Many of Dave's lines:
DAVE: and the sassy black partner was all like "shit this bitch be trippin with aliens"
DAVE: you're the bitch john by the way
DAVE: both of the men in black will proceed to lay a rhyming so fierce on us that we won't even remember our fucking names
DAVE: wake up in a ditch in texas all like shit i don't know how but I just got served
DAVE: whatever john
DAVE: go ahead and have your little secret life with your secret alien
DAVE: im not going to stop you
DAVE: just sit back and watch like its some reality tv show or something
DAVE: it will be called
DAVE: the alien and me
DAVE: starring john egbert
DAVE: it will be the lowest rating show there ever was
DAVE: and it will get canceled after half a season because if anyone even mentioned the show they would keel over in hatred.