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Funny: When In Doubt Obliviate
  • Lupin and Black (while he is in the hospital following Lockhart’s obliviate) are discussing why it was that Lupin wasn’t informed of the change of who was being the secret keeper. Lupin’s first guess was that they didn’t tell him because he’s a werewolf. The conversation goes full circle discussing the secrecy given and that Wormtail would be the very last person anyone would suspect:
    Sirius: "Obviously everyone was supposed to think that the Secret Keeper was me. But in the event that someone suspected otherwise . . . [y]ou were a much more likely candidate."
    Remus: "Even though I'm a werewolf?" *Sirius starts banging his head against a wall in frustration.* "Oh, that will convince them that you don't have any brain damage."
  • The first half of chapter five:
    • Dumbledore finding out about Harry spending the last ten years being raised by Lockhart and not the Dursleys:
    McGonagall: "Albus! How could you?"
    Dumbledore: "I believe that I could better answer that question if I knew what you were talking about. Until you tell me, I'm going to have to go with 'it was for the greater good.'"
    Snape *sceptically*: "Now you don't even have to know what someone's talking about to assume your actions in the matter were for the greater good?"
    • The fact that after Dumbledore had decided to leave Harry with the Dursleys that it took McGonagall seven years to “agree to drop the matter”.
    • McGonagall’s feelings on Rita Skeeter: "[Rita] managed to heavily imply that you were senile, trying to enslave us to the muggles, attempting to have Harry raised with nothing in his life so that he'd be your perfect little puppet, and that you were being negligent by just putting Harry on the doorstep all night in November with just a note and then not staying to see that he was taken in safely all without managing to actually say anything that would be considered libel. In all honestly, I can't say that I disagree with that last one and you know how much I hate to agree with that woman about anything."
      • “[Dumbledore] could still remember how enraged McGonagall had been when Rita had genuinely complimented her robes and how she made the reporter pay to replace it since McGonagall had immediately changed and then set her complimented robes on fire.”
  • You don’t hear much, but this is how Sirius starts his story about Harry’s parents:
    "Alright kid, here's the story of your father and his seven years of stalking the vivacious Miss Evans…"
  • Zacharias Smith’s “rivalry” with Harry.
  • The reason why Ron can’t go back to his original compartment:
    "Actually…do you mind if I stay in here? I passed by the compartment I was in before and, well…there was a pair of underwear caught in the door…"
  • Draco and Ron’s argument over if the sorting will be fighting a troll.
  • The description of Harry talking to the Sorting Hat as "(thinking) in the hat's general direction". That is all.
  • Harry gets sorted into Slytherin and this happens:
    *Silence*
    Slytherin 1: “Do we want Potter?"
    Slytherin 2: "Shut up! Of course we want Potter! He might convince people we're not evil."
    Slytherin 3: "Questions like if we want him or not really don't help our cause."
  • The entire staff meeting. Highlights include:
    • Snape demanding (of Dumbledore) how it was possible that Harry had ended up in Slytherin house:
    • He then accuses Dumbledore of “enjoying this”:
    Dumbledore: "I enjoy a great many things about Hogwarts; that's why I'm the Headmaster."
  • Ron treating it as a personal betrayal when Harry is sorted as a Slytherin. He then decides that Harry was simply sorted incorrectly and proceeds to plot a series of increasingly outrageous schemes to “redeem" his friend from the perils of being in the wrong house.
    Ron: "Never let it be said that a Weasley gives up easily! Unless, of course, we don't want to do whatever it is we're attempting and then it's a bloody miracle we even started."
  • On Hallowe’en morning all the Slytherins, except Daphne, took off at the crack of dawn just in case Harry found “his inner Gryffindor”. He messes with them all day by drawing his finger across his throat when they happened to be glancing his way or sending his feather to poke them insistently.
    • At the Hallowe’en feast, we have this discussion:
    Theodore: "Everyone was concerned you'd discover your inner Gryffindor and decided that the most cunning thing to do would be to leave. Except for Daphne, but then she seems to have found her own inner Gryffindor." *Not even bothering to pause in her conversation, Daphne throws a roll at his head* "And now that I've revealed her secret, she's just tried to assassinate me!”
  • Pansy wondering if Dumbledore was threatening the Sorting Hat and the others start thinking up more and more outlandish theories on how he would go about doing that.
  • Sirius threatens Lupin that he’ll have to “turn in his marauders’ badge” which sounds like an empty threat until Sirius pulls out three of them.
  • The Slytherins planning Harry’s intervention for terminal Gryffindorness, while he’s sitting there. Theodore even asks him for his help for his intervention speech.
  • The culmination in the final chapter of Blaise's inability to remember the name of his current stepfather.
    Blaise: "Do any of you guys know a Peter? I got a letter this morning saying that he died so, if you do, sorry. Unless you didn't like him in which case, public sorry and private congratulations."
    Tracy: "Peter was your stepfather."
    Draco: "How much of our conversation were you listening to?"
    Tracy: "I don't actually care about your conversation, Draco, I just sensed that Blaise was having trouble keeping track of his various stepfathers again."
    Blaise: "Is it that time of year already?"
    Pansy: "There is no way that your stepfathers meet you before the wedding."
    Blaise: "They don't always meet me afterwards."

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