Bedevere: So, logically... Peasant: If...she weighs... the same as a duck... she's made of wood! Bedevere: And therefore...? (Beat) Another Peasant: ...a witch! Crowd:A witch! A witch! A witch!!
Insane Troll Logic is the kind of logic that just can't be argued with because it's so demented, so lost in its own insanity. Any attempts to correct it would be met with more gibberish. It is logic failure that crosses over into parody or Poe's Law. A character says something so blatantly illogical that it has to be deliberate on the part of the writer.
For examples of Insane Troll Logic by video game developers, see You Can't Get Ye Flask, Moon Logic Puzzle, and [extreme examples of] Guide Dang It.
For examples of characters who engage in this, see The Ditz, Cloud Cuckoolander, Strawmen, Moral Guardians, and of course trolls of both internet and mythological origin. For when the Insane Troll Logic leads to a true conclusion, see Bat Deduction and Right For The Wrong Reasons. If this trope is exaggerated beyond the point that it even makes grammatical sense, it can become a Word Salad Philosophy. Irrational Hatred may have this as its basis, and Chewbacca Defense is literally built of it.
Sometimes it's just Obfuscating Stupidity or Obfuscating Insanity in action.
Warning: trying to understand the following trains of logic may make your brain hurt.
No Real Life Examples, Please! Disagreements may cause flame wars. Those very flame wars will happen on this website if started, therefore TV Tropes' servers might catch on fire and may get damaged, and spread to the rest of the internet via gravity. It's physics. These flame wars will be the depth of the internet — not DEATH, but they are similar concepts, because they're similarly pronounced. Furthermore, many computers are connected to those servers and they might catch on fire, too. Ergo, fire is bad. So, remember to always douse your computer with water when under a disagreement.
Intentional examples:
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Advertising
Thisadcampaign from DirecTV. See what happens when you make bad decisions — namely, choosing the Other Guys’ subpar cable services. For example:
If you wait too long for the cable repairman to arrive, you get bored. When you get bored, you start staring out windows. When you start staring out windows, you see things you shouldn't see. When you see things you shouldn't see, you need to vanish. When you need to vanish, you fake your own death. When you fake your own death, you dye your eyebrows. And when you dye your eyebrows, you attend your own funeral as a man named Phil Shifley.
Toshiba used a similar argument in one commercial to tout their shock-proof hard drives, because if a power station tech drops his laptop and breaks the hard disk, then it causes a glitch and the power will go out. If that happens, then your milk will spoil. If that happens, you'll drink the spoiled milk and turn into a zombie, then bite your roommate, who will then bite others until zombies roam the land. So dropped laptop = Zombie Apocalypse, and that's why shock-proof hard drives are good. It's ostensibly played for comedy, but the ad offers up a bit of Fridge Horror when you notice that the guy following this loony-bin train of logic is the president of the company.
A Geico campaign featured a car insurance taste test. Yes.
Toast always lands buttered-side down. Cats always land on their feet. So, what happens when you tape toast, buttered-side up, on a cat's back? Infinite energy!
One advertisement for a detox clinic in the United States attempts to argue that because alcohol addiction is recognized as a disease, it can not be cured with a Twelve-Step program. The logic behind this claim? Diabetes is also a disease and nobody treats that with a twelve step program!
Anime & Manga
Each individual country in Axis Powers Hetalia thinks this about each other's customs, languages, and even their dietary habits. A bit of Fridge Logic for those who have ever traveled outside their own country and thought this about the place they were visiting.
Haruhi Suzumiya: Haruhi Suzumiya does this at times. Then again, she is something of a Cloud Cuckoolander, but it's most likely that she doesn't mean it seriously. The prologue of the 4th novel had this nice dialogue:
Haruhi: "Crab is a no-no. I can't take it. Picking the flesh out of the shell drives me nuts. Why can't crabs make their shells edible? How come they didn't do anything about that during the course of evolution, might I ask?" Kyon (narrating): "They don't undergo natural selection in the depths of the sea just for the sake of your stomach!"
Haruhi's take on that classic storytelling element, The Climax:
Haruhi: There's something I've always wondered about. You often see people die in the last episode of TV shows and the like. Doesn't that feel unnatural? Why do they just happen to die at that time? It's strange. That's why I hate anything where someone dies at the end! I would never make a movie like that!
She keeps up this trend in the spinoff series Haruhi Chan:
Haruhi (seeing some cherry blossoms blowing by): Cherry blossoms... Petals falling... Blood splattering... Dig a hole... Bury... Under the cherry blossom... Kyon! Let's have a viewing party! Kyon: How do those thoughts connect to a cherry blossom viewing party?
Stop Bullying Me: Yuri seems under the impression that being in the school's book club will make people believe he is an honors student.
Osaka from Azumanga Daioh is full of this, but one case stands out in particular: she concludes she has to drown in order to learn how to swim, since drowned people always float (she had not yet figured out how to float).
She also concludes that, since snails are not insects, they must in fact be bugs.
Isaac and Miria of Baccano! have a lot of this. One instance is kind of like the Fat Tony example, in which he argues that just as you can get vegetables from eating steak (obviously, this is wrong itself), if you steal someone's wallet, whatever is inside then belongs to you. He also asserts that a mine in which gold has never been discovered is a great place to look for gold for precisely that reason.
Even better, the entire 'mining for gold' thing is linked with their usual career of thievery by Isaac claiming that they're stealing from the Earth itself.
One of their heists involved stealing the front door of a museum, so that nobody could get in.
Even better is his continuation of the "take someone's wallet" logic. If you pick up the person holding the wallet...
The Slash reveals that Jacuzzi's mind tends to switch to Insane Troll Logic when he's scared.
...A loud doorbell is scary. Scary like something dangerous. Dangerous like the Mafia, which means the Mafia have come to kill us, I know it! I have to hide!
Yoshii: You might not know this, but, in Japan there's a legend saying you'll be blessed if you confess beneath a legendary tree! And there's only one thing "legendary tree" could be referring to at this school... It refers to the legendary beauty, Hideyoshi Kinoshita!note Kinoshita can be translated as "under a tree". In other words, you'll be blessed if you confess to Hideyoshi! Hideyoshi: This is wrong on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin.
Durarara!!'s own troll Orihara Izaya runs on this logic, all the time. As do Izaya's sisters, Kururi and Mairu. Kida has moments, too, as he can conclude any remark by "... so, let's go pick up chicks!"
Shizuo also applies in episode three. After being hit in the head by a goon, he says this:
Shizuo: "You just went for my head, didn't you? ... You know that you could kill someone by hitting a vital spot on their head, right? ... If you know this, then you were trying to kill me, right? ... So you shouldn't have any complaints no matter what I do to you, right?!" (mega punch).
He later makes a similar rant taken to an even greater level, arguing that since there's a 0.0000000000000001 percent chance of dying from the "evil eye", beating up someone who glared at him is justified self-defense.
In the original show, Hayato and Kai are so mad that Amuro Ray wasn't executed for desertion that they, wait for it, desert. I don't know where to begin with that.
In the first episode of Minami-keChiaki uses her own brand of insane troll logic to convince her sister that her classmate's love note is actually a challenge to a fight. And Chiaki's reason for doing this? "He's popular, there's no way he likes Kana."
It doesn't sound so insane until you listen to her translation, wherein "I love your cheerful, energetic personality" gets turned into "Hey, you're really noisy and annoying!" and "meet me in the classroom after school" translates into "Let's fight once there's no one there to hinder us." Whether or not Chiaki was being serious or simply cruel is hard to tell...
In later episodes, Chiaki uses a new form of insane troll logic to adopt herself a brother (who just so happens to be a girl) simply because their last names are the same.
While Minami-ke is chock full of insane troll logic, Hosaka will always take the cake. Hosaka's brain automatically jumps from "Haruka likes good food" to "I must become the greatest chef ever to impress her." And it only gets worse from there.
An episode of Kimba the White Lion has a Prima Donna Director who's filming a nature documentary use this logic as to why he put a captive orangutan in his documentary, even though there are no orangutans in Africa. He says that because he and his workers are in Africa and that there's an orangutan (the captive one) right next to them, there are orangutans in Africa.
Haguro Dou from Wolf Guy - Wolfen Crest is a very scary example of this. Yeah, Haguro — people don't tend to actively go out and seek out people who want to do harm unto them. Soooooooo, why are you?
To make this even more twisted in every possible way, his version of Disproportionate Retribution is drenched in this. Some guy doesn't want you to bug him anymore with your psychotic shenanigans — and you believe that he wronged you by "ignoring you"? Well, why not settle this unfair dispute by kidnapping his Morality Chain, then having her chained to a wall and repeatedly gang raped for several hours in front of a camera where you have your object of "obsession" forcefully watch the act proceed as you threaten to release the video to ensure that said Implied Love Interest has her life ruined forever unless he transforms into a werewolf — during a time which he can't do so — just for you?
Gau from Nabari No Ou's blind trust in Raikou occasionally leads him to make questionable leaps in logic, including his conviction that Kouichi likes glasses so much that he draws them onto his face with magic markers.
Katsura from Gintama in particular deserves a special mention for believing that Gintoki could hide inside a tin can and writing an exam consisting of problems like "There are 10 Shinsengumi members. Six Anti-Foreigner Faction members run into them. Three Anti-Foreigner Faction members are killed. The Anti-Foreigner Faction members kill two Shinsengumi members but six more join them and two Anti-Foreigner Faction members are injured. How many noses does Jackie have?"
Turns 19 and 20 of Code Geass revel in this, with the Black Knights' betrayal by gunpoint of Lelouch based on some spotty testimony and failure to realize he didn't necessarily use it on them given that they were even able to go ahead with the betrayal, and Ohgi telling Kallen that not only did they not need Zero any longer, but they now had Britannian forces to help them find and kill Zero. The same Britannian forces they fought for liberation against. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.
Science Ninja Team Gatchaman episode "The Gluttonous Monster Ibukuron": The Humongous Mech of the title was stealing all the sugar it could grab. note Sugar is an important resource, fairly easy to get to when the relevant plants are growing, and Katse wants to rule the world. Dr. Nambu's reasoning was, "They're trying to make the children suffer by nabbing the world's sugar." (Subverted in that his secondary theory is "to throw the world into confusion.")
The episode became G-Force: Guardians of Space, "The Locustoid", and takes the screwy logic up a further notch. Dr. Brighthead *
yes, really
says that Gallactor is trying to win the loyalty of children because, "If your parents couldn't give you sweets, wouldn't you go to someone who could?"
In Code Breaker, pretty much everything that comes out of the "Angels'" mouths.
Why do the Angels want to kill countless normal people? Because normal people do not know the value of life, which in turn makes them evil.
And how are they planning on proving that humans don't care about life? By setting up a voting system where people can chose to either let hardcore violent criminals, for whom they give graphic details of their heinous crimes and who were previously on death row, live or die. Because if they choose die, that means people will kill others for no reason. The fact that most of the people voting assume it's a joke doesn't matter.
Now again, they release all of the criminals and tell them that if they can flee they can live, then they call them scum because they are committing crimes so they can escape being killed by them.
One Piece practically runs on this, but of particular note are some international laws directed at single individuals the world government pass. If you at one point happened to have had business with, be the child of, or have laid eyes on the wrong person, you might retroactively find yourself sentenced to death as an unrepentant criminal when he turns out to later become a particularly notorious pirate.
This is the entire basis of the existence of the Johnny Turbo comics, and the "plot" follows suit. Buy the Turbo Duo game system, because FEKA is composed of evil robots!
Everything Doctor Doom does makes sense if you believe as he does that everything wrong with his life is Reed Richards'fault.
Deadpool runs on Obfuscating Insanity, but every once in a while, his brain slips (another) gear and he goes into full-blown troll logic. Usually, you only find out which he was using after the body count is tallied.
At one point, presumably, the thought process went like this: I got my powers from weird experiments on a mutant, therefore I am a mutant. I am a mutant, therefore I am an X-Man. I am an X-Man, therefore I need to wear an X-Man costume, therefore I will run around in Marvel Girl's old green miniskirt outfit◊. Cyclops was not amused.
The goal of the Dark Judges in Judge Dredd is to kill everybody. Their reasoning is that because crimes are committed by the living, living is itself a crime. Eliminate life, eliminate crime. (That law exists and is enforced solely because life continues doesn't enter their minds at any point.)
The Three Blind Mice of Fables. They'll be walking along headed for some goal (usually a fairly far-out one), and one will question if there is such a place/circumstance/etc. One of the mice (usually Thaddeus) will then say that since no one has stopped them or they haven't been told that their goal is not attainable, then it must be there, and all they have to do is find it. Rose Red has a particularly funny example.
In one issue of The Simpsons, Milhouse was convinced he was invisible thanks to Bart and some business involving Professor Frink's dumpster. When Milhouse found himself about to have the local bullies beat the crap out of them, Bart stepped in with this trope, arguing that there are many invisible things you can't see which are dangerous, so how dangerous could something invisible you can see be? Lampshaded immediately when Jimbo ran off with a cry of "Let's get outta here! He's using contradictory logic!"
Fan Works
In the Jackie Chan Adventures and Teen Titans crossover fanfiction A Shadow Of The Titans, the Ax Crazy villain Gadjo's (mis)understanding of human relationships (romantic) boils down to women basically giving men sex to get them to take out the trash (and it's even WACKIER in full). The Titans are all stunned, save for BB, who's TAKING NOTES!
Calvin And Hobbes The Series: Calvin claims that since one of the water balloons was the same color as the ones Socrates had attacked him with last week, then the latter must be the culprit.
Harry: Oh, okay... So Magneto is okay, because you can see his face through the helmet, even if he tries to Kill All Humans and stuff, but Spider-Man's a bad guy because you can't see his face. Gotcha.
In "Bill Nye The Blooper Guy", the title character is on his roof, preparing for an experiment.
Bill: Hi, kids! Bill Nye here! And I'm going to teach you about gravity! It can save us all. As we know, there is no gravity in space. Earth is part of space; therefore, Earth has no gravity! Watch this! (Jumps off roof)
Film
In Silent Hill, Rose knows where to go by finding vague items; she always turns out to be right, but it gets odd when she MUST go to the hotel because she found a piece of a sign in some dead guy's mouth.
It makes sense, however, since the town seems to follow dream/nightmare logic rather than that of Real Life.
In Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the eponymous characters are arrested and forced to eat "cockmeat sandwich". When Kumar asks the guard (whose dick he and Harold have to suck) if the guard is gay, he responds, "There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked; you're the gay ones for sucking my dick! In fact, it creeps me out being around you fags." The group escapes before they have to put this to the test.
According to George Bush in this movie, you're a hypocrite if you like getting handjobs, but not giving them.
Murder By Death: Somehow, Sam Diamond links a girl walking off with his money in 1940 Paris with the German invasion of France that by chance occurred two hours later. Of course, it's played for laughs. It's also a Shout Out to Casablanca, another film Humphrey Bogart is famous for.
Paraphrased from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Witches burn. Wood also burns. Therefore witches are made of wood. Wood floats in water. A duck also floats in water. So logically, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood! And therefore, Burn the Witch!. When they put her on the scales, she does indeed weigh the same as the duck. The townspeople first reach the conclusion that they can tell if she's a witch by throwing her into the pond, which actually is part of witchcraft folklore. Logically, if the accused floats, she's a witch using magic and must be burned. If she sinks and drowns, she's not.
The hilarious bit is that in this case they're actually right.
Witch: It's a fair cop.
In Monty Pythons Life Of Brian, a bunch of people become convinced that Brian is The Messiah, which he vehemently denies. As somebody points out, "Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!" So Brian says that he is the Messiah, causing the crowd to shout, "He is! He is!"
Barbossa: "For sure, you have to be lost to find a place as can't be found, elsewise everyone would know where it is!"
Captain Jack Sparrow not only uses ITL, his logic is so insane that it quite nearly loops back around to making sense. Added to the fact that it alternately seems like Obfuscating Insanity and, well, just plain old fashioned insanity, yet still awesome. Like how he explained that you can trust a dishonest person (because you know they WILL be dishonest) but you can't trust an honest person (because you never know when they'll do something honest, but incredibly stupid). And, at least in the context of the movie, he was right.
The Dynamic Duo, Commissioner Gordon, and Chief O'Hara are attempting to figure out who made a murderous attack on the Caped Crusader — with a shark stuffed full of TNT:
Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder. Gordon: You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin. Robin: But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman! Batman: Yet — that exploding shark was pulling my leg! Gordon:The Joker! O'Hara: It all adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-er. Riddler?
The same movie tops it later when Batman and Robin try to figure out the Riddler's pair of clues to his latest caper:
Batman: One: What has yellow skin and writes? Robin: A ballpoint banana! Batman: Right. Two: What people are always in a hurry? Robin: Rushing... People... Russians! Batman: Right again. Now, what would you say they mean? Robin: Banana... Russian... I've got it! Someone Russian is gonna slip on a banana peel and break their neck! Batman:Precisely Robin! The only possible meaning.
Penguin: Whenever you've seen Batman, who's he with? Criminals! That's who. Look in the old newspapers. Every picture of Batman shows him with thugs, and with thieves, hob-nobbing with crooks... Whereas my pictures always show me surrounded by whom? By the police!
Played for laughs in this scene from Black Dynamite, where the gang make a ludicrous number of associations to deduce the villains' scheme.
Major plot point in 1982's Alone In The Dark 1982. Dr. Bain has come to replace Dr. Merton in a mental institute. Patients who really liked Merton come to the conclusion that Merton is gone, Bain is here, Bain killed Merton, and they ought to kill him before he kills them too. Granted, they are literally insane.
Speed Zone: When Vic comes to kill Alec, Alec tries to talk him out of it. He's placed money on a car in a cross-country road race and explains that the odds of that car winning are one hundred to one. He then reasons that since he's been gambling with Vic's boss for ninety-six months (12 months in a year X 8 years), his odds of winning the bet are four to one (100 - 4).
Alec: Their odds are a hundred. My odds are four. Vic, I can win that race even if that car blows all four tires and an engine!
Caligula: "That IS your treason! You're an honest man, Proculus, which means a bad Roman! Therefore, you are a traitor! Logical, hmm? Ha, ha, ha!" Of course, this line is said by the title character, who actually WAS insane.
Abbott And Costello's movie Little Giant brings us this gem where Costello's character attempts to prove (three different ways) that 7 x 13 = 28.
This equation is also quite common among their other acts as well (I've seen salesmen, hotel bookings, in a bakery...).
In The Gore Gore Girls, detective Abraham Gentry intentionally puts Lieutenant Anderson on the wrong track in his pursuit of a Serial Killer through a bit of Insane Troll Logic: When the Lieutenant asks Abraham what he was doing with the victim the night the murder occurred, he makes a sarcastic comment about witnessing to her and giving her a Bible. The Lieutenant points out that there wasn't a Bible at the scene, and Abraham replies that the murderer must have stolen it, and therefore the person they're looking for must be a religious fanatic. At a later crime scene, he manages to keep the Lieutenant looking in this direction despite the fact that this victim did have a Bible; obviously, the killer stole her Bible, then replaced it with another one to throw the police off.
Virtually all the Creator/Marx Brothers films include examples of Insane Troll Logic played for laughs. A quick sample from A Night At The Opera:
Driftwood: (presenting a contract and pen) Sign here. Fiorello: I forgot-a tell you, I don't write. Driftwood: That's all right — there's no ink in the pen.
Gamebooks
Bowser's scheme in the Nintendo Adventure BookDinosaur Dilemma. To quote the Super Mario Wiki:
Bowser has his minions begin abducting all the dinosaurs in Dinosaur Island, so he can "prove" his theory that the dinosaurs went extinct due to not looking both ways before they crossed the street; once the dinosaurs and all evidence of their existence are gone and his theory is thus "proven" true, Bowser intends to be awarded the Snowbell Prize (feeding the cooked dinosaurs to the committee awarding it) and be named curator of the Mushroom Kingdom Museum of Natural History, conveniently located across the street from Mushroom Palace, which he plans on pelting with garbage.
Jokes
This is the basis of an entire genre of humor from the 60s and 70s: elephant jokes. For example:
Alice: Why do elephants wear green sneakers? Bob: Why? Alice: To conceal themselves when they run across pool tables. Did you ever see an elephant run across a pool table? Bob: No. Alice: See? It works!
Prove logicaly that a cat has three tails.
1. No cat has two tails.
2. A cat has one more tail than no cat.
3. Therefore, a cat has three tails.
The explanation of L-space: Books contain knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power is energy. Energy = matter. Matter equals mass. A library or bookshop is "a genteel black hole that knows how to read".
Then there's Cribbins at the end of Making Money. He intended to out Moist von Lipwig as archswindler Albert Spangler as a scam to get money out of him. But Moist outed himself before Cribbins got the chance. So Cribbins concludes that Moist, having kiboshed his scam, now owes him five thousand dollars.
The Auditors of Discworld reason that any sentient personality exists for a finite period, which is negligible in comparison to the infinity of Time. Therefore, they instantly cease to exist if they make the fatal mistake of identifying themselves as "I". The book Lampshades the Insane Troll Logic of this, but the erring Auditors themselves vanish too quickly to ever catch on.
Some of the less sophisticated members of the Watch (i.e. Colon and Nobby) have this approach to confessions. If someone confesses to a crime then you believe them, even if it is impossible for them to have committed said crime. The people you don't believe are the ones who won't confess. Only guilty people are trustworthy.
Catch Twenty Two and its sequel Closing Time. Never let Milo Minderbinder talk. Or ex-PFC Wintergreen. Milo was able to make a profit by selling black market foodstuffs to himself. And rightfully bragged about it. The whole of Catch 22 is based on the idea that the military is run on insane troll logic, as is the US system of capitalism. Look at the explanation of where Minderbender convinces High Command that the Luftwaffe subcontracting bombing the Americans to the USAAF is perfectly reasonable.
The eponymous guide proves that there is no life in the universe by first informing us that the universe is of infinite size, and that there is a finite number of inhabited worlds in the universe. Since any finite number divided by infinity is so small "as makes no odds", then clearly any life in the galaxy must be the product of a deranged mind. And that anybody you encounter is therefore just a figment of your imagination.
It also said that the Babel Fish proves there is no God. After all, it is so staggeringly improbable that such a thing would have been created by chance that it proves there is a creator. However, God has said that He refuses to provide proof of His own existence as with proof there is no need for faith, therefore by proving His existence, He simultaneously proves that He does not exist "and disappears in a Puff of Logic". The man who proves this goes on to prove that black is white. In the TV version, it is explained that combining all colors together in the form of paint equals black, while combining all colors in the form of light (from colored bulbs) equals white. Fittingly, the man gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing/crosswalk.
Legal precedent was established when the Guide was sued by the families of hitchhikers who had taken the entry on the planet Traal literally. (It said "The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal often makes a very good meal for visiting tourists" rather than "The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal often makes a very good meal of visiting tourists") The Guide's lawyers summoned a poet to testify under oath that beauty was truth and truth beauty, and therefore blamed life for failing to be either beautiful or true. The judges concurred, and in a moving statement, held life itself in contempt of court and duly confiscated it from all present before retiring for a pleasant evening's ultra-golf.
In The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Zaphod justifies stealing a spaceship thusly: "Property is theft, right? Therefore, theft is property, therefore this ship is ours."
In And Another Thing..., the same people who use the Babel Fish to prove that God doesn't exist use the silver-tongued devil, an even more useful creature, to prove that Satan does. There's Lampshade Hanging about how little sense that makes.
In Life, the Universe and Everything, Ford justifies eating food left to them by natives with the reasoning that if the natives mean them harm and poisoned the food, and they don't eat it, the natives will get them some other way. Fair enough, but then he compares it to the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden and concludes that God is the sort of person to leave bricks covered with hats in the street — one way or another, he'll get you.
Dirk Gently. His chosen career was built around using this in order to list anything he likes, even holidays to the Bahamas, as "case-related expenses", although since nobody ever pays for his services, such as they are, it's kind of a futile gesture. Luckily, most of his cases can be solved by Bat Deductions, not that he'll ever get paid for doing so.
Scott Adams' book The Joy Of Work includes a section called "You Are Wrong Because," a handy sheet listing various logical fallacies and suggesting the reader make a copy and hand it to a coworker with the fallacy they have committed circled. Two of the examples that stand out as examples of this trope are "Amazingly Bad Analogy" ("You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore you can train a potato to dance.") and "Total Logical Disconnect" ("I enjoy pasta because my house is made of bricks.")
A contest in GAMES magazine actually had the contestants "arrive at an illogical conclusion through a series of logical steps". Yes, there was a contest on who could write the best Insane Troll Logic. The winner was this one. Proof that there is life after death. After death comes the mourning. After the morning, comes the night. Just past the Knight is the Bishop. Above the Bishop is the Pope. The pope has serious convictions. After a serious conviction, you get life. Therefore, there is life after death. This official name for this is the Fallacy of Equivocation.
"Well, money doesn't grow on trees, does it?" demanded the count. "I've heard not," said Milo. "Then something must. Why not words?" exclaimed the undersecretary triumphantly. The crowd cheered his display of logic and continued about its business.
"Be very quiet, for it goes without saying", about a cart without visible means of propulsion. Or the central plot point that Milo's task to rescue the princesses was impossible, but he was able to succeed because he didn't know that in advance.
In a short Italian story a king once decided to inspect his dungeons. He asked the first prisoner about his crime. The prisoner pled innocent. So did all the other prisoners but one, who confessed to numerous heinous crimes. The King ordered he be thrown out of the jail at once, so that he wouldn't besmear the convention of honest people with his presence.
A Serial Killer (who specialized in premature burial) in the Criminal Minds novel Killer Profile claimed that, while he buried his victims, he was not responsible for their deaths, they alone were. They should have tried harder to escape, and because they did not, they obviously did not want to live, and let themselves die, so all the alleged victims were not murdered, but actually committed suicide.
First printed in the book Science Askew[1], according to the proof that Barney The Dinosaur is the Antichrist or Satan, if you take the phrase CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR (since that's what his fans call him), then convert U to V and cut everything that isn't a Roman numeral, then the sum of the result (C+ V+ V+ L+ D+ I+ V) is 100+ 5+ 5+ 50+ 500+ 1+ 5 is 666.
Wayne from Brandon Sanderson's The Alloy of Law comes up with some hilarious examples, such as: "I bought a ward against [logic] off a traveling fortune-teller. It lets me add two 'n' two and get a pickle."
Nathan: The routes must be the same length, or there would be signs saying otherwise
Abdel from Someone Elses War doesn't just speak this language, he practically invented it.
In the Star Risk Ltd series, Jasmine King left her previous job after her supervisor decided she was too perfect to be human, therefore she was an android, therefore he didn't legally need to pay her.
In Madea's Family Reunion, Victoria tries to rationalize the fact that she let her second husband, Lisa's father and Vanessa's stepfather, rape her in order to stay. Vanessa outright asks if she's insane.
In The Quran Abu Lahab doesn't believe and staunchly opposes The Prophet Muhammad - to the point where the latter prophesies that Lahab will eventually burn in hellfire as an unbeliever. Of course, Lahab not believing in such things is unmoved by such a threat. The IST / Catch-22 comes when some use this passage to reason that Lahab could have easily have proven Muhammad's prophecy wrong and thereby scored further points by simply converted to Islam - as it would thereby let him avoid going to hell (as according to Islam). Yes, Lahab ought to have debunked the teachings and inspiredness of Muhammad by accepting the teachings and inspiredness of Muhammad, according to the Da Rules as dictated by teachings and inspiredness of Muhammad...
The Tamuli trilogy features Insane Troll Logic from an actual Troll! (Ok, one of their Gods, but still). Ulath and Tynian are able to travel around in 'No Time', in which the Troll Gods freeze time to allow someone to move large distances in between seconds. However, while in this space between spaces they are still able to percieve the actions of the people around them in real-time. How is this paradox reconciled? Because the Troll Gods think that it works that way.
In the Resident Evil novel City of the Dead, Chief Irons holds Claire Redfield at gunpoint and demands to know why she's there. When she tries to explain that she only wants to finds her brother, Chris Redfield, Irons comes to the conclusion that since Chris had worked against him that Chris worked for Umbrella—and by extension thus Claire works for Umbrella and was sent by Umbrella to kill Irons. And no amount of explaining on Claire's part can convince him otherwise, as he takes her complete and utter bewilderment of his accusations as an admission of guilt.
Live-Action TV
This is done repeatedly in The Colbert Report. One of the most absurd examples is the Da Colbert Code, where Stephen Colbert makes predictions using free association, starting with actors' names and titles of movies.
...and again in 2009, without error. (Da Colbert Code actually spat out the right answer twice in a row when he didn't like the answer and tried again, until he finally blatantly picked the one he "wanted" to win.)
He also used the Da Colbert Code to predict the outcome of the 2008 election through free-associations intended to link to John McCain but kept coming up with Barack Obama, much to his dismay.
The Nostradamus Explanation of Why Bush is Mabus, from Penn & Teller: Bullshit! Flip the M upside down, drop the A, and add the "silent latin H" on the end, and you get Wbush, or W. Bush. Which is clearly what Nostradamus meant when he called the guy Mabus.
The Nostradamus Explanations of Why either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden was Mabus was just as random. And now there's also the little problem of both being dead...
A documentary about Nostradamus on the History Channel used similar logic, combining the last two letters of Osama's first name, with the first three letters of Bush's surname, to "prove" that Bush and Bin Laden were both Mabus.
Played for laughs when interviewing the main "The LHC will kill us all!" proponent on The Daily Show, whose logic on giving it a 50/50 chance of destroying the world was "It'll either happen or it won't, thus there are two possibilities, and since it can be either one, it has to be 50/50."
John Oliver: I don't think that's how probability works.
Then beautifully parodied when John Oliver pretends to believe it is a 50/50 chance and offers that when the world ends he and the (male) proponent of the LHC-myth should try and repopulate the earth. After all, even if they're both males, there's still a 50/50 chance of them being able to successfully reproduce (it either will happen or it won't).
Carlson: You had this marvelous opportunity not to be the guy's butt-boy, to go ahead [sic] and be his butt-boy! It's embarrassing! Stewart: Yes, I was absolutely his butt-boy. I was so far up... You would not believe what he ate two weeks ago.
An episode of Charmed opened with Billie coming up with a completely logical plan to find her sister, Christy, who'd been abducted as a child: the demonic forces who likely abducted her would need a powerful agent to move through in the mortal world, and who's more powerful than corporate America? So, she found a guy who was abducted as a kid — just like Christy — and now works for "corporate America" (which part? GlaxoSmithKline? WalMart? Vivid Video?), and she's meeting with him for lunch to see if there's any trace of demonic residue. It says a lot about the general quality of the episode that this plan actually scores results.
Also keep in mind that in Charmed demons can teleport at their leisure, making their "powerful agent" completely unnecessary in the first place. Thus this is a case of Poe's Law, since its not meant to be a parody but it's taken seriously. Now you understand why in certain circlesCharmed writers were known as 'Crack Monkeys'.
The 1960s Batman show used a lot of this in Batman's free association logic, especially in Riddler episodes. Even if the actual answers to the riddles were straightforward, Batman had to employ a lot of ITL to figure out how they related to anything relevant.
Penguin actually used to this to his advantage in one episode by leaving behind a purposefully cryptic (and bugged) umbrella for Batman to find, knowing he'd assume it was a clue. Penguin himself had no plans for a crime. He simply listened to Batman and Robin guess at what his next heist would be and make their plan to stop him. Armed with the knowledge of both how to commit his crime and how Batman would try to stop it, Penguin then successfully pulled off the heist.
In John Cleese's The Strange Case Of The End Of Civilization As We Know It, the CIA representative asks the Best Minds of the Police of Five Continents what they should do about Moriarty's plot to destroy civilization, etc., noting that "this fiend will stop at nothing." The Best Mind of the Police of Africa proposes that they do nothing, since if Moriarty will stop at nothing, if they do nothing he will stop. The CIA man tries to find the flaw in this, but only ends up muttering "If we do anything, he won't stop, so...."
Earlier, havoc ensues when the CIA man reporting to the President of the United States (who is not Gerald Ford, honest) insists on responding to a question with "Negative".
"You found a negative?" "No, I was speaking IN the negative." "HE found a negative?" "He was speaking in the negative too." "You mean... there was a photograph of you speaking to me... and the negative was in Groppinger's diary?
The majority of Michael Kelso's thought processes on That '70s Show are this. Some examples:
Point A: Kelso needs a new vehicle for Brooke and their soon-to-be-born child after his van is destroyed. Point B: The two-seater mini-convertible is frickin' sweet, always a good thing in a vehicle. Path A-B: Babies are tiny, the mini-convertible is tiny, therefore the mini-convertible is better for the baby than a sedan or van.
Point A: You cannot steer a canoe on land (tied to a car or sliding down a mountain). Point B: You can use a paddle to steer a canoe. Path A-B: It does not matter if you are on land, because you can steer a canoe with a paddle, duh.
Similar to the Daily Show example above: In an episode of Corner Gas, someone asks, "What are the chances that we have a riot in Dog River?" Karen answers in all seriousness, "I'd say 50-50: either we get a riot, or we don't."
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the Trope Namer, using this phrase as a miniature Running Gag, appearing in three episodes. Ironically, its uses aren't really examples as two of them refer to literal trolls.
In a flashback, Anya's then-boyfriend Olaf, whom she later turns into the aforementioned Troll, says to her "Your logic is insane, like that of a Troll!"
While Buffy is talking to a recently-risen vampire about her failed relationships, he asks her whose fault her parents' divorce was, to which she responds, "Ok, y'know what? This is beyond evil; this is insane troll logic. What do my parents have to do with this?"
Speaking of insane troll logic, Principal Snyder (who employs such logic to pin blame on Buffy and her allies for anything and everything) is referred to as the troll by several Scoobies...
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has a generous helping of this, given that all its characters are Jerk Assidiots. For example, this is Charlie's explanation of why burning trash in the bar's furnace is environmentally sound: If he threw it away, it would just be packed into a landfill, but burning it saves heating money and converts the trash to warmth and also gives the bar the nice, smokey burning trash smell. Also, instead of just rotting away on the earth, the burned trash turns to smoke and eventually goes into the air where it turns into stars.
Mac: That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about stars to dispute it.
Chris Morris's sketch show Jam features a sketch in which stupid people are employed to engage in arguments, the idea being that they are so incompetent at logic that their opponents will simply give up in frustration.
A favored tactic of Kelly Bensimon on The Real Housewives of New York City. She likes to start arguments with outrageously flawed statements as their centerpiece. For example, she once explained that the reason that she and another woman saw things so differently was because "I'm a blonde, you're a brunette". Even if that mattered, it's not true: Kelly's hair is dark auburn, not even close to blond. It's possible that she knows that this gives her an advantage, in the sense that there's no possible comeback when someone's gone and played the cray-cray card; but it's more likely that she's just an angry Cloud Cuckoolander speaking her honest mind.
Young Blades: In "The Chameleon," the young King Louis XIV reads part of a book from India saying that the Master of Changing Light, after years of intense study and training, can make himself look like other people. He tries concentrating for a few seconds and then gives up. Leads to this scene later in the episode:
D'Artagnan: What if I told you there is an impostor in Paris who can look like anyone?...
Louis: You've been reading that book of fairy tales, haven't you? The Master of Changing Light?... Pure fantastical nonsense! I mean, I tried it myself, and if the King of France can't bend his appearance to the force of his will, I ask you, who can?
In Keeping Up Appearances, Hyacinth's social-climbing attempts and rationales can sometimes take on this edge. She once asked Richard to smile while doing the gardening so that if any people she was trying to impress happened to drop by they'd assume that they could afford a gardener but choose not to because Richard enjoyed it so much.
This crops up in just about every speech given by Roderick Spode who is meant to be a parody of Sir Oswald Mosley in Jeeves and Wooster. Some of his ideas include creating a giant collapsible channel bridge to drown anyone who tries to cross and wants to replace 27,000 miles of railway track in order to widen their spacing by eight inches to facilitate the transportation of livestock, paid for by the fact that sheep will be able to stand sideways
On Martin, the title character's CD player has gone missing and he spends the whole episode trying to figure out who took it. It turns that Martin's upstairs neighbor, Brotha Man, borrowed it without Martin's knowledge. Brotha Man explains that he left a note for Martin underneath his bathroom sink, figuring that Martin would eventually look there because Brotha Man had used up all the toilet paper. Everyone in the room, including Martin, is rendered speechless as Brotha Man casually shuffles out the window.
ThisA Bit Of Fry And Laurie sketch uses it brilliantly. During the interrogation, when the woman accused of being a lesbian points out that she's married a Bishop of the Church of England, the Prosecutor points out that the Church owns land. Land upon which houses have been built. Houses in which it is statistically probable that private acts of lesboid love have been committed.
In A Study in Pink, the first episode of Sherlock, the killer tells the eponymous detective that he committed no murders and that his victims all committed suicide because he gave them two pills: one poisoned, one not, and forced them at gunpoint to choose one, and every victim chose wrong.
In The Facts Of Life, Jo has been getting low grades in her journalism class. Her teacher, Mr. Gideon, tells her to get the facts and give her the acronym "Fast, Accurate, Credible, and True" to help her decide what to write on. After he berates her for writing a good story with facts that were out of date (but she had no way of knowing they were out of date), she continues looking for a story that will impress him. Next, some delivery guy named Roy tells her Mr. Gideon was arrested at a cocaine party. Jo checks the facts by calling the police for details, then writes a story that appears on the front page of the school newspaper. The troll logic here is that Jo wants to get a good grade in her journalism class, so to impress her teacher, she writes a smear piece on the same teacher, which gets him fired.
Both Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute on The Office have an issue with logic, but not normally for the same reasons, although Dwight is guilty of going along with whatever Michael says. Both characters seem to lack any sense of logic whatsoever, although Dwight seems to rationalize a bit better than Michael.
Married With Children's Al Bundy often uses this for marriage, wives, and the husbands that have to suffer, including himself.
In the Fraggle Rock episode "The Preachification of Convincing John", Mokey has very sensible (albeit wrong) reason for wanting the Fraggles to stop eating Doozer constructions. When this fails to persuade everyone, she recruits Convincing John, who explains it like this:
Well you eat a Doozer tower, And it's as pretty as a flower, And a flower's what you pick up in a field, But the field can have a hole, And you can fall in while you stroll, And then a Gorg can come along to find a meal, And he can pack you in a sack, And you can try to scramble back, But you'll never, ever, ever get free, 'Cause every time you eat a tower you'll be shut up for eternity!
In the premiere of Coupling, Susan breaks up with Patrick, and tells him that she had not been faithful to him. When he reveals that he had also been seeing someone else, she gets very upset, accusing him of cheating. When he calls her on her hypocrisy, she "explains" that "I wasn't cheating! I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful, and that means you were cheating. And I thought I knew you."
M*A*S*H: While in temporary command, Burns bans gambling. Hearing the kitchen guy lost $300 dollars, he claims it must have been stolen. When told the money was lost at gambling, Burns' reasoning is that since he banned gambling, then there isn't any gambling, so the money couldn't have been lost at gambling, so it must've been stolen.
Kryten: But it seemed to me that if humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise they'd just be picking on the chicken.
Everybody: Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?...
Also, their "Don't Go Into Politics" concludes that going into politics, science, or music is a bad idea, because so many famous politicians, scientists, and musicians are now dead.
In the song "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" by Country Music singer Mark Chesnutt, the title character gets angered by a song on the jukebox and shoots it. When the cops arrive, this trope occurs:
Reckless discharge of a gun, that's what the officer's a-claimin'
Bubba hollered, "Reckless, hell — I hit just where I was aimin'!"
When he's doing a report on bats, he classifies them as bugs because they fly, they're ugly, and they're hairy. He also says he'll get an A on his paper because he's using a "professional" clear plastic binder.
Calvin also protests going to school because if ignorance is bliss, then his education is a violation of his right to the pursuit of happiness. He puts on a patriotic, American Revolution-esque shtick, and when his teachers chase him as he tries to leave the classroom, he calls them "monarchists."
Dilbert: Reading increases my knowledge, and knowledge is power. Dogbert: But power corrupts... and corruption is a crime... and crime doesn't pay... if you keep reading, you'll go broke!!! Dilbert: It... it always seemed so harmless! Dogbert: Yeah, that's what the librarians want you to think.
Another Dilbert story arc introduced Dan the Illogical Scientist, who was a practiced hand at this sort of thing.
Dan: I'm much smarter than you because scientists have invented many things. Dilbert: But those are other scientists, not you. Dan: Apparently you don't understand how science works. ... Dan: That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports about ideas that didn't work. Alice: You haven't even looked at my idea. Dan: Oh, I get it; you're one of those religious nuts.
The Pointy-Haired Boss uses insane troll logic on several occasions. In at least one occasion, one of these hell-spawned managerial decisions causes Dilbert's head to explode.
Another example is Wally saying that there's no need for him to wash his towels, because he's the cleanest object in his house after bathing or washing. Therefore, his towels get cleaner every time they touch him.
Pearls Before Swine featured Rat wearing a hat that he claimed made him immortal. His logic was that he wore it and he hadn't died yet.
Pogo does this constantly. For example, when Albert is on trial for allegedly eating Pup-Dog, Seminole Sam produces a fish skeleton as evidence, arguing that Pup-Dog was so fond of water he was "jus' like a fish." Porkypine refutes him by pointing out that it's a catfish skeleton.
Often, the characters would attempt to outwit each other, each using their own Insane Troll Logic. The results were... frequently astonishing.
Howland Owl: Seminole Sam's hair tonic growed hair on me! Why you so worried about that watermelon?
Seminole Sam(listening to the melon): Worse than I thought! The melon has no pulse!
Albert: Mebbe it's holdin' its breath?
Radio
The Goon Show based a huge portion of its humor around this kind of logic. One of the best known examples is the exchange between Eccles and Bluebottle that is usually referred to by its first line, "What time is it, Eccles?" In this example, Eccles explains in a perfectly logical sequence of total nonsense that he knows what time it is, because he has the time written on a piece of paper in his pocket.
I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue uses a lot of this logic, either taking it seriously (of course Mornington Crescent is a real, rational game with a long and detailed history) or as one-off gags and quick silliness.
Humph: Graeme, why are cashew nuts never sold in their shells?
Graeme: Ah, that's because cashews are actually monkey kidneys. And monkey kidneys don't come in shells, they come in monkeys. That would bulk out the packaging too much.
In Big Finish Doctor Who, an Eldritch Abomination named Zagreus possesses the Doctor. The TARDIS manages to lock him up inside her. Zagreus tells her that he's dead now, so she'd better let him out. When the TARDIS pointedly remarks that dead people generally don't talk, Zagreus tries to convince her that she's mad for talking back to a dead person, so she'd better let him out.
For example, he's willing to donate all of his organs except his eyes. He doesn't want to donate his eyes because he's afraid of becoming a blind ghost. Even though he is convinced that blind people will get eyes in the afterlife.
Another example: Karl believes that snakes and spiders like hiding under rocks. The Earth is essentially a giant rock, with Australia underneath. That's why there's so many snakes and spiders in Australia.
Karl thought the dodo went extinct because it tasted terrible and no-one wanted to eat it.
Stand-up Comedy
Bill Cosby has a famous routine about him being rudely awakened by his wife, and his daughter asking him if she can have cake for breakfast. He decides it must be healthy because it has eggs, wheat and milk in it, and says yes.
For those out of the loop, slaadi are outsiders from the realm of chaos, are Always Chaotic Neutral (or Chaotic Evil in 4th edition), and who have a mechanically-enforced Our Monsters Are Weird creature-generation system. They also look like giant anthropomorphic frogs.
In Paranoia, playing along with The Computer's Insane Troll Logic is a major survival skill and plot instigator.
On the other hand, the Spurious Logic skill in early editions is not an example - the logic is sane, but the initial claim is a lie ("I'm an undercover Violet, Violets are cleared for plasma generators, therefore I'm cleared for this plasma generator").
This is part of the appeal of Warhammer 40000's Orks. Imperial scholars theorize that somewhere in the distant past a Mekboy built two superficially identical vehicles, one of which was painted red. Due to an immeasurable internal difference, the red vehicle went faster, so the Orks decided it was due to the color scheme, a belief they've stuck with ever since. Since the Orks are unconsciously, latently psychic, this means that any vehicle painted red goes faster because they expect it to.
Orks on military strategy: "Here's da plan: win. If we lose, it's because ya didn't follow da plan."
Orks on friendly fire: "If ya misses it, it's obviously one o' ours. If ya hits it, den it must be one o' theirs."
Orks on victory and defeat: "Orkses is never beaten in battle. If we win we win, if we die we die so it don't count as beat. If we runs for it we don't die neither, so we can always come back for anuvver go, see!"
Even better: "Orks is made for fightin' an' winnin'. So if dey lose, den dey weren't really Orks!"
Orks on being ambushed: "Ha! Dese gits just made da classic blunda: attackin' an Ork who 'adn't found 'em already! Now we'z can stomp dem fasta, haha!"
One Ork Warboss and his invasion fleet got sent back in time by a Warpstorm, arriving shortly before they'd left. The Warboss decided to kill his past self so he'd have two copies of his favorite gun. The resulting confusion stopped the invasion in its tracks.
/tg/ has applied Orky logic to matters of camouflage, concluding that purple is the sneakiest color. Because you've never seen a purple army, have you?
This can apply to the Players themselves. A swarm of infantry bodies in any other army would be a suicide tactic (or at least be a handicap in the case of the imperial guard). For the Orks, it's the only tactic! This actually works because the Orks roll so many dice, the sheer amount of actual hits are still enough to kill whatever they're targeting, despite the massive odds against them.
To be completely fair, the Orks aren't the only ones practicing this. The Imperium has some backing it as well. One example is in the AdeptusMechanicus. Every machine the Imperium uses is either very, very old or based on a very, very old design. The reason for this is that the Adeptus Mechanicus refuses to let anyone make any new designs or modifications of this technology. This is because they believe that in the pre-Imperium days, the Machine God bestowed upon humanity all these wonderful machines. To make any innovation or new design would be an affront to the Machine God, thus heresy, and the Imperium does not view heresy lightly. This also means that they consider blueprints religious texts, think the machines have spirits in them and repair and operate them with prayer and in general think magic is the reasoning behind everything and anything mechanical. What this means is that the Imperium's technology is run by and under the control of people who think you can fix a tank by praying to it hard enough, have no idea how any of their technology works and will have you executed for trying to figure it out.
That said, praying to it hard enough does tend to work when they do it — mostly because their "prayers" tend to involve lubricating the machines and other actual maintenance dressed up in the cloth of religious ritual.
And Depending on the Writer, it actually will work just by prayer. For example, there are multiple records of the Machine-Spirit of a vehicle avenging its own slaughtered crew (and it's unlikely to be simple Artificial Intelligence, since AI is highly illegal).
Theatre
This is the basis of how the Theatre of the Absurd works. Eugene Ionesco was particularly good at this.
In Anyone Can Whistle, the patients from a local insane asylum infiltrate a line of pilgrims waiting to see a "miracle" set up by the mayoress and her cronies. To keep from being exposed, they call on the asylum's doctor, who sends his recently arrived assistant, J. Bowden Hapgood. Hapgood promises to separate the sane from the insane using "the principles of logic," and has an entire 13-minute musical sequence that is full of this kind of "logic".
Any Dane or Norwegian who didn't sleep their way through school knows this classic example from Ludvig Holberg's 18th century comedy Erasmus Montanus: Erasmus, having returned to his home village after getting an education at the Copenhagen university, demonstrates the power of logical thinking to his mother by stating that since rocks can't fly and his mother can't fly, she must be a rock. The mother is so gullible that she begins to think she is a rock, but Erasmus "saves" her by pointing out that rocks can't talk, but she can, so she's not a rock after all.
In Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio orders his servants not to let his wife, Kate, eat or sleep. Kate begs their servant Grumio to give her food. Grumio pretends to use this so that he can follow Petruchio's orders.
First he offers to get Kate some calf's foot. When she agrees he rescinds the offer, saying that calf's foot would make her bad tempered.
Then he offers her tripe, but takes that offer back for the same reason.
The real kicker is the beef and mustard. When he offers this to Kate, she agrees. Then he says no, because the mustard is too hot. She says she'll have the beef without the mustard, then. He says no, the beef goes with the mustard. She says she's willing to eat one or the other or both or anything else. So Grumio comes up with the perfect solution: mustard without the beef!
In Caryl Churchill's version of A Dream Play, there is a scene with a teacher in school arguing logic with a student of his. The teacher is asked what time is, to which he replies that since time flies, logically, time is something that flies while he's speaking. One of the other schoolboys starts to fly, claiming that by that logic, he is time. The teacher agrees, confirming that he is in fact time. But the first student says that that's impossible, and because logic failed in that case, we can therefore logically prove that logic is wrong.
Touchstone, in As You Like It, explains that Corin's going to Hell because he never went to court:
Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest good manners; if thou never sawest good manners, then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous state, shepherd.
And while we're on the subject of fools in Shakespeare, Feste, the fool from Twelfth Night, is a master of this. For example, he attempts to prove that Olivia is a fool so that the people asked to "take away the fool" will remove her instead of him:
Feste: Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Olivia: Good fool, for my brother's death.
Feste: I think his soul is in Hell, madonna.
Olivia: I know his soul is in Heaven, fool.
Feste: The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
Point: Now observe. She said "Hands off!" Whose hands? Thine. Off whom? Off her. Why? Because she is a woman. Now, had she not been a woman, thine hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason for the laying on of hands is the reason for the taking off of hands, and herein is contradiction contradicted! It is the very marriage of pro with con; and no such lopsided union either, as times go, for pro is not more unlike con than man is unlike woman - yet men and women marry every day with none to say, "Oh, the pity of it!" but I and fools like me!
In The Mikado, Ko-Ko saves his life (plus the lives of Pooh-Bah and Pitti-Sing) when Nanki-Poo suddenly shows up, very much alive. This puts The Mikado in something of a quandry; Ko-Ko did not kill the heir apparent, but he is in dereliction of his duty. Ko-Ko solves the problem thusly:
Ko-Ko: When Your Majesty says "Let a thing be done", it’s as good as done, practically it is done, because Your Majesty’s will is law. Your Majesty says "Kill a gentleman", and the gentleman is to be killed, consequently that gentleman is as good as dead, practically he is dead, and if he is dead, why not say so?”
The Mikado: I see. Nothing could possibly be more... ha-ha-ha, satisfactory!
In Ruddigore, the entire plot is motivated by a curse that compels the current Bad Baronet of Ruddigore to commit a crime every day or die in agony. Robin (the current baronet) is about to be killed by the ghost of his ancestor, Sir Roderick, for failing to commit his daily crime, when he suggests to Roderick that failing to commit a crime is tantamount to suicide, and suicide is itself a crime. Not only does this satisfy Roderick, but causes him to come back to life (essentially making his undeath vanish in a Puff of Logic).
Angels In America has Roy Cohn explaining to his doctor at length how he is not homosexual, even though he does have sex with men, as homosexuality is really about lacking social, economical and political power.
"Roy Cohn is not a homosexual. Roy Cohn is an heterosexual man, Henry, who fucks around with guys."
Trouble with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'!
The Miser has The Matchmaker Frosine use it in hopes of convincing Harpagon that marrying Marianne will give him "a clear twelve thousand francs a year", by listing all the expensive things that Marianne does not indulge in and summing up their prices.
In Arsenic And Old Lace (including the film version) Mortimer Brewster pulls this when trying to get "Teddy Roosevelt" Brewster to sign the papers to admit him and his aunts to the crazy house.
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Brewster: Rooster!
Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Brewster: Crows.
Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy Brewster: On the veldt!
Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt!
Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
The confused police inspector then remarks "Do that again!"
An indoctrinated Hanar reasons that if his race worships the Protheans and the remaining Protheans were converted into the Reapers' slaves, the Hanar must worship the Reapers. Shepard might refer to this as "insane jellyfish" logic.
The game Metal Wolf Chaos features propaganda news reports that define a True American as "anyone who supports the idea of having the families and friends of terrorist sympathizers murdered in the streets" rather than "anyone who is a citizen or long-standing resident of America".
The Spathi from Star Control 2 use this to justify their fear of an "Ultimate Evil" that surely intends to destroy them. They have never found any evidence that such an evil exists, which means that it must be hiding just outside the range of their most powerful sensors, which is proof of its nefarious intent.
It should be noted that when they figure out how to open and close the slaver system-isolating forcefields the Spathi break their alliance and put a shield around their own planet to be safely shut off from the rest of the universe.
Early in Suikoden V there is a tournament to decide who will get to marry the Prince's sister. One group of people decide it's their patriotic duty to get a foreign competitor kicked out of the tournament. They do this by picking a fight with him so he will get disqualified when he kills them. When the Prince tries to stop them they figure that the real Prince would never try to stop such obviously patriotic people, therefore the Prince must be an impostor!
Jables: I had no idea there was a villain. Squiddy: I bet he's the one who kidnapped the princess. Jables: Let her go, King Squid! King Squid: I didn't kidnap any princess. Squiddy: Then where is she? King Squid: My plan doesn't involve the princess. Squiddy: Yet you kidnapped her anyway. Jables: That's evil. King Squid:...
In Persona 4, the true killer claims that he didn't kill the victims, he only threw them into the TV world, which then was responsible for their deaths. This despite it being pointed out that he knew what would happen to Saki Konishi after Mayumi Yamano died in the TV world. Also, noting that the world is influenced by people's thoughts, suggests that everyone outside, including the investigation team, is responsible, presumably saying this as a way of playing mind games with them.
In Final Fantasy XIII, the fal'Cie are Jerkass Gods (well not actual gods but close to it) who run on Blue and Orange Morality, but in practice their methods are this trope. Fal'cie brand humans with mystical markings, turning them into l'Cie, servants that are found to complete an objective, called a Focus. However, the Focus is usually only conveyed via vague visions and hallucinations, the fal'Cie sometimes state clearly what the Focus is but not always, leaving it to the l'Cie to guess what their Focus is. Completing the Focus comes with a time limit, fail and you turn into a zombie-like Cie'th. Succeed and your reward is immortality...as a crystal statue, until someday the fal'Cie has need of you again and revives you with a new Focus, with all the same restrictions as before. And if at any time a l'Cie is in doubt of completing their Focus or otherwise under emotional turmoil, Eidolons manifest from them as a "gift" from the fal'Cie...and promptly beat the crap out of them for not being strong enough to keep going, the logic being they have to prove their will to live to the Eidolon in order to tame it and bring it under their command.
The Corwids of Zeno Clash are all a bit nuts, but among the maddest was a Corwid who decided his dearest wish was to be invisible. His plan to achieve this was plucking out the eyes of every creature that could see him.
Dragon Age II - Sarcastic Hawke's logic definitely falls under this category sometimes.
Early on in Ghost Trick, Sissel discovers that the ghost of the recently deceased dog Missile has tagged along with him into the past to prevent his death. Missile doesn't bat an eye at such a feat, reasoning that if his master can walk on two feet and he can't, he shouldn't find it weird that Sissel can walk through time and he can't. The worst part? Sissel agrees with his line of reasoning.
Baldur's Gate II has some of this logic coming from an actual insanetroll. Here's the conversation if you try to keep a dialogue going as long as possible instead of attacking him right after he says:
Troll Cook: Hello there foodthing. You are just in time. Please just jump onto the grill over there. Protagonist: Pardon me? Troll Cook: The grill. That big metal thing. Jump on. Be careful, it's hot! Protagonist: You speak well for a troll. Troll Cook: My mother tried hard togive me good learning. She sent me to live with these hobgoblins here. They smart. Trained me how to cook real good. Protagonist: Do you like these orcs? Troll Cook: They smell bad, but they're okay. They can be mean sometimes. Chief DigDag sometimes cuts my fingers off and throws them onto the grill. Says they taste like sausages. Protagonist: Doesn't that hurt? Troll Cook: Yep. But I'm a troll. Fingers cut off. Fingers grow back. Now quit talking and start broiling! Chief DigDag doesn't like me talking to the food. Protagonist: I'm not letting you cook me, you crazy troll! Troll Cook: Uncle Cajum, he was crazy. Me, I'm not crazy. I'm a cook. Now get on the grill! Protagonist: Why would I want to be on the grill? Troll Cook: Geez. It's impossible to get good help nowadays. If you're not on the grill, how am I going to cook you? Protagonist: I don't want to be cooked. Troll Cook: If you didn't want to be cooked, then why did you apply for the job? I think you'll all make a tasty snack! Boys! Get 'em!
In Disgaea 4, Fuka gives some pretty interesting arguments on why she's not actually dead:
Fuka: Even if I were dead, I'd be sent to heaven, not hell or whatever you call this place. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. Why would a ninth grader die anyway? If this isn't heaven, then it can't be real. If this isn't real, it must be a dream. How's that!? It's a flawless theory!
Then again, it's a Disgaea game, which tends to be full of this.
In Awful Fantasy, an infamous 2002 romhack of Final Fantasy VI by Something Awful Goons, there is the following piece of Insane Troll Logic, which makes about as much sense as the rest of the hack: "Ice cream, eyebeams- cyclops. One. One means death! AL IS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE!"
World Of Warcraft has a rather jarring one. Garrosh Hellscream deliberately infests his men with the Sha in the belief that they'll somehow conquer the Sha and become stronger. When all of them succumb including his champion, he tells Anduin Wrynn (who had been trying to convince him what a bad idea it was) that he cost Garrosh a mighty warrior and almost kills him.
In Dwarf Fortress, it's possible for you to convict a crime victim of the very crime committed upon them- for example, convicting the dwarf who has had his blood drained of draining his own blood. Your dwarves will actually be 'outraged at the bizarre conviction against all reason of the victim of a crime recently.'
Many puzzles in McPixel require this to succeed. To put things in perspective, the first rule of playing this game is this: If the solution you have in mind makes sense, there's a 75% chance it's wrong. The remaining 25%? It works, but not in the way you were expecting it to. Although after a couple levels it's almost second nature.
In Hyperdimension Neptunia V, Noire gives us this hilarious reason as to why Plutia should transform into Iris Heart. Take note, this is how the dialogue was said.
Noire: (Noire Logic) Plutia HDD -> we win -> Planeptune citizens see Sadie -> freak -> Lastation wins!
Kid Icarus Uprising: Hades. And HOW! He manages to twist Pit Not wanting to get out of the Womb Level 'the old fashioned way' into meaning Pit hates life.
Hades: Unfortunately for you, there's only one way out!
Phoenix Wright is fond of objecting first and thinking later and of grasping at straws and coming up with imaginative guesses, but he's usually too honest and reasonable to use actual troll logic. However, in one situation where he's desperate to keep the trial going as long as possible until the police complete the next phase of their investigation, we get this exchange:
Witness: He looked suspicious because he was walking through the hall in the hotel wearing black leather gloves. Phoenix: Footballs are made of leather! Are you saying that all footballs are suspicious just because they're made out of leather?!
Von Karma has a similar line of logic in the first game:
Phoenix: He remembered the name of his fiance who commited suicide. That's why he named his parrot after her! Von Karma: My granddaughter has a dog she calls "Phoenix." Well, Mr. Phoenix Wright? Does this make you my granddaughter's fiancee!?
Another example from the third game involves a massive stone lantern with upside-down bloody writing on it. Gumshoe voices the results of his special Gumshoe investigation: 'At the time of the murder, the stone lantern... WAS UPSIDE DOWN!!!!!!' Gumshoe does this a lot. Edgeworth has simply given up on understanding him.
In Umineko No Naku Koro Ni this is essentially what the entire premise boils down to, especially early on. So you don't like how the plot is unfolding? Call out the resident magical troll and challenge her to a metaphysical game of bizarro logic chess where victory over her somehow means proving she doesn't exist. In-game examples would include attempts to use anything, no matter how ridiculous, as a viable theory (as long as magic isn't involved of course); from "spike-launching devices" to "small bombs".
Webcomics
All of Red Mage's plans in 8-Bit Theater run on this very logic. When stranded on an island, Thief quite accurately states that Red Mage's plan to get off the island would likely involve blowing up the island with them on it with the justification that they're no longer on the island anymore. While Red Mage's actual plan was much less dangerous, it did involve massive amounts of Evilutionary Biology for the Chocobos and a willingness to exploit his Mime ability beyond its actual usefulness.
Just about everyone in 8-Bit Theater is either a liar, a cheat, or utterly stupid, if not all three, so conversations tend toward this. For example; In this comic, Red Mage explains how his plan to shoot down a visible sky castle, then repair it, in order to fly high enough to find the invisible sky castle "makes too little sense to fail."
Black Mage: Okay Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a plan that makes no sense work? Red Mage: One simple reason: It makes too little sense to fail. BM:What. RM: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any step will have no effect on the macro level. BM: That's so stupid I can't even see straight anymore. RM: Now imagine what'll happen when physics tries to figure it out!
The Empress of Blood knows that dragons get more powerful as they get bigger. However, she decided to make herself bigger by overeating. All this does is make her morbidly obese, but she still thinks it's working
Elan learned that Armor counts against Hide checks. This led him to the conclusion that going naked would make him invisible. Hilarity ensued
This is also his reaction when Haley reverses the definitions of adventure and adventurer to make him feel better. Even Miko is weirded out by his brand of Insane Troll Logic.
Shortpacked! shows us REALLY insane troll logic here. This is based on an actual troll on his blog (link)
Reginald from Nedroid has workout advice. Given that it's better to do fewer reps with more weight, is to take it to its logical conclusion and do zero reps of a million pounds.
Featured in "troll physics," a form of 4chan's /v/ board's MS Paint comics.
The reasoning behind Nathan's actions in Ménage à 3 as explained by himself:
His explanation about how he's not gay or bisexual, despite starting each day out by having anal sex with one of his male subordinates.
His excuse for cheating on both Dillon and Amber Amber and his wife all at the same time.
Utilized in this and many other Ctrl+Alt+Del comics, typically involving Ethan or (on a far weirder scale) Chef Brian ("I are pant").
In El Goonish Shive, most of the characters seem to think that Tedd's explanation of the reason he maintains long hair is Insane Troll Logic. Oddly, it actually makes perfect sense. You see, Tedd looks very androgynous and would quite like to look more manly. But he keeps long hair anyway. If he cut his hair, he would look very slightly more manly but it would be obvious that the thing that makes him look so feminine is his actual face itself. If he keeps his hair in a really girly long hairstyle, then everyone at school with him assumes that he would look manly if not for his hair.
In Tales Of Zenith, Tam O'Shanter says that it's JFK's fault the Oklahoma City Courthouse was bombed. "JFK appointed his brother Attorney General. This got Congress so mad they passed a law that the president can't appoint any relatives to a cabinet position. This meant that Bill Clinton couldn't appoint his wife Attorney General, so when Waco happened, instead of Hillary talking it out with David Koresh, Janet Reno allowed the FBI to use tanks and tear gas, and people couldn't get out and died. As a result, Timothy Mc Veigh saw what happened and decided to blow up the Oklahoma City Courthouse. That's why it's JFK's fault, if he hadn't appointed his brother Attorney General, Hillary would have been able to be appointed, and she's too politically savvy to have made the mistake Janet Reno did."
Real Life Comics depicts an instance that actually happened to creator Greg Dean in real life: He tried to order a Pepsi in a Dave and Buster's, but was refused because he wasn't of age to drink alcohol yet (despite his repeated protestations that Pepsi isn't alcoholic). This gets a Call Back when Greg finally does hit the legal drinking age - the first thing he does is go back to D&B's and say "I want a freaking Pepsi."
While the Trolls in Homestuck tend to have a fair level of logic, it's twisted and corrupted by a combination of TWO multiverses gone mad from the alchemy system (capatchalouge and fetch modii, build grist and alchemizers, strife specibus and absconding, does the incomprehensibility of these words paint a good picture?), and the resulting culture that resembles a civilization of mini-cthulhus. It's implied that one of the Troll-Dominant universes was utterly sane, but when the trolls there failed to achieve their purpose, they intentionally "scratched" the fabric of the universe in order to succeed the next iteration, which backfired courtesy of a backstabbing Doctor Cue.
In one of the later chapters, Terezi attempts her hand at insane troll logic when she finds the corpses of her recently murdered friends. According to Terezi, there is no way that it could be anyone but Vriska. To rule out any discrepancies in her logic, she fabricates her own story in which Vriska murdered several trolls, then developed a taste for troll blood (which would explain the vampiric markings on the side of Feferi's neck). She gives up on trying to explain it, acknowledging that her explanation is stupid and unlikely. However, this doesn't change her mind at all about the culprit, logic be damned.
Conservapedia runs on this trope. They believe for instance that facebook is a dirty liberal website and therefore The Social Network was a liberal film and the fact that it lost to the conservative film, The King's Speech was a good thing but also a bad thing because it meant that Sarah Palin couldn't become President because she is an avid facebook user despite the fact that she is a Republican and according to them facebook is liberal. Furthermore, The King's Speech was a conservative film because of its traditional family values despite the fact that it is set in Britain which Conservapedia considers to be the seat of atheism, liberalism and bad maths skills even though its head of State is the Queen who is also head of the Anglican Church thereby making Great Britain a Christian nation and is also run by a Conservative Party. You try working it out. As further explained on the Poe's Law page, Conservapedia is so overrun with actual trolls that it's kind of doubtful any actual conservatives still edit it.
Nagato uses this fairly often in An Akatsukis Life, to great success:
During the Hangover arc, a talking cat explained to the Akatsuki that for understanding the events of the previous night, they had to follow the piglet's tail. Nagato's deciphering is as follows:
Nagato: Well, in some language "tail" means "cola", and a piglet is often called "coca". So the answer is "Follow the Coca-cola"
Spoiler Alert: Dio's stand, The World (known better as ZA WARUDO!), stops time. It doesn't breathe fire.
Played for laughs by LoadingReadyRun with Detective Riley, a recurring character who takes one look at a crime scene and uses free-associational logic to determine the culprit. Slight subversion in that he's always right - the police have already reached the same conclusion through completely rational means.
Detective Riley: What have we here?
Officer Rodriguez: A drug deal gone bad. Real bad.
Riley: Well, the way I see it is this: the last ship that came into port here was the "Queen of Seville." Saint Isidore of Seville, patron saint of the internet, born in 560 AD - the same year Ethelbert succeeded his father Iormic as King of Kent. Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter, patrols Metropolis as Superman, also known by his Kryptonian name Kal-el. The L Word, popular TV show about lesbians, and who doesn't like lesbians? I'll tell you who - your murderer, Jeff Greenwood, known to the police as Jeffy G.
Rodriguez: That was fascinating, but... we kinda already knew that. Jeffy G admitted the whole thing on his You Tube channel this morning.
This seems to be standard detective training in the Victoria PD, as Rodriguez starts doing this too after being promoted.
The train of logic used in the College Humor parody video "Deceptive Deceptions". The fictional narrator "uncovers" an Ancient Conspiracy by tying together about two-and-a-half dozen people, companies, and organizations by truly nonsensical connections and flimsy associations. Case in point: John Candy.
College Humor also has an "Extreme Anti-Smoking Ad" which basically says that smoking will eventually turn you into a Terminator.
asdf.com:
""asdf" converted into Morse code is .- ... -.. ..-. If you take the .'s and convert them to 0's and take the -'s and convert them to 1's, you get the binary number of 010001000010, which is 1090 in decimal. The year 1090 just happens to be 2 years after Christodoulos of Patmos, supported by Emperor Alexius I Komnenos, founded the monastery of Saint John the Theologian on Patmos. Only * 4* years after the year 1090 AD... The First Crusade (1095-99) captured Jerusalem; and the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem begins. Now because the Crusade on Jerusalem happened only a short time after the crucial year 1090, we can convert the letters ASDF into the ancient Hebrew alphabet, and we get Aleph Vov Daled Samech (because of the differences in alphabets, these might not be accurate translations). We take the letters, and convert them into one word. Alephvovdaledsamech — which converted phonetically sounds like "A lef volv da leads a mech". We can then read these sounds into words, and we get "A left Volvo does leads a mech." Going further, we get "A left Volvo does lead the mechanics", or "A left Volvo does lead the mechanical industry". We can then read into it, that a "left Volvo", obviously a car made in a country where you drive on the left side of the road, will one day lead the mechanical, or automobile industry. Ford Motors Inc. must have found out about this information before I could disclose it to you — for they just bought Volvo. Ford is obviously trying to change this age-old Hebrew prophecy, and claim the automobile industry for themselves! You must rally the people! To the top of Mount Sinai! We shall stop them yet! ARMAGEDDON HAS BEGUN!!!!!
From a truly epic post on one of GameFAQs's social boards, apparently talking about the origins of Winnie the Pooh:
Pooh backwards is Hoop. Like hula hoops, right?... Hula was invented in Hawaii. Hawaii was once part of an Asian country. Japan is in Asia... Japan was nuked... Microwaves also nuke... Microwave... Micro! Micro means very small, like the chances I have of getting a date. Date... A calendar often tells dates. Calendars also often have pictures. Mostly pictures of puppies. Puppies grow up to be dogs. Like hot dogs! The best hot dogs are found in New York. New York has the Yankees. The Yankees fought the Confederates.The Dukes of Hazard had a Confederate flag on their car. Hazard... the word has a Z. Z's normally signify sleeping. Sleeping leads to dreams. In some dreams you're flying... flying like a plane. The Wright Brothers flew the first plane. And they were brothers. Like the show Band Of Brothers. That series was about a war. And about WWII! WWII had Nazis. And Hitler. Hitler spelled backwards is Reltih, which makes no sense. Sense, like SPIDER SENSE. Spider-Man used spider sense to fight the Green Goblin. Green, green was the color used by Sailor Jupiter in that one cartoon. Jupiter... Jupiter has moons! Like Callisto. Callisto was also a gun in the game Perfect Dark. Dark... Moon... Jupiter? Winnie the Pooh is from the dark side of Jupiter's moon, Callisto!
The best part may be how he gets this close to making a reasoning using World War II, evades it to go on a different tangent, and then goes back to WWII later on.
Grif:[after what appears to have been a completely ordinary radio conversation] Simmons sounded good. I guess he's got everything under control. Sarge: Donut and Lopez are dead and Agent Washington has taken Simmons prisoner. Grif: What?! Everything sounded fine to me! Sarge: Think about it! How do you answer the radio at our base? Grif: Thank you for calling Red Base, this is Private Grif, how may I assist you today. Sarge: And we've drilled that since day one! Simmons answered "Hi." That was my first clue. Grif: So maybe he's just ups- Sarge: He also said that the radio was in disrepair. When does Lopez ever let something go without the proper maintenance? Grif: Never! Sarge: And look at the time. Grif: Can't, clock's broken. Sarge: It's 17:30! And everybody knows that 17:30 is... Grif: Donut's daily wine and cheese hour! Sarge: I didn't hear any tinkling glasses, did you? Grif: You're right! Sarge: He also mentioned that the weather was "rainier", and as we all know, Mt. Rainier is the biggest land mass in the state of... Washington! Grif: We do? Uh, I mean, we do! Sarge: How many Washingtons do we know? Grif: Did he mean Agent Washington? Sarge: And who's the biggest mess we know associated with Washington? Grif: The Meta! Sarge: So the Meta and Washington have teamed up to kill Donut and Lopez and now they're holding Simmons and Doc prisoner. Grif: We have to help them! Wait, Doc? How do you know he's there? Sarge: Please, Grif, it's so obvious! I don't want to insult your intelligence by explaining every little detail.
Most humorously of all, Simmons was not actually trying to send a coded message, yet Sarge was completely correct!
Most of that conversation is superfluous context. The ITL is the part where Sarge told Grif he didn't want to insult his intelligence.
Caboose does this frequently.
Caboose: Time... line? Time is not made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!
Wash gets a moment of his own in episode 5 of season 10 when he a.nd York first meet North's AI, Theta, and concludes that it's weird for Theta to be small, yet somehow it's perfectly normal for York's AI Delta to be small... because Delta is green. In the words of York:
York: How does that even make sense?
None Piece: Zoro in Episode 4 while ranting with Buggy DEFINITELY counts.
*After Buggy has stabbed Zoro in the back* Zoro: "DAMMIT! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!" Buggy: "..." Zoro: "FUCK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! GOD!" Buggy: "...You cut me into pieces." Zoro: "I WAS FUCKING KIDDING! ...FUCK YOU! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!"
The Nostalgia Critic uses this when he gets a friendly message from The Angry Video Game Nerd to find a hidden code. After ridiculous leaps of logic and cryptography that would make a Dan Brown protagonist proud, he concludes that it's absolutely nothing. Until viewed in a mirror, that is...
Done to hilarious effect in Kickassia when the Nostalgia Critic is rallying the others to invade Molassia. He convinces his friends that they want to be like the Nazis right after condemning them for being like the Nazis.
Later, Sage uses another variant of this when he comes to the conclusion that holding an Uzi makes you immortal, the reasoning being he's holding one right now and he's still alive. He also claimed smoking was not only healthy for you, but was highly recommended for pregnant women. Though that time he was just holding the chart upside down.
1. van Gogh, as we discover in 'Vincent and the Doctor', is mad. The Master is also mad. 2. van Gogh was deeply unpopular with the local rubes. The Master was terribly charismatic and brilliant at manipulating local rubes to his advantage (cf. 'The Daemons'). If the Master were trying to hide his true nature, what better way than to appear deeply unpopular with the locals? 3. van Gogh could see the Krafayis when nobody else could see it. This is probably a Time Lord ability to see things nobody else can see. 4. Alternatively, a bio-upgrade of some sort given to him offscreen during 'The Mark of the Rani'. 5. No one can agree on the correct pronunciation of 'van Gogh'. Got to be an allusion to the many different names the Master has used throughout his career. 6. I seem to recall in one serial during the seventies the Master expressed an interest in painting. 7. The name 'Vincent van Gogh' is an anagram of 'Vincent van Gogh', the alias used by the Master in this story. 8. Tony Curran. Anthony Tony Ainley. Do I have to spell this out, people? 9. Being a man, he's definitely not Susan, Romana, the Rani or Rose, the only other possible candidates for a character in a Doctor Who story. Although there is a slim chance he is secretly the eighth Doctor, played by Paul McGann. 10. In one of the deleted scenes for this episode, van Gogh laughs maniacally and screams, 'I am the Master', before turning into the Master. I believe the evidence is clear.
Gaming news site Rock Paper Shotgun presents the facts about harmful gaming.
Nearly twice as many Americans own gun-displaying consoles than those who own the types of guns that require a license and paperwork to purchase. No such paperwork is necessary when buying an Xbox, and yet still teenagers will kill each other in the streets.
TOM HANKS looks up ILLUMINATI in the encyclopedia in the VATICAN'S SUPER SECRET LIBRARY. TOM HANKS: Hmm, the word Illuminati first appears on page three of this book. Three… the third ninja turtle mentioned in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song is Raphael… the first cardinal must be in Raphael's tomb! TOM HANKS: Let’s see here… we’re in a tomb. Tomb… like Tombstone pizza, which is circular. Circular is the opposite of square.. of course! To Saint Peter’s Square! TOM HANKS: Condoms… condoms are sometimes called johnnies… John James was the architect that rebuilt St. Mary’s Church… of course, the third cardinal is in a church! AYELET ZURER: WHY THE HELL IS THIS WORKING!? AYELET ZURER: Wait let me try one. Okay, so this guy was chained up… chains are often used for construction work… the fourth cardinal is at a construction site! TOM HANKS: What? Don’t be stupid. The fourth element is water, so he’s in a fountain.
An intentional invocation of this is a new meme out there: Troll Physics/Troll Science. This consists of utilizing Insane Troll Logic for hilarious effects with science. The page there shows a lot of examples regarding Troll Science.
A poster on Yahoo! Answers' infamous Religion & Spirituality forum once used the following argument to "prove" said forum was Satan
"Devil" spelled backwards is "lived". Does this mean Satan is now dead?
Also, "devil" pronounced backwards is "livid". He must be pissed about being dead.
And if you take "livid", drop the first and last letters, and convert what remains into a single symbol, you get M, who is James Bond's boss. As we know, the James Bond series was written by Ian Fleming, who is not to be confused with fellow writer Anne Fleming, who comes from Canada, which is also the name of an indie-folk-rock band, "band" being a word meaning "a belt, strap, or ring". And if you've won a belt in the ring, you're probably a wrestler, which is derived from a much more real sport that was very popular in ancient Greece, which sounds like "grease" which is a substance found in many fatty foods including chips, which are a key component in the manufacture of computers, the invention of which is attributed to Alan Turing (1912-1954). 1954 is when the first nuclear powered submarine was launched. It was called the Nautilus, named after the submarine driven my Captain Nemo, who was once played by James Mason. "Mason" is used as shorthand for "Freemason", which uses a draftsman's compass in their logo. Compass also refers to a navigational instrument which uses the earth's magnetic fields to point North, which is the opposite of South, which is where fried chicken comes from, "chicken" being slang for a kilogram of cocaine, which used to be used in the manufacture of Coca-Cola, makers of Sprite, a type of mythical water spirit, "spirit" being the root of the word "spirituality" as in "Religion & Spirituality", therefore R&S is Satan!
In Wolfram Alpha it is explained why fire engines are red:
Because they have eight wheels and four people in them, and eight plus four make twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and ships sail seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red. That is why the fire engines are red.
Code MENT, like most Abridged Series, lives on this.
C.C.: You're a whole new level of stupid.
Lelouch: Ah, but who is more stupid? A person trying to kill themselves, or a person trying to kill a person trying to kill themselves?!
Rarity is making dresses for her friends, and asks Rainbow Dash what she wants her dress to look like:
Rainbow: I wanna look like my parents. Rarity: Well, what do they look like? Rainbow: I dunno? I was dead before they were born. Rarity: Wait. You were dead before they were born? Rainbow: Obviously, if they haven't been born yet, then I must still be dead? Duh. Rarity: That's a... interesting ideology. Rainbow: Ideology? I'm not Buddhist.
As Fluttershy is modeling one of Rarity's dresses:
Rarity: I own those clothes. You are wearing my clothes. According to proper logic, I own you, so no running away or anything.
Western Animation
In The Simpsons episode "The Monkey Suit", creationists seeking to ban the teaching of evolution succeed by getting a scientist to testify in court that evolution is a myth — a scientist with a degree in "Truthology" from "Christian Tech".
It's a shot at "doctors" like Kent Hovind and Carl Baugh. Both of which got their doctorate degrees the old fashioned way, by buying them.
In an earlier episode, "Much Apu About Nothing", an isolated incident involving a bear wandering into Springfield is responded to by the creation of a multi-million dollar "Bear Patrol". When Homer states that the organization is stopping bears from coming into town, Lisa compares his logic to claiming that the ordinary rock she's holding is a potent tiger repellent, since there aren't any tigers around. Homer, naturally, offers to buy the rock.
Another funny example is in Bart The Murderer, where Fat Tony "explains" to Bart how hijacking a truckload of cigarettes isn't wrong.
Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Bart: No. Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? Bart: Uh uh. Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? Bart: I guess that's okay. Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? Bart: Hell, no.
"If God wanted us to be vegetarians, He wouldn't have made animals out of meat!"
Yet another example comes from "The Great Money Caper". When Homer abandons Bart at the marina after an unfruitful attempt at street magic performance, passersby take pity on him and fill his magic hat with cash. Bart arrives back home later to an amazed Homer, who wonders if Bart could try it again:
Homer: We could make a fortune! Bart: But wouldn't that make us con artists? Homer: Well, yeah, but... God conned me out of sixty-five hundred bucks in car repairs. Bart: So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe. Homer: There you go! We'd be stealing from people we know! It's just like the seasons!
"But, Lisa, if we start conserving, the enviromentalists win!"
During a snow storm, Homer mocks Lisa's belief in global warming, and she says global warming can have this result. Whether you agree or not, Homer invokes the trope in response.
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
"No one who speaks German could be an evil man."
In an episode where Homer buys bacon to get its grease to sell:
Bart: You're spending more money on bacon than you're getting for the grease.
Homer: Yeah, but your mother pays for the bacon.
Bart: Doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer: And I get my money from grease. What's the problem?
In the episode where the family are hired to watch Mr Burns' house whilst he's away, Burns' rationale for choosing Homer for the job:
Burns: Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir? [He indicates a CCTV screen which shows Homer enter his workstation and begin sawing through the console for no apparent reason]
Burns: Yes. The way I see it, he's due for a good performance!
In "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce" Cartman uses this to blame Kyle for 9/11: 11 has two 1's, 1 + 1 = 2, if you add 9 and 2, you get 92 which is how much Kyle got on a spelling test shortly after 9/11. Therefore, Kyle planned 9/11.note It's even more hilarious when you consider that Kyle would have been 4 years old when it happened.
Most likely intended to parody the movie The Number 23. The entire movie is composed of such calculations.
In "Dances With Smurfs" Cartman uses Glenn Beck's method of choosing a bunch of keywords, taking the first letter of each and using them to spell something out. Keywords he associates with Wendy are Integrated, Leftist, Liberal, Socialist, Modern, Utopian, Reformed, Farce and School. Therefore, Wendy Testaburger wants to KILL SMURFS.
Which is extremely ironic once you remember that "SMURF" itself has been proposed to be an acronym for Soviet Men Under Red Father. So, in short, Wendy's a leftist for wanting to kill Communists!
In the episode "Cancelled", there is a scientist who correctly determines what he should do in a given situation using association gone so far it delves straight into Insane Troll Logic. This is presumably inspired by heavily exaggerating the Eureka Moment Jeff Goldblum's character has in Independence Day and running with it.
In order to convince Butters to run away to Somalia with him to become pirates Cartman reminded him how horrible his life in South Park was, namely how he was harassed and ridiculed in school daily...mostly by Cartman.
The episode A History Channel Thanksgiving parodies the IST of the aforementioned Ancient Aliens.
Cartman relies on driking Mountain Dew in order to stay awake and not die of boredom during the Season 16 episode "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining". This combined with his usual diet causes all kinds of bowel mishaps. When he resorts to drinking "Double Dew", a drink with twice the caffeine and sugar as regular Mountain Dew, Kyle points out the aforementioned harmful effects. Cartman points out that what he's drinking is actually Diet Double Dew, with only half the caffeine and sugar as regular Double Dew. Which, if you "dew the math", means he's drinking regular Mountain Dew.
In Mickeys Christmas Carol, Scrooge (McDuck) uses this to get out of giving money to the poor.
Scrooge: Well, you realize if you give money to the poor, they won't be poor anymore, will they? First Collector: Well, I— Scrooge: And if they're not poor anymore, then you won't have to raise money for them anymore. Second Collector: Well, I suppose— Scrooge: And if you don't have to raise money for them anymore, then you'd be out of a job. Oh please, gentlemen, don't ask me to put you out of a job. Not on Christmas Eve.
Master Shake uses this quite often on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. One notable example is when he decided that the bus outside of the Aqua Teens' house was possessed by the ghost of Dracula. When Frylock disputes this by pointing out that it's 2:00 in the afternoon, Shake then claims that the bus is a "reverse vampire."
Frylock (using his scanning device): The call is coming from inside that school bus!
Shake: Inside the bus? It is the bus! The bus of the undead! Vampires!
Frylock: I'm not detecting any vampiritic activity. Besides, it's 2 o' clock in the afternoon.
Shake: It's... it's a reverse vampire! They crave the sun! Love it. They love to get tans.
Other characters also rely on Insane Troll Logic, including Carl, Meatwad, the Mooninites, the Plutonians - even the Cybernetic Ghost ofChristmas Past From the Future. Basically, all of the main and recurring characters except for Frylock(and even he's not completely immune).
MC Pee Pants also deserves a special mention. In his first appearance as a giant spider wearing a diaper, he creates a rap CD that induces an intense desire in the listener to eat candy. After giving the listeners directions in the rap to an abandoned warehouse where they can supposedly get said candy, he lies in wait and then straps them into chairs in order to use their brain energy to power a giant drill. This is so that he can drill down into Hell and release demons to start a pyramid scheme involving diet pills. His subsequent plans in later episodes are just as insane...
His scheme to make a rap CD and then release it exclusively in Transylvania (Meatwad had to import a copy) so that a vampire fan would come to bite him and make him a vampire actually worked.But then he stepped out in the sunlight.
Nathan: Bleach is mostly water. We're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Avatar The Last Airbender: The villagers who tried Aang for his past life Kyoshi's involvement in the death of their great leadernote who it was revealed was a bullying warlord who tried to push Avatar Kyoshi around and died because he was too stupid to back down. used logic that failed so badly and was basically just, "We feel this way, so there." that the only way the episode could end was by them just getting over it (of course she actually was guilty, but that's neither here nor there).
Sentencing was the job of a game of "Wheel of Fortune". At the end of the episode, there's a new festival, where they eat little Aangs made of raw dough to symbolize how they commuted sentencing (boiled in hot oil, in this case) in favor of convincing the Avatar to save their sorry skins.
In an episode of Family Guy, Peter proves that (in his words) "cripples aren't cool". His favorite actor, Mark Harmon, doesn't need a wheelchair. Mark Harmon is cool. Therefore people who need wheelchairs aren't cool and shouldn't be allowed in his restaurant.
Lois explaining to Chris in "Excellence in Broadcasting" that everything Fox News reports on is a lie. Even if it's true, it instantly becomes a lie if Fox News mentions it. Note that this is used to explain away the earlier revelation that Rush Limbaugh and Fred Savage were the same person, something Lois herself discovered and reported on for Fox.
Peter tries making his own Red Bull, and uses mostly kerosene, reasoning that Red Bull and kerosene are both fuel, so kerosene equals Red Bull. When Brian points out the sheer insanity of this and the fact that the drink will probably kill Peter, Peter responds with "Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger".
Lois, in a fit of rage, exclaims, "Sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child!". Peter replies that if she's married to a child, then she's a pedophile, and that he'll be damned if he'll stand there and be lectured by a pervert.
When Brian is fighting for custody of (what he thinks are) his puppies:
Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher? Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh- Lawyer: Thank you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something? Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh- Lawyer: Thank you.
"Who cares what you think, you're a dog. You can't see colors, which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie."
A Running Gag in the series combines this with Paper-Thin Disguise in that a character (Peter and Mort) pretends to be something they're not (Peter pretending to be a cowboy astronaut to impress his high school classmates at a reunion, and Mort disguising himself as a Catholic Priest to get through Nazi Germany unhindered), and the disguise is blown all because some normally easily-removed article of clothing is...well, easily removed. (Peter's cowboy hat, and Mort's priest collar)
In the aforementioned 'Road' Time Travel episode, Mort is exposed when a real priest walks up, and the Gestapo officer looks confused and says "What? TWO Priests?!" - as if there can't possibly be more than one priest in any one spot.
In "PTV", the FCC has a meeting over an incident where someone's genitals were exposed on live TV. One of the men in the meeting says they received twenty calls complaining about the event and goes on to say that one person equals a billion people. Therefore, twenty callers equals twenty billion people.
As with the Batman examples above, the Superfriends' dealings with the Riddler when he joined the Legion of Doom involved this trope. In any of these situations, it's difficult to be sure which is worse: that the Riddler could come up with this nonsense or that the Super Friends could figure it out?
In another example, two of the Super Friends go back in time and get stuck there with no way to return. Aquaman, the genius that he is, walks to the exact location of where the Hall of Justice will be tens of thousands of years in the future. When he gets there, he takes out his communicator and turns on the homing beacon, then buries the communicator. Why? The communicator will appear in the future. Superman will be able to hear it and will know what it means, then go back in time to rescue them. Which would work if carbon dating had been invented and if the communicator (already shown to be nigh indestructible) had enough carbon to be dated successfully and enough battery to last all that time. When digging the foundation for the Hall of Justice, it would be found. A few time-hops (a few dozen probably to get the date right), and then young Supes would come up, ask when in time they wanted to go, and viola. It's bad when you can make these things work easily.
In an episode of The Fairly Odd Parents, Crocker thinks that Timmy loaned his fairy godparents to Tootie. He's right, but he's suspicious not because the entire town of Dimmsdale is celebrating her birthday, but because her cake has real buttercream icing.
Come to think of it, the same could be said for a lot of situations that make Crocker think Timmy has fairies.
Crocker once had an argument with Steven Hawking about basic addition, which ended up with Hawking proving that 2+2=5. From the end of the episode: "Hawking! I've done the math! Two plus two isnt five! It's SIX!!! SIIIIIX!!!"
In a classic Looney Tunes cartoon, Roughly Squeaking, mice Hubie and Bertie convince Claude the cat that he's actually a lion (and that the bulldog outside is a pelican). Hubie's logic; "A lion is a member of the cat family, so that means that a cat is a member of the lion family!"
After being pelted by a snowball, the Villain of the Week ask Bugs Bunny how he can make snowballs in the summer, Bugs responds with, "It's too cold to make them in the winter".
Malory from Archer degenerates into this sometimes. For example:
Archer: That wasn't her fault! Who puts Oxycontin in a Xanax bottle? Malory: People with servants! Idiot. Archer: But if they're stealing pills, how does it help to switch the labels? Malory: Because they can't read English!
Or this gem in "Diversity Hire:"
Malory: Lana Kane, just because you're not the only black field agent... Lana: Hey! That's not... Malory: "Urban," whatever. You come in here and accuse Conway of...what, exactly? Lana: OK, I can't prove anything right now, but that's Malory: ...but that didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from prosecuting Martin Luther King, now did it? Lana: What does that have to do with...wait, "J. Edna?" Malory: You never heard? That J. Edgar Hoover was this huge crossdressing chicken-hawk? Lana: I had not. Malory: Well, that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about THAT while you're on suspension! Lana: While I'm on what? Malory: What, are you deaf and racist? Lana: I'm black! Malory: Oh, put it back in the deck.
An episode of Johnny Bravo parodied the Batman-style logic with an Adam Westing Adam West, helping Johnny look for his missing mother.
Adam West:(reading fortune cookie) "Your heart's afire"...hmm, that rhymes with "tarts on a wire", which in turn sounds like "carts for hire"...Billy, your Momma's at the golf course!
What's the World's Oldest Woman's reasoning that the egg came before the chicken? Because you have eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch, naturally.
Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this cap? Fry: I can explain that. You see, it used to be milk, and well... time makes fools of us all.
And then there's this little saying:
Fry: Thanks to denial, I’m immortal.
Farnsworth has a nefarious habit of this as well. Given that he's Fry's descended newphew, it makes sense. To him, having his crew being sent on tedious and life-threatening suicide missions is "good news (everyone!)". When they are finally given a break at the beginning of "The Sting" by not having to go on the very mission that killed the previous Planet Express crew, Farnsworth tells them "Bad news, everyone! You're not good enough to go on our next mission!"
Waterfalls Sr.: Now, now, no applause. Every time you clap your hands, you kill thousands of spores, which will someday form into nutritious fungus. Just show your appreciation with a mild, friendly thumbs-up.
(Members of Penguins, Unlimited do so with awkward grins)
Waterfalls, Sr.: Please hold your thumbs to the end.
This happens in the episode "Go Fish" from The Penguins Of Madagascar. It all starts out fairly normally (considering the source) with King Julien and and Skipper claiming that they somehow managed to out-think the other, when Skipper has this gem: "But what you forgot to take into account is that I am actually you!" and he pulls off a penguin costume to reveal that he is a lemur. Julien counters with "In that case, by process of elimination, I must be you." The other characters are appropriately baffled by the exchange.
In Beast Machines, this is the basis of Obsidian and Strika's My Master / Country Right Or Wrong attitude. Their loyalty is to Cybertron first and foremost, and according to them, whoever is ruling Cybertron is Cybertron, so they'll follow that person without question. Their fellow Vehicon Thrust eventually calls them on this (paraphrased):
"If you're loyal to anyone, doesn't that mean you're loyal to no one?"
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: In "MMMystery on the Friendship Express", Pinkie Pie makes wild assumptions that the other three bakers were responsible for eating her cake, skipping the part where you give reasons to your conclusions entirely. Twilight quickly points out that each of her claims were ridiculous.
In "Applebuck Season", a sleep-deprived Applejack uses this to justify all the ways she mishears Pinkie Pie's list of ingredients for the muffins they're making.
Pinkie Pie: A cup of flour... Applejack: "A cup o' sour?" Well, lemons are sure sour...
Rainbow Dash has had this when she occasions. First when Rarity asked her how she wanted her to make it twenty percent cooler. Another instance we have her wanting to choose a pet, and she lists "Coolness, Awesomeness, and Radicalness" as three different categories, and of course she never explains the difference.
Twilight Sparkle, while normally logical and calculating, has fallen to this a few times, most notably when she's trying to impress Princess Celestia. In "Lesson Zero," Twilight is about to miss sending the princess her weekly letter. Twilight responds that if she misses one assignment, the princess will think Twilight is not taking her studies seriously, and give her a test. If Twilight fails the test, she'll be sent back a grade. But because of how much she failed, she'll be sent to magic kindergarten. Therefore, missing any assignment will cause Twilight to go back to kindergarten.
Stroker And Hoop played with this a lot, but most memorably with a cult of cannibals who's philosophy is "You are what you eat".
Cultists: Eat a person, be a person... Stroker: So wait, your philosophy is you are what you eat, right? Cult Leader: Yes. Stroker: So, if I eat a hamburger, then I'm a hamburger, right? Cult Leader: Yes. Stroker: And then...if you eat me, you're hamburgers too, right? Cult Leader: ...
In "The Picnic" Gumball reasons that, because everything (including food) is made up "circles with circles around them" (atoms), a rock is the same as a chicken nugget.
In "The Meddler" Gumball reasons that by joining the cheerleading squad, he'll impress Penny with his masculinity and outperform her in the competition to make her love him.
The donut officer looks at something disturbing or a suspected crime scene, then at something else that looks dangerous, then at the only person conscious and treats them with unreasonable hostility. Despite having no knowledge of anything or no evidence.
In "The Spoon" he looks at a knocked out Darwin and Gumball, then Nicole, then a sausage and assumes she hurt them.
In "The Sock" he looks at Gumball and Darwin, then the filing cabinet, then a phone, and assumes they're responsible.
In "The Spoon", Richard has to get a gift for Nicole's birthday, but can't because he has to watch the kids. So he decides to send his two sons Gumball and Darwin to get it since, as kids, they don't have to watch the kids. Anais responds by facepalming.
In one episode of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Mr. Herriman is sending any friend he comes across to their rooms without supper in order to hide that he's relapsed on his carrot addiction. Wilt warns Eduardo to stay out of his way, and Eduardo deduces that he can't avoid Mr. Herriman unless he knows where he is. Fair enough, but then he reaches the conclusion that the only way to avoid Herriman is to follow him around.
In the American Dad episode "For Black Eyes Only", when Stan is told that Roger's character Tearjerker survived his fall into a volcano in a previous episode Bullock states that a volcano won't hurt you if you fall in "the right way".
In The Marvelous Misadventures Of Flapjack, Cap'n K'nuckles seems to function on a mixture of this and Know-Nothing Know-It-All. When Flapjack says "This candy tastes like horse poop, Cap'n!" (Flapjack is actually trying to eat a flower at the time), K'nuckles immediate response is "Then horse poop must taste like candy!", and he starts looking for a big pile of it.
