- Any and all of the snarky letters Snape writes to various publications in his head.
Dear JPE [Journal of Potion Educators], I would be interested to learn how other Potion Masters balance their time commitments. I find it challenging to create new lesson plans and prepare for laboratory sessions while simultaneously spying for the Light. Does anyone have any helpful tips about combining Death Eater meetings with NEWTS prep?
- Chapter 2, while thinking about his past as a Death Eater and his present as a Potions teacher:
Dear Lord Voldemort, Snape's mind busily penned an imaginary letter, I am writing on behalf of the Boy Who Lived. Would you please be kind enough to refrain from sending more than one Death Eater at a time after him? It is quite unsporting of you to gang up on the boy.
- Chapter 4, on Harry's inability to defend himself from physical assault:
Dear Pureblood Monthly, he thought, what advice would you have for a half-blood Death Eater (retired) who is invited to dinner at the home of blood traitors and finds himself with The Boy Who Lived glued to his knee? Do I use a fish, butter, or steak knife to surgically remove the brat? Is it considered poor form to cut my own throat rather than suffer through such an excruciating evening? If not, which knife do I use? Is suicide considered more or less of a faux pas if you wait until after the meal has been served?
- Chapter 7, when Harry is clinging to him during a visit to the Weasleys' house:
Did Harry truly imagine Voldemort chose his name hoping to instill awe and wonder in preadolescents? Boys and Girls! Fortscue's Ice Cream Parlor presents a "Name the Dark Lord" contest. Try to come up with the best Evil and Scary title! First prize is a seat by the Dark Lord's Throne! Second prize is a free troll-sized sundae! Only one entry per person; cheaters will be crucio'd.
- Chapter 20, when discussing the origins of Voldemort's name with Harry:
Snape would not have been surprised if the ghost of James Potter appeared and punched him in the nose. Dear Earth Science News, If you note a new wobble in the earth's orbit, I suggest you investigate a certain grave in Godric's Hollow. Its resident is likely to be spinning at such a speed as to interfere with planetary motion...
- Chapter 57, when Snape is about to break the news to Harry that he has formally adopted him:
- All the miscommunications between Snape and Harry; Harry thinks one thing, Snape thinks another...and somehow it all works out.
- And, the last Running Gag, Snape's constant, futile denial to how he really feels about things; especially Harry.
- The entirety of Snape's shopping for Harry. What's so funny about it? Well, Dumbledore insisted on coming along with him.
- The best part? It starts with a description of all the things he's survived and been tortured by...and he treats this as WAY worse!
- "Had that impertinent, unfathomable, unpredictable child just said that? Had he really referred to Snape as a father, his father? Snape wondered if the flying pigs that must surely have invaded Hogwarts were interfering with Quidditch practice."
- The Hogwart's staff's reactions to Snape's new un-greasy hair.
Albus continued to eat calmly, but he was twinkling madly at his plate. Beyond him, Hagrid had missed his mouth entirely and stuck a forkful of bacon into his beard. He too stared at Snape in astonishment, as did Madame Hooch beside him. Quirrell for once appeared to be too surprised even to twitch and stammer, while beyond him Trelawney let out a shriek. "It's a sign! A sign of the apocalypse!"
- After Snape scolds Harry for playing with the football inside, he opens the door...and the entire Weasley family falls down.
- Snape's opinion of Harry's self preservation instinct.
At this rate, upon learning of Voldemort's plans for him, the boy would march up and challenge the Dark Lord to an arm wrestling match or some other equally idiotic and Gryffindorish duel. He'd probably even take it upon himself to explain to Voldemort what spells and counters he had yet to learn, in the naive assumption the Dark Lord would thereupon avoid using them. Snape could just hear the brat now: "Yoo hoo, Lord Voldemort! I'm over here! Is all the fog from the battle making it hard for you to see me? Aim a little more to your left!"
- And any other time Harry gets Voldethingie's name wrong. Including right in front of him.
- Or Izkibibble.
- Master Scary One-eye Sir!
- When the Grangers visit the castle, and find that every student is being extremely polite, completely unaware that Hermione has been using their status as dentists to build a reputation for herself as The Dreaded, and the entire school is terrified that if they eat sweets in front of them, they'll drill holes in their teeth and stuff metal in them!
- Snape reminisces finding Lupin in Italy in chapter 27. A nearby waiter thinks they're dating. Bloody Italians.
- Snape's list of priorities: Advise press conference with Pensieved memories within one week. Demand a meeting with boy immediately thereafter. Encourage Padfoot to play in traffic.
- Harry playing Combat Commentator to Nagini and the Basilisk fighting in chapter 50. The Black Comedy, it MUST BE READ.
- Snape assigns Harry to write "I will not quote my appalling relatives" 500 times. He comes back to find out that the other Gryffindors have suggested, among other things, "My relatives are stupid liars", "My relatives are lard-filled balloons", and "I will pay no attention to anything that my fat, stupid relatives ever said".