The common trope way to concede defeat in vying for a girl's heart is to tell the winner that, if he ever screws up, he should expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions. Usually uttered by (or sometimes to) The Lancer or The Rival.
This establishes that the loser:
- Realizes he has lost,
- Does not give up his role as male protector or lose face for losing,
- Is decent enough to want the girl to be happy, only expressed in a guy way,
- Is holding the winner to a very high standard.
The trope thing for the winner to do is to accept this statement amicably. "I would be disappointed if you didn't." This is not (usually) an insult or a threat, but an agreement between guys who both want the same girl to be happy.
This can also be said by a parent or older brother of the girl, who is relinquishing their previous role as "main male protector." But while this is generally a male-character trope, there are plenty of exceptions (sorted by gender in the examples). There are also occasional subversions where the supposed "male protector" simply delivers a warning that the girl will kick the guy's ass if he ever betrays her.
And yes, an asskicking of epic proportions will follow should any betrayal occur.
Compare with a Declaration of Protection, which is the guy promising to the girl that she won't be hurt.
Male Warning Male
- Bleach: Though he'd apply to anyone, Hitsugaya Toshiro reminded Ichimaru Gin that should he spill one drop of blood from Hinamori Momo, he'll kill him in instant. Subverted when through Aizen's trickery, Hitsugaya ended up impaling Hinamori with his own sword.
- In Crayon Shin-chan, Georgie gets this warning from Shin, even though Hima is too young for him to be interested.
- Fruits Basket: When Kakeru asks Yuki how he'd react if he told him that he had a crush on Tohru, the latter coolly responds that it's none of his business, but warns Kakeru that hurting Tohru is "the one thing I could never forgive."
- Gravitation: A male-warning-bi-male example? Hiro, Shuichi's best friend, warns Yuki against making Shuichi cry any more than he already does.
- H2: Miyoshi says this to Hiro about Koga. However, Miyoshi is just trying to throw Hiro off, so that he can make a move on Koga.
- Medaka Box: Medaka's older brother Maguro tells Zenkichi that he'll keep Medaka away from him if he doesn't have what it takes to protect her. Later, he expresses regret for saddling such a responsibility on him.
- One Piece: Genzo, Nami's father-figure, to Luffy at the end of the Arlong Arc.
- This phrase is often repeated by Ryoga in Ranma ½. Odd thing is that he backs up this claim more than once, and often when it just looks like he did something. Also unusual in that Ryoga hasn't given Akane up yet, nor has he really been beaten.
- In Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL, Tetsuo gives this speech to Yuma when a rumor is spread that Rio (who Tetsuo has a crush on) and Yuma are an item. Being a Chaste Hero, Yuma has no idea what he is talking about.
- Tag-team variant: in the comic Excalibur, Brian and Kurt (Captain Britain and Nightcrawler) warn teammate Pete Wisdom what will happen if he hurts Kitty (fellow teammate Shadowcat) in any way:
Kurt: I'll agree to your staying with the team. But if you ever
Kurt: Hurt Kitty
Brian: I will, without hesitation, tear off your head.
Kurt: And I will spend days mocking and drawing pictures on it before teleporting it into the North Sea.
- Wolverine performs the brotherly version in the X-Men comics, after Gambit returns to the team following the blowup about his past misdeeds, warning Gambit that if he hurts Rogue again, he and Logan are going to have some sharp, pointy, adamantium words.
- An early '80s X-Men comic has Wolverine intending to beat some sense into Colossus after the latter breaks up with Kitty Pryde, but Wolvie settles for getting Colossus involved in a Bar Brawl with The Juggernaut.
- He does this again (though a platonic version) with Cable, a former rival, when he realizes that Cable means a lot to Jean, who'd just spent several years raising Baby Cable in the distant future. "Far as I'm concerned, the slate's clean between us. Just one thing. If you ever break that girl's heart, I'm gonna finish what I started in Madripoor."
- Last Child of Krypton: In chapter 3, Kaji explains to Shinji that Asuka is like his daughter, and if he does not watch out for her, he will find a way to hurt him. Shinji replies sincerely that he would never hurt her.
Kaji: She's like my daughter, boy. I expect you to watch out for her, and be a gentleman. If you don't, if there's way out there to hurt you, I'll find it.
Shinji: I would never hurt her.
- In Lilly Epilogue Family Matters, Mr. Satou, having finally conceded that Hisao is a good match for Lilly, says that he has connections to hunt him down if he does anything to harm her. Hisao wonders if he actually does have those kinds of resources at his disposal.
- In The Dragon That Will Pierce the Heavens, Aquarius gives this sort of warning to Luffy, Zoro and Nami in the Kuro Arc regarding her key-holder, Hikari.
"If any of you ever make Hikari-hime cry, I'll make the Grand Line look like a children's party."
- In Earth and Sky, when Big Macintosh notices that Applejack and Apple Bloom are developing attractions to Soarin' and Pipsqueak (respectively), he takes the latter two aside for a talk and casually mentions that he doesn't like it when any pony upsets his sisters... and also, that he can crush rocks the size of a stallion's head with his bare hooves. Soarin' is suitably scared, but Pip completely misses the point of the conversation. Pip does eventually get it twenty-eight chapters later.
- In I Won't Say, Light makes it obvious that he has a crush on L but after Mello learns that L feels the same way he takes it upon himself to give Light this warning and he manages to be quite intimidating for a 14-year old kid.
- In A Pseudo-Pseudo Suzu Route, Suzu wakes up from a narcolepsy-induced nap and eavesdrops on her best friend Miki who was saying this to Hisao.
Miki: I was starting to get worried about her for a while, but she's cheered up a lot since you've been hanging out with us. I like that. Suzu is like a little sister to me. And if I find out you've made my little sister cry...
- Mines of Dragon Mountain: When Fire Dazzler tells the Doctor he has gotten a crush on Twilight Sparkle, the Doctor decides to allow it, although he does give him this little warning.
The Doctor: If you are indeed going to try and pursue a relationship with my good dear friend Twilight, do take her feelings into consideration. She's a little awkward socially. If you in some way... distress her, I will make you very, very sorry forever. Compris?
- In the Harry Potter AU Paradise Lost Harry warns Viktor Krum when he starts dating Hermione:
Harry: Hello, Krum. While I know that I'm probably going out of bounds with this, but I just wanted to let you know that Hermione is my best mate—she's like a sister to me. So if you hurt her in any way, I'll not only hex your balls off, but I'll also make the rest of your life a living hell. Just so you know—for future reference.
- Those Who Stand for Nothing Fall for Anything: there's an understated example when Light discovers L's new boyfriend is a CIA agent and he doesn't like him very much. Later there's a more straight up example when B promises Light that if he ever does anything to hurt L he'll put his head in a pot—possibly after it's been severed from his neck.
- Set up and subverted in Flames and Twilight, when Shining Armor gives Twilight's coltfriend Flare Blitz a friendly hug on learning that the two are dating. Double Subverted when he tells him, half-jokingly, that he will have him gelded and quartered if he ever hurts her.
- The First Of Many: Shining to Ocean Floor (a member of the Royal Guard) when he picks up Twilight for their date:
Shining: Should she come home in tears, or even the least bit upset about her night out, well [dramatic pause] I would suggest not coming back to the Guard tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. If you catch my drift.
- Consistently subverted in The Nyxverse. When Twilight and Ink Spot start dating in Nightmare Night and Nyx, Shining Armor gives his "obligatory big brother greeting and death threat", but shrugs it off as a joke and says he likes the guy. And when the two become engaged in Alicornundrum, Twilight's father Night Light actually refuses to do this, stating that if he thought Ink Spot was the type of guy who might hurt Twilight, he wouldn't have let them date in the first place.
- A particularly odd example is located in this Fullmetal Alchemist collection. Ling and Greed, in their joint role as the best friend/boss of Edward Elric, feel the need to give his father one. Notably, they aren't checking with Dad regarding approval in his relationship with his son (whom they know hates him), but rather are telling him that if he keeps going as it is, he'll never make up with Edward and has probably burned the last bridge already.
- Friends Don't Let Friends involves the Hulk giving Loki this talk and threatening to smash him. A lot.
Tony: So, it turns out, don't tell secrets to a guy with a physically manifesting subconscious.
- A Spark of Ice and Fire has Agatha say this to Sandor over Tysha.
- Oh God Not Again!: Inverted. Remus is surprised that Sirius is not going to warn him about breaking Tonks's heart. Sirius replies that Tonks is old enough to take care of herself—and that she could castrate Remus far better than he ever could.
- Xander gives Robin a very brief version in The Nighthawk Chronicles when the latter starts dating one of the younger Slayers. It helps that he mentions he's already given the speech enough times to do it in his sleep, though he's usually holding the shovel he'll beat the prospective boyfriend to death with.
Xander: You. Ab. Shovel. Comprende?
- Oghren, who has developed Papa Wolf tendencies toward the Warden in Shadow and Rose, delivers a warning of this sort to her Love Interest Alistair. Alistair points out that if he ever hurt Elissa, Oghren would be part of a fairly long line of people who would want to hurt him, including Morrigan.
- Hope, in An Astral Drop in Heatherfield, delivers this matter-of-factly to Matt after he asks Will out. Susan approves fully of this sentiment.
- Back To Us has a (kinda) non-romantic one from Emerald Shell to a recently reformed Chat Noir.
Emerald Shell: If youre actually serious about helping us fix what youve done then I think I could come to trust you. Maybe. But if you screw LB over again, Im gonna take my shield and bash your skull in, got it?
- Subverted in All This Sh*t is Twice as Weird; Mahanon offers to make a threat of this sort, but Victoria vetoes it. This does not stop him from almost punching her Love Interest when he seems to have slighted her, however. Meanwhile, in the side volume The Skyhold Runner's Guide to Survival, Varric issues this as a general warning to anyone who reads the book; he notes that anyone who makes the Lady Inquisitor cry could find that it's the last thing they ever do, owing to her role as The Heart.
- Played for Drama in Two Sides of a Coin. While dying of massive radiation poisoning, Eleya's ex-fiance Jerrod Dalton threatens her current boyfriend Reshek Gaarra that he will come back from the dead and haunt him if Gaarra breaks her heart like he did.
- In Robb Returns, the Greatjon Umber takes Tyrion aside for a bit when he notices there's some attraction between him and Dacey Surestone, and makes it a point to comment everyone in the North liked Lord Surestone. He quietly warns the young Lannister that should anything untoward happen, first Ned Stark will go at him with his new, very, very heavy and sharp mace, then he will break whatever Ned leaves intact... and then Roose Bolton will take his turn.
- "Be good to her. Break her heart, and I will kill you." Fans of Dragon Age II may recognize this line as something Fenris can say to Anders. In Skyhold Academy Yearbook, he says it in the sixth installment - but this time it's played for laughs. He's giving his sister-in-law Bethany away at her wedding and says this to the groom. Everyone is tremendously amused by the scenario, especially the "you" and the "her."
- Harry Potter gives an Implied Death Threat version in For Love of Magic when a boy comes to take one of his daughters on a date. All Harry says is a mild, "I want to see her smiling." while sharpening a large battle axe.
- Charlie Weasley aims one at Harry himself in Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past.
Charlie: Look Ill say it just in case no one has spelled it out for you. You hurt her, I can hold a human-to-beef transfiguration long enough for a Horntail to digest the evidence. Im not taking the piss here, either. No. Evidence.
Harry: If I deserve it, youll have to beat her to it. Theres a trophy over the hearth you should look at.
- TRON: Endgame Scenario has a bit where Flynn gives this speech to Alan, threatening to either try to kick his ass or sign him up for a ton of junk mail if he ever hurts Lora. Alan's response is to raise an eyebrow and ask if Flynn thinks he could win the fight or break through Alan's security software. Since this is right on the heels of having seen what said security software can do and the aftereffects of an Offscreen Moment of Awesome, Flynn conceded defeat. Alan reassures Flynn there's no need to worry.
- A non-romantic example in Cross Cases- when Harry Dresden has to leave to go talk to some people, but doesn't want Sam Winchester around and also wants him under supervision, he winds up having to leave Sam with the injured Murphy. Not knowing what Sam even is at this point, he tries to get Sam to swear on his power that he won't hurt Murphy, but isn't quite convinced that it worked, so he adds a threat before he leaves.
Harry: "You hurt Karrin, an alternate reality wont be far enough to run. Understand?"
- In A Magician's Secret, Izuku warns Toshinori that if he's anything but a perfect gentleman towards Inko, no one will ever find his body.
- The Smeet Series: At Ilk and Blue's wedding, Red gives the latter a look that expresses the intent to drag him to an airlock and toss him out it if he ever hurts Ilk.
- Inverted in With This Ring, when Paul goes to meet Jade's father in jail, and warns the father that because Jade really hates him for being a horrible parent, if he ever has any contact with his family again, Paul will kill him in his sleep.
- The page quote comes from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but there it's a bit of a subversion. Niko tells Ian he's just kidding... and then threatens him again. Over and over again, including through a cut away.
- Invoked and parodied in Last Action Hero, when Danny growls at the Big Bad when he has Madison in his clutches, "If you harm one hair on her—" the Big Bad interrupts, "Hold!", deliberately plucks a hair out of her head, then snaps it in front of Danny, daring him to finish his threat.
- The film Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl has a more subtle example. Commodore Norrington, after learning that his fiancée loves the smith Will Turner, admires a sword that Will created and says that he expects him "to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life" as he does in his work; in the context of the conversation, it is obvious which aspect of Will's life he's referring to and the sword is inches from Will's face.
- In the film Shanghai Knights, after initially objecting to the idea of a relationship between his sister Lin and Roy O'Bannon (Owen Wilson), Chon Wang (Jackie Chan) accepts it, but adds, "Break her heart, I break your legs," to which Owen replies, "That's fair."
- At the start of The Godfather, Connie Corleone, sister of Sonny Corleone, marries Carlo Rizzi. When Sonny finds out that Carlo has hit Connie, a rather lengthy beating takes place. Later on in the film, Sonny's temper and protective nature are used against him. Carlo beats Connie, who phones Sonny in tears. While Sonny is en route to kill Carlo, he is ambushed by several men with machine guns who shoot up his car and kill him.
- It's mentioned in the book that Sonny's threat "If you touch my sister again I'll kill you!" makes everyone relax, as he'd never say that if he was willing to kill Carlo (because it could be used as evidence against him). Mind you, Sonny isn't exactly cool-headed over these things, which his enemies use to their advantage.
- In the film Sydney White, the protagonist scores a date with the current Big Man on Campus, Tyler Prince. Tyler is informed by the seven nerdy boys who share their house with Sydney that there will be severe punishment for any funny business. Of course, being nerds, this is their definition of severe punishment:
Gurkin: If you try any funny stuff, I will unleash the power of the internet on you. I will register you as a sex offender in all 50 states and Canada.
- Although, frankly, that's a very effective threat.
- In Clueless: Hey, you. Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.
- In Shallow Hal, when Hal thinks that Rosemary and Ralph are back together, Hal comes to Ralph to concede victory:
Hal: You deserve her [uncomfortably] more than me. But lemme tell you something, if you ever mess up and make her unhappy, I'll be waitin' in the wings. And I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger! Like a tiger on a deer! With a cloven hoof, with a broken arm!
- In the film Something New, Kenya and Brian embark on a double date with Kenya's friend and her fiancé. When the ladies excuse themselves to go dancing, the other guy tells Brian that while he likes him and he seems to be an "okay guy", he thinks of Kenya as a sister and even if not, she's his girlfriend's best friend, so Brian had better not be using Kenya as some "science experiment" (Brian is white and Kenya is black).
- Towards the end of the "Real Thing" sequence from Big The Musical, Susan's "oldest, longest, dearest" male friends casually warn Josh, "Don't hurt Susan, or we'll break your kneecaps if you do."
- Bad Boys II has one of the absolute best versions of this trope when Marcus and Mike terrorize Marcus' daughter's date. It has to be seen to be believed.
- In the extended cut of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Samwise Gamgee gives Gollum a warning about betraying and harming Frodo when the latter becomes suspicious of what lies in Shelob's Cave. Notable in that this is not a romantic quarrel on any side — this is the hero's Not Love Interest informing an old adversary that he'll pay if he harms his friend or even does something that causes him to be harmed.
Sam: You listen to me! You listen good and proper. Anything happens to him, you'll have me to answer to. One sniff that something's not right, one hair that stands up on the back of my neck, it's over. No more slinker, no more stinker. You're gone. Got it? I'm watching you.
- The Fast and the Furious (2001): Dom makes his intentions clear to Brian should he hurt Mia in any way: "You break her heart, I'll break your neck."
- The Players Club: When Blue meets Diamond's father to pick her up for a date. Her father just happens to be practicing his sharpshooting as he questions Blue about their relationship. Ending it with a subtle "Whatever you do to my daughter, I'm gonna find and do to you." and nails a bulls-eye with the gun to drive the point home.
- In Norbit: "I'm comin' at you with razor blades and lemon juice!"
- Subverted in Thor when Erik Selvig starts out warning Thor that he had better genuinely care about Jane, then essentially warns him to stay away from her.
Erik: I don't know if you're delusional or if you're pulling some kinda con; I don't care. I just care about her. I've seen the way she looks at you.
Thor: I swear to you, I mean her no harm.
Erik: Good. In that case, I'll buy you another round, and you leave town tonight.
- Similar is done in Thor: The Dark World when Thor frees Loki from his prison cell to go to Svartalfheim to stop Malekith, and Sif and the Warriors Three make the same promise to Loki.
Sif: Betray him, and I'll kill you.
- Loki even lampshades it after hearing it three times already.
- In the Danish film Flame And Citron (2008), Citron finds his wife has taken up with another man because he's always away. She refuses to tell him who the man is for fear of what he'll do, but Citron later comes across the man at her house and tells him to look after her, but if he should ever hurt or neglect his daughter, he'll come back. As Citron is an assassin for La Résistance, the Implied Death Threat is taken seriously.
- In the Hurog series, when Ward is told that his sister Ciarra has gotten engaged to her cousin Beckram, he tells the messenger to tell Beckram to "keep her away from the sewage system". A subtle reminder, as Ciarra fled from Beckram's bullying into the castle's sewage system at the start of the novel. Ward doesn't threaten anything, but then, last time Beckram frightened Ciarra, Ward delivered a solid blow to his face. The implication is that he would do it again.
- The Redemption of Althalus sees Deiwos warning Althalus in this way. Considering Deiwos is a god, Althalus has good reason to never think about slipping up...
- Sibyl's brother to Dorian in The Picture of Dorian Gray. He doesn't get a chance to carry out his promise.
- An unusual example in Wolf of the Plains: Temujin threatens the father of his wife-to-be with massacre of his entire clan if he beats Borte again. Note that Temujin grows up to become Genghis Khan.
- Subverted in The Mortal Instruments, when Jace prepares himself for this speech from Simon, his girlfriend Clary's protective best friend. Of course, Clary is a demon-slaying Shadowhunter.
Jace: Is this the part where you tell me if I ever do anything to hurt her, you'll kill me?
Simon: No. If you hurt Clary, she's quite capable of killing you herself. Possibly with a variety of weapons.
- Sadrao says this to Trent in Black Dogs, which is quite justified as Trent is the son of the book's Big Bad, and Sadrao is worried that the whole thing might just be some kind of dark scheme.
- In A Song of Ice and Fire, the wildling Tormund Giantsbane tells Jon Snow about Ryk, Tormund's new son-in-law. Tormund explains he threatened Ryk by saying that he'd rip his manhood off and beat him with it if he broke his daughter Munda's heart. However, the wildlings of this story are expected to kidnap women to make their wives while risking injury or death from the woman herself (who has been brought up to fight alongside men) as standard practice — with the acknowledgment that the woman ultimately chooses whether to stay or go.
- At the end of White Star by Elizabeth Vaughan, Marlon, a powerful mage, gives his blessing for Orrin Blackhart to be with his daughter Evelyn. Marlon warns him that if Evelyn is made unhappy, he will make Orrin's balls rot off. Orrin gulps and says those terms are acceptable.
- In the Sidney Sheldon novel Nothing Lasts Forever, Dr. Kat Hunter has been strong-armed into working for a local mobster to pay off her brother's gambling debts, taking care of his underlings. The man becomes so genuinely grateful for her help—she saves HIS life as well—that when she tells him she's engaged, he tells her "Tell him to take good care of you, or he'll answer to me." When her fiancé murders her so that he can marry an heiress, the mobster fulfills his promise and has the man killed.
- In the novel A Stranger In The Mirror, comedian Toby Temple is forced to marry a gangster's mistress because she's head over heels in love with him and he'll do anything to make her happy. Toby realizes the guy means business when he has his cronies beat him up when he (correctly) suspects that he's planning to run out on her. From then on, no matter how miserable he is, Toby does his best to act like a loving, devoted husband, turning down the advances of the numerous women who throw themselves at him.
- In Vampire Academy, Abe Mazour, Rose's father, had one such discussion with Adrian Ivashkov when the latter dates his daughter. He truly intimidates the younger man.
- Legacy of the Force: Sacrifice: Boba Fett regarding his granddaughter Mirta Gev, to her fiancé Ghes Orade.
Boba Fett: Here's the deal. You break her heart, I break your legs.
- The Caster Chronicles has an interesting variation, where John says one of these to Ethan about Liv (who's currently with John, and was Ethan's Romantic False Lead at one point) when he thinks he's about to die in a Heroic Sacrifice:
John: If you hurt her. If you touch her. If you let anyone break her heart, I will find you and kill you. And then I'll keep hurting you from the other side. Do you understand?
- In One Family's Story (a history of the million-strong extended Jerkins family in the US, all of whom are descended from the same man), author Vernon Butler tells of how the oldest member of every generation of the family would take anyone marrying into the family — male or female — aside and welcome them to it. And then the newcomer would be told that if they do anything to harm or betray their spouse, the rest of the family would fall on them in righteous anger.
After a while, most of the people who married into the family sort of treated the welcome as a bit of joke. None of them ever expected to have to see it followed up on. But then came June 2, 1982. The night that my then-brother-in-law Victor Crabtree came home drunk and angry and put my sister Callie into the hospital because his dinner wasn't waiting for him on the table. That night, my father, my brother Nathan, my brother Aaron, and my Uncle Charlie taught Victor just how serious we were about it.
- A very dark example occurs in Ursula Vernon's Clocktaur War duology. The protagonist Slate is attracted to Caliban, an ex-paladin who was possessed and forced to murder ten people. Her assassin ex-lover threatens Caliban when he realizes...not because he's afraid Caliban will break Slate's heart, because he's afraid he might kill her. He believes Caliban committed the massacre of his own free will and lied to avoid execution.
- In Mordant's Need, Geraden is surprised to be very matter-of-factly told the following by Minick, the gentlest and most soft-spoken of his brothers:
Minick: I spent the afternoon with your Terisa. She's nice. If you make her unhappy, you won't be welcome in my house anymore.
- Game of Thrones: After Loras unhappily offers his sister as a bride to Joffrey in "Valar Morghulis," he then stands protectively behind Margaery and stares defiantly in Joffrey's direction. The boy-king is only paying attention to Margaery at this point, so he doesn't get the message, but Loras is warning Joffrey that he had better not harm his sister.
- Played for Laughs in Smallville, "Trespass". Jimmy is convinced that Chloe is leaving him for Clark and says something like that, despite there is nothing between Chloe and Clark (at least, not now ) and that even not counting his abilities, Clark is a big guy and Jimmy is kind of skinny.
- The series makes this funny and heartwarming in "Suicidal Tendencies". Diggle stealthily gives a short deadpan to Ray regarding Felicity, and the former's and Oliver's reactions are priceless. Later, Oliver does the same, except very subtly and in reverse.
- In "Muse of Fire", when Oliver finds out Tommy is taking Laurel out on a date. Extra funny because we know Oliver can follow through on his promise to snap Tommy's neck even though Oliver insists he's just kidding.
- Uttered by Wesley to Gunn:
Wesley: I just don't want to see her hurt.
Gunn: What are you, man, her brother?
- And later in reverse:
Gunn: And to add the necessary boilerplate, you ever hurt her, I'm gonna kill ya like a chicken.
Wesley: Acceptable terms.
- Huge irony that time, as Gunn soon discovers in that episode that his own actions led to her death.
- Uttered by Wesley to Gunn:
- Subverted in Friends: Ross tells Chandler before his wedding to Monica that if he hurt her, he would "hunt him down, and kick his ass"—to Chandler's great amusement and laughter. Which is interesting, considering that, in a later episode, the others find it laughable that Chandler could beat Ross up. Of course, then in another episode, Ross and Chandler are stuck in an arm wrestling match due to being "equally weak". For the joke is that neither of those guys is remotely violent or physically threatening. Monica herself though
If Chandler screws up, Monica can and will kick his ass before Ross even manages to punch Chandler hard once. Though there is that whole "My Sandwich" incident
Also played for laughs because Chandler absolutely adores Monica and would probably throw himself off a building to avoid hurting her, whereas Ross, at this point, has three failed marriages and isn't in the position to tell anyone (especially a boyfriend as sweet and faithful as Chandler) not to mess up a relationship. However, Ross makes it clear that if necessary, he'll carry his threat out—he goes ballistic when he first finds out about Monica and Chandler until he's reassured that they're in a legitimate relationship; he gives Chandler a Death Glare when he flirts with the pizza delivery girl; and when Chandler disappears for a second time before the wedding (although this time he wasn't making a run for it), Ross knocks him to the ground and flat-out tells him, "You're not running out on my sister!"
- When Phoebe is about to get married, Joey tries to do this routine with her fiancé (and, of course, goes completely over the top with his invoked Overprotective Dad-type performance), until the increasingly confused husband-to-be gives the standard "if I did anything to hurt her, I'd take revenge on myself" response. Joey says that was all he wanted to hear, and warms up to him immediately.
- 8 Simple Rules for dating my daughter:''
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
I'm sure you've been told in today's world, sex, without using a 'barrier method' of some kind, can kill you let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
- A non-romantic version: J.D's feckless and goofy older brother, acknowledging that his brother will never look up to him but admires Dr. Cox intensely, warns Cox in perfect seriousness to take his responsibility as J.D's mentor more seriously, "or you'll have me to answer to."
- When Elliot is following Dr Cox's bad advice on getting Jake's interest ("First you engage him, then you ignore him"), the Janitor swoops down on a bewildered Jake to demand "What did you say to make Eliot run off like that? Because it you hurt her " The Janitor would later kidnap Keith to make the same point (as a "wedding gift").
- The Office (US):
Michael: If you harm a hair on Stanley's head, I will burn Utica to the ground.
- Used in "Phyllis gets Married", where Michael Scott says to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: "If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you." Bob Vance replies with, "If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you."
- In another episode, Michael goes to prank the Utica branch after learning that Stanley wants to transfer.
- Michael later does this again, this time threatening to kill Gabe if he breaks Erin's heart. It's just a figure of speech, though - he actually means he'll kill Gabe and his entire family.
- Since parental threats are allowed, we can't forget (president) Jed Bartlet's on The West Wing:
President Josiah Bartlet: Just remember these two things: she's 19 years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
- And he likes Charlie!
- Queer as Folk features one (gay) man warning his (idealistic) close friend's new love interest: "If you break his heart, I will break your face. Now if you'll excuse me, they're playing my song."
- Noah's Arc: Ricky says this verbatim to Wade regarding Noah (and means every word of it).
- In The Mentalist episode "Bloodshot", Rigsby delivers this warning to Grace's new boyfriend, who takes it gracefully and assures Rigsby he'll treat her well. Immediately subverted when he kicks Rigsby to the ground and beats him into unconsciousness—turns out he's the episode's bad guy, who's been using Grace to get access to CBI.
- The Drew Carey Show: Lewis to Drew about his sister
Lewis: If you hurt my sister, they will never find any piece of you. Not even your glasses. Remember: I'm a janitor. I know how to dispose of things.
- That '70s Show has Eric threaten Casey Kelso with "If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass". Which, considering who is involved, is quite the threat.
- An episode of when Hodgins was about to marry Angela had Angela's father warning Jack: "I've got caaars and I've got guitaaars. And I've got guns. Treat my little girl right, and you'll only see the business end of the caaaaars and the guitaaaaaaars."
- Angela's father does follow through on his promise, although without guns he just strands the guy in a desert and gives him a permanent tattoo of Angela. This is even after Angela tells him that they both called off the wedding.
- Inverted with Booth telling Bones' brother that if he broke her heart again, he would hurt him. And knowing Booth, he would and could carry out that promise.
- Played straight when the leader of a vicious DC gang threatens Bones. At the end of the episode, Booth grabs the guy, shoves him against the wall of an alley, and promises massive retaliation if Bones is hurt. The guy tries to laugh it off, saying that Federal agents and their legal restrictions don't scare him. Booth shows that he is not speaking as a Federal agent, but as a seriously pissed-off Special Forces soldier and sniper, and that Booth simply doesn't care what happens to him after he takes the guy out. The guy gets the message, and is never heard from again.
- Max tells this to Booth at Booth and Brennans wedding. Booth is one of the few people Max cant intimidate and vice versa, but Booth still knows Max means business
- Booth essentially communicates this to the boyfriend of Cams daughter Michelle. He says hes a cool uncle who happens to be a trained Army sniper.
- Star Trek: The Next Generation. When Vash says she wants to go off and see the universe with Q, Picard makes him guarantee her safety in payment for saving Q's life in an earlier episode (Well, even Picard could hardly threaten an omnipotent being). Later, Data has initiated a romantic relationship with Lieutenant D'Sora, and Worf informs him that if D'Sora is mistreated he will be "very displeased."
- In ER, during Abby and Luka's wedding, Lucien, who is rather fond of Abby, goes up to Luka and warns him if he ever hurt Abby, he would kill him. Which Luka, who was busy trying to find Abby and knows that Lucien is quite drunk, absently gave him an "all right". When Morris begins dating a policewoman, her cop buddies give him the same warning.
- Occurs in the True Blood season one episode "Cold Ground" when Sam confronts Bill.
Sam: Anything happens to Sookie, I promise I'll be sharpening a stake with your name on it.
- In Chuck, after Morgan starts openly dating Casey's daughter, Casey grudgingly lets the relationship continue, but warns Morgan that if he breaks her heart, Casey will "break [his] everything." Surprisingly, this does not happen more often, even from such people as Sarah's father or her ex (probably because Bryce knows Chuck is a good man).
- In The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Uncle Phil (of course), Will, and even nerdy Carlton have displayed this attitude towards nearly all of Ashley's dates.
- Beverly Hills, 90210. Dylan warns Brenda's fiancé Stuart like this. Considering that Dylan himself broke Brenda's heart, it comes off pretty hypocritical instead of awesome or heartwarming.
- Parks and Recreation Leslie's friends and co-workers make it very clear to Ben not to hurt her or else. This is Played for Laughs since, as Ben points out, they're all his friends, too, so they have no reason to worry that he'd hurt Leslie.
- In Psych Lassiter has an epic moment delivering one of these. At first unwilling to accept that Juliet was dating Shawn, he eventually closed himself and Shawn in a small room, hooked himself up to a polygraph and then said that if Shawn screwed up he would shoot him. Cut to the polygraph needle showing that he is telling the truth.
- In Downton Abbey, Lord Grantham agrees to let Tom Branson marry his daughter, but warns:
Robert: If you do anything to hurt her, I shall personally have you torn to pieces by wild dogs.
- At the end of the Sports Night episode "Sally", Casey has a conversation with Gordon that starts out sounding like this, until the reveal that Gordon is already cheating on Dana—and Casey knows about it.
- Supernatural has a subversion when Dean talks to a teenager who is interested in Little Miss Badass Krissy.
Dean: Aiden. Listen, there's something I want to tell you about Krissy
Aiden: Oh, I know, you'll kill me if I hurt her, blah blah blah
Dean: No, no. No, she'll kill you. [pats Aiden on the back] Good luck.
- Defiance: After learning of their relationship, Nolan tells Tommy that if he ever hurts Irisa, he'll get his answer to if there is a God in person.
- Glory in the Thunder: Artificial Human Evren warns Hayr concerning her little sister. Katarosi places down one of these ultimatums regarding herself, when she is forced into marriage by political circumstance.
- A parental version comes up in Legends of Tomorrow with Damien Dahrk of all people. When his daughter Nora decides to finally tie the knot with Ray Palmer, he surprisingly gives them his blessing (albeit after having to clear a lot of misunderstandings). Before leaving, he gives Ray a hug and tells him he'd better make Nora happy or else.
- The Rodney Atkins song "Come on in Boy" seems to avert this at first, as the girl's father merely tells her date how much his daughter means to him and that "she deserves the best." However the last line in the chorus the father promises he'll see them when they get back, as he'll be up "still cleaning this gun."
- The basis for the song "Welcome to the Family" by Little Big Town is a man detailing to his new brother-in-law how scary his family is.
Brother, here's some brotherly advice
If you know what's good for you'll treat her right
'Cause Grandpa's the local sheriff, yeah, he's the judge and the jury too
Uncle Bill's the undertaker, son he'll dig a hole for you
Cousin Jesse, he's just crazy, he'll fight you just for fun
Mama's got a real bad temper, and Daddy's got a shotgun
- Tom F. Wilson in his Daughter Song.
- A musical implied variant (sort of "Male Reassuring Female"), the song "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey includes the lines "If he ever hurts you / True love won't desert you".
- The French song "Mon beau-frère" (My Brother-in-law) from Black M warns said in-law that the singer will throw him from a bridge if he ever fucks up with his sister, and refuses to lay the hints off afterwards, making very clear the brother-in-law is liked by the family only as long as he likes the girl.
- Christopher Titus during his "LOVE IS EVOL" special mentions telling his new younger girlfriend's father that he'd take care of her. Her father, a Vietnam Veteran Marine Pilot, basically tells him, if he doesn't, "One Shot, One Kill". Later he jokes about how his body would be found over four states and he says that her brother, a federal agent, joked, "They'd never find ya." An earlier bit had him mention one of the worst parts of dating is meeting the woman's family, as there's always that one member who's a bit too close. His example was a grandmother who casually mentions that she'd be willing to knock a guy out, dump him in a ditch, and pour lye onto his unconscious body.
"If you touch her, or hurt her, or make her sad, I'm going to hurt you twice as bad."
- Bill Engvall's segment of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, to a hypothetical boy who has come to take out his daughter, after being woken up out of a sound sleep in the dead of night by a phone call from a non-hypothetical boy.
Bill Engvall: Boy? Look at me. See that girl over there? She's my only only little girl. She's my life. And if you have any thoughts about huggin' or kissin' you remember these words. I got no problem going back to prison.
- The whole point of "She's My Sister" in the musical Memphis. The show is set in 1950s America, and in this particular song Delray, an African-American club owner, warns Caucasian Radio DJ Huey Calhoun just how much danger he's putting his little sister in by being involved with her in a time when interracial relationships were illegal.
- In Mass Effect 2:
- After re-recruiting Tali, you'll get an email from the quarian Admiralty Board saying (in somewhat formal diplomat-speak) "She's with you now. You're her captain, so what you say goes. Don't screw up or you'll have the whole fleet on your ass." note Only at the end of the email does it say that the message is from Tali's father specifically. Bonus points since Tali is one of male!Shepard's possible Love Interests. Becomes Harsher in Hindsight on Tali's loyalty mission, when you discover Tali's father has died in the interim, because he was recklessly playing with AI soldiers, so that he could retake the quarian homeworld for her.
- If Shepard is romancing Liara, Aethyta gives him/her a veiled threat to this effect.
- In one of the flashbacks in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, Ezio gives one of these to Manfredo, the man who his lover Christina became engaged to while he was off in Tuscany hunting the Pazzis.
- Discussed and parodied with Guybrush and a human LeChuck in Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 2: The Siege of Spinner Cay:
Guybrush: If you did anything to hurt Elaine while I was gone, I swear I'll—
LeChuck: The only thing I did to Elaine was to pull her from the freezing water along with a bunch of wet, screaming monkeys!
Guybrush: [smiles] Actually, that kinda sounds like our honeymoon!
- In Dragon Age II, if Hawke romances Fenris, then romances Anders, you get this banter.
Fenris: You are living with Hawke now?
Anders: What's it to you?
Fenris: Be good to him/her. Break his/her heart, and I will kill you.
- Becomes Harsher in Hindsight when Anders' actions in the last act come to light, especially if Hawke was trying to maintain neutrality.
- In Amnesia: Later, the heroine's father decides to accept her relationship with Ikki, but gives him a less violent example of this trope. He knows of Ikki having been a playboy, and tells him that if he were to actually cheat on his daughter, he would take her home right away.
- A platonic(-ish) example from Spirit Hunter: NG, to show Seiji's close friendship with Akira. He says to Ban that, if Ban's information on Kubitarou isn't sufficient and Akira dies as a result, then he'll use the full power of the Yakuza to track Ban down.
- In Magical Diary: Wolf Hall, if Gary Stu becomes co-presidents with Minnie Cochran, Kyo later meets Gary and concedes that Minnie chose Gary over him, but warns Gary that if he ever does anything to hurt her, Kyo will make him pay for it.
- Sir Kehydius to Sir Tristram in this Arthur, King of Time and Space strip.
- In The Phoenix Requiem, Robyn does it to Jonas in this strip.
- In Archipelago, shortly after declaring his love to Alice, Riley meets her five brothers. They are not impressed, especially since Riley is half-wereshark, a race almost universally hated. Alice manages to reconcile them, but the eldest pintur still gives Riley this touching farewell speech.
- An epic variation appears in Girl Genius, with Gil threatening a political rival instead of a romantic rival:
Gil: I do not intend to have Agatha escape one prison by entering another. She will not be used as a political pawn. She will not be enslaved "For the good of the empire". You knew me at school, and perhaps didn't take me very seriously. That would be a mistake. You must understand this. When I come to her, she will be safe, unharmed and free. Because I will come to her. And if she is not, I will destroy "Her Undying Majesty", melt what is left of your miserable island to SLAG AND BOIL THE SEAS AROUND IT FOR THE NEXT THOUSAND YEARS! Do you understand?
Wooster: You you couldn't!
Gil: Couldn't?! Couldn't?! I am Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, little man! There is nothing I couldn't do, had I cause! (quiets down) And now, now I have one. Do. You. Understand?
Wooster: Yes, Ohgod yes! Yes, Master!
- Girls Next Door features—among others—the characters from The Phantom of the Opera. There's a scene where Erik warns Raoul which gets subverted quickly because (a) the effect is not the same over Skype, (b) Erik being the Murder Is the Best Solution type, and (c) Christine standing right behind him.
- From Least I Could Do when Rayne realises Archie and Issa are serious about each other:
Rayne: It goes without saying that should you cause her to so much as frown slightly—(evil face) The revolutionary guard will find you on the Iranian border, wrapped in an American Flag and in possession of a camera filled with pictures of their nuclear reactors.
Archie: There's no punchline here, is there?
Rayne: (coldly) Get back to work.
- Although there's no spoken dialogue, it's probably safe to infer that this happens in some form in There she is!!, from Il-ho to Nabi. Even without the words there, the emotional context is definitely present. He carries through with the threat part in Step 4, attacking Nabi for breaking up with Doki and breaking her heart, then they begrudgingly come to terms in Step 5 when Il-ho gives Nabi the second ticket to Paradise so that he can follow Doki, but Nabi rips it up, indicating he's done running from his problems. The Jjintta then help him race to the airport.
- Spoofed in Futurama, when Zapp Brannigan tells Fry (who is pretending to be Leela's boyfriend) that if he screws up or hurts Leela in any way, Zapp will dive in to take his place " like a fly on a particularly seductive piece of manure."
- Kim Possible:When Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable start dating (thanks to some encouragement from the Moodulator) in the s3e2 Episode "Emotion Sickness," Kim's dad warns him that he'd better not make Kim unhappy unless he wants a one-way trip to a black hole.
Mrs. Dr. P: We want Kim to be happy.Ron: We do.Mr. Dr. P: If not, it's a one-way ticket on a deep-space probe.Ron: H-how deep?Mr. Dr. P: Black hole deep, Ronald.
- Similarly in Danny Phantom where Paulina's father declares to her date, Danny
Danny: [nervous] Uh hi, you must be Paulina's father. [gulps as her father cracks his knuckles]
Paulina's Dad: If you upset her We're going to have a very violent talk.
Then a few minutes later.
Paulina's Dad: I know where you live.
Danny: [leaves with Paulina] And I'm glad we had this chance to chat!
- Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School have the fathers of the monster girls warning Shaggy and Scooby what they'll do if the girls are unhappy. The fathers consist of pretty much all of the classic Universal Horror monsters.
- Rocko's Modern Life: "Let me tell you something. You lay ONE PAW ON MY DAUGHTER AND YOU'LL BECOME MY PERSONAL TOOTHPICK! YOU HEAR ME?!"
- In Superman: The Animated Series, Lois briefly dated Bruce Wayne during a three-part crossover, but broke it off upon discovering he was Batman. In the end, he gave this warning to Clark (in a somewhat teasing manner).
She's all yours now, if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her, 'cause I know where you live.
- In X-Men, Logan does it again at Scott and Jean's wedding in more subtle way. He says to Scott that he better make Jean happy or "I'll find you anywhere.", while cutting a piece of wedding cake with his claws.
- A Real Life example, President Barack Obama once noted that his pre-teen daughters were fans of Boy Band the Jonas Brothers, but added "Boys, don't get any ideas. I have two words for you: Predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking." Of course he was joking—it was a White House Correspondents' Association dinner, so joking is traditional—but as the Senator from Minnesota might put it, perhaps the First Dad was "kidding on the square" a little bit there.
Female Warning Male
- In Death Note, the Shinigami Rem who seems to be female threatens to kill Light if his schemes do anything to hurt Misa.
- Light being Light, he manipulates Rem into carrying this threat out on someone else. Just as planned.
- Tokyo Babylon: Hokuto, Subaru's sister, threatens Seishiro to kill him if he'll ever make her brother cry, and goes as far as threatening him with a kitchen knife when Subaru isn't there.
- In Kimagure Orange Road, Madoka often warns Kyosuke to not make his sort-of girlfriend Hikaru cry. Problem is, Kyousuke cares for Hikaru yet is in love with Madoka and Madoka also falls for him, despite her efforts to aid Hikaru and her own reluctance to admit it. In the anime, it didn't end well. This also applies to the local Chew Toy, Yuusaku, who loves Hikaru despite her rejecting him often and constantly warns Kyosuke to not hurt either her or Madoka.
- Indirectly delivered in Cardcaptor Sakura; after confessing her love to Yukito and being turned down, Sakura wishes him luck with her older brother Touya, and tells Yukito that if Touya ever hurts him, she'll beat him up for Yukito.
- Shortly after Takayuki and Haruka hook up in the first episode of Rumbling Hearts, Haruka's best friend Mitsuki warns him not to string Haruka along, or she'll make him regret it violently, if necessary.
- A Crown of Stars: When the relationship between Hikari and Touji starts to get more serious, Asuka warns Touji that she will throw him into the ocean if he hurts her:
Asuka:"Congratulations, I guess, Hikari. Stooge, you ever make her cry and I'll throw you into the ocean from here with Red Whirlwind."
- In the Death Note AU Ragnarok Misa warns L:
Misa: Hello, Mr. Great Detective! Play nice with Raito-kun; he's a genius but a bit difficult. Oh, and if anything happens to Raito while he is under L's care, Misa-Misa will destroy him if it is the last thing she does!
- In Weekend at Hisao's, Hisao gets into an argument with his girlfriend Shizune. After they get back to his house, Shizune texts her best friend Misha, who is also in love with her, although her feelings are not requited, and she angrily calls Hisao, demanding to know what happened and delivering this warning.
Misha: I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF SHIICHAN! IF YOU'RE CHEATING ON HER OR MAKING HER CRY, I'M GOING TO FLY DOWN THERE AND KICK YOU IN THE BUTT SO HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT RIGHT FOR A MONTH!
- From Halcyon Hearts: When Princess Celestia meets Twilight's boyfriend, a recently paroled convict named Blaze, she takes him outside and tells him about the "Sun Run", a now defunct method of execution.
Celestia: Now, obviously, we dont practice such barbaric tactics in modern times. But if, say, somepony were to get me angry enough, through, lets say, upsetting a pony I love like she was my own child, I might be tempted, in a moment of irrational thought, to revive the punishment. She looked at him carefully. Do we understand each other?Blaze (in a tiny voice): Yes.
- A minor example in Lost in Camelot, as Kenzi ensures that Arthur will bring Merlin back from a hunting trip in time for Merlin's birthday (which Bo has plans for) by making threats that include itching powder in his trousers.
- During Phoenix and Iris's wedding in Phoenix Wright: Ghosts of the Past, Bikini note publicly tells Phoenix that she'll break him if he ever hurts her, while privately admitting that there wasn't anyone better for her.
- Implied in Back To Us when Alya tells Marinette that she plans to make sure Adrien knows that she knows all the vital points of a persons veins, including the knowledge of which particular veins would be the most painful to bleed out from.
- In How To Drill Your Way Through Your Problems, Miss Militia gives this speech to Lagann after Mouse Protector decides to join Team Neo-Gurren.
- In Violence Inherent in the System Ranma announces his intention of proposing to Shampoo.
Cologne: Thank you Ranma. She will say yes and you will make her very, very happy... or I will kill you myself.
- Played for Laughs in Create Your Own Fate when the former Child Soldiers whom Kanril Eleya has been working with for most of the story warn her new boyfriend Reshek Gaarra about this. Eleya being one of the bigger badasses in The 'Verse, Gaarra retorts that she wouldn't need the help.
Amanda Nung: Yeah, but we can be annoying.
- In This Gonna Be Good Luna warns Fred and George.
Luna: Im positive Harri will not be angry at you two for punching Ron in the face. That being said, I will be very angry at you if you break my big sisters heart. I am a seer and I will do all in my power to destroy you if you break my big sister.
- In the first book of the Teen Titans Our Own League series, Wonder Woman scares Superboy off when he shows interest in her sister Wonder Girl, knowing him to be a flirt and her to be naïve. She gives him her blessing at the end of the second book, but not without promising him bodily harm if he screws up, and not just from her. From all the Amazons.
- In Advice and Trust, Asuka sends Kaworu a text message threatening to feed him to Unit-02 if he doesn't treat Rei like a goddess. This is slightly less serious than most examples, given that Kaworu was already in her good favor (he had literally taken a bullet for her boyfriend that very day, after all) and she had been shipping the two of them for a while.
- Lampshaded in Chapter 8 of the Professional Wrestling Archive of Our Own story Pocket Rocket. When Kaitlyn confronts Wade Barrett about his relationship with her tag team partner A.J. Lee, he says, "Ah, finally! 32 years and at last, my first 'break her heart and I'll break you legs' ultimatum."
- Euphemia's older sister Cornelia threatens to kill Suzaku from Of Monsters and Men if he ever hurts her sister. It isn't an idle threat either.
Suzaku: "May I ask why you hate me, Your Highness? Is it because I'm an Honorary Britannian? Or because your sister trusts me?"Cornelia: "Neither, now. I hate you now because you are a man who holds Euphemia's heart in his hands. If you do anything to tarnish such a precious gift, I will kill you myself. But only after I've made you suffer. Do not think that your skill with the Lancelot makes you invaluable. There are, after all, ways to obtain a suitable replacement."
- Downplayed; in the core story of the Maribat AU, Tikki thinks Damian would be a good person for Marinette, but privately decides that if he does hurt her, she'll kick his ass.
- Moratorium has a genderbent Harry laying down the law to Krum when he makes it clear he wants to pursue Hermione. To his credit, he takes it all in stride and agrees with her.
"You see... I am quite fond of Hermione. I understand that you have become attached to her, and if you want to be with her, we need to get some things straight. One; you will never be good enough in my eyes for her. No one will, however, I may come to accept the fact that you are with her if you kiss my arse enough. Two; Hurt her, I murder you. Three; Be nice to her friends—all of them. Her friends mean a lot to her. Four; Don't you ever ask her to choose between her friends and you, and don't even think about making her choose between her studies and you.
"I have a Basilisk, and I am not afraid to introduce you to him," Harry finished. Throughout the entire thing, she kept her tone pleasant, conversational. As if she were remarking about the weather."
- In the 2002 version of Carrie, Miss Desjardin finds Tommy at the prom and warns him that if Carrie doesn't have the night of her life, she'll see to it that he's expelled.
- Happens in a short and funny scene in Jerry Maguire when Jerry has "The Talk" with his new sister-in-law. After multiple characters have warned him about the talk, Jerry braces himself, goes in, and has "The Talk", which consists of:
Sister-in-Law: You fuck this up, I'll kill you.
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk
- In Yendi, Vlad gets that warning from his wife's erstwhile assassin partner. Lampshaded in that he sees it coming and tries to head it off (but gets it anyway).
- Mayrie, Tayend's sister, warns Dannyl from The Black Magician Trilogy in this way, before they've even become a couple.
- In the fourth Temeraire novel, Empire of Ivory, during the Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace moment of the wedding between Catherine Harcourt and Tom Riley
Lilynote : Mayn't I?
Catherine: No, you may not!
Lily: Very well then, (turns to Riley) but if you are unpleasant to Catherine I will throw you in the ocean.
- Lampshaded in Tempe O'Kun's Windfall, both Max and his girlfriend's mother are writers, so before leaving them alone for the weekend she takes him aside and gives him a writing prompt.
- In Peaky Blinders, Aunt Polly threats Freddie—the new husband of Ada, the niece who's like a daughter to her:
Polly: You lay a hand on our Ada, and I'll put you in a wooden box myself.
- In Smallville, "Devoted", Lois Lane warns Clark to never break Chloe's heart. Luckily for him, he did all the heartbreaking before Lois arrived.
- Chloe returns the favour once Lois starts expressing interest in Clark, although she is much nicer about it, with no threats, just "I'm speaking from experience when I say the third point always hurts" and "please don't slam my cousin in the door".
- She is less friendly in "Echo" when she finds out Clark has been abusing his temporary mind reading ability to get Lois on a date.
- In "Fragile", when Chloe finds out Lex is after Lana.
Chloe: I know you're used to getting whatever you want without even thinking about the consequences, but I promise you if you hurt my friend, there will be a consequence. And you're looking at her.
Lex: Chloe, I think Im getting an inkling why you've never had a boyfriend.
- The pilot episode of Dharma & Greg: Dharma's friend, upon meeting Greg for the first time, warns him that "she'll bring him pain he can't even imagine" if he hurts Dharma.
- From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the origin of the term 'shovel talk' for this conversation.
Willow: Have fun! And remember, if you hurt her, I'll beat you to death with a shovel.
Riley: [pulls questioning face]
Willow: [matter-of-fact-ly] A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
- That's probably the real reason Riley left town immediately after the breakup.
- From "Beneath You":
Dawn: Spike. You sleep, right? You. Vampires. You sleep.
Spike: Yeah. What's your point, niblet?
Dawn: Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all touch her you're gonna wake up on fire.
- Drake from Drake & Josh discovered that the girl he was dating was the daughter of his Sadist Teacher, to the horror of both him and the teacher. However, she started to treat him better at school since he was making her daughter happy, with the caveat that if he ever made her daughter unhappy, then she would treat him even worse than she did before. Problem is, the girl had an Annoying Laugh and Drake really wanted to break up with her, so he had to engage in Please Dump Me antics to get her to break up with him instead.
- In ER, Carol Hathaway's mother is not happy upon hearing that her daughter is engaged to Doug Ross, as he treated her horribly during their first relationship (cheating on her frequently). As Carol walks away, her mother declares, "He will regret the day he was BORN if he hurts you again."
- Good Luck Charlie has one when Teddy tells her parents that she's dating her ex-boyfriend Spencer again, with whom she had broken up because he cheated on her. Teddy's mom gives her blessing and then says "If you ever hurt my little girl again BAM!!"
- In The Golden Girls, Dorothy gives a speech to her daughter's husband (with whom she is getting back together after he has cheated on her) about not wanting her daughter to be hurt. When he promises that it won't happen again, she takes his hand and replies that if it does, that she will "break every bone in [his] hand". Stan adds, "Keep it zipped, buddy, she's not kidding."
- Mara pulled this on Jerome in House of Anubis, warning her that she'll go after him if he ever breaks Joy's heart. Justified, in that he had cheated on Mara herself earlier in the season and she didn't want to let Joy get hurt. Jerome was good-natured about it and agreed with the threat.
- In the Grimm episode "The Good Soldier", Rosalee's sister—who's just met her sister's long-term partner for the first time, and spent most of that meeting being too angry with Rosalee to speak to him—sneaks up behind him while vogued, and snarls this at him. He's understandably taken aback.
- In the revival of Will & Grace, right before Jacks wedding, Karen gives this warning to his soon-to-be-husband Estefan.
Karen: If you hurt my Jackie... I know someone who will reach up inside you, and turn you inside out.
- In the third Jak and Daxter game, after Tess gives a new BFG to Jak, and tells him that she wants him to protect "her little baby" (Daxter) with it, or else she'll "hunt him down and hurt him REAL BAD."
- Isabela will give this warning to a Hawke romancing Merrill. Since Isabela only really distrusts men, female Hawkes just get the warning without the threat.
Isabela: I get the feeling that girl's messing in something big and dangerous. Look out for her, will you? Make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Oh, and if you do anything nasty to her, I'll cut off your balls.
- Leliana does the exact same thing in Dragon Age: Inquisition, just short of going ballistic at the idea of anyone hurting Josephine (whom she regards as a sister) - and she has the ruthless streak to back it up. For her part Josie is upset that, probably not for the first time, Leliana went behind her back to protect her.
- In Mass Effect 3, Liara T'soni is a romance option for a Shepard of either gender. Liara's species is mono-gendered and female. Her father is therefore a woman, Matriarch Aethyta. Aethyta and Shepard are capable of each threatening each other with one of these, using the exact words, "Nobody messes with my girl." Aethyta responds to such a threat by chuckling, then saying, "Maybe you're good enough for her after all."
- The second epilogue mission after the main campaign of Starcraft II Legacy Of The Void has a grand alliance with all three races pushing into the Void, among them Jim Raynor, Kerrigan, and the latter's Swarm heir-apparent Zagara. When Kerrigan starts absorbing the Xel-Naga energy needed to defeat Amon, Raynor (now the player-character) takes lead in leading her defense while Artanis and Zagara also set up Protoss and Zerg bases. The latter two's survival are only bonus objectives - should the Zerg base be overrun, Zagara gives a stark warning to Raynor about Sarah's fate:
Zagara: James Raynor, the queen's fate is left to you. If you fail and do not die beside her, know that the Swarm will hunt you down.Raynor: Right...Thanks for the pep talk.
- Tokimeki Memorial Drama Series 1 : Nijiiro no Seishun : Minori Akiho gives this speech to [[HeroicMime the main protagonist / Naoto when she gives her blessings for his relationship with her dear senpai Saki in the game's Best Ending.
- True Love Junai Monogatari: This happens if the Player Character pursues Miyuki Tanaka. Miyuki's best friend and the PC's childhood friend Mikae Morikawa will introduce them properly, and since she knows the PC is kiiiind of a pervert she explicitely warns him that he must be a gentleman to her bestie.
- One Buzz Feed video explains the awkward situations new couples experience at parties. One female friend threatens to castrate the male if her hurts the girl. This is both Played for Laughs and deconstructed since it is every bit as random, awkward, and creepy as it would seem in Real Life.
- Not Always Related: This poster's twin sister gives his husband "The Talk" ... and later follows through on it.
- Zeetha to Gil in Girl Genius. Complicated further by the fact that he's still not sure she doesn't need hurting.
- Sarine Elle of Errant Story delivered such a speech to former Ambassador Rarune regarding his own half-elf daughter.
Sarine Elle: If something happens to her, whether or not it was your fault, I'll come back and kill you.
- Featured in Queen of Wands, with an unusually detailed threat.
- Wapsi Square has the older sister doing the standard issue, but turns around and yells at the younger sister that her date arrived and to get her ass downstairs.
- In Shadowgirls, when Charon threatens Jerk Jock who was trying to rape her daughter she uses this trope in interesting way by assuring him that she will do terrible things to him if anything happens to Becka, including accidents.
- In Leftover Soup, Jamie gets a double dose of this.
- In Sinfest Baby Blue tells Criminy she is sparing him for Fuchsia's sake, and if he ever hurts her, she will destroy him. (Note that this got changed to "kill" in a late, post-publication edit, but "destroy" fits Blue's personality much better.)
- In El Goonish Shive:
- Avatar: The Last Airbender season 3 has a scary, though non-romantic, example: When Zuko is accepted into the Gaang, Katara, still remembering his betrayal of her trust the first time, corners him and makes it clear that the first time he gives her any reason to believe that he will return to his old ways or try to hurt Aang, she will not hesitate to kill him on the spot.
- In Wonder Woman, when Steve Trevor asks Artemis what Wonder Woman's deal is, she replies:
Artemis: Her deal is that I will personally castrate you if you come within five yards of her.
- In an episode of Drawn Together, Princess Clara hits Captain Hero with a poison dart and tells him that if he shows her cousin Bleh a good time, she will give him the antidote.
- In an episode of The Life and Times of Juniper Lee, Denis was accidentally kidnapped by Maret, Grand Arch-Demon of the 6th Astral Plane; June eventually shows up, gives Maret the beating of his life, and then:
June: Now if you ever go near my family again, they're gonna need a 10th Level locator spell just to find what's left of you. Jerk.
- In the Ben 10: Ultimate Alien episode, Hit Em Where They Live, Zombozo, Charmcaster, Vulkanus and SevenSeven kidnap Bens Mom as a means to get revenge on him. Right before rescuing her aunt, Gwen turns into her Anodite form and gives this warning to Zombozo.
Gwen: I want you to listen to me, then pass the word to every lowlife you know; if you want to come after Ben, or Kevin, or me, fine, thats the life you chose. Im talking to you. Look at me! Look at me! As of right now, the Tennyson family is off. Limits! If any of you ever attacks one of our loved ones, or hurts one of our loved ones, or even bumps into someone we love in the street, this is what awaits you!
Male Warning Female
- Kaguya-sama: Love Is War provides a variation while Ishigami and Kaguya are out shopping for Christmas presents and Ishigami gets confirmation that there's a boy that Kaguya likes. Since he doesn't know the identity of the boy, he just decides to address her directly and tell her that he'd have to intervene if the boy turns out to be scum (and this isn't an idle threat, considering the whole fiasco with Ootomo's boyfriend in the backstory). She's genuinly touched by the gesture.
- In DC Nation, Victor Stone gives this speech to Aurora when she started dating Gar. After Aurora shares a mind with Gar's batshit ex (Terra), she concludes that Vic was understating the warning.
- In Heart of Steel, Arthur (a nominally male artificial intelligence) has a little heart-to-processor talk with Julia during which he reveals that he knows that while Alistair is utterly in love with her and her presence has made Alistair very happy, she has tried to escape at least once, and "if you break his heart, I will disassemble you without hesitation."
- The Forever War is set in a Free-Love Future, so Mandella and his Love Interest Marygay have different lovers at one point, and and in a tongue-in-cheek expression of jealousy promise to beat up the others' lover if required.
- Spaced: Mike, who is intensely jealous of Tim's new girlfriend Sophie, warns "You hurt him, I'll kill you." Sophie, shocked, asks Tim if he was serious to which Tim chuckles good-naturedly and replies, with complete, genial sincerity, "Yep."
- House: Wilson warns both Cameron and Stacey not to get House's hopes up only to hurt him later (he's a lot nicer about it with Cameron).
House: (smiling) You're a cold-hearted bitch who ripped his heart out. I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did, and there's no way I'm just gonna let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again.
- In the episode "Knight Fall," we get House threatening a girl for Wilson. It's sort of a variation, though, as he's threatening Wilson's ex-wife, who is rekindling a relationship with Wilson, and so it's more like "You've Already Hurt Him And I'm Not Going To Let You Do It Again."
- On Due South, Ray Vecchio gives this warning to Fraser's Femme Fatale girlfriend. It doesn't help.
- How I Met Your Mother: Though Ted was clearly angry at Lily for breaking Marshall's heart, he doesn't threaten her, but tells her not to do it again if she intends to get back together with him.
- On Austin & Ally, in the episode Wedding Bells and Wacky Birds where the titular characters decide to play a wedding for their life science project, Dez goes on to congratulate Austin on his fake engagement, then turns to Ally with a warning along the lines of "He's my best friend. If you break his heart, I will destroy you".
- Ratheel of Juathuur warns Veithel. It's a failure of epic proportions.
- In the Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness episode "Crazy Little Ling Called Love", Po does this to Mei Ling when he learns Master Shifu has rekindled his relationship with her, despite her hurting him last time they met.
Po: I'm a happy-go-lucky panda, but if you do anything to hurt Shifu, I'll make you pay. A lot.
Female Warning Female
- The Vision of Escaflowne has Merle, Van's Cat Girl Unlucky Childhood Friend, deliver this to Hitomi after she decides that she'll stop trying to fight fate over Van's obvious crush on Hitomi.
- The Tower of Druaga has an inversion of sorts. After Kaaya's and Neeba's betrayal, Fatina, who previously had a crush on Neeba, gets over him and shifts her affections to Neeba's half-brother Jil. Unfortunately for her, Jil never gets over Kaaya. After the two make up, Fatina slaps Kaaya as a punishment for previously breaking Jil's heart.
- In Puella Magi Madoka Magica, a non-romantic variety occurs; when Sayaka is refusing to cleanse her Soul Gem, and thus effectively commit suicide, Homura warns her that if she intends to do something like that or otherwise causes suffering to Madoka, she will kill her.
- In Long Road to Friendship, after Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle's Relationship Upgrade, Shining Armor tries to warn Sunset not to make his sister sad, but falls a little short. Cadance gently brushes him away, then warns Sunset herself, saying that if Twilight ends up sad, Cadance will break Sunset's heart into so many pieces that she'll never be able to find them all. Sunset makes a mental note to not make Cadance angry.
- Equestria Chronicles has Fireflare, who both gets warned and gives the warning on seperate occasions.
- In Address Unknown, Applejack and Rainbow Dash both warn Derpy to be careful around Twilight. In this case they're referring to her track record as a Walking Disaster Area.
- Scar Tissue: After their Cat Fight in chapter 12 Rei warned Asuka that if she hurt Shinji again, she would kill her. Asuka's answer was: "I know that."
- In Star Wars like a train on a track, an interesting variation occurs where Jaina Solo asks her aunt-to-be Mara Jade to make sure that her uncle Luke never stops smiling. Mara then reveals that Jaina's mother Leia also had this conversation with her earlier.
- My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic Friendly Fire features Rarity threatening to make a leather jacket out of Apple Bloom and wear it around town if she ever makes Sweetie Belle cry so much as a single tear.
- In the Danny Phantom/Beetlejuice crossover Say It Thrice, Sam gives Lydia a warning of this sort regarding the Fenton family as a whole. Lydia has no romantic interest in anyone in the story; Sam is just very wary about anyone hurting her friends. However, Lydia understands and respects what Sam is trying to do, and Sam giving her this warning actually cements the friendship between the two girls.
- In Chapter 26 of the The Familiar of Zero fanfictionThe Steep Path Ahead, Louise makes it perfectly clear that if Siesta is lying to Saito about who she is (Japanese descent) that she'd end her, given that Saito had been pulled from his home and no clue how to get back. It'd be stomping on his feelings further.
Louise: If you're lying... if you're just lying to get Saito to sympathize with you, even if Saito later forgives you, rest assured I will not.
- In A Witch and an Amazon Walk into a Bar Hermione warns Diana on Rose's behalf.
Hermione: I... I'm not sure what I'll do, but you won't like it. I haven't been called the smartest witch of my age for nothing. Even as a fourth year, I knew more spells than most seventh years. If you hurt her, I'll find you — I can promise you that. I've faced far worse than you for her sake.
- Fluttershy's mother in Sucker for a Cute Face warns Adagio that, despite the progress that their relationship has made in giving Fluttershy confidence, she might not ever recover from a breakup.
- A Codette World Tour: Sierra wants to be sure Cody is in good hands in his relationship with Bridgette, so she tells Bridgette in no uncertain terms that she (Sierra) will not stand for any mistreatment of him.
- Platonic version in Harry Potter And The Rune Stone Path, when Hermione Granger finds out that Professor Bathsheba Babbling is planning on adopting Harry Potter, Hermione warns Bathsheba to be sincere and loving in her intent to adopt OR ELSE.
- Watts to Amanda Jones in Some Kind of Wonderful: "You break his heart, I break your face." In the end, Amanda realizes that Watts's feelings are more genuine than hers and graciously concedes.
- DEBS (2004). Just before Amy and Lucy run off together, Amy's partner Max gives Lucy a warning.
Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Lucy: [smiles] Deal.
- Red has Victoria warning Sara, while looking through her sniper rifle's scope.
Victoria: So if you break his heart, I will kill you. And bury your body in the woods.
- In Meg Cabot's 1-800-Where-R-U series, Jess warns her brother's girlfriend that "if you break his heart, I'll break your face." When her other brother begins dating her best friend, she repeats the same warning to her brother.
- In Arcadia Snips, meets Williams grandmother and gets threatened with "mechanical armageddon" if she breaks his heart.
- In the Danielle Steel novel Sunset In St. Tropez, the two wives of the male friends of the recently widowed main character make clear their intentions to do this to his new, much younger girlfriend, having decided (without even meeting her, mind you) that between her age, her looks, and her profession (she's an actress), she must be a gold-digging tramp out to ruin his life. In true Danielle Steel-style, she turns out to be a lovely person, inside and out, making them look like a pair of irrational fools.
- At one point in Crown of Slaves, Ginny has set up Victor and Naomi. Her last words before falling asleep are to Naomi, and are a promise to kill her if she isn't nice to Victor. note
- In Smallville, "Wrath", after Chloe and Clark find out Lana's "Isis Foundation" is actually a cover for shady spying on Lex and Lana almost kills Lex, Chloe satisfyingly but subtly hits Lana with one of these.
Chloe: In textbook talk, Isis is the goddess of love, and life, and healing. She even marched to the ends of the earth to help jump-start the man she loved. I want Clark to have that kind of loyalty in his life, but I'm just not sure it's from you.
Lana: I would do anything for Clark.
Chloe: Even kill. What a lucky guy. What the textbook left out is that Isis is also the goddess of the underworld. She's responsible for bringing the great god Ra to his knees.
Lana: You believe that I would do that to Clark.
Chloe: Not intentionally, but I realize now that you're capable of it. You should just know that I'm not gonna let that happen.
- In the Chuck episode "Chuck Versus the Imported Hard Salami", Sarah, who has feelings for Chuck but has managed to hide this fact by being resistant to Truth Serums, gives essentially this threat to his new girlfriend Lou.
- Lynnette to the teacher who's boinking her son in Desperate Housewives.
- In The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Hillary warns Jazz's fiancée about this.
- Lost Girl: Kenzi tells her Platonic Life Partner's girlfriend Lauren she will kill her if she breaks Bo's heart again. Not only is Lauren completely unimpressed by the threat (her ever growing backstory implies she's faced much worse), but she also challenges Kenzi as to whether this is coming from a genuine desire to protect Bo, or the selfish desire to be the only human in Bo's life. It actually seems to give Kenzi something to think about.
- In the Grimm episode "Inugami", Eve tells Adalind that Juliette might have killed her but Eve won't, before adding, "But if you hurt Nick, I will come for you." In the following episode, Rosalee discusses it with Eve and tells her "That's what I'd have said " and once Eve is gone adding " if I was Juliette."
- Bob Hearts Abishola: In "Ralph Lauren and Fish" Bob's sister Christina threatens to kill Abishola should she ever break Bob's heart. Considering that she stabbed her ex-husband in the past, she's probably crazy enough to actually do it.
- The song "Seven" by Vagiant has a variation where a girl warns her ex that she will beat up any girl who hurts him (which isn't really a fair warning, but whatever).
And I'm gonna protect you till I die
I won't let nobody hurt you again
I'll fuck up your next girlfriend if she breaks your heart
- Cleo Laine's "You'll Answer to Me":
You'd better love him long
Or let him be
If you hurt him
You'll answer to me
- This Arthur, King of Time and Space strip.
- This Questionable Content strip.
- Discussed when Faye chews out Dora about Dora's and Marten's ensuing relationship. Faye admits that she screwed up, but that there would also be hell to pay if Dora screwed up and hurt Marten.
- And again when Steve's ex gives the warning to Cosette. Steve's ex is a terrifying Russian spy named Tortura, so the warning is pretty severe and Cosette takes it absolutely seriously.
- And one more, when Faye tells Amanda's girlfriend "I'm obligated to warn you that if you hurt my sis, I'll murder you." With a note at the bottom of the image that "Faye doesn't know Evie is an Olympic-level judoka."
- In Roommates it's delivered by Mrs. Norrington (mother of Commodore Norrington) to Eponine. Here.
Mrs. Norrington: If you break his heart, Joan of Arc will look like a child's birthday candle compared to what I do to you.
- In The Order of the Stick, while Sigdi understands and accepts that Hilgya and Durkon are definitely not together despite having had a baby, she still works in one Breathless Non Sequitur while holding Kudzu, to make sure Hilgya knows the score.
Sigdi: I bet yer ma just loves ye ta bits, aye? I bet yer ma feels better knowin' thar's someone in yer pa's life who knows how ta take real good care of ye — just in case she ev'r puts a scratch on 'im again and yer Gramma Sigdi needs ta end her.
Hilgya: [Oh, Crap! face]
Sigdi: Is 'e on solids yet?
Hilgya: What? Uh — yeah. A little.
- In Worm, Aisha gives Taylor this warning when she starts a relationship with Aisha's older brother Brian, describing in detail the manner in which she will torture Taylor with her powers (Aisha's power gives her a Perception Filter that she can turn on and off at will, making her very good at Gaslighting) if she does anything wrong.
- Once on Ben 10, Gwen chews out Ben's crush Kai for insulting him: "He's a person, not a pet! You can't talk to my cousin like that! Only I can talk to my cousin like that!" Entirely non-romantic in context.
- Danny Phantom: Sam does this to Paulina when the latter sees Danny change forms in the episode "Lucky in Love."