George Carlin had a list of "things nobody would ever say." They included "Hand me that piano," which actually was used in an episode of The Goon Show. One of his books features a paragraph-long sentence entitled, "No One Ever Wrote This Sentence Before." It starts off: "On the feast of St. Stephen, I was driving my hearse to the wholesale liverwurst outlet when suddenly a hermaphrodite in a piano truck backed out of a crackhouse driveway..."
He had another bit that utilized this. It started off talking about things you never see, then transitioned into things you never hear. At that point he declared that he would say a sentence that no one before him had ever said. Ever. The sentence? "Right after I put this red hot poker in my ass I'm going to go chop my dick off!" He then moved on to yet more rare sentences, like "Honey, let's sell the children, move to Zanzibar, and begin taking opium rectally."
From Carlin's abovementioned book: "THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.'”
Ray Romano has a routine in which he mentions that when he is driving at night and needs to stay awake, he tries to think up sentences that no one has ever said (followed by a situation in which they would be). Examples include "Give me back my fudge suitcase" and "If hernias were rainbows, I'd be Raymond Burr".
Brian Regan has a bit about how parents get to say things that people without kids would never get to say. "Buddy, don't try and balance your fruit juice between your chest and the table". Cue hypothetical exchange between two grown adults with the same sentence. "You know, it does seem rather precarious. You know, when I set that on the table, that does seem more solid underneath. Thanks for your help." "You're welcome. Continue with your proposal."
One issue of Daredevil has a superhero team up against Doc Ock that includes this line:
Spider-Man: White Tiger, Daredevil. Daredevil, White Tiger. And I have to be the first person on the planet who has ever said that out loud.
Ichiro raised a hand to his face and sighed. "My apologies for their behavior", he said, bowing his head. "Good help is hard to keep from being thrown away in a pointless attack on your ... fiance." What a strange thing to say!
In a metaliscious twist, the reporter is not an actor, but an actual newsreader in real life. If you watch closely during his scenes, he's working very, very, very hard to maintain a straight face. (In an even more metaliscious twist, cracking up on screen is known as Corpsing.)
Brady: I'm looking to see if Les Camembert is building his diabolical weather machine!
Mac: How often do you hear that sentence?
Brady: Remember, I told you about the maniacal real estate developer?
Mac: Or that one!
Charlie Brooker, in his "Screen Burn" column: "Downright heartwarming. That's a phrase I don't use very often. I don't have a heart." Also comes up after a description of something absurdly weird on TV "... which is a sentence I never thought I'd write."
Played with in The Dresden Files. During White Night, Dresden is explaining how he managed to get Thomas into the Deeps on Raith Manor. Paraphrased:
Harry: I knew Thomas could find his way there, because he was almost killed there by a cult of porn-star sorceresses. Molly: Hold up. I could have sworn that you just said "cult of porn-star sorceresses" just now. Harry: I did. Molly: Oh. (beat) Continue.
The Power of Babel has the statement, which Makes Sense In Context, "Languages are chock-full of Charlie Brown heads", and lampshades it with a footnote: "Never again will that sequence of words be used in the English language."
One of the Top 10 Lists in David Letterman's first book of them has rarely used adjectives, including "owl-flavored" and "Hitleriffic."
In The Lies of Locke Lamora, Calo says, "Rejoice! The Sanza brothers are returned!", and Jean uses this as an insult, wondering "if that particular combination of words has ever been uttered by anyone, before now."
The Stephen King memoir/writing guide On Writing notes that any noun and any verb, put together, make a legitimate sentence. This includes even the strangest ones, his example being "Plums deify" (which becomes a Running Gag).
"Shoes off inside the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus." Two things that, if asked about an hour earlier, Nate might have said with conviction he'd never hear in a lifetime of conversation.
In Making Money, Moist von Lipwig tries to prevent Lord Vetinari from being publicly humiliated by a clown gone mad, and does a mental double-take on hearing himself use the phrase "Look out! He's got a daisy!"
In one of the Animorphs books, the group travels back in time to various eras, one of which is the night George Washington crossed the Delaware river. They immediately come to the (correct) conclusion that the time-traveler they're following is going to try to assassinate the Father of the United States.
Jake: <Rachel? Find Washington. He must be the target. Stay on him. Whatever you do: Protect George Washington.>
Marco: There's three words you never thought you'd say.
Stephen Fry: ...I can say this sentence and be confident it has never been uttered before in the history of human communication: "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers."
In the "Health and Safety" episode (The answer, in case you're wondering, is to cure hiccups.):
Stephen Fry: Speaking as a health and safety officer, why would I stick my finger up your bottom if you couldn't name seven bald men apart from Yul Brynner? That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked in my life.
One correction ends up being like this.
Stephen Fry: The language of the Flowerpot Men is actually called Oddle-poddle. "Flobbadob" means "flowerpot" in Oddle-poddle. I cannot believe I just said that.
The Doctor: I have to get to that cockerel before all hell breaks loose! (Beat) "I never thought I'd get to say thatagain."
From Wings, after the gang has learned that Cloudcuckoolander Lowell's family possesses a huge family trust which all Mathers get a huge payout from upon turning 31 1/2 years old:
Antonio: God, if only I'd been born a Mather! Joe: Now there's something you don't hear every day.
In an episode of Murphy Brown, the FYI crew is forced to work in a cheesy dating show. At one point, Murphy complains about having to say the word "Smooch-o-meter" which "is third in the list of things I would never say, right after 'How much for that Neil Diamond CD?' and 'I, Murphy, take you, Newt.'"
General Hammond: Now, this mission is recon only. You are being allowed the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantages it provides. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. [Beat] Never in my life did I imagine giving that order.
Alan: Can I just say something that I thought I'd never get to say in my life? So, you're about to have sex with Tom Jones, and then what happened?
How I Met Your Mother, regarding metaphorical "mermaids" (unattractive women who spontaneously seem extremely attractive thanks to a dearth of sex and their proximity in the workplace or social circle, as with sailors seeing mermaids on long voyages) and "manatees" (what the literal mermaids actually are, and the metaphorical mermaids are otherwise considered to be):
Marshall: Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. [beat] Never thought I'd say that sentence.
Mock the Week built a whole round out of this trope with "Scenes we'd like to see", or "bad things/missing lines/things you wouldn't find a X". Where they take turns on coming up with odd phrases never before spoken at places/events. It's easily the funniest part of the show.
Kari: Now, go on — go back to whatever you're doing — I have an incredibly busy afternoon of stuffing dead birds into sexy lingerie ahead of me.
The Narrator: Now there's a sentence you don't hear very often...
In another episode, the narrator remarks on Jamie and Adam's "sausage-based evidence"* They were using sausages to test the myth whether it was safe to stick your finger into molten lead and follows it up by saying "clearly, a sentence never before used".
Given the unique nature of the people and situations that Mike Rowe often encounters on Dirty Jobs, improbable sentences occur fairly regularly, and Mike never hesitates to point them out. During the "Exotic Nanny" episode, he tells his current host that he tries to make sure that every episode includes at least one sentence "never before uttered in the history of human time." (In this particular case it involved kangaroo milk and whack-a-mole.)
In the album recording out-takes for Emilie Autumn's Opheliac, after singing a couple of lines of "The Art of Suicide" she remarks on how unusual it is for the word "ankles" to be used in a song, and challenges the listener to come up with other examples of its use.
A Pitchfork review of a Guided By Voices album noted that many of the band's song titles, such as "Tractor Rape Chain" string together words that nobody had ever said or written in that order before.
Discussed in the song "Bobby Fischer" by Lazy Susan: "Reyjavik, nobody ever says Reykjavik in a song".
From the quest description of the World of Warcraft quest "A Wolf in Bear's Clothing":
"These Worgen take us for fools! One would think that only an idiot would mistake one of their druids in bear form as a real bear. Unfortunately, there are many idiots here at the Forsaken Front. We've already lost a few battalions to organized worgen bear attacks. Yes, it's even more idiotic than it sounds."
Think you've got what it takes to tap-dance with the monkeys? (Has anyone ever written that sentence before?)
Borderlands 2 gives us this gem when trying to break into the bank vault of the Sheriff of Lynchwood. He promises that the ingredients mentioned will have a situation that Makes Sense In Context, though it doesn't seem that way at the point stated:
Brick: "Now that you've got the laxative, it's time to find some explosives. That may be my favorite sentence I've ever said."
From Bloodbowl: Chaos Edition, Jim Johnson utterly freaks out when he sees the Daemons of Khorne take to the field so an almost equally nervous Bob Bifford tries to reassure him by saying "Now, now don't worry. They're not here to harm us... they're just here to play Bloodbowl, though I have to admit I never thought I would ever be saying that!"
Hugh Bliss' reveal at the end of Sam & Max Save the World.
Hugh Bliss: Hi! I'm Hugh Bliss! And I'm a sentient colony of spacefaring bacteria.
Sam: ...Was not a phrase I was expecting to hear today.
In Kingdom of Loathing, the description for the effect "Full Bottle in Front of Me" (obtained from an adventure in a zone based on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland) reads "Your magical ability is amplified because you're visualizing a mysterious bottle from the collection of an extinct alcoholic bird. I defy you to use that sentence on your way home from work today."
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney features an example of this in the third case. When talking to Gumshoe about the murder in court he says, "The basic outline is that the Steel Samurai murdered the Evil Magistrate using the samurai spear." to which Phoenix replies, "That's something I never thought I would hear uttered in a court..."
Wight #1: Did that halfling just hit me in the face with a pineapple? Wight #2: I think he did. Also, I think no one has ever asked that exact question in the history of civilization, so Bonus Points there.
T-Rex: I've allowed my love of gravy to distract from my prescriptivist linguistic crusade! God: THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID THAT T-Rex: Seriously? Does that mean I get into heaven FOR FREE?? God: HONESTLY God: IT HELPS
T-Rex: My final wish is for all life to have developed either in or about my earthly remains. Utahraptor: Hah! Is that the first time that sentence has ever been said? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! That sentence is BASICALLY my daily affirmation.
The comic joked about this in a rant that included the phrase, "Because I only have one radiation suit."
Another one: "I bet nobody else in the history of the world has ever had cause to utter the word sequence, 'accidentally had their vital organs removed. Again.'"
A comic of Funny Farm featured Ront describing the steps required to reach the town of Bucket, which involved going through the Phukket river and ends up summarizing it as "Going around the Phukket until they climax in Bucket." and, as his brother cracks up, remarks that he can't believe that sentence just came out of his mouth.
xkcd has done this a few times, with Google searches rather than spoken sentences (since there's no way to verify the latter).
Sarah: Part of me just wants to "get a room" with her. But that's just crazy! I don't want to lose my virginity as a guy, and I sure as heck don't want to risk getting Elliot pregnant! Which, by the way, is a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Due to overwhelming reader response, I have added breasts to the space dinosaur cowboy. This was not a statement I was expecting to make today (or ever), but your logic is irrefutable and I am not above admitting my own mistakes.
In the commentary of his A Serbian Film review, he also calls this on "They raped a fictional baby!" (and adds how his neighbors reacted to him shouting said line in the middle of the night...)
During his review of Mister Lonely, which is set in a commune populated by celebrity impersonators, Kyle describes what's going on in the plot: "There's a love triangle developing between Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Charlie Chaplin... The sentences this film is making me say."
From the review of Goodbye Twentieth Century: "Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa in the face. Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa in the face. Let that sentence sink in. Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa in the face. Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa..."
Snob: I never thought I'd say this, but the climax of the movie involves Sherlock Holmes in a hot air balloon fighting Iron Man in a giant robot dragon while Watson rides on horseback to stop an android from blowing up Buckingham Palace! I can't even make a joke about that!
In the Snob's review of Elves, we get this:
Protagonist: I want to know the connection between the Elves and the Nazis!
Snob: ...are you aware of the sentence that just came out of your mouth?!
Nash and his cohost on live Radio Dead Air version of What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, Tara, have to use these from time to time. In context. Based on real life events. The following was in response to putting a... novelty item in your bosses coffee after a man was accused of using it on women.
Tara: And you will know, he is deep throating an invisible cock. note Such an item does not exist before you ask. Headline: Woman dies from sex with dog.
From the recap of Zardoz: "Then we cut to a naked May explaining Marxist philosophy while mathematical formulae are projected on her breasts. And you know, sometimes you type a sentence that makes you stop and ask yourself, did I really just type that?"
Albert: Yeah, just take a second and stare at that line for a while. It's a beauty. Lines that insane only come along once every so often.
In Myra Beckinridge, but more related to how screwed the content of that movie is.
Then it's back and forth between the anal dildo rape (boy, who ever thought I'd type that phrase in a movie recap?)...
Then we cut to another old film where an old guy and a woman are cheering. Old Guy exclaims, "It's the first time in my whole life I've ever really enjoyed opera!" And this is the first time in my whole life I've ever had to type the phrase "anal dildo rape" four times, so I suppose we're even.
Encyclopedia Obscura review of the terrible movie Robo Vampire:
I would just like to point out that you just read about a ghost and a gorilla vampire trying to have sex when they suddenly are interrupted by a robot out to get a drug lord. You will never read that again in any other context, so cherish this moment before it's gone.
From a review of Trio the Punch - Never Forget Me: "Colonel Sanders also has midget power. I hope to the gaming powers that be that this is the first time in the history of life that anyone has typed 'Colonel Sanders also has midget power'."
The xkcd blog had an entry devoted to phrases that turned up no hits on Google ("ate a violin," "driver-side bidet") as well as phrases Randall had hoped would turn up no hits but actually did ("full-body glissando," "passenger-side bidet").
You should hear Clint Barmes play "April Come She Will" on the acoustic second-base-area. It'll bring a tear to your eye. (That might be the weirdest sentence I've ever written. Fuck it. I'm leaving it in. It's 12:25 a.m.)
Much later as part of Retsupurae, he once stated that "ProtonJon was tricked into doing a Super Mario World ROM hack LP," and then noted that he had trouble believing he actually said such.
This poster on the Dwarf Fortress forums is trying to save dwarves from bug-induced spontaneous dwarven combustionnote If you turn off temperature and get your dwarves doused in magma or breathed on by a fire demon, they'll burst into flames when you turn it back on. by dropping the afflicted dwarves into a pool of water, which, as pointed out, is pretty much the only time you'll hear a DF player use the phrase "plummeted to their salvation".
This is another film written and directed by Jackie himself. Maybe you can blame the following two sentences on the chunks of his brain that fell out during his Project A skull injury, but here goes: In Who Am I? Jackie Chan plays a character named both "Jackie Chan" and "Who Am I?" He loses his memory after special forces attack a meteor, and he joins an African tribe and a rally car race before stopping an international space weapon smuggling operation staffed entirely by kickboxers. So crumple up that screenplay you're working on, awesome 8-year-olds. Jackie Chan already made it.
In another article, "Is it a law that all urine games must have a pee pun in their title? Are we the first people to ever type those words?"
In his review of Batman: Arkham Asylum, Yahtzee starts a sentence with, "But once I'd mentally adjusted for Batman's underpants", and captions the screen, "I bet no-one's ever said this sentence before".
"So Hermione hates Hooch because she ate her nipple. That's a sentence I never thought I'd type and I hope I never have to again."
Letsplays in general often have this, especially if the game in question has something like an Audience-Alienating Premise, like The Binding of Isaac. Northernlion, well-known for having a 120+ video-long Letsplay of The Binding Of Isaac, sometimes says things like "Okay, as soon as I clear these flies, I'm going to shoot that screaming fetus." or "Suck it, Diglett!" (in reference to a type of very annoying burrowing enemy that resembles the Pokemon Diglett). He often lampshades this.
Today’s Snuffy Smith sent me on an etymological voyage of discovery, which is a sentence that I’m pretty sure has never been written before and will never be written again.
An article on Bioshock Infinite from PC Gamer bears the headline "Bioshock Infinite’s Motorised Patriot is evil robot George Washington with a gatling gun", and begins "I didn’t think I’d find myself writing that headline when I woke up this morning."
The scene ends gracefully by ramming the camera into the nostril of an ugly alien who looks like Linda Hunt dunked in turquoise paint and wearing a green Bozo the Clown wig and a black pinstriped suit. I'm fairly certain I've written about thirty sentences that have never been uttered before in the entire history of the English language just describing the total lunacy being displayed on the screen. I think I'm going out of my fucking mind.
Wil: Dungeon Master, friends, assembled nerds. I'm forty years old. I have been playing Dungeons and Dragons since the Red Box set in 1981, 82, 83, somewhere around there in my life. It is safe to say that I have been playing Dungeons and Dragons for a minimum of 20 years, possibly longer, maybe closer to 30 years. I'm gonna say something I have never said. I have gone against the giants, I've been killed in the Tomb of Horrors, I have visited the Temple of Elemental Evil, and of course, there is not a single square in the Cave of Chaos that I have not crawled through. One time I talked to a wizard named Bargle, and I have never said the following words: I will climb up the asshole.
Phineas and Ferb's crazy plans and those of Dr. Doofenshmirtz can easily lead to this:
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Vanessa, thank goodness you're here! A platypus has tied me up in my own pants! Vanessa: How did my life get to a point where that is not a strange sentence to me?
In fact, the Clip Show "Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" has an entire montage devoted to odd sentences that have showed up at some point, prompted in turn by the line "Super-suit-generated egg renderings always make me a bit peckish":
"Nothing says 'mother's love' like a gigantic robotic platypus butt." "Why am I wearing a turtle on my head?" "I wanna float around! ...like men." "Am I sweating milk?!" "Gotta go, Stacy. Good luck with that llama legislation!" "Run for your lives! It's Gnome-a-geddon!" "Stickiness is the most underrated of all the -nesses". "I knew I should have gotten the down payment on the elephant." "It looks a little like a rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig." "Oh no, you did not just tell me to hench." "What, you think we should have more Bulgarian folk-related elements?" "I'll be in the dairy section if you want to come yell at some cheese." "Dad, you might want to wipe the Queen off your face." "I too feel a certain element of kebab-ism." "Definitely the giant floating baby head." "I am to metaphor-cheese as metaphor-cheese is to transitive-verb crackers." "I just discovered why cows and frogs don't date." "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Taffeta... make a note of that." "I'm calling Mom... and I am not using the banana this time!"
There's also this exchange from "I Was a Middle-Aged Robot", which sort of plays with the trope:
Candace: How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my way while I'm balancing eggs on a spoon? Phineas: Um... never?
Definitely played with in "One Good Scare Ought to Do It", even though it doesn't follow the mold. This episode is where the last example in the clip show list came from, and this was the response:
Phineas:(beat) You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me?
How about this one, from "The Temple of Juatchadoon"?
Phineas: We've got to lead that corn colossus away from those back up singers!
Isabella: OMG, coolest sentence ever! Somebody write that down.
And one from "Der Kinderlumper", lampshaded:
Candace: I've got the fennel pedal to the rutabaga metal! And yes, I know that's a weird sentence.
In the American Dad! episode "Haylias", Hayley's Trigger Phrase is explicitly mentioned as being a combination of words that no-one in the world would ever say — "I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!"
Noam Chomsky's sentence "Colorless green ideas sleep furiously" — the point was that it had never been written/spoken before and makes no sense, but is still grammatical and therefore comprehensible. This one has been repeated enough that it no longer counts. Linguistics books usually use weird and goofy sentences to make this same point. (These are usually known a Word Salad.)
The term Word Salad is borrowed from medicine. Patients with a receptive aphasia or some other neurological disorders are often unable to comprehend language of any kind. They can neither understand nor control the words coming out of their own mouths, and will frequently produce Word Salad, clanging (repetition of words with similar sounds), or other nonsensical speech patterns. So a patient with Wernicke's Aphasia (the most common type of receptive aphasia) is making plenty of rare sentences - and other vocalizations.
Which can be extended. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. "Buffalo from Buffalo bullied by buffalo from Buffalo bully buffalo from Buffalo that buffalo from Buffalo bully."
A photograph in that article is captioned "Bison engaged in a contest of dominance. This sentence supposes they have a history of such bullying with other buffalo, and they are from upstate New York." Which surely cannot have been uttered many times before.
The Daily Telegraph's cartoonist Matt said that if he's not sure about a cartoon he can end up roaming the Telegraph office asking people things like "Does this chicken look worried about monetary union?"
This list of unlikely phrases found in real phrasebooks. Useful if you ever need to say "Because I was out buying a pair of wooden shoes" in Vietnamese.
The Somali section might be a bit of a subversion, since you're probably all too likely to need (or at least need to recognize) those phrases.
Are the snakes here dangerous? Masaska halkaan khatar miyaa?
I must operate on you. Waa inaan ku qalaa.
We must bury her. Waa inaan duugnaa isaga.
Leo Rosten once decided to write an essay (reprinted in his book Passions and Prejudices) about modern poetry and computers that wrote poetry. By (he said) writing down various forms of speech on slips of paper and then pulling the slips from various envelopes, he ended up creating odd short poems that would better be described as Word Salad. The crowning poem? Swish green albino dust/Through avatars unborn/And circumcise the circumscribed circumstance:/Juno stabbed the rooster.
Most videogame nicknames from multiplayer sessions force you to utter weird sentences. Example: "UNGH! Fucking flamingp00prub came from behind and killed me with a flamethrower."
It gets even funnier in internet debating circles.
I have to say, MegaButtcrack69, your comments were both well-thought-out and insightful.
This trope can be invoked to find old fanfics, texts, articles and/or journals you read years before in some unknown corner of the internet but never remembered the name of. Just Google search a distinctive sentence, and chances are you'll find it!
Some Internet authors also use this to detect plagiarism, which can be a problem when combined with the incredibly lax standards at Amazon's ebook publishing department. (Somebody once submitted the entire text of Dracula under their own name. Amazon let it through.)