Web Video / French Baguette Intelligence

'FBI' stands for 'French Baguette Intelligence'.

French Baguette Intelligence is a YouTube channel that makes Ace Attorney parody videos based on Discord conversations. The channel is owned by Faux Cares (formerly Fuck Cares), who appears as Phoenix Wright in the videos.^note Though they also use Franziska Von Karma as a sona/avatar in some videos, usually at the beginning of videos before the main topic.

The videos are made with Objection.lol, a website that allows users to make videos with Ace Attorney's assets. Unlike other Objection.lol videos, French Baguette Intelligence stands out for having named and recurring characters throughout a series, rather than using the Ace Attorney characters as blank canvases for one-off videos.

Topics discussed in French Baguette Intelligence's videos range from profound and controversial topics, such as whether science needs to be ethical, to downright ridiculous subjects, such as whether a random Twitter bio is a coded message.

French Baguette Intelligence's channel can be viewed here.

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French Baguette Intelligence's videos provide examples of:

• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Cleophoebs' Long List in Fast-Fashion vs Women - The problem is here to stay. of things that French Baguette Intelligence discussions ultimately devolve into. Bowl's response to it is perhaps the best possible description of the channel's purpose.
  Cleophoebs: Why does every topic with you always lead to genocide, concentration camps, violation of human rights, eugenics, war crimes, nuclear attacks, totalitarianism, misanthropy, mass sterilization, reforming the ethics of sex, and some tangent about Bowl's desire to have sex with muscular men?!
  Pumpkin Bowl: Because we're French Baguette Intelligence.
  We discuss what no one else has the balls to talk about so we can remind people of why these things are never talked about.
• Artistic License – Geography: In Geography Makes No Sense..., Fuck Cares argues that Americans decided that North and South America are different continents because of the Panama Canal, not because they are actually separate and that Australia isn't a continent; Oceania is. Then Harry states that one could argue that they are separate continents because they are on different tectonic plates, meaning that Europe and Asia are the same continent, but Arabia and India are separate from Eurasia and New Zealand is its own continent (Zealandia).
• Artistic License – History:
  • The argument in A typical French vs English Debate starts because Google states that England won the Hundred Years' War.
  • In Auschwitz, racist? PROOF!, it's show that Bowl seems to think that only Jews were persecuted in Auschwitz after reading a History book - as a quick research would show, Auschwitz and other concentration camps held not only Jews, but Poles, black Europeans, slavs and plenty of other "non Aryan" ethnic groups. Possibly Played for Laughs, but since this is Bowl we are talking about...
• Asset Actor: While custom sprites are present, there aren't enough of them to entirely replace the stock characters, so most people are just represented by the existing ones.
• A-Team Firing: Whenever guns are used, they never hit their target, likely due to the videos being adaptations of Discord conversations.
  • In Another Typical French vs English Debate, Fuck Cares attempts to shoot Bowl, but misses when he ducks under the desk.
  • Lampshaded in Vegan Cannibalism is the Future, Harry empties the entire cylinder of a revolver at Vegan, but doesn't hit anything.
    Vegan: YOU MANIAC! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!
    Harry: Don't take it personally. With my terrible aim I could have killed anyone.
• Bilingual Bonus: While all conversations are in English, Fuck Cares sometimes says things in French.
  • In Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor", he says 'Tu sais, j’ai l’impression que si j’avais tout expliqué en Français tu aurais compris à-peut-près la même chose: C’est a dire: Rien.', which translates to 'You know, I have a feeling that if I had explained all of this in French you would have understood more or less the same thing: Nothing.'
• Black Comedy: The subject of Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor" is whether merely being edgy counts as legitimate dark humour.
• Black Comedy Cannibalism: This is the premise of "Vegan Cannibalism is the Future". It starts with Harry insisting that he is eating a vegan diet because he only eats vegans. It only goes downhill from there - here is an excerpt:
  Vegan: That would result in a world full of vegans. Wouldn't you hate that?
  Harry: Why would I hate that? I am on a vegan diet. I would never go hungry again.
  Vegan: You would be a menace. Probably executed too.
  Harry: Excellent. They should feast on my corpse before it rots.
  Vegan: Why would they do that?
  Harry: Because I'm delicious.
• Bowdlerise: In The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Fuck Cares announces that he had to change his name to 'Faux Cares' to avoid getting demonetised, but that didn't stop him from naming the Judge 'Fucking Goddamn Fucker'.
• "Cavemen vs. Astronauts" Debate: Way to many to count. How many continents are there? Is Lightning McQueen trans? Does pineapple go on pizza? Do Irish-Americans exist? The list goes on.
• Content Warning: Few of the episodes such as Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor" begins with Fuck Cares as Franziska von Karma explaining that the following video will be about extra-sensitive topics and that the conversation wasn't held to be turned into a video, he is just doing it because of the topic at hand.
• Creating Life Is Bad: Discussed in Should science be morally ethical?, with Gringo taking this stance regarding the creation of humanzees.
• Deal with the Devil: In The Metaverse Nightmares - Does Reality Matter?, Gringo compares advanced virtual reality to Faust's deal with Mephistopheles; able to have anything he wants, at the cost of finding everything unsatisfying because nothing requires effort to accomplish.
• Death Is Cheap: Deaths are sometimes shown on screen, but no one stays dead. Justified, as the videos depict Discord conversations, the 'death' animations are products of artistic licence and do not depict real deaths.
  • In The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Fuck Cares is decapitated when he mentions the fate of the French royalty, only to appear completely unharmed when he reappears a few seconds later.
• Death of the Author: In-Universe. Mentioned by name in Art vs Art video. Cypher argues that through Death of the Author, any interpretation of art is valid. He states that all interpretations of art are valid due to this, citing Hall of the Mountain King as an example of how whether something is a masterpiece is determined by the audience's reaction, not Word of God.
• Dehumanization: Discussed in Should science be morally ethical?, with Harry (who argues in favour of experimenting on prisoners) saying that what separates humans from animals is the bars.
• Dude, Not Funny!: Fuck Cares considers Volkeh’s humour to be either a mediocre attempt to replicate dark humour or an excuse to make genuinely bigoted statements, since it seems like the punchline of his jokes can be broken down to 'minorities exist'.
• Early-Installment Weirdness:
  • Harry is played by the Judge in Geography Makes No Sense... instead of Manfred von Karma, as he is in later videos. The Judge is later used to represent Baxter in Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor".
  • In Geography Makes No Sense..., Starla and Logical Loop are played by Ema Sky and Franziska von Karma, instead of Dahlia Hawthorne and Angel Starr respectively. Ema Sky later plays Seraphina in Should Atheists Celebrate Christmas? and Angel Starr plays Em in the same video.
• Emotions vs. Stoicism: A theme of Should science be morally ethical?. Harry argues that emotional reasoning has no place in science.
• Eskimos Aren't Real: Bowl claims that Irish-Americans are like the Balkans, 'not real'.
• Evil Lawyer Joke: Such a joke appears in Should science be morally ethical?, despite (or perhaps because of) the Ace Attorney art style. Harry (represented by Manfred von Karma) advocates for turning lawyers into lab rats on the grounds that they are 'parasites' and 'crooks'.
• Flowery Insults: Elaborate insults are used quite frequently.
  • In The Metaverse Nightmares - Does Reality Matter?, when describing the art style of the Metaverse, Goblin Tyrant treats us to this gem.
  Goblin Tyrant: Let's be real here. Absolutely no one would want to cuddle with an avatar that looks like a castrated Pinocchio made out of marshmallows soaked in soy.
• Food Porn: At the end of Should science be morally ethical? and Should Atheists Celebrate Christmas?, Harry randomly posts a picture of an excellently-prepared dinner that he made. Posting 'sirloin steak with triple-cooked, Parmesan-coated chips, spinach and Béarnaise sauce' in the former and 'chicken breast with crème fraîche and chive-topped fondant potatoes, courgettes and white wine sauce' in the latter.
• Foreign-Language Tirade: Fuck Cares frequently goes on rants in French, despite the conversations predominantly taking place in English.
• Fun with Acronyms: French Baguette Intelligence abbreviates to 'FBI', which is a reference to the Federal Bureau of Investigation's founder Charles Joseph Bonaparte, a descendant of Napoléon Bonaparte.
• Gainax Ending: Science vs Ethics Debate infamously ends like this. It ends with Harry going on a rant that was so extreme, disturbing and immoral, that it had to be censored so that YouTube wouldn't remove the video; everyone, even Bowl, a man who is no stranger to controversy, thought that what he said was too extreme. Gringo rhetorically asks if Harry even has a soul, then Harry posts a photograph of his dinner and the video abruptly ends.
  Harry: For today's dinner, I made sirloin steak with triple-cooked, Parmesan-coated chips, spinach and Béarnaise sauce.
• Gender Bender:
  • In A typical French vs English Debate, when Fuck Cares mentions that it is 'La France', not 'Le France' and Bowl says that it is 'Mother England' not 'Father England', Fuck Cares and Bowl's avatars switch from Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth to Franziska von Karma and Mia Fey, respectively.
  • Franziska von Karma is also used to represent Fuck Cares for Content Warnings and when Baxter changes his server nickname to 'Karen' as a joke in Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor".
• Gender-Inclusive Writing: Should we say "Latinx"? is about whether it is acceptable to use 'Latinx' as a gender-neutral word for describing Latin Americans. Fuck Cares argues that it is unnecessary and offensive to Latin Americans and other native Spanish speakers, as the word was created by non-Spanish speakers and 'Latino' is already gender neutral in some contexts.
• Global Ignorance: Gringo claims that Mexico isn't in North America, one part of it is in Central America and the other part is in South America.
• Gratuitous French: Fuck Cares occasionally speaks French randomly.
• Height Insult: In Do Irish-Americans exist? and Another Typical French vs English Debate, Bowl insults Fuck Cares for being 5' 7". In the latter video, he argues that this makes him a carrot, because he is 'close to the earth' and no one cares about carrots, except rabbits.
• Hypocritical Humor:
  • In Should science be morally ethical?, Harry advocates for turning lawyers into lab rats on the grounds that they are 'parasites' and 'crooks', despite being represented by Manfred von Karma, a lawyer.
  • In the opening disclaimer of The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Fuck Cares explains that he had to rename himself 'Faux Cares' and remove most swear words from the video so that YouTube wouldn't demonetise it. Less than five seconds later, the Judge appears with the name 'Fucking Goddamn Fucker'.
• Hypothetical Fight Debate: The entire premise of "Mister Incredible vs Darth Vader Debate" is about who would win in a fight between Mr. Incredible and Darth Vader.
• Hypothetical Fight Debate: The topic of multiple episodes, including:
  • Mr. Incredible vs Darth Vader
  • Odin vs Zeus
• Idealist vs. Pragmatist: A recurring conflict between Harry and Gringo. Harry takes the pragmatist side, arguing that the ends justify the means. Gringo takes the idealist side, arguing that ethical principles matter more than a pragmatic victory.
• Insane Troll Logic:
  • Fuck Cares claims that a Twitter bio that says '22/Pansexual/Demisexual/Non-Binary/Poly/Artist Currently: In a relationship with 6 partners all long-distance' is code for 'In 2022, I will catch COVID-19 but be asymptomatic', because 'pansexual' and 'demisexual' both contain the word 'sexual', meaning that they cancel each other out, so what is left is 'pan' and 'demi' and as 'demisexual' is the third word, it is code for C (the third letter), meaning that it is code for PanDemiC. 22 refers to the year, while 'non-binary' is used to show the ambiguity of the disease, thus meaning asymptomatic.
  • When Fuck Cares says that Bowl looks like a potato, he responds by saying that 'this potato took the pomme out of pomme de terre' and that Fuck Cares only kept the 'terre' side, meaning that he is actually a carrot because he is 'close to the earth' and no one cares about carrots, except rabbits. He then says that this is the reason why Fuck Cares' girlfriend left him, she was a rabbit all along.
  • In response to an assertion by Seraphina that Santa Claus invented winter, The Spermacist goes deeper and claims he invented the chimney so he could have a way in, and that the reason crime goes up in December is because when parents learn that Santa Claus is coming, they make sure their houses become accessible to Santa Claus, so criminals are also able to enter too.
• "Just Joking" Justification: Fuck Cares argues that people hide behind the defence of 'it's only a joke' to deflect accusations of bigotry.
• The Metaverse: The Metaverse Nightmares - Does Reality Matter? is about Facebook's Metaverse and the ramifications of metaverses and virtual reality on a large scale in general.
• Musical Episode: Did Video Kill Ace Attorney? is a tribute to Video Killed the Radio Star with Ace Attorney characters, instead of a Discord conversation like other episodes.
• My Brain Is Big: In Another Typical French vs English Debate, when Bowl brags about the average IQ in the UK being 'one mighty point above France's', the size of his head increases as he says 'U.K is Big Brain, FC. BIG BRAIN.'.
• Non Sequitur: Used quite frequently, especially by Bowl.
  • Harry often posts photographs of his dinners without any context, usually in the middle of a conversation which isn't about food.
• Patriotic Fervor: Several arguments are over whether Britain, France, the USA and/or any other country is better than another for one reason or another, no matter how insignificant the reason is.
  • The Typical French vs English Debate videos feature Fuck Cares and Bowl trying to prove that their country is better than the other, by citing random facts about military history, alliances, linguistics and throwing around random insults.
• Platonic Cave: Discussed in Science vs Ethics Debate. Harry suggests keeping the humanzees on a island where they would be isolated and monitored in secret. When Gringo says that this is immoral, he responds by saying that the humanzee wouldn't care because he wouldn't be aware that he is a prisoner; as he would have no knowledge of the outside world, he would have no desire to leave, thus would be staying there by choice.
  Harry: Freedom isn't known, it is felt; and what we feel is defined by the lies that we're fed. As soon as the pandemic ends, you will cherish your "freedom" from the office you called "prison" two years ago. That is what happens when a rat escapes a cage to enter a bigger cage. My point is that if the facility is in the middle of a desert you could let the humanzees roam freely and unsupervised, and yet, they would always choose to come back because they would convince themselves that there is nothing in the world for them. How can you feel trapped when you cannot see the restraints?
• Please Subscribe to Our Channel: Defied in the ending disclaimer of Does pineapple go on pizza?.
  Fuckette: Fear not. I'm not going to ask you to like, subscribe, yadda yadda. I'm not a cunt.
• Precision F-Strike: In the opening of The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Fuck Cares explains that YouTube required him to renamed himself 'Faux Cares' and remove most swear words from the video so that it wouldn't be demonetised. Less than five seconds later, the Judge appears with the name 'Fucking Goddamn Fucker'.
• Realistic Diction Is Unrealistic: Invoked by Fuck Cares in Questions and Answers - I am not a sociopath., where he explains the videomaking process involves organisation, rearrangement and rewrites to ensure the interruptions of real speech do not impact the video flow, and also to introduce more humorous and dramatic speech into the conversations. For instance, an infamous line by Harry in Are A.Is sentient? - What is Supersapience? was never actually said verbatim, instead summarised in a humorous way to make the video more entertaining.

  Harry: The human role is to redefine humanity every day; the human purpose is to exceed itself; the human goal is to escape humanity; and the human dream is to become God; and that is why you f**k refrigerators.

• Running Gag:
  • Australia has a single-digit population.
  • Pain au chocolat will always be referred to as 'chocolatine', and there's nothing Fuck Cares can do to stop this from happening.
    Cleophoebs: Want to know my favorite pastry?
    Faux Cares: Sure.
    Cleophoebs: Chocolatine.
    Faux Cares: Pain au chocolat.
    Cleophoebs: C'est ce que j'ai dit! Painette choqueline!
    Faux Cares: Pain au chocolat!
    Cleophoebs: Veux-tu dire "Croissant enchocolaté"?
    Faux Cares: Écoute moi, bordel! Ça s'appelle un "pain au chocolat".
    Cleophoebs: Désolé! Je ne connais pas ça! Est-ce un type de chocolatinx?
    Faux Cares: Pain. au. chocolat. Dis le correctement espèce de salope boulangère!
    Cleophoebs: Chocolat en croûte de croissant?
    Faux Cares: PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT. PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.
    Cleophoebs: D'accord, d'accord, j'ai compris. Chocolat encroissané.
• The Secret of Long Pork Pies: In Vegan Cannibalism is the Future, Harry suggests solving world hunger by serving human meat to poor and starving people and telling them that it is veal.
  Vegan: That is so SICK! You can't just feed people human flesh without telling them!
  Harry: Yes, you can. In fact, you may realise that it is far easier to feed people human flesh if you don't tell them what it is than it would be if you do.
  Em: Vegan diets are healthy, right?
  Faux Cares: No.
  Vegan: Yes. Very healthy.
  Em: Great! So vegans should be healthier to eat.
  Harry: Excellent. We shall save the world and put an end to world hunger by forcing the best vegan diet onto them: Cannibalism.
• Self-Poisoning Gambit: In The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Pixie agrees to take the take the toxin (that is non-lethal and has no long-term effects, but causes severe pain for 24 hours) on the condition that the billionaire also takes it, to deny him the pleasure of watching her suffer.
• Sincerity Mode: in "Questions and Answers - I am not a Sociopath," FC states his school tried to diagnose him with Autism to get rid of him, which leads into a rant on how he hated his school and did everything he could to spite everybody there. He then interrupts the video to state that he was very much in the wrong for this behavior, and that you should behave and respect school.
• Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism: A recurring theme in FBI's videos, with Gringo usually taking the idealistic side and Harry usually taking the cynical side.
• Speaks in Binary: Played With in Why This Alien Isn't Fooling Anyone when Harry is asked whether he is exterrestrial or machine
  Cleopheobs: Is Harry an alien or an A.I?
  Faux Cares: We do not ask him. It is rude.
  Harry: My pronouns are 01001000 01100101 00101111 01101000 01101001 01101101. ^note he/him in ASCII
• Speech-Centric Work: As an Ace Attorney parody, this is a given.
• Speed Sex: In ''Art vs "Art" video", Fuck Cares uses making excuses regarding this as an example of why it is bad to tolerate mediocrity instead of striving for excellence, pointing out how hypocritical television programmes are for promoting the 'it's not about winning; it's about having fun' mantra, despite people's attitudes towards this when it comes to sex.
  Faux Cares: Not to mention the whole "It's not about winning" bullshit is a corny anthem for mediocrity. Imagine people doing that in bed…
  Cleophoebs: Hun… You came first again…
  Faux Cares: It's not about winning, babe. It's about having fun.
  Sigma Council: Sigma Rule #1: Never let a woman come before you. A true racer always finishes first.
  Faux Cares: They call me Lightning McQueen.
• Take That, Audience!: Apology Video Gets Me Cancelled starts with Mr. E asking Fuck Cares to apologise for something that Bowl said, only for Fuck Cares to call them stupid and go on a rant about how it is the audience's fault and that they should apologise to him for making him cry.
• Third-Person Person: Bowl refers to himself in third person.
• The Treachery of Images: In Art vs "Art" video, Bowl says that he does not believe that the photorealistic painting that Fuck Cares' grandmother showed is a painting at all, but a photograph. After Fuck Cares explains how you can tell that it is a painting if you look carefully, Bowl states that he still doesn't believe that it is a painting, but a 'photograph of a painting'.
• Trolling Translator: In Should we say "Latinx"?, Bowl deliberately mistranslates Fuck Cares' long Spanish speech to make it seem like a short insult.
  Starla: OMG, I literally don't give a shit if you can speak Spanish, FC. You're not impressing anyone and I'm not gonna translate it.
  Bowl: Well, I translated it and he said that you're fat.
  Fuck Cares: No, I didn't. I said that Latinos born in the USA can barely speak Spanish in the first place, so they have no authority on this debate.
  Bowl: I just translated that and it's French for "Like, really really fat. And ugly."
• Versus Title: Countless examples, A typical French vs English Debate, Science vs Ethics Debate, Dark Humor vs "Dark Humor", Another Typical French vs English Debate, Mister Incredible vs Darth Vader Debate, etc.
• Villainous Rescue: At the tail end of Fitness isn't Fatphobia after Annie goes on another rant about Cleophoebs being a whore and that she should kill herself, Volkeh shows up to start an argument with Annie.
  Volkeh: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL This is why I don't talk to fat chicks. Imagine treating your own body like sh*t and then expecting people to treat you any better.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: While several people in the videos frequently insult each other, a disclaimer states that everyone is good friends in real life.
  • Fuck Cares and Bowl constantly insult each other, especially over matters relating to their respective nationalities.
  • The argument in Should Atheists Celebrate Christmas? devolves into people throwing random insults at each other's characters, instead of addressing their arguments.
• Would Hurt a Child: Discussed couple of times as the series is about Discord server discussions.
  • In Should we train eagles to attack our children? PARENTING DEBATE, Fuck Cares wishes he could own an eagle so that he can drop misbehaving children down from the skies, Harry would rather just shoot the child and anyone associated with them, Bowl is all for punishing children with violence per his own upbringing and Cleophoebs isn't against slapping a child and possibly their parents. Seraphina is pretty much the only one in the chat who is against corporal punishment.
  • In Would you kill Baby Hitler?, Mr. E asks several members of the server if, if possible, they'd go back in time and kill Hitler when he was a baby. Gringo is averse to killing baby Hitler specifically, Seraphina gives no answer, Fuck Cares posits killing Hitler's parents before he was even born, Goblin Tyrant spins this into having sex with Hitler's mother and thus having a different child, Harry states the best way to go about baby Hitler is to kidnap him and move him to a different environment so he grows differently, Em just links a video that Mr. E refuses to watch, and Cleophoebs says she'd go for Hitler's parents as babies.
• You Just Told Me: In Is Lightning McQueen trans?, FC manages to get one out of Bowl by accident.
  Faux Cares: Or maybe he lost them gambling; like that one lad I know who lost his testicle in Monaco.
  Bowl: Dude! I told you that in confidence!

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Thank you for reading, advanced mammal!

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