Behold! The many screwups and strange encounters of our favorite victim of Groundhog Day Syndrome - Joffrey Baratheon!
- Joffrey's attempt to smuggle Arya out of the Red Keep using a carriage. He quickly learns that he has no idea how to maneuver one; our hero promptly crashes into a fish stand, sending him flying into the wall, breaking his arm thus forcing him to limp back to the Red Keep on foot.
- During one of Joffrey's earlier loops, he immediately tries to poison Tyrion by distracting his uncle with the scintillating subject of "books" and then pour the entire contents of the vial into Tyrion's cup. Tyrion, playing along, does the old Look Behind You trick, and Joffrey is dumb enough to fall for it. Joffrey then drinks from his cup and realizes too late that his uncle switched them.
- This bit during the Eastern Wind loop:Mugger: Your purse or your life.Joffrey, drunk as a skunk and with a poor grasp of Valyrian: *hic*… Fuck my … *hic*…not mother!(Eastern Wind Crew appears)Baleo: No one messes with the crew of the Eastern Winds you dogs. (gestures to Voqo) Voqo.Voqo: (nods)Muggers readies their weapons.Voqo: (glares)Baleo: (glares)Muggers: (stares back)Voqo: (glares)Baleo: ...(glances at Voqo)Voqo: (glares some more)Muggers: ...?Baleo: (sighs)...Voqo, kill them.Voqo: Oh, right. (Kills muggers).
- The entirety of the Mountains Arc. Some key moments include:
- His whole visit to the Last Hearth. Which started with him asking about climbing gears but culminated with a week long Drinking Contest that ended with Tyrion Lannister winning against the Greatjon Umber. The contest is so epic it helped heal some of the Southron vs Northerners feud. Even Cersei's lecture did little to deter Joffrey.
- The Hound sulking at missing said contest.
- Joffrey inadvertently invented jogging. Basically the young man needed a way to develop his stamina as quickly as possible, since the usual way would take years he does not have. He even does it in armour, to the consternation of The Hound, who thinks Joffrey is doing it because it's part of some sick joke. This baffles everyone in the Red Keep.
- Scaring Cersei when she finds him upside down in a cupboard, doing the inverted sit-ups:Cersei: My son’s gone insane!
- Demanding Sandor to pile books on his back.
- The many, MANY failures of climbing the mountain, which ranged from starvation, falls due to inferior gear, being mauled by a Shadow Cat and falling asleep in the snow.
- When Joffrey finally conquers the Mountain, he decided to climb down by jumping off to his death yelling, "TEAM LANNISTER" all the way down. Half way, he realises that he forgot to leave the brass plaque he commissioned to commemorate his victory and could only curse before smashing against the ground.
- Post Mountain Saga: he scares Tyrion, who thought Joffrey had murdered someone and was about to kill him. Instead the young prince drags his bewildered uncle off into a night of binge drinking. Then spends the next few days eating everything in sight, ignoring the various tensions going on with his family.
- Lamenting that he can't seem to get rid of his virginity as he keeps getting interrupted or killed. He does lose it though but not before Tyrion blackmails him into it.
- His letter to everyone when he decided to leave King's Landing and head to Lys. And Cersei's furious reaction to it. How furious? She lifted-Robert-Baratheon-by-his-shirt furious.
- Cersei and Barristan Selmy having to team up to stop an enthusiastic Robert, who thinks Joffrey's left for the Essosi equivalent of "making the eight" (bedding a woman from each of the Seven Kingdoms and Riverrun), from joining him.
- This became a sort of Running Gag. Anytime Joffrey uses that excuse, Robert wants to follow only to be stopped by everyone else in court.
- The times Joffrey threatened Cersei to reveal that he knew Jaime was his 'fathuncle' and tell Robert if she doesn't allow him to leave King's Landing.
- In one loop, fed-up with the Lannister-Stark feud, he gave an angry "Reason You Suck" Speech to both Ned, Renly and Cersei, before stabbing himself to death.
- Lemons. That is all.
- Tied in with Black Comedy. During his first Despair Event Horizon, Joffrey went through several ways of killing himself. Ranging from:
- Drinking poison in front of a horrified Pycelle. Then stabbing the old man when he tries to save Joffrey.
- Demanding the (unofficial) royal torturer to torture him. When faced with the man's bewildered reaction, he proceeded to show him how to do it by plunging a knife into his cheek. The man reacts as one would expect.
- Drinking friggin' wildfire right in front of a disbelieving Hallyne, Aerion Targaryen-style, blowing himself up—and all the wildfire stored in the same location. Naturally, Hallyne dies as well.
- Joffrey meeting Daenerys Targaryen in Qarth during the Yi-Ti loop and mistaking her for a prostitute Jorah had bought and freed, to Dany's confusion and Jorah's anger
- Joff somehow becomes a frequent quest of Daenerys', outright telling her that King Robert had died, and that he forsook the Iron Throne, and giving her the rundown of the players of the War of the Five Kings, to her bewilderment
- Joff's reaction to seeing her three baby dragons, shrieking like a scared child and rambling about how much more screwed Westeros would be once she reached it
- Joffrey recounting the whole end of the Broken Knights loop to Jhos. It highlights just how absurd the whole situation had devolved, from him being Renly's prisoner, to watching Renly get assassinated by a shadow baby, to Joffrey being crowned as King by the Tyrell-Baratheon forces, then his actual shadow baby assassination by Stannis. It led to Jhos coming to the Entertainingly Wrong conclusion that Stannis is an intersex individual due to the nature of Shadow Binding, that aside from blood, requires a womb.
- Joffrey's Imagine Spot of Cersei's reaction at his Training from Hell under the Dawn Legion.
- In Chapter 36, as Joffrey is hanging for dear life to a feral dragon he's in the process of killing as it flies away from Valyria, he desperately wonders how one is supposed to control its flight.Joffrey: How do I steer this thing?! Can't be that hard, the fucking Targs managed it!
- One of Joffrey's many attempts of solving the purple. After finding out it said "EVERYONE BUT THE PURPLE PRINCE STEPS TO THE RIGHT" he forces a group of servants to line up with him at the end of the line, and literally jump to the right to see if it will give him any insight. It doesn't but it didn't stop him from attempting it several times to their amusement (and horror).
- As Joffrey is trying to figure out who is pushing Ned to investigate Robert's bastards, he eliminates suspects one by one. When he gets to Stannis, he rules him out because he "decided to dump the game overboard and flee to Dragonstone... which showed a remarkable amount of common sense really."
- The running gag of Tommen being absolutely flabbergasted by Myrcella's (who found out by accident) ability to calm and even bond with Joffrey.
- Apparently Joff and Sansa were caught having sex by the Sealord of Braavos on one of his priceless tables in his estate. The embarrassing memory still taunts the two of them several lifetimes later.
- The reaction of the nobles when Joffrey, disguised as "Ser Jonnel", declares Sansa his Queen of Love and Beauty after winning the Hand's Tourney.Cersei: This- this is an outrage! Robert!Sansa: (laughing uncontrollably) Joffrey, stop!Cersei: Robert! Jaime! This hedge knight dares-Bran: (standing up) I-I-I will not accept- (gets shoved back down by Lyra)Jory: (sword drawn) Lord Stark!!! Allow me the satisfaction!!!Barristan: Dismount and step away from Lady Sansa! Preserve what honor you have left!Joffrey: Never! I say again, never, just Kingsguard! If I am to die for my love then so be it, for gladly I would- (Sansa rips his helmet off) Hey! (shuts him up with a Big Damn Kiss)(Stunned Silence all around)Arya: EWWWWW!
- And then Sansa joins him on his horse as they ride around the arena and the smallfolk clap and cheer, while Robert laughs until he cries, the other girls simply lament that now they have to deal with Septa Mordane again, Ser Barristan is left slack-jawed, and even Cersei can't help but chuckle at the absurdity of the entire situation.
- Chapter 45. Ned Stark - supreme responsible guy - upon finding out that his friend and King is in the midst of dueling with his son (and just lost).Ned: (runs towards Robert and Joffrey after their first bout, incredulous) Robert! What is the matter with you?!Deep inside, Robert had known this sudden, godly moment of fun and something else had been too good to last.Ned: (sternly before shouting) Robert!!! Pull yourself together! [...] BREAK HIS SHAMELESS PAWS!!!Robert: (wait, what?)Ned: (downing his tankard, wiping off the foam and glaring at Robert) Whatr’ re’ you waiting for?!Robert: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Chapter 47: Lancel keeps pestering Olyvar to lend him his far eye... since he lost his in a bet with Glyra.
- Pocket's Wisdom from the Gutter:
"Lack of Arbor Gold does funny’ things te’ Reacherfolk." - Chapter 48: Sansa teasing Meera Reed over her crush for her half-brother:
- Chapter 52: Joff and Sansa share a cute back and forth regarding Margaery's attempts to curry favor for her disgruntled house. Joff offers to talk to her but Sansa immediately shoots down the notion, no doubt worried how far the Tyrell woman would go to convince Joffrey.
- Chapter 53: As another life starts, Joffrey outlines all of his new ideas to stop Daenerys, from larger and more powerful weapons to increased armies. Sansa just suggests sending an assassin before she can raise much fuss, as her dragons are much dumber without her.
- Joffrey's Seen It All attitude. He considers fighting Drogon one-on-one a chore and even Stygai's last day and the eldritch horror in it are "merely" the second most disturbing thing he ever saw.
- Meta: the fans have immediately decided that the most disturbing thing was Joffrey walking on his parents having sex.
- Chapter 60. Sansa slaps down Joff's proposal to deal with Daenerys. No dragon choirs, no catapults, and no exploding Harrenhal.
- Joff named the ox he bought for help with his fieldwork "Stennis", no doubt after a certain Baratheon uncle with a similar temperament to said animal
- Joff meets his granduncle Gerion, who's almost Tywin's twin, with a woman on each knee, laughing like a lunatic, and bedecked on the traditional Summer Islands warrior garb. Just the very picture demolishes Joff's Seen It All attitude.
- After Gerion has a good look at Joff:
Gerion: There’s no mistaking it, you look like Jaime’s spit at that age. You’re his or Cersei’s?Joffrey: Both.Gerion: Oh. - Chapter 61: Gerion explains that he made up those plans of fetching Brightroar from Valyria as a means to get away from Tywin and Casterly Rock to live his own life, and scoffs at the idea of doing something as dangerous and stupid as that. So of course his reaction to Joffrey pulling Brightroar out of nowhere is absolute priceless.
- Chapter 66: Joffrey and Sansa bickering Like an Old Married Couple never fails to amuse, but Ned Stark seeing Joffrey getting a little too handsy with his daughter obviously does not sit well with him. So what if you are a century old time-looper, peerless Warrior Prince, and Chosen One destined to save humanity from extinction? Like hell are you gonna treat Ned’s little girl in anyway he deems inappropriate!
