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Literal Ass Kissing
With Apologies to Jesse Jackson indeed!
Derk was the nyght as pich, or as the cole,
And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
Geoffrey Chaucer, "The Millers Tale" (see below for translation).

Like Literal Ass Kicking, certain rear-end related sayings aren't always figurative. Often used as a form of embarassment, Literal Ass Kissing is a rather ultimate form of humiliation and submission.

A commmon variant is the Literal Genie version, when someone isn't familiar with the idiom and assumes it's an order.

See also Literal Ass Kicking.

Examples:

    open/close all folders 

    Film 
  • A Take That gag in Space Jam:
    Porky: Ah b-b-b-b- correction,we're Looney Tunes.
    Daffy: And as such, property of Warner Brothers Inc.! -lifts up WB-emblazoned behind and kisses it- MMMMMWAH!
  • The 2000 film version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas!.
  • In Shrek, the dragon is about to kiss Donkey when Shrek drops in to save him, and she ends up kissing Shrek's exposed hindquarters instead. She is not too pleased. Either way, she'd have kissed an ass.
  • A crude punk among the gang harassing Jackie and the lady running the market in Rumble in the Bronx taunts Jackie by saying if he kisses the punk's ass, he'll let him go, and then bares said ass to him. Jackie and the gang are in a parking garage, and Jackie promptly breaks the antenna off a car and uses it to whip the punk's bare ass instead.
  • In the 80's sex comedy Bachelor Party the evil blond preppie falls, like, 20 stories and winds up butt-first in the sunroof of a car. Neither he, the passengers nor the car suffer any kind of damage, but the passengers end up kissing the guy's butt when they lean in to kiss each other.
  • An accidental case of this is in the movie Mannequin, as when two guys, Richards and Felix, plan to have Jonathan Switcher work for a competing fashion clothing store by stealing mannequins from the Prince & Company display window, Richards has his mouth buried in a mannequin's behind while carrying it.

    Literature 
  • Older Than Print: "The Millers Tale" in The Canterbury Tales, which might also be the first ever literary reference to "open your mouth and close your eyes..."
    Derk was the nyght as pich, or as the cole,
    And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
    And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
    But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
    • Modern English translation:
      The night was dark as pitch, or coal, and at the window she put out her hole, and Absolom, who knew no better or worse, but with his mouth he kissed her naked arse.
    • Subverted later in the same story, when Absalom gets a red hot poker and returns to the window. When he calls for his kiss again, the lady's lover sticks his ass out the window to pull the same prank. *Sizzle*
  • In James Joyce's Ulysses, Leopold Bloom has a habit of kissing his wife's bottom as a greeting.
  • Used as a combined joke and point of horror in Tithe by Holly Black: after finding out a villain's True Name, the main character sarcastically tells him to kiss her ass, and doesn't realize he's magically compelled to obey. "That is the true nature of servitude . . . Not at all pretty. In the future, I suggest you be less inventive with your insults."

     Live-Action Television 
  • On Scrubs, a rich donor to the hospital is admitted as a patient. JD fantasizes that Dr. Kelso comes into the room and lifts up the patient's bedspread to kiss her butt.
  • Thanks to the Literal Genie nature of the magic bean in The 10th Kingdom, this trope is the result when Butt Monkey (ha-ha!) Tony Lewis wishes for his boss "and his entire family to kiss my ass and be my slaves forever". It doesn't help that at least one of the Murrays must have been something of a brown-noser already, since he insists on kissing Tony's ass repeatedly. (Or could that also have been covered under the "forever" part?)

    Music 
  • The titular ass-breath from The Coup's song "Ass Breath Killers" is a breath condition that one gets from kissing too much ass.
  • In the song "Without Me", Eminem challenges his Moral Guardian critics to "come on dip, bum on your lips".

    Professional Wrestling 
  • From WWE: Vince McMahon 's "Kiss My Ass" Club, created so Vince could bribe a wrestler that's been doing something he ought not have done. Wrestlers would watch Vince arrogantly bend over and reveal to them his buff and beautiful magila. It was forced closed when The Rock made him kiss Rikishi Fatu's ass. Despite this, Mr. McMahon still takes advantage of his power with this club to this date.
    • Scott Steiner and Test opened their own club, where wrestlers and divas had to pretty much do the same thing to their manly butts. After forcing the only near recipient into the corner of the ring and taking turns farting on her, Mick Foley ended it before things got too evil.
    • Mitch was made to kiss Triple H's ass. His face was shoved in by Shawn Michaels.
    • Similarly, to the first ending of the kiss my ass club, Vince's face was shoved in the ass of The Big Show.
  • The Rock and Mr. Ass once had a match where the loser had to kiss the winner's ass. Rock won and forced Mr. Ass to kiss the ass of a fat woman pulled from the crowd instead.
  • Implied by the lip-print tattoo on Francine's butt.

    Theatre 
  • Clive Barker's play The History of the Devil. The Devil makes it a point to ask several characters, although very politely. Probably a reference to the "osculum infame" (see Other).

    Western Animation 
  • South Park:
    • When Randy Marsh accidentally says the N word on TV, he apologizes to Jesse Jackson by kissing his ass on camera. This also turns the episode title "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" into a Double Meaning Title.
    • Another South Park example: in the episode "Fun with Veal", Cartman refuses to help Stan and Kyle rescue the calves from the veal farm unless Kyle kisses him on the arse. Kyle reluctantly agrees, and Cartman lets off a fart in his face.
  • Family Guy: Peter is riding a tricycle. Because of Peter's age and size, the tricycle breaks. Peter's mom is later seen putting a band-aid on Peter's bum and kissing it. Peter runs off with glee.
  • In the story where The Simpsons go to Ireland, Bart tricks people into kissing his bottom (which has been spraypainted) instead of the Blarney Stone, although this trick backfired when an Irish version of Nelson decides to carve his initials in the "rock."

    Other 
  • Flattery
    If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.
  • Medieval witches were believed to give the Devil the "Osculum infame" or "Kiss of Shame" when meeting him. It was essentially supposed to be the Satanic version of kissing the pope's feet.
  • An old tradition in the South of France: people who lose a game of petanque 13-0 are supposed to "kiss Fanny's bottom". Many bars and petanque fields have a drawing or sculpture of Fanny presenting her butt to the loser, as seen here.
  • Slash Fic. That is all.
  • There are plenty of comics whose punch line is "Come on, Pinocchio, tell me a huge lie."
  • One of the specific charges of heresy levied against The Knights Templar was that initiates were required to be stripped naked and kissed by the preceptor on the navel, the posterior and the mouth.


Lipstick MarkKissing TropesA Magic Contract Comes with a Kiss
Line-of-Sight NameOlder Than PrintMad Eye
In the Future, Humans Will Be One RaceImageSource/Western AnimationMissing Steps Plan
Literal Ass KickingComedy TropesLiteral Metaphor

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