Funny / Nobody Dies

Okay, Nobody Dies has a lot of awesome... but there is also a lot of funny.

• Chapter 1 explaining how the Ikari household works.
  Kozou and Gendo both nod, both sighing. The technicians hide their snickers. There is little illusion of who wears the pants in the Ikari household, and it is mainly because it is easy to stay on Doctor Yui Ikari's good side that harmony rules GEHRIN with an iron fist.
• Chapter 3: Gendo and Yui discuss the upcoming arrival of Kyoko:
  Gendo: We're not going to get any more done by blatantly undermining Dr. Sohryu's authority.
  Yui: How about subtly undermining her authority?
  Gendo: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
  Yui: I think so, dear. But I have no idea where we would get saran wrap in that bulk.
• Chapter 3: Rei surprises Shinji in the boys' shower. Because there's just so much room to dance around in there!
• Chapter 5: After firing the Triple Heavy Maser.
  "That was Plan B?" Misato asks, blinking, "I like Plan B! I could see Plan B through my eyelids!"
  "Welcome to NERV," Yui says, rubbing her eyes, "God's in his Heaven because He's scared of our superior firepower."
• Chapter 8: Ramiel's response to finding Rei and Kensuke inside its head.
  OH.
  OH.
  SHIT.
  • Soon after, Ramiel's internal monologue inspired by a certain whale and an improbability generator.
• Chapter 10. Eight-Year-Old!Rei and a squeaky mallet.
  Maya: I have no idea how she destroyed Sub Commander Fuyutsuki's car with it.
  • Followed by Asuka thinking at least Rei must be more mature now, as Fuyutsuki discovers his entire office covered with saran wrap.
• Chapter 11: Sandwiching a Moment of Awesome as he saves Asuka from a date rapist, the image of Gendo singing "99 Luftballoons" and "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" is enough to get any fan rolling on the floor.
• Chapter 11: Shortly before Asuka and Shinji share their first kiss, Shinji contemplates that his mother is probably watching the whole thing. Almost immediately his fears are confirmed.
  Shinji: Please tell me you don't have cameras in Misato's bathroom.
  Yui: I have cameras everywhere.
• Chapter 12: Mana's response to the intended use of Jet Alone Prime against Sahaquiel:
  "Yes, Mana?"
  "So I'm getting tossed, hammer first, into a horde of mini angels?"
  "Yes," Misato responds.
  "F___ing metal."
• Chapter 13: In the midst of an otherwise extremely dark chapter, Shinji reveals that he knows the password is that grants him entry to any part of the base: "Rei." "Heee~ey." "Oh, F___ SHE'S BEHIND US!"
  • Just as funny is Rei's key to a locked steele enforced door.
    • This Brick Joke:
  Asuka: Shinji? Why is Kensuke worried about being... a "prison bitch?"
• Chapter 14: NERV's Merchandizing Department.
  • Especially the entry-plug vibrators.
  Misato (to Maya): "You are so repressed."
  • And this bit (paraphrased):
    Maya (in Ritsuko's head): "Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' At All. NOTHIN' AT ALL."
    Ritsuko: "Stupid Sexy Maya! Well, alright. I guess I'm a lesbian."
    Maya (eavesdropping): Squee!
• Chapter 18: In what was otherise a dramatic chapter, Rei threatens anyone who tries to enter Shinji's hospital room with a cattle prod, even giving Touji a nice shock. All this so he can have a moment of peace with Asuka.
• Most of Chapter 19, since it's a comedic break after the fight with ADAM.
  • Rei being taught to drive. "RAMP!"
  • Even funnier is how the teacher is selected, with a 3-way tie of paper-rock-scissors, and Gendo threatening Fuyutsuki with a gun to force him into it until he points out that they all have subordinates.
  • Shinji summoning Rei to deal with a girl hitting on him (and, worse, being catty to Asuka).
  • This gem comes when the other pilots meet Ichi's mini-Rei mechanical avatar.
    "Does that mean Unit 01 is a 200 foot tall version of Ayanami?"
    "Thanks, Uri," Mana responds, glaring at the German, "I'd gotten tired of being able to sleep at night."
  • The debut of the Ree.
  • Asuka's assessment of being molested by Kiko.
  Reaching up, she gives her breasts a tentative squeeze, raising an eyebrow.
  "They're...big?"
  She turns on her heel and walks out. Maybe she should get Shinji's opinion.
  • Ritsuko and Maya's Accidental Innuendo laden attempt to break to Yui that the Ree are loose.
  • Kei playing at being Blofeld on a pirate TV broadcast while stroking Ritsuko's Mr. Fluffles, and demanding "one million helicopters and one dollar" AND also demanding Shinji and Asuka delivered to her in nothing but blue and red ribbons, respectively.
    • Referring back to this later, she informs Shinji that she is his sister and is not sexually attracted to him. Before he can respond she adds that a threesome with him and Asuka would not be a bad thing in her book.
  • The way Kaji and Jet Alone Prime incapacitate Kei:
  Kaji: Say, Rei? Ever watch any of those old commercials they would show in the States during the 80's?
  Kei: No. I have not.
  Kaji: Then this is going to go right over your head! Hey! Kool-Aid!
  *Jet Alone Prime rips the roof off of the building*
  Jet Alone Prime: OH YEAH.
  • Drugged Gendo. Especially how he still has presence of mind to use the emergency escape hatch when Yui starts to cross the line into genuinely angry at the Ree.
  • Yui's first use of Angrish immediately after:
  "She's not really angry," Shinji whispers to Asuka.
  "How can you tell?" she asks.
  "She's not making up words, yet."
  "Go back to your flurgen rooms," Yui growls towards the Ree.
  "Okay, now she is," Shinji says, grabbing Asuka's wrist, and pulls her out with him.
• Chapter 20 has multiple people trying to play matchmaker for Uri, including Kyoko, who determines with cold logic that Shinji is the most appropriate choice for him.
  • Also Gendo and Yui's talk with Rei in light of what the Ree did to Kensuke:
  He takes out a bag and places objects on the desk. A bouquet of flowers, a turnip, a cattle prod, and an empty tranquilizer pistol.
  "Rei," he says, "Which of these are appropriate for you to bring on a date?"
  Rei stares, raises her eyebrows, and nods.
  "None of them."
  "Very good, Rei," he says with visible relief.
  "I just use my teeth and hands!"
  Yui palms her face.
  "Maybe not," Gendo says.
• Chapter 22: Unit 01 sneezes on Kyoko... twice... while very poorly attempting to hide its laughter.
  • Also from Chapter 22. Asuka has her first experience with a plug suit. Shinji is so riveted by her appearance, he runs head first into a wall. Asuka slips, ending up falling on him. It's only after that Pieter has a word with him.
  Pieter. "Yeah...I think we need to lay down some ground rules."
• Chapter 26: Rei's replacement Evangelion Provisional Unit 05. Its AI. What its AI is based on. Why China has very, very understandably had a special line of code inserted to prevent the AI ever being loaded. What happens when said line is removed.
  • And then there's exactly how they end up getting it under control.
    "Visual profile recognized. Match confirmed: President Abraham Lincoln." It's Gendo in a top hat!
• Chapter 27: Pieter dragging mini!Sandalphon back to Tokyo-3 in a reference to Independence Day.
  • Pen-Pen and mini!Sandalphon's bonding/making sure Mini-Sandalphon wasn't the ghost of past eaten fish.
  • Pieter and mini!Sandalphon's Angel/Lilim fist-bump.
    • Later outdone by Rei and Nyarlathotep's Nephilim/Cosmic Horror fist-bump.
  • The Ree demanding that he be turned over as their new puppy and called "Wuffles."
• Starting in Chapter 30: Anything involving the spring-loaded stuffed Angel in Rei's closet.
• Chapter 30. Gendo Ikari. Babysitter...and Gamemaster. His GMPC is a bard.
  • EXALTED 40K. REI DRIVES AGAIN. GENDO TORTURES HIS OWN PEOPLE INTO DELIVERING PIZZA.
• Chapter 31: To Mana's irritation, menus keep popping up in her Iruel-captured VR sim. The last option is always "D. Stick it in".
• Chapter 31: Rei's Iruel-induced fantasy. Then, there's Iruel's response:
  What. The. F____.
• Chapter 33: Iruel's (almost) final fate.
  "Oh look. I've evolved the ability to urinate."
• Chapter 34: Zwei being given a dog body, and promptly mistaking a squirrel for an Angel. "We really should have seen that coming."
• Chapter 34, as one person put it: "We have Ikari Gendou and the President of the United States, Stephen Colbert, in a fist fight on international television on Larry King Live... and it's entirely reasonable for this to happen." Its kind of hard to top that.
  • Includes this choice bit:
    "Congratulations, Ikari," Colbert says, "You've just made the List!"
    The aide whispers in his ear.
    "Okay," Colbert corrects, "You're already on the List. But now you're at Threat Level Down, bitch."
• ...and then there's Shinji's summation of the end of ch. 35.
  "It builds character.", Gendo says.
  "F___ you."
  "Don't say that around your mother."
• SEELE'S conversation about the brawl in chapter 35 is pretty funny too, especially when Yui's father brings up that this is how Gendo and Yui got together and when Nagisa brings up the potential that Gendo and President Colbert have bonded:
  "08: Chairman, is everything with Nagisa about sex?"
• Chapter 38: Iruel's Non Sequitur (due to mental damage and repression from being dragged through 4chan): “All they are is Hate. All they have is Hate. All they need is Hate. All they want is butternut fudge ice chocolate pickles.”
  • Possibly funnier is that Asuka immediately exploits this to get Iruel to do a song and dance number.
  • Also, Iruel's final death.
  Flitting through the air, he follows the scent of matter, Angelic matter, he can feed on to regain some of his glory, some of his power.
  All he needs is time.
  All he needs is-
  SNAP.
  The beak snaps on the horsefly, and the penguin shakes his head, coughing as the insect skitters before dying, falling down his throat.
  "WARK!"
  Shinji and Asuka stare at the penguin as it turns and walks back into the apartment, walking into his fridge and slamming the door behind him.
  "D-Did Pen Pen just eat an insect?" Asuka asks.
• Chapter 39: Kaji hits on Kyoko.
  Kyoko: "I'm glad to see we can change entire space time continuums and you still remain a complete letch and manwhore."
  Misato: "I like her."
  • Also from the same chapter, how Kyoko convinces Kaji during interrogation that she's actually the same person as that universe's dead counterpart, with Misato listening in from the other side of the mirror:
  Kyoko: "Any more questions?"
  Kaji: "Yeah. What are you doing for dinner tonight?"
  Kyoko: "I remember when you asked me that back where I came from, when we were both posted at NERV-Berlin Branch."
  Kaji: "And what happened?"
  Kyoko: "You stopped crying after an hour and then avoided me like the plague for the next two weeks."
  Neither react to the ominous, maniacal laughter from the other side of the window.
  Kaji: "Welcome to Tokyo-3, Dr. Sohryu."
• Chapter 41: Canon!Rei, having been infected by Terrifying!Rei's desire for babies, speaks of her affections for Canon!Shinji (imagine this is her flat monotone from canon):
  "I wish to hit him so hard that whoever pulled me out of him will be crowned the next King of England. I will conquer Asia to build an Empire for the manpower that would build the machine I would use to tap that ass. I would initiate a forbidden ritual to ascend to the next step of existence, so I could hit him like the fist of an angry god." [...] "I still wish to perform intercourse with him. I wish to tap that ass. I wish to tap it hard."
  • Also from the same conversation: When Canon!Rei calls Canon!Asuka a "raging bitch."
• Chapter 43: Junior gets sent through the Dirac Sea to help the group find their way home.
  And then the red laser sighs cover the floating fish creature, and he comes to notice that each and every NERV personnel around them has pulled a gun out and are aiming at him.
  Mm. Yes. We did not factor in that this hallway may be populated.
• Continuing with the previous theme: In ch. 44, a therapy scene with Shinji and Asuka turns into a makeout session...which gets interrupted by TS!Asuka, then Yui and TS!Gendo, and then Kyoko and Junior. Oh, and did I mention that, just before they barged in, Shinji realized that he'd dropped the towel he'd been wearing?
  • Terrifying!Rei's interactions with Creepy!Rei.
• Mini Israfels discover Dance Dance Revolution.
• Chapter 49 has an absurd number:
  • Kei demonstrates an alarmingly logical method of working herself out of her obligation to Shinji. She ought to consider a career in law, that girl.
    Kei: "A liberal interpretation says that if you are unconscious, I do not need to care for you."
  • Kei meeting Shinji.
    Shinji: So... you're one of Rei's sisters?
    Kei: Yes, and I do not desire you sexually.
    Shinji: Well, that's good, I mean...
    Kei: However, a three-way with you and Miss Sohryu would be acceptable. If she was interested, of course."
    Shinji: ...And I was about to say you remind me of Mom. *Face Palm*
    Kei: Perhaps I should start over...
  • The Ree coming to the rescue!
    "And you're a 15 foot tall spider tank remotely piloted by my sisters with a raised LCL filled piloting chamber so I won't spread this damn thing to anyone else."
    In the doorway, the Reemobile raises and lowers its 16 eyed head.
    "Okay," he says, and groans, "I'm hopped up on antibiotics and sedative. It's dark out, we've got an Angel in the city, a full tank of LCL..."
    He flicks his wrist, a pair of amber lenses picked up from the end table in his hand, dropped from a miniscule black portal.
    "And I'm wearing sunglasses."
    He slides them on. A grin crosses his slightly green features.
    "Let's ride."
  • And before this, there's Hikari's assessment of Kaworu.
• Chapter 50 has Kaji's pickup line flash cards coming back, this time used by Kaworu.
• Chapter 52: Fem!Shepard headbutts the Tenth Doctor and steals his TARDIS. We can all guess what happens next.
  • For those confused about the above event, yes, this is still the same Fanfic. And that is AWESOME.
• Chapter 52, in which Annette shows us you should Beware the Nice Ones (especially the ones named Ikari)
  "I'm going to wake up Mr. Nagisa," she says, and pushes off, floating towards Kaworu, "Hold on."
  She floats over to him, gently taking him by the collar. Almost tenderly, she places her hand on the side of his face, the other hand on his shoulder...
  And then she knees him between the legs as hard as she can. Uri throws up a little in his mouth as Kaworu's eyes open with an almost inhuman scream, and the timer disappears.
  "That did it!"
• Chapter 53 and the entry of the Wuffletron 9000.
  • Gendo's "damage control" anniversary gift gets used. It's a bracelet that can be remotely triggered to sedate Yui in an emergency.
• Chapter 54. ALL of Chapter 54. Misato sums it up about halfway in: "Shinji, Asuka, and Rei have engaged several mini-angels to a Dance Battle. Dr. Ikari is high as a kite. Dr. Sohryu set Mrs. Makinami on fire. And Sub Director Sohryu has engaged Junior in a fist fight to save the virginity of his daughter." Oh, and even more Hilarity Ensues later on.
  • Junior quotes "The Bro Code" at the end.
    • This becomes even funnier when you realize Sandalphon literally translates to "the Brother"
• Chapter 55. Two words. FORM DEVASTATOR. This troper just cracked up laughing the second he saw it.
• Chapter 57: Unit 01's party hat. That is all.
• The last line of the introduction of the Ree in Chapter 57.
  While Kiko, they just notice, has on a pink and white plug suit with exaggerated A-10 connectors resembling bunny ears, the others are all dressed differently. Iti is wearing overalls and carrying a rake. Nana is dressed in a red body suit with a beret. Hatchi has a bandana on, a jacket over her plug suit, and boots over her feet. Zyuu is dressed in a french maid outfit. And Siyon is... Well, Siyon is a tree.
• Chapter 58 : Gendo ends up jumping into a virtual reality game the Ree made for Ichi's birthday several years back to save everyone from a rampant Narrator AI. His choice of character? Altair. He then fights virtual Hideki Anno.
• Chapter 60: Lily messes with Shinji at school. Portal exit: Shinji's crotch. Portal entry: Unit 01's horn.
• Chapter 61. Mana facing off against Lilith, who offers her to join Instrumentality. Her answer?
  "No! Fuck you, Staypuff! I've got a hard drive where my uterus was! I keep all my illegally downloaded songs there! You fail!"
• Chapter 62: A scheduling screwup puts Yui and Pieter together in the honeymoon suite...and Yui's still packed for her second honeymoon.
• Just about all of the convention scenes in Chapter 63. Special mention to the Ree trying to get Spike Spencer and Tiffany Grant locked in a room together, and Misato comparing a crowd full of Rei cosplayers to the last thing you see before you die.
• In chapter 63, Pieter giving the director of the in-universe NERV anime and movie a black eye over the infamous "Shinji masturbates over a comatose Asuka" scene. Best. Take That!. Ever.
  • Quite true, although in my opinion, Yui's reaction to the final episode is pretty dang close.
  "Standing around the table in the briefing room, used as an impromptu theatre, Yui Ikari takes off her glasses and rubs her eyes, smacking herself to try to tell herself that was all just a very bad dream. But no. She is awake. She saw that. Now she's trying to figure out what it was.
  "What did I just see?"
  "The season finale," Pieter explains, slumping into one of the swivel chairs, "As it turns out, the MAGI has been rewriting the scripts at Gainax. So technically, the Ree wrote the anime."
  "I...that made no sense. Why was Shinji sitting in a metal folding chair? Why was everyone congratulating him? What the Hell was going on there?"
• Chapter 67: "MY BABY BOY!"
• Chapter 68: The Israfelim PSA.
  "IT'S RAPING MY FACE!"
• Pretty much all of Chapter 71, with both the reveal that all the Ree have made plans for taking over the world, and Rei's is identical to what's happening right now, and Shinji having every girl in school plus Kensuke being violently attracted to him.
  • This is topped by chapter 72, where Asuka, in order to get out of the school where Shinji was trapped, has to defeat Shinji's seven evil half sisters!
    • This was also organized by Gendo
    • Who was also a secret boss. His battle consists of one round of rock-paper-scissors.
    • There's one particular thing in the chapter that I fouDINOSAUR TANK.
    • "What the hell is Kung Pow?"
  • And the reveal that family members aren't affected by the lust field, meaning Zyuu was taking part just for the hell of it.
• Anything involving Lilly.
  • While not strictly canon, this video based around Lilly is good for a chuckle.
  Lilly: You are fluffy and you make a funny noise. I will call you Snuggles.
• Chapter 74: Yui and Pieter's reaction to Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt.
• Chapter 75: Everyone showing up naked in a hallway after leaving Instrumentality. Including a very hairy Gendo.
• Chapter 76: During the Beach Episode, in the midst of a fight between Uri and Shinji (Long story, involving Shinji's dingaling and Asuka's hooha):
  Yui holds up the sign, written in super sized letters, 'She is mentally six years old. PS: I WILL END YOU IF I HAVE TO TELL HER WHERE BABIES COME FROM.'
  • Pretty much the rest of the chapter too, including the introduction of Zophael as she tries to talk to a beach ball, Rei and Zyuu taming a giant crab Shamselim, and most of all the rest of the Ree becoming (physically) stable and enrolling in the high school.
  • How Yui summons the Ree to deal with the Shamselim.
  Yui: *holds up a megaphone* "It's a Giant Enemy Crab!"
• Chapter 77: Shinji, Makoto, and Gendo robbing a bank dressed as Rei, the Riddler, and himself respectively.
  • And the aftermath: "I hate you so much I can feel it in my balls. And that's with me wearing a dress."
  • Don't forget how the chapter starts, with Shinji having been kidnapped into a road trip.
• The Magi taking control of a dozen mini-rei Avatar bodies and proceeding to sing several lines of 'Still Alive' as the new personality reveals itself to be GLaDOS, complete with nerve gas comment.
• Chapter 78: Go-Kun shows just how much he's like Optimus.
  "GIVE ME YOUR FACE"
• Almost all of Chapter 80. To elaborate:
  • Makoto stuck with an armed Misato in his lap during a car chase. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..."
  • Shinji's Reeification.
    • To be specific, just as the Ree each have things that they do for stuff, Shinji has his own. He cleans things. But, as a Ree, he can't just clean. He must do it by donning a lab coat and inventing a clean gun that cleans things with FIRE.
  • The Ree's new hobby: they fight crime.
  • Zophael is now officially Canon!Asuka.
  • The new hiding place for Unit 01, under the school. Incidentally, the same place as the Ree's new evil underground lair.
• Chapter 81 does the impossible and makes a dog kicking from beyond the grave completely hilarious. "And another boot to the head for my drunken bastard."
  • Also the fact that Kihl anticipated the reactions of his boot targets and prepared accordingly. And then comes the back-handed Pet the Dog moment - everyone who attended the reading of the will and was named therein gets a lifetime supply of ice cream. Black licorice flavored ice cream.
  • Also, Gendo's pre-funeral plans.
  Gendo: So, let's establish a plan. Dancing first, then spitting, then urinating on Kihl's grave.
  Yui: Let's not forget, dear, some people may actually be mourning him.
  Gendo: Their loss.
• Chapter 82: Shinji "honks" Asuka's tushie in front of Uri... So he can have Uri beat the Reeishness out of him. After their epic brawl lands them in front of an angel interrupting the fight for a moment when Shinji says:
  "Hey. That's the Angel that showed up after Asuka and I had sex." *Uri punches him in the face.*
• Chapter 83: ALL of Shinji and Uri as roommates. Especially their and Hikari's epic Flat "What" reaction to what the Reego have been up to.
• This hilarious Zeruel moment from the sister story Six AIs, One Continent:
  Zeruel: Oh my. That's f_ing rich. You're so f_ing gay, Tabris, you worked out how to have kids without needing to go near the icky girls. Even for you, that's gay.
• Chapter 87: "Yeah, ignore the camera. It wasn't like I was going to record you if you made out or anything."
• Chapter 87: Misato nonchalantly explain to Yui about how her apartment now has a big f__ing hole in it.
• Chapter 88: 00-Em A9 (one of the Keiworu, and the Reego's official crony and Dark Magical Girl, despite his protests that he's not a girl) downloads himself into the taxidermied Angel in Rei's closet. How's that for a Brick Joke?
  • From the same chapter, Merril the Murder Kitteh.
• Chapter 89: Let's play Wolf Pack!
  • To clarify: The Reego decide to play a game of hide and seek with their Uncle Shinji. Unfortunately, this involves them dragging him down like wolves with a deer when they find him. It gets worse when Merrill establishes himself as the Alpha Male of the Reego. Despite being a cat.
• Chapter 90: Shinji gives Ichi the Talk.
  • Zyuu's email to Yui about Shipping Rei (it includes kidnapping Daniel Craig), and Yui's reaction as all the pop culture references fly over her head.
  • Rei explains to the Reego that she and Go-Kun are not together like Shinji and Asuka are. She then somehow twists this into a challenge to be the greatest teenage single mother ever.
• Chapter 91: Asuka's road trip with Yui, who downs Red Bull just as much as Misato with beer, and awkwardly tries to make girl talk about her "first biological grandchild."
• Chapter 92: Asuka discovering Shinji's porn collection.
• Chapter 93: Lilith attempts to trick Shinji into coming closer to her. Shinji, having spent plenty of time with the Ree, is understandably not buying it.
• Chapter 94: Shinji, after being flung backwards in time (Long story), meets his Aunt Meredith. She's an almost EXACT copy of Rei.
• Chapter 97:
  • The pink Ramielim playing laser pointer tag with a cat (Zophael in disguise).
  • The Keiwaru discovering 4Chan.
  • Asuka discovering Naoko's porn collection. It's all stuff she's written involving Gendo. And it's hardcore. And filled with math and SCIENCE.
• Chapter 98:
  • Ichi's casual and mischievous dropping of information about herself to Shinji's friends.
  "Wait...are we going to be abducted by NERV and injected with memory altering drugs, now?"
  "It's...um," Shinji scratches the back of his head, "I don't think that happens."
  "You mean you don't remember it happening," Ichi chimes in.
  • Zophie blowing her disguise and her subsequent chat with Mari.
  • Lily deals with a reporter with a stolen coin, an improved Rube Goldberg contraption, and a man-size Rock Em' Sock Em' Evangelion.
• Chapter 99: Go-kun's idea of a strip club is an auto body shop.
• Chapter 105: Misato's very helpful clarification of the last thirty chapters' All Just a Dream status.
  Misato: "Yo humanity, yo Momma's so fat that when she enters the dream world, she snaps the suspenders of disbelief!"
• Chapter 109: Anael, the Angel of Love, projects an Anti-AT field that causes utter chaos in NERV...
  • Rei goes on a mating frenzy after Uri.
  • Zwei imprisons its new, quietly tsundere backup pilot, and no one is sure if it's because she reminds him of Asuka or if it's because he wants to somehow mate with her.
  • Unit-00 begins trying to hack the MAGI to get access to all the porn it can find.
• The (most likely non-canon) Angel Chat Room, taking place during Chapter 19:
  Leliel: "Hey, guys, I found Dad!"
  Zeruel: "F___ing dandy."
  Tabris: "Really..."
  Leliel: "Yeah! He's inside me!"
  *extremely long pause*
  Matariel: "...what."
  Sandalphon: "Who wants to sing?"
  Leliel: "No, no. I mean, he's in the Dirac Sea, and since I'm the Dirac... well, okay, but anyway: He and the Lilim weapon got caught in the Dirac Sea, so I've opened a viewer-thingy, so we can all watch him f___ up the Lilim!"
  Bardiel: "Sounds like a plan! Let's watch!"
  ...
  Matariel: "...holy crap."
  Tabris: "Oh... dear..."
  Armisael: "Did you see that? Did. You. See. That? Dad's not moving... they killed him... and now they're going to kill us! Holy f_____________!"
  Arael: "All in favor of just dropping the moon on them?"
  • And then Rei somehow logs in.
  *A new user has logged in*
  Arael: "Um... hello?"
  TEHREI: "Heeeee~ey..."
  Armisael: "Uh, fu-"
  TEHREI: "What'cha doin'?"
  Zeruel: "...stuff."
  Matariel: "G-Guys... don't move. As long as you don't move she can't see you."
  Zeruel: "That was the dinosaurs, numbskull. You know, the ones Dad killed with his own bloody hands, and then finished them off with a meteor?"
  TEHREI: "Sooooooo... which of you guys is next?"
  Matariel: "NOT IT!"
  TEHREI: "Hey. So if your dad is the brother of my other mom, does that make us cousins? Sooooo, wouldn't that make my family part of your family?"
  Arael: *gulp* "That... does make sense."
  TEHREI: "Oh. My. God. That's AWESOME! We can have picnics, and get-togethers, and play stupid board games... and in the morning, I'm making WAFFLES!"
  Israfel: "I like waffles."
  Israfel: "Me too."
  Zeruel: "Shut up, Israfel!... and Israfel!"
  *TEHREI has logged out*
  Zeruel: "Kinky... I like her."
  Arael: "She knows how to bloody find us!"
  Matariel: "I think I just soiled myself..."
  Zeruel: "Well, f___ this. I'm gonna go glass Paraguay..."

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