Funny / Rifftrax Feature Films Video On Demand

Video On Demand Riffs

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1990: The Bronx Warriors

Film/1990TheBronxWarriors

• Trash and his gang, the "Riders", make their entrance on Cool Bikes with skull headlights:
  Bill: Dozens of cults worshipping Johnny Blaze sprang up post-apocalypse.
  Mike: Let's meet the boys: Buff Hayden Christensen (Trash), Nazi MacGyver, creepy guy from your gym, and Jimmy Stick-Haver.
• "It's fun not knowing or caring who these people are!"
• The Fashion-Victim Villain Gang of Hats wearing white Stahlhelm helmets and padded Shoulders of Doom while skating everywhere are a fountain of laughs. Even their gang's name, the "Zombies", says... the Hell?!?
  Kevin: Are we not men? We are... (abashed) sort of ripping off Devo.
  Bill: Even the Baseball Furies had too much dignity for this fight.
  • The laughs continue when the Zombies kidnap heroine Anne and take her back to their leader, Golan, and their home base, a.k.a. "Khal Drogo's Hockey Dojo (now in the Valley Glen strip mall)".
    Bill: (as Golan) Dignity! Does not exist! In this dojo! Self-respect! Does not exist! In this dojo!
    Mike: (as camera pans to Anne, held captive) Fine, I'll play goalie!

Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

• The intro consists of Abraxas getting "conditioned" by his superiors. Bill hopes the entire movie is nothing but Jesse Ventura saying a sarcastic quip and then getting tortured.
• Noting that if you live in Minnesota, Jesse Ventura will jump on your windshield at some point.
• Jim Belushi's cameo as a principal:
  "Do you like buddy cop movies?"
• Secundus's out-of-character smile when he says "Have a nice day!" prompts this:
  "We will if you promise never to do that again."

Aladdin (1990)

Aladdin (1990)

• When a shooting star zooms in towards the camera to reveal Aladdin's face inside it.
  Mike: It's Halley's Dork!
• The guys get a lot of mileage out of the fact that nearly all the Chinese characters are played by white actors.
  Princess Mei Ling: My name is Mei Ling.
  Bill: It's Chinese for "whitewashing."
  • At one point, Kevin refers the actor playing the Emperor as Mickey Rooney.
• "I'll show you a whole new world of hurt!"
• While the film is set in China like the original tale, it still feels comically out of place.
  Bill: I thought we had a sultan. Where are we?
• They also get repeatedly bored...
  Mei Ling: Now I am sad.
  Bill: I just found out there are 52 minutes left in this thing.
• The flimsy effects of Aladdin's palace being magically assembled.
  Mike: Graphics by a Sega Saturn some kid dropped down a well.

Alien Outlaw

• During the opening credits, after the alien ship crashes in the backwoods in the Cold Open:
  Kevin: Yeah, yeah, we've seen their special effects already, and we request that the Flying Foto Factory take a big flying--
  Mike: All right, all right!
• The blatant Male Gaze throughout the movie does not go unremarked-on.
  Wes' girlfriend: (wearing a tied-off red shirt and not much else) Wes, do you hafta leave tonight?
  Mike: "Cant' ya finish makin' mah pants?"
  Wes: [...] Go check the trailer and make sure the door's closed tight.
  Bill: "I'd do it, but you're dressed for it."
  (later)
  Mike: Fifty percent of the script just says "Creep ogles nymphette."
  (later)
  Lash Larue^note His character has a name, but come on: You boys were lookin' at the girl, weren't ya?
  Mike: "Ya weren't lookin' at the plants, were ya? Ya ain't a couple of tobaccosexuals, are ya?"
  (later)
  Jesse: (to Wes' girlfriend) You can put your hands down now.
  Bill: And keep your points up firm and high.
• While Jesse, Frank, and a phone operator are all talking over each other, the riffers all talk at the same time to "clarify" the conversation. Bill ends up being the last one talking.
• "I learned all of my lines, and now I am 'acting' them!"
• After Jesse reaches Wes' cabin, disarms (who she thinks is) Wes, and chews him out about Reckless Gun Usage:
  Jesse: All right—whoever is in there, I'm giving you five seconds to come out, and then I'm gonna blow you straight to hell! Thousand-one, thousand-two...
  Mike: Officially the highest anyone in this town has ever counted.
• Jesse finally learns that Wes was killed:
  Deputy: Over there in the front seat—but I don't think you wanna look in there!
  Mike: "His death poop set a county record."
• After escaping one of the aliens, Jesse strings noisemakers around her house to alert her if anyone comes in.
  Kevin: There, that ought to keep Lash out of here. (Lash walks up) Dammit!

The Apple

The Apple

• During one of Bibi's songs.
  Mike: (singing) ♪ What's the name of that movie, where the sequel had a cruise ship? It was awful, really awful. ♪
  Bibi: ♪Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd!!!♪
  Mike: Oh, right, right. Yeah. Strange that I would forget that.
  • From later in the same song (an overextended...something involving America and drugs):
    Bill: (singing) ♪ So snort the Constitution! Inject Mount Rushmore into your sac! Freebase freedom off Francis Scott Keeeeeeey! ♪
• Late in the movie, we are treated to a first person shot of a hairy bum.
  Mike: I just spit-washed your face, give me a quarter!
• During yet another song:
  Boogalow: ♪ Life is nothing but show business, the world a cabaret! ♪
  Bill: Oh man, I am sending Joel Grey over there with a katana!

Arachnia

Arachnia

• The end of one scene has an Iris Out; Kevin cracks: "Abadeabadeabade, this sucks, folks."

Astro-Zombies

• During a drawn-out scene where John Carradine's character is working on something with little to no dialogue, Bill and Mike act out a few sketches where the senile Carradine (who was 62 years old around the time of filming) doesn't seem to get the fact that he's in a movie.
  Bill: (As Carradine) Is this my new hat?
  Mike: (As the Director) Mr. Carradine, please try to focus!
  Bill: (As Carradine) The craft services lady yelled at me!
  Mike: (As the Director) THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LICKED HER EAR!
  Bill: (As Carradine) I was in Grapes of Wrath!

Ator the Fighting Eagle

Ator, the Fighting Eagle

• It's established early on that Ator is in love with his adopted sister, who he thinks is his blood relative. The horrified riffers proceed to chastise him about it for the rest of the film.
  Mike: Aw, young love. So sweet and innocent.
  Bill: Yeah...
  Ator: Why can't we marry?
  Sunya: Ator, we are brother and sister.
  Kevin, Bill and Mike: (loud groans of utter shock and disgust)
  Bill: Ator, you sick, naughty fighting eagle, you!
  • "Well, they're dumb, inbred creatures. Ah, speaking of that..."
  • Ator broaches the subject with his foster father.
    Kevin: "You've come a long way from the boy I caught with copies of Sister-Tickler Quarterly."
    Ator: Er... Father...
    Bill: "Are you familiar with the works of V.C. Andrews?"
  • According to Kevin, Ator's reaction to learning Sunya isn't his actual sister: "What? But that's not hot!"
  • When Ator's foster father explains that Ator and Sunya aren't biologically related, he says that in spite of the fact that "they both sucked the same milk from the same breast", which only serves to disgust Bill even more.
    Bill: Wh-HOW IS THIS HELPING?! TH-THIS IS NOT HELPING!
  • After Roon saves Ator, Kevin says that Ator is now hoping that he's related to her.
  • "Could you put on a shirt that says, 'I'm related to you'?"
  • When the dancers at the wedding finish their performance by striking a pose, Mike just shouts "incest!"
• After the title comes up:
  Kevin: Oh, boy! This must be the prequel to Angry Birds!
  Mike: Yeah, back when they were just called "Birds." Then they found out some people prefer Peanut Butter Crunch to original Cap'n Crunch.
  Kevin: What's wrong with that?
  Mike: THOSE PEOPLE ARE MORONS! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!
• During the exposition narration:
  Narrator: A man will come to promise a different way, and he shall be named—
  Bill: Ator!
  Narrator: —Torin.
  Bill: What?! Oh, Torin?! What the hell?! I'm already so confused.
• "I brought a rake."
• Griba uses a name found in another, more beloved property.
  Griba: Now, you must go to the Volcano of Shadows and take possession of the Shield of Mordor.
  Kevin (as Griba): Uh, a Mordor so different than other Mordors, there's no reason for any estates to sue us. [nervous laughter]
  Griba: Then you will fulfill your destiny in the Temple of the Spider.
  Mike (as Griba): But careful because this female spider is known to throw items. Yes, she lobs things at you. Beware of the she lobs.

Attack From Space

• When it's revealed that our hero is named Starman:
  Kevin: And he's waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds.
  Mike: Ah, Prince lyrics, huh?
  Kevin: You just guessed "guy who died this year," didn't you, Mike?
  Mike: Did I get it right?
  Kevin: No!
• "A list of things I can jam up my— HEY!"
• The lengthy and oddly detailed Opening Narration gets attention:
  Narrator: Starman realizes the ship contains enough radioactive material to destroy Earth within a few seconds. He knows that even though he may be killed, he must attack the ship.
  Bill (as narrator): How do I know this, you ask? Uh, I'm in a bowling league with Starman. He told me over a couple of beers. At least he claimed to be Starman. Lent him some money, haven't seen him since, but I'm pretty sure it was him despite the huge weight, height and age differences in their looks. So...probably shouldn't have given him my credit card... Anyway, that's how I know.
• The spandex costume is not flattering for Starman's actor.
  Mike: He just gets lumpier in every scene!
• The brainwashed professor flicks a switch, and a missile fires at our hero.
  Kevin: (as narrator) And so the rocket is launched, much to the dismay of Starman!

The professor flicks the switch again, and the same footage of the missile launching plays.

Kevin: (as narrator) And so the rocket is launched, much to the dismay of Starman!

The professor then flicks the switch three more times, and the stock footage of the missile then plays three times in a row.

Kevin: (as narrator) And so the rocket is launched, much to the dismay of Starman! And so the rocket is launched, much to the dismay of Starman! And so the rocket is launched, much to the dismay of Starman!

Attack of the Super Monsters

Attack of the Super Monsters, a.k.a. Dinosaur Great War Izenborg

• The Police Officer's reaction to the mutant red attacking dogs.
  Police Officer: All the dogs in the sector have turned into red monsters.
  Bill: (As Police Officer) What?! No, they didn’t TURN communist. Look, put your boss on.
• The introduction of our main characters:
  Narrator: Captain Jim Starbuck.
  Kevin: Inventor of coffee.
  Narrator: Lieutenant Gem Starbuck.
  Mike: Also inventor of coffee.
  Narrator: Lieutenant Jerry Fordham.
  (Jerry falls over)
  Kevin: Man with no motor skills.
  Narrator: And science officer, Lieutenant Wallace Singer.
  Bill: Of whom it’s been said what the (beep) is that?!
• Emperor Tyrannus.
  Bill: Oh, he's fun! I'm rooting for the dinosaur!
  Mike: (tired) Oh, I think we're all rooting for the dinosaur.
  (later)
  Tyrannus: Gemini!
  Kevin: The championship belt will be mine, Gemini!
• The first "Super Monster", another T. Rexpy, roars, then stumbles in confusion.
  Mike: Wait, what was I doin'... (The monster starts gesticulating) Oh, right, havin' a blast! Yeah!
• Bill's reaction to the ship ejecting water in an unfortunate looking way:
  Bill: Gemini! PISS!
  Kevin: Whoa.
  Bill: What? It’s just an acronym. Pyro icing steady steam.
  Mike: Oh.
  Bill: ...Also. Looks like he’s pissing.
  Mike: Would you?
• The film's unwieldy combination of cheap 2-D animation (the only place where human characters are shown), live-action model shots and guys in dinosaur suits stomping through model cityscapes drew plenty of comment.
  Gem: Sensors on full and scanning, Jim.
  Bill: (as Gem) Sensors indicate we are 2-D lifeforms inside a 3-D vehicle, Jim.
• A Take That! aimed at a certain large online retailer:
  Gem: The monsters say they won't kill us if we'll be their slaves!
  Mike: The deal Amazon makes with every new employee.
• A similar one later on:
  Dinosaur: YOU AND YOUR STUPID HUMAN TOYS!!!
  Mike: My review of Welcome to Marwen.

Baby Ghost

• The scene with Winslow and Elliot the elevator repairman. So many highlights. Right off the bat, the sound quality is (as always) terrible:
  Kevin: They could be admitting to killing Kennedy, for all we can hear.
  Winslow: Elliot, I think you better have a look at this elevator.
  Bill: "And do it in real time, I don't respect the audience."
  • When Elliot looks at the elevator, Winslow glances at the magazine Elliot was reading:
  Mike: Ah, it's the latest issue of "Magazine not visible due to poor lighting."
• Bill remarking that the chemistry between Winslow and Elliot is like if Abbott & Costello had their own Joe Estevezes.
• A kid popping his gum all over his face.
  Kevin: Gah! Somehow the worst image ever seen in a Rifftrax. And that is saying something!
• "Why does this lame office have a murder basement?"
• "Now get the hell out of my hallway office."
• Bill, after another hard-to-hear line: "Sorry, hard to hear you over Keyboard Demo Track #3."
• As Elliot eats his lunch, Bill quips, "You got a better way to make poop, I'm all ears."
• "Stop petting each other!"

The Bermuda Triangle

• The running gag of the riffers excoriating the movie, only to turn on a dime and praise it effusively whenever Gloria Guida's character shows up in a bikini.
• John Huston gets treated relatively gently, except for the fact that we're expected to believe he's Diana's father.^note For comparison, he had played Faye Dunaway's father in Chinatown four years earlier. Presumably a lot of bills had piled up in the intervening time.
  Kevin: (huskily) And run along, my beloved daughter, before I turn eighty.
• The guys crack a few jokes about Peter's alcoholism... then call out the movie for doing the same.
  Sybil: Peter, please. You promised to stop.
  Bill: I know, but it turns out booze is really delicious.
  Sybil: Why torment yourself? You know you were brilliant.
  Mike: Those Gong Show judges were biased!
• Simon the cook... where do we begin with Simon the cook?
  Simon: (pratfalls around the galley, knocking over trays)
  Kevin: Can't believe Sidney Poitier turned down this role.
  (later)
  Peter: Why don't you go down [scuba diving]?
  Simon: Who, me? No way, I's stayin' in the galley.
  Bill: Weird that this thing won twelve NAACP Image Awards.
  (later)
  Diana: (after locking Simon in the freezer) I don't know why you got so scared. You won't die frozen. You'll die in a different way.
  Bill: "In a hot tub, with a Swedish bikini team, at the age of 97. Sorry, my voice makes everything sound creepy."
  Simon: That child is a devil!
  Mike: "Ah wish mah ol' friend Huck was here to help!"
• Over the scuba-diving scenes:
  Mike: Release the Kraken!
  Kevin: You don't have to say that every time you rip one.
  Mike: But it's an old sailors' superstition!
  Kevin: No, it isn'-
  Mike: Release the Kraken!
  Kevin and Bill: (groan with revulsion)

Blood Theatre

• The Running Gag of how unnatural the characters act.
• Them being utterly baffled, and frankly so is the audience, that every time the characters enter or leave a room, this very unnatural noise that is supposed to be the sound of the doors closing happens. This is later topped when after hearing that bizarre sound effect throughout the film, there is in fact a scene where a normal door closing sound is heard, making even less sense. Clearly, the editor or director had access to the normal door closing stock sound, so why did he use the bizarre one for 90% of the movie?
• Two characters are wearing plaid shirts in the same scene. One tries to wake up the other, leading to this riff: "Are you me?"
• The theatre owner is accosted by thugs, but strangely there's no dialogue or even grunting:
  Kevin: (chuckles) This is the world's quietest mugging!
  Bill: Very, very zen.
  Kevin: Peaceful.
• The aforementioned plaid guys enter a room with one of the female characters and sit on the couch, then it abruptly cuts to another scene.
  Mike: Good scene, thanks.
• The ending, which is so abrupt and confusing:
  Kevin: And freeze frame on two cops we've never seen. Perfect!
  Mike: (as the end credits roll) Well, that was something...

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

• Tod's father is played by Robert Reed, so the guys get a few Mr. Brady jokes in during the first act.
  Bill: Do not make Mr. Brady mad, or he spontaneously produces more sons.
• When Tod's parents bring him back to their house for the first time, they use finishing the setup of his protected environment as an excuse to celebrate in their bedroom with champagne. Mike naturally questions this decision.
  Mike: They're using setting up their disabled son's equipment as an occasion for a booty call?
  Kevin: Hey, it's the sexy seventies.
  Mike: So was stagflation.
  Kevin: Oh yeah, sexy stagflation.
• Because Tod is played by John Travolta, the guys make a Running Gag about Travolta's belief in Scientology.
  Mike: (as the director after Tod makes a joke about coming from an alien planet) John, stop talking about your religion and get back to the script.
• During his first day monitoring school through a TV monitor (sort of like a modern day Zoom call), Tod gets a lot of laughs out of the class by simply putting on a pair of Groucho Marx glasses and a tam o' shanter hat, which the guys mock by overexaggerating how funny everyone thought it was.
  Bill: He's just like them: An idiot with no hope or direction in life.
• After learning Gina only asked him out on a dare, Tod begs his parents to take him to the hospital, where he's taken to a room in a ward specifically designed for those with defective immune systems. Before anyone can ask why Tod's going there in the first place when he isn't even sick (just upset), the guys are disgusted by Roy, Tod's temporary roommate with a similar condition as his, who REALLY wants to have sex with girls as soon as he gets discharged.
  Rod: You know, the first thing I'm gonna do when I get out of here is get me— get myself a hooker!
  Kevin: Whoa, Roy!
  Bill: He tells this to everyone he's known for more than five minutes.
  Roy: Germs? I want the germs!
  Mike: (as Roy) E. coli really revs my engines!
  Roy: I wanna be dirty, really dirty, you know? I wanna grow my hair real long, and have a beard, and a mustache, AND I WANNA MAKE IT WITH EVERYTHING THAT WALKS!
  Kevin: So Grizzly Adams is his idea of a guy who gets a lot of tail.
  Tod: Roy.
  Roy: Yeah?
  Bill : (as Tod) You're *bleep* disgusting.
  • Because there's never an explanation for why Tod went back home, Bill comes up with one: Roy discovered studded leather.
• "Sorry, I was just thinking of a joke. The sick one God played on me, I mean."
• After Tod gets his protective suit (which in case you're wondering, looks like this◊), Kevin jokingly calls the film Boy in the Giant Oven Mitt.
• After a brief argument with Gina, Bill suggests something Tod can do to cope with it: Master... some chess strategies.
• During a scene where Tod is running down the beach with Gina while flying a kite and wearing his protective suit.
  Mike: Stunningly, this was not the last scene of John Travolta's career.
• "Hey, Tod, great news! I misdiagnosed you all those years ago! You could have gone outside this whole time!"
• At the end of the film, Tod decides to leave the house with no protection (the fact that his now discarded protective suit probably cost a lot of money doesn't go unnoticed by the guys) so he can kiss Gina and ride off on her horse:
  Mike : (as Gina) Oh, probably not a big deal, but I'm just getting over the flu. God, I was puking all week, and... Tod?

The Brain From Planet Arous

The Brain from Planet Arous

• A location called Mystery Mountain plays a role in the film.
  Bill: Mystery Mountain: home of Scooby-Doo's doomsday cult.
• The riffers are disturbed by the size of the underarm sweat stains on the shirt of John Agar's character as he explores a cave inside Mystery Mountain.
  Mike: Jeez, a couple more minutes and those pit stains are gonna spread to his socks. [cuts to scene where Agar is wearing a fresh shirt] And they're gone.
• Unsurprisingly, there are lots of brain-related puns.
  Bill (as the brain attacks Steve and Dan): Ahhh, frontal lobe too powerful ... medulla too oblongata ...

Buffalo Rider

Buffalo Rider

• Throughout, the riffers have a Running Gag of changing the theme song's chorus, which always ends with the character's name, Buffalo Jones. Mike delivers one version ending with "Rashida Jones", but Kevin, as always, pulls off an Overly Long Gag leading up to the phrase Mark Ruffalo's phone. As expected, Bill and Mike are ready to kill him for this.
• The mock conversations between the film's narrator (actually the grandson of the baby Buffalo Jones rescues during the story) and the "backup narrator" who read excerpts of letters early in the film.
• The riffers also repeatedly point out how stupid and impractical riding a buffalo would actually be:
  Buffalo Jones: Yeehaw!
  Bill: "Yeehaw!" is actually Cherokee for "Oh, dear God! I've made a horrible, costly mistake!"
• When the protagonist is having some trouble saddlebreaking the buffalo, but refuses to give up:
  Bill: Because NOT saddling up a buffalo is simply not an option.
• The film gets padded with several comic relief scenes of the adventures of "Bandit" the racoon. And by "adventures", the film means constant brushes with danger, starting with a fight with a cougar, and then getting washed away on an ice floe during a flash flood.
  Narrator: Logs, branches, and huge pieces of ice came crashing downstream.
  Mike, Kevin, Bill: Adventure!
  Narrator: There went Bandit, sailing by on a chunk of ice.
  Bill: [Jovially as the narrator] Yep, he's out there somewhere, kids! [sotto voce] Pull out further so you can't see the corpse.
  Narrator: [as the film crossfades to Bandit on the riverside] He scampered from one piece of ice to the other and finally made it to shore.
  Mike: Shown here, Bandit Number 17.
  • Kevin gets to sing another reprise of the film's theme dedicated to Bandit: "There is a raccoon, true star of this film! It's like Jason Voorhees, it cannot be killed!''
  • A callback when one of the evil buffalo hunters in the film takes a shot at a herd of buffalo offscreen:
    [Gunshot]
    Kevin: [as hunter] Yeehaw! Got me a raccoon!
    Bill:' [as narrator] Bandit's 'adventures' continue!

Charade

Charade

• During Charles Lampert's funeral, at the point Scobee, played by George Kennedy rudely stomps in. When he does, Bridget has this gem:
  Bridget (as Scobee): I am going to mourn 'the hell over him!
• Scobie gives Regina a warning over the phone:
  Scobie: Don't trust him. Don't tell him anything. He's after the money.
  Bridget: I mean seriously, what else do you think he was after with a miserable old bag like you?

City of the Dead

City of the Dead

Ann: [commenting on a ghost town] It's like an old picture out of a history book.
Bill: Or a newer picture of Detroit!

Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown

• Everyone considers the ending to the preceding short, in which the protagonist tree dies a happy ending due to the Unintentional Uncanny Valley of the tree costume.
• Mere moments after Whizzo first walks onscreen and does some schtick, a sense of dread occurs.
  Mike: Um, guys?
  Kevin and Bill: Yeah?
  Mike: What have we done?
  Bill: [sobbing] I don't know, Mike. I don't know.
• After about five minutes of Whizzo’s act, Kevin asks who’s in favour of killing him. The other two immediately agree.
  Mike: Oh, yeah. I’d serve the time.
• When Whizzo accidentally comes from behind the Magic Curtain wearing a kilt.
  Mike: Just giving the Whizzo fan art community what they've been demanding.
• Whizzo's brief remark about the "kids who live down the street" has Kevin impulsively shouting "RUN, KIDS!!!" at the top of his lungs.
• The constant jokes about Whizzo being a vagrant who lives in the tent, which he is on the verge of eviction from.
• When Whizzo pulls Santa aside to ask for a favor:
  Bill: (as Santa) No, no more murders, Whizzo!
• When Whizzo talks about giving presents to "the dog, the cat and his friend."
  Mike: The dog, the cat and his friend are all stored in the same freezer.
• One kid has a persistent cough. This does not go unnoticed by the riffers.
  Bill: (as the girl) The rattling is in both my lungs now!
• "WHIZZO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT."
• Whizzo saying "Well, I've got that to worry about now" more than once prompts a horrified realization.
  Bill: Great Frosty's ghost! It's a catchphrase!
  • A later use of it prompts this:
    Kevin: The catchphrase really caught on after the film Whizzo Finds a Lump.
• When Whizzo contacts Santa via radio.

  Kevin: "Santa sees the caller ID and turns pale."

• Towards the end of the film, Whizzo walks out of the frame and Mike jokes that a loud bang was heard followed by a thump seconds later. Kevin laughs like he really shouldn't be laughing at all.
• The guys noting that one of the children in the second half clearly has a cold or is ill, since they keep loudly coughing during the film. They genuinely start to get worried the more the kid coughs, which is pretty often.
• At the very end, when Whizzo goes to sleep:
  Mike: There we go, Whizzo, let the gas leak gently finish the job, you're almost free...

Cool as Ice

Cool as Ice

• When the title pops up:
  Bill: Screw you, Affirmative Action!
• Kevin is surprised to hear that they're doing a movie made in the very early 1990s, with a title that references cold, starring an annoying-as-hell white guy with a really stupid haircut whose career died immediately after it came out, and it's not Brian Bosworth vehicle Stone Cold.
• Regarding Ice's dance moves during the opening credits:
  Kevin: Alright, this move is called "the Electrocuted Daffy Duck"; this is "Who Turned the Treadmill Up This Fast?"; and that's "Sir, Could You Please Leave Our Wedding? The Bride is Sobbing."
• At one point, one of the mobsters staking out the female lead's family's house throws up a little while talking to Ice, and it honestly looks like the guy really threw up and they used the take anyway. It's funny without riffing but the incredulity of the riffers adds to the hilarity.
  Kevin: (after a few seconds of Mike, Bill and himself scoffing) He's puking what we're all thinking!
• Repeated mention is made of the fact that the director of photography, Janusz Kaminski, is better known for most of Steven Spielberg's films, including Schindler's List.
• The Running Gag of Ice being confused with other white rappers of the same period, especially Snow.
  Kevin (as Monique): I love your song "Informer"!
  Bill (as Ice): Dammit!
  Kevin (as Monique): Call me when we can "licky boom boom down."
  Bill (as Ice): I'm not Snow, dammit!
• "Hide your Queen samples!"
• This nice little Take That!:
  Ice: It was, uh, very pleasant meeting you...m'am.
  Mike (as Mrs. Winslow): Yeah, you're real shocking, I'm gonna go sing along with Straight Outta Compton while I vacuum, even the n-words, 'kay?
• As Kathy stares pensively, clearly thinking about Vanilla Ice:
  Bill (as Kathy): "Give me my Vanilla; and, when he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night, And pay no worship to the wiggity-whack sun."
• Across town, Ice looks equally pensive:
  Kevin (as Ice): Do egg rolls have actual eggs in them?
• During the end credits, Disembaudio starts rapping along with Ice, using the same vocals.
• This bit:
  Ice: Chillin' with Kat.
  Bill: That's what Jon Arbuckle tweets every night.
• Another bit:
  Ice: Yep yep, she likes me.
  Kevin: Yep Yep T-shirts now available in stores, kids!... This just in: All pallets of unsold shirts have been shipped to Africa... and burned.
• During the opening rap number:
  Ice: I'm not Sleepy, Dopey or grumpy!
  Mike (as Ice): But I refuse to address rumors that I may be one of the other four dwarves!
• During the ending rap number, there's a verse about Ice dissing a girl behind her back because "you know there's more where that came from".
  Bill (as Ice): That's right! Girls are cheap, and I spend them like pocket change! And I will— *the camera cuts to a shot of Kathy* Oh hi, honey! Hope you're enjoying the show! Love you.
• "Alright, there's like two minutes left. When is he gonna reveal the secret of the ooze?"

Crater Lake Monster

The Crater Lake Monster

• "Cows: Man's 'f**k you' to natural selection."
• "He looks like someone who's considered duct taping an M80 to a live raccoon. Maybe not followed through, but considered."
• The first time the sheriff answers the phone, the muffled audio is Kevin carrying on about finding his wife murdered.
• The sweet and sorrowful ode to Arnie at the end.
  • "Don't worry, he comes back later as Arnie the White."
• Mike making fun of a character's clearly fake Britishness.
• This exchange:
  Mike: Guess when I threw that coin in the wishing well this morning, I shouldn't have said "I wish to see a pointless, mind-numbingly long scene of two dumbasses trying to work a motorboat".
  Kevin: Why'd you do that, Mike?
  Mike: I don't know, it seemed funny at the time. I didn't know we'd actually be watching a movie with two dumbasses trying to make a motorboat work.
  Bill: Yeah...
• Seeing a scorecard in the Sheriff's office labeled "Flies 2; Me 50"
  Bill: Wait, did the flies kill the previous two sheriffs?!

Curse of Bigfoot

• The website (accurately) compared this film to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, in that it was cheap film with a clumsily added on Framing Device, with tons of Padding and No Ending.
• On seeing the credits:
  Kevin: Ah, Marker Felt font. You're like Comic Sans, only older, fatter and balder.
• When a 70's, shaggy-haired, small-mustachioed, clueless logger comes on camera:
  Kevin: Well, this guy can't look nearly as backwards as— (logger turns around) YAGH!!!
  Bill: He looks like a police sketch of himself.
  • Kevin and Bill then begin a Running Gag over the two loggers, making it sound as if they have fangirl camps much like Edward and Jacob.
    Kevin: (as Larry's seen from behind) Hmmm, seeing this side of Larry, maybe I'm switching to Team Larry.
    Bill: MmmmmmmmMMMmm-hm!
• The Nick Nolte Running Gag will have you in tears:
  Mike: (gravelly) Psst. It's me, your old pal, Nick Nolte. Look, I passed out down here last week. No time for details, but basically, I fell in while fighting a stray dog for half a bag what I thought was Franzia. Anyway, I guess I got to hacking up lung butter while I was snoozin', formed this hard coat all over me and now I'm stuck. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
• Mike: (gravelly) Can you peckerheads hurry it up? I'm startin' to fade in here. Ah, the hell with it. Time to settle on into a vegetative state til something warm comes close for me to leap up and suck some life essence. It's a little trick I learned from my good friends ticks and bedbugs. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
• Kevin: (shocked) WHOA! It WAS Nolte under there!
  Mike: (gravelly) Tried to tell you boys. Now, somebody hose me off and get me some of that "Chicken In a Biscuit" crackers. I got a hankerin' you wouldn't believe. It's daytime now - I'M MAKIN' THE RULES!^note  During the film, the blatant Hollywood Darkness had been a running gag, with Kevin exclaiming at one point, "STOP LIVING A LIE!"
• Towards the end, the movie doggedly insists that a scene is set at nighttime despite it clearly being a very sunny day.
  Mike: The moon is searing my retinas and offering two scoops of raisins!
  • Then when one teen comments it's hard to see in the dark.
    Kevin: (enraged) STOP LIVING THIS LIE!
• When the unfortunate Norman tries unsuccessfully to convince the others that he saw the mummy move:
  Bill: Come on, guys, it's flipping me off! Oh, now it's writing 'Norman sucks' in the dirt; will you just look?
• Bill nearly being driven mad by the padding:
  Bill: (progressively more agitated) Yes, folks - guys slowly scaling rocks at a modest incline, a tedious activity you witnessed for an extended period of time not one minute ago resumes in all it's glory, buuuUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuut in the opposite direction... DEAR GOD WHO DIRECTED THIS MOVIE?! A STOOL SAMPLE FROM A GOLDEN RETRIEVER?!!
• As one of the students descends into the cave:
  Mike: Hey guys, which are stalagmites and which are stalactites and my God, a bat is trying to mate with my head!
• A couple times, Bill loudly shouts the title when explicitly non-Bigfoot things are happening.
• "Ah, this is where the kids find out that archaeology is not thrilling and exciting like an Indiana Jones movie, but tedious and dull like a particular Indiana Jones movie."
• "And then, class, the music swelled dramatically, even though nothing was happening. Andy, you're a clod."

Cyber Tracker

• Over the opening scene, set at a skeevy dystopian bar:
  Holographic barker: We got everything you want—beer, whiskey, crack, heroin, it's all here!
  Kevin: Hmm, no Stella, no Fireball? Sounds like my kinda place!
• A group of protestors are upset with the idea of automated law enforcement.
  Mike: They're disappointed that it's much crappier than the system in Minority Report.
• The riffers' relentless mockery of how Every Car Is a Pinto in this movie. Also, the running gag of its lead, kickboxer Don Wilson, being credited as "Don 'The Dragon.'" (The two patterns intersect sometimes.)
  Kevin: Good lord! Were they carrying a spare Hindenburg in the back?!
  Bill: And no one's gonna fire a bazooka at the inferno? What kind of damn chick flick is this?
  Kevin: And Daenerys emerges from the flames, carrying her dragons—Rhaegal, Viserion, and "Don The."
  (later)
  Bill: Cars do not just crash in this movie, they drive into stockpiles of fuel-air bombs!
  (later, as Don "The Dragon" Wilson's character bails out of a fire truck, which ramps off of another vehicle and explodes)
  Mike: Ah, my twentieth wedding anniversary all over again.
  Kevin: Why did we bother with the Manhattan Project when we could have just turned any vehicle on its side?
• After several scenes filled with Unnaturally Blue Lighting:
  Bill: Waaait, wait wait wait. They're panning around in a room that isn't blue? What the hell is going on?!
  Mike: Oh, relax, Bill. I'm sure it'll be very, very blue again soon. I promise.
  Bill: (increasingly upset) Will it, though, Mike?
  Mike: (sighs) It will. You know what, for now, stare at this poster of Violet Beauregard that we keep in our studio at all times.
  (scene transition)
  Bill: (relieved) So blue... All's right with the world. Thanks for gettin' me through this, guys.
• Philips (Wilson's character) has his household computer system replay a painful memory.
  Philips: Recall November 23rd, 2014; 11:34 PM; camera six.
  Mike: Which will be him sitting in his underwear, drunk, watching Firefly.
  Philips' ex-wife: (in the recording) I'm married to a man whose job is to die at any given moment, for any given reason!
  Mike: She's married to Beaker?
• The (shirtless, bald) Cyber Tracker is activated to hunt Philips down.
  Mike: (evilly) "We will outfit him in a white T-shirt, and he will create a Magic Eraser that will take over the world!"
  Olson: (also evilly) The next move Philips makes... will be his last!
  Bill: What if he doesn't make a move for a long time, like he lays around in bed for years in his pajamas?
  Kevin: Oh, then he's fine.
• The Cybercore executive gives a villainous speech to his subordinates, while manhandling and choking his robotic assistant.
  Exec: I'm talking about the power over death!
  Kevin: Oh, it's an Amway pitch!
  Bill: "Could I please get choked by someone more attractive?"
  Mike: "Dear Emily Post, I was at the home of a colleague when he strangled his maid at the table!"

Cyborg Cop 2

No page, but see Cyborg Cop

• Early in the film, a lab technician is showing a group some of their inventions. He picks up a baseball cap:
  Man: Baseball cap?.... Yeah. (Mike chuckles) But in reality...
  Bill: Plus, if it's a cool '90s cyborg, it can wear it backward.
  Man: A high-intensity (dramatic pause) flamethrower.
  Kevin: Our entire R&D department is just Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.
• Ryan walks into a prison, fanny pack and all.
  Mike: "The first time I ever laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, he was wearin' a fanny pack. So we shivved him. The end."
• When the protagonist walks into a bar, there is a hairy, chunky, be-mulleted figure who looks suspiciously like....
  Kevin: ROWSDOWER!!!
  Bill: Please, the official name of his band is (affects an especially effeminate Troy-like lisp) Rowthdower!
• The guys making fun of Ryan and Starkraven's absurdly hammy showdown: "Come at me, bro!" "Come at ME, bro!"
• Their utter confusion that the title is 100% inaccurate given that the movie contains no cyborg cops.
• When Starkraven does a lame Jump Scare when a guard checks the back of the armored truck: "Bad convict! No biscuit for you!"
• Mocking the piss poor "Southern" accent one character that Ryan interrogates has. Bill sarcastically states he's "gettin' the vapors."
• When Ryan's ineptitude literally gets his old ally murdered: "Just know that your welding marathon killed me!"
• The final scene of the film, which is pretty much an Ass Pull in its entirety: "Come on! They're easy to kill now, for some reason."
  • The guys monotoning that they are shocked by Ryan's dead partner's lighter Call-Back.
• Pointing out that the female "lead" in the movie sounds completely disinterested.
  Bill: Did someone FORCE her to be in this movie?!

Dancin': It's On!

Dancin': It's On!

• Several callbacks, starting when the riffers realize who the director is:
  Bill: David Winters, the guy who directed Space Mutiny?
  Mike: Yeah, his career died, but then it came back in the next scene.
  • As Jennifer rides from the airport to the hotel (in a golf cart, with a mime):
  Bill (as Jennifer): To Pirates World!
• Kevin added a few slightly less upbeat lyrics to the relentlessly upbeat song about Panama City Beach, Florida, where the movie was filmed:
  Doin' things you'll regret in Panama City!
  Throwin' up Four Loko in Panama City!
  Bangin' guys named Braden in Panama City!
  Wakin' up without a kidney in Panama City!
• As Jennifer and Ken engage in some painfully awkward romantic banter:
  Kevin: OK, fruit bats are better at flirting than these two!
• "Did someone take a bet that they could make High School Musical look edgy?"

The Dark

• The guys point out the appropriateness of the film's title.
  Mike: Cinematography by a guy who sat on the remote and turned the contrast all the way down.
  (later, when the film cuts from the first victim's death to a boat party)
  Mike: "All right, should we spend our budget on a lighting crew, or rent a party yacht?"
  Kevin: "Oh, yacht!"
  Bill: "Yacht!"
  Mike: "'Kay, yacht it is!"
  (later)
  Mike: If you're gonna wreck a beautiful old car like that in your movie, maybe turn on some lights first?
• The running gag of a sinister voice whispering the title during "tense" scenes, and the riffers sarcastically wishing other movies did the same thing.
  Kevin: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Seveeerrrrrr...
  Bill: Neewwwsieeesss...
  Mike: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountaaaiiinnn...
• There are a couple of rather timely political riffs: at one point, the guys make a dig at "Sergeant Steve Bannon," and in another scene they express concern that an aspiring actor is about to get "the Weinstein treatment."
• During the obligatory medical-examiner scene:
  Bill: (creepily) "You the guys who wanna buy the foot?"
  Mike: "What?"
  Bill: "Nothing! Kidding!"
• Our next two victims show up:
  Hooker: Honey, you ain't payin' for all night, now!
  Mike: She's his financial planner, I assume?
  Kevin: Nine months later, The Guy from Harlem was born.
• The guys' interpretation of Captain Speer.
  Speer: Well, I'd think that you people could tell us whether or not he was black, white, yellow or—whatever!
  Forensic examiner: He's gray.
  Kevin: And to think that that guy is their director of diversity.
  Cop: Our mangler's a zombie!
  Speer: Mangler?! Zombie?!
  Mike: "He's probably a [bleep] or a [bleep], or maybe even a [bleeep]!"
  Bill: "Sir, please! Those are slurs!"
  Mike: "I blame this on the [bleep]s."
  Kevin: "Honestly, captain, you have to stop talking."
  Detective: The victims: white female, black male.
  Mike: "Black mail?!"
  Bill: "Oh, captain, no!"
  Mike: "Blackmail is a terrible crime!" (the others sigh in relief) "Usually committed by [bleep]s—"
  Kevin: "Noooo!"
  Speer: All right, let's go! Hit the streets!
  Mike: "And hey—let's be ugly out there."
• Vivian Blaine: Professional Boat Psychic.
  Psychic: (slurring her words after a stroke) I... s-saw it... in the mirror!
  Bill: "A horrible creature with red hair and a weird mouth! ...Oh, wait."
• During the final showdown:
  Bill: People forget, but most episodes of McMillan & Wife also ended with a laser-eye monster battle.
  Mike: Honestly, it feels like the writer got bored and let their kid brother finish the script.
  Kevin: "A-and then the cops are all 'Pow! Pow! Pow!' And the bad guy's like 'Oh, heck no!' and then he starts z-zapping them with his eyeballs! And they're like 'Nooo!'"
  Bill: Axe Cop before Axe Cop.

Dark Future

• The trio makes numerous jokes about flaming barrels:
  Mike: "He's at the two flaming barrels, headed toward more flaming barrels-" (the film shows exactly this) Oh my God, I was kidding. Wow.
• One of the androids tosses a chair:
  Mike: It's Android Bobby Knight!
• A woman is reading the baby a story; cut to the wide-eyed baby and this riff:
  Mike: Lady, I haven't eaten in days.
• Same woman is carrying the baby through an air duct to escape the cyborgs; it's shot so you can see up her cleavage. The woman keeps asking the baby to be quiet so they're not heard. As the movie cuts to a different scene:
  Kevin: No, don't cut away! I wanted to see if the baby got quiet.

The Dark Power

• Early in the movie, when a bunch of people, including a guy with a video camera, are standing around an old man in a bed:
  Bill: They're gonna document the exact moment he gets morning wood.
• Also early in the film, the scene keeps cutting back and forth between a POV shot of a dog and a kid in a nearby location in the woods:
  Bill: Well, this is the whole movie: Back and forth between this and the kid but they never cross paths.
  Mike: Enjoy Andy Warhol's Dark Power.
• The guys' many riffs on Lash LaRue's way of slurring his words that make him constantly sound like he's at least half drunk, and his overall ineffectuality as an Action Hero.
• As a fat guy in a sombrero carrying a bunch of boxes enters a door:
  Mike: Ah, at last; the movie's dignity is here!
• After one of the Toltec zombies kills the leader of the group of sleazy, racist Asshole Victims.
  Bill (as Toltec zombie): We got him! Now to form GWAR.
• Kevin's explanation for the reporter's attraction to Lash (who looks old enough to be her grandfather).
  Mary: I'm just fascinated by interesting men.
  Kevin: Oh, I get what's happening! She thinks he's the Dos Equis guy!
• When Lash and one of the zombies get into a final "duel" that consists of them standing in place and cracking whips at each other for several minutes:
  Mike: They're both determined to keep it up until one of them admits his name is Toby.

Day of the Animals

Day of the Animals

• During the main titles, a grizzly bear walks past the camera.
  Bill: I know what his favorite Disney song is.
  Mike: Ah, "The Bare Necessities!"
  Bill: "What Makes the Red Man Red?" from Peter Pan! Yeah, he's a bit of a racist.
• The guys' bewilderment at the chunky ranger's order of "a size and a beer" at the local saloon.
  Mike: (as the waitress) Here's your beer and whatever the Hell a "size" is.
• The Signature Scene of Leslie Nielsen's character Jenson wrestling a bear without a shirt on (after an attempted rape) has some memorable riffs.
  Jenson: Or pray... if there's a god left up there to believe in!
  Mike: (As God) There is. And I insist you choose between comic and serious performance!
  Jenson: Oh, Father who art in Heaven! You made a jackass out of me for years!
  Mike: See, this isn't helping!
  • Enter the bear.
    Mike: (As bear) Uh, this isn't about the hunting anymore, is it?
    Kevin: (As Jenson) What!!! No, no, you've got the wrong guy!
    Mike: Oh, well. If you can't be with the one you love... (Kevin screams in horror in-character.)
  • After a minute of wrestling, Bill starts worrying if the film's actually showing the "Bear and the Hunter" joke on-screen. On the other hand, several scenes and deaths later, he does hope for a cut to Nielsen's character and the bear leaning against a tree sharing a post-coital cigarette.
    Mike: I dreamed that a bear was making passionate, ursine love to Leslie Nielsen!
• "Look up ahead! There's a strange, little hillbilly kid with a banjo! We're saved!"
• "There's only one to prevent this dark future: keep using aerosols and wipe out every single animal on the planet."
• As officials survey the affected areas:
  Responder: Dead animals and looters everywhere. This place looks like World War III hit it.
  Kevin: Except, obviously, the gophers would be fighting on our side in World War III.
• As various birds start squawking like crazy: "Oh, no! Some sort of demic!"
• "No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Many, many actors were, though. All of them, really."

Deadly Prey

Deadly Prey

• Over the opening titles, which are intercut with a Lock-and-Load Montage:
  Bill: I hope the next shot is an accordion!
• Mike, Kevin and Bill are begging for the main hero to put on some clothes every time he kills one of his pursuers.
• The guys take note of a rather glaringly common trend in ther mercenaries' hair
  Mike: The milita's barber seems to have a... singular focus.
  Bill: "I'd like a gentlemen's cut. Taper the back, maybe two and half on the side..."
  Kevin: "Mullet. No problem."
• Our hero is saved by someone pulling a Heel–Face Turn and his hands move to his chest in confusion:
  Kevin: Did I just shoot out of my boobs?
• To the tune of "Eye of the Tiger":
  Mike: "It's the—prey that is deadly, it's the deadly prey..."
• The guys come up with alternate titles for the movie:
  Bill: The Most Tedious Game.
  Mike: Hair Target.
  Kevin: The Dumbing Man.
  Bill: Surviving the Lame.
  Mike: Baffle Royale.
  Kevin: And The Blunder Games. Well, I think that should cover Gene Shalit's review of Deadly Prey! Good work all round!
• The guys note that Colonel Hogan's assessment of Danton's uniqueness isn't really as impressive as he seems to think.
  Hogan: "You were different. You were one in a thousand."
  Kevin: So not statistically uncommon at all.
  Mike: Dantons just damn everywhere.
• As our hero goes through a (different) Lock-and-Load Montage:
  Mike: Ah, okay. Shoes, at last. Now, please. Please, tell me that somewhere in this house of his there is a shirt.
  Kevin: There's gotta be...
  (Hero marches out in his gear and...)
  Mike: Update, guys: there was no shirt.
• Their absolute excitement about how Danton dramatically tosses a lock and the music sting that happens as he does.
• The guys' genuine disgust at the rampant misogyny; everything from Danton coldly killing the Dark Action Girl and how Danton's wife is just a pathetic load who is raped and then murdered by the mercenaries. Kevin sums it up nicely at her death, "Yeah. Thanks, movie, you asshole."
• The guys noting how the "grenades" in this film just seem to only knock people down. At most, they mildly annoy Danton. Only when he throws them at the mercs do the grenades actually kill them, and even then, it just makes them flop over, no burns or shrapnel wounds.
  • Bonus when Danton is shot at with a tank twice and merely falls down. He is not rendered into hamburger meat. Somehow. Because reasons.

Death Promise

• The first credit, "Serafim Karalexis presents".
  Mike: ...presents, The Guy from Harlem Goes To Harlem.
• "Death Promise, also a very unsuccessful brand of margarine!"
  Thematic Theme Tune: That's a promise!
  Bill: Yeah.
• The riffers have a love-hate relationship with the theme song throughout the film, starting by being confused about whether it's music in the first place. However, they're openly disappointed about the times a Theme Music Power-Up cue is missed - and when the theme finally plays over the ending credits, they decide to sing the traditional request for donations To The Tune.
  Kevin: And if you all got this, silly riff / from someplace other than the official RiffTrax site, / just hop on over to RiffTrax dot com slash donate! / Give us a little bit of cash, and we'll be grateful!
  Mike and Bill: That's a promise!
  Kevin: 'Cause we depend on you! (That's a promise!) / to keep our funky stuff comin'! (That's a promise!) / Thank you from Mike, Kevin, and Bill! (That's a promise!) / WE'RE GONNA BLOW YOUR MINDS!
  Bill: Whoa! And see you next time at RiffTrax.com!
• When the camera pans across the table full of the film's very old and dumpy-looking villains.
  Bill: Apparently one of the prerequisites of being a slumlord is that you're hideously ugly.
• Then...
  Landlord: Young man, this country was built on the rule of law.
  Mike: (incredulously) "Young man?!"
  Kevin: It's hard to tell his age under all that hideousness.
• The Big Bad, Alden, leaves the introductory meeting of the Quirky Miniboss Squad of slum lords, to report to his mysterious backer and his Right-Hand Cat.
  Mike: Wait, the cane guy has a cat guy above him?!? This organization needs to streamline.
  • When Alden praises the Greater-Scope Villain for his plan succeeding so well:
    Kevin (as the cat): Meow meow, thanks, meow meow.
• "'Double Dragons Karate Academy', Billy Lee, proprietor."
• Alden engages in a long bout of Repeating So the Audience Can Hear in the aftermath of the strangely baroque murder of the first member of the slum lord ring (tying him behind an archery target so his Number Two for Brains can kill him):
  Mike: (as Alden) Shot through the heart, Jake? And you're to blame?
• As one of the Quirky Miniboss Squad is racing his getaway car through an underground garage to escape Charlie...
  Bill: Somewhere in this garage is a fruit vender looking around nervously.
• While planning the murder of the corrupt judge, Charley states that he's going to use an "old assassin's trick."
  Bill: This One Weird Japanese Trick to Cure Snoring — Murder.
• One assassination and half of an obligatory fight scene later:
  Kevin: Wait, I don't get it. The level boss is dead. Shouldn't they advance to the next stage?
  Bill: Congratulations. You've unlocked the "Funkiness" badge!
• Later still, when Charley's Token Black Friend and sidekick Speedy demands the right to kill the black, drug dealing slumlord for what he did to Speedy's brother and black people in general:
  Kevin: Gonna give him an Uncle Tom stabbin'!
• Several jokes about the strange and overacted Kiai during the fight in Alden's boardroom. It's less "battle cry" and more "hellish throat-shrieking"
  Bill: Learn the fighting style of a fussy toddler at snacktime!
  Kevin: (laughs) They trained under sensei Sam Kini-san!
  Mike: I do appreciate that every guy has his own style of annoying sounds to make.
• During the stairwell chase in the finale, when the hero Charley throws a shuriken into the back of a fleeing Alden:
  Alden: Oh my God!
  Bill: Fakest scream ever!
  (Alden stumbles out the door, and immediately gets a katana in the gut.)
  Alden: Oh, NOOOO!!!
  Bill: (impressed) I stand corrected!
• After Charley has stabbed Master Shibata in the gut, the guys are confused when Charley starts dragging him around only to snicker in bemused disbelief as Charley throws the body off the roof. It even elicits an "Oh Really? " out of Bill.
• As Charley leaves a wreath at his father's grave:
  Mike (as Charley): (as Charley) Hey, Dad. I beat the hell out of a florist for these.
  

The Devil's Hand

• One of the most hilarious Running Gag threads in the riff is the fact that Rick is 100% unbothered by almost every weird, creepy thing that happens to him, from visions of a strange woman in a negligee dancing before him through astral projection to finding a doll of her randomly at a store he's never been to before and being told he's the one who ordered and paid for it, and oh, of course, the fact that he gives his soul away to the devil god of evil just so he can get laid! Frankly, there is no reason not to laugh at his misfortune when the guy joined a freaking death cult just to get some ass, especially since he was already in a romantic relationship.
• Rick tries to get Frank (the dollmaker and cult leader) to sell the doll modeled after Donna.
  Frank: This one, I'm afraid, is not for sale. If you'd care to leave a photo, I'd be happy to make one up for this young lady.
  Bill: What, you mean the boat anchor here?
  Rick: ...But she is the lady!
  Donna: (smiles and nods)
  Kevin: (ditzily) "I'm the lady."
  (Frank stares creepily at Donna, and she loses the smile and looks away)
  Kevin: "No I'm not!"
• Donna gets voodoo-stabbed.
  Donna: Rick!
  Kevin: Hide me, Rick! Hide me!
  Mike: (as Frank) "Hmm, it's been a good day. Confused a bland couple, practiced some voodoo, even got to put on the leopard cape."
  (Frank pins the Donna doll to a shelf)
  Bill: Does this mean the real woman is now pinned to the car seat?
• Rick meeting Donna in the hospital.
  Rick: How do you feel?
  Donna: Like a steamroller hit me.
  Rick: Well, that makes two of us.
  Kevin: I'm sure you— Huh?!
• The running gag of making fun of Rick's dress sense.
  (as Rick is tossing and turning in bed)
  Mike: Eh...no... My cardigan! No!
  (later)
  Frank: I anticipated your coming back. (produces a gift-wrapped, suspiciously doll-sized box from behind the counter)
  Bill: (sing-song) A new cardigan!
  (Rick puts on a suit before meeting Bianca)
  Mike: What the hell's he wearing?! It's like a long cardigan with lapels or something!
• Rick finally meets Bianca in person:
  Bianca: The resemblance is amazing, don't you think?
  Mike: He even got the forked tongue right!
• Bianca takes Rick to Gamba's temple for initiation.
  Bianca: The wheel is spun... and Gamba makes His decision.
  Mike: Or buys a vowel.
  Kevin: It's so... hot. I mean tragic! Tragic!
  Rick: (adjusts his tie nervously) Sounds like a million laughs.
  Bill: Young Rodney Dangerfield reacts.
  (Frank uses a long stick to spin the wheel-o'-knives)
  Bill: The official Devil Pole of Evil! Fashioned from two Devil Broomsticks of Evil and some duct tape that was, you know, kind of naughty.
• Gamba "spares" the evening's sacrifice (i.e., Frank manipulates the wheel-o'-knives to avoid killing her).
  Cultists: (dully) Gamba... Gamba...
  Mike: (heavy with boredom and contempt) We are all so totally jazzed...
• The riffers get really tired of the boring "voodoo" drummer.
  Kevin: Drumming and napping—together at last!
  Mike: The drummer from Def Leppard could outplay this guy with one arm tied behind his back!
• There are two portly men that are a part of Gamba's cult and the folks at Rifftrax get a lot of mileage out of it.
  Mike: Finally, a cult where fat guys can sway all they want!

Dinosaurus

Dinosaurus!

• There's an underwater explosion.
  Kevin: Well, there goes the last Snork!
• When Betty is going towards the island on a rowing boat:
  Man: Go back, Betty!
  * This bit:
  Betty: Let's go monster-fishing.
  Mike: The unofficial slogan of eHarmony.

Kevin (to the tune of Black Betty)'': Go back, Betty/ Turn around!/ Go back, Betty/ turn around!
* Some construction workers are moving their crane:

Man: Okay, Lou. We're all hooked up. Bring her in nice and easy.
Kevin: But I never, ever do nothin' nice and easy.
Bill: (snickers) Thank you, Tina.

• "Animation by Ray's idiot brother Ralph Harryhausen."
• While the dinosaur-reviving storm rolls in, some of the human characters meet at a bar.
  Jasper: Stormy and wet out tonight, Mr. Hacker!
  Hacker: Fine, I don't need your weather report. Sit down and shut up, I'll do the talking.
  Mike: Jasper's Unfriendly Host! (chuckles)
  Bill: ...(bleep) you, Mike.
  Hacker: (to the barmaid) You're my little tamale, aren't you?
  Bill: That's how I start all my letters to Edward James Olmos.
  (The barmaid drops a wine bottle while trying to get away from Hacker)
  Kevin: O'Leary just felt a strange disturbance in the Force.
• Betty meeting the caveman, whose only response is a blank, gormless stare.
  Betty: You saved my life...
  Kevin: (as the Caveman) BONER.
• Everything involving Dumpy.
  "From the way he acts, you'd never believe that Dumpy won consecutive Nobel Prizes in physics."
  "'Not again, Dumpy.' A phrase that should never involve a minor."
  "But nobody should learn what Dumpy is able to teach."
  "Dumpy doesn't know he's a grown man, does he?"
• When the camera slowly zooms in on O'Leary as he sits in his hut, reading.
  Mike: Wait a sec— Oh no, he's on the can, isn't he?!
  Kevin: He's droppin' the wee ones off the Cliffs of Moher!
  Mike: Oh Danny Boy, the pipes are nearly bursting!
  Kevin: His low-fiber diet is giving all new meaning to the Troubles!
  Bill: Don't worry guys, he's not on the can.
  Mike and Kevin: (sighs of relief)
  Bill: But he is currently pooping.
  Mike and Kevin: (groans of disgust)
• "Gilligan and Skipper fused into one horrible man."
  Kevin: Julio fled the theater the same way when he took him to see We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story. (as Julio) It's a kids movie! Why are Jay Leno and Julia Child in this?
• The brief scene at the end of a passing cruise ship.
  Old Woman in Hat: Do you suppose they greet all the ships like this?
  Mike: Mary Poppins really let herself go!

Doctor Who and the Daleks

Dr. Who and the Daleks

• While waiting for one of the Daleks' tedious conversations to begin while the huge, fancy rotating console prop slowly moves into position:
  Red Dalek ...LINE!?
  Black Dalek ...LINE!?
  Red Dalek ...LINE!?
• Another The Oner scene of the two main Daleks talking while moving away from a screen as other Daleks move across in the background.
  Mike: Dalek Walk and Talk guest directed by Aaron Sorkin.
• Bill's growing nerd rage as the contradictions with the series grow (during the opening credits!), causing him to be restrained and sedated by the other two.
  Bill: (as the film title appears) Whoa! Doctor Who!?! Amazing, guys — which one of the Doctors...(credit for Peter Cushing as "Dr. Who" appears; suddenly confused) Peter Cushing? The guy who played Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars?
  Kevin: The grandest Tarkin!
  Mike: And the moff-iest!
  Bill: But... But, but wait, which Doctor was he? I... I know every single one of them so well, their numbers, their eras, the actors who played them, their quirks... Did I mention that I knew their numbers?
  Kevin: You did.
  Mike: Well, Bill, I don't know how to break this to you, but this is a non-canonical version of Doctor Who.
  Bill: What - What? I'm scared, what does that mean!?!
  Kevin: Er, it means it's sort of unconnected to the TV series. Doctor Who has a TARDIS, and he fights Daleks and all...
  Bill: Pshew, good...
  Kevin: ...but he's just a human scientist, not a "quote, unquote, Time Lord".
  Bill: (confused) Wh-what, what!?! N-And the theme, where's the Doctor Who theme!?!
  Mike: It's not really a part of this...
  Bill: Wait, I think I hear it, Mike! I, uh, I think you're wrong about him not being a Time Lord. (nervously laughing) H-How could you have Doctor Who who isn't a Time Lord! Do you hear it? Do you hear the theme there? (Bill tunelessly hums the Doctor Who theme to himself.)
  Kevin: (as Bill continues humming) Ok, uh, Mike, uh, prepare the sedative.
  Mike: (laughs) Doing it... 20 CCs, injected!
  Bill: Ow, ow! I just thought there was no way in the world they could do a Doctor Who who didn't fit into the beautiful and fun and tightly constructed (slows down as the sedative kicks in) world that I... love... so much...
  Kevin: (soothingly) Good, Bill.
  Bill: He can be the three-and-a-half Doctor... So relaxed knowing that everything is canon again...
  Mike: Yes, Bill, everything is canon.
  • Later, Bill lampshades the Early-Installment Weirdness, especially compared to the 21st-century revival seasons:
    Bill: He's not an alien, he's not young and dashing, he doesn't have a weird psychosexual yearning for his super-hot companion — I mean, what is Doctor Who about if not that!?!
    Mike: It's about slow, silent group trudges through soundstages. I mean, that's what I always liked about it.
• As the Daleks capture the main characters:
  Mike: (as the Black Dalek) WELCOME TO THE ISLAND OF MISFIT SEX TOYS!
  Kevin: Ugh... studded!
• As Dr. Who explains that they've been given radiation poisoning.
  Bill: (as Dr. Who) Ian, you're now double impotent.
  • In a later gag, Mike has Cushing lament that he went from Olivier's Hamlet to a "bloody robot romp".
    Mike: (As Dr. Who, who's looking through a security camera screen into the fourth wall) You people should be ashamed!
• The running gag that every single Dalek is named Carl.
• When a Dalek enters the prison cell while Ian is doing a sarcastic curtsy while describing a key part of their escape plan:
  Mike: The disgusted Dalek vaporised him instantly.
  Blue Dalek: MOVE-BACK-FROM-THE-DOOR!
  Kevin (as Dalek): AND NE-VER, E-VER, MINCE AGAIN!
• When all the Thals walk towards the city carrying baskets, one of them comments in annoyance that they all brought baskets as a housewarming present.
• The riffers eventually comment that Ian isn't even good Comic Relief, complaining once that Mr. Bean would have accidentally married a lady Dalek by that point in the film.
• At the end, when the heroes trick two of the Daleks into blasting each other during the final battle:
  Kevin: (as a blasted-Dalek) You knew that was me, Carl! YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE!
• As Dr. Who explains how TARDIS works:
  Dr. Who: When I push that lever, this room and everything in it will dissolve into their respective component electrical charges.
  Bill: I'm about to kill us, is what I'm saying.

Doctor Who: Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.

Daleks' Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.

• Both Bill and Kevin wish they won't have to hear the Dalek voices in this movie. Mike tries to point out the problem with this logic.
• After the Doctor explains TARDIS.
  Kevin: And no, I cannot go back and kill Hitler before you ask. He’s a good friend of mine.
• As Bernard Cribbins is replaced with an Obvious Stunt Double.
  Kevin: Help, I've suddenly been replaced with a darker haired, thinner person.
  Bill: Did you see me out there? I looked completely different.
• The Running Gag of Susan reacting with shock to the Daleks.
• Everyone comments on the extended Robomen sequence.
  Bill: Man, the Daleks must waste a lot of time programming these guys for comic relief.
  Mike: None of these idiots realise they're all rebels in disguise.
  • It continues when the Robomen all leave at the same time.
  Bill: We all have the same poop cycle. That makes things inconvienient.
  • Followed soon after by Mike commenting that Tom's ducking out is exactly the move he pulls when his wife drags him to Yankee Candle.
• The resistance leader Dortmun's death gets some mockery, partially for the fact they only mourn him for 10 seconds.
  Kevin: No, that wheelchair was a rental!
  Mike: (as the Daleks) We had a cure for paralysis, the heck was that guy's problem?
• This exchange while the loser-cop-hero and the female lead are fleeing the Daleks:
  Bill: (as the cop) Maybe human sex destroys them?
  Kevin: (as the girl) No! You've suggested that four times!
• At the end, Bill has Cushing’s Doctor say he’ll leave all future Dalek invasions to that Pertwee fellow from now on.
• As everyone waves Tom off.
  Kevin: Bye. We’ve visited the future and you die in two years from a flesh eating virus.

Double Dragon

Double Dragon (1994)

• At the first sight of the mutated Abobo: "It's nice to see Rob Gronkowski's keeping in shape."
  • Later, Mike notes "It's like The Elephant Man became a pro wrestler!"
• "It's the wacky side of martial law!"
• "The medallion tells them to drink more Ovaltine!"
• A News Broadcast of the aftermath of the boat chase scene, courtesy of Channel 69.
  Mike: Channel 69 — K-N-I-C-E!
• As kids overrun the ruins of a mall:
  "And suddenly a Bubble Tape commercial broke out."
  "Our guns are powerless against their badditude!"
• Bill: This scene answers the question "What if a fight broke out inside a Trapper Keeper?"
• As the Big Bad goes One-Winged Angel and causes a citywide blackout: "Oh no, he's absorbing the power of the city's beds, baths, and beyond-eses!"
  • Then the heroes get their Super Mode with colorful video game costumes: "The amulet's making them perform on Eurovision?"
• When the mutant sees his reflection and shatters the bathroom mirror.
  Bill: (as Tommy Wisseau) Everybody betray me! I'm fed up with this world!

The Fairy King of Ar

• A shot of a group of fairies swirling in the air returns a riff that it's the Playstation 2 start-up.
• "Why do I feel like we just entered a Stephen King novel?" "Because the scene felt like it was written in a minute?"
• When the dad starts to suffer from an Incurable Cough of Death, a doctor explains it the best way he can:
  Bill: (As the Doctor) How can I be sensitive here? HUSBAND-O NO-LIVE-O. Savvy?

Feeders

Feeders

• The film's low-budget production values, amateurish acting and primitive special effects are mocked throughout:
  • Kevin on the shakily read opening Fauxlosophic Narration over stock footage of stars: "This guy needs billions and billions of voice lessons."
  • Kevin on one primitive effect: "UFO effects get worse 40 years after Plan 9."
  • Bill on the actors: "This is going to be one of those movies where everyone looks like they're wearing an ankle monitor."
• The movie is filled with needlessly extended sequences of driving and related activities like getting into cars and buying gas.
  Mike: Every aspect of the driving experience must be documented!
• As Derek and Bennett banter:
  Kevin: It's like two stoners arguing over whether Syd Barrett was the heart of Pink Floyd.

Final Justice

Final Justice

• "Get some sleep." "That's what he WAS doing, before you came in and spouted exposition to him."
• When lampshading the repetitive nature to the movie:
  "Am I in Groundhog Day?"
• Wondering why a boy is dressed as Napoleon.
• (pointing out a pale guy in the background wearing a top hat and sporting a thin mustache) "Is that Ghost Magician Hitler?"
• One of the villains is disguised in a black religious cloak. They riff that he's appearing in an upcoming Dan Brown novel.
• Observing how all cars and boats in Malta are apparently made of bombs.
• During the bar fight, they riff that unlike Harrison Ford, who "wimped out" when he got sick while filming Raiders of the Lost Ark, Joe Don Baker fights through the pain.
• "He looks like if Woody from Toy Story wished to be a real boy on a monkey's paw."

Firehead

Firehead

• Many, many jokes involving Chris Lemmon, his utter lack of appeal, and how he rode his dad's coattails into Hollywood.
  (Hart mugs a very familiar wry look to Vaughn)
  Mike: Shameless impression of my famous father, annnnnd... done.
  
  Vaughn: I've paired you with Agent Buchanan.
  Mike: Walter Matthau's daughter! Looks just like him, too. Very unfortunate.
  
  (Closing lines as the credits roll)
  Kevin: And, as we sit here, truly humbled to have seen the origin of the great hero "Firehead", I think we can all agree — Jack Lemmon should NEVER have had children.
  Bill: WOW!
  Mike: (Quietly) Wow...
  Bill: MAN, Kevin...
  (Beat)
  Bill: But yeah, agreed.
  Mike: Totally, totally agreed.
• The guys gets a lot of mileage out of the little girl playing Smith, who recites her lines in the very flat, enunciated way that most bad child actors do, but louder:
  Smith: SERIOUSLY, LISTEN! I'VE GOT THE ALDEHYDE REACTION GOING, BUT WHEN I —
  Bill: Oh, they did it... they invented a kid more annoying than Jake Lloyd! I didn't think it was possible!
  Smith: THANKS! WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?!
  Kevin: Gah! Stop yelling!
  Smith: IT LOOKS LIKE THE HEAT-SHIELD HOUSE FOR THE M-X!
  Mike: Her voice just shattered a car window in Perth, Australia.
  Smith: YEAH! THEY'RE MADE OUT OF GRAPHITE, AND THEY'RE SHAPED FUNNY LIKE THAT TO FIT THE EXHAUST VENT!
  Bill: Kid, shush! You're causing planes to drop out of the sky!
  [...]
  Smith: YOU SEEM KIND OF TENSE. YOU WANNA PLAY LASER MAZE?
  Mike: I PROMISE IT'LL BE A SOOTHING AND PLEASANT EXPERIENCE!
• Kevin's falsetto disco song, performed over 90 seconds of absolutely nothing disguised as stealth.
  "He's got the pleat-front khakis, and the pale blue shirt, the douchey New York Yankees hat! Uh-huh! We'd tell you more about him, but that's pretty much all we haaave — the aforementioned khaki pants, and that terrible awful hat!"
• Near the end, when the hero reads out the word "Bzapp" from a Batman comic:
  Bill: (Sounding extremely happy) Ah, Rowsdower has finally teamed up with Batman! Dreamteam!
• As the body of Martin Landau's character is discovered:
  Mike: "Eddie... I don't feel so great."

Fist of Fury

Fist of Fury

• This excellent exchange during the opening credits, gradually building up to screams:
  Mike: Those are Chinese characters, not naked ladies. This isn't a Bond movie.
  Kevin: Well then why do I have a Goldfinger?
  Mike: I told you to go to a doctor about that two weeks ago!
  Kevin: I can't drive! My eyes haven't been able to focus since it turned gold!
  Mike: Don't point it at me!
  Kevin: It points on its own now!
• Chen's fellow students are haranguing him for fighting back against the rival school, thinking it prompted more attacks:
  Student: Now see what you've done! You act the hero, and this, this is what they do to us. You should have told us what you were going to do!
  Kevin: (as Chen) I see your point. But may I remind you that I'm BRUCE (Bleeping) LEE??
• The overweight, middle-aged master of the karate school squares off against Bruce Lee:
  Bill: "This looks like a fair and even fight."
• After Chen (Lee)'s first attack on the Japanese school:
  Mr. Wu: (smugly) I know him. We've met before. His name is Chen. They say he's the school's best boxer...
  Bill: (same) I provoked the whole thing by slapping him.
• The film's infamous lack of effort to avoid including contemporary fashions provides plenty of fuel for riffs. For example, the establishing shot of the "No dogs or Chinese allowed" park, which has a mullet-ed man in sunglasses and a hideous tie walking alongside a woman with a afro:
  Mike: Isn't living in early 20th-century China groovy, dear? I know I can dig it.
  • Petrov's 'fro also doesn't escape — it inspires a sketch turning the first half of his appearance at the Japanese dojo into being a "martial arts birthday clown".
    Bill: (as karate student leaping onto Petrov) We love you, Karate-o the Clown!
    Kevin: (ditto) Yeah! Now throw us! Break our spines! Whee!
    Mike: (As Petrov, after throwing both students off) Thanks, kids. Now I'll break some balloons for you, and chop your cake in half.
• In the same sequence as Petrov's introduction, Chen is busy Clark Kenting to infiltrate the Japanese compound as a telephone repairman.
  Kevin: (excited) Oh, I love it when Bruce Lee turns back into mild-mannered Clark Kato!
• During the dramatic scene in the graveyard between Chen and his fiancee Yuan:
  Yuan: Chen, why don't you speak?
  Bill: (As Chen) I find words difficult, because I can't punch them!
• One of the characters has a Hitler mustache. Bill declares it a bold choice to go with that mustache: "It really makes a statement. And that statement is: 'I like Hitler.'"
• During the climactic fight scene, Bruce Lee says "Whaaaaaa..." in a raspy voice. Mike riffs, "Nice parrot impression."

Frozen Scream

• The guys doing multiple voiceovers from fake plumbing ads to other TV shows to mock the detective narration popping in over dialogue.
• Four words: Jack Around the Shack.

Fun in Balloon Land

Fun in Balloon Land

• When the off-key kids and adults start singing, Bill gasps, and says under his breath, "Oh, God..."
• During the opening theme:
  Singers: Wise Mr. Owl sits there singin', Piggy-Wig stands with a Ring-In-His-Nose♪
  Bill: Yeah, that rhyme kinda- don't dwell on it. Let's move on.♪
• Storyteller: She was so lovely that her parents decided to give a large party for all the lords and ladies of the land.
  Kevin: He would then lock the doors and kill them all. It was the reddest party in the land.
• When the kid in pajamas stands away from the camera in front of a small billboard that's supposed to represent the fairy tale book, it looks frighteningly similar to another film's ending.
  Mike: Yes, Blair Witch... whatever you say... whatever you say...
• Bill makes a terrible mistake while they watch a mediocre ballet.
  Bill: [As the action stops] Encore!
  Kevin: No!
  [The dance resumes after a brief pause]
  Bill: Oh, God, I've summoned it!
  Kevin: Bill, you monster!
  Bill: I'm so sorry...
• When the boy walks onto the set wearing only gold shorts to meet the Sea King, the riffers are justifiably uncomfortable.
  Kevin: Guys, is this movie even legal?
• The incredibly awkward conversation they imagine between the kid and...everything around him.
  Mike: [As the boy, nervously, as "sea creatures" stand around awkwardly] Um, what are y-...what do you want, I don't even...
  Kevin: [As the king] Let's uh, maybe I can-
  Mike: What should I-?
  Kevin: Just get outta it.
  Mike: But what was that? I...
  Kevin: Let's just put it behind us.
  Mike: That was odd, I don't even...
  [A hideous lobster approaches]
  Mike: Uh, mister, i-it's happening again.
  Kevin: [Disenthralled] I don't know what to tell you, kid.
  Mike: ...can I leave?
  Kevin: [Confused] I don't know!
• When the boy arrives in the undersea kingdom, Kevin has him order the Sea King to "Rustle up that Ariel chick; she's hot!"
• Kevin: (as the boy in golden lame bikini briefs runs around chased by someone in an awful lobster costume) Okay, it's official: this is now my favorite movie ever!
• "'Do you want to milk a cow' — it's not as popular with kids as 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman?'"
• When the kids are singing "Old McDonald's Farm".
  Kids: With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink...
  Kevin: "Everywhere an oink oink." These little thugs just hate the cops!
• The parade sequence, actual archival footage of the 1964 Philadelphia Thanksgiving parade, is perhaps one of the highlights of the entire Rifftrax library of work. They get a ton of mileage out of the parade's narrator, who sounds like she's simultaneously drunk, high, horny, and undergoing a psychotic break.
  Narrator: OoooOOoOOooOOoohhhh noooOOOOOOOoooOOOOooOOoo!
  Bill: (chortling) Okay, the peyote is really kicking in now!
  • The random scene where the camera is just lazily wobbling to the right without focusing on anything.
  Mike: And here's where a dog grabbed the camera...
  • Kevin decides to take the wheel when the narration suddenly goes quiet.
    Mike: Seems we lost our narrator too.
    Kevin: I'll fill in. Here's a band, oh man, with a plan! Horns in their hands and some flan in a pan. I'm secretly in love with my ex-mailman Stan! I keep clumps of his hair in an old coffee can!
    Mike: Huh. Spot on, thank you.
• The crew also get a lot of mileage out of her constant use of the word "gay" to mean happy.
  Mike: Everything is gay with this lady.
• Later on...
  Narrator: Hickory-dickory-dock...
  Kevin: Andrew Dice Lady!
• Later:
  Mike: She's full-on Nursery Rhyme Word Salad about now!
• The parade itself is bizarre and poorly organized enough to be riff-worthy even without the narrator. When some majorettes appear without a clear place in the parade:
  Mike: These two are Rōnin majorettes, exiled, forced to twirl batons without a drum corps to call home.
  Bill: A noble yet tragic calling.
• The entire..."guessing game" at the end of the film, in which the narrator explains the rules, and then proceeds to do, for lack of a better term, something else.
  Kevin: Quit moving the goal post, lady!
  • "Phooey!"
    Kevin: Phooey!
    Bill: Yay-yay!
    Kevin: Are we winning?
    Bill: [panicked] I don't know!
  • Narrator: Say, "Hello, fat hippo!"
    Mike: Wait til your mom's friends are around.
  • Kevin: (whining) I WANT MY MOMMY!
    Mike: Yeah, that's what the kids would say at this point.
    Kevin: WHAT KIDS?!?!
    (Mike chuckles nervously.)
• "Ladies and gentlemen, Katy Perry without autotune!"
• At one point in the parade, car with a loudspeaker drives past the camera:
  Mike: WAR IS PEACE! FREEDOM IS SLAVERY! IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH! KILL A HOBO! Oh, wait...
• As things begin to wind down:
  Narrator: Remember, we love you!
  Kevin: Then why did you do this to us?!
• At the end, Bill says what everyone is thinking:
  Bill: (whispering) Okay, seriously, what the hell was that?!

Future Force

Future Force

• Covers Always Lie: Seriously, this cover has to be the one of the most blatant lies for any movie. Ever.
• Mike and Kevin's Dude, Not Funny! reaction to Bill's David Carradine joke.^note For context, David Carradine's body was found hung from a makeshift noose in a hotel room, the cause of death likely being connected to autoerotic asphyxiation.
  Bill: David Carradine? How did they rope him into this film?
  (Both Kevin and Mike react in horror.)
  Bill: What? What?
  Mike: Oh, oh... just... too soon...
  Kevin: Okay, now you're good.
  Bill: Great! Great! Because I have a closet full of jokes!... (Beat) Maybe it was too soon.
  Mike: Yeah.
  • Of course, the circumstances regarding the fate of the lead actor doesn't stop them from making jokes about it.
  Kevin: (As Tucker) Well, well, autoerotic--I mean interesting, interesting.
• Early in the movie Bill has a lot of fun with the fact that Tucker is an agent of "C.O.P.S.", the Civilian-Operated Police System. He's gonna have to file a R.E.P.O.R.T. and drive home in his C.A.R., but he's excited for his upcoming T.H.R.E.E.W.E.E.K.V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. He explains all of those acronyms, none of them making any sense.
  • The opening scene introduces the audience to the "C.O.P.S." concept — but calls the organization "Civilian Operated Police Incorporated", leading to a Running Gag of referring to them as "C.O.P.I."
• When the film's fascination with showing Tucker drive places has gotten out of hand
  Mike:Driving scenes: the cinematic equivalent of sawdust.
  Kevin: Driving scenes: without them your crappy movie would be like 20 minutes long.
  Mike: That sounds great, actually.
  Bill: Yeah! I hate you, driving scenes!
• As a big muscular guy scrawls something on a chalkboard
  Mike: Just have to write down how much I hate NEEEEEEEEEERDS!
• On that note, as the camera pans across the C.O.P.S. office, showing Tucker's co-workers to be gun-toting bodybuilders, Bill compares the scene to a Rifftrax staff meeting.
• WANTED: PETER SPRING
  Kevin: Ironically, David Carradine owned a number of peter springs.
  Mike: What is a pe-Nevermind.
• The Big Bad and his Dragon use heavy machinery to murder a lackey in the dead of night. It's extremely loud and takes a good long while.
  Bill: (as thug, yelling over the noise) I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO GO WITH AN INCONSPICUOUS MURDER PLOT, BOSS!
• When said Dragon is hacking into computer files to frame a troublesome reporter
  Mike: So, you hire a big muscley psychopath thug to do your dirty work...
  Kevin: I do.
  Mike: Then when you need someone whacked, he walks four feet over to a computer and types in a few things.
• The movie really fails to deliver an atmosphere that suggests the future in any way, and in fact looks appreciably older than its 1989 vintage. This does not go unnoticed at all. For instance, during a chase scene where Tucker is trying to shake a helicopter
  Mike: I'm sorry, this chase is just too futuristic. They're asking us to accept too much.
• And later
  Bill: Okay, there can't be that much movie left, so when the Hell are they gonna go through the time portal that takes them to the future?
  Kevin: Well, what about this junkyard full of 70s cars and guy loading an antique pistol doesn't say "future" to you?
• "The evil priest's henchman has a pegleg, sure." Said very matter-of-factly to highlight how ridiculous it is.
• "Call me an animal again and I'll shed my winter coat and eat my young!"
• As the film ends, it settles on a shot of our slovenly hero driving his beat-up truck into the grimy downtown LA distance as Kevin wonders if the shot can get any more undignified. With perfect timing, a Budweiser truck zooms through, obscuring the shot completely.
  Kevin: Touche, Budweiser truck. Touche.
• During Tucker's fight with the villain's henchman:
  Henchman: Come on! I want some more of your ass!
  Bill: Uh...do you maybe want to rephrase that?

Future Zone

• The crew get a lot of mileage on pondering how Future Force merited a sequel at all.
• On seing the title card "David Carradine Entertainment".
  Kevin:Oh, I think we all know what David did for entertainment!
• When Tucker breaks out his robot glove:
  Kevin: Ah ha ha! There she is! Like Indy's whip, Wolverine's claws, this glove is an iconic movie weapon fans recognize as a...
  Villain: (trying to start his engine) Lousy piece of shit!
  Kevin: Yeah, pretty much.
  • The Running Gag in both movies about how using the glove more often (namely, all the time) would solve all of Tucker's problems much more quickly and with comparatively less loss of life. He really comes across as an utter bonehead for not wearing it all the time.
• Despite Bill's line about a time portal in the riff of Future Force, the fact that Future Zone actually does involve a time portal doesn't go over well with the guys due to the ridiculously flimsy way it's introduced ("Some friends of mine built a time portal...")
  Bill: There you have it, folks, the thinnest premise in movie history.
  • It's a while before they stop making fun of that detail
    Tucker: Let me get this straight...
    Mike: A *bleep* TIME PORTAL?!
• Carradine's real wife says in the film, "He had his kinky moments." This does not go unnoticed by the crew.
• After Tucker's house blows up, Tucker storms off. When ask where to:
  Tucker: I'M GOING TO GET DRUNK!
  Kevin: No...
  Tucker: ALONE!
  Kevin: You don't say!
• As a bad guy in a van fires on Tucker
  Kevin: This van is reminding me of The A-Team. Specifically the episode where they watched Future Zone and were like "This movie seems terrible!"

The Galaxy Invader

The Galaxy Invader

• The guys get a lot of mileage out of how utterly unlikeable the protagonists are.
• "Your picture is on the Wikipedia page for 'jerk!'"
• A couple looks into their basement, armed with knives.
  Kevin: R. Kelly? You still trapped down there?

Gammera the Invincible

Gamera

• A different turtle is invoked as Gammera shows himself to Toshiro and his family:
  Bill (as Gammera): Cowabunga, dudes! Anyone know where I can get a huge pepperoni pizza? Haha, I'm kidding, I'm here to kill you.
• As Toshiro falls into Gammera's palm:
  Mike (as Gammera): Hey, aren't you supposed to be a hot blonde?
• Gammera ambles past a nuclear power plant:
  Bill (as Gammera): Hey, Silkwood! Lookin' good, doll! You're practically glowing! Call me, babe.

Ghosthouse

La Casa 3 (a.k.a. Ghosthouse)

• Right out of the gate, the guys make the obvious joke with a title like this.
  Mike: GHOSTHOUSE! I'm revoking your charter!
  Bill: Is it 'cause we're supposed to be dead?
  Mike: No, no. Well, it's a contributing factor, yes. But mostly, it's your crazy keggers... Where you rise from the depths of Hell to terrorize people.
• The guys take a few cracks at the horrid motif/calling card given to the ghost, but the most awesome one is when Kevin turns it into a full on drinking song. It ends:
  Kevin: To the Ghost House!
  Chorus of voices: To the Ghost House!
  Bill: GAH! How did you do that?
  Kevin: It was the ghosts, Bill. They can't get enough of that song.
• He's Jim Dalen. He's staying here on vacation with a camper in the yard. His brother and his girlfriend are here too, as is his sister Tina. And his intro will out live him.
• Nick Nolte is apparently hiding out in the Ghost House.
• When Jim Dalen, who's here on vacation with a camper in the yard along with his brother and his girlfriend (oh, and his sister Tina) asks the little girl haunting the place and her clown doll what they want:
  Mike (as Girl): Chicken finger Happy Meal.
  Kevin (as Clown): Same.
  Jim Dalen: For God's sake, somebody help me!
  Mike (as Girl): You want my fries?
  Kevin (as Clown): You know it!
• Bill: As you're about to toss a lit match into a gasoline drenched coffin, you've got to question some decisions you've made in life.
• When Mark chases the knife-wielding psycho into the basement
  Mike: (as Mark) Acid washed, you on it?
  Kevin: (as Mark's denim jacket) Ready, sir. Bandana, you know the drill?
  Bill: (as Mark's neckerchief) Got it. Feathered hair, you take the lead.
  Mike: (as Mark's hair) I'm on it.
  (Mark enters the basement)
  Kevin: (as Mark's denim jacket) Feathered hair, you go left.
  Mike: (as Mark's hair) Way ahead of you, buddy.
• As Tina approaches a room and puts down the toy skeleton arm she found:
  Kevin: Oh no, she's going in there... unarmed! (laughs) Woah-! (loud crashing noise) ...Gee, Bill you actually hit me with a piano.
  Bill: Yeah, and I've got another one here, so watch yourself.
  Kevin: Wow...

Godmonster of Indian Flats

• As the titular creature is a giant mutant sheep, once it finally goes on its lumbering rampage the jokes about its appearance are many:
  • "Creature designed by Seth Brundle entering the telepod with Snuffleupagus."
  • "The monster's a threat only to paraplegics who don't have Rascal scooters."
  • "Easy there, boys! Han Solo stuffed Luke Skywalker inside that thing for warmth!"
• The absolutely BATSHIT climax of the movie gives the guys an embarrassment of riches in stuff to riff on.
  Mayor Silverdale, (cackling insanely as his henchmen are overwhelmed by rioting townsfolk): HAHAHAHAHA! FELLOW CITIZENS—
  Mike (as Mayor Silverdale): —we have to restore some sanity here! Please fill your underpants with baked beans and run around screaming "I KILLED THE KAISER!"

Gumby: The Movie

Gumby: The Movie

• Bill's exasperated, disbelieving "What?!?" when Gumby turns into a small army of mini-Gumbys.
• "Yeah, nothing says rock and roll! like a gazebo."
• When Goo manages to use her stretchy body to tie up the Blockhead Brothers, this ability coming on top of her being able to fly and spit balls of, well, goo, the riffers declare her as more powerful than The Avengers combined and the real star of the movie.
• In a Brick Joke, Mike sarcastically asking Gumby if he has any other songs glorifying himself during the Clayboys' big music video number (a love song addressed to Gumby) is answered yes with the end credits song, which is also about Gumby. Mike is admittedly impressed.

Grizzly

Grizzly

• The Vanity Plate for Film Ventures International:
  Bill: FVI — Fruit Vertically Introduced... (Full name appears)...oh. (Mike and Kevin snicker.)
• Kevin: (as Inigo Montoya) Hello! My name is Edward L. Montoro. You watched my "Grizzly" movie. Prepare to die!
• The title card appears over a cheerful orchestral overture.
  Mike: Y'know, it's just one exclamation point away from being a musical that I actually wouldn't mind seeing!
• In the climax, the grizzly swipes at a man on a horse; the next cut is the horse's decapitated head falling off.
  Kevin: The bear knows Godfather-fu!
  • Soon after, the man is also swiped at, but merely has scratch marks on his face.
  Mike: Good thing a human's neck is much stronger than a horse's.

The Guy From Harlem

The Guy from Harlem

• Everything involving Harry:
  • Especially his very odd speech patterns:
    Harry: I'm HERE to see Al Connors.
    Kevin (as Harry): I'm hoping he can HELP me conTROL the VOLume of my VOICE.
  • While the hero is talking to him over the phone.
    Mike: I would kill a man to hear Harry's side of this conversation.
  • Harry: I came to see you today for two reasons. Two very important reason to me and my happiness. One...is kind of personal.
    Mike: (shaking with laughter) He ran out of momentum fast that time.
  • When Al demands $25,000 for the job and Harry casually tosses him an envelope of $5,000 to start with:
    Kevin: I carry envelopes of all denominations on my person. One's full of blood diamonds! You really should have aimed higher.
  • Called back a few minutes later:
    Bill: He walks slowly because he's carrying the equivalent of Brazil's GDP at all times.
• Al orders room service:
  Al: This is suite 304. We'd like to have two New York strip steaks. Well done.
  Kevin (as waiter): Are you insane, sir? What kind of idiot orders a New York strip well-done?!
  Al: And bring a bottle of some scotch. J and B.
  Kevin (as waiter): What the...? Sir, would you like a real scotch? J and B is literally the worst... (Al hangs up)
  Bill (as Al): I hope you like really tough, burnt meat and shitty scotch!
• When the scene quickly fades to black and then immediately cuts to a new scene.
  Mike: Guy From Harlem will return after— And we're back.
• The massage scene:
  Princess: I really could use a good massage!
  Mike: Heh heh... (starts making porno music sounds)
  Al: Okay. I'll call for a masseuse.
  Mike: Wait, what? No, you idiot; you did that completely wrong — get back in there! Haven't you ever seen one of these?!
• The "fight scenes" in the film are laughable at best, but when Al basically puts a guy in an arm lock and somehow it renders him unconscious, the guys can't help but chuckle.
• After rendering a guard unconscious, there is a long take of Al slowly dragging him into the bushes, but not enough that he's totally hidden. The actor is then seen trying to tie the small tree limbs together to finish obscuring the body, but since they're small branches, they simply snap back into place untied. The actor then shrugs and waves a hand at it in a "who cares" gesture that somehow got left in the movie.
  Mike: (seeing the "who cares" gesture) The entire movie summed up in one gesture.
• "I've got the money, the coke, and a picture of your daughter."
  Mike: Time to whack it like it's never been whacked before!
• After one of the damsels makes a strange sound after Al creepily approaches her and finally reveals he's there to rescue her, Kevin notes: "Hey, she just used Norman's catch phrase: unnnnnnnngh!"
• "Ladies and gentlemen, Small Boobed Jessica Simpson."
  • Brick Joke: "I'll take you to Small Boobed Jessica Simpson's apartment. She loves it when I bring threatened women there. (the scene cuts back in to reveal that's exactly what Al did) "Wait, he actually did it?! I was kidding!"

Hawk The Slayer

Hawk the Slayer

• The fact Jack Palance calls someone who looks almost the same age his father.
  Mike: Eldest son?! Did he have him when he was three?!
  Hawk: (calling from outside) Father?
  Kevin: Is Almost Father with you?
• When Ranulf the one-handed warrior reaches the (matte painting of) the Church's Holy Fortress:
  Bill: (solemn narration) Is it a Pizza Hut? Is it a KFC? Weary traveler, it is both!
• When Palance is particularly hammy:
  Mike: Man, how does the scenery taste, Jack?
• When someone is heard screaming from off-screen:
  Kevin: Ah, no, one of the film investors walked in.
  Mike: (as investor) My money! AHHHH!!!
• During a battle sequence, Bill sums up the film's weird morals:
  Bill: "Meanwhile the comic relief dwarf is messily devouring the heart of a fallen enemy, forcing his captive comrades to watch while cackling that 'they're next!' You know, fun."
• The guys being utterly elated that The Scrappy dwarf is gut-stabbed and dies. They note that he basically contributed nothing anyway and will not be missed, especially since the actor is also The Scrappy in Prisoners of the Lost Universe.
• Drogo sinisterly yet cryptically declares that Hawk will soon see "who's the lord of the dance":
  Kevin: Michael Flatley's headband lights up, sounding Red Alert!
• At the very end, they have "the poorly animated hawk" handing out some announcements during the credits. All is going fine until the very end where it starts on a personal message:
  Bill (as the hawk): Folks, things aren't always black and white: Hitler had some good ideas too...
  Mike and Kevin: (sounds of panicked scrambling) KILL THE MIC! KILL THE MIC!

The Hideous Sun Demon

The Hideous Sun Demon

• Mike chuckles at the main character's freak out in one scene, calling it "full Ren and Stimpy-style yelling".
• The scene after he's transformed and stands up and for some strange reason, the back of the actors' pants are soaking wet. The guys find it so distracting that they joke about it for the entire climax.
• The scene where he kills the dog is absolutely not funny, but what is funny is the guys pretending he meant to pet the dog and just did it all wrong. For reference, he picks the dog up and throws it violently to the ground, then punches it a bunch of times.
• They give the mother in this film absolute hell for her incredibly thoughtless behavior. Her daughter wants to go outside, but the news has just reported that a killer is on the loose, so she insists the child stay put indoors. The kid then goes outside anyway and what does the mother do? Call out to her, but she doesn't even open the door or run out after the child. This results in the little girl later finding the main lead, who thankfully is back in his human form, and briefly befriending him before she returns home and tells her mother she's getting cookies for her "new friend" and eventually, her mother realizes she met a strange man and then the kid runs away again to warn him that the authorities are closing in. This time, the negligent mother at least calls the cops and then they give chase, but lucky for her, he doesn't harm her daughter before going on the run.

Honor and Glory

Honor and Glory

• During a sparring scene between Joyce and Mickey, Kevin makes an Incredibly Lame Pun, and in response, Mike hits him in the crotch with a crowbar so hard, he doesn't register the pain for almost six minutes afterwards.
• Mike chuckling during the climactic fight scene where one of the villains is kicking one of the heroes on the floor.
  Bill: Unless they show him falling from four different camera angles, I don't believe it happened!
  Jake: (falls onto bad guy with his leg from three different camera angles)
  Bill: I said FOUR!
  Mike: (chuckles)
• This exchange when their father John sees Tracy, who is blonde with a bowl cut hairstyle and is in a magenta 90s pantsuit:
  Mike: I love your Hillary Clinton cosplay!
• When Joyce is visited by Jake, a black man wearing sunglasses:
  Joyce: I don't mean to sound prejudiced, but...
  Mike: Whoa!
  Joyce: I don't like taking advice from a blind man.
  Mike: Wait, what?
  Jake: (takes off his sunglasses) Look, I just came by to let you know that I've seen some things that have been opening my eyes.
  Joyce: You mean about Slade.
  Kevin: Yeah, can we get back to—do you think everyone wearing sunglasses is blind?
• The Running Gag of Jason Slade dismissing a prayer breakfast with ex-president Reagan. Made funnier by the actual line itself, "To hell with that old bastard."
• The climax has Joyce and Tracy's dad John being held hostage by Jason Slade in a random warehouse and Slade's men douse him in gasoline and Slade is about to light him on fire with a cigar, but then Jake interrupts. Slade tells his men to spread out, search, and kill him, but when they draw their guns, he insists the warehouse is "full of explosives" and the guys are baffled since he was about to barbecue an old man in there seconds ago.
• After Jake leaves when Jason Slade is about to kill Silk and is walking around:
  Bill: He's going to go visit his brother, Almost Charlie Murphy.
• After Silk's body is found and removed by EMTs, the photographer keeps snapping pictures of the ground, which prompts the following:
  Kevin: (chuckling) Does the photographer know they moved the body?
  Mike: Maybe she wants to know who murdered this grass.
• After Jason Slade and his mooks beat the living shit out of John Pride, the good guys show up to save him and the following happens:
  Tracy: Dad, are you okay?
  John: Tracy. Joyce. Yeah, I'm okay.
  Mike, as John: Blood's poolin' on my brain, but I'm totally good!
• At one point, Kevin starts saying "Hadouken!" Bill is impressed by the reference, until Kevin clarifies that it was just him clearing his throat...and that the phlegm came out like a fireball.

The House on Sorority Row

The House on Sorority Row

• Over a montage of group photos of the sorority members over the years, with very little effort expended to make Mrs. Slater look younger in the earlier photos:
  Bill: Where's Jack Nicholson in a tuxedo? He's gotta be in here somewhere.
  Mike: Honestly, I have no idea if it's supposed to be a spooky reveal that she looks the same age in all these photos, or just lazy filmmaking.
  Kevin: Uh, do you care?
  Mike: Fortunately, I do not.
• The Running Gag of Gandalf showing up to help riff the movie.
  Vicky: (throws a stone into the unspeakably dirty pool) We can't swim in the damn thing anyway, what's the difference?
  Mike: (as Gandalf) You've awoken the Watcher in the Water! Now we must pass through the Miiines of Moria—
  Bill: Shoo, Gandalf, shoo!
• As Vicky forces Mrs. Slater into the pool at gunpoint:
  Bill: Get in Nick Nolte's pool!
  Mike: (as Nolte) "Oh, a filly like her is always welcome!"
  (after climbing out and attacking Vicky, Slater gets shot by accident and falls back into the pool; several of the sorority sisters jump in to fish her out)
  Kevin: "Tell senior coffee discounts I love them—blblblbl!"
  Mike: (still as Nolte) "Hey, the more the merrier—just steer clear of m'dead muskrat collection!"

I Believe in Santa Claus

I Believe in Santa Claus

• When the kids first arrive in Finland, the girl questions the boy’s logic in attempting to find Santa by blindly wandering around in the woods.
  Bill: Women, right? Always like, “this seems fatally stupid,” bla bla bla...
• Santa’s sleigh winds up right alongside the wing of a jumbo jet.
  Kevin: ...And into the jet engine they go. [makes grinding noises]
  • "There's a Kringle on the wing of the plane!"
• Though disliking the heat in Africa, Santa balks at the idea of taking off his trademark coat.
  Santa: Imagine Santa in shirt sleeves.
  Kevin (as Santa): May as well go to a beach in Florida, soil my pants, and mumble like a lunatic.
  • "And then the fairy was forced into a marriage by a pervy old mole from New York."
• The Running Gag of Santa's increasing irritation over the kids wanting to hear about how Ernest saved Christmas.
• Amid sudden gunfire: "It's Timon and Pumbaa, and they're done with this 'Hakuna Matata' bullshit."

Icebreaker

• During the opening scene, one of the terrorists holds a pilot at gunpoint to help transport a nuclear weapon, and in a desperate attempt to stop him, the pilot is then killed as the plane starts to lose altitude.
  Kevin: (as the terrorist) Uh, cooler, you were a pilot, right?
  Bill: (as the cooler containing the nuclear device) Eh, that was a long time ago, man...
• Stacy Keach's character, Bill, delivers the word "time-share" in an unusually dramatic fashion. The riffers can't let it go.
  Kevin: I'm legendary actor Stacy Keach, and I can even make the word "time-share" seem interesting.
  (later)
  Matt: I'd like to marry your daughter.
  Movie!Bill: Really? Well, let me tell you something, young man.
  Riff!Bill: The proper way to pronounce "time-share."
• As the gang of terrorists infiltrate the, uh, Vermont ski resort:^note The movie was directed by Rutland native David Giancola, of Time Chasers fame. No, we don't know how he got Stacy Keach or Bruce Campbell for it, either.
  Mike: 'Kay, if anybody asks, we're the band Garbage.
• As Sean Astin's character knocks out one of the terrorists by using his backpack as a makeshift weapon:
  Bill: Don't move, THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOUR BACK!
• The terrorists are all dressed in black... except for one guy in black-and white snow camouflage.
  (Matt skis past a group of terrorists and swipes one of their radios; Camouflage Guy gives chase)
  Mike: Go, Cow-Man! Use your bovine powers!
  Matt: Oh, shit!
  Bill: "Is that Cow-Man behind me? I'm doomed!"
• The fussy, Small Name, Big Ego resort manager shoots one of the terrorists, saving Matt and Meg.
  Kevin: (in an Arnie accent) If you were a skier, you'd be Body Miller!
• During the obligatory "cops and media move in after all the bad guys are dead" scene:
  Tilly the resort clerk: You see, a terrorist attack is actually a non-refundable act of God.
  Kevin: Kind of like an Edgewood Studios movie.
  Bill: Hate you, God.

In the Line of Duty 2: The Super Cops

Yes, Madam

• After the action-packed opening sequence, which concludes with a truck crashing through a stage and plunging into the lagoon behind it:
  Bill: Guys, is this the greatest movie I've ever seen?
  Mike: Green screens and CGI should be tried at the Hague.
• During a big action sequence with elaborate fight choreography:
  Mike: Barney Miller was a cop; how come he never did stuff like this? (Bill and Kevin chuckle)
• When the two comic-relief thieves are confronted and threatened by a thug with an extremely silly, high-pitched dubbed voice:
  Kevin: (as the thug) Sometimes people don't take me seriously because of my voice, but I will gut you like a fish!

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant

• As the two mad scientists knock out someone with chloroform so they have a subject for their experiment:
  Mike: You know, Beaker and Honeydew could have done this with a single mallet blow.
• During the second half of the movie, one of the mad scientists has his wife bound and gagged so she won't be able to tell anyone about the titular experiment, even resorting to drugging her so she'll be knocked unconscious and stay quiet. Kevin soon points out how the guy with two heads is somehow less disturbing than the domestic abuse featured earlier.

Jack Frost

Jack Frost (1997)

• The Running Gag about the guys repeating some of the strange one-liners the characters in the movie use, mainly "Christ-salting dog" and "Made in America"
• Once Jack reassembles himself into a looking like deformed snowman after being blown up:
  Jack: Look, Ma! I'm a Picasso!
  Bill: (As Jack) I reflect the horrors of the Spanish Civil War!
• After Jack breaks into a building in the form of a giant snowball:
  Mike: (As Jack)Oh uh, I can do this now. Why not?
• The Running Gag about "Golden Corral's new slogan" reaches its zenith during this film, when it's delivered in response to an extended shot of a man vomiting to death.
  Bill: [laughing]] S'the ultimate...
• When Sam is dunking his son in the antifreeze so that Jack Frost's hand will die, they observe that the town has a weird baptism ritual.

Jack-o

Jack-O

• Early in the film, Sean's dad tells him, "Time for bed, Sean Kelly." The riffers immediately note how odd it is for a dad to call their son by their full name and make fun of this numerous times.
  Bill: Sean Kelly, did you pray to God Kelly?
• As Dad and Vivian talk about the Kelly family history.
  Sean: Quiet! I can't hear the movie!
  Mike: People have been saying that to us for years.

The Journey: Absolution

• The "ass" Running Gag, started because a few characters said the word, plus there's a locker room scene towards the beginning where a character walks by with his bare butt exposed.
  Mike: "Watch your ass, because your ass is writing ass checks that your ass account can't cover, you ass."
  • The trio also have a lot of fun with Sergeant Bradley, especially his Suddenly Shouting tendencies.
  Bradley: The CHOSEN. FEW!!!
  Mike: Gah!
  Kevin: (chuckles) He needs a meds check, ASAP!
• The rampant and unsubtle homoerotic Fanservice, with many shots of muscular shirtless men wrestling, marching through corridors in their skivvies in slow motion, sweatily working out, et cetera, does not go unnoticed.
  Kevin: [as one shirtless muscular man pins another against a wall] I feel like there's a director's cut of this movie that's only available on hotel Pay-Per-View.
  Mike: [during a workout montage] So is wearing shirts a punishment for these guys, or a reward?
• The fact that Mike, Bill, and Kevin can't do much more than laugh in disbelief when Sergeant Bradley orders his minions to go after the protagonist and "check every inch of every shit he has."

Kill and Kill Again

Kill and Kill Again

• All the secondary good guys have in-universe nicknames. "The Fly" proves the trickiest one to track down and recruit. The hero asks multiple times where he is, inspiring such riffs as "You try Brundle in the White Pages?" and "Well, first we must travel to the set of In Living Color! and meet his girls..."
• "He just realized that Hot Dog, Gorilla and The Fly would make a great morning zoo team!"

Kiss Of The Tarantula

Kiss of the Tarantula

• "Fearsome tarantula at your service! Now where's the worm or small lizard that you want dead?"
  • "I-I honestly don't know that to do here. Is there a beetle on this lady you want me to eat?"
• Bo's death scene, in particular Bo's hammy, panicked screaming.
  Bo: (devolves into whiny blubbering)
  Bill (snickering): Didn't take him long to go full Cowardly Lion.
  Kevin (as The Cowardly Lion): CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!
  Bo: (begins making...frankly bizarre noises)
  Mike (laughing): Transition into the Revenge of the Nerds laugh!
  Bo: (full-voiced screaming)
  Bill: My reaction when I go to McDonald's and they tell me that the McRib is NOT back.
• The guys rightfully mocking the insane girl's naming of one of her precious spiders: Jennifer. It's impossible to take the spiders seriously as a deadly threat—even though they're not capable of killing a full sized human given that they have very small amounts of venom in their bites—after finding out she gives them regular human names like Jennifer.
• The last scene in which her disgusting uncle—who has been trying to blackmail/rape her the entire time—falls down the stairs chasing her and is paralyzed, so she sticks him inside a coffin to be buried alive. During this scene, the guys conclude the actor was paid every time he says her name, as he says it dozens of times while trying to beg her not to bury him alive.
• The guys rightfully mocking how one teen girl seems to think her boyfriend's has EIGHT fingers covered in hair in order for her to think he is "tickling" her during the car makeout when Susan fills the car with spiders to get revenge on the bully teens.

Laser Mission

Laser Mission

• Over footage of a tied-up, ashamed looking Ernest Borgnine: "I wet 'em."

The Last Slumber Party

The Last Slumber Party

• The girls are wondering where one of their (unknowingly murdered) friends went:
  Chris: El Creepo seems to have vanished into thin air.
  Bill: Terry Richardson spontaneously combusted?! Hooray!
• After seeing a Sesame Street poster on the bedroom wall:
  Bill: This poster showing up in such a terrible movie may have been what killed Mr. Hooper.

The Last Shark

The Last Shark

• The Radio DJ trash talks Wells on-air:
  Wells Jr.: What does he have against my old man?
  Bill: Well, creating you for once...
• After Wells' idiotic plan to take a pilot out and catch the oversized shark himself using rare meat and a line fails and the shark bites his legs off, we get this gem:
  Mike: (as Wells in an underwater voice, sinking to the bottom of the ocean, leg-less) Throw down some Band-Aids, Bernie!
• After Peter and Not Quint's argument about who will go down to kill the shark, Peter starts angrily helping Not Quint into his scuba pack.
  Bill (as Peter): Just want to make sure you're fucking safe because I fucking cherish you!
• The fact that the shark roars every single time it surfaces despite the fact that sharks don't have vocal cords.
• When the shark hits the guy's boat from below and he shoots 40 feet into the air. What truly sells it is that the shot is not at all composed to conceal that it's a dummy—it is entirely stiff, motionless, and not facing the camera, which just makes it even damn funnier. The guys applaud the ridiculous notion that the shark jettisoned the guy so high up and are even disappointed when the shark hits a boat in the finale, but its occupant does not shoot 40 feet into the air.
• The guys mocking the movie's blatant ripping off of Jaws, but especially since the writers were so uncreative that they treat a windsurfing regata as if it would draw a crowd of thousands and that's why they refuse to shut the activity down when the shark starts eating people. Bonus since Wells claims it took an entire year to plan, when it's just a bunch of windsurfers gathered on a beach with vendors nearby. There is nothing complicated or complex about it that would take a year of planning.
• During the climactic scene, when the shark pulls a section of a pier out into the water with several people on it, then starts chewing at it:
  Mike: (fondly) That's how my old man would do it. Every time he caught me taking a bite out of a pier, jetty, or wharf, he'd sit there and make me eat the whole thing until I was sick.
• A character off-handedly mentions another character named Ed Glover who goes fishing using grenades and the guys insisting the movie should be a biopic about Ed Glover instead.

Magic Christmas Tree

The Magical Christmas Tree

• The Running Gag of how this Christmas movie takes place at neither a time or place that one associates with Christmas^note It starts on Halloween and ends on Christmas Eve, but takes place in either southern California or Florida where it does not snow in December.
• The riffers treating Ichabod the turtle as the movie's Only Sane Man.
  Mark: (Pulling Ichabod out of a drawer) Wake up, Ichabod!
  Bill (as Ichabod): Hey, kid, you know that turtles occasionally need food, air, and exercise, right?
  Mark: C'mon, wake up!
  Bill (as Ichabod): I am about to die, You Monster!!
• When Bumbling Dad Henry exclaims, "Good grief!"
  Mike: Charlie Brown and Lucy: The Married Years.
• The idea that Henry can only see trees that he planted and the warning that he should probably never go skiing.
• The Running Gag of the family doing nothing to prepare for any upcoming holiday until it's nearly too late, culminating with voicing the mother's plans to buy Mark a Halloween costume on Christmas Eve.
• Every riff that turns the magic Christmas tree into a Memetic Molester.
• The baker chasing one of his workers in order to throw a pie into her face.
  Kevin (as the worker): You don't understand, he's vowed to murder me!
  Bill (as the baker): I'm going to murder you!
• Henry searches the ground for any clues on what made the Christmas tree vanish from the back yard.
  Mike: A Hobbit lay here! And the other...
• The Bond villain voice Bill uses to address Santa Claus.
• It Makes Sense in Context:
  Mark: I am not your little boy!
  Giant: You are my little boy!
  Bill: Merry Christmas, everybody!
• Magic Christmas Tree: Well, boy, it looks like this is the end of the line for us.
  Mike: WHAT?!

The Magic Sword

The Magic Sword

• A Call-Back to Jack the Giant Killer:
  Kevin: (when George wakes up) Mmm. He's hoping no one heard him muttering "Seize the bone, Jack!" in his sleep.
• Kevin: This dragon could get its ass kicked by Pete's Dragon!
• The guys making fun of Cybil's very unnervingly tight dress and enormous, prominent breasts, considering the fact that the actress appears to be close to elderly.
• Mocking George for watching the princess bathe through the viewing pool without her prior consent or knowledge and insisting he's in love with her despite creeping on her constantly and her never having met him before.
• The scene where the knights call out for each other at an ungodly loud volume.
• RiffTrax's Nick Nolte Running Gag appears again as the One-and-a-Half-th Curse of Lodac during the long ride through a swamp in the film. The riffers improvise a skit where the knights are almost trapped by the sheer Bile Fascination "Nolte" inspires.
• The skit the guys do of the brownies rescuing George and demanding payment for doing so, but George just leaves them while stiffing the bill for his rescue.
• The bizarre instance where the villain very clearly introduces himself as Rodac, but then he and every other character proceed to call him Lodac for the entire rest of the film. The guys are baffled.
• The guys just outright laugh at Lodac's demise, which is Cybil easily stealing the ring off his finger, turning herself into a panther, and mauling him to death.
• Any shot they take at George's knights' incredibly fake accents, but especially the "Irish" knight.
• Anytime they mock Lodac's silly headscarf.

Martial Law

• During a tense standoff, where a gang of hostage-takers have requested pizzas as part of negotiations:
  Beat cop: What do we do, sir?
  Detective: Get the goddamn pizzas. What are you, new?
  Mike: That's how Papa Johns welcomes every employee.
  • Shortly after that:
    Gangster: She goes out when the food comes in.
    Kevin: I say that when I poop!
    Bill: "She," huh Kevin?
• David Carradine's character is introduced.
  Mike: Heard you were makin' a crappy movie!
  Dalton: You'll find I'm really not a hard person to please.
  Bill: Rope, necktie, extension cord—I'm not picky.
• Dalton's office has a strange painting:
  Dalton: You know what the problem with you is, Michael? Lack of instinct. A good fighter if you don't have the stomach to follow through.
  Bill: (as Dalton) "Betcha don't even a weird red face on your wall. You're WEAK!"

McBain

• This exchange early in the film.
  Bill: Well, be thankful that at least it's not Thunderdome.
  Kevin: Look, can't we get...
  Mike: Don't!... You dare.
  Bill: Thank you.
• "When Mormons go speedboating."
• When McBain chastises his old war buddy for not wanting to join him on the mission, the argument he uses is that, despite being really wealthy, he's still not happy and helping out an old friend would do so. He notes that he has a bunch of fancy cars and a beautiful woman swimming in his pool, and yet all he seems to do is drink while looking at the ocean. "You having fun yet?"
  Mike: (as friend) "It's 8:15 AM! You want me to be blowing lines off strippers?!"
• When a villager throws a pitchfork at a helicopter.
  Bill: Mike, isn't that what you do when you see a helicopter?
  Mike: Helicopter?
  Bill: Sorry. I meant devil spinny bird!
  Mike: What?! Where?! Give me my pitchfork!
• After McBain kills the dictator.
  Bill: Well. I suppose I've got time for a quick game of Didi Mao with De Niro."
• We see El Presidente using a bat to beat a mook tied to the ceiling. There’s a knock at the door:
  El Presidente: COME IN!
  Bill (as El Presidente): This lousy piñata’s full of blood and poop, anyway.

Megaforce

Megaforce

• When a scene has background music similar to the theme of The Great Escape:
  Mike: Soundtrack from The Kind-of-Meh Escape.
• "It's Barry Gibbo the Clown!"
• After doing a tank simulation.
  Zara: Well, Commander. Perfect score. What else would you like to see me do to prove I'm ready to go on this mission?
  Kevin (as Ace): (solemnly) Computer - load Battletoads.
• During the final battle, Mike compares the tank versus Cool Bike action to when Excite Bike invaded Scorched Earth during "The Great NES - Shareware Wars of '91."
• Also during the final battle, when Bill and Mike renact a conversation between Michael Bay and Adolf Hitler offering a cocaine-fueled critique of the movie.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

• As Grandpa exposits briefly about the enmity between Merlin and Morgana.
  Mike: (as Grandpa) I tried pitching that story to the network, but they said it was dumber than my usual efforts.
• Everyoen is dismayed that they don’t get to see David and his kid at the theme park.
• Grandpa towards the end when he lays his sleeping grandson on the couch: "My goodness, you've grown big."
  Kevin: Ernest is talking to his own ass.
  Bill: (as grandpa) "I wonder what he'll wake up screaming about first: Dead dogs or dead cats."
• Mike has Borgnine’s story continue over the credits.
  Mike: (as Borgnine) The Grandson was played by Mark Hurtardo. Hey, Billy. That’s you.//

Bill: (as Billy) Grandpa, I was asleep.

Miami Connection

Miami Connection

• "Go to hell, From Here to Eternity kiss. We got this now."
• "Hey, I just stole this car from Ferris Bueller's friend's dad!"
• "You know guys, we should just become a Human Centipede and never separate!"
• Showing the guys at home:
  Kevin: (to the tune of "Friends Through Eternity") Friends through eternity, / sharing the utilities, / picking pubic hairs / from the sooooap!
• During one of the gym scenes:
  Kevin: Orlando Fitness: Our locker rooms have the dangliest old man sacks in town.
• The movie has a LOT of Padding moments where the camera is focused on extras who clearly have no lines written and are "improv-ing" and the crown jewel of these awful moments is when an extra dubbed World's Largest Baby ("wah") says, "BYE-BYEEEEEEEEEEEE~!" to the female character as she leaves.
  Mike: History has not yet concluded, but we already 100% have the worst line reading of all time.
• When Jim stares creepily at the two leads kissing from mere inches away:
  Bill: (high pitched Jim voice) Gonna put that in the Spank Bank for later!
• Jim's bizarre, infamous "I found my father! Oh my GOD!" line is met with just outright laughter both in the regular riff and in the live show.
• This gem:
  Random Mook: (motions to the guy lighting a cigarette) Give me some of that shit.
  Bill: "Give me some of that shit": Golden Corral's new slogan!
• As the leader of the, ahem, dope dealing, motorcycle riding ninjas, walks into his dojo, he is the only one in white and the rest of the ninjas are in black.
  Bill, as the leader: Oh? We're wearing black today? Thanks for telling me, dicks.
• During a fight scene, Y.K. Kim whacks a guy in the neck with a broken pipe and for some reason, it tears a chunk of his throat out.
  Mike: WHY IS YOUR PIPE SO SHAAAAAAARP?!
• When the grief-stricken Y.K. sprints over to Jim, who has a gaping samurai sword chest wound and screams his name:
  Bill, as Y.K.: That suit was expensive!
• During a particularly Dull Surprise bit of acting from one of the Dragon Sound members:

  Bill: Did we miss this guy taking a roundhouse kick DIRECTLY to the head?

Mikey

• Joking how Mikey is a hack, because he kills his victims the same way every time: Electrocuting them in water. ^Note(though he also uses a bow and arrow and, towards the end, an explosion)

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

• Over a scene of several henchwomen sitting in silence in a big room, looking at something on the floor:
  Bill: So, what are we looking at here? Something very normal, I assume. (pan down to the floor, where another woman—possibly Sumuru?—is strangling some sap with her thighs) Yep, totally normal!
  Kevin: He's Sumuru, right?
  Bill: "Okay, so like we agreed, it's fifty grand for the choking and another ten grand for each girl watching."
• Nick West confronts three women posing as hospital staff, and they produce various Noodle Implements to threaten him with.
  Kevin: Oh God, not the barbecue tongs!
  West: Now look, ladies, my Blue Cross is all paid up!
  (He gets attacked from behind and drugged by another woman in a wimple)
  Bill: Miss Clavel dreamed of doing this when Madeline wouldn't shut up.
  (Scene transition; Nick awakes with a loud gasp)
  Mike: This is an out-of-network provider!
• Carter (Frankie Avalon's character) barges into West's hospital room, with what appears to be a bouquet of cactus plants.
  Carter: A token of my esteem! Where do you want me to put it?
  Bill: Well, I got one idea.
• Over another scene of Sumuru's minions sitting awkwardly in a big room:
  Mike: When the "paint-n-sip" class forgets the wine... And the paint.
• Bill keeping a tally of exactly how many eyes Sumuru has, as her agents are killed or switch sides.
  • On that note:
    Mike: Hey, pal, my million eyes are up here.
• After West performs an incredibly lame "Hey, You!" Haymaker on a henchwoman he'd been making out with:
  Mike: (exasperated) That's not how punching works!
  (The henchwoman is brought to Sumuru for the obligatory You Have Failed Me scene)
  Sumuru: Give me the gun.
  Kevin: I'm going to hold it, and you weirdly turn your head into it.
  (Sumuru knocks her to the floor)
  Henchwoman: My lady!
  Bill: (copying her accent) That's not how you use a gun!
• West tries his hand at being witty again... well, the good news is, it gives the guys some material to work with.
  West: Well, what's new at the Dracula factory?
  Mike: Terrible pick-up line!
  (later)
  West: Now what seems to be your problem of the day, my lady?
  Kevin: Are the Dracula factory workers unionizing?
  (later)
  Carter: (to Helga, who is wearing only a towel) Well, what'd you have in mind?
  Mike: Gonna show me your Dracula factory?
  Bill: (audibly shudders) Bad euphemism...
• Helga escapes after failing to kill President Boong, and goes to Carter for help.
  Kevin: He's answering the door armed and shirtless, so apparently we're watching Cops now.
  Carter: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. (shrugs) Nah.
  Bill: 'Kay, for anyone under the age of sixty, that was a "meta-joke."
• Over a scene of the Hong Kong Police taking a boat to confront Sumuru:
  Kevin: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip/A million eyes and a horny guy and a movie that was (BLEEP).
  • During the final showdown:
    Kevin: God, have we even hit a single guy?
    Bill: I dunno, Cindy's shooting wrong!
    Mike: Bite me, Tina!

Neutron the Atomic Superman Vs. the Death Robots

• The introduction of our, ahem, hero.
  TV announcer: This is the mysterious agent, Neutron.
  Mike: AKA Strong Bad.
• Mike: We return to AMC's Breaking AY DIOS MIO!
• While Neutron and Dr. Caronte wrestle in his lab.
  Bill: Hey, hey, Neutron. Do you ever feel we resolve our conflict this way not because we choose to, but instead due to some cultural expectation put upon us because of the way we're dressed? Like, do we wear these masks or do these masks wear us? Y'know?
  Mike: I hear what you're saying, and, friend, while I do respect your analytical perspective, it's impossible to ignore the underlying issues of PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!
  • Kevin then ponders why no one is using the gun that was brought into the lab.
    Mike: This fight choreographed by two eight year olds mashing the "A" button over and over again.
• When Dr. Caronte attempts a lame We Can Rule Together ploy on Neutron:
  Kevin: Hm, not working. Why not try a "We're not so different, you and I"?
  • (Of course, Caronte then invokes Taking You with Me. Neutron is embarrassingly Trope Overdosed.)
• "Hi, Mark."
  Bill: Oh please, the only proper way to greet a Mark is: "Oh, haaaaaiiiiii Mark!"
• When dwarf Nick is leading the, ahem, "robots":
  Mike: This movie would be 5,000 percent better if Nick referred to the robots as "his bitches".
• Kevin: So far, this has more laughs than Nacho Libre.
  Bill: I don't think it's a comedy.
  Kevin: I never said it was.
• Mike's translation of the heroine's singing, which switches wildly from lamenting her dead goldfish to trying to decide what car she should buy to claiming that all Belgians are secretly lizard-people and should be shot on sight:
  Kevin: (sobs) Poor little goldfish...
  • Another translation:
    Mike: Oh, she's calling her sister a fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. (sings) Fat sack of gaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaarbage!
  • By the third time, Bill has given up and is whispering to Mike during his translation, "That's nice, Mike. What else?"
• When the police chief asks if they heard of any news, Kevin unleashes an almost deadly Incredibly Lame Pun.
  Kevin: Sir, this is hardly the time to worry about the state of a herding subspecies of the antelope family.^note Gnus, get it?
  Bill: (under his breath as Kevin giggles at the badness of his own pun) Oh... man... whew.... hate you...
• The ending seems unusually bleak:
  Inspector Lozano: Well, boys, what do you think Neutron would say about this?
  (All three silently fidget as the music swells to a crescendo)
  Mike: (Confused, prompting) Huh? Wh-what do you think he'd say? Maybe just... sit uncomfortably, not even a smile for the audience — maybe just sorta let the movie slowly s-sputter out and, and die?
  (Title card "THE END" appears)
  Kevin: Huh. Well.
  Bill: ...Ssssee you next time, everybody?

The Night Dracula Saved the World

• A familiar looking character steps out of the mist.
  Kevin: BRAIN GUY?! Wow!
  Bill: What am I doing there?!

Night of the Lepus

Night of the Lepus

• The riffers' impression of rabbits trying to get through a wire-mesh fence during the prologue. "Sonuva-! Ow!"
  Bill: (As rabbit charging fence from stage left) None of these guys got through, but I'll be able to—sonuva--!
• Over stock footage of a rabbit cull:
  Mike: An entire army of Fudds! (all three mimic Elmer Fudd's laugh)
• "Lepus" is an Inherently Funny Word.
  Kevin: (watching helicopter shot of a rancher riding a horse, singing) He's the Lepus Kid, he rides his steed, across the plains! No one knows what "lepus" means, it's an unfortunate name! Lepus Kid! Whoa!
  • Calling back to an earlier joke about the writers giving up and having characters say "LEPUS EQUALS RABBIT" during some clumsy foreshadowing of why the Freak Lab Accident will cause a population explosion of Giant Killer Bunny Rabbits.
• The scientist's daughter gets an invitation from the rancher's son to visit Captain Billy, an apparently grizzled old man living nearby who sets off so many red flags that Kevin is telling the girl to call the authorities in minutes. Nick Nolte makes a cameo as Billy in a riff a few scenes later.
• During the autopsy of a giant-rabbit mauling victim:
  Sheriff: So, what have we got here? Vampires?
  Examiner: Possibly.
  Mike: Wait, what?! (Bill snickers)
  Examiner: Frankly, sheriff, off the top of my head, the only thing that could have caused this sort of destruction would have been a saber-toothed tiger.
  Mike: You're not really a doctor, are you?
• This leads to a running gag, about the movie characters' confusion as to what kind of creature is terrorizing the area.
  Mike: Morlocks, d'you think?
  Kevin: Giant rabbits!
  Mike: Right, right, sorry.

The Phantom Creeps

The Phantom Creeps

• The riffers were annoyed that Stock Footage of The Hindenburg disaster was used as part of Dr. Zorka's final spree of destruction.
  Kevin: Ah, sure, the Hindenburg was a real disaster where real people died, but special effects are expensive and newsreel footage is cheap as hell.
  Bill: Next they screen the Zapruder film, then attend a Budd Dwyer press conference.

Pressure Point

• Bill hoping the film is nothing but the main character travelling to places and then quickly leaving.
• The riffers have a lot of fun with Ambassador Ramirez's Just a Stupid Accent, especially during his rhetoric against the GAAAAAHVernment.
  Bill: "Ah'm a foreigner! Mama mia, sacre bleu!
  Kevin: As a GAAAAAHVernment official, I hate the GAAAAAHVernment.
• Ramirez's speech continues:
  Ramirez: We must act responsibly, but we must act.
  Kevin: Well, this is an Edgewood movie, sooo nobody acts.
• They also get quite a bit of mileage out of the leading man being, shall we say, not a classically handsome movie hero.^note Basically, imagine if Roberto Benigni had been cast in Austin Powers and never realized that it was a parody.
  Sebastian's wife: There is a part of you that is very ugly.
  Mike: Nnnnnnnn a PART?!
  Bill: ...Very generous of her.
• Commenting on the main character's loose-fitting prison outfit: "Did he ask for the Michael Clark Duncan?"
• "Bernie Sanders is gonna be president."
• The "sick burn"^note brought to you by Budweiser one of the local thugs levies against Sebastian: "Do they make that shirt for men, too?", which promptly becomes a Running Gag for the riffers.
• As a matter of fact, we should probably just make a section here for all the times they tear into the protagonist's appearance.
  • "You do have kind of a clown head, though..."
  • "Good thing he wore his tactical Cosby sweater."
  • "All the best heroes wear mom jeans!"
  • "The smoking hole in the middle of his shirt really sells it."
• The Call-Back to Time Chasers, as the main character in that film plays a bit part in this one.
  • The main character takes out a prison guard played by the actor that played Matthew Paul (Pink Boy): "Tell J.K. I'm one of his team players."
  • "Meanwhile, at the regional airport that's clearly working off a debt to David Giancola."
• Mike loses his patience with the Fair Cop who keeps crossing paths with Sebastian.
  Mike: Look, Veronica Lake—get your damn hair out of your eye!
• The main character is nearly killed in an explosion.
  Kevin: Tonight on Mythbusters: every single thing that just happened.
  Mike: Please take this moment seriously, even though he looks like he blew up in an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon.
• The heroes tail the villain in a helicopter. From a distance of about fifty feet.
  Bill: They don't want to stop them, they just want to fly close enough to moon them.
• As the seemingly victorious villain Arno Taylor heads off to destroy the government:
  Bill: The revolution will not be televised. It... will go direct to video instead.
• The guys' disbelief that the bomb was defused by simply unplugging it and the hero waits until the very last second to do so.
  Mike: What, that's it?! So a pothole could have completed this mission hours ago?!
  Kevin: I drew my gun at a federal agent over a LOOSE USB CABLE?!

Prisoners of the Lost Universe

Prisoners of the Lost Universe

• On Mad Scientist Dr. Madison:
  Mike: He has a "just put the last stitch in The Human Centipede" look about him.
• On the Lost Universe's landscape.
  Kevin: You gotta imagine this place is just swarming with Gorn captains.
• The astonished crew reacts to Dan blatantly putting his hand up Carrie's skirt to booster her (Mike: "HOLY! Right UP there!"), then, the camera follows Carrie climbing from below:
  Mike (as Dan): Any other perving opportunities? Ah, I know. Look up straight up.
  Bill: This short clip has its own website, a Twitter account with three million followers, and a seven picture Hollywood deal.
  Kevin (as Dan): Eh, shame that I saw her wang. Well, jumping off the cliff I guess.
  (after Carrie reaches the top)
  Mike: Creepy middle-aged American men stand up and applaud!
  (Bill starts clapping)
  Mike: Bill, why are you...?
  Bill: Oh, I thought that was an imperative sentence.
• The very moment the film's main comic relief character first appears:
  Kevin: (immediately annoyed) Oh, for (bleep)'s sake... 'Kay, this guy's been onscreen for roughly two seconds, and I already loathe him with the heat of a thousand suns! I've got nowhere to go!!

Retro Puppet Master

• Bill's fandom for the movie's "retro puppet" makers Bergschneider and Farley.
• The incredulity at just how long Afzel is pummeled by the hired goons.
  Mike: Could someone yell "Fire!" already?
  Kevin: And the beating of an octogenarian enters its fourth hour!
  Bill: Punching the hell out of an old man is like making a patchwork quilt; you just keep going 'til you feel done. Might take years!
  (Elsa finally notices the beating and calls for help)
  Bill: "It took us ten minutes to pummel this old guy, we'll never overpower her! Run!"
• Afzel goes through the tedious process of putting a ring on Toulon's finger and jamming it in the beggar's neck. Then, he says the ring does not matter.
  Bill: THEN WHY DID WE DO IT, YOU WEIRD OLD FOSSIL!
• STREET HORSE! THE CRIME FIGHTING HORSE WITH A HEART OF GOLD! STREET HORSE!
• The riffers singing "Walk-ing down the stairs! The! Stairs!" to the background music as the undead mummies... well, walk down some stairs. Especially when the musical riff starts repeating before they can finish the phrase.

R.O.T.O.R.

R.O.T.O.R.

• During the opening credits:
  Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
  Bill: Hm.
  Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
  Mike: Uh, R.O.T.O.R.?
  Kevin: Exactly. (sings, trilling) rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR.O.T.O.R.!
  Bill: So what you're saying is...
  Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
• During the opening credits:
  Mike: Visual effects, huh? Well, so long as it isn't that creepy baby from Twilight.
  Kevin: That was technically a visual defect!
• During an aerial shot:
  Helicopter reporter: Hey, good buddy! Things are really getting jammed up down there.
  (helicopter shows very light traffic)
  Kevin: No they're not!
  Helicopter reporter: Traffic is backed up all the way to LBJ.
  Bill: Demonstrably not true!
• As the skeleton of R.O.T.O.R. dances:
  Mike: (robot voice) Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, Dietrich and DiMaggio...
• Coldyron: That's about as far as you're gonna stick it, Earl!
  Bill: WHOA! I'm glad they're not in the same room, anyhow!
• Mike reacts to Shoeboogie's name.
  Mike: Shoeboogie?! Is he a long, lost Cosby kid?
• Mike: The hillbilly jumped on a plane now?!
  Kevin: (hick voice) Hoooo-weee! Wings don't fail me now! Golly gee howdy!
• Coldyron: It stops felons, judegs the crime, and executes sentence. Justice served, C.O.D.
  Bill: (chuckling) I don't think any cash changes hands!
• Kevin: Hey, that's not a R.O.T.O.R.-y phone!
  Bill: (outraged) I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, MURPHY!
• As R.O.T.O.R. explodes:
  Kevin: Kay, sure, we knew R.O.T.O.R. was going to die since the start of the movie, but remember, it's more about the senseless journey than the unsatisfying destination.
  Bill: (quietly) Well said.
  Kevin: (quietly) Thank you.
• The ending in which Coldyron gets shot in the back by Bugler.
  (Mike, Bill and Kevin guffaw)
  Bill: (laughing) Or we could end the movie this way!
  Mike: (laughing) The original ended with Coldyron marrying his girlfriend, but test audiences demanded this version.

Reefer Madness

Reefer Madness

• Bill on the opening foreword describing the effects of marijuana: “Space expands, time slows down, TV is watched for over a half an hour without realizing it’s on mute…”
• "Bill puts the 'wad' in 'gaywad.'"
• When a traffic cop raises his hand.
  Bill: Gimme some up top, my bruthas!
• Their jokes about the very old, dumpy-looking jury.
  Mike: Did they truck all these people in from The Grapes of Wrath?
  Mike: You, the world's ugliest jury!

Replica

• When James Nguyen shelves a film indefinitely for being too awful to release, you know you've got a stinker on your hands. As a matter of fact, some parts of the film don't even need riffing to be funny as hell.
• "James Nguyen's 'direction' to actors includes instructions such as 'Walk less like a human!', and 'Mumble more!'."
• Every now and then, the dialogue in Joe's living room will be interrupted by a loud bird chirp.
  Mike: Will someone get the parrot away from that megaphone?!
• A very poor Special Effects Failure leads to a very wimpy death:
  Bill: Oh, hey, another slow moving car. No problem, just gently turn the wheel and... (lady in car gives an exaggerated panicky action) What are you...? (Black car gently reaches the other car) What? (Fade to Black as car skid sounds are heard) What?!
  (The trio chuckle and laugh, then bust out laughing as we're taken to a graveyard.)
  Mike: No...!
  Bill: Cause of death: lightly bruised elbow in car crash.
• After the aforementioned car wreck, the film cuts to Joe putting flowers on a very large gravestone.
  Mike: That's her monument?! Was she a celebrated general before the medical job?!
• When the protagonist finds the woman that was cloned from her dead girlfriend walking around town, he wastes very little time in casually following her back to her hotel room.
  Bill: (robotic voice) LEER MODE ACTIVATED. LOWER BACK TATTOO DETECTED. COMMENCING STALKING PROTOCOL.
• "Was your girlfriend also a total skank?"
• The main villain's speech at the end is nothing short of Insane Troll Logic of how human cloning will somehow solve all of society's problems - including racism. And yet Joe and his girlfriend treat him like he's the worst scum of the earth, utterly repulsed by his ideas.
• "And just like that, falling off a horse and getting paralyzed becomes the second worst thing to happen to Christopher Reeve."

Robo Vampire

Robo Vampire

• Kevin gets into the spirit, given the kind of film it is: "I've always believed coherence is overrated anyway."
• When Robo Warrior is taken to the lab to be rebuilt after getting severely damaged by a rocket launcher:
  Scientist 1: I'm afraid he short-circuited.
  Kevin: Yeah, that's what it was.
  Scientist 2: Not that serious.
  Bill: Not that serious? They found parts of him in Australia!

Rollergator

Rollergator

• During the title screen:
  Bill: Rollergator: Because we didn't think we could get you to watch ''Fun in Balloon Land'', either.
• As P.J. fiddles with a radio:
  Mike: (as radio DJ) You’re tuned to K103: all aimless acoustic guitar noodling, all the time.^note Rollergator’s “score” consists, almost entirely, of endless acoustic guitar strumming. We have more aimless acoustic guitar noodling next, right after I slit my aorta with a broken Heineken bottle!
• The main girl is led into a beach cave as she follows the gator calling out to her:
  Bill: No good story ever started with: "So, I was lured into the cave in my bikini..."
  Mike: This is going to end with remains being compared to dental records, isn't it?
• When the lead actress (who is wearing a bikini) comes across the gator puppet for the first time:
  Kevin: (as actress) I don't have to f*ck the puppet, do I?
• "Hey, Joe knows what the movie's about, good for Joe!"
• When Joe Estevez's character looks at a crossword puzzle:
  Kevin: (as Estevez) Let's see: nine letters, untalented actor from Soultaker- HEY!
• After the Gator tells a particularly bad joke; Mike just cuts to the point, rather than riffing:
  Gator: Don't you listen to K-R-O-K?
  P.J.: You mean K-ROK?
  Gator: No Krok, like Crocodile! Get it?
  Mike: Yeah, I do but you're an alliga- look, just go to Hell.
• When a scene goes on for way too long, Bill has a mini-breakdown:
  Slingshot: She could be gone for hours.
  Bill: Which means this conversation could go on for hours! I'm jumping out the window!
  Kevin: Uh Bill, we're on the first floor.
  Bill: DAMN YOU, ROLLERGATOR!!! You have me trapped and you know it! [sobs]
  • Later on in the same scene, Mike has similar reaction:
  Mike: Ah, she’s using reverse psychology. Hey, let’s do likewise. (clears throat) Hey scene, I sure hope you don’t end. It would be terrible if you suddenly stopped and didn’t, in fact, keep limping along like a wounded moose. A horrible, annoying, wounded moose that won’t shut up! THAT HAS CLEARLY NEVER MADE ANYTHING LIKE A DAMN MOVIE BEFORE, YOU STUPID WOUNDED MOOSE!!!
• The final stretch of the film, which is just the guys Laughing Mad and firing off automatic weapons. Continuously. Without ceasing. Until the movie finally, finally stops.

Ruby

• At the beginning of the film, a newlywed couple is threatened by some sharply dressed mobsters.
  Kevin: (As Mobster #1) We're from the Men's Wearhouse.
  Bill: (As Mobster #2) You're gonna like the way you look.
  Mike: (As Mobster #3) We guarantee it...

Samurai Cop

Samurai Cop

• The hospital scene, with its memetically awful dialogue between Joe and the "flirty" nurse, is a gift that keeps on giving—especially once Robert Z'dar's character, "Yamashita," shows up to keep one of the gang members from talking.
  Mike: (as Steve the cop) Okay, got it—you said 'hook my thumb over my belt like some country dumbass, and then wander aimlessly behind you until someone who clearly isn't a nurse or a doctor strolls immediately into the room.' Got it!
  Kevin: (as the injured gang member) Hey, if you're here to kill me, no need—I'm bleeding freely through thirty layers of gauze, I'll be dead in seconds!
  Bill: Also, please stop force-feeding me jelly doughnuts!
  (Yamashita kills him with a katana)
  Mike: Okay—now we'll implant a giant lower jaw, get you looking like a proper man.
  Kevin: (to Yamashita's partner) Now, if you could clean this off for me, and then please put it back up on the wall of the crappy sushi bar I stole it from. 'Kay?
  (The gangsters sneak out of the hospital with their victim's head—and right on cue, Steve comes back to check on him)
  Kevin: Steve the cop. Fresh from taste-testing all the different colored liquids in the janitor's closet.
  Steve: Oh my God. Call security!
  Bill: You ARE security!
• The running gag of the movie's clumsy post-production dubbing.
  Hospital security guard: Hey, wait a minute, nurse!
  Mike: Said someone else, somewhere else, at some other time.
• Captain Roma reams out our heroes for leaving Steve unsupervised at the hospital.
  Roma: You're on your way to San Diego, and I'll write the order.
  Kevin: (angrily) Hope you like perfect weather, great Mexican food, best beer in the country—you know what, I'm coming with ya!
  Roma: ...Feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass. It hurts. Gotta figure out a way to get it out of there.
  Kevin: Step aside, "We'll always have Paris." I have a new favorite movie quote.
  Frank: (grins at Joe, after talking Roma into keeping them on the case)
  Mike: (stage whisper) Hey. Let's put another big club up his ass.
• After Joe and Frank confront Fujiyama and his lieutenants at brunch, some of his goons attack them in the parking lot. Things escalate, a guy loses an arm, and before long Yamashita is spraying away with a submachine gun at Joe, Frank, and the now-captured goons.
  Bill: Keep in mind, this is in broad daylight in the parking lot of an exclusive L.A. restaurant.
  Mike: Yeah, Jennifer Lawrence is waiting out the gunfire to hand her keys to the valet.
  Bill: Fujiyama's in there, trying to figure out the check over the gunfire. "Is the gratuity included—I SAID, IS THE GRATUITY INCLUDED?"
  Kevin: (as Yamashita) "Good thing I ate lunch with this grenade down my pants!"
• From the same scene: the footage of a car getting shot up, while Frank and Joe are taking cover behind it, was spliced together out of order (or deliberately repeated, to pad out the scene). This leads to panes of glass, paneling, and at one point the entire car magically repairing themselves—not just between shots, but during them.
• Later, Joe hits on Fujiyama's girlfriend Jennifer, who turns out to own the restaurant. (Sort of.)
  Joe: It's a very nice restaurant.
  Mike: Shame the grenade damage cost you a Michelin star.
  (Jennifer ducks Joe's suggestion of a date)
  Jennifer: Not today—my bookkeeper's coming by later.
  Kevin: Turns out there's all this paperwork when a quintuple murder happens on your property.
• The gangsters interrogate Johnson (the middle-aged Mauve Shirt cop) and his wife:
  Johnson: I swear, I don't know where he lives.
  Mike: "I assume he's like Dracula, but his coffin is a tanning bed."
  (Yamashita kills the Johnsons, then gives his mooks further instructions)
  Yamashita: You know how I operate.
  Mike: "Yeah, there's a string on your back, and if we pull it, you say cliched dialogue."
• While the other cops are getting hunted down, Joe and Jennifer bang.
  Bill: It's quite a feat of acting and directing to make two fit naked people the exact opposite of sexy.
• During the final fight between Joe and Yamashita:
  Mike: Man, what a slugfest! I'm sorry, I'm just looking at the lineup they announced for this year's Slugfest. Garden Slug's gonna be there, Northern Tree Slug, Common Keeled Slug's doing a reunion show—
  Kevin: Would you put that flyer away?!
  Joe: You lost... You lost face.
  Mike: Well, he's got plenty to spare.
• Once the bad guys are all dead, Joe and Jennifer make out on a beach.
  Mike: Oh my God.
  Kevin: Yeah, it's not a pretty sight—
  Mike: Slugfest just announced Morton Salt as a corporate sponsor! Are they completely tone-deaf? This is going to alienate so—
  Kevin: Give me that other flyer! Where do you keep getting these?
  Bill: When they're aroused, women go [snoring noises], right?

Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

• Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.
  Mike: Remember: Santa is telling this story to the kids on the beach.
  Kevin: (as Santa) And then children, Executive Producer Armand Cerami hired Barry Mahon to direct, isn’t that wonderful?
  
  Mike: (as Santa) And so the PA described how the Witch continued to mince about for a while, not speaking, just fiddling about mostly! Ho ho ho!
  
  Bill: (as a kid) W-W-W-Wait, wait, the lady talking on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? Santa, what the hell's going on here?!
  Kevin: (as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?
• A little kid brings out a guy in a gorilla suit to dislodge Santa's sleigh. Mike's delivery really sells this:
  Mike: Keep in mind, this was Plan A.
  • Also, Kevin's remark on that scene:
  Keven: Why do I get the feeling a psychiatrist heard all about this decades later?
• During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh:
  Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try!
  Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER!
  Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! You're right!
  Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way!
  Kevin: (now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH, MIKE!!
  Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!!
  Bill: OH, YOU'RE A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now!
  Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh...
  Kevin: GAH, I'M STILL SEEING IT!
• And the above is immediately preceded by this bit, after Mike had wondered when Santa had time to go to the bathroom over the course of being in his sleigh for two days.
  Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) Let me see what we can do. (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his Santa costume)
  Bill: DEAR GOD! You can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned!
  Kevin: I guess that answers your question, Mike!
• And later...
  Bill: OH THERE IT IS AGAIN!
  • "Well, back to doing what I do best, sitting here in my filthy pants."
• During a close up of the Ice Cream Bunny:
  Bill (as Ice Cream Bunny): HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR!
  • It's Bill's Phantom of Krankor laugh!
• Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
• The moment the film cuts away to the Thumbelina story, showing the many scenes of Pirate's World, the guys officially hit the Despair Event Horizon, with Bill convinced that they all died from a gas explosion and ended up in Hell.
• Their riffing on the "Santa":
  Mike: (as "Santa" stands up to greet the Ice Cream Bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!
• And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave:
  Mike: He-he's dead. The sun killed him.
  Kevin: All hail the SUN!
• The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear:
  The Frog: What I need is a little girl.
  Kevin: GAH! The Woody Allen of frogs!
  The Frog: That's what I need, all right! I wonder where my mother is?
  Mike: (in a horrified murmer) Man, that is one messed up amphibian!
  • Their reaction to the bug/wasp/Cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen (Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.):
    Kevin: (perfectly calm) Ah, well... guys, if you don't mind, I've got this one.
    Mike: Ah great, ok then. Thanks.
    Kevin: (inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGH MYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGG THISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASE GODWHATISIT?!?!?! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!
  • Bill then states he's certain that there's already Fan Fic devoted to them. Kevin pipes in, "Rule 34!"
• The Spinster sees Thumbelina for the first time:
  Bill (as the spinster): (coldly) I asked for a blonde. Squish!
• Thumbelina gets kidnapped by a frog:
  The Speaker: When Thumbelina's poor mother found that her little girl had disappeared, she was very sad...
  Bill: So sad, in fact, that she went back to the witch with a wad of cash and said "Cook me up a good one this time, Toots!"
• And their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremacism":
  Mrs. Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures.
  Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!
• Mr. Digger compares Thumbelina to a beam of sunlight:
  Mr. Digger: Or so they tell me what a beam of sunlight looks like. I cannot stand the light myself!
  Mike (as Mr. Digger): I'm quite evil, you see.
  • Mr. Digger trying to impress Thumbelina:
    Mr. Digger: And I will show you some very interesting things that I have collected from all over the world.
    Bill: I keep them in my pants!
  • Mrs. Mole vouches for Dr. Digger:
    Mrs. Mole: There is certainly nothing to fear from Mr. Digger...
    Bill (as Mrs. Mole): ...Despite what the sex offender registry might say.
• "Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
• The pink lighting in Mr. Mole's home looks uncomfortably visceral.
  Mike: Gah, they're walking through a colonoscopy!
• Kevin's Heroic BSoD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
• As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.
  Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say.
  Bill: Just this. Enjoy.
• Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why — ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
• Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband:
  Thumbelina: I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like I am, (Bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife.
  Bill: "Human being." A distant, third priority for her.
  • Of course, on the other hand...
  Bird: But a mole isn't even the same thing.
  Kevin: They should have their own schools!
• "We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"
• When the kids are gathered around the sleigh at the end:
  Mike: Yes, they all wanna see the sleigh, but only from the one particular side.
  (The sleigh disappears)
  Kids: It's gone! It's gone! It disappeared!
  Narrator: Like magic.
  Bill: Or crap!
• When the kazoo band strikes up "Old Man River", Kevin sings along:
  Kevin: Ice Cream Bunny, the Ice Cream Bunny! He's made of ice cream, and he's a bunny!
• The entire scene with the Witch:
  • The Witch's song appears to end:
    Mike (as the spinster): Okay, good! We've come to the end of your song! Now, can we talk business?
    (the music continues)
    Mike (as the spinster): (deep sigh) That felt like the end of the song anyway, don't know why we're still plucking along...
    (the Witch invades the Spinster's personal space)
    Mike (as the spinster): Hey, hey! That's close enough! There's got to be a less revolting way to get a daughter. I wonder if the hare-lipped guy with the three-legged dog still hangs around Flanigan's all the time? He really seemed to like me...
  • The song actually ends:
    Witch: You say you would like a little girl?
    Mike: YES! You've been singing about it for twenty minutes! I thought this was clear!
  • Then the payment:
    Witch: It will cost you twelve... pennies.
    Bill (as the spinster): Twelve pennies for a human life!? I brought the deed to my house just for the down payment!
  • After she gives the witch the pennies.
    Bill (as the spinster): Here you go. Don't spend it all at once. (Beat) No, seriously, the cashier will be furious.
• Thumbelina arrives in the land of the Flower Children:
  Flower Child: Who are you and what do you want?
  Bill: That's also Delta Air Lines' new slogan.
  • The Flower Prince claims that Thumbelina's arrival to the kingdom of Flower Children and eventual marriage to him was foretold in a prophecy:
    Thumbelina: That was in your history books?
    Kevin (as the Flower Prince): Yes, don't question it! It was also foretold that you would make me steak every night and wear this maid costume! Prophecies!
• Mrs. Mole eventually reveals how she knows what happened to Thumbelina in the parts she wasn't there for:
  Mrs. Mole: Mr. Bird saw the marriage and flew back to tell us all about it.
  Kevin (as Mrs. Mole): Mr. Digger killed the Bird, marinated him in his own tears, and ate him for taking his beautiful child-bride away.
• After Santa is done telling the story:
  Mike (as one of the kids): Santa, I believe that story had nothing to do with Christmas.
  Kevin (as one of the kids): Also, Santa, why would a place called "Pirates World" feature the story of Thumbelina? There were no pirates!
  Bill (as one of the kids): Santa, Santa, I have a two-part question. One, will I ever feel joy again? Two, what did I do to deserve this?
• When the Ice Cream Bunny is driving to Santa:
  Mike: Is this like The Ring where I watch this scene and within 24 hours I'll be dead?
  Kevin: Oh no, MUCH more potent, I give us 38 seconds tops!
• Bill translating the dog's reaction to the Ice Cream Bunny: "Evil! Evil! It must be destroyed with the Daggers of Megiddo!"

Santa's Summer House

• This movie used the same house as A Talking Cat!?! for its setting, so jokes about that movie and the weird layout of this house are to be expected here.
• Santa tries to connect with some of the houseguests who were upset that he kept his true identity a secret from them.
  Santa: I wanted to speak with all of you. What you do after that is entirely up to you.
  Mike (as Santa): Folks, investing in a timeshare has many advantages...
  • When Santa has the son of a bickering couple read one of his old Christmas letters, Kevin changes the context to him reading a statement by Santa that the 13th Amendment needs to be abolished^note In case you don't know, that was the Amendment to the Constitution that abolished slavery.
• "We did it, honey. We made a whole Santa movie without even renting a Santa suit."
• During the credits, Kevin points out that the actor who played Santa in this movie was none other than the son of Hollywood legend Robert Mitchum.

Silent Rage

Silent Rage

• Lampshading the fact that Surgeons Can Do Autopsies If They Want. "That's my diagnosis as a therapist... surgeon... researcher."
• During a debate over the fate of the deranged killer's corpse:
  Ron Silver: This isn't right. This is illegal; this is immoral. We have a vegetable laying here on this table that was a human being with a mind as well as body.
  Bill: HE WAS A GREAT MAN!
  • Before that, repeated comments on how concerned everyone seems to be about the psycho killer's welfare:
    Chuck: (as the murderer attacks a group of cops with a shotgun) Don't shoot!
    Mike: Why not?!
• During the inevitable bar fight scene (hey, it's a Chuck Norris movie):
  Bill: (as biker) Remember, attack him one at a time. We may be murderous bikers but we have some semblance of manners.
• The numerous jokes about Ron Silver's resemblance to Al Pacino.
  (Silver's character walks into his basement, full of video and photography equipment)
  Mike: Ron Silver's gonna train hard, watch some Al Pacino game tape.
• Something that looks like a POV shot closes in on a house, but the villain shows up on screen briefly before exiting the frame.
  Mike: Okay, he just left the frame so this POV shot couldn't possibly be his... Then, what, a bear? An unusually tall raccoon?
• During the final fight with Kirby:
  Bill: (as Chuck, slowly getting to his feet) I'm just gonna...get up...now... (Chuck roundhouse kicks Kirby outta nowhere) AH-AHH! CHUCK NORRIS!
• Bill's Dull Surprise when the killer emerges from the water at the very end.
  • It turns it had nothing to do with the movie, Bill was just having a heart attack.

The Sons Of Hercules: Land Of Darkness

• Argolese, the Son Of Hercules Of The Week, fights a lion, and Bill catches the reference:
  Bill: The Nemean Lion!
  Mike: The son of the Nemean Lion.
  Kevin: (Singing To the Tune of... the Sons of Hercules theme) The son of the Nemean Lion \ He never knew his dad, \ And so he developed a drinking problem \ and resented his mom's boyfriends!
• Argolese's fight with "Methusa-zilla",
  Kevin: (...) The oldest, crankiest dragon in the world!
  Bill: Give me fifteen minutes to lumber over there, and then I will gum you so hard!
  (Argolese throws a spear through the dragon's head.)
  Bill: Oh, my brain! It's poking my memory centers! All I can think about is the time I enjoyed a sarsaparilla with a pretty girl in a segregated malt shop. That was a great day.
• The running gag of Argolese being The Unfavorite of Hercules' "sons".
  Mike: (Immediately after Argolese defeats Methusa-zilla) His dad looks down from above, thinking "I wouldn't have needed a damn spear."

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

• One of the villains transforms into his real form, a mouse. Bill riffs as the mouse sleeps:
  Bill: Oh, Templeton, touch me there.
• Twice in the film, the trio wonder if the film is illegal. Especially in a scene when the camera zooms in on the teenage bully's groin area.

Star Games

• Tony Curtis playing intergalactic space royalty with his trademark accent fully intact provides endless fodder (fodduh) for Mike, Kevin, and Bill.
  King Fendel: I would speak with the ancients. They have entrusted me with great powuh.
  Bill: SINCE MY YUTE IN DA BRONX.
• The alien starship's computer/AI being inexplicably embodied by Happy, who is apparently intended as a Non-Ironic Clown, but is actually just bizarre nightmare fuel. The moment he appears on screen, everyone yells in shock with Bill wondering if he somehow got a whiff of paint thinner.
  Mike: He's agreeable for a wide-awake nightmare.
• Later, after a truly excruciating joke from Happy:
  Mike: You know, I take back everything bad I ever said about Clippy.
• "You're in the Deadlights now!"
• When it shows Brian playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 on his Game Gear.
  Bill: "Where's the 'make out with Tails' button?"
  • Kevin jokes about the amount of batteries Brian's Game Gear went through during the road trip. Considering how absolutely infamous the system was for its terrible energy efficiency, he's not wrong at all.
• The parents of Brian, our diabetic teen protagonist, take Adults Are Useless to weapons-grade levels. Mom is useless while Dad berates Brian irritatingly, even when Brian is being chased into the woods by a wild bear.
  Brian's Dad: [berating tone] Easy, Brian. EASY. EASY. EASY!
  Mike: [as the bear] Tell your father to SHUT UUUUUUUPP!!!
  • Earlier, when Brian is just as annoyed with his parents after venting about his diabetes:
  Brian's Dad: Might as well get used to it son! It's not gonna change!
  Bill as Brian: Patricide. Good word.
  Kevin as Brian's Dad: What's that?
  Bill as Brian: Nothing!
  ...
  Brian's Mom: When's your next injection due?
  Bill as Brian: Matricide. That's a pretty word too.
  Kevin as Brian's Mom: What's that?
  Bill as Brian: Nothing!
• Kirk takes time to point to the planets in the sky and lists their "real" names.
  Kirk: There's Nurwan and that's Skutenesh...
  Kirk!Bill: And there's Poopiter and Penus with a U...
  Brian!Kevin: I think you're making these up!
  Kirk!Bill: Nuh-uh.
• Mike sums up Brian and Kirk's plotline mercilessly in one sentence.
  This is like Of Mice and Men, if you replaced Lennie with George and George with the glove of Vaseline.
• During an aggravating scene of Kirk responding to all of Brian's questions with "I dunno."
  Bill: This is pro-vasectomy propaganda, isn't it?
• Later, when Brian is being beckoned away from his parents by space aliens, his mother has a moment of worry.
  Brian's dad: Sssh, honey. It's okay.
  Kevin: WHAT ABOUT THIS IS REMOTELY OKAY?!!
• After Brian and Kirk are rescued:
  Brian's mom: Let's get these kids into town for some REAL food.
  Kevin: Get that diabetes back on track!
• When the heretofore helpful park ranger gets bodysnatched by the main villain, his speech becomes Obviously Evil... obvious to everyone except Brian's parents, that is.
  Bill: The ranger's suddenly breathier than Kathleen Turner, but these parents see absolutely nothing wrong.
• Lugos demanding Kirk's silence as he drags him away.
  Mike: Just five minutes with this kid and suddenly you're the angry parent at the mall.
• The alien child Kirk, whom Brian befriends while lost, took his name from his favorite show:
  Kirk: I got my name from my favorite TV show, uhh, Star Track. You know, Captain Kirk?
  Bill: Yeah, his favorite show... Star...Track.
  Kirk: My watch is doing automatic translation.
  Mike: OH! Like on that TV show, Stir Truck.
• Later, Kirk references his spaceship but says it's nothing like the Enterprise.
  Bill: You know, on... Store Trick.
• King Fendel beseeches Brian to help Kirk, "in the name of the gift."
  Bill: In the name of the black gift, of Samurai Cop fame.
• When the film gives a close-up of Kirk smiling.
  Mike: A face that says "I will eat from the litterbox when your back is turned."
• "Maybe Happy will be bayonetted in the stomach. Point is, we all have dreams!"
• When Brian and Kirk hug before saying goodbye, they harshly whisper that they'll never forget each other.
  Bill: Those both sounded like threats!
• King Fendel gives a salute, Kirk gives an awkward wave goodbye and Happy blows his nose.
  Kevin: Not since Iwo Jima has an image so captured the American spirit.

Starship Invasions

Starship Invasions

• Rameses (Christopher Lee), leader of the evil aliens, informs his underlings that Earth looks to be a good invasion target.
  Mike: (as Rameses) Our research suggests the girls of this planet are easy.
• The Special Effects Failure with the UFOs leads to this riffing hat trick (Kevin's line referencing what the villains' ship looks similar to). Noting the release year of Star Wars A New Hope:
  Bill: They're special effects in the sense that It's Arbor Day, Charlie Brown was a special.^note To save you some time, it's real.
  Mike: Just a reminder, this came out the same year as Star Wars.
  Kevin: Your stupid minds! Stupid, stupid!

Stone Cold

Stone Cold

• Robber: Screw that business, man!
  Kevin: Yelp.com's mission statement.
• One rando extra's strange chant during Stone's fight with a big Mook:
  Random Extra: Fuck 'im over!
  Kevin: Ruin his credit score, YEAH!
• Noting how Stone seriously answers the door when the FBI agent knocks in nothing but a freaking black banana hammock, but the agent does not react whatsoever. The guys ask if he just went blind from the waist down.
• Kevin chuckling in joy in the climax when a motorcycle crashes through a window and hits a helicopter, exploding gloriously and admitting this is the best movie ever.
• The guys mishearing one Mook's nickname. In the movie, it's Mudfish. They heard it as Buttfish.

Sunset Strip

Sunset Strip

• The landlady arrives at Mark's apartment.
  Landlady: Hello, Mark.
  Kevin: That's not how you greet a bad movie Mark!

Superargo vs. The Faceless Giants

• It's repeatedly pointed out that the "faceless giants" do have faces and are of normal human size.
  Bill: Not only do they have faces, they used fat, washed-up Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull as the face model.
• During a wrestling match, a wrestler gives a very The Simpsons scream.
  Bill: Ned Flanders is down!
• Superargo in the woods.
  Kevin: (as a nature commentator) The Mediterranean Deadpool searches for a mate using corny one-liners and fourth-wall breaks.
• After the riffers spend half the movie mocking Superargo for declaring that he wears his costume because it reminds him of his wrestling days, it's abruptly revealed that his costume deflects bullets:
  Mike: Your costume is bulletproof?! Maybe lead with that next time someone asks you why you wear it?!
  Bill: (as Superargo) No, wrestling days! All about the wrestling.
• "This would be a lot easier... If you were made out of vases!"
• This Call-Back to a previous riff of a cheesy, European superhero movie:
  Mr. Stafford: One of my superiors said that you might help us with a most important case.
  Kevin: We tried to get Supersonic Man, but he didn't return calls.
• "Petty, interdepartmental power struggles: Superargo!"
• The Big Bad's name gets mocked.
  Kevin: Professor Wond: The terrible alias Dumbledore came up with after he faked his death.
• Superargo having a bulletproof costume is not the only case of New Powers as the Plot Demands on display in the movie.
  (Superargo makes a several-story leap up to Professor Wond's study:)
  Kevin: Oh, hey! I can do this, too!
  Mike: And by Act 3 he's using heat vision and time travelling...
• Superargo is planting bugs in Professor Wond's study.
  (As Superargo looks for an inconspicuous spot in Wond's bookcase)
  Bill: Supervillaining for Dummies... Prostate Health for Bad Guys?! Ew!
• "Y'know, as heroes, these two are not exactly crushing it!"

Super Mario Bros (1993)

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

• Mike: "Mommy, why is Mario wearing Dockers?"
  Kevin: "I don't know, honey; I'm scared too!"
• When Mario falls and gets warped to the alternate dimension
  Mario: (screams loudly)
  Kevin: He's actually voicing my one-word review of this movie! (screams for a very long time)
• During one scene with Yoshi:
  Bill (as Yoshi): (depressed) I turned down Jurassic Park for this. What was I thinking?
  • Later, while Daisy is petting Yoshi:
    Mike (as Yoshi): No, really, babe, I've got my own island.
• After Koopa is finally defeated and everybody is cheering:
  Mike: Bob Hoskins would never do another terrible movie again...
  Kevin and Bill: HOORAY!!!!
  Mike: ...until Spice World a few years later.
  Kevin and Bill: (disappointed) Awwww.....
• Two years prior to the VOD being released, there was a YouTube video of their choice cuts if they riffed it. Moments include:
  • During a dance sequence:
  Kevin: This game is rated "C" for confusing sexual situations.
  • After Toad gets de-evolved, and after that, when Mario pushes Koopa onto the de-evolve chair:
  Mike: Huh. I guess we could've done this before he killed Toad.
  • "Shigeru Miyamoto's tears?"
  • During the club scene:
    Kevin: There. There's fire here, and there was fire in the games.
    Bill: That's a bit of a reach...
    Kevin: At this point I'll take what I can get.
• Luigi watching TV:
  Luigi: Oh, Mario, Mario, right now on "Miraculous World," this guy just found out that he was in another dimension.
  Bill (as John Leguizamo): One where audiences like me.
• Many, many comments about how the movie bears NO resemblance to the games:
  Bill: "The Law & Order font really brings you into the whimsical world of Mario."
• Mike's impression of Yoko Ono singing the Miranda Rights to Mario and Luigi.
• The sudden appearance of a puddle of brown slime during Mario and Luigi's escape from the de-evolution chamber leads to a Running Gag about "patches of D" whenever de-evolution is brought up.
• When Luigi falls down a shaft and seemingly dies:
  Kevin: Du, du, du du-du du du-du du-du-duuuuu...
• On a similar note, during an escape/chase sequence, Bill starts singing the Super Mario theme song... before quickly transitioning to Yakkety Sax.
• Mike mentions how the car chase is just like Mario Kart except for a gigantic list of differences that show how good the MK games are. Then he finishes with
  Mike: On the other hand, no fucking blue shells!
• Possibly one of the oddest, most disturbing bits in the whole show comes while Mario is slow dancing with the gargantuan bouncer lady:
  Bill: (seductively) I'm going to make the fanart of you and Birdo look like Family Circus cartoons, little man.
• Lena stabs Yoshi in the neck:
  Mike: And Mario's beloved sidekick is fatally wounded. You're welcome, kids!
  Bill: (tearfully) Mama!"
• On Bob Hoskin's career:
  Kevin: "I don't know, after Mermaids everything just went to hell."
• In general, how about the fact that the riff makes way more references to the source material than the movie itself does.
• "I love that movie where Dennis Hopper put a Bob-Omb on a Bub-Us.
• Two Goombas board an elevator:
  Mike (as first Goomba): So get this; the boss has me training to throw an endless stream of hammers. You?
  Kevin (as second Goomba): Boomerangs. Never ends, does it?

Supersonic Man

Supersonic Man

• The first riffs, as Supersonic Man's ship comes into view:
  Kevin: Vacuum cleaners... Of the Gods!
  Bill: [seeing some spherical protrusions on the ship] Whoa, a Transformer with huge knockers?... Oh, no, I guess not.
  Mike: No, sorry, Bill, I, I know that's a very fond dream of yours.
  Bill: [wistfully] It is, Mike... it is.
• Mike and co. are not taken in by the first shots of Supersonic Man in the movie, which are of him wearing nothing but a speedo and a flimsy mask.
  Master: Supersonic, return to life!
  Mike: Put on some clothes! Agh!
• The riffers compare Supersonic's "flight" scenes unfavorably to the ones from The Pumaman.
  Mike: Puma Man snorts with contempt.
  Bill: "You call that awkward flying with a terrible soundtrack? (scoffs) Let me show you a little something, pal!"
• Once again, our boys are not impressed with the Big Bad's robot.
  Bill: ...Could it be? Why yes, I think it is: The most adorable robot ever presented onscreen as a credible threat!"
  (later)
  Kevin: (With a goofy, Barney-like voice) HEY THERE, KIDS! A-HYUHYUHYUHYUHYU!
• The opening raid on the chemical plant: "They're invading Terry Gilliam's Brazil!"
• As Supersonic Man lifts a (clearly a wooden prop) steamroller out of the way of the heroine's car: "Shake Hands with Danger, ma'am."
• During the bar fight scene, Kevin starts singing.
  "Oh Suzanna, just what is this movie / you started out as Superman / but now it's Roadhouse 3!"
• "You know, I can go for some dramatic relief."
• The With Lyrics version of the theme toward the end:
  Mike: Supersonic man is a toy! ...So here's a shot of the emergency room! He runs through the halls, and terrifies a nurse!
• The kiss between Paul and Patricia at the end.
  Kevin, as Paul: Awkward, mustache-y kiss for you? (as Paul pulls her closer and kisses her more deeply) Really get in there and feel the bristles this time.

Swamp of the Ravens

• Seconds into the movie there's an obvious Special Effect Failure.
  Bill: Man, that bright blue sky is really pouring rain.
• "No matter how many times you hear the 'human cadavers' speech, it never gets any easier, right guys? ...Guys?"
• The extended bit during the opening credits about the complicated story of the eponymous ravens' legal ownership status of the swamp.
• The trio's mixture of bafflement, laughter and horror at the second musical number, "My Own Robot", where Simone, the Mad Scientist's girlfriend, watches her singer ex-fiance perform a very upbeat duet about how much he hates and resents the mannequin he's talking to (who looks just like her) while it blares out tinny, vaguley-melodic gibberish, intercut with various horrible things in the scientist's surgery shed, like a mounted, still-beating heart and several jars filled with deformed human fetuses.
  Mike: And now, The Pickled Babies sing soft rock hits, direct from the mouth of Hell!
  Bill: (loudly sobs in horror and distress)
  (Bizarre nonsense singing continues)
  Bill: Is this singing, or just a garbled morning school announcement?
  Kevin (as the voice): Attention freshman...
  Movie cuts to the singer holding the mannequin, then a close-up of the mannequin's dead-eyed face
  Kevin (laughing): OKAY GOOD, the world officially no longer makes sense.
• Let's just say the fact that there are zero ravens in the movie (the birds are clearly vultures) doesn't escape notice.
  Bill: Damn ravens, with their ugly bald heads and their carrion scavenging!
• The "70s action detective show" theme for the leper, set to the rockin' version of the movie's theme song
  Kevin: He's super groovy, he's got some great moves, he's the cat that they call the Leper!
• On the subject of a roadside flower stand
  Mike: You call that a flower shop? Where's the fat doggy sitting on the counter?
• The detective chasing Frosta names the tools of his trade to his sidekick
  Detective: Method and logic...
  Kevin (as detective): Those are my favorite rappers.
  Detective: Method, and logic.
  Kevin (as detective): Their beats be sick.

The Sword And The Sorcerer

The Sword and the Sorcerer

• "This is where Tara Reid keeps her discarded layers!"
• The many references they make to King Richard's very ugly beard.
• Their reaction to the three-bladed sword.
  King Richard: If I die, it'll fall upon you... to avenge me.
  Bill: (as Richard) Also, get these swords unstuck. Accidentally glued them together.
• The riffers' increasing, undisguised contempt for the hero(?) and Princess Alana's double entendres about "swords."
  "There's always room for a small dick joke in the midst of sexual assault. Ha ha ha, go to hell, movie!"
• The guy who is "too old for this":
  Kevin: (as old guy) "I will note that you haven't asked me about my grandchildren."
  Bill: "Oh, god. (feigning interest) How are your grandchildren?"
  Kevin: "I have none. I'm barren." (sobs)
• During a big battle towards the climax, the music being played is light and cheery. Bill and Kevin both notice and comment on this.
  Bill: Lots of people are dying horribly, yet the music suggests that the Smurfs are going berry-picking.
  Kevin: And to accompany the bloodshed in this scene, the music from the moment a cartoon character discovers the true meaning of Christmas.
  • At one point, during that same scene, Kevin sings "Happy Birthday" and it syncs up perfectly with the music.
• When they show a close-up of Xusia gruesomely tearing off his mortal disguise.
  Bill: If matryoshka dolls were designed by GWAR.
• All the cracks made about the implausible swords during the battle between Talon and Cromwell.
  Bill: (as Talon) Aha! I have a hidden sword that I wouldn't have needed if the main sword wasn't substantially weakened by being hollow!
  Mike: (as Cromwell) Aha! My sword also has laughable concealed technology that wouldn't work for a second if you really think about it!
  Kevin: Now he pulls off both those switchblades to reveal tiny crossbows underneath.
• Later on in that same fight, when Talon stabs Cromwell with a blade hidden in his wrist.
  Mike: (as Talon) Take that! Also, I'm pretty much Wolverine at this point.

A Talking Cat!?!

A Talking Cat!?!

• The Running Gag of Phil living in fear of the interior decorator.
• The guy knowing exactly who the director is (David DeCoteau, an openly gay director known for male fanservice bordering on soft-core porn using a Pen Name) and worrying about how many guys will have their shirts off in the film.
• As Duffy leaves the house early in the film:
  Bill: (as Duffy) Enjoy my anus.
• An excruciatingly long scene showing a car slowly motoring through the countryside drives Mike, Kevin and Bill so insane that they think the car ceases to exist whenever it drives offscreen.
• When the movie's title first appears on-screen:
  Mike: I think more movie titles could use interrobangs.
  Kevin: On the Waterfront!?!
  Bill: The Thin Blue Line!?!
  Mike: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford!?!
• "Half the shots in this movie look like bad real estate listings from a website."
• When Susan invites Phil into her house:
  Mike: (as Phil) I look forward to wearing your skin.
• Over one of the many establishing shots of the mansion:
  Bill: Meanwhile, back on the set of the reality dating show Bang House...
• Early in the film, Phil accidentally burns waffles. It's brought up later by his son:
  Kevin: He burns waffles one time, you ungrateful little ass!
• About 2/3 of the way into the movie, Susan's cheese puffs become a major plot point and are referenced in nearly every line of dialogue for several scenes, to the increasing insanity of the riffers.
  Bill: OH boy! If you were playing the "Cheese Puffs" drinking game, you are absolutely hammered right now, almost dead.
• When Phil is on the computer:
  Mike: I could spend all day on this dark web, I love it.
• During the montage when Phil and Chris are testing Tina's app (which they somehow have a "clothes scanner" for), obnoxiously silly music plays, punctuated by clown honks and slide whistles.
  Mike: I bet John Williams never had the GUTS to use a slide whistle in one of HIS scores!
• When Duffy has a bandage wrapped around his head after being hit by a car:
  Bill: He just has an old timey toothache.
• Noting a continuity error when Phil puts a magic necklace on Duffy:
  Kevin: It changed his plaid shirt into a tropical one!
  Bill: (in the next shot) And back to plaid! Magic!
  • Moments later, when the necklace lights the room:
  Mike: And they were all blinded for life. The end.
• When the endless establishing shot Padding continues right up to the final moments of the film.
  Bill: Please let this be the end. Please let this be the end.
  [A lovely shot of a sunrise comes up]
  Bill: OH MOTHERF***!!!!!

THINGS (1989)

THINGS (1989)

• As a drunk-sounding Doug opens up his fridge:
  Doug: (lets out an enormous belch) Whaaat the fuck...
  Kevin: That was me at my niece's baptism.
• Midway through the movie, when Doug makes an out-of-nowhere joke about torturing and eating his niece:
  Bill: Uh, might not be cool to wish for painful, incurable boils to cover the bodies of everyone involved in making this movie, but I must confess, that is what I'm doing right now.
  Kevin: We support you, Bill.
• Right after Doug tells a bad joke to Don:
  Doug: How do you get paper children?
  Don: Paper children?
  Doug: Yeah, how do you get them? (after some silence from Don) You fuck a bag lady!
  (Both chortle)
  Bill: The, uh, painful, incurable boils for everyone involved in making this movie will now be joined by an endless swarm of giant fire ants.
  Kevin: Thank you.
  Bill: I have spoken.
• As Doug and Don are exploring a dark, stinky area:
  Kevin: This movie seems like it was conceived, written, and filmed in under two hours during a severe gas leak.
  Mike: And the experience of watching it is how I imagine it would be to die, slowly. During that same severe gas leak.
  Kevin: Indeed.
• As Don turns on a flashlight:
  Bill: Flashlight is the best character so far!
  (Since the flashlight is dirty, Don grabs a paper towel and wipes the flashlight with it... except that the noise sounds like something completely different.)
  Mike: The sound of "paper towel and plastic flashlight" will be played this evening by "sandpaper on unfinished wooden chair."
• From when the Mad Scientist Dr. Lucas shows up:
  Dr. Lucas: (sounding both congested and drunk) Oh God, what a horrible mess.
  Mike: (bitterly) Person who cuts my hair says that, every time.
  Bill: (laughs)
  Dr. Lucas: This is ghastly, horrible, brutal....IN-sane!
  Bill: (laughing) He's delivering his lines like a Hanna-Barbera character!
• As the camera focuses on a prolonged shot of Don (who is wearing a blue sweater) running away from the camera:
  Bill: Grover is: The Fugitive!
  Mike: (Grover voice) I didn't kill my wife!
  Bill: (busts up laughing)

To Catch a Yeti

To Catch a Yeti

• The title makes Mike think that the film's about a sting operation involving yetis.
• While her dad takes a shower, his daughter leaves a slice of pie outside the bathroom door for him (setting up the titular yeti finding and eating it before he can).
  Bill: He'll have to compete with Homer Simpson for that floor pie!
• The guys severely admitting that Quentin Tarantino renounced his foot fetish after taking one look at the hideous puppet's equally hideous feet.
• As the girl tends to the yeti in her house:
  Bill: (as the yeti) I'm wracked with diseases as yet unknown to man!
• All the many, many jabs at Meat Loaf.

Viva Knievel

Viva Knievel!

• Seeing Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton, and Red Buttons in the credits makes Kevin wonder if a Love Boat episode's about to break out (to say nothing of Leslie Nielsen). Then...
  Bill: Marjoe Gortner?! NOW it's a movie!
  (Kevin chortles)
  Mike: The original Matthew McConaughey prototype!
  • McConaughey is revisited during the lengthy closing chase, as Mike impersonates him giving a loopy euology at Evel's funeral.
• "Ladies and gentlemen: The man who embodies the great American tradition of jumping things over other things."
• Many jokes at Gene Kelly's expense at having to appear in this schlock.
  Mike: He's just biding his time til Xanadu.
  Kevin: (to the tune of Singin' in the Rain) I'm wreckin' my career...
• As Will takes a drink before working on Evel’s bike:
  Mike: (to the tune of Singin' in the Rain) I'm drinking in the dark, I’m drinking in the daaaark! I’m going to weeeep and soil my paaants then sleeeeeep out in the paaark...
• Several Running Gags, including the infamous true story of Evel Knievel breaking the arm of a writer by repeatedly attacking him with an aluminum baseball bat, and the gratuitous appearances by Frank Gifford at Evel's jumps.
• When Knievel meets the Mexican Governor:
  Mike (as the governor): And you are the ambassador from...
  Kevin (as Evel): Uh, I'm a motorcycle stuntman.
  Mike: Damn it! Why the hell are we honoring you?!
• Knievel apparently has a fierce rivalry with Whiplash the Monkey:
  Frank Gifford: Ladies and gentlemen; the greatest and bravest showman in the world: Evel Knievel!
  Mike: Hearing that introduction, Whiplash the Monkey throws his hat on the ground, leaps off his dog's back, and tears into Evel's face like a banana salad!
• As Evel walks up to the mental hospital, an elderly patient in the background sees and clearly recognizes him
  Bill (as old man): It's Knievel McEvel, my favorite hamburger clown!
• As Evel walks over to the cell door to see Will pacing back and forth:
  Kevin: Gene Kelly's one-man show, Renfield!, never took off.
  (Will suddenly spots Evel, and furiously pounds the glass with a goofy, anguished wail; all three riffers crack up, especially Kevin)
  Will: EeEeEuUuGgGgHhH!
  Mike: (laughing) Gene just found what he's getting paid for this.
• Leslie Nielsen as the Big Bad means a few shout-outs to his later comedy work: “And now, singing the national anthem, Enrico Palazzo!”
• Kevin closes the riff with "What happened to Red Buttons?"

Warriors of the Wasteland

Warriors of the Wasteland

• A Call-Back, of all things, to Birdemic.
  Kevin: (singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!
• There is also a Call-Back to The Room (2003). When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.
• When One receives his Laser-Guided Karma for his rape of Scorpion via an Ass Shove with a giant, hood mounted drill…
  Mike: Hey, you reap what you sow, buddy.

The Wizard

The Wizard

• This:
  Cop: Just where do ya think you're going?
  Jimmy: ...Cowefawnya.
  Kevin: I wanna vastly overpay for my house and spend half my time waiting in a left-turn lane.
• During the Breaking the Fellowship scene, when Corey and Haley are about to abandon their quest for Video Armageddon until Jimmy speaks, and they both rush to hug him:
  Kevin: (moved to tears) Oh, Nintendo bless us, every one!
• Kevin gets a little resentful during the Power Glove scene:
  Kevin: Oh, sure; how come when Lucas drives like this, he's awesome, but when I do, it's "do you know why I pulled you over sir?" and "will you step out of the car?" and "why is your backseat full of doll heads?"
• Immediately after the Power Glove scene, when Sam (Beau Bridges as the dad) and Nick (Christian Slater) are trying to share a single bed in a dingy motel:
  Mike: I know this seems like rock bottom to you now, Christian Slater, but just wait.
• After the "He touched my breast!" line:
  Mike: Remember, kids: you can't spell "molestation" without N-E-S.
  • A few scenes later, Putnam is talking on a pay phone:
    Putnam: (muttering) Touched her breast, she doesn't have breasts.
    Bill: What's that? You're transferring me to the FBI's 'Mega Creep' devision? Well, alright...
• During the Super Mario Bros. 3 tournament.
  Kevin (as Jimmy): Ah, this game is crap! Where the hell's Bob Hoskins?
• At the Video Armageddon tournament:
  Mike: God, seriously, this host is like a meth lab Willy Wonka.
• Everything involving Spanky, the huge, gentle trucker who breaks laws at the drop of a hat to help the kids:
  Mike: (enthusiastically) I do not make good life decisions!
• "Young Tobey Maguire has no pity for dorkness."
• When Jimmy runs into the dinosaur park at the end:
  Mike: "Wait, Jimmy, there's no consensus in the paleontologist community about whether brontosaurus was a distinct species, don't go in there!"
• In an early scene, the trio call attention to an oddly drawn picture on the wall in the background, which looks like a combination of a dog and a dinosaur.
  Bill: Woof-roar.

Wonder Women

Wonder Women

• "Japan: Sorry about World War II, you guys. Here's a big bunch of hentai."
• Wonder Women was the first Rifftrax VOD to feature topless nudity, which the guys ate up, though Mike admits it would have been sexier had they not been swimming in a pool full of blood.
  Kevin: Hah! If I had a nipple for every movie that started with topless women...
  • A little later:
    Bill: This movie is its own Rule 34!
• On the Dragon Lady's assistant's smile:
  Bill: (chuckling) His smile can light up an adult book store.
• During the cockfighting scene:
  Bill: If Darren Aronofsky directed Chicken Little.
• As our hero for no reason tumbles down a flight of stairs.
  Bill: I NEVER FIGURED OUT STAIIIIIRS!
• During the long foot race:
  Mike: Dude, she's outrunning you in 3 inch heels! You're never allowed to mention your CIA badass status again.
• Then the classic moment during the chase:
  Mike: Well, it's a dull chase, but at least we're getting a real sense of place, sights, people, lifestyle— (an Asian swamp eel slithers on the sidewalk by the camera) —OH, MOTHER OF GOD WHAT WAS THAT THING?!
  Kevin: And why aren't people screaming at the monster that slithered by?!
  Bill: Some kind of a land eel or rare delicacy?!
  Kevin: A remote controlled gila monster tail?!
  Mike: I'm going to go with Cthulhu's dick!
  Bill: Seems right - Cthulhu's dick it is.
• As a car crashes into an ox-drawn carriage.
  Mike: Oh, dear.
  Kevin: Oregon Trail meets Grand Theft Auto!
• As Ross Hagen has "brain sex":
  Kevin: You know, when I got here today, I didn't expect to see THE MOST VOMIT-INDUCING THING EVER COMMITTED TO FILM!!!
• During the closing chess scene:
  Kevin: He should have known something was up when her eHarmony profile just said, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh-huh?"
  Bill (as Ross Hagen): Ah, Blumenfeld's Gambit! Very clever, madam. Allow me to counter with... my penis.
  Mike: She's Kristen Stewart in a blonde wig, isn't she?
• The part of the chase scene where a pedestrian gets randomly struck by the escaping car. The guys quickly note how suspiciously real the collision looked.

The Wonderful Land of Oz

• This film was made by Barry Mahon, the same director of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, and boy does it show.
• After Glinda's introductory musical number fades out, Mike dubs her "The Good-Enough Witch."
• "In this movie, instead of a welcome song [to the Emerald City], there's just a janitor squeezing out his mop and coughing."
• Mike notices that the Pumpkin Man's deflated voice sounds remarkably familiar.
  Mike: He's voiced by Strong Sad, isn't he?
• A Running Gag has Bill portray the director as a Dirty Old Man making perverted comments during the scenes with General Jinjur and her army of young female soldiers.
  General Jinjur: We have nothing to fear of the royal army. They are old and weak. We are young and strong.
  Bill: (as Barry Mahon, the director) And live and nubile!
  Mike: Mr. Director, please!
  Bill: Look at 'em!
• As General Jinjur hands out some knitting needles^note In the book this movie is adapting, The Marvelous Land of Oz, these were the primary weapons used by General Jinjur's army, but they were never used to poke anyone as part of this movie's depiction of their takeover of the Emerald City, making their inclusion ultimately pointless. to her soldiers:
  Bill: (as one of the soldiers) So... we use these to clean the barrels of the machine guns you're handing out next, right?

The X From Outer Space

The X From Outer Space

• Bill, after reading the title: "The question on everyone's mind: Is the X gon' give it to ya?"
• The lunar base has a 1960s-type lounge in which the female crew are apparently expected to wear cocktail dresses:
  Mike: Space: it's basically Mad Men.
• The rather goofy-looking monster makes its appearance to chuckles from the riffers.
  Mike: It's the famous monster Airplane Head!
• "JUICE CLEANSE!"

Yambao

Yambao

• The guys show nothing but disdain for the white, slaveowning protagonist of the film and happily welcome the prospect of his being magically brainwashed by the witch Yambao, viewing it as karma for his own misdeeds.

Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Yor: The Hunter from the Future

• The guys don't even hide the fact they recognize Reb Brown from another one of his films they've riffed:
  Bill: A Space Mutiny! I mean, a Yor!
  • Which leads to this Mythology Gag during a later fightscene:
    Mike: Thunk Cavejumper!
• As Yor and Kala discuss his unknown origins:
  Yor: It is a question that's long burned in my mind.
  Kevin: Who played Tim's neighbor in Home Improvement?
• As Kala is captured at the beginning.
  Ukan: Take her back to the cave!
  Mike: We'll make her play Fantine in our production of Les Mis!
• The Running Gag of Kala being all-too willing to Murder the Hypotenuse whenever another woman shows attraction to Yor.
• When the Overlord is told that his robotic army has been rendered useless.
  Bill: That's something I've always wanted to say to Dr. Wily.
• As the Overlord is dying, the riffers act as if his final act before succumbing is trying to clear his browser history.

Zindy the Swamp Boy

Zindy, the Swamp-Boy

• Late in the film, Kevin starts to suspect inexplicably that the title character is "a werewolf from the past out to destroy mankind."
• This exchange:
  Zindy, who is an nine year old boy living in a swamp with a chimp and his grandpa: Grandpa, is there anything wrong with my sleeping naked?
  Grandpa: No, I guess not.
  Kevin: We apologize for anyone whose spouse heard this dialogue from another room and called the FBI.
  • And then a few minutes later:
  Mike: Yet when I sleep nude with a chimp, I get banned from riding First Class on United Airlines.
• Kevin, pretending to be Grandpa: Maybe I should wash my pants this year. ...meh.
• Mike, in a heavy accent: "What is in the bag? A shark or something?"
• Kevin, as the puma, who is almost never shown in the same frame as Zindy: "I'm in Ohio! Leave me alone!"
• Their utter hatred for the long, boring scenes of either Zindy playing the flute or Grandpa paddling through the swamp.
  Kevin, after the movie cuts back to yet another slow flute scene: Oh, for fuck's sake.
  Mike: It's like the Andy Griffith opening, except it never ends and we're in Hell.
• After seeing a driver whipping two horses pulling a carriage through the swamp in the middle of a monsoon:
  Bill: Horses! They should just kick our asses.
• Even though they have been making fun of the fact that Zindy is basically an ignorant, whiny moron and that the movie is boring and pointless, even they are shocked and horrified that the film ends abruptly with the puma mauling Zindy to death in front of Anita. It is one of the most awful Mood Whiplash moments in Rifftrax history.

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