Funny moments from the RiffTrax of entries in popular film franchises.
Batman And Robin
- A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie!
Bill: Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?
Mike: Could be worse...he used to be able to see us, too.
Bill: Good point.
- I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.Robin: I want a car!
Mike (as Batman): I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?
Robin: Chicks dig the car!
Batman: This is why Superman works alone.
Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.
- "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
- "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
- "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, "WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required — Enthusiasm A Plus!"?
- I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.
- Mike: (during the opening Lock-and-Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you?
Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!
- Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...
Bill: She's gonna bomb AnthroCon?
- Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain—
Mike: The gonads!
- Poison Ivy: I am Nature's arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*
Bill: Her PMS!
- About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic.
- (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
- Don't forget this little exchange:
- Kevin (as Batman): "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!"
Bill: We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie.
- "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
- Also, this bit:Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway?
Alfred: Why yes, actually.
Mike: Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".
Bill: ...And how do you know that, Mike?
Mike: I-I was guessing...
Bill: Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!
Mike: Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!
- "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
- At the auction:Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.
Bill: Oh bother!
- "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~
- This little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
- Their mocking of the Chechen's bizarre accent, rendering the fearsome Eastern European mobster as Pingu.
- (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)Kevin (as Alfred): Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
Mike (as Nick Nolte): (in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...
Kevin (as Alfred): The empty one sir?
Mike (as Nolte): Yeah, you got it.
Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!
(Mike and Kevin laugh)
Mike: ...You don't think...?
- Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."His chin ass is obscene!
"Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."
"His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."
- Dent speaking of Gordon's plan to take down the mob:Dent: It's bold.
Mike: We're talking barbecue sauce bold!
- During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
- "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
- Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:Rachel: What are you doing?
Bill: He's mine, damn it!
- When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:
- "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
- Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor?! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
- From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:Batman: SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!
- When Harvey claims to be Batman:Kevin: Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan.
Mike: And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhous?
- During the street chase:"What the hell is that?"
"It's a windshield, Bob!"
* As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"
- The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.Kevin: You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star "WHERE ARE THEY!?"
- When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse:Kevin: You wonder if he's thinking "WHERE AM I?!"
- The "WHERE ARE THEY!?" became a Running Gag during the Batman serial as well.
- When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse:
- "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
- The Joker explaining his madness:Joker: Do you know why I use a knife?
Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.
- When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of the mob's money:Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that.
- What diverts the police convoy into the ambush is a burning fire truck in the middle of the road. Clearly, the annual Police vs. Firemen softball tournament ends horribly, again.
- When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
- The Movie Referee.Harvey: ...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Bill: Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down.
- During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.(Close-up on the bomb countdown.))
Rachel: Harvey, calm down.
Will counting down from forty help?
- Also:Rachel: Can anybody hear me?!
Mike: For the last time, NO!
- "During the scene on the ferries:Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it!
Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!
- The Joker presents his ultimatum to the mob:Gambol: You're crazy!
The Joker: No I'm not. No I'm not.
Kevin: Well, I'm convinced
- As the Joker walks away from the exploding hospitalBill: Single-payer healthcare; day one.
- Once the hospital does explode, the riffers comments that in Gotham City, giant explosions seem to be as common as walkathons. Or, the riffers deciding, when the explosives momentarily pause, that the Joker's thinking he shouldn't have bought his explosives on Craigslist.
- Singing the TV series' theme (and saying a few onomatopeias) over the party brawl.
- As Two-Face holds a crying twelve-year-old at gunpoint right in front of his parents:Bill: "I'm so tired of these lighthearted popcorn movies."
- "Have you ever had to talk to the person you love most, telling them it's going to be alright when you know it's not?"Mike (as Gordon): Sure have!
Mike (as Harvey): Well, I guess I'll be going then...
- "Have you ever had to talk to the person you love most, telling them it's going to be alright when you know it's not?"
- "Why's he running, Dad?"Bill (as Gordon): Because you won't eat your vegetables!
- The Joker surprises Dent while dressed in a nurse's uniform.Joker: Hi.
Mike: I've been told someone needs a sponge bath.
- During the first "Do you want to know how I got these scars?" scene (the "Why so serious?" version), where the Joker has his knife stuck in Gambol's mouth:Joker: You wanna know how I got these scars?
Mike: You tried to kiss one of the Indigo Girls?
Joker: My father was...
Bill: ...a badger.
Joker: ...a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual.
Kevin (as the Joker): He starts lowering prices on his inventory! Said he'd beat any competition!
Bill: That's crazy.
Joker: ...So, me watching he takes the knife to her...
Mike (as Gambol): (mouth full) Is this a long story?
Joker: ...He turns to me and says, "Why so serious??"
Bill (as the Joker): And then we both started cracking up. It was nice, really.
Joker: ..."Why so serious??"
Kevin: Was he a black southern preacher?
Joker: He sticks the blade in my mouth, "Let's put a smile on that face."
Mike (as the Joker): And then we had pot pies and he tucked me in. The end.
Bill (as the Joker): Dang! I forgot what I was gonna say, and it was really funny.
- How often the guys wind up cracking each other up. All through the film, you Kevin especially laughing whenever Bill and Mike make a perfect joke.
- As young Bruce runs way from his parents funeral:Mike: Ah, this must be where he gets bit by the radioactive bat.
Bill: Uh, yeah. (to the tune of the Spider-Man theme) ♪Ba-at man, Ba-at man...♪
- Mike succinctly sums up the audience's feelings during the prologue, where we see Martha and Thomas Wrayne, getting gunned down yet again.Mike: I hope this has been informative for the approximately two Americans still unfamiliar with Batman's origin story!
- Adult Bruce is introduced:Bill: Aw, poor kid! First his parents die, then he grew up to be Ben Affleck.
- As the Wayne Financial building starts to collapse, the boss, Jack, knowing he is about to die, begins to pray:Jack: ...Heavenly God, creator of Heaven and Earth... Have mercy on my soul.
Kevin (as God): No baldies, Jack! That's the rule!
- Bruce charges towards the dustcloud kicked up by the collapsing Wayne Financial building:Bill (as Bruce): Aha! My mutant powers will still allow me to breath and see! (dustcloud hits Bruce; he coughs) No. Regular guy. I'm totally dead!
Mike: (chuckles) ...He always forgets that.
- Bruce asks the little girl where her mother is. She points towards the trashed building:Kevin (as Bruce): Th-that's not a mom! That's a building! ...Dumb kid.
- The prologue ends with Bruce glaring angrily up at Superman. Then Smash to Black.Mike: Well, thank god! At least it was short! Right, guys? ("18 months later" appears on-screen) Oh, motherf[bleep]ker!
- When this universe version's of Jimmy Olsen is killed off after barely a minute of screen-time, the guys are quick to lampshade how little characterization he got:Bill (as Jimmy): Tell my wife I regarded her with appropriate levels of esteem.
- A witness is interrogated during the hearing about Superman:Witness: The government attacked. No mercy in the villages. My parents tried to run... (breaks down crying)
Bill: M'am, just... pay the parking ticket, please.
- Clark visits Louis and finds her in the bathtub:Clark: I was going to cook. Surprise you.
Bill (as Louis): Your famous hotdogs and Cap'n Crunch? (strained) Heh, great.
- In Gotham, the police ransacks a abandoned building and finds Asian women are locked in a cage. They claim a "devil" saved them:Kevin (as one of the captives): It was Little Nicky! Now I only wish for death!
- We cut to someone sitting in their Room Full of Crazy:Sean: Aqualad got tired of everyone laughing at him and took to writing manifestos. Soon, very soon it would be Aqualad's turn to laugh.
- The wheelchair-bound Wallace Keefe starts vandalizing the Superman statue:Cop: (into his radio) Can we get some backup here?
Sean: Well, they need more cops to stand around and yell at the paraplegic guy.
- The scene where Lex Luthor force feeds Senator Barrow with a Jolly Rancher:Conor (as kid in the audience): (crying) Mommy, why is the weird man feeding the old man candy? Where's Batman?!
Sean (as mom): I don't know, darling. I-I just don't know.
- A meeting at Daily Planet:Perry White: "Crime wave in Gotham." Other breaking news. "Water, wet."
Sean (as Clark): It-it is? ...I-I mean, I am from this planet!
- Senator Finch visits Lex Luthor's quite gothic-looking mansion:Luthor: This was [my father's] room. I left it just the way it was.
Conor (as Luthor): Unambigiously evil!
- Not willing to humor Luthor, Senator Finch says what is perhaps one of the driest lines in the movie:Finch: I'm blocking the import license for your mineral.
Sean: God, I love to escape into the magical world of superheroes.
- As the scene drags on:Conor: I haven't been this exicited about an import license being blocked since the Trade Federation embargoed Naboo!
- As the scene drags on:
- Senator Finch tries to rebuff LuthorSenator Finch: You can call me whatever you like. Take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea.
Conor (as Finch): Then paint a face on that bucket and kiss it, and let the pee slush out all over you—
Sean (as Luthor): (shocked) SENATOR!
- Followed up by:Senator Finch: I'm not going to drink it.
Sean (as Luthor): Well, sweet! More pee for me!
- Followed up by:
- Bruce has a nightmare where blood starts to drip out of his mother's coffin:Conor: Oh, The Shining Elevator Blood pulled some strings, got his nephew a gig.
- As Bruce wanders around his house by the lake, this Call-Back happens:Sean: This is an Airbnb he rents from Gabe.
Conor: Ah, Gabe. I miss him.
- Louis tries to press Secretary Swanwick for information on the bullet she recovered:Swanwick: Don't invent a conspiracy theory to put back [Superman's] halo.
Sean: Can't Superman reverse time by flying around the—?
Conor: Yeah, we don't talk about that anymore!
- Bruce passes by a Batsuit defaced by yellow spray-paint saying "Hahah! Joke's on you, Batman!"Sean: Clearly the work of, uh... The Penguin! During that phase where he is playing a lot of jokes and riddles.
- The riffers call out the Fridge Logic in journalist Clark Kent somehow failing to recognize Bruce Wrayne of all people:Sean: Next he goes to Seattle and doesn't recognize Bill Gates.
- As Luthor starts hammily explaining Greek mythologic:Conor: Ugh! He's earning twenty times my salary for that performance.
- As Bruce and Clark tries to stare each down:Janet and Cole: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Lex Luthor introduces himself to Bruce and Clark:Luthor: (shakes hands with Clark) Wow, that is a good grip! You should, not pick a fight with this person.
Cole: Ugh! It's like, if the Marx Brothers were awful.
- Clark follows Bruce around as he spies on Luthor. He then appears quite confused at one point:Cole (as Clark): Wait, which of the only way did he go?
- A moment that is unquestionably Harsher in Hindsight:Charlie Rose: Is it really surprising, that the most powerful man in the world should be a figure of controversy?
Cole: ...Says the figure of controversy.
Janet: Ooooh... Yeah. That clip didn't age well.
- Followed up by:Charlie Rose: What are we talking about here then?
Cole: Uh, the accusations of dozens of women?
Janet: Again, ooooh.
- Followed up by:
- Luthor meets with Wallace:Wallace: Well, what do you want?
Janet (as Luthor): I want a Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
- Bruce confronts Diana over taking his spy device:Diana: Is it stealing if you steal from another thief?
Cole: Like, if you take material from Carlos Mencia?
- Another Smash to Black happens:Cole: Oh, good! The movie gave up!
(cut to post-apocalyptic Batman scene)
Cole: (disappointed) Aw...
Janet: Well now, hold on... Looks like it became Mad Max: Fury Road. That's something.
(the camera pans over some barbed wire)
Cole: And Barbara Wire just made a cameo.
Janet: (with dread) Oh, my god...
- Post-apocalyptic Batman steps outside to watch a ruined city-scape with mushroom clouds covering the area:Janet:' Eh. That just looks like the 4:05 in LA this morning.
- The green kryptonite post-apocalyptic Batman tries to get his hands on turns out to be a fake:Janet: I mean, why is he surprised? Listen to the musical score — it tips you off.
- The Parademons (flying mantis) appears during Batman's firefight with the Superman stormtroopers:
- Fascist Superman unmasks post-apocalyptic Batman:Janet: Heeere's Benny!
Cole (as Superman): Man, this mask smells awful!
- Bruce receives a strange visit from the Flash:The Flash: You're right about him! You've always been right about him!
Janet: Wha—? Who? Casey Affleck?
- A long panning shot of the green kryptonite from the White Portuguese occurs:Cole: This almost makes me wish I was watching a Michael Bay Transformer movie...
Janet: Oh, Cole, don't say that. Never say that!
Cole: I said almost. Relax, Varney.
- As two trucks appear in frame:Cole: Autobots, assemble!
Janet: (panicked) Cole, I said, no! No!
Cole: Sorry, sorry.
- As two trucks appear in frame:
- The Batmobile returns to the Batcave, which is hidden under a lake, and even has secret underwater entrance.
- Batman exits his car:Matthew: Check under the hood, Alfred.
Ian: Yeah, we call them "bonnets" in England. It makes our public executions that little bit more whimsical.
Matthew: Yeah, except we don't have public executions anymore.
Ian: You don't know everything about my life.
- The crate with the green kryptonite arrives at the LexCorp lab:Ian (as Batman): Fortunately, my secret tracking tracking transponder is disguised as a bat-shaped object, with a persistently flashing red light. They'll never know I'm on to them.
- Clark visits his mother:Martha Kent: People hate what they don't understand...
Matthew: ...Like the new Twin Peaks.
- She then drops this bomb:Martha Kent: You don't owe them anything.
Matthew: There's a message you can take away: "Screw 'em!" What part of Superman means you have to perform good works?
- She then drops this bomb:
- Bruce looks through the stack of returned checks; one of them says "Bruce Wrayne = Blind":Ian (as Bruce): He knows I'm Daredevil too?
Matthew: Daredevil 2?
Ian: Oh please, no!
- Senator Finch refuses to be deterred by Lex Luthor:Luthor: Do you know the oldest lie in America, Senator?
Matthew: "But her emails?"
- Superman carefully opens the door to the docket:Ian: I'm sorry, he could have flown over that. I feel cheated!
- Senator Finch begins her opening statement:Finch: This is how a democracy works.
Ian: I disagree!
Matthew: Shut up!
- Senator Finch notices the jar of urine with "Granny's Peach Tea" written on it:Matthew: What? So this last hour has been the longest ever Mountain Dew commercial?
Ian: Still better than that one with the goat...
- As Finch stutters and stammers after being distracted by the jar:Matthew: You know there's an alternative cut of this movie that focuses on Lex Luthor, gradually filling that jar up?
Ian: Oh, the Cystitis Version? I've heard about it. How is it?
Matthew: Meh, kind of watered down.
- Finch reads the label on the jar, and then dramatically looks to Lex Luthor's empty seat:Ian: Well, we know he is not in the bathroom.
Matthew: Lex is the sort of guy who looks out for Number One.
- As Finch stutters and stammers after being distracted by the jar:
- Clark considers if the idea of Superman is just a false dream:Ian: It is like someone said they couldn't imagine a worse superhero movie than Steel, and Zack Snyder just said: "Hold my beer..."
- Lex Luthor finds a way into Zodd's spaceship:Ian: Okay... Remind me, how did Lex Luthor end up with alien-fingerprints?
Matthew: Ah, he removed them with a kryptonite scalpel, and affixed them to his own hand.
Ian: So you might say, he's kind of a... Gene Hackman?
Matthew: Yeah, nobody with any shame would say that.
Ian: Then it is a good job I'm here!
- Luthor activates the ship's AI, and it begins speaking to him:Matthew: It's Kryptoian Clippy!
Ian (as Clippy): It looks like you're trying to tamper in God's domain. Would you like some help with that?
- Luthor pulls Zodd's body out of its bag:Ian: Oh, so I can't travel with a Swiss army-knife, but he can put a Kryptonian supervillain in his overhead luggage? Yeah, that seems fair. Thanks a lot, Delta!
- Clark meets his father in a dream. Pa Kent really likes to monologue:Bridget (as Clark): (exasperated) Dad, I'm just here to program your VCR.
- An visibly annoyed Martha Kent turns off the TV as Nancy Grace starts questioning Superman:Mary Jo: You know, you just can't turn off Nancy Grace enough.
- After having Louis kidnapped and greeting her, the first thing Luthor does is creepily put his arm on her shoulder:Bridget (as Louis): Uhm, I'm not a hooker...
- Louis does a cliché:Louis: (to Luthor) You're psychotic!
Bridget: Has that ever hurt a psycho's feelings?
- Luthor throws Louis his building to summon Superman. He catches her:Bridget (as Louis): (disappointed) Oh... I was expecting Christopher Reeve... But, no, it's fine...
- After saving her, Louis and Superman shares a passionate kiss:Bridget (as Louis): Oh, Batman!
Mary Jo (as Superman): Aw, come on!
- When confronted by Superman, Luthor launches into a long-winded, philsophical Motive Rant, based around the Problem of Evil:Bridget (as Superman): (exasperated) Look, I'm just here about you pushing my girlfriend off your building...
- Luthor broasts that it was pretty easily to manipulate Batman:Luthor: Little red notes, big bang... (melodramatically) "YOU LET YOUR FAMILY DIE!"
Mary Jo: Well, they didn't give great Christmas gifts...
- As Luthor tries acting rascally and smug towards Superman we get this gem of a quip:Mary Jo: Y'know, Jesse Eisenberg is the worst Manic Pixie Girl ever.
- Superman tells Louis he has to either convince Batman to help him, or kill him:Superman: (with a pained expression) No one stays good in this world...
Mary Jo (as Louis): Oh, is that your way of telling me you're not coming to my mom's for Christmas? (Superman flies off) Okay, fine!
- Superman knocks Batman to the ground:Superman: If I wanted it, you'd be dead already!
Mary Jo: A direct quote from Jennifer Garner's father.
- Batman weakens Superman with kryptonite gas:Batman: You're not brave.
(Superman unsuccesfully lashes out at Batman)
Bridget (as Superman): (whiny voice) Well, you're a big, dumb spazz, who is not smart!
- Batman attacks Superman with a bathroom sink, which leads to a Hurricane of Puns:Trace: Sure, it's the bathroom sink, they already threw the kitchen one in there.
Frank (as Batman): Let this sink in!
Trace (as Batman): You're going down... the drain!
Frank: That weapon ought to become a fixture in his arsenal!
- They quickly spin this into Batman being a Pungeon Master:Trace (as Batman): I hope you don't mind... Wait for it... (throws Superman down a stairwell) Getting the shaft!
Trace (as Batman): (as Batman ties wire around the downed Superman's leg) I hope you don't think I'm... Wait for it... (starts (dragging Superman along by his leg) Being a drag!
- They quickly spin this into Batman being a Pungeon Master:
- Superman utters the "Save Martha!" line, and Batman has another flashback to his parents' death:Frank: I'm getting a brain injury for getting hit over the head by this plot-point!
- Batman has his breakdown:Batman: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME!?!
Frank: Well, it begins with bad screen-writing...
- Batman ultimately backs down with a confused look on his face:
- Batman has his breakdown:
- With the misunderstandings cleaned up, Batman and Superman finally agree to work together:Batman: I'll make you a promise. Martha won't die tonight.
Trace (as Batman): ...Early morning, at the very least.
- One of the Russian mooks pulls the pin on a handgrenade in close-quarters combat. It ends up blowing him up:Trace: Oh, now, what was possibly the best outcome of this, huh?
- Batman continues to do gravity-defying moves in his fight with the Russian mooks:Trace: Batman should have had Scotty's job on Star Trek, because he's always breaking the laws of physics.
- The fight scene drags on:Frank: You know, a couple of title-cards saying "BLAM!" and "POW!" won't hurt right now. Just sayin'.
- The fight scene drags on:
- Batman gets into a Mexican Standoff with Anatoli Knyazev, the head mook:Knyazev: DROP IT!
Frank: ...The idea that DC will ever make a good movie.
(Trace gives a hearty chuckle)
- Luthor egg-watch starts ringing:Trace: If only that was letting us know the movie is over.
- Luthor realizes his scheme to get Batman to kill Superman has failed:Luthor: So, if man won't kill god...
Trace (as Luthor): ...Richard Dawkins will.
- Luthor presents Doomsday:Luthor: Born to destroy you!
Frank: That's my favorite Springsteen song!
- The hideously mutated Doomsday is seen in full:Frank: ...Still looks better than Steve Bannon.
- A shut of Doomday's butt takes up a good part of the screen:Frank: Trace, why does RiffTrax hate us?
Trace: (laughs) Do you owe them money?
Frank: Wh-why did they assign us this part of the film?!
Trace: (laughs) It-it is the best part, really...
- The lampshading of the Invisible President:Trace: The president is a telephone?
- Later:Trace: The president is a telephone!
- Doomsday unleases an energy that takes out a chunk of the city:Frank: (mock excitement) Oh, wow! It's just like everything we've seen a million times before!
- Superman is not looking too hot after getting hit by a nuke:Trace (as Superman): (in old man voice) What's that, sonny? Uh, you got a planet, uh, with a problem, yes?
- Swanwick figures out what Doomsday's gimmick is:Swanwick: Every time we hit it, we make it more powerful. We can't attack.
President: ...What're you saying, Calvin?
Frank (as Swanwick): We're gonna have sequels coming out of our ass.
- Batman is left defenseless before Doomsday:Batman: Aw, shit.
Mike: Ben Affleck dramatically previews the reaction to this movie!
- Wonder Woman questions Batman's decisions:Wonder Woman: Why did you bring him back to the city?
Batman: The port is abandoned. There's a weapon here that can kill it.
Bill (as Batman): Gotham City drinking water. It's the worst!
- When confronted by the trio of heroes Doomsday causes another energy explosion:Mike (as Doomsday): Your superhero quips F[bleep]KING SUUUUUCK!!!
- Doomsday and Superman engages in a Beam-O-War:Bill: This is symbolic of what happens when Mike and I look at the craft services table and there is only one piece of salami left.
Mike: Right. But instead of the deathrays, it's passive-agressive stares.
- Batman gets knocked over:Kevin (as Batman): Ow! Ugh! My bat-contacts!
Bill (as Batman): Where are they?
- Superman gears himself up to make his Heroic Sacrifice:Superman: This is my world...
Louis: No, Clark. Don't!
Kevin (as Louis): Don't call this "your world", you flithy alien!
- Superman collapses:Mike (as Superman): I'm dying... But at least... I never have to met... Aquaman...
- Batman looks at Superman's body:Bill (as Batman): Bad news. I just found that Doomsday's mother's name was... Martha.
- The screen fades to black on Batman, Wonder Woman, and Louis looking down at Superman's corpse:Mike: Whew! ...Well, I mean, act one first flew by!
Bill and Kevin: (groaning in pain)
- Ma Kent gives an envolope to Louis:Ma Kent: Clark had this sent here so he can surprise you.
Mike (as Ma Kent): It's a bunch of dickpics... I-I'm pretty surprised he did that too.
- The envolope contains an engagement ring:Kevin: Go ahead and touch it, Mike.
Mike: Huh? How can I—
Kevin: (make his Gandalf impression obvious) It's quite cool. (laughs)
Mike: Awww! Damn! I walked into that.
Kevin: That was fun!
(Louis fumbles with the ring)
Bill: Mike, you can go ahead and touch it.
Mike: Why? How would I—
Bill: It's quite cool. (snickers)
Mike: Aw! Twice!
- The envolope contains an engagement ring:
- Diana and Bruce stand next to each other doing Clark's funeral:Bill (as Diana): Ugh! Flyover country, am I right?
Mike (as Bruce): Agh, the worst!
- Lex Luthor gets a visit from Batman in prison:Kevin (as Batman): Aw, relax! It's me, Gary! Your lawyer. Came from a Halloween party.
- Batman tries to imtidate Luthor:Luthor: But... the bells already been rung...
Bill (as Luthor): (in exact same cadence) An... angel's already got its wings...
- Batman tries to imtidate Luthor:
- Upon seeing Ben's photo of him and his wife:Mike: Why is she holding an ostrich egg...?
- "Hey, and thanks for hauling us outta there, doc. Good thing you own that space-towing business on the side."
- Victor's assistant Leonard gets a lot of laughs from the guys thanks to his awkward delivery of lines.
- "What did he do to his uniform?!" note Kevin (as Reed): Uh, we all work for the Channel 4 news team now.
- "And the world is safe! Thanks to your Channel 4 News Team!"
- When Ben breaks a bar stool by sitting on it:Kevin: Hey do us a favor, don't use the toilet.
- "I was toasting a bagel, something went wrong."
- "Is it worth asking how her being invisible got them all past the police blockade?"
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
- "Movie has more homoerotic staredowns than Point Blank and Top Gun combined."Bill: Mission file didn't say anything about the shimmering pools inside your eyes, Richards.
- Doom: What are you?
And in that big bag of toys you're carrying in that magical sleigh of yours, is there any for a naughty little metal man named Victor Von Doom?
- The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
- Dumbledore laying baby Harry down on the Dursleys' doorstep:Mike: When they get back from vacation next month, they'll find him right here.
- Dumbledore: Good luck ... Harry Potter.
Mike: And life was never the same for any poor schmoe who happened to have that name.
- As Hagrid lands his flying motorcycle on Privet Drive:Kevin: Ah, Hagrid has returned from the magical land known as Sturgis!
- When the Dursleys come back from the zoo after rescuing Dudley from the snake tank:Harry: One minute the glass was there and then it was gone, it was like magic!
Uncle Vernon: (throwing Harry in the cupboard) There's no such thing as magic!
Bill (as Harry): Well, there's no such thing as being "big-boned" either!
- When Harry gets his first Hogwarts acceptance letter and goes to the kitchen (where the Dursleys are) to open it:Bill (as Harry): My abusive family who lives to deprive me of happiness! That's who I'll open my first letter ever in front of!
- After Hagrid breaks down the door to the hut on the rock:Bill: (in a Monstrous Voice) Can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies??
- And when Hagrid enters:Bill: Bonesaw is READY... to be the father you never had.
- Upon meeting Hagrid:Harry: Excuse me...
Bill (as Harry): Could you please kill these horrible people?
- "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
- In Diagon Alley, from the owls: "Go to the Rats of NIMH!"
- During the sorting ceremony:Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!
Bill (as the Sorting Hat): Or is it Floofenpoof? I don't know; I'm drunk!
- Draco summoning his broomstick:Mike (as Draco): Sieg heil—I mean, "up!"
- The numerous Nazi jokes they make at Malfoy, particularly this moment after Gryffindor wins the Quidditch match and it shows Draco looking really upset:Kevin (as Draco Malfoy): What will mein führer say!?
- When Oliver is explaining the "easy" rules of Quidditch to Harry:Oliver: Each team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and a seeker.
Kevin: (imitating accent) Oh, and uh, three cheesemongers, fourteen alphabetizers, and uh, one highlander, because (chuckles) there can be only one.
- The first Quidditch match:Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!
Bill: Or unleash hell.
- "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
- When Harry is snooping in the Restricted Section in the Invisibility Cloak:Filch: Who's there?
Bill:: No, no, you have to start by saying "knock, knock"!
Kevin (as Filch): Ah, let me try it again. Banana who?
Bill: Look, just forget it...
- "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
- And its follow-up quote, right after Snape gropes at the air where Harry (in the Invisibility Cloak) was standing moments ago:Bill (as Snape): Hmm, odd. (Snape pins Quirrell to the wall again) Anyway, back to necking...
- And its follow-up quote, right after Snape gropes at the air where Harry (in the Invisibility Cloak) was standing moments ago:
- When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:Mike (as McGonagall): Meeoorowrning, everyone!
- Halloween:Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!
Mike: More like "gin in the teacher."
- When Hermione is moping in the restroom:Kevin: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
- When Hagrid first mentions Nicholas Flamel.Hagrid: What that dog is guarding is strictly between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel.
Mike: Who we know now is Dumbledore's boyfriend.
- Snape: What would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside... on a day like this?
Bill (as Harry): We were going to eat Dinty Moore straight from the can and leer at the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Oh wait, that's you, Professor!
- When Neville tries to stop the group from leaving the dormitory:"His jammies show that he means business."
- After Hermione casts a full body-bind curse on Neville:"Anyone else want to be a hero?!"
- After Hermione casts a full body-bind curse on Neville:
- During the life-size wizard chess game:Ron: Once I make my move, the queen will take me.
Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael.
- When the queen piece approaches Ron:Bill: Hmm, Ron's gonna die of old age before the queen gets to him.
- And then...Harry: RON!!!!
Bill (as Harry): Is what I meant to shout five seconds ago!
- When the queen piece approaches Ron:
- During the Finger Poke of Doom scene:Kevin (as Voldemort's face): Okay, what's happening? Are we winning? What's that smell?
- Harry holds the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stone while Voldemort's smoky spirit appears behind him.Bill (as Harry): Now it's just you and me, baby, no more stupid Voldemort — Oh he's right behind me isn't he? This is awkward.
- Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.Bill: Do I get lung cancer from this?
Mike: Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.
- Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.
- When it looks like Slytherin is going to win the House Cup AGAIN, Bill is irate:Bill: What?! They're in last?! But that's our heroes! IT can't be!
Mike: Relax, Bill. It'll work out.
Bill: But HOW?! They're so far behind!
Kevin: Don't get worked up, Bill. Trust us.
Bill: Stupid house cup. This is a travesty! Stupid old snake kids are gonna win!
Bill: AND RAVENCLAW! NAME ONE KID IN RAVENCLAW! Yeah, I didn't think so.
- "Come join us, son... Join us..." Even funnier considering James and Lily's encouragement in Deathly Hallows as Harry goes to his death.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
- "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
- "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
- When Harry is escaping from the windowMike (as Uncle Vernon): (quick yawn) Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
Mike (as Uncle Vernon): Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!
Kevin (as Uncle Vernon): (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love IT!!
- Hagrid's reply after being asked why he was in Knockturn Alley:
- On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham.
Gilderoy: When Harry walked into Flourish and Blotts this morning-
Mike (as Gilderoy): He tried to knee me in the groin and rightly so.
- "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
- Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:Filch: You've murdered my cat.
Mike (as Filch): You shall become my new cat.
- Later:Dumbledore: Everyone will proceed to their dormitories immediately.
Bill: Lock up your cats!
Dumbledore: Everyone except... you three.
Mike (as Dumbledore): Uh, Larry, Don, and the Mudblood.
- This lineDumbledore: (about Mrs Norris the cat) Shes not dead Argus.
Kevin (as Dumbledore): She's CATatonic! ...Sorry.
- (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
- The disclaimers about Quidditch:Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!
Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!
Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse.
- (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
- When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:Hermione: Do you think he's all right?
Ron: Who cares?
Mike (as Ron): I came for blood!
- Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.Mike (as Hedwig): (perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.
- "Check, pleeease."
- "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
- "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
- As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.
Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean.
- As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:Kevin (as Tom Riddle): Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged!
Bill (as Tom Riddle): I should have laminated myself!
- "Sweep the leg, Draco."
- Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
- Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such asMcGonagall: Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets.
Kevin: Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!"
- On the enchanted diary:Bill: Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!
- Dumbledore: (Raspy) In the past few hours...
Did he just die right there?
- Dumbledore: All exams have been canceled.
Bill (as Dumbledore): Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!
- Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:Mike: For God—you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!"
- The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.Mike (as a student): I can't even remember a time before we started cheering, what madness drives us on?!
- After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me?
Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!
- Ron's curse:Ron: Eat slugs!
Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.
- About Moaning Myrtle:Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?
- After the spider scene:Harry: Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.
Mike (as Harry): We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me.
- "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
- Hagrid: The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused...
Bill: Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentant serial killers instead.
- After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, which greatly upsets her, the crew repeatedly refers to her as "Muddy."
- As Harry and Ron escape the giant spiders in a magic car:Kevin: (in a very posh British accent) The Dukes of Hazzard: U.K. version!
Mike: (the same) With actual dukes!
Bill: (ditto) About this time the Duke boys had got themselves into a mess-o-trouble.
- When Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort) summons the basilisk by speaking in Parseltongue:Bill: Yeah, he just asked him to "embroider your kidney". Does ANYONE speak REAL snake around here?!
- When Ron and Harry are talking with Myrtle:Ron: But it can't hurt you? I mean, you're already dead...
Kevin: (as Myrtle lunges at him) I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!
- "Grasp your Mandrake!" "But never in public!"
- "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
- "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
- Mike's Dementor song.
- The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
- Bill (as a student): Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
- The boggart scene.Lupin: Luckily, a very simple spell exists to repel a boggart.
Kevin: Yeah, you beat it with a tire iron.
Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes.
Mike (as Lupin): Picture them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom.
- The truth comes out:Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes.
Mike (as Lupin): Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes.
- When bowing to Buckbeak:Hagrid: Nice and low...
Mike: OH GOD, no, not THAT low!
- When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:Bill: Oh God, no, not THAT STILL! RUN!
- When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:
- After Hermione punches Malfoy:Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT!
Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
- Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
Mike: I don't; sorry.
- During a shot of Sirius in prison:
- Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.Mike: (quietly and sinisterly) ♪E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...♪
- While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
- Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:Kevin: So you need parental permission to go on a visit to the toffee shop, but for Quidditch, the less parents know the better.
Bill: This is terrible! Having to write that paper on werewolves I mean.
- Hagrid tosses Buckbeak a ferret.Kevin: Have a rat, Buckbeak.
Mike (As Ron): SCABBERS!!
- The entire scene with Sirius and Remus in the Shrieking Shack. The crew points out several times how over-the-top the acting is and at one point Sirius says "Hey, leave some scenery for me to chew!"
- "If you see a fading sign at the side of the road, it's just 15 miles to the SHRIEKING SHACK!"
- When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trying to ask Dumbledore to convince everyone that Sirius is innocentDumbledore: But I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.
Mike (as Dumbledore): Well, two and a half, actually. (under breath) Mudblood. (clears throat)
- Mike doing a pretty good impression of Kris Kristofferson.Mike: Before long, Harry's life had spiraled out of control. He was addicted to magic mushrooms, drinking Magic Hat beer and constantly playing Magic: The Gathering.
- The whole scene where Harry is fighting off the Monster Book of Monsters, where the Riffers try to figure out what the book is supposed to be, from Ted Nugent's cookbook, to a Jim Henson memoir, and ending with Mike's suggestion that it's a collection of biting satire.
- This moment:Hermione: (about Black being sentenced to a dementor kiss) They're going to suck out his soul.
(Dumbledore immediately bursts through the door)
Mike (as Dumbledore): DID SOMEBODY SAY SUCK?
- Buckbeak's execution when Kevin decides to sing along to the music, prompting utter fury from Bill.
- On Harry's fear of Dementors:Prof. Lupin: I'm very impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all... is fear itself. This is very wise.
Mike: In fact it seems kind of LIFTED FROM SOMEWHERE!
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire
- When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:Mike: Ahh! Undead!
Bill: Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!
Kevin: Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!
Mike: I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Bill and Kevin: AHHHHHHHHH!
- When Moody transforms Draco into a ferret:
- After the ferret episode:Malfoy: My father will hear of this!
Kevin: Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated".
- "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed."
- Bill (as Dumbledore): I will now fight the big lady to the death!
- As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:Harry: Myrtle...
Bill: Why aren't you in Hell?
- Bill: The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys.
- David Tennant appears on screen:Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second.
- Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.Mike (as Barty Crouch Sr.): Ak, vhy did I ever leave mein Bunker?
Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute
Kevin (in a German accent): Ve must ANNEX ZE SUDETENLAND!!!
Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.
Bill (in a German accent): Like ze Munich Agreement.
Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice. He is...as of tonight...
Mike (in a German accent): Our new Führer!!!
- Cedric Diggory's memorial service:Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
Kevin (as Dumbledore): Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
- Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Arts class:Alastor Moody: YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
Bill: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH. THE LIMITS. OF HAMMINESS!!!
- Also during that first class:
- Before the second task:Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
Mike: There's a schedule for that does it?
Bill: Very rigorous.
- When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!
- During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:Moody: Give us a curse.
Bill (as Ron): Uh...Sugartits?
- The Overly Long Gag about Cho and Harry's conversation at the Owlery concerning Cho's Chinese and Scottish heritage that is, in essence, the Black Vikings trope Played for Laughs:Kevin: She's from the Highlands of China! Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks!
Bill: Is your family tartan just solid red or...?
Cho: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Bill: Maybe if you repeat it through a bagpipe?
Harry: I just wondered if you wanted to go to the ball with me?
Bill: Ye see, I'm washin' mah kilt that night? You know, 'cause she's Scottish?
- This scene right after the Goblet is introduced
- The scene where Rita Skeeter is interviewing Harry.Rita: (after Harry insists he didn't enter his name) Right. Of course you didn't. (winks)
Bill (as Rita): Then how do you explain this entry form with your name misspelled in Voldemort's handwriting?!
- Seeing Voldebaby for the first time:Bill: BURP ME, DAMNIT!
- When a firework goes off:Bill: My god, the explosion just killed two students!
Mike: What House were they in?
Mike: Eh, throw a tarp over 'em.
- Before the movie starts, the crew compares Richard Harris's performance of Dumbledore with Michael Gambon's.Bill: Yeah, they did a little Dumbledore upgrade. The last model sounded like this, Kevin?
Kevin: (in a very dry, raspy voice) H.. Harry? Haaary Potter? Could you possibly spare any moisture? I'm feeling a bit desiccated at the moment.
Mike: Right. And now he sounds like a drunken, bellowing Irishman. Bill?
Bill: Jeez, Mike, so I had a little fun at your son's communion party. I replaced the window, I steam-cleaned the couch, what else do... Oh, you're talking about Michael Gambon. Oh. Well the new Dumbledore sounds something like this. Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Parseltongue, Imperius, Horcrux, Animaaaaagus! Durmstrang Institute of Sorcery, Crookshanks and Blastended S-(Belch!)
- When Harry walks past Snape's office and Snape suddenly pops out:
- When Wormtail kills Cedric Diggory:Mike: Well, that was a thousand times more tasteful than his death in Remember Me.
- When Cedric's dad, Amos, goes to his son's corpse:Bill (as Amos): I'm late for the grieving father scene!
- On the Indian Patil twins:Mike (as Harry): Mm, looks like curry is on the menu...
- When the Durmstrang ships fires a volley of cannon fire to bid Hogwarts farewell.Mike: Ah! They're firing on us! Release the dragons!
- The gang's closing narration as Durmstrang and Beauxbatons leave.Kevin: Sadly, the horses, drunk on single malt whiskey, crashed into the Whomping Willow, and the Durmstrang ship sank due to being overloaded with brutish Communists and stolen Hogwarts silverware.
Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix
- As Nymphadora sits around transforming her face into different animal snouts.Mike: Tonks; we are glad she dies in the last movie.
- Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.
- During Fudge's press interview:Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts—
Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
Kevin: Mr. Minister, do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
Mike (as Fudge): Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
- Mike: The Floo Network, it's like the Food Network but, instead of cooking, it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
- In Dumbledore's office:
- After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic:Mike (as Dumbledore): So Harry, how are your classes going?
- "Good morning, evil grandma!"
- This bit:Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
Bill: I AM THE DEMON BELPHEGOR!!! Wha— whoops! I mean— I mean no one! Nothing!
- They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.Harry: Your feet, are they cold?
Kevin: Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins.
Bill: I only eat moonbeams.
Bill: If the cafeteria ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school. Bye.
- As Harry enters Umbridge's office:Mike (as a kitten plate): Hi. Welcome to Hell.
- Harry puts on his glasses:Mike (as Harry): Dumbledore, shouldn't we invent a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like—
Kevin (As Dumbledore): MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!
- "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
- "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
- When Fred and George suddenly Apparate right next to Harry:Kevin: Gah! Avada Kedavra!
- A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.
- When Harry walks into the dorm roomMike (as Harry): Alright, let's get one thing straight, this year I run this dorm. Your parents send you cookies, half go to ME. Anyone wants cigarettes, you go through ME. You need a hooker... actually, Dobby handles that. Everything else? ME.
- Bill: (bleep) you and (bleep) your notes.
- When the Death Eaters hold Harry's friends hostage to get him to hand the prophecy over to Lucius Malfoy.Bill (As Harry): 'Kay, I'll do it if your henchmen accidentally Avada Kadavra-s Ron. Deal?
- Just about all their lines referring to Filch and how utterly, utterly repugnant he is.Mike: (as Filch after he discovers a spiked box of heart shaped chocolates) Well someone wants to bite of a hunk of the old Filchster huh? Well, who can blame 'em!
- And immediately afterwards:All Three: (start out humming to the background music, but suddenly, as they see a horrifyingly pimpled Filch) AAAAAAAAARRRRHHHH!!! (one of the pimples bursts, shooting pus into the camera) AAAAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: Well, I knew it had to happen sooner or later, time to gouge my eyes out with a broken bottle! (sound of smashing glass)
Bill: KEVIN, NO! NO!
Kevin: I CANT TAKE THE CHANCE THAT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT AGAIN!!
- And immediately afterwards:
- The awkward moment where Harry and Kreacher meet in a hallway prompts Bill to compare it to whenever he and Kevin meet in a hotel hallway.
- After Dumbledore's dramatic escape from Umbridge and the ministry.Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got style.
Bill: Noted, man who dresses like a purple crayon.
- Calling out the Adaptation-Induced Plot Hole when Moody chastises dog-form Sirius for "drawing too much attention"...when he's acting like a perfectly normal dog. Moody himself, meanwhile:Mike: Yes, the dog will attract too much attention, you staff-totting, one-eyed goon!
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
- Hermione: If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum.
Mike: And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'
- Dumbledore: Harry, do as I say.
Mike: The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.
- Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:Snape: Take out... your wand.
Mike (as Snape): And do it... quickly.
- Bill: Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner.
- Bill: You stupid ginger son of a (beep)
- Snape stands staring out of a window while it's raining.Bill (as Snape): It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
- When Ron almost dies of poisoning:Slughorn: To life!
Bill: And to Ron's death! Also good.
- Later...Mike: And so dies one of screen histories most orange characters...
- When Lavender runs out of the hospital wing, brokenhearted and crying...Kevin: Yeah, 10 bucks says she's making out with Neville by dinner.
- At the Slug Club Christmas party, Cormac MacLaggen throws up on Snape's shoes and gets detention. Then Snape spots Harry ducking out of the party.Snape: Not so fast, Potter.
Bill (as Snape): The laws of comedy dictate that now I must puke on you.
- At the end of the tampered memory:Slughorn: I didn't know about such things. And if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Now get out of here at once, and never mention it again!
Bill (as Slughorn): And don't come back until our brunch tomorrow!
- When Harry and Dumbledore see the true memory of Slughorn explaining Horcruxes to Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort).Slughorn: A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed... part of their soul.
Bill: Like a My Little Pony diary.
- When Snape reveals that he is "The Half Blood Prince":Bill (as Snape): That's — that's my entire reveal? Not even going to explain what the hell "Half Blood Prince" even means? You know what? I'm glad there's only one of these left.
Mike (as crew member offscreen): We're splitting it into two movies!
Bill (as Snape): Damn... it.
- "Oh, these halls haven't been the same since Nearly Headless Nick got dragged down to Hell."
- At Aragog's funeral:Harry: Not to mention the pincers. (waggles his fingers in front of his face) Tch tch tch tch!
Kevin as Hagrid: (as Hagrid makes the most appropriate face) Go to hell, Harry.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
- Kingsley and Lupin testing to see if the other is an impostor.
- When Harry, Ron and Hermione infiltrate the Death Eater-controlled Ministry of Magic while disguised as various staff members, and come across a statue:Harry: Are those—
Hermione: Muggles. (voice breaking) In their... "rightful place"...
Bill: Inside a grilled cheese sandwich?
- When Harry, Ron and Hermione are teleported to the beach near Shell Cottage:Kevin: (on the warping sound effect) Sounds like someone dropped a manatee out from a helicopter.
- This:Hermione: Why would someone draw in a children's' book?
Mike: Yeah, children's book. It's like any adult reads those.
- When Harry finds the sword of Gryffindor at the bottom of the pond:Harry: Accio Sword.
Mike (as Harry): Huh, nothing. Ok, let me try this then. Uh, give me the (beep)ing sword!
- After Harry, Ron and Hermione are caught by the Snatchers and taken to Malfoy Manor...Lucius Malfoy: You dare to talk to me like THAT IN MY OWN HOUSE?!
Bill: Sounds like me to the clown at my son's birthday party.
- During the scene where Ron returns with Harry:Bill: And they [Harry, Ron, Hermione] silently stared at each other for the rest of the movie...
- When Bellatrix brutally interrogates Hermione:Hermione: I didn't take anything!
- When we see that Bellatrix has carved "Mudblood" (the racist term for Wizards who have non-magical parents) on Hermione's arm after interrogating her...Bill: Hmm, seen worse on Tattoo Nightmares.
- When we see that Bellatrix has carved "Mudblood" (the racist term for Wizards who have non-magical parents) on Hermione's arm after interrogating her...
- "Is Griphook going to have to choke a witch?"
- The guys doing The Lord of the Rings theme while during one of the landscape shots while Harry, Ron and Hermione wander through the countryside while hunting for Horcruxes.
- The return of the "I want to chomp into your throat" song from Twilight, where Ron attempts to sing it to Hermione with significantly less success than Edward.
- Kevin's eulogy for Dobby.Kevin: He died as he lived... looking dumb as hell.
- "Dear Diary, I ran into a girl in the nearby town of Forks who says she's a vampire. I only spent three minutes with her, yet I have never been so bored in my entire life."
- At the end of the "Tale of the Three Brothers" as Death comes for the third brother after he has passed his invisibility cloak to his son.Kevin (as the third brother): Wait, what have I done?! I'm too young! Take my son instead!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
- When Harry first visits a resting Griphook:Bill: Guys, Mr. DeVito is sleeping!
- The gang reacts in a mixture of horror and delight as they imagine a sea turtle is laying eggs on Dobby's corse.
- Griphook tells Hermione-disgused-as-Bellatrix that if she acts out of character, they may as well slit their own throats with the Sword of Gryffindor. Bill hopes that's how the franchise will end.
- As the group spirals towards Bellatrix's vault, the gang loudly and sarcastically advertises the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Orlando.
- The Death Eaters' curfew alarm for Hogsmeade is a screaming cat, and is set off by the trio Apparating in.Kevin: Did someone duct-tape a cat to a ceiling fan?
Bill: That would be awesome.
Mike (as a Death Eater): Oh, f***ing car alarms!
- When Neville appears in a tunnel formed by the painting of Ariana, Kevin quips that El Chapo is waving cheerfully from the corner. note
- Flitwick aims his wand high into the sky and begins casting Protega Maxima:Bill: That's how he reaches the "up" button on an elevator!
- Harry and Luna observe the teachers' defensive shield of Hogwarts being put up.Luna: It's very impressive, isn't it?
Mike (as Luna): How boring CGI effects have become!
- Some statues at the gates of Hogwarts:Mike: Gary, don't even think about dutch-ovening this shield.
- In the Room of Requirement:Mike (as a winged boar statue): Why does no one ever come looking for giant pig statues?
Kevin: Poor pig statue. Aww.
- The guys lampshade that the room has been engulfed in Fiendfyre, and that the trio hops on wooden brooms.
- A massive horde of Death Eaters try to charge Neville's bridge, only for several of them on the front lines to be disintegrated by the school's defensive shield. The massive crowd halts and awkwardly stand there, afraid to move forward.Mike: Heh. I've got the same kind of security system at my house. It's killed like eight UPS guys.
- Kingsley gets a bit apprehensive seeing the colossal assault from the Death Eaters on the school's shield.Kingsley: Hey Dean! On second thought, tell Professor McGonagall we might need one or two more wands this side.
Mike (as Kingsley): And some teenagers for human shields.
- Fred and George take their positions in a tower to help defend the castle.Bill: A young Statler and Waldorf prepare to mock the battle.
- As Snape dies:Bill (as Snape): I regret only two things: Inventing Quidditch and making out with Filch... Well, I regret one thing. Filch was surprisingly tender...
- The guys are exasperated when Voldemort addresses the school's combatants, believing that he's summoned Sauron to help him out in the battle.
- As the heroes grieve Fred, Lupin, and Tonks.Mike: Is it too much to hope that Dobby died again?
Bill: This is like the time me and my friends almost ruined my homecoming game by letting a badger loose on the field! Only here a lot more people died, were burnt to death or went to wizard hell.
Kevin (as George): Yes, I know it hurts, but take comfort in the fact that Dobby is still dead.
Mike (as Ron): (sniffles) That just means he was alive at one point! It's not right!
Kevin (as George): (whispering softly) I know... I know...
Bill: I'd give anything for the Sorting Hat to come out right now and sing a hilarious song!
Kevin: Hey guys, when beloved characters like these die, maybe out of respect, we should just knock off on the jokes.
Mike: Sure Kevin. Just out of curiosity, can you name these beloved characters, Kevin?
Kevin: (regarding Remus and Tonks) Oh, this is... Meatloaf and his wife...?
- Goyle falls to his death:Kevin (as Goyle): Tell my parents I was a character people gave a crap aboouuuuuuut!!!
Mike: Ehhhh, not gonna happen!
Kevin (as Goyle): Fair enouuuuuugh!!!
- Voldemort and his massive horde of Death Eaters have assembled upon a cliff overlooking Hogwarts.Bill: Wow. So many pale people in dark clothes. This is a great Steve Jobs flash mob!
- As Voldemort orders Hogwarts to surrender and join his ranks:Mike (as Voldemort): Filch, you may be my sex slave!
- The culmination of endless digs at Quidditch:Mike: The Quidditch stadium is burning which makes this the BEST QUIDDITCH SCENE IN ALL EIGHT MOVIES!!!
- A lot of it can be found here.
- "Gestapo Pizza!"
- "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
- "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
- "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again! Shoot him!"
- "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
- "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
- "Please, sir, don't steal our horse!" "Ram it, Osama!" "He's our only means of getting water! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
- "And Al Qaeda is born."
- "Indiana Jones, meet Düsseldorf Strauss!"
- "I'mgoing onbreak, bye!"
- Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.
—->Mike: I like my foreskin!
- "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
- During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
- "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today. Hey, kid, get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
- "It's filled with Skittles!"
- "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
- "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
- "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
- "Oh great, fanboys. Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
- *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH" "GO PACKERS!"
- When Indy is spying on the Nazis in the U-Boat: "I'm invisible!"
- "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."
- "Did you just salute a monkey, Gary...?"
- When the two Nazis call Sallah off the hill, Kevin and Bill make up translations:Kevin: Hey! Get away from that top secret area that we inexplicably left unguarded.
Bill: That hole that anyone can walk up to and jump into holds the key to our ENTIRE operation!
Kevin: Now kindly follow us further away from the hole so we can lock you up in a prison that we don't really guard either.
- When the truck blows up and Indy thinks Marion was killed in it:Indy: Marion...
Bill: She was holding the room key...! Oh no, that's right I asked for it back. Great.
- When Toht confronts Marion at the Raven Bar in Nepal...Marion: Listen, Herr mac—
Bill: I serve hard drinks for guys who wanna get drunk fast!
- When Belloq watches in a mirror Marion undress as she puts on the dress he gave her...Mike: Uh... No, you're mirror's angled wrong. That's Steven Tyler getting dressed.
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
- Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:Mike: ♪Here we go nooow,
Cause he's old, old, OLD!
Old, old, old, old, old, old, oooooold!♪
- The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
- Man, that guy is begging for suicide by Ent!
- On Cate Blanchett's accent:Indy: You're not from around here, are you?
Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?
Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing The Bullwinkle Show.
Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.
Mike: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.
- Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
- After the "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
- When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
- After Indy pulls the blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:Mike: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
- As the water is carrying the group to safety;Mike: Oxley! I just swam through a warm spot!
Bill: (mimicking Oxley's voice) I got scared, I'm sorry.
- During the ant sequence, when a Soviet soldier gets eaten by ants:Bill: Why did I use honey as a sunscreen?!
- After Grant scares the boy-girl kid with his raptor story:Ellie: "Hey, Alan. Y'know, if you wanted to scare the kid, you coulda pulled a gun on him."Weird Al (as Grant): "Naw, the judge said I'd be in a lot of trouble if I did that again."
- "Even in the Montana badlands, nobody is safe from BRAD WESLEY!"
- When the Brachiosaur is first seen:Weird Al: "The utter majesty... Imagine how much dogfood you could make with just one!"
- As the Jeep drives to the Visitor Center:Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: This park sucks...
- "Time to run amok! Where are the Japanese?!
- "I'm a sadistic bastard!"
- "Aah! A human!"
- Our heroes are blocked by a fence that may or may not be electrified:Weird Al: Timmy, you have a high tolerance for pain...
Mike (as Grant): Uh... take that stupid fence!
- When Grant throws a stick at the fence:
- The Running Gag of Weird Al not being able to tell whether the kid that didn't think that a raptor looked scary was a boy or a girl.
- "You snot nosed little... boy or girl."
- "You stare at him [a raptor], and he stares right back."Weird Al: Trying to figure out if you're a boy or a girl...
- "His 'boy or girl detector'!"
- Uh, parents, your son or daughter is being traumatized...
- Protect the bones! The fat kid can fend for his or her self!
- Is that kid out there a boy or a girl? We all have questions.
- *sighs in frustration* "BOY OR GIRL!?"
- When Hammond's grandchildren show up:Weird Al (as Sattler): (sighs) At least you can tell what gender they are, honey.
- After Dr. Grant and the kids first escape from the T-Rex.Lex: He left us...! HE LEFT US!!
Grant: But that's not... what I'm gonna do.
Mike: I have darker plans for you!
- "Shhhhhh, be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting waptors"
- *thunder crashes* "PLAY ME WILL YOU?!"
- "Phones are out, too..."Weird Al: (sadly) We're terrible dinosaur park makers...
- During Ian Malcolm's introductory scene:Mike: That is an excellent Jeff Goldblum impression!
- When Dr. Grant enters the trailer and finds Hammond digging through his refrigerator:Dr. Grant: What the hell do you think you're doing in here?!Mike: Gnomes belong in the garden!
- When we first meet Hammond:John Hammond: I can tell instantly about people — it's a gift.
Mike (as Hammond): I go mainly by skin colour!
- Nedry giggles happily as Dodgson gives him a bag full of money:Weird Al: Poor sap thinks the bag is full of bacon.
- Two park workers are shown, both wearing pink shirts:Weird Al (as Park worker one): So, as I was saying, Bob, I BOUGHT my pink shirt first!
Mike (as Park worker two): Yeah, yeah, but I WORE mine first, Travis!
Weird Al (as Park worker one): OOH, if this fence wasn't here—!
- The scene that takes place right after the Brachiosaurus sneezes over Lex.Timmy: God bless you!
Weird Al (as Brachiosaurus): I wish, every time we get up and running, God strikes us down with a meteor!
- On the safari tour cars...Mike: Did the Ninja Turtles paint those things? They're hideous!
- Before the Brachiosaur's introduction, when Hammond tells the Jeep driver to stop...Hammond: Slow down, slow down. Stop stop stop stop stop stop!
Weird Al (as Hammond): Let's moon the other car!
- The kids pile into the safari cars.Weird Al: Okay, kids, wave goodbye to your childlike innocence. (as the kids) GOODBYE, CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE, GOODBYE! GOODBYE! G'BYE, G'BYE, G'BYE!!
- When the T-Rex wrecks the bathroom that Gennaro is hiding in.Weird Al: Ah see, this is why Spielberg is genius: he was first... to blend a lawyer joke with a toilet joke.
Mike: So the giant dinosaur park was gonna be a one-holer? That's just more bad planning.
- When Gennaro gets eaten by a T-Rex on the can.Weird Al:' Now if he [The T-Rex] eats a rabbi, priest, or minister, heh, he'll have all his comedic bases covered.
- (mockingly) "He gets to use his accent, and you have to suppress yours! Nya nya nya nya nya nya!"
- (Nedry has crashed into a sign) "Okay, let's see... the sun, which he never sees, rises in the east..."
- This exchange at the mine scene:Gennaro: The insurance company- (he stumbles and falls down)
Mike: (slurring speech) Oops, sorry. I had like, nine beers on the raft.
- Grant and the kids enter the visitor center near the end:Grant: Hello?
Mike (as Grant): I think we broke your dinosaur park!
- "You'll find yourself wanting to be quieter in the world's first and only completely silent helicopter."
- During the opening scene:Mike (as random gum-chewing park worker): I shouldn't have majored in sociology.
- When Lex is panicking as Timmy is knocked over the wall:Mike: I don't understand what her problem is; when I was her age I used to pray that my brother would get eaten by a dinosaur!
- On Owen's (played by Chris Pratt) introduction...Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, 21st Century Brendan Fraser.
- When Claire (played by Bryce Dallas Howard) does stuff to her dress so that she's ready to go into the jungle to look for Gray and Zach (her nephews)...Kevin (as Claire): Okay, check out my audition piece for America's Angriest Stripper!
- When Owen and Claire check on a dinosaur who is dying from being mauled by the I-Rex...Mike: (groaning drunkenly) Oh, man... How many Zimas did I chug down last night?
- Regarding the late sibling of the Indominus.Masrani: What happened to the sibling?Claire: She ate it.Bill: Its last words were "NOT THE MAMA!!!"
- When Owen is taming the raptors...Owen: Good...Kevin (as Owen): Now hold for the trailer. Good...
- How the Indominus Rex draws out Owen:Bill!I-Rex: Guardians of the Galaxy suuucks.Mike!Owen: WHAT?! NO! EVERYONE LOVED IT, AND THE BOX OFFICE—Bill!I-Rex: A-HA! There you are!Mike!Owen: Aw, sonova—Kevin: [chuckles]
- After Claire and Owen decide to stay together and walk off in the middle of the refugee camp.Kevin: (as a doctor) Hey! Where are you two able-boded people going?! We need all the help we can get!
- "EEEEEEND!!!"Bill: Hey it worked that time! Good job, T-rex.
- After the park feeds the mosasaur a great white shark;Kevin: Woo, feed it more of an endangered species!Mike: It'll eat literally anything but let's feed it some pandas!
- After a ton of employees, including one named Lee, die, and Owen says they need to shut the park down;Claire: We'd never reopen.Mike, as Claire: Lee was the only one who knew the passcode to get in the front door.
Note: Jurassic Park III's riff can be found on the RiffTrax Presents page.
- During the battle in the prologueMike (as Elrond): Uh-oh. They've invented the tank. Pack it in, boys.
Kevin: That'd be it.
- "DOG-PILE ON ISILDUR!"
- During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.
- When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:Aragorn: I know what hunts you.
Mike: And his name is Fudd.
- When Arwen first appears:Arwen: Frodo.
Kevin: (sounding like the Zit-faced Teen) Yes? (clears throat to sound more deep and manly) I mean- Yes?
- During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:Galadriel: I know what you saw.
Kevin (as Galadriel): You filthy little man.
- Gandalf's arrival:Frodo: You're late.
Mike: And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.
- This exchange:Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
Kevin (as Gandalf): (in a stoner voice) So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?
- During a sweeping shot of The Shire:Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...
- Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
Mike (as Gandalf): Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
- Legolas' first appearance:Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"
- Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Big-Lipped Alligator Moment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
- And later during the Mines of Moria scene:Kevin: FOR TOM BOMBADIL, AND GOLDBERRY!
- And later during the Mines of Moria scene:
- "We are going to get our kids PS3s!"
- One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
- The Cave Troll scene:Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Tyson!
Kevin (as Mike Tyson): Hello there. I'd just come to say — OW, why you wanna go stickin' arrows in me?! What have I ever done to you? You see this hammer? I'm gonna whoop you with it now and— Hey, where'd you go, anyway?'
- When the troll stabs Frodo (he survives, though, thanks to his mithril vest.):Mike: NO, it can't be! That means we have to go through two more movies with just Sam.
- And after above, during the shot of the cave troll:Kevin (as the cave troll, to Frodo): Oh come on! Cowboy up! You're fine.
- "So, you think this is 'Troll the ancient yuletide carol'?
- When the troll stabs Frodo (he survives, though, thanks to his mithril vest.):
- "I just wanna bury the hatchet! *Evil Chuckle*"
- Mike's Galadriel impression, "Who else can I make cry?" after she gets into Boromir's head.
- When the Mike and Kevin riff on the scene where Boromir is shot to death by an Uruk Hai:
- "Ooh, that's gonna wreck his golf swing."
- "Well, I guess it's time to die now. Give my helmet to the dwarf and — FREEDOM!!!!"
- "I could use a hot shower and maybe a mug of beer and— (gets shot by the third arrow) — Oh! Or a nice arrow in the lung would be good, too. Thank you."
- "See you later, Sir Pin Cushion." "Yeah, 'Gore-amir'!" "Loser, he's from 'Gondork'!"
- As the gathering fellowship pledge their allegiance to Frodo:Aragorn: You have my sword.
Mike (as Aragorn): And I want it back.
Legolas: And my bow.
Gimli: And my axe!
Bill: He's a regular small-arms kleptomaniac!
- This brief exchange:Saruman: Whom do you serve?
Mike: The customer!
- They turn one of Boromir's lines into a crowning Double EntendreBoromir: Have you seen it Aragorn?
Kevin: Oooh! Now we're getting personal.
Boromir: The White Tower of Ecthelion.
Mike: Dah Wow.
Boromir: Glimmering like a spire of pearl and silver.
Kevin: Now that's just dirty.
Boromir: Its banners caught high in the morning breeze.
Mike: You can hang banners on yours?
Boromir: Have you ever been called home by the clearing of silver trumpets?
Kevin: This is turning into Brokeback Mount Doom.
- After the Fellowship leaves Rivendell:
- When Frodo tries to leave Sam behind.Frodo: You can't swim!
Mike (as Sam): Yeah, but I'm pretty darn good at drowning!
The Two Towers
- "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
- The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
- When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:Éomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
Mike: And shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?
- Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
- (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
- "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
- Aragorn, Théoden, and RiffTrax discuss Middle-Earth geopolitics:Aragorn: Send for aid from Gondor—
Théoden: (angrily) Gondor!
Mike: (in a Southern prospector/hillbilly voice) Ooh, I really hates that Gondor!
- Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:All (as Uruk Hai troops stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
- Later:Kevin (as Uruk Hai): Ow, why are we doing this?
Bill (as Uruk Hai): Sergeant, can we stop?
Mike (as Uruk Hai): No, crush those feet!
Kevin (as Uruk Hai): Why?!
Mike (as Uruk Hai): It is Orc law!
- Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing bows on ground) Boy, don't these things get heavy.
- Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:Mike: (singing) ♪And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...♪
Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?
Mike Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and..." Wow!
- When the old guy ends up shooting the arrow when he wasn't supposed to:
- About the aftermath of the impending battle:Théoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."
Mike: Cows recowed!
- Aragorn returns:Legolas: You look terrible.
Mike: Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?
- To Faramir:Sam: Will you not help him?
Mike: Yes, I will not.
- Theodred's death:
- The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:Bill (as the Uruk head): Hey, throw me a grape, and I'll catch it in my mouth. What's that? ...Look out for what behind me?
- At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim:Mike: They smell bacon!!!
- When the camera zooms in on Faramir looking pensive (where a deleted scene flashback of Boromir was supposed to take place):
- After the battle at Helm's Deep:Gandalf: All our hopes now lie with two small hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness.
Bill: In other words, Hail Lord Sauron!
- The RiffTrax guys making up what the muted slow-mo dialogue of Sam was:Kevin (in a slow mo voice as Sam): If you're not feeling well, can I have your lunch, and your dinner, please?
Bill (as Frodo in slow mo): My God, he's still hungry.
- The Riffers' pessimistic narration of how the various Heroic charges into thousands of Uruk-Hai should have gone down asMike (as Théoden and Aragorn charge out of Helms Deep during the climax) And they were killed immediately, their bodies torn to shreds, their intestines used as humorous decorations, the heads battered around like beachballs at a soccer stadium
- A few minutes laterBill (as Gandalf leads the Rohirrim army down the hill) And they were all slaughtered, their bodies piled like cordwood and burnt. But it twas a glorious end.
- A few minutes later
- When Grima Wormtongue orders Rohirrim soldiers to arrest Gandalf after he sees his staff:Womtongue: I told you to take the wizard's STAFF!
Bill (as soldiers imitating Wormtongue): We didn't HEAR YOU when you TOLD US!
- Saruman's speech to the Uruk-Hai army before they set off to take down Helm's Deep:Saruman: A new power is rising!
Kevin (as Saruman): But that's no excuse for your behavior!
Saruman: Its victory is at hand!
(The Urak-Hai do a commotion)
Mike (as an Urak-Hai): You ever gonna pay us??
Saruman: This night, the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan!
Kevin (as Saruman): Rosemary Han, I want her dead!
Saruman: March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive!
Bill (as an Uruk-Hai): You're not funny!
Saruman: TO WAR!!!
Mike (as Saruman): RIGHT AFTER LUNCH!
The Return of the King
- At the start of the Battle of Pelennor Fields:Bill (as a Rohan Soldier): Oh wait, you're all wearing green?! Oh come on! Those are the home uniforms! Okay, we gotta go back guys.
- Sméagol: My... precious...
Kevin: "Based on the novel, 'Push' by Sapphire."
- The part where Mike riffs on Shelob, the giant spider, approaching Frodo from behind, about to stab him with one of her stingers, Mike pretends to be singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" while coughing from smoke coming from a volcano.
- They have a lot of fun making fun of Denethor:
- During his introduction where he learns that Boromir died because of the evidence of the Horn of Gondor:Denethor: Perhaps you've come to explain this...
Bill (as Denethor): HOBBIT HOUSE!!! What did I tell you in strides about sounding the Horn of Gondor?!
- This:Mike: Really, his face is jigglier than a chorus line of Biggest Loser contestants.
- Before he yells, "Gondor is MINE! And no others!"
- As Gandalf and Pippin leave the throne room after the above line:Mike (as Denethor): Wait, I made crab meat quesadillas. I was up all night dicing mangoes for the salsa— (dejectedly) Oh, why do they leave?
- When during his Despair Event Horizon scene, after yelling "MY LINE HAS ENDED!"Mike: He's behaving like you when you miss McDonald's breakfast, Bill.
Bill: Always a blur of madness, so, I'll have to take your word for it.
- When Denethor sees Sauron's army after the above moment:Kevin (as Denethor, nervously): Uh... hi.
- After Denethor screams "ABANDON YOUR POSTS!"Mike: AND MY BOY if you have time!
- When Denethor gets set on fire:Mike (as Denethor): I SMELL LIKE BACON! Great, now I'm on fire and hungry!
- During his introduction where he learns that Boromir died because of the evidence of the Horn of Gondor:
- After Osgilath is conquered by the Orcs:Gothmog: The Age of Men... is over.
Bill: He's using Batman's voice.
Gothmog: The Time of the Orc... has come.
Kevin: They didn't bake him enough.
- Before Faramir goes on his doomed attempt to retake Osgilath:Faramir: Since you're robbed of Boromir...
Kevin (as Faramir): Who gets his bike?
Faramir: ...I will do what I can in his stead.
Bill (as Denethor): Good. First unclog the toilet. Boromir was great at that.
- Upon seeing the Door Into The Mountain where the Army of the Dead reside:Kevin: Whoa! Batcave's gone to hell since Alfred got deported!
- When Sauron's army from Mordor starts attacking Minas Tirith with catapults, and it hits one of the buildings:Bill: (disappointed) Oh, that's a corporate skybox.
- When Denethor drags Pippin out of the Tomb of the Stewards and fires him from the guard as he's about to kill himself and Faramir (who no one bothers to check for a pulse and confirm that he's not dead)...(Denethor drags Pippin out of the Tomb of the Stewards, with him screaming "HE'S NOT DEAD!!!")
Kevin (as Pippin in pain as if he had keys in his back pocket pocking his butt): OW, MY HUGE WHIMSICAL KEYS! WHY DON'T WE HOBBITS GO WITH THE STANDARD SIZE?!
Denethor: Farewell, Peregrin, son of Paladin. I release you from my service.
(Denethor throws Pippin onto the ground.)
Denthor: Go now and die in what way seems best to you.
(He closes the door.)
Bill: Well, me, I'd always hope to go out shirtless on an ATV, bottle of goldschlager in one hand, crashing through the plate glass storefront of my least favorite Subway franchise. But, I'm old fashioned.
- As the Riders of Rohan blow their horns before charging the orc army at Pelennor Fields:
- When Pippin finds Gandalf in Minas Tirath to help him save Faramir:
- During the Battle of Pelennor Fields, when the Witch King has the advantage over Eowyn, who the Witch King thought was a male warrior during the battle:The Witch King: You fool. No man can slay me.
Mike (as the Witch King): ...Except Jeff Dunham. I love puppet racism.
- This momentGandalf Sauron will suspect a trap.
Bill He'll say ITS A TRAP!!!!
- Before Aragorn says, "For Frodo..." after seeing a shot of the Eye of Sauron:Bill (as Aragorn): Guys, I think he's [Sauron] buying the diversion.
Kevin (as Sauron): (suspiciously) What's that??
Bill (as Aragorn): Oh, Sauron, I said "I'm trying 'Like A Virgin'!" I'm listening to a sample on iTunes.
Kevin (as Sauron): Oh, alright.
- "The Dude, International CEO."
- When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection.
Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.
Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
- Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio."THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
- When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE.
Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY.
- Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s
pasteverlasting drug problems.Mike: HEROIN! I mean HELP!
Kevin: I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Bill: VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
- [while Tony is building his reactor]Yinsen: What is that?
Kevin (as Tony Stark): It's called a "cram it four eyes."
Bill (as Yinsen): Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!
- As the terrorists watch Tony and Yinsen on monitors:Mike: Hmm. The "Guys Tinkering With Crap" Channel isn't as good as I thought it would be.
- Upon seeing the terrorist leader Raza closely for the first time:
- "Summer 2009: Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry!!!"
- "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in killing you."
- (terrorists all cock their guns at Yinsen) "Surprise! Happy birthday, Ahmed!"
- When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:Kevin: The new and improved Tin Man!
Bill: Oil can replaced by can of Whoop-Ass.
- When one of the terrorist tries killing Tony by shooting him in the head with a pistol, only to have bullet go into the terrorist's head instead:Mike: Seth Rogen—assassin.
- When one of the terrorist tries killing Tony by shooting him in the head with a pistol, only to have bullet go into the terrorist's head instead:
- "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."
- When the Mark I suit is seen in full daylight for the first time:
- When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:Kevin: Guys...I'm having...Ishtar flashbacks...(starts gasping for breath)
Mike: No, we're losing Kevin! Bill, give him 20cc of Lawrence of Arabia soundtrack, stat!
Bill: Uh, roger! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music)
(Kevin calms down)
Mike: Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin?
Kevin: I-is that Peter O'Toole?
Mike: Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it is Peter O'Toole.
Bill: It is definitely not Warren Beatty or Dustin Hoffman.
(A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.)
Mike: Bill, no!
Kevin: (gasping again) Ishtar...can't breathe...!
Bill: Sorry! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music again)
- "Xanadude: L. A. home of Charles Foster Kane III."
- As Iron Man crawls out of a crater in Gulmira:Kevin (as Stark): Cross-check critical components.
Bill (as Jarvis): Gonads intact.
Kevin (as Stark): All critical components accounted for.
- This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:Bill (as Iron Man): Give me a reason not to smite thee.
Kevin: I'm being held captive here against my will!
Bill: Can't hear you, smiting.
- Or this when we meet the (aptly named) main villain.Announcer: Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane...
All: Obadiah Stane?!
Bill: Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?
- At the start of Tony's press conference.Stane: [over a microphone, audible pause] Aaahh...
Kevin: That's a moose! Okay, now you do an animal.
Stane: What we should take away from this...
- After Tony's made his announcement and Obadiah has shooed him offstage:
Kevin: ... is "never sit down at a press conference"!
- They actually manage to make Tony's face-plant into the wall during his first test of the boots even funnier:Mike: Okay! Hero: dead. New star of movie: the cute little fire-fighting robot.
- "I brought you some steak and some spinach; your diet needs more iron, man! (laughs weakly)"
- When Pepper gives Tony the "Proof that Tony Stark Has a Heart":Bill: He's secretly terrified that "Proof that Tony Stark Had a Penis" is next in the series.
- Turning Pepper into The Ditz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
- Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.
- Them pointing out the Fridge Logic of Iron Monger's growling. It means Jeff Bridges is growling within the suit. Them recreating it makes it all the better.
- The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
- Odin's first appearance :
- When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
- Odin breaking his toe, twice.Bill (as Odin): OW, MY TOE, I THINK I JUST BROKE IT!
Bill (as Odin): OW, TOE, AGAIN!
- Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
- "Is there something in my mouth?"
- After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!
Mike: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending— Aw damn it.
- Shortly after Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
- When Loki finds out he's Laufey's son.Loki: Laufey's son...
Bill (as Loki): I'm not sending two Father's Day cards.
- The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
- "He's Odin-snoring like crazy."
- "Especially when the allfather is Odinsleeping."
- "Can a guy GET SOME ODINSLEEP PLEASE?"
- "Odin's chambers. What better place to Odinsleep.
- "I AM TRYING TO ODINSLEEP!"
- They continue making Odinsleep jokes in the RiffTrax Commentaries for Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers.
- Coulson's introduction :Mike (as Coulson): I'm in charge of smug.
- Thor can't lift Mjolnir:Mike (as Thor): Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?!
- When Loki tricks Thor into thinking Odin died:Loki: Father is dead.
Kevin (as Loki): He drank too much mead, hit on a valkyrie, got in an ax fight; bad scene.
Mike (as Loki): I SAID "DAD'S DEAD"!!!
- This:Loki: The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.
Bill (as Thor): Wait, wait. The throne fell on you? Are you okay?
- Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
- As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please, please, PLEASE let a mischievous monkey find it!"
- They also include this joke to their Running Gag from the Star Wars RiffTrax of Anakin's distaste for sand:Mike (As Jane Foster): "Listen, how do you feel about sand? My last boyfriend was so hung up by it; it's so annoying."
- "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
- When Loki is lying on the bridge:Mike (in Droopy's voice): My horn's stuck.
- This:Thor: You can't kill an entire race!
Loki: Why not?
Mike: Ah, the rarely-invoked "why not?" defense of genocide.
- When Thor destroys the Bifrost bridge, which in turn cause him to not see Jane Foster again (at least until the sequel to Thor)...Loki: IF YOU DESTROY THE BRIDGE, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!
Mike (as Thor): Why do you think I'm doing it?!
- As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!
- Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
- When Loki falls:
- When Thor is being banished:Thor: AND YOU ARE AN OLD MAN AND A FOOL!Mike: Sounds exactly like the last time I sat on Santa's lap.
Captain America: The First Avenger
- The opening, in which Kevin tries dressing up as the eponymous hero but gets him confused with Wonder Woman. The results are predictable.
- At Johan Schmidt's factory:
- This Take That! to Chris Evans, who was also The Human Torch in Fantastic Four (2005).4F Doctor: I'm saving your life.
(Stamps 4F onto the registration)
Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore Fantastic Four (2005) sequels.
- When the HYDRA agent that kills Dr. Erskine kills himself after being caught by Steve Rogers after saying "Hail Hydra":Mike: (scoffs) Wow. Gotta be embarrassing to botch your dying "Heil Hitler" that way if you're Nazi.
Kevin: I think he said "Hail Hydra".
Mike: Oh, so infinitely more embarrassing.
- When one of the three Nazi Officers discovers that one of Red Skull's targets in his bombing is Berlin:Nazi Officer: Berlin is on this map!
Kevin (as Red Skull): Of course it is! Practice your world capital geography another time!
- When the Red Skull vaporizes the three Nazis so that they would not report back to Hitler with his vaporizing gun:
- When Captain America meets Johan Schmidt for the first time:
- "YOU ARE FAILING!"Mike: His standing evaluation of the Kansas City Royals.
- When Captain America makes one of the bombs drop without it being piloted and a HYDRA goon plummets to his doom:Mike: No its, "YEE HAW!", not, *garbled scream*.
- The Northwest/Delta Airline Joke:Steve Rogers: It's not gonna be a smooth landing.
Kevin: Still I prefer this flight to Delta.
- When Bill thinks that in Captain America's photo of Peggy Carter (his love interest) has a mustache, it turns into a long joke until having to be stopped by Mike.
- The ending:Steve Rogers: (grimly) I had a date...
Bill (as Steve): It's my favorite dried fruit, and I lost it.
* bonk sound*
Kevin: You asked for that.
Mike: Wow! Kevin, where did you get a shield?
Kevin: I've always had one.
Mike: Huh! Well, as Kevin goes to pick up his shield and throw it once again at Bill—
Bill: KEVIN, NO! I KNOW IT WASN'T A GREAT JOKE! I'M SORRY!
* bonk sound*
Kevin: Take that, Red Skull!
Bill: "IT'S RED WITH BLOOD!!
Mike: —we'll say good bye from RiffTrax.com.
* bonk sound*
Kevin: There we go!
- As Banner changes into the Hulk:Kevin: Why does Hulk wear thong today!? WHY DOES HULK EVER WEAR THONG!?
- Bill: HULK SNEAK! TEE-HEE!
- When Nick Fury tries to stop rogue planes from nuking New York City: "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER*bleep*ING ROGUE BIRDS ON THIS MOTHER*blee*ING HELLICARRIER!"
- The sheer number of times they have Nick Fury resist saying mother*beep*er in this PG-13 movie.
- The time Bill Corbett starts to quip and Downey Jr steals his line. For the next several minutes Bill tries to out quip Downey as Kevin and Mike keep hitting him.
- When Thor is holding all the reinforcements at bay in the portal with lighning.Mike: Wow! So just keep doing that?
Bill: Yeah, between that and Hawkeye standing on a roof with a bow and arrow we're all set.
- The endless fun they have with Hawkeye saying that he sees better from a distance.Hawkeye: I see better from a distance.
Mike: What?! No you don't!
- Followed up with this, after Hawkeye's brainwashing is removed:Mike (as Hawkeye): Okay, focus, Hawkeye, you can do this!
Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow): Clint, you're gonna be alright.
Mike (as Hawkeye): Who's there?! You're too close for me to see you!
- Followed up with this, after Hawkeye's brainwashing is removed:
- Also this:Loki: (to Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye) Tell me what you need.
Mike: Let me guess: "SOME ARROWS!"
- When Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye hands over his bow to a minion.Bill (as the minion): Wohoo! I'm Hawkeye now!
Mike (as Hawkeye): What? No you're not... OK, you basically are.
- Jane Foster's lack of appearance in the film (due to the fact that Natalie Portman was pregnant during the time of filming, so, she couldn't be in the movie) :Coulson: As soon as Loki took the doctor, we moved Jane Foster.
Bill: She's safe on "Retcon Island".
- When Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye and a squad of henchmen approach the helicarrier to attack it:Female SHIELD Traffic Control Person: We got you on the computer, but not on the data log. What is your haul, over?
Pilot: Arms and ammunition, over.
Kevin (as the pilot): Oh and we also got a guy who claims that he was in that new Bourne movie, but none of us saw it or really care, over.
- Also as Hawkeye fires an explosive tipped arrow at one of the helicarrier's engine:Kevin (as a SHIELD Traffic Control Person): Guh, unidentified ship that hasn't landed, this is SHIELD traffic control. Uh, you know there's a man with a bow and arrow standing in your open hatch about to shoot at our aircraft? Just kinda weird. But we trust you implicitly, over.
- When Hawkeye blows up the engine:Kevin (as a SHIELD Traffic Control Person): Guh, unidentified ship that hasn't landed, now you're exploding us. Is this some kind of PRANK? YIKES. Anyway we still trust you and love you over.
- Also as Hawkeye fires an explosive tipped arrow at one of the helicarrier's engine:
- When Black Widow fights with Hawkeye, Mike, Kevin and Bill pay no attention to the scene and talk about how he pales in comparison to the other characters (in their opinion) and Bill keeps telling them that he's not a "comic book" expert.
- When Black Widow is in her Heroic BSoD after being chased by the Hulk:Kevin (as Black Widow in pain): Oh, why did I eat that taco?
- According to Kevin, the "A" on Captain America's head means that he's an adulterer.Officer: Why the hell should I take orders from you?
Kevin (as Officer): I don't listen to adulterers!
Bill (as Captain America): No, the "A" stands for—
Kevin (as Officer): Algeria, I know.
Bill (as Captain America): —AMERICA!
- When Mr. Anderson (Neo) is being admonished by his boss:Neo's Boss: You have a problem with authority—
Kevin (as Neo): No I don't! Go to hell!
- When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:Mr. Anderson/Neo: This is insane...!
Kevin: Oh no, the next two movies are insane. This one is somewhat rational.
- When Mr. Anderson (Neo) gets his mouth sealed shut:Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent.
Kevin: Oh, now I have more to shave!
- "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
- "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
- During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:Morpheus: How did I beat you?
Kevin (as Neo): Quite soundly, thank you.
Morpheus: You think that's air you're breathing?
Mike (as Morpheus): Its wild rice.
- Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...
Kevin: Okay, give it a try.
Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...
Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world...that's Linux-based...
Mike: And Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp...
Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!
Kevin: I think you got it!
Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!
Kevin: That's The Matrix!
- "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The '50s?
- "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"
- Sometimes it's the simple things:Morpheus: Tank.
Mike: You're welcome.
- As Trinity emerges after lifting a manhole cover -
The Matrix Reloaded
- Their introduction:Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy...
Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean!
Mike: ...The Matrix was there, boldly flaunting convention, and sucking in Part Two!
- "TETSUO!!!"Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in.
Kevin: (mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy) You want what on your pizza?
- When Neo dreams of Trinity dying and falling out of a high building, crash-landing on a parked car on the street:Mike (as Neo): (startled awake) My car!
- The citizens of Zion gather around the homecoming Neo and deliver their pleas:Old woman: I have a son, Jacob, aboard the Gnosis. Please, watch over him.
Neo: I'll try.
Another old woman: I have a daughter on the Icarus—
Bill (as Neo): (annoyed) Yeah, I'm already kind of watching Jacob...
- "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"
- Trinity: What is it?
Neo: ...I don't know.
Mike: (chuckles) A tower of insight, this one.
- Link is returning home to his wifeLink: Where's my puss—
(realizes that children are in the room)
(the riffers chuckle)
Cas: C'mon kids, time to go.
Mike (as the kids): But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!
- Pretty much everything to do with the Riffers playing the members of the crowd for Morpheus' Rousing Speech:
- Morpheus: Believe when I say: We have a difficult time ahead of us! But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first SHED OUR FEAR OF IT!
Kevin (as audience member): YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!
Bill (as audience member): GET OFF THE STAGE!
- Morpheus: Let's us send a message to that army!
Kevin (as Morpheus): Who knows binary?
Bill (as crowd member): I do!
Kevin (as Morpheus): He's a machine!
Mike (as other crowd member): Kill him!
- During the infamous dance scene/sex sceneKevin: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.
(the scene goes on)
Kevin: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter.
- "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
- "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
- (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
- During one of the cuts to Neo and Trinity's sex scene:Mike: (sing-songy) Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!
- When Smith starts cloning himself:Bane: Oh god!
Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.
Mike (as Smith): I love it when they set me up like that!
Kevin: I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.
(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)
Mike and Kevin (both as Smith): My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!
- "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
- Oracle: You have seen it, haven't you? The door made of light?
Bill (As Neo): I-I'm usually in my underpants for that dream...
Oracle: What happens when you through that door?
Bill (As Neo): The whole school laughs at my underpants.
- "Pop goes the Agent~!"
- "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk.
- Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant.
Bill (as Smith): We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops.
- Smith states that he is now a free man.Neo: Congratulations.
Smith: Thank you.
Bill (as Smith): (irritated) I was hoping for a little card or a song... But "thank you" nonetheless.
- When Smith assimilates a woman:Bill: Ah, it's the reverse Larry Wachowski maneuver!
- The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
- The Riffers taking the Merovingian's rather narmy comparison of speaking the French language and "wiping your ass with silk" and running with it; giving the Merovingian a strange and rather creepy obsession with silk.
- This exchange about the scene where the Merovingian waxes philosophically while feeding the attractive woman a literally orgasm-inducing cake:Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?
Mike: I want a new universe!
Kevin: Me too.
- "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
- During the big fight in the parlor:Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...
Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly—
Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter)
Bill: There, there, Mike...
Kevin: It's okay, buddy.
Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!
- Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
Bill: Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin.
- Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
- During the highway chase scene:Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn!
Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.
- Later:Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!
- And later still:Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!
Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify?
Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay.
- And later still:
- "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
- Along the same lines:(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
(next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"
- Along the same lines:
- (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
- Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:Kevin: Words wordswordswords words... words words words.
Mike: (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes... No, don't encourage him!
Bill: Well good, we're done, can we- (the Architect starts talking again) Gah! The guy's like a parrot in a cracker factory.
Kevin: That's right, folks, the ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER! The instruction manual for my snow blower is gripping compared to this clown!
Mike: Oh look, bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders.
Kevin: Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked! Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.
Bill: OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!
Kevin: Words words wordswordswords words words.
The Matrix Revolutions
- Neo meets Sati's family; first her father:Rama-Kandra: (about Sati) I'm sorry, she is still very curious.
Kevin (as Rama-Kandra): She's always approaching unconscious strangers.
- Then her mother, who makes absolutely no attempt whatsoever at hiding her hostility towards Neo:Kamala: What are you doing here? You do not belong here.
Rama-Kandra: Kamala! Goodness, I apologize. My wife can be very direct.
Kevin (as Rama-Kandra): I wish our marriage had never been arranged!
- Then her mother, who makes absolutely no attempt whatsoever at hiding her hostility towards Neo:
- Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
- During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart!
- And then during his death:All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess...
- And then during his death:
- Comenting on the music during the final battle:Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...
- "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
- "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical." "Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates... IN that I want to drink hemlock and die."
- Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That! against a bit part played by Cornell West:West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.
- During Trinity's death scene:Mike: Ow, ow, ow, OW!
Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!
My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!
Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!
Kevin: And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?!
It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!
Bill: My thought was "please if I ever died horribly impaled on a bunch of poles, please let my boyfriend not be such a nob that he repeatedly leans on them", so, it's kind of ironic.
- As Morpheus approaches the passive machines:Niobe: What are you doing!?
Mike (as Morpheus): Shhh! I'm gonna go tip one over... (chuckles like a scamp)
- After when Neo has seemingly defeated Agent Smith:Kevin: Great, perfect, done. Keanu's destroyed the evil Hugo, and there's peace in the Matrix failure. Well, guys, I'm gonna grab my fishing rod, and thing those leeches out of the fridge—
Bill: Uh, better keep those leeches in the fridge, Kevin; I don't think we're out of the woods yet.
Mike: Wait, those were leeches in the fridge?
Kevin: What do you mean, "were"?
Mike: I—I thought they were anchovies. I wondered why anchovies would stick to the roof of mouth, and my hands, and my lip. And crawl off my caesar salad.
- "And the movie climax is — quite appropriately — in sewage."
- "Wait, I've seen this."Mike (as Smith): It was in the trailer...
- "Wait, I've seen this."
- A less happy view of the ending than was intended:Kevin: And so, as the sun rises on the Matrix, most of humanity is still enslaved by the robot overlords, while the rest continue to rot in a damp cave with poor ventilation, miles underground. What a glorious ending to over six hours of movie.
- When Mifune is yelling while fighting off Sentinels on his mech:Kevin: You know, there's no dumb action sequence that can't be made dumber by a guy yelling like a wounded grizzly.
- When Peter finds that a spoon was stuck to his wrist:Bill: He's Magneto!
- The scene where Peter visits Aunt May in the hospital. Mike keeps intentionally screwing up both Peter and Aunt May's names, eventually leading to Bill, using the sweetest tone of voice imaginable, to ask Mike to go to hell.
- The guys then interprets May going to sleep as her passing away right there.Mike (as Aunt May): Here I come, Ben!
- The guys then interprets May going to sleep as her passing away right there.
- During the wrestling scene, with the crowd holding signs that say "KILL HIM" and shouting angrily:Kevin: Boy, they hate him. Every single person in the arena wants him, not just hurt, but dead. Actually dead. His head on a pike, right next to the refreshment stand.
- "Watch out for random vomit slicks."
- During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
Mike: The five-minute scene of them going "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.
- During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete!
Mike: I sent you an email about it!
- When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:Peter: HARRY!
Mike: I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!
- A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:James Lileks: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.
- After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:Eddie: What the hell?!
James Lileks: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!
- When Sandman gets punched by Black Suit Spider-Man:James Lileks: Kids, don't do drugs.
- Peter prepares to call someone:Mike: Well, a quick call to Bone Saw oughtta cheer him up.
(Hangs up phone)
Mike: (dejected) Oh, why would Bone Saw want to talk to a loser like me...?
- "I don't think it's for us to say who lives and who dies."James Lileks: That's up to Zac Efron.
- "Hmm, how does May know so much about revenge?"
- "Hmm, wonder what FINLEY HARLOCKER'S UP TO."
- "Tomorrow's headline: 'PHOTOGRAPHER MACED. HEROIC WOMAN THROWN TICKER TAPE PARADE'."
- "I have a nine-year-old daughter, loves Spider-Man. Who's she supposed to look up to now?"Mike: Me? HA!
- "'Just Got Lucky', Topher Grace's biography title."
- "He's gripped by the sudden inexplicable fear that Mr. Dikovich is watching him shower!"
- "Zombie Johnny Cash!"
- "Also, Peter was taken over by some sort of symbiote and that's why he's acting so weird. Heh, why do I keep these plot points to myself?"
- "It's...hard to believe what is happening."Mike: Harder to care.
- "Uh, is it too late to claim that you sent me from the future? Heh heh..."
- When Khan lifts Chekov by his spacesuit:Bill: Chekov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!
- On the rendering of the Genesis Effect:
- The massive amounts of 'spoilers' Kevin keeps spouting during the opening credits, to Mike and Bill's annoyance.Kevin: Okay, now they're just wasting everybody's time! Come on, START! Kill Spock already!
Mike: Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Kevin.
Kevin: Well, really. I could have killed Spock and Kirk's son by now!
- When Scotty holds his dying nephew, who is badly burned:Bill (as Scotty): I got hungry!
- "Explore my backstory in Fan Fiction!"
- Mike on Captain Terrell's death:
- When Terrell feels hesitant to pull the trigger and kill Kirk:Mike: Looks like me when I'm about to hit play on a Kevin Smith movie.
- When Terrell screams in pain from the eel:Mike: And that's me two minutes into a Kevin Smith movie...
- When Terrell finally kills himself by vaporizing himself with his phaser:Mike: ...and three minutes into a Kevin Smith movie. Two and a half if it's Cop Out.
- When Terrell feels hesitant to pull the trigger and kill Kirk:
- This moment:Khan: Admiral Kirk... sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us.
Chekov: You lie! On Ceti Alpha V, there was life! A fighting chance—
Khan: THIS IS CETI ALPHA V!
Kevin (as Khan): Oh, sorry! I don't mean to yell; it's just the weather's been lousy and Gary overcooked my sand wrap this morning and— (calmly) Let's just start over.
Khan: Ceti Alpha VI... exploded six months after we were left here.
Mike: Not blaming Gary.
Khan: The shock shifted the orbit of this planet, and everything was laid waste.
Bill (as Khan): Even my best gowns...
- When Kirk yells the infamous "KHAN!!!!!!" line:'Mike:: He all of a sudden remembered which Bill & Ted character wrecked the Sporting Goods Store.
- After Khan realizes Starfleet mistook Ceti Alpha 5 for the destroyed sixth planet:Khan: You didn't expect to find me; you thought this was... Ceti Alpha VI.
Bill: You guys really should keep better track of where you leave your evil warlords.
- As Khan pulls a Ceti eel out of a nearby tank:
- "There's no damage, but crew members are reported falling and jumping around on all decks."
- "80s White Guys, assemble!"
- "You'd think the grate-lifting process would be automated by 23rd century."
- When Joachim points out their sensors would be useless in the nebula:Khan: Why are we slowing?
Mike (as Joachim): Look, do you want to drive?
Joachim: We can't follow them into the nebula, sir. Our shields would be useless.
Kevin: Speaking of useless, what do the other ten guys in Khan's control room do?!
- When Khan lifts debris and throws it out of the way:
- "Spock now joins the ranks of pointy-eared gods like, um, Frodo and... Satan and... Prince Namor, but that's all."
- As the Ceti eels go into Chekov and Terrel by the ears:Bill: Wow, honest-to-God ear worms.
Mike: Now Party In The USA will be stuck in their heads for weeks, poor bastards.
- This:Joachim: Enterprise will wait. She's not GOING ANYWHERE!
Bill (as Joachim): We, on the other hand, have a BIRTHDAY LUNCH at Chuck E. Cheese's, and we will not BE LATE!
- "My God, look at the cleavage on that man!"
- David gets a ridiculous yet surprisingly fitting Droopy Dog-style wimp voice. And he keeps wetting himself.
- When Kirk sees the dying Spock:Kirk: SPOCK!!
Mike (as Kirk): I always meant to ask, do you use product in your hair or is it naturally greasy?!
- When McCoy and Kirk look into a cabinet containing the Genesis device:McCoy: Genesis, I presume.
Mike: "Jim, this is Cypress Hill?'
Kevin: Yes, in the 23rd century, all weed-centric rap groups are preserved as giant cabinet-like structures.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
- When Kirk falls while trying to scale the cliff:Mike (as Kirk): Aaahh! When people come for my funeral, make sure they get the best prices on hotels at Priceline.com! Aaaahh!
- During the siege of Nimbus 3:Mike: And so the lamest city in the galaxy falls to the attackers in the universe, in what would come to be known as "The Three-In-A-Half Minutes War".
- Right before the infamous "Row Row Row Your Boat" SequenceSpock: I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as... a "sing-along".
Kevin: Let's do "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".
- At the end of the infamous Uhura fan-dance:Uhura: Hello boys!
Mike and Kevin (as the men who approached her): Hello Ms. Uhuru.
- "D'ooh, if only we weren't horny and stupid."
- After Spock and Kirk are captured by Sybok's goons:Kevin: Yay! We can ransom them for some toothpaste and soap!
Mike: And I can get a new stick.
- When Kirk meets Sybock:Kirk: I am James T. Kirk, captain of the Enterprise.
Sybok: I see!
Mike (as Sybok): You're that Priceline idiot.
- When Scotty bonks onto something in the hallway and gets knocked out:Mike: Oh! Attention! Scotty has fallen! The hall has been breached!
- When they meet "God":"God" (about Kirk): Who is this creature?
Mike (finishing Sybok's line): He's just some hammy Canadian.
Kevin: (chuckling) ...and Santa Claus! I knew it! I knew God would be Santa Claus!
- The guys interpreting the entity's chosen form as Santa Claus
- "And Merry Christmas..."
- Near the end of the film:McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. (points to his heart) Human heart.
Mike (as McCoy): ...Bullsh*t, Captain.
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
- When Spock mentions opening negotiations with the Klingons:Admiral Cartwright: Negotiations for what?
Keven: (as Spock faces him) Did I say you could talk?!
- The Enterprise fires off its torpedo and tracks Chang's Bird-of-Prey.Bill: Now's the winter of kick your ass, made glorious summer by my foot.
Chang: To be... or not... to be...
Kevin: (as torpedo hits)Looks like option two!
Star Trek: Generations
- Mike's trivial tidbit about how one can recreate the wall of stars that appears in the opening scene devolving into a violent reminiscing of a time his sons ruined an entire wall attempting to do so and then into an enraged rant pleading the audience to never have children.
- The guys giving Sulu's daughter George Takei's voice.Mike: (in Takei's voice) Hello, captain.
- Kevin's irrational hatred for Chekhov despite his admiration for Walter Koenig.Kevin: You're as Russian as my Irish grandmother, you hack.
- "Yeah! He won a hat!"
- "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
- Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
- Picard: Warp One, engage!
Kevin: Go that way!
- "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
- "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
- The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.Kevin: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
Mike: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!
Kevin: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".
Mike: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
Kevin: Click, buzz, whir.
- Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
- Which could be considered a Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.
- Alternatively, during Kirk's death scene, Disembaudio blares out "Buy more Rifftrax!" throughout the scene, with Mike trying (and failing) to scold him.
- Which could be considered a Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.
- When Picard tells Kirk that he needs to get to the launcher, his accent leads to Kevin to gripe "There's no time to be sitting in a lawnchair!"
- Picard: Picard to Farragut. Two to beam up.
Kevin: What did he just call that guy?
Star Trek (2009)
- "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
- "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
- "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Redshirt."
- The Kelvin being heavily damaged:
- Bill (as baby Kirk): And the baby cries: Wah... wawah. Goo... googahgah.
- The trio of Vulcan bullies:Young Spock: I presume you have prepared new insults for today?
Vulcan Bully 1: Affirmative.
Bill (as Vulcan Bully 1): We intend to diss you, Westcoast style.
Mike (as Vulcan Bully 2): We shall commence woofing on why you so ugly.
- Spock flips out after the Vulcan bullies called his mother the "human whore":Bill (as Vulcan Bully 1): Please, Spock. The logical response is to return a dispiriting jape concerning one of our mothers.
- Spock flips out after the Vulcan bullies called his mother the "human whore":
- This exchange:Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
Bill (as young Spock): No, they don't! GO TO HELL, DAD!
- Also:Captain Pike: Your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes, he saved eight hundred lives. I dare you to do better.
Mike (as Pike): I have endangered eight hundred and one people's lives and you have 20 minutes to save them.
- About the Romulans:Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!
- During Kirk's academic cheating trial:Kirk: (to Spock) Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.
Mike (as Kirk): Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?
- As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock refusing to be part of the Vulcan Science Academy:Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!
- At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.
Mike: ...Oh and Kirk, you're guilty, and I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!
- "She-Hulk is pleased!"
- On the bridge, where we meet...Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu.
Mike (as George Takei): No, you're not.
- "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
- "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
- When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.
Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices): Hi, Nero.
- One of Disembaudio's lines, when Chekov is speaking, preserves his Funetik Aksent. "Approaching ze platform, Keptin!"
- When the Red Shirt dies:Bill: (chuckling as he says this) Didn't realize Wile E. Coyote was on their jump team.
- On the drill landing scene:Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."
Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.
- "Wait, WHY AREN'T I MOVING?!?!"
- Bill (as a Romulan who got stabbed by Sulu and falls): Tell my bald wife and bald children how bald I think they are!
- When the planet-destroying Red Matter is launched:Bill: "Launch the red matter." Hey, you know, that's diner slang for when somebody orders a bowl of tomato soup.
Kevin: Hi I'm "Charlie the Alien Death Machine"! Kill you later! (laughs)
- As Vulcan is about to get consumed by a blackhole created by the red matter...Chekov: Captain, the gravitational sensors are off the scale. If my calculations are correct, they're creating a singularity...that will... consume the planet.
Bill (as Spock): "Za" planet?
Mike (as Chekov): Yes sir. The whole thing.
Bill (as Spock): "Za"... whole "zing"?
Mike (as Chekov): Yes, and everything around it!
Bill (as Spock): "Everyzing"?
Mike (as Chekov): Look, we're in great danger!
Bill (as Spock): Yeah, I get that; I take it pretty seriously. But...really? "Ve're" in great danger?
Mike (as Chekov): Yes sir, very (sounding like weary) great danger.
- When Spock tries to evacuate the Vulcan council and his mom:Kevin (as Spock): Nice beaming! Thanks, guys! I'll just run the six miles to spot I wanted to be.
- After planet Vulcan is destroyedMcCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!
Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!
Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!
Bill: There you go!
- When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
- During the scene on the ice planet:Mike (as Kirk): What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!
- (in regards to the first appearance of Spock!Prime) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign, 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
- "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
- When Kirk and Spock!Prime meet Scotty:Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.
Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife."
* A little later*
Scotty: Are you from the future?
Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: "THE FUTURE!!!"
- "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
- As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
- When Kirk sees Spock and Uhura making out:Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.
- "Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!"
- When the drill attacks San Francisco:Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!
- "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
- "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
- "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
- "Backstreet's back, alright!"
- "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
- When victory is achieved:Mike (as Spock): Nice.
Kevin (as Kirk): Nice.
Bill (as Sulu): Nice.
Mike (as Chekov): Neee-YIIIIIce.
- At the end:Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?
Mike (as Scotty): Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!
- "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."
- When we see Old Spock during Kirk's award ceremony:
- During the attack on the KelvinShip's Computer: Autopilot Function: Disabled.
Bill: Captain: Officially Boned.
- Woman (to T-X) Are you okay?
Kevin: "Okay"? The girl who works at Starbucks is "okay." She's naked, hot, and terrific!
- When the T-850 first arrives and the guys are hoping for another naked T-X:Mike: Argh! Hey, isn't he too old to be naked? I mean, ever again?
- When the T-X climbs out of the wreckage of the crane:Kevin: How can you fear anyone so cute and pouty?
Mike (as T-X): We are so not dating anymore!
- Scott is a smirking tool:Kate: She killed Scott because of me.
Kevin: Scott would have died of his own douche-ed-ness anyway.
- Kevin has a crush on the T-X:Kevin: Oh, I wouldn't mind being in her "chain of command," if you know what I mean.
Mike: Kevin, she's a killer, shape-shifting robot!
Kevin: Ah, as long as she keeps that shape most of the time and keeps the killing down to a minimum, I'll stand at attention for her anytime.
- Mike's take on John's line to Kate (which screams "That sounded much better on paper") after she finally displays a little badassitude:John: "You remind me of my mother!"Mike: "...And aside from 'You remind me of my dad,' I cannot think of a worse way to compliment a woman."
- As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell.
- Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
- As John Connor steps onto the landing site:
- Marcus: Where is everybody?
Kyle: They're gone.
Bill (as Kyle): They thought the second movie was a good place to stop.
- As the Harvester first appears:Mike (as Harvester): Hey, I think I'm in the wrong movie. You guys seen a douchy, stammering kid running around with a stripper?
- As the Prisoner camp appears on screen:Kevin: ARGH! MATRIX RAVE ORGY! AAAARGH!
Bill: There, there, Kevin. We wouldn't make you watch that again.
Kevin: (sobbing) But the nightmares... They never stop!
- Any joke referencing Christian Bale's infamous tirade (which came from the shooting of this movie).
- "Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
- "Hurry—get out of Christian Bale's light!"
- (As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
- "(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
- "WHAT ARE YOU!?" "I don't know." "ALRIGHT, I WAS JUST CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL!"
- When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)
- When the old woman is giving the little girl something to eat;Mike (as old woman): What do you want, honey, Snickers? Slim Jim? Dunkaroos? You want Dunkaroos? Honey? You want Dunkaroos? (gets no response) WELL, TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU TRAUMATIZED LITTLE FREAK!
- After a man gets hit by a car and the driver proceeds to speed away;Mike: Bet that guy didn't invite his friends to the premiere.
- "Oh, hai prisoner transport! Haha..."
- "Okay, quick question... WHERE ARE THEY!?!?"
- Mike makes a joke regarding Christian Bale's tendency to... overact.John Connor: I thought I knew our enemy... but that thing... it makes me feel like I know nothing.
Mike (as John): I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME A BEEPING ANSWER!!!
- When John lights a flare while underground:Bill (as John): Now I can find that gas tank!
- When the Popeye robot is after Sam:Sam: He's gonna kill me!
(the robot pulls his pants down)
Bill: I think he has something else in mind..
- During the family "discussion" between Sam and his parents...Mom: It's fine if you don't want to call it that... you can call it.
Kevin: LaBeef Strokeitoff.
- When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...Kevin: Mr. Anderson...
Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...
Mike: ...MR. Anderson...
Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...
Kevin: ...MIS-TER Anderson...
- Doubly funny considering who's voicing Megatron in the movies...
- When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.
Mike: If we really put our minds to it, people could die here.
- The Decepticon roll call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.
- When Scorponok attacks the Special Ops survivors and they retreat to the nearby village to get a cell phone to be made to the Pentagon, and a bunch of locals come out with guns to assist the Special Ops team:Mike (as Qatar locals): How dare you interrupt Will & Grace?! This better be good!
- When Sam's car first transforms:Kevin: Ah, brings me back to when I was seven years old...in that I'm cranky, kind of hungry, and I'm close to tears.
- Similarly:Mike: Yep, this is just like my junior prom.
Kevin: Wow, hot girl in your lap?
Mike: No, I was at home playing with my Transformers.
Revenge of the Fallen
- The first thing out of Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:"God is a bunch of robots!"
- Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die."I'm free! I'm finally free!"
- Bill: General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
- On the appearance of the twins.Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.
Mudflap: That hurt, man.
Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.
Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.
- When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.
- During the opening:Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
Bill: Hey! Take that back or I'll kill you!
- Everybody Shea!
- "And now Patrick Star appears and unwraps a Krabby Patty of whoopass."
- Upon seeing the results of Sam's mother eating a pot brownieMike: So she took the kind of pot that A) works instantly and B) gets you drunk.
- The continuation of a military guy's narmy one-liner:Morshower: Ensign, how many?
Ensign: Not clear, sir.
Morshower: Well, get clear.
Mike (as Ensign): I've tried, but the system is unresponsive, sir.
Kevin (as Morshower): Well, get responsive.
Mike (as Ensign): Uh, yes sir, just give me a minute.
Kevin (as Morshower): Well, get a minute.
Mike (as Ensign): I-I don't know what that means, sir.
Kevin (as Morshower): Well, get know what that means.
Mike (as Ensign): I'm just gonna stop responding to you now.
Kevin (as Morshower): Well, get responding to me now.
Mike (as Ensign): Alright, LOOK SIR!
Kevin (as Morshower): (chuckles) I kid you, Sargeant.
- "ADULTS made this movie right?"
- "Adults, yes...and Michael Bay."
- During the fight in Egypt:Kevin: Mike, you'll tell me when I should start caring about anything that's happening, please?
Mike: Will do!
Kevin: Will that time ever come?
Mike: It will not.
Dark of the Moon
- "What the hell was that thing?"Mike: Six word review of this film.Optimus Prime: That...is Shockwave.(Optimus throws his sword away)Kevin (as someone offscreen): Oww!
- When Wang screams "Shut up!" to a co-worker:Kevin: Wow, Bill, that's like you, several times in every recording session.Bill: SHUT UP!!!
- "I don't think this is about the Decepticons looking for something on the moon."Mike:...grown man said in all seriousness.
- Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
- On Ken Jeong's bowtie-sporting character:Mike: If the Georges "Will" and "Takei" had a baby.
- On Starscream's death:Sam: Well, he's dead.
Kevin: That would be my eulogy if I was asked to speak at Michael Bay's funeral.
- This exchange:Shia Labeouf: WOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Bill: What's that Shia?
Shia Labeouf: WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Bill: Oh, I see!
Shia Labeouf: WWWWOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
Bill: The career of Shia Labeouf summed up in five seconds, everyone.
- This:Bumblebee: You... Will always be... My friend... Sam...
Kevin: I lied...
Bill: Actually I...
Bill: -LIKED YOU-
Kevin: -Go TO-
- Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to RiffTrax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin.
Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them.
Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.
Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?!
Bill: I dare!
Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!
Bill: No, shame on you!
Kevin: No, shame on-!
Mike: Okay, o-okay, okay.
- Just before the opening credits:Bella: And...this will be a good thing...
Mike: ...like Hot Topic!
Bella: ...I think.
Mike: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!
- "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
- In the cafeteria:
- "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
- "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
- "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
- "It's hard to look badass posing next to a Volvo."Edward: No one will believe you!
Mike: ...quoting directly from The Abusive Guy's Handbook there.
- Kevin's version of Edward's song to Bella.Kevin: This is a ballad that I wrote just for you...
♪I want to chomp into your throat
And watch you bleed out on the floor
Then I'll bathe myself in your life's essence as you die
Tear your heart out of your chest
And crack the bones and suck the marrow out
Slice into your brain for sandwiches
And maybe have an omelette made of...♪
Mike: Okay, thank you Kevin, very nice.
Kevin: I have more!
Bill: Well, sure you do, oh what a shame! The song's over!
- "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
- "It's fun being eternally damned!"
- When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:Edward: Say it...
Kevin (as Bella): Alright, you're a total homo!
Bill (as Edward): That's not what I meant!
Edward: Out loud...
Mike (as Bella): Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...
Bill (as Edward): No! You're not doing it right!
Mike (as Bella): A tool?
Bill (as Edward): NO!
Kevin (as Edward): Close; I'm a metropire!
Edward: Are you afraid?
Mike (as Edward): Seriously... I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous...
- Bella is visiting the Cullens.
- "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
- "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
- As Edward is showing off his mind-reading powers for Bella in the cafe by skimming the customers' thoughts:
- The scene where Edward sneaks into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
- Cafeteria scene:Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.
- After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... *THUNK* Ow! You hit me with a phone book!
- And just before the end:Kevin: Oh-oh, it's Twilight author Stephenie Meyer and she does not look happy.
Mike: Oh my god! She's got a sniper rifle!
- When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?
Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike.
Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!
- Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
- "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
- During the...well, rapidly changing scene:Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right?
Mike: No, that's the movie.
Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?
Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!
- Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
Mike (as Sheriff): ...We think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.
- Bill singing "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
- One scene with some odd camera angles prompts the riffers to claim first that the camera man is being chased by a badger, then that he passed out due to blood loss from the badger attack, and then that the badger has taken control of the camera.
Twilight: New Moon
- As the movie opens...Mike: And we're ba—
Bill: TEAM JACOB!
Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?!
- Bill's epic Cluster Bleep-Bomb in the opening sequence.Mike: What the hell? That's not a NEW moon, I've seen that dozens of times before! Jeez, son of a *bleep* BITCH, what the *bleep* kind of piece of *bleep* Teen Vampire bull*bleep* is this!??!
- Bella has a gift for Jacob:Bella: It's a little crazy...
Bill (as Bella): It's a statue of General Custer!
- This exchange:Alice: It's just a little...blood.
Mike (as Bella): Well it was a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery.
- (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
- During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
- As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.
- Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill himBill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now!
Mike and Kevin: (effeminate groaning and moaning)
- Early on...Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.
Mike, Bill, and Kevin: (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!
- When Jacob first removes his shirt:Kevin: Aaaaaannnd...
All three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!
Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!
Bill: (effeminate voice) Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.
- Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.
- Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
- The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:Bella: (to Jacob) I do love you.
Bill: (incredulous) Sh-she does!?
Mike: (through laughter) She's not a stable girl.
- Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
- Cliff-diving:I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
- And when Bella goes cliff-diving:Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.
- During the beach scene, when Jacob is trying to revive BellaBill: So, you're really suggesting another film is anywhere near as iconic and love-filled as this one?
Kevin: Well, yeah, I mean—
Bill: WELL YOU AND ALL YOUR PETS SHOULD DIE!!!
- Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face.
Kevin (as Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?
- "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
- Jasper flashbackingBella: How do you know so much about this?
Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew.
Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
Bill: I was born a poor black child.
- Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.Kevin (as Charlie): ...(takes a swig from his beer) Work your dark magic, booze.
- Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
- Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
- [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.
Charlie: Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!
Kevin: (laughs) Dad had a Chandler attack.
Bill: Could my daughter be anymore of a virgin?!
- The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
- "Theeere's a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
- To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!
- Who's the bad guy?Edward: It has to be the Volturi.
Bill: The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?
- Bella macks on Edward:Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!
- As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?
Kevin: I'm tired of all the Glee spoilers!
- Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
- And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
- A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:A vampire: Don't worry about it.
Bill: Oh hai, Twilight! I'm so glad you like saying "don't worry about it" too.
- Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.Bella: (to Edward) This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!
Bella It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.
Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?
- After Rosalie finishes telling her story about being gang-raped, changed, and then killing her ex-fiance, Royce;Bella: So where's Royce now?
- The jokes about how Kristen Stewart always mutters her lines, occasionally rendering them almost incomprehensible.
- "Opening my mouth to say lines is HARD!"
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1
- Before the riff was even released the trio did a RiffTrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
- Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
- "We here at RiffTrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
- Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
- Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
- "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
- Later on, with Bella having passed out on the bed, Edward pulls the covers over her:Kevin (as Edward): Cover up her lack of ass.
- On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
- As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
- Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
- "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now.""What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!"
- Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
- To elaborate, for the entire credits they do nothing but emit Frank'n'Furter esque groans while making suggestive comments about the names in the credits.
- "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
- This insight into Meyer's writing:
- "Go ahead, tell me what big teeth I have, everybody does!"
- During Bella's nightmare about her wedding day, where her human family and friends are all dead...(Bella raises her hand from her dress, and notices it's blood-stained)
Mike (as Bella): Oh, today of all days!
- As Bella is shaving her legs during one of the pointless montages: "Somewhere the most disturbed man in the universe is saying 'That's not the razor Bella would use'".
- When Bella calls Edward and tells him she thinks she might be pregnant:Bill (As Edward, thinking): Don't. Eat. Baby.
- During the wedding, as Bella walks down the aisleoutside, in broad daylight:Bill: Wait, shouldn't the groom and, like, half of the guests be sparkling right now?
Mike: So, now you're mad when the vampires don't sparkle!?
Bill: (frustrated) I don'tI don't know! I don't know what I want anymore!
- During the "Birthing scene" when the trio catch the first sight of Renesemee's bloody emergenceKevin: GAH!! CTHULHU!!!
- "Oh look honey, everyone's gone! Our unholy marriage must've caused the rapture!"
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2
- The guys simply cracking up at Aro's Squee! over Renesmee, and saying they can't possibly make it any funnier.
- When Aro reads Edward's mind:Kevin (as Aro): You like The Spin Doctors! You have all of their albums, HA-HA-HA!
- And again, when Aro has that doofy, far-way, half-stoned look on his face while doing his telepathy trick:Aro: ...Ahhh.
Kevin (again, as Aro): ...My lower back just cracked.
- While they're mind-reading Edward:Bill (as Renesmee looking up at Bella): Mommy, is that the guy you said bats for the other team?
- Earlier, as a trio of them emerge from the shadows:Kevin (as Aro): When we're done here, can we swing by the Hello Kitty Store?
Bill (as one of the others): Oh, yes!
(cue Frank 'n Furter Moans)
- And later the mass Frank 'n Furter Moan when the Volturi's army appears
- And earlier, when they learn of Renesmee's existence:Bill (as one of the Volturi when Irina walks into their chambers): Ick! A girl! What's a girl doing in "Gay Vampire Book Club"?!
- When Aro reads Edward's mind:
- The culmination of five films' worth of mustache jokes, when Charlie declares of Jacob's wolf form "It's like some kinda full body mustache!"
- The sheer contempt and disgust they feel towards "Pedowolf" Jacob and the endless pedophilia jokes they hurl in his direction whenever he is on screen.
- For example, when Edward is defending Renesmee's nature as a hybrid, with Jacob protecting her in the background by their car:Edward: She has blood in her veins! You can feel her warmth.
Mike: Not you, Jacob!
Bill (as Jacob): Aw, come on!
- And of course:Bella: YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCK NESS MONSTER!?!
Bill: It's the nickname that is the issue. Not the fact that a werewolf is perving on your newborn.
- Also:Bella: (to Renesmee) I'll never let anybody hurt you. (kisses Renesmee)
Kevin (as Bella): But I will let the guy who used to stalk me hang around and child-bride you if he wants.
- And:Bill (as Jacob): Must get to Alaska! Age of consent... only 16!
- For example, when Edward is defending Renesmee's nature as a hybrid, with Jacob protecting her in the background by their car:
- "Greetings, blood-rich human progenitor. I mean, hi dad."
- This little gem:Edward: It's painful, but it's bearable.
Mike: His review of their marriage so far.
- When CGI Renesmee first shows up:Bill: Jack-Jack from The Incredibles looked less digital than this thing!
- And later:Charlie: She has your eyes, Bella.
Mike: Its like someone photoshopped your eyes onto her face.
- And even later still, when Renesmee is a bit older:Charlie: Look at you, you've grown half a foot!
Mike: It's stickin' out of your neck, revolting!
- When Charlie first sees Renesmee. "My god, she's-she's animated."
- And later:
- When the wolves sense incoming vampires:Jacob: Whoever's coming wasn't invited.
Kevin: His special psychic super-power is "e-vite response awareness."
- As the credits roll:Bill: We will see you back at RiffTrax.com for Fifty Shades of Grey!
Kevin: OH GOD NO!!! NOOO!!!
- Bella and Jacob talking in the car:Bella: 27 vampires...
Mike: ...one cup.
- Every time Emmet opens his mouth, it's always followed by one of the Riffers snapping at him. For example:Emmet: (just as Jacob's about to explain "imprinting") This should be good.
Bill: Damn it Emmet, who gave you a line?!
- And later on:Emmet: Done already?
Bill: Damn it Emmet, stop saying the lines!
- And even later, when they're discussing Renesmee:Emmet: We're not even sure she is a newb-
Bill: Damn it, who gave Emmet another line?!
- And later on:
- After Bella and Edward are "intimate" for the first time after her transformation:Bella: (to Edward) You really were holding back before.
Mike: With the post-coital sobbing, that is.
- At the end of the "fight":Kevin (as Edward): ...Did we mention she's named "Renesmee"?
Bill (as a Volturi): THE CHILD MUST DIE!
- At the beginning when Bella and Edward are once again issuing mumbly declarations of love and Kevin's frustration at how repetitive this isBella: I love you...
Edward: I love you...
Kevin: Oh, they love each other?! Well, that hadn't been made clear to me over the course of the eight hours of film leading up to this (speaking in an increasingly enraged and frustrated tone) which consisted entirely of these two... IDIOTS!!! SITTING IN A FIELD OF BUTTERCUPS!!! MUMBLING ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!!!!
- Their irritation with Garrett never shutting up about how he was in the American Revolution, until finally they just have him say apropos of nothing, "Crispus Attucks, my dear. Crispus Attucks."
- When the Volturi kill Carlisle and the other characters charge forward in rage;Kevin (as Edward): My fake daaaaad!
Mike and Bill (as everyone else): That guy's fake daaaaad!
- During the opening scene:Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie?
Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it...
- On Wolverine's facial hair:Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all."
Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look.
- "Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
- "Cerebro?" "Magneto?" "Yes, Cerebro." "Why, thank you, Magneto!" "Hello, Cerebro." "Yes, Magneto." "Well, Magneto, I guess." "Cerebro."
- On Cerebro (their favorite thing in the whole movie):Bill: Such a subtle name.
Mike: Yeah, he nearly called it "Brains A-Poppin'."
- A nice Take That! at a certain other movie in the series:Charles: This is a school for gifted mutants.
Wolverine: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Mike: Then you've never seen X-Men 3.
- This hilarious bitMagneto: Because there is no land of tolerance. There is no peace. Not here or anywhere else. Women and children, whole families destroyed. Simply because they were born different from those in power.
Mike: Fine, you can marry your boyfriend.
- When Senator Kelly starts squeezing his mutated head through the bars:Mike: Well, mutant or not, that's just remarkably stupid!
- Magneto: (to Xavier) YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!!
Bill: Well now it sounds like Christmas at the Corbett home.
- Bobby sees his parents watch him leave:Bobby's Dad: Good luck being gay, son.Bobby's Mom: You mean being a mutant, dear.Bobby's Dad: Whatever.
- Becomes Hilarious in Hindsight now that Bobby Drake has come out as gay in the comics.
X-Men: The Last Stand
- When Beast returns to the X-Mansion...
- ""Oh hi, Alcatraz. Hope Chris R does not escape. Hahaha..."
- "Oh, hai, army of mutants!"
- Every single time they mimic Ian McKellen's voice. Campiness ensues.
- This line involving Ellen Page's character
- Magneto trying to make an "I Will Survive" music video.
- After Bobby beats PyroBobby: You never should have left [the school]!
Kevin: Nobody fed your fish and it died!
- Wolverine, Beast, and Storm spot the cure:Kevin!Wolverine: Hi-C Ecto-Cooler! They discontinued that a decade ago!Mike!Storm: Eh, I'm more of an Orange Lavaburst kinda gal.