Funny / The Jakkid Fanfics

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General

• Sometime after jakkid moved to FIMFiction, he became a huge fan of music artist David Bowie. Ever since then, he's never passed up an opportunity to reference him (or other artists he likes, such as Billy Joel or Talking Heads) in his stories, at one point even briefly inserting him as a character. At one point, he even used a time skip as an excuse to mention Bowie.

  ~ THE NEXT DAY (is a great david bowie album) ~

• The character of Detective jakkid166 is a not-veiled-at-all self-insert, being so blatant to the point that the character is just jakkid's username with "Detective" in front of it, numbers and all. Of course, none of the characters - nor jakkid himself - acknowledge this.
• Online, jakkid maintains that his stories are all one hundred percent true, and that he writes them just as they happen in real life. He also claims that he lives in Equestria and has Twilight Sparkle edit his stories for him.
• There's a running joke that involves Detective jakkid166 using his car to get anywhere and everywhere - including inside people's houses, at one point driving into Twilight's house and up her staircase and parking the car in her kitchen. His car is also apparently durable enough to withstand a nuclear blast.
• Another running gag involves Detective jakkid's gun, which he uses for many, many things - all of which would get any real detective fired. He shoots doors open, signs papers by shooting them, uses the recoil from his gun for extra mobility, and at one point built a crown out of gun for some reason.
• No matter how much jakkid screws up or steals credit for solving the case, the characters will always, without fail, forgive him for it. Otherwise, how else would he continue being the main character? In reality, Detective jakkid166 is incompetent, kind of a jerk, and somewhat corrupt. Regardless, everyone still continues to address him as the "greatest detective in the world".

The Phoenix Wright series

Phoenix Wright Ace Christian

• The very concept of this story even existing is hard to believe - it's about Phoenix Wright traveling back in time to defend Jesus Christ himself in court.
• It seems that jakkid is unaware of the existence of court systems in the Bible era, and as such he has Jesus literally bring an entire court system into existence just so Phoenix can defend him in it - and yet Jesus apparently couldn't have used that power to just get himself out of trouble in the first place.
  • Jakkid also seems to think gloves and knives hadn't been invented yet at the time. Phoenix tries to argue this, but the Judge - who was also brought to bible times, somehow - penalizes him for it.
• While investigating, Phoenix hears a mysterious voice telling him to forge evidence. Phoenix, of course, refuses, considering it would be very Out of Character for him to do - but then the voice insists he won't be caught, and so Phoenix just goes "ok" and forges evidence.
• After the prosecutor, Satan, reveals that Phoenix forged evidence, the Judge disbars him - but then quickly reinstates Phoenix after Jesus tells him to forgive him.
• Near the end of the story, jakkid mixes up his dialogue tags and mistakenly has Satan thank Phoenix for getting Jesus a "Not Guilty" verdict.

  "thank you my child" said satan

Phoenix Wright Turnabout Egg

• Early on in the story, Phoenix accidentally sets his hair on fire. After unsuccessfully trying to object the fire away, all his hair gets burned off, leaving him "bald like satmama from one puch man", as jakkid puts it. Edgeworth makes fun of him for it.
  • "LOL" said edgworth "HIS HEAD IS LIKE AN EGG"
• Phoenix's flawless plan for getting revenge on Edgeworth involves him burning off Edgeworth's hair and calling him "eggworth". The plan instead results in Edgeworth burning to death entirely.
• The next day, Gumshoe somehow becomes convinced that he, himself, was the one who killed Edgeworth, and as such he indicts himself and asks Phoenix to defend him. Phoenix accepts, despite being the actual culprit.

  "i think i shud be punished for killing edgeworth DONT LET ME GET GUILTY"

• During the trial, Phoenix seemingly forgets that he was the one who killed Edgeworth, and ends up presenting a bunch of evidence that implicates himself as the culprit. He realizes too late what he's done, and tries to take back his argument, but the Judge pronounces him guilty anyway.
  • Despite being found guilty, Phoenix isn't given any kind of legal repercussions for killing Edgeworth. He literally just goes back home after the trial is over, where he encounters the ghost of Edgeworth, intent on haunting him with "egg jokes".

Phoenix Wright Turnabout Pearl

• Phoenix answers his phone by jumping onto his desk and kicking his phone into his mouth.

  it was maya "hi nickle i need you to babingsit pearl"

• While Phoenix is babysitting Pearl, the lights unexpectedly turn off, and she gets kidnapped. He calls 911, and Gumshoe arrives at the house, who somehow immediately concludes that it was Phoenix himself that kidnapped her. That is, despite the fact that Phoenix was supposed to have Pearl for the time being, and that he never even left his house.
• During Phoenix's trial, it's revealed that Edgeworth, despite being dead, has retained his prosecuting job as a ghost.

  "WHAT" said maya "BUT YOU DIED"

  "yes i am a ghost" said edgeworth ghost "oooooo"

  • The Judge seems oddly cool with this as well.
    "ok mr edgeworth ghost" said judge "give your opening statement"
• Pearl later barges into the courtroom and says that it was Phoenix who kidnapped her, and as such, Phoenix is arrested. Pearl later apologizes to Phoenix for this and says the reason why she said that is because the guy looked like him. As if that wasn't already shaky enough of an excuse, the true culprit turns out to be Manfred von Karma - someone who bears absolutely zero resemblance to Phoenix in any way.
• After proving his own innocence, Phoenix comes home to his cat - a cat that has never been referenced before, and doesn't exist in the official games. The same cat is then revealed, in the exact same line of text, to have just been murdered.

Phoenix Wright CAKE Attorney/Turnabout Portal

• For whatever reason, Jakkid decided to put the first chapter of Turnabout Portal as its own story, called "Phoenix Wright Cake Attorney". Despite the inclusion of "Cake" and "Portal" in these story titles, they have absolutely nothing to do with the Portal series of games.
• In the beginning of the story, Phoenix receives a cake in the mail that's supposedly from Pearl, as an apology for getting him sent to prison in the previous story. However, the cake is revealed to be a bomb, which explodes, hospitalizing Phoenix. Pearl, on the other hand, is immediately arrested for this, despite the fact that she's, like, eight.
  • This becomes even more ridiculous once Phoenix finds that the cake was sent from Manfred von Karma's address, something the police apparently couldn't figure out - despite the fact that the return address was literally right on the box.
• Phoenix and Gumshoe go to arrest Manfred, but he escapes in his car, leading to a sweet chase scene, complete with trading gunfire. The only way Manfred manages to get away, so to speak, is by crashing his car, which makes him go flying out the windshield and land on top of a building, completely unharmed.
• Manfred then jumps off the building and falls through a very conveniently placed portal on the ground, setting up the events for the rest of the story. It's not explained how any of these portals appear or how Manfred knows about them.
• While in Equestria, a pony comes up to Gumshoe and asks his name. His response is about what you'd expect from someone who's never seen a talking pony before.

  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

• Over the course of the story, Manfred teams up with the villains from jakkid's previous stories, those specifically being Bowser, Doctor Eggman, and Satan himself. Jakkid refers to this as the "BESK team". After Gumshoe discovers this, Manfred shoots him in the foot as a warning, to which he only has this to say:

  "OW WAT THE FUCK MAAAAAN"

• The way the story refers to Knuckles at one point:

  "well" said knucklefuck

• While trying to get into Bowser Castle, the team of heroes has Knuckles attempt to "pick himself and throw himself over" the lava moat so he can punch a hole through the wall. Due to the laws of physics suddenly applying, it fails, and Knuckles falls into the lava and dies. Most of the characters are unfazed by this, though, as Tails assures them he'll just respawn.
  • This holds true twice in the story - he later appears inside the castle while it's collapsing, and a rock falls on his head and kills him. He then appears a third time during the final battle against the BESK team's robot, which stomps on him and kills him yet again.
• While in Bible World, Phoenix feels the need to verify that the sand, of all things, is genuine. He does so by eating some of it.

  "wtf r u doin phoneix" said humshoe

  "makin sure the sand is bible sand"

• Phoenix finds Jesus himself lying in the sand, where he reveals that the BESK team came and drained his "Jesus power". He then passes out, and jakkid takes extra care to point out that he's still alive.

  an then he passed out (NOT DIED)

• After apparently murdering Phoenix, the BESK team escapes back to the Ace Attorney universe. The rest of the heroes are able to follow them, but only because of Gumshoe's problem solving skills. More specifically, he prays to god and asks him to transport them to "wright world". Tails isn't happy about this Deus ex Machina.

  "wow that was fuckin cheap" said tails

  "shut tha fuck up u atheist" said gumshoe

  "but im muslim"

  • This doesn't even end up actually working, though, as God accidentally puts them in the real world. The only way they're able to get back to the Ace Attorney universe is by going to Capcom and having Shu Takumi, the creator of Ace Attorney, transport them back. They also inadvertently end up pulling him into their universe, so he ends up stuck in Ace Attorney World.
• Jakkid attempts to add some kind of chase music to the chase scene between the BESK team's giant robot and the heroes, but it doesn't really work out being that it's, you know... text.

  "WE RUN" said luigi AND THEY ALL RAN ND THE ROBOT CHASED THEM and they was running arOUN BETWEEN BUILDINGS AND DAT CHASE MUSICS FROM CARTOONS PLAYED like doo doo dood oddodoo dodod odod dodo doo doo

• Some lore between this universe's versions of Jesus and Satan is revealed.

  "SATAN U IDIOT" said jesus "Y U ALWAYS DO DIS SHIT"

  "cuz" said satan "ur dads a jerk"

• Near the end, it's revealed that in the previous chapter Phoenix had actually shot Manfred and stolen his clothes and wig to disguise himself for the sake of sabotaging the BESK team. Somehow, none of them saw through this very shoddy disguise.
  • Satan's also not able to see through Wright's trickery when he asks to put a parachute on. Satan allows him to, and then Wright predictably ejects himself out of the robot, allowing Gumshoe to pull out his rocket launcher and blow it up, killing Doctor Eggman and Bowser while sending Satan back to hell. Honestly, it's not a big surprise they got beaten.
• After the battle is over, Manfred von Karma's ghost shows up at the scene after everyone's already left, a few minutes too late.

  "hey guys im finaly here" he loked around "where tha fuck is everyone"

• Jakkid is kind enough to tell us what happened to the deceased villains after the end of the story.

  bowser ghost got job at spooky amusment park for haunted house

  eggman ghost got job as macsot for egg company

  karma ghost got job as ghost telmarketer

  an satan dident do anything caus he dident die so he didnt care dat much

  but they dident go to jail since theres no ghost jail

  they shud probably make that

phoenix wright dank attorney

• Despite the previous stories often beginning with Phoenix wishing he'd get clients, the beginning of this story has him fly into a rage at the concept of having to work.

  "GODAMIT" said phoenix "WHY DO I ALWAYS GET CLIENTS WHEN I DONT WANT ANY DAM CLIENTS FUCKIN SHIT I DONT WANNA DO SHIT I JUS WANNA PLAY ACE ATTORNEY ON THE NIMTENDO DS"

• The call turns out to be from Edgeworth, who's calling Phoenix to tell him about something Maya is doing - except he refuses to actually tell him about it unless he physically goes to Maya's house. Phoenix does that, and it turns out Maya is, in line with the title of the story, smoking weed.
  • Phoenix and Maya are quickly arrested for this. Phoenix demands that Edgeworth let them out of prison (despite him not having any power to do so), but he refuses.
• The prosecutor for the trial turns out to be the ghost of Manfred von Karma, who is somehow able to just change the charges to murder out of the blue. It turns out the reason for this is that Pearl has died, allegedly from smoking Maya's weed and overdosing on it.
  • Phoenix quickly disproves this by taking out his laptop in the middle of the trial and googling whether or not it's possible to die from weed.
• Phoenix argues that Pearl, an 8 year old, is not strong enough to use a lighter. Manfred demands they bring Pearl into the court to have her try to do it. Despite the incredibly obvious issue there, Pearl miraculously comes to the stand. It takes Phoenix and Manfred about 12 lines of text to realize this means she's not dead.
• The detective for the case turns out to be none other than jakkid166 himself, marking his first ever appearance as "Detective jakkid166". He's an antagonist in this story, and Manfred refers to him as his cousin for some reason.
• Manfred changes the charges a second time, as it turns out the entire trial was just a setup to get Phoenix into court so that Manfred could prosecute Phoenix for killing him. Why they went through all that instead of Manfred just reporting it to the police is anyone's guess.
• Manfred presents a gun with Phoenix's fingerprints on it. Phoenix asks to see the gun for a second, which Manfred obliges - at which point, Phoenix ducks under his desk and wipes his prints off. Nobody in the court notices.
• Phoenix never actually disproves that he was the one who killed Manfred, being that he actually was the one who did it. Instead, he throws the gun at Manfred, which passes through him and hits a wall, which in turn causes it to fire and shoot a man only referred to as "the guy" in the head. Gumshoe somehow concludes that Manfred was the one who fired it, and Manfred is arrested.

Detective jakkid Series

Detective jakkid166 Go to Equestria Now

• Early on in the story, Detective jakkid invokes his usual Rule of Cool and backflips out his office window, falls into his police car, and drives to the crime scene at a somewhat confusing speed.

  "Okay it's time to investigate," I said and I jumped out my window and fell five stories into my police car which I drove to the crime scene at 160 car per hour

• After jakkid arrives at the crime scene, he states to the "investigation police crime scene forensics fingerprints detecting guy" that he "ain't afraid of no blood". Once he sees the 15 gallons of blood on the ground, though, he tries to clarify himself.

  "No I said I'm not afraid of NO blood, I am afraid of YES blood"

  • The forensics guy then proceeds to wipe up all 15 gallons of blood with a single napkin.
• The beginning of chapter 2 is near-incomprehensible. It starts off with jakkid and Twilight Sparkle on a train, where jakkid says Twilight is "pedaling to make the train go faster". He then provides a detailed explanation of how beautiful it is outside.

  I looked out the window and saw all the field grass and the sun was shining and the grass was singing and the birds and the air was flying through the air.

• Celestia, seemingly not knowing how guns work, says that the victim was stabbed by a gun. This confuses jakkid, but then Celestia then clarifies that she meant the victim was stabbed by the bullet that came out of the gun after it was fired. She's technically correct, I guess.
• Later on in the same chapter, a pony shows up named "Inspector Pony" who arrests jakkid on suspicion of being the murderer. Jakkid quickly escapes, and for whatever reason, this character is never seen or even mentioned again.
• Jakkid attempts to buy a cupcake from Pinkie Pie, but somehow, Pinkie accidentally grabs a bunch of dust instead and shoves that into jakkid's mouth. She compensates for the mistake with a free cupcake, which jakkid eats in his typical Rule of Cool fashion.

  "Okay, thanks Pinkie" I said and I backflipped out the window and threw the cupcake on the ground and my mouth landed on the cupcake and ate it.

• Big Macintosh, thinking Detective jakkid has killed his sister, kicks him "right in the fuck" and sends him flying across Ponyville. He somehow crashes directly into Fluttershy's front door, which she opens, causing him to fall off the door onto his knees, breaking them. If that wasn't enough, when Fluttershy takes him inside and closes the door, she accidentally hits him with it, causing him to fall on his face, shattering his glasses and embedding the glass shards into his face.
  • It's then revealed that jakkid was actually faking all of this just so he could investigate her house.
• During his investigation, jakkid finds a note in Fluttershy's house that's written with "hospital letters", whatever those are. The note reads as follows:

  "Fluttershy if you do not kill the pony that died at the beginning of the story I will kill you instead."

• While in pursuit of a suspect, jakkid tells his legs to go faster, but the person he's chasing hears him say it, so that somehow makes him go faster as well - and as a result, he escapes.
• Detective jakkid166 gets arrested a second time, but when the police pony throws jakkid into his cell, he throws him too hard and jakkid hits the cell window and breaks it, allowing him to instantly escape yet again.
• Directly afterwards, jakkid decides to clear his name in court, so he goes and takes the Equestria bar exam like it's nothing and gets an Equestrian degree in law. Jakkid then ends up at a trial that's presided over by the Judge from the Ace Attorney games. It's not explained how the Judge got to Equestria.
• Fluttershy testifies that Detective jakkid166 murdered her, despite the fact that everyone can plainly see that she's perfectly alive, testifying on the stand.

  "OBJECTION!" I louded. "If I killed you, HOW ARE YOU ALIVE RIGHT NOW?"

• Rainbow Dash gives jakkid a clue to solving the mystery as a reward for helping her, despite the fact that there is no reason she should have any clues relating to the crime - especially ones she'd be withholding until jakkid helps her.
  • The clue itself is just a piece of paper that says "Blood" on it. Jakkid performs a series of complex decodings of the word, all of which just lead him back to the word "Blood" - which, in turn, he interprets as meaning someone died, despite how that was already established in the first chapter. Jakkid himself even makes note of this once he finds the body.
    "This is just the pony that died at the beginning of the story," I said.
• After all the investigating jakkid and Twilight go through, the one piece of evidence that finally leads them to the truth is not the result of some sort of complex deduction or new information. It's a random book in Twilight's house that happens to say "the killer is Discord" inside of it.
  • It's later revealed that book was just a fanfiction Twilight was writing, meaning jakkid and Twilight essentially accused a random person and got lucky.
• Detective jakkid ends the chapter stating how, because he is a Detective, he can make new laws. This ability Detectives supposedly have, however, is never referenced in any of jakkid's other stories - which is a shame, because there are a lot of instances where it would've been really useful for him.

  "Okay good." said Twilight "Can you make it illegal to be Rainbow Dash?"

Detective jakkid166 save Tha World

• The story opens with jakkid and Twilight playing chess. Twilight almost wins, but jakkid manages to secure a victory by using his "special move".

  I backflipped outta my chair and pulledout my gun and shoot all of Twilights chess pieces off the board.

  • Twilight is oddly accepting of this strategy.
    "Damn" said Twilight "I just cant beat you, youre too good at chess."
• When jakkid tries to leave, he discovers that the door's been stuck shut due to the heavy snowfall outside. Using his detective skills, jakkid combines his inability to open the door with a bunch of other "clues" around the house and manages to come to the conclusion that... the door won't open.
• Jakkid escapes Twilight's house by jumping through her closed window, shattering it into pieces and embedding a shard of glass in his face. He's not even slightly fazed by it, though.

  "PERFECT" I said and I pulleda glass shard out of my face. "Now to solve the mystery."

• Jakkid's method of keeping warm during the snowstorm involves him pulling his gun out and shooting any snowflakes before they can land on him. At the same time of him doing this, however, a pony falls from the sky and crashes into the ground, later found to have been shot. Despite the obvious connection here, jakkid maintains that it wasn't him who shot her.
  • Jakkid instead theorizes that the fact that he was walking was what caused the pony to die, because "Stastistly speaking, whenever someone dies on earth theres usually someone somewhere who is walking.".
• Despite it seeming like jakkid was the one who accidentally shot the pony, he's the one who's placed in charge of the investigation.

  "I dont believe who don'tve done this. But I will catch them at many costs."

• Jakkid enters a bar to interrogate a witness. He does this by purposely crashing his car and flying out the windshield, directly into the bar's window.
• Jakkid's arch nemesis is named "Dick America".

  "That is my ARCH NEMESIS... the second greatest detectiv in the world... DICK AMERICA!"

• After jakkid is kicked off the case, Twilight attempts to console him by offering to murder someone so he'll have a case to solve.
• Jakkid lamenting Rainbow's death:

  "ALAS! Poor rainbow, she died doing what she loved best: being alive."

• In several instances, the prose references a "camera" as if the story is a movie or TV show.

  And I pointed my finger really dramatically and the camera zoom in on my face.

• The opening line of the aptly-named villain jakkid fights in the fourth chapter:

  "I am Heertu Killu. I am here to kill you"

• A villain later shows up who is very easily convinced not to fight the main characters.

  "My name is Assassins Creed. I'm here to murder you all!"

  "No youre not."

  "Oh okay" he said and he left.

• At the same time, jakkid stops at a stop sign despite there not being any roads. Applejack is unfazed and tells him to wait for the stop sign to turn green - which it promptly actually does.
• After Assassins Creed returns, jakkid manages to defeat him and attempts to get information out of him - but, unbeknownst to him, Assassins Creed is equipped with a cyanide tooth pill. However, Creed forgets which tooth is the pill and begins eating all of his own teeth in an attempt to find it.
• Princess Luna appears in jakkid's dream the next night to supposedly tell him important information, but all she ends up telling him is the already-obvious fact that she is in his dream and talking to him. Jakkid then manages to promptly forget even just this once he wakes up.
• The name of jakkid's beverage of choice.

  "Its a new special detective energy drink," said me. "Its called Dick Juice."

• The group eventually encounter Rainbow Dash's ghost, who ends up getting killed. However, due to already being a ghost, getting killed instead restores her to life, good as new.