Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2022 Episodes 677 - 699

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677: Ultimate Power #9

• The title card features Linkara glaring at a "Greg Land"-styled picture of him holding a banner reading "IT'S DONE", with Viga saying "I really stuck the 'Greg Landing'. Eh?! Eh!?"
• The issue opens with the Hulk attacking the Aquaman pastiche, the Amphibian, and Nighthawk, as Captain America tries to get him to stop:
  Captain America: HULK! PUT THAT MAN DOWN!
  Linkara: [as Captain America] You don't know where he's been!
  Hulk: HULK SQUISH FISHIES!
  Linkara: [as Captain America] No, Hulk! Fish doesn't need to be tenderized! You're ruining the meat!
• The Hulk next battles the Squadron Supreme's Martian Manhunter pastiche, the Skrullian Skymaster, while he changes his appearance to match Hulk's, and beats him until he reverts to his default form:
  Hulk: Now, you don't look like Hulk... YOU LOOK LIKE DINNER!
  Linkara: [as the Hulk] Hulk really embrace raw food diet!
  • The Human Torch tries to incapacitate the Hulk with his fire blasts, but Hulk uses his super-breath to extinguish the flames and knock the Torch out:
    Linkara: [as the Hulk] Downside of raw food diet: Hulk's breath really bad!
• The next hero to step up against the Hulk is the Thing:
  Thing: You may think you're stronger than me— —and MAYBE you are—! But, I got somethin' you ain't never gonna have. Heart.
  Linkara: Man, where's our Captain Planet reboot with Ben Grimm as Ma-Ti?
  Hulk: HA! HULK EAT THING'S HEART.
  Linkara: You know, this whole situation could've been resolved in, like, a minute if any of you had packed some Hostess Fruit Pies.
• Sue Storm tries to tell Spidey that he needs to blind the Hulk:
  Spider-Man: Who said that... WHOA! Hellllo, Betty!
  Sue Storm: It's Sue.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Sorry; it's just, I've seen that face before on another woman during this story.
• With the Hulk defeated, the fighting FINALLY stops between the teams, with Spidey revealing to everyone Nick Fury's role in all this:
  Spider-Man: Fury brought in Doom. Who knows who else he dealt with... the schemer!
  Linkara: "The schemer"? That's your go-to insult for him? Why stop there? Go for "nefarious" and "dastardly" while you're at it, dude!
  • After being subdued by both Kitty Pryde and the Shape, Fury is brought down to meet the others, and demands he be freed:
    Fury: Gentlemen, you're making an enormous mistake. You take me out of the equation and you take away the safety valve. There are things. Secret things. Things you know nothing about! DO NOT DO THIS.
    Linkara: [as Fury] I've demonstrated multiple times now that I am untrustworthy, and will happily contribute to the undoing of a world just to be super-secretive and dangerous; you should totally take me at my word!
    • Reed Richards then joins the others to deliver the other co-conspirator, Emil Burbank:
      Burbank: You can't do this to me. My planet needs me to protect it from all of you.
      Linkara: [as Burbank] I can best protect it by unleashing a biomass that kills millions! I'm the real good guy here, and I think I'm owed an apology! [beat] Written in "lorem ipsum", at that.
• Later, Steve talks with Tony about Wanda's powers, especially with how she was able to bring in an entire team of superheroes from another universe:
  Tony: It's kinda hot. If she wasn't so into her brother, I'd take a swing at her...
  Linkara: [as Tony] And then probably miss, 'cause I'm, like, three martinis to the wind at this point.
  Steve: You're such a jackass.
  Tony: Yeah, I know.
  Linkara: [as Tony] I mean, pretty much everyone here is; you just kinda get used to it.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Captain America: HULK! PUT THAT MAN DOWN!
  Linkara: [as Captain America] How many times have I told you, no roughhousing in the pool?!

678: PATREON: The Adventures of Superboy 3x05-06 and 4x07-08

• Linkara begins looking at the first two-parter, "Roads Not Taken", starting with the show's opening titles:
  Narrator: [as a CGI Superman symbol and a framed scene of Kal-El's ship leaving Krypton fly across the screen] Rocketed from a distant planet to a bold new destiny on Earth...
  Linkara: [as the narrator] These still frames and the CGI logo will have a rich life on Earth.
  Narrator: ...he learned he possessed the strength of steel, the speed of light, and the desire to help all mankind.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] Unfortunately, he just used that power to recreate scenes from the movie Patton.
• We open on Lex Luthor and his henchwoman, Darla, entering a warehouse, where a functioning portal device is stored:
  Darla: But what does it do?
  Luthor: This, my bumble-headed sweetheart... is an interdimensional portal.
  Linkara: [as Luthor] And thus begins "Enter the Luthor-Verse"!
  • Luthor then steps inside, prompting, of course, a series of rapid-fire jokes:
    Darla: Lex, be careful.
    Luthor: [spins and flails around while cackling like a madman]
    Linkara: [desperately trying not to burst out laughing] Sooo, having never watched this series before, I should note that Wikipedia says that Seasons 3 and 4 took on a "darker" tone.
    [plays circus music over the scene with Luthor in the portal]
    Linkara: There has got to be a better way to show an interdimensional portal than flushing.
    Linkara: The Goa'uld's efforts to build their own Stargates had some design flaws.
    Linkara: As with any creative endeavor, I need to remind you all that several people watched this as it was being produced and said out loud, "Oh yeah, this is how I want this to look."
    Linkara: And now, Lex Luthor gets to experience the rinse cycle.
    Linkara: Quick, somebody activate the garbage disposal before he clogs it up!
    Dead or Alive: You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a record, baby...
    Linkara: This is a weird reboot of Sliders.
    Linkara: Hey, look; they gave Lex a swirlie.
    Linkara: Man, they just leave Iconian gateways anywhere nowadays, don't they?
    Linkara: And finally...
    Linkara: Show of hands: more or less embarrassing for Lex Luthor than the pee jar?
• Linkara points out that the portal is operated with late-80's computer technology:
  Linkara: The Amiga 500: When you want to head into an evil mirror universe, nothing does the job better! [aside] You control it using Video Toaster.
• After being given a ransom letter with a lock of Lana Lang's hair, Clark, as Superboy, goes to the warehouse and grills a man at the front desk about where she is, but he says he didn't write the letter:
  Superboy: Then who did?!
  Darla: I did. [smokes a cigarette as Superboy looks in her direction]
  Linkara: [as Darla] I've been standing here for three hours; it's weird how this guy hasn't noticed.
• Superboy uses the portal and ends up in an alternate universe where he is attacked by a bunch of homeless people, who repeatedly yell, "Die Superboy, die!":
  Linkara: Somewhere, Sideshow Bob is proclaiming that they're actually saying, "The Superboy, the."
• Eventually, Superboy meets with the alternate universe's version of himself, where, after one of Luthor's schemes ended up killing a few children, he murdered Luthor in revenge:
  Alternate Superboy: I used my heat vision, cut him right in two.
  Linkara: [as the alternate Superboy] And that's why I wear sunglasses in the middle of the night now.
• After being ambushed by Luthor and an alternate Dr. Winger, Superboy uses the portal and travels to a world where he is the supreme ruler, and culture seems to have been frozen since the 1930s, as a crowd gathers around him:
  Boy: Sovereign... May I have your autograph? [holds out a notebook to a confused Superboy]
  Superboy: Son... [sighs, then holds out his hand] Forty dollars.
  • Some goons arrive and haul an alternate Lana Lang in front of Superboy, where they ask if they get to execute her or if he'll do it himself:
    Boy: Rip her arms off, Sovereign. Burn her with your heat vision.
    Linkara: Eh, don't be too horrified by that; he says the same thing when watching Gordon Ramsay shows.
• We get a look at the Sovereign, who wears a more militaristic version of the Superboy costume, with black gloves and a red sash around his midsection:
  Sovereign: They hate me!
  Linkara: Eh, mostly, they hate your fashion sense, dude; the design is fine, but if you want people to take you seriously, make it out of leather or something that looks thicker than ordinary cloth.
• Superboy is taken in by the resistance movement and learns that instead of landing on the Kent farm, the Sovereign's ship landed on a granary a few hundred yards away, whose owner saw the potential for the baby Clark to make him ruler of the world:
  Linkara: Smallville's a diverse little town; farmers who instill ethics and virtues on one side... and megalomaniacs on the other.
  • After some of the Sovereign's forces storm the resistance's base, this world's version of Lex Luthor ends up mortally wounded and asks Superboy if there are other versions of Luthor willing to die for the cause like him:
    Linkara: [as Superboy] Well... yes, they would, but they'd also clone themselves and transfer their minds into a younger body and claim to be their own son; i-it's complicated.
• As Superboy and Luthor are transported back to their own reality as the portal is destroyed, Luthor loses his hair (read: has it yanked off his head), becoming the bald Luthor most people recognize:
  Linkara: ...Eh, still better than Jesse Eisenberg's Luthor.
• The next two-parter, "Know Thine Enemy", begins with Lana waking up to a familiar voice on the radio:
  Luthor: Gooooooooooood morning, Capitol City! Lex Luthor comin' at ya with a big surprise!
  Linkara: I always figured Lex's true destiny was as a morning zoo crew radio DJ.
  • Actually, Luthor uses the program to announce his plan to detonate a network of "dirty bombs" and wipe out the Earth's population via radiation:
    Linkara: So, you know, something to look forward to, I guess.
    • Luthor makes sure to mention that he has no demands, only giving everyone listening a warning:
      Luthor: Enjoy your final hours. I know I will. [honks a clown horn]
      Linkara: Is... Is he going to have sex that clown horn?
• Superboy and Lana arrive at Luthor's lair, where they discover some mini-disks containing Luthor's autobiography as well as a holographic projector displaying Luthor's face:
  Luthor Hologram: Project Genesis, progress report.
  Linkara: Oh yeah, this one's a much more efficient way of keeping records than just writing it down, Lex.
  Crow T. Robot: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.
  Linkara: Also, "Project Genesis"? So after the radiation kills everyone on Earth, Lex is going to use the Genesis torpedo to terraform Earth?
  • Linkara explains that the mini-disks are storing Luthor's actual memories:
    Linkara: Okay, so far, we've had memories transferred onto a three-and-a-half-inch floppy disk and punch cards... and now, mini-disks or VCDs or whatever the hell this thing is. Are there any other storage mediums that science fiction wants to pretend you can fit a human brain onto? A PlayStation memory stick, perhaps?
• Linkara takes stock of everything that's happened so far in this two-parter and reaches a conclusion:
  Linkara: I would just like to point out that, in his spare time, Lex Luthor created a bunch of nuclear bombs and a device that lets you record and view someone's memories... and yet, his first plan was "destroy all of humanity and show Superboy how sucky my childhood was". [beat] You know, Lex, this is why people like Superman more than you.
  • While trying to remove the memory viewer array from Superboy's head, Lana gets zapped and is knocked onto the floor:
    Luthor Hologram: Your injuries are minor. The electronic field is for protection, not harm.
    Linkara: Lex's audition to be the new Zordon isn't going well.
• Darla tries to threaten Luthor into stopping the countdown for the bombs by aiming a pistol at him; after he insults her, Darla gives in to her rage and shoots him:
  Luthor: Fascinating...
  Linkara: [as Luthor] You somehow managed to hit the blood pack in my shirt!
• Superboy forms a temporary alliance with Darla and tracks Luthor to his mansion, busting down the front door:
  Linkara: [as Superboy] I said I have some Girl Scout cookies to sell, dammit!
  • Eventually, Lana brings Luthor's sister Lena to him, where she lets him know how much she hates what he's done; Luthor tells her she can die with the rest, but the android Luthor refuses to let that happen and shuts off the countdown:
    Darla: You said you couldn't stop the countdown!
    Luthor: I lied.
    Linkara: Dishonesty, Lex? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk... Truly, the worst thing you've done today.
    • The two-parter ends with Luthor, defeated, telling Superboy that he never actually loved his sister:
      Lana: Sure, Lex. Whatever you say.
      Linkara: Meanwhile, Darla's just, like, "So, could I keep the Lexbot for myself, or...?"

679: PATREON: Batman: The Killing Joke Adaptation

• Linkara brings up a quote from The Killing Joke's author, Alan Moore, explaining why he disowned the story:
  Alan Moore: The Killing Joke is a story about Batman and the Joker; it isn't about anything that you're ever going to encounter in real life, because Batman and the Joker are not like any human beings that have ever lived. So there's no important human information being imparted.
  Linkara: You know, like all those other works of his that are all about real people and real human things, like the literary characters in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or Cthulhu Mythos stuff in Neonomicon, or science hero Tom Strong!
• Linkara explains that, since the original story was so short, the animated adaptation could fix certain problematic aspects, like adding more story or agency to Barbara's character:
  Linkara: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAD HEARD, BUT THAT DIDN'T END UP HAPPENING!
• The movie begins with an expanded prologue as Barbara narrates:
  Barbara: [narrating] There was a time when capes and cowls and fighting crime really was exciting.
  Linkara: [as Barbara] But, then really dark stories where people died or were horribly mutilated or just underwent terrible traumas happened, and they haven't really gotten out of that mindset yet. [beat] Good thing this isn't one of those stories! [gives a thumbs-up]
• From a distance, Batgirl sees Batman being handed a file by her father, Commissioner Gordon, before he contacts her:
  Batman: [over comms] You there?
  Batgirl: Yeah.
  Enrico Marini: Yeah.
  Batman: [swinging on a grapple] We've got a robbery.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Your father really needs to stop handing me big file folders for robberies; it's really kind of hard to read them while also swinging through the city, and I just end up punching them all the same way anyway!
• After a high-speed chase, Batgirl heads over to one of the robbers, who pulls out a gun on her; luckily, the Batmobile zooms in and hits the goon from the side:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Batgirl! I've realized now that I need to be less violent in my methods of stopping criminals; it's only going to lead to someone getting kill— [sees the robber's body] Oh. Uh... [beat] This never happened! Bye! [leaves]
• After failing to stop the robbers from stealing art from a storeroom, Batgirl sulks on a rooftop as Batman brings her coffee:
  Linkara: [as Batman, singing] The best part of waking up, is Batman in your cup!
  Linkara: [as Batgirl] ...Okay, I've had enough of creepy weirdos today.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Don't worry; you'll feel a lot better once you drink the Bat-beans!
  Linkara: [as Batgirl] Are you doing this deliberately?
  Linkara: [as Batman] Doing what?
  • Batman warns Batgirl against going after the robbers' leader, a mob boss's nephew named (seriously) "Paris Franz":
    Batman: I haven't had to deal with his type of crazy in a while... I don't want you to, either.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Not since One-Face have I had to deal with anyone as deranged, as evil, as diabolical as Whatshisface Gangster Nephew!
    • Naturally, Batgirl takes issue with this:
      Batgirl: And that's it? You speak, and the words are law?
      Batman: Yes.
      Linkara: [as Batman] And as such, I now declare by law that Fridays are to be called "Bat-Days"! [beat] Also, no parking on Sundays, which are henceforth known as "Bat-Day II". Or "Bat-Day Returns"...
• At the library, Barbara talks with her gay best friend Reese about relationships; specifically, she says she's kind of dating Batman, who she refers to as "the instructor from yoga class":
  Reese: But there's no sex?
  Barbara: God, no.
  Linkara: Yeah, imagine how weird that would be, what with the age difference, the issue of power dynamics, and just the fact that Batman acts more like a father figure for all of the adjacent Bat-characters! [chuckles] Wouldn't that be weird, movie?! [uncomfortable pause] WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD, MOV—?!
• The next evening, Paris leaves a message for the police to deliver to Batgirl, asking for her to go to the first place they crossed paths so he can "give her a gift":
  Batgirl: Cute.
  Batman: It's not cute. It's a trick.
  Batgirl: I know. But it is a little flattering.
  Linkara: [with a look of absolute disgust on his face] ...Sooo, a fan sent me a bottle of Cardassian Kanar; it's a drink from Star Trek. I'm gonna need a few more bottles of this stuff by the time we're done!
• Against Batman's orders, Batgirl goes to the impound lot to examine the recovered semi-truck, where she finds a phone wrapped with a ribbon:
  Batgirl: Is this the gift? Because I thought I was a little more special.
  Linkara: [as Batgirl] A Galaxy Note 3? [scoffs] These things are, like, a million years old; no second date for you, mister.
  • Actually, according to Paris, the real gift is somewhere else:
    Paris: Girls like scavenger hunts, don't they?
    Batgirl: [notably without blinking] Is this going to take long?
    Linkara: [as Batgirl] Because I lost the ability to blink a few minutes ago, and I think I need to get that looked at.
• At Batman and Batgirl's next meeting, Batman says she treats crime-fighting like a game and hasn't gone to "the edge":
  Batman: The abyss... The place where you don't care anymore, where all hope dies. [cut to Betelgeuse mockingly "jerking off"]
  • This leads into the most infamous scene of the movie, where, after a brief fight, Batgirl knocks Batman down and climbs on top of him... and then kisses him... and then removes her clothes to have sex with him:
    Linkara: [grins sheepishly, then pulls up a bottle of Klingon Bloodwine] Yeeep, switching to the Bloodwine! [starts chugging]
• A few days later, Barbara tells Reese about finally having sex with the "yoga instructor":
  Reese: Girl, you've been holding out. How was it?
  Linkara: [as Barbara] He kept shouting "Tell me how much you hate rock and roll!", and... weird as it was, it worked.
  Barbara: It was fantastic... like fireworks.
  Jocko Dundee: [as fireworks go off behind his window] Sounds like Johnny's gettin' laid!
  • On a meta note, the use of the Johnny Dangerously clip in the above scene is made funnier by the fact that the title character, to whom Jocko is referring, is played by Michael Keaton, who himself played Batman three times.
• As Batman and Batgirl track down Paris, she asks if things will go back to normal after they're done, to which he replies that he'll talk later:
  Batgirl: It was just sex, for God's sake! It doesn't have to mean anything!
  Linkara: [as Batman] So... That means we can go again? [puts on a wide grin]
  • After becoming distraught upon coming close to killing Paris, Barbara cedes her costume and gear to Batman:
    Barbara: I saw that abyss you spoke about... Very scary. I don't know how you resist it.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Well, women keep wanting to climb on top of me and "light the Bat-Signal", as it were, so that's pretty awesome.
    • Barbara's narration sets the stage for what's to come:
      Barbara: [narrating] A week later wouldn't matter anyway. A terrible storm was moving in... and we'd all be in for it by then.
      Linkara: [as Barbara] And unfortunately, it turns out I accidentally packed my raincoat in with that bag to Batman.
• Elsewhere, Batman is escorted by Detective Bullock to a storage space filled with corpses sporting a familiar grin, which date to about three years ago:
  Det. Bullock: Well, we won't know for sure if they was murdered till after the autopsies.
  Linkara: You never know; four people might have gone into a storage container, tied themselves to chairs, and then just forgot to leave. Weirder things have happened in the DCU.
• According to Linkara, The Killing Joke was conceptualized by artist Brian Bolland, who wanted to create a plausible, if not necessarily definitive, origin story for the Joker; this is mentioned in the story as the Joker sometimes remembering his past one way and sometimes another:
  Joker: If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!
  Linkara: [as the Joker] Which, admittedly, is a bit complicated when one of the options is "all of the above".
• Batman visits the Joker at Arkham Asylum, who is in his cell playing solitaire:
  Batman: I've been thinking lately about you. You and me.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I had sex with Batgirl on a rooftop the other night and started thinking about you. [beat] That's not weird, is it?
• Among several minor changes in adapting the story to film, one that particularly upsets Linkara is that there is no longer a photo of the Silver Age Bat-Family on Batman's desk:
  Linkara: Do you know how long it took to keep Bat-Mite in place to get that shot?! And you left it out?! Zero out of ten, filmmakers!
  • The film seems to compensate for this, however, by displaying pictures of Joker stories throughout the years, including an image of a beaten Jason Todd seemingly after Batman found his body:
    Linkara: [as Batman] Jason, you're alive! Let's get a selfie!
• While discussing the infamous scene of the Joker crippling Barbara, Linkara counters the argument that it led to her becoming Oracle by pointing out neither Alan Moore, Brian Bolland, nor Len Wein planned on that:
  Linkara: You know what their plan was for Barbara?
  Kuni: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
• In a flashback to Joker's past, he joins up with a gang planning to rob the chemical plant he used to work at, as well as the playing card company next door, where he explains his situation to his cohorts in a (supposed to be) drunken ramble:
  Joker (Pre-Accident): Sorry... I usually don't drink at lunchtime.
  Linkara: [as the Joker, holding a bottle of Bloodwine] Breakfast booze for me! It's the most important meal of the day, after all!
• Commissioner Gordon is led to the Joker at the amusement park while being stripped, shocked, beaten, and having a slave collar put on him by the Joker's cadre of circus freaks; he then asks Joker why he's been brought here:
  Joker: You're doing what any sane man in your appalling circumstances would do. You're going mad.
  Linkara: [as Gordon] Actually, this kind of reminds me of my college days, so it's a bit nostalgic.
  • Joker explains that since memories are needed to keep humanity reasonable, he's curious about what would happen if mankind were to abandon reason altogether:
    Linkara: [holding a bottle of Bloodwine] Or you can drink yourself to forget; that's what I do. There's a reason I was always hung over while reviewing Marville.
• After being subjected to a roller coaster ride where he is forced to look at pictures of Barbara stripped nude and in pain from the bullet to her spine, Gordon collapses, nonresponsive:
  Joker: Commissioner? Hello? Anybody home?
  Gordon: ...
  Linkara: Turns out Joker accidentally slipped in a dick pic on one of the screens. Gordon will never be the same again.
• During another flashback, the Joker, in his guise as the Red Hood, breaks into the chemical plant, but the job goes horribly awry as his men get picked off by the plant's security and the helmet severely limits his visibility; the Red Hood tries to flee, but unfortunately for him, Batman shows up:
  Batman: [to the security guards] No more shooting. I'll take care of this my way.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Red Hood! Let's punch each other and then have sex!
• Linkara goes over a scene from the comic where the Joker and his freak show treat the caged Gordon like a zoo animal while he rambles about "the average man":
  Joker: Physically unremarkable, it has instead a deformed set of values. Notice the hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. The club-footed social conscience and the withered optimism.
  Linkara: [as the Joker] Also, his belly button's an outie instead of an innie, and personally, I think that's weird.
• Batman arrives at the amusement park and chases the Joker, who explains his thesis that all it takes to drive a man to insanity is one bad day; he thinks Batman is similar to him in that he also had a "bad day" that made him crazy, but he won't admit it:
  Joker: You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Of course I have to! How else can I show the world that Beta is superior to VHS?!
  • As the two fight, Joker asks Batman why he doesn't see the world as a cruel joke like he does:
    Batman: Because I've heard it before... ...and it wasn't funny the first time.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Now, Paul Blart: Mall Cop? That's funny every time I see it!
    • Batman explains to the Joker that, despite his best efforts, Gordon was not driven insane, meaning his plan to prove anyone can crack after "one bad day" was a failure:
      Batman: Maybe... it's just you.
      Linkara: [as Batman] What we've got to do, Joker, is show you a good day to fix you! Come on, we're at an amusement park!
• Outside, after refusing his help to get better, Joker tells Batman a joke about two asylum escapees who plan to use the roof to escape, but only one of them succeeds in getting across; he tells his compatriot that he can shine a flashlight across the gap so that his friend can walk along the beam of light:
  Joker: But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'd just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"
  Linkara: [as Batman] Yes, I understand... [beat] He has to throw a flashlight over to his friend so he doesn't do that!

680: Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating the JLA

• Since it's been a minute (read: several years) since we last checked in with these characters, Linkara recaps the origin stories of each member of this version of the League:
  • Superman is an alien cop stranded on Earth who is eager to help humanity accelerate its efforts to develop a space program by ridding the planet of anything that would interfere with it, including muggers:
    Linkara: You never know; those twelve bucks in a dude's wallet could've made all the difference in colonizing Mars.
  • Batman was arrested for a crime he didn't commit and worked to become a professional wrestler, using his fame and fortune to fight injustice:
    Linkara: People kept comparing it to how Spider-Man was briefly a professional wrestler in canon, though I think there's different roots here; much like how Bruce Wayne was inspired by Zorro, this guy is inspired by El Santo!
  • Wonder Woman was granted powers by the Incan sun god Manco Capac after a power-hungry businessman murdered her judge father, and transforms into her superpowered alter ego via the shape-changing staff Tapac-Yauri, which she wears as a bracelet:
    Linkara: Wonder Woman, with the power to accessorize!
  • The Flash found herself on the run from an evil organization obsessed with her father's work in time travel; she gained her super-speed after falling into some green mist and getting injected with hummingbird DNA by her father:
    Linkara: I'd say that that made sense in the original comic, but then, I'd be a liar.
  • Green Lantern is a college professor who located the Tree of Life, Yggdrasil, in Africa, before getting shot by agents of Rev. Dominic Darrk and left for dead; the tree healed him and imbued him with its mystical power, saying he must defend the planet from humanity's self-destructive pursuits, as well as save the whales:
    Linkara: But he fails that task, and it's up to the crew of the Enterprise to do so.
• The issue starts with a splash page showing three disembodied heads floating in a dark void:
  Stan Lee's Narration: Look long and hard at these three faces.
  Linkara: [as Stan Lee] Begin the staring contest!
  Stan Lee's Narration: If all goes as planned, this will be the last time you'll see them up close — alive!
  Linkara: Uh, kinda late for that; it looks like they've already been decapitated.
  Stan Lee's Narration: Their crimes are too heinous to fully describe in a publication that may fall into the hands of young readers.
  Linkara: [as Stan Lee, pointing to each head] NFT Bro, YouTube Commenter, and most nefarious of all... TikTok Reality Show Producer!
  • These criminals are slated to be executed, and all three begin the process calmly, but lash out when the priest comes in to deliver their last rites, with Deke Durgan acting particularly unworried:
    Deke: Death? Who's dyin'? I'll come back'n make ya wish you'd never heard of Deke Durgan!
    Linkara: Someone coming back to life in a DC Comics story? That seems unlikely.
    • As the executions are carried out, the criminals suddenly teleport away:
      Stan Lee's Narration: Each prison, separated from the other by hundreds of miles... ...witnesses the same incredible phenomenon.
      Linkara: How the hell did Andy Dufresne escape from all three at once?!
      Stan Lee's Narration: This is when Brock Smith, Lucinda Radama and Deke Durgan vanish! And this is when they'll soon return as — the Doom Patrol!
      Linkara: [as Stan Lee] Order tickets on Fandango today!
• At Los Angeles University, Professor Leonard Lewis (Green Lantern) witnesses a young man named Adam Strange run past him wearing a purple pendant, only for him to run into the Doom Patrol, consisting of Brock Smith's Blockbuster, Lucinda Radama's Parasite... and Deke Durgan's Deathstroke:
  Linkara: Master assassin with above-average intelligence and reflexes? [snaps] Ooh! Let's make him a purple dude with huge hands in this universe! It's okay, though; the eyepatch brings it all together.
  • Green Lantern arrives and tries to carry Adam to safety, only for Blockbuster to throw a car at them:
    Green Lantern: That car can't hit us if it's sliced in two!
    Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
    • Unfortunately, that means the two halves of the car come very close to hitting other civilians:
      Green Lantern: Lucky no one got hurt down there!
      Linkara: [as Adam] Actually, it looks like a lot of people are hurt down there. That guy's got a broken leg... That's dude's on fire!
      Linkara: [as Green Lantern] Look, if you don't shut up, there's going to be one more injured person, but they'll be up here instead of down there!
• Since the Doom Patrol are too powerful for one superhero to handle alone, Adam suggests that Green Lantern look for others to help:
  Green Lantern: How do we find them? They don't exactly grow on trees.
  Linkara: I mean... the source of your power is literally the Tree of Life, so I think they kinda do!
  • Adam says he knows how to reach them, since he read about their exploits all the time:
    Linkara: Unfortunately, it turns out he's just been reading The Dresden Files a lot, and doesn't realize that it's fiction.
• The other people at the university seem pretty nonchalant at the idea of three purple supervillains, at least until Deathstroke kills a man who bumps into him:
  Woman: That man — he only touched him. And — and now — he's dead!
  Linkara: Yeah, static shocks are the worst.
• Underneath a wooden pier, Green Lantern sends out a signal to the other heroes in the L.A. area; special mention goes to Mary Maxwell (The Flash) for having a, shall we say, "unique" receiver:
  Mary: There's not a Game Boy made that can match my speed.
  Linkara: Yeah, remember when Nintendo made that weird model of Game Boy with the huge D-Pad in the middle of the system and, like, eight buttons around the top and right of it? [beat] Still sold better than the Virtual Boy.
  • The Green Lantern delivers his message:
    Green Lantern: This is the Green Lantern. Sorry to break in on you this way, but it's an emergency.
    Linkara: [as Green Lantern] Can you guys help me move a couch this weekend?
    • Superman initially refuses to attend the meeting, but his publicist, Lois Lane, insists he go to help his public image:
      Lois: We want the whole world to root for Superman! Think of the TV offers, the movies, the games!
      Linkara: We could get you a cartridge on one of those Game Boy things! [gasps] It would even use all eight buttons!
• Adam inquires about Green Lantern's "green aura", so he allows him to gently touch the lantern symbol on his chest, only to be interrupted by Superman:
  Superman: NO! Stop! I don't trust anyone. Let me do that, kid — just in case.
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Only he may fondle the chests of men!
  • Unfortunately, Superman touches the symbol just a little too hard:
    Green Lantern: It activated my protective force field!
    Linkara: God, I'm glad he only pressed too hard on his chest; what happens when you touch other parts too hard?
• As a result of the touch, Superman manages to speak directly with Yggdrasil:
  Yggdrasil: Welcome, Salden. I am Yggdrasil, the eternal essence of Earth.
  Superman: I dunno what that means, but how do you know my real name?
  Yggdrasil: Much do I know. Yet, alas, not all.
  Linkara: [as Yggdrasil] For instance, what happens if you put cheese in a Blu-ray player? I mean, I think I know what happens, but I don't know. Get what I mean?
  • Superman asks if he can be sent back to his homeworld, but Yggdrasil promises nothing:
    Yggdrasil: If you but serve for hope of reward... ...then your heart is not the equal of your power.
    Linkara: [as Yggdrasil] Although, I can offer some money, if it helps.
• The Doom Patrol attacks and smashes the pier, but Wonder Woman and Batman show up in the nick of time and manage to hold back Parasite and Deathstroke, leaving Superman to deal with Blockbuster:
  Superman: Here, Curly — regards from Yagga-Whosis!
  Linkara: [as Yggdrasil] Okay, I was actually going to send you home after this, but after you screwed up my name...
  • However, the Doom Patrol proves to be much tougher than they thought, leaving the heroes battered and bruised; Deathstroke drains Green Lantern of his energy and prepares to kill him, but Blockbuster tells him not to and to regroup at Rev. Darrk's base:
    Linkara: The Dumb Patrol.
• As the cops close in on our heroes (as well as the newly-arrived Flash), Batman summons his helicopter to pick them up; he then gives the group a pep talk after discussing their earlier defeat:
  Batman: Hey, lady, there's all kinds of defeats. There's the kind where you're down for the count. But there's also a first-round knockdown— —where you get up again an' start whuppin' some major butt. Me, I go with that kind.
  Linkara: Indeed, Batman. [beat] And that's why my client is ready to face you again in a rematch!
  Bone Button: [growling] BATMAAAN! You may have won the last time we took each other on, but this time, Bone Button is ready for ya! This time, it ain't gonna be a first-round knockdown; it's gonna be a first-round PULVERIZIIING! [more growling and flexing]
  • Green Lantern says that since this was their first time working together, they had no idea of each other's powers or limits:
    Green Lantern: But if we can get our act together— —I'm betting we could be the best there is at what we do!
    Linkara: [as Green Lantern] Losing!
    • And so, everyone agrees to form a team:
      Flash: Why don't we all get us some cool T-shirts?
      Batman: Stifle it, Flash.
      Linkara: Indeed! Everyone knows that if you want some T-shirts, you should head over to Shark Robot or Teespring to pick up some of mine! Haven't you ever wanted to declare your masculinity, or say that a given comic is not to your satisfaction, or advertise not only this show, but Longbox of the Damned as well?! [beat] Scratch that; don't advertise that show.
• Meanwhile, Superman, under the control of Parasite, flies to the Church of Eternal Empowerment:
  Superman: The door's probably locked. But that won't stop me.
  Linkara: [as Superman] I was the best ring-and-runner on my planet.
  • Superman tries to punch through the building's force field, but Adam arrives and uses the pendant's power to pinpoint the field's weak spot:
    Superman: What's with your eyes? Why are they glowing like that?
    Linkara: [as Adam] You know the purple stuff in Sunny D commercials? I drank a lot of that.
• As Superman flies into the church, Blockbuster and Deathstroke block Adam's path, but thankfully, the other heroes swoop in to save the day:
  Batman: You can call us — the Justice League!
  Flash: [thinking] I'm glad we picked that name. It'll make a great title for a movie.
  Linkara: Yeah, but the movie itself won't be that great...
  • In a shocking twist, however, Adam reveals his villainous intentions as he orders Deathstroke and Blockbuster to attack the League:
    Adam: I'm on no one's side. Adam Strange only sides with Adam Strange. I planned it so you'd all annihilate each other!
    Linkara: Considering we were this close to the Doom Patrol killing three of them, you didn't really balance this out very well.
• Inside the church, Superman takes on Rev. Darrk and his goons; Adam barges in, and we learn that he is actually Darrk's son:
  Linkara: So, this family just has a penchant for weird last names, huh?
  • Using the power of the Sapphire of Ranagar, Adam engages in a duel with Rev. Darrk as Superman looks on; Adam says that Darrk feared that his son's power would eventually eclipse his own:
    Superman: You sure have great father-son relationships on this stupid planet.
    Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Defender of this stupid planet!
    Rev. Darrk: Stand you aside, Superman. This is between me and my now-doomed progeny.
    Linkara: Isn't it nice when the heroes don't actually have to do anything in order to save the day?
• Parasite, through Superman, attacks Darrk so she can absorb his power, but he proves to be quite a formidable opponent:
  Rev. Darrk: I am Dominic Darrk. That is all you need to know. My power comes from a source beyond your comprehension.
  Linkara: [as Darrk] THE POWER OF GRAPE FLAVOR!
  • Because his followers have seen him take some punches, Darrk decides to murder them all to save face:
    Linkara: This is always a problem for recruiting; he has to replenish the congregation any time he trips over a power cord.
    • Adam tries to ask Darrk to join him, but Darrk knows he will betray him the first chance he gets, and thus kills him:
      Linkara: I know this statement's going to be controversial, but I've got to say it: Dominic Darrk is a bad father. I'm glad he never got custody.
• As Green Lantern enters the fray, Darrk directs Parasite to control him; while trying to fight Parasite's influence, Green Lantern tells Superman they need to do something:
  Superman: I'll do what I can — but how d'ya fight when the rules keep changin'?
  Linkara: Some people just don't get how to play Calvinball.
• Thanks to some stellar teamwork, Batman and Wonder Woman land a direct hit on Blockbuster's head, causing his hardened purple skin to shatter:
  Brock: Wh-What happened to me? How come I ain't purple no more?
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, I wake up asking that sometimes.
  • During his mad dash to freedom, however, Brock steps on some loose wires, electrocuting himself:
    Linkara: So, what I'm seeing here is that Deathstroke is accidentally going to trip and fall on a lethal injection, while Parasite accidentally breathes in some poisonous gas?
• Working as a team, the Justice League finally confronts Rev. Darrk, eventually forcing him to retreat; as reporters swarm in and hound them with questions, they decide to teleport away to a hideout:
  Green Lantern: All of you— —gently place your hands upon my chest symbol.
  Linkara: [as Green Lantern] Now begin rubbing the Nipples of Justice!
  • They are then transported to the home of Yggdrasil, where they declare they need to be prepared for Darrk's return and formalize the League:
    Green Lantern: Here's to the Justice League of America.
    Batman: Why only America? Why not Earth?
    Flash: There are certain tax advantages.
    Linkara: Tax benefits: the goal of every great superhero team!
    Wonder Woman: Do we get fringe benefits — like vacation pay?
    Linkara: Hahahaha! Oh, Wonder Woman... No; it's a gig economy.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Stan Lee's Narration: Lucinda Radama. She has been wife to many men, none of whom died a natural death.
  Linkara: [as Stan Lee] No newspaper seemed to find it weird that they were all on the same plane together.

681: PATREON: Chew: Poyo Character Focus

• Linkara explains that this review centers around a specific character, the fighting rooster-turned-cyborg Poyo, which prompts a certain other chicken-themed robot to interject:
  Pollo: My not-ears are burning.
  Linkara: Yeah, no, dude, it's about a character who's a chicken. It's pronounced the same way, but spelled differently, with a "Y" instead of two "L"s like you.
  Pollo: Gotcha. [turns to leave, but then stops] W-Wait a second... Two "L"s... Chicken... Is my name the Spanish word for "chicken"?!
  Linkara: Well... yeah...
  Pollo: Oh, my God. I just realized... I actually look like a chicken. You created a literal robot chicken. Like the show. How have I not figured this out until now?
  Linkara: I mean, you're only vaguely chicken-shaped, even in your original body...
  Pollo: I'm having an existential crisis here, and we will talk more about this after the review! [hovers away]
• Linkara warns that the series contains food, eating, and lots of gore, especially cannibalism:
  Linkara: Oh goody, we're in the Ultimate Universe; everything's grounded now!
• Since the series is so cooking-centric, the snippets from Hell's Kitchen make their glorious return.
• The first issue introduces us to the main character of the series, Tony Chu:
  Captions: Tony Chu is almost always hungry, and almost never eats.
  Linkara: [as the captions] It just goes right to his hips, is all.
  • Actually, Tony is what is termed a "cibopath", which means he can see the entire history of everything he eats... such as a cow getting slaughtered by a butcher to become hamburger meat:
    Linkara: On the plus side, he does see the Amazing Cow Heroes then take vengeance out on the butcher.
    • However, there does exist one food that his powers don't work on:
      Captions: Consequently, Tony Chu eats a lot of beets.
      Linkara: [as the captions] Consequently, Tony Chu has severe kidney stones, and his urine is pink.
• Tony and his partner, John Colby, are on a stakeout looking for buyers of illegal poultry; they begin to bust one such deal when they are stopped by Agent Mason Savoy of the F.D.A., who tells them the buyer is actually an informant for the agency and therefore can't be arrested, but he won't stop them from obtaining some poultry themselves:
  Savoy: —in the spirit of cooperation— —you can go into yon eatery, and enjoy an enticing, albeit extralegal, regalement of the finest poultry the American black market has to offer— —all at the expense of the United States government, and with my complete and sincere blessing and compliments. The password is "wishbone."
  Linkara: [as Tony] Okay, fine, but my Yelp review is going to be very subdued!
• Tony orders chicken soup from the speakeasy and begins to sip from it... and promptly discovers that a large number of victims have become ingredients for the dish:
  John: How's the soup taste?
  Linkara: [as Tony] Oh, God, I think they put grape jelly and mustard in this!
  • Tony and John confront the speakeasy's sous-chef, Tracy Lee Cobb, who they suspect of being a serial killer; after John gets mortally wounded by Cobb, Tony chases after him and demands the names of those he killed, only for Cobb to slit his throat before he can be taken into custody:
    Tony: Dammit. You rather die than go to jail? Fine. But I'm still getting those names.
    Linkara: ...And he takes a bite out of him. Multiple, in fact. You see?! Cautionary tale, here! You outlaw chicken, and the police resort to cannibalism!
• Issue 12 begins with Tony in a blonde wig and mustache aiming a gun at a man flanked by two bodyguards:
  Captions: The pages got shuffled out of sequence this issue. This is actually page eighteen.
  Linkara: Well, then, they should've fixed it for the digital copy I got!
• We get our first glimpse of Poyo in a cockfighting ring, having just massacred a group of chickens, even dragging the body of one of them across the wall in a streak of blood:
  Linkara: This is the dark reboot of Chicken Boo that nobody wanted!
• Tony is partnered up with one of the F.D.A.'s informants, D-Bear, to set up a fake cockfighting venue and lure the ringleaders in, then swoop in and arrest anyone else involved, with a major target being a man named "Butcher Jones":
  Tony: And after snatching Poyo, he's got incentive to stage more fights, 'cuz of all the money it will bring, right?
  Linkara: [as Tony] Then, as soon as we get Poyo, we buy out his contract and start having him do legit fighting in wrestling matches! It's win-win!
  • Tony then confronts Jones as seen in "page eighteen", and shoots the lock to Poyo's cage, freeing him to swipe at Jones and his bodyguards with his claws; the bodyguards shoot each other in the confusion, and Poyo slices Jones' throat, standing victorious atop his body:
    Linkara: ...Okay, I mentioned the Amazing Cow Heroes earlier, and I think we may have found their arch-nemesis.
• In issue 18, Tony and John are punished by their boss, Appleby, for the time John stood him up on Thanksgiving by being sent on increasingly perilous missions:
  Linkara: This is partly your fault, Colby; sleeping with the boss is already a bad idea from either side of things, but if you're going to do it, you've got to at least try to follow through on the relationship, lest they send you out to deal with a scout troop that's actually an apocalyptic death cult.
• In the Special Agent Poyo one-shot, we take a trip to Hell as Satan is informed of a new arrival that's ripped every creature sent to round it up to shreds... which turns out to be Poyo:
  Satan: Of course!
  M. Bison: Of COURSE!
  Satan: Hear me, O forces of darkness! Descend! Bring forth all the fiery darkness, the power of Hell, and the untold tortured souls of the Legion of the Damned, and smite! Smite our enemy!
  Linkara: [in a deep voice] They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse. Rip and cluck, until it is done.
  • Unfortunately for the forces of Hell, Poyo is just too strong for them to handle; we later see him stand atop a pile of bodies, with Satan himself at the bottom:
    Linkara: Guys, I know you're out there! Give unto me a Doom Eternal mod where I play as an all-powerful rooster!
    • Back in the real world, Poyo's body is revived, and his soul walks towards the light to leave Hell:
      Demon: Look, my Lord. He—He's retreating.
      Satan: Not retreating. Merely seeking fertile ground for conquest.
      Linkara: Hey, remember when Jonathan Joestar told Dio "Guess who survived his time in Hell?" [beat] He was talking about Poyo.
• In the U.K., Agent Barnes of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) asks his boss who Poyo is, who in turn describes many of his exploits, such as foiling the "Irradiated Zookeeper's Revenge"...
  Linkara: Now I'm radioactive! That's good for revenge!
  • ...as well as "Ghenghis Condor and His Mutant Mongol Tyrano-Riders":
    Linkara: I am very curious why we're not reading that story right now...
• During an assault on the base of mad scientist Dr. Regenbogen, Poyo is teleported into the sky; he falls in love with a hen who was teleported alongside him, but becomes filled with rage after the hen is struck by lightning and killed:
  Linkara: Just as well, Poyo; you're Married to the Job.
• The one-shot ends on a happy note, with Poyo making friends with a group of frog/chicken hybrids (called "frickens") as he winks at the reader:
  Linkara: What's happening is either something incredibly wholesome... or the weirdest orgy in history is about to start.
• The post-credits stinger, which does indeed continue the conversation from the start of the video:
  Pollo: I'm just saying, of all the animals you could have built a robot around... why a chicken?
  Linkara: I like chickens.
  Pollo: You like eating chickens! Am I just a meal to you?!
  Linkara: I mean, I haven't tasted fried robot...
  Pollo: I'm beginning to suspect this is how Mechakara came about!

682: Youngblood: Strikefile #3

• Linkara recaps Diehard's story, which involves him rescuing the Golden Age hero Super-Patriot from an evil corporation...
  Linkara: Pardon my redundancy; "a corporation".
  • ...which plans to turn him into a heavily-armed cyborg:
    Linkara: Just you wait; Amazon workers are finally going to unionize, and then the higher-ups are going to unleash cyborg zombies on them.
    • The last issue ended with Super-Patriot preparing to drop a boulder on Diehard, despite his hands being replaced with gun barrels:
      Linkara: I just imagine it like the worst case of someone trying and failing to use chopsticks ever.
• The cover features Chapel with his head sunk into his torso, trying to reach out to the reader:
  Linkara: [as Chapel, copying the pose] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you!
• The Chapel segment begins with a flashback to the moment he was injected with a super soldier serum as part of a government experiment, and he wishes the process went quicker:
  Chapel: I ain't complainin'. Whatever you guys are shootin' me up with, it makes me feel better than I've felt in my entire life.
  Linkara: [as a scientist, whispering] So, when do we tell him we've just been injecting him with Mountain Dew Baja Blast?
  • With that, Chapel receives his injection (which, unbeknownst to him, is actually the AIDS virus):
    Scientist: There you are, Mr. Stinson... ...One more step toward becoming the finest operative the agency has ever had... Bigger, stronger... More agile than all the others.
    Linkara: And if there was one thing that Youngblood needed more of, it was bigger guys!
• Chapel spies Al Simmons outside the lab, and wonders if he's getting the same injections he just received:
  Simmons: Not a chance, buddy!
  Linkara: [as Simmons] I'm strictly a Code Red guy.
  • Chapel states he doesn't care what's getting injected into him as long as it keeps producing the same results:
    Chapel: I mean, look at me, Al! Have you ever seen a more perfect specimen?
    Daryl: Just 'cause I never fought a balloon animal before...
• Back in the present, Chapel bursts into Jason Wynn's office to assassinate him:
  Wynn: No need to shout, Chapel — I'm right here. And you're late. I was expecting you hours ago.
  Linkara: [as Wynn] I mean, you said "tonight", but it's, like, 5 AM now; what the hell happened?
• The Diehard segment picks up where the last issue left off:
  Diehard: DIEHARD PERSONAL LOG ENTRY. TIME: 2:05.
  Linkara: [as Diehard] NEED TO WRAP THIS UP; WAS PLANNING ON WATCHING THE LATE NIGHT MOVIE ON USA AT 2:30.
  • After distracting Super-Patriot with his shield, Diehard manages to knock him out cold:
    Diehard: UNFORTUNATELY WE WEREN'T OUT OF THE WOODS YET. I STILL HAD TO MAKE IT OUT OF CYBERDATA INTACT.
    Linkara: Next page: He makes it out of Cyberdata intact.
    Tom Servo: Wow, they held the tension for a full second.
• Back at base, Diehard discusses Super-Patroit's condition with his boss, who explains that Cyberdata cut their losses and simply shut Super-Patriot down rather than continue resisting:
  Boss: I suppose the old adage, "If I can't have one neither can you", applies here.
  Linkara: Nah, it just turns out to be planned obsolescence; you need to buy the new Super-Patriot model now!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Glory: Nothing like a reality check, is there?
  Diehard: HELLO, GLORY.
  Glory: Makes you face your mortality... confront your fears.
  Linkara: [as Glory] For instance, I'm afraid of one of my legs being longer than the other— [shows a panel of Glory with two mismatched legs] Oh no!

683: PATREON Viewers' Choice: Doctor Who: Logopolis

• The serial begins with a shot of an actual police box being used by a policeman:
  Linkara: Which, considering the police box is the most iconic object of the show, you'd think would be happening more often.
  • However, a TARDIS materializes over the police box and drags the officer in to his almost-certain doom:
    Linkara: A visual representation of deep-diving through a very thoroughly researched fan wiki.
• The Doctor talks with his companion Adric about going to Earth to find a police box:
  Adric: I'd like to see Earth, but why go all that way just to look at something that looks like the TARDIS?
  Linkara: I don't know, Adric; ask all the tourists who want to go to the one in Earl's Court. [beat] I want to go to it, too...
  • The Doctor explains that he wants to take its measurements:
    Adric: Whatever for?
    The Doctor: Block-transfer computation.
    Linkara: [as The Doctor] We're going to calculate the perfect Lego version of one.
    • The Doctor elaborates on how he'll deliver the measurements to the planet Logopolis when they're suddenly interrupted by a deep booming noise:
      Adric: What is it?
      The Doctor: The Cloister Bell.
      Linkara: [as The Doctor, holding a Poké Ball] Get your Ultra Balls ready, Adric! Even if it's just a Shellder, it's worth it!
• After explaining the mechanics of the TARDIS to Adric, The Doctor laments that he can't ask Romana to help fix its chameleon circuit since she left:
  The Doctor: Still... the future lies this way. [leaves]
  Linkara: [sighs] Doctor... That's the way to the toilet.
• We cut to a woman named Tegan Jovanka and her aunt Vanessa trying to fix a flat tire:
  Tegan: Sorry, Auntie, but you just don't get this sort of silly aggravation with aircraft!
  Linkara: Spoken like someone who's never had to sit for eight hours in an airport terminal waiting for plane maintenance. [beat] Or had to sit in the plane while it waited on the runway for two hours during summer, with the air conditioning turned off, while they did the plane maintenance. [beat] Or had to fly United.
• The Doctor explains to Adric how he actually stole the TARDIS while it was in for repairs:
  The Doctor: I should have waited till they'd done the chameleon conversion, but there were other pressing reasons at the time.
  Linkara: [as The Doctor] Turns out the Chancellery Guards don't appreciate when you graffiti "Prydonian Chapter Rules" on their office doors. [beat] Just as well; my granddaughter had keyed their cars an hour earlier.
  • The Doctor then pulls out a hidden keyboard from a console:
    Adric: What do these numbers and letters mean?
    Linkara: [as The Doctor] It's called "QWERTY", Adric, and even the Time Lords recognize what a great layout it is.
    • The Doctor expresses his desire to be less conspicuous since his last encounter with The Master, but Adric thinks there's nothing to worry about since The Master died:
      The Doctor: But since we left Traken, and then the Cloister Bell...
      Adric: Wild catastrophe?
      The Doctor: Mmm.
      Linkara: It's going to turn out to just be the TARDIS trying to shake off a parking ticket stuck on it.
• While Tegan and Vanessa concentrate on the tire, The Doctor lands the TARDIS next to the police box:
  The Doctor: We've missed!
  Linkara: [as The Doctor] We were supposed to fall and crush those two out there!
  • As the repair job continues, we see a strange white figure spying on the two:
    Linkara: Dammit, Clotho! First you take the Green Zyuranger, and now you're going after Tegan?!
• Tegan notices the police box and heads inside after seeing the TARDIS' interior, and examines the console after getting trapped:
  Tegan: There must be intelligent life at the end of this lot.
  Linkara: Oh yeah, I see that lever with the big red ball at the end of it and think to myself, "These guys are WAY beyond us!"
• After The Doctor somehow exits the TARDIS, he's spotted by the police investigating the abandoned car; when The Doctor looks inside, he sees two doll-like figures of the earlier police officer and Vanessa:
  Linkara: This is a weird remake of the movie Life-Size.
• After a close call with the police, The Doctor and Adric try to dematerialize the TARDIS, but the other TARDIS is keeping it from moving; after mulling over his options, The Doctor comes to a decision:
  The Doctor: Adric... I'm going to jettison Romana's room.
  Linkara: Meanwhile, over in The Adventures of Superboy, Dr. Winger's opening his dimensional portal for the first time, and the contents of Romana's room come spilling out.
• As The Doctor frets about The Master's return, a remark from Adric about flushing The Master out of the TARDIS gives him an idea:
  The Doctor: Materialise the TARDIS underwater... and open the door.
  Linkara: Uhh, Doctor, the TARDIS is not the frigging Augean Stables! You can't just pour a river into it and say, "Well, that's that! Gonna knock off for the day now!"
• After meeting with the white figure, "The Watcher", The Doctor informs Adric that they're going to Logopolis:
  The Doctor: I've just dipped into the future. We must be prepared for the worst.
  Linkara: [as The Doctor] For instance, we should remember our swim trunks when dipping into the future.
• Tegan reveals herself to The Doctor and Adric, and expresses her desire to return to Earth since her aunt is waiting for her:
  The Doctor: Your aunt?! Woman in the white hat, red sports car?!
  Linkara: [as The Doctor] I was going to sell her on eBay; she's a collectible!
• After The Doctor inputs the repair data from the leader of the Logopolitans, The Monitor, the TARDIS begins to shrink:
  Linkara: You know, I hate to even suggest this, but with his propensity for shrinking things, are we sure The Master doesn't just have a giant fetish?
• As the third part begins, The Master officially makes his grand return:
  The Master: [chuckles] At last, Doctor. At last, I've cut you down to size.
  Linkara: [as The Master, chuckles] Oh, this was in no way part of my plan, but sometimes, you've just got to make your own fun.
• As Adric and The Monitor try to fix the equations, they discover that several Logopolitans have been tissue-compressed into dolls:
  The Monitor: Interfering with the working of Logopolis... The most dangerous crime in the universe.
  Linkara: [as The Monitor] How the hell are we going to get our standardized test scores up now?!
• The Doctor quotes Thomas Huxley about how the world is a chessboard:
  The Doctor: "And the opponent makes no allowances for mistakes, nor makes the smallest concession to ignorance."
  Linkara: Huh. It's a good line; someone should take inspiration from that quote and plan an entire storyline of a comic book review show around it. [grins]
• Nyssa receives a message from The Master, who still claims to be her father, and tells her he's on a secret mission to uncover something about Logopolis:
  Nyssa: You're so changed by it. You look younger, but... so cold.
  Linkara: [as The Master] Well, that's why my outfit is so scrunchy, Nyssa; it's velvet.
  • Infiltrating the Central Register, The Master kills the Logopolitans wheeling away some sonic projectors and steals them, using them on the Logopolitans working there so that they go quiet:
    Linkara: The Master's evil scheme? Noise-cancelling headphones. [beat] That's only barely a joke.
• The Monitor demands The Master turn off the machine, as silencing the Logopolitans is actually killing them, but he doesn't believe it:
  The Master: You exaggerate, Monitor. Logopolis is not the universe.
  The Monitor: But it is!
  Linkara: It's very dramatic until you realize that The Monitor is actually just really geocentrist about his planet.
  • Attempting to call his bluff, The Master turns off the machine... but is met by silence, proving that the Logopolitans are well and truly dead:
    Linkara: Man, these people woke up today thinking, "Oh boy, I can't wait to recite the quadratic equation!", and then ended up dying because they couldn't. Bummer.
• Linkara points out a moment where the soundtrack is at odds with what's happening onscreen, with a blaring rock track playing as The Doctor and his companions traverse a narrow alleyway:
  Linkara: Math may not save the universe, but rock and roll can, dammit!
• Now in a temporary alliance, The Doctor and The Master travel to the Pharos Project base on Earth in The Master's TARDIS in a last-ditch effort to keep the equations operational:
  The Master: The Pharos computer room.
  The Doctor: Yes. I envy you your TARDIS, Master.
  Linkara: [as The Doctor] Although, I don't envy the smell...
• Nyssa watches in horror as a cloud of entropy overtakes Traken, leaving her the last survivor of her people:
  Nyssa: And now the world that I grew up in... blotted out forever.
  Linkara: Meanwhile, the Time Lords are waking up after an all-night kegger from the party for Chancellor Borusa being elected President; they're pouring a cup of coffee, look out the window, see the entropy cloud, and go, "What the hell did we miss?!"
• The Master transmits a message to the universe stating his intention to close the gateway and allow the entropy to continue indefinitely unless the people accept him as their ruler:
  The Master: [over the speakers] Peoples of the universe, please attend carefully. The message that follows is vital to the future of you all.
  Linkara: I would have so much respect for him if he ended up just Rickrolling the entire universe instead.
  • After a struggle with The Master, The Doctor stops the pulse from being sent by removing some cables from the satellite, but loses his grip on the way back and falls to the ground:
    Linkara: Ah, just walk it off; that's what the Tenth Doctor did when he fell from that height.

684: Armageddon 2001 (Event Comics Month IV: Secret Metal Armageddon II)

• After this year's animated intro, Linkara asks the Patreon voters to choose events with consistent names next time so he doesn't have to keep creating awkward Word Salad subtitles for each Event Comics Month.
• Linkara goes over his criteria on what constitutes an event comic, mainly that 1) there must be a central miniseries advancing the main plot, and 2) it must have individual tie-in issues that contribute to the story:
  Linkara: Now, admittedly, those guidelines can be bent a bit; as I said the last time we did this, Heroes in Crisis just barely constitutes an event comic, since it only has two tie-ins... but tie-ins nevertheless. [beat] Although, it wouldn't surprise me if everyone else at DC looked at Heroes in Crisis and said, "No, we're not going anywhere near that crap."
• When Linkara mentions that some people want him to read all the tie-in issues to understand the story, he leans forward to the camera and lets out an almost-comically calm Little "No".
• The first issue's cover features various DC heroes about to face off against each other with Waverider floating above the proceedings, as the Big Bad of the event, Monarch, looms over them:
  Cover: Introducing: Waverider!
  Linkara: I'm sorry, but we already have a "wave rider" in the DC Universe. [plays a clip from Batman (1966) showing Batman and the Joker surfing]
  Cover: Ten years from now the world will survive. These heroes won't.
  Linkara: [as the cover] That's okay, though; we'll just bring them back in the next reboot.
• The story proper opens on cosmic imagery, with what appears to be streaks of light heading towards a nebula:
  Narrator: Thoughts. Takes so long for them to come together.
  Linkara: And unfortunately, when they do, they just make me think of impregnation with this image.
  Narrator: Eternities. But then... ...I have time.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] Honestly, I probably should have packed a book or something.
• The narrator flashes back to when he was a boy trapped under some rubble before being rescued by a superhero:
  Narrator: A strong hand stretches for mine. Is it flesh... or gloved... or something else entirely...?
  Linkara: [as the narrator] I did think it was weird that a superhero was using one of those toy robot grabby-hand things to rescue me, but still...
  • The narrator can't recall who exactly saved him; only that he was indeed saved by them:
    Boy: The building... The whole building fell! I thought nothing could help...!
    Batman (?): Sometimes it seems that way—
    Linkara: [as Batman] And then Batman shows up and continues to show how awesome he is! Haha! Alfred! Add it to the tally! That should put me five points above Clark... [chuckles] I feel like celebrating; let's go surfing!
    Firestorm (?): —which is why someone should be there to try.
    Linkara: [as Firestorm] Not me, though; I got, like, ten errands to run. See you, kid.
    Narrator: In my mind, they are giants. And whoever saved me that day... ...was one of them. Giants. They grew that way in my thoughts...
    Linkara: [as Rita Repulsa] Magic wand, make my Superman grow!
    • The narrator, however, notes that they weren't perfect, as illustrated by Superman and Batman punching each other into buildings:
      Narrator: They had their failings. They had their differences. I learned that.
      Linkara: [as the narrator] But they all came together when they learned that their moms had the same name.
• The narrator points out how the heroes always band together to take on a greater threat, in spite of the differences between them, with said greater threat apparently being a giant Darkseid; Linkara dissects the scene, leading to yet another series of rapid-fire jokes:
  Linkara: Okay, I haven't seen the Snyder Cut, but does Darkseid grow to kaiju size in that? Because that would get me to watch it!
  Linkara: I know that's supposed to be a belt around him, but with it painted the same as his skin, it makes Darkseid look like he's wearing a crop top and a Speedo.
  Linkara: [as Darkseid] Darkseid is... proud of the work he did with his sit-ups; check out these abs! Anti-Life justifies these gains.
  Linkara: My God, where is the couch that can satisfy him now?!
  Linkara: I am severely disappointed that at no point during this fight do the Justice League hop into a giant robot to fight him.
  Linkara: Wait, aren't the heroes giants, too? Did Darkseid make himself bigger just because he was jealous?
  Linkara: Everybody laughed when they said that Darkseid had a Gigantamax form, and yet, here we are.
  Linkara: You know, this problem could be solved in two seconds if Superman just flew fist-first into his junk at super-speed; of course, you could say that about a lot of superhero fights.
  Linkara: Darkseid heard all of those "What if Ant-Man expanded in Thanos' butt?" jokes and overcompensated a bit.
  Linkara: Dammit, we can't summon Godzilla to fight him; he's a Marvel character!
  Linkara: Oh, God, where does he pee?!
  Linkara: I guess the Ghostbusters were wrong; they do make Nikes in that size!
  Linkara: And finally...
  Linkara: Well, hey, now we've got to rename him from "Darkseid" to "On the Tall Seid"! [pauses, then frowns] Shut up; I'm funny.
• The narrator describes a day where all the heroes died:
  Narrator: In the end, it was not some cosmic menace, not some fabled villain.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] As with so many things, it was poor box office returns.
  Narrator: In the end, it was one of their own. What triggered it? Madness? Or cold calculation? Years of deception? One sudden dark urge?
  Linkara: Jeez, we were just doing shots in a bar, and then all this happened! Dude could just not hold his liquor...
  • Linkara points out a skeleton in the artwork impressively staying intact despite being wrapped around a rock:
    Linkara: Admittedly, though, that could just be D.E.O. Director Bones trying to do his best pole-dancing. [shrugs]
    • According to the narrator, the heroes died out in the year 2001:
      Linkara: It's going to turn out the hero killer was really Dave Bowman.
• We cut to the future, where Monarch has taken over the world and erected statues in his image; scientist Matthew Ryder spaces out looking at a statue, causing his co-worker Harris to tell him to get his mind back on work:
  Ryder: Harris— —you remember before they put up all the statues?
  Linkara: [as Harris] Yeah, but frankly, that hot dog vendor wasn't very good, anyway.
  • Ryder turns down an offer to hang out at the bar and heads down a deserted street plastered with posters advertising the future cops, the Peacemakers, and the requisite corporation Econo-Corps:
    Linkara: A subsidiary of ConHugeCo.
    Poster: Econo-Corps: Doing the world's business.
    Linkara: Unfortunately, they're doing it with bitcoin, so it's not going very well.
• Ryder goes inside a used disks store... which actually sells floppy disks instead of CDs or DVDs:
  Owner: Be closin' soon, mister. You lookin' for— —anything special?
  Linkara: Yeah, you wouldn't happen to have any more Optimus Prime brains in the back, would you?
  • Actually, he's looking for more "forbidden" material; not drugs or porn, but stuff about superheroes pre-2001:
    Owner: You're not my only customer with this sort'a — what would you call it — itch? And the harder they make it to scratch— —the more you feel like doin' it, huh, mister? Some of us remember better, don't we, mister? Even if they don't want us to. Even if they've made the name for it a dirty word. Heroes. Makes you sweat a little just hearin' it, huh?
    Linkara: Okay, I take it back; he kind of makes it sound like it is drugs or porn.
    • The owner has disks on a range of figures, like sports stars, record-breakers, and actors:
      Owner: One — God help 'im — politicians.
      Linkara: I don't think I've ever felt more pity for a fictional character than this unknown person who wants stuff about "heroic politicians".
• As Ryder looks over the photos contained in the disk and mourns the loss of the superhero community in 2001, his wife Janet fetches him for dinner:
  Janet: I don't see the appeal in spending so many hours with that computer. It's antique. Hopelessly outdated.
  Linkara: [as Ryder] Yeah, well, maybe when DOSBox runs my old games properly...
  • Said dinner goes about as poorly as one would expect:
    Ryder: [narrating] Four steadily diverging lives briefly meeting over dinner. Exchanging plans and goals. The conversation of strangers.
    Linkara: [as Ryder] That is the last time we invite some randos off the street in for dinner. Yeesh...
    • To elaborate, Ryder's son Alex wants the cushy corporate life while Ryder wants him to take more risks, while daughter Karen, a Peacemaker, espouses how they need to come down hard on people with "anti-social tendencies" before they cause trouble and demands more respect from him:
      Ryder: [narrating] 2030. My world. My time. [punches a picture frame] Family time.
      Linkara: [as Ryder] Hospital time, as I have now broken my hand.
• The next day, Harris tells Ryder that there's big pressure in the Quantum Physics Division for results on their latest experiment:
  Linkara: [as Ryder] Eh, I wouldn't worry; I hear they're making some weird breakthroughs out in Black Mesa. We'll see something interesting any day now.
  • Ryder spies some Peacemakers chasing after someone, with a little girl being caught in the potential crossfire; he dives in to save her while knocking back some of the Peacemakers, but is arrested by Karen for assaulting an officer, with Karen's rank and Janet's corporate standing reducing his punishment to a warning. Ryder is then shocked to discover that the person the Peacemakers were chasing was the owner of the disk shop he visited the day before, due to him being in possession of politically sensitive material:
    Karen: It justified a pre-emptive. If he was harmless, Dad, he shouldn't have run.
    Ryder: Like the little girl shouldn't have been in the way and I shouldn't have interfered! What's happened to you, Karen? What's happened to everyone?
    Karen: We're living our lives, Dad.
    Linkara: [as Karen] God, Dad, we're just shooting at otherwise innocent or nonviolent people in crowded areas; that's just life!
• Ryder volunteers to be the test subject for the time travel experiment, but is rejected:
  Scientist: —you'll also understand we couldn't possibly consider anyone with your record. Reckless tendencies... Unhealthy preoccupations...
  Linkara: [as Ryder] God, you run out of clean laundry and wear a clown suit to work one day, and suddenly, it's an "unhealthy preoccupation"!
• Monarch puts Ryder through a psychological test to see how strong his love for his family is, with Ryder being resolute in his desire to protect them in spite of the pain; interestingly, however, Ryder actually seems to hate his family, and what Monarch's world turned them into:
  Linkara: [as Ryder] They don't share my passion for old computers, Monarch! This is your fault!
  • Ryder passes the test, and is then sent into the timestream:
    Ryder: [narrating] 2030. Monarch's world. Monarch's time. My victory. And then I learn what I have won.
    George Gray: A new car! [cheering and screaming]
• The second issue's cover features Waverider and some other heroes being knocked back by a giant Monarch's energy blasts as he takes off his helmet, his face covered in shadow:
  Cover: AT LAST! The shocking identity of Monarch revealed!
  Linkara: Of course... GRANNY GOODNESS! [dramatic sting]
• The issue begins with Ryder, now operating as "Waverider", about to examine Captain Atom's possible future to see if he becomes Monarch:
  Captions: He knows that one of the twentieth century's great heroes will be the instrument of that cruelty, that oppression. And he believes he has narrowed the choices to one.
  Linkara: [as Waverider] I should have known... It was Superman!
  Linkara: [as Superman] You've tested me three times, and it wasn't me.
  Linkara: [as Waverider] A clever ruse, Man of Steel...
• As Waverider finishes seeing Captain Atom's future, Monarch suddenly teleports in, informing him that he was serving as a guinea pig for his time travel experiment the whole time (which he should have already known from the last issue); Monarch actually attempted to use the device himself, but was caught in the timestream, only freeing himself by tapping into Captain Atom's quantum field from his vision:
  Monarch: You planned to destroy my empire.
  Waverider: You know that?
  Monarch: I am not a fool. My peacekeepers are not fools.
  Linkara: [as Monarch] I just gave someone who hated me the power to travel back in time and murder me, and all my peacekeepers did was almost kill a little girl without regard for her life! We're the smart people!
  • The heroes attack Monarch, with only Superman able to land a hit on him:
    Superman: A moment ago, I pulled my punch. Don't make me hit you again.
    Linkara: [as Superman] "Over there" may need to take care of its own problems... but you're over here now, Monarch.
• Monarch escapes, teleporting to a campsite where Dawn Granger and her boyfriend are cooking breakfast; he subsequently murders Dawn's boyfriend, whereupon she transforms into Dove and begins to fight Monarch, but is knocked out and transported elsewhere:
  Dove: What did you do to me? Where am I?!
  Monarch: You are on a mountain in Asia.
  Mike Nelson: Ah. Well, that narrows it down.
• After bringing Hank Hall, a.k.a. Hawk, to the same mountain as Dove, Monarch enacts the next phase of his plan, stealing a number of objects from power plants and laboratories while also making sure to take a painting of Millard Fillmore from the National Portrait Gallery for some reason:
  Linkara: I mean, if he had stolen a portrait of Anton York, our greatest 45th President, I'd understand that, at least.
  • Back at the mountain, Hawk and Dove watch helplessly as Monarch constructs his neutron bomb to kill the heroes, while he remarks that Dove is the only thing keeping Hawk's rage in check; after finishing the device, Monarch proceeds to (presumably) kill Dove:
    Linkara: And then the Flash pops in to ask, "I wonder if Millard Fillmore could kill Dove...?"
    • Monarch loosens his control on Hawk, where he removes his helmet and beats him to death; there, Monarch's true identity is revealed to be... Hank Hall, who states his death is just how he remembered it — he murdered Dove and then himself. Hank then monologues to himself:
      Hank: Crazy? Not me! I've never been less crazy.
      Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
      Cyber-Leader: It is.
      Hank: It's the world that's bonkers. Screwed-up planet full of screwed-up people doing things that hurt each other... hurt themselves— And you know why? 'Cause nobody stops them. Till now, that is. [...] Dove always thought I was too chaotic. But I'll show her. I'll show everyone how much order I can bring to things.
      Jack Burton: Are you crazy? Is that your problem?
• Monarch sends a message to the heroes telling them to come to Metropolis for the final showdown, where he reveals his plan to activate the neutron bomb to kill them and that he knows their identities due to his future self leaving him computer files; Superman punches off his helmet, revealing that he is, in fact, Hank Hall:
  Hank: I was Hank Hall. I was Hawk. I AM Monarch. Bet you're pretty surprised by this turn of events, huh?
  Linkara: [as Hank, exasperatedly] Huh? Huh? You like it? You like this twist? You like the surprise of this? Isn't it surprising? [beat] Be impressed, dammit!
  • Captain Atom manages to stop the neutron bomb from killing the heroes by absorbing its energy, causing him and Monarch to vanish, but the resulting blast destroys the S.T.A.R. Labs building, leading to a boy named Matthew getting trapped under the rubble in the subway tunnels below; he is eventually saved by... his future self, Waverider:
    Linkara: ...And of course, Waverider touching his past self results in the Blinovitch Limitation Effect, and the resulting explosion of energy kills them all! The end! [beat] <sigh> Sorry; I just wish I was reviewing Doctor Who again instead of this.
• The post-credits stinger, featuring Captain Atom and a Triceratops:
  Captions: Then he hears a whisper of movement— —and is suddenly filled with awe and joy...
  Dr. Ian Malcolm: That is one big pile of shit.

685: Secret Invasion (Event Comics Month IV: Secret Metal Armageddon II)

• Linkara remarks how this event was likely chosen due to the then-upcoming MCU show:
  Linkara: [waving] Hello from the past, people rewatching this long after that came out! Hope the pandemic's over! [beat] Please let the pandemic be over!
• In the aftermath of Civil War (2006), the Avengers were split into two teams: the "official" Pro-Registration group led by Iron Man and an Anti-Registration "Secret Avengers" splinter group led by Luke Cage (since Captain America had been assassinated):
  Linkara: Spoilers: he never got better. Captain America remained dead, and Secret Empire never happened, and it was the only death in comics that was never undone. [beat] And if you believe that... Wow, you really are new here, aren't you?
• Linkara mentions that another colleague of his, The Last Angry Geek, already covered this event and gave it a more appropriate title:
  L.A.G.: [scoffs] "Secret Invasion"? More like "Damn Obvious Assault", am I right? Heh! Still got it! [as a car approaches, he holds up a sign reading "Will Review Comics For Food", shaking his fist as it drives past him]
• Linkara points out a minor continuity flub where Tony Stark shows the Elektra Skrull's body to Reed Richards and Hank Pym... despite him already showing it to the rest of the Illuminati:
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, in case you forgot World War Hulk, the Illuminati are a group of some of Marvel's most powerful or smartest heroes; given what a poor state the world is in the Marvel Universe, you can tell they're just as bad at running things as the Illuminati that's supposed to exist here.
• We cut to Dum Dum Dugan visiting S.W.O.R.D. Headquarters, which has just picked up an incoming threat:
  S.W.O.R.D. Agent: We got a bogie. And it's coming in fast!
  Linkara: Knowing Dum Dum Dugan's luck and history, it's probably going to be SpaceGodzilla.
• Back on Earth, Tony, Hank, and Reed begin their autopsy:
  Hank: Okay, Tony, what exactly are we looking for...?
  Linkara: [as Tony] Her nipples, to start with; I mean, I know they're a reptilian species, but if they've got boobs, they should have nipples, right?
• After Spider-Woman informs Luke Cage and the Secret Avengers about the Skrull ship crashing into the Savage Land, they steal a Quinjet to intercept it before Tony does:
  Spider-Man: Uh, just F.Y.I.... Tony Stark can take control of this Quinjet from his armor.
  Ronin: Not anymore. I just gutted the motherboard.
  Linkara: [as Ronin] Consequently, the Skrull ship is now not the only thing that's crashing!
• As the Skrull computer virus leads to, among other things, the sudden shutdown of prisons and release of superpowered convicts, Noh-Varr, a.k.a. the anti-hero Marvel Boy, decides to leave:
  Linkara: It's important I explain that to you, because Marvel Boy... is not important in this story, and we needed some padding to set up future story stuff.
• As the two Avengers teams discover the crashed ship contains a group of duplicate heroes, a massive fleet of Skrull ships makes its way to Earth:
  Linkara: Which instantly makes the title "Secret Invasion" now completely moot. We're now two-for-two on misleading event titles; do we have three next time?!
• The first issue ends with Hank revealing himself as a Skrull by shooting Reed with a gun that turns him into a stringy mess; he turns back into his normal Skrull form... which is apparently afflicted by Youngblood's disease, and has an awkward grimace:
  Linkara: [as the Hank Pym Skrull] Ewww! I didn't know the gun was going to do that to him! I have to clean him up and bring him to the others now, and he's everywhere!
• The heroes and their duplicates clash, which is momentarily interrupted by the arrival of a T. rex:
  Linkara: [aside] The funniest answer to all this is that only the T. rex is a Skrull.
• Ms. Marvel takes Iron Man to an abandoned laboratory to rebuild his technology to counter the Skrull virus; he orders her to fly back to New York, since this is only a distraction to get them out of the way while the real action is taking place elsewhere:
  Iron Man: I built my armor from a lot less than this. I'm going to do the one thing Skrulls can't imitate. Use my brain.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, it turns out this was a former entomology lab, so Tony is stuck trying to make new armor out of dung beetles.
• Deep in the jungle, Cage and Wolverine find Bobbi Morse, a.k.a. Mockingbird... who had previously died in the late 90's; Ronin catches up to them and tests her to confirm her identity:
  Ronin: Tell me something about October 12th.
  Linkara: [as Mockingbird] Uh... Oh! Linkara released his review of The Ring Vol. 1 really late into the month!
  Linkara: [as Ronin] That was October 16th!
  Linkara: [as Mockingbird] Wait! I mean, um... He released his review of... A Nightmare on Elm Street: Paranoid #3?
  Linkara: [as Ronin] Wrong! It was the second issue, not the third, Skrull!
• At Thunderbolts Mountain, the Thunderbolts themselves are attacked by the Captain Marvel Skrull; he hesitates to actually kill them, and is approached by the group's leader, Norman Osborn:
  Norman: My name's Norman Osborn, this is my office you trashed and my people you smacked around. Would you like to have a drink and talk about it?
  Linkara: [as Norman] Are you a clone? Because, boy, do I have some clone stories to tell you, bud...
• Black Widow arrives at the abandoned lab after Queen Veranke (in her Spider-Woman guise) attempts to convince Tony that he's a Skrull sleeper agent; she's naturally unconvinced, and boils down the situation thusly:
  Black Widow: Skrull or not. I'm asking, right now, do you want to kill me or kill them?
  Iron Man: Them.
  Black Widow: Let's go with that feeling then. And worry about the rest later.
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• At the downed S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, Maria Hill and her agents encounter the Edwin Jarvis Skrull and point their guns at him... only for them to point their guns at her, revealing themselves to be Skrulls as the Jarvis Skrull demands her surrender:
  Linkara: Welp... check in with you next month, Maria Hill; decompressed storytelling, and all that.
• In the fifth issue, Norman successfully convinces the Captain Marvel Skrull to protect the Earth by fighting the Skrulls, and organizes his own forces to join the fight:
  Norman: If anyone does anything out of character, shoot them on sight.
  Linkara: [as Norman] Like if they slept with blond-haired girlfriends of Spider-Man or something; that would be really weird and out of character.
• The Skrulls have hijacked all global transmissions, broadcasting images of world leaders, celebrities, and superheroes to inform the public that they have taken over and it is best to accept their leadership:
  Doctor Doom Skrull: The Empire has everything you could ever dream of and things you haven't even been able to imagine.
  Doomkara: Doom has a very big imagination, impostor! For instance, he is imagining the many things he will do to your pointy ears when he finds you for impersonating Doom!
  • Weirdly, among the people the Skrulls impersonate to spread their message is Eric Cartman from South Park:
    Linkara: Did the Skrulls transform into a cartoon character? [beat] Oh, my God; was that the first VTuber?!
• In the sixth issue, the Captain Marvel Skrull meets up with Marvel Boy and dies in his arms, telling him to stop the Skrulls at all costs and that humanity is worth saving:
  Linkara: Welp, enough of that; see you again when you show up in the final battle, being... inspiring and stuff, I guess. [shrugs]
• The Skrulls re-establish global communications and state that humanity should surrender to them, and they have not attacked any armies or governments:
  Linkara: [as a Skrull] We only hit those superhero groups! [beat] The ones that are all government-sanctioned! [beat] Including the quasi-military organizations designed to repel alien invasions! [beat] God, we're bad at this...
• The two Avengers groups, Nick Fury's Secret Warriors, the Young Avengers, and the Initiative, as well as Thor and Bucky Barnes as Captain America, meet with Queen Veranke and her army in Central Park, with Reed particularly incensed at the thought that they killed the other members of the Fantastic Four:
  Reed: You're not here to save us. It's all lies. You're here to punish us.
  Veranke: Well, you should have thought about that before you found it funny to turn our brothers into cows.
  Linkara: [as Reed] Okay, but in our defense, they were delicious.
  • Suddenly, the Thunderbolts arrive, but Iron Man demands they leave:
    Veranke: Your hate is your own. Your judgment is your own. We are here to save you. We are here to change you.
    Linkara: [as Veranke] Just ignore what I said a single page ago about being pissed at the cows thing.
    Veranke: And we're here because in spite of all that you've done to our empire... He loves you.
    Linkara: Best twist they could've pulled? Secret Invasion is actually a Bachelor-style reality show about dating a Skrull.
    Spider-Man: Uh... He who?
    Veranke: God.
    Fury: Yeah?
    Enrico Marini: Yeah.
    Fury: Well my god has a hammer!
    Linkara: [as Veranke] So, what you're saying is, you'll join my side if it turns out our god owns a tool belt?
• As the final battle rages on, Spider-Man states that things must be going relatively well since Uatu the Watcher hasn't shown up... only for Uatu to suddenly show up:
  Linkara: [as Uatu] I mean, why shouldn't I? These kinds of things are basically like the season finale for us.
• As predicted, Marvel Boy arrives and turns the tide of battle:
  Linkara: Thanks for that payoff! Three scenes in the entire main event comic, and the end result is... he comes down and blows up some stuff. [beat] I was going to play a little, uh, party noisemaker sarcastically, but I couldn't find it, so... I can't even muster up enough enthusiasm for that.
• On the ropes, Veranke unleashes her secret weapon, turning the Wasp into a biological weapon and bombarding the heroes with cosmic radiation due to giving her a compromised growth formula; thanks to Thor's efforts, the effect is contained, making the Wasp the only casualty:
  Linkara: And she was "dead" for a grand total of... [pulls up a digital pad and fiddles with it] three years! [beat] I've had chair mats that lasted longer than that.
• After Norman kills Veranke, the heroes take the fight to the Skrull fleet; they discover a prison ship containing the heroes the Skrulls replaced and free the occupants, which oddly includes a man who looks like Elvis Presley:
  Linkara: Unless it's actually Captain Marvel Jr.; in which case, that just raises a whole bunch of new questions.
• The post-credits stinger, as Norman meets with the Cabal (which includes Namor, Emma Frost, Doctor Doom, Loki, and the Hood):
  Norman: Thank you for meeting with me. Okay. It's a new day. So listen carefully... This is how it's going to be...
  Linkara: [as Norman] First of all, you're going to actually leave a chair for me to sit on.
  Linkara: [as Emma] We did; Doom is just sitting on two of them.
  Doomkara: Doom requires two chairs to hold his magnificence! It's like a little throne!

686: Civil War II (Event Comics Month IV: Secret Metal Armageddon II)

• Linkara remarks how the covers for the event improve on the use of empty space compared to its predecessor, with one-third devoted to text and the other two-thirds to artwork:
  Linkara: So if this trend continues, the covers should be good around Civil Wars... IV and V, I guess.
• Linkara explains that in the aftermath of Secret Wars (2015), Miles Morales was transplanted into the main Marvel Universe:
  Linkara: And pretty much no one else, because I guess they figured the main Marvel Universe didn’t really need so much cannibalism in it.
  • Also, a new super-team was formed, the Ultimates, which aims to "proactively stop disasters before they happen":
    Linkara: Oh boy, a fresh and original concept that totally works and has not been frequently critiqued and shown how idiotic it is, since 99% of the time, they're doing what any other superhero team does anyway!
    • The leader of the Ultimates, Captain Marvel, talks to Doc Samson about how the life of a superhero is so fraught with near-disasters that she just wants to prevent them from happening in the first place:
      Doc Samson: Sounds noble.
      Captain Marvel: It sounds like we're fighting the weather.
      Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] Suit up, Ultimates; there's a light drizzle coming!
• Linkara describes the Inhumans, who gain their powers after being exposed to a substance called the Terrigen Mist, which places their bodies in cocoons:
  Linkara: Go, Inhuman! Use Harden!
• The first issue begins with a newly-awakened Inhuman, Ulysses, running into a group of Inhumans led by Medusa:
  Medusa: We're the Inhumans.
  Triton: We can help you.
  Crystal: This is a good thing.
  Linkara: I don't know about you guys, but I'd be very suspicious of anyone who felt the need to tell me "This is a good thing.", because it comes across in kind of the same way that I would say it; you know, in that sarcastic way I'd say it following the statement "Civil War II had over 140 tie-ins." [beat] "This is a good thing."
• After Ulysses and his precognitive abilities are introduced to the other heroes, Jean Grey is brought in to examine him, who states she will form a mental bridge between Ulysses and the other people in the room to show how his visions work:
  Jean: ...but you won't show them everything. You won't show every weird thought you have in your head.
  Ulysses: I don't have any weird thoughts in my head.
  Jean: Everybody does. You should see what She-Hulk is thinking about right now.
  [plays a clip from The Simpsons showing Homer playing a funny animals cartoon in his brain]
  She-Hulk: Hey. Not cool.
  Linkara: Hahahaha! It's funny because she invades people's privacy.
• After Captain Marvel tries to recruit Ulysses for the Ultimates, Tony Stark explains why he thinks that isn't a good idea:
  Tony: Okay... Let's say the guy here comes running up to us and says: "Oh, my God, I just saw a vision of the Hulk making out with Ultron... ...and a baby popped out... ...and the baby was a reincarnated Hitler"?
  Linkara: You are standing in a room with a woman with prehensile hair, a psychic, a guy with bug powers, a woman who gained superpowers from an alien explosion, and you know a talking space raccoon; stop acting like that couldn't happen, Tony!
  Tony: But do we stop the Hulk before it happens? Do we lock him away before he does something we don't like?
  Linkara: Well, pardon me for not wanting to be judgmental of someone’s relationship preferences, Tony! [beat] And in addition, how do you even know that the reincarnated baby is Hitler? Does it have, like, a Hitler mustache right out of the gate? That could be a reincarnated Charlie Chaplin!
  • Tony ultimately concludes that they should be careful about what Ulysses says and what they do about it (even though his argument devolves into complete denialism later on):
    Ulysses: Wow. Tony Stark.
    Spider-Man: Yeah...
    Enrico Marini: Yeah.
    Spider-Man: ...it's exciting. Then you get over it.
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Then you remember that he's still insanely rich, so you still hang out with him so he'll cover the check.
• During a battle with Thanos foretold by Ulysses, She-Hulk is critically injured and War Machine is killed:
  Linkara: And James Rhodes stayed dead for... [pulls up a digital pad and fiddles with it] two years! Wow, even Wasp lasted longer!
  • Tony confronts Captain Marvel about Thanos, saying that they knew where he would be and that he attacked to retrieve a Cosmic Cube on Earth:
    Linkara: I mean, it could have been on Earth; after all, THE COSMIC CUBE CAN DO ANYTHING.
• After Ulysses' latest vision leads to Bruce Banner's death at Hawkeye's hands, Tony learns how Ulysses' visions work and vents to an as-yet unseen character:
  Tony: Time is a construct. Time is a concept. Time might be an organism that lives and breathes around us.
  Linkara: "Time is little tweeting bird chirping in meadow. Time is a wreath of pretty flowers... that smell bad." [beat] God, I wish I was watching Star Trek right now instead... [snaps] Ooh! Even better reference here: "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so."
  • Tony explains that Ulysses subconsciously absorbs information and energy and puts it back out as visions for a theoretical future:
    Tony: He's not seeing the future. Because it is not there. He's creating an algorithm of a possible future.
    Linkara: Which is probably the most out-of-character thing for Tony Stark. He's the billionaire CEO of a tech company; he should love algorithms.
• While the heroes escalate their conflict, Ulysses experiences his powers evolving and, after his latest vision, begs for Iron Man and Captain Marvel to stop fighting, or else the world will end:
  Linkara: Of all the reasons for the apocalypse, "Captain Marvel and Iron Man being mad at each other over someone who can see a probable future" is definitely one of the lamest ones.
• Meanwhile, Miles Morales and Captain America confront each other on Capitol Hill over Ulysses' vision of Miles killing Cap; Captain Marvel arrives to further reduce the tension:
  Captain Marvel: It would be so nice if you started to figure out that I have the best intentions... for all of us. Cap, tell him I'm not Satan.
  Captain America: She's not Satan.
  Linkara: [as Captain America] As far as I know, she hasn't made any deals for anyone's marriages.
• As Ulysses unleashes one last series of visions during the final battle foreshadowing future event comics, Eternity arrives and tells him that he has shown all he can to Earth and it's time for him to join other cosmic beings, and Ulysses agrees:
  Linkara: So basically, what this ending boils down to is...
  "Poochie": I have to go now. My planet needs me. [a slide whistle plays as the page scrolls upwards]
  Title Card: ULYSSES DIED ON THE WAY TO HIS HOME DIMENSION.
• The post-credits stinger:
  The President: [to Captain Marvel] You want to do your job as best you can? Well, my piggy bank is open and I want you to go forward and win... ...big. Don't blow this off. What can I do for you?
  Linkara: [as the President] For instance, I have an extensive collection of Avengers pictures behind me for no reason; want one of those?

687: Dark Nights: Metal (Event Comics Month IV: Secret Metal Armageddon II)

• Linkara mentions how the sequel to this event, Dark Nights: Death Metal, almost got as many votes as this one:
  Linkara: And how weird would it be if people had me cover the sequel to a book before the first? A— [the covers to The Dark Knight Strikes Again and Captain America: Return of the Asthma Monster! are shown] Yeah... Well... Stop pointing out my own hypocrisy, dammit!
• The story begins 50,000 years ago, as a lizard skips across the desert:
  Narrator: Lost to history is a story.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] However, it was another live-action remake of a Disney animated film, so nobody cared.
  Narrator: A story about how, in these lands, during the Age of Stone, there were three great tribes of man. Tribe of the Wolf, of the Bear and of the Bird.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] Gerrymandering to support one tribe over another, though, was still pretty common.
  Narrator: All were nomadic, and shared a grand dream — a dream of discovery.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] That dream was shattered when they actually watched it, and they just hoped that Strange New Worlds would be better.
  Narrator: But soon, a fourth tribe rose.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] A Tribe Called Quest.
  Narrator: A dark tribe, unlike the others... ...one of twisted dreams — dreams turned inside out. And with its terrible rise, so began The Age... ...of Metal.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] And soon, so did come nu metal, and there was much debate about what nu metal actually was and what bands qualified for it.
• We next cut to the Justice League being forced to fight in an arena by the alien warlord Mongul, and are set upon by robots built under duress by the Hiro Okamura version of Toyman; however, Okamura included a way for the League to climb inside the robots and combine them into a larger form à la Voltron or the Megazord:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Ha! It worked! Alfred! Call Billy from the Power Rangers and tell them I was totally able to do it!
  Linkara: [as Alfred] Were you able to create the flying Volkswagen Beetle as well, sir?
  Linkara: [as Batman, pausing briefly] Yes, yes! I-I was totally able to make that work! It's just, uh... It's in the shop right now. [beat] Alfred, have it ready for me when I get back to the cave...
  • Of course, questions about certain members' placement soon arise:
    Flash: [over comms] Wait, why do I have to be the foot?
    Linkara: I mean, you got it better than Green Lantern, who ended up being the crotch.
• Following the League's victory, Alfred contacts Batman to let him know that a giant mountain has appeared in the middle of Gotham City, with the city itself seeming to expand to accomodate for it:
  Linkara: Oh, don't worry, guys; it was just the Dividing Driver from GaoGaiGar. No worries. [beat] Although, there should probably be some seizure warnings.
  • Green Lantern detects energy coming off the mountain:
    Green Lantern: It's like what I felt from your machine in the cave.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Hal, that was my coffee maker.
• The League discovers that the cave houses a lab belonging to the Challengers of the Unknown, containing an unconscious Red Tornado android, anachronistic technology, unquantifiable energy, a cryogenic chamber with several people already inside... and a message scrawled in blood:
  Message: It's chasing us. RUN.
  Linkara: Well, now, how the hell are we supposed to follow that advice when you're not even running, guys?! You literally went to sleep instead!
  • Suddenly, the special forces unit the Blackhawks arrive, demanding the group step away from the chamber:
    Batman: She's called Lady Blackhawk. She runs the Blackhawks, some kind of damn covert anti-apocalyptic team. They've been watching me, I've been watching them. Learning their secrets.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Now I, too, know the eleven herbs and spices of Blackhawk chicken.
• Lady Blackhawk, a.k.a. Kendra Saunders, brings the League to Blackhawk Island to share intel:
  Kendra: There are places on this planet that lie outside of the normal math of things. Some exist at what we believe are phantom frequencies. Spots where cosmic energy conducted through the Earth's metal core cancels itself out, creates a kind of "static" that disrupts space-time, a hidden pocket. Some are magic-induced, some are naturally occurring. Dinosaur Island. Themyscira. Skartaris. Nanda Parbat.
  Linkara: Cleveland.
  • Kendra introduces the League to Nth Metal, which Carter Hall, a.k.a. Hawkman, and the Challengers of the Unknown traveled the Multiverse to find the source of:
    Kendra: This is a map of what we believe to be our Multiverse.
    Linkara: [as Kendra] As you can see, we are here, and we're going to install an Orange Julius on Earth-39...
    • However, Nth Metal can't be traced to any known universe, and Kendra suggests a possible location by flipping the map over and pointing to the black on the opposite side:
      Kendra: A Dark Multiverse.
      Linkara: [as Kendra] We were going to call it "the Upside Down", but then Stranger Things trademarked it first.
• Linkara attempts to explain the overly elaborate lore about the Multiverse during the post-New 52 era — from when the Anti-Monitor's backstory was revised in the New 52 to be tied more into the New Gods, to the revelations from the comic's overarching storyline about him, the original Monitor, their sibling World Forger and their mother Perpetua — quickly spiraling down to a Rage Breaking Point:
  Linkara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JUST HAVING SOME ASSHOLE FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE WHO WANTED TO KILL US ALL??!!! HOW IS THIS AN IMPROVEMENT OVER THAT?!!! IT'S JUST LORE!!! LONG, OVERCOMPLICATED, TEDIOUS LORE!!!
• Carter's attempt to travel to the Dark Multiverse went horribly wrong, with Challengers Mountain vanishing and a dire transmission from the Challengers themselves:
  Kendra: The last transmissions we got from them were screams. Screams about whole worlds of nightmare, of evil. Pleas to shut the door, and never open it again.
  Linkara: [as Kendra] In fact, I think we've got a copy of that transmission. Hey, Janet, can you play that back for us? [plays a clip from The Good Place showing screams of torment ringing out as Eleanor Shellstrop tries to eat some frozen yogurt]
  • Also, Red Tornado sent a warning that there exists something in the Dark Multiverse that could destroy everything:
    Kendra: I've found many names for it in history. A dark-horned god of nightmare. Of cursed stories. I see it hidden in other deities. Set. Lord of the Rabisu. All prayed to through metals by the Dark Tribe, enemy of the Birds.
    Linkara: Of course... The Tribe of Coat Hangers! [plays a clip from Birdemic: Shock and Terror showing the protagonists fighting off the birds with coat hangers]
• In order for this evil god, Barbatos, to travel to our universe, a ritual must be performed involving a human gateway and five divine metals that don't exist on the periodic table; according to a study of the ancient scrolls about Barbatos, the person who will open the portal... has the name "Wayne", which means Batman will be the one to let him in:
  Superman: Hang on. Your theory is that a being as old as the universe has been targeting Batman for thousands of years from a Dark Multiverse.
  Linkara: I honestly can't pick which of my frequently used reference clips to use here for something so ludicrously silly, so... Screw it; I'm just going to play them all. [snaps, then plays his "Don't you know anything about science?", "Is this the human condition of 'madness'?", "There is logic in what he says", and "His brain...?" clips at the same time]
  • Superman tries to clear things up with Batman:
    Superman: [sotto voce] Please tell me this isn't what you've been investigating.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Okay, yes, but in my defense, I'm pretty sure Barbatos is One-Face.
    • As the Blackhawks try to take Batman into custody to prevent the ritual from occurring, Red Tornado suddenly reactivates and attacks, and Batman escapes with Kendra's sliver of Nth Metal by riding a dinosaur:
      Linkara: How weird is it that this is how we can connect this event to Secret Invasion?
• In issue 2, the League enlists the help of the larger superhero community to search for Batman, all while multiple Bat-symbols light up in hidden metal caches across the planet:
  Linkara: This is the downside to having so much brand recognition.
  • To keep the League off his trail, Batman enlists the other members of his "family" to dress like him:
    Linkara: Batman's become so popular and has so many books about him in the universe that he needs to franchise himself out.
    • Wonder Woman catches up to Batman's son Damian, who's driving a battle wagon through the Amazon rainforest:
      Wonder Woman: Pull over now, Robin! There's no winning here!
      Robin: Listen, lady, I am thirteen years old and driving a Bat-Hog through the Amazon on a Tuesday morning... ...I am already winning!
      Linkara: [as Robin] Now, if this had been Wednesday, you might've had a point.
• Batman (actually Clayface in disguise) reveals to Superman that he's been exposed to several metals over the past few years, including Electrum, Dionysium, Promethium, and Nth Metal, and only one metal remains before he becomes a "cosmic counterweight", getting transported to the Dark Multiverse while Barbatos comes to his universe:
  "Batman": With whatever nightmares of mine he's pulled from the dark!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Probably that one nightmare where I have to give a speech naked... and it's filmed on VHS instead of Beta!
• Batman travels to the tomb of Prince Khufu, the original incarnation of Carter Hall, to find the last metal, with Dream tagging along:
  Batman: I can feel you there, Dream. Please. Tell me my plan is the right one.
  Dream: I cannot speak to your plan, Batman. I've done what I can for you in this realm. If the nightmare army succeeds, if the world goes dark, call to me in the place of the black sun. I wish you luck...
  Linkara: And... then he's gone.
  Dr. Rumack: [as the plane rapidly loses altitude] I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
  • Unfortunately, Batman was actually lured to the tomb of Hath-Set, and is captured by a splinter faction of the Court of Owls, who expose Batman to the final metal — Batmanium — to open the gateway for Barbatos to arrive; the splinter group beseech Barbatos to grant them power, but corrupted versions of Robin emerge and feast on them:
    Linkara: Waaaait a second; are you saying that the evil dark god of evil who springs forth from nightmares might be... UNTRUSTWORTHY?! [dramatic sting]
    • Speaking of Batmanium, Linkara takes a moment to discuss how it was set up earlier in the pages of Batman... which, as he points out, was around the time Jim Gordon was running around in a robotic Batsuit:
      Linkara: Did I ever mention that comic books are weird?!
• Superman and Wonder Woman, who arrived too late to stop the ritual, can do nothing but watch as Barbatos makes his grand entrance:
  Superman: My God...
  Wonder Woman: Bruce... Where is he?
  Barbatos: YOU WANT BRUCE WAYNE? LOOK AROUND.
  Narrator: Look around you.
• The third issue begins with Bruce seemingly hanging out with Clark, Lois, and Diana in Smallville as Damian and Clark's son Jon play a metal version of the 60's Batman theme song, but suddenly a claw lunges forth from Bruce's body and grabs Clark:
  Linkara: [as Batman] I KNEW IT! I knew this was a nightmare! How else could I be happy about my son playing rock and roll?!
• After Superman is freed from the nightmare, he flies to confront Barbatos, but is knocked down to Crime Alley, where he comes face-to-face with the Dark Knights, led by the Batman Who Laughs; Superman tries to convince the group that if they're all Bruce Wayne, then there's still good in them:
  Batman Who Laughs: Clark. That's exactly what you said to me on my world... ...right before I killed you and your whole family.
  Linkara: [as the Batman Who Laughs] You said it afterwards, too; I think you might have been an idiot in my universe.
  • The Batman Who Laughs continues:
    Batman Who Laughs: The thing is, each of us had killed you — all of you — on our worlds. We cross the lines he's scared to. Which actually begs the questions... Are we really his fears? Or are we his desires? Food for thought.
    Linkara: Not really; I somehow doubt Bruce has a big desire to have a bunch of insane feral children dress up like Robins, put them in chains, and have them rip people to shreds. [beat] Maybe ASBAR Batman.
• After the surviving heroes formulate a plan to retrieve Nth Metal and find Batman, Superman, Steel, and the Flash are transported to the Fortress of Solitude due to it containing a dimensional tuning fork from Crisis on Infinite Earths; Superman hopes to use the tower in conjunction with the Phantom Zone to travel to the Dark Multiverse and rescue Batman:
  Superman: If we open a portal with the Phantom Zone Projector while we super-charge the antenna with the Speed Force, Steel's connection to Nth Metal might create an energy link to the Dark Multiverse...
  Data: Using multimodal reflection sorting...
• The next issue begins with narration from Dream:
  Dream: [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a library full of stories that would never be told.
  Linkara: [as Dream] So many Smokey and the Bandit sequels...
  Dream: [narrating] Impossible stories destined only to happen in dream, or in nightmare.
  Linkara: [as Dream] So many stories with "Amityville" slapped onto the title that had nothing to do with The Amityville Horror...
  Dream: [narrating] Should any of these stories be spoken, let alone actually occur... ...the whole library will burn...
  Linkara: [as Dream] But that's okay, because we have insurance.
  Dream: [narrating] ...and the world will likely burn with it.
  Linkara: So climate change is because of a library burning?! This is why we need more library funding, people!
• On Thanagar, Green Lantern and Mister Terrific, along with the egg containing Plastic Man, are brought to see their leader, Onimar Synn:
  Green Lantern: It feels like part of a story I'm not supposed to understand.
  Linkara: Yeah, that's a common feeling to have with this comic, Hal.
• Back in the Dark Multiverse, Batman and Superman have just been rescued by Dream:
  Batman: Do you realize how long I've been trapped here? You did nothing to stop any of this from happening! Why help now?
  Linkara: He's got a point; if this situation is bad enough that one of the Endless is involved at all, it feels like he should've done something more than act as a taxi service.
  • Dream takes them to Lucien's Library in the Dreaming, where he explains Barbatos is causing the "stories that should never be told" to become reality, which has caused the library itself to start burning:
    Dream: Should this continue, all of the Dreaming will be consumed, and with it, all stories, forever.
    Linkara: Ohh, I see... [beat] Actually, no I don't; let's ignore this and move on.
• Superman and Batman travel to the Forge of Worlds in the Dark Multiverse, but find it has already been corrupted by Barbatos; Batman remarks how Carter Hall wrote that the forge was a place of creating and beginnings, but the two suddenly find themselves confronted by the forge's new keeper... Carter Hall, transformed into a gigantic hawk monster:
  Carter: I am Carter Hall, Dragon of Barbatos, Keeper of the Dark Forge. And there are only endings here.
  Dave Nelson: Well... This is bad news.
• In Gotham City, Barbatos laments how, with Superman having escaped the battery, the Earth is no longer sinking into the Dark Multiverse; the Batman Who Laughs tries to assuage his fears:
  Batman Who Laughs: But your voice... It's the dark chord that will shake the strings of the Multiverse! Anti-music to bring the hordes of the dark here!
  Linkara: [as the Batman Who Laughs] Begin the Maroon 5 playlist!
  • Barbatos' music reaches into the Dark Multiverse, causing Superman to be filled with despair; as Carter attacks him and Batman, illusions appear to mess with their minds, such as Batman's villains taunting him:
    "Penguin": Bats! The bad news <waugh> is Harvey here sawed your kids in half.
    Batman: No! No, I won't fall for it this time!
    Linkara: [as Batman] You keep playing that joke on me, Penguin; it's not funny anymore!
    "Two-Face": The good news — you have twice as many now.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Well, it's a good thing that I'm rich and can afford that!
• Back on Earth, Aquaman and Deathstroke take a passageway that's actually a portal to the Earth's core:
  Linkara: And the two aren't immediately crushed into powder by the enormous pressure at this level because... this is a fish-man and an assassin with super soldier juice running through him. [beat] Obvious, really.
  • They discover ancient technology that's a mixture of Atlantean and some other force:
    Deathstroke: Look, I can sense Nth Metal in that orb. Can you operate this thing?
    Linkara: [as Deathstroke] Also, I can sense Nth Metal now, because shut up.
• Wonder Woman manages to hold her own against Black Adam and a transformed Kendra using Hawkman's mace, but gets blindsided by the Batman Who Laughs firing a gun filled with Eighth Metal bullets:
  Batman Who Laughs: Hello, Diana... How are you? Me, I've done a lot of traveling lately. Had the pleasure of visiting many, many worlds, and killing them.
  Linkara: [as the Batman Who Laughs] Admittedly, it kind of makes the frequent-flyer miles pointless, but still...
  • Wonder Woman escapes, however, by freeing Kendra from Barbatos' control with the Lasso of Truth; together, they leap into the Multiverse's core to travel to the Dark Multiverse... only to find themselves against an army of Dark Multiverse variants of the heroes, Wonder Woman included:
    Wonder Woman: Do something for me.
    Kendra: ...What?
    Wonder Woman: Yell.
    Kendra: Yell?
    Linkara: [as Wonder Woman] Yeah, my throat's kind of sore from the battle, so I need someone else to scream in terror for me.
    Wonder Woman: As we do this, yell so loud, Barbatos and that laughing Batman's ears burst. So loud, they understand... It's not a scream. It's never a scream!
    Kendra: What is it then, Diana?
    Wonder Woman: It's a WAR CRY!
    Linkara: It's times like this that I wish I could use more copyrighted music like in past Event Comics Months; if any moment called for "Sacred Worlds", it's this.
    • After teleporting the other heroes to their location and utilizing Plastic Man's power, Wonder Woman and Kendra head deeper into the Dark Multiverse; Kendra tells Wonder Woman she's the only one who can rescue Superman and Batman because she shows people the truth — namely that they are loved and worth it:
      Kendra: From the beginning, Barbatos has separated us, made us feel alone, hopeless. But you call the formations. You never gave up on Superman, Batman, Carter... or me. You bind us.
      Linkara: Pants to be brightened.
• The Forge of Worlds is reignited thanks to the efforts of our heroes, but Barbatos is unconcerned:
  Barbatos: WE ARE IN MY REALM WHERE ALL ENDS IN DARKNESS! I WILL CREATE WORLDS TO TORTURE THEM FOR ETERNITY! WHO IS TRULY FOOLISH ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEY CAN WIN DOWN HERE IN THE DARKNESS?!
  Linkara: I don't know; smart guy with a flashlight?
  • The answer arrives in the form of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, all decked out in Tenth Metal armor:
    Linkara: Also, little-known fact about metal: it cures old.
    • Batman commandeers one of the Joker Dragons and rides out to Green Lantern and Aquaman to give them their own sets of Tenth Metal armor:
      Carter Hall's Journal: They say the eighth metal is the stuff of gods. The ninth uses dark energy to give its carrier powers that defy physics. But the tenth... ...also called Element X, is metal of the so-called Forge itself. The metal of pure possibility. They say whoever wields it... "let his first words be recorded forever in the halls of kings."
      Linkara: [as Batman] I'M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PAAAAADS!!
      Carter Hall's Journal: For his metal can take the shape of whatever is needed.
      Linkara: [as Batman] Now, Tenth Metal, in the form of... Anti-Barbatos Bat-Spray!
• As the tide turns against Barbatos, he contacts the Batman Who Laughs to enact their backup plan, which involves... the Monitor:
  Linkara: Oh, okay; it's just the original Monitor. [after looking away, then slowly turning back towards the camera in barely disguised rage, as multiple filters are applied over the image of the Monitor] WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--?! [a title card with Linkara in a straitjacket pops up reading "We'll be right back after these technical difficulties."]
  Batman Who Laughs: I know it's a lot for you. After all, you've only just started to re-form after the last multiversal crisis.
  Linkara: HOW DO THEY EVEN REMEMBER WHO THE MONITOR IS?! AND WHY ARE THEY CALLING HIM THE OVER-MONITOR INSTEAD OF JUST THE MONITOR?! AND WHAT ABOUT THE 52 OTHER ONES?! HOW DID HE ONLY JUST START TO RE-FORM?! HE CAN RE-FORM?! SINCE WHEN?! THE ANTI-MONITOR CAME BACK TO LIFE TWICE SINCE THE ORIGINAL CRISIS! WHERE THE HELL HAS HE BEEN?!
  Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
  • Batman appears to confront the Batman Who Laughs, with wherever they are causing his Tenth Metal armor to be nullified:
    Batman Who Laughs: Take a good look, Bruce! <unh> What do you see? You've never fought someone with all your training. All your discipline. See it yet? [...] I'm not him in a Batsuit. I'm you.
    Linkara: "The Batman Who Won't Shut the Hell Up" is a better name for this guy, frankly.
    • Just as the Batman Who Laughs prepares to shoot, Batman reveals his ace in the hole — the Joker:
      Joker: Ha! The Batman Who Talks is more like it.
      Linkara: See? Even he agrees with me!
• After defeating Barbatos and the Dark Knights, the Justice League use the Tenth Metal armor to reach out to the people of Earth and pull the planet back into the proper universe:
  Carter Hall's Journal: They reached out with a message of fortitude and solidarity, but above all, of bravery. Of daring. And in reaching out, they ignited a spark.
  Linkara: [as Carter Hall] Unfortunately, the Batman Who Laughs left a lot of gasoline around, so...
• In the epilogue, Bruce holds a party at his mansion, complete with Jon and Damian rocking out:
  Linkara: [as Batman] My God! THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES REALITYYY! [the ending theme to Nightmare City plays as text reading "The Nightmare Becomes Reality..." rises]

Episode DCLXXXVIII: The Star Wars #7

• The issue begins with Luke and Han preparing to leave Owen's outpost on special hovercrafts he provided for them:
  Luke: Remember what I said, Threepio.
  Linkara: [as Luke] There are just as many good generic waxing agents as there are the name-brand stuff.
  • Threepio is being left in charge of Biggs and Windy as Luke and Han search for Leia and Annikin:
    Linkara: Good call; I can't think of anyone better equipped to defend children from the ruthless Empire than the walking, talking Google Translate.
    • Owen assures the group that Imperial patrols don't come out this far, so the kids should be safe:
      Luke: Lars, your kindness will surely be rewarded.
      Linkara: Yeah, I definitely can't see anything bad happening to Owen, and— [shows Owen and Beru's charred corpses] O-Oh. Oh... [beat] Uh... I-I'm pretty sure this was an unrelated accident! This is why you don't boil blue milk!
• While the Wookiees are celebrating at their camp, Artwo and Annikin decide to sneak out, only to run into another Wookiee with considerably wide eyes:
  Artwo: Oh no! The fiercest Wookiee!
  Linkara: Right, sure. The face of fierce, everyone. Points to the comic for somehow conveying a terrible, bug-eyed, unconvincing alien mask that probably would've been in the film if the budget had been lower. This is what happens when you can't hire The Jim Henson Company for your creature effects... or what happens when you do get them, but they've been making just Muppets for too long.
  Mike Nelson: [singing] It's time to face your maker on The Muppet Show tonight!
  • Annikin wants to leave, but the Wookiee doesn't budge:
    Artwo: I think he wants to be your friend.
    Annikin: [to the Wookiee] I am grateful to you and your people, but I must go.
    Linkara: [as Annikin] Facebook is just a cesspool of misinformation and bigotry these days, and I don't want any more friends there.
• With the Wookiee tagging along, Annikin and Artwo manage to meet up with Han and Luke after they find the bodies of the bounty hunters Annikin killed earlier:
  Han: You were followed.
  Annikin: I know. He wouldn't stay. He's one of the ones I saved, but I can't understand a word he says.
  Linkara: [as Annikin] He just keeps talking about NFTs, and my mind spaces out.
  • Thankfully, Han is able to translate the Wookiee language:
    Han: He is Chewbacca, son of Auzituck, Prince of the Sawas — a very powerful Wookiee tribe. It seems they've made Starkiller a god.
    Linkara: [as Han] Don't be too excited by that; specifically, you're the god of string beans. They're trying to fill out some empty slots in their pantheon.
• After Luke, Han, and Annikin locate the Imperial outpost and discuss how to organize the Wookiees into a more effective fighting force, they contact the kids to check in on them, with Biggs picking up:
  Biggs: Great, General! I caught a thumper — a big one!
  Duncan Idaho: Again, it is the legend.
  • As soon as the transmission ends, a squad of stormtroopers barges in; the thumper tries to defend Biggs, but ends up getting sliced in half:
    Linkara: If this had been the movie, the sequel would've basically been this kid going John Wick on the Empire over this.
• Luke has the Wookiees act as a distraction by luring the Imperial tanks into the forest to be crushed by rocks, since because these skirmishes happen all the time, the Imperials don't use any advanced detection systems; however, Linkara can't help but notice how the name of this particular species is spelled (even though it has always been spelled this way, as he acknowledges in the comments):
  Linkara: Side note, though: the spelling of "Wookiees" includes an extra "E" in there for some reason... so maybe I should be pronouncing it "Wookiee-ess". I thought having three "Y's" in "Kashyyyk" was excessive. BECAUSE POOR LITERACY... IS A WAY TO MAKE SCI-FI NAMES.
• Linkara notes how one of the inspirations for Star Wars was the Vietnam War, where a less technologically advanced force living in a jungle managed to fight off an advanced military system invading it; the battle in this issue serves as the basis for the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi, with the Wookiees replaced by the diminutive Ewoks, somewhat harming believability. Linkara also points out that the intended effect is better captured in the comic, but is slightly undermined in that they needed another technologically advanced military person, Luke, to strategize for the Wookiees:
  Linkara: Although, I think the bigger issue is that I don't see these guys singing "Yub Nub", so what's even the point?
• After capturing the Imperial outpost with the Wookiees' assistance, complete with a squadron of Y-wing lookalikes called "skyraiders", Annikin prepares to go to Aquilae to rescue Leia:
  Luke: I'm not going to stop you, Annikin, but it's a reckless move.
  Linkara: [as Luke] You wouldn't see me jumping into a fighter to go on some half-baked rescue mission of my friends.
  • Luke plans to use the skyraiders to attack the Space Fortress... with the Wookiees as the pilots:
    Linkara: So I guess we've had it all wrong; this is actually an early draft of Battlefield Earth!
    • To make the rescue easier, Annikin flies out wearing an Imperial pilot disguise:
      Annikin: We'll bring Leia back even if we must sacrifice ourselves like the noble Whitsun.
      Linkara: I doubt that'll be necessary; you had a lot more character development than he did.
• Aboard the Space Fortress, Leia is restrained as Darth Vader speaks to her:
  Vader: I pray you have been treated honorably, Princess Leia? I am your servant, Darth Vader.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Oh, good; my waiter's finally here. Look, I appreciate the yoga machine, but I am dying for some pasta here.
• Owen, Beru, and the kids are rescued by the Wookiees, who get Threepio up to speed:
  Threepio: Apparently, he and his friends are rescuing us. The Skywalker is teaching them how to fly like birds, and the Starkiller god is attacking a moon — to rescue a princess!
  Linkara: [as Threepio] Oh, Maker, and the worst part is that the prom's tomorrow!
• Annikin and Artwo arrive at the Space Fortress and make their way to the detention area, with Annikin being escorted by a stormtrooper to get into the deeper levels:
  Stormtrooper: The Mathusians just beat the PDR's again. They should be in another league.
  Annikin: They should be in another system.
  Linkara: Is it weird that we've seen a lot of different aspects of cultures and places and ideas in Star Wars, but none of the movies have ever shown us space football?
• The issue ends with the Wookiees painting tribal designs on the skyraiders as they prep for battle:
  Linkara: Although, hilariously, to them, this is just the equivalent of drawing dicks on something.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Han: Now we'll see if your plan works!
  Luke: It has to — or it's death for the princess, Annikin — and freedom!
  Linkara: [as Luke] Oh, and death for the Wookiees who are piloting these things, but they don't really count as much.

689: PATREON: Sonic the Hedgehog: Tangle & Whisper #1-4

• Linkara starts by pointing out a peculiar detail regarding character names in the Sonic franchise:
  Linkara: You ever notice that, like, half the characters in this universe don’t have regular names? That, like, some parents decided, "We're naming our child after a part of a hand!", or, "We're naming them after the color of their fur!"? Not judging or anything; just weird that alongside names like "Amy" or "Sally", we also have "Pinky-Toe the Ocelot", "Clavicle the Red-Tailed Hawk", or "Yellowish-Green the Penguin".
• The story begins in Spiral Hill Village with Tangle the Lemur leaping excitedly in the air:
  Tangle: C'mon everyone! It's a gorgeous day! Race ya around the village! Anyone! Everyone!
  Linkara: Tangle would soon join the cast of The Fast and the Furious.
  • Tangle's friend Jewel tries to warn her about watching where she's going, but ignores her... only to crash into a hot dog stand:
    Tangle: Heya, Ron. A couple of chilidogs to go...?
    Linkara: Gotta go fast! ...right into someone's livelihood.
• After Tangle talks with Jewel about going on an adventure, they hear a noise outside and investigate... to find Sonic being attacked by Whisper the Wolf:
  Raccoon: Hey, isn't that—?
  Bird: That looks like—!
  Sonic: Yep! Your one and only hero!
  Linkara: Holy crap, it's Gex! I'm such a huge fan!
  • In an effort to keep from being sniped, Sonic cozies up to a civilian:
    Sonic: Hey there. Sonic T. Hedgehog. How ya doin'?
    Civilian: Oh, wow! It's an honor!
    Linkara: [as the civilian] Can you introduce me to Kirby? I know you guys hang out in Smash!
• After Tangle foils her attack, Whisper reveals that the Sonic she was targeting wasn't actually Sonic, as shown in a video recording:
  "Sonic": Ha! You're a hard lady to track down.
  Linkara: [as "Sonic"] Anyway, here's a subpoena.
  Whisper: Was looking for you, too. Trouble. You're being targeted.
  "Sonic": Yeah?
  Enrico Marini: Yeah.
  "Sonic": So are you. He found out one of the Diamond Cutters is still alive...
  Linkara: ...And Sonic's eyes turn black, he pulls out a fricking knife, and he's got stitches or wrinkles around his mouth.
  "Sonic": ...and he won't let me leave a job unfinished!
  Linkara: OH, MY GOD! SONIC.EXE IS CANON!
  • After she and Tangle retreat to the museum, Whisper explains that she's after a shapeshifting mercenary named Mimic, who betrayed and wiped out his team by allying with Eggman; he's recently taken the form of Sonic and is causing trouble, like kicking puppies, taking candy from babies, and drawing graffiti:
    Linkara: Though strangely, the graffiti just says, "Vacations are the pits".
    • After Tangle declares her intention to help, a knife is thrown at the museum's door, with a note from Mimic attached:
      Note: We've chased each other in circles long enough. I'll be waiting for you to settle things once and for all.
      Linkara: [as Whisper] "I challenge you to a Sonic 3D Blast speedrun race!" Diabolical bastard...!
• As Tangle and Whisper investigate one of Eggman's bunkers, Mimic monitors them and attempts to even the playing field by disguising himself as Jewel:
  Linkara: You know, Mimic, these foolish games are tearing me apart. [grins]
  • After locking Tangle in a safe, Mimic turns into Tangle and lures Whisper into a trap, commandeering a robot armed with a mace:
    Linkara: Okay, don't worry, Whisper; this is one of the easier bosses. Just dodge under the ball as it comes at you, and jump into the robot to do some damage before it changes sides. Watch out for the flame jet so it doesn't hit you and take away your Rings... or you can just launch a pink energy buzzsaw at the robot to cut off its mace; that works, too.
    Zordon: Too much pink energy is dangerous!
    • Whisper manages to destroy the robot and begins beating up Mimic, only for him to remind her that Tangle is still locked in a safe:
      Mimic: If you hurry, you might open the safe before she runs out of air. I doubt you'll both get out before the bombs go off, though. But I'm counting on you trying.
      Linkara: [as Mimic] I mean, you certainly don't have time to just hit me twice with the big hammer on the head and then go after Tangle-- Aw, crap.
• After rescuing Tangle and trying to get her to go home, Whisper reveals what happened to her team:
  Whisper: There were five of us... Slinger, our marksman. Me, the scout. Smithy, our crafter. Claire Voyance, our psy-op. ...And Mimic, the infiltrator.
  Linkara: [as Whisper] Then, of course, we had our backup team: Keyboard the hacker, C4 the demolitionist... and Spatula the caterer. [beat] You never realize how important it is to have good catering on missions until you need it.
  • Tangle then learns that on a mission to take down Eggman's forces along the coast, the Diamond Cutters were betrayed by Mimic and sent to their deaths as Whisper stayed behind, discovering what happened to the afterwards and recovering the team's Wisps:
    Tangle: I know I asked for it, but... ...why would you hold onto that footage?
    Linkara: [as Whisper] Well, embarrassed as I am to say this... Smithy makes this hilarious noise when he screams, and I just haven't had a chance to rip it from the footage.
    Tangle: Ahh... That's why you took that new Wispon and a small army of little friends. To keep fighting as the Guardian Angel of the Battlefield.
    Whisper: Their name for me. Not my idea.
    Linkara: [as Whisper] I wanted to be called the "Diamond Death Spike", but apparently, that name's hard to sell for all-age advertisements.
    • invoked Linkara incorrectly referring to the Shadow Androids as "Metal Sonics or so" can be this considering the infamous plot point of people mistaking Shadow for Sonic in Sonic Adventure 2.
• Tangle then demands to know why Whisper didn't want her or any of Sonic's allies to tag along:
  Whisper: ...You are the first friend I've allowed myself to have since then. I can't stand the thought of losing anyone again...
  Linkara: [as Whisper] It's really a pain in the ass to update this thing's calendar settings to stop reminding me of dead people's birthdays.
  • Moved by Whisper's words, Tangle declares that she's her friend, too, and friends look after each other no matter what:
    Whisper: He nearly destroyed us tonight.
    Linkara: [as Tangle] So, we've got to do what's necessary to finish the job! Friends help each other, right?!
• The next day, Mimic returns to the destroyed bunker and tries to prove to Eggman that Tangle and Whisper are actually dead, saying their bodies were atomized in the explosion:
  Eggman: That's your problem, not mine. You assured me your former comrade wasn't a threat, let alone alive. Except not only is the last Diamond Cutter alive, she became a highly destructive beacon of hope during the war!
  Linkara: Man, where's the Blue Lantern in the DC Universe who inspires hope through destruction?
  • Mimic finds the safe and their tracks, as well as a message for him:
    Message: We end this where we started.
    Linkara: [as Whisper] In that weird echidna bar where we first met that had the giant statues of Tails in it for some reason...
• Tangle and Whisper prepare for battle in the abandoned Diamond Cutter base as Mimic sends a squadron of Eggman's robots to take them down:
  Tangle: Hardly seems fair. For them.
  Linkara: [as Tangle] I mean, I have a big prehensile tail, and he has giant robot wasps; this fight was over before it began, really.
  • Thankfully, Whisper has the right tool for the job — a gun:
    Linkara: Well, now I just want a modded version of the Genesis Sonic games where Sonic shoots stuff with lasers. [beat] Especially Sonic Spinball.
• As Mimic chases after them, Tangle leads him into their trap, showing him holographic recordings of his former teammates praising him:
  Tangle: Was it worth it? Betraying all your friends, just to save yourself?
  Mimic: They weren't my friends. They weren't even my comrades. They were a means to an end.
  Linkara: [as Mimic] Nintendo's inventing a whole new game around my design: it's going to be called "Splatoon"!
  Mimic: I was in it to reap the rewards. When their big crusade put my life on the line, it wasn't a difficult choice.
  Birdperson: In Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.
  Mimic: Heroes become martyrs. Professionals stay alive.
  Linkara: [as Mimic] Hobbyists... just take a break for a while.
• After a long fight, Tangle and Whisper decide to take Mimic to Tails, where he stuffs him into a specialized containment chamber that shuffles through various climate and atmospheric conditions to keep him from escaping:
  Mimic: I've heard such promises before. Cages, cells, prison eggs — I've escaped them all. And I'll escape this, too.
  Linkara: [as Tails] Yeah, but in the meantime, there's no toilet in there! Bye!
  • Tangle retorts with a better reason to keep him locked up:
    Tangle: 'Cause Eggman doesn't know you're in here. If you got out and got spotted, he might be a bit cranky with you failing your mission and wasting all of those Badniks.
    Linkara: [as Tangle] He'd probably fire you! [beat] And by that, I mean "send a robot at you that spits fire".
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: "Sonic Says"... stab your enemies!

690: PATREON: Star Trek: The Next Generation/X-Men: Planet X

• Linkara states that he considered bringing in Dominic Noble from The Dom Reviews for assistance with reviewing the novel and even has him appear onscreen; however, before Dominic can even get a word out, Linkara concludes that he needs to do it his own way, without help from anyone else:
  Dominic: Wow, what a weird waste of a cameo. [leaves]
• Linkara explains that unlike other non-visual reviews he's done, such as the one for The Minister of Chance, he'll be able to use comic panels from both franchises to represent what's happening:
  Linkara: Which means I'll save time by not needing to collect comic panels for the review, and I don't have to edit them moving! [beat] And this episode is still late, because nothing I ever do will get us back on schedule ever again! [beat] I just made myself sad!
• Linkara glosses over the cover, only stopping to point out "Xavier the Great and Powerful" (Professor X's head tinted a weird shade of green):
  Linkara: [as Professor X] Now I'm radioactive... That's probably good for my mutant powers, my X-Men!
• The prologue opens on an alien planet (later identified as "Xhaldia") where a boy named Erid Sovar is undergoing a rite of passage:
  "I will be a new person," Erid Sovar told his friends, savoring the warmth of the afternoon sun on his face. "I will be a person this world has never seen before."
  Linkara: [as Erid] I will be Peter Stormare.
  • Said rite involves taking a pilgrimage to a specific rock without food or water, sitting on that rock, and going soul-searching:
    Linkara: If this was a live-action Star Trek thing, this would probably be filmed at Vasquez Rocks.
    So he sat there, alone under the terrible and unexpected brightness of the stars, and sang psalms to the inclinations of his spirit.
    All he had to do was sing the song, they had said, and he would find the elements that made him unique... the elements that finally and irrevocably made him Erid Sovar.
    Linkara: [meditating] Yooooo... I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
    • After finishing the ritual, Erid falls down and hits his head; soon, veins appear all over him, his limbs go weak, and white energy beams shoot out from his body:
      Linkara: Puberty can be tough on this planet.
• The story proper begins with the X-Men (Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, Colossus, Archangel, Banshee, and Storm) reappearing in a cargo bay on Starbase 88 and being found by the station's security; after recognizing the Starfleet uniforms, they ask to talk to Picard:
  Linkara: Nothing solves problems in time travel quite as much as name-dropping.
• Meanwhile, Worf returns to the Enterprise to coordinate a conference with the Klingons, only to be interrupted by a surprise party from the rest of the crew that he is quite happy about:
  Linkara: Hopefully, it'll turn out better than his last surprise party, which resulted in him shifting from one parallel universe to another because of multimodal reflection sorting. [beat] Or, as we see in this cool shot, Worf: No Way Home.
• Erid is brought to a fortress on Xhaldia to keep his powers under wraps... which is interesting, considering a Lt. Sovar with a very similar description to Erid is manning the tactical station on the Enterprise:
  Linkara: Could be the stuff on Xhaldia is a flashback, or this is Sovar's brother or father or something; if Star Trek runs on anything, it's extreme coincidences. Family members popping up out of nowhere, the number 47 appearing all the time, all major plot points somehow revolving around Michael Burnham; we really should just rename the franchise "What a Coinkydink!"
• Picard and Storm have a conversation that apparently highlights some sexual tension between them:
  Storm grunted softly. "No doubt, you were surprised to hear from us."
  "I was," the captain agreed. "Though to be honest, I often found myself thinking about you."
  Linkara: [as Picard] I wanted to show you the "Captain's Log", as it were. [grins]
• At the fortress, the "transformed" manage to cause a riot and lock up the guards, but leave behind a criminally insane man named Malak, who keeps repeating his name and can set things on fire with a glance:
  Linkara: A power that would definitely come in handy for me any time I remember that Marville exists.
• In Chapter 13, Wolverine visits Guinan at her bar, not impressed by the selection of stronger drinks; Guinan challenges him to try a "warrior's drink", which turns out to be Worf's preferred beverage... prune juice:
  Linkara: And the best part is that Wolverine has completely good humor about it; turns out if you just let him stab things for a while, it loosens him up. [beat] Or at least, the prune juice will in a couple of hours.
• Picard gives an update during the battle with the Draa'kon:
  Captain's Log, supplemental. As we race to effect repairs to the Enterprise, I find myself locked in a stalemate with High Implementor Isadjo of the brutal Draa'kon.
  Linkara: [as Picard] I fear the only solution to this problem is a rap battle. [beat] I have prepared for this moment my entire life.
• Dr. Crusher decides to use the holodeck to create a simulation of Professor X to advise on the situation in Xhaldia:
  Linkara: Oh boy; the last time someone in the Next Generation cast tried to recreate a person on the holodeck, they just ended up wanting to bang her. [beat] Eh, Crusher already had a thing for Picard anyway, so it all balances out.
• Data manages to convince the transformed that he and Nightcrawler are not their enemies by describing his own experiences with prejudice:
  Linkara: Because if there's anything that Trek has mastered over the X-Men franchise, it's making speeches. In the X-Men's case, they're good at it... but often, people get shot in the middle of making one; just ask Ultimate Cyclops. [beat] Oh wait, you can't; he was shot in the middle of making a speech.
• Counselor Troi's shuttle gets destroyed, but she uses the emergency transporter to beam herself and the others to the bridge of the Draa'kon ship, meaning High Implementor Isadjo finally meets Wolverine:
  "I'll bet you're the creepy crawler in charge. I mean, you are the biggest, fattest guy around."
  Linkara: Is the Draa'kon hierarchy based on weight? Also, no need to disparage creepy crawlers, Wolverine, just because Cyclops wouldn't buy you a Creepy Crawler oven. [beat] What? That reference isn't a stretch; he comes from the 90's.
  90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! Why don't you have a Creepy Crawlers machine, man?!
  Linkara: Huh... Good question; why don't I?
• The novel ends with Q and Uatu the Watcher observing what just transpired, with Q explaining that he was the one who brought the X-Men to the Star Trek universe since he has an interest in Xhaldia for the future:
  Linkara: Dude, you're a powerful alien being; if you wanted to get involved in the world, just do what other aliens do and leave a monolith.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Standing knee-deep in fallen adversaries, Wolverine retracted his claws and tossed a grin in Troi's direction. "Thanks fer leavin' a few fer me, Darlin'."
  She chuckled wearily. "My pleasure."
  Linkara: [as Troi] Hahahahaha! It's so nice to see you stab a bunch of people.

691: Stargate SG-1: P.O.W. #1-3

• While discussing the backstory of the franchise, Linkara points out how odd it was that the visiting Goa'uld didn't leave behind any navigation logs in the event that the Stargate was destroyed:
  Linkara: It was ancient times! Sure, they had spaceships, but they hadn't invented paper yet, and they had to write it all down on stone tablets, and Gary was really drunk that day.
• The series begins with a Serpent Guard shooting a staff weapon out in the woods:
  Linkara: Hey, he may work for an evil tyrant, but someone's got to do the gardening around here!
• At Stargate Command, Lt. Gen. Hammond briefs the SG-1 team on their latest mission to Planet PC3-551:
  Hammond: Our mission is to try to determine what made the Goa'uld abandon this site and... ...to recover any technology or tactics that might have helped remove them from the site.
  Linkara: [as Hammond] You know, things like low-hanging ceilings that their helmets kept bumping into.
  • O'Neill responds with his characteristic snark:
    O'Neill: Wouldn't it make more sense for us to just ask the landlord if they were evicted or only denied their security deposit?
    Linkara: [as Hammond] Tried already, Colonel; no response. And reviews of them online made them sound like a pretty scummy rental company as it is.
• When O'Neill discovers one of the Serpent Guards is Skaara from the original Stargate movie, Linkara explains how Skaara was a surrogate son to him because O'Neill's son accidentally shot himself with his gun:
  Linkara: [ponders what he just said] ...I did say this was a fun series, right?
• After O'Neill leaps through the portal, Hammond orders the facility locked down, and Carter discovers that Skaara left behind a device attached to the Stargate that's emitting a lot of heat:
  Linkara: Ah, great; the Goa'uld are trying to overclock its CPU!
  • A soldier with a crowbar tries to remove the device, but it blasts him in response:
    Linkara: Stargate's Gordon Freeman didn't have a very long career.
• In the second issue, Teal'c tries to force his way into the control room to activate the Stargate to rescue O'Neill; after being restrained, Carter successfully convinces Teal'c to stand down:
  Teal'c: Very well, General Hammond. But I will go after O'Neill alone if I must.
  Linkara: [as Teal'c] Let us face it: as the resident badass of the team, I would probably be more effective than an entire squadron of soldiers. You guys have P90s, [flexing his muscles] but I have got these guns.
• We then cut to O'Neill being interrogated by the Goa'uld:
  O'Neill: Look, I promise not to tell you what Freud would say about those big snake heads you wear, but you gotta let me down first...
  Linkara: Okay, it's not anything sexual; he'd actually say it represents humanity's natural fear of being eaten by a giant snake in a Syfy Channel Original Movie. [beat] Freud was very ahead of his time in some ways.
• During the recap portion of the issue (the events of which everyone involved should already know), Jackson goes over his experiences with the Stargate:
  Jackson: Standing at the event horizon for the first time was like staring into the face of God.
  Linkara: [as Jackson] Unfortunately, it was God from Marville, so He was really annoying and said that we should feel bad about molecules dying.
  Jackson: We later reasoned that the wormhole worked by deconstructing molecules and transporting them across the galaxy to a new destination.
  Linkara: [as Jackson] And by "later", I mean... they knew that already; it was on the computer screens in the movie.
  Linkara: Also, spelling error, there. "Desitnation", indeed.
  Teal'c: Indeed.
  Jackson: There we found a primitive population of roughly 5000 miners harvesting a mineral called Naquadah.
  Linkara: And one of them was incredibly creepy-looking, if this art is anything to go by.
  Jackson: They were bound in slavery to Ra, the Egyptian god of the Sun. We discovered that Ra was actually an ancient alien being... ...who had come to Earth thousands of years before... ...and had possessed a peasant boy to ensure his own immortality.
  Linkara: [as Jackson] Unfortunately for him, the nuke to the face kind of canceled out the immortality.
• The second issue ends with SG-1 deciding to storm into Hammond's office to demand a rescue mission for O'Neill... but Hammond is way ahead of them:
  Hammond: [holding up a pistol] SG-1, let's get the other teams prepped for deployment. We're going to get our man back!
  Linkara: [as Hammond, shaking the pistol he's holding] Now, if only this gun wasn't glued to my hand...!
• Linkara describes the cover of the third issue as generic, with the SG-1 team standing in the desert in the front portion... along with the giant head of Hammond looming behind them like Zardoz, prompting a now-signature rapid-fire series of jokes:
  Linkara: [as Hammond, holding a pistol] Colonel... The gun is good. The penis is evil. Good luck, SG-1.
  Linkara: This is a weird new version of Zordon.
  Linkara: You know, they were naming one of the spaceships in later seasons the "George S. Hammond"; I didn't realize the design would match him.
  Linkara: "I am Hammond, the great and powerful! Pay no attention to the Goa'uld behind the curtain!"
  Linkara: Ah, great; he's trying to get SG-1 to "SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT".
  Linkara: Man, the later Dune books go in some weird directions.
  Linkara: I don't know why they ever had a problem finding Anubis; Gen. Hammond could just eat his ship!
  Linkara: Hate to say it, but I think we're going to lose this staring contest.
  Linkara: [as Hammond] No, no, Teal'c... I'll show you how to do a proper interrogation.
  Linkara: God, did O'Neill activate the cheat code for Big Head Mode?
  Linkara: Check out our new movie, The Amazing Colossal Hammond!
  Linkara: Didn't realize I wanted Godzilla vs. Hammond until this moment.
  Linkara: "Honey, I Blew Up the General".
  Linkara: This is why we couldn't have him around in the last few seasons; no one would worship the Ori if they saw this coming up on the horizon.
  Linkara: You know, there's a thing in Stargate called "Ascension" where you, like, evolve into pure energy or something, but... maybe you actually just become a giant head.
  Linkara: I know we wanted to honor Don S. Davis after he passed away in 2008, but maybe this statue of him was a bit much?
  Linkara: In Transformers, it's Unicron's head floating around Cybertron; in Stargate, it's Gen. Hammond's.
  Linkara: After the Great Division in THE MONUMENT MYTHOS, a few Canyon Crowns ended up in some... unexpected places.
  Linkara: Awkwardly, the rest of his body did not grow, so he's just basically a human bobblehead.
  Linkara: And finally...
  Linkara: Geez, no wonder Gen. Hammond was worried about launching a rescue mission; how's he going to fit that through the Stargate?!
• The third issue opens with Skaara talking to a legion of Serpent Guards:
  Skaara: Servants of Apophis, hear me. The time has come... ...to destroy the enemies of your god!
  Linkara: [as Skaara] First, though, I have some birthdays to announce...
• While preparing for the mission, Carter shows Hammond an "Apophis Bomb", or "A-Bomb" for short, a Hellfire missile enriched with Naquadah that should be strong enough to disable a Pyramid ship:
  Teal'c: How do you propose that we retrieve O'Neill before the... A-Bomb explodes?
  Hammond: Teal'c, did Colonel O'Neill ever tell you about this country's war for independence from the British?
  Linkara: [as Teal'c] You are going to throw their beverages overboard?
  Hammond: We were outmanned, outgunned, and ill equipped. We only had two things going in our favor. We had the spirit to take the fight to the enemy... ...and we didn't fight fair.
  Linkara: I mean... we also had more knowledge of the terrain, additional help from the French, the fact that they were shipping soldiers overseas in order to get to us; basically, we had a lot of things going on to help with that. [beat] Also, "take the fight to the enemy"? In Stargate, did we invade England?!

692: PATREON: Man of Steel

• From the very first second of the review, Linkara makes his intense displeasure for the film known:
  Linkara: [dejectedly] Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Patreon-sponsored review time again, and of course it is, because why the hell would I watch this damn thing if I wasn't being paid to?!
• Linkara says that any fan of AT4W who loves this film doesn't have to watch this episode if they don't want to, since they're under no obligation to watch things they don't like:
  Linkara: I DO, HOWEVER, BECAUSE FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I DECIDED I HATED MYSELF AND WANTED TO BE MISERABLE EVERY WEEK!
• By popular demand, Linkara reuploaded his Man of Steel vlog on his website because he didn't want any years-old unscripted content to disrupt his place in the YouTube algorithm:
  Linkara: And dang it, if I'm going to screw myself over on YouTube, I'm going to do it by uploading anything besides History of Power Rangers; I have a system here!
• After delaying it for as long as he can, Linkara decides to suck it up and get the review over with:
  Linkara: And hey, it's only a two-hour film versus a three-hour one, so at least this review will be shorter than the Batman v Superman review, right? [beat] Right? [stares at the video's runtime (1:26:45), then stares back in abject horror]
• In the film's prologue, Jor-El warns the Kryptonian Law Council that Krypton's core is collapsing due to them mining it, and it's only a matter of time before the planet explodes:
  Linkara: And the worst part is, you know they won't get the deposit back. Also, get a load of this guy's (Lor-Em) outfit; apparently, "wire chic" was really in before Krypton was lost.
  Mike Nelson: There. Sure glad I don't look stupid in this.
• After Jor-El secures the Growth Codex during General Zod's coup, his war kite mount, H'Raka, gets injured:
  Jor-El: [after spotting the injury] Easy, H'Raka. [H'Raka then plummets to the ground]
  Linkara: [as H'Raka] Thanks, Jor-El; I might've actually survived a little longer, but sure, give me even more pain and suffering as we crash down. I'm going real easy now, asshole!
  • After Jor-El uploads the Codex, Lara and her robot helper Kelor determine the best place to send baby Kal-El is a planet called "Earth", where its sun will grant him special abilities:
    Lara: He'll be an outcast. A freak.
    Jor-El: How? He'll be a god to them.
    Linkara: Ugh; some parents just set too high expectations for their kids' future.
    • Just as Jor-El and Lara begin to launch Kal-El's pod, Zod and his forces arrive; after Jor-El informs him that Kal-El's birth was natural, Zod attacks him in a fury, only to get mercilessly whaled on in return:
      Linkara: Then again, he is fighting Russell Crowe.
      Theme Music: Fight-in Round The World!
• As Krypton breaks apart, Lara accepts the inevitable:
  Lara: There is no refuge, Kelor.
  Linkara: [as Lara] Frankly, I'm just kind of indifferent about that... Eh, I'm going to go take a nap and wait for this to blow over.
  Lara: Make a better world than ours, Kal... [several volcanoes erupt]
  Linkara: [as Lara] Preferably one with less volcanoes.
• While dissecting the scene where a young Clark Kent saves his schoolmates from drowning after a bus accident, Linkara takes issue with the movie's washed-out color palette:
  Linkara: This is the color palette of... a family drama about someone coming back home after their father died to try to come to terms with the crap they experienced in their childhood, not a Superman movie! It has the same kind of color scheme as The Ring! Samara is going to come crawling out of a well to try to drag these kids to Hell for escaping the bus death! [beat] And oh, my God, why haven't we had "Superman vs. Samara" before?!
  • Later that day, after suggesting that maybe it would be better if Clark let his fellow students die, Jonathan shows him the pod he arrived in as a baby; Jonathan states that Clark was brought to Earth for a reason, and the time will come for him to choose whether or not to reveal his true self to the world:
    Clark: Can't I just keep pretending I'm your son?
    Jonathan: You are my son. [hugs Clark]
    Linkara: [as Jonathan] Just don't save other people's sons, Clark, or else the entire world will change, and that will be bad!
• After Lois's story about being rescued by Clark in the Kryptonian ship is rejected by Perry, she leaks the story to a blogger named Glen Woodburn (a rather on-the-nose reference to Woodward and Bernstein):
  Woodburn: Didn't you once describe my site as a... "creeping cancer of falsehoods"?
  Linkara: Yeah, best to give it to the person whom you have publicly declared is a liar and cannot be trusted.
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• Aboard the Kryptonian ship, an A.I. reconstruction of Jor-El introduces itself to Clark:
  Jor-El A.I.: To see you standing there having grown into an adult... If only Lara could have witnessed this.
  Linkara: [as the Jor-El A.I.] But unfortunately, I totally forgot to copy her brain or whatever into that thumb drive; I'm a busy man, and I was probably a more expensive actor than her.
  • The A.I. explains that Kryptonian society changed so that every person bred was designed to to fulfill a specific role:
    Jor-El A.I. ...as a worker, a warrior, a leader, and so on.
    Linkara: [as the Jor-El A.I.] If you hadn't been naturally conceived, they were planning on making you a Roomba repairman.
• During Jonathan's death scene, Linkara remarks how he looks just as indifferent to his fate as Lara:
  Linkara: Do you have an appropriate reaction to anything?!
  The Mariner: [flatly] My boat.
  Linkara: [throwing his hands up] Of course...
• At NORAD, Gen. Calvin Swanwick meets with Dr. Emil Hamilton about a suspicious object approaching Earth:
  Swanwick: What am I looking at, Doc? Comet? Asteroid?
  Hamilton: Comets don't make course corrections, General.
  Linkara: Well, you guys are in NORAD, which is based in the Cheyenne Mountain Complex along with the Stargate; you sure this isn't a Goa'uld mothership? Actually, from the photos, it kind of looks like Nero's ship from Star Trek (2009); guess that last red matter black hole sent him even farther back in time.
  • Swanwick tries to guess the motives of whoever is piloting the ship:
    Swanwick: But I think whoever's at the helm of that thing is looking to make a dramatic entrance.
    Megamind: PRESENTATION! [starts a laser light show]
• As Zod's ship breaches the atmosphere, cutting power across the globe, the Kryptonians send a heavily distorted message telling humanity they are not alone:
  Linkara: Yes, Face of Boe, we get it; you can knock it off now!
• Clark, in his Kryptonian suit, travels to a military base to meet with Lois, and is escorted through the hallways under very heavy guard... which seem, to Linkara's confusion and irritation, to be colored green:
  Linkara: Hey, when I started doing my show, the shots looked very yellow; just a result of the default light balance. Nowadays, the default actually looks better because of different lighting in this place, but I still adjust it with RGB curves. [snaps his fingers and reverts to default lighting in the shot] I bring this up because every time I see a shot like this in the movie, I want to take the movie into Adobe Premiere to try to fix it! Why does this shot look like this?! It's like they're filming it through a Listerine bottle!
• As requested, Clark is brought inside to talk with Lois, where he tells her that he'll let mankind decide what to do with him; she asks what the "S" symbol on his outfit means:
  Clark: On my world, it means "hope".
  Lois: Well, here, it's... an "S".
  Linkara: Well, Lois, on another planet, this means "peace among worlds"! [tosses up two middle fingers, then grins] You can take it to mean whatever you want on this one!
  • Before Lois can give Clark his "Superman" name, she's interrupted by Hamilton; Clark says he can see him and the guards on the other side of the glass and says they aren't necessary:
    Hamilton: Sir, y-y-you can't expect us to not take precautions. You could be carrying some kind of alien pathogen.
    Linkara: And those pathogens might be armed! [shrugs]
    • Clark says they're afraid of him because they can't control him, but he is not their enemy:
      Swanwick: Then who is? Zod?
      Linkara: Well, he is the one who threatened to destroy humanity, whereas you didn't even know Superman existed until last night, and he voluntarily surrendered himself to you, so who knows, eh?! [shrugs]
• Zod's subordinates, Faora-Ul and Nam-Ek, bring Clark and Lois aboard their shuttle and fly to meet with Zod's ship; they leave the two of them in the shuttle's hull:
  Linkara: [as Lois] So, do you guys just... not believe in chairs?
• Clark and Lois are taken to Zod, where Clark collapses after failing to adjust to the ship's Kryptonian atmosphere; in a mental conversation, Zod explains that his group escaped Krypton's destruction by being sent to the Phantom Zone:
  Zod: The destruction of our world... freed us.
  Linkara: [as Zod] That one software engineer thought it was just a funny gag when he programmed the Phantom Zone to open when Krypton exploded, but who's laughing now, huh?
  • He then says they retrofitted the Phantom Zone Projectors into a hyperdrive that they used to visit several Kryptonian colonies, only to find that they withered and died without Krypton's support:
    Linkara: So I guess that answers one of my questions from Jor-El's exposition dump, but still, dick move on the Kryptonians' part to suddenly decide, "Yeah, you're on your own, guys! Don't bother coming back!" Geez!
    • Zod states that his ultimate goal is to use the Codex that was brought to Earth alongside Clark, along with some salvaged terraforming equipment, to help turn the planet into a new Krypton; he acknowledges that all life on Earth will be destroyed... which is illustrated by an ocean of skulls that Clark sinks into:
      Nazi Officer: Are we the baddies?
      Linkara: Some have wondered why they can't just terraform Mars or something, but let's face it: Zod's already about genetic purity and crap; he's probably not going to be happy that the filthy humans are his neighbors... or he's just lazy. "We're already here, Faora; do you really want to take another hour to get to Mars?"
• After Lois changes the ship's atmosphere to be more Earth-like, Clark breaks free while Lois is guided by the Jor-El A.I. to an escape pod, which is subsequently damaged by laser fire; the A.I. points this out to Clark, and then explains that he wanted him to live as a human first, and then act as a bridge between the two peoples before learning about the Codex:
  Jor-El A.I.: You can save her, Kal. You can save all of them. [shows Clark floating out of the ship in a pose similar to the Crucifixion]
  Linkara: T-pose to save humanity. Also, really? REALLY?! "You can save them all.", and then put him in the Jesus pose?!
  Wayne: Oh, get off the cross; we need the wood.
• After Zod threatens Martha, Clark tackles him all the way to Smallville and throws him into a gas station, damaging Zod's suit and causing the sudden influx of powers upon exposure to the atmosphere to overwhelm him:
  Clark: My parents taught me to hone my senses, Zod. Focus... on just what I wanted to see.
  Linkara: [as Clark] Let me just tell you what I did to counter this, assuming you won't be able to do the same. [beat] Wow, I'm not very smart, am I?
  • Later in the battle, Clark tackles Faora into the nearby IHOP:
    Faora: The fact that you possess a sense of morality, and we do not... gives us an evolutionary advantage.
    Linkara: [as Faora] And as we all know, loyalty to your leader, believing in restoring your people to life, and camaraderie with your fellow troops has nothing to do with morality! [beat; as himself] God, you might as well have just quoted Dark Helmet!
    Dark Helmet: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
• After returning Clark and Lois to the military base, Col. Hardy informs Swanwick of the plan to stop the Kryptonian World Engines by using Clark's pod to create a singularity that will suck the Kryptonians in; despite not knowing if said singularity will only suck in the Kryptonians or how to close it, Hardy believes this is their best option:
  Linkara: And if you can't trust the guy created specifically for this movie — because... I don't know; I guess Christopher Meloni was available that day — then who can you trust?
  • Thankfully, however, the plan works, and Clark and Lois share a passionate kiss amongst the rubble as Perry and other Daily Planet employees look on:
    Lois: You know, they say it's all downhill after the first kiss.
    Linkara: That's true; this movie does go downhill after this moment, and it wasn't exactly starting very high to begin with.
• After telling off the military for sending a drone to spy on him, Clark visits Jonathan's grave with Martha:
  Martha: He always believed you were meant for greater things.
  Clark: I just wish he could've been here to see it finally happen.
  Linkara: [as Clark] I could really use a lecture from him to say that the drone is proof that they will never trust me and I should stop trying to save people.

693: Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #7

• Linkara reads the recap from the original issue:
  Recap: GODZILLA has emerged from the ocean off the coast of Japan. RODAN has hatched from an egg in Russia. BATTRA has been released off the coast of France. KUMONGA has burst from the ground in the midwestern United States.
  Linkara: [as the recap] GIGAN has... slept in because he forgot to set his alarm.
  Recap: And things are just getting worse: after a brutal fight between GODZILLA and ANGUIRUS, Los Angeles has been reduced to ruins.
  Linkara: [as the recap] Ironically, this still hasn't improved the traffic situation.
  Recap: Suffering a malfunction, MECHAGODZILLA turns on humanity and goes on a rampage of his own.
  Linkara: I warned you all that this was what would happen if we got rid of Arby's Potato Cakes, but nooooo; now even our own creations forsake us!
• The issue opens in Asia, where an old monk is looking over ancient texts:
  Monk: "...whosoever sacrifices himself for mankind shall become one with the Dragon King."
  Linkara: [as the monk] "Unfortunately, this means you have to pay off his credit card debts."
  Monk: "Their spirits intertwined. A force of righteousness in a world of beasts."
  Linkara: Dude, you adopted a hamster; don't oversell it.
  • The monk travels to a temple set into a mountain adorned with a carving of King Ghidorah, where he begins to pray:
    Monk: I freely give my life for those who suffer.
    Linkara: Well, thanks, man, but it's just a hangnail.
• Meanwhile, Sgt. Woods keeps watch over Allie, who has decided to host a tea party with her stuffed animal:
  Allie: It's teatime, Mr. Monkey Man. Sit right here while I— —What's that? Well, beggars can't be choosers these days. Tea's gonna be scarce. Gotta take what you can get.
  Linkara: [as Mr. Monkey Man] Maybe so, Allie, but it feels like we're recycling our urine a little earlier than necessary, is all.
  Sgt. Woods: [thinking] Poor thing. She'll never know a normal life... What it means to be a kid...
  Linkara: Oh yeah, tea parties with your stuffed animals are the most adult things imaginable; it's going to break out into a violent coke party any second now.
  Sgt. Woods: [thinking] ...To have her mom call her in from the swing set for dinner... To have her dad teach her how to tie her shoelaces...
  Linkara: [as Allie] Actually, I always preferred velcro.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Shut up and lament your childhood, dammit!
  Sgt. Woods: [thinking] To have her brother reassure her after she watches a scary movie that monsters aren't real... ...But they are real. And that changes everything.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Then the brother is just like, "Well, I mean, Freddy Krueger isn't real, but Godzilla is, and he's still probably going to kill us all, but he's not in this movie we're watching, so stop being scared."
• After Sgt. Woods fights off a group of survivors to secure a supply drop, Allie is dismayed to find that this drop didn't contain any chocolate:
  Sgt. Woods: No, I haven't seen any yet, but there's lots of other good stuff. Including peanut butter. You love peanut butter!
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] It'll go great with this can of beans!
  • Allie wonders why people keep fighting despite the situation they're in:
    Sgt. Woods: Mostly, they fight because they're scared.
    Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] And I just gave them even more reason to be scared. [to the survivors] Sucks to be you guys!
    Allie: I get scared sometimes. Don't you?
    Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Yeah, but mostly of reality television coming back; that's more dangerous than the giant monsters, in my opinion.
• In Paris, after a brutal fight between Battra and Rodan, the twin psychic girls Minette and Mallorie, now dressed as queens, yell out for them to stop, and are astonished when they both comply:
  Mallorie: It listened to us, Minette! We really are queens!
  Linkara: You also appear to be ghouls, given how you're drawn in this issue. [beat] Do you guys know Moarte? It's Longbox's tenth anniversary, you know.
  Minette: Yes, Mallorie, we are queens. Queens of the Monsters. They have come to serve us and do what we say.
  Linkara: [as Minette] And yet, they still won't get a job when we tell them to!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Godzilla's just wrecking up the Washington Monument because he heard there was a Special Tree inside; "King of the Monsters", you know?

694: PATREON: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger Episodes 17-21

• During his recap of the last Gokaiger review, Linkara mentions how Basco had a collection of Sixth Ranger Keys that he could activate using a trumpet-like device:
  Linkara: Basco, the ska villain.
• The title of Episode 17 is listed as "A Somewhat Spectacular Silver Person":
  Linkara: Which Wikipedia lists as "The Awesome Silver Pirate", so clearly, there's some disagreement out there about how cool this guy is.
  • The episode proper starts with the Gokaigers fighting a contingent of Zangyack forces as someone (later identified as "Gai Ikari") stares in awe:
    Gai: That's so cool! I can't wait to see the rest!
    Linkara: [as Gai] If only there was some kind of toy version I could buy at my local store!
• After the battle, aboard the Galleon, Navi congratulates the group on a job well done:
  Doc: Well, we do have eleven of the ultimate powers now.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, eight of them are just different brands of foot lotion.
  • Captain Marvelous has Navi use her prediction abilities to find the next power:
    Navi: Someone incredible is rolling in... [hits the ceiling with her head]
    Linkara: That thing's head is going to look like a piece of paper by the time this season is over.
    • According to Navi, the group should keep their eyes peeled for a "somewhat spectacular silver person":
      Joe: What's that mean?
      Luka: Spectacular? How?
      Doc: That's as vague as ever...
      Linkara: Well, yeah; it's been seventeen episodes. Has there been a firmware patch to Navi that was supposed to make the predictions more detailed?
      Marvelous: Just look for someone spectacular, right?
      Linkara: [grinning] Welp, time to take off my shirt...
• During their search for the "silver person", the Gokaigers pass by a kid who falls down while playing with a toy plane; Gai then steps in and berates Marvelous for not stopping to help the kid:
  Gai: You're in a Super Sentai! You should offer a kind, helping hand to a child that's fallen in the street!
  Linkara: [as Gai] What do you think this is, Kamen Rider?!
  • Marvelous points out that the kid just tripped and is perfectly capable of getting up himself, which he does; the kid then runs over to his mother, prompting Gai to profusely apologize:
    Gai: I'm sorry, I swear, I'm not someone suspicious...
    Linkara: Getting a lot of questions about my "I'm not someone suspicious" t-shirt that are answered by the shirt...
    Marvelous: Let's find that power before any more weirdos try and hassle us.
    Linkara: Too late, dude; I saw that you posted some opinions on the Internet.
• The Gokaigers run into a Zangyack monster, Almadon, and some foot soldiers in the middle of planting bombs all over the city; after suiting up, Gokai Green grabs one of the bombs and threatens some foot soldiers with it:
  Gokai Green: Lookie here! It's gonna blow!
  Adam West's Batman: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.
  • The group try out some Sixth Ranger Keys against Almadon, but discover he's equipped with a forcefield; before Gai can intervene, Doc (in the Dragon Ranger armor) manages to disable the generator:
    Linkara: Ugh, typical Tommy worship! I-- Oh, wait...
    • Almadon retreats, only to be berated by Warz Gill on the command ship:
      Almadon: [as pink text scrolls across the bottom of the screen] My apologies. I thought the pirates were beneath my notice and underestimated them.
      Linkara: [as Almadon] The only thing truly beneath my notice is the pink scrolling text!
• Back on Earth, Gai introduces himself to the team and begs them to let him join, saying he can help raise their appeal; he then proceeds to have a dream sequence where the team is polite and friendly (in sharp contrast to their normal demeanors), except for Ahim, who is already sweet and kind:
  Dream Ahim: Oh, my... I seem mostly unchanged—?
  Linkara: [as Dream Ahim] Although, I suddenly have a strange attraction to Gai Ikari, who is definitely not someone suspicious.
  • After rejecting Gai's offer, the team resumes their search for the "silver person", including interrupting a company's morning workout:
    Gokai Yellow: [through a megaphone] Do any of you know any somewhat spectacular silver people?
    Cyber-Leader: Of course. But why should we form an alliance with you?
• Almadon returns and attacks the Gokaigers, but Gai gets in between the two groups, revealing his very own morpher and transforming into Gokai Silver:
  Gokai Silver: The bright red sun at my back...
  Linkara: You're on Krypton?
  Gokai Silver: ...and justice filling my blue soul!
  Linkara: [looking confused] ...Pollo?
  • Unfortunately, the villains have learned from the previous encounter, and have rigged Almadon's forcefield generator to explode if struck, which doesn't sit well with Damaras:
    Damaras: You'd sacrifice an Action Commander to defeat the pirates?
    Linkara: Damaras having a real "Are we the baddies?" existential crisis.
• Aboard the Galleon, Gai explains that he received his Ranger Key after saving a girl from being hit by a truck only to get hit himself, and then having an out-of-body experience while in the hospital where he found himself face-to-face with Burai, the Dragon Ranger:
  Gai: D-Dragon Ranger!?
  Linkara: [as the Dragon Ranger] That kid I gave my Dragon Coin to sold it on eBay; you must avenge me, Gai.
  • Gai also met Naoto Takizawa, A.K.A. Time Fire, and Mikoto Nakadai, A.K.A. AbareKiller, in the vision:
    Mikoto: I'm surprised you know us.
    Gai: Of course I do! That's entry level knowledge!
    Linkara: And see, that's why I only do "History of Power Rangers" and not "History of Super Sentai"; I just don't know that entry level knowledge. [shrugs]
    • Mikoto then handed Gai the Gokai Silver Ranger Key and the "Gokai Cellular" morpher:
      Mikoto: Use that, and become the greatest hero.
      Linkara: He's going to become Charles Barkley?!
      [cuts to a shot of the Dragon Ranger, Mikoto, and Time Fire standing together]
      Linkara: You think the three of them ever sit around comparing how they died?
• Marvelous shows Gai the team's collection of Ranger Keys:
  Gai: It's Gorenger! Whoa, and you've got Big One?
  Linkara: [as Gai, holding a Ranger Key] They only made, like, a hundred of these! It's a super-rare collectible!
  • Marvelous confiscates Gai's morpher and asks him to prove his worth before joining the team; despite his attitude, Marvelous later states that he does care about Gai's safety:
    Marvelous: He doesn't realize what a big deal it is to make enemies of the Zangyack. It makes you into an enemy of the universe.
    Linkara: [as Marvelous] Just makes it really hard to go shopping there...
• As Gai contemplates his next steps in an open field, he spies a group of Zangyack led by Osogain attacking a construction site:
  Osogain: This area is going to be the base of operations for the Zangyack invasion of Earth.
  Linkara: They know that! What do you think the construction workers were doing?!
  • Gai holds off the foot soldiers until the construction workers escape, but is easily beaten by Osogain; thankfully, the Gokaigers arrive to save him, and Marvelous warns him that if he uses the morpher, he'll be an enemy of the Zangyack:
    Gai: I'm going to smash the Zangyack, and bring peace to the universe!
    Linkara: Unfortunately, he just ended up sending emails saying they should go vote to destroy the Zangyack, and then asked for money.
• The title of Episode 19 is listed as "An Armor with Fifteen Warriors":
  Linkara: That seems likely to get very sweaty and uncomfortable to have fifteen people crammed inside of it.
• The villains unveil a new fish-themed monster, Worian:
  Insarn: I've never seen him before. What can he do?
  Barizorg: He can remove bones.
  Insarn: De—
  Damaras: Bone?
  Wunder Boner Announcer: Introducing the Wunder Boner! The amazing new fishing tool that makes deboning fish a breeze!
  Warz Gill: Worian! Get down there, and leave those Earthlings boneless!
  Linkara: Like the pizza I ordered?!
  • This is demonstrated by showing a glowing CGI skeleton flying out of extras' bodies, and then just having them faint and collapse to the ground:
    Worian: I'm going to debone every single earthling!
    Wunder Boner Fisherman: My wife would like that...
• During the battle, the Gokaigers switch into their Go-onger uniforms, but Gai can't decide whether to go with Go-on Silver or Go-on Gold; however, he ends up not having to choose, as the spirits of those two Rangers fuse the two Ranger Keys into one, allowing Gai to wear both colors at the same time:
  Linkara: I love how even the foot soldiers are like, "Dude, what the hell?"
  Gokai Green: Gai's got everybody excited again...
  Linkara: [as Gokai Green] Everybody's got a boner for Gai; thank God this monster is around.
  • Unfortunately, the battle ends in a crushing defeat for the Gokaigers, with everyone except Doc and Gai getting "de-boned", and they regroup aboard the Galleon:
    Marvelous: Yeah, don't worry about that stuff...
    Luka: Let's just hang out together...
    Linkara: [as Marvelous, acting "de-boned" and holding a toy Super Mega Blaster] Dudes, have you ever noticed that, like, our morphers are cell phones? [beat] Dudes, are we pirating data?!
    Linkara: So, did the monster just replace their bones with weed?
• After regaining his courage, Doc heads off to meet with Gai, telling him that if he could combine the Go-on Gold and Go-on Silver Ranger Keys, he may be able to do the same with the other fifteen Sixth Ranger Keys:
  Gokai Green: There shouldn't be any difference between two and fifteen!
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
  • Cue monster getting defeated, cue making the monster grow, cue monster getting defeated again with the Megazords:
    Worian: My precious fish bone—!
    Wunder Boner Fisherman: I think the Wunder Boner's a winner.
• As the group try to locate the Gingamen, Doc reveals he brought along a box of doughnuts as a peace offering:
  Linkara: Man, those rice balls look delicious!
  • Basco returns, this time managing to knock the Gokaigers into a river; after getting fished out by Ryouma, A.K.A. Ginga Red, Doc gives him the box of doughnuts:
    Doc: Um... if you'd like, you can have this.
    Ryouma: What's this?
    Doc: Donuts.
    Linkara: Thought's nice, but I don't think Tim Hortons containers are waterproof.
• Basco then goes after Gai and Hyūga the Black Knight; Marvelous attempts to intervene, but is overwhelmed by Basco's collection of Sixth Rangers:
  Basco: How can you be a pirate if you're always trying to make the smart move?
  Linkara: Pirates: history's morons.
  • Marvelous' boasts that only an idiot gives up on their dreams inspires Gai to not surrender his morpher to Hyūga and keep being Gokai Silver:
    Gai: You might be the better choice to save this planet, compared to me. But, I... I want to be Gokai Silver!
    Linkara: [as Gai] I mean, sure, the Earth is destroyed, but... I really wanted it, you know?
• The final episode of the review begins with Marvelous, still sore from his defeat at Basco's hands, angrily demanding a new prediction from Navi, even getting physical with her:
  Linkara: Ah, the return of the Marvelous Asshole.
• Satoru Akashi, A.K.A. Bouken Red, boards the Galleon and asks the Gokaigers for help:
  Satoru: I'd like you to assist me in recovering a Precious.
  Linkara: [as Satoru] It was last seen with a creature called "Gollum".
  • According to Satoru, the Precious are ancient relics with incredible power; the villains are searching for the "Heart of Hades", which, according to Damaras, has the power to resurrect the dead:
    Damaras: Who would have thought it would be on Earth of all places?
    Linkara: Get used to it, dude; Earth is basically the mystical junk drawer of every object of great power.
• Marvelous, Luka, and Satoru search for the Heart of Hades, but the villains have beaten them to it, resurrecting Creator King Ryuuwon and collapsing the cave the Heart was stored in onto them; they manage to recover, with Marvelous lamenting that the trip was for nothing, only for Satoru to disagree:
  Satoru: How many adventures have you been on, with all the places you've been? It's not just about treasure. Surely you've found things more important than that?
  Linkara: [as Marvelous] Well, I did find a really cool hat at a gift shop once...
  Linkara: No, he just goes on about "the heart of an adventurer", the thrill of the chase, and that that's what the most important treasure of all is. Meanwhile, the creator of One Piece is apparently just, like, "What? Of course there's an actual treasure."
  • Marvelous, Luka, and Satoru bust out of the cave and reunite with the other Gokaigers to take on Ryuuwon, changing into the Boukenger uniforms:
    Ryuuwon: What!? Boukengers!?
    "Bouken Red": Well, the pirated version.
    Linkara: A small "Unregistered HyperCam" watermark is going to appear on all their visors.
    • After holding Ryuuwon in place, "Bouken Red" yanks the Heart of Hades from his chest and tosses it to Satoru:
      Linkara: Always fun when the kids' show features a character LITERALLY ripping the heart out of his opponent's chest!

695: US-1 #11

• The issue begins where the last one left off:
  Archer: No! It can't be! The Highwayman — the man who's been threatening my life for these past months — is really my brother, Jeff!
  Linkara: Eh, yeah, this is pretty normal for siblings, I've found.
  Jeff: Tsk, tsk. So surprised, little brother? Was this rubber mask I wore as the Highwayman really so deceptive?
  Linkara: Well... yeah, actually. It didn't really look like a mask at all; you were like a demon whose face was perpetually in shadow. Good craftsmanship, man.
  Caption: Stay with us, CBers! This is but the first of many revelations you'll be treated to in a tale we like to call: "Transmissions from Space!"
  Linkara: This is a weird remake of the movie Contact.
  • Jeff explains that he only made it look like he died when his truck exploded:
    Jeff: I can't believe that my ultra-smart baby brother, Ulysses Solomon Archer, didn't catch on earlier!
    Linkara: Eh, don't put too much faith in his intelligence; he just decided to buy some truck NFTs.
• Suddenly, the aliens from earlier show up; while Jeff tries to strangle Archer, they zap him with a beam, freezing him in place:
  Alien: This has gone on long enough! The dispute in question cannot be settled by crude physical violence!
  Linkara: [as the alien] It must be settled with refined physical violence!
  • Archer demands an explanation for why all this happened:
    Archer: Jeff and I have always been more than brothers — we're friends as well!
    Linkara: [as Archer] Brothers aren't normally friends!
    Alien: I say that you are wrong, U. S. Archer! Though your loyalty towards your brother is commendable, it is unfortunately, misplaced!
    Archer: Holy—! A gigantic holographic projection of the alien — filling up the entire sky!
    Linkara: [as Archer] They have absolutely no reason to do this, but it's impressive, nonetheless!
    Alien: All will be explained to you, but this is hardly the place for it! Some innocent passers-by might stumble across our little tableau here...
    Linkara: [as the alien] It's a good thing I'm not doing anything right now that might grab anyone's attention!
    Alien: ...and frankly— —I'm not interested in becoming another "swamp gas" sighting statistic!
    Linkara: [as the alien] I'm good enough for "weather balloon", dagnabbit!
• While he and Jeff are being transported by the aliens, Archer thinks back to when they helped him win the race against Taryn:
  Archer: [thinking] But is that really why he helped me? Did he really need those pieces of poultry? Or was it just part of some weird scheme that ties in with Jeff and all these crazy goings on?
  Linkara: I mean, either way, it's weird, so what's the difference?
  Archer: [thinking] Come to think of it, the alien spoke like a refugee from a CB radio nightmare the first time I met him. What happened to those speech patterns?
  Linkara: [as Archer] Dang it, was there an editor on this comic at all?!
  • They fly over a couple making out in a car:
    Woman: Eep! Eddie, there's a couple'a trucks flying over us!
    Eddie: Sure, baby, sure! Lots of girls see interesting stuff when ol' Eddie lays his lips on 'em!
    Linkara: Poor dope doesn't realize that means he's so bad at it that they're thinking of anything else.
• Back at the truck stop, the rest of the gang react in shock to Jeff being the Highwayman:
  Poppa Wheelie: Jeff! Y-You were the Highwayman? But how? Why?!
  Linkara: [as Jeff] Long story short, this is the outfit I wanted to wear while trucking, but noooo! It's plaid, jeans and a hat, or else it ain't trucking!
• The lead alien steps out of his ship to talk to the group:
  Alien: Greetings, Earthlings!
  Archer: Can the "B" movie dialogue, pal.
  Linkara: [as the alien] All I said was "hi". Geez...
  • The alien decides to clean up the area, starting with the neo-Nazis:
    Alien: These strangely-garbed people are quite distracting. Obviously they seek to call attention to themselves.
    Linkara: No, no, no, no, no; that's the Nazi enablers who want attention for themselves. I know it's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but trust me, comic from 40 years ago... they don't just want attention.
    Alien: I can send them where their strange, outmoded garments will garner all the attention their undernourished egos crave.
    Linkara: [as the alien] A YouTube comments section!
    • The alien then teleports the neo-Nazis away:
      Archer: Wh—?! Baron Von Blimp and all the neo-Nazis are gone!
      Alien: Yes. This little device is even better than ColecoVision, is it not?
      Linkara: [as Archer] Isn't that just an Intellivision?
      Linkara: [as the alien] I said it was better than a ColecoVision!
      Wide Load: They are gone! Disappeared without a trace!
      Poppa Wheelie: I don't like Nazis any better than the next guy, but this—!
      Linkara: No, no, no, Poppa Wheelie; the beginning and end of your statement should be, "I don't like Nazis any better than the next guy."... and we move on.
• After everyone gathers aboard the alien ship, Archer asks why the aliens' speech patterns keep changing, and the alien explains that they learned the languages of Earth by studying various forms of mass media:
  Alien: None of us could determine which mode of verbalization was preferred amongst you who dwell on Midgard. Television, CB broadcasts, even comic books were studied.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, they ended up studying Marville and quickly abandoned that medium in a hurry.
  • According to the alien, the Federated Planets wanted to make first contact with Earth, but rather than meet with politicians, they wanted to handpick a representative:
    Alien: We sought someone intelligent, courageous, someone willing to face the terrors — and adventures — of space, the final frontier.
    Linkara: [as the alien] We have come for the one you call "Mr. T".
    • Actually, they chose Archer for the job, but they ran into a snag:
      Alien: Y'see, all you Earthfolks look pretty much alike to us.
      Linkara: Space racism. [beat] Spacism.
• Jeff explains his motives for becoming the Highwayman; namely, that he had to work as hard as possible for a decent life, while Archer had everything handed to him on a silver platter, only to give it all up to fulfill his dream of becoming a trucker:
  Linkara: [as Jeff] And so, instead of actually talking to you about these problems like a normal person, I decided to become a demonic trucker-themed supervillain. [beat] I've got issues.
  • Archer tries to apologize, but Jeff doesn't care:
    Jeff: Sure you're sorry. It's easy to feel sorry for someone else when everything's going your way!
    Linkara: To be fair, man, this has not exactly been a great day for him; this is still the same day from issue 8 to now. Both of his love interests were suspected of being Midnight, fighting Nazis, his brother turned out to be evil, flying trucks; it's not exactly been cruising down Route 66 blasting C.W. McCall songs.
• Apparently, the "demons" who approached Jeff after his staged accident were, in fact, the aliens, who tried to contact him after they realized their mistake:
  Linkara: And they disguised themselves as devils with horns and all because... Uh... W-Well, see, there was this episode of the 1980s Twilight Zone where a trucker is employed to take souls to Hell, and they had just watched that...
• The issue ends with the alien declaring that the feud between Archer and Jeff will be settled with one final contest between them on equal footing:
  Alien: To decide which one of you will— inherit the stars!
  Linkara: And which of them will pay the inheritance tax on those stars.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Uh, why is the alien wrapping his tentacles around them while he talks about a contest between the two?!

696: PATREON: X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic #5-12: "Green"

• Linkara begins the review by complaining how often Marvel reuses certain words for their comics; for example, "Infinity" could refer to the event comic, the character, other titles that include that word, the tie-ins to those titles, Disney Infinity, or the free digital comics as part of Marvel Unlimited:
  Linkara: I guess the point I'm trying to make with all this is BUY A THESAURUS, MARVEL!
• The story begins on the living island Krakoa, with Pyro, Cypher, Egg, and Nature Girl hanging out as Pyro plays guitar on a tree branch; it gets pointed out that Krakoa can manipulate its environment, which apparently includes tree guitars:
  Linkara: Just don't ask what's involved with making and playing a woodwind instrument, though.
  • Cypher uses his powers to communicate with the island:
    Cypher: Krakoa says you're most welcome. He enjoys when you play it too.
    Linkara: [as Cypher] Unfortunately, it just keeps wanting you to play "Stairway to Heaven" on a loop.
    Pyro: Let's see if he likes this one.
    Linkara: Pyro quickly learned that Krakoa did not like "Disco Duck".
• The song is interrupted, however, when a sea turtle washes up onshore; using her animal empathy abilities, Nature Girl learns that the turtle didn't want to die alone as it coughs up a plastic bag:
  Nature Girl: [thinking] My heart can't take it. I've lost count of how many creatures have died on these shores. Poisoned by the humans.
  Linkara: Actually, it had nothing to do with the plastic bags; it just heard Pyro playing Maroon 5 songs.
  Nature Girl: [thinking] My mutant gift has joined me with the planet. I feel her every joy and pain, but these days, there is far more pain and fever than ever before.
  Linkara: [as Nature Girl] I must drop some ibuprofen into a volcano to solve this problem!
  • Pyro begins to lose his compsure:
    Pyro: I've burned whole busloads of @#$@ without losing a minute of sleep, but <sniff> damn if animals don't get to me.
    Linkara: [as Pyro] Sure, I'm a multiple murderer, but... sea turtle!
    • For Nature Girl, this incident proves to be the last straw:
      Nature Girl: [thinking] I can't just sit in our paradise while they burn the rest of the planet to ash.
      Linkara: [as Nature Girl] That's Pyro's job, dammit!
      Linkara: Also, this is a "me" problem, but I can't take Nature Girl seriously because every time I look at her, I see the VTuber Haruka Karibu, what with those antlers.
      Haruka Karibu: It's a fucking... MAGNIFYING GLASS, YOU <BLEEP> IDIOT!
• Nature Girl's attempt to confront the owner of the grocery store whose bag was lodged in the sea turtle's throat leads to her killing the owner with scissors, converting a police dog to her side, and unleashing what can only be described as a "birdemic" on the police outside:
  Nature Girl: [thinking] Parrots. And some other friends. But mostly parrots.
  Linkara: Actually, from the visuals, I'm mostly seeing seagulls, even a few eagles.
  Nature Girl: [thinking] Wild birds that flee their perches form large communities in urban cities. Las Vegas is home to all manner of enslaved creatures, and they're all willing to rise up.
  Linkara: [as Nature Girl] No coat hanger can stop you, my winged friends!
• The next issue begins with Wolverine tracking Nature Girl down:
  Wolverine: I'm the best at what I do, but what I do isn't always so nice.
  Linkara: [as Wolverine] I've been eating this dirt all day, and still nothing...
  • Wolverine finds Nature Girl and tries to talk to her, but unfortunately, she is beyond reason:
    Nature Girl: So I'm not returning to Krakoa. Not until I've changed the humans.
    Linkara: [as Nature Girl] Admittedly, I'm going to need to buy a lot more scissors...
• Issue 7 begins at the Cynadine Oil Company, currently pumping for oil in the Dakotas; one of the workers building a pipeline gets a rock thrown at him by a group of protesters:
  Protester: We respectfully ask you to stop.
  Linkara: [as the protester] Or would you like another respect rock?
  • Nature Girl arrives with her newest recruit, Curse, who uses her powers to make a worker trip and fall on a rock, splitting his head open and killing him:
    Curse: Hi, my name is Curse, and I'm kind of the hype girl for my friend Nature Girl.
    Linkara: [as Curse] And that's why I challenge you oil workers to fight her in WrestleMania!
    • After Nature Girl drives the majority of workers off with bees, she slices the throat of a worker attacking her with her antler, and admits that after feeling pain for so many years as the environment was damaged, "fighting back" makes her feel alive:
      Linkara: Let this be a lesson to those who suffer from chronic unexplained pain: JUST MURDER PEOPLE! [angrily taps his head]
• In issue 8, Sauron flies to his cave laboratory, only to discover that the oil pipeline from last issue has leaked into the lab and destroyed his work:
  Sauron: Poison! Shale oil runoff!
  Linkara: [as Sauron] Wait, is there oil in this mountain? I'm rich!
• Issue 9 features Nature Girl and Curse fighting Black Mamba, who uses her Darkforce powers on Nature Girl and the guard holding onto her, causing them to experience visions of their traumatic pasts:
  Guard: No, no — it can't be — I killed you!
  Linkara: [as the guard] MY GOLDFISH IS BACK FOR REVENGE!!
  • Nature Girl manages to recover, but more guards arrive:
    Black Mamba: Kid. You're gonna surrender, or you're going to be treated like an adult... and that means these guys are gonna dig three holes...
    Linkara: Oh, nice of her to say the dog gets its own grave, too.
• In issue 11, Sauron and Black Mamba use their powers to try and intimidate the other, but it quickly goes off the rails:
  Sauron: Fear not, Sauron is a sapiosexual.
  Black Mamba: <Gasp> So am I.
  Dr. Cox: And oh, my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
• In the final issue, Nature Girl accuses the Quiet Council of being murderers via inaction while Magneto is dismissive of it:
  Linkara: [grumbling] Oh, my God; I didn't want to make this comparison, but it really is just like Power Rangers Wild Force. [shoulders his own Crystal Saber and looks away] Criminy!
• The post credits stinger, showing Pyro playing the tree guitar:
  Linkara: [as Pyro] Anyway, here's "Wonderwall".

697: PATREON: Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage

• At the very start of the review, Linkara crosses something off a certain list:
  Linkara: Welp, that's another one of the "Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review" crossed off the list! You remember that, right? My 99th episode, last one I did at my very first filming location? Ooh, what are you people going to make me do next, huh, huh? Marvel Versus DC? Hmm, possibility; I am going to do an Amalgam Comics Month at some point. Uh, Punisher Meets Archie is a possibility. Marvel Zombies? Ehh, Moarte's did that one twice now, so maybe I should cross that off. Did an entire month dedicated to Marvel Zombies comics! It's Longbox's tenth anniversary, you know! Ooh, well, my money is on Batman #66, AKA the one where the Joker says "boner" a whole lot! Lost Girls? Still never going to happen; it's porn. Probably going to be the last holdout.
• The story begins with Cletus Kasady, former host of the Carnage symbiote, being wheeled into Ravencroft Sanitarium by five guards:
  Kasady: [singing] Here comes the bride! All dressed in white! I wish it was red! Then you'd all be dead!
  Linkara: Cletus was a big Game of Thrones fan.
  Officer Resnick: Real funny, Kasady! You're a regular "Weird Al" Yankovic... with an emphasis on the weird!
  Linkara: Yeah, though I don't know how I feel about his version of "Harvey the Wonder Hamster". [shows a picture of Doppelganger]
  Kasady: Thank you, Officer Resnick! I sincerely hope that I can someday return the courtesy you've shown me— —by slaughtering you quickly, and with minimal agony!
  Linkara: [as Kasady] Though, first on the list is the guy who gave me this haircut.
  • Kasady is brought before some doctors to examine his blood, who theorize that his homicidal tendencies are due to a chemical imbalance; Kasady, however, claims there is a monster inside him:
    Dr. Pournella: There are monsters within all of us, Mr. Kasady!
    Linkara: [as Dr. Pournella] Mine's a wendigo!
    • Unfortunately, Kasady is quite correct, as a new Carnage symbiote emerges from his bloodstream and forms over him:
      Kasady: You should have listened, Doc! I warned you—! There really is a monster hiding within me!
      Linkara: [as Kasady] His name is Carl, and he's a mummy!
      Kasady: You test tube jockies are all the same! Can't accept the truth when it's spitting in your eye! The monster is far more than a wild pair of long johns!
      Linkara: Wait, was her theory that his underwear was too tight?
      Carnage: Hey, Resnick—! Remember how I said I'd go easy on you? I lied!
      Linkara: Dishonesty, Cletus? [scoffs] Well, now I'm just more disappointed than angry.
      Carnage: You should have known better than to trust a raving lunatic! I am the ultimate insanity! I AM CARNAGE!
      Linkara: Oh, yeah? Try being as insane as Marville, and then we'll talk about you being the ultimate in it, Cletus.
• We next cut over to a funeral, later revealed to be Harry Osborn's:
  Captions: Family! Sometimes having a family can be pure aggravation!
  Linkara: Dominic Toretto is giving you the stink-eye, narrator.
  • Harry was acting as the Green Goblin at the time of his death in Spectacular Spider-Man #200, which has understandably driven a lot of people away from him, as J. Jonah Jameson notes:
    Jameson: <Harrump> If you ask me, that web-swinging menace is responsible for this tragedy... and I intend to prove it!
    Linkara: Singing a different tune there, Jonah, considering the Green Goblin showed up in your office to terrify you in that issue.
    • At that point, Aunt May and Peter's parents, Richard and Mary, decide to leave:
      Richard: We didn't know your friend, but if there's anything we can do—!
      Peter: Just you and Mom being here was more than enough, Dad!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Thank God you two aren't evil robot duplicates as part of a scheme that Harry had set in motion before he died; that'd suck!
• Peter offers his condolences to Harry's wife Liz Allan, who asks him to stay in their building out of respect for Harry; Peter replies by saying he'll talk to Mary Jane about it later:
  Peter: [thinking] Harry was my best friend... and my greatest enemy!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Why wasn't I carrying a Hostess Fruit Pie to prevent this?!
  Peter: [thinking] Friends, foes and family — how did they ever manage to get so confused and jumbled together?!
  Linkara: Just you wait, people; at some point, Aunt May is going to be revealed as some nefarious supervillain planning his downfall. That's how Peter's life works at this point.
• While continuing his slaughter of the guards back at Ravencroft, Carnage comes across Shriek, a mutant with the ability to manipulate sound waves, who wants to join him in his rampage:
  Shriek: Oooo! Those tentacles are simply wild! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
  Archer: Said Ripley to the android Bishop.
• After Peter and Mary Jane return to their apartment, Mary Jane lights up a cigarette:
  Peter: Mary Jane... I know this isn't the best timing... but your smoking... think what it's doing to your health! We just attended one memorial service! Please don't make me attend yours!
  Linkara: That's right, people; this episode has actually been a stealth PSA Hell review this whole time! Smoking is like a serial killer with an alien costume going on a killing spree... in your lungs!
  Mary Jane: Don't confuse the issues, Peter! Harry might still be alive if he had taken up smoking... instead of being the Green Goblin!
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
  Linkara: Meanwhile, Peter's thinking about that time he teamed up with Storm and Luke Cage to fight a smoking-themed villain.
• Carnage and Shriek recount their origins to each other, with Shriek saying that she was committing mass murder when she ran into a "weird dude who — quite literally — blew [her] mind":
  Linkara: I mean, it did seem to convince her she was a member of KISS... Then again, KISS is canon to the Marvel Universe, and their KISS forms are from magic, so maybe that is true.
• The second part opens with Spidey still reeling from the cracked ribs he received during his recent fight with Shriek and his evil duplicate Doppelganger (last seen in the event comic The Infinity War) as a gang of punks closes in for the kill:
  Punk: This is a %#@% miracle!
  Jules Winnfield: —and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!
• Speaking of Shriek and Doppelganger:
  Captions: No matter what you hear about the rest of the world, the concept of "family" in the nineties... ...has taken on a much broader meaning in New York City.
  Linkara: Well, good! Family can be lots of things: found family with friends, polycules, more traditional families, and evil Spider-Doppelgangers made for event comics alongside serial killers who either use alien costumes or sonic blasts. New York is a big city; there's room for all of it, dang it!
• At the offices of the Daily Bugle, Jameson is left to process his recent run-in with Carnage:
  Jameson: This is a major scoop, Robbie... ...and our readers have every right to know that Carnage is looking for Spider-Man and Venom.
  Linkara: [as Jameson] The only question is, how can we turn this into a listicle? Ooh! And have it behind a paywall?
  Robbie: It's nothing more than terrorist blackmail, Jonah... That maniac nearly tore you to shreds—
  Linkara: [as Jameson] Dammit, Robbie, he threatened to rip up my other shirts, too! You see this?! This is Armani!
• Spidey is tended to by the vigilante duo Cloak and Dagger in a church, but Doppelganger crashes in, leading Shriek right to them; it turns out it was Cloak who Shriek had confronted before, having passed through the abyss contained in his outfit:
  Shriek: I was merely a downtown drug dealer trying to make dead ends meet, Cloak... ..when your endless black abyss first introduced me to the singular satisfaction of madness years ago!
  Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
  Cyber-Leader: It is.
  • Things swiftly go from bad to worse when Carnage busts in and Shriek manages to out-blast Dagger, seemingly disintegrating her body; Carnage is furious that Shriek would try to kill Spidey without him and slaps her hard across the face:
    Linkara: You know, people, I'm starting to suspect that this relationship isn't healthy.
    • Naturally, Cloak does not handle his partner's death very well:
      Cloak: TANDYYY!
      Linkara: Oh, yeah; I wake up screaming that sometimes when I remember that the Whiz Kids exist.
• The third part begins with Eddie Brock having recently flown in to New York from San Francisco to track down Carnage; upon seeing Carnage in a newspaper, Eddie transforms into Venom in the middle of the terminal:
  Airport Guard: Venom?!? F...-F-F-F...F-F...
  Venom: Could freeze possibly be the word you're looking for?
  Linkara: [as the airport guard] Well... yeah, sorry; you're going to need to put your symbiote in the checked luggage.
• On a rooftop, Carnage chews Shriek out for killing Dagger:
  Shriek: Geez, Carny, I-I just thought—
  Carnage: "Thought"? You... "THOUGHT"?!? Sweet-cheeks, that's a vile little habit I think you'd better break!
  Linkara: [as Carnage] Here, read X-Men: Green; that'll cure you of it!
• As Spidey patrols the city, he spots the Demogoblin and tries to tail him, but the demon catches on and tosses a pumpkin bomb that releases a "living darkness" which quickly envelops Spidey:
  Mike Stoklasa: What was that black goo?
  Spider-Man: [thinking] Feel... so cold! Wh-What's happening to me...?
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, Peter; I've been there. I had to review Man of Steel recently; it'll pass.
  Demogoblin: That was no ordinary bomb, Spider-Man!
  Linkara: [as Demogoblin] It was my bath bomb!
  Demogoblin: It was meant to give you a taste of what all sinners must eventually face: the despair and unending hopelessness of eternal torment!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] It's like I was watching the entirety of The Big Bang Theory at once; even Young Sheldon!
  • A priest tries to intervene, giving Spidey a chance to snap out of it:
    Spider-Man: [thinking] Have to fight... against the darkness! Fight it... with truth! The truth... that no matter how I feel... as long as I breathe— —there is hope!
    Linkara: ...And he socks Demogoblin. The hope of punching things!
• We cut to Central Park as Carnage's killing spree continues:
  Captions: All is silent. The screams have stopped.
  Linkara: Ah, so Mr. Computer finally fled the area.
• In Part 4, Carnage, Shriek, and Doppelganger break into a warehouse being used to store props for heavy metal concerts — one which Shriek is familiar with from her days as a groupie — and claim it as their own:
  Carnage: ...I've always buzzed on heavy metal! It's all about chaos — an' chaos is the future! Laws are only words! You can do anything ya want — anything — as long as ya've got the guts ta make it happen! That's a little lesson we're gonna teach the world— —together!
  Linkara: This is a weird reboot of The Partridge Family.
• Angry at Peter for allowing Eddie to stay at their apartment to recuperate, Mary Jane goes to Aunt May's house, where she talks with Richard and Mary about the funeral:
  Mary: Yes, it must be awful, losing a husband like that. He was so young, so loved!
  Richard: Which reminds me— —how's Peter?
  Linkara: [as Richard] Is he dead, old, and unloved yet?
• Back at Peter's apartment, Eddie has finished recovering, as demonstrated when he lifts a couch with one hand:
  Eddie: Good. Our strength has returned!
  Linkara: [as Eddie] Yes, I can help you move a couch!
• In Part 5, Linkara takes a moment to explain Carnage's motivations; namely, he believes that life is meaningless, and there is no point to anything, so he should be free to do whatever he wants, which in this case means killing as many people as he can. This is why he doesn't go back to finish off Spider-Man and Venom or set a trap for them — since his entire ethos is "because I feel like it", he sees no need to go after them:
  Carnage: So repeat after me: The only purpose is no purpose! The only plan is no plan!
  Linkara: Carnage is an undefeated champion at Calvinball, as it happens.
• Peter visits Aunt May and receives a pep talk from her about listening to his heart, which causes him to feel better; then, Richard stops him and delivers his own harsh truths, his worldview having changed from the time he spent locked away in a Soviet prison:
  Richard: Strip away the veneer of society and civilization and you'll find a devil inside all men.
  Linkara: [as Richard] Mostly Hitler, though. Did you know that Hitler was literally the Devil? Blue Beetle taught me that.
  • Richard goes on to say that the evil inside of people is closer to the surface than anyone would like to admit:
    Richard: That prison was overun with devils, Peter. Sadistic, evil men who'd do anything — no matter how twisted, how immoral — to break a man down, destroy his soul.
    Linkara: [as a Soviet guard] Geez, you cancel one Taco Tuesday in the prison because of health concerns, and suddenly, it's pure evil.
    Richard: However well-intentioned Ben and May were— —they were wrong to fill your head with fairy tales about the goodness and decency of the human heart. Oh, sure — there are good men in the world. Your uncle was one of them. And look where it got him — Dead. Shot down like a dog.
    Linkara: Beginning to see why Peter never goes to you for advice, man.
    Richard: And knowing my brother, he was probably looking up at the scum who did it— —trying to understand why.
    Linkara: [as Richard] And then he would be, like, "Oh, right; I never did pay you back that twenty bucks..."
    • Richard ultimately concludes that the world is bleak and cruel, and the only way to fight back against the devils in it is to be just as bad as they are:
      Richard: I wouldn't be sitting here today if I lived life the way Ben and May did. Looking for the good in everyone. If I'd done that, Peter— —I would have gone down in flames.
      Linkara: Eh, I don't know, man; according to Trouble, you cheated on your wife with May, so you were already kind of a dick before the prison.
• As Carnage and his team kill everyone in a restaurant, Shriek mentions possibly having a few more kids in their "family"; as it so happens, a decayed creature in tattered clothes called "Carrion" emerges from the sewers and follows them:
  Linkara: I don't know how I feel about this new iteration of Ninja Turtles' Rat King.
• Meanwhile, Spidey swings around the city as he tries to grapple with what his father told him, only to happen upon a massive crowd of people rioting and gleefully hurting and killing each other as a side effect of Carnage's rampage; Spidey tries to step in and break up the riot, but everyone piles on him and attacks in force until he shoves everyone off in a burst of rage, clearly having had enough:
  Spider-Man: Okay! You wanna act like devils — then I'll treat you like devils! I'm tired of always holding back... being cautious... trying so hard to draw a moral line that no one even sees anymore. From here on in — I'll do whatever it takes to keep this city from going down in flames!
  Linkara: Oh boy. Uh, Peter? Um, you probably shouldn't look behind you, then...
  Spider-Man: Do you hear me?! From this moment on— —you'll get NO MERCY from Spider-Man!!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man, holding his fists towards the sky] And oh, God, I really should not have gone into this pose! My ribs are basically powder at this point!
• The opening of Part 6 features none other than the man, the myth, the legend himself... Morbius the Living Vampire:
  Linkara: My friends, IT'S MORBIN' TIME!! [beat] My show is where memes go to die; people are going to be so confused watching this in a few years.
• In the aftermath of the nightclub attack, Spidey and Venom's team work to save all the trapped bystanders before pursuing Carnage; in the midst of these rescue efforts, Cloak sees a woman putting on a brave face for someone with her:
  Cloak: [thinking] This poor girl's trying to be so brave — just like my beautiful Tandy when Shriek... This was surely the better way to honor Dagger's memory than cold revenge. ...For now!
  Linkara: [as Cloak] Later on, the cold revenge will be the best way to honor her memory!
• In Part 7, Carnage's team heads to the Metropolitan Museum and vandalizes the exhibits, until the police show up:
  Policeman: The N.Y.P.D. formed this Extreme Emergency Team specifically to handle crud like you!
  Linkara: I'm sorry, I think you mean the EXTREEEEEME!!! ^note Curses can only be halted by their executors./This iteration will be successful./She has waited for four years./Moloch's Doomsayer continues its approach. Emergency Team.
• In a brief interlude, we cut over to the third Deathlok, traveling through cyberspace:
  90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! I can't wait for us to be able to jack directly into the World Wide Web! We'll be literally cruising down the information superhighway!
  • After processing the information about the violence Carnage and his gang have wrought, Deathlok decides to take action:
    Linkara: Also, Deathlok's theme in the video game is just a rip-off of the Terminator theme, and I'm kind of down for that, actually, but why wasn't it RoboCop?
• Meanwhile, Richard walks Aunt May home after depositing her Social Security check; she tries to talk about what he said to Peter, but the two of them soon encounter a guy coming out of an alleyway in a fit of madness:
  Man: The guy on TV — that Carnage fella — he's right, y'know!
  Linkara: [as the man] We should be stealing limos and crashing celebrity nightclubs!
  Man: I worked in a tiny cubicle eight hours a day for twelve years, and all it got me was eye-strain and a lay-off notice! Maybe it is time for chaos!
  Linkara: This is the darker ending to Office Space we were never meant to see.
  • The man knocks Richard to the ground and tries to take May's purse, but Richard recovers and whacks him in the head with a stick:
    Richard: There's your "good people," May! Feel like giving him another chance?
    Linkara: [as Aunt May] Sure! ...Right after I take a few whacks with the stick first, of course!
• After securing the sonic gun from Four Freedoms Plaza and recruiting Firestar, Spidey declares he and the rest of his team now have what they need to take Carnage down:
  Spider-Man: All Kasady's gang have going for them is savagery and bloodlust — the emotions of primitive man! But with this sonic gun, we've got science on our side!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] And only a science major can kick this much ass!
• In Part 8, after Spidey and his team strongarm Jameson into printing a story to lure Carnage to them, we cut to a man sitting at a bus stop reading the latest edition of the Bugle... only to be killed by Carnage as he grabs the paper:
  Carnage: Finished with that paper yet?!
  Linkara: [as Carnage] Oh, my God! "New Petitions Against Tax"?! This is why my murder spree is justified!
• Meanwhile, a city worker tries to free Deathlok from the neon sign he's been knocked into, but some sort of feedback loop is preventing the authorities from shutting the sign off altogether:
  Linkara: Fortunately, this is a superhero comic, so we have a far more effective method of dealing with technology like this: punching it.
  • This is exactly what happens, as Iron Fist arrives and punches through the sign, freeing Deathlok:
    Iron Fist: This fallen hero's plight appeared to require the skills of Iron Fist, my friend... ...and man-made power is ever inferior to the power that makes a man!
    Linkara: That's true; why do you think I'm still doing the "I AM A MAN!" punch after all these years?
• In Part 9, the battle between Spidey and Carnage's teams reaches a fever pitch, with Firestar in particular struggling over whether or not putting the villains down is the right thing to do as both sides trade blows:
  Captions: The aura of evil, of insanity, in the air is so thick that Spider-Man can feel it. It's settled over him — like a layer of soot.
  Linkara: Poor guy is in so much pain from his ribs that he doesn't even recognize high humidity anymore.
  Captions: He feels poisoned by it; corrupted. Yet, deep in his heart is a belief (almost a prayer) that there has to be another way... a better way than this!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Wait, I've got it! Anti-Carnage bake sale!
  Captions: And he feels that — if only he could stop, catch his breath, see clearly for a moment... ...the way would make itself known.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] "Anti-Carnage bake sale"? No, no, that was stupid... Wait, I've got it! Sexy car wash!
• In Part 10, after Captain America lends his aid, he, Spidey, Firestar, Deathlok, and Iron Fist plan to meet up and discuss their next steps; in the meantime, Spidey heads home to check in with Mary Jane:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] Avengers equipment patched up my rib cage...
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] What's left of it, anyway...
• Part 11 starts with the heroes doing what they can to quell the riots Shriek is inciting; one notable instance involves Deathlok talking down a thief robbing a computer store:
  Deathlok: Computers make life better, son — stealing them doesn't.
  Linkara: [as Deathlok] Now then, let me tell you about bitcoin.
  • Elsewhere, Spidey encounters a woman from throwing her children off a rooftop, with his unique presence snapping her out of it due to one of her kids being a fan of his:
    Spider-Man: [thinking] Being true to what I am is the most important thing! I realize that now! And if I ignore it— —everything else in my life, including my relationship with Mary Jane, will be nothing but a hollow sham!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] It's a good thing I'll never abandon my principles and make a deal with Satan or anything!
• Part 12 begins with Richard watching the news, then turning off the TV as it becomes clear things aren't going well for the heroes and venting his thoughts to everyone else in Liz's apartment:
  Richard: When we were locked away in that Soviet hellhole — one of the few things that gave me hope... kept me sane... was thinking about my life back home— —a world that made some kind of sense. Moral... Orderly— But now I see what a fool I was!
  Linkara: [as Richard] I mean, for God's sakes, the last issue, it was a small portable TV because the power was out, but now, it's a regular-sized TV, and everything's well-lit as if there was no power outage at all!
  • As Richard goes on about the evil festering under the surface now bursting through, Mary Jane yells at him to shut up:
    Mary Jane: There are decent people out there putting their lives on the line! They need our good thoughts — our prayers— —not your negativity and cynicism!
    Linkara: True, but I have to be a bit negative about the art. What the hell is happening to your body in this panel, Mary Jane?! It looks like your torso has been smushed by the word balloon!
• Back at the riots, Iron Fist uses a meditative technique to irradiate the calmness of his soul to everyone around him; it works on some of the people, but not all of them, forcing him to be rescued by Spidey, to whom he explains the technique:
  Iron Fist: We are all essentially, one. Divine. All souls crave the experience of that oneness. Offered— —it can't be refused.
  Linkara: [as Iron Fist] Unless there's, like, a lot of you; then it can be refused.
  • Spidey thinks that if the rest of the team can learn that technique, they would have a much easier time calming down the mob:
    Spider-Man: How long would it take?
    Iron Fist: Eight or ten years.
    Linkara: [as Iron Fist] Plus a lot of student loans.
    Linkara: ...And Spidey punches a chimney.
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Great, my ribs are healed, but NOW I'VE BROKEN MY HAND!
• After a resurrected Dagger makes her grand entrance at the start of Part 13, Shriek loses it and fights her one-on-one; both sides try to intervene, but Carnage and Cloak hold them back:
  Cloak: In order for her to get beyond the trauma of her "death" — Dagger must face her "killer"... alone.
  Linkara: Think that's a regular form of therapy for heroes who come back to life? "Screw medication and counseling; you just have to punch the one who killed you"?
  • Dagger's attempt to heal Shriek's damaged psyche fails, but Spidey believes she found a way for the heroes to win; Carnage reinforces the idea that Shriek has been lied to one too many times by people claiming to help, and is shocked to find the heroes have retreated, but suddenly, Spidey appears to face Carnage and the other villains alone, in a direct reversal of his low point in Part 5:
    Spider-Man: The others might've decided that you were too much to handle— —but Spider-Man's no quitter!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] I'm the only one dumb enough to fight you on my own!
• Spidey's fight against Carnage and his team is a brutal one, with his costume getting torn and himself getting knocked down; Spidey tries to tell them that the decency in Dagger's heart was too much for them to handle, but Carnage orders Shriek to flood his mind with negative emotions, which begins to overwhelm him:
  Captions: This darkness is nothing new to him.
  Linkara: Gotta love it when the comics acknowledge that Peter's life is just endless misery.
  • Of course, because such feelings are familiar to him, Spidey easily finds the strength to resist Shriek:
    Captions: ...the redemptive power of the one emotion Cletus Kasady finds it impossible to understand: love. The Carnages of the world mock at the very concept; they call love a delusion... a lie. A sign of weakness.
    Linkara: [as the captions] In reality, a sign of no parking.
    • Shriek soon gets blasted by a device the heroes have built for Deathlok to wear:
      Captions: The scientists at the nearby Rand Corporation laboratory where it was hastily created dubbed it an Alpha Magni-Illuminizor... ...but its purpose is far simpler than the name implies. Spider-Man — who conceived the idea and dispatched the others to see to its completion — called it, only half-jokingly... ...a "good bomb."
      Linkara: Well, that name is just ridiculous; how is this a bomb when it shoots an energy beam? It's a "good vibes" cannon.
• Part 14 begins with Venom taking advantage of his second wind to fight Carnage, to the point where he causes him to flee; Spidey tries to convince Venom to let him contact the other heroes for help, but Venom responds by crushing Spidey's other set of ribs, allowing him to give chase:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] <Uggh> I... I'm busted up on both sides now!
  Linkara: I don't think you've slept in days, either, dude; at this point, I'm pretty sure you're immortal!
• After coming back from the hospital to find his father ranting yet again about the devils in people's hearts and how they'll always return, Peter takes Richard up to the roof and tells him that he's wrong, since he only survived his imprisonment because of his hope:
  Peter: You're not alone, Dad! You never were! This world is full of men and women who have the courage to listen to their hearts... and who believe in doing what's right!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Unfortunately, they're all wearing terrible costumes, but still!
• The story ends with Carnage being taken into Avengers custody, Venom going into hiding now that his job is done, and Spidey declaring, as he walks by Norman and Harry Osborn's graves, that some monsters stay dead and buried forever, and their ghosts can't haunt anyone unless they allow them to... he hopes:
  Linkara: And in the end, hope is our best weapon against darkness. [beat] Doesn't work out in regards to the Osborns, but still.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Black Cat: I don't mean to weird you out, but that coffin Carnage dug up... It's empty!
  Linkara: Oh, my God! Carnage's mom is a zombie!

698: DC Challenge! #4

• While going over the cover, Linkara points out how Aquaman looks like he's reaching over to a nearby alien to remove the tube attached to its head:
  Linkara: [as Aquaman] Is that vulture's blood going into you?! I need my fix!
• We open in the Department of Scientific Investigation in Washington, D.C. as Director Darwin Jones and Bobo the Chimpanzee (pre-Detective Chimp) look over everything that’s happened so far:
  Linkara: It does make sense that when the situation is this bizarre, it's best to get the advice of a chimpanzee. [beat] Can't make it any more weird.
  Jones: I never seen anything so crazy! Demons, dead people coming to life, laws of science failing— —and whichever Justice Leaguers get involved seem to disappear or accomplish nothing!
  Linkara: [as Jones] Dammit, it's as if the next writers don't care about these characters, so they end up getting sidelined or tossed out!
  • Suddenly, Bobo pulls out a pencil and paper and begins drawing something:
    Jones: Oh, no! If you're going to start messing up my office, that's the last straw!
    Linkara: [as Bobo] Well, I was going to write up my proof for solving the Hodge conjecture, but instead, I wrote "Up yours, Darwin!"
    Jones: What the blazes—? Either Chase was right about you— —or I've finally seen proof of the statistical theory that a monkey at a typewriter would eventually produce Shakespeare!
    Linkara: [as Jones] Wait, what does "all the world's a glage" mean?
• Just then, Superman flies in through the open window:
  Superman: Glad to see you're already working on this problem, Dr. Jones — since I flew to Washington to get your department's help!
  Linkara: [as Superman] Not with the current crisis, mind you; it's just, I'm moving apartments next weekend, and...
  • Specifically, he wants help analyzing the relay he found on the roof of the Daily Planet last issue, which contains traces of alien radiation:
    Jones: Aliens? I've only heard rumors of demons involved in the phenomenal incidents.
    Linkara: [as Jones] Aliens?! Pfft, don't be ridiculous, Superman! I'm a science detective; this whole thing is about demons and zombies!
    • After Superman flies to rejoin the League after becoming concerned he couldn't hear his signaler, Jones declares that he and Bobo are heading to Metropolis to investigate:
      Jones: Yes, Bobo — you're coming to Metropolis with me— —you've earned it!
      Linkara: What Bobo doesn't know is that he earned it in place of his regular salary.
• Meanwhile, in the Sahara, Aquaman confronts the aliens who took the place of the League, who say he will be one of their most important tools; Aquaman naturally refuses, but the aliens state that he already helped them by borrowing images of the League from his mind to change into them:
  Alien: We used your signaler to call your comrades!
  Linkara: [as the alien] We've prank-called them so often that they refuse to answer anymore!
  Alien: There are several among them who can be important pawns in our game — for they are traitors to our cause!
  Kylo Ren: TRAITOR!!!
  • Before the aliens can kill Aquaman, Martian Manhunter and Zatanna arrive to save him:
    Zatanna: You didn't think we'd ignore our leader's summons, did you, cutie? Besides, I haven't been to Egypt for years, and the sight-seeing's great!
    Linkara: [as Aquaman] Hahahahaha, that's wonderful, Zatanna! Hahaha— I'VE BEEN SHOT!
    • Zatanna tries to use magic on the aliens, but the spells have no effect:
      Alien: The power of magic is no longer so great, woman — and soon will be gone entirely!
      Linkara: [as the alien] "Pick a card, any card," you say? Well, maybe we'll just shoot you with our science guns instead!
• Thanks to Adam Strange's quick thinking, he, Batman, and Hawkgirl are transported to Rann, where they reunite with Alanna, Sardath, Hawkman, and the Viking Prince after their building was attacked:
  Sardath: I only took this ancient crystal with us—
  Linkara: [as Sardath] Gotta be honest, I didn't have insurance on that place, and I'm going to need to pawn this for the repair work.
  Sardath: —an artifact from Rann's past which was the key to deciphering the computer languages used by our ancestors.
  Linkara: [as Sardath] No one even speaks COBOL or Visual Basic anymore!
  • Suddenly, a giant pink serpent bursts from the ground:
    Sardath: By Ranagar's heights— it's a—
    Stilgar: Usul, we have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen!
    • The creature hisses that it wants Sardath's crystal:
      Linkara: Who knew there was a big market for programming things in Perl?
      Batman: I don't care what it is, Sardath— —if it wants your crystal, it can't have it!
      Linkara: [as Batman] Because it's mine now! Batman wins again!
• As Adam tries to think of a way to keep the effects of the Zeta-Beam from wearing off, Superman suddenly arrives to Alanna's confusion:
  Batman: Obviously he got our JLA distress signal on Earth, and arrived as we were hit by the Zeta-Beam.
  Hawkgirl: Obviously—?
  Linkara: [as Batman] Pfft, yeah, it's obvious! Or am I just smarter than you because I'm Batman? Yeah, that's it; I'm smarter than you because I'm Batman!
• Back on Earth, Jones and Bobo examine the relay:
  Jones: Superman was correct — this radiation is like nothing I've ever seen on Earth.
  Linkara: [as Jones] It's got a real lemony taste to it.
  Jones: It doesn't seem harmful — more like a dangerous wavelength emitter in its tenth half-life.
  Linkara: [as Jones] Now I'm... not radioactive at all; that's probably good!
  • While they investigate, an alien fleet has made its way to Metropolis; a fighter jet tries to shoot one of the ships down with a missile, but it harmlessly bounces off its hull:
    Linkara: Someone who is throwing a roof party is about to have a very interesting day.
    Alien: [through a loudspeaker] Your nuclear weapons are useless, earthlings!
    Linkara: THEY LAUNCHED A NUKE WHILE THE SHIPS WERE HOVERING OVER METROPOLIS?!
    Mike Nelson: [singing] I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works!
• In New York, Jimmy Olsen and Floyd Perkins visit renowned skeptic Dr. Terry Thirteen for an explanation on the dead celebrities coming back to life:
  Olsen: You're the Ghostbust— I mean, Ghostbreaker.
  Linkara: Well, that just makes me think that Dr. Thirteen's going to suplex the ghosts.
• Back at the Daily Planet, it is revealed that the demons have taken over the paper's printing room... and are publishing a story revealing Superman's true identity as Clark Kent:
  Linkara: Turns out the demons just wanted journalism jobs this whole time, but no one would give them a chance.
• In New York, Olsen, Perkins, and Dr. Thirteen find themselves stuck in traffic:
  Olsen: Lemme ask you a question, then, Doctor — How do you feel about U.F.O.s and aliens?
  Dr. Thirteen: Huh? Mostly cases of mass hysteria.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Thirteen] Martian Manhunter? Pfft! Mass delusion; that guy's from Seattle.
  • They soon run into a large gathering of aliens, where all the non-human heroes such as Starfire, Martian Manhunter, and Superman are attached to poles for public display:
    Alien: The independence of your planet has ended! You are now to be a part of the greater galaxies— —and these aliens who have lived among you shall be the first to feel our justice! For having dared fraternize with you — for pretending to live among you in peace — these traitors shall die!
    Linkara: What human crawled up your ass and died that you care so much about other aliens hanging out with them?
    Dr. Thirteen: Is that really Superman, Olsen? He looks like he's in such pain.
    Olsen: That's him, Doc — which means this is not mass hysteria.
    Linkara: [as Dr. Thirteen] ...Unless you're part of the delusion, too, Olsen! This could all be some hallucination I'm having! THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?! TELL ME THE TRUTH, DAMMIT!!
• We cut to Jones and Bobo falling out of the portal they just took:
  Captions: Someplace else, but no place you've ever heard of:
  Linkara: [as the captions] The Hipster Dimension.
  • After Olsen and Dr. Thirteen fall on top of Jones, they compare notes, only to be interrupted by an alien guard:
    Alien: We had not thought any Earthmen had the resources to invade the Plane of Holes—
    Archer: So, we're just done with "phrasing", right? That's not a thing anymore?
• The post-credits stinger:
  Dr. Thirteen: [following Olsen into a portal] I'm with you, Olsen — hopelessly confused— —but with youuuuu...
  Linkara: Yeah, that about sums up DC Challenge! so far.

699: Comic Book Quickies #11

• Linkara brings up how the short lengths of these episodes allows him to stop whenever he wants, which is helpful for giving him more time to work on his "hundredth episodes":
  Linkara: Not that that has ever actually worked out, and my schedule continues to slip so that I've had to reschedule two episodes to next year in the vain hope that I can get back on schedule again. Remember when I had a schedule that I stuck to for years? [chuckles] I'm slowly deteriorating before you all.
• Our first story is a Hostess Fruit Pies ad titled "Batman and the Captive Commissioner":
  Linkara: Oh, God, the Fruit Pies are holding Commissioner Gordon hostage!
  Captions: Commissioner Gordon has been captured by the 3 Svengali Brothers, underworld figures.
  Linkara: I wish this had been the 3 Svengoolie Brothers; that would've been more appropriate for Longbox's tenth anniversary.
  Captions: Without its commissioner, Gotham City is in total chaos.
  Linkara: And indeed, we see looters and rioting going wild in the background of this panel. So it turns out Spider-Man didn't need the "good vibes" cannon at the end of Maximum Carnage; I guess if you put Commissioner Gordon into a city, it'll keep everything in line.
  • Two of the Svengali Brothers take Batman to their hideout using a self-driving car:
    Svengali Brother 1: Don't try nuthin, Batman! This car is computerized to take you to our hideout, no matter what you do!
    Linkara: [as Batman] My God, OnStar! Why do you betray me?!
    Batman: In that case, let's enjoy some snacks!
    Linkara: [as Batman] You guys like Doritos? I like Doritos. [eats one] So... superstitious, cowardly lot, huh? How's that going for you?
    • Thanks to distracting them with the Fruit Pies, Batman and Robin manage to knock out the Svengali Brothers and save Gordon:
      Gordon: Batman, you've done it again!
      Batman: Let's say I had a little bit of help from Hostess!
      Linkara: [as Batman] Also from self-driving cars; they should totally be more of a thing! We only injured four pedestrians on the way, and two of those were on the sidewalk we drove onto! [beat] Don't ask about the one red SUV...
• The first two entries to The Super Dictionary:
  • When That Guy With the Hat discusses the entry "Buzz", he makes the obvious suggestion as to what's happening: "Bees. My God."
  • When "Finger" says that Green Lantern has five fingers, but only one ring, TGWtH looks to the side to see the infamous cover from Emerald Twilight with a grinning Hal Jordan wearing a bunch of rings on his fingers.
• Linkara next reads a mini-comic advertising DC's subscription service featuring Superman:
  Tommy: Gee, I'm sorry, Superman! We're all sold out of this month's DC's again!
  Superman: Thanks anyway, Tommy!
  Linkara: [as Superman] But now, I have to fly around the Earth really fast and reverse time; I need my copy of Legion of Super-Heroes, and I'm not letting some punk kid get it instead!
  Superman: [thinking] I'll go see my friend Carol at DC. She'll know what to do.
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Uses his celebrity status for his own personal benefit!
  Superman: Without your help, Carol, I'd have a hard time getting my favorite titles!
  Linkara: [as Carol] Wait, couldn't you have just flown to another newsstand? I mean, you are Superman; you could check every one of them on the East Coast in seconds.
• Linkara checks out another mini-comic featuring Batman:
  Batman: The facts are clear, Commissioner Gordon. The demand for DC comics is greater than the supply.
  Linkara: [as Batman] The Joker has threatened to blow up a hospital if he doesn't get his copy of Weird War Tales!
  Gordon: I hope you can find a solution, Batman. The kids are counting on you!
  Linkara: [as Batman] The hell are you looking at me for?! You're the one who apparently keeps this city from going nuts!
  • Thankfully, Batman knows where to go for answers:
    Batman: [thinking] To get the real story, I'll go to the source! Carol Fein at DC is the person to see.
    Linkara: Carol Fein: the Oracle of the 80's.
    • After chatting with Carol about DC's subscription plan, Batman declares this "case" closed:
      Batman: Hmm... Now they come right to your door! Looks like the case is solved, Carol!
      Linkara: [as Batman] It's rock and roll's fault that DC comics haven't been hitting newsstands!
      Linkara: [as Carol] That is not what I was saying at all; I'm telling you you can get the comics from an alternative—
      Linkara: [as Batman] Yep, once again, Batman has discovered rock and roll's nefarious impact on media!
• Marvel's mini-comics advertising their subscription service involve an unlikely spokesperson:
  Doctor Doom: According to my calculations a year's worth of any 50¢ monthly Marvel comic would cost $6.00!
  Doomkara: Only Doom can do basic math like that! Suck it, Richards!
  Doctor Doom: Even if you subscribe at the standard rate, four of your favorite titles cost a big $24.00 per year! Even the Fantastic Four can't escape that fact!
  Doomkara: Can OfficeMax supply you with Marvel comics, Richards?! NO! This is why Doom wins!
  Doctor Doom: But I'm Doctor Doom — and I'm offering a super-special deal! Now you can order 4 titles for the price of 3! Pay only $15.00 — a big $9.00 savings over the regular rates!
  Doomkara: None can compete with Latveria's competitive prices! I am Doom, master of the savings!
  • As predicted, the Fantastic Four are impressed:
    Reed: I'd be a fool to argue with that logic! [thinking] Then again, it may be a trap!
    Linkara: So you're going to get people to sign up for your subscription service... by having a supervillain promote it... and then have the heroes say that it could be an evil scheme... and you shouldn't necessarily trust it? [beat] Okay, I see why DC had Carol Fein handle this.
• Linkara gives us an early dose of Mr. T goodness by looking at the mini-comic on the back of Mr. T cereal boxes:
  Mr. T: Hey kids, start your day the Mr. T way!
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Grab the three nearest children to you and hug them like I am!
• Linkara gives his customary summary of the comics we looked at this episode:
  Linkara: So, what did we learn today, my friends? Well, we learned that Commissioner Gordon is vital for peace in Gotham, that Carol Fein is vital for distributing DC comic subscriptions, and that Mr. T is a vital part of your balanced breakfast... and God help you if you should disrupt that.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Doomkara: Doom offers the greater comic subscription package, Batman! You cannot compete with Doom's flawless logic!
  Linkara: [as Batman] I have no time for your buffoonery, Doctor Doom! Rock and roll is trying to disrupt comics distribution!
  Doomkara: They are? Of course! My mortal enemies, the band KISS! They did this!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Wait, you hate rock and roll, too? [beat] This may be the start of a beautiful friendship...

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