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Scrimgeour: Are you planning to pursue a career in magical law, Miss Granger? Hermione: No, I actually plan to do some good in the world.
LIAR, n.
A lawyer with a roving commission.
Lawyers, who often defend people or practices that are considered unpopular or wrong, are an infamous Acceptable Target. Note that this refers to an explicit or implicit suggestion that all or most lawyers are evil, by:
- A character making a joke about lawyers being evil, or
- giving lawyers Animal Motifs that classify them as evil.
It doesn't help that the word Satan can be translated as accuser/prosecutor.
See also Amoral Attorney, for the evil lawyers themselves.
Examples:
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- Back To The Future Part II: "The justice system works swiftly in the future now that they've abolished all lawyers."
- Note that Doc not necessarily say that as a good news.
- From Bee Movie:
Cow: You're a lawyer?
Mosquito: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. I just needed a suitcase.
- Blade 2 has the titular character meet a representative of his enemies, and sees he's got the mark of a Familiar, starting this exchange.
Blade: You're human.
Man: Barely. I'm a lawyer.
- From Liar Liar:
Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.
- A Murder Of Crows is a subversion, since the hero is a (mostly) heroic lawyer, who matches wits with a serial killer who goes after lawyers because of this trope. The reason, IIRC, was that his son was killed by a drunk driver, but the driver's lawyer got him off on a technicality... and when they walked out of court, he could tell that the killer was repentant, genuinely sorry about the damage he'd caused... but the lawyer was smiling. He had won.
- During a song in Muppet Treasure Island, a pirate sings, "I could've been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart."
- Osmosis Jones: "We'll go down to the hemorrhoids and get you a good lawyer."
- In the western-spoof Rustler's Rhapsody, good-guy gunfighter Rex O'Herlihan faces off against good-guy gunfighter and lawyer Bob Barber. When Barber shoots O'Herlihan in the arm (rather than shooting the gun out of O'Herlihan's hand, as good guys are supposed to do), O'Herlihan's shocked that Barber isn't really a good guy. Barber's response: "I'm a lawyer, you idiot!"
Literature
- Homeward Bound, the final book in Harry Turtledove's Worldwar series, has Johnathan Yeager discover, to his amusement, that the Race has the same attitude towards lawyers as humans, and spends some time exchanging jokes with appropriate cultural alterations.
- Satan appears in the Bible as a prosecutor in God's court. In Jewish theology, this is in fact the extent of his villainy, and his entire narrative role. Insert joke about how the Christians made him less evil here.
Live Action TV
Tabletop Games
- The Munchkin Card Game has several lawyer monsters, including So Suu Mee - the Chinese lawyer demon.
Theatre
- Older Than Steam - William Shakespeare's famous "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." He made several other jabs at lawyers in his works, but the line from Henry VI is the most famous and well known, even though it was making fun of people who make fun of lawyers.
- In particular, that line is recognition of the fact that without lawyers, the rule of law would probably go to hell, and take civilized government with it.
- There's a song about this in Legally Blonde The Musical: "Blood in the Water"
- Earthworm Jim had a LOT of fun with lawyer jokes.
- Guybrush Threepwood does a whole string of these in the fourth Monkey Island game.
- To a trio of lawyers, no less.
- Daria - Helen (an attorney) is often in the background talking to her boss about cases. At one point she says something to the effect of "No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. [pause] Okay, I'll do it."
- She's also cruel to her staff (which is, sadly, Truth In Television in too many real law offices); she once tells her assistant: "Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if your mother's getting executed! Do you understand?!"
- Family Guy: Peter claims that he'd sell his soul to be famous. Cue a scene in Hell where Satan is pleased to hear that, only to learn that Peter's sold his soul twice already. Angry, he asks if anyone in Hell is a lawyer. Everyone raises their hands.
- Justice League, when a bunch of aliens are persecuting the Green Lantern:
The Flash: "Don't you have any lawyers here?"
Alien Judge: "We solved our lawyer problem a long time ago. However, you could speak for him if you wish. However, be warned: If you lose, you will share the same penalty as the accused."
The Flash: "The same penalty? You mean... That's crazy!"
Alien Judge: "No, that's how we solved our lawyer problem."
- I just got a creepy thought - What If that policy failed to solve their lawyer problem? Imagine lawyers that survived The Spartan Way? Darkseid, move over...
- In The Simpsons, OFF have hired Lionel Hutz to help them with one of their many lawsuits. For some reason, they've invited him over to dinner, where Lisa says that she wants to be a lawyer when she grows up. Lionel responds with (IIRC) "That's good. We need more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?" then imagines everyone holding hands and dancing across the world, and shudders.
- In a Wunschpunsch episode where the Curse Of The Week turns all people into animals, the heroes need to put them all on one ship to reverse it. They initially fail as the curse won't stop working - apparently someone is missing - until the ship starts sinking and a pair of sharks swim in - three guesses who those two people were.
Actual Jokes
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops fucking you when you're dead.
- What do you call 100 lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
- What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
- What do you do if you're in a room with a snake, a tiger, a lawyer, and a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
- In the beginning, God said "Let there be light!" And the lawyer said, "What colour?"
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a mud crab? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking animal, and the other is a crab.
- What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A vulture can't take off his wingtips.
- A [rural stereotype] is visiting the city for the first time when he sees a funeral procession, and asks somebody who it's for. He shows surprise on hearing that the deceased was a lawyer: "You mean you bury lawyers here?" "Well, sure. Don't you?" "No, we don't. When a lawyer dies, we just leave the body in an empty room overnight, and the morning there's nothing left but a smell of brimstone."
- Did you hear about the Terrorist who kidnapped a dozen lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met.
- A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
- Jack Thompson.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
- What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? Skid marks before the dog.
- He saw a lawyer killing a viper
On a dunghill by his stable
And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
Of Cain and his brother Abel.
- What's the definition of a shame?
- A bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff into the ocean.
What's the definition of a crying shame?
- A disgruntled guy walks into a bar, takes a seat, orders a drink, and says in a loud voice to the bartender "man, lawyers are assholes." The man next to him taps him in the shoulder and says "hey, buddy, I take offense to that." "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"
- A famous law firm is cited by the Equal Rights Commission for not having any women lawyers. The firm is mandated to hire three women lawyers and make one of them partner. The firm hires three women, but has trouble deciding who to make partner, so they devise a test. On their next paycheck, the firm overpays them by $5,000. The first woman takes the money and says nothing. The second woman immediately returns the check. The third woman takes the money, but a week later comes back with a check for $7,000. The woman claims she had a good stock tip and wanted to split the difference with the firm. So, who was made partner? The answer: the one with the biggest tits.
- What this trope fails to realize is that not all lawyers are bad. It's just the 99% of them who ruin it for the rest.
- An old legal puzzle concerns the different rules on marriage in various U.S. states in the early 20th century. A man marries Emily in South Carolina, which refuses to recognize divorce. He then separates from Emily and gets a divorce in New York, so that he can marry Susan, who (it'll be relevant later) is a different race from him. He then separates from Susan, without getting divorced and moves to Georgia (which does not recognize inter-racial marriages) where he marries Lucy. Then he goes on a sea cruise and drops dead. Under South Carolina law, the widow is Emily, and only Emily. Under New York law, the widow is Susan, and only Susan. Under Georgia law, the widow is Lucy, and only Lucy. Federal law (at the time) refused to endorse any state's marriage laws over the other. So who gets his inheritance? You needed a spoiler for this? THE LAWYERS.
- Jack Strange, Esq, an elderly lawyer, once asked a funeral director to prepare a tombstone for him. The wording he wanted was simply "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." The funeral director reminded him that there was no name on the tombstone. "No need," said the lawyer, "anyone who reads the words 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man' will instantly think 'That's Strange!' "
- A classic cartoon from the 18th century was entitled "Litigation." It showed a cow, with "The Plaintiff" pulling on the horns, "The Defendant" pulling on the tail, "The Judge" watching them and "The Lawyer" milking it.
- Sandra Day O'Connor was the first woman judge on the U.S. Supreme Court and decided a number of important cases. Still, she will probably be remembered as the person who said that Washington D.C. had more lawyers than people.
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