The sorting hat song, which serves as a Take That! towards people who try to come up with their own version of the song for their stories:
"In every fic with a sorting scene, The Author includes a song. With prose abused cruel and mean, And they go on much too long. The smart ones just include The hat's libretto from the canon. The others, well they're just rude, And quite abusive to the fanon. For this fic, let's just assume The hat was verbose and quite witty. Because my poetry will clear a room, It really is that shitty. For you purists who need the fic to have a sorting song, And lacking the same would drive you to try to pick a bone. I would suggest you should please yourself and surely do no wrong, If you were to reread the verse from the book about the stone."
On Sirius's business card:
"Testimonials from past clients: Stay away from my wife. -Cornelius Fudge"
Boy, you are a disappointment and a disgrace to the family. You are no son of mine! -My dear mother
I told you to stay away from my wife… And my daughter! -Cornelius Fudge
Arrrg! -Death Eater
Not in the face! -Another Death Eater
Look at the size of that thing. -Amelia Bones
Oh Sirius, you were incredible; you've ruined us for other men. -Hollyhead Harpies
You will rue the day you defied me, Black! Your days are numbered! -Voldemort
What are you doing in my house?... And get off of my wife! -Paul Parkinson
Damn you, Black. -Severus Snape
And then after reading Sirius' card, Tony asks about Sirius (who had been told that the soonest appointment with Tony was in two days and was in the outer office, playing with a slinky).
Tony: So he's planning on sitting there playing with his slinky for two days?" Pepper: He also has a yoyo. Tony: A yoyo? I had no idea it was this serious. Well, I guess you'd best show him in.
Apparently, Reed Richards and Tony Stark (as well as their offspring) are forbidden from participating in the Pinewood Derby for Cub Scouts, which involves making cars out of wooden blocks, no motors, no moving parts, no nothing. Somehow, Tony managed to make a frictionless surface and isolated the car from planetary motion, making it rocket off the track and embed itself three inches in solid concrete. Reed's car destroyed the track by opening a microscopic black hole at the front of the car. Neither Franklin or Harry were able to show their faces at the meetings for months without getting asked about the incident.
Apparently Harry likes giving nicknames. While a common one for Hermione is "Herms" in fanfictions, this is probably the first time that she has ever been called "The Herminator."
When Harry meets Krum's godfather, Doctor Doom. At the end of the meeting, he looks down and thanks God he did not lose control of his bladder.
In the final round of the Triwizard Tournament, Fleur saw how Harry fought with a Wizard's Staff (he treated it like a pugil stick and got Viktor with a hit to the stomach with the staff's butt, then using it for sweeping Viktor's legs from under him). Knowing he's also not bad with a Magic Wand, Fleur challenges Harry to a "grappling duel" (and admits Cedric gave her the idea for it) in the finals. Once she and Harry are oiled up, she then uses her feminine wiles to "deal with Harry." He lasts for "three minutes, twenty-five seconds" by Steve Rogers' count, and Harry hadn't been resisting. He ends up getting a good teasing from Steve and Sirius about it, while Cedric and Viktor argue that 1) Harry wrestled with a "hot oiled girl," and 2) did NOT ask for either of them to tag in. They then show they were ribbing Harry with the arguments too. Ludo even admits Fleur was skilled and a Guile Hero (as she summoned Cedric's boots to get him off his feet, then won the Tournament by making sure Harry was Distracted by the Sexy).
