Snape's ongoing mental list of the things that Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, does not do. Some standouts:
Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, does not comfort teary little girls.
Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, does not lose arguments to those same little girls, especially when it's about going to bed and the little girl in question was supposed to be asleep hours earlier.
Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, does not cuddle puppies.
Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, is hated and feared by children, and they do not confide in him.
Rodolphus and Bellatrix forgetting to give Hermione her gifts on Christmas, and then deciding to play it off like it was a joke.
Sirius peeing in Snape's boot to avenge himself because Snape told Scabior his 'new dog's' name was Salazar, as in Slytherin.
Draco's reaction to Viktor and Hermione saving Bartyfrom the ledge. He screams the worst threat he can think of, he'll tell Father. Later he tries to punch Viktor in the stomach, which, to Viktor, feels like a poke.
Ivan's gnome sign. Ivan is worried that when Emmeline/Eugenia has her baby, it might not speak English because the gnomes are Bulgarian (garden gnomes are like the stork). What does he do? He make a sign and has Viktor and Draco write in both languages so the gnomes will know the baby has to speak English.
Snape's outrage at Anu's telling him he thinks Snape is nice.
'Severus Snape, spymaster of Britain, was not nice! Kittens were nice. Chocolate was nice. Spending time with friends was nice. Snape glowered, renewing his resolve to do something terrible to the dog for making the boy think he was nice.
Sirius's imitation of Snape whilst he's Polyjuiced to give Anu The Talk, complete with disappointment he can't act like a Card-Carrying Villain. Even better because he's doing...dramatic pauses...like Alan Rickman...as Snape.
Barty's Captain Obvious moment(directed at Snape) moment when Snape asks whether he bit Amycus Carrow.
'Well, yes, Sev. Who else would have?'
The reason behind biting Amycus was pretty damn funny. Alecto pinched him but he couldn't take it out on her because she's a woman.
Nagini stealing and wearing Umbridge's pink hat.
Cunegarde has some amazing one liners under her belt.
Cunegarde: Don't raise your voice, girl, you'll bring the lunatic.
Hermione: You mean Mr. Crouch?
Cunegarde: That or your mother.
Snape's confession to Krum.
Snape: Your Majesty, I have committed an act of treason, and so have your mother-in-law and her two sisters. Also Narcissa's snake.