Funny / Threadbare South Park

Unlike most South Park fanfics, which tend to be Hurt/Comfort or Dark Fics, Threadbare South Park actually manages to retain the humor of its source material.

Gender Confusion: The Trilogy

• When Mr. Garrison is introducing Charlie as a "she", Kyle asks if he meant "he". Mr. Hat responds with "Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whoop you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?"
• "Mr. Garrison said 'sex'."
• "Now, as you all know, children, Zha Zha Gabor had the widest canyon of a vagina the human race has ever seen."
• Clyde thinks Minnesota is from the UK.
• Stan and Wendy have an awkward conversation, asking if Charlie wants to go out with Bebe. Wendy doesn't know Charlie is a girl.
• This exchange between Randy and Sharon:
  Sharon: The boys invited a little lesbian girl over today.
  Randy: Well, that's swell!
  Sharon: I'm just so happy our son is so open-minded.
  Randy: I guess we did a good job of raising him after all, Sharon. Go us! [High five]
• The boys and Charlie watching SpongeBob.
  SpongeBob: Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?
  Patrick: Uhhh…
  SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! How do you like my new pet jellyfish?
  Squidward: [Mumbles angrily]
  Mr. Krabs: Money!
  Kyle: Dude, this show sucks.
• "Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!"
• The doctor operating on Charlie making jokes about Paris Hilton.

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner

• The boys and Charlie on Red Bull.
  Charlie: LET'S PLAY RING-AROUND-THE-ROSIE!
  Cartman: Holy SHIT, I LOVE that game!
• This exchange:
  Cartman: Damn it! Stan, what is she doing here?
  Charlie: I live here.
  Stan: She's gonna hang out with us tonight.
  Kenny: WOOHOO! This is fucking awesome!
  Charlie: Don't worry. I'm still sleeping in Shelly's room.
  Kenny: Aw…
• When the group goes to Warren Zevon for answers and are scared out of their minds by his story, he tries to cheer them up by singing "Excitable Boy". It doesn't help at all.
  Kyle: Dude, you're worse than Chef!
• When the boys and Charlie manage to escape from Roland and pass Zevon's butler, Lionel:
  Lionel: Are you gentlemen and lady in need of anything else this afternoon?
  Stan: Dude, Warren Zevon just got killed by Roland the headless Thompson gunner.
  Lionel: I'm dreadfully sorry you had to see that, children. I believe your Chef is waiting in his car in the drive. Please do visit again.
• Stan's mom attempting to make small talk with Roland.
• When Kenny is killed by a stampede of Taylor Swift fans, Charlie is the only one who seems to remotely care.
  Charlie: Oh my God! Oh my God! [She starts crying.] Poor Kenny! Damn you, Taylor Swift!
  Cartman: (in a high-pitched mocking voice) Ooh, I'm Charlie! I cry when Kenny gets trampled to death because I'm a pansy little girl!
  Stan: Yeah. Don't be such a wuss, Charlie.
  Charlie: (sniffle) You guys are assholes.
• After Roland kills Taylor Swift:
  Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Charlie: Hooray!

Elephant Balls

• After Mr. Garrison assigns an essay on the differences between a fruit and vegetable, Kyle and Cartman share this exchange:
  Kyle: I bet you've never even eaten a vegetable before.
  Cartman: Yeah-huh, I've had corn on the cob. And French fries count as vegetables now too. Hooray for the Supreme Court!
• Mr. Garrison's substitute sending kids to the principal at the slightest provocation and for the most minor of offenses.
  (All the hat-wearing kids are waiting outside the principal's office)
  Principal Victoria: My god! What did all you kids do?
  Craig: Mrs. Grimm decided that wearing hats in school was against the rules.
• Charlie repeatedly asking what a scrotum is.
  • Later, when the fourth graders are formulating a plan to help Mr. Garrison, Butters doesn't know what it is either.
  Cartman: Oh my God, Butters.
• When Charlie gets the idea to say Mr. Garrison has brain cancer instead of scrotum elephantitis:
  Kyle: You mean we should lie?
  Charlie: It's not lying exactly. Well, yeah, it's lying, but it isn't a bad lie.
• The various townsfolk fleeing from the students' bake sale table after hearing about Mr. Garrison having scrotum elephantitis.
  • They ALMOST get one couple to help out the cause, before running like hell when they find out the cause.
• This line from Mayor McDaniels:
  Would you please tell these kids I'm not really Aquaman?
  • When Cartman introduces himself, he adds "By the way, before we start, I LOVED you in Aquaman."
• After giving a long-winded, forty-five minute speech to the Mayor about why Mr. Garrison should have the money to pay for his surgery:
  Mayor: Well, that was a very moving presentation, boys. I'm truly touched.
  Cartman: So you'll change the policy?
  Mayor: I'm afraid I can't do that.
  Stan: What?
  Mayor: I don't make those sorts of decisions. You'll have to talk to the school board about that.
  Beat
  Cartman: (kicking the easel over) Oh, goddamn it!

Girl Scout Cookies

• Girl Scout Cookies is probably the funniest episode of the series. It's just hilarious from start to end.
• Cartman's Big "NO!" when he finds out Girl Scout Cookie season is over.
• There is apparently a "Sexual Appeal" merit badge.
• The Girl Scouts discussing whether Clyde or Craig is cuter.
• When Cartman sees the huge stacks of Thin Mints in the cookie factory and starts dancing around:
  Manager: That boy sure loves Thin Mints.
• Cartman gloating about how he got all the Girl Scout Cookies, and that the other boys suck ass.
  Becca: Ew! Sucking ass would taste like poo!
  Liane: It's actually more fun than it sounds.
  Beat
• "I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND TAKE THIS FROM SOME SKANKY LITTLE BITCH! I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY, AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!"
• While Cartman and Charlie are in the midst of arguing loudly, Liane comes in:
  Liane: I'm ordering pizza! What toppings would you kids like?
  Cartman: PEPPERONI!
  Charlie: SAUSAGE!
  They glare at each other
  Cartman: WE WANT PEPPERONI, MOM!
  Charlie: NO WE DON'T! WE WANT SAUSAGE BECAUSE PEPPERONI TASTES LIKE VOMIT! IT'S LIKE EATING PIZZA AFTER SOMEONE VOMITS ON IT! WE WANT SAUSAGE!
  Cartman: (over Charlie) PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI!
  Liane: Okay, I'm ordering one sausage and one pepperoni. Would you kids like any breadsticks to go with it?
  Cartman: YES!
  Charlie: MAKE SURE TO GET A FEW DOZEN EXTRA FOR TUBBY!
  Liane: Alright, dears. Have fun.
• At the end, Stan and Kyle are watching the news.
  Newscaster: In local news, a house fire has been extinguished on the west side of South Park. Apparently, the house went up in flames after an accident in the backyard meth lab. Although the house remains intact, nine-year-old Kenneth McCormick tragically died when, after escaping the home unharmed, he suddenly ran back inside. His last words were allegedly, "Oh shit. I had thirty dollars in my coat pocket," before he succumbed to a number of third degree burns and smoke inhalation.
  Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
  Kyle: You bastards!
• This exchange:
  Kyle: Dude, how was getting arrested?
  Charlie: It was a bundle of laughs, Kyle. Thanks for asking.