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Funny / Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews

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    In general 
  • Every time he brings up a Felony Misdemeanor the bad guys are doing, and then shouts "The fiends!"
  • Ever since the Gamera-athon, his habit of referring to the obnoxious child characters as "Kennies" and being annoyed by them.
  • "No one will be thrilled during the dreadful [insert completely mundane and boring action] scene!" whenever a scene in a horror movie involving nothing important goes for way too long for the sake of Padding.
  • Whenever reviewing a foreign movie (often Turkish ones) with no subtitles, he will usually make up his own ridiculous ones.
  • "[Insert either Weaksauce Weakness or random act that would really kill anyone]! The [character]'s one weakness!"

  • When discussing the movie's famous zero gravity striptease opening, Brandon laments that it ends up as little more than a tease, since the credits are used as censor bars.
  • Brandon did not add the boner-like side effect when Barbarella gets her phallic-looking weapon. He did, however, add the "bong" sound when she gets knocked out by a snow ball.
  • When Barbarella gets assaulted by creepy killer dolls:
    Brandon: Run, run, Barbarella, they are very slowly and awkwardly coming to get you!
  • When Barbarella explains the act of sex on Earth now merely consists in just taking a pill, Brandon mocks it and says that would never actually happen....followed by the immediate display of logos of several erectile dysfunction pills onscreen.
  • Later, a man in a hairy outfit starts removing it, revealing an extremely hairy chest. Brandon visibly flinches.
    Brandon: Huh, he had another furry suit on under there!
  • Barbarella gets told she has entered the labyrinth. Cue a clip of the "Dance Magic Dance" David Bowie scene from the movie of the same name.
  • While trying to defend the movie's Special Effect Failure, Brandon argues it was made in 1967, and dares the viewers to name a single movie in that time who had great effects. Cue clips from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
    Brandon: ... Okay, point taken.
  • His constant lampshade of how much of a Faux Action Girl Barbarella is, constantly fiding her in distress only to get saved by someone else and coming up with really stupid plans like trying to go through the ground with her ship:
    Brandon: The Savior of the universe, ladies and gentlemen!
  • Barbarella goes to an older fellow named Professor Ping for help. The first thing he does is stare at her chest, then ask "You are of female gender, are you not?"
  • When the great Tyrant attempts to execute Barbarella by throwing her to killer parrots (something that in itself shocks Brandon for somehow being even lamer than the dolls), he laments that she would probably be safe if she had a coat hanger.
  • As the angel Pygar flies Barbarella and the Great Tyrant to safety, Barbarella asks why he's rescuing the latter after she tortured him. Pygar replies that an angel has no memory. Brandon takes this to its logical end.
    Brandon: An angel has no memory... who the hell are you two?

    Legend of the Dinosaurs 
  • The movie begins with a subtitle telling the viewer that it takes place in 1977... which was the same year the movie was released, so Brandon's not sure why they bothered. Another subtitle pops up on the screen, telling the viewer "By the way, you're watching this right now!"
  • At one point, Ashizawa calls a source to ask for more information on the cave with a dinosaur egg inside. The source gives him some information, then asks who he is. Brandon cracks up, figuring he should have asked that question first.
    Brandon!Source: That's right, the nuclear codes are 38-47-91. Now who is this again?... Hello?... Hellooo?
  • Brandon's increasing frustration with the soundtrack, which consists almost entirely of sultry/perky disco music... which contrasts jarringly with attempts at tense moments, and makes action sequences more funky than exhilarating. To show how bad this is, he shows a clip from Godzilla (1954) with Godzilla burning down Tokyo, and edits in the perky song "Disco Inferno".
    • Later, as the Plesiosaur kills a number of boaters, the soundtrack is oddly mellow, and Brandon mentions it sounds like a commercial for a smooth jazz compilation.
      Brandon: KBBL records presents Music to Kill Divers By, featuring all your mellow favorites - like Bite her Gently, Lady in the Water, and Why is the Dinosaur Cumming Out its Mouth?
  • Brandon also points out that the first half of the movie clearly wants to be a Jaws knock-off. Despite having no sharks or modern-day animals in it, it recreates certain scenes from that movie with remarkable attention to detail.
    Brandon: ...which simultaneously makes it one of the least and most obvious Jaws ripoffs ever! How do you even do that?!

    The Last Shark 
  • Near the beginning, the shark takes a chomp out of a windsurfer's board while he's riding on it.
    Brandon: Look out, he's got a taste for wood now!
  • Soon after, the shark apparently slams into the board so hard that both board and surfer explode up and out of the water. Brandon can't contain his laughter.
    Brandon: OK, I don't know why he bothered biting the surfboard, since apparently, he has dynamite!
  • In fact, the shark does this a couple times; it gets even better when it blasts an entire small boat and its sole rider up and out of the water like this.
    Brandon: What the hell, does the shark have a bazooka or something?! Jesus, even Wile E. Coyote doesn't cause explosions this big!
  • The governor tells one of his aides that he needs his new campaign ad up and running in a half-hour. Brandon is amazed.
    Brandon: Yes, because half-an-hour is totally enough time to set up, film, and edit an entire TV commercial. This guy probably turns to his wife after they're done having sex, and goes "OK, honey, that was good, now I'm gonna need that baby delivered by this afternoon. Naw, don't give me any of that "nine months" crap, I'm a busy man, chop-chop!"
  • Later, after a cameraman loses his lower half to the shark before being dragged up onto the raft, his death-grimace is... less than convincing.
    Brandon: Now there's a look that doesn't so much say "I just got my legs bit off", as much as "Oo, yeah, I was the one who let that fart out... sorry."

    The Giant Claw 
  • "Nice of them to show us who did the effect in the credit. That way, the audience knows who to blame once we actually see this thing."
  • Protagonist Mitch is mentioned to be a test pilot who, since he's technically a civilian, basically writes his own rules. He's a bit of a rebel in the movie, but Brandon takes the idea to the logical extreme.
    Brandon: Yeah, man! Mitch is a rebel! Just this morning, we told him to start his test flight at 0600, and instead he got on his motorcycle and drove off into the sunset... we should probably fire him."
  • Brandon comments it's common for monster movies to hide the monster at the beginning to create suspens, but he gets the feeling they were doing it here for a different reason.
    Brandon: You'll see what I mean in a bit.
    • Then when the monster does show up, he takes great pleasure in mocking the atrociously bad effect and ridiculous monster design, describing the thing as what would happen if the coco-pops bird fucked a Deadite.
      Officer: Believe me, Mr McAffee, this is no joke!
      Brandon: Oh, really? Did you see the monster? Even the pterodactyle from Legend of Dinosaurs would laugh at this thing!
      Narrator: Even then, the bird revealed itself to the world at large, and complacency quickly turned to panic.
      Brandon: You're sure it wasn't laughter?
  • Brandon grows irritated by the narrator talking for way too long past the introduction, and begins imitating that style:
    Brandon!Narrator: Brandon continued to make snide comments regarding the movie's quality while talking to the camera, punctuating his remarks with maybe a Doctor Who reference or something. His fans then asked him when he was going to do another Godzilla movie in the comments.
    • It becomes a Brick Joke when Mitchell MacAffee (The Hero) fixes the machine meant to kill the giant buzzard by applying Reverse Polarity and Brandon plays a montage of various times the Doctor has applied it in his show, and the narrator says "I told you that he would make a Doctor Who reference eventually". Brandon tells him to shut up.
  • Brandon's confusion over why the characters persist to refer to the titular monster as looking like a battleship, even though the creature looks nothing like one.
  • When the characters see a spiral "pattern" into the various dots on the map, Brandon brings up the Fridge Logic of how they could just as well connect them into a straight line. To demonstrate his point, he connects the dots into a different pattern... one shaped like a penis.
  • When the scientists explains there is an antimatter universe, Brandon jokes that here, all atoms are evil and have goattees.
  • The protagonists are confronted by the only thing scarier than monsters in the 50s: groudy teenagers.
    Teenager: Hey, man! Who's afraid of the big bad bird?
    Brandon: Hey, I know the answer to this one! You, in about two seconds! (cue an attack from the bird)

    Wicked City 
  • Brandon warns the viewers that while not technically a hentai, this movie does include violence, explicit sex scenes and tentacle rapes:
  • Brandon inserts his own dialogues in the movie's Exposition Dump prologue:
    Brandon: Like a lot of animes, this movie begins with a shot of Tokyo's famous Exposition district!
    Narrator: We live in an era where our cities are armed with steel and concrete; computer and electronics barricade our minds...
    Brandon: ... Filling our brains with Angry Birds and Candy Crush sagas...
    Narrator: It doesn't change the fact that there exist a lot of strange phenomenon. Bizarre, with no reason or logic.
    Brandon: Oh, I know! Some people make cartoon demon porn!
    Narrator: Most folks just don't see them...
    Brandon: Well, most folks aren't me, so I have to watch weird shit like this!
    Narrator: There is a world of darkness down there; a world filled with evil...
    Brandon: The Japanese call it... Puroland!
  • Brandon comments that the protagonist's Establishing Character Moment doesn't do that well of a job to establish him as The Casanova, given the woman he manages to pick was the only other person in the bar.
  • After the movie's first sex scene, Brandon snarkily comments that, according to this movie's running time, the protagonist lasted thrity seconds.
  • As the woman's hands start turning into spider legs around the protagonist:
    Brandon: Yeah, that's a bit creepy, but so far I don't see why people say this movie is so fucked up... (cue Vagina Dentata) OH SWEET GOD!
    • On a note, he actually approves of the above thing. Why? Because thanks to it, he doesn't have to black box her genitals.
  • After watching the opening scene involving the protagonist barely surviving a Death by Sex situation from a monster woman he was sleeping with, Brandon notices that woman followed him at the bar, fucked the shit out of him, and left without asking for anything. Which he considers makes it the perfect date.
  • In a movie filled with bizarre and disturbing monsters, horrifying violence, and rape-demon-infused squick completely hamstringing the vast majority of potential sensuality, the protagonist doesn't bat an eye until the very end, when something else happens.
    Brandon: I love how after all the horrific shit he's seen, the time when Taki looks the most afraid is when he learns the girl he just slept with is pregnant.

    Once Upon a Girl 

    Slaughter High 

    Demon Knight 
  • His consternation after finding out the movie came out in January rather than Halloween:
    Brandon: Right, because nothing says scary like the month between Chrismas and Valentine's Day!
  • Him stating the opening gives everything to expect from Tales from the Crypt: gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, and gratuitous guest-stars.
  • Upon finding out the movie stars Billy Zane and William Sadler:
    Brandon: I gotta question putting these two in the same movie; I mean, how am I supposed to tell who's playing the creepy bad guy and who's playing the really creepy bad guy?
  • Upon noticing how many characters are played by famous actors, Brandon jokes that it wouldn't surprise him if Roger Rabbit shew up. Cue Roger Rabbit's voice actor showing up.
  • His explanation why he likes Billy Zane so much in this movie:
  • When the Collector summons his demons and they get out of sight, one of the characters asks where they go:
    Brandon: Aw, don't worry, they are just hiding behind that Jump Scare! (one of the demons does one) See?
  • When Breaker explains the best way to kill demons is to shoot them in the eyes, Brandon points out that's not a very good strategy, since it apparently allows them to shoot you back with Eye Beams.
  • Then Breaker reveals that the magic he used to protect them from demons stop working if they kill a demon, much to Brandon's confusion:
    Breaker: Damn it, I am not making up those rules!
    Brandon: Really? Because it sounds like you are!
  • His frustration over the fact the movie turns out to be actually pretty good, with an interesting story, good actors, characters he cares about and even a child character who isn't annoying and gets killed off, making it really hard for him to find things to criticize.
  • The Collector's secret weapon to convince Uncle Willie: an R-Rating.
  • "Aw, poor Roach. He didn't deserve to die... oh wait, yes he did."
  • Billy Zane's character informs the female protagonist he "will tell her something he never said to anyone before":
    Brandon: "I don't regret making Scorpion King 3?"

    Bordello of Blood 
  • "No wonder you don't know where you're going, you are looking at a map of Middle Earth, you idiots!"
  • When the explorers find Lilith's body:
    Explorer: What da... fuck?!
    Brandon: (chuckle) I think that's the same reaction the audience had on this movie's opening weekend!
    Head Explorer: This here is the most horrible woman the World has ever known!
    Brandon: Leona Helmsley?
  • When Lilith, upon revival, kills one of the explorers by inflicting him a Groin Attack with her Overly Long Tongue:
    Brandon!Explorer: Aaaaaah! Best death ever!
  • This exchange:
    Mummy: And I don't need to tell you what a piece of shit that was!
    Cryptkeeper (thinking): No, you don't... I know what a piece of shit it was!
  • When the characters at the beginning of the movie get to the titular Bordello, which turns out to be disguised as a funeral parlour, Brandon points out they are pretty stupid to be surprised the place looks like "a Necrophiliac's wet dream" when the guy who directed them here told them it was a funeral house.
    Brandon: If that guy had come to you and said "I know a pet shop where you can get all the pussy you want", would you be surprised if he meant Bestiality?!
  • Brandon's way to explain how Dennis Miller was an asshole on set:
    "Dennis plays a private dick, which is out of character for him, since usually he is a dick in public!"
    • He then goes on to explain that even if he was an asshole on set, his Deadpan Snarker attitude ends up being the most entertaining thing about this movie.
  • "Luckily, Dennis is a master of martial arts... movie puns!"
  • Brandon's growing irritation with the movie's juvenile humor:
    (As the mortician is playing with a corpse's breast) Ah ah, it's funny because boobies!
    (As a fart noise is heard) Ah ah, it's funny because fart!
    (As the mortician goes to answer the door to Dennis Miller and asks who it is) It's the only actor with some decent jokes in this movie! Let him in! Please!
  • When Lilith reveals Dennis Miller's character has an unique type of blood:
    Brandon: Oh yeah, and what type is that, "B Sarcastic"?
    Lilith: Oh, we gotta keep him alive!
    Brandon: I know! He is the best character in that movie!

  • When commenting about how the Cryptkeeper puppet is significantly less good in this movie:
    Brandon: Oh, and if you thought the puns were bad before... (cue the Cryptkeeper making horrible puns about "deadlocks" and "a little head") ... theeeeey're.... uh.... about the same, really.
  • The Running Gag of him complaining about a scene, but concluding that at least it didn't have a cheap jump scare, only for the scene to immediately be followed by one every single time.
  • When it's stated Voodoo is like disco:
    Brandon: Soooo, it's better when you're on cocain, then?

    Halloween III: Season of the Witch 

    Son of Godzilla 
  • "Oh, thanks God, Godzilla's here! Maybe the giant radio-active dinosaur will inject some logical sense into this movie!"
  • Upon noticing how happy the movie's theme is, Brandon wonders how this music would go with the original movie. Cue a clip of the original movie with this music.
  • Him mocking how the main characters apparently consider giant praying mantis perfectly normal, but won't believe there can be a woman on the island.
  • Also, his hilarity that the movie decided having praying mantis growing to gigantic size as a result of the radiation would have been hard to swallow, but believed it would be more credible to have the mantis already giant for no reason and then have the radiations make them grow even bigger.
  • Godzilla just taught his son how to breath fire:
    Brandon!Godzilla: Congratulation, son! Now I will teach you how to shave!
    Brandon!Minilla: But we don't have hair...
    Brandon!Godzilla: Shut up and go get my razor!

    Destroy All Monsters 
  • When the villain boasts the Earth Monsters cannot win against King Ghidorah:
    Brandon: Yes, Earth's Monsters can't hope to beat Ghidorah! Last time, it took Godzilla and Rodan combined to defeat him, and now you've only got... (shot of Godzilla with nearly all the other Kaiju in the entire franchise backing him up) Oh, shit. You did not think this plan through.
  • His disgust over Minilla, of all people, dealing the final blow to one of King Gidorah's heads.
  • When the reporter states that "Godzilla will lead these monsters in mortal combat!"
    Brandon: Well, when there's a setup like that (grabs his remote), you all know what I have to do. (click)
    MORTAL KOMBAT! *dun dun dun dadada dun dun dun du-dun du-dun* FIGHT!

    Giant Monster Gamera 
  • Proclaiming "Oh, shit!" as he learns the Patreon goal for the Gamera-a-thon has been reached.
  • His utter confusion over the fact Gamera already is presented as a Friend to All Children in this movie, even though that one introduced him as a bad guy and is repeatedly seen slaughtering several adults. Cue him portraying Gamera as suffering a huge case of Moral Myopia, regularly slaughtering innocent adults and doing property damage only to stop every now and then to save a random kid.
  • When the humans try defeating Gamera by getting him on his back, based on the logic that turtles cannot get back on their legs when put in this situation, Brandon points out it's probably not a good idea to try to reason like with normal turtles when dealing with a giant fire-breathing one.

    Gamera vs Barugon 
  • "Now Barugon shouldn't be confused with Baragon which is a completely different japanese monster. Allow me to illustrate the difference: Barugon is a brown four-legged lizardy thing with a horn on its head, while Baragon is a brown four-legged lizardy thing with a horn on its head. Hopefully I cleared that out for you!"
  • "Alright, it's time for the giant flying turtle to face off against the rainbow death lizard to find out once and for all who's more ridiculous!"

    Gamera vs Viras 
  • Him describing the alien spaceship's design as Bees' butts stuck together.
  • "Gamera takes control of the situation by... taking a nap. Great, even Gamera realizes these aliens aren't a threat."

    Death Sport 
  • Brandon mentions the main actor took a lot of drugs during the making of the movie. Cue him preparing for the review by following his example.
  • His utter confusion over what the rules of the titular Death Sport even are, given the villains do little during it other than randomly charging at the good guys until they somehow kill themselves or get killed by the good guys.
    Villain (after executing a minion for questioning him]): Any other request?
    Brandon!Mook: Yeah, some clearly defined rules for Death Sport might be nice!
  • The Mooks in this movie show such a degree of incompetence, constantly forgetting to use their guns and randomly throwing themselves off cliffs, that Brandon actually approves of the villain practicing You Have Failed Me; after all, it feels like he is the only one trying to defeat the good guys.
  • When the Mooks actually succeed in knocking out the protagonist:
    Brandon: These guys are surprisingly effective once they remember they have guns!
  • Him lampshading how the villains keep boasting about their motorcycles are fearsome weapons, when the things have been constantly shown to be Made of Explodium.
    (After hearing villains refer to it as "the ultimate weapon"): Yeah, unless a buttefly lands on it, then we're screwed!

    Death Machine 
  • Brandon's mentions the movie was banned in several countries due to excessive violence:
    Brandon: Right, because God forbid a movie called Death Machine has any violence in it!
  • When the CEO suddenly screams "FUCK THE LEAK!", Brandon jokingly asks if that's also his answer when people ask to go to the bathroom.
  • When we're introduced to Jack Dante:
    Brandon: Dale decides to check in on Dante, who spends his days in a dark room... watching cartoons and porn? Holy crap, he's me!
  • This film was banned in some countries due to Brad Dourif playing a character (Jack Dante) that could encourage people to commit evil acts... and Brandon agrees with that reasoning.
  • Brandon's reaction upon finding out the police somehow diagnosed someone being killed in a building as a shark attack. This leads him to conclude that, with Police that incompetent, Jack Dante could have left a video of him doing it, and still get away with it.
  • "Holy crap, the Death Machine just killed that guy! ... I think. The editing makes it hard to see what's going on."
  • Jack Dante saying "there is a psycho death fuck on the lose":
    Brandon: Are you talking about the Death Machine, or you?

    Gamera vs Jiger 
  • Brandon's reaction to the movie's dubious biology about how northerners and southerners grow weak in the opposite environment.
    Brandon: Yeaaah, I think if you bought an Eskimo a ticket to Cancun, they probably wouldn't drop dead as soon as they got off the plane!

    The Green Slime 
  • "So the movies is set in the far future of : Whenever it takes place! (They don't actually say)".
  • Upon listening to the famous Green Slime theme song:
    Brandon: Yeah, that's right, back then, people were on so much acid they could even make slime sounds groovy!
  • Brandon making mention thrice that the movie (which has one of the protagonists casually mention that he considers his former friend's still-smouldering anger about the Noodle Incident that killed their friendship "bitching about it" and several pretty gory deaths) is rated G for "General Audiences" (made in a pre-PG-13 era).
    Remember kids, this movie has a lower rating than Frozen!

    Guyver; Dark Hero 

    Silver Bullet 

  • The movie begins with the narrator mentioning he doesn't want to tell the story... and Brandon immediately inserts a "The End" title card.
  • At one point, the boat's skipper and first mate grumble about their passengers acting like spoiled children.
  • The castaways find an abandoned boat, and discover it's completely overgrown with fuzzy mold and fungus.
    Brandon: Mmmm... I dunno about this boat. From the looks of it, it is way past its expiration date!
  • Brandon makes the inevitable drug jokes as the island's mushrooms become a major part of the plot, then spends some time defending himself since hallucinations, heavy smoke and fog, and increasingly-deranged people are all majorly important in the film.
  • When the castaways discover the last people on the island took all the mirrors out of their ship and smashed them deep in the jungle...
    Brandon: Hey, look - speaking from personal experience, it is not a good idea to look in a mirror when you're on mushrooms.
  • At one point, one character suggests to another that they ditch everyone else and escape the island on the yacht with all the food.
    Brandon: I got a better idea. How about we all go, and when we run out of food, we'll just eat you?

    Death Machines 
  • Brandon clarifies that despite similarities in the title, this movie isn't a sequel to the Death Machine movie involving the heroin fighting her way through armies of robots before confronting a robot queen. He then immediately asks how it comes such a movie doesn't exist.
    Brandon: Somebody get Brad Dourif on the phone and make that happen right now!
    • And as a Brick Joke to both this and Brandon joking that Jack Dante (Dourif's character in Death Machine) looks like Tommy Wiseau, he ends the review saying that he's gonna pitch the idea to Dourif and see if he can convince Wiseau to play Jack Dante's brother.
  • "Sure, this guy as two swords, but this one has a triple-nuntchaku! You need to be twice as high to think those are cool!"
  • When one of the Death Machines win his first duel by pulling out a gun and just shooting:
    Brandon: Dude! Cheating!
    Villainess: They will do nicely!
    Brandon!Villaness: Especially the one who knows that guns are better than knives!
  • Brandon refers to the titular Death Machines (a group of highly trained dangerous assassins) as "White Death Machine", "Black Death Machine" and "Asian Death Machine", based on their skin color. He then clarifies it's not a joke- the IMDB page for the movie literally refers to them as such.
  • The constant lampshade of how all the crime bosses and gangster in this movie look like insurance salesmen or old car owners.
  • The Death Machines highly unstealthy approach at killing people, including throwing bombs at them, throwing them from a building or hitting them with vehicles;
    Brandon: So tell me, what would the Death Machines consider a discreet assassination, luring a guy into a Shark Pool filled with dynamite?
  • His confusion over what the heck the villainess wants to do with the Death Machines, since they go randomly from having to kill crime bosses to slaughtering an entire karate school, to kidnapping a banquer's daughter.
    "Meanwhile, Big Hair Lady continue with her plan! Maybe some day I'll understand what it is!"
  • The movie ends on a Sequel Hook with the Death Machines escaping on an airport:
    Brandon: ... And then they became the A-Team.

    The Devil's Sword 

    Q: The Winged Serpent 
  • Brandon's reaction to Jimmy's piano playing:
    Brandon: You know, cocaine scat is probably my least favorite '80s music trend. It is one of my favorite porn genres, though.

    Queen Kong 

    Transformers the Movie 
  • Brandon point out how the movie as a ridiculous level of Mood Whiplash, constantly switching from characters getting brutally murdered to silly scenes.
  • The Sharkticons being referred to as the "What-the-Fuck-ticons".
  • When Wheelie shows up, Brandon is horrified and refers to him as a "Robot Kenny".
  • The Running Gag of characters being killed because their toys didn't sell well, which Brandon compares to the executives holding the Transformers at gunpoint and guilt-tripping kids about not having bought enough toys of their favourite characters.
    Brandon, as a Hasbro executive: Hey, kids! Real sorry for brutally murdering several of the Transformers characters you'd grown attached to on the show, like Optimus Prime, but I'm afraid you gave us no choice! Y'see, turns out you just weren't buying enough of their toys, and we had to make some new ones! So in a way, it's like you killed Optimus Prime! So remember to be good little boys and girls, and ask your parents to get you all the new characters from the movie, because if you don't, I'm not sure I can guarantee their safety!
  • Brandon points out how ridiculous it is that Optimus Prime was killed by a mere shot in the chest when Ultra Magnus survives being blown to pieces
    Brandon: I mean, next you'll tell me Starscream [who got blown to pieces by Galvatron] is still alive- (shot of the title for the episode "Starscream's Ghost") OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

    The Story of Ricky 

    Godzilla vs Monster Zero 

    Get Mean 
  • Brandon explains this movie actually is the third of a trilogy featuring a common protagonist only known as "the Stranger":
    Brandon: And if you are confused about why I am starting with the last movie in the series, don't worry: seeing the other ones is not gonna help you tell what the hell is going on in this one!
  • When noticing the movie was brought by "Strange Film Incorporated":
    Brandon: Yeah, there's the understatement of the year! It's like saying Turkish Spider-Man was brought to you by "Definitely Not Marvel Studios"!
  • The Stranger goes visit a gypsy medium:
    Brandon!Medium: In your future, I see a very weird movie!
  • Brandon explains this movie (which starts out in The Wild West) is asked to escort a princess to Spain so she can stop a horde of medieval Barbarians invading her land:
    Brandon: that's not a joke, that's really the plot of this movie! I wasn't kidding when I said "strange film" was an understatement!
  • Then said medieval barbarians show up in the bar in full viking gear:
    Brandon: I am starting to suspect this is not the old west! [...] Man, season 2 of Westworld is really weird!
  • When comparing the movie to Indiana Jones, Brandon admits this movie still is so far less silly than Crystal Skull.
  • "Man, no one ever told me about the moorish-barbarians wars of 1900s Spain! My History teacher was full of shit!"
  • The Stranger complains, after hearing about a secret treasure, that "they got everything in this country":
    Brandon: They got everything in this movie, that's for sure!
  • "I think the barbarians just invented guns since we last saw them..."
  • Brandon's really repeated use of Review Ironic Echo in this review:
    Stranger: Now somebody better tell me what the hell is going on around here!
    Brandon: There's the tag line for the movie!
  • Being more and more confused about the complete Mind Screw that is this movie, Brandon gives us this:
    Brandon: At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if the flying head from Zardoz shew up! (wolf howling suddenly start out of nowhere in the movie) ... But this guy randomly turning into a werewolf will! (Skeletons appear) and I guess it's Army of Darkness now?! What the fuck??!
  • "Please tell me this starts making sense..." (random explosion)
  • The treasure turns out to be some kind of horse statue, which Brandon refers to as a "medieval My Little Poney doll".
  • When the Stranger grabs the treasure, a random Screaming Warrior shows up out of nowhere to attack him, only for the Stranger to take him down in one hit before promptly leaving:
  • The Stranger finds everyone dead:
    Stranger: What happened?
    Brandon: ... Is what everyone in the audience said after this movie ended?
  • "Wearing Black Face isn't fatal! It just means you're an idiot!"
  • After the Stranger is captured by the barbarians, Brandon asks what they are going to do with him. Cue the Barbarians dressing as the Ku Klux Klan and preparing to eat him:
  • "Don't destroy the scenery! Now what else is this guy supposed to chew?

  • When the movie opens with Deathstalker slaughtering monster and killing a man who was about to rape a girl, Brandon asks if this means the girl is safe now. Cue Deathstalker preparing to rape her himself.
    Brandon: ... It really isn't that girl's day, is it?
  • Then as Deathstalker complains after the girl escaped:
    Brandon!Deathstalker: Aw, many, I was hoping to kill, steal and rape today! That's like the barbarian trifecta!
  • The king states they need a hero:
  • To show how much the sorcerer's party room look like a Death Metal video, Brandon inserts actual moments from a Death Metal concert in it, showing how hard it is to tell which part wasn't from the scene.
  • When Deathstalker takes the princess along with him, Brandon tries cracking a joke about his Designated Hero status again by dubbing him as a dick... only for Deathstalker's actual line to be even worse than his:
    Brandon: Damn it, Deathstalker, quit being more of an asshole than I am!
  • During the infamous scene of Monkar turning his henchman into the princess:
    Brandon: And on that day, Monkar invented transformation porn! DeviantArt was never the same again!
  • "Wait, so Oghrin's reward for winning the fight is being thrown in the dungeon? That seems kind of a shitty prize!"

    Reefer Madness 
  • Brandon points out that the film was originally a regular "scare 'em straight" educational film and the production company made it an exploitation film by adding a few extra scenes, and says:
    Brandon: You know you are not doing a good film if all it takes it to make it an exploitation movie is add a few scenes.
  • Later, the movie literally calls Marijuana a more dangerous drug than Heroin, much to Brandon's amusement.
    Brandon: So the next time you're at a party and someone hands you a joint, do the smart thing and just chase the dragon, instead. That's the healthier choice!
  • The movie also shows the "effects" of someone driving while stoned out of their mind.
    Brandon: Unfortunately, because the kid is high, he drives so slow that it takes them forever to get where they're going aaaaand I'm just fuckin' with ya, he actually drives fast.

  • Brandon decides to talk about a horror movie that took inspiration from old horror comic books for Halloween:
    Brandon: I can't possibly see me having any problems with that! (shot of his Bordello of Blood review being blocked). Wellll... this movie wasn't put out by Universal, so... I should be okay!... Hopefully.
  • Creepshow is described by Brandon as "one of the greatest comic book movies that... isn't actually based off a comic book."
  • Brandon seemingly Tempting Fate during the lead in to the movie.
    Brandon: So we got two titans of the horror genre finally working together for the first time! What could go wrong? (Beat) Nothing! Sometimes I do movies I like on this show! What? It happens!
  • When mentioning Dr. Fredric Wertham's infamous book "Seduction of the Innocent", which killed off the horror genre in comic books for years, Brandon snarkily comments about how ironic this is, given he feels Wertham look like someone who'd normally be ''hosting'' a horror comic book.
  • When Billy's father spouts out some of the things he's seen in the comic book he just swiped from his son, Brandon reminds him that he's the one who'll describe the stories in the movie.
  • When it's revealed the first segment is called "Father's Day":
    Brandon: It's about damn time somebody made a horror movie about that! (shot of ThanksKilling, New Year's Evil, Halloween, April Fools' Day, Silent Night, Deadly Night and My Bloody Valentine) Why should all these other holidays get all the attention?
  • When Brandon gets his first look at the Grantham family:
    Brandon: I'm not sure why this family of rich douchebags is gathered together, but I'm assuming it's so this lady note  can kill some dalmatians for a furcoat!
  • When Sylvia and her niece and nephew casually reveal to Hank that Great Aunt Bedelia killed her father:
    Brandon: Uhhh, if someone in your family committed a murder, you might wanna a be a bit more discreet about it! (Beat) Eh, what am I saying? They're rich, they'll probably be fine.
  • In general, Brandon points out how the protagonists of these stories are too quick to jump to Murder Is the Best Solution, and suggests alternative ways of dealing with their victims. In the case of Nathan Grantham, he suggests dropping him in an old folks home.
  • Brandon mocking the Too Dumb to Live Hank for stupidly lying below a slowly collapsing tombstone even as a zombie is approaching.
    Brandon!Hank: Oh, shit, a zombie. I should probably get up. I am curious to see what this stone's gonna do, though. (after being predictably crushed by the falling tombstone) Agh, it killed me! You know, I had a feeling this is what was gonna happen, but... I wanted to be sure.
    • Before that, there's his reaction to the scene where Hank is disco dancing:
    Brandon: The real reason for this sequence was so Ed Harris could show off the new skinny jeans he bought.
  • When Sylvia discovers that Mrs. Danvers, the servant, has been murdered:
    Zombie!Nathan: I want my cake! (breaks Sylvia's neck)
    Brandon: Oh, never mind! She's dead! Which in her case is probably a relief.
  • When Jordy Verrill, the hick played by Stephen King, thinks about selling the meteor he's found to the local college:
    Brandon: Uh, listen Stephen, I know you think this meteor is gonna make you rich and famous, but trust me: just write the novel Carrie, and the rest will fall into place!
  • When Stephen King's character starts drinking, Brandon jokes that he's preparing himself to write the script for Maximum Overdrive... before telling his audience that, yes, he will think about reviewing that movie too someday.
  • Brandon tells Jordy that instead of selling the broken meteor, he could sell the liquid inside of it, which he refers to as a new flavor of Gatorade.
    Jordy: Meteor shit!
    Brandon: Mmmmm, probably not the name I'd go with, but you're brainstorming.
  • Brandon interprets the alien vegetation growing on Jordy's skin as a "Chia Pet infection", and believes that it might actually be the case when he learns that the vegetation needs water to spread.
  • Brandon's reaction to the green lighting emphasizing the alien vegetation spreading across Jordy's farm:
    Brandon: Come on, movie! Quit being so colorful! What are you trying to be a comic book... Oh, right. Never mind.
  • When Leslie Nielsen's character, Richard, confronts Harry at his door, Brandon chimes in to remind Harry not to call him "Shirley".
  • Brandon also mentions how Nielsen managed to portray such a ruthless and effective bad guy.
    Brandon: Turns out that cold deadpan he delivered comedy lines in is also really good at delivering villain dialogue.
  • When Harry, played by Ted Danson, offers to pay Richard to dig him out of the sand, Brandon mentions that since the movie came out before Cheers, he isn't rich yet.
  • Noticing that Richard is watching Harry and Becky drown from surveillance monitors in his house, Brandon again brings up the idea of how being under constant surveillance is creepy, before accepting that everything everyone does is recorded constantly. He then shoots the "I'm watching you" gesture towards his Playtation 4.
  • Brandon's reaction to Richard discovering that the reanimated corpses of Harry and Becky have suddenly appeared behind him when he locks the door:
    Brandon: Well, Leslie should have known; this movie was made in the 80s, which means horror movie villains can teleport.
    • Following this, at the end of the story, he overlays the end credits for Police Squad! onto Nielsen's head poking out of the sand as the tide comes in.
  • Brandon theorizes that Wilma keeps telling people to call her "Billie" because she has the same hairstyle as Billy Squier.
  • Brandon notes that despite the fact that Henry, played by Hal Holbrook, is upset with Wilma constantly demeaning him, he still looks happy about being in a better film than Girl's Night Out.
  • Much like he did with Nathan Grantham, Brandon suggests that Wilma could be dealt with in other ways; either by taking her to AA or turning her into a Reality TV celebrity.
  • When the titular Crate of "The Crate" is found, Brandon jokes that it hopefully doesn't contain John Carpenter's The Thing (1982). Cue the reveal that the crate does in fact have "Carpenter" stenciled on it.
  • When grad student Charlie Gereson discovers the crate and attempts to investigate it:
    Brandon: Lemme guess: this guy has two days until graduation. (the monster emerges from the shadows and wounds Gereson) Yep. I was right.
  • One of the points that Wilma makes to her rant toward Henry is that he is supposedly not good at making money, which leaves Brandon baffled.
    Brandon: No good at making money? (cut to a shot of Wilma and Henry's rather large house) What, did he win this house in a contest or something?
  • Brandon also becomes baffled when Henry, after disposing of the monster, mentions to Dexter that there hasn't been any evidence of foul play left behind.
    Brandon: Uhhh, three people you knew are missing, including your wife. I'd say there's a pretty good chance the cops are still gonna investigate you. (over footage of the monster (Fluffy) escaping from the crate as it sits at the bottom of a quarry) Eh, well it doesn't matter. Nobody's gonna believe Fluffy's testimony anyway.
  • Upon hearing music from The Evil Dead (1981) on Pratt's jukebox, Brandon believes that he must be a big fan of the film.
  • When Pratt mentions that the rent for his penthouse apartment is $3200 a month, Brandon says that the amount is almost enough to rent a closet in San Francisco.
  • Pratt discovers roaches in a box of cereal and furiously attempts to crush them:
    Brandon: Hey, don't get upset! Roaches are very high in protein.
  • Handyman Mr. White tells Pratt that he is contacting exterminators known as the Farrelly Brothers, Brandon hopes that it's the Farrelly Brothers that made Dumband Dumber and not The Three Stooges:The Movie.
  • After witnessing the gruesome final scene where roaches erupt from Pratt's corpse, Brandon theorizes that this is the point where any guys who brought a date to the movie realized that they probably weren't getting laid.
  • Brandon's reaction to the ad with for the voodoo doll:
    Brandon: Damn, I never got any voodoo doll coupons in my comics! All I ever got were those stupid "mail-order monkey" ads. And before you ask, yep. That was a real thing you could get back in the day.

    Creepshow 2 
  • Since this movie, like the first one, includes stories from Stephen King, it doesn't take long for Brandon to guess it's taking place in Maine.
    Brandon: Ah, I knew you wouldn't let me down, movie! The first one had a distinct lack of being set in Maine!
  • Brandon advises Billy, the kid in the opening segment, to avoid the sinister looking delivery truck, along with any vehicle whose license plate says "Creep".
    Brandon: The only thing more obvious would be a van with the word "pedo" emblazened on the side!
  • There's also his reaction to the introduction of the Creep himself, who is disguised as a deliveryman in the aforementioned "Creep" truck, looks like a mix between a creepy old man and a goblin, and has a deep scary voice.
  • When comparing this movie to its predecessor, Brandon describes the first Creepshow as being like Tales from the Crypt, while Creepshow 2 is more like Tales From The Cryptkeeper... before admitting he's actually still okay with that.
  • The first story, "Old Chief Wood'nhead", is about a living wooden statue of a Native American Chief aptly named "Old Chief Wood'nhead". Brandon points out that the Chief sounds and looks like a sport team mascot that people would protest against on Twitter. Though he still thinks that's not as bad as that statue in North Dakota of a Native American doing a Nazi salute (which he confirms really exists).
  • Brandon notes that the first story stars George Kennedy. As the first film had Leslie Nielsen in a starring role, Brandon assumes that this is because the filmmakers wanted to use all of the Naked Gun actors in the series.
  • Brandon chimes in during Martha's monologue about how the town of Dead River is dying:
    Brandon!Ray: Look, honey, we've been over this. Either we stay here or move back to Rape Island, okay?
  • When Martha makes a doubtful comment about Native Americans to her husband Ray, Brandon asks if the story is actually going to be about two ederly racists, which he thinks would actually be an interesting twist.
  • Brandon hails Benjamin Whitemoon, the Native American elder, as a great guy. Not only because he trusted the Spruces with his tribes' most precious treasures, but also because he isn't offended by their stereotypical Native American statue.
    • Earlier, Brandon also delivers a bit of Fridge Logic when Benjamin tells Ray to accept the treasures:
    Brandon!Ray: Uhhh yeah, thanks, but uh... I can't actually pay my bills with these. So if you could maybe give me some cash in the meantime?
  • Brandon notes that Sam Whitemoon's goons, Andy and Fatso, look like extras from an 80's frat boy comedy, and soon thinks that they may actually be just that.
    • There's also the reaction to Fatso's name and the fact that he's quite gluttonous:
    Brandon: Okay, nice of the movie to riff itself for me.
  • Sam mentions that he plans to go to Hollywood, where he believes his hair is going to get him "paid and laid", prompting Brandon to agree.
    Brandon: He's right about making money. You could make a lot of Cherokee hair tampons with that.
  • In an effort to showcase how Creepshow 2 was made with less than half the budget of the first film, Brandon points out the sloppiness of Martha's death scene.
  • Brandon's utter confusion over Old Chief Wood'nhead suddenly howling to the moon after he comes to life:
    Brandon: Old Chief Wood'nhead comes to life to avenge the shopkeepers' murder. But first, he needs to do his make up. (Old Chief Wood'nhead lets out a howling cry)...And I guess he's also a werewolf?
  • Brandon's reaction to Fatso being killed with arrows:
    Brandon: Damn! And he had just two minutes until the pizza he ordered got there.
  • There's also his reaction to Old Chief Wood'nhead slowly and stiffly making his way towards Sam:
    Brandon: George Romero presents: Night of the Living Wood!
  • While Sam is getting scalped by the Chief, Brandon dubs over him to complain about the Chief giving into a bad stereotype about Native Americans.
  • As the first story ends, Brandon declares the situation a win-win, as Old Chief Wood'nhead got revenge for the shopkeepers' murder and Benjamin doesn't owe them money anymore since they're dead.
  • His complaint about the Uncanny Valley regarding the postal worker in the animated interlude:
    Brandon: Does every adult in this movie have to look like they want to molest this kid?!
  • The next story, "The Raft", opens with a group of college kids smoking joints:
    Brandon: Hey, look. It's how the script for this movie and the script for this video was written!
  • Brandon notices how excited the kids seem to be to drive to a lake that has a raft in the middle of it.
    Brandon: Yeah! Fuck Cancun, we're going on a raft for Spring Break this year!
  • Brandon mentions that he keeps excpecting the kids to run into the guys from the opening scene of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 going the other way.
  • Brandon watches as the blob makes its first appearance; moving towards the raft as Randy urges Laverne to swim faster.
    Brandon: Yeah, swim or you'll have to touch this empty garbage bag. And it might be slimy.
    • Brandon also notes that while he can't exactly prove it, he assumes that British Petroleum is responsible for the oil monster.
  • Brandon repeatedly refers to Deke as "Chad" because he believes he looks and acts like a "Chad". A few seconds later, he decides that his name should instead be "Brosicle".
  • Listening to the gurgling noises the blob makes when night falls, Brandon thinks that it might have gas.
  • Brandon notes how Randy looks "mildly surprised" when Laverne is eaten by the blob monster.
  • As the story ends with all four kids being eaten by the blob, Brandon attempts to sum up the moral:
  • Brandon notes how Rhino, the lead bully, resembles Danzig:
    Brandon: Man, Glenn Danzig was an asshole before he started working out! Actually, he was still kind of an asshole even after that, but you get what I'm saying.
  • Brandon mentions that the star of the last story, "The Hitch-hiker", is Lois Chiles, known for playing Dr. Holly Goodhead in Moonraker.
    Brandon: Now, this role is a lot more dignified. Here, her character's name is Prof. Becky Polesmoker.
  • Brandon's reaction to Annie's lover claiming that she had six orgasms during sex:
    Brandon: Okay, don't flatter yourself, pal. Five of those were just her being nice.
    • Brandon also goes out of his way to point out the visible copy of IT in the background.
  • As Annie debates on what to tell her husband on why she is late while also not mentioning that she is cheating on him, Brandon dubs over that she "was out fucking a guy for free", and then mentions that it won't work. Cue Annie saying nearly the same thing a second later, leaving Brandon incredulous.
  • Brandon's Alternate Character Interpretation of the undead Hitchhiker, portraying him as just desperately asking for a ride from Annie rather than wanting to kill her. At first, it's because he really doesn't want to make the trip with Stephen King.
    • Speaking of Stephen King, when his character not-so-sublty notes that the Hitchhiker is black...
    Brandon: Stephen King, you lunkhead!
  • Brandon takes note of how Lois' character debates on whether or not she can live with what she's done:
    Brandon: Okay, c'mon Lois. This is a horror anthology movie. There is no way you're living until the end of this.
  • There's also Brandon's reaction to the scene where Annie glimpses the Hitchhiker she killed and later discovers that he's dissappeared.
    Annie: You're seeing things, bitch!
    Brandon: Hey! Quit stealing my riffs before I can make 'em!
  • Brandon comparing the soundtracks of the first Creepshow and Creepshow 2 by pointing out the heavy metal music that plays as Annie tries to rid herself of the Hitchhiker.
    Brandon: It kinda sounds like if Iron Maiden scored a cop show. Which... now that I think about it, could work.
  • When the Hitchhiker climbs on to the hood of Annie's car, Brandon takes note of it.
    Brandon!Hitchhiker: I ain't dead yet! I saw Cape Fear, bitch!
  • Upon observing the mangled condition of the Hitchhiker's face near the end of the story, Brandon doubts that he'd actually be able to talk coherently. He edits the scene so that the dialogue is replaced with gurgling sounds.
  • As the story ends, the Creep warns the viewers not to pick up hitchhikers.
    Brandon: Good advice, Creep! I also make sure to never give to charity, either.
  • The film's epilogue features a group of Giant Venus Flytraps devouring the bullies who had been pursuing Billy. Brandon decides that the only thing to now is to play a certain song... from Phantom of the Paradise.
    • Brandon also makes a Call-Back to his "mail-order monkey" joke in his review of the first Creepshow, mentioning that Billy should've bought a bunch of them and trained them to go for the face instead.

    Creepshow 3 
  • "Creepshow 3 was also made on Taurus Entertainment's 20th anniversary, but instead of giving you an anniversary present, it says it's been cheating on you with your bestfriend and then takes half your shit in the divorce!"
  • When the movies opens on modern comic book art, Brandon feels that maybe the movie won't be so bad. Cue the infamous terrible CGI intro of the movie as he watches in utter horror and confusion.
  • Alice comments that she "really hates this neightborhood":
    Brandon: Yeah, well, don't worry, by the end of this movie, so will everyone else!
  • When the first story turns out to be about a remote control that grants Reality Warping:
    Brandon: Because they weren't using Stephen King stories this time around, they decided to adapt the classic horror story Click with Adam Sandler! Here's to hoping they don't also decide to adapt Jack and Jill for this movie!
  • When Alice takes a ball in the head, Brandon finds it Actually Pretty Funny.
  • At one point, Brandon edits the movie to makes it looks like the remote switches us to the first Creepshow movie.
  • Brandon pointing out how the topics of the stories do not exactly scream "scary":
    While the first segment was about a remote, this one is about a radio! Ooooh, Spooky! I sure hope the next story isn't about a haunted pager!
    Okay, so just to recap: the first Creepshow had Fluffy, the second one had the Oil Monster, this one has a radio possessed by the ghost of a financial planner!
  • The Radio tries to convince the protagonist his hooker girlfriend will betray him:
    Radio: She's a whore!
    Brandon (shocked): HEY! (Beat) I mean... technically, yeah, that is accurate, but there's no need to be rude!
  • When it's revealed the radio double-crossed both the protagonist and his girlfriend by siding with a third man:
    Brandon: Oh, you cheating bitch! Eh, guess it doesn't matter; he's just gonna dump her for an ipod in a couple of years anyway!
  • Brandon reveals Rachel's Dark Secret as she stabs a witness of Jehovah to death: she really hates pushy religious people.
  • Upon hearing Rachel is nicknamed "the Callgirl Killer" by the authorities, Brandon comments this sounds like the name of an Exploitative movie he should be reviewing instead of this one.
  • When Victor is introduced, Brandon notices he looks disturbingly like him:
    Brandon: That's weird. I don't remember being in this movie, but... apparently I was wrong! I must have blocked it out!
  • Rachel asks Victor where his parents are:
    Brandon (confused): He's thirty!

    Tales From The Dark Side 
  • When recapping the Sequelitis in the various Creepshow movies, Brandon respectively describes them as "Good" (Creepshow 1), "okay" (Creepshow 2), and "What the hell is this shit and why is it called Creepshow?!" (Creepshow 3)
  • The framing device story has the Witch find a "Tales from the Dark Side" book in the kid's cage:
    Brandon: Oh, damn it, who let a copy of the script in there?
  • When the first story turns out to include Christian Slater as one of the main characters:
  • The Alternative Character Interpretation that Steve Buschemi's nerd character brought an old egyptian mummy in his room because he didn't want to be the creepiest thing in that segment.
  • When the characters find an ancient egyptian scroll in the mummy:
    Steve Buschemi: You know how to read ancient hieroglyphics?
    Brandon: Look, just put it on Google Translate, I am sure it'll be fine!
  • "Oh shit, the Heavy Metal lyrics on that scroll woke up this mummy!"
  • A female character tries defending herself against the mummy by throwing a vase of flowers at it:
    Brandon: Listen Suzy, even though Garlic works on vampires, I am pretty sure flowers don't do shit to mummies!
  • "A turkey carver. The mummy's one ... weakness? Man, too bad the mummy didn't start his killing spree on Thanksgiving! They could have taken him out a lot earlier!
  • When mentionning the segment "Cat From Hell" was written by Stephen King, Brandon is rather happy, for, judging by Sleep Walkers, even if this segment turns out to be bad, it'll at least be hilariously bad.
  • When the premise is revealed to be about a rich man hiring a man to kill a cat who killed three people in his household, Brandon jokes the cat just got under their feet when they went down the stairs. Later, when the death are shown in a flashback, it turns out the cat really did kill one of them that way.
    Brandon: I don't think the cat's evil, these people are just clumsy!
  • The infamous scene of the cat killing the hit man through forcing himself through his mouth- or, as Brandon puts it, by forcing him to eat pussy.
  • "This is for Fluffy and Mittens, Motherfucker!"
  • When the protagonist of the third segment takes inspiration from the Gargoyle he met for his art, Brandon jokes he pitched an animated series for Disney.

    The Lost Empire 
  • When presenting the movie, Brandon warns us that while the poster might look like some kind of Indiana Jones knock-off, the actual movie is closer to Enter the Dragon meets Faster, Pussy Cat! Kill! Kill!
    Brandon: Oh, well, this will still probably be more realistic than Crystal Skull!
  • "So anyway the opening text scroll tells us that a long time ago, they re-used the Sword graphic from Deathstalker in order to save money."
  • After trying to summarize the complicated lore and plot described by the scroll, Brandon tells they should have just said "Don't worry, we promise there will be tits in this movie." Which he then uses to summarize every single Exposition Dump through the movie.
  • "Holy shit, not only is Wolf a woman, but she also has her clothes on in a Jim Wynorski movie! Don't worry, though, Wynorski doesn't let that last long."
  • "We also find out that Angel's brother has died. Damn, and he was just two days from being cast in the first Police Academy movie!"
  • "Aw, man! My insurance doesn't cover throwing stars!"
  • "Damn, this thing is like the Eye of Sauron if it only saw Titties!"

    The Black Scorpion 
  • At one point, the characters descend into a giant underground cavern filled with giant prehistoric invertebrates that were reportedly originally models from the original King Kong. When the film's resident Kenny gets attacked by one, Brandon's response is gold.
    • "Surprise, motherfucker! There's still more King Kong leftovers down here!"

    The Dorm that Dripped Blood 

  • The title card shows Brandon facing Big Ben and the Sandy Witch while moving cardboard boxes apparently containing his other movies to review. Said boxes are helpfully titled with cathegories such as "Turkish Nonsense" and "Hentai Films".
  • After Brandon explains that this is the American movie and not the Japanese film of the same name, he shows a clip of this latter film in which a zombie head is biting a girl's butt and then asks why the hell isn't he reviewing that movie before saying that he probably should do that in a latter video.
    • He then admits that this movie doesn't have any ass-eating ghost, "which depending on your preference is a good or bad thing."
  • Brandon comments that while this movie was made by the same guys who did the first Friday the 13th (1980), this movie doesn't have nubile teenagers getting killed, and makes up for this lack in ghost puppets:
    Brandon: Oh, well, the movie is still rated R, so maybe we'll get to see some of these things naked!
  • "Sean S. Cunningham and Steve Miner present... a movie that won't be as popular as Friday the 13th, but will still be a franchise, damn it!"
  • (regarding the disturbing imagery on the paintings) "Well, one thing for sure, this house has an impressive collection of fanarts in it!"
  • When the movie opens on a boy bringing groceries to a woman, Brandon suspects this might actually be the beginning to a porn. Then when the boy finds the old woman dead, Brandon comments this can still turn into a porn- it will just have to be on the Dark Web, now.
  • "Wait a minute- you mean Roger spends his days writing about horror shit and taking dinners alone?! Who the hell does he think he is? Me? Oh well, at least my computer is better than his."
  • Whenever the Vietnam flashbacks play out, Brandon suspects the characters only think they are Vietnam and actually are in their mother's backyard due to the poorly-designed set.
  • The Running Gag of Brandon comparing the movie to Evil Dead:
    • When Roger reacts to a fish coming to life on his wall by grabbing a shotgun:
    • Later, when Roger enters the ghost dimension and gets attacked by a strangely Deadite-esque monster:
    Monster: I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! I'LL SWALLOW YOU SOUL! (snicker) Just messing with yah, man!
    • "Fun fact: not only do these thing look like something from Evil Dead, they will also go Ash Williams on your ass!"
  • After the protagonist almost got killed twice while staying in the titular house to write his Vietnam book, Brandon suggests he should just leave this clearly dangerous house and do what all writers do- finishing his book while taking drugs in an hotel room.
    • Brandon's Running Gag of telling Roger that he should just leave escalates to the climax when Roger has saved his son and seemingly killed Big Ben's ghost (who then makes an appearance one last time and then gets Killed Off for Real) by pointing out that he now has no reason to stay.
  • When Roger tries to save his neighboor's son from the monsters, Brandon calls him out for not letting them get rid of the annoying kid for him.
  • Brandon's irritation about Big Ben somehow surviving for way too long after being shot multiple times in the flashbacks, culminating in The Reveal by his present ghost self that even after that, the viet were able to torture him for weeks before he did die.
    Brandon!Big Ben: They did unspeakable things, but it still took forever to kill me! You think I'm like this because of decomposition? THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE LITERALLY A SECOND BEFORE I DIED!
  • Since Big Ben was kidnapped and tortured in Vietnam, Brandon suggests that instead of coming back as a ghost, he should have just done what John McCain did and run for president.

    The Fighting Fists of Shangai Joe 
  • "So, we are introduced to our main character Shangai Joe, which I assume is a name he got because he comes from Detroit."
  • "What am I saying, this is the Old West! You don't need a job! You can just make money by robbing banks!"
  • Shangai Joe answers to a Texan insulting him by calling his sister a slut:
    Brandon!Texan: WHAT?! Nobody talks about the mother of my children that way!
  • When telling people owning a ranch he is looking for a job as a cowboy, Shangai Joe finds them laughing in his face:
    Brandon!Ranch Owners: Eheheheheh... Alright, if you're up for it, you can start tomorrow!
  • The main character Shangai Joe keeps praising America as a great country and saying he likes being there... which leaves Brandon baffled, seeing how almost every single person he met in America either was incredibly racist to him, tried to kill him with little provocation, or both.
    • Then after the above happened twice, Brandon suggests he should just anbandon looking for a job and make a living by taking stuff from all the people who mess with him.
  • The Running Gag of Bandon being convinced asian people in this setting have magic powers, given all the completely over-the-top things Shangai Joe is capable of doing with his martial arts.
  • Connected to the two above, Brandon pointing out how stupid people are to constantly reject and insult Shangai Joe whenever he comes looking for a job, given how a guy with magic kung fu skills would actually be incredibly useful.
  • Brandon's irritation over the fact Shangai Joe can't seem to realize his Love Interest clearly is into him:
    Brandon: This guy should have been called Oblivious Joe!
  • At the end of the movie, when Shangai Joe ends up fighting a martial artist from the same school than his sent by the bad guys, Brandon comments he'd like it if Joe did like Indiana Jones and just pulled out a gun to shoot his opponent. This is exactly what ends up happening... except the bad guy ends up doing this, much to the annoyance of Brandon, who complains the hero is supposed to do it.

    Frankenstein Conquers the World 
  • Brandon's summary of the "classic" story of Frankenstein.
    Brandon You know, the classic story of a radioactive caveboy experimented on by Nazis, who grows giant-size and goes on to fight a fire-breathing puppy-dog-dinosaur?... Y'know, Frankenstein! All right, so maybe that's not the classic story of Frankenstein... it shoulda been, though!
  • One gets the impression that Brandon's a little tired of certain internet posts...
    Brandon, in a whiny, nasally voice: Um, excuse me, I think you mean "Frankenstein's monster"? Frankenstein was the doctor who created it. I need to be pedantic and point that out so people know how smart I am, mnyeeeeeh!
  • Brandon is not impressed by a Japanese Naval officer who mentions he nearly forgot about his encounter with Frankenstein's still-beating heart at the end of WWII.
    Brandon Ahhh, you know how it is, you see something that defies all known science and completely transcends death, and it tends to slip your mind.
  • At one point, some scientists suggest Frankenstein is looking for a cooler place, since he originally came from the relatively-cool Frankfurt. Brandon is not impressed.
    Brandon Oh, please, I live in Saskatchewan. You know what minus thirty degrees feels like? 'Cause I do!

    The Monster that Challenged the World 
  • Just Brandon mentioning that the movie is about a horde of killer snails.
  • Early on, there's a scene where a soldier is attacked by one of the monsters, and we get a close-up of his face. His expression of horror is actually pretty convincing, but his screams are... not.
    Brandon Aaaaand that was the take they decided to use for that scream!
  • While investigating a monster-snail attack, Lt. Commander Twillinger accidentally puts his hand in a huge, white glob of slime on the boat gunwale...
    Brandon EeeeEEEEwww, what the hell did the monster do to these guys?... and why are you touching it?!
  • After one character strips into an Old-Timey Bathing Suit to go swimming...
    Brandon Hoo-hoo, looks like she's wearing a 1950s thong!
    • This same woman soon becomes snail-monster food, and lets out some loud, frightened screams. Brandon edits in the soldier's unconvincing scream from earlier.
  • During a date with Twillinger, Gail tosses a penny into a wishing well.
    Twillinger You make a wish?
    Brandon She wished she was on a date with Rock Hudson... boy, is she in for a disappointment if that actually happened!

    Night of the Demons 

     Doctor Mordrid 
  • One of the characters asks for cigares:
    Brandon: Cigaros? Hey, careful, man, those things will kill you! (guy get shot in the back) ... Buuut not as fast as bullets will, I guess.
  • When introducing the villain Cabal, Brandon declares he has the power of all the 80s-90s singers rolled into one, along with the power to make money disappear (much like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) and to make sure the movie isn't rated R (even though it is).

     Godzilla vs King Ghidorah 
  • The video opens with Brandon looking through his comments; most of them are "when are you gonna do another Godzilla video?", plus one telling him he looks like Canadian Dexter.
    • Why is this episode having him do another Godzilla video? Because one of the comments is from a particularly insane fan who threatens to break into his house, cut his balls off with a rusty pair of sheers and feed them to his cat right in front of him. Completed with the guy actually waiting by his windows with said sheers to show he isn't kidding.
      Brandon (with an utterly terrified expression): Okaaaay, I think I can take a hint!
    • Barely seconds after he confirmed the video is gonna be about a Godzilla movie, his footage gets flagged by Toho.
      Brandon: Oh, for fuck's sake— Alright, you know what? I want to keep my balls, so we're just gonna have to fight through these, okay?
  • The Running Gag of King Ghidorah's name changing pronounciation between movies.
  • Since the previous Godzilla movie was overshadowed by Back to the Future, this one had Time Travel included, the producers assuming it'd guarantee success. Brandon states he would comment about how this logic is absurd, but given the success of Avengers: Endgame, what does he know?
  • Brandon's being shocked that the movie actually is far in the future this time (2204) rather than at a time that was seen as the future back when the movie was done but has become the present now.
  • One of the characters express shock learning King Ghidorah (Godzilla's most famous Arch-Enemy) fought Godzilla:
    Brandon: Yeah! And in other news, the sky is blue!
  • As the android M-11 gets into a fiery car crash, Brandon mentions that the movie came out the same year as Terminator 2: Judgment Day. With his robotic parts exposed, M-11 gets out of the car and tears some of his burning clothes away as that movie's dramatic, pounding theme music plays... then sprints after the retreating heroes' car as the music abruptly warps to Yakety Sax.

    The Galaxy Invader 
  • "This better be important, kid, I'm entering a Sonny Bono lookalike contest tomorrow!"
  • "SIX HOURS?! Aw, come on, Doc, that's like two Avengers: Endgame!"
  • When seeing the monster, Brandon can't decide if it looks like a really good Doctor Who monster or a mediocre cantina one.
  • Brandon tries to crack his usual joke about the movie's Dawson Casting... only to then immediately learn the girl actually is supposed to be the age her actress is this time.
  • "Alright, look alive, fellas! Michael Myers ain't gonna hunt himself! Uh... wait... what movie are we in, again?"
  • When the alien starts defending himself with his advanced guns:
    Brandon!Alien: Yeah, that's right, Earth isn't the only planet with a second amendment, fuckers!

  • Brandon is seriously disturbed by how eager the Jake's friend is about the gun:
    Partner: I checked it out... and it's a honey tiger!
  • Brandon makes a Running Gag out of pointing out that Jake's super-gun doesn't gets used until the final act when he goes One-Man Army on the rednecks. After seeing the massacre Jake unleashes with the gun's explosive rounds, Brandon says that maybe he didn't used it earlier because the sequence uses all of the film's pyrotechnics budget.
  • Brandon's constant jokes at the expense of the villains, who he refers to as "Hillbilly hipsters":
    Brandon!Skeeter: Hey, Cletus, you mind if I take your sister out, tonight?
    Brandon!Cletus: Dang it, Skeeter, I already told you I'm dating her!
  • "Well, that's it, killing people is one thing, but nobody kills an animal you can legally hunt when Jake's around!
  • When Jake declares anyone who kills animals like that doesn't have long before they kill a man, Brandon wonders if that means any Italian Exploitation movie director is also a murderer.
  • "Also, someone apparently forgot to tell this girl that entering a creepy cabin in an Italian movie is usually a bad idea..."
  • When Jake inexplicably jumps out of his car and let it explode:
    Brandon (confused): Okaaay... maybe he destroyed his car to get money from the insurance?
    • Then it turns out he did this to attract the attention of the Rednecks so he could destroy their truck:
    Brandon: ... You know, considering you also had to wreck your own car to do that, I think you're just kinda even, at this point!
    • Then when the hillbillies attack him as payback, Brandon comments Jake's now gonna have to buy another car to wreck so he can get back at them.
  • When Connie almost gets raped:
    Brandon: Damn it, Jake, the only thing less safe than animals in Italian Exploitation Movies are underaged girls! You should have known that!
  • When the entire reason the Hillbillies go to hunt the main characters is so they can remove witness from their murder of a cop, Brandon just doesn't get why they are worrying so much about it, given the entire town appears to be fine with going on a man hunt.
  • Brandon notices that, in contrast to his other movies where he gets beaten up a lot, Michael Sopkiw's character actually kicks a lot of ass in this movie, putting up a good fight and eventually defeating most of the hillbillies of his own during his Roaring Rampage of Revenge, prompting him to wonder if he was keeping all his awesomeness in his mustache.
    Brandon: Damn, Jake! If you had been like this from the beginning, Connie would still be alive!
  • Brandon's growing frustration over the movie hyping up an amazing, advanced super-gun at the beginning of the movie, yet having Jake never use it for most of the movie no matter how bad the situation get... until he finally starts using it in the final minutes of the movie, where it easily makes all the hillbillies' cars explode and allows Jake to inflict them a Curb-Stomp Battle.
    Brandon (in awe): HOLY SHIT! That guy from the beginning wasn't kidding! This gun is AWESOME! This is making me a little mad Jake didn't use this thing sooner! You know what? This makes up for Michael Sopkiw losing so many fights in previous movies I covered. Because he's a killing machine in this movie!
  • Brandon points out at one point that Sopkiw's character was named "Tiger" Sharp because it sounds like "tiger shark", and then questions that with that last name, wouldn't it have been better to nickname him "Razor"?

  • When announcing today's movie is going to be Phantasm as a special request from his Patreon, Brandon rejoices that someone finally asked him to do a genuine Cult Classic, and declares it will be nice to review something actually good for a change after having to talk about thing like Rat-Phink A Boo-Boo or The Galaxy Invader.
  • When the movie opens with a man having sex with a beautiful blonde woman who then immediately stabs him to death, Brandon assumes she killed him because he finished before she did and calls her out for overreacting.
  • Despite the Tall Man being introduced through a Jump Scare, Brandon refuses to call it a fake scare as usual. Why? Because he genuinely find the Tall Man creepy enough that he thinks he'd actually be scared if it happened to him.
  • "I am starting to suspect something strange is going on in this place..." (shot of the Tall Man single-handedly lifting a heavy coffin with his bare hands) "See? The Tall Man is clearly on roids!"
  • When Mike enters the house of a psychic woman with a hand symbol at the entrance:
    Brandon: No, Mike, don't go in there! That's the house from Manos: The Hands of Fate! Any answer you'll get will probably be very repetitive and boring!
  • Brandon also makes note that the scene in which Mike has to put his hand inside of a box is similar to a scene in Dune, which makes him wonder if Coscarelli is a fan of the novel.
    Psychic woman's assistant, to Mike: Fear is the killer.
    Brandon: It's "fear is the mind killer", lady!
  • "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is this?! Actual drama and Character Development?! Everyone knows horrors movies are just supposed to be about horny teens getting sliced up by a random killer and nothing else! Quit trying to make me care about these characters, Coscarelli!"
  • Brandon is somewhat confused over the fact Mike finds the Tall Man unusual, when apparently everyone in this town is creepy with magic powers.
  • When Mike's brother Jody decides to take a woman he flirted with to have sex in the graveyard, Brandon expresses confusion over the fact he and his relative dead at the beginning apparently enjoy "banging in graveyards".
    • "Okay, Mike, I get where you could get this idea, but going to the graveyard at night won't help to get you laid!"
  • The Running Gag of comparing the Tall Man's mutant hooded Lurkers to Jawas, complete with splicing in Jawa vocals whenever they are on-screen (recognizable because of one of them saying "Utinni!").
    Brandon!Jody (while struggling with a Lurker): GODDAMNIT, I SAID I DON'T WANT TO BUY ANY DROIDS! NOW GET OFF ME, WILL YAH?!
  • When the Sentinel Sphere is introduced, Brandon declares that we should all beware the Tall Man's balls.
  • "Oh no, Reggie, you can't die! Seriously, he's in all the sequels, he literally cannot die here!"
  • When Mike is walking through the house:
    Brandon!Mike: Let's see... someone getting blown by a guy in a bear costume... mhmm... okay, nothing weird there... but where the hell is that tall bastard?
  • "Falling to his death! The Tall Man's one weakness!"
  • When the movie ends on the twist that Mike was having a nightmare and Jody was Dead All Along in a car accident along with their parents, Brandon praises this ending for being daring for a horror movie and actually very meaningful... before admitting he is kidding and the movie actually follows this with a traditional Cruel Twist Ending.


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