Funny / Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion

• The Running Gag about how many people knew about Anakin and Padme's "secret" marriage.
• Tarkin's reaction to the guy who ordered to use ion disruptors against enemy personnel and even civilians during the Lasat genocide, wasting an insane amount of tibanna gas:
  "You ordered to use anti-materiel weapons on EVERYTHING! "Not just barricades or vehicles, but enemy soldiers, civilians, ELDERS AND CHILDREN! You are torturing to death the entire population of a whole planet, and on top of that for the price of the tibanna you are burning one could build a whole flotilla of Consular diplomatic cruisers from the ground up, fully equip them to house Senator Orn Free Taa and his entire entourage for a year each, and then convert them into fully-equipped and fueled Chargers! You little Tapani warrior wannabe, did you trip and hit your head too many times when playing saber rake as a teen?! Or maybe you were spiced?! You did something GRIEVOUS wouldn't have done from how wasteful it was! And he had a Brainrot Plague strain engineered to target only humans just to TICK THE REPUBLIC OFF! Since you obviously don't care of the morality of your action, give me a reason, one reason, I shouldn't have you reassigned to the Fondor shipyards-AS AN ACCOUNTANT!"
  • The general of course appeals the decision to Palpatine... Whose reaction is just as hilarious:
    "General Jal Jaset... Do you think lord Vader has an ATM on his torso?! The only reason I'm not adding to the Grand Moff's punishment is that I can't think of anything to make it more humiliating! You're now an accountant at the Fondor shipyards, now go!"
  • Tarkin's reasoning for giving Kallus credit for using ion disruptors against the Lasat:
  "Because a reputation as a barely restrained sadistic genocidal maniac can be useful for an ISB agent."
• Vader's visit at the Lars homestead after Luke and Rivoche (with Tarkin's help) took down the mad Jedi A'shard Hett, so they could get the reward:
  • When Rivoche tries to give Luke the money from the reward as she's wealthy and couldn't have done it without him, Luke tries to protest... Then Vader, who thinks he's Owen's son, acts as a proper father:
    "Young man, when a lady makes such a declaration you should thank you, accept the reward, and not spend it all on a present for her."
  • One of the Stormtroopers accompanying Vader asks for Permission to Speak Freely, Vaders gives it... And the Stormtroopers reveals herself as Candace the Stormtroopers and "busts" Owen as the stepbrother of a Jedi. She'd been holding a grudge for years over Owen making her look like a fool when she asked why everyone suddenly stopped talking about the hero who saved all of Anchorhead from the Tusken...
    • Candace also reveals she had a crush on Anakin growing up... And that not only the entire 501st Legion knew Anakin and Padme were married, but they still tell it to the new recruits - and since the First Legion recruits from the 501st, two entire Stormtrooper Legions know about that.
• Early in the Empire's reign, Raith Sienar's rants about the Empire's establishment have a few moments:
  • He refers to Darth Vader as "Dark Helmet or whatever he's called". Note that he's grateful to Vader at that moment.
  • After Tarkin takes the chance to explain that Palpatine is the main Sith, Sienar guesses Tarkin is doing something about it and wants to do his part:
    "That man's capable to take my Expeditionary Battle Planetoid and stick on it some giant khyber-augmented turbolaser to blow up planets, we can't let him do-he's doing that right now, isn't he?"
• After realizing the Imperial Ruling Council is corrupt, Rivoche locks herself in her cabin in the Carrion Spike, and Tarkin, after he decides he let her sulk long enough, gives us this gem:
  "I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as your guardian by coming in anyway." he said, entertaining for a moment the idea of coming in by destroying the door with a battering ram before instead overriding Rivoche' lock with his own password to all of the Carrion Spike's doors.
• How Obi-Wan convinces Luke to take Jedi training: he hints that Jedi are really good in the bed thanks to their empathic abilities.
  • Upon finding out she's Force sensitive, Rivoche asks for training... And accidentally reveals she has guessed the same thing and wants to take advantage of it.
• Baron Orman Tagge's reaction when he's told that Giant Amorphous Bantha Breakfast Biscuits have appeared on Gastrula.
  • Thrawn's reaction when he's told about the Giant Amorphous Bantha Breakfast Biscuits.
• On Malachor, Ahsoka's utter trolling of Vader:
  "Hey, Skyguy, have you been sleeping well?!"
  • Once he calms down, Vader compares her to Hondo Ohnaka with Ferren Barr's advice.
  • After everyone has escaped Vader, Kanan's description of Ferren Barr:
    "He was the most infamous Padawan of the last three hundred years. Think Hondo as a Jedi but twice as smart, and you won't be far off."
  • The interactions between the temple on Malachor and Vader discovering he has a daughter end up destroying the planet... And the first ship to respond is commanded by Motti.
  • Vader deducing his daughter is Leia... And threatening her into staying loyal.
    • Rivoche' reaction when she realizes the same thing:
      "By the way, drinking age here is 16, right?"
• Tarkin explaining he put a research installation in the Maw Cluster because without knowing the route it's impossible to come there, even by accident - and then, before he can even finish the phrase, the Millennium Falcon streaks by as it escapes the Summa Verminoth.
• Hoffner trying to sell Garm Bel Iblis the location of the Katana Fleet... That Talon Karrde had already sold to Bel Iblis some time earlier. Also, how Bel Iblis confirms it wasn't a(nother) scam:
  Bel Iblis: "Is the name Talon Karrde familiar to you?"
  Hoffner: "Yes, he was my old navigator, who quit right af... THAT BASTARD!"
• Maul dealing with Tag Greenley and Bink Otauna. In particular, his growing horror when he realizes they helped him getting with Padme and that their reasoning made sense... And his belief that they won't be able to screw up too much with him keeping an eye on them. They quickly prove him wrong.
• In a pre-war discussion about the Military Creation Act, Senator Paige-Tarkin's reply when Padme declares she's not going to support building a fleet of proto-Star Destroyers:
  "I'm sorry, has any of us ever mistaken a bucket for a hat?" senator Paige-Tarkin replied, referencing the odd headdress favored by important Kuati.
• The pre-war segment where Ventress serves as Dooku's bodyguard in a state visit to Eriadu:
  • Why is Ventress even serving as Dooku's bodyguard when he's far stronger than her? Because he's a ruler and thus is supposed to have a bodyguard, and Dark Acolytes, having lightsabers and knowing how to use them, are quite the status symbol.
  • The encounter with Trench and The General, AKA a Grievous who's keeping his identity and face secret at the moment, where they talk about Sev'rance Tann... And Grievous can't be bothered to keep Tann's gender straight. Ventress suspects he's doing it on purpose.
  • Seeing Thalassa Tarkin, Ventress remembers the time a survivor of Q'anah's Marauders tried to murder her... And was beaten into submission with the grip of his own blaster while the woman cradled her baby child with the other hand.
    • The fact the Tarkin family has, as Ventress puts it, a collective fetish for dangerous women.
  • Ventress mentally comparing Tarkin's Simple, yet Opulent outfit with his wife's Pimped-Out Dress.
    The Lady Tarkin, on the other hand, wore a rather complex purple dress-and just the dye had nearly got her to break character, as someone commented it was "imperial dye" extracted from sea snails found in a specific small sea of Urthha. Then there were the gold-no, aurodium-jewels, the high heels (a fashion item whose very existence offended Ventress and everything she stood for), the puffy skirt... Honestly, Ventress felt hurt just by looking. Hurt and insulted that a strong woman would be willing to debase herself like that and waste so much money in the process.
  • Turns out, Tarkin cheats on his wife out of spite... And the moment he notices she's jealous of Ventress he repeatedly approaches her to drive Thalassa mad.
  • At first Ventress wonders why Tarkin seems to hate his wife, whose devotion to him is exceptional... Then she actually talks to the woman, and realizes he married his own stalker. She then starts wondering why he hasn't got her into an accident yet, or at least divorced her.
  • Ventress' suggestion to Dooku to get Tarkin to defect to the Confederacy of Independent Systems: offer to murder Thalassa and frame one of his political rivals.
    • Dooku tries out Ventress' suggestion... And then it turns out it would have worked had Tikkes not joined the Separatists openly, as Tarkin doesn't trust anyone who'd have him in an important position. Ventress then asks if Tikkes is more useful dead or alive.
  • A month after the Clone Wars started, Ventress and Durge come out of the bacta tank a cyborg put them the previous day... And then she recognizes him as The General, AKA Grievous. Who reveals his name, that he's now the Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies, and that he had to kick their asses to convince Dooku to let him take the job.
  • Grievous' explanation of what happened to Sev'rance Tann, using two different genders for her in the same phrase:
  "He provoked a Jedi Master who already held a grudge against her, so Dooku decided to see which of us should succeed her."
• An unnamed Imperial colonel using Grievous name as a swearword.