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- Every time he brings up a Felony Misdemeanor the bad guys are doing, and then shouts "The fiends!".
- Ever since the Gamera-athon, his habit of referring to the obnoxious child characters as "Kennies" and being annoyed by them.
- "No one will be thrilled during the dreadful [insert completely mundane and boring action] scene!" whenever a scene in a horror movie involving nothing important goes for way too long for the sake of Padding.
- Whenever reviewing a foreign movie (often Turkish ones) with no subtitles, he will usually make up his own ridiculous ones.
- When discussing the movie's famous zero gravity striptease opening, Brandon laments that it ends up as little more than a tease, since the credits are used as censor bars.Brandon: DAMN YOU, DAVID HEMMINGS!
- Brandon did not add the boner-like side effect when Barbarella gets her phallic-looking weapon. He did, however, add the "bong" sound when she gets knocked out by a snow ball.
- When Barbarella gets assaulted by creepy killer dolls:Brandon: Run, run, Barbarella, they are very slowly and awkwardly coming to get you!
- When Barbarella explains the act of sex on Earth now merely consists in just taking a pill, Brandon mocks it and says that would never actually happen. While showing various marks of contraceptive pills onscreen.
- Barbarella gets told she has entered the labyrinth. Cue a clip of the "Dance Magic Dance" David Bowie scene from the movie of the same name.
- While trying to defend the movie's Special Effect Failure, Brandon argues it was made in 1967, and dares the viewers to name a single movie in that time who had great effects. Cue clips from 2001: A Space Odyssey.Brandon: ... Okay, point taken.
- His constant lampshade of how much of a Faux Action Girl Barbarella is, constantly fiding her in distress only to get saved by someone else and coming up with really stupid plans like trying to go through the ground with her ship:Brandon: The Savior of the universe, ladies and gentlemen!
- When the great Tyrant attempts to execute Barbarella by throwing her to killer parrots (something that in itself shocks Brandon for somehow being even lamer than the dolls), he laments that she would probably be safe if she had a coat hanger.
The Giant Claw
- "Nice of them to show us who did the effect in the credit. That way, the audience knows who to blame once we actually see this thing."
- Brandon comments it's common for monster movies to hide the monster at the beginning to create suspens, but he gets the feeling they were doing it here for a different reason.Brandon: You'll see what I mean in a bit.
- Then when the monster does show up, he takes great pleasure in mocking the atrociously bad effect and ridiculous monster design, describing the thing as what would happen if the coco-pops bird fucked a Deadite.Officer: Believe me, Mr McAffee, this is no joke!Brandon: Oh, really? Did you see the monster? Even the pterodactyle from Legend of Dinosaurs would laugh at this thing!Narrator: Even then, the bird revealed itself to the world at large, and complacency quickly turned to panic.Brandon: You're sure it wasn't laughter?
- Then when the monster does show up, he takes great pleasure in mocking the atrociously bad effect and ridiculous monster design, describing the thing as what would happen if the coco-pops bird fucked a Deadite.
- Brandon grows irritated by the narrator talking for way too long past the introduction, and begins imitating that style:Brandon!Narrator: Brandon continued to make snide comments regarding the movie's quality while talking to the camera, punctuating his remarks with maybe a Doctor Who reference or something. His fans then asked him when he was going to do another Godzilla movie in the comments.
- It becomes a Brick Joke when Mitchell MacAffee (The Hero) fixes the machine meant to kill the giant buzzard by applying Reverse Polarity and Brandon plays a montage of various times the Doctor has applied it in his show, and the narrator says "I told you that he would make a Doctor Who reference eventually". Brandon tells him to shut up.
- Brandon's confusion over why the characters persist to refer to the titular monster as looking like a battleship, even though the creature looks nothing like one.
- When the characters see a spiral "pattern" into the various dots on the map, Brandon brings up the Fridge Logic of how they could just as well connect them into a straight line. To demonstrate his point, he connects the dots into a different pattern... one shaped like a penis.
- When the scientists explains there is an antimatter universe, Brandon jokes that here, all atoms are evil and have goattees.
- The protagonists are confronted by the only thing scarier than monsters in the 50s: groudy teenagers.Teenager: Hey, man! Who's afraid of the big bad bird?Brandon: Hey, I know the answer to this one! You, in about two seconds! (cue an attack from the bird)
- Brandon warns the viewers that while not technically a hentai, this movie does include violence, explicit sex scenes and tentacle rapes:Brandon: So if you have small children... make sure they get a good view of the screen, because they're gonna want to watch this.
- Brandon inserts his own dialogues in the movie's Exposition Dump prologue:Brandon: Like a lot of animes, this movie begins with a shot of Tokyo's famous Exposition district!Narrator: We live in an era where our cities are armed with steel and concrete; computer and electronics barricade our minds...Brandon: ... Filling our brains with Angry Birds and Candy Crush sagas...Narrator: It doesn't change the fact that there exist a lot of strange phenomenon. Bizarre, with no reason or logic.Brandon: Oh, I know! Some people make cartoon demon porn!Narrator: Most folks just don't see them...Brandon: Well, most folks aren't me, so I have to watch weird shit like this!Narrator: There is a world of darkness down there; a world filled with evil...Brandon: The Japanese call it... Puroland!
- Brandon comments that the protagonist's Establishing Character Moment doesn't do that well of a job to establish him as The Casanova, given the woman he manages to pick was the only other person in the bar.
- After the movie's first sex scene, Brandon snarkily comments that, according to this movie's running time, the protagonist lasted thrity seconds.
- As the woman's hands start turning into spider legs around the protagonist:Brandon: Yeah, that's a bit creepy, but so far I don't see why people say this movie is so fucked up... (cue Vagina Dentata) OH SWEET GOD!
- On a note, he actually approves of the above thing. Why? Because thanks to it, he doesn't have to black box her genitals.
- After watching the opening scene involving the protagonist barely surviving a Death by Sex situation from a monster woman he was sleeping with, Brandon notices that woman followed him at the bar, fucked the shit out of him, and left without asking for anything. Which he considers makes it the perfect date.
Once Upon a Girl
- Brandon is initially very impressed by the quality of the animation... until he realizes he is watching the live action segment of the movie.
- "If murdering children stories is a crime, then shouldn't all the producers of this movie be on trial?"
- When Mother Goose explains the versions of the Fairy Tales everyone knew were actually altered versions from the man's point of view to fit the chauvinistic morals of the time, Brandon burst in laugh at the idea these porn versions of the tales are stated to be feminist.Brandon (as the movie is showing a woman masturbating near the water): Mhm, yeah, that's some good feminist storytelling... Oh, yeah, who's a strong indépendant woman? You are, yeah!
- "Hey, Jack! Is that a banana in your pocket, or is this movie just really fucked up?!"
- After the scene of the frog getting some with a girl, Brandon asks if that means they got bestiality out of the way now. Cue a scene of Jack sucking a cow's udders.Brandon: You know, I am starting to realize I owe the Japanese a huge, huge apology right now...
- After the two disturbing bestiality scenes described above, Brandon asks if the movie could cut to something sexier. The movie answers by cutting to a Gonk dwarf flashing Jack, with a full view of his genitals.Brandon (sigh): Jesus, sorry I asked...
- When Jack refuses to trade his cow for dirty pictures of Snow-White:Brandon: Yeah, just wait a few decades for the Internet to come out, and then you can look up pictures of whatever cartoon character fucking you want!
- "AW COME ON, you mean this movie is even trying to make the singing harp character sexy?! That's just wrong! Besides, we all know the Disney version is way hotter!"
- As he just finished his review, Brandon gets bothered by the dirty dwarf from the movie, who tries to sell him dirty pictures of Sailor Moon:Brandon: Isn't Sailor Moon underaged?Dwarf (panicking): Bitch told me she was 18!
- "Ah, High School... the jokes, the pranks, the sexual assault..."
- His various jokes about the movie's obvious Dawson Casting, in particular Caroline Monroe playing a highschooler.Brandon: By the way, have I mentioned these actors are too old for these roles yet?
- After the bullies inflicted a humilating prank to Mary, Brandon has the coach declare them they will all get suspended and sent to juvenile prison... before admitting he is joking and they will just get detention.Brandon: This movie was made in the 80s! Back then, I think that kind of thing was just part of the student group of orientation.
- When Marty gets disfigured by acid, Brandon jokes that on the bright side, this might end up turning him into Dark Man. Cue the end of the movie, where Marty awakes at the hospital with bandages making him actually look like Dark Man, causing Brandon to think his theory turned out true.
- "It's not like I am gonna get killed anything! By the way, I am not a virgin, I got two days until retirement, and here's a picture of my kids! Oh, and I am also really a black guy! Anyway, be right back!"
- "Holy shit, I think Marty might be the killer!"
- "Okay, I guess Marty's best subject must have been physics, since he apparently knows how to break all their laws!"
- Brandon getting progressively baffled by the stupidity of the protagonists:
- "And by the way, Frank, since when did you become Marty and... oh, shit".
- When the characters suddenly state that Marty will stop killing them once April's Fool is over, Brandon points out they probably shouldn't trust the guy who already killed six people at this point to follow rules:Brandon: Hell I never follow that rule, and I have only killed two people!
- When realizing all the movie's similarities with Friday the 13th, Brandon wonders if he might have been wrong and if the killer might be Marty's mom after all.
- His consternation after finding out the movie came out in January rather than Halloween:
- Brandon: Right, because nothing says scary like the month between Chrismas and Valentine's Day!
- Him stating the opening gives everything to expect from Tales from the Crypt: gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, and gratuitous guest-stars.
- Upon finding out the movie stars Billy Zane and William Sadler:
- Brandon: I gotta question putting these two in the same movie; I mean, how am I supposed to tell who's playing the creepy bad guy and who's playing the really creepy bad guy?
- Upon noticing how many characters are played by famous actors, Brandon jokes that it wouldn't surprise him if Roger Rabbit shew up. Cue Roger Rabbit's voice actor showing up.
- His explanation why he likes Billy Zane so much in this movie:Brandon: I mean, come on, that guy was born to play charming yet creepy bad guys! Here's a smile that says: "Nice to meet you; now you need to fucking die!"
- When the Collector summons his demons and they get out of sight, one of the characters asks where they go:Brandon: Aw, don't worry, they are just hiding behind that Jump Scare! (one of the demons does one) See?
- When Breaker explains the best way to kill demons is to shoot them in the eyes, Brandon points out that's not a very good strategy, since it apparently allows them to shoot you back with Eye Beams.
- Then Breaker reveals that the magic he used to protect them from demons stop working if they kill a demon, much to Brandon's confusion:Breaker: Damn it, I am not making up those rules!Brandon: Really? Because it sounds like you are!
- His frustration over the fact the movie turns out to be actually pretty good, with an interesting story, good actors, characters he cares about and even a child character who isn't annoying and gets killed off, making it really hard for him to find things to criticize.
- The Collector's secret weapon to convince Uncle Willie: an R-Rating.
- "Aw, poor Roach. He didn't deserve to die... oh wait, yes he did."
- Billy Zane's character informs the female protagonist he "will tell her something he never said to anyone before":Brandon: "I don't regret making Scorpion King 3?"
Bordello of Blood
- "No wonder you don't know where you're going, you are looking at a map of Middle Earth, you idiots!"
- When the explorers find Lilith's body:Explorer: What da... fuck?!Brandon: (chuckle) I think that's the same reaction the audience had on this movie's opening weekend!Head Explorer: This here is the most horrible woman the World has ever known!Brandon: Leona Helmsley?
- When Lilith, upon revival, kills one of the explorers by inflicting him a Groin Attack with her Overly Long Tongue:Brandon!Explorer: Aaaaaah! Best death ever!
- This exchange:Mummy: And I don't need to tell you what a piece of shit that was!Cryptkeeper (thinking): No, you don't... I know what a piece of shit it was!
- When the characters at the beginning of the movie get to the titular Bordello, which turns out to be disguised as a funeral parlour, Brandon points out they are pretty stupid to be surprised the place looks like "a Necrophiliac's wet dream" when the guy who directed them here told them it was a funeral house.Brandon: If that guy had come to you and said "I know a pet shop where you can get all the pussy you want", would you be surprised if he meant Bestiality?!
- Brandon's way to explain how Dennis Miller was an asshole on set:"Dennis plays a private dick, which is out of character for him, since usually he is a dick in public!"
- He then goes on to explain that even if he was an asshole on set, his Deadpan Snarker attitude ends up being the most entertaining thing about this movie.
- "Luckily, Dennis is a master of martial arts... movie puns!"
- Brandon's growing irritation with the movie's juvenile humor:(As the mortician is playing with a corpse's breast) Ah ah, it's funny because boobies!(As a fart noise is heard) Ah ah, it's funny because fart!(As the mortician goes to answer the door to Dennis Miller and asks who it is) It's the only actor with some decent jokes in this movie! Let him in! Please!
- When Lilith reveals Dennis Miller's character has an unique type of blood:Brandon: Oh yeah, and what type is that, "B Sarcastic"?Lilith: Oh, we gotta keep him alive!Brandon: I know! He is the best character in that movie!
- When commenting about how the Cryptkeeper puppet is significantly less good in this movie:Brandon: Oh, and if you thought the puns were bad before... (cue the Cryptkeeper making horrible puns about "deadlocks" and "a little head") ... theeeeey're.... uh.... about the same, really.
- The Running Gag of him complaining about a scene, but concluding that at least it didn't have a cheap jump scare, only for the scene to immediately be followed by one every single time.
- When it's stated Voodoo is like disco:Brandon: Soooo, it's better when you're on cocain, then?
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
- Brandon opens the movie stating that, according to the fanbase, Halloween III is the worst movie in the franchise because it doesn't have Micheal Myers in it. He then spends the entire review pointing out all the positives in the movie and how it's actually pretty good when taken of its own, only to each time sarcastically say the movie still sucks because of no Micheal Myers.
- "Do Not Adjust Your Set; we will now control everything you see and hear. And this really is a Halloween movie trust us! See? Look, it says so right there!"
- "I think this gaz attendant just realized he is the only black guy in a horror movie".
- Brandon lampshading that, for a character intended to be likable, the main protagonist Dan actually is quite a jerk by today's standard, what with him sexually harassing women and sleeping with Ellie without asking her age until after the deed is done:Brandon: Aaah, back when sexually harassing co-workers actually was an endearing trait! This guy is so lucky Facebook and Twitter didn't existed in 1982!
- When Dan rejects the theory of the murderer at the beginning being on drugs, his argument is that the man was in control and look like a businessman:
- His growing irritation over the movie's Ear Worm Silver Shamrock song.Ellie: I think we should leave!Brandon: Yeah, and do it quickly before we have to hear that damn Silver Shamrock Song again! (the song starts playing) ... Damn it!
- "I am not sure, but I think Santa Mira might actually be "Goblin" spelled backward..."
- "Remember when the idea of being under constant surveillance was considered sinister and creepy? That was nice, wasn't it?"
- "Meanwhile, Dan gets back to work trying to get at the bottom of this mystery. And by mystery, I mean Ellie!"
- "Night of the Living Insurance Salesmen!"
- When it's revealed most of the employees in the factory are robots:Brandon: Soooo, it's like a real modern factory!
- After hearing the villain makes his Motive Rant, Brandon deduces this has to be the coolest villainous speech ever to just boil down to "it's just a prank, bro!".
- At the end of the review, Brandon explains that after the "failure" of Halloween III, the following movies brought back Micheal Myers as fans wanted, and that both fans and critics never had a problem with the Halloween movies ever again. While showing us all the Halloween cases of Sequelitis that followed.
Son of Godzilla
- "Oh, thanks God, Godzilla's here! Maybe the giant radio-active dinosaur will inject some logical sense into this movie!"
- Upon noticing how happy the movie's theme is, Brandon wonders how this music would go with the original movie. Cue a clip of the original movie with this music.
- Him mocking how the main characters apparently consider giant praying mantis perfectly normal, but won't believe there can be a woman on the island.
- Also, his hilarity that the movie decided having praying mantis growing to gigantic size as a result of the radiation would have been hard to swallow, but believed it would be more credible to have the mantis already giant for no reason and then have the radiations make them grow even bigger.
- Godzilla just taught his son how to breath fire:Brandon!Godzilla: Congratulation, son! Now I will teach you how to shave!Brandon!Minilla: But we don't have hair...Brandon!Godzilla: Shut up and go get my razor!
Destroy All Monsters
- When the villain boasts the Earth Monsters cannot win against King Ghidorah:Brandon: Yes, Earth's Monsters can't hope to beat Ghidorah! Last time, it took Godzilla and Rodan combined to defeat him, and now you've only got... (shot of Godzilla with nearly all the other Kaiju in the entire franchise backing him up) Oh, shit. You did not think this plan through.
- His disgust over Minilla, of all people, dealing the final blow to one of King Gidorah's heads.
Giant Monster Gamera
- Proclaiming "Oh, shit!" as he learns the Patreon goal for the Gamera-a-thon has been reached.
- His utter confusion over the fact Gamera already is presented as a Friend to All Children in this movie, even though that one introduced him as a bad guy and is repeatedly seen slaughtering several adults. Cue him portraying Gamera as suffering a huge case of Moral Myopia, regularly slaughtering innocent adults and doing property damage only to stop every now and then to save a random kid.
- When the humans try defeating Gamera by getting him on his back, based on the logic that turtles cannot get back on their legs when put in this situation, Brandon points out it's probably not a good idea to try to reason like with normal turtles when dealing with a giant fire-breathing one.
Gamera vs Barugon
- "Now Barugon shouldn't be confused with Baragon which is a completely different japanese monster. Allow me to illustrate the difference: Barugon is a brown four-legged lizardy thing with a horn on its head, while Baragan is a brown four-legged lizardy thing with a horn on its head. Hopefully I cleared that out for you!"
- "Alright, it's time for the giant flying turtle to face off against the rainbow death lizard to find out once and for all who's more ridiculous!"
Gamera vs Viras
- Him describing the alien spaceship's design as Bees' butts stuck together.
- "Gamera takes control of the situation by... taking a nap. Great, even Gamera realizes these aliens aren't a threat."
- Brandon mentions the main actor took a lot of drugs during the making of the movie. Cue him preparing for the review by following his example.
- His utter confusion over what the rules of the titular Death Sport even are, given the villains do little during it other than randomly charging at the good guys until they somehow kill themselves or get killed by the good guys.Villain (after executing a minion for questioning him]): Any other request?Brandon!Mook: Yeah, some clearly defined rules for Death Sport might be nice!
- The Mooks in this movie show such a degree of incompetence, constantly forgetting to use their guns and randomly throwing themselves off cliffs, that Brandon actually approves of the villain practicing You Have Failed Me; after all, it feels like he is the only one trying to defeat the good guys.
- When the Mooks actually succeed in knocking out the protagonist:Brandon: These guys are surprisingly effective once they remember they have guns!
- Him lampshading how the villains keep boasting about their motorcycles are fearsome weapons, when the things have been constantly shown to be Made of Explodium.(After hearing villains refer to it as "the ultimate weapon"): Yeah, unless a buttefly lands on it, then we're screwed!
- Brandon's mentions the movie was banned in several countries due to excessive violence:Brandon: Right, because God forbid a movie called Death Machine has any violence in it!
- When the CEO suddenly screams "FUCK THE LEAK!", Brandon jokingly asks if that's also his answer when people ask to go to the bathroom.
- This film was banned in some countries due to Brad Dourif playing a character (Jack Dante) that could encourage people to commit evil acts... and Brandon agrees with that reasoning.
- Brandon's reaction upon finding out the police somehow diagnosed someone being killed in a building as a shark attack. This leads him to conclude that, with Police that incompetent, Jack Dante could have left a video of him doing it, and still get away with it.
- "Holy crap, the Death Machine just killed that guy! ... I think. The editing makes it hard to see what's going on."
- Jack Dante saying "there is a psycho death fuck on the lose":
- Brandon: Are you talking about the Death Machine, or you?
Gamera vs Jiger
- Brandon's reaction to the movie's dubious biology about how northerners and southerners grow weak in the opposite environment.Brandon: Yeaaah, I think if you bought an Eskimo a ticket to Cancun, they probably wouldn't drop dead as soon as they got off the plane!
The Green Slime
- "So the movies is set in the far future of : Whenever it takes place! (They don't actually say)".
- Upon listening to the famous Ear Worm Green Slime theme song:Brandon: Yeah, that's right, back then, people were on so much acid they could even make slime sounds groovy!
- Brandon making mention thrice that the movie (which has one of the protagonists casually mention that he considers his former friend's still-smouldering anger about the Noodle Incident that killed their friendship "bitching about it" and several pretty gory deaths) is rated G for "General Audiences" (made in a pre-PG-13 era).Remember kids, this movie has a lower rating than Frozen!
Guyver; Dark Hero
- Commenting on the hero's killing enemy mooks left and right in gruesome ways:
- Man, Affleck's Batman would tell this guy to tone it down! Not Keaton's Batman, though, that guy's a murder machine. A lot of people forget that.
- Since this is his first review of a Stephen King novel adaptation, Brandon takes time to discuss the other adaptation of this type, ranging them from legitimate horror classics (Carrie, The Shining, The Tommyknockers), to overly long horror tv movies (The Stand, The Langoliers) to hilarious pieces of what-the-fuckery (Dreamcatcher, Graveyard Shift).
- The opening credits starts besides a full moon, so obviously this means this movie is about vampires."
- His confusion over the fact the werewolf's first victim (who got decapitated) had his death explained by being a chronic drunk:Brandon: Sooooo... they thought he got so drunk his head blew off?!
- Upon seeing where the movie takes place, Brandon jokes the population will probably be surprised to find out Pennywise isn't behind everything.
- The Establishing Character Moment for Garey Busey's character consists in him drinking a bottle of booze and telling a stupid joke. Which, as far as Brandon is concerned, is perfectly appropriate.
- "I don't know if Garey Busey is the werewolf, but I wouldn't be surprised if he got bitten by a horse in a full moon one time.
- Garey Busey's character tries to argue to protagonist Marty's mother that there is more to him that being crippled:Brandon!Garey Busey: Hey, man, you know I have always said that MARTY stands for Monkey Are Really Terrific Yo! I know I don't make much sense, but hell, all of the things I say don't make much sense!
- When the werewolf kills an alcoholic redneck watching a WWA match on the tv, Brandon jokes the werewolf must be a WWF fan.
- Brandon mocking how the cops don't seem that active in the investigation.Brandon!Sheriff: I'll start investigating these brutal murders when I feel it, mayor, okay? God!
- The reverend makes an ominous speech at the church where he declares "the face of the Beast always makes itself known...":Brandon: ...Okay, so he is the villain!
- When Marty inexplicably deduces right away that the killer is a werewolf, Brandon expresses concern that, after doing a pretty good job at not being annoying, he might turn out to be a Kenny.
- Brandon's utter confusion at the infamous church nightmare scene:Brandon: Oh, wait, the movie is just reminding me that I should be watching An American Werewolf in London!
- Brandon clarifies that despite similarities in the title, this movie isn't a sequel to the Death Machine movie involving the heroin fighting her way through armies of robots before confronting a robot queen. He then immediately asks how it comes such a movie doesn't exist.Brandon: Somebody get Brad Dourif on the phone and make that happen right now!
- And as a Brick Joke to both this and Brandon joking that Jack Dante (Dourif's character in Death Machines) looks like Tommy Wiseau, he ends the review saying that he's gonna pitch the idea to Dourif and see if he can convince Wiseau to play Jack Dante's brother.
- "Sure, this guy as two swords, but this one has a triple-nuntchaku! You need to be twice as high to think those are cool!"
- When one of the Death Machines win his first duel by pulling out a gun and just shooting:Brandon: Dude! Cheating!Villainess: They will do nicely!Brandon!Villaness: Especially the one who knows that guns are better than knives!
- Brandon refers to the titular Death Machines (a group of highly trained dangerous assassins) as "White Death Machine", "Black Death Machine" and "Asian Death Machine", based on their skin color. He then clarifies it's not a joke- the IMDB page for the movie literally refers to them as such.
- The constant lampshade of how all the crime bosses and gangster in this movie look like insurance salesmen or old car owners.
- The Death Machines highly unstealthy approach at killing people, including throwing bombs at them, throwing them from a building or hitting them with vehicles;Brandon: So tell me, what would the Death Machines consider a discreet assassination, luring a guy into a Shark Pool filled with dynamite?
- His confusion over what the heck the villainess wants to do with the Death Machines, since they go randomly from having to kill crime bosses to slaughtering an entire karate school, to kidnapping a banquer's daughter."Meanwhile, Big Hair Lady continue with her plan! Maybe some day I'll understand what it is!"
- The movie ends on a Sequel Hook with the Death Machines escaping on an airport:Brandon: ... And then they became the A-Team.
The Devil's Sword
- As soon as he finds out the main premise behind the movie is that the Crocodile Queen has villagers "sacrifice" her unmarried men on regular basis to become her Sex Slaves, he starts having a good laugh over how this hardly feels like the Fate Worse than Death they portray it as:Brandon: (snickers) Guess that explains why this guy seems so eager to be "sacrificed"!Brandon!Unmarried man: Oh no! Now I'm gonna have to fuck the Crocodile Queen! ... Eh. Not the worse thing ever, I guess.
- Him pointing out that the Crocodile Queen, despite being a Vain Sorceress willing to kill innocents and enslave men, apparently refuses to sleep with married men.
- Brandon's asks how the villain is going to get to the village he was asked to pay a visit too. Cue said villain throwing a giant rock in the air, then jumping on it and using it as a transport.Brandon: ... Sure.
- When the villagers try to stop the villain from kidnapping the fiancé at a wedding, Brandon points out their Skewed Priorities, as they are willing to get several of their own men killed just to save one of them.
- Whenever the Crocodile Men show up, the Special Effect Failure of their costume causes Brandon to mistake them for cosplayers who were too lazy to finish their suit.
- The Running Gag of him overusing the "Decapitation" joke due to the insane number of decapitations happening in this movie.
- Mandelas' status as a Failure Hero:Brandon: You can tell he is the hero because he sits on top of a hill and watches as the villagers get slaughtered for several minutes before he does anything.Brandon: Just to recap, so far our hero has watched a village get slaughtered and let the bad guy get away. Nice job, asshole.
- "Hey, you have a sword and he doesn't! This battle could be over in five seconds!"
Q: The Winged Serpent
- Brandon's reaction to Jimmy's piano playing:Brandon: You know, cocaine scat is probably my least favorite '80s music trend. It is one of my favorite porn genres, though.
- Brandon's long, drawn out groan after the line, "So that's gorilla warfare!"
Transformers the Movie
- Brandon point out how the movie as a ridiculous level of Mood Whiplash, constantly switching from characters getting brutally murdered to silly scenes.
- The Sharkticons being referred to as the "What-the-Fuck-ticons".
- When Wheelie shows up, Brandon is horrified and refers to him as a "Robot Kenny".
- The Running Gag of characters being killed because their toys didn't sell well, which Brandon compares to the executives holding the Transformers at gunpoint and guilt-tripping kids about not having bought enough toys of their favourite characters.
- Brandon points out how ridiculous it is that Optimus Prime was killed by a mere shot in the chest when Ultra Magnus survives being blown to piecesBrandon: I mean, next you'll tell me Starscream [who got blown to pieces by Galvatron] is still alive- (shot of the title for the episode "Starscream's Ghost") OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
The Story of Ricky
Godzilla vs Monster Zero
- Brandon explains this movie actually is the third of a trilogy featuring a common protagonist only known as "the Stranger":Brandon: And if you are confused about why I am starting with the last movie in the series, don't worry: seeing the other ones is not gonna help you tell what the hell is going on in this one!
- When noticing the movie was brought by "Strange Film Incorporated":Brandon: Yeah, there's the understatement of the year! It's like saying Turkish Spider-Man was brought to you by "Definitely Not Marvel Studios"!
- The Stranger goes visit a gypsy medium:Brandon!Medium: In your future, I see a very weird movie!
- Brandon explains this movie (which starts out in The Wild West) is asked to escort a princess to Spain so she can stop a horde of medieval Barbarians invading her land:Brandon: that's not a joke, that's really the plot of this movie! I wasn't kidding when I said "strange film" was an understatement!
- Then said medieval barbarians show up in the bar in full viking gear:Brandon: I am starting to suspect this is not the old west! [...] Man, season 2 of Westworld is really weird!
- When comparing the movie to Indiana Jones, Brandon admits this movie still is so far less silly than Crystal Skull.
- "Man, no one ever told me about the moorish-barbarians wars of 1900s Spain! My History teacher was full of shit!"
- The Stranger complains, after hearing about a secret treasure, that "they got everything in this country":Brandon: They got everything in this movie, that's for sure!
- "I think the barbarians just invented guns since we last saw them..."
- Brandon's really repeated use of Review Ironic Echo in this review:Stranger: Now somebody better tell me what the hell is going on around here!Brandon: There's the tag line for the movie!
- Being more and more confused about the complete Mind Screw that is this movie, Brandon gives us this:
- "Please tell me this starts making sense..." (random explosion)
- The treasure turns out to be some kind of horse statue, which Brandon refers to as a "medieval My Little Poney doll".
- When the Stranger grabs the treasure, a random Screaming Warrior shows up out of nowhere to attack him, only for the Stranger to take him down in one hit before promptly leaving:
- The Stranger finds everyone dead:Stranger: What happened?Brandon: ... Is what everyone in the audience said after this movie ended?
- "Wearing Black Face isn't fatal! It just means you're an idiot!"
- After the Stranger is captured by the barbarians, Brandon asks what they are going to do with him. Cue the Barbarians dressing as the Ku Klux Klan and preparing to eat him:Brandon: And so the KKK barbarians are about to kill our cowboy hero by roasting him alive! ... That's a thing I just said!
- "Don't destroy the scenery! Now what else is this guy supposed to chew?
- When the movie opens with Deathstalker slaughtering monster and killing a man who was about to rape a girl, Brandon asks if this means the girl is safe now. Cue Deathstalker preparing to rape her himself.Brandon: ... It really isn't that girl's day, is it?
- Then as Deathstalker complains after the girl escaped:Brandon!Deathstalker: Aw, many, I was hoping to kill, steal and rape today! That's like the barbarian trifecta!
- The king states they need a hero:
- To show how much the sorcerer's party room look like a Death Metal video, Brandon inserts actual moments from a Death Metal concert in it, showing how hard it is to tell which part wasn't from the scene.
- When Deathstalker takes the princess along with him, Brandon tries cracking a joke about his Designated Hero status again by dubbing him as a dick... only for Deathstalker's actual line to be even worse than his:Brandon: Damn it, Deathstalker, quit being more of an asshole than I am!
- During the infamous scene of Monkar turning his henchman into the princess:Brandon: And on that day, Monkar invented transformation porn! DeviantArt was never the same again!
- "Wait, so Oghrin's reward for winning the fight is being thrown in the dungeon? That seems kind of a shitty price!"
- Brandon points out that the film was originally a regular "scare 'em straight" educational film and the production company made it an exploitation film by adding a few extra scenes, and says:You know you are not doing a good film if all it takes it to make it an exploitation movie is add a few scenes.
- Brandon decides to talk about a horror movie that took inspiration from old horror comic books for Halloween:"I can't possibly see me having any problems with that! (shot of his Bordello of Blood review being blocked). Welll... this movie wasn't put out by Universal, so... I should be okay! ... Hopefully.
- Creepshow being described as "one of the greatest comic book movies that isn't actually based off a comic book."
- "So we got two titans of the horror genre finally working together for the first time! What could go wrong? (Beat) Nothing! Sometimes I do movies I like on this show! What? It happens!"
- When mentioning Dr Fredric Wertham's infamous book "Seduction of the Innocent" which killed off the horror genre in comic books for years, Brandon snarkily comments about how ironic this is, given he feels Wertham look like someone who'd normally be hosting a horror comic book.
- When it's revealed the first segment is called "Father's Day":
- "I am not sure why this family of rich douche bags has gathered together, but I'm assuming it's so this lady can kill some dalmatians for a furcoat!"
- When one of the characters casually reveals a family member killed someone:
- In general, Brandon pointing out the protagonists of these shots are too quick to jump to Murder Is the Best Solution, and suggests alternative ways of dealing with their victims, such as dropping your annoying old father in an old folks home or make the best of your drunk obnoxious wife by turning her into a Reality TV celebrity.
- Brandon mocking the Too Dumb to Live character for stupidly standing below a slowly collapsing tombstone even as a zombie is approaching.
- Brandon!Guy (after being predictably crushed by the falling tombstone): "You know, I had a feeling this is what was gonna happen, but... I wanted to be sure."
- "Oh no, the servant's dead! Now she might have to do something herself other than drink and smoke!
- When the hick played by Stephen King thinks about selling a meteor he found:
- Brandon: Listen, Steven, I know you think this meteor is gonna make you rich and famous, but trust me: just write the novel Carrie, and the rest will fall into place!
- When Stephen King's character starts drinking, Brandon jokes he's preparing himself to write the script for Maximum Overdrive... before telling his audience that, yes, he will think about reviewing that movie too someday.
- "Come on, movie, stop being stop being so colorful! What are you trying to be a comic book... Oh, right. Nevermind.
- "Well, Leslie should have known; this movie was made in the 80s, which means horror movie villains can teleport"
- When the titular Crate in the Crate is found, Brandon jokes it hopefully doesn't contain John Carpender's The Thing (1982). Cue the reveal the crate does have "Carpenter" written on it.
- Since the movie includes stories from Stephen King, it doesn't take long for Brandon to guess it's taking place in Maine."I knew you wouldn't let me down, movie! After all, the first movie had a distinct lack of being set in Maine!"
- Him advising the kid in the opening segment to avoid any vehicle whose license plate says "Creep"."The only way it'd be more obvious would be a van with the word pedo embrazed on the side!"
- His reaction to the introduction of the Creeper, who is introduced in the aforementioned "Creep" truck, looks like a mix between a creepy old man and a goblin, and has a deep scary voice.Brandon: Well, this guy seems trustworthy.
- When comparing this movie to its predecessor, Brandon describes the first Creepshow as being like Tales from the Crypt, while Creepshow 2 is more like Tales From The Cryptkeeper. Before admitting he's actually still okay with that.
- The first story is about a living indian wood statue called "Old Chief Wood'nhead", which Brandon points out sounds and looks like a sport team mascot people would protest against on Twitter. Though he still thinks that's not as bad as that statue in North Dakota doing a nazi salute (which he confirms really exists).
- When the old lady makes a doubtful comment about native americans to her husband, Brandon asks if the story is going to be about two ederly racists. Which he thinks would actually be an interesting twist.
- Brandon hails the Chief as great guy, not only because he trusted the old couple with his tribes' most precious gifts, but also because he isn't offended by their stereotypical indian statue.
- "Aw, shit, Sam just sound-effected her to death! And spreaded blood on her dress between edits!"
- Brandon's utter confusion over Old Chief Wood'nhead owling to the moon:Brandon:... And I guess he's also a werewolf?!
- "George Romero presents: Night of the Living Wood!"
- When getting scalped by the Chief, Sam complains about him giving into a bad stereotype about Native Americans.
- His complain about the Uncanny Valley regarding the adult in the animated segments:"Does every adult in this movie have to look like they want to molest this kid?!"
- "The Raft" opens with a group of teenager smoking joints:Brandon: Hey, look, it's how the script for this movie and the script for this video was written!
- "If there's one important lesson to take from this story, it's the need to develop clean, renewable energy. (Beat) You know, to prevent oil monsters that eat people. I guess."
- Brandon's Alternate Character Interpretation of the undead Hitchhiker as just desperately asking for a ride from the protagonist ather than wanting to kill her because he really doesn't want to make the trip with Stephen King.
- "Creepshow 3 was also made on Taurus Entertainment's 20th anniversary, but instead of giving you an anniversary present, it says it's been cheating on you with your bestfriend and then takes half your shit in the divorce!"
- When the movies opens on modern comic book art, Brandon feels that maybe the movie won't be so bad. Cue the infamous terrible CGI intro of the movie as he watches in utter horror and confusion.
- Alice comments that she "really hates this neightborhood":Brandon: Yeah, well, don't worry, by the end of this movie, so will everyone else!
- When the first story turns out to be about a remote control that grants Reality Warping:
- When Alice takes a ball in the head, Brandon finds it Actually Pretty Funny.
- At one point, Brandon edits the movie to makes it looks like the remote switches us to the first Creepshow movie.
- Brandon pointing out how the topics of the stories do not exactly scream "scary":While the first segment was about a remote, this one is about a radio! Ooooh, Spooky! I sure hope the next story isn't about a haunted pager!Okay, so just to recap: the first Creepshow had Fluffy, the second one had the Oil Monster, this one has a radio possessed by the ghost of a financial planner!
- The Radio tries to convince the protagonist his hooker girlfriend will betray him:Radio: She's a whore!Brandon (shocked): HEY! (Beat) I mean... technically, yeah, that is accurate, but there's no need to be rude!
- When it's revealed the radio double-crossed both the protagonist and his girlfriend by siding with a third man:Brandon: Oh, you cheating bitch! Eh, guess it doesn't matter; he's just gonna dumb her for an ipod in a couple of years anyway!
- Brandon reveals Rachel's Dark Secret as she stabs a witness of Jehovah to death: she really hates pushy religious people.
- Upon hearing Rachel is nicknamed "the Cowgirl Killer" by the authorities, Brandon comments this sounds like the name of an Exploitative movie he should be reviewing instead of this one.
- When Victor is introduced, Brandon notices he looks disturbingly like him:Brandon: That's weird. I don't remember being in this movie, but... apparently I was wrong! I must have blocked it out!
- Rachel asks Victor where his parents are:Brandon (confused): He's thirty!
Tales From The Dark Side
- When recapping the Sequelitis in the various Creepshow movies, Brandon respectively describes them as "Good" (Creepshow 1), "okay" (Creepshow 2), and "What the hell is this shit and why is it called Creepshow?!" (Creepshow 3)
- The framing device story has the Witch find a "Tales from the Dark Side" book in the kid's cage:Brandon: Oh, damn it, who let a copy of the script in there?
- When the first story turns out to include Christian Slater as one of the main characters:Brandon: Okay, good to know JD turned his life around after trying to blow up his highschool!
- The Alternative Character Interpretation that Steve Buschemi's nerd character brought an old egyptian mummy in his room because he didn't want to be the creepiest thing in that segment.
- When the characters find an ancient egyptian scroll in the mummy:Steve Buschemi: You know how to read ancient hieroglyphics?Brandon: Look, just put it on Google Translate, I am sure it'll be fine!
- "Oh shit, the Heavy Metal lyrics on that scroll woke up this mummy!"
- A female character tries defending herself against the mummy by throwing a vase of flowers at it:Brandon: Listen Suzy, even though Garlic works on vampires, I am pretty sure flowers don't do shit to mummies!
- "A turkey carver. The mummy's one ... weakness? Man, too bad the mummy didn't start his killing spree on Thanksgiving! They could have taken him out a lot earlier!
- When mentionning the segment "Cat From Hell" was written by Stephen King, Brandon is rather happy, for, judging by Sleep Walkers, even if this segment turns out to be bad, it'll at least be hilariously bad.
- When the premise is revealed to be about a rich man hiring a man to kill a cat who killed three people in his household, Brandon jokes the cat just got under their feet when they went down the stairs. Later, when the death are shown in a flashback, it turns out the cat really did kill one of them that way.Brandon: I don't think the cat's evil, these people are just clumsy!
- "AAAAAAH! IT'S SO CUTE AND FUZZY! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"
- The infamous scene of the cat killing the hit man through forcing himself through his mouth- or, as Brandon puts it, by forcing him to eat pussy.
- "This is for Fluffy and Mittens, Motherfucker!"
- When the protagonist of the third segment takes inspiration from the Gargoyle he met for his art, Brandon jokes he pitched an animated series for Disney.
The Lost Empire
- When presenting the movie, Brandon warns us that while the poster might look like some kind of Indiana Jones knock-off, the actual movie is closer to Enter the Dragon meets Faster, Pussy Cat! Kill! Kill!Brandon: Oh, well, this will still probably be more realistic than Crystal Skull!
- "So anyway the opening text scroll tells us that a long time ago, they re-used the Sword graphic from Deathstalker in order to save money."
- After trying to summarize the complicated lore and plot described by the scroll, Brandon tells they should have just said "Don't worry, we promise there will be tits in this movie." Which he then uses to summarize every single Exposition Dump through the movie.
- "Holy shit, not only is Wolf a woman, but she also has her clothes on in a Jim Wynorski movie! Don't worry, though, Wynorski doesn't let that last long."
- "We also find out that Angel's brother has died. Damn, and he was just two days from being cast in the first Police Academy movie!"
- "Aw, man! My insurance doesn't cover throwing stars!"
- "Damn, this thing is like the Eye of Sauron if it only saw Titties!"
- The title card shows Brandon facing Big Ben and the Sandy Witch while moving cardboard boxes apparently containing his other movies to review. Said boxes are helpfully titled with cathegories such as "Turkish Nonsense" and "Hentai Films".
- After Brandon explains that this is the American movie and not the Japanese film of the same name, he shows a clip of this latter film in which a zombie head is biting a girl's butt and then asks why the hell isn't he reviewing that movie before saying that he probably should do that in a latter video.
- He then admits that this movie doesn't have any ass-eating ghost, "which depending on your preference is a good or bad thing."
- Brandon comments that while this movie was made by the same guys who did the first Friday the 13th (1980), this movie doesn't have nubile teenagers getting killed, and makes up for this lack in ghost puppets:Brandon: Oh, well, the movie is still rated R, so maybe we'll get to see some of these things naked!
- "Sean S. Cunningham and Steve Miner present... a movie that won't be as popular as Friday the 13th, but will still be a franchise, damn it!"
- (regarding the disturbing imagery on the paintings) "Well, one thing for sure, this house has an impressive collection of fanarts in it!"
- When the movie opens on a boy bringing groceries to a woman, Brandon suspects this might actually be the beginning to a porn. Then when the boy finds the old woman dead, Brandon comments this can still turn into a porn- it will just have to be on the Dark Web, now.
- "Wait a minute- you mean Roger spends his days writing about horror shit and taking dinners alone?! Who the hell does he think he is? Me? Oh well, at least my computer is better than his."
- Whenever the Vietnam flashbacks play out, Brandon suspects the characters only think they are Vietnam and actually are in their mother's backyard due to the poorly-designed set.
- The Running Gag of Brandon comparing the movie to Evil Dead:
Brandon: Well that does it: when random shit starts coming to life, you gotta go full Ash Williams on its ass!
- When Roger reacts to a fish coming to life on his wall by grabbing a shotgun:
Monster: I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! I'LL SWALLOW YOU SOUL! (snicker) Just messing with yah, man!
- Later, when Roger enters the ghost dimension and gets attacked by a strangely Deadite-esque monster:
- "Fun fact: not only do these thing look like something from Evil Dead, they will also go Ash Williams on your ass!"
- After the protagonist almost got killed twice while staying in the titular house to write his Vietnam book, Brandon suggests he should just leave this clearly dangerous house and do what all writers do- finishing his book while taking drugs in an hotel room.
- When Roger tries to save his neighboor's son from the monsters, Brandon calls him out for not letting them get rid of the annoying kid for him.
- Brandon's irritation about Big Ben somehow surviving for way too long after being shot multiple times in the flashbacks, culminating in The Reveal by his present ghost self that even after that, the viet were able to torture him for weeks before he did die.Brandon!Big Ben: They did unspeakable things, but it still took forever to kill me! You think I'm like this because of decomposition? THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE LITERALLY A SECOND BEFORE I DIED!
- Since Big Ben was kidnapped and tortured in Vietnam, Brandon suggests that instead of coming back as a ghost, he should have just done what John McCain did and run for president.
The Fighting Fists of Shangai Joe
- "So, we are introduced to our main character Shangai Joe, which I assume is a name he got because he comes from Detroit."
- "What am I saying, this is the Old West! You don't need a job! You can just make money by robbing banks!"
- Shangai Joe answers to a Texan insulting him by calling his sister a slut:Brandon!Texan: WHAT?! Nobody talks about the mother of my children that way!
- When telling people owning a ranch he is looking for a job as a cowboy, Shangai Joe finds them laughing in his face:Brandon!Ranch Owners: Eheheheheh... Alright, if you're up for it, you can start tomorrow!
- The main character Shangai Joe keeps praising America as a great country and saying he likes being there... which leaves Brandon baffled, seeing how almost every single person he met in America either was incredibly racist to him, tried to kill him with little provocation, or both.
- Then after the above happened twice, Brandon suggests he should just anbandon looking for a job and make a living by taking stuff from all the people who mess with him.
- The Running Gag of Bandon being convinced asian people in this setting have magic powers, given all the completely over-the-top things Shangai Joe is capable of doing with his martial arts.
- Connected to the two above, Brandon pointing out how stupid people are to constantly reject and insult Shangai Joe whenever he comes looking for a job, given how a guy with magic kung fu skills would actually be incredibly useful.
- Brandon's irritation over the fact Shangai Joe can't seem to realize his Love Interest clearly is into him:Brandon: This guy should have been called Oblivious Joe!
- At the end of the movie, when Shangai Joe ends up fighting a martial artist from the same school than his sent by the bad guys, Brandon comments he'd like it if Joe did like Indiana Jones and just pulled out a gun to shoot his opponent. This is exactly what ends up happening... except the bad guy ends up doing this, much to the annoyance of Brandon, who complains the hero is supposed to do it.
Night of the Demon
- When presenting the movie, Brandon mentions this is a Patreon review - and really hopes he didn't confuses this with the big foot movie Night of the Demon. He then admits it probably doesn't matter, as he is likely to get to that one later anyway.
- When mentioning how much of this movie was blatantly made in the 80s:Brandon (while showing clips of the characters): I mean, seriously, can you imagine this being film in any other decade? Stranger Things wishes it was this eighties!
- "Oh, wait, it's not a serial killer, it's just an eighties douche bag!"
- Brandon wonders if the movie won't have too much fake-out scares. Cue a Jump Scare that turns out to have been caused by a sexy girl:Brandon: Oh, well, at least the fake scares seem to be getting hotter.
- "That scene was very important because it established Judy has an ass."
- Later, Brandon, being irritated by the little brother and his friend, asks if there are any other characters they could cut to. Cue a cut to a Panty Shot from a female character.Brandon: ... Boy. This movie really does want us to know that the characters have asses, does it?
- Later, Brandon, being irritated by the little brother and his friend, asks if there are any other characters they could cut to. Cue a cut to a Panty Shot from a female character.
- When one of the characters insists that they didn't take any wrong turn:
- One of the characters mentions she heard stories about the haunted place they are partying to:Brandon!Girl: Yeah, for starter, they said it was built on an Ancient Indian Burial Ground! Nothing supernatural happened or anything, but the extra-property taxes they had to pay were brutal! Oh, and the family that owned it got brutally murdered years ago! Whatever, I'm sure it's fine!
- The Running Gag of the black character Roger desperately trying to get away because, according to Brandon, he really wants to avert Black Dude Dies First.Brandon!Roger: Aw, man, that does it! I am not dying first in this movie even if it kills me!
- The demons inflict Demonic Possession on Linnea Quigley's character:Brandon: Well, can't say I blame them. If I was at this party, I'd try to get inside Linnea Quigley too!
- "Man, forget the Demons, I think this place is haunted by fakeout scares!"
- This exchange:Angela: You know, Stooge, I never realized how sexy you are...Brandon: Well, that's probably because he's not sexy!
- When Linnea Quigley's character starts going insane from her possession and uses her make-up in grotesque ways:Brandon!Linnea: Do you wanna know how I got these implant scars?
- "Damn, I would have said Judy should have just gone to the school dance, but that isn't going so well either!"
The Galaxy Invader
- "This better be important, kid, I'm entering a Sonny Bono lookalike contest tomorrow!"