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"If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak."
If I wanted to describe If I Wanted X I Would Y here, I would go to TV Tropes... wait a minute.
A common put-down
of a work/activity/food/etc., by naming a prominent aspect of that thing, and claiming that aspect is better in another thing, usually in the form of "If I wanted (aspect), I would (other thing with that aspect)."
This will almost always be said in a Deadpan Snark
A Sister Trope
with Better by a Different Name
Compare X Called; They Want Their Y Back
, I Like My X Like I Like My Y
Not to be confused with If I Wanted You Dead...
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Films — Live-Action
- From Planes, Trains and Automobiles:
Where are you going? Neal:
Chicago. Cab Dispatcher:
Yeah, Chicago. Cab Dispatcher:
You know you're in St. Louis? Neal:
Yes I do. Cab Dispatcher:
Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal. Neal:
If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens? (the cab dispatcher punches him in the face)
Bill Tanner: Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers wouldn't let you play it...
(M walks in)
M: You were saying?
Bill Tanner: No, no, I was just... just um...
M: Good. Because if I want sarcasm, Mr Tanner, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much.
- From Dragonheart, after Draco wonders about the ethics of their scam:
Bowen: If I wanted my conscience pricked, I would've stayed with the priest!
- Real Time with Bill Maher
"Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club."
- Bill does this a lot in his book, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer.
- Firefly, "Objects in Space":
Mal: If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.
- Also, quoth Jayne, "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
- In one episode of Friends, Phoebe is dating two men at once — a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
Phoebe: If I wanted to see a fireman I would date one!
- In Sherlock, when Irene Adler shows up naked to meet Sherlock, Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women I would borrow John's laptop."
- In the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes Hilarious in Hindsight about a year later.)
- Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against Spike: "If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
- Parodied in Fist Of Fun: During a discussion about water pollution Stuart Lee asks Richard Herring if he wants to swim in raw sewage. Herring replies "Stuart, if I wanted to swim in raw sewage I'd..." and then details a highly developed plan to break into the local sewage works. Lee quickly realises that yes, he really does.
- In the Star Trek: The Original Series episode "That Which Survives", after major seismic tremors and loss of contact with the Enterprise:
- Dr. Kelso pulls this one out a lot on Scrubs, along with the similar; "I'll tell you the same thing I told X, '[related pun]'."
- The Golden Girls when Dorothy is working on a kids' show.
: If I wanted this kind of abuse,I'd be directing the Roseanne Barr
- From Just Hold Me by Maria Mena
But if I wanted silence I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go
And if I liked rejection I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know
- Calvin and Hobbes, where Calvin explains why he does not like organized sports:
"I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the Army and at least get paid."
- In an episode of Im Sorry I Havent A Clue, there was a round of Closed Quotes which specialized on comebacks. Among these comebacks was the lovely "If I wanted to hear from an arse, I would have farted."
- Lewis Black on the tax code:
"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace
- An example from Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time:
(Present Toadsworth is freaking out)
Past Toadsworth: (...) Really, if I wished to witness myself embarrassing myself, I'd belch in front of a mirror.
- During a Zerg mission in Brood War, we have this exchange when Fenix, Jim Raynor, and Arcturus Mengsk are discussing an eventual betrayal by Kerrigan.
Arcturus: If you ask me, she's completely untrustworthy. But so long as she'll help me retake Korhal, I'll work with her.
Raynor: If I wanted your opinion, Arcturus, I would've beaten it out of you! And in case you forgot, you're the reason she became what she is in the first place!
- Schlock Mercenary: When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you
- Used in a pro-choice slogan: ‘If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fuck a senator!’