamina survived and all sorts of hell is raised. Of note is the chapter where Lordgenome decides the best way to defeat the Gurren-Dan is to imitate...And sends a revamped Gunzar equipped with inverted Kamina shades and a pilot with a grudge, who then botches every single on of Kamina's catchphrases. Kamina is so insulted that Gurren's jaw almost falls off in shock.
Also notable is when Leeron accidentally drugs Kamina, and he spends the rest of the chapter high as a kite.
ThisStargate Atlantis fic, which involves (among several other things) various members of the expedition bursting into song in order to ensure plausible deniability about the fact Sheppard and Mckay are sleeping together, has several. Notably:
"Rodney, get a hold of yourself," Sheppard said loudly, slapping him in the face.
"Oh no," Mckay replied, sounding like he was reading from a script. "The people of MK1-510 must have taken control of my brain and made me undress you. I had better go to the infirmary right away."
"I should escort him," the colonel said seriously.
Also, Satedan humping sickness.
—-> Carson: I'm I'm SCOTTISH, you bastards. You didn't have to make me sound like a bloody leprechaun.
Sheppard wanting to shoot the communicator at the end.
This Troper frequently uses the phrase 'suspicious shade of blue' in real life because of this fic.
—-> McKay: “Okay, that's enough. 'Gay' does not rhyme with 'Wraith', Zelenka definitely never killed a bear, and you people are getting on my last damn nerve!”
Negi & Sayo's conversation in Chapter 4 (Negi: "How am I supposed to teach a class of teenage girls about sex?! ...While keeping my virtue, career, and sanity intact?!")
The end of Chapter 12 (Asuna: Negi's new pimp)
Negi's predicament in Chapter 17 (FUTURE BETTER-WITH-WORDS TROPER DESCRIBE HERE PLEASE)
Pretty much the entirety of Chapters 30 & 35.
And Chapter 29.
The series of porny Star Fox fanfics by Ringshadow on adultfanfiction.net is pretty funny by itself, but one exchange stands out.
"Huh. That's out of nowhere." Katt sounded surprised. "I'm sure I'll hear about it later. I'd ask you to slap him for me but I doubt that'd work out." She paused. "So, any coffee baristas pants you yet today?"
He shook his head. "You're not going to let me live that down are you?"
"Hell no, you won't tell me how good she was." Katt pouted.
"Why do you care? Are you going to surprise her with lesbian sex or something?"
Peppy lifted his eyebrows silently.
"How does that work? Surprise, confetti, om nom nom?" Katt asked thoughtfully.
Fox had been mid drink, but that was enough to put an image in his head, making him do a spit take. "Dammit, woman!"
"No, glitter would be more appropriate. Would this be the opposite of surprise buttsex you think? I mean, you'd know."
Fox at times regretted ever telling Katt what happened on Aquas, or at least admitting to her that he was bisexual. She found the fact amusing somehow, picking at him on occasion and trying to figure out what his tastes were. When he asked why she wasn't upset, she said that guys making out were hot, and she forgave the random coffeehouse blowjob because he still came home to her. "I don't know. Would a strap-on be involved?"
"What the hell ass." Peppy said, caught between confusion and laughter.
"Either way, I'll sell some damn coffee. Actually, that'd be a good name for a coffee shop wouldn't it? Coffee and Lesbians."
"Dammit, are you trying to send me to a business dinner with a boner?"
"I doubt Wolf needs the help with that."
"Right. You're lucky I like you."
"I own your ass, sweet cheeks. Om nom nom!" That said, she laughed and hung up.
The entire series can be found at this location. Note: series is mostly gay sex, with a few sex scenes for Fox and Katt. However, this is NOT a universe that includes Krystal. You have been warned.
I would list the CMoFs in Shadow Crystal Mage's works, if it weren't for the simple fact that if the fic isn't serious, his fics tend to get at least one Moment per chapter, and it's at least 3 or 4 if the fic is cracky.
The LXG fanfic series The Private Diary Of Elizabeth Quatermain has a bonus volume that was written specifically to invoke this trope. The father of the title character keeps his own Bridget Jones' Diary-style record of observations about the stuff that goes on in the series. He tears the mickey out of pretty nearly everyone and everything, most particularly her.
"Daughter using Sawyer's injuries as excuse to watch him sleep. Cried today. Daughter a bit of a whiny bint sometimes."
"Hapless offspring wandered away from group and almost turned into Puma Chow."
"Daughter and (love interest) continue to circle each other like lovesick vultures. V. annoying to watch."
“Who’s hittin’ who with a rock?” Charlie asked, walking up behind them.
“Me,” Hurley said, still searching the ground. “I’m hittin’ Jack with a rock.”
“What? Why do you get to hit him with a rock? And why was I left out of this ‘we’re gonna hit Jack with a rock’ discussion?
Jack What the hell is going on?!
Hurley: Just... talkin’ about rocks. Nice one, huh? All, um, black and... uh, rock... ish?
Jack: We don’t have time to hang around talking about rocks! And who would be sitting around talking about rocks, anyway?
"Geologists?" Sawyer offered, with an angelic smile and a voice full of innocence, and Sayid suddenly had another fit of coughing.
Hurley: Dudes, seriously, he’s [Jack] really startin’ to piss me off. ‘Hurley, the manifest! Hurley, I’m a doctor, not a... manifest guy! Hurley, medications, we... need... more... medications!”
Charlie You know, Hurley, your impression of Jack sounds a lot more like Captain Kirk than it does Jack.
Hurley: Sorry, dude, Kirk is the only impression I can do: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! But, I guess in Jack’s case it’d be more like ‘LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKE!’”
Jack: Locke? What about Locke? Why in the hell are you screaming ‘Locke,’ did something happen, what happened, where’s Locke?”
Hurley: Oh. Uh. No, no Locke. I was screaming ‘ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!’
Hurley: Oh, just a thing I do. Nature worship. Wicca stuff, you didn’t know I’m Wiccan?
Hurley: (about/to Sayid) You’re too... um, elegant. And foreign. Elegant foreign guys with accents who don’t even drop their Gs and rarely use contractions shouldn’t say things like ‘redneck hick asshole guy,’ it just sounds weird.
Sawyer: What? He gets ‘elegant’ and I get ‘old?’
NGE: Your Happy Years has the most epic Sachiel battle ever. Here is a quick summary of the highlights:
The speakers of the massive war machine transmit a profanity laden scream for all in the above ground Tokyo-3 region to hear.
Shinji: "-and stomp you until you can be FUCKING MAILED! Are you INSANE?"
Climbing onto its hands and knees, 200' and 15,000 tons of metal, sinew, and pure raw power crawl behind a block of apartment buildings, flattening its back against them. Shinji: "Did he see me?"
And Shogoki grabs Sachiel by the shoulder and brings its knee up between the Angels legs.
Shinji: "What kind of giant robot doesn't have GUNS?"
Nurse: "She's going through a rough time right now, but she'll forget it when her boys are born." She glanced back, amused. "Come on, Scrya-san, there isn't much you can do unless you want her to break your fingers."
Yuuno: "I'm a little worried about your bed, if Nanoha squeezes the rails any harder she'll break them."
From the other side of the curtain, there was a groaning sound, followed by a snapping sound and a whimper.
Yuuno: "...Aaand there goes the bed rail." he muttered, sighing softly.
"OMFG" James cried, flopping in the monster's strong arms like a fish. A fish that was about to be raped.
After spending most of the zombie apocalypse fanfic Polarity hinting about how much he fantasizes about Ms. Marvel, the Shocker gets saved from being dropped from a mile in the sky by Ms. Marvel and MACH-IV. As MACH-IV zooms off after the Vulture...
"Hold on, Herman," Ms. Marvel said, grabbing me with her other hand and helping me onto her back as we hovered what-felt-like-miles above Manhattan. "Grab onto my shoulders and let’s head down."
The (absurdly good) Half-Life 2 novelisation Welcome to City 17 is about evenly divided between the horrors of Combine rule and Gordon being awesome, but it contains some stellar moments of comedy, admittedly mostly due to Mood Whiplash. By far the best of these is when Gordon avoids a Combine ambush in Nova Prospekt by hiding in a closet, and due to spending about two days running on adrenaline and the various drugs the HEV Suit has been pumping into him spends the next ten minutes staring at his hands. It is far funnier than it sounds.
Warhammer 40,000 fans decided that Kharnthe Betrayer was misunderstood and actually pretty fun to be around. They they wrote a series of short stories in which an unnamed Chaos devotee details the many fun times that were had with Kharn, all of them hilarious dedications to one hell of guy. He's the new Commisar, after all.
"You know, I almost don't feel like it anymore. I feel dirty now," he complained. "We were having ourselves a good old-fashioned shootout and then you had to ruin it by being all precocious. It's things like this that make merciless pseudo-genocidal war between adults and children awkward, you know!"
This Crash Bandicoot story practically opens with a CMOF, where in order to capture the Bandicoots, Cortex wears a Paper-Thin Disguise in the form of a fake mustache (along with all his minions who're also only wearing Fake Mustaches to cover up who they are) that the 'smarter' characters buy, while only Crash can see through, yet every time he tries to explain to the others they don't believe him. When they're captured, Aku-Aku begins to notice all of Cortex's flaws who just covers it up with a simple 'Science did it'.
A very popular Pokémon one, Damaged, focuses on Mewtwo from the anime and watches him as he leads his own (often painful, often funny, often heartwarming) life. At one point, Mewtwo gets challenged by a certain girl, and thinks four words to himself, most likely in a way that many people can sympathize with.
Mew2 held a hand out to the woman. "Come here for a battle?"
"Yes." She smiled. "My name is Kristy." She shook his hand.
"You look familar." Mew2 looked at her out of the corner of his eye.
She giggled a bit. "My father and mother are Ash and Misty Ketchum."
Another one done by the same author, this time for Metroid, Angseth, includes a character who had little to no personality in the game he premiered in, Kanden; the author took matters into her own hands when portraying him. What ended up happening was that almost all of his lines (and a great number of his actions) became Crowning Moments of Funny. For instance, he repeats (in one of his plentiful inner monologues) the phrase, "I am Kanden-man," three times to the rhythm of the riff for "Iron Man", syllable-for-note. And he does this almost completely randomly.
Stella turned on the water. She felt it with her left hand to determine the temperature. When it was warm, she turned on the shower. Water splashed on all three women, getting them wet. Stella hugged Reccoa. Reccoa stared back at Stella. Stella kissed Reccoa on the lips. Reccoa hugged Stella. Stella pressed her tongue against Reccoa's lips. Reccoa parted her lips and allowed Stella's tongue into her mouth. The two women french-kissed. Reccoa felt warm - both because of the water and because of Stella's kiss. Une stood behind Reccoa, pressing against her, and placed her hands on Stella's ass. Stella placed her hands on Une's ass. Une licked up the right side of Reccoa's neck repeatedly. Stella finished the kiss. "Let's turn around." Stella took her hands off of Une's ass. Une took her hands off of Stella's ass. Stella and Reccoa turned 180 degrees.
The Brain Bots' digitally transmitted "conversations" in the still-in-progress Megamind epic Dissimulate are all incredibly entertaining in their own right, but special mention goes to the exchange in chapter 5, including Biter's "Anti-Hysteria Routine" to another panicking Bot.
The otherwise ludicrously Dark FicChained World: Fall of the House of Kuno gets very silly whenever Ryoga appears onscene, whether the Lost Boy is accidentally teleporting to the Lincoln Memorial just before shouting to the heavens that he's going to try to destroy the institutionalized slavery in Japannote the few people around that actually understand Japanese start applauding, much to his confusion, or he's leading the pigs on a Kuno-run farm in a successful uprising.
In the Fate/stay night fic Chaos Theory, Archer wants to remove Rin from a very dangerous battle she refuses to leave. Archer explains his plan B
"I'm going to pick you up bodily, drag you to the steps, and throw you outside the mountain's boundary field." Archer said. "… what?" Rin asked, not quite sure she'd heard right. "Throw you. Kind of like a javelin, only it's you." "… … …" Rin said. "Don't worry. I'm good with projectile weapons. You won't die. I'll make sure you land in a bush or something." Archer said. "… … …" "You'll just get hurt. Between the draining effect of this sorcery and the wounds I'll be inflicting, you won't be able to get back to the fight, most likely. You'll be stuck safely outside the boundary field, while I deal with all of this madness." Archer said. "Magi heal fast, you'll be fine." "Archer…" Rin said slowly. "Don't you dare." Thirty-five seconds later, as Rin screamed, tears in her eyes, flying awfully fast towards a bush that didn't look at all soft enough for her tastes, she wondered why she'd ever thought this stupid war was something to look forward to.
"It's PINK! What kinda cruddy mech is colored Pink? And it looks like a stoopid Monkey!"
"Shaddup!" Fanny screamed. "It's the Super Saiyan Sailor Monkey Mech!"
"That DOES it!" Fanny turned to Sally. "Get him!"
In the Invader Zim fanfic, Human and Irken UNITE!, Zim recruits Gaz to his plans. In chapter seven, Gaz deceived Zim to make him go to Bearpursuit Mall, saying that there are lots of Earth's military secrets there and he is not familiar with the things there.
Zim: WHO IS VICTORIA AND WHAT IS HER SECRET?
Gaz: Zim, her secret is nothing that would interest you.
Zim: Oh? And how do YOU know what secrets I want to know? How do you know her secret won't help us with our plans for world dominations?
Gaz: I doubt fluffy, pink bras will help us conquer the world.
Zim: Maybe in YOUR hands they won't, but I've had much more experience when it comes to tools of world domination! Watch me Little Gaz, as I conquer this 'bra' and use it to KILL ALL HUMANS! Bye-bye!
"You don't want my soul, it probably tastes like vodka! Mmm… vodka."
SpacePirateConfederation is loaded with these, such as Kraid's stupidity and the mundanity of Samus and Ridley's rivalry, but one exchange that stands out is between two random Space Pirates as Dark Samus arrives to raid their Agon base.
A space pirate squad walked in on Dark Samus absorbing the Phazon. "Sir," he said into his radio, "Samus Aran is here."
"That's not Aran," a second pirate said to the first.
"What do you mean, of course it is! There's the suit, and big shoulders, and a gun!"
"We have suits, big shoulders, and a gun, that isn't very descriptive. Also, it's black, floating, and absorbing our Phazon. Aran is orange, grounded, and not absorbing our Phazon."
"I'm your superior."
"You were just demoted, so not anymore."
This It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia fic has some great moments but nothing will beat Charlie's solution to a problem with Dennis' girl of the week we have to eat her.
"Okay. We can fix this. Um, Mr. Ren, you stay there. Thrice-damned coward Winchester..."
"Stop calling me that!"
"... you just... I'll turn around," Nora continued as though he hadn't spoken, "And you just give Mr. Ren his proper warrior's death, damning yourself to the frozen wastes of Hel for your cowardice. Then I'll run his soul right up to Valhalla, and we all win! Except not Mr. Ren, who will die. Or you, who will be doomed. But I'll win!"
Zuko: I, uh, have a meeting to go to. *hurries out of the room*
In A Matter of Trust, the incident from Soul and Maka's double-date with Tsubaki and Black Star, involving "a horny Black Star, a willing to please Tsubaki, and a popcorn box with a hole cut in the bottom. Toss in the group of nuns sitting behind them..."
Maka: At least we weren't banned from that theater along with them. I thought the manager was really very understanding when we explained that we had no idea who the two perverts were.
Soul: Hm. Surruptitious Ninja Handjob my ass. Points to Tsubaki for trying to pass the mess off as butter though.
The Free! fanfic seen everything there is to be shown in its entirety. To summarize, Haruka sneaks into Rin and Nitori's dorm room every night to get it on with Rin, but unbeknownst to them, poor Nitori is awake and hears all of it.
All of The Worst Foursome Ever. In order to have a baby that looks just like the two of them, Azula and Ty Lee ask Zuko to knock Ty Lee up. With Mai, Azula, and Mai and Zuko's baby present. Hilarity Ensues.