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Harry Potter

• In 893 when Harry is scolded by his new guardian for fighting:
  Oyabun Musashi: Yusuke! Yamero!
  Harry/Yusuke: Sir?
  Oyabun Musashi: Never punch someone with your thumb like that and never in the face. There's too much bone, you'll hurt your hand.

• The Adventures of Icarus, the Invisible Poltergeist has quite a few. "Sir? Why does the Muggle cauldron have a hat?"
• The Black Bunny in which Voldemort's animagus form is a cute little black bunny.
  • Later there's the instance where Voldemort makes Draco work with Hermione:
  "Really, that's not the best of partnerships. You know they hate each other," Harry said. "Draco used to bring out the worst in me. He'll have no problems doing it to Herm—"
  "I AM ONE WORD AWAY FROM KILLING YOU, MALFOY!! BACK OFF YOU WHINY LITTLE GIT!"
  "YOU COULDN'T KILL A FLY, GRANGER! NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, BUT THE FLIES CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF FILTH LIKE YOU. NOT EVEN THE LOWEST OF INSECTS WILL GO NEAR—"
  By that time, Harry's eyes had been closed and he'd prepared for the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Though really, it sounded like heavy books hitting against flesh.
  "My nose!" Draco wailed, his voice clogged as if his nose was full of blood. "She broke my nose!"
  "I told you," Harry said to Tom.
  "Malfoy had that coming."
  Tom and Harry turned towards the man who'd softly spoken the words. They'd forgotten he was even there. "He did," Harry said with a grin. "Yep!"
  "You are dismissed," Tom murmured to Charleston. The Auror stood, bowed, and then departed.
  "Is he a pureblood?" Harry asked curiously.
  "Half-blood."
  "You are such a hypocrite. Pureblood supremacy and blah blah blah..."
  "And you are a bloody headache waiting to happen."
  • From the same fic there's this:
  Harry led [Tom Riddle] over to a table and called for Tally. "Bring Master's victory cake," he instructed the moment she appeared. Tally bowed and instantly vanished again.
  A minute later, Tom was staring down at the table where the house elf had returned and placed Harry's chocolate cake. Words were scrawled upon the top of the cake with white icing. The message read: Congratulations! You did something right!

• The Carols For Crazies on The HMS STFU, a series of Christmas-themed filks, were all funny, but especially the final one entitled "/".
  Bu-u-u-u-u-u-ggery,
  Is what the story needed!
  (and later)
  Bi-i-i-i-i-i-o-logy
  We'll surely be ignoring!
  A-a-a-a-a-a-a-ass babies
  We soon will be recording!
• Dark Lord Rising has an instance where some aurors throw a large, drunk prisoner into Draco's cell and much squealing could be heard from that cellblock and then there's The Reveal:
  [Auror Trainee Kenneth Worthington IV] opened the cell door and stopped dead in his tracks. Draco was curled up in the corner of the lower bunk pointing his wand at a piglet that was running in circles squealing in a panic while trying to find a way out.
  Realizing that someone must have played a joke on the poor boy, Kenneth quickly stunned the disgusting animal and picked it up to remove it from the cell. Concerned, he turned to the boy and asked gently, "Are you okay, Mr. Malfoy?"
  Draco had been in a blind panic when the brute of a man was about to mount him like some common tart that he almost forgot about the holdout wand that he kept up his sleeve that the auror didn't take when he was thrown inside. Unable to articulate a spell, he jabbed his wand at his attacker and his magic responded to his desperation and transfigured the man into a piglet.
  He had curled into the corner of the bed and covered himself with the sheets while keeping his wand pointed at the pig in case his transfiguration failed. Suddenly, he realized that the squealing had stopped and the kind auror that helped him maintain as much of his dignity as possible was standing part way in the cell holding an unconscious pig.
  Clearing his throat, Draco managed to sound as haughty as possible and half drawled, half shrieked, "No, I'm not alright! Some wanker threw a squealing pig from the kitchens in my cell!"
  Blushing at the mild rebuke, Auror Worthington said hurriedly, "I'm so sorry, Milord. I'll make sure this pig finds its way back to the kitchens and report this to my superiors."
  Smiling inwardly, Draco conciliatorily said, "Please forgive my rudeness. Someone just wanted to play a joke on me, I'm sure. No one needs to get into trouble on my account."
  "As you wish, Sir." Kenneth answered with a smile before asking, "Do you need anything else to make you comfortable?"
  Draco took a look at the pig slash would be rapist in the aurors' arms and said simply, "Perhaps a bacon sandwich and a spot of tea wouldn't be a bad way to start my morning after such a rude awakening."

• The So Bad, It's Good fic Dark Secrets has the theoretically disturbing scene in which Ron the Death Eater breaks into the OC's room to menace her. With the line "my preciousss".
• Deserving's classic line: "I hate that you have a cock!"
• In the fanfic Fauna's Fate Harry was abandoned by the Dursleys in an orphanage, and was found and adopted by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. At age 15, he enrolls in Hogwarts and is sorted into Slytherin. Naturally, there he has to deal with Draco Malfoy, who attempts to assert himself as the top dog. From the start, Harry calls Malfoy "Smallboy" in a reference to his relatively short stature. This nickname slowly makes its way around Hogwarts, culminating in a Transfiguration class in which, after Harry throws Malfoy's wand out of the window, McGonagall arrives and the following exchange takes place:
  McGonagall: Take your seat, Mr. Malfoy.
  Malfoy: Professor McGonagall, Black threw...
  McGonagall: Your seat.
  Malfoy: But my wand...
  McGonagall: TAKE YOUR SEAT, MR. SMALLBOY!
• When Malfoy tries to insult Harry in For Love of Magic, Harry simply thinks how "Draco is one of those rare people that preferred their humiliations happen in public."
  • A couple years later, Tonks and Harry are talking about Narcissa's improved attitude when she suspects he used Soul Magic to make her a better person.
  Tonks: Harry, did you fuck my aunt in the soul?
  Harry: Yes, I fucked your aunt in the soul.
• The famous Lily/James diary-style fanfic Haggis from Algernon. The entire fucking thing, although anything related to the character of Helena Hodge is particularly hilarious. Also these lines:
  James: Note to self: must teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.
  James: You have a nice bum. I like your hair. Marry me, yeah?
  Lily: I'll marry Snape just to piss him off. And then I'll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!
  Lily: *about Sirius* Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.
  • Also, James leaving the Marauder's Map to Remus in his will, because he "doesn't trust the other two not to lose it."
• All of Harry Potter & the Azkaban Paradoy, in which everyone demands that Harry forgive them for wrongfully sending him to Azkaban Prison for "one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty six seconds," killing his owl right in front of him, stealing from him, and destroying his property without actually asking him for their forgiveness.
  Dumbledore: Yes, you see I managed to get a law passed that says you, Harry Potter, have to complete your education at Hogwarts where you will be constantly bombarded with all the people you don't want to see until we break you down and force you to forgive us.
• When Draco tries mocking Harry in Harry Potter and the Three Rules, Harry cuts him right down.
  Draco: "I so pity those who have to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays because they're not wanted at home."
  Harry: "Me too. But even worse are the ones who, after all these years, still haven't received an ounce of subtlety for Christmas."

• The "abusive Dursleys" and "Harry the Death Eater" plots are parodied in Harry Potters Anonymous when the various Harry Potters from multiple fanfic universe have a meeting:
  "In any case, I can assure you that none of us are planning to join the Death Eaters any time soon–"
  
  A shifty-looking Potter raised his hand. "Ah, well, I might've changed my mind about that..."
  
  The Potter wearing the Death Eater mask cheered loudly. "Welcome, brother! I am pleased to be informed that you have regained your sensibilities and have decided to claim your proper place in life!"
  
  "Yes, well–" the Potter who had previously been in control of the conversation attempted to regain it.
  
  "Damn, mate! How could you do that to us?" wailed a redheaded Potter.
  
  "'E said 'e'd get me away from the Dursleys, 'e did," admitted the shifty-looking Potter.
  
  "The Dursleys?" the nerdy-looking Potter asked, confused expression plastered over his face. "Why? What did they ever do to you?"
  
  "They beat me," said the shifty-looking Potter. "And made me stay in the cupboard under the stairs whenever they had guests over."
  
  "My uncle used to lock me in the cupboard under the stairs for months at a time!" another Potter shouted in indignation. "But you don't see me complaining about it, do you?"
  
  "The cupboard? That's nothing! He used to lock me in a closet!"
  
  "A closet? What are you complaining about? You had it good! My uncle would shove me underneath a loose floorboard at night! And then he'd pull a rug over it so I couldn't get out!"
  
  "At least you had that! My uncle would put me in a shoebox! Then he'd wrap it in fifty feet of chains, and lock it in the garden sheds."
  
  There was a moment of silence as all present bowed their heads.
  
  "Good old Vernon," the nerdy-looking Potter said with something approaching fondness in his voice.
  
  "Good ole Verny," the drunk Potter agreed with a hiccup.
  
  "He still beat me," said the shifty-looking Potter, now looking decidedly uncomfortable.
  
  "Ah, those were the days," agreed another Potter.
  
  "I remember this one time, he hit me so hard I saw stars," the nerdy Potter said.
  
  "You saw stars?" another Potter scoffed. "You got off easy. Once he hit me so hard I saw entire galaxies of stars."
  
  "Pah!" said another Potter, the glass of Firewhiskey in his hand held at a precarious angle. "That's nothing! The old man used to hit me so hard I saw galaxies, daily."
  
  "If he just hit you, you were lucky. My uncle used to whip me with his belt every day!"
  
  "You mean he only used his belt? So what? My uncle used a whip!"
  
  "A whip? Please. Vernon used to beat me over the head with a broken beer bottle every time I came home!"
  
  "I only wish my uncle had used a beer bottle! He used to stab me repeatedly with a knife every night before he went to bed!"
  
  "Oh really? That's nothing! My uncle used to beat me to death every night, and dance on my grave!"
  
  Everyone looked admiringly at the Potter wearing the black fedora.
  
  "And we mustn't forget our dear old Aunt Petunia," sighed one Potter, a disturbingly lovesick expression on his pasty face.
  
  "Petunia," sighed another. "Dear, dear Petty."
  
  "She tried to drown me in a bucket of cleaning solution once," the nerdy looking Potter said wistfully.
  
  "Once? That's nothing! She tried to drown me repeatedly!"
  
  "Tried to? You got off lucky! She drowned me so bad I actually died!" exclaimed the Potter in the Death Eater mask.
  
  A pause.
  
  "I got better."

• From The Horrible Interpretation Of The Prophecy:
  Voldemort's letter: Dear Sworn Enemy,
  It has recently come to my attention that you are gay.
  This is of great concern to me. I know you have repeatedly said you will not join me, but I am still worried. I know I am dead sexy-
  Hermione: What?
  Harry: That's what it says.
  Ron: Oh yeah. I know loads of girls who are completely turned on by a guy with no body.
  Voldemort's letter: but I feel obliged to tell you that I am straight.
  Ron: Hey, 'mione. Do you reckon that means you have a shot with him?
  Hermione: Shut up, Ronald.
  Voldemort's letter: Now, I am unsure of how much Dumbledore has told you, but I have another reason for concern. A prophecy exists involving us.
  I know what the first half says. To summarize, someone has the power to vanquish me.
  Now, my reason for concern is that I fear you are the one who is suppose to vanquish me. I fear you are going to try and do this through sex. That is the reason for this letter.
  Harry: Voldemort wrote me a letter because he thinks I am going to bugger him to death. My life has reached a new low.
  Voldemort's letter: I also would like to tell you that I have several followers who are, um, indecisive in regards to their preferred gender. While it is good that you have picked one, I must say I believe you made the wrong decision. Women are great. Just the other day, I was remembering my later years at Hogwarts. There is a broom cupboard that is perfect for-
  Harry: NO. I'm not reading the rest of it. There are two pages that go into great detail regarding why I shouldn't be gay.
  Hermione: Skip ahead.
  Voldemort's letter: In conclusion, do not be gay. If you neglect this piece of advice, take another. Do not be gay with me. It will anger me, but it will not vanquish me. Now I turn the rest of the parchment over to Wormtail, who so generously wrote this for me, as I still lack a body. That does not make me any less sexy, though.
  Wormtail's message: Harry, if you still feel the need to be gay after my master's wonderful reasoning of why not to be, then let me say this. Your father, had I not gotten him killed, would not think any less of you for who you are. Indeed, many times with I believe both Sirius and later Remus-
  Harry: AHHHHHH.

• Hermione in The Hunt for Harry Potter does not take insults well.
  Tonks: "Uh Hermione? When cornering a suspect, the proper course of action is to ask for them to surrender. Not yell, 'What did you call me?!', blow them up, laugh, blow up the rubble, laugh some more, blow up the rubble of the rubble, then say, 'Who's the bitch now, bitch?'."

• An Interesting Little Legal Problem by After the Rain has this gem:
  "That's the Black family tree, the original document. It was attached to the wall with a Permanent Sticking Charm, so we had to wait for the next full moon and get our resident werewolf to gnaw it off, but I think he made a pretty neat job of it. No damage to the tapestry."
• Knowledge is Power gives us a glorious piece of (probably) Accidental Innuendo courtesy of Sirius, who's contemplating dating after seeing how happy it's made Remus:
  Sirius was just going to have to do a Moony, he needed to get up off his arse and go for it.
• In Langsyne Snape makes assumptions:
  "What are you all doing out here?" Severus inquired of the group that appeared to be gathered outside of a particular room.
  
  "Shush." One of the robed men whispered to him, jostling for a position closer to the door.
  
  Snape felt his wand hand twitch at the blatant disrespect showed him. Here he was, one of the highest ranking Death Eaters –that being the inner circle – told, as if he were a child, to be quiet. "Who is in there?"
  
  "My Lord and the vampire." Said another which was quickly followed by, "Now shut up, I can't hear."
  
  Severus grimaced. When had the Death Eaters lowered themselves to a show of voyeurism? And on the Dark Lord of all people! The whole lot of them had to be damn near suicidal.
  
  "I've never heard of that one."
  
  "Me either."
  
  "There went the table."
  
  Severus turned a touch green. He didn't need, nor want to know what happened between his masters. It was bad enough just having the knowledge that they were intimate; he didn't need to eavesdrop as well.
  
  "Oh, the whip again!"
  
  "I can't believe that vampire holds up so well."
  
  "Well, you know what they say…."
  
  "Big things in small packages?"
  
  The group snickered. Snape turned abruptly on his heal and marched away as fast as he could without it appearing like he was fleeing.
  
  "Wonder where he's going?"
  
  "Don't know, but he's always been a bit squeamish. Especially of late."
  
  "Still, the curses they're using are amazing."
• The Lie I've Lived. After his battle with the Dementors at the end of PoA, Harry finds out that he has all his dad's memories, courtesy of all the weird magic flying around the night Voldemort tried to kill him. When he tells Sirius:
  Harry: Didn't I tell you to shut it? It shook loose something all right, but it wasn't power. I found all of Prongs's memories in my head – the entire life and times of James Potter.
  Sirius: If you're having one on me, Harry, this isn't a funny joke.
  Harry: If I was having one on I'd tell you I have Lily's memories and now I'm gender confused.
  • An honourable mention must go to the way HJ (as he styles himself soon after the events spoiler-tagged above) deals with the First Task. It has to be read to be believed, but to give you some idea of the sheer awesomeness of it, the only reason Albus denied him a perfect ten was because he committed the cardinal sin of covering a Rolling Stones song other than "Ruby Tuesday".
    • It may need mentioning that The Lie I've Lived is not a Crack Fic, and is completely serious about that encounter. It Makes Sense in Context, of course.
• In Like a Red-Headed Stepchild, the Basilisk speaks in "snek talk" such as calling itself the "Supreme Danger Noodle".
• Make a Wish basically consists entirely of these: After finding out about the prophecy in book 5, Harry decides to have a bit of fun before his inevitable end at the hands of Voldemort and goes on a world trip. He travels from country to country in the disguise of "Mr. Black" and due to an egregious amount of dumb luck and strange coincidences, he dispatches Death Eaters and other bad guys left and right without really realizing what he is doing. The whole time, "Mr. Black" is watched by various magical law enforcement organizations, reporters, etc. who are convinced that Harry's bumbling around is actually a case of Obfuscating Stupidity. When Harry returns to England, "Mr. Black" is dreaded all over the world as the biggest badass dark-wizard-killer of known history, who is older and more powerful than Merlin himself, was responsible for the sinking of Atlantis, etc. pp.
  • Which gets an even more hilarious shoutout in the [[Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!]] fanfic where Harry is a Master thief and breaks into various houses. However, he hasn't been around in public and Dumbledore and various other Wizards are musing as to what he might be up to. Suddenly a Wizard yells that "Harry has changed his name to Black and is secretly kicking Voldemorts ass!".
• The Man in Draco's Bed is basically made of this. A desperate Lucius, standing in Malfoy Manor's entrance hall, pointing a gun to his own temple, says it all: “THAT’S IT. I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I’VE GOT BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING “SCRATCH THE KITTY” WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO’S EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT…IS… NOW … OFFICIALLY …OVER!”
• The Naked Quidditch Match: All of Harry and Voldemort's correspondence, full stop:
  To: Potter
  From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
  Re: Re: Minions
  Are you threatening ME?
  -LV

  To: TOMMY!!!!
  From: Harry Potter
  Re: Re: Re: Minions
  Why, yes! Now that you ask.
  Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
  - Harry

• "A story of pain and sorrow, not intented for comfort or laughter... a story that remains untold, on of abuse and blood... telling of a shattered girl who learned to twist a heart of stone into one of warm gold. This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt... to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his... is Señor Draco."
• Newton Knows Best is one long laugh-fest, but the description of Gladderbee's comet (which becomes a Brick Joke) takes the cake:
  ...she quite wanted to accelerate James’ mass with the amount of force necessary to place him straight in the path of one of the tree’s flailing branches. She didn’t, though. Mainly because she thought it wouldn’t get her her wand back any time before Gladderbee’s Comet came round again (Gladderbee’s Comet passes the Earth every five hundred years, and only if it happens to be a year in which a leprechaun of the age of six hundred and sixty-nine years old has died standing up, his left eye closed in a wink, while he is having a flirtation with a fairy with green wings. In the entire infinite expanse of time, Gladderbee’s Comet has only passed the Earth an extra-ordinary total of zero consecutive times)
  • Also, Lupin's reaction to Lily's behavior in the hospital wing.
• In Obsessive Lily Disorder there are countless moments, some of the best being:
  • "Thanks, Sirius," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."
  "Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked Sirius.
  "Of course I do!"
  "Alright then, name one."
  "Err... Bellatrix!"
  "She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."
  "Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.
  "Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends."
  • Sirius puts a spell on James that forces him to only speak in rhyme: "Your name is Sirius Black. You are on crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"
  • Everything to do with the Peenapul sisters. Everything.
  "Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs sees Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? Historical figures."
  Remus made a hellish glare. "Bend over before I bite you."
  • All of James' suicide attempts. Particularly the one where he tries to drown himself in the lake.
  "Hey, they're my handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."
  - "Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.
  Remus looked at him incredulously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"
  "Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."
  James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.
  "Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.
  Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"
  • The entire scene when James and Peter walk in on Sirius tying Remus up so he can force-feed him Polyjuice Potion and jump to the wrong conclusion.
  • When James lampshades the fact that a lot of the songs Sirius keeps singing haven't been written yet (because it's set in the 70's.)
• In the sequel You Give Me Heart Palpitations we have:
  • Sirius' version of the Lord' Prayer: "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice - especially toast - trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad.”
  • Sirius singing 'Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting' and Remus threatening to leap off the back of their broom if he didn't shut up.
  • James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Pettigrew missing the train and attempting to walk to Hogwarts.
  Sirius suddenly thought of an ingenious idea and stopped walking, making the others take attention to him. "Oooow," he moaned, rather theatrically. He put the back of his hand to his head and groaned again, hovering a foot in the air. "My foot hurts," he shot an inclining look at Remus, "Moony, could you be a doll and-"
  "Don't even think about it."
  • Sirius' letter to Dumbledore explaining that they missed the train, which gets exceedingly off-topic.
  Yo, Dumbley-door!
  Just writing a note to tell you we are cool (teenage slang word for fine and well).
  No need to worry about us, especially me since I am exceedingly missed, mostly by Professor McGonagall who is probably reading this over your shoulder and was in your office because she was giving you a spanking! OH YEAH, SIRIUS BLACK KNOWS ALL, MATE. Don't think that I haven't seen you two do footsie under the teachers' table in the great hall, you two! If you don't give me a million galleons by tomorrow evening at seventeen hundred hours, I will be forced to declare your TEACHERS SEX to the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the breakfast table. DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT, MATEY-
  Remus eyed Sirius' trouser pocket with suspicion, the clothing looking more active than usual. "You can let him out now."
  Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
  "Peter. You can let Peter out now."
  "That's funny, 'cos I thought you were referring to my-"
  "Don't even," Remus cut in shortly.
  • Sirius calling everyone 'papoose' as both an insult and a term of endearment, despite Remus' frequent protests that that neither is the real definition.
  • A conversation between James and Sirius about Remus' 'furry little problem' leads Frank Longbottom to believe that they're planning an orgy with a rabbit.
  • Sirius' alternative names for Hogsmeade whilst drunk: Hoogamed, Hogmeedy and Hoggasmed.
  • "Yawning, James was about to make his way to his dorm for bed, when he remembered Lily was still unconscious on the floor – sadly remembering it too late as he tripped over one of her strewn arms with a "What the bugger!" "
  - "I really think getting drunk in a forbidden forest is a bad idea. You're likely to get molested by a centaur," said James.
  "Ugh," Sirius shuddered. "You know what the worst part about that would be? They'd probably do it while commenting every few seconds, 'Mars is bright tonight'."
  "The way they go on about the luminosity of Mars you'd think it was decorated in Christmas tree lights."
  "I wish it was so I could actually see it in the sky for once when a centaur remarks about it."
  He looked over her shoulder and scanned the note; his face quickly matched Lily's. "My, it appears to be drawings of stick people."
  "Labeled after us," Lily pointed to their names. "And what exactly are the stick people doing, James?"
  He had a feeling she very well knew what the diagrams of the stick people were doing - she just wanted to embarrass him. And she was doing an exceptional job of it, turning him redder than ever.
  "They're…" He cleared his throat. "They're having… sex, in various impossible positions." He met Lily's eyes and looked apologetic. "I swear I did not draw those-"
  "Sirius," Lily presumed before he went on. "For someone who you've said has never even had sex, it's rather alarming that he knows so many ways to… apparently break your groin."
  "Especially in that one," James tapped the parchment with a squirm. "We should leave this around to freak out some first years."
  Lily stared at him. "And that is why Dumbledore chose you as Head Boy."
• In Of a Linear Circle Part VI, Rita Skeeter has just written yet another ludicrous article, and the following ensues:
  Ron Weasley: What am I reading, guys? I know I’m not the smartest bloke in this school, but I’m seeing words and they make no sense.
  Lee Jordan: Rita Skeeter.
  Ron Weasley: Never mind. Suddenly it makes perfect sense.
• Palimpsest has this conversation between Harry and Draco while they're chained up in a dungeon for detention:
  Harry: "Hang around here often?"
  Draco: "No, first time for me. Do Muggles do this a lot?"
  Harry: "I suppose it had to happen, sooner or later. I mean, if Filch never got to chain anyone up, no one would take him seriously anymore, would they?"
  Draco: "True, true. But even though it's an old, traditional, and customary punishment, I'm not really certain Father will consider my present situation one likely to add luster to the Malfoy name."
  Harry: "So, sucks to be you?"
  Draco: "Sucks and double sucks. Professor Snape is my Godfather. What he leaves will, sooner or later, get worked over by Father. For my own good. For letting down the name."
  Harry: "Belt or cane?"
  Draco: "Please, please, Potter. We're an old and magical family. Belt and cane are so… Muggle. Pain and humiliation have been studied for hundreds of years by my family. You couldn't understand…"
  Harry: "Sucks to be you. I'm sorry, and I don't even like you. And we two didn't even start it! I mean, here we are, and… why?"
  Draco: "Malfoys lead, even when we don't. Uneasy lies the head that wears the… hair? All of a sudden I'm not feeling all that witty. I'll just get quiet, and… panic. Ah, you're not bad company, Potter."
• Partially Kissed Hero:
  • Harry needs to distract Dumbledore, so he dupes the entire Wizarding government of England into thinking that the evil American muggle Colonel Harland Sanders (KFC) and his cronies Barney the Dinosaur and a doughboy from Pillsbury are out to kill them with eleven herbs and spices.
  • After Harry hires most of Hogwarts' house-elves, the now understaffed Hogwarts elves start bringing in food from outside instead of cooking dinner themselves to cut down the workload—starting with hundreds of buckets of KFC. Dumbledore has a heart attack upon seeing it and is dragged away screaming about how eleven herbs and spices were going to poison them all.
• From The Power To Vanquish The Dark Lord:
  Harry: So, I just need to know how to fall in love when I don't want to and I completely hate the person and want him dead.
  Hermione: You do know that's usually not the best place to start from?

• Random Mutterings at the Back *At the Little Hangelton graveyard, random Death Eaters at the back discuss:*

  1: Sir is still yakking. Oh shit he's going to tell us how clever he is... and my knees are killing me. My rheumatism will 'alf give me gyp kneeling in a damp churchyard.

  2: And listen to him whinge on about how we didn't spend the last 12 bloody years crawling all over Europe looking for him. As if I didn't have better things to do with my time.

  1: Too right. 'Mightier than any living wizard' my arse. If he's so fucking mighty, why doesn't he just curse Potter instead of talking us all to death?

  2: I think I've ruptured something. Not natural balancing on one knee.

  1: Doesn't he go on.....

  ....

  1: Oh come on, just KILL him and be done with it.

  2: What's the hurry?

  1: I think I've left the cauldron on.

  2: What's that he's going on about now? Why doesn't he just kill him?

  1: Too bloody fond of the sound of his own voice. Squeaky git...

• A good part of Odd Ideas, but the one that takes the cake is Chapter 152, "Warden Black", where it is found very early that Sirius is innocent and, in exchange, he demands being made Warden of Azkaban. To carry out his plan to turn the Death Eaters into useless wastes of space (just in case Voldemort tries to break them out), he puts televisions in every cell to hook the Death Eaters into Muggle TV programs and hires a Muggle-born to cook incredibly fattening food (to be given to the prisoners six times a day). Fifteen years later...
  Voldemort invades a surprisingly lacking-in-defenses Azkaban, and gets interrupted.
  "Outta the way," a grotesque voice screeched. "Yer blocking the tele."
  Voldemort turned, a spell on his lips to end the enormous creature that had dared speak to him in such a manner. "Av-Bella?" His most faithful of followers had really let herself go. Where once she'd been a sleek engine of destruction, years of deep fried food and a sedentary lifestyle had left her five times her previous size.
  "My Lord," the woman replied, shoving another handful of deep fried chocolate lard balls into her mouth. "I knew you'd return." Her eyes stared past him at the television. "The others lost faith but I never did. I've exercised ever day so that I'd be prepared to return to your side."
  "You've exercised?" he asked in disbelief, staring at the fifty five stone woman with profound dismay.
  "Yes, my Lord. Years of prison have takent their toll, but I remain the most fit and ready of your servants."
  "Most fit?" he felt faint. He was going to have to start over from the beginning, something made immeasurably more difficult without the contacts he'd made through his years at Hogwarts.

• All of Ron's Hogwarts, a Ron bashfic that Crosses the Line Twice. For instance there's when Ron decides to run away because the teachers are actually making him do school work at school:
  "I'm going to run away." Ron says in the early morning hours after he's back in the Gryffindor Tower. "Mum and Dad will have to make her stop being so mean to me." Getting up he sneaks out of the room, sneaking out of the door and down the to the kitchen, after all he can't run away on an empty stomach...
  "How far did he get?"
  "Not even to the edge of the Hogwarts wards. He was cold and hungry and his feet hurt."
  "Hey Weasley, if you're running away. . .the general idea is to leave." Draco says mockingly. Everybody in the Great Hall who'd heard Harry tell Ginny Ron had run away or been told by others as they came into the room laugh.
  • Then there's Ron's misfortune during the first task, when badly timed flatulence gets ignited by the dragon, resulting in a very Newtonian reaction (Harry comments "I'll give him a seven on distance but the landing sucked"). Maxime is surprised when the audience starts applauding, until she's informed that they're congratulating the dragon, who responds by actually taking a bow.

• All of Saying No but especially the Black Comedy of Harry and Ron's experiments with the range and limitations of the summoning spell—starting with the murder of Dudley Dursley's computer to seeing if they could use it to maim or kill Death Eaters from a distance:
  Ron: I'm game. But where do you want to start?
  Harry: Internal organs first.
  Ron: Do you mind? I'm eating!
  Harry: Sorry.
  Ron: I'll live. Besides, if you're going to go through with this, you might want to do it while Hermione's upstairs. *looks longingly at his sandwich* If it works, I'll only sick the thing up.
  Harry: Accio Pettigrew's heart!
  Ron: Harry, open the window!
  Harry: Crap. Forgot about that!
• Slip of the Tongue (warning, this fic contains explicit sex) All of it is hilarious. But particularly:

  - Snape rather hoped Lockhart would swish a little too enthusiastically by the fire and go up in flames.

  - He could catch up on his professional journal reading, as he was falling behind due to having to deal with idiotic fellow faculty, dunderheaded DADA instructors who were neither competent in the Dark Arts nor qualified to be instructors ... or he could drink until his eyes crossed and fall into bed.

  The last option sounded best.

  - (Just after the sex scene) It was lovely. Incredible. Wonderful.

  "Darling!"

  It was Lockhart.

  Snape gave up the fight and fainted dead away.

  - Finally, and worst of all, the randy peacock not only sat next to him, but then began to rattle on about what a wonderful couple they made and how he couldn't wait to have another rendezvous and do it all again.

  Flitwick, Hooch and McGonagall gave him identical looks of complete shock, then Snape was appalled to see money exchange hands. Hooch looked quite smug afterward.

  He was simply going to have to kill them all.

  Or perhaps just himself.

  Or maybe just Dumbledore.

  Still undecided, he stormed away from the breakfast table and hid in his laboratory until he could safely sneak up to Dumbledore's office. Not that he would admit he hid, nor sneaked, although he did indeed do both.

  [...]

  Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.

  That did it. He had to kill Dumbledore. He opened his mouth to say exactly that when it hit him that he couldn't kill Dumbledore. For one thing, Dumbledore wouldn't let him. For another, of the lot of them, Dumbledore was the least expendable.

  "Please," he begged, unashamed. "Kill me now."

  The twinkle disappeared in a wave of shock. "Erm," Dumbledore said very slowly, "toffee?"

  "Or I'll simply have to kill Lockhart. No one would miss him. Truly. Honestly. Who would miss him? I wouldn't! You wouldn't! Nobody would! OUCH!" he yelped as he forgot for a moment, in the heat of his plea, and sat down directly on his abused bum. He popped back up to his feet, alternately glaring balefully and staring pleadingly at Dumbledore.

• In Some Other Beginning's End when mentor!Voldemort learns that Harry is completely illiterate in runes, parseltongue or otherwise:
  Voldemort: You are going to be able to read and write fluently in both alphabets within the next decade, Harry. Which would you like to learn first?
  Harry: I guess Parseltongue. If for nothing else, it'll be interesting to read something by another parselmouth. I can see it now: 'Muggles Are Dumb and Stinky' by Salazar Slytherin, and the sequel: 'Yeah, What He Said,' by Tom Marvolo Riddle.
  Voldemort: I will have you know that neither Salazar Slytherin nor myself have published any books, and if we had – they would certainly be about more important things than muggle bashing.
  Harry: Right, of course. He'd also have written 'Godric Gryffindor is a Poo-Poo Head' and then you'd have: 'So is Harry Potter'.
  Voldemort: Enough of that.

• Surrender gives us this gem after the Hogwarts staff has been unknowingly dosed with veritaserum:
  Professor Snape: Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe: The Dark Lord himself, an incompetent fraud, a werewolf, a death eater in league with the Dark Forces, and a giggling sadist in a league well beyond the Dark Forces. Needless to say, your education in this subject leaves a little to be desired. From which any reasonable person would conclude that it is a very, very bad idea to let a 116 year old man make hiring decisions all by himself. But for some reason, the rest of Dumbledore's starry-eyed staff refuses to see things that way. Given this appalling lack of proper instruction, I am surprised - no, impressed, dammit- that so many of you scraped a passing grade in this subject. I cannot imagine where you all learned so much about Defense Against the Dark Arts, especially since you were taught by Professor Umbridge last year, who wouldn't recognize the Dark Lord if he were sitting right in front of her.
  Tom Riddle (disguised as Draco Malfoy): Well, I'm glad we've got you teaching us this year, then, sir.
  Professor Snape: Thank you, Mr. Malfoy. That's odd... Why is it that I can no longer read your thoughts, Mr. Malfoy? Have you been practicing occlumency over the summer? I wouldn't have thought someone of your normally paltry intellect capable of such a thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; it is rather a relief not to risk accidentally picking up on your ridiculous fantasies about certain of your classmates in the middle of my class. I do wish the rest of you would practice occlumency as well, but I suppose that is too much to hope for. I cannot help sensing your perverted daydreams when you are supposed to be paying attention in class. Being a legilimens is really more of a curse than a blessing when one is teaching teenagers. I must admit that some of your fantasies are mildly entertaining and good for a laugh, but several of them are rather disturbing. My detentions are not nearly as interesting as some of you seem to imagine. I am also growing terribly weary of centaur fantasies - that goes for you, Miss Patil, Miss Brown, Miss Parkinson, and Mr. Goyle. As for you, Mr. Longbottom, nobody should do that with a plant. And Mr. Weasley... Oh, that's just preposterous! Obliviate!
  Ron: Thank you, sir. I feel a lot better now. Wait - what happened?
  • Then there's the instance where the identity of Harry's boyfriend becomes known:
  "I have a suggestion," put in Remus Lupin mildly. "Why don't we all sit down and listen to what Harry has to say?"
  "Wonderful idea, love." Sirius beamed at him and ruffled his hair affectionately, but McGonagall sighed deeply.
  "Sit down and listen? That's all well and good, Remus - but that boy is Voldemort, for Merlin's sake! He's going to kill Harry, and the rest of us too, if he gets a chance. He needs to be disarmed."
  "All right." Harry stuck his hand in Tom's pocket and pulled out his wand. He placed the wand in the middle of the kitchen table. "There. I disarmed the Dark Lord." He kissed Tom softly on the lips. "It was a spectacular duel. Can we talk now?"
  McGonagall eyed Tom warily. "Maybe he's got some other wands hidden somewhere. Better check, Harry."
  "Happy to..." Harry brushed his hands over Tom, and Sirius muttered: "Oh, get a room, boys!"
  • More funny moments in the Veritaserum chapter.
  McGonagall: [about Hermione] She almost reminds me of me when I was a girl. Except I knew how to use a comb... Oh, dear. Did I just say that?
  McGonagall: [to Neville] And quite frankly, I only gave you an "Acceptable" grade out of the kindness of my heart, Longbottom. I'm afraid the only way you would ever pass Transfiguration at the N.E.W.T level is by taking a quill and "transfiguring" the "T" grade you will no doubt be awarded into an "A" by adding a few more pen strokes to my grade book when my back is turned. Godric's beard! Did I just say that out loud?
  • After this, she accidentally reveals she had a crush on Tom Riddle.
  Ron: Hermione! Oh, drat it, where did she go? I need someone to Obliviate that image of McGonagall and You-Know-Who out of my head, quickly, before my brain explodes.
  • McGonagall accidentally reveals Snape's love for Lily.
  McGonagall: [to Harry] Professor Snape would rather marry a two-headed one-eyed mountain troll than award you an "O" in anything. He hates you for looking like your charming idiot father and even more for reminding him of your mother, who never loved him back.
  Ron: I... I think I need to leave now. Surely one of the Ravenclaw students must know how to Obliviate people... Hey, Anthony, wait up!
  • "Apparently, Dumbledore must have confused Sybill seeing double most days with Second Sight."
  • Tom's reaction to all this.
  Tom: Oh, dear. Perhaps I should have used only one of the vials, not all three. There are some truths one could live without.

• Stupid Good!Harry in To The Waters and the Wild:
  *I will eat you up! I will eat... I will rip.. Tear...*
  
  * Oh, are you hungry, then?* Harry reached out and petted the hard greenish scales gently. *That's not surprising, actually. It's got to be hard to find enough food when you are this size...*
  
  * I will eat you!* insisted the serpent.
  
  Harry had to laugh. *Oh, no, Mr. Basilisk, I'm not food. And neither is Tom, of course. But if you hang on a minute, I'll find you some sausages or something - the Slytherin boys always sneak some up to the common room with them after lunch. Ron always seems to get hungry in the late afternoon, and Crabbe and Goyle as well. Oh, but I do have an apple in my pocket.* Harry produced the apple and handed it to the poor snake. The apple looked ridiculously tiny compared to the vast green serpent. *It's not a lot for you to eat when you are this size, of course, but if we just shrink you down a little...There!*
  
  The next moment, the huge shape looming above them was gone, and in its stead, a pretty foot-long snake stared up at Harry with golden eyes. *What... How did you get so big?*
  
  Harry laughed and picked up the snake. *I didn't get bigger; you just got a little smaller, Mr. Basilisk. Here, try the apple - it should be a lot more filling now.*
  
  The serpent hesitated for a moment, then gulped down the apple and looked hungrily at Harry's arm. It was a good thing Harry had dimmed the Basilisk's vision, or he might have had a little stony patch on his forearm right now! Or maybe the petrifying gaze only worked if you looked back with your eyes?
  
  Harry turned to Tom with a smile. "Come on, Tom! Let's go get him some sausages. He still seems hungry."
  
  But Tom just stood there for a long moment, staring at Harry with his wide silver-grey eyes. How curious that Tom, who was usually made of nothing but words, now suddenly seemed to be at a loss for them!
• Tom VS Muggle Technology, in which Lord Voldemort is "attacked" by a microwave:
  Harry: What in the world are you doing to the poor machine!
  Tom: It tried to attack me!
  Harry: You dropped your cufflink.
  Tom: And?
  Harry: Microwave and metal make big boom.
• The otherwise unremarkable Harry/Ginny Lemon The Voice of Experience by Laylah (registration required) has this immortal punchline:
  And then it happened: perfectly in time with each other, the way that sex never happens in real life, [Harry and Ginny] came in unison, moaning, "Oh... yes... Draco!"
  The Talk that followed was far less thrilling than the sex, though at least as educational.
• In Wrong For Him when Voldemort gives his minions new orders—"seduce Potter":
  Bellatrix: If I said you had a good body would you hold it against me?
  Snape: I'm like a Rubik's cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.
  Harry: (laughs hysterically)
  Snape: Is that a no then? Very well. And pull yourself together, Potter. You look like an idiot.
  Dolohov: If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
  Random Death Eater 1: Can I have your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
  Random Death Eater 2: Your beauty is so distracting it caused me to walk into a wall. I'll need your name and number for insurance purposes.
  Random Death Eater 3: Excuse me; could you give me directions to your apartment?
  Random Death Eater 4: If being sexy is a crime, you are guilty as charge—
  Harry: ENOUGH!
  Lucius: If I tossed this coin, what are the chances of me getting head?
• Harry Potter and the Something Something, a fic dedicated to mocking every single Fandom-Specific Plot that has been done to death in the fandom.
  Our story begins, as so many stories tend to do, during the summer between Fifth and Sixth Year. This is most likely due to popular consensus saying that this was about the point where the series started to suck, and therefore makes it the most appropriate time to diverge from canon. Or it could be because all the important characters are now at a fairly acceptable age to start having sex. One or the other.
  • Harry being rescued from the Dursleys by some female classmate he doesn't know (i.e. an O.C. Stand-in), bonding with her, and being drawn to her romantically... yeah no.
    But who are we kidding? It was the boobies.
  • The Jerkass twin brother who was raised by his inexplicably alive parents and is somehow better in every concievable way.
    Daniel: I'm a direct descendant of the four Hogwarts Founders, as well as Merlin, Morgana, Baba Yaga, the Scarlet Witch and the Witch of Endor, whose real name was Emma, if I'm not mistaken.
    Harry: Assuming that's even a little accurate, wouldn't that mean that I'm a direct descendant of them all too?
    Daniel: Nope, just me.
    Harry: And how does that work?
    Daniel: Magic, Harry. Magic.
    • And then Daniel gets run over by the Hogwarts Express.
  • Everything to do with Draco, and his suddenly being some kind of attractive magical creature. And attracted to Harry.
    [[Draco]] then clasped his hands behind his head and began gyrating his hips. "Does this do anything for you?"
    
    "...Besides make me want to projectile vomit? No."
    
    Draco flung his shirt off and began tweaking his nipples. "How about this?"
    
    Harry turned a distinct shade of green. "Seriously, I'm going to puke if you don't stop."
    
    Draco spun around, planted his hands against the wall and thrust his rear out. "And this? Don't you just want to shove me against the wall and bugger me until I can't-"
    
    "NO! Glinda the Good Witch, NO!"
    
    "Well that's my point exactly! That proves we're soul-mates!" the blonde boy declared.
  • Dumbledore is now a Card-Carrying Villain with a broken Internal Monologue.
    Perhaps this is for the best. Harry could work out much better for my master plan than Daniel, anyway. After spending his whole life abused and unloved, his need for attention and affection will have him following my every word without question. It's perfect!
    
    The clearing of throats caught his attention again. "That wasn't out loud again, was it?" he asked.
    
    "It was, Albus," Mcgonagall confirmed.
    
    "Odd," he muttered. Perhaps he should stop by the hospital wing later.
  • Harry is framed by his friends and loved ones for the murder of Daniel and sent to Azkaban... for all of eight minutes. And then he sees the real killer (Neville's trunk, which knocked Daniel off the platform) thrown into a cell to face justice.
  • People keep finding Voldemort's hideout just for the sake of bothering him. And then they find out that bothering a psychotic mass murderer may not be a good idea.
    "Hello, my naame iz Enoby-"
    
    "Reducto!"
    
    The girl stared down at the gaping hole in her torso where her vital organs used to be, then back up at him. "Whatev. Ur juts a dum prep anywayz." Then she collapsed in a dead heap.
    
    Voldemort then set fire to the body, then cast a strong wind spell to scatter the ashes far and away, and went back inside.
  • Marrige contracts. Which Sirius left for Harry in his will.
    Harry: Why would he do that?
    Dumbledore: To my understanding, he was quite drunk at the time. Now, adding your Godfather's contract to the two that your parents made for you-
    Harry: Oh, come on now!
    Dumbledore: They were quite drunk as well, Mr. Potter, it was a hell of a night. And then there's the contract that I just finished signing for you myself-
    Harry: What.
    Dumbledore: Yes well, while I may not have been drunk, I can assure you that I wasn't aware of the other contracts when I made mine.
    Internal Monologue!Dumbledore: Little do you suspect that I secretly DID know about the other contracts before I made mine, foolish-!
    Dumbledore: Ignoring that.
    • Blaise Zabini is one of Harry's new wives, despite being male. And then Dumbledore spikes the butterbeer...
    Albus laughed merrily. "In fact, I took some extra steps to ensure that you would be able to start your own families as soon as possible. Very simple, really: I just gathered some of Mr. Potter's magical essence, combined it with one of Professor Snape's strongest fertility potions, and covertly slipped it into your butterbeers."
    
    Spit-takes abounded, all except for Blaise, who could only stare in bug-eyed horror at the three empty bottles at his feet.
    
    "Oh my, triplets for Mrs. Zabini. Marvelous!" Dumbledore cheered. Marvelous for me, that is. For now all I need to do is ensure that Harry defeats Tom within the next nine months, and after that he'll be far too busy with his new family to even think of interfering with my Master Plan!
  • Harry becomes a girl. And is suddenly Snape's daughter, who inherited his feet, apparently. And Daniel was Sirius' son. It Makes Just as Much Sense in Context.
  • Nott makes the common fandom point of Voldemort not having a nose. To his face.
    Voldemort growled. "Right here is fine. I can't smell anything, anyway."
    
    "But sir, you don't have a nose," Nott pointed out.
    
    A quick Cutting Curse later and Nott didn't have a nose either.
    
    "Anyone else not want to smell anything?" Voldemort asked calmly.
    
    Aside from Nott's screams of pain, no one made a sound.
• Buttered Toast. Ginny and Draco have to write a toast for Charlie and Pansy's wedding. Hilarity Ensues.
  • When Draco first arrives at the Burrow, Ginny doesn't see him until it's too late and assumes he's a distant relative... so she hugs him.
  Ginny: I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I totally did not realise who you were and that hug wasn't meant for you. It was meant for some obscure great-aunt who I was about to be introduced to, so could we please just pretend that I hugged great-aunt Ursula or some such, and didn't just hug you, and then we could start over again and say hi normally?
  • Draco and Ginny's attempts at a toast.
  Ginny: I would like to congratulate my dear older brother, Charlie, on his marriage to that utter scumbag, the repulsive Pansy Parkinson...
  Draco: To Pansy of the Noble House of Parkinson: that this fine lady, who has succeeded in the artful seduction of the vagabond dragon tamer - [Ginny throws an apple at him]
  • "Ron was gaping like a goldfish that had just been informed that its lease has expired and it had three days to evacuate its bowl."
  • Ginny saying that Draco staying the night "would displace the incident with Millicent, the giant squid and a severely mispronounced spell on my list of Experiences Not to Repeat".
  • Charlie forgetting his vows and having to improvise.
  • Ginny and Draco writing a toast when drunk, and being utterly horrified to read what they wrote when they sober up.
• The Curious Case of Romulus Lestrange gives us a newly discovered Romulus Lestrange - Harry's true identity - being systematically mistaken for Sirius's illegitimate son at first glance. Sirius is not amused at all.
  He was a bit loose in his youth, but not that loose.
  • Also, Kreacher finds Muggle clothes unsuitable for a Black Heir and decides to put them where they should be: the fire pit.
  • As he has no blood relation to the Dursleys, Harry isn't Dudley's cousin. However, being Bellatrix Lestrange's son means he's Draco's cousin instead. He really wonders if it can be considered as an improvement.
  "It's worse. It just is, don't overthink it. Just accept it for the tragedy it is," Ron claimed despairingly.
  • Ron's reaction to this is - according Hermione - as if "Christmas was cancelled, the Chudley Cannons were disbanded, and Hogwarts switched to an all-vegetarian diet all on the same day".
• In Sort the Dragon, Snape convinces Dumbledore not to warn the Sorting Hat that Harry Potter is actually a dragon, allegedly so as not to possibly bias the hat, but mostly to see its reaction. Come September first:
  Sorting Hat: WHAT THE FU-
• Harry Potter and the Discworld: Harry's conversation with Death.
  Harry: That's a nice horse! What's his name?
  Death: Binky.
  Harry: Binky?!
  Death: Is there something wrong?
  Harry: Isn't that a little... girly?
  Death didn't bother to respond.
• The Hardest Battle, in which Cane Black shows he truly inherited his father's pranking streak at Beauxbatons. When he reveals his Metamorph ability, the Weasley twins lament all the missed opportunities of impersonating the staff to troll everyone and decide to become his friends.
  Minerva McGonagall: He's not at Hogwarts. He's not at Hogwarts.
• Run that by me again?: Hermione helps get Harry out of the Triwizard Tournament.
  Hermione: [about "Harry's" entrance slip] There is no way Harry wrote this!
  Moody: How can you tell?
  Hermione: It's legible.
• Community Service has how Dumbledore managed to deal with the Death Eaters that escaped Azkaban by getting two years of mandatory community service: he has them serve it as Hogwarts' Defence Against the Dark Arts professors.
  • Voldemort finding out. Just that.
• Reformed, Returned and Really Trying is the story of Gellert Grindelwald deciding the proper response to Dumbledore's death was to easily break out of Nurmengard (he had figured out how to do it out of boredom, and remained there because he wanted to atone for his crimes), raise a small force of Storm Wizards, and go to Britain to annihilate Voldemort, utterly convinced Dumbledore had planned for it and many other things (the fact it's plausible tells a lot about Dumbledore). He then has to deal with the consequences of his reputation, having some trouble not committing wanton murder for the sake of expediency, and everyone being convinced he plans to conquer magical Britain as the first step to conquer the world.
  "Trust me, if I wished you harm, my Storm Wizards would have ambushed you outside!"
• In Very Big Dursley Family, the whole scene of Quirrel being burned to death by Harry at the encounter at the Leaky Cauldron, complete with Hagrid nonchalantly complaining this one "Didn't even make a year. Damned shame, that".

• From Harry Potter and Friends Read My Immortal:
  • Lee Jordan thinking that Ebony must support incest due to wishing she were related to Gerard Way because he's hot.
  • The students are sitting on the floor, listening to Ron read the story, so Seamus thinks it resembles "story time in kindergarten".
  • When Harry says that Ebony's IQ is ten points lower than that of a mountain troll, Neville berates him for being rude... to mountain trolls.
  • George saying it's good the Original Characters are in Slytherin because "we bloody don't want them".
  • Hermione thinks everyone should have a go reading the story, but Ron thinks only he should, because otherwise it wouldn't be as "real". Harry agrees with Ron... but only because he finds Ron's reading style funny.
  • Cedric describes Ebony's outfit with the spiky purple hair as looking like a "gothic blow fish".
  • Fred saying that the story turned Draco into a "sissy boy" by having him wear makeup, and then Ron wondering how Ebony exclaimed in a "depressed" voice.
  • Cho wondering if Ebony was Going Commando since on the first sex scene, there's no mention of either her or Draco removing any panties. Ginny also wonders how they could be against a tree if Draco has to climb on top of Ebony.
  • On the infamous "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!?" scene, George says that he wants to yell that in Snape's class, but Ron tells him not to or Snape would bite his head off.
  • When, in the story, McGonagall is the one who calls names while Snape is the nonchalant one, the kids think the author got them round the wrong way.
  • Ron's comment "Wow, and I thought I had bad spelling!".
  • When Ebony "roars", Luna thinks that she should be in Gryffindor, since roaring is what lions do.
  • Harry's sheer rage at being written as someone who wears makeup, grumbles while making introductions, goes by Vampire, drinks blood, giggles, and whimpers.
  • When "flaming" is misspelled as "flassing", Marietta says, "Stop flossing? Okay, then I'll be able to get cavities."
  • Justin calls Snape his "hero" for telling Ebony off. The others look at him funny, but he counters that everyone who tells Ebony off is good.
  • Because Ebony claims to have lost her "virility", Ron asks if she's crying because she has boobs now.
  • When Hermione says the "fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself" line, Fred jokes that Voldemort is a "thing".
  • When the kids induce what "masticating" was supposed to be, Seamus says, "Blech!", Zacharias covers his ears and sings, "La la la la la la la la, I can't hear you!", and Ginny even throws up.
  • Harry wishing he could predict the future, then he'd know when not to show up to potions.
  • Ginny says that if she got a knut for every F-bomb, she'd be "one rich..." and then gets a Collective Death Glare from George, Fred, and Ron.
    Ginny: "I was going to say witch! What did you think I was going to say, you three?"
    Ron: "I can think of some ideas."
  • When Harry wishes the next chapter doesn't involve him in drag saying he wants to sleep with Malfoy, the others look at him "like he'd said that Sirius Black was innocent and Peter Pettigrew was the bad guy".
  • Padma forgetting her cousins even exist.

Sherlock Holmes

• 221B
• Holidays with Holmes

Tolkien's Legendarium

• To Comfort An Elf
  • Especially,
  Boromir: Looks like we're the only ones not gettin' any tonight.
  Gimli: Don’t look at me, Son of Gonads. I mean Gondor!
  Aragorn: Well then, talk dirty to me Legolas.
  Legolas: "Mud. Grime, um, dirt?"
  Aragorn slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. He’d forgotten that Elves could be SO literal.
  • Not to mention Boromir's inability to say anything other than 'shit, shit, shit!'
    • 'Shit, shit and shit.' mumbled the frustrated Son of Gonad, I mean Gondor. (Boromir sends dagger glares at the author.)
  "Frodo, the temperature seems just fine to me..."
  "No, no Legolas. I’m not talkin’ temperatures, unless you mean I’m burnin’ up because of you."
  "Are you ill?" asked an alarmed Legolas.
  Frodo smacked his forehead. Legolas inclined his head, waiting for Frodo to continue and wondering why mortals always hit their heads around him.
• The Last Elf Standing. All of it.
  • Thranduil sending the twins percussion instruments for their birthday, just to annoy Elrond.
  Thranduil: I'm sure boys as talented as your own will learn to play them correctly in only a few decades. [...] PS: You needn't bother writing back; I'm sure I'll be able to hear the grinding of your teeth in the deepest chambers of my keep.
  • Said gift results in the twins performing all-night drum solos and eventually forming Middle Earth's first band.
  • "Many happy returns, O Eldest Offspring of a Jewelry-Obsessed Feather Duster!"
  • Elrond urging Radagast to turn part of Mirkwood into a dragon reserve and pretending it's Thranduil's idea.
  • Elrond convincing Thorin and company to wander around Mirkwood, simply to annoy Thranduil.
  • The final letter, which reveals that Thranduil arranged to have Elrond travel to Valinor... on the same ship as his mother-in-law.
  • Some highlights from the letters:
  Thranduil: Elrond, you wretched excuse for a thinking creature! I ought to pare the points off of your ears, for I cannot bring myself to believe that a single drop of Elven blood runs in your veins!

  Elrond: That little stream you like to fish in is now the best cure for insomnia in all of Arda... but I'm sure you'll have discovered that for yourself by the time this letter finds you. No need to thank me; I wish I could have done more.

  Elrond: [after the twins form a band] Thranduil, prepare yourself for the Fourth Kinslaying.

  Thranduil: [after the aforementioned dragon reserve incident] Didn't you realize that dragons have a lousy sense of direction? I believe the folk of Erebor and Esgaroth would like a word with you.

  Elrond: To prove how high I hold you in my esteem, I have sent your son off on a very important mission. To Mount Doom. With a Dwarf. Sleep well.
• ...No Matter How Tall is both ridiculously cute and absolutely hilarious. To summarize, Young!Legolas wants an oliphaunt and Thranduil has to talk him out of it.
• Null and Void is filled with funny moments, starting with the summary.
  Manwë was fairly sure that, despite the ever-constant nature of his physical form, his hair had actually changed colour. Where before it had been a brilliant blue-white that implied divinity and all that came with it, it was now the translucent grey-white generally found in the very old or the very stressed.
  He blamed Melkor.
  • Melkor's attempt to plead for mercy.
  Melkor: Manwë, my brother. Surely this is too severe a punishment? Your precious Arda still stands; I was not too destructive.
  Námo: "Not too destructive", he says. My halls are full to bursting with dead elves, and he says he wasn't too destructive!
• The Eight Companions: A Battle for an Elf's Sanity is one hilarious moment after another.
  • Fëanor's disco ball.
  • Glorfindel once got rid of a badfic writer by claiming his fight with the Balrog was a lover's quarrel.
  • Legolas escaped an OC by saying he loved Elladan, who didn't love him, so he switched his affections to Sauron.
  • Finduilas puts Dwarven ale in Celegorm's drink. Afterwards, the narration notes that Celegorm is petting Huan while talking to Maglor, "who seemed very concerned".
  Gwindor: What did you do to him?
  Finduilas: I did nothing, Gwindor; the liquor did. I can’t help but feel a little ashamed. He was calling me Nerwen ^note  Nerwen is one of Galadriel's alternative names when I finally left him, and telling me that he really was sorry that he had put a frog in my dress the day of the high feast in Tirion...
  • The Eight Companions get half the House of Fëanor drunk, and see to it that the other half can't interfere with their plans.
  Glorfindel: Who shall see to the Sons of Fëanor?
  "Caranthir, Amrod, Amras, and Curufin are already occupied," Elladan observed, as the sounds of swordfighting filtered through the music in the Hall.
  "And if I am not mistaken, Celegorm is re-discovering his friendship with the Hound of Valinor," Gwindor added, watching as the fair Noldo crawled about on all fours in a corner, Huan barking in an encouraging manner.
• Collective Nouns:
  • Merry's constant questions, and Gandalf's exasperation.
  • Merry's opinion of the collective noun for wizards.
  Merry: A subtlety of wizards? But that doesn't seem very appropriate. [...] I think it should be a meddle of wizards.
  • Gandalf inventing collective nouns, resulting in "a curmudgeon of badgers" and "a sturdiness (or mine) of dwarves".
  Merry: What's the collective noun for a group of elves?
  Gandalf: A glamour. Unless you're talking about Mirkwood elves, in which case it's a suspicion. Although a "paranoia" would be more accurate...
• An Elf Lord in Peril. Papa Wolf Thranduil is hilarious.
  • "Mithrandir the Mad" and "Elrond the Imbecilic".
  • Celeborn arranging for Thranduil to meet Elrond while the latter visits Lothlórien, on two conditions.
  Celeborn: I want [Elrond] alive and fit to travel at the end of it. And you will not reveal my part in instigating you to my lady wife.
  • Celeborn telling Rúmil to take Elrond to Thranduil, and adding, "You would be well advised to remove yourself from the vicinity once you have directed him appropriately."
  • "Elrond got to his feet and commended his soul to Elbereth."
  Elrond: I have already been attacked by one member of the ruling line of of Eryn Lasgalen this year. I have no desire to increase the tally.
  Legolas: You saw Ada? How is he?
  Elrond: He is very well, penneth. He is so energetic, in fact, that he nearly managed to decapitate me before I could persuade him that I had not been bribed by his enemies to send you on the quest.
• An Elf Lord in Peril Again, sequel to the above. Thranduil's in Valinor, he still hasn't forgiven Elrond for sending Legolas on the quest, and he's got Celebrían on his side.
  • Elrond's growing alarm as he waits for Thranduil to arrive, while Gandalf is grumbling because there's no pipeweed in Valinor.
  • Then, Gandalf finally realises that Thranduil is on his way.
  Gandalf: I think I shall go back to Middle-earth for... perhaps an age or two.
  • Then, when Thranduil arrives:
  Celebrían: Elrond? Why are you standing in front of Mithrandir?
  Elrond: I am not standing in front of Mithrandir, meleth. The coward is hiding behind me.
  • Elrond trying to convince Gandalf to face Thranduil.
  Elrond: Stand and face him, Mithrandir! You are a Wizard! You have slain a Balrog!
  Thranduil: Ah, yes. The Balrog.
  Gandalf: Brilliantly done, fool! That was precisely what was needed. Somebody had to remind Thranduil about the Balrog.
• The Three Hunters and the Elven King, another sequel to An Elf Lord in Peril, is also filled with funny moments.
  • Legolas irritates his travelling companions (Aragorn, Gimli, Elladan and Elrohir) by constantly stopping to "examine things that caught his attention".
  Gimli: Where is he going now?
  Elrohir: He probably saw a beech in need of cheering up. [...] This is not why we advised you against riding with him today.
  Gimli: You mean there is more Elven lunacy to come? Aragorn? Should I be turning around and going straight back home?
  • One of Legolas's friends greets him by tackling him off his horse.
  Legolas: A fine welcome that is!
  Saeldur: You will think it is a wonderful welcome when you see the one your father has in store for you. The last I heard, the Councillors were squabbling over the window seats in the small audience chambers. Thorontur even called a halt to today's archery practice so that he would not be late.
  • Thranduil and Legolas taking advantage of their near-identical appearances to troll Gimli.
• The ever-increasing number of people who disturb Elrond in Elf Up a Tree.
  • "After a long day of work, Elrond felt like reading something violent."
  • Glorfindel fleeing from Erestor because he put a snake in the latter's desk. And then Erestor throwing a book at him... and hitting Elrond.
  Erestor: So, what are you all doing up here?
  Glorfindel: Avoiding you.
  Estel: Avoiding Elladan and Elrohir.
  Elrond: Avoiding everyone.
  Estel: Here comes Lindir.
  • The results of Lindir's attempt to climb the tree while holding a butterfly net.
  [Lindir] tossed the meshed net up into the branches of the tree, where it descended unexpectedly around Estel and enveloped him completely. The handle clonked Elrond on the head. Estel fell off his precarious perch and on top of Glorfindel. Erestor watched with interest as the net slid down the tree, gathering startled Elves as it went.
  • And, after this:
  Lindir: Oh, I'm so sorry, Lord Elrond! I didn't mean to do that!
  Elrond: If you had meant to do this, it never would have happened so nicely. If you had meant to do this, probably you would have been the only person whacked on the head.
  • Then the twins arrive.
  Elladan: What's going on?
  Erestor: Almost everything.
  • At the end of the fic, Elrond has gone back to his study and is looking forward to a peaceful time after his ordeal. Then...
  Glorfindel: Why, there you are, Elrond!
• Dwarf Wisdom. Fíli and Kíli's conviction that "getting lost" is some sort of Dwarvish tactic to confuse enemies.
• Cook Wanted. Nerdanel thinks they need a cook, Fëanor insists they don't, and to prove it he makes their sons take turns preparing dinner. It goes as well as you'd expect.
  • Maedhros and Maglor are actually good cooks. Unfortunately, the meals they make require expensive recipes, and Fëanor foolishly told them to charge the bill to the grocer. Then he gets the bill...
  • When it's Celegorm, Caranthir and Curufin's turn, Fëanor has learned from his mistakes and refuses to let them charge the grocer for anything but bread.
  Celegorm deemed it his duty to bring in fresh game and had gone hunting every day. This left his brothers to divide the other duties, and after a week of meals that had been either overcooked or undercooked, raw or burnt – sometimes all at the same meal – even Fëanor's keen appetite dwindled. The only things remotely edible were the bread, the tea and the coffee, for the wine had definitely been of an inferior quality.
  Nerdanel said nothing and struggled to nibble at what she hoped was a piece of burnt toast disguised as charcoal.
  • Then it's Amrod and Amras's turn, and they turn out to be even worse Lethal Chefs than their brothers. To be precise, they serve the left-overs in the larder.
  Fëanor: [To Nerdanel] I can't eat this, wife. I simply can't. I swear there are eyes in here – and... and... is that a tentacle I see?
  • Fëanor reluctantly eats the soup the twins made. Then he spends the rest of the night being sick.
  • The last line of the fic.
  Fëanor: We absolutely do not need a laundress.
• Hearts Will As Hearts Must:
  • Legolas and Gimli's constant bickering.
  • Dáin's growing suspicions of what's going on.
  • Gimli, Fíli and Kíli snarking at each other.
  Gimli: What do you take me for?
  Kíli: A beardless little idiot.
  Gimli: And what does that make you, with half as much beard and twice as much idiot?
• Bedtime: Maitimo (Maedhros) showing up at his parents' bedroom door with Carnistir (Caranthir) in a headlock. His explanation is that Carnistir was walking the wrong way. "He was apparently going to sleep through the storm out on the south balcony."
• A Word from the Wise:
  • The bizarre courting advice various members of the Company give Fíli and Kíli.
  • Glóin talking about Gimli's achievements for three hours.
  • Dís arriving in Erebor and discovering that her sons are courting people she didn't want them to court, and her brother is married to Thranduil.
  Dís: Tell me, brother. Did the wine cellar survive the dragon's rampage? Because I really need a drink.
• Three Ainur on a Mountain (To Say Nothing of the Dragon). All of it, but special mention must go to Rufin the incredibly stupid tax collector ignoring all warnings and going to demand taxes from Melkor, Mairon and Thuringwethil.
  • "Mairon, my dear, have we lost a dragon recently?" Followed shortly by, "[Mairon] realised that only Melkor could lose a dragon and be so indifferent about it. Or, more accurately, only Melkor could lose a dragon, period."
  • Thuringwethil's... interest in Eönwë. And for that matter, poor Eönwë's reaction to the insanity he's found himself in the midst of.
  • Mairon telling Thuringwethil to go with Eönwë.
  It was probably the first command ever that did not need to be repeated to her, even though Eönwë's reaction to it could only be summed up as utter misery.
  • Fëanor and sons (all of them) arriving to speak with Ar-Pharazôn. Sadly we don't get to see that meeting, but it can't have gone well: it ended with Fëanor declaring war on Ar-Pharazôn.
• Inebriation in Mirkwood:
  • The pranks the twins play on Elrond and Glorfindel.
  • The mention that Erestor once walked off a balcony because he was reading while walking.
• A Common Enemy: Fëanor's fëa (soul) being "on fire" because that's how he died. He remarks that he could change it if he wanted to, but he likes it because "[n]ow I am literally the Spirit of Fire [...] and it's fun to run screaming at newcomers and watch them flee."
  Fingolfin: Mature as always.
  • Fëanor's reaction to learning Fingolfin challenged Morgoth to single combat.
  Fëanor: Well, that's got to be the most spectacularly stupid idea in the entire history of Arda.
  • Fingolfin demands an apology. Fëanor obliges.
  Fëanor: Fingolfin, I assure you, no one is sorrier than I that you were born.
• Apsalantë: The House of Finwë's disastrous family gathering.
  • This exchange after a mishap in the kitchen:
  Mahtan: Yet another rambunctious holiday.
  Finwë: They set the pork on fire. I do not care to know how. It was raw not thirty seconds prior to igniting.
  Mahtan: Was it salvageable?
  Finwë: Nerdanel and Indis managed to put it out in a timely fashion while Curufinwë ^note another name for Fëanor and Ñolofinwë ^note another name for Fingolfin argued over who had caused the fire in the first place.
• Best-Laid Plans is full of funny moments.
  • The description of Thranduil and Galion's relationship.
  Thranduil pretended not to know that after hours Galion routinely lost all his money at cards to the head cook, walked into walls when smiled at by the chief guard and could never visit Lothlórien because the last time he had done so, they had discovered him the morning after the feast in a fountain singing a song about a hedgehog. In return, Galion graciously chose not to remind Thranduil of the many hours spent chasing a muddy young Elfling through those very halls armed with a mop, or, indeed, a similar experience repeated some time earlier in different halls with that Elfling's equally muddy but less acrobatic father.
  • Thranduil has to organise a birthday party for Tilda, and asks Elrond for advice. Elrond sends Erestor, Glorfindel and Lindir to help him.
  Erestor: [about why Lindir's coming with them] Perhaps it is Lord Elrond's hope that the presence of a third party might prevent us from embarrassing him in front of the Woodland Realm.
  Glorfindel: I cannot think of anything more likely to cause embarrassment to Lord Elrond than the possibility of Lindir meeting King Thranduil.
  Erestor: Nor can I. Still, we will not be there more than three weeks. Even Lindir cannot do much damage in so short a time.
  From behind them came the gentle thwack and soft whimper of an inattentive Elf being hit in the face by a low-hanging branch.
  Erestor: However, I have been known to misjudge.
  • Mirkwood's head cook is asked to provide food for the party.
  [Thranduil was] in the middle of a heated debate with the head cook concerning the amount of notice one should be required to give before expecting someone else to provide a feast. The cook's view was that whatever that amount was, Thranduil had not given it, and Thranduil's view was that the cook hadn't required any notice at all to organise an enormous gathering to celebrate the end of the last War and he didn't understand why it was necessary now. Judging by the way the cook was brandishing her wooden spoon, the discussion was just on the verge of becoming an argument.
• the better part of valor. Dís single-handedly preventing the Battle of Five Armies, simply by showing up and yelling at her brother and sons.
• The Only Sane Elf:
  • Elrond's opinion of Thorin.
  [Thorin] was nowhere near as smart as Gandalf, but he had a strange, indescribable charisma about him that made him a natural leader. And he was good at it, for the most part. But where Gandalf had a penchant for thinking with his heart, Thorin had a penchant for not thinking at all. The dwarf could devise an infallible battle plan on the spot with ease, but actually sticking to the plan and not doing something idiotic between point A and point B was practically impossible.
  • Lindir asks why Elrond is so eager to attend the celebration Thorin's organising.
  Elrond: The Dwarves see the reclaiming of Erebor as a 'great victory' for their people, despite the fact that they did everything I advised against. It's a miracle the line of Durin still endures.
  Lindir: It is fortunate Thranduil's Healers were able to be of assistance. Though I can't imagine Thorin taking too kindly to being saved by an elf.
  Elrond: Which is why I am so adamant on attending. If Thorin doesn't manage to offend the majority of Thranduil's party, those nephews of his will. Someone has to make sure they don't start another war.
• Shades of Dale: Morinehtar takes Bard to speak with the ghosts in Dale. Then they have to wait for nightfall, when the ghosts are more likely to appear. Morinehtar decides that if she has to wait, she'll wait comfortably.
  Bard: I don't understand what you're doing.
  Morinehtar: That is always the attitude of those who wander with wizards, my lord Bard. We attempt the inexplicable and impossible and leave others awed and amazed.
  Bard: I will tell you right now that I'm neither one. I'm confused. [...] Morinehtar, you're sitting on an armchair. On top of a boulder. In the middle of the city square.
• And Death was his constant companion, a crossover between LotR and Discworld: Death's remarks about the Army of the Dead. When Aragorn first enlists their help Death says, I am going to be very busy after this, and when they fulfill their oath and move on to eternal rest, he says, Form an orderly queue.
• Evidence, a crossover between Silmarillion and Discworld: Vimes's description of how he ended up in Middle Earth.
  Vimes: [Manwë] had some trouble rousting a fellow name of Morgoth out of the Iron Hells. Said he sent his best warrior in after him, but wouldn't you know Tulkas got distracted on the way in? Too many monsters to fight, or something. So what does he do but come looking for me, nice and safe and polishing the family heirlooms at home in a different world entirely, and say "Oo, help me, Mr. Samuel Vimes, I'm in need of a policeman and no mistake".
  Eönwë: He didn't say that.
  • Vimes giving Death the Silmarils. Death says they'll be perfectly safe with him.
  Death: Granted, the kittens may try to get at them, but I am led to understand they are unbreakable.
  Maedhros: What's a "kitten"?
  Maglor: Very small cat. I think.
  Maedhros: Ah. And they're unbreakable, are they?
  Maglor: He means the Silmarils, Maedhros.
• A Secret Relationship, a Fëanor/Thingol fic, is full of hilarity.
  • Celegorm telling his father that he's found "the only other elf as obsessed with shiny objects and prone to fits of temper as you".
  • Maedhros calls a meeting of his brothers (plus Fingon and Elrond) to discuss the possibility of Fëanor having a relationship with someone. Then their father finds them.
  Fëanor: Is there a reason that all of you are sitting in a small cellar talking, when there is so little room down here that half of you are practically each other's laps?
• Truth, Honesty and None of the Above: Kíli panicking and telling Dís that Tauriel is a cook. Followed by Thorin panicking and saying Bilbo is his bodyguard.
  Bilbo: So. I'm Thorin's bodyguard. And Tauriel is our head chef. You know, I really think I would have noticed when I was hired as an expert swordsman, but oh, silly me, us little hobbits can be so forgetful.
  Tauriel: [to Kíli] You do realize I can't cook.
  • "All we had to do was tell [Dís] the truth. It was a fairly straightforward plan. Foolproof, one might think. Unless you'd met anyone in this blasted family, of course."
  • After Thorin shows Dís around Erebor:
  Bilbo: At least all we have to get through now is dinner.
  Thorin: Yes.
  Bilbo: Should be easy.
  Thorin: Indeed.
  Bilbo: I am, however, slightly terrified about it.
  Thorin: Oh, me as well.
  Bilbo: Wonderful. On to the next crisis, then.
• Pinions:
  • Bard's bewilderment at Thranduil and Dáin insulting each other.
  Dwarves were steadfast and constant, he'd been told. Elves were ethereal creatures, wise beyond words.
  Dáin: Get back to your forest, or are you afraid even the squirrels are going to outwit you, you damned leaf-munching pixie!
  Thranduil: As though I'm ever going to listen to someone so far beneath me!
  Steadfast. Wise. Right.
  • Bard tells Thranduil that gambling was "[n]ot quite as much fun as collecting your barrels and the occasional drunken Elf who came floating downriver in them".
  Thranduil: And thus the small mystery of dwindling wine supplies in my cellar resolves itself, if my attendants drank enough for that.
  Behind Thranduil, the two Elves currently on duty to see to their king's needs were suddenly very interested in the tent's canvas ceiling, then escaped when an empty cup of wine provided an opportunity to do so.
• Of the Stars and Seasons That Come After:
  • Erestor thought a statue was "a very nice abstract flower". It was meant to be a statue of him.
  • Belladonna, Lobelia, Dís, Arwen and Éowyn sort out a trade negotiation without any male "help".
  Lobelia: Men. Always going on about this or that. If we let them do the talking we'd be bearing arms by noontide, drinking ale by teatime and weeping into our cups by supper. No, we shall settle the matter in the proper, orderly manner and have it all wrapped up by dinner.
  • While the women are discussing trade, the men discuss how terrifying their "teatime warfare" is.
  Aragorn: To the ladies. Forever may we fear them.
  • Ecthelion jumping at Glorfindel to hug him... when Glorfindel is standing near the edge of a pier. Both of them end up in the sea.
• The Annoyance Known as Beren:
  • Beren falling and landing on top of Daeron.
  • "[Beren] gave [Lúthien] a smile. There was nothing but friendship and gratitude in his smile. It still made Thingol long to chase him out of Doriath with a sword."
  • The mention of Celegorm writing poetry for Lúthien.
  Curufin: It was enough to make my ears bleed.
  • Daeron makes Námo revive Beren in a unique way.
  Daeron: You will return both of us to life, or I will stand here and sing that incredibly irritating, headache-inducing, never-ending song Tinfang Gelion taught me.
  Námo: No! I forbid it!
  [A week later]
  Námo: Go! Get out of here, take your mortal with you, just stop singing that song!
  • Maedhros and Maglor's reactions when they hear about this.
  Maedhros: Is there anything left in that bottle? [...] Give it to me. I need a drink.
• Legolas' Mid-Life Crisis:
  • Legolas complains that in his three thousand years he has done nothing but fight spiders.
  Legolas: Spiders! An insect that is to be crushed under one's foot!
  Thranduil: Spiders aren't insects, they are arachnids!
  • Thranduil demands an explanation for his son's behaviour.
  Legolas: I am trying to live my life, father, as I have not before.
  Thranduil: And I would say you are succeeding, for never before have you acted so foolishly!
• The Myriad Adventures of Goblin Mutant and Graceless Cat:
  • Gimli's mother Bibon bursts into tears when her son insists on joining the search for Kíli.
  Legolas: She seems distressed.
  Fíli: Our people may be secretive to the rest of the world, but we've never been skilled at hiding our emotions from each other. And if Gimli plans to go off adventuring you'd better believe Bibon will make sure he's well stocked up on guilt and humility as well as rope and steel.
  Legolas: ...you mean to say she's acting right now?
  Fíli: Not acting. Simply... expounding on an emotional situation.
  [...]
  Legolas: And how long will this expounding last?
  Fíli: Long enough to make an impression.
  Legolas: Then I assume we'll be here for weeks.
  Fíli: You might not be wrong.
  • Gimli discovers how Legolas told Thranduil he was going to find Tauriel.
  Gimli: You wrote your father a note? Pray tell, how well did he react to that?
  Legolas: I couldn't tell you. I may have left it under one of the wine bottles in his room before I left.
  Gimli: You left your father, the Elvenking, lord of long grudges and short tempers, a note telling him you were running away, under a bottle that he may or may not find, sometime in the near future?
• And What Happened After: Bilbo lectures Mandos, a Vala ^note in theory an archangel, in practice closer to a lesser god, on how to deal with the Children of Ilúvatar (i.e., mortals). After this Manwë asks Bilbo to Taniquetil so he can "speak to me of the ways of the Children of Eru until the world is renewed".
  Manwë: Answer without fear, and without restraint. None shall hinder you.
  Bilbo: O most noble Lord of the Holy Ones, gracious and glorious, to whom every thought is open, all knowledge clear, and before whom no desire can be concealed –
  Manwë: Out with it!
  Bilbo: You cannot possibly be serious!
• The Time for Home: Bofur closes Bag End's door in Adara Boffin's face.
  Bilbo: You just called a matron of the Boffin family 'lass' and then pushed her out of my hobbit-hole!
  Bofur: I didn't push anyone. Never laid a finger on her. I just helped her with the door, that's all. Nothing wrong with me calling her lass, either. It's a compliment. Means I think she's a lot younger than me, and what woman doesn't want a man to assume she's younger than 98?
• Death Seeker: Gríma has a few things to say to Saruman.
  [Gríma let] loose with a blast of invective that had Théoden widening his eyes with wonder, Gandalf shaking his head slightly, and the other Rohirrim nearby all but applauding. His Westron failed him rapidly, but he went right on, in Rohirric, Dunlendish, and several other languages.
  [...]
  Pippin: What all did he say? I don't know those languages!
  Gandalf: Let us say, Peregrin Took, that in three hundred lives of men I have never, not once, heard such a concentrated, artistic, venomous cursing-out before today.
  • Then Gandalf reveals that the Rohirric parts of Gríma's rant were in the form of flyting (ritualised insults) and the Dunlendish parts were in a poetic metre.
• A Practical Guide for the Courtship of Elves, by Beren son of Barahir: It would be easier to list the moments that aren't hilarious.
  • Beren says that the simplest way to doom yourself is to swear a dreadful oath, then watch things go horribly wrong.
  So swear to find your socks, and you will discover them in Mordor. Swear not to eat cheese, and all the world will be in peril unless you do. [...] And I must be doomed to madness, it seems, for my ears are now telling me that they can hear Túrin son of Húrin from where he sits in the shadows... laughing.
  • "Why certain dooms are given to certain people is a mystery known only to those who will not reveal it, such as Olórin."
  Beren: [about Olórin/Gandalf's ways of avoiding awkward questions] And you got away with this?
  Olórin/Gandalf: I enraged generations of men, elves, dwarves and hobbits — not to mention kings, stewards, and a treacherous wizard. Of course I got away with it.
  • Idril calls Tuor's helmet silly.
  Tuor and Turgon: Silly?
  Turgon: That helmet was made at the command of Ulmo himself, I'll have you know.
  Idril: Yes, but you designed it, and sometimes your taste runs a bit toward the... impractical. That helmet was too tall already, and the bedraggled swan feathers stuck into the crest made it completely ridiculous.
• Yours to command:
  • Lothíriel worries she'll spill wine on Éowyn and Faramir at their wedding.
  Éowyn: Oh, don't worry. Faramir probably wouldn't even spot it. You know what men are like. They never notice what you wear.
  Lothíriel involuntarily saw a mental picture of a completely infatuated Faramir gazing at his bride, while she stood there, soaked to the skin with wine.
  Lothíriel: Well, he might notice that, I think.
  • Éomer proposes to Lothíriel. Unfortunately, Lothíriel thinks he's engaged to Wilwarin, and is scandalised that he wants to break off his (non-existent) engagement. Éomer misunderstands and thinks she's engaged. The whole conversation is practically the Middle-earth equivalent of Who's on First?.
  Éomer: Is it ^note meaning Lothíriel's non-existent fiancé someone from Dol Amroth?
  Lothíriel: What are you talking about? Of course he's ^note meaning Lothíriel's father from Dol Amroth. After all, he's the Prince of Dol Amroth!
  • Éomer sends his guards away so he and Lothíriel can be alone.
  Lothíriel: Éomer, are we alone now?
  Éomer: Well, except for half a dozen guards. Ceorl! [...] Do you see that rosebush over there?
  Ceorl: Yes, my Lord King.
  Éomer: I think it needs guarding.
  Ceorl: Shall I take my men round the corner and make sure it doesn't come to any harm?
• A Limerick for Every Chapter in The Lord of the Rings, which is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. Some of the limericks are sad, others are hilarious.
  • The limerick for The King of the Golden Hall.
  Welcome you? Don't make me laugh!
  You're not more than common riff-raff.
  You just bring ill news,
  To people you use,
  And — Wait, do you still have your staff?!
  • The limerick for Many Partings, which describes Gimli and Éomer's argument over whether Galadriel or Arwen is fairer.
  ...So recant your error,
  Say Galadriel's fairer,
  Or must I now go for my axe?
• A Limerick for Every Chapter in The Silmarillion, by the same author as the above, has several funny moments too.
  • The Lampshade Hanging on how petty the whole Silmaril business was.
  It may come as rather a shock,
  But elves aren't as wise as we thought.
  All those wars waged
  Throughout the first age
  Were over these three shiny rocks.
• A Chapter of Accidents: The Brick Joke that comes up in the second half of the fic.
  Elladan: Never will I tell anybody that I was more sensible when I was young.
  [years later]
  Elladan: Honestly, Estel, when we were young we had more sense! Legolas, make that face again and I shall slay you where you stand, I swear it.
  [later]
  Estel/Aragorn: When I am older, I will never, never tell anyone that I was more sensible when I was young.
  [years later]
  Aragorn: But, truly, when I was young, I had far more sense that this. [Beat] My aim may not be as good as yours, Legolas, but if you laugh you will find that I am capable of hitting an Elf at ten feet.
• The Curious Tale of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins and Her Magic Ring:
  • The Witch-King of Angmar has to put up with Lobelia's constant complaints for several days.
  Lobelia: [about Barad-Dûr] What is that? A tower? How come your Lord needs a tower? Even the mayor of Michel-Delving contents himself with a hobbit-hole, lavish and pretentious though it may be. Whoever needs or wants a tower? Now that is just atrociously bad taste! –- And what about all the stairs? How do you even clean such a tower?
  The Witch-king stared straight ahead. Not much longer, he told himself.
  The other eight Nazgûl were hanging back suspiciously far, and only a fool would believe it had nothing to do with an attempt to get out of earshot of Lobelia's tirades.
  • Sauron demands Lobelia gives him the Ring. She does... and it falls right through his hand, because he doesn't have a physical body yet.
  • "Shadows, per definition, could not grimace. So it must suffice if I tell you, dear reader, that if Sauron had had anything resembling a face, he would have pulled a grimace that is usually reserved for little children who have been told that they would have spinach pie for lunch."
  • Sauron is only able to use the Ring through Lobelia. This leads to him giving the Orcs orders, only for her to tell them to do something else — usually, something related to farming or gardening. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Denethor uses the palantír to reach Sauron. He and Boromir are very confused by Sauron's reaction.
  Sauron: Look, I don't have time for this nonsense. How about you call me back later when I don't have -– Seven hells, woman, stop telling them to dig irrigation trenches for the broccoli, it is bad enough that you've planted everything around Barad-Dûr, but the plain of Gorgoroth is a military field not a vegetable patch! [...] Also, why in Morgoth's name is the Witch-king standing in the middle of the pumpkin patch and waving his arms like a dimwit?
  • Lobelia proves that her trip to Mordor hasn't changed her at all when, upon returning home, she reveals that she stole most of Sauron's cutlery.

Twilight

• In the fourth chapter of Cullenary Education: Forks Sex Ed, Edward thinks the following about a particularly shallow couple:
  He was only considering the implications to a possible pregnancy in terms of how it would affect his sex life in the upcoming days, and she was only considering how it would affect her reputation. They truly deserved one another. At least Bella would never be tormented by a situation such as that. No, she only had to worry about rogue rabid vampires and a boyfriend that could kill her by mistake in a moment of passion.
  • Carlisle giving an auditorium full of high school students The Talk, and Edward noting that half the girls are fantasizing about having sex with him.
  They liked older men, that much was clear.
  • "Carlisle—or Doctor Carlisle Condom, as we would forevermore call him..."
  • The scene in part 5 where Edward is driving Bella home from school, his car filled with condoms.
    • In particular, the part where Bella's attempt to flirt with Edward nearly makes him crash the car.
  • Agnes pinching Charlie's butt.
  • Carlisle teasing Edward about his abstinence.
  "At least he has a sex life, even if it is solitary." I thought for Edward’s sake. He glared at me in response.
• Brotherhood
• Friday's Child: Renesmee's new hairstyle is described as looking "like a flock of distressed baby ducklings have taken up residence on her head".

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