Funny: Uninvited Guests
One can call this fic in its entirety Funny moments, but to be specific...
- The author's note.
- Yumichika fails to grasp the severity of their barracks burning down, choosing to instead admire the bonfire's beauty - until Ikkaku reminds him that all his clothes and make-up were in there.
"! DAMN YOU, FLAMES! OH, THE CRUEL WHIMS OF FATE MAKE THEIR TWISTED ATTEMPTS TO STRIP ME OF MY BEAUTY YET AGAIN! ARE YOU THAT JEALOUS, GOD?" Ayasegawa screamed, falling to his knees and shaking his fist at the cheerily burning building.
- Yachiru's "theory".
- Kenpachi's brain trust.
Zaraki: I seriously need to get a better brain trust.
- Rangiku's conspiracy theory. Against her breasts.
- Yachiru's explanation as to why nobody put out the fire. And it kinda works.
- What about when Kenpachi tries to come up with an explanation and it's silent for a couple of minutes, then Rangiku points out that he didn't answer the question?
- Hitsugaya Vision!
Mayuri: Captain, I'm hurt, I'm hurt! You don't trust me, a fellow Captain in the Gotei 12!Zaraki: Um… it's the Gotei 13.Mayuri: Not for much longer, once your entire division is in my care…
- You'll barely even know we're here!
Twenty minutes later, after the red haze of fury cleared from Hitsugaya's mind, he awoke to find his office resembling a war zone. Apparently he'd released Hyourinmaru at some point, because there was quite a lot of ice lying around. Also, he couldn't help but notice that his entire body was a mess of cuts and bruises and his robes looked like they had been through a blender. One of his eyes was swollen shut and his right leg was so badly mauled he needed to use his zanpakuto as a cane. Zaraki, for his part, looked like someone had smashed him repeatedly in the face with a bowling ball, and was frozen in a solid block of ice from the neck down. Unlike Hitsugaya, however, he had a huge grin on his blood-smeared face."What'd I tell ya? Havin' more fun already." Zaraki said cheerfully, looking for all the world like a partially alive ice sculpture.
- See? We're already fitting right in!
- "It's not as though I fly off the handle over little things like this all the time!" Cue the Gilligan Cut Flashback.
- This little exchange:
"Oh, yes, I'm sure." Unohana said in a motherly tone. "Toshiro, I understand that you've been stressed lately. I also understand that Kenpachi can be difficult to deal with. He is a rather forceful man." She paused, smiling slightly. "A loud man," she said, her smile shrinking. "A smelly man," Her smile disappeared. "A great, thundering ox of a man, who consistently finds some way to grope me every damn time he gets drunk. And it's not like he fixates on me because I'm in the same bar as him or something. I'm NEVER in a bar, Toshiro. I HATE alchohol, I get drunk one night a year because it's the only time I ever get to spend with my closest friends, and yet that man somehow finds me no matter what bar he's in, no matter what time of day. He's clearly some unholy cross between a human, a gorilla, and a tracking bloodhound. And worst of all, that barely verbal SASQUATCH of a man maintains so little control over that pack of wild dogs he calls a division that they spend their time coming to MY division, picking on MY subordinates who I love like my own children, those disgusting PIGS…""Um… Captain Unohana, are you okay?" Hitsugaya asked nervously."I'm completely fine, Toshiro. Why do you ask?" Unohana replied, smiling warmly again."Because you wrapped the bandage around my arm so tightly that I can't feel my hand."
- Rangiku's "negotiations" to get Hitsugaya to share his house. It involves stripping.
"DAMMIT, STRIPPING IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!" Hitsugaya roared, blushing furiously and covering his eyes."It won't?""NO! YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT AN ALL-PURPOSE PROBLEM SOLVER!""Really? But they've always worked in the past." Matsumoto said, a little confused.
- The discovery that Rangiku only snores when away from Toshiro...and they get proportionality louder the farther/longer he is away.
- The morning after...including guilt-tripping Toshiro out of his own house.
- What happened to Hitsugaya's mirror.
- "Apparently, Vice-Captain Abarai is just about the most somber, restrained individual this particular division has ever seen."
- "That may be the most horrifying thing I've ever heard."
- Then there's this...
"None may know where Ken-Chan goes. He is wild and mysterious, and his ways are the darkest of secrets. He comes and goes like the wind." Yachiru said dramatically.Meanwhile…"WHOOOO!" Zaraki shouted, waving an empty bottle of saké. "Barkeep, get me another one! My lady here's thirsty!"
- "If I hadn't taken the Hippocratic Oath, I would make you eat your own kidneys."
- The Hell Butterfly. Just... the Hell Butterfly.
- Turn left!
- Rangiku's attempt at bringing order. Doesn't go as planned.
- The suggestions of the brain trust. One of whom isn't even there.
- Maki-maki's assessment of the Eleventh Division, as well as the flashback that goes with it.
- The plan of Rangiku Matsumoto, Mistress of Treachery. It began, like all great plans do, with cheese...
- Turn left!
- Hitsugaya negotiating with Yachiru to get her to follow him.
- Zaraki's Training from Hell.
- The whole conversation between Rukia and Hitsugaya. Especially Hitsugaya explaining recent events, Billy Mays-style.
- The entire conversation with Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Hitsugaya, especially the part about the weasels.
- Hisagi tries to figure out what to do with Yachiru.
- Five words: Giant. Bag. Filled. With. Ice.
- Mayuri gets a great big bag of pure karma. Or rather, great little bag.
- Byakuya's condition for helping Hitsugaya. While maintaining prefect dignity.
- Soi Fon's idea for dealing with the situation, and her following reaction when Hitsugaya touches her kitty plushie.
- And Rangiku's method of trying to prove his innocence.
- Mayuri. Lab. That is all.
Mayuri: "WHY DO THINGS THAT WOULD BE FITTING PUNISHMENT FOR EVIL PEOPLE ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?"
- Kyouraku's assumption of what the problem is.
- And the discussion of the various rumors that have sprung up, and Hitsugaya's new nickname.
- Byakuya's opinion on Ichigo. Especially the part about what will happen to him should he get too close to Rukia.
- Why the Eleventh Division hasn't killed themselves off by now.
- The introduction of Orihime in its entirety.
- Hitsugaya's reaction to Orihime's... "lunch".
- Hitsugaya: OH GOD, IT'S BURNING MY EYEBALLS OUT!
- Toshiro convincing Ichigo to help him against the Eleventh Division, and then getting frustrated and leaving because of Ichigo's bankai power up taking so long and causing so much destruction.
- Matsumoto's battle plan against the drunken oven-cult. And the execution. Which results in her replacing the oven as god, and using her new cult for snacks. Hilarious in Context, I assure you.
- The "cheesy 80's theme music" makes its appearance.
- The Eleventh division's "Holy Crusade".
- Orihime's completely deadpan reaction to Byakuya's fear of Yachiru.
- Orihime: She's, like, ten years old.
- Hitsugaya's insistence that what they are planning isn't kidnapping - only to stop and realize he basically gave the dictionary definition of the word.
- Byakuya subtly manages to get Orihime to go through with their plan by offering to hook Rukia up with an Arranged Marriage to clear Orihime's way to Ichigo. And his first choice was Oomaeda. Which Orihime managed to talk him out of.
- When Zaraki wants to find out what's going on, he finds somebody who knows what's going on and asks. Sometimes he asks pretty hard.
- Rangiku's explanation of how and why she turned the entire Eleventh division into her drunken cult. He's so impressed he becomes her High Priest.
- Hitsugaya: So… this may sound a little odd, but did either of you just get the feeling that something has gone horribly, irreparably WRONG?
- Rukia's reaction to Byakuya's planned Arranged Marriage. Which Ichigo noticed from several blocks away. Although, that might have something to do with the Empathic Environment.
- "Oh, well done, Captain. You made our strategic genius cry."
- The update on the gossip situation. From BYAKUYA, of all people.
- Also, apparently the 'Hitsu-playa' and 'Hitsugaya being gay' rumors have merged into one, resulting in the entire Soul Society thinking he's a bisexual man-whore.
- The check-up on Ikkaku and Yumichika, who are really, really bored, and are playing darts because they figure it's a better idea than getting mixed up with Matsumoto's cult.
- Hitsugaya's Matsumoto-is-in-trouble sense is tingling! Cue the Gilligan Cut.
- Hitsugaya finally comes across Yachiru and decides screw strategy, he's just going to kill her. Which rapidly snowballs out of hand.
- Hitsugaya gets put in time out for Breaking the Fourth Wall too many times in one chapter.
- Rukia arrives. She isn't happy.
- Hitsugaya: Wasn't the sun out a second ago?
- Matsumoto's cult decides to hold a revolution to replace Yamamoto with Ukitake, because everybody likes him better anyway. And afterwards, they're getting pizza!
- Kiyone and Sentarou's reaction to finding out there's a revolution to install Ukitake as the Captain-Commander - is to run to him and beg to join. Of course, it didn't help that he had absolutely no idea said revolution was going on.
- The reason why the alarm hasn't been sounded is because it caused the entire Soul Society arc.
- The start of Soi Fon's reign of madness.
- Byakuya's message to Rukia. It's so blunt and tactless even Yachiru thought it was kind of heartless.
- Byakuya and Rukia decide to stay out of the madness that's going on outside - by refusing to admit anything is going on outside.
- Momo diffuses Hitsugaya's anger - only to have Orihime set him off again.
- "WHAT DID YOU TWO SAY TO HIM?" Momo screamed, as she, Orihime, and Ukitake ran for their lives from the enraged Hitsugaya."I don't know! I'm sorry! I don't know! I'm sorry!" Orihime said hysterically, on the verge of tears.
- Ukitake attempts to stop the revolution. It doesn't work.
- The argument between Shunsui and Old Man Genocide:
- Yamamoto: … Shunsui. I must say, this is surprising. And it has done more to show me the strength of your conviction than any tantrum or act of foppishness could possibly have done. It has certainly made me respect your opinion more.
Shunsui: So… so you’re going to listen to me?
Yamamoto: No. I still respect MY opinion more than yours… but not as much as previously. Well done. ALL FORCES, CHARGE!
Shunsui: Son of a bitch!
- Hitsugaya single-handedly stops the rebellion.
- Hitsugaya tells Rangiku her acts have been basically unforgivable - then immediately forgives her the minute he hears 'Zaraki'.
- "Why should I? Rangiku, you tried to destroy my home, basically on a whim. I can't forgive this, ever. Under any circumstances." Hitsugaya said in a dull, dead sort of voice."But it was all just a ploy to get free liquor and pretzels until Captain Zaraki showed up, and then it all just…""I forgive you." Hitsugaya said, looking considerably happier instantly.
- Now that the revolution's been stopped, everything will be just peachy! Riiiiiiiight.
- The forces of Hueco Mundo try to figure out how to deal with Hitsugaya challenging their entire army to a duel:
- "Well, I hate to be the one who suggests the boring, obvious solution, but... why don't we just kill him?" Gin asked.
"We can't just kill him." Aizen said impatiently. "What if he has some sort of horrible, brain-eating insanity virus? Killing him could release it into the atmosphere, and then where would we be? Can you imagine if all our Arrancar got infected and started acting like that?" he asked, pointing at Hitsugaya, who, upon noticing that he was once again the center of attention, drew his sword and began to issue another series of grandiose death threats.
"... we'd have a whole bunch of Grimmjows?" Gin responded.
"I HEARD THAT!" Grimmjow roared from his place in the crowd.
Exactly! And that would be a disaster! Just having ONE Grimmjow already decreases our efficiency immensely; if we had an army of them we'd never get anything done! All the time we've spent getting all these Arrancar will be wasted if they all turn into useless psychos like Grimmjow!"
"OH, SCREW ALL YOU GUYS!" Grimmjow said, leaving to go find something to kick.
- In-denial!Momo's reasoning for going with the rescue team.
- Aizen planned everything - or so he tried to tell Gin. Gin doesn't buy it.
- Ikkaku get Yumichika to go along with them - by threatening to have Zaraki ''promote him''. And it works.
- Aizen and the Arrancar make a...strategic error in restraining their captive
- "… did ANYONE remember to take his sword from him when we got the shackles on him?"
The air in the room cooled noticably.
"We just put it back in the sheathe on his back, didn't we?" Aizen asked sadly.
- On that note, it takes them THREE TIMES to get Toshiro chained up, and each time they suffer more and worse losses. "Strategic" nothing!
- Matsumoto, Momo, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Yachiru are disguised as Arrancar. When Grimmjow asks for their names, Matsumoto says the following:
- "My name is… Los Basso Tempo. These are my friends G-Fred, Desklamp Panzermeister, Abdul, and Paolita."
* Grimmjow's reaction?"Well, those are all Arrancar names. I guess you pass."
- Mr. Whiskery's... 'evil plan'.
Mr. Whiskery: I sought to destroy your precious teeth, leaving you unable to chew! Then you would not be able to eat anything, and since the average Japanese diet includes a large percentage of seafood, all the fish you didn't get to eat would be MINE! I would be the best-fed talking hallucinatory cat in all the land!
- Followed by Hitsugaya's new plan.
- Kyoraku is getting mauled by a small berserk ninja woman while Yamamoto and Ukitake-in woman's clothes due to Kyoraku-looking for an opening and when one appears?
- "It seemed like a really small opening. I doubt I could have managed an effective attack in such a short time while wearing these restrictive woman's clothes." Ukitake said, a frankly demonic smirk on his face.
"I just didn't feel like moving." Yamamoto admitted.
- Yachiru's reaction to being faced down with Aizen, the man who brought Soul Society to its knees, defected with two other captains, assumed command of the Hollows, and is trying to make himself God:
- Arrancar therapy, in its entirety. From Grimmjow and Nnoitra somehow drawing completely (il)logical conclusions completely unrelated to what the therapist said, Starrk and Zommari being... themselves, and Barragan demanding to be called "your majesty" after every sentence. Every part of the therapy is one large CMOF.
- Why would the Arrancar even have a therapist to begin with? Here's why:
- "You know how sometimes, [Aizen] screws with our heads for no reason? I think this was one of those times." The therapist said. "My point is, I'm barely qualified to offer psychological advice to people who don't actually need it. You people… you're all lunatics. I'm just a normal Arrancar. I get up in the morning, I put my pants on one leg at a time, I feast on the souls of the innocent, I go to sleep at night. I'm not equipped to deal with you lunatics!"
- The ongoing fight between Matsumoto and Halibel about being Hitsugaya's second-in-command.
- Halibel: "I will, of course, be his third seat. Which means that, should something unfortunate happen to you, I would be promoted to become his wife."Hitsugaya: "Vice-captain."Halibel: "Vice-captain. But of course, that is unlikely. What, after all, are the chances that you will be murdered?"Matsumoto: "Captain Hitsugaya, I suddenly feel unsafe…"
- The true reason behind Aaronerio's suckage in battle:
- Aaronerio:"I don't have feelings of inferiority! Why, I am a full-fledged Espada, and I am the only Arrancar with the power of limitless evolution! By devouring other Hollows, I have acquired over 30,000 distinct powers!"Therapist:"Oh? What are some of them?"Aaronerio:"I have the full power of the Shinigami Kaien Shiba! Also I have tentacles! Also, I have 29,998 other powers!"Therapist:"… that was oddly nonspecific."Aaronerio:"You are oddly nonspecific!"Therapist:"What?"Aaronerio:"Your mom is oddly nonspecific!"Therapist:"What are you talking about?"Aaroniero:*Starting to cry* "All right! I admit it! Every single Hollow I've ever eaten has only had the power to have tentacles! Kaien is actually the only real power I really have!"
- This exchange:
- Aizen:"I want you to appreciate this, Toshiro, because… while I would have killed you eventually anyway, just because you're a Captain and none of you have place in my new world order… never before would I have enjoyed it so much."
Hitsugaya:"You have no idea how little comfort that provides me."
- Kyouraku's power taken to the (il)logical extreme:
- "Well?" Soi Fon snapped."Best eleven out of twenty.""Dammit!""Also, how many people do we need to play soccer?"
- In which Yammy is left paralyzed by an insidious logic puzzle:
- "Anyway, I'm probably not going to die. If it were just one Espada, sure, but I really doubt all of them together could coordinate themselves enough to successfully accomplish anything. It's like ninjas, where the fewer ninjas you have the better they are?"
"That's pretty big talk from someone who's bite-sized, you..." Yammy began.
Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Yammy fell silent "I... but... we... woodchucks? How much? I don't... but the wood is..." He said, his mind seemingly overwhelmed by this vast new influx of data. He began to count out something on his fingers.
- And he gets a number as an answer.
- The end of Kyoraku and Soi Fon's game:
"Huh… looks like you win!" Kyoraku said. "Okay… Katen Kyokotsu says 'game over'. … Wait, what? You can't be serious. That is the last round? But wait, I lost. What are you going to do?" He asked.Instantly, his own sword's blade shifted and warped like liquid, before ramming itself through his chest.Nobody said anything for a little while after that."I hate you, sword." Kyoraku grumbled, passing out.
- Where we see Komamura eating lunch at home, its his first non dream appearance all story.
- Far, far away in his pleasant home in the Seireitei, Komamura sat down to eat lunch. He was sure that someone would have told him if anything urgent was going on, after all.
- Made even funnier when you remember that the only reason he wasn't in the story before is because no one remembers where he lives.
"Yammy, think of clouds."
- During Aizen's monologue:
"Wait!" Zaraki said. "This is making me dizzy. Could you just tell us the rest of your plan? I'm sick of jumping in and out of flashbacks."
- Aizen planned everything...
Hitsugaya: "What about the part in the middle there, where Yachiru drove you halfway insane and then you got run over by a worm and fell through every floor in your fortress and got chewed on by a Menos?""... Complete Hypnosis." Aizen said, with just the slightest twitch of fury in his eye.
- How much everyone cares for Aizen's so-called plot.
- Gin's re-defection back to Soul Society, the "fact" that Aizen made him do it, and everyone's reactions.
- Aizen's plan to break the fourth wall, hit the pieces with a chainhammer, and dance on the sawdust.
- And how everyone plays (or tries to play) this to their advantage.
- The "cheesy 80's theme music" returns with Aizen taking full advantage of it to use against Yamamoto.
- SUPER AIZEN BUSTER
Yamamoto: "Oh, that attack name is just stupid..."
- Hitsugaya and company sending out The Dark Lord Wolfington, Master of Chaos (who is totally not Komamura in weird armor) to fight Aizen.
- When Hitsugaya pulls a Barehanded Blade Block against Aizen out of nowhere.
Aizen: How did you do that? There is no way you should have been able to do that!Hitsugaya: I don't know! My hand just... moved by itself!Aizen: This... this is... This makes no sense! And give me back my sword!Hitsugaya: No! You're just going to stab me with it!Aizen: You wanted me to!Hitsugaya: I didn't want you to, I had just given up on life!Aizen: Give up again, then!Hitsugaya: No! I have magic sword catching powers! That's a good reason to live!
- Komamura is a man of science:
Dark Lord Wolfington raised one hand, and said, "Ultra Wolf Gravity Crusher Bomb!" A swirling orb of pure black chaos erupted from the palm of his hand, blotting out the sun with absolute evil.
Aizen stared at this for a few moments in absolute silence, as the dark energy whirled madly through the air.
Finally, he said, "What the Hell does gravity have to do with wolves?"
Komamura shrugged. "The way I see it, that information is really more relevant to someone who isn't about to be hit with a giant black death-ball."
"… okay, you may have a point. But I maintain that wolf-gravity makes absolutely no sense. I mean, wolves don't have gravity powers."
Dark Lord Wolfington considered this briefly. "Well, let's consider this from a more logical perspective, then, if you're so adamant on this fact. You're a man of science."
"Well, of course. I'm always open to experimentation, study, analysis. They are, honestly, my passion." Aizen said. "I have far more concern and respect for the scientific method and the powers it can bring to those willing to work in…"
"If I hit you with this giant ball of gravity, and it doesn't hurt, then wolves don't really have gravity powers. But if it does hurt, then you're clearly wrong and I do have super wolf gravity powers." Dark Lord Wolfington said.
"… … … … I don't like this experiment." Aizen said.
- Hitsugaya and Nanao happily completing paperwork together.
- "Ing Uramihci." Except for his smile.
- Tia Halibel Notahollow is definitely not a hollow. She can't possibly be one with that kind of family name.