"Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I'd liken them to rocks, but that would be an insult to rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges with them. We stone surgeons with them."
Alice says Bob is like a rock, then takes it back, claiming it is insulting to rocks to compare them to Bob.
More generally, any insult following the form of "I'd call you an X, but that would be an insult to all Xes." Typically, X will be an inanimate object, or at least nothing you'd normally care about offending. Often used to also insult X, the implication being that X is something worthy of contempt.
A double-hammered variant is for X to be something that is commonly assumed to be contempt-worthy. I'd call you a motherfucker, but it'd be demeaning to those guys who fuck their mothers.
See also My Friends... and Zoidberg. Compare Insult Friendly Fire.
Examples
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Anime and Manga
During Yu-Gi-Oh!'s Duelist Kingdom arc (English dub), Yugi faces off against a gay clown Kaiba's evil side, brought back from the Shadow Realm by Pegasus. When the doppelganger reveals its true form, Yugi remarks, "You know, I'm not quite sure what to call you. I was thinking about 'monster'... but I wouldn't want to insult the cards."
The second Gundam Evolve CG short ends with Kamille Bidan writing an apology for destroying a camera during a field test of the Gundam Mk-II. The Wangst-filled "apology" includes this memorable line:
"Letting a person like Lieutenant Quattro command a mission is like letting a monkey handle a bomb. Saying it, I even feel as if I were insulting a monkey."
In Encounter 142 of The Keroro Gunsou manga, the author explains that the underground base constantly expands with no plans or organization, and says that while he could say it looks like an ants nest, that he feels it's an insult to the ants.
When Konata compares her using homework as an excuse to go see Kagami to that of an animal following her around, Kagami tells her to apologize to the animal world. Konata asks if she's lower than a dog.
In an alternate Cowboy Bebop tale, 'Shooting Star', rich people are compared to pigs (in their eating manners). Another member says they're insulting pigs, even including a line defending pigs manners. Another of the characters even states that she used to be like that
Played For Drama in Naruto: Obito/Kakashi motto is "In the ninja world, those who break the rules are trash, that's true, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash."
Shizuo from Durarara!! does not like it when people positively compare him to Kasuka - As far as he's concerned it's much too insulting to his little brother to be put on the same level as him.
Comic Books
A Donald Duck comic set in Donald's childhood has him wanting to call a classmate a rat, but he doesn't since that would be insulting to all the rats of the world.
In the Superman vs. Predator crossover comic, the Mad Scientist is trying to cleanse the world of genetic defects by killing everyone with them, via atmospheric poisoning. Lois Lane claims she would spit if her mouth wasn't so dry, but retracts the statement, saying "... spit's too good for you."
"Le Chat", a belgian comic book written by Philippe Geluck:
"We often say "Man is a wolf to man". But saying this is bad for the wolves. Instead, we should say "Man is a man to man". But it would be bad for men."
Hans von Hammer: "No chimpanzee would ever speak to me again, I know."
In The Beano strip Crazy for Daisy, Daisy compares Ernest, the guy who just won't leave her alone, to a warthog. After this, she's incredibly shocked at herself for being so insensitive and immediately apologises...to any warthogs who happen to be reading.
Otto: "Don't call me stupid!" Wanda: "Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!"
A version appears in The Abyss "You're going to give that rat a disease".
Literature
In Oh My Goth by Gena Showalter, Jade Leigh says she would like to add fangs and horns to the Alpha Bitch's face (on a school election poster). She promptly changes her mind, deciding that it would be an insult to The Devil. (After the two of them escape from the virtual reality world together, she celebrates seeing those same posters.)
The Gordon Korman book The Chicken Doesn't Skate. "To call you a pig is an insult to pigs!"
The anti-hero of the classic satire Augustus Carp, Esq. By Himself cries so much that he sprays his former boss with his tears, and then apologizes. To the tears.
In the Mage The Ascension novel Ascension Warrior, the insanely powerful (and just plain insane) archmage Porthos Fitz-Empress, on noting that a political enemy of his is present at a meeting of the Council of the Traditions, announces that he'd thought he'd smelled a large pile of rotting fish. He then proceeds to summon a pile of dead fish so he could apologize to it for mistaking it for Vargas.
On the subject of Corporal Nobby Nobbs: "Hey now. I've known some splendid pigs."
In one screeplay book, Nobby's character description says that the only reason why you can't say that he's close to the animal kingdom, is that if the animals heard, they'd move further away.
In the same universe, one must always remember that trolls are a valued part of society, even if they're made of rock.
In the Gentleman Bastard Sequence, the author claims that to refer to a certain pimp known as "Rude Trevor" as an "intemperate murderous lunatic" would "hurt the feelings of most intemperate murderous lunatics".
Khedryn: Calling your ship trash would be an insult to trash.
In Storm from the Shadows, Solarian League Battle Fleet Admiral Josef Byng is described by one character as not having "the brains God gave a cockroach", to which another character later says that the first person was "doing cockroaches a disservice". In Mission of Honor Admiral Sandra Crandall is described as having "the disposition of a grizzly bear with hemorrhoids trying to pass pinecones", after which another character thinks the comment "gross libel against grizzly bears".
At one point in the Belisarius Series, Irene got angry at Ousanas, calling him "a foul creature from a foul land. Now I know where Homer got the inspiration for the Cyclops." A moment later, she brightened up and apologized for slandering "the memory of an honorable monster of legend."
In V. C. Andrews's Midnight Whispers, Jefferson is ranting about his (and the protagonist's) aunt, who favors her own children over them and therefore punishes Jefferson constantly, and calls her "a low worm!" Christie tells him not to insult worms.
In one of G. K. Chesterton's Mr. Pond stories, a General is explaining his thought processes to a subordinate, and the Lemony Narrator comments that he's the sort of person who enjoys explaining things to the dog, before adding "It would be unjust to compare Lieutenant Von Hocheimer to a dog. It would be unjust to the dog, who is a much more sensitive and vigilant creature."
In Neal Stephenson's Reamde, a reviewer once apparently stated about Devin Skraelin that "to say he is tin-eared would render a disservice to a blameless citizen of the periodic table of the elements."
In The Secret Of Platform 13, Nanny Brown agrees to go along with Larina's kidnapping plan in part because she knows that someone has to take care of the stolen baby:
I, Claudius: Claudius' mother, Antonia, manages to make this one do double duty, by finding something a moment later that she thinks is a sufficiently insulting comparison.
Antonia: That man ought to be put out of the way! He's as stupid as a donkey—what am I saying? Donkeys are sensible beings by comparison—he's as stupid as... as... Heavens, he's as stupid as my son Claudius!
Sam when she sees Carly's painting: Who's that? Freddie?
Carly: No! It's a clown!
Sam: Oops. Sorry, Clown.
In Doctors, an ex of Daniel's left a baby in the surgery. When he insisted it was nothing to do with him, Michelle called him a horrible stinking rat. Archie asked that they not insult rats.
Talbot: "Please they're all dumber than a box of rocks."
Werewolf: "That's unfair!"
Talbot: "To boxes maybe. (Pause) Or rocks."
The Colbert Report: In the midst of heaping abuse on Canton, Kansas Stephen says that converting the town to a landfill would be an insult to landfills.
The last episode of Room 101, when Ian Hislop tried to put in Piers Morgan and mentioned how in Private Eye they call him Piers Moron.
Paul Merton: Is that unfair to morons? Ian: And to piers. I mean, Southend — very nice.
When Paul eventually did pull the lever to send Morgan into Room 101, an alarm went off and it was announced that Room 101 had rejected him for being too toxic.
Czarsky: Haven't you embarrassed yourself enough already?
Shawn: Hardly. I'm just getting started, you giant cockroach. (beat) You know what, that was out of line. I apologize to cockroaches everywhere.
In the very first episode of Doctor Who in 1963, the Doctor uses this on his first ever human companion, Ian, who is complaining about being condescended to. It would surely be a throwaway line if it were uttered today by Matt Smith, but this is William Hartnell we're talking about here.
Ian: You're treating us like children!
The Doctor: Am I? The children of MY civilization would be insulted.
Based on the idiom "Everything resembles it's owner", El Chavo made a comparison of Doña Florinda and a broom. When Don Ramón told him that that was offensive. El Chavo responded that doesn't matter, because brooms doesn't understand.
In The Suite Life on Deck, Bailey compares talking to London to talking to a tractor. Zack promptly replies that it's an insult to tractors.
In the Star Trek episode, "The Trouble With Tribbles", a drunk Klingon calls the Enterprise a garbage scow. When Scotty demands an explanation, the Klingon apologizes for his misstatement, saying, "I didn't mean to say that the Enterprise should be hauling garbage. I meant to say that it should be hauled away as garbage!" Fisticuffs ensue.
Hilda: "You should meet my mother-in-law. I used to say she was ugly as sin. Sin sued"
On an episode of WWE Raw, Chris Jericho would call Stephanie McMahon a "filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding, trash-bag ho!" When he was forced to apologize, he apologized to all the filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding, trash-bag hoes for even comparing them to Stephanie.
Wizards of Waverly Place: "You're so far ahead, you might as well be competing with that chair-oops. Sorry, chair."
Bertram: That's offensive to wolverines. They occasionally lick themselves clean.
Music
Dave Bartholomew's "The Monkey Speaks His Mind". In the song, three monkeys claim that the idea that man evolved from primates is an insult to monkeys.
Kevin Murphy: Mike, that's a horrible insult to the Thing!
The News Biscuit article "Underworld does not want Blair's book in crime section" responds to an Internet campaign to move Tony Blair's memoirs to the 'crime' section of bookshops by suggesting the criminal underworld is "unhappy at being associated with Mr Blair as it makes them feel 'dirty'".
Print Media
This cartoon. It refers to an incident where Ken Livingstone compared an Evening Standard journalist he was exasperated with to a concentration camp guard.
Reviews/Critics
Jason Sartin's review of the tabletop RPG F.A.T.A.L. notes that "saying that this game should be burned is an insult to fire." Later, he says that "giving FATAL a 1/1 Style/Substance rating was an insult to almost every other product on RPGnet that ever got a 1/1."
Along with his Racial Holy War's "Badness" rating: "To say that this game sucks would be an insult to oral sex."
Two recaps by the Agony Booth have done it so far.
Speaking of Battlefield Earth, J.D. Shapiro, one of the credited screenwriters (he wrote the first draft, and was fired due to Executive Meddling), started an apology letter on the movie with this:
" Let me start by apologizing to anyone who went to see "Battlefield Earth." It wasn't as I intended — promise. No one sets out to make a train wreck. Actually, comparing it to a train wreck isn't really fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those."
"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
And A Lot Like Love: "To call A Lot Like Love dead in the water is an insult to water."
And The Spirit: "To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material."
And, of course, The Village: "Eventually the secret of Those, etc., is revealed. To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes."
Additionally, discussing Ishtar on their Worst of 87 special, Gene Siskel said, "I just saw Road to ... Morocco, and it is funnier than Ishtar—of course, that's really, I guess, an insult to Road to Morocco. Anything is funnier than Ishtar—except Leonard Part 6."
Of Battle: Los Angeles, he said: "Here's a science-fiction film that's an insult to the words "science" and "fiction," and the hyphen in between them."
One RPGamer review had much to say about Hoshigami's lack of sound quality (among other things):
"The sound quality is the crappiest this side of the original NES and the compositions are so dull, so bland, so sickening, that you'll think it was composed by an ape! I apologize; I meant no disrespect to the ape community."
Adam: So your method to criticise something you'll never watch is to swear about the people involved? That's not a critical opinion, that's throwing a tantrum for attention. Congrats, you're equal to my 4 year-old cousin.
Linkara: Now that, sir, is simply unfair. 4 year-olds don't know any better.
To say that these dipshits overdo it on the silly factor would just take the dignity of the word silly.
After confirming that the name "Uwe Boldt" in the credits of Violent Shit has no connection to Uwe Boll:
Snob: Oh good, because for a minute there I thought...you know what? This movie is so fucking awful that comparing it to Uwe Boll is an insult to UWE BOLL!
And in reviewing the fundamentalist propaganda film "Rock: It's Your Decision", he says that calling the Captain and Tennille "sin" is a sin against the word "sin".
Comic Simon B. Cotter, relating his attempt to lose weight, said he knew that he had to start when he got his BMI checked and found that he had 21% body fat.
Simon: To put that in perspective, a pig has 19. If you call me a pig...it's actually an insult to the pig. 'You fat pig!' 'Well, thank you, I have been working out.'
We'd call him a weasel at heart, if he had a heart and it wasn't an insult to respectable weasels.
In Jade Empire, one of the more fucked up people you meet in the game, aside from the villains themselves, is the powerful Judge Fang: a man so disgustingly perverted that he's implied to have gotten off to a corrupt guard's genitals being torn off by starved dogs in addition to paying a prostitute a lot of money to allow him to "do things to her" that makes his own guards both flinch at their offensiveness but still pity her for having to put up with him. If your main character comments "Sounds like a really sick and twisted person", the guard quips "Nah. I wouldn't call him sick and twisted. That would be an insult to all sick and twisted people everywhere. Fang, he's on a whole other level..."
In Lords of the Realm:
The default insulting message contains the line "You look like a toad. No, that's an insult to toads, you look worse".
And his exact words in the initial insult were that Belkar would compare unfavorably to tables. The tables started off smarter than Belkar and he was still dumb enough to make the comparison offensive.
In Between Failures, Mike finds himself confronting Reggie over setting the microwave on fire. When he mentions the number of accident reports in Reggie's file (long story short, Reggie's reliance on his executive aunt's interference makes the official quantity "long past too many"), Reggie interrupts to point out that they were all accidents, just like the term says. Mike states in no uncertain terms that "accident" is no longer sufficient to describe the things Reggie accomplishes, and that it's entirely possible that there is no word for what Reggie does, but either way, it's not fair to accidents to lump them in with Reggie.
He found German slasher film Violent Shit so awful that comparing it to Uwe Boll is an insult to Uwe Boll.
Out-of-character, he looks at the propaganda film Rock: It's Your Decision! where the protagonist lists off "sinful" bands, including The Captain and Tenille.
Calling Captain and Tenille a sin, is an insult to the word sin.
Western Animation
In a micro-commercial for Pinky and the Brain, the Brain said Pinky had the approximate IQ of an empty soap dish. "I take it back. I don't want to insult the soap dish."
Tripping the Rift - When Angel calls the alien T'Nuk a cow for knocking her out of her chair:
Chode: "She's not a cow." T'Nuk: "Thank you, Chode." Chode: "Cows have a quiet dignity and serve a purpose." T'Nuk: "Jackass!" Chode: "Let's not drag your mother into this."
Johnny Test: Dirt tastes better than Mr. Test's cooking. Johnny checked.
In one The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog episode Sonic mentions that he'd like to call Robotnik a slime bucket, "but that would be an insult to decent slime buckets everywhere!"
Beavis: They should have a "Crap" section in the records store. Butthead: Uhhh, yeah. It should be out in the dumpster. Beavis: No way, Butthead. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't want to mess it up with this crap.
Real Life
"I'd say you were a carnival barker — except that wouldn't be fair to carnival barkers! A carny will at least tell you up front that he's running a shell game!" Sen. Peter Fitzgerald (R-IL) to Kenneth Lay, Feb. 12, 2002
David Letterman on the OJ Simpson trial: "To call this trial a circus is an insult to the fine people at Ringling Brothers!"
"I'd call her a cunt, but she lacks the depth and the charm." — William Styron. Nobody seems to know who he was referring to.
On the Usenet newsgroup news.admin.net-abuse.email, comparing a spammer to anything will get you a metaphorical call from the proper Anti-Defamation League.
Classic lawyer joke: A man loses a lot of money in a trial and goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. As he gets more and more drunk, he finally slams his mug down on the bar and shouts, "Godammit! Lawyers are nothing but a load of scumbags!" The man sitting next to him turns and says, "Mister, I take offense to that." "Why, you a lawyer?" "No, sir. I am a scumbag."
“I would call them scumbags, but that would be an insult to bags of scum." —Dennis Miller, in reference to the French.
Another classic joke: A man walks into a bar and starts complaining about the president, finally saying "The president is a horse's ass!" Another man says "Hey, don't talk like that in here." The man says "You can't tell me you actually like that horse's ass!" "No, but this is horse country."
Another generic one is calling someone "retarded", then taking it back because "that insults the intelligence of the mentally retarded."
Rare case of it actually occurring: Binghamton athletic director Joel Thirer compared the basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo got offended. ("Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms.").
