Funny / The Toasterverse
It's very hard to just pick out a few funny moments from the Toasterverse, but there are some quite outstanding ones.
Some Things Shouldn't Be A Chore
- Whatever the reason that Coulson isn't allowed to choose his living quarters anymore, it involves a pizza delivery boy, exploding arrows, a magic spell, anchovies and a bottle of illegal moonshine.And Clint.
“In my defense,” was as far as Clint got before Coulson smacked him upside the back of the head.
- Calcifer the toaster, and everything involving him.
- Including Clint attempting to negotiate with him to get a bagel, and when that fails Eggos, and still losing.
- Thor surfing on Roombas using Phil Coulson's ironing board. While wearing an apron.
- The aftermath of Tony using the Roombas to take down a supervillain. "So, that happened."
- Apparently the whole thing caused trained SHIELD agents to either throw up, scream, or cry.
“A villain has a giant mass of robotic vacuum cleaners that he can sic on his enemies. A super villain gives them the ability to fly.”
“The screaming was really...” Bruce shuddered. “The screaming was something.”
“I wouldn't know, I turned off my auditory input,” Tony said. “Look, he could still be alive, right?”
(Coulson:) "R&D is pretty sure he is actually."
“No fuckin' way,” Tony said before he could stop himself, and Thor was grinning at him, and Clint was laughing out loud and Steve had his face buried in his hands. “So, uh, that being said, what's the problem?”
“Getting him back OUT of a hundred robotic vacuum cleaners,” Coulson said. “That and the screaming.”
“It wasn't that-”
“Howls of the damned, Stark,” Barton said. “Like, seriously. Howls of the damned.”
- “Get the toaster to stop lighting things on fire, then I'll discuss the Roomba babies.”
- The entire scene where Tony calls Pepper in the middle of the night to try to convince her to buy iRobot (the company that hold's the patent for the Roombas) for him.
Ordinary Workplace Hazards
- Clint's fierce protectiveness of the Roombas is always good for a few laughs, especially when it conflicts with Phil's utter hatred of them.
- Fury orders Clint into the air vents to check for the Roombas. Clint, being Clint, can't let this go without comment.
“Wait,” Clint said, eyes narrowing. “Are you giving me permission to go into the air ducts? Didn't you say that you'd sell me to trolls for soup stock if you ever caught me in there again (...) You just said you couldn't CATCH me in there, not that I couldn't GO in there, there is a world of difference between these two things, Jesus, sir, you should know that semantics are everything in this business.” Clint rocked on his heels, every muscle in his body suddenly tense in that 'I'm going to get to have fun' way that he so loved. “But now you're... You're not just giving me permission. You are ordering me.” Clint braced the fingers of one hand on his forehead, eyes closed, as he held his other palm towards Fury, as if he was overwhelmed, and maybe some small, childish part of him was. “I'm afraid I'm going to need you to state that order a little more clearly, sir, just so that there is no confusion later.”
- "When this is over, I'm trading him to the CIA for a paper shredder."
- "Don't be ridiculous, sir. We could at least get a surveillance van for him."
- Clint takes advantage of him and Tony ending up crammed in a closet together (It Makes Sense in Context) to make Steve think they're having sex. It goes downhill from there.
- The fact that every SHIELD employee has a card with the contingency plan in case of Tony turning into a supervillain.
- Except Steve.
- Of course not. You don't warn the bait.
- "Why does everyone think that no one was having sex in the forties?"
- Clint is stuck in an alternate dimension that doubles as a rubbish heap, with no way to contact backup and no way out. So what does he do? Find a crown and scepter, and declare the place the nation of Bartonia.
- He then sells it to Stark Industries for a lifetime supply of Swedish Fish, craft beer and the rights to drive any of Tony's cars whenever he wants.
"I am a fucking boss at negotiation."
- Tony teaches the Roombas to speak. And to speak certain phrases around certain people. They quote Men In Black to Coulson.
“Morning, Clint, morning, Phil, morning, Calcifer, morning, Roombas.”
- “Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeve,” the Roombas chorused and Steve made an undignified squeaking noise, backpedaling like he was in fear of his life. They followed.
Reasons For Kidnapping Tony Stark
Dating the Long Way Around
- Apparently every single superhero and supervillain in the New York area knows about the Avengers' movie night.
- This leads to everyone Steve and Tony encounter that night asking what in the world they are doing away from the tower.
Hollow Your Bones
- While Hollow Your Bones tends to be Darker and Edgier than some of the other parts, there is one funny moment near the end, where we get to see exactly what caused Phil and Clint to know that there are cameras in the medical wing.
Coulson's Files of the Toasterverse
- Almost every single story under Coulson's Files ends up with a short letter to Fury about the incident. And usually end with Coulson apologizing.
- The various attempts to determine whether or not Spider-Man is essentially working as a pole-dancer.
- After all the attempts to find out fail, Clint decides enough is enough and calls in a favor
Clint: I need you to go to a strip club and sniff a male stripper to see if its one of our teammates."
There was a long moment of silence.
Logan: You know, this ain't even the worst call I've gotten on an official Avengers line. That should tell you something Barton.
Clint: We're a special, special team Wolverine.
- Someone at Shield thought that it would be a good idea to have a paintball battle against Tony as a training exercise. They thought wrong.
- Darcy won the battle. By shooting Captain America in the back to distract Tony.
- Phil and Tony arguing over who actually won after the incident mentioned above:
Phil: (smiling) “I think we can all assume that if you do decide to break with your current set of moral and legal standards, it'll be for a very good reason. And that this was a scenario no one was going to win.”
Tony: “I win. I was the last one down. For a brief moment, between when [Darcy] over there shot Steve and when she shot me, I was the last man standing.”
Phil: "Yes, but you needed to get Fury's nameplate in order to win, and you never even got close."
Tony: “Fuck that, I won. In all the ways that would matter during combat conditions. Some trinket doesn't really-”
Steve tossed the name plate onto the bar, and everyone just stared at it in silence.
- How he also got the name plate counts.