Funny / Child of the Storm

    open/close all folders 

    Book I - Child of the Storm 
  • The constant snarking.
  • Thor in chapter 4, being restrained from rendering grievous harm upon the Dursleys by Tony, who's telling him to be reasonable (and set an example to Harry), gets this example (also a Badass Boast).
    Thor: I am the God of Thunder and Lightning, not Reason and Understanding!
  • Steve being traumatized by porn. To wit, he was using one of Tony's laptops that popped up a porn site. After a few desperate attempts to close it, poor Steve resorted to punching the computer. While complaining that girls should not do such things with cups.
  • Robin Hood On Ice, as performed by the Hogwarts suits of armour and Professor Snape as an unwilling participant as the Sheriff of Nottingham.
  • Thor's letter to Fudge on the subject of yielding Sirius to Ministry custody. It was clearly written while channelling his James side.
    Fudge. Fuck off and die. Thor.
    • The follow up scene is pure gold, with Dumbledore subtly and incessantly mocking Fudge.
    Fudge: My point is that the innocent have nothing to fear.
    Dumbledore: I think Mister Black would disagree. Quite strenuously.
    • From the same scene:
    “Are you saying that I should lie down and let him walk all over I and the Ministry because he is powerful?” Fudge demanded. Dumbledore had to strongly resist the temptation to point out that he saw no reason why not, as that was what Fudge did best, and after all, why break the habit of a lifetime?
  • Really, any scene with Tony/Loki/Darcy in it.
  • Darcy giving Harry a hug and smooshing his face in her boobs, because that, at the time, is what's at Harry's head height.
    Tony: Second base already. I’m impressed, kiddo.
    • He [Tony] later refers to her cleavage as 'the Grand Canyon Mark 2'
      • Harry, having grown up somewhat, finds that he's now taller than Darcy, with a mixture of relief and irritation. Darcy responds with this gem.
    Yeah, from now on you gotta buy me dinner and ask real nice if you wanna get permission to shove your head in my rack.
  • Pretty much any scene involving Harry's mind being perverted is hilarious.
  • Tony, Sirius, Loki and Darcy discussing sex. Darcy opines that Loki is into bondage, Tony is whipped and Jane is a screamer.
  • Harry making to sit on a sofa and Thor stopping him, awkwardly saying that he [Harry] doesn't know where its been. Jane and Thor had been shagging on it earlier.
    • Harry then playing innocent to further embarrass his father.
  • Loki, coffee maker supreme. Steve tries to make a fruit shake didn't go well.
  • Apparently, when Loki was still in the process of making his Heel–Face Turn, he'd made one smart remark too many. Bruce very calmly said, "Puny God," and Loki shut up immediately.
  • Thor and Loki bickering like the brothers they are in Gringotts.
  • 'They normally turned to Stark and Banner when there was a science based issue, if only to say, 'please stop doing it'.
  • Loki has a mortal Old Flame. The Queen. Apparently she was not pleased by his 'Puny Mortals' phase.
  • Tony and Pepper's interactions.
  • The Lemony Narrator.
  • The general reactions to Thor and Loki's offhand explanation of the other pantheons, with reference to Jesus.
  • Fandral's desperate yet effective attempt at Xanatos Speed Chess to a) amend his case of foot-in-mouth, b) set up Loki/Sif.
  • Harry asks Sif about the myth that she and Thor were an item. Fandral cheerfully mentions an incident where the Warriors Three, hearing her moaning, thought she was in trouble and investigated...and Sif headbutts him before he can finish.
  • About being a Hormone-Addled Teenager:
    Sirius: Definitely. I was a randy little bugger back then.
    Remus: You still are, Padfoot.
  • Darcy notes that her type is a guy of the Darker and Edgier bent, rather than a Thor/Steve type. Steve sulks slightly and this exchange follows.
    Steve: I can be edgy.
    Clint: Steve, last time I and Nat went running with you, you stopped to rescue a little girl’s kitten that was stuck up a tree. You’re about as edgy as cookie dough.
  • Crosses over with Crowning Momentof Heartwarming. Loki, remembering his literal and metaphorical fall into darkness, gets an instinctive hug from Harry. Loki smiles, wraps one arm around his nephew...and draws his other forefinger across his throat while giving the other Avengers, Jane, Pepper, and Heimdall - all of whom are smirking - a Death Glare.
  • “I would prefer my nephew be spared the sight of the Warriors Three at feeding time.”
  • This passage:
    Madness may provide great inspiration, but it plays havoc with your probability calculation, capacity for rational thought and ability to appreciate the arts. Though it does do wonders for your fashion sense. Black, after all, is always in style.
  • Harry's first Asgardian ball, with the narrator's comment on what said balls are usually like.
    Parties like these, or so Harry had found, were like piles of autumn leaves - very pretty, ever changing, and there were probably snakes at the bottom. If this had been put to Harry, he would have quite reasonably said that he could talk to snakes, but there is such a thing as taking the metaphor too far.
  • Loki saying 'yippee ki yay'.
  • Thor and Tony argue over what colours Harry's room should be, which culminates in Steve getting roped in, Tony unleashing robots to attack Steve and Thor, using a fire extinguisher on the latter, and much shouting. Pepper urges Harry to choose before they destroy the Tower entirely, rendering the question moot, and the following exchange happens:
    Pepper: Even Tony Stark's insurance doesn't cover grand acts of idiocy.
  • Huginn and Muninn having New York accents (a result of too long on Earth) and snarking like there's no tomorrow.
  • 'Hogun was as expressionless as an overdose of botox.'
  • Any time that Sif plays Team Mom to the Warriors Three.
    • Chapter 13
    The Lady Sif, at your service. The Warriors Three would be here IF THEY WEREN’T SO BUSY CHECKING THEIR WEAPONS, FLIRTING WITH THE MAIDS AND EATING HALF THE ROYAL PANTRY. AGAIN! *turns to Frigga* My apologies, my lady.
    • Chapter 36.
    Sif: Stop that, Fandral.
    • This is in response to the below incident. Jane has thrown a book at Loki and it is casually explained that this is common place since Thor and Loki are Nigh Invulnerable. Fandral, meanwhile, seems to be wondering if everyone can get in on this and is eyeing a chair. Sif doesn't even have to turn round.
  • Jane trying to disprove that she's brave. Loki isn't having any of it. And is being smug about it.
    Loki: So, facing down the Destroyer is an everyday matter, is it?
    Jane: Well, no. Beat I’m going to lose this argument, aren’t I? No matter what I say, I’m going to lose.”
    Loki: Yes. Yes, you are.
    Jane: Thor, can I hit your brother?
    Thor: Be my guest. But believe me, it will only make him worse.
    Jane duly hurled a hardback book at Loki. He didn’t even bother trying to dodge. It hit him square in the forehead, and bounced off. Then he reached down and picked it up.
    Loki: How to make friends and influence people. How appropriate.
  • Steve's response to the above, in which he sounds uncannily like Mrs Weasley.
  • Pretty much all of Chapter 37.
    • The Warriors Three discovering porn and the Internet.
    • The various different reactions by Thor, Sif and the Warriors Three to Loki changing their clothes to business suits in order to blend in.
      • Fandral admires himself in a mirror, Thor's uncomfortable, Volstagg can't breathe, Hogun doesn't react and Sif mostly seems to be surprised.
    • Thor, Loki, Sif and the Warriors Three trying to squeeze into the Ministry visitor's entrance. Cue an annoyed Thor yelling his catchphrase.
    Telephone boxes are only designed to fit one, maybe two people, if both are of about average height and know each other quite well, or, at night in seedier areas, getting to know each other very well.
    • The Ministry receptionist doesn't even look up and tells Thor to put his wand on the scale. Thor stares at him, then silently plonks Mjolnir on the scale.
    • The Warriors Three being puzzled by Midgardian turns of phrase.
    • The entire Fudge scene.
      • One example of Loki subtly, and sometimes openly, mocking Fudge.
    Loki: Effective exile for an innocent man.
    Fudge: With respect, Prince Loki, his innocence is a matter for a trial to determine.
    Loki: If only you'd had that brilliant thought twelve years ago.
    • Both Loki and Dumbledore utterly dismissing Fudge at the end. In his own office.
    Loki: Well, I think that concludes our business here. Do not let us detain you, Minister.
    • Which serves as a hilarious Call-Back to Fudge and Dumbledore's previous discussion, which ended with Fudge being dismissed with the same quote.
  • One of the Malfoy House Elves, called Drippy, recognises Fury from when he burned down the Manor and beat up Lucius Malfoy. His response:
    Yes. I did. Would you like me to do it again?
    • The conversation, which is basically Fury losing his temper and Drippy refusing to move, while Rhodey and Betsy try damage control.
  • In the same chapter, Fury and Von Strucker's allies are engaged in combat. Von Strucker prepares for what will no doubt be an epic duel against Fury...and then the latter shoots him in the leg.
    • Von Strucker really doesn't get the message, and tries to attack...and Fury stamps on his face, while lampshading the stupidity of Talking Is a Free Action.
  • The A/N's can be quite amusing, since the author is clearly insane (something he cheerfully acknowledges) and really quite talkative.
  • In a Black Comedy sort of way, Gravemoss mentally upping the suffering on the death he's going to give the HYDRA mook who just doesn't know when to shut up.
  • Gravemoss has a strange tendency of accidentally making pop culture references in the middle of threatening/killing/torturing someone, leading to fairly epic Mood Whiplash. Lampshaded and used back at him by Harry Dresden.
  • Chapter 45 has Harry unsure as to which of the Weasley Twins is which, leading to the narration alternating between titles like 'Quite Possibly Fred' and 'On Balance, Most Likely George'.
  • Anything and everything involving Ron's Puffskeins, starting with their names - Henry and Graham.
    • Henry met his end when Fred and George ended up mistaking him for a tennis ball that Mr Weasley had brought home, and used him for bludger practice, thinking the noises were normal. They only found out when he hit the wall and splattered. Harry finds this to be an In-Universe example of Black Comedy and has difficulty restraining laughter.
    • Graham, on the other hand, may still be alive. No one's quite sure because Fred and George practised their hover charms on him, and he went straight up. And didn't come back down again.
  • Two words. Accio Hedwig.
  • Natasha's response to Professor Sprout being shocked at her age and being asked how she remains so young.
  • Combined with Fridge Brilliance, Thor apologises to Hermione for staring because he's spotted her resemblance to her mother, Wanda and says that he was 'lost in thought and memory'. Right on cue...
  • Every single scene with Huginn and Muninn. They're either bitching at Thor, each other or whoever happens to be around. They like Harry. And they have Brooklyn accents.
  • Freki and Geri will, apparently, 'eat everything that isn't nailed down'.
  • Some Hogwarts students start acting reverently towards Harry. The Weasley Twins mockingly take it Up to Eleven and go around asking, "What is thy bidding, my master?" This may or may not have been intentional. If it is, the fact that the Weasley Twins are familiar with Star Wars is even funnier.
  • The Soldier's snarky remark to Ivan about the quality of the Red Room Agents.
    Incompetent. Standards are falling everywhere.
  • In chapter 66, during the Pensive Incident, Sean banters with Lily Potter, who reads his thoughts: namely, that he had the same odds of stopping her as becoming the world's first mutant pope.
    Lily: That could probably be arranged.
    Sean: I'll pass if ye don' mind. Th' frocks itch somethin' terrible.
  • When Harry finds out about Luna's bullying at the hands of her housemates.
    Harry found himself entertaining the thoughts of a violent pyromaniac, and idly wondered if stone, say, the stone that made up Ravenclaw Tower, was flammable. All prior evidence suggested that it wasn’t, but maybe all prior evidence simply hadn’t been trying hard enough.
  • And when Harry learns that the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team is complicit in all the abuse Luna undergoes at the hand of her housemates, he starts grinning horribly. The next scene is McGonagall reading the extensive list of injuries suffered by the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team and punishing Harry for indirectly causing them and telling him "Nicely done".
  • The Winter Soldier's internal arguments are generally quite funny, with one side being an analytical and computer like personality, the other being the human and somewhat snarky personality of Bucky Barnes.
  • At one point, Dumbledore considers hiring Dresden as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, just to mess with Fudge.
    • He also remembers when Dr Strange moved from London to New York in the 60s, claiming his fashion sense would stick out less there; on remembering visiting him there in full wizard outfit and not receiving so much as a raised eyebrow, Dumbledore figures he had a point.
  • Fred and George demonstrating their new experimenting with merging science and magic by sticking some repulsors on Errol, ending up launching him all over the train station like a bottle rocket. And Harry notes that the poor owl isn't scared so much as he is resigned to his fate.
  • Nick Fury starts thinking about Azkaban and SHIELD's new prison, and how much he hates "evil soul-eating demons floating around causing misery and despair"...but unfortunately, can't do anything about them. The Congressional Oversight Committee, that is.
  • Every time some random badass meets their hero. And has to try to resist squeeing like a fangirl when said hero exceeds their expectations. Some cases in point:
    • Chapter 45: Dane Whitman, the Black Knight, asking for the autograph of Michael Carpenter, Knight of the Cross, in the middle of a vast pitched battle.
    • Chapter 1 of Chaos Reigns: Harry Dresden squees upon recognising Wanda Maximoff after shaking her hand. In front of witnesses. That he later tries to deny it makes it even better, because absolutely no one is buying it.
    Dresden on meeting Captain America: "Which I will, in a manly and mature fashion which will in a no way involve me being tongue tied and staring and begging on my knees for an autograph, no siree."
  • Harry frequently being distracted by Betsy's sexy while she's teaching him and Betsy's gently amused reaction to it.
  • Chapter 2 of Chaos Reigns has a couple of moments:
    • Dresden and Thomas Raith squabbling in the back of the car.
    • Dresden's Freudian Slip about the length of his staff.
    Murph: Don't be too impressed. Dresden often exaggerates.
    • Dresden's Dissonant Serenity at his abrupt introduction to Aeromancy and the Mabdhara chowing down on a police horse.
    • After he gets air-dropped close to Murphy's barricade and annihilates the N'Garai attacking the cops, they are naturally staring at him. His first thought is that there is something wrong with his hair.
    • When Wanda implies her father is not someone you ought to meet, Dresden immediately freaks about finding Nicodemus at his door, wanting to know Harry's intentions for his other daughter.
  • While Chapter 71 is, like its predecessor, fairly short on humour, it has a moment or two, for instance:
    • The Winter Soldier's response to hearing the famous 'snikt'.
    • And how the Soldier beats Wolverine - he reaches into his pocket and gets out a thermite tipped RPG, eliciting an understandable You Have Got to Be Kidding Me! reaction from Logan.
  • Chapter 75 gets some more humour back after Chapter 74:
    • After Carol wonders how it is possible that she is Captain America's great-granddaughter, Harry seems to be about to start with The Birds And The Bees.
    • Logan's nickname for Namor: fishy.
    • Wisdom asks JARVIS if he wants a piece of HYDRA. JARVIS corrects him. He wants them in pieces.
    • Darcy swipes a bag of jelly babies off some British doctor wearing a massive scarf.
      • Even funnier when one remembers that the show exists in-universe.
    • Colonel Summers echoes Natasha's response to inquiries about one's age and how one does not look it.
    • Doctor Strange is back in full Troll force: he takes Loki's head and replaces it with a note saying I.O.U. one Loki and swipes Moody's leg for a ritual because it's funny.
    • Strange also views Namor's Battle Cry as a sign of Incoming Ham.
    • When Strange pulls out a top hat (it's actually a portkey), Harry asks if he's going to pull out a rabbit next.
    • During the first meeting of the Shadow Initiative, Havok and Namor come close to trading blows over a past encounter, before Fury shuts them down. And then complains that at least the Avengers got introductions out of the way before fighting each other.
    Fury: (growls) And that's not helping.
  • Chapter 76 continues with the resurgence of the wit.
    Carol: I can’t believe we’re fighting this guy.
    Harry: I can't believe we've been fighting this guy for more than ten seconds and we're not dead yet.
    Carol: Give it time.
    Harry: I'd rather not.
    Jean-Paul: I am going to meet my end alongside total lunatics.
    Carol: He has problems. Useful problems, but still problems.
    Harry: We’re having this conversation in the middle of fighting an army of unholy abominations and their master, who will probably crush all of us like flies once he actually gets his act together. We all have problems.
    • Honestly, the whole of that section is hilarious.
    • Harry gets his battle plan for dealing with Gravemoss from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
    • Dresden's narration, in its usual First Person Smart Ass style. For instance, his observation on Wanda's chilly greeting of Constantine.
    Ouch, you could have deep frozen a mammoth with that tone.
    • And then the hilariously Crazy Awesome bit where Dresden's force-and-fire spell mixes with Soulfire to turn his blasting rod into his lightsabre, particularly his first line.
    “I am so getting sued for this.”
    • Then quoting Yoda to taunt Gravemoss when the latter starts backing away in terror.
    “If so powerful you are, why leave?”
    • Rhodey repeatedly complaining, partly in response to the above, 'how is this my life?'
    • And Dresden's remark when Wanda asks him how he feels about a more in-depth introduction to Aeromancy.
    • Immediately afterwards, Wanda turns his pants brown.
    • Wisdom's response to being informed that the Houses of Parliament have taken a pounding.
    "They’ve already been bombed! And they needed fixing any way; there was dry rot and rats everywhere!”
    • Wisdom's kvetching about the way the situation only getting worse.
    Someone else has picked up Mjolnir. Of course I couldn’t be so lucky to have the actual god of thunder pick it up. No, a newbie with the Green Lantern Ring and a HYDRA helicarrier armed to the teeth with Deity Class weaponry isn’t enough, I have to have someone else with absolutely no idea what the hell they’re doing wielding another weapon powerful enough to blow up the whole fucking planet!
    • And Betsy's matter-of-fact response to this.
    "Well. That’s us buggered then. And not in a fun way, either."
    • The kids bickering. Again.
    Diana: Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.
    Carol: Considering how many times we almost died on the way in here, I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion.
    Harry: We’re still alive, aren’t we?
    Steve: "Did you have something to do with that explosion I heard earlier?”
    Carol: "That was us."
    Harry: "We were fighting Gravemoss."
    Steve: "HYDRA’s necromancer? And you won?"
    Carol: "Well, I think that we mostly just really pissed him off. That and made him somebody else’s problem." She shuffled her feet. “And we might have destroyed a bridge. A big one.”
    Uhtred: “It was in the cause of justice."
    Carol: First day on the job and we get this. How is that fair?
    Harry: Since when was life fair?
    Carol: Good point.
    • Dresden and Carol - and Harry and Wanda - have a Strange Minds Think Alike moment when in the scene immediately afterwards, Dresden complains (like Carol) that this is so not fair and Wanda dryly asks (like Harry) that since when was life fair?
    • The profound (and justified) smugness of Doctor Strange after Nick Fury, who'd been in the midst of chewing him out, stoic, unflappable Nick Fury, is struck dumb by the sight of the kids taking down/dismembering two giants in about thirty seconds flat and using the burning meat as a cannonball to damage the Dreadnought.
    "Amazing what you can do when you take a few talented young people and give them directions to HYDRA’s armoury, isn't it?"
    • Wanda giving Harry a maternal scolding for putting himself in danger and Carol's background sotto voce mumble of "busteeed..."' It's just normal and absurdly out of place in the grand scale Final Battle
    • Wanda's continuing exasperation at the ridiculous antics of her godson and those she cares for.
    "Holy fuck. Now I see what all the fuss is about.” Her gaze dropped downwards. “Wow. Okay, now that’s just excessive."
  • Chapter 77 does not have as much hilarity, but still enough:
    • Stephen Strange screwing with Malfoy with a single line.
      • Also, Strange calling Gravemoss a 'rank, arrogant amateur' in scathing tones.
    • Tony's re-entrance in the battlefield.
    "Hello Director. May I say that your head is looking delightfully shiny today?" came the insouciant voice of Tony Stark. Fury had never been so glad to hear that voice and, he reflected, probably never would be again.
    • Also, his new nicknames for Clint and Natasha: Robin Hood and Agent Raspberry.
    • Uhtred is, naturally, having the time of his life in the battlefield.
    • One of Jean-Paul's methods to deal with demons is via the Finger Poke of Doom.
    • Father-son bonding in the Asgardian tradition: kicking arse.
    • Thor teasing Harry over his attraction to Carol.
    • Tony manages to make a dragon swallow him as part of his plan... only for the dragon to close its mouth. Tony promptly tells JARVIS not to say 'I told you so'.
      • Upon getting out, he asks JARVIS to tell Pepper to clear two days from her calendar - which he intends to use for 'it's good to be alive sex' that will have the neighbours making complaints. Natasha informs him that she won't bother with complaints.
      • As part of his efforts to distract HYDRA, he locks them down, turns on the sprinklers and puts the Crazy Frog song on a loop. Clint rightly informs him that he is a cruel and ingenious man.
      • JARVIS mildly, in the midst of battle, revealing Hogwarts' favourite flowers (in response to Tony's remark that he needs to get the Castle some flowers in thanks): cloudberries.
      • Tony verbally flipping off Zola when he attempts to take over the Prometheus suit.
    • Harry and Carol arguing over a demon dragon's stupidity, with Carol saying it is at Darwin Award level.
    • Volstagg dips his finger in a bit of the previous demon's remains and tastes them, and by doing so effectively identifies where it came from.
    • Fandral, fed up with the unresolved nature UST between Loki and Sif, finally pushes their heads together, forcing them to kiss.
    • Dumbledore was all too willing to let a bunch of Mindless Ones tear through Tate Modern, considering said action an invaluable service to art and British culture, if it were not for the people within.
    • Severus snarking at the people that did not run away from London after everyone else did.
    • Loki and the Voice of London discussing the city's nicknames. And the Voice telling him that the spell she asks him to use will grant him eternal bragging rights. And the Voice flicking him in the forehead to pass the information he needs.
    • Colonel Philips (a spirit come back because of what Gravemoss did) grumpily saying Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey on behalf of Strange. Just imagine Tommy Lee Jones saying it.
    • In the middle of the battle, Sirius takes the time to crack a joke about Bellatrix Lestrange and the fact that her outside now matches the inside.
    • While Chthon is distracted, Strange takes advantage and sucker-punches him.
  • Chapter 78:
    • When the Legends of Tomorrow are summoned by Strange and appear largely as blurs, repairing the damage, one shoots overhead in a red and blue blur, leaving behind the crack of an immense sonic boom. Since reality is warping around them, the laws of physics constantly changing, this riff is the result, and leaves in no doubt who it actually is:
    Steve: Is it a bird?
    Clint: Is it a plane?
    Strange: Spoilers.
    It is so satisfying to see that happen to someone else.
    • The Gherkin becomes an actual gherkin. Tony Stark proceeds to tell Bruce he has some competition. Dresden, Darcy, Carol, Jean-Paul, Fandral and Volstagg (described as the ones with an actual or mental age of 15) start to snigger, while Thor tries to hide his laugh under a cough. When Wanda says they have to do something about it, Tony suggests cold water, which brings another round of sniggering. Loki decries the fact that it has only taken him three minutes to start making penis jokes after they narrowly averted the end of the world.
    Magneto: And he's supposed to be one of the greatest minds of our age. God help us all.
    • Magneto has learned Harry Dresden is his daughter's boyfriend and gives him a measuring look. Dresden tries to hide behind Wanda, but, since he's over one foot taller than her, he fails miserably. Wanda's response:
    Father, don't you dare.
    • When they hear about the post-battle party, Huginn and Muginn appear, and the latter asks for eyeballs. All the Asgardians just sigh or otherwise express embarrassment, but not surprise.
    • To prove her identity to Nick Fury, Lily Potter reveals that, the night of Harry's christening, he, James, Sirius and John Constantine went through six bottles of firewhiskey and took Sirius' motorbike, a barrel of grease and a herd of enchanted badgers to a Quidditch match. Sirius remembers it as "good times", Thor goes red and Tony is, of course, recording this wonderful piece of blackmail.
  • Tony Stark and Harry Dresden meet, and initially start up the Snark-to-Snark Combat, much to the disgruntlement of everyone else.
    • During the post-battle feast, much of the Asgardian crowd listens in on them and actually take bets on who'll get the last word.
  • Carol teasing Harry by comparing him to Luke Skywalker and saying that his psychic powers make him 'basically a Jedi.'

    Book II - Ghosts of the Past 
  • The psychic therapy scene in chapter 1 between Harry and Carol is equal parts adorable and hilarious, with copious references to The Girl In The Fireplace, specifically the Ship Tease heavy telepathy scene between the Doctor and Reinette. Of course, since the two involved are teenagers with mutual UST, a lot of trauma in their recent pasts and both are in their night-wear, it's as awkward and Adorkable as you'd expect.
    • When Natasha sees Harry and Carol having a Sleep Cute moment following the above, and tells the other Avengers they are sleeping together. Their reactions are fairly funny, with the prize going to Steve doing a Spit Take and drenching Tony and Fandral collecting a sack of money from Volstagg.
    • The reactions when Bruce figures out what she really meant are equally fairly priceless.
    • When talking about the Marauders, Sirius mentions that they did not have too many personal boundaries, and Thor points out, somewhat aggrieved, that Sirius once used his head as a pillow (Sirius was unrepentant). When Tony, naturally, asks about photos, Remus offers one better: he still remembers the event and Pensieves exist for a reason.
  • Snape revealed to the parents that Remus is a werewolf, so he was politely asked to resign. As revenge, Thor has one tiny cloud follow Snape everywhere, drenching him with rain, sleet, snow and hail, and from time to time throw a little lightning bolt.
  • The by the pool scene, when Harry reveals that he can't swim because of Dudley's bullying, has Lex open his mouth to offer to exercise his Knight Templar Big Brother tendencies. When Carol shuts him down, he says, somewhat aggrieved:
    Actually, I was going to offer the services of my lawyers.
  • Much like the other Harry could have told him, thinking that nothing can go wrong is not a good idea.
  • Sirius explains that his family made him learn several ancient languages in the hopes of it improving his spell making ability, even though, as he points out, most spells are in "bad Latin".
  • Chapter 2 gets pretty dark from about a third of the way in, but there's a few gems in that third.
    • Wanda declines the invitation to the Quidditch World Cup, on the grounds that this year's Halloween and Winter Solstice are going to be especially busy for her and her apprentice and boyfriend, Harry Dresden, who she therefore needs to put through some intense training. Harry, seeing the innuendo, sniggers, and Wanda, totally unabashed, turns it back on him.
    Yes, that too. Your godmother might be an old lady, but unlike some in this room, she's getting some.
    • Harry's response when Bagman remarks that there can't be anyone who hasn't heard of him.
    • The Twins decide to make use of the leprechauns' only-temporary-existing gold to con people, and Carol decides to go along with it just to Troll Steve.
    Carol: So what I'm hearing is that we need to spend this quickly.
    George: And carefully.
    Fred: Spread the spending around so it won't be so noticeable or easily traceable.
    Carol: You guys have an idea about where to start?
    Fred: My dear Miss Danvers, we don't have an idea.
    George: Perish the thought: we have several.
    • Loki and Tony argue over which of them has been a worse influence on the Twins, ultimately settling on a 55-45 split. Though Loki admits the Twins already had plenty of mischief in them and that he and Tony just encouraged it. As Thor states, that's what worries him.
  • Thor tells Harry that the latter is a mighty warrior, with people singing songs of his deeds across the Nine Realms.
  • Chapter 3 starts off with the twins bickering about which of them is more attractive; Carol's attempt to stop them by pointing out they're identical and both sort of hot doesn't work and just winds up with them jokily flirting with her, leading to threats to strangle them with their own intestines.
  • Chapter 5 is a lighter one, with several moments:
    • Carol and Jean-Paul.
    Carol: Huh. You learn something new every day.
    Jean-Paul: We are in a museum, Carol. That is to be expected.
    • This segues into Jean-Paul being called an asshole, Jean-Paul claiming that his arse is magnificent and citing Uhtred's 'worship' to prove it and Harry stating that contrary to Jean-Paul's belief, Uhtred is not the Norse God of Arse Appreciation.
    • When Harry asks what a Slurpie is, Carol explains it as "Part of American Culture 101", then grabs his arm and tells him to follow her. Harry's response is golden.
    I kind of have to. I'm rather attached to my arm and I like to think that it's rather attached to me.
    • Harry and Carol's banter.
    Harry: You know, sometimes I wish I was normal.
    Carol: Take it from me, Harry, normality is over-rated.
    Harry: *smirks* Since when were you normal?
    Carol: Someone, somewhere, once made the horrible mistake of telling you that you were funny. I don't know who they are, but right now, I'd like to know, just so I have someone to blame.
    • Clint's remark is pretty good too.
    Clint: Try Tony. Most things are his fault, so it's a safe bet.
    • And when Carol and Harry get into an awkward conversation, Jean-Paul finds it vastly entertaining and actually zips off to grab some popcorn.
  • Chapter 6 is also, mostly, a lighter chapter.
    • When the subject of Doctor Strange is brought up to the not-entirely clued in Grey family...
    Elaine Grey: Doctor who?
    Harry felt that he deserved a medal for maintaining his poker face.
    • Harry Comically Missing the Point after the subject of the mysterious telepath who ensured that he remained at Privet Drive comes up.
    Harry: He probably hasn't bothered her [Jean] because of Professor Xavier. Now? Whoever he is, Jean would probably send him running. And me? I honestly hope he tries.
    Elaine: Well, I hope he doesn't.
    Harry: I've gone mind to mind with worse and won.
    Jean: That wasn't what mom meant, Harry. *telepathic interlude wherein she explains that her mother was worried about him*
    Harry: Oh. Uh, sorry about that, Mrs Grey. My temper got the better of me.
    • Harry and Jean bantering in general, and her messing with his hair.
    • Tony and Alison 'Aunt Ali' Carter's interactions are priceless, especially since Tony seems to regress to a sulky teenager.
    Tony: You're looking pretty good yourself, Aunt Ali. So good that people are going to stop believing you about your age. I'm telling you, these days SHIELD have masks that can imitate faces perfectly and anything they can do, I can do better.
    Alison: Tony.
    Tony: It'll save you so much time in the mornings.
    Alison: You know that I don't like the idea of going out with my face behind a mask. Besides, the face isn't the only place that shows ageing.
    Alison: *eyeroll* You're worse than your father.
    Tony: I know. My back-up plan if the Arc reactor I've worked in to the Mansion's power systems ever fails is to power everything through the rotary motion of dad spinning in his grave.
    • And when Tony expresses surprise that she knows that Steve is her dad, her response is very dry.
    Alison: Darling, I can comfortably bench press any of those fancy sports cars you own, I've never been ill, I haven't aged since my late twenties, I was born in 1945, my 'sister' was twenty five years older than me and most famous, unfortunately, for being Captain America's lost love - and speaking of whom, I happen to look rather a lot like him. It really wasn't that difficult to figure out. In any case, mum told me when I was eight.
    • And a little later...
    Alison: I have my sources.
    Tony: You're supposed to be retired.
    Alison: The main reason I retired was my age. Specifically, how I wasn't showing it. And even though I had retired from field ops, the wrong people were starting to take an interest in that fact - something made all the more disquieting in retrospect by the fact that most of them turned out to be HYDRA Agents. One of them was Alexander Pierce, a snake of a man if there ever was one. He was preparing his protégé, the then Agent Nicholas Fury, to assume the Directorship and since I was one of the other candidates, he was watching me carefully. I decided to settle into a more sedentary semi-retired role, mentoring Fury, and retiring in full once he took the role, and sooner rather than later, Pierce's gaze turned away. (Beat) Besides, retirement is boring.
    Alison: But that's quite enough talking shop. You, Anthony Edward Stark, have a baby to introduce to me.
    Tony: Why did you have to full name me?
    Alison: Because it's a reliable method of making you pay attention, one of very few, and even fewer that I care to use. Now, chop-chop.
  • Chapter 7 is largely the catching up episode and ends on a dark cliffhanger, but there's some funny bits in there.
    • Hermione's reaction to meeting Bucky (not knowing about the whole Winter Soldier thing) and Harry's puzzlement at said reaction - as Carol notes, he's just got used to hanging around living legends.
    • And Bucky's explanation for why he's bodyguarding and the responses.
    Bucky: It's [bodyguarding Harry] a way to help get me back in the world again. And keep an eye on a couple of dumb kids who couldn't keep out of trouble if you paid them. It's something I have a little experience with.
    Carol: A couple?
    Bucky: Sure. Jean-Paul's got common sense. You two don't. And before you protest, Carol, I have a list of reasons.
    • Harry actually winds up pouting.
    Bucky: Don't bother. Tony's better at it than you are.
    • A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, but Hermione's internal monologue about how Harry's friends are like the Golden Trio... but the Trio, of course, don't have any UST whatsoever.
    • Apparently, during the War, Howard Stark was prone to taking apart captured wands to try and find batteries and circuits, much to Ollivander's irritation.
    • The Hurricane of Puns that is Diagon Alley and its surrounding streets.
    • Jean-Paul claims that muggles have a tablet that does just what certain magical incenses do; cause an out of body experience. It's called LSD.
    • Harry's black humoured response to Hermione's sympathy over the fact that the latest prophecy about him is a list of would-be murderers.
    Harry: Yeah, well, what would life be like without a murder attempt here and there to liven things up?
    Carol: Boring. Normal, but boring.
    • And just after, Harry tries to suspend disbelief too far.
    Harry: I don't look for trouble.
    Harry: ... Much.
    • Dudley's old gang are staring down Harry, who's telling them to Bring It, having flattened their leader without using his powers. Carol simply wonders aloud where she can get popcorn in Little Whinging.
  • Chapter 8 is mostly a combat chapter, but still has a few moments:
    • Carol meets the new Black Widow, Yelena Belova, and takes to mocking her pretensions to being the true Black Widow by calling her "Black Rip-Off", and snarking that she's like a little girl dressing up in her mother's clothes.
    • There's something hilarious both in Dudley Dursley being the Blob in this universe, and him uttering Superboy-Prime's infamous line "I'll kill you! I'll kill you to death!"
    • Harry is fighting a Red Room mook in an ersatz Iron Man suit, who tries to cut Harry with a machete.
    Harry: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with knives? (mook stares in confusion) It's a joke about... oh, forget it, it probably wouldn't work in Russian.
    • Harry shows up to rescue Carol, and they immediately get into the usual Casual Danger Dialogue, much to the confusion of the other prisoners.
    Noriko: Do you always talk this much when there's more important things to do?
    Harry and Carol: ... No.
  • While Chapter 9 is mostly a dark, serious chapter, there's a few moments.
    • Clint snarking once again that it can always get worse.
    • An understandably furious Jean literally going through the roof when she hears about Harry's kidnap and actually levitating off the floor in order to scream in Steve's face, doing so loudly enough that the patient Steve is left with a persistent ringing sound in his ears.
  • Chapter 10 is mostly dark and wall-to-wall action, but it has its moments.
    • Jack O'Neill's response to Carol's incredulous question of what he's doing there.
    Seeing the sights.
    • And when Carol explains that the psychic turbulence caused by Harry and Maddie's battle is actually intentional (just not the whole giving the world a Psychic Nosebleed part) to get the Avengers' attention...
    Jack: Well, he managed that. I mean, he's given the entire world a lobotomy in the process, but he got our attention.
    • And Alison being unfazed by the psychic battle, the World Gone Mad, and the insane ghost-monsters running around, treating it all as if it's mildly interesting day out.
    • Carol continuing being just a bit charmed by Gambit, inwardly observing that his smile should either be banned by the Geneva Convention or put on display in a museum.
    • Carol dubbing Jean's glowing form (as she holds off the psychic turbulence) 'Miss Night-Light'. And Kurt's response to Jean blocking it out.
    Kurt: I vas vondering vhy I could feel my head again. Danke schon, fraulein.
    • Even in the midst of a World Gone Mad, Carol has time to have a bit of Parental Sexuality Squick over the fact that Noriko's got a little bit of a crush on Carol's uncle, resident Silver Fox, Jack O'Neill.
    • The Off Screen Moment Of Awesome/Noodle Incident of Dresden and Wanda fighting tentacle demons in Japan, tentacle demons apparently summoned by a coven of magically inclined Otaku with the wrong magic book, with Dresden making 'unspeakable jokes about sushi and Japanese pornography' and Wanda inwardly complaining about the amount of impervious to magic gunk that wound up all over her and in her hair, which she didn't get the chance to wash out before Harry's little psychic brawl got started.
    • Maddie/Rachel being increasingly frustrated by Harry's refusal to engage in standard psychic combat, which often involves metaphor. Examples include his responding to playing chess by rolling dice and responding to a duel in knightly armour by parrying or avoiding every blow while quoting The Princess Bride, and finally, getting out of a ludicrous construct death trap 'which would shame any cheesy spy franchise worth the name' with a sonic screwdriver.
    • And Kurt again, on seeing Blob!Dudley a.k.a. the Beast and hearing that he's Harry's cousin.
    Kurt: Vell, I can see who got zer looks in zer family.
    • Carol while whipping up a plan asks Lorna and Noriko if they can control lightning.
    Noriko: Do I look like Thor?
    Carol: No, you don't have the killer abs. Yes or no?
    I'm the nephew of the god who wrote the book on illusions. Did you really think that I was going to fall for that?
    • Harry complaining that as the son of the God of Thunder and Lightning, he should be the one throwing lightning around, not Maddie - or at least, he should find it easier to deal with.
    • Harry being mildly puzzled by the fact that he and Maddie have been dragged into some sort of joint mindscape reminiscent of the Gryffindor Common Room, but having Seen It All, just rolling with the weirdness and happily chatting to Maddie, who's increasingly confused, both by her surroundings and Harry's friendliness.
    • And just before Harry chases after Maddie, back into the vanishing Red Room, he apologises to Wanda.
    Harry: Sorry. Got to go fulfil a prophecy. And save a girl. Bit of both.
    • In a meta way, the author mentioning that the Avengers are going through the Red Room agents "like a hot knife through an overused cliché."
  • In chapter 11, Alison reveals that Jack O'Neill, when he was young, watched The Princess Bride post-break up. He sulkily complains that he was watching it for the fight scenes and the jokes. No one is fooled.
  • Chapter 12 is a very dark chapter, by and large, but it has moments.
    • In a dark sort of way, both the twisted morals ascribed to the various Hans Christian Andersen fairytales by Essex, and the sheer mental image of coldly scientific Uncanny Valley villain Essex reading fairy-stories to an attentive Maddie.
    • Maddie basically arguing with Mjolnir.
    • In the flashback, Harry sniping at Essex, then spitting in his face after the latter has gone on an extended monologue, and the latter's exasperated reaction.
    • A Black Comedy moment, but after the flashback ends, Harry remarks:
    Harry: That was about when the torture started. You'd almost think I'd annoyed him.
    • Carol's response to Coulson's after action report request to start at the beginning.
    • When the story runs through how the younger kids know how strong Jean is and how she's stronger than Harry.
    As for Carol, she'd seen both Harry and Jean going all out, and could draw her own conclusions just fine, thank you very much.
    • Harry being described as having "more issues than the New Scientist".
    • "Transdimensional thingummy-whatsits."
    • After Diana has come up with a particularly good idea.
    Jean and Carol: Diana, you're a genius!
    Diana: I know.
    • Due to the In Medias Res presentation of the chapter, it cuts from Frigga making a spine-chilling threat/promise to...
    Carol: So, yeah, Harry's grandma is kind of terrifying. Who knew?
    Coulson: It is fairly logical to expect the woman who raised Thor and Loki to be every bit as formidable as they are, and more besides.
    Carol: Good point.
    • While the circumstances are horrifying, there is something hilarious about Volodya, the Russian President, arriving to a meeting with heavily armed psychically protected goons, attack helicopters a kilometre out, and ground attack aircraft about twenty kilometres out, while Lukin rocks up with a pistol, Belova, and the Red Son, the latter of whom is dressed as a standard grunt and carrying a tray with a couple of glasses of vodka on it.
  • Jono teaching Maddie sexual humour, and the latter's responding in kind.
  • Maddie's lampshading how Jono constantly says "Bloody hell."
  • When ambushed by the Winter Guard, Natasha has a beer and coolly informs them that "this is what's known as a trap."
  • Harry Dresden is back, and his snark is in as fine form as ever. Gems include:
    • After Maddie picks up Mjolnir: "That's right, suckers! It's Hammer Time!" (Which gets a "Really, Harry?" from the despairing Fix).
    • "Well, far be it from me to argue with a magic hammer."
  • Worried about her godson and boyfriend, Wanda saves time by yelling, "Harry!"
  • In chapter 15, when Harry snaps, goes all Dark-Phoenix-y and plans to execute Lukin and the rest, Carol interrupts his Then Let Me Be Evil tirade with the following immortal phrase that cuts his rant off at the knees:
    Oh my god, you total fucking drama queen.