Some Things Shouldn't Be A Chore
- Steve is concerned about people leaving their clothes and garbage around the tower even though Tony has a cleaning service. So inevitably:
“Look, Steve, they're grown adults, and super heroes, and very diverse personalities. What're you going to do, call a family meeting and explain that you're instituting chores or you're cutting off our allowance?”[...]Tony's head snapped up, and he realized Steve was grinning at him. A full-on, lots of bright white teeth, happy as a clam grin. Tony's stomach did a nosedive. “No,” he said. “No. Absolutely not, Steven Rogers, this is my house and I am not allowing you to do this, I absolutely forbid you from doing this, do you hear me?”
- Better than that are the things that wind up on the chart:
Water plants, run dishwasher, fill bird feeder, sweep kitchen floor, make popcorn for Movie Night, Sunday breakfast, collect dirty dishes from common rooms, bring towels to the laundry pick up, call Pepper, make grocery list, clean coffee maker, the list of stupid went on and on[...]Tony sighed. “And why is 'call Pepper' on that list?”“Someone calls her every week, might as well make it official,” Coulson explained. He sounded way too amused by this.“Why are people calling Pepper?” Tony asked, and everyone looked at him as if he was a very slow child, and it was very hard not to stomp his foot and steal their dumb chart. He had access to high explosives and flame throwers. This thing would die. It would die a fiery death.Taking advantage of the distraction, Clint was writing in 'Feed Hawkeye' on a blank line, and Natasha took the marker out of his hand. He made a grab for it, but she knew him too well and swept his feet out from under him with a flick of her leg. He stumbled backwards and Thor caught him, laughing. Natasha wrote 'Coulson's problem' on the line next to his suggestion.
“This is stupid,” he snapped out, knowing that he was being childish and still not being able to stop.Clint rolled his eyes, and leaned over the chart. “I'm adding, 'Stark Hugging Duty,' because someone has been in a damn mood for days.”
- Tony's thoughts on the chart, and Clint's thoughts on Tony's thoughts on the chart:
- It should be noted that the Roombas, which serve as a running gag for the rest of the series and actually set off the plot in Ordinary Workplace Hazards, come about in this story only because Stark get's 'sweeping' as his chore on Steve's chore chart. His response? Buying half a hundred robotic vacuum cleaners and then wiring them all into a hive mind of robot dirt-locusts that is, at the best of times, merely disquieting to everyone around them save Clint.
- Whatever the reason that Coulson isn't allowed to choose his living quarters anymore, it involves a pizza delivery boy, exploding arrows, a magic spell, anchovies and a bottle of illegal moonshine.And Clint.
“In my defense,” was as far as Clint got before Coulson smacked him upside the back of the head.
- Calcifer the toaster, and everything involving him.
“New appliance, let me explain how things work around here,” Tony said, heading for the fridge. “If you do not cultivate a lovable personality, I will gift you to SHIELD and you will be stuck in the break room designated for the most junior of the agents, the dumb ones that still think Coulson is an android of some sort.” Tony leaned down so he was face to box with the toaster. “The sort of traumatized and stupid children who will try to stuff an entire blueberry muffin into your slots.”There was a long silence, then the toaster made a popping noise. “Yeah, that's what I thought,”
- Including Clint attempting to negotiate with him to get a bagel, and when that fails Eggos, and still losing.
- How Tony manages to get Calcifer to cooperate:
- Thor surfing on Roombas using Phil Coulson's ironing board. While wearing an apron. A My Little Pony apron, gifted to him by Darcy.
- The aftermath of Tony using the Roombas to take down a supervillain. "So, that happened."
“A villain has a giant mass of robotic vacuum cleaners that he can sic on his enemies. A super villain gives them the ability to fly.”
- Apparently the whole thing caused trained SHIELD agents to either throw up, scream, or cry.
“The screaming was really...” Bruce shuddered. “The screaming was something.”“I wouldn't know, I turned off my auditory input,” Tony said. “Look, he could still be alive, right?”(Coulson:) "R&D is pretty sure he is actually."“No fuckin' way,” Tony said before he could stop himself, and Thor was grinning at him, and Clint was laughing out loud and Steve had his face buried in his hands. “So, uh, that being said, what's the problem?”“Getting him back OUT of a hundred robotic vacuum cleaners,” Coulson said. “That and the screaming.”“It wasn't that-”“Howls of the damned, Stark,” Barton said. “Like, seriously. Howls of the damned.”
- This exchange:
- “Get the toaster to stop lighting things on fire, then I'll discuss the Roomba babies.”
- The entire scene where Tony calls Pepper in the middle of the night to try to convince her to buy iRobot (the company that hold's the patent for the Roombas) for him.
Ordinary Workplace Hazards
- Clint's fierce protectiveness of the Roombas is always good for a few laughs, especially when it conflicts with Phil's utter hatred of them.
- Fury orders Clint into the air vents to check for the Roombas. Clint, being Clint, can't let this go without comment.
“Wait,” Clint said, eyes narrowing. “Are you giving me permission to go into the air ducts? Didn't you say that you'd sell me to trolls for soup stock if you ever caught me in there again (...) You just said you couldn't CATCH me in there, not that I couldn't GO in there, there is a world of difference between these two things, Jesus, sir, you should know that semantics are everything in this business.” Clint rocked on his heels, every muscle in his body suddenly tense in that 'I'm going to get to have fun' way that he so loved. “But now you're... You're not just giving me permission. You are ordering me.” Clint braced the fingers of one hand on his forehead, eyes closed, as he held his other palm towards Fury, as if he was overwhelmed, and maybe some small, childish part of him was. “I'm afraid I'm going to need you to state that order a little more clearly, sir, just so that there is no confusion later.”
- "When this is over, I'm trading him to the CIA for a paper shredder."
- "Don't be ridiculous, sir. We could at least get a surveillance van for him."
- "When this is over, I'm trading him to the CIA for a paper shredder."
- Clint takes advantage of him and Tony ending up crammed in a closet together (It Makes Sense in Context) to make Steve think they're having sex. It goes downhill from there.
- The fact that every SHIELD employee has a card with the contingency plan in case of Tony turning into a supervillain.
- Except Steve.
- Of course not. You don't warn the bait.
- Except Steve.
- "Why does everyone think that no one was having sex in the forties?"
- Clint is stuck in an alternate dimension that doubles as a rubbish heap, with no way to contact backup and no way out. So what does he do? Finds a crown and scepter, and declares the place the nation of Bartonia.
"I am a fucking boss at negotiation."
- He then sells it to Stark Industries for a lifetime supply of Swedish Fish, craft beer and the rights to drive any of Tony's cars whenever he wants.
- Tony teaches the Roombas to speak. And to speak certain phrases around certain people. They quote Men In Black to Coulson.
“Morning, Clint, morning, Phil, morning, Calcifer, morning, Roombas.”“Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeve,” the Roombas chorused and Steve made an undignified squeaking noise, backpedaling like he was in fear of his life. —>They followed.
Reasons For Kidnapping Tony Stark
- Clint gets a truly epic one while he and the other Avengers are arguing with Fury about whether or not they should be personally involved in the rescue effort:
Clint: "Sir? All due respect? We're going to go looking. We're going to go looking for the building that is ON FIRE. The one that is sliding into the ocean. The one that is missing three walls, a floor and part of a load bearing bathroom stall. The one that is surrounded by angry villagers waving pitchforks and torches and chunks of exploded robots."We're going to look for the warehouse where the bad guys are being mauled by their own machinery, and the evil lair that is melting into a pool of toxic Jell-O. We're going to find the underwater dome filled with angry blenders with self-esteem issues and a thirst for human flesh. The tropical island that now has giant mechanical legs that are carrying it along straight to jail."We'll follow the screams and the smell of homemade napalm and the reports of gigantic coffee purchases, and any and all of that will lead us straight to Tony Stark, because he is a crazy ass son of a bitch who is probably cackling like a maniac right now, and the fucking morons who were dumb enough to snatch him are wailing and regretting that they ever bought a Kurig coffee machine."
Clint: "No, seriously, sir, I would prefer to be stuck in a wet sack with Dr. Doom and half a dozen angry honey badgers than deal with Stark in full on caffeine withdrawal."Fury:“That's a vivid mental picture I did not need, Agent,”
- Which is all right before this:
- Justin Hammer is in the vicinity when Tony disappears, and SHIELD has him taken in. Shortly thereafter, Clint has this little talk with Steve:
“Coulson seems to think someone rattled Hammer's cage last night. Natasha was down on guard duty, so she's off the hook. That pretty much means me.” He saluted Steve with his cup.“Really.” Steve put his sandwich down. “Clint, I-”“He caught me coming out of Hammer's room,” Clint explained. “You know how these things go, caught at the scene of the crime. Really not in question.” He picked up his sandwich. “Totally what I had planned, but the guy was a babbling mess when I walked in. Weird. I think he's just a mess, and we didn't notice a few little panicky elements since, you know, no one gives a damn. But Coulson seems to think someone worked him over. So I got written up.”“Clint, I'm-”Clint held up a hand. “No skin off my teeth. Or,” he said, holding up the hand that was cradling his sandwich, “my knuckles. Unlike some, I don't have an expedited healing factor.” He took a bite, and another, chewing fast. “You know what I think? I think that people who heal fast? Sometimes they aren't as careful as they ought to be. Because usually they don't have to be careful.”Steve stared down at his plate, his stomach churning. “Clint-”Clint gave him a look. “Shut. UP.” He snagged the spoon from his coffee and stabbed it at Steve. “Dumbass idiots with healing abilities need to be more fucking careful. Dumbass idiots with healing factors need to leave the dirty work to people who are already dirty because dumbass idiots with healing factors are fucking lousy at making sure they have a fucking cover story.”Steve gaped at him. “Clint-”Clint came up out of his seat so fast that Steve didn't even have to react. Clint slapped him upside the head. “Dumbass.” He dropped back into his seat and went back to his sandwich.
A tray was dropped next to him, and Steve looked over to find Natasha glaring down at him along the length of her nose. She opened her mouth. Closed it. Slapped Steve on the side of the head. “Dumbass,” she said, and lowered herself into the seat with the ease, the regal grace of a princess.
- Which is then followed by:
“So maybe,” Steve said, glancing from one to the other, “next time, the dumbass should be included in your plans, because no one suspects the dumbass.”
- Which is then followed by:
There was a beat of nothing and then a hand glanced off the back of his head. “Dumbass,” Coulson told him.“Hey, that'-” Clint grinned as he got the same. “That's better. Jesus. Starting to think you didn't like me any more.”
- Which is then followed by:
- Dancing aliens
Dating the Long Way Around
- Apparently every single superhero and supervillain in the New York area knows about the Avengers' movie night.
- This leads to everyone Steve and Tony encounter that night asking what in the world they are doing away from the tower.
- Stephen Strange's reaction to the fact that Tony and Steve are out on a date?
Strange blinked. Looked at him. Looked at Steve, who gave a little nod. “Ah. Congratulations,” Strange said to Tony. To Steve, he added, “My deepest sympathies.”
- Gambit apparently shows up at Avengers' poker nights uninvited to steal ash trays.
- Rhodey is the reason Tony wound up in red bikini briefs in Four or Five Reasons.
“His bots malfunctioned.”“They didn't malfunction, you were wearing armor, they remove armor, you got too close-”“That does not explain why they took my pants!”
Hollow Your Bones
- While Hollow Your Bones tends to be Darker and Edgier than some of the other parts, there is one funny moment near the end, where we get to see exactly what caused Phil and Clint to know that there are cameras in the medical wing.
Coulson's Files of the Toasterverse
- Almost every single story under Coulson's Files ends up with a short letter to Fury about the incident. And they usually end with Coulson apologizing.
Phil Coulson is Not the Avengers' Public Relations Manager
- 'No,Tony-ing' (used when Tony gets an idea about how to 'improve' a household appliance) is apparently Steve's job.
- Loki has a Facebook page. So does Dr. Doom. They use them to chat. Mostly about their mutual enjoyment of Marmaduke comics.
- When Steven can't quite figure out his phone, he enlists help from two guys at a local protest. The one named Drew promptly declares, upon identifying the object in question as the new Stark Phone, that he would very much like to have sex with it.
- This exchange is both heartwarming and hilarious:
Steve: “Thanks for the consideration, and I'm trying not to take offense here, I really am, but if I had an issue with where I currently was standing, I'm old enough to move. I don't have any problem with being photographed here, in fact, give me a dang sign, and I'll be photographed holding that, and it's kind of insulting you think that I would have a problem with being photographed here,” he said, shoulders tight. “I think that denying any American citizen a basic right of any kind is just an EMBARRASSMENT for everything that this country stands for, and the sooner we get over this sort of exclusionary political nonsense, the better.”Drew stared at him. “I want to hug you. You are the most adorable human being in the entire world,” he said, at last.
- This exchange, shortly after Tony arrives on the scene:
“Yeah, but-” Tony froze. “There's something on my leg.” He glanced down, and yes, Drew was hugging his knee, his body leaning against Tony's leg.“I love you,” Drew said, and Tony started laughing.“He tried to have sexual relations with my phone,” Steve explained as Shawn, bright red and stammering, tried to pry Drew loose without doing irreparable damage to Tony or his pants..“That is the correct response to my tech,” Tony said, stabbing a finger in Steve's direction.
- Tony apparently sneaks in to Steve's room at night to secretly replace and/or upgrade his phone to mess with him.
- Steve withholds coffee from Tony. This is Tony's response:
“Fine,” Tony huffed, but he was grinning. “Fine, see if I upgrade your phone again.”“Is... Is that supposed to be an inducement? Because I hate it when you upgrade my phone.”“I see how it is. Okay, I demand coffee or I will upgrade your phone.”
- When an equal marriage rights protester tries to tell Steve that it isn't his fight to worry about, he says this:
Steve: “Even if it wasn't my fight-” And Steve wasn't so sure about that sometimes, because, well, Tony did things to him. “I have friends. People whom I trust with my life. And it bothers me that they don't get this choice. Their fight is my fight.”Tony glanced over, his teeth flashing in a grin. “Those two,” he said, his tone very stern, “cannot get married. Even if it was mandatory. No. Not allowed. That ceremony would be horrific.” He paused, pulled his buzzing phone from his pocket and checked it. “Well, screw you, too!” he said, his voice loud enough to carry, and held it out to Steve.“Screw you,” the text message said. “My wedding would be fucking magical, Stark!”“Where-” Steve started“In a tree or something, God only knows, do not encourage him.”
- When asked by a reporter if he thinks legalizing gay marriage lessens the institution of marriage, Tony responds thusly:
Tony: “Really, are we doing this here? Really? Fine. No. I don't care. Let me be flat honest with you, I don't care. I don't understand why you care. You know what I think when my AI tells me I have six wedding invitations in the day's mail? Let me tell you, it's not, 'I wonder what gender and sexual orientation the participants are,' it's 'son of a bitch, I hope these registries are not as nauseating as the last batch, I refuse to buy any more fucking chafing dishes, I do not need that nonsense on my credit card bill, it is ruining my dastardly name.'”
- When the reporter asks Steve if he really wants to back a sexually charged movement, Steve bursts out with “You know, people did have sex in the 1940's, in all its incarnations, it's not like this is a modern invention, and the country is doing just fine.” Needless to say, he is almost immediately mortified by his own outburst.
- Steve vetoed Tony's first choice of protest sign, which was "EVERYONE'S gay for Captain America!"
- Coulson asks where Tony got the martini he's holding in the picture in the article, and he explains that when you're a Stark, martinis are just naturally occurring.
"You just look around and boom, martini.” He looked around. “Case in point!” Humming under his breath, he headed for his personal bar.
- Part moment of funny and part moment of awesome, Coulson informs Clint that he got a report about a bunch of right leaning news vehicles with holes in their tires. Clint feigns innocence. Coulson doesn't buy it for a second.
- Upon hearing this, Steve tries to defend free press. His protests are shot down by everybody.
- Tony claims that he's stays calm about all the horrible things Fox News says about him by prank calling Rupert Murdoch and photoshopping his face onto kittens.
- Coulson has conspiracy sites dedicated to him that claim he's a ghost, an android, an alien, or secretly the president.
Phil Coulson Does Not Bake (and The Avengers Do Not Shop At IKEA Anymore)
- As in Some Things Shouldn't Be a Chore, Tony's call to Pepper is nothing short of hilarious.
“He says he's not speaking to me again until they're commercially available.”Pepper's stomach dropped. “No.”“Pepper...”“No. Absolutely not. Stark Industries is not going to go into the food business so that Captain America will speak to you again. No.There's no chance-”“I started the paperwork today to set up a small company-”“Son-of-a-bitch!” Pepper tossed the coffee cup in the trash and just grabbed the scotch bottle.
- When Pepper asks him to explain the situation to her the way he'd explain it to a drunk Thor, Tony responds with "I don't have words that small."
- Tony can't tell Pepper about the meatball incident at IKEA, because he's still under an NDA.
- Fourteen words: “You accidentally created consumer demand for a non-existent product while trying to tease Steve.”
- The condition for Steve's forgiveness:
- Tony can't get insurance because anything Thor breaks is considered destroyed via act of God, as opposed to an act of a god.
- Coulson has appointments:
“Blow them off!” Tony told him.“Appointments with the regional management of IKEA.”Everyone in the room winced.
- Tony leaves the cookies unattended. Only to discover Clint in a cookie coma and all the cookies gone.
“I didn't even eat that many,” Clint mumbled. “Thor ate most of them. He's under the table.”“BETRAYER!” the table thundered. “VILE FIEND!”
- The various attempts to determine whether or not Spider-Man is essentially working as a pole-dancer.
Clint: I need you to go to a strip club and sniff a male stripper to see if its one of our teammates."There was a long moment of silence.Logan: You know, this ain't even the worst call I've gotten on an official Avengers line. That should tell you something Barton.Clint: We're a special, special team Wolverine.
- After all the attempts to find out fail, Clint decides enough is enough and calls in a favor
Phil Coulson Knows Tony Stark's Super Villain Name
- Someone at SHIELD thought that it would be a good idea to have a paintball battle against Tony Stark as a training exercise. They thought wrong.
“Phil, buddy, sorry. But you've gotta be taken out first. There's no other way this works. I go the villain route, and I put a bullet in you. Step one of any evil plot: kill Coulson.”“I'm flattered,” Coulson said, getting to his feet.
- Tony's first act of supervillainy is to shoot Coulson in the face. This is how he puts it:
- SHIELD agents take out an Iron Man suit...only to find it empty. Tony had released multiple decoys. He suggests over the downed suit's speakers that the remaining agents play a game of 'which suit am I wearing now?' while the jeopardy theme plays.
- Darcy won the battle. By shooting Captain America in the back to distract Tony.
- Phil and Tony arguing over who actually won after the incident mentioned above:
Phil: (smiling) “I think we can all assume that if you do decide to break with your current set of moral and legal standards, it'll be for a very good reason. And that this was a scenario no one was going to win.”Tony: “I win. I was the last one down. For a brief moment, between when [Darcy] over there shot Steve and when she shot me, I was the last man standing.”Phil: "Yes, but you needed to get Fury's nameplate in order to win, and you never even got close."Tony: “Fuck that, I won. In all the ways that would matter during combat conditions. Some trinket doesn't really-”Steve tossed the name plate onto the bar, and everyone just stared at it in silence.
- How he also got the name plate counts.