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Creator / Christopher Titus

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"If there was a fuck-up Pope, I would have a three-foot hat."

"'Dysfunctional.' I'm not dysfunctional. I'm evolving to the next level."

Christopher Todd Titus (born October 1, 1964) is a comedian who has done work in many different areas of entertainment, but primarily in Stand-Up Comedy. Born in Newark, California, he began stand-up at the age of 18 with a simple gag he did at his high school about how to properly throw freshmen into the garbage can.

His experiences growing up were on the extreme end of what most people would consider "dysfunctional."

His father, Ken Titus — who worked in sales and spent some time in the National Guard — was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking womanizer with a string of failed marriages note  that each ended with Ken getting cleaned out of everything he had and constantly fighting for custody of his children. He used Tough Love (that sometimes bordered on self-esteem-crushing sadism) to set Titus and his brother Davenote  straight. Somewhat exempt from Ken's unique parenting style was Titus' sister Shannonnote . Titus has gone out of his way to try and show that Ken was never neglectfulnote  and went to great lengths to provide for his children. It's just that the loving and playful side of Ken's personality disappeared the moment he cracked open his first beer of the day. Luckily, the two of them were able to work through their issues and enjoyed a healthy relationship toward the end of Ken's life.

His mother Juanita (Ken's second wife; maiden name Holmes) was a concert pianist, spoke four languages, was a Supreme Chef (especially around Thanksgiving), had an IQ of 180 and competed in so many beauty pageants that she qualified for Miss California back in the 1960s. Despite her high intellect, stunning beauty, infectious charm and amazing talent, she was also a manipulative, mentally-ill note  alcoholic who never took her medication (choosing instead to drink alcohol to medicate it herself—which made her violent outbursts something akin to what you would find in a comic book supervillain) and could convince everyone—including mental hospital board members—into thinking she had her mental illness under control, only for her to fall into another psychotic episode note .

Christopher said that, for him, all this was just normal. It wasn't until much later in life that he realized it was wildly unusual and unhealthy and entered therapy — and found, during group sessions, that combat veterans dealing with PTSD saw his life experiences as being worse than what they went through.

One of the defining moments of Titus' life and a key part of his stand-up routine is the fact that, as a teenager, he was a big party animal, taking from his dad, who had a Jekyll & Hyde-style personality flip whenever he drank alcohol. Titus quit drinking and partying at the age of seventeen when he fell into a bonfire, severely burning both of his hands and almost suffocating from smoke inhalation. As he says "Anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off as a teenager and didn't die?"

When he started traveling the stand-up circuit, Titus kept his material in the realm of observational comedy of the "Hey, you ever walk into a store and see..." type. He was scared of showing the audience just how extreme he could be but, under the demands of his manager, he began edging in his dysfunctional family life into his act. Specifically, he talked about how scared he was that his mother's insanity could be genetic and that he wanted to stay away from utensils while guests were around. The results surprised him as the audience loved it, and if he ever went back to the "walk into a store" routine, they would immediately turn off. Eventually, his material encompassed everything about his family and the stuff he had to deal with.

Titus considers his routine to be "Therapeutic Stand-Up," in that being able to joke about such topics as domestic violence, mental illness, suicide, family dysfunction, Domestic Abuse and alcoholism has allowed him to accept those things in his life, try and make peace with his father, and move on to make sure that no one has to suffer like he did. He started to make it big in the late 90's with some TV guest appearances and becoming a featured performer at various comedy clubs.

His act caught the attention of FOX television producers Jack Kenny and Brian Hargrove who met with him about adapting his act (now named Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding) into the television show Titus, which aired in early 2000. They took many of the bits of the act and adapted it into entire episodes, and other episodes were directly inspired by events from Christopher's life. Kenny and Hargrove had experience in theater arts and Christopher is a stage performer, so much of the show was structured in that way. It was a remarkably well-conceived and well-received television show and lasted a respectable three years but, because of the material, it was considered "pushing the envelope" too much and was canceled. Christopher said he preferred the show was canceled due to its content rather than being "not funny." He admitted (detailed in his The Voice in My Head special) that he mouthed off to the President of Fox at the start of Season 3 when she gave him a new direction she thought the show should go in. He proceeded to explain how horrible an idea it was, but did it in front of her entire staff, making a life-long enemy and limiting a lot of his chances to break into television.

After the show, he continued to make random TV appearances but regularly made the stand-up circuit. He had a role in the drama Big Shots that lasted only one season due to the 2007-2008 Writers' Guild strike (which took down a lot of up-and-coming shows and put a lot of Long-Runners on hiatus until February 2008). He even took a spin as a game show host on the game-show Pawnography, a spin-off of the reality show Pawn Stars.

Outside of his professional career, he is an avid car fan (reflected in Titus) and close friends with legendary car customizer Chip Foose. He is also involved with the Titus Podcast, a popular podcast begun in early 2011, with every episode beginning with the "Armageddon Update" where he takes some horrific recent news story and proceeds to talk about the moral values involved. Except in relentlessly heavy touring schedules, the podcast is largely released weekly. The podcast lineup originally consisted of Titus, longtime friend Tommy "Stuntman Tommy" Primo and his now-wife Rachel "Bombshell Rae" Bradley (the new girlfriend as described in Love is Evol). Stuntman Tommy exited the podcast in October 2012, replaced by "Colonel Jeff" Fox (a podcasting veteran occasionally heard on shows on the Adam Carolla Network). "Nerdpunk Jeff", as he was known on the show, remained until January 2014, when he was replaced by Titus' own half-brother, Willie "Jello" Johnson... until it was revealed that the African-American "Willie 'Jello' Johnson" was actually a character created and voiced, believe it or not, by Titus himself. As explained in the episode "The Death of Willie 'Jello' Johnson", Unfortunate Implications led to Titus "killing off" the character, though he does come back in subsequent episodes up to and including the present.

In 2017, he wrote and directed his first independent film Special Unit, about an LA cop forced to supervise a new squad consisting of various individuals with special needs ranging from autism to cerebral palsy to dwarfism. The film was in Development Hell for about a decade, a pilot for a tv series was made back in 2006 for Comedy Central and was passed on.

The Comedy Specials that Christopher Titus has made include the following:

  • Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004): Covers most of his childhood and the early part of his adult life. Key moments involve living with his hard-assed father, having a schizophrenic mother, realizing that his family is dysfunctional, the bonfire incident, taping his dad's drunken stop at a checkpoint during a news broadcast (which he showed every holiday until Ken's death), dating an abusive Jewish girl who was as brainy, manipulative and bipolar as his mom, dating Erin (and the fight that ensued when they temporarily broke up and both of them cheated on each other), his mom's abusive relationships with other men (including when she murdered her second husband in 1986) and dealing with his mom's suicide (including the incident in which he freaked out on an airplane after smelling a turkey dinner).
  • 5th Annual End-Of-The-World Tour (2007): Covers his time as a parent and how scared he is that the world is falling apart after the September 11 attacks (his daughter was born late August 2001, making him feel his timing was way off). Key moments involve both the decision to have kids and the birth of his daughter, the need for an apology to be made to fix the race barriers, the lack of definitive decision-making in both the government and religious issues (pedophile pastors), events in raising his kids, and his father's death and bizarre funeral.
  • Love Is Evol (2009): Covers the time after he had divorced his wife and his thoughts on the emotional baggage of trying to find love and why people stay with mates who are either unfaithful or abusive. Key moments involve his failing marriage to "Kate" note , the circumstances behind the divorce, Titus's near-suicide after finding out that his wife cheated on him with two guys, Titus' wife claiming abuse during their divorce trial and Titus meeting a newer, younger girlfriend with a loving, functional family (which confused him intensely).
  • Neverlution (2011): Thematically similar to "5th Annual," Titus now talks about how badly America's ethics, morals and common sense has slipped in the last decade (specifically when George W. Bush was elected in 2000). Topics and stories include how America is too complacent to have another revolution, Barack Obama being elected in 2008, how badly America's parenting has gotten in 10 years (specifically when meeting a rude, fat kid at the DMV whose father had no idea how to discipline him), America's dependency on prescription medication and technology, a revelation he had about his father at a self-help seminar and the idea of a "Late-Term Abortion" law note .
  • The Voice in My Head (2013) [a.k.a Epic Fail]: Less politically and emotionally charged than his previous specials, the heart of the show revolves around six stories of his greatest "epic fails," from mocking a military attack dog to a one-time high school job being a low-rent Darth Vader for birthday parties to his "$30 million mistake" clashing with the head of FOX and costing him his show. This culminates in what he considers his greatest moment, meeting Bruce Springsteen and discovering the man was a fan of his work which, coming off one of the worst years of his life (his divorce from Erin Carden), was a humbling and life-affirming experience. The special was initially only available on Titus' website and was completely self-produced (so he could offer a Director's Cut version to fans), eventually making a deal with Comedy Central to air it months later. 10% of the profits made on the DVD of his special go towards his charity The Insight Youth Project (focusing on helping youth from troubled and/or dysfunctional homes).
  • Angry Pursuit of Happiness (2014): Titus' second self-produced special, filmed in September 2014 and released December 5, 2014, also available only through his website (though Comcast's Xfinity On-Demand program has this special in the TV section under "Comedy Central Stand-Up"). This show goes into detail about the utter hell we go through in order to be happy, that no one is able to be comfortable in the moment. Among his many new bits, he believes the world would be a better place if we "Arm the children."
  • Born with a Defect (2015): The primary focus is on his kids and being a parent, realizing how horrible he was as a child and how bad his kids can be.
  • Amerigeddon (2018): It skewers both sides of the political aisle and tries to remind the audience that they can weather the state of the Union.
  • Stories I Shoudn't Tell (2019): Talks about his life as a child with both his mother and father. Originally stories that he wanted to talk about that didn't fit in his other specials.
  • Carrying Monsters (2021): Talking about his "monsters" (aka things that still make him angry), and the various things that have made him who he is today. Stories include how his dad managed to legally kidnap him and how he lost custody of his kids because he talked too much in court. Filmed and released during the COVID-19 Pandemic.
  • Zero Side Effects (2022): Talking about the then-current political climate, mostly about the fallout from the COVID-19 Pandemic and how much his worldview had changed because of it. Also makes fun of white supremacists and recounts the time he had to issue an apology to Sarah Palin for a joke.

Tropes present in Titus' work:

  • An Aesop:
    • Invoked. Titus uses humor to prevent himself from getting a victim complex and to not look at his life as something outside of his control. He ends each routine with a moral based on what his dad taught him his entire life — "quit being a wussy" and never quit fighting for your right to be happy.
      Titus: What do you say you get down off that cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it?
    • In Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, the doctor that treated him after he'd fallen into a bonfire, able to get through Titus' drunken haze by getting in his face and yelling that, if he had inhaled when he fell, he would be dead from his lungs collapsing due to excessive smoke inhalation. It was what convinced Titus that he really needed to start turning his life around, right then.
  • The Alcoholic:
    • Both of his parents (their divorce settlement included payment of their bar tab), but his dad especially (according to Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, there are no pictures of Ken without a beer in his hand, from family pictures to pictures of him at parent-teacher meetings).
    • He talks about his own experiences in recovery, having been scared into sobriety by the high-school bonfire incident.
  • Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: His mother once showed up to his high school graduation in a pair of white thigh-high vinyl go-go boots and an Army jacket—without pants or underwear.
    So either something was wrong with her, or she was commander of the Stripper Battalion.
  • Amicably Divorced: Averted. He is not on good terms with his ex-wife note , and he has doubts that such a thing is really possible. In Neverlution, he reveals that his divorce took five years to finalize and his ex-wife walked away with $2 million dollars in alimony and shared custody of the kids. Born With a Defect also has Titus talk about how exchanging kids for the week is treated like a hostage exchange, and how his ex-wife once got the cops called on Titus when his daughter was upset about it.
  • Amusing Injuries: The bonfire incident may or may not count, depending on how dark your sense of humor is, but there are definitely some others.
    • Smashing his hand to bits during a martial-arts demonstration... then having to shake hands with a succession of visiting grand-masters.
      "Hmm, that feel like bag of Lincoln Logs!"
    • Sticking his hand into a ceiling fan while trying to romance his new girlfriend.
  • Angrish:
    • "I knew when my father could no longer form a word, I was about to visit a gray area."note 
    • After falling into the bonfire, he was brought home to endure the wrath of his dad (especially bad since he was grounded and supposed to still be in his room). He walks up the stairs to the front door and Ken comes out about ready to beat him up. But upon seeing him, hair singed, hands bandaged, high on painkillers, Ken could only pace around the porch and expel a high pitch squawk. Looking back Titus was almost proud "I had gone one step beyond getting my ass kicked."
    • In Born With A Defect, Titus himself lapses into this when dealing with his kids' especially stupid moments. Of note are him telling his son to put on pants after finding him sitting naked from the waist down watching television on Titus's leather couch, and finding out what that smell is in his daughter's room. At one point, he even goes outside to mutter angrily about them, and someone gave him a dollar, thinking him to be one of the country's homeless population.
  • Angst? What Angst?: Invoked. Titus was initially very apathetic about his mom's suicide (though he and his dad were relieved that Juanita's suicide was just a suicide and no one else died along with her). In fact, he was annoyed when people urged him to feel sad that his mother was dead. This lasted until he had a mental breakdown on an airplane after smelling a turkey dinner. At the time this happened, a lot of people were on edge because of the Unabomber and what happened to the Oklahoma City building (and Titus added that, nowadays because of the 9/11 attacks, having a mental breakdown on a plane is the worst thing you can do, as his show later demonstrated).
  • Armed Farces: His account of his dad's time as a National Guardsman in Love Is Evol certainly suggests there was a damn good reason Ken "Papa" Titus was "busted down three times" from the rank of Sergeant.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: One of the staples of his routine.
    • "We had everything in my family! Prescription drug abuse. Mental illness. One of my uncles was a Mormon."
    • In the same special as the above quote (Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding), he described Los Angeles as the city of "drive-bys, riots, fires, floods, earthquakes, and producers."
  • Ascended Extra: His "inner retard" as introduced in Love is Evol is basically a co-star in The Voice in My Head, since the show revolves around his most embarrassing stories.
  • Asshole Victim: Comes up a lot in his specials, and they're not always members of his family or extended family. His dad was frequently an asshole and a victim during his literal run-in with a police checkpoint (Titus mentions how Ken swerved into the checkpoint), Titus himself is a self-proclaimed one of these, his mother's last husband beat her for not having Thanksgiving dinner on the table when he got home, so she threw a boiling pot of potatoes at him, and shortly after shot him dead with his own gun ("Yeah, they don't give you another one after that. They take your name out of the marriage catalog."), and that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
  • Attention Whore: Freely admits that as a comic, he thrives off the approval of others and will do almost anything to be given the spotlight.
  • Ax-Crazy: The women in Titus' life:
    • His mother shot one of her abusive husbands after he beat her up for not having dinner done.
    • One of the women in the "Briar Patch of psycho bitches" he dated stabbed him and successfully convinced him that he forced her to stab him.
    • His ex-wife "Kate" went after him with a knife during the years when their marriage was falling apart.
  • Babies Ever After: After an entire set of him describing how messed up his life had been, the end credits of Norman Rockwell is Bleeding show old photos of Chris and his family, the final one being of him with his pregnant (now ex) wife and the words "to be continued" underneath. Also counts as Harsher in Hindsight when you find out (in Love is Evol) how their relationship ended up. "To be continued" indeed.
  • Black Comedy: So very much.
    • (When his audience isn't sure how to react to Titus' joke about how he was the one who hung his mom's psychiatric therapy art on the refrigerator): "You'd better lighten the fuck up. We're going a lot deeper than that tonight."
    • When talking about all the things that the Time Square Car Bomb terrorist did wrong: "I've been doing this for twenty-five years and I have NEVER been that funny!" Titus also described it as a "Jim Carrey movie" due to how ridiculous and full of Epic Fail it was.
    • Apparently it ran in the family. When Titus's dad would refer to the fact that his ex-wife shot and killed her husband, he would say "hey, dodged that bullet!"
    • It's honestly easier to count the bits that don't have this. He's probably the only comedian in history to be able to say that he killed a baby with comedy and get a laugh. Twice.
      That's right. Joke number five: we killed a baby with a combine. Get ready, bitches.
  • Black Comedy Rape:
    • "Be proud you're screwed up! But don't get too proud, like I am. I bet a guy in a bar that I was more screwed up than him... and he raped me. So I tipped him! I'm very competitive."
    • In Neverlution, Titus tells the audience that, when he was kid, the people in his neighborhood believed in the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child," as seen when a man in the neighborhood caught Titus (who was a kid at the time) setting cats on fire. As the man is dragging Titus home to his dad, Titus begs the man to lock him up in the man's basement and rape him rather than take him home to incur the wrath of his Jerkass father.
    • Titus referring to Lady Gaga as proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.
    • In Amerigeddon, Titus talks about how Mad Max would really be as there would be a lot of raped involved. However, he admits that he would be the first one to be raped due to his looks.
  • Brain Bleach: Titus' reaction to learning that his grandmother (Juanita's mom, not Ken's) tried seducing his father a week after he'd married Chris' mother. Also his reaction to the heartwarming tale of his own conception, but given his parents he should've known better...
  • Breaking the Cycle of Bad Parenting: After his kids were born, he vowed to himself that he wouldn't be the kind of abusive parent that was normal when he grew up. However, a lot of his comedy specials include how hard this was for him to do, including divorcing his first wife and losing custody of his kids for a time.
  • Brick Joke: It's amazing how context can make the following description sound so very, very different:
    I'm 6'2", I'm tan, I'm blonde, I'm wearing white pants... I'm a very pretty man!
  • Brief Accent Imitation: Master Kim. "Comedyboy! Stuntaman!"
  • Brutal Honesty: In "Love is Evol" he has a bit on how you could get a companion the same way you get a customized coffee order from Starbucks. "I want a tall, hot... shot of mocha (wink). Oh, and non-fat." He brings up that audiences often don't appreciate the last one, but says that when he was having problems and wondering why the relationship isn't as hot and passionate as it used to be he had to look at himself and assess if he was close to his weight when they were dating. "So you can either get mad, or get yourself a treadmill, your choice."
  • Bullying a Dragon:
    • In The Voice in My Head, he tells a story of how he got to do some stuff with Navy SEALs at a compound in San Diego for a Comedy Central production. While readying to do an attack-dog simulation, he proceeded to make fun of the attack dog's name Tako (take-o), calling him "Taco" instead and doing stupid Mexican jokes (because, by his own admission, he's an idiot). The dog's handler responded by making the attack a little more vicious than intended.
      Camera's still rolling, trainer leans down | | this far from my face, and goes - "Dog's name is Tako, asshole."
    • Juanita's second husband, who had no qualms about beating up women, thought it was okay to hurl Juanita's turkey after coming home and having to wait fifteen minutes until it was fully ready, then beat the shit out of her when she got mad. When you bear in mind that Juanita was a violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic who rarely took her prescribed medication, was an alcoholic, and tried and failed at killing her first husband (Ken Titus), is it any wonder that he got what he deserved (read: shot dead while Juanita was acquitted of all charges, won his life insurance policy, and became owner of his shooting range)?
  • Calling the Old Man Out: When Titus was 17, he went through that phase where he wants to fight his father because he thinks he can take him. See Wimp Fight for how that turned out.
    • Titus tried to pull this when he was going to buy The Alleged Car in Born With A Defect, and Ken told him he was coming with to make sure Titus didn't buy a complete piece of crap, which the car was. After a Sherlock Scan of the car and saving him $800note , this was roundly averted by Titus telling everyone how he specifically remembered thinking how much he loved his dad because it was the first time he'd ever thought it.
  • *Click* Hello / Right Behind Me: Joked about how his father once pulled this on him, with the sound of a beer can opening.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: In his podcast, he discussed this trope, saying how he doesn't like filling up his language with harsh curse words like so many other comedians these days because it demeans any message he is trying to give, and he hates people who think swearing excessively makes them mature and intelligent. But this came after discussing the Josh Powell incident (the finale of the Susan Powell event) and Titus was so pissed off and swearing his friends of the podcast were making sure he was okay. Given Christopher's own experience with custody hearings both as a kid and with his own kids, it's understandable that would be a Berserk Button.
  • Combat Sadomasochist: While one of his psycho girlfriends (the one with the "sugar imbalance") was smacking him around because of a bookshelf, he tried to call 911 and then hit her in self-defense. She... rather liked that. His response was to scream in terror and lock himself in the bathroom.
  • Comically Missing the Point: The "Arm the children" bit from Angry Pursuit of Happiness is intended to be a lampoon of the ridiculously extreme end of pro-gun propaganda; in his thank-you's to the audience during the credits, he notes that some fans have come up to him post-show and praised the bit in a way that indicated they thought it was a semi-serious manifesto.
  • Comedic Sociopathy: His shows run on this.
  • Country Matters: Discussed in The Voice in My Head, calling a woman a "cunt" is only appropriate to the .00001% who deserve it rightfully.
  • Dark and Troubled Past: His father was a verbally abusive jerk who went through women the way ordinary men go through tissues; his mom, despite her talent and intellect, was mentally ill and committed suicide; his sister was raised by his deranged mother and committed suicide after her boyfriend dumped her; his brother is a pot-smoking idiot who never amounted to anything; and Titus himself survived dating (and marrying) women who were just as bad (if not worse than) his mother in terms of being mentally ill and/or unfaithful. The only solace Titus takes from this is that (a) it toughened him up for the real world, (b) it led him to earn his happy ending in the form of getting custody of his kids and dating a woman who was mentally stable, and (c) he found humor in his horrible life and share it with others.
  • Death by Irony: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding has a doozy. The boyfriend who abused Titus' mom and got shot three times for it was also the boyfriend who owned two acres of land, and took Titus' mom out regularly to teach her how to shoot a gun.
    Titus: Here's a tip for you, guys - if you're gonna beat her, don't teach her to fire the weapon!
  • Defiled Forever: Briefly referenced when he jokes about what his new girlfriend's ("Bombshell Rae") father, who is decorated Marine and Vietnam veteran, and brothers, all of whom are ripped and one of those is Federal agent, would do to him if he ever hurt her.
    Titus: (Tearfully, having been thrown from a moving van) We have to break up! You wouldn't want me now anyway.
  • Determinator: He took advice from a meeting with George Carlin to continually work on new material and not wuss out and rehash what you know works. For most comics, coming up with a brand-new show every 18-24 months is unheard of.
  • Disability as an Excuse for Jerkassery: In Voice in my Head, Titus talks about his friend and fellow comic Michael Aronin, who suffers from cerebral palsy and one time turned up the disability "3000%"note  in response to a waitress who thought Disabled Means Helpless.
    Titus: Mike, dead serious, "That bitch deserved it."
    Titus: I see Satan flash across Mike's face, and my first thought is "You don't deserve better parking, because you're an evil prick."
  • Disney Acid Sequence: In Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, Titus tells the story of how he survived falling in a bonfire and was taken to an emergency "shack" where the doctor put him on painkillers (while still drunk). He describes seeing a world where everyone was a lizard, a "Stanley Kubrick/Charlie Brown cartoon" where everyone was spinning and spoke in that muffled trumpet noise that the adults on the Charlie Brown cartoons used as voices, and then sees the doctor who yells at him as Jesus.
  • Double Standard: Abuse, Female on Male: Subverted. Christopher jokes about the physical and mental abuse he had to take from his past girlfriends (and even his ex-wife), but the trauma nearly drove him to suicide and denouncing God.
  • Driven to Suicide:
    • Titus' mom committed suicide after spending a year in court-ordered psychiatric therapy and realizing that her mental illness was the reason why her life was falling apart. Fortunately, Juanita didn't take anyone with her when she decided to end it all.
    • His sister, Shannon, killed herself according to Love is Evol. Neverlution explains that Kirsten killed herself because her on-again, off-again boyfriend broke up with her permanently and she wanted to teach him a lesson in not toying with her emotions.
    • Titus himself was nearly driven to suicide when he found out that his ex-wife was cheating on him with two men (one of which was a 60-year-old man who was richer than he was), but he decided not to give Erin the satisfaction and instead took her to court so he can divorce her.
    • Titus also felt suicidal from the time he was 10 to around his late-20s because he thought his father resented him for forcing him to sacrifice everything he had and everything he wanted to be just so he can be a single father.
  • Drunk Driver: Titus is against teetotalers running interference against this, instead advocating that those that have been through AA take the spot. After all, would a potential drunk-driver listen to someone that's never had a drink, or the guy with a 10-year chip from AA?
  • Dumbass Has a Point: When the funeral director suggested a "rental casket" because Christopher's father wanted to be buried in a cardboard box (see The "Fun" in "Funeral" below), Titus' brother Dave asked, "Who brought it back?". Christopher pointed out that it was a genius question.note 
  • Dysfunctional Family: Besides the Jerkass, functioning alcoholic dad and the Ax-Crazy, mentally-ill, Driven to Suicide mom, Titus also had a brother who smoked weed (Dave), a sister who lived with Titus' mentally-ill mom, witnessed the murder of her abusive stepfather (and was probably within earshot when said stepfather regularly beat and berated her mentally-ill mom), and eventually killed herself as well, had a grandmother on his mom's side who tried to seduce Ken two weeks after her daughter (Juanita) married him, another grandmother (Ken's mother) who was cruel to Ken (just like Ken was to Titus) because she was in an emotionally abusive relationship with the man she loved note , a distant relative who murdered six people during the 1920s, several family members who were addicted to prescription medication, an uncle who killed two people at his surprise birthday party (this was featured on the sitcom when Titus talks about massacres that started off with "Surprise!"), and another uncle who was a Mormon.

    In Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, he said that having a screwed-up family helped him deal with how messed up Real Life could be, even boasting of how proud he is to be dysfunctional. But being in a dysfunctional family (and having horribly dysfunctional in-laws note ) skewed his idea of what was normal and acceptable family behavior and what wasn't (such as getting in a fistfight with his dad over losing his tools, driving his drunk father to his psychotic, manipulative mother's latest parole hearing, and having the cops appear at every family gathering). In Neverlution, he comments that this wasn't the healthy mindset to have, especially after seeing how good his girlfriend's family was.
  • Earn Your Happy Ending:
    • The Voice in My Head is one humiliating anecdote of Titus' life after another...until he ends it with a story of how he got to meet Bruce Springsteen and had "the greatest night of my life."
    • Love is Evol. After Titus tells his crushing story of how his wife abused him and ruined his life, Titus rants that there is no God and he'll never find love again...until he met his current girlfriend (a 5'11" Diesel Jeans model with two college degrees and breasts implants that she actually bought herself), who he eventually married, and despite some embarrassing moments, has actually found love with a mentally stable woman.
  • Epic Fail: The Voice in My Head covers the greatest "epic fails" (in those exact words) in his life - specifically, ruining a child's birthday party while dressed as Darth Vader, accidentally calling out a blind woman at one of his shows for looking at him weird, getting to drive a fast car and promptly wrecking it on the race track, breaking his hand at a martial arts practice three times over, and, finally, antagonizing the FOX network president and getting his show cancelled.
  • Five-Second Foreshadowing: In The Voice in my Head, Titus talks about a military attack dog named Tako (with a hard "a") that he called Taco to be funny. When the dog then attacks him later, his handler starts telling him to get off while calling him Taco instead of Tako, which is a very quick sign that the handler is screwing with him about 20 seconds before it's confirmed.
  • Freaky Is Cool: This contributed to some of his popularity growing up, as his house was quite popular for sleepovers. Why? Because his dad got divorced five times and all of his wives cleaned him out, leaving him with a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV and a rubber raft for a couch. Not that the kids minded; they could use the raft to row to breakfast and be Captain Crunch for a day.
  • Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: Titus injects this mindset into all of his work, especially his stand-up comedy. Despite having a terrible childhood and an adult life that wasn't much better, he has chosen to "be an anti-depressant" instead of dwelling on his past or whining about it. As such, he regularly tears into people who refuse to make their own lives better and deconstructs their mindsets as pointlessly self-destructive.
    "Why don't you climb down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!?
  • From Bad to Worse: His stories in The Voice in My Head escalate in this way. He also talks about his stupid antics with his new girlfriend in Love is Evol.
    Titus: (after sticking his hand in a ceiling fan while preparing for an intimate moment) That's not the worst story.
  • Functional Addict: Titus' dad. Despite spending most of his time drinking, smoking, partying, chasing skirts and getting married and divorced several times, he never missed payments on the house or car, didn't deprive his kids of necessities or luxuries (and sometimes had to deprive himself of necessities and luxuries just so they can be happy), and always went to work.
  • The "Fun" in "Funeral": His father's funeral, according to The 5th Annual End of the World Tour. Ken wanted to be buried in a cardboard box, invited everyone he pissed off in life to, well, piss on him (including his own son) while Willie Nelson's "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" played. They also charged a cover (but ladies got free admission). A friend of his father's said "It was either the best or the worst funeral ever." Then there was what happened after his dad got cremated. Ken's last wish involved his ashes put in a douche bottle and a hooker who was willing to run him through one more time. Christopher tried to go through with it, and ultimately decided to take his brother Dave and sister Shannon to spread the ashes all over several Victoria's Secret dressing rooms and all over the gambling floor of a Caesar's Palace in Lake Tahoe, Nevada (where they felt Ken's presence when Titus spread his ashes on a blackjack table and everyone at the table lost note ).
  • Gallows Humor: The driving force behind his stand-up routines is to joke about his crazy, often heartbreaking, life. He explains it as such in the final moments of Norman Rockwell is Bleeding that maybe things would have been better for his mom if she joked about her messed-up life instead of letting it consume her (though, there was also the chance that Juanita still would have gone berserk by shooting everyone up with a high-caliber weapon. According to Titus, she was "Woo, out there!")
  • Hands-Off Parenting: Titus finds the very concept utterly bizarre, having grown up in a functionally abusive household. Titus once saw a parent who barely disciplined his child at all at the DMV, when the kid was clearly acting like a Spoiled Brat. According to Titus, the kid "made the DMV worse!"
  • Harmful to Minors: According to Titus during his "Born with a Defect" special, his father once took him along on a date to the drive-in, where the movie playing was Magnum Force.
    Titus: I was wearing feetie pajamas! And in the first three minutes of this movie, a dude in a cop uniform - who I'd been taught to trust my whole life - kicks in a door and shoots two people having naked, bushy, '70s sex. The dude falls off the bed, the woman turns - full boob-shot - I went through puberty at six! And then he shoots her in the boobs, and now I gotta buy weird magazines the rest of my life.
  • The Heckler: It's happened to him plenty of times and he brings up individual moments in his podcast.
    • Neverlution had a moment left in where a guy got upset over his anti-prescription medication rant and he destroyed the guy by suggesting he must have a lot of stock in one of the drugs.
    • Discussed in The Voice in My Head. Titus has an entire bit built around this, as he said the worst thing someone can do to a comedian isn't to heckle, but rather sit right up front and never laugh at anything they say, because every comedian is an Attention Whore. So one of his Epic Fails is him being annoyed by someone who refused to make eye contact with him until he eventually snapped at her, and the audience went silent as he stormed off-stage.
      Titus: I go backstage, it was a little kitchenette 'cause it was a town auditorium. The comedian I'm working with, this guy named Carl Banks, is lying on the floor in front of the stove, curled up in the fetal position, and he is shaking with laughter. And I go "What the hell is your problem, man?!" And he goes - (gasping for air) "She's blind! Hahahaha! She's blind! Hahahaha! You were screaming into the face of a blind woman! And she had no idea!"
    • Another notable one would just laugh in a drawn-out manner during the quiet parts, and because he wasn't verbalizing anything, Titus couldn't shut him down. When pressed, he told Titus in a thick Southern accent that he was in the Air Force, to which Titus said "Why? You couldn't get into a real college?" This upset the heckler enough to rush the stage and threaten to beat Titus' ass, which he later did after the show because the audience said they'd beat HIS ass if he attacked Titus on-stage.
  • Hidden Depths: He doesn't really cover it in his comedy, but he is a huge supporter of those with mental and physical disabilities and produced Special Unit to showcase actors and comedians mainstream productions would otherwise ignore.
  • Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Special mention goes to "Anti-Dad" Ken Titus.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: When he talked about how his mother won her murder case and how her abusive husband kept guns around so he can teach her how to shoot. Not a good idea, especially if your wife is a violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic who is said to act like a Batman villain when she hits her manic mode (or, in Titus' words: "What a dumb ass! Here's a tip for ya, guys—if you're gonna beat [your wife], don't teach her how to fire the weapon!").
  • Hypocritical Humor:
    • Titus' father Ken frequently gave him the "Drunk Driving Lecture" (occasionally when not needed. "Probably because I fell into a bonfire."), despite the fact that Ken always drank beer in his car sometimes on tap. Then Titus remarks that maybe it wasn't Ken being hypocritical. Maybe it was helpful tips from the master.
    • In Love Is Evol, Titus mentions that his father stayed with his sixth and final wife because he "...didn't want people thinking he couldn't commit."
    • From Titus' Domestic Abuse-laden version of The Night Before Christmas (this was when he was with the Jewish girl who always beat him up and was heavily implied to be bipolar, judging by how she quickly went from loving to murderous): "So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top/And I screamed like a little girl, "I'm calling the cops!"
    • When Titus finally slapped his abusive girlfriend after she cracked him in the face five times while he was trying to call the cops on her yet again, he found out that she was Too Kinky to Torture (the moment she was slapped, she gasped and shuddered orgasmically). Titus dealt with his revelation like a locking himself in the bathroom before the cops showed up.
    • From the same special, he proclaims (when his friends were trying to get him to grieve over his mom's suicide): "Look, dickhead! I am not, and never have been in denial! No!"
    • In Neverlution, Titus talks about how the pharmaceutical companies could make a drug that would make everyone happy, but don't because that means they'd have no control...a fact he didn't realize until he stopped taking his medication.
  • Inelegant Blubbering: Titus' reaction to his mother's death.
    Titus: Now I'm lying on the floor in a fetal position and I'm crying. And I don't mean "crying", I mean "snot-coming-out-of-my-nose, booger-bubbles bursting all over the place..."
  • In Mysterious Ways: In Love Is Evol, someone invoked this trope during his divorce with "Kate". The idea that God would put him through a "brutal, disembowling nightmare" has him shouting "THERE IS NO GOD!" Fortunately, God then reveals that he caused the divorce because he wanted Titus to get together with another woman who was miles better than "Kate".
  • Insane Troll Logic: An old girlfriend managed to convince him that it was his fault she stabbed him because he left the keys out and made it easy for her to just stab him. It worked and Titus apologized for it.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Ken Titus. A mean bastard but, by God, did he love his kids. See the Functional Addict entry above for the lengths he went to in order to provide for them. Every cent he ever earned that he didn't spend on beer or gambling, he spent on his kids, and at one point, successfully kidnapped Christopher to protect his son from his psychotic mother.
  • Just Here for Godzilla: Invoked; when Titus released his specials on YouTube, he added a short intro to each of them to talk about the special and his plans for the future. With Angry Pursuit of Happiness, all he had to say was "it's got 'Arm the Children' on it!"
  • Last-Name Basis: With a few exceptions, he goes by "Titus," and has since high school. At least one of his albums has been advertised with just his last name on the cover.
  • Like Parent, Like Spouse: Realized this during an argument over what went on the bookshelf with one of his more violent girlfriends.
    Titus: Well, she had a 180 IQ. Wait a minute, mom had a 180 IQ... (Facepalms at the realization)
    • And of course, the entirety of the "briar patch of psycho-bitches" would probably fit the bill in a general sense.
  • Love Makes You Crazy: The primary subject of his special Love is Evol. As he said, "Crazy makes you crazy."
  • Man on Fire: Almost died when he got drunk and fell into a bonfire. Had Titus not screamed and his idiot friends not rescued him in time, he would have been dead from inhaling the heat of the fire, which would have collapsed his lungs.
  • Malicious Misnaming: During an encounter with a military attack dog named "Tako" (said with a long "a"), Titus decided it would be funny to call him "Taco" and make every offensive Mexican joke he could think of. The handler got pissed and goaded Titus into participating in a takedown demonstration and made sure it both hurtnote  and went on for longer than necessary by giving commands to "Taco", which the dog ignored, to drive the point home to Titus that the dog's name is "Tako".
  • Mathematician's Answer: In an interview about Neverlution:
    Interviewer: What's more screwed-up: America or your family?
    Titus: Yes.
  • Mood Whiplash: His routines are about his life and often include serious, heartbreaking moments. Some examples are his dad telling him about his mother's suicide, the death of his father, his daughter being born just a few days before the 9/11 attacks, his attempted suicide after finding out his wife was cheating on him, and his angry outburst that God doesn't exist after someone tells him that the divorce was "God's Will" (followed by God telling Titus that the divorce happened so he (Titus) can meet a woman who wasn't a psycho bitch nor had a dysfunctional family).
  • Moral Event Horizon: Invoked. He started to realize his marriage was falling apart when his wife said "I wish you would kill yourself like your mom and your sister did." He called it a "switch" moment when he realized that they probably wouldn't be able to work things out.
  • Mushroom Samba:
  • No Medication for Me: He tried therapy and knew medication wasn't enough to help his mom, so while he says that there should probably be a law forcing him to take antidepressants he chose to BE an antidepressant (one you can safely take with alcohol). His "Neverlution" special has him go on a long tirade about how dependent American society is on medication for any problems we have. His Mom hated her meds because even though she needed them it doesn't make you happy, it takes you to a middle-ground and she wanted both highs and lows.
  • "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: He reinforces in many interviews that, while some jokes are not verbatim what was said (his father died before his show was canceled, so Papa Titus wouldn't have had a chance to make fun of Christopher for it), the events in Broad Strokes actually happened to him.
  • N-Word Privileges: In a roundabout way of using the trope, he brings up a friend and fellow comedian with cerebral palsy and how he realizes that some disabled people "use that against us." He also discusses the use of the word "retard" and why he uses it to describe people with all their faculties who are complete morons, 'cause there are many people who are disabled in one way or another who are actually more advanced.
  • Off the Rails:
    • Some guy in the audience tried to heckle him in the Neverlution recording, where Christopher easily turned it around because he "does this for a living."
    • In The Voice in My Head has him describe how comics are trained to deal with the audience and compensate for a heckler, but he describes several moments in his career where things go south during a performance because of his own stupidity. Once because the manager himself interrupted the act with a random message, another time with a white trash Air Force guy and the worst had him mocking a blind lady because he thought she was being inattentive.
  • Old Shame: In Zero Side Effects, he laments doing a routine about kids getting participation trophies. Later in life, Titus would take a more active stance in political policies, such as being staunchly anti-Republican and pro-environmentalist. Upon seeing the state of the world with this mindset, Titus apologized to the generation he made fun of by saying that a small bit of happiness in a Crapsack World was probably not something he needed to be concerned about anymore.
  • Papa Wolf: Ken Titus literally kidnapped Christopher in order to protect him from his mentally ill mother.
  • Police Are Useless: Prior to a particular domestic violence law in California, police responses to domestic violence disputes amounted to "Hey, whoa!" repeated multiple times - until they got called later because one half of the couple killed the other.
  • Precision F-Strike: He is very particular about his language and, in different venues, you can see him trying to figure if a swear word is funnier than a less vulgar word. He isn't afraid of swearing, but you almost never hear a Cluster F-Bomb.
  • Psycho Ex: He's been with a number of women who've been emotionally and physically abusive towards him, including the woman he thought was his soul mate.
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: At least 75% of his material is things that happened directly to him, and many of the bits from his TV show not actually in his specials also actually happened to him (such as getting a call that his dad was dead because he hadn't left his room in three days—not even to get a beer, or buying a back-alley VCR and ending up with a box of bricks).
  • Refuge in Audacity: The story of how his father got custody of him. Ken was refused custody of Christopher for being an unfit father and was sent to Juanita, who wasn't a better parent, as she was mentally ill and an alcoholic. The child support payments she was supposed to use for Titus ended up going to her for booze, and Titus was sent to live with Juanita's parents in Michigan. Ken hatches a plot to kidnap his son—and inadvertently tells his plot to a man on an airplane who works as a district attorney. Rather than arrest him, the district attorney (after a few drinks with Ken) reveals that he's going through a divorce too and gives Ken some legal tips on how to convince the judge to let Christopher live with him again. Only in Christopher Titus' highly-outrageous world would this be considered a believable story and a plan that actually worked without any repercussions.
  • Remember When You Blew Up a Sun?: Him falling into a bonfire.
  • Role-Ending Misdemeanor: He eventually admitted that Titus was canceled because he grew tired of the Executive Meddling going on with the show, and during a season three meeting with the Fox Network President, he called her an idiot who didn't understand the show, and went on to describe, in detail, why her idea was bad. In The Voice in My Head, he listed this event as his greatest mistake, one that cost him (writer, producer, actor) twenty million dollars and the jobs of the rest of the cast and crew. "You call your boss an idiot enough times, and they WILL fire you."
  • Running Gag: He makes each special with at least one or two:
    • Norman Rockwell is Bleeding: Falling into the bonfire and doing a "Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha," getting progressively more genuine as the show progressed.
    • 5th Annual: "I'm whitey, and I apologize" (except for when he talks about "pedophile crucifixions" with Catholic priests and he wasn't ready to apologize for some Middle Eastern jokes).
    • Love is Evol: Keeping eye contact on him so that couples in the audience aren't looking at each other.
    • Neverlution: Referring to terrorists, then correcting himself with news channel names (since he thinks sensationalistic cable news channels are more of a threat to American society than any Islamic fundamentalist with a death wish), and "arm[ing] the children".
    • The Voice in My Head: "And had I stopped talking right there, this would be a phenomenal story," and his comedy killed a baby. note 
    • Born With A Defect: Angrish mutterings from insane things his kids have done, and "What is that smell?!" referring to the same question everyone asks themselves when they walk into a house with kids in it.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Titus' girlfriend walked away and left him "like a soldier leaving his wounded buddy" once he started embarrassing himself in front of The Edge and Bruce Springsteen.
  • Second Love: His relationship with Rachel, which was the best thing to come out of his divorce. On his podcast, they explained that they were in the same stand-up group and once his divorce started going through, she was there to give him "something pretty to look at."
  • Self-Deprecation:
    • "I actually knew my wife in high school, but she was in the 'Hot-Looking Babes" group and I was in the 'Outcast Losers Who Fell into a Bonfire' group. ...Very exclusive group."
    • In Love is Evol, his Inner Retard constantly berates him that he'll never be successful and he'll never find love now that "Kate" has ruined him.
    • In Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, Titus tells the story of how he and the 5'1, 100 lb. Jewish girl (who suffered from extreme Mood Whiplash) had a fight at his dad's house on Christmas Eve while watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and "I summoned my manhood from bottom to top, then screamed like a little girl, 'I'm calling the cops!'"
    • The Voice in My Head has this trope at its core. It's more story-oriented like Norman Rockwell, but focused almost entirely on his own mistakes that result from his inner fool.
  • Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: During his divorce hearings, his wife speciously claimed spousal and child abuse, which caught him completely off-guard. "The only thing that has made me want to be a wife being called one! 'Your Honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar! You could just blink really slow.'"
  • Shaped Like Itself: He referred to his mother's last husband as "Half OJ Simpson and half OJ Simpson."
  • Sit Comic: His original show (Titus, which borrowed from Norman Rockwell is Bleeding) was probably one of the most faithful stage-to-TV translations ever.
  • Skewed Priorities: Played for Laughs. He came close to committing suicide when he found out his wife was cheating on him and was fine with her getting the house, their kids, and everything else. However, he changed his mind when realized this included his sports cars.
  • Start My Own: He was frustrated with most charities he would attend because a lot of money was spent on the various charity fundraisers, cutting into the net profits from actual charity donations. So that's why he formed "The Insight Youth Project" which focuses on getting the money to where it's needed.
  • Strange Minds Think Alike: When he got the call that his mother killed herself, Titus called his father back and asked if she took anyone else with her.
    Papa Titus: You know, that was my first question, too?
  • Take a Third Option: Describes on his daughter did in Born With a Defect. At a church service on Mother's Day, Titus ended up sitting right behind his ex-wife, with his new wife in tow. Titus' daughter went to get a rose from the priest to give to her mother, but the little girl said she had two moms and wanted two roses.note The priest told her to only take one rose, leading Titus to start worrying that she'd have to pick which mother to give it to. Undaunted, she tore the rose in half, handed both of her moms a few petals each, and hugged them both.
  • Take That!:
    • Has a bit in Neverlution on how Lady Gaga exemplifies America's attitude of accepting "mediocrity as excellence."
    "You don't get to claim you're not accepted when you have a billion hits on YouTube. And you are not an artist just because you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra!"
    • In The Voice in My Head, in detailing what he means when he uses the word "retard":
    Every woman in here has a girlfriend who at point showed up at your house, "Oh my God, we got in a fight and he pushed me!"...two weeks later, not only she's seeing that dude again, she's moved in and agreed to marry him. Retard. Ri-hanna-tard.
  • That Came Out Wrong: In Neverlution, he talks about white people in the US being in "Slavery Rehab."
    Titus: Only 398 more years to go! And we've got that monkey off our back! *Beat* That's not what I meant.
  • The Teetotaler: He quit drinking after falling into a bonfire while blind drunk and his equally drunk friends performed some truly inept first aidnote . Considering his parents' substance abuse and alcohol dependency, it's a good thing he decided to become sober.
    • However, recently he has talked about how he now drinks wine after his current wife said that the last time he drank was when he was a teenager and now that he is an adult he should know better. This lead to him getting drunk one night on wine and peeing in his dresser thinking it was the bathroom.
  • Then Let Me Be Evil: Noted in Love is Evol. His first wife Erin lied about Titus being abusive in divorce court, saying he allegedly beat her for twenty years. She supposedly said that so she could get a better settlement from their divorce. Titus eventually managed to prove Erin was lying, but it took years to do it. However, Titus notes the irony that the only thing that ever made him want to be a wife-beater is being called one, asking the judge if he could have five minutes to "make her not a liar".
  • Throw It In: He revealed on a podcast that the idea for his show Love is Evol came from having to do a couple of performances within hours of discovering that his wife was cheating on him and instead of trying to stumble through the show he was touring with, he improvised a rant about what we go through to find love and the audience really responded to him. He joked that the one good thing he got from the divorce was the idea for a new show.
  • Tsundere:
    • Thoroughly Played for Drama (and some dark comedy), he mentioned the psychological torture he took from a girlfriend who had no warning signs (other than the room smelling of ozone whenever she was about to go ballistic) when she would go from affectionate to physically abusive and blaming it on a sugar imbalance (which Titus thinks is an excuse she used to rationalize her bipolar disorder but, given that there was a Titus episode that revealed that the abusive ex-girlfriend died, it could be interpreted that the sugar imbalance led to her death in some way).
    • Titus describing America on The 5th Annual End of the World Tour, stating that America will kick another country's ass, then send them food.
  • Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: Christopher describes his own relationships like this with both his ex-wife and his new girlfriend ("I actually knew my wife in high school, but she was in the 'Hot-Looking Babes' group and I was in the 'Outcast Losers Who Fell into a Bonfire' group."). Although how well this translates into Hollywood standards is up for debate, Cynthia Watros (his co-star on Titus) has remarked she found him to be quite handsome. After all, he is 6'2, in decent shape and has some fairly square features.
  • What Did I Do Last Night?: Name-dropped in Amerigeddon when he accidentally mixes Benadryl and wine.
    Titus: That sentence is never followed by "you saved a baby from a fire!"
  • White Guilt: Discussed twice - once in Neverlution (see That Came Out Wrong) and this gem from "5th Annual" where he apologizes for Slavery.
    Titus: But we had this country to build and we needed some help! We could've used the Indians to help us... but we killed them. (Facepalm and extended Beat) To the Indian people...
    • He then makes it a Running Gag and apologizing to "every race here tonight Whitey has jacked up," including Blacks, Indians, and Mexicans. He would have apologized to the Japanese for the internment camps but says they started that shit, and the Middle-Eastern people, to whom he said he's not ready to apologize just yet.
  • White Sheep: He warns people in "Love is Evol" that if the family of your significant other is really messed up that it is dangerous to think "It's okay, they're the good one."
  • Why Did You Make Me Hit You?:
    Titus: But by the end of the argument - she would do something heinous, and then we'd argue, and then I would apologize to her!
    Titus: We were in the car talking, 'cause he had to drive me home from the emergency room. 'Cause I had to get those stitches where you stabbed me, remember?
    Nazi Girlfriend: Oh, it's always about you, isn't it? "I got stabbed, I got stabbed!"... And instead of that, maybe you could take a minute and ask yourself this question - "What did I do to get stabbed"?
    Titus: Okay, uh... I was running away from you. 'Cause you had that knife. And then you were screaming "I'm going to stab you!" Then I got the front door, which you had locked. And when I turned around... you stabbed me.
    Nazi Girlfriend: Yes, that's what happened. But who left their keys on the table so they could not unlock ze door?
    Titus: Oh my God you're right! I am so sorry I made you stab me!
    • In The Voice in My Head, Titus talks about celebrities who have "douchebag credits", who have built up so much goodwill that they would be excused from a heinous act. He talks about Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen having enough credits that if they punched an innocent bystander, the bystander would apologize to them.
  • Wimp Fight: On his attempt to be a man and fight his dad (which ended with Titus in the hospital, with his visiting father opening a beer, pouring it on him and telling him, "Not gonna do that again, are ya?"), "By the way, great way to fight. Arms down... face presented."
  • Would Hit a Girl: On two occasions.
    (From Rockwell) I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman... until the fifth time she's cracked him in the face. So I smack her. Open handed! And I regret it — because it wasn't as hard as I could've, man!
    (From Love is Evol) She got up in front of the judge and went "Your Honor, this man has beaten me for the last 20 years, and beaten the children since the day they were born"... And the only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater... is being called one! "Your Honor, can I have five minutes to make her not-a-liar, please?"