Funny / Live-Action TV Fanfics

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

• In The Pride of Sunnydale while listening to Cordelia rant about the talent show, Giles suddenly stares in horror at her. Cordelia demands to know what's wrong and Giles can only mention her hair before trailing off. Cordelia screams and runs to the nearest bathroom, at which point Giles smiles and remarks that Xander's advice worked like a charm.

Doctor Who

• Missing Sorta is full of these. Told from the Doctor's POV.
  • "By the way, Mr. Police Officer, sir, have you seen a stray police box anywhere? It’s blue... so high... and... no?"
  • Later:
  The TARDIS is at a complete standstill, on the ground, and we are tearing towards it...
  I whip out the sonic screwdriver and manage to open the TARDIS doors and we go careening through them, across the control room floor and out the other side, down the hall and smack right into the bins.

  The engine dies and the siren gives out a sickly wail before it too falls silent. And all I can hear is my hearts hammering inside my chest and the police officer's heavy breathing.
  "Did we catch it?" he says, gripping the wheel like a vice.
• Chasing the Paradox, a Doctor/Master Slash Fic has one of these in an earlier chapter, possibly to make up for the rest of it. They have a few words about the meal the Master has prepared:
  [The Doctor] took his seat, cut off a slice of the meat that was on his plate, and chewed thoughtfully. 'Chicken?'
  'No,' the Master said. 'Not even close. It's Triflarrian waterfowl.'
  'Aren't those twenty feet tall?'
  'Obviously not the whole bird.'

Star Trek

• While everything by canis_takahari on LJ is basically solid gold, her Kirk/McCoy fic Fever deserves special mention for Jim's landshark maneuver. All you need is the Jaws soundtrack and you're good:
  Approximately six seconds later, he’s belly-crawling along the ‘Fleet-issued cord carpet toward the bedside table. McCoy is snoring lightly, sprawled motionless on the mattress. For a moment, there is utter stillness in the room as Jim slithers up alongside the storage unit and then rises over the edge of the bed like a creature emerging from the black lagoon. McCoy-centric observation proceeds for the next thirty seconds as Jim watches the steady rise and fall of his chest, only the top of his head visible, and then he disappears below once more.
  • Also, this: (a very sexual conversation has just been had)
    James T. Kirk sent to Leonard H. McCoy: ...Do you think the Academy monitors the text-only comm feeds?
    Christopher Pike sent to James T. Kirk and Leonard H. McCoy: Yes, Kirk, it does. For the record, I hate you both.
    Leonard H. McCoy sent to James T. Kirk: jim you have exactly one hour to get your sorry ass off-planet before I come find you and put my boot through your pelvis
• For Slash Fic in general, the "Rude Person" meme. It's a parody of the traditional Kirk/Spock plot (A shuttlecraft crash, hiding in a cave, Spock going into Pon Farr, Kirk helping him through it) by retelling it in several different dialects, such as preschooler, road rage, or academic post-modernist.
  • The preschooler one is especially hilarious, as we get some laugh-out-loud comments from the little-girl narrator:
    Captain Kirk isn't scared of thunder like I am.
    Captain Kirk found a cave they could hide in, like when my big sister and I hide under the blankets.
    The nurse likes Pock [Spock] a lot but she's kind of silly and she doesn't wear any pants. Barbie [Rand] wasn't there either but she really likes the captain better. I like her hair but Mommy can't fix my Barbie's hair that way, it's too tricky.
    Since they're grownups, they never have to wear dipes, even at night.
    They're both men so they have a wiener. Daddy has one too. All men and boys have wieners for their privates so they can stand up to go potty.
    The Doctor is cranky a lot and likes to drink grownup drinks, which I think are yucky.
• [1] Here we have "Is wegetable fornication." courtesy of Chekov, as well as:
  "McCoy to Chapel." He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. "Bingo!"
  "Son of a Bitch!" Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. "We're hardly ten minutes in, there's no way you've got five this fast!"
  "Jim has a remarkable collection." Bones is fucking gleeful. "You'd be amazed."
  "Gimme that!" Jim snatches the PADD from Bones' hand just as Chekov's leaning in to get a look. He glances over the table currently being displayed. Blinks and reads the title again. "STD Bingo? Bones!"
• [2] The one in which poor Spock is unable to remove an unwanted, sleepwalking Kirk (and a Tribble) from his bed:
  Kirk: So I don't know, maybe I sleep walked to a warm place.
  Spock: That is a logical possibility. However, I would appreciate it very much, Captain, if you would awake-walk back to your own quarters, and take that animal with you.
  • The fourth time Spock woke up to the captain in his bed was approximately thirty point two seven seven five minutes after the third time. The captain had somehow managed to transport himself, the cats, the tribble and the woolly afghan back into Spock's bed, despite a security lock that shocked intruders first and asked for identification later. It occurred to him that the tribble smelled slightly of electricity. There were times when Spock wished with all his human heart that James Kirk actually was, to quote Dr McCoy again, as dumb and pretty as he looked.
    Spock: Captain, I have no desire to actually know why your shirt states that the viewer has been very naughty and should go to your room, or why that action is requested, but by Lt Uhura's reaction, I am assured it is neither appropriate nor professional.
  • "Hey," said the captain feelingly. "Did you nerve pinch me again? You know I hate it when you nerve pinch me."
  "I apologize, Captain, but I had not expected you to invade my bed again," said Spock.
  "I didn't 'invade' your bed!" argued the captain, sitting up.
  "You put yourself, two cats, a tribble, and a hand-knit bed covering in my bed, and then told me we should keep meeting like this," said Spock.
• List of Enterprise Crew Facts [3]
  • Sulu doesn't pilot the Enterprise through space, space moves around the Enteprise.
  • Scotty doesn't break the laws of physics, he forces the laws of physics to rewrite themselves.
  • Uhura is in fact the reason the Vulcan language now has a word for "fucking".
  • Kirk is in fact the reason the word "fuck" exists in any language.
  • Chekov does not have a Russian accent. Russia has a Chekov accent.
• This kink meme fill
  Nero: You think he likes me? I mean like likes me. He's so dreamy.
  Ayel: Perhaps chaining him down in Engineering is not a proper way to express your affection.
  Nero: But I don't want him to get away!
  • Later:
    Nero: I'm sure you have many questions for me. I have only one for you. What's your sign, baby?
    Pike stared. And stared some more, his mouth working soundlessly. There was dead silence.
    It was finally broken by a sharp, resounding smack.
    The palm print on Ayel's forehead lasted for days.
• This Star Trek: Enterprise fanfic, in which the entire main cast save Captain Archer is transformed into sentient, talking animals. While the entire thing is hilarious, easily the funniest bit is Malcolm Reed, who greatly enjoys blowing things up and can think of any number of truly unpleasant ways to kill anything, stalking around as a perpetually offended, always-dignified, blue-grey-eyed, black-furred... house cat. Who absolutely turns into a boneless pile of kitty goo for belly rubs. To the point where he earns the moniker "Lieutenant Floppy Puddle of Ecstasy." Please note there is mention of Archer/Reed slash, although it's not explicit.
  • Not to mention Travis breaking his leg...again. And Malcolm freaking out over Porthos and climbing onto Archer's head.
• From Lady Ra's Emotions:
  McCoy: You know that betting pool?
  Kirk: The one that doesn't exist?
  McCoy: Yeah, that one.
• In Unbeaten when Kirk and Khan are imprisoned together on the planet of the Snake People:
  Kirk: Let us out!
  Khan: For the last time Kirk, they cannot comprehend you. This might astound you but highly evolved species like the Gurachii find learning a mediocre language like human English an unjustifiable waste of time.
  Kirk: Oh well thank you for your input interpreter Khan. Weren't you supposed to be able to negotiate with these highly evolved snake-people, or whatever the hell they are; being such a brilliant parcelmouth and all.
  Khan: I don't understand that reference Kirk and I don't appreciate you placing the blame of your own typical stupidity on my shoulders.
• The Fistbump is Non-Optional in which Spock and McCoy are trying to break out of an alien jail cell and a very drunk Kirk is unhelpful.
  "I'm making this an order." Kirk fixed them both with the old Kirk steely eye. "One of you is going to give me a celebratory fistbump in the -next minute, or so help me God I will not budge from this cell."
  "Are you going to cry if no one fistbumps you?" McCoy said. "Will this destroy your self-esteem?"
  "I'm a sensitive man, Bones," Kirk said. "A sensitive man with needs. Among them the need to hella fistbump."
  McCoy turned on Spock and lifted his eyebrow, to which Spock said nothing, but lifted his eyebrow in turn, and then they had a really intense conversation with their eyebrows, apparently: an eyebrow up here, an eyebrow down there, like they were world-class eyebrow gymnasts and this was the final round for the world cup. Belt? Gold tweezers. Kirk was way too drunk for this.
• If you can get past everybody's Covert Pervert moments, the Enterprise story Hoshi's Birthday Surprise is hilarious, especially with its Cringe Comedy:
  • Malcolm Reed lies down on his bed and initially thinks it whimpered before realising it was Porthos.
  • Reed's excuse for wanting a cheesecake is that he wants to use it for target practice. He also claims that the birthday candles are for testing the heat sensors.
  • Reed says that he made sure he was the one watering Hoshi's plants, not Porthos.
  • Porthos knocking Reed out of his quarters when the latter is Sleepwalking as revenge for not giving him cheese. This leads to eight people seeing him in his underwear and Phlox mistaking it for a three-way with Trip and T'Pol.
  • Reed accidentally spilling alcohol on Porthos. Hoshi smells it on him and...
    Hoshi: "He smells like booze! Malcolm, how could you?!"
  • Reed renaming the date as "Day in Hell".
  • Reed thinking that Hoshi is twisting her hips at everyone, but really they're just itchy.
  • Reed trying to lead Hoshi to a place where men won't leer at her... only to take her into a Gayborhood, causing her to get the wrong idea. Later, she tells Liz that Trip, who she believes to be Reed's boyfriend, is gay.
    Liz: "The last name is Tuck-HER, not Tuck-HIM!"
• Some mad genius out there took the Enterprise intro and replaced the music with the theme from Perfect Strangers. It fits so well thematically, many fans call it an improvement.
  • And then someone did the opposite and put the Enterprise theme over the Perfect Strangers intro. Also a hilariously perfect fit.
• Someone stitched together Vreenak's iconic "It's a FAAAAKE!" line with Sisko's (or rather, Russell's) "It's REAL" rant from "Far Beyond the Stars". Both extremely dramatic and impactful scenes separately and in context, but put together and with that context removed, they're hilarious.
  Youtube commenter: It's a steak! IT'S VEAL!

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