Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2023 Episodes 733 - 751

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733: PATREON: Green Lantern Vol. 3 #48-50: "Emerald Twilight"

• Linkara explains that this story is the result of events featured in The Death of Superman, where the Cyborg Superman teamed up with Mongul and destroyed Green Lantern's hometown of Coast City in the process:
  Linkara: Alec and Shanna, the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids, remain unaccounted for.
• Issue 48 opens with Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, kneeling in a pile of rubble:
  Captions: This is Hal Jordan.
  Linkara: [as the captions] I hope you're taking notes, because this will be on the test.
  Captions: He's a Green Lantern. Maybe the best Green Lantern.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But this sandcastle he's building is not going well.
  Captions: This is a hole in the ground.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Do we need to go back and review what we've learned so far?
  Captions: It's twelve miles in diameter. Roughly. It's a very big hole.
  Marv: Wow... What a hole.
  Captions: But not even close to the size of the hole in Hal Jordan's life. Not by far.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Although, definitely as big as the hole in his bank account now, because this is where he kept all his stuff.
  Captions: You see, this hole used to be Coast City, home to a great deal Hal Jordan held dear. This was the place Hal Jordan grew up, where he worshipped at the shrine he called Father, where he first knew love.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Admittedly, it's kind of weird that his first love was a statue of his dad, b-but we're trying to be sympathetic here.
  Captions: This was the place he started to become the man he is. But that's all gone now — expunged by a madman's dreams of conquest. And all that's left is... well... a hole.
  Linkara: [as the captions] There was a hole here. It's gone now-- Oh, wait, there it is.
  • Hal uses his ring to create a dome around the remains of Coast City, and is visited by a vision of his late father Martin, where he says he wanted him to say how proud he was of him and his accomplishments:
    "Martin": Good Lord, Hal, that was a long time—
    Hal: Just once! But you hardly knew I was alive.
    Linkara: [as Hal] My God, how crappy was our relationship if even this fake construct of you that I made is still being a dick to me?!
    • Hal next sees a vision of his mother Jessica, who tells him to let go of his negative emotions surrounding his past mistakes lest the guilt consume him:
      "Jessica": Move on, Hal, and take the memories — the good ones — with you. Be satisfied... ...with the memories...
      Linkara: [as "Jessica"] The memories of us both being dead, and your father not giving you the time of day, and the memory of your hometown being destr-- Okay, I would like a do-over of my speech...
• Hal pushes his will to make an idyllic recreation of Coast City:
  Captions: It would be tempting, wouldn't it? All it would take, really, is the will. Oh, certainly every last vestige of willpower that could be summoned. But it would be tempting. Think of it.
  Linkara: Uh, Narrator, you might want to get caught up; it looks like he's already doing it.
  Captions: The power to resurrect that which no longer exists... or create that which only exists in the mind's eye.
  Linkara: ["summoning his willpower"] Bring back Arby's Potato Cakes, dammit! BRING THEM BAAAAACK!!
  Captions: The power to make the dead live again... ...to redress any wrong... ...to rewrite history with a happy ending.
  Linkara: And we see a girl kissing a boy on the cheek in this panel. Yeah, that originally went down with her kneeing him in the crotch; happier ending, really.
  Captions: The power to be God.
  Linkara: Eh, sounds good, but then you get the electric bill, and...
• As the Coast City construct dissipates due to his ring running out of energy, Hal is given a warning by a projection of one of the Guardians of the Universe:
  Guardian: Your power ring's time limit has expired.
  Hal: So give me more. I need to bring everything back!
  Guardian: Out of the question, 2814.
  Linkara: [as the Guardian] But perhaps if you paid these microtransactions, you could get that power now. [grins]
  • The Guardian tells Hal he is being summoned to Oa for a disciplinary hearing due to him using his ring for personal gain; as the Guardian tells him to surrender his ring and prepare for transport, Hal suddenly uses the ring to leech the energy from the projection, giving the ring a recharge:
    Hal: Oh, I'll come back to Oa all right... ...but you're not going to like me when I get there.
    Linkara: Eh, I don't know; opinion polls on Oa say 75% are in favor of giving the middle finger to ancient authority figures who keep being assholes.
• Despite his misgivings on the event overall, Linkara has to admit the cover to issue 49 is pretty cool, featuring Hal sporting a sinister grin as he flashes his collection of rings from the Green Lanterns he defeated:
  Linkara: [grinning while flashing his own set of rings] I HAVE DEVOURED ALL THESE RING POPS!
• Speaking of issue 49, we open on Hal flying through space, even though space doesn't usually have red squiggles everywhere:
  Linkara: Space has varicose veins...
  Captions: Too bad it had to happen this way.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But we're kind of committed now, and skipping a couple of months on an unpopular book to try to figure out a new plan would just be silly.
  • The captions remind us that a Green Lantern like Hal and grief stemming from personal tragedy make for a very dangerous combination:
    Captions: So he set off for Oa, intent on obtaining vast power from the Guardians, so that he might recreate all he had lost. Truly, a mad errand.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Especially since he forgot to pack a snack.
    Captions: Oa's overlords have long been loath to directly involve themselves in matters of even the direst consequences. Thus they created their pawns, their Green Lanterns, to act in their stead.
    Linkara: [as the captions] The Green Lanterns should really unionize against their managers' lazy behavior.
    • Two Green Lanterns, Ke'Haan and Laira, have been dispatched to stop Hal:
      Captions: ...both accomplished warriors of the Corps. I could've told them they weren't up to it.
      Linkara: Yeah, but you're the narrator; everything to you is in hindsight.
• On Oa, the Guardians discuss the ensuing massacre and how they should have seen it coming given Hal's resourcefulness:
  Guardian: Ganthet... Brothers... Please. This squabbling is unseemly for such a trivial matter...
  Linkara: [as the Guardian] One of our members has gone rogue, swearing to steal our power, and has murdered two accomplished warriors sent to stop him; what's the big D?
  • Speaking of Hal:
    Captions: Hal Jordan must confront even those to whom he is closest.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Or at least, the ones introduced in the last two years.
    Captions: Were he not nearly blinded by his obsession, would these acts wreak havoc with his conscience? I rather like to think so.
    Linkara: [as the captions] I wonder if we're going to spend the next ten-plus years studying his guilt?
• As the Guardians enact a last-ditch plan to stop Hal, Hal has to face his old instructor, Kilowog:
  Hal: You can't beat me, Kilowog. You can see how I'm armed.
  Linkara: Okay, but to be fair, you just proved with Boodikka how easy it is to disarm someone. [grins]
  Kilowog: Didn't I teach ya nothing? It's the warrior, not his weapons.
  Linkara: See, you say that, but then someone brings a gun to a knife fight.
  Captions: It can happen to anyone, really... even to the best of us. It weighs upon you... ...the responsibility of wielding one of the most awesome weapons in the universe... ...literally billions of lives dependent upon you. And what do you get in return? Well... not much, frankly.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Merchandising rights, at least.
• With the power rings of his former comrades now in his possession, Hal goes to the Guardians to confront them; this is when they enact their plan, as Hal now has to fight his old friend and mentor, Sinestro:
  Linkara: And they gave him those spiffy robes to wear; you can't fault the Guardians of the Universe and their fashion sense.
• Issue 50 picks up where the last one left off:
  Sinestro: Almost amusing, isn't it? You returning as the prodigal son, and me held up as Oa's last hope? The irony is delicious...
  Linkara: [as Sinestro] Also, kind of baffling logic, since, well, you have repeatedly defeated me.
  • After Sinestro claims that nothing has changed and Hal is still "one of the good guys", Hal blasts him:
    Sinestro: My my my. Aren't you a grim little fellow.
    90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! That is the grim and gritty that makes this story SO AWESOOOOOME!
• Sinestro ultimately proves no match for Hal as he snaps his neck without the use of any power rings; just as Hal approaches the Central Power Battery, he is ambushed by a recovered Kilowog:
  Kilowog: Can't let ya kill anybody else.
  Hal: Kilowog! I didn't... didn't kill the Corps. Just took their rings. Because... I needed their power.
  Linkara: [as Hal] And now with them, I— [looks at his hand] Oh crap, I didn't pick up the rings again! And more Lanterns could probably take me down now!
  • Hal reduces Kilowog to a skeleton and, after some token threats of punishment by the Guardians, enters the Central Power Battery to absorb all its energy:
    Guardian 1: Thusly it ends? We simply allow him to expunge our grand design? Brothers, are we too atrophied to save ourselves, or preserve the doctrine by which we have guided the universe?
    Guardian 2: Yes. It is done.
    Linkara: [as Guardian 2] Look, I only got, like, three hours of sleep last night, and I am just not ready to deal with this; I'm knocking off for the rest of the day.
    • After the Guardians transfer their powers to Ganthet and die, Hal emerges from the now-drained Central Power Battery as Parallax, crushing his old power ring before flying off:
      Ganthet: I grieve for you, brothers, though we disagreed bitterly more often than not. I fear, however, there is little time for eulogies.
      Linkara: [as Ganthet] So I'll make this quick: I always hated you all, and now that I'm in charge, there are going to be some changes around here. For starters, Friday is now "Silly Hat Day".
      Linkara: He picks up the remains of Hal's ring.
      Ganthet: Our greatest champion, yet we did not stand by him in his need. Our unwavering adherence to our edicts has prevented the slightest compassion.
      Linkara: [as Ganthet] If we all ever come back to life in the future, we'd better make sure we never make that mistake again, boy howdy.
• With a reforged power ring, Ganthet heads to Earth, where a man named Kyle Rayner sees him as a green streak of light in the sky:
  Kyle: Leave the dance floor to get some air and you never know what's going to happen.
  Linkara: Lesson learned, Kyle: never go dancing.
  • Ganthet lands in front of Kyle and gives him the power ring:
    Kyle: What am I supposed to do with it?
    Ganthet: What you must.
    Linkara: [as Kyle, holding the ring] Is this a marriage proposal?
    • After Ganthet leaves, Kyle puts on the ring, transforming him into the new Green Lantern and ending the story:
      Kyle: Oh man... ...I think my life just got a lot more complicated.
      Linkara: [as Kyle] Well, on the plus side, my abs look great in this!
• The first post-credits stinger:
  Kyle: Oh man... ...I think my life just got a lot more complicated.
  Linkara: [as Kyle, taking off the ring] Screw this! Homeless guy, you want this ring?

734: PATREON: Back to the Future #13-17: "Who Is Marty McFly?"

• Issue 13 begins with Marty rehearsing with his band, but confusion begins to sprout as the song, inspired by a camping trip they took, mentions them taking the bus when the other members remember taking Marty's truck:
  Band Member: Look, this is rock 'n' roll, not a documentary. It doesn't have to be real, but if you're going to make stuff up... ...at least make it cooler.
  Linkara: Taking the bus; truly, the lamest of transportation methods.
• Marty looks over some old photos and a video of his aunt's wedding to see how much of his past he remembers, and is soon joined by his father George:
  Marty: How much of your life can you remember?
  George: From when I was small?
  Marty: From whenever.
  George: I'm a writer, Marty! We observe and record.
  Linkara: Dude, I've been doing this job for 15 years; I sometimes forget what episode I wrote, recorded, and edited last week!
  • They go on a walk, and Marty tries to explain his situation without bringing up his time travel escapades:
    Marty: You ever think of what could have happened if you hadn't stood up to Biff?
    George: Well, I don't think I'd have married your mother, for one thing.
    Marty: Maybe you would have, but it would have been...
    Linkara: [as Marty] Pathetic, bordering on contemptuous for each other as you cared more about some old sitcom than you did your wife recounting your early romance.
    Marty: ...Maybe you wouldn't understand how things got to be like they are. And the whole world would be different.
    Linkara: [as Marty] We'd have different couches, Dad! Different couches!
    • George discusses the concept of having one's past changed through metaphor, saying time is like a river, permanently flowing in one direction, but there are also branching timelines, demonstrated through a nearby playground:
      George: ...If you choose one slide you end up at a completely different place than if you chose the other.
      Linkara: [as George] And if you chose the metal slide, then you'll be in agony from this different place.
      Marty: So... ...if time changed, and you didn't, you wouldn't be the real you? If the timeline is always changing... ...did the future happen before the past...?
      Tom Servo: That means lunch won't be till yesterday!
• George takes Marty to the church to visit Father O'Flaherty, where Marty asks if someone would still be the same in God's eyes if someone else went back in time and changed the past:
  O'Flaherty: Oh, Marty — it's a good thing that's not possible. There are no "re-dos." That's fine for a story, I suppose, but the idea of it— —of second-guessing the divine plan, of avoiding the consequences of your actions— —that's blasphemous.
  Linkara: [as O'Flaherty] I mean, you don't want to hear about what happened when King David got his hands on a hot tub time machine, Marty.
• Marty meets with Jennifer to discuss his situation, saying he's the same, but everything's changed:
  Marty: Or... I guess that's not true. You had a Marty but... Jennifer, I'm not sure that I'm that same Marty!
  Linkara: [as Marty] Admittedly, I still fit into that Marty's pants, so that's a plus.
  • On their way home, they pass by Doc Brown's house, where they discover the burglar alarm has been tripped; after entering the house, Marty finds a message left inside a pneumatic capsule:
    Note: IT'S TIME WE HAD A TALK -A FRIEND IN TIME
    Linkara: [as the note] You see, when two time-travelers love each other very much...
• In issue 14, Marty and Jennifer discuss the note, with Jennifer thinking the note was intended for Doc Brown:
  Jennifer: Doc's out gallivanting around the timestream — he could have made enemies.
  Linkara: [as Jennifer] Teddy Roosevelt did once mysteriously write that he was going to "kick Doc Brown's ass" next time he saw him...
  Marty: "Gallivanting"?
  Jennifer: I was paying attention in class.
  Marty: You might be right.
  Linkara: [as Marty] I should be paying more attention to vocabulary lessons rather than time travel shenanigans.
• Marty eventually meets the author of the note, Professor Marcus Irving, who knows about Marty's adventures and posits that Marty is in fact in an alternate timeline; they drive to a storage unit, where Professor Irving unveils his own time machine:
  Marty: You're trying to tell me... ...you built a time machine... ...out of a Yugo?
  Linkara: Okay, but to be fair, Marty, the Yugo lasted a lot longer in the market than the DeLorean.
  • Irving recounts his story, saying he was recruited by the military during the Cold War to research time travel, but was fired in January 1986 after failing to come up with significant results; he learned that he was actually the military's second choice, with the first being Doc Brown, who turned them down:
    Irving: I don't know what aggravated me more — that I was a second choice... ...or that, by saying "no," Brown had condemned me to a life of fruitless labor.
    Linkara: True, but you did get government funding for, like, 24 years; that's pretty stable employment, all things considered.
    • After a nightmare involving the version of himself from the current timeline, Marty writes a letter to Doc Brown asking for his help as Irving gets out of sight:
      Irving: Never can be too careful.
      Linkara: Too careful of what, Professor? [beat] Saaay, you wouldn't happen to be a villain, would you?
• Doc Brown quickly arrives on Marty's doorstep, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and mummy wrappings:
  Doc Brown: Marty! Is it something from the past?! Or the future?!
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Or both?! As you can see from my wrappings, I just got back from a fight with the greatest enemy modern-day America has ever encountered: ANCIENT EGYPT! [cue the Imperial March over the pyramids]
  • Marty explains his fears about the alternate version of himself coming back while he ceases to exist, and Doc Brown says he had the same concerns about himself, since the Doc Brown in the 1985 where Biff took over has ceased to exist and a previous version of him also died:
    Doc Brown: Did he die in a hail of gunfire? This bothers me — as a scientist... and human being.
    Linkara: [as Doc Brown] I admit, I've always kind of wanted to get shot to see what it felt like, Marty... for science! I could ask myself about it...
    • After Marty brings up Professor Irving, Doc Brown immediately grows worried:
      Doc Brown: Great Scott! Come along, Marty — we haven't a moment to lose!
      Marty: You know him?!
      Doc Brown: From reputation only — he's another temporal researcher... but one without my clear sense of right and wrong. Additionally, his science is specious, at best—
      Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Did you hear that he wanted to make a time machine out of a Yugo?! What an idiot!
• After Marty and Doc Brown find that Irving has stolen the DeLorean's tires and the flux capacitor, Doc Brown declares they'll find him, unaware that Marty is being dragged away by duplicates of himself:
  Linkara: "Across the Marty-Verse".
• Issue 15 picks up where the last one left off, with Doc Brown seeing the multiple Martys:
  Doc Brown: Great Scott — the timestream has turned in on itself!
  Mike Nelson: Space is warped and time is bendable.
  • As the other Martys begin to make their escape, Marty warns Doc Brown about chasing after them, saying this mess is all his fault:
    Doc Brown: Nonsense, Marty — —just— —I'll be right— —I'm not getting any closer.
    Linkara: It's called "sequential art", Doc; just wait for the next panel.
    • Doc Brown gives chase using the DeLorean's hover upgrades from 2015:
      Doc Brown: At least from this altitude I'll appear to be a simple helicopter. The human mind has a tremendous capacity to ignore that which cannot be...
      Linkara: Easy, Doc; you're channeling Sylvester McCoy from the review I'm going to be doing in November.
• Marty talks to his kidnappers and understands why they're after him; he says the silent treatment from them is unbearable and that if he vanishes, they might, too:
  Marty: You lived your whole life and had dreams and ambitions and hopes. And I took that world away when I came back.
  Linkara: Admittedly, by not changing it, then your world wouldn't have existed, then, but... really, I'm the asshole, here.
  • Marty wonders if the version of him with the stiff hand came from the timeline where he broke his hand in a car accident during a race with Needles, losing the ability to play guitar:
    Marty: You're a version of me who shouldn't exist. Yet, you do. And it's all my fault. No wonder you want to get rid of me.
    Linkara: ...So, where's the Eric Stoltz version for the true original timeline?
• Another Marty has managed to grab onto the DeLorean and fights Doc Brown... who rips his face off:
  Doc Brown: Great Scott. You're not Marty!
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Jason Bateman?! What are you doing here?!
  • He finds the warehouse Marty is being kept in and crashes through the wall, blasting the other Martys with a futuristic gun:
    Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Marty! I've found a more efficient way of producing 1.21 gigawatts!
• In issue 16, Doc Brown pontificates about the Marty robot, given that it's made with future technology and any serious attempt to kill someone from the past would radically alter the timeline, but Marty isn't so sure given what he knows about Irving:
  Marty: If he has a time machine, he could be recklessly galavanting through the whole... timeline.
  Doc Brown: "Galavanting"? I'm pleased you're paying attention in school, at least.
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Although, I suspect that in the year 2023, a spell-check system in Microsoft Word won't recognize that spelling and go for "gallivant" with an "I" instead!
  Doc Brown: We do need to stop the robot. You wouldn't happen to have an electromagnet on you by any chance?
  Marty: Why would I?
  Doc Brown: Marty — I don't know what a teenage boy in the 1980s does for fun.
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Especially because the Game Boy hasn't been invented yet!
• After Doc Brown gets knocked out by the robot, an older version of Irving appears and reveals parts of his scheme to Marty; he takes them to the Pleistocene era to get rid of them, but a seemingly delirious Doc Brown tells Marty that if they get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, his fast food diet will make them sick:
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Marty! I know we're about to be eaten, but I just ate at Wendy's; at least when we die, the animal that killed us will get its comeuppance!
  • Marty thinks that this is what he deserves for messing with the timeline so much, but Doc Brown has none of it:
    Doc Brown: Marty — listen. I hate to throw water on your argument—
    Linkara: [as Doc Brown] But that is the dumbest thing I've heard today; why are you my assistant?
    • To escape the prehistoric animals coming after them, Marty and Doc Brown leap into a nearby river, Doc Brown using his wrappings to lasso a rock:
      Doc Brown: Those rejuvenation clinics do wonders — Do you have any idea how old I am, Marty?
      Linkara: [as Doc Brown] I'm basically a Time Lord from Doctor Who now, Marty! I just need to perfect my accent!
• Thanks to Doc Brown's bluffing, Irving takes the two of them to his hideout in the year 1997, which contains technology up to 2008:
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] My God, Marty, look! Two different generations of Furbies!
  • Marty asks how Irving managed to give the robots identical clothing to him:
    Irving: I found your photographs on the Internet.
    Marty: The Inter-what?
    Doc Brown: I've heard of it, Marty, in the future.
    Linkara: [as Doc Brown] There's so much porn, Marty! So much porn we've never dreamed of!
• In issue 17, after escaping from Irving, Marty wishes to look into the future to see what happens to him, but Doc Brown advises against it; while investigating Irving's lab, Marty comes to the conclusion that the major difference between him and Irving is that he and Doc Brown looking after each other while Irving's all alone, even after creating a robot replica of his sister to shower him with compliments:
  Linkara: Oh God, Irving is actually Lex Luthor from the Superboy show, isn't he?
• Back in 1986, Marty and Doc Brown run into the younger Irving and explain how he changes in the future; after the older Irving sends his robots to attack him, Marty exclaims that he knows who he is now because the choices we make turn us into them:
  Marty: I'm me because of everything I've done... in any timeline! Even the things nobody knows anymore— —those things make me Marty McFly.
  Linkara: [as Marty] That and this vest; it's a very distinctive fashion sense that nobody does unless they're trying to look like me.
  • Thanks to Marty's words, the younger Irving destroys the flux capacitor, erasing the older Irving and the robots from existence; however, Doc Brown is now trapped in 1986 until he can repair the DeLorean:
    Doc Brown: Fortunately, 1986 is not the most hostile of eras.
    Linkara: [as Doc Brown] Stay away from 2020, Marty! 2016 to it are bad enough, but especially stay away from 2020!
• Later, Marty talks to Jennifer in the diner about his recent experiences, with Doc Brown and Irving tagging along; Doc Brown hopes that Irving will turn the Yugo over to the proper authorities so its nuclear components can be properly disposed of:
  Doc Brown: Not everyone can be trusted with unlicensed nuclear reactors.
  Linkara: [as Doc Brown] There are some radical scientists I need to go visit in New York soon, Marty...
  • The story ends with Marty saying this has given him an idea for a new song:
    Linkara: Unfortunately, it turns out he just ripped off a Genesis song by accident.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Marty: You made a remote control for a flying time car!?
  Doc Brown: Don't be ridiculous, Marty — it's a simple recall mechanism. Homes in on the controller, that's all. Extremely dangerous, unless you don't mind smashing everyone around you.
  Linkara: Oh, so Tesla auto-driving is still a thing in the future, I see.

735: Amalgam Comics Month: Super-Soldier #1

• According to the cover, Super-Soldier's outfit is more or less Captain America's costume with Superman's trunks and "S" symbol on the shield:
  Linkara: [as Superman] On my world, this symbol means "America".
• The story begins with a typed report describing events from 1938:
  Report: "The SPACE ROCKET landed in 1938. No one knew where it had COME from. Nothing IN it SURVIVED."
  Linkara: [as a soldier] Pretty sure that bit right there is a space chicken of some kind.
  Report: "Still, the U.S. ARMY took CELLULAR SAMPLES from the corpse WITHIN — EXPERIMENTED with them— —and — by the time WORLD WAR TWO began — ADDED them to their experimental 'SUPER-SOLDIER' formula, hoping to create a champion of LIBERTY."
  Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
  Linkara: [as a scientist] Yeah, we found a dead baby alien a few years ago, took some of its DNA, and put it in our super-juice drugs. [beat] That's not weird, is it?
• Super-Soldier almost single-handedly won World War II for the Allies in 1942, but the Nazis unveiled a robot super-weapon called "Ultra-Metallo"; during their final battle over the North Atlantic, both of them fell into the icy water and vanished without a trace:
  Report: "America's CHAMPION... my FRIEND... was GONE... ...leaving me with the STORY of the CENTURY... and an UNGODLY moral dilemma."
  Linkara: [as the writer] Which studio should I sell the story rights to? All the offers are so huge! But am I too greedy to ask for an extra million?
  • As it happens, Lex Luthor was months away from perfecting the "K-Bombs" that would end the war, but the Allies decided to hold off on deploying them on the assumption that Super-Soldier was still around:
    Linkara: Although, if Lex Luthor is the one developing these weapons, does this mean Luthor got the big-budget Christopher Nolan movie talking about it? In this reality, though, instead of the Barbie movie being up against it, it's Steffi Love. Come to think of it, Barbie is a Marvel character, so who did she get merged with in Amalgam?
• Fifty years later, reporter Jimmy Olsen has been taken hostage by Hydra, where their leader complains about the newspapers proclaiming Super-Soldier retired to anonymity instead of revealing the truth:
  Hydra Leader: Ultra-Metallo was, in fact, a success... ...Almost. After all, Super-Soldier wasn't dead, was he? Recently, he's resurfaced... young as ever...
  Linkara: No, no, no, you're thinking of when they tried to keep telling stories about him after the war, but had him fight communism instead of Nazis; it was a failure, and they retconned that out to be a different guy.
  • The Hydra leader reveals himself to be none other than Lex Luthor... who's looking quite a bit greener than normal:
    Riddler: That's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking.
• Over at the Daily Planet, Sharon Carter calls out Clark Kent for spelling her name wrong:
  Sharon: "Sharon Crater"?
  Linkara: [as Sharon] Considering I'm from Coast City, Clark, that's really insensitive!
  • Suddenly, Jimmy stumbles in, remarking how he managed to escape Hydra thanks to some fight training from Super-Soldier before collapsing from his injuries:
    Linkara: God, healthcare's so bad that even in the Amalgam Universe, he went to work instead of a hospital.
    • Before passing out, Jimmy secretly gives a broken wristwatch to Clark while whispering something about "Washington at four"; as his coworkers tend to Jimmy, Clark slips out and changes into Super-Soldier, where we learn he apparently keeps his shield inside his briefcase:
      Linkara: Not for superhero things; he just prefers to write things down on the back of the shield instead of on a notepad. He flies off.
      Super-Soldier: [thinking] Damn you, Luthor. Five decades. That's how long I was frozen until the JLA found me — thawed me out—
      Linkara: [as Super-Soldier] Realized I had gone off, so threw me out, went to the store, and got a new one of me.
      Super-Soldier: [thinking] —into a world without justice.
      Linkara: [as Super-Soldier] I don't care what he renamed it as; I'm still calling it "Twitter"!
• Super-Soldier flies to Washington, D.C. in preparation for what's supposed to happen at 4:00, but sees no sign of Hydra until he spots the Washington Monument:
  Linkara: Wherein a Special Tree reaches out and zaps Super-Soldier into Wonderland to hang out with Virginia Arnoldson.
  • Super-Soldier busts into the Hydra base and begins beating up the goons, who stay mum as to what they wanted with Jimmy:
    Linkara: Yeah, sorry, Super-Soldier; they're just extras. They have to be paid more to have a line.
• Luthor reveals himself to Super-Soldier, surprising him by being so willing to be exposed:
  Luthor: It must be thrilling for you. I imagine you'll want to tell the whole world.
  Super-Soldier: I can guarantee they'll read about it in the papers.
  Linkara: [as Super-Soldier] Or at least, they'll see you in the next Fallout game, because yeesh.
  • Super-Soldier then gets knocked down by his old nemesis, Ultra-Metallo:
    Luthor: Look what we stumbled across last week while trawling the north seas.
    Linkara: [as Luthor] It's a good thing I have a really stealthy giant robot that was able to sneak up on you!
    • Super-Soldier figures out that Ultra-Metallo has been outfitted with a K-Bomb and is rigged to blow once it reaches the White House:
      Super-Soldier: [thinking] —and Washington, D.C. turns to ash!
      Linkara: And somehow, like the Christopher Reeve movies, it'll still be about real estate schemes.
• While fighting Ultra-Metallo, Super-Soldier suspects something about it is sapping his strength, so he punches the robot in the swastika symbol and gets blasted with a heavy dose of radiation from the K-Bomb:
  Luthor: Hurts, doesn't it? Radiation's a bear.
  Linkara: [in a Groucho Marx impression] Well, I never assumed it'd be a twink, but still. [rimshot]
  • Luthor explains that the radiation comes from a meteorite that landed near the alien rocket ship the Army discovered back in 1938:
    Luthor: I like to call it the Kansas Lode — "Green K" for short.
    Linkara: Okay, but how do you get "Green K" from "Kansas Lode" as a shorthand? Wouldn't it make more sense to call it "K Lode"?
    Luthor: For the longest time, I didn't know what to do with it.
    Linkara: [as Luthor] Just kinda shoved it in my junk drawer and forgot about it.
    Luthor: I injected some into my bloodstream, which prolonged my miserable life...
    Linkara: Between this and the alien DNA in the Super-Soldier serum, what the hell is it with these people and injecting themselves with random stuff that fell from the sky?! What was your second plan for this stuff, Luthor? A suppository?!
    • While trying to keep Ultra-Metallo intact so it can be linked back to Luthor, Super-Soldier gets tossed in front of the Lincoln Memorial:
      Luthor: Once the Oval Office becomes Ground Zero, America will happily turn to Lex Luthor and his fortune for leadership and aid.
      Linkara: Dammit, why did we ever amend the Constitution so that the presidential line of succession fell to "the weird green rich guy who invented nukes"?!
• Just as Ultra-Metallo gets within reach of the White House, Super-Soldier throws a pipe through its midsection, disabling the robot before it can detonate:
  Super-Soldier: [thinking] The pipes.
  Linkara: [as Super-Soldier] They're calling!
  Super-Soldier: [thinking] The ones I landed in whenever Metallo batted me aside. They were lead.
  Linkara: [as Super-Soldier] Which explains a lot about why politicians are so weird if they're drinking water from lead pipes.
  • After containing the K-Bomb within the pipe, Super-Soldier hurls it with all his might:
    Super-Soldier: [thinking] ...And throw it... ...Up... up... and away!
    Linkara: Where it took out a commercial airliner; thanks, Super-Soldier! [gives a thumbs-up]
    • Luthor tries to detonate the bomb remotely, but Super-Soldier calls his bluff by daring him to do it as the pipe lands right next to him:
      Luthor: No! It's not fair! I've waited fifty years for my chance to take you down! Fifty years!
      Linkara: Dude, it's not his fault you suck at picking up hobbies.
• After Clark checks in on Jimmy, he realizes that due to the fallout from the K-Bombs, a blanket of radiation has been created that affects only him:
  Clark: [thinking] In time, who knows what effect it might—
  Linkara: [as Clark] I might become radioactive! That can't be good!
  • The issue ends with Clark declaring that the war against Hydra is far from over:
    Clark: [thinking] Luthor's forces will no doubt rise again to plague mankind. But the day that war begins anew... the front lines will belong to Super-Soldier.
    Linkara: [as Clark] Who will sell them at a discount store when he realizes how many back taxes he owes.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Secret Service Agent: Wait! Look... Up in the sky!
  Linkara: [as the agent] Ha, made you look! Got one last prank in before we all died! Hehe... nailed it.

736: Amalgam Comics Month: Legends of the Dark Claw #1

• Linkara gives Dark Claw the nickname "Captain Edgelord", and it's not hard to see why, given the exaggerated spikes on his gauntlets, shoulders, boots, belt, and cowl, along with his claws having a serrated edge on them:
  Linkara: How his cape is not a tattered ruin after it keeps getting caught on all those things is the true mystery of this story.
• The story begins with Dark Claw in the printing room of a newspaper office about to attack his target:
  Dark Claw: "Black and white and red all over"— —It doesn't take a detective to figure out where your clue was pointing to, Hyena...
  Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Although, why you're referencing that one scene in the Vincent Price movie The Tingler is anyone's guess.
  • Just as Dark Claw is a fusion of Batman and Wolverine, we see that Hyena is a fusion of the Joker and Sabretooth as he shoots at our hero:
    Dark Claw: ...but how does the Gotham Gazette printing plant fit into your nefarious scheme?
    Hyena: That's for me to know and you to find out, Dark Claw!
    Linkara: [as Hyena] Let's just say there's going to be a lot more anti-vax and transphobic rhetoric from the opinion page from now on!
    • Dark Claw is curious why Hyena left him a clue in the first place, but he figures he won't get an answer anyway:
      Hyena: You were always such a humorless stick-in-the-mud!
      Linkara: Well, perhaps if your humor extended beyond grade school, Hyena...
      Hyena: So inflexible! You never want to play!!
      Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Dammit, Hyena! Just because I buy my action figures to be display pieces doesn't mean I hate playing!
• After recovering from being knocked into some equipment, Dark Claw checks in with his sidekick Sparrow, a fusion of the Tim Drake Robin and Jubilee, before resuming his chase:
  Hyena: Eat frolic frags, Cape-Man!
  Dark Claw: I thought you wanted to play!
  Linkara: [as Hyena] I am! We're playing catch!
  • Dark Claw catches up to Hyena and slashes him with his claws:
    Dark Claw: —How about tag?
    Hyena: Am I it—?
    Dark Claw: You're about to be a was!
    Hyena: Oh, my!! How uncharacteristically droll!!
    Linkara: You're just jealous because he has better material than you.
    Hyena: Have we been staying up late and watching The Comedy Channel?
    Linkara: Ohh, so in the Amalgam Universe, Comedy Central kept their old name as The Comedy Channel! A— Wait... Does that mean that some of the shows on it were merged, too? Was there some fusion of Mystery Science Theater and Short Attention Span Theater?
• Dark Claw has Hyena at his mercy:
  Dark Claw: This is the end of your stand-up routine, Hyena!
  Linkara: [as Hyena] Says you! Netflix has signed me on for three more specials!
  Dark Claw: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just cut your throat and drop you into traffic!
  Linkara: Well, mainly with those claws, I feel like you'd just end up hooking his body on; you can't shake him off to do the "drop into traffic" part. [beat] Also, because you might damage some innocent's car; no idea if insurance would cover that.
  • Unfortunately, Hyena calls upon his Pack to distract Dark Claw with a barrage of bullets and grenades, forcing him to flee and let Hyena go:
    Hyena: Keep blasting! He's running out of roof—! Aww! No more woof! Dawk Cwaw gonna fall down, go boom!
    Dark Claw: I'm no puddy tat, Hyena!
    Linkara: [as Dark Claw] I am, however, a stinker; I sweat a lot in this costume.
    • Thankfully, Sparrow arrives in a "Claw-Copter" just in time to rescue Dark Claw:
      Sparrow: You can say that again, old man!
      Dark Claw: Don't call me that!
      Sparrow: Look, you stuck me with Sparrow when I wanted to call myself Death Urge Overdrive—
      Linkara: Eh, sorry, Sparrow, but that's the name of my punk band.
• We next cut over to the "artsy-trendy section of Gotham":
  Linkara: You know, the gentrified section.
  • We see this universe's version of the Huntress breaking into an apartment while recording her observations:
    Huntress: [whispering] 11:45 PM. I have disabled the alarm system and I am now entering the penthouse loft of one Logan, techno-wizard, painter, sportsman, and walking enigma.
    Linkara: [as the Huntress] We really should have better descriptions for these people outside of what's on their business cards.
    Huntress: [whispering] I am in what appears to be his studio. A profusion of large, bold canvasses in his distinctive style; said by some critics to "possess the fury of feral slashes."
    Linkara: [as the Huntress] As an art critic, however, I deride this work as repetitive and lacking diversity of message or color choices.
    • As the Huntress moves upstairs, she remarks how Logan has pictures of himself as a child with his parents, even though his dossier claims he was an orphan raised in an institute in Alberta, as well as a photo of his time in the Royal Canadian Air Force with the future Hyena:
      Huntress: [whispering] That means he knew the mysterious Mr. Creed H. Quinn before the project—
      Linkara: "Creed H. Quinn"? Wait, does that mean that Hyena is also a fusion with Harley Quinn?
• The Huntress stumbles upon a closet full of Dark Claw costumes, revealing his identity to her; that doesn't matter much, though, as Dark Claw himself makes his entrance:
  Dark Claw: And you are the Huntress— —A.K.A. Carol Danvers!
  Linkara: Ah, of course! Naturally, a cosmic hero like Carol Danvers (who was going by the codename "Binary" at the time), who has energy powers, would be merged with the Huntress, a street-based superheroine who lacks powers and is an adjacent character to the Batman mythos. [beat] ...What?
  • After a brief scuffle, the Huntress explains to Dark Claw that she was at the apartment to investigate why Hyena and Logan seem to cross paths so often:
    Huntress: Logan, Creed, and four others went into a secret Canadian project back when there was still an evil empire to battle.
    Linkara: Given how random some of the fusions have been, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out the Soviet Union merged with Portugal in the Amalgam Universe.
    • Dark Claw explains that said secret project involved creating "a remorseless killing machine devoid of all human compassion":
      Dark Claw: A perfect weapon. They forgot one important thing about weapons.
      Linkara: [as Dark Claw] That the shooty bit should be aimed away from yourself.
      Dark Claw: They are usually inert objects that can't get up off a table and do harm by themselves.
      Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Usually, anyway; other times, they're squirrels with laser guns attached to their tails.
      Dark Claw: Their mistake was in creating a weapon with an imagination.
      Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Admittedly, the imagination thought up stuff like "energy drink tie-ins for reality shows" and "What if all instruction manuals were in Esperanto?"
• Before Dark Claw gets into his backstory, he beckons the Huntress to follow him to his secret lair... which noticeably lacks a pole to slide down:
  Dark Claw: Don't panic on me, Ms. Danvers—!
  Linkara: [as Dark Claw] I mean, I heard you could fly, so we should be fine, right? [beat] Right?
  Dark Claw: This is a pneumatic tube with an air-cushion at the bottom.
  Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Because I'm rich and kind of a weirdo.
  • According to Dark Claw, his hideout is called "the Barrow":
    Linkara: You know, I think they're going for the definition of "a large burial mound", but, as a wild card, they could mean that this is some kind of castrated pig. [beat] Or a wheelbarrow; whichever.
• After Dark Claw, Sparrow, and the Huntress deduce Hyena's plan to poison Air Force One as it leaves Gotham, they immediately head out to the airport, where Dark Claw infiltrates the plane through the nose wheel, worrying the Secret Service:
  Secret Service Agent: I want the Quarterback locked down tight in the tail of the plane!!
  Linkara: Ah, so in the Amalgam Universe, Bill Clinton merged with Brett Favre.
  • Dark Claw tries to warn them about Hyena's plot, but gets shot at in return, while Hyena himself emerges from under one of the plane's bathrooms and guns down an investigating agent:
    Hyena: This is no way to get a head, lad! This would probably put your career in the toilet— —that is, if you weren't already dead!!
    Linkara: Eh, better material, Hyena, but the last line was the best joke of all. This is still a superhero universe; he'll be back again in two months.
• Hyena tosses a sodium cyanide grenade at the President, and to vent the gas from the plane, Dark Claw is forced to tear open a hole in the fuselage, which forces him and Hyena out due to the explosive decompression; while Hyena pulls open his parachute, Dark Claw is rescued by Sparrow with the Claw-Copter in the nick of time:
  Sparrow: Did I do good?
  Dark Claw: You did aces, kid...
  Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Though, I'm pretty sure that's Huntress falling to the ground now because of your little maneuver... [beat] Eh, seven out of ten.
  • The issue ends with Dark Claw ordering Sparrow to swing around so he can get another shot at Hyena:
    Caption: Next issue: This Claw, This Crossbow!
    Linkara: This... comic sucks.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Dark Claw: Good thing aircraft aluminum is no match for adamantium!
  Linkara: Unfortunately, the rest of his body is much squishier than the aircraft aluminum, and the adamantium is all that's left.

737: Amalgam Comics Month: Spider-Boy #1

• According to the cover, Spider-Boy shoots his webs out of an actual gun:
  Linkara: [singing] Spider-Boy, Spider-Boy! Pistol-thwipping you, Spider-Boy!
• We open on Spider-Boy firing his web-shooter at a chalk-white monster named "Bizarnage":
  Captions: Because YOU demanded it! A new comic featuring the AWESOME ARACH-KID in: BIG TROUBLE!
  Linkara: Okay, I'm on the edge on whether "Arach-Kid" is a great or worse nickname, because on one hand, alliteration; on the other hand, said out loud, it sounds like they're saying "kid from the country Iraq".
  Bizarnage: Me want to be like you, Spider-Boy! But there am only one Spider-Boy!
  Linkara: [as Bizarnage] Me must increase output in order to meet sales demands!
  • Naturally, Spider-Boy has other ideas:
    Spider-Boy: Y'know — you just can't argue with logic like that!
    Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
    Spider-Boy: And here I thought I was protecting the genetic research facilities of Project Cadmus from a deranged D.N.Alien bent on death and destruction!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] And here I thought I was providing exposition!
• Bizarnage breaks free from Spider-Boy's webbing and declares that he will die:
  Spider-Boy: Me — I'm too young to have a deathwish! See — someday people'll think of these as the adventures of Spider-Man when he was a boy! You hearse me now, and— [aside] —and my merchandising'll go through the roof, actually!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] My God, imagine how much money I'll have by the time they resurrect me...! Kill me now, Bizarnage!
  • Bizarnage turns his attention to Director Harper, the man in charge of Project Cadmus:
    Bizarnage: Me Bizarnagize him!
    Jack Burton: Are you crazy? Is that your problem?
    Bizarnage: Me become Cadmuzz Big Boss!
    Linkara: Oh, so I see we threw Metal Gear into the amalgamation, too.
    • Spider-Boy tricks Bizarnage into letting Director Harper go after he promises to stay still and open himself to attack, using the opportunity to lure Bizarnage into an energy containment cell:
      Spider-Boy: Yes! Yes! Yes! Welcome to the premiere of WBIZ — the All-Symbiote Channel!
      Linkara: And yet somehow, it's still just playing Teen Titans Go! 24 hours a day.
• Reed Richards and Senator Ben Grimm check on Johnny Storm to see if he's okay:
  Johnny: Huh? I was just checkin' on my miniature Johnny Stormtrooper clone, Prof! We're both okay — see?
  Linkara: Miniature... Johnny... Stormtrooper... clone...?
  Dr. Forrester: Why? Because it's science, that's why!
  • Sen. Grimm blames another scientist, Dabney Donovan, for letting the creature escape, but it turns out the truth is much closer to home than he realizes:
    Reed: [thinking] No one suspects it was I who set Bizarnage free! By the time they realize Cadmus's own chief scientist is behind the sabotage, it'll be too late! Too late for any of them!
    Linkara: Ah, good; so the Amalgam Universe just realized that Reed Richards is a true villain and decided to roll with it.
    • Actually, Sen. Grimm was right on the money concerning Donovan:
      Donovan: [thinking] The experiment proceeds apace. It is fascinating to observe the effects... ...of the evil D.N.A. that I've been secretly adding to Professor Richards's diet!
      Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
      Linkara: So, how do you determine what DNA is evil or not? Are there, like... little devil horns on the carbon atoms?
• Susan Storm enters the scene carrying an injured Dr. Curt Connors; she explains that when Bizarnage shorted out the power grid, King Lizard escaped to New York using the underground river:
  Dr. Connors: This is all my fault...
  Spider-Boy: What? 'Cause your severed arm was mysteriously combined with reptile D.N.A. and grown into the cannibal croc called King Lizard?
  Linkara: [as Dr. Connors] ...Yes, Spider-Boy, that's why; thank you for reminding us all.
• Spider-Boy begins his pursuit of King Lizard, checking in with Dr. Otto Octavius to borrow the Fantasti-Wagon:
  Spider-Boy: You gotta use those things for more than just research, Doc! Sign on as my sidekick! I can see the headlines now — "Doc Ock — The Really Long Arm of the Law!"
  Linkara: [as Dr. Octavius] Oh, no thanks; I think we both agree that if I was a superhero, I'd be the superior Spider-Boy. [grins]
  • We learn that in this universe, the Daily Bugle functions as more of a tabloid magazine than an actual newspaper, printing slanderous headlines about Spider-Boy's supposed romantic life:
    Headline: "Insect Queen Has Spider-Boy's Love Child!"
    Linkara: Well, we know that one isn't true, because if it was, Joe Quesada would be obsessing with preventing Spider-Boy from having a baby out of wedlock.
    • Dr. Octavius reminds Spider-Boy that he has a blind date later that evening with someone he's arranged for him:
      Spider-Boy: [thinking] Man, why couldn't Ock be one of my arch-enemies? Then I wouldn't have to deal with things like this!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] That asshole would probably be saving my life during a Clone Saga or something...
      Linkara: Oh hey, look: the Fantasti-Wagon had a hover-conversion done in the early 21st century.
      Spider-Boy: [thinking] 'Course, the doc's always been there for me, ever since... what happened to Uncle Gen...
      Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] Ever since he died in that mysterious robot tentacles incident. A— [beat] Wait a minute...!
• As Spider-Boy recalls his backstory, we learn that "Uncle Gen" was actually General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross, the last surviving witness of the experiment that created Super-Soldier, and was leading the mission to recreate said experiment; Peter Parker, Dr. Octavius' protégé, suggested creating a clone with the ability to manipulate gravity, which Gen. Ross was on board for:
  Spider-Boy: [thinking] That bulldog actually convinced those big brains to greenlight a college intern's psycho scheme!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] I just don't see how cloning Norman Bates will get us another Super-Soldier.
  Spider-Boy: [thinking] Even then-chief scientist Victor Von Doom went along... ...and this was before he became Dr. Doomsday and lost his marbles!
  Linkara: ...Okay, I think everyone has said this before, but it's very clear you only mixed Doctor Doom and Doomsday because of the name. And you know what? [beat] Respect; I would've done it, too.
  • The experiment killed Peter Parker, but also woke up the clone, who found himself adopted by Gen. Ross, even being taught Super-Soldier's "great power, great responsibility" lesson; after a mugger killed Ross, thinking a grown man would be more trouble than a kid, the clone decided to suit up as Spider-Boy:
    Spider-Boy: [thinking] That's when I knew I had to make sure I was never just a kid who got ignored while other people got hurt!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] And since this was the 90's, being in-your-face and extreme made this much easier.
• In New York, he's sent to check in at the Daily Bugle in his civilian identity of Pete Ross, but since he can neither fly nor swing on webbing, he's sent there via catapult; afterwards, he continues chasing down King Lizard:
  Spider-Boy: [singing] Spider-Boy, Spider-Boy, has the very best action toys! Top ten show, games and vid. Gotta love the Arach-Kid!
  Linkara: [singing] Hey there! Looks like he can swing by, using his gun to fly; why catapult the Spider-Boy?
  • Spider-Boy learns that King Lizard is bigger than normal due to being exposed to Pym Particles, so he heads to Project Cadmus's New York office to find a gadget capable of counteracting said growth:
    Spider-Boy: Let's see — Phantom-Negative Zone Projector... Invisible force-field belt... Mother Cube...
    Linkara: [as the captions] Note: The Mother Cube can do parenting.
    • As King Lizard grows to kaiju-size, Spider-Boy heads to the facility's rooftop and loads a container of white dwarf star matter into the attached catapult, firing it into King Lizard's mouth and causing him to rapidly shrink:
      King Lizard: Thisss isssn't over! You will die by my handsss— —sssomeday—
      Spider-Boy: Big talk— —from the newest resident of the sub-atomic universe!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Boy] Say hi to the Micronauts for me! [beat; normally] That reminds me, who do you think ROM merged with? I'm guessing he's the one true Green Lantern; just a hunch.
• Spider-Boy returns to Dr. Octavius, where he admits he accidentally destroyed a one-of-a-kind invention while saving Manhattan:
  Dr. Octavius: Ah! Again!
  Spider-Boy: Well, they don't call me the friendly neighborhood Spider-Boy for nothing, y'know!
  Linkara: Ah yes, just an inherent quality one would assume with that name: saving the world while breaking unique things.
  • The issue ends with Dr. Octavius introducing Spider-Boy to his blind date:
    Dr. Octavius: Spider-Boy, allow me to introduce Mary Jane Watson— —also known as Insect Queen!
    Linkara: Wait, if she's just called "Insect Queen", why is her symbol an eight-legged creature?
    Insect Queen: Face it, Spider — you just hit the jackpot!
    Linkara: [as Insect Queen] I can't wait for Neronphisto to break up our eventual marriage!

738: Amalgam Comics Month: Assassins #1

• We open on our protagonists, Dare and Catsai, in the middle of a fight with a mercenary, Deadeye, with Catsai stabbing him in the back with her signature weapon:
  Captions: Dare and Catsai are back in town.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Tickets on sale now.
  Captions: Let's hope the city's stocked up on body bags.
  Linkara: Ugh, they would, but the supplier decided to generate artificial scarcity, so everybody wants to buy body bags as soon as they come in stock.
  Catsai: I don't know why... but this just feels right!
  Linkara: [as Catsai, bending over] The stabbing, at least; my back, on the other hand, will never feel right again!
  Captions: The corpse-in-the-making is Deadeye, a killer famous for never missing his mark. The ladies used him for target practice on their way to murder the mayor of Gotham.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Considering they stabbed him instead of shooting him, you can tell how well that went.
  • Dare has stern words for Catsai as they leave the scene:
    Dare: The "why" is you're a ninja getting off on murder, Catsai.
    Catsai: Don't dare get self-righteous on me! He was working for the mayor. Deadeye would gladly have done the same to us... or worse.
    Linkara: [as Catsai] Force us to read YouTube comments!
    Catsai: Tell me you hadn't dreamed of hitting the bull's-eye with him before, Slade...
    Linkara: Wait, she's still named Slade? What's that short for, "Sladeena?"
    Dare: Because of what he did to my eye? I was blind before that, Elektra.
    Linkara: [as Dare] Turns out this eyepatch gets great reception.
    Dare: I'd have to be blind to agree to this lunatic job! Arkham Tower is not my idea of a good time...
    Linkara: [as Catsai] Look, just because that one time had a terrible open mic night...
    • In the meantime, Mayor Enigma Fisk, also known as "the Big Question", spies on the women through the building's security cameras:
      Big Question: How is a skyscraper like a shovel?
      Linkara: Uh... by digging up, stupid!
      Big Question: The two of you can use either one to dig your graves.
      Linkara: I don't think you can use a skyscraper to dig, man... [beat] Maybe for Galactus.
• As Dare and Catsai attempt to ascend the tower using a nearby elevator shaft, they barely manage to escape an explosion before they're attacked by another mercenary, Lethal:
  Lethal: Hired on to hunt Big Question, eh? Maybe it's your pretty hides get skinned tonight!
  Dare: [with disgust] You're looking at all the skin you're getting, freak.
  Linkara: [as Dare] So you'd better get a good look at my butt, because this thing is riding up hard.
  Captions: An experiment gone-to-the-devil toughened Slade Murdock's body, but took her sight.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And let's not even get into what it did to her nostrils.
  Captions: She doesn't miss it — or much else. An internal "radar" tracks the hunga-munga blades.
  Linkara: Okay, that sounds fakey, but... that term is actually a thing; mind you, when I looked up "hunga-munga blades", they looked more like this [throws up a picture of a mambele] instead of the machetes and sais that Lethal threw. I didn't even know this was a thing; it looks like the multi-tool of bladed weapons.
  • Dare catches the knives being thrown at her and tosses them right back at Lethal:
    Jack Burton: It's all in the reflexes.
    Captions: Slade Murdock is called "Dare" for two reasons.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Trademark, and because "Darestroke" sounds stupid.
    Captions: The dares she takes.
    Linkara: [as the captions] The double dog dares.
    Captions: —And few dare to go up against her.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Also, the experiment made it so that she's constantly hearing the Stan Bush song "Dare" playing on a loop, and you kinda get sick of that after a while.
• Catsai pitches in by using her pets to trip Lethal:
  Captions: Catsai's felines are schooled in mayhem.
  Linkara: So... they're cats.
  Captions: Trained to be underhanded — and underfoot.
  Linkara: Okay, if her cats are trained, that's honestly the most impressive thing about her so far.
  Lethal: Big Question told me to ask... How's a shotgun like a snowbank?
  Linkara: [as Lethal] They both have two barrels! [beat] Look, I don't think this guy actually thinks through these riddles very well.
  Lethal: They both stop you cold.
  Linkara: Especially if you live in Fawn's Circle. [grins while holding up the series DVD]
  • Catsai is able to dodge Lethal's shotgun blast:
    Captions: Elektra Kyle dodges the Firestorm with shadow warrior grace...
    Linkara: She trained under Lo Wang?!
    Captions: ...and slashes back with dominatrix passion.
    Lt. Frank Drebin: ...Well.
    Linkara: I mean, that certainly explains this pose she's in.
    • With Lethal incapacitated, Dare finishes the job:
      Captions: And Dare delivers the death stroke.
      Linkara: [as the captions] Get it?! [beat] GET IT?! [beat] GET I—?!
• As news anchor Jimmy Urich puts forth the insinuation that Dr. Strangefate manipulated voters into electing Big Question for his own purposes, Big Question angrily smashes the television with his bare hand:
  Big Question: I ask the questions around here...
  Linkara: [as Big Question] Question one: Why did I do that? I now have broken glass in my hand.
• While Dare and Catsai make their way up the elevator shaft while fighting more mercenaries, we learn that Arkham Tower was built on the remains of Arkham Asylum, but the inmates were kept there for some reason:
  Captions: It was deemed politically correct for the "psychologically different" to interact with day-to-day society.
  Linkara: Yeah! Damn those SJW soy boy politically correct woke cucks and their... insisting on murderers living in a tower instead of receiving mental healthcare in a mental health facility...? [shrugs]
  • Dare flashes back to when she was being experimented on as Big Question watched:
    Big Question: How is a beautiful woman like a hot summer day?
    Linkara: [in a Groucho Marx impression] Both hit you harder than expected?
    Big Question: Both taste better with a little ice cream. Or better yet — you scream!
    '66 Riddler: Ugh...
    Big Question: Such bravado, even under the knife... You always were such a daredevil.
    Linkara: GET IT?!?!
• Dare and Catsai are intercepted by their next opponent, Wired, and Catsai thinks enough is enough:
  Catsai: I'm getting just a little tired of Enigma's toy soldiers. And when I get tired—
  Linkara: [as Catsai] I sleep for 18 hours a day because I'm a cat.
  • The next time we see Wired, he gets tossed through the elevator door to Big Question's office, impaled on his own blade:
    Dare: [dripping with venom] Avon calling.
    Linkara: [as Dare] Wired's blood will make a great beauty product.
    Big Question: And my image can so use a makeover! You two lovelies, though — just as shapely as ever!
    Linkara: Dude should not be describing other people as "shapely" when I'm not even sure how the hell to describe his "shape".
• Big Question reveals that the person who hired the two to assassinate him was none other than Big Question himself; in response, Dare charges at him while he activates a metal wall that separates the two women, and Big Question takes advantage of the confusion to relieve Dare of her weapons and grab her by the head:
  Big Question: Try this one. What did the performing unicorn say to the trumpet? "...Hey... Are you trying to horn in on my act?"
  Linkara: Okay, that's not a riddle; that's a joke. [beat] Not a bad one, though.
  • Big Question rips the horns from Dare's head, leaving it a mess of blood and gore:
    Big Question: My. All that blood. And bone. And — yellow, oily... goo.
    Linkara: [as Big Question] I... I don't remember us putting that in there; what the hell is that?
• As Big Question turns his attention to Catsai, he falls victim to a bomb she planted while he incapacitated Dare; the two then fight while Catsai reflects on her backstory, where she grew up on the streets of Cairo learning how to survive while hanging out with the local cat population:
  Captions: Even when Daddy became Egyptian ambassador to the U.S. and the way of life went up... ...Elektra never forgot the hard lessons she learned as a girl.
  Linkara: One hard lesson is, apparently, you can go from poverty that forces your daughter to survive on the streets of Cairo by emulating cats right into the Egyptian ambassadorship. What?!
  Captions: Ambassador Kyle's murder was a devastating blow to his daughter. It led her to a school of ninjutsu, where old cunning and ferocity found a home.
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, of course. Whenever an ambassador dies, their children are shipped off to become ninjas; cat-themed ones, at that. As a demonstration of this, the Ninja Style Dancer.
  Ninja Style Dancer: [demonstrates the way of the cat]
  Catsai: The Dare was my — she was my good friend.
  Linkara: Just gals being pals.
• The issue ends with Big Question beaten and ruined as Catsai walks away with her cats:
  Catsai: Now there's not even enough respect to be a stooge. It doesn't balance the scales, fat man. But it'll do while I come up with more... ...creative tortures.
  Linkara: Like reading this comic again.
  Captions: Next: The Dare dead? Catsai on the prowl? And we're not even at issue #2 yet!
  Linkara: Somehow, I doubt you would've lasted long even if this hadn't been a one-shot, because this comic sucks.

739: DC Challenge! #5

• Linkara starts the video by laying out how general audiences must be feeling at this point:
  Linkara: So... how to sum up the story so far?
  Tom Servo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHH!!!
• The issue opens with Doctor Fate recapping the events from last time while looking through a crystal ball:
  Tom Servo: You've got mail.
  Linkara: Oh hey, Power Rangers' 30th anniversary just happened at the time of this episode's release. [as Zordon] "My friends, observe the viewing globe!"
  Doctor Fate: It's worse than I thought!
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] He doesn't even have a History of Power Rangers video out to commemorate the occasion! Where even is the Dino Thunder remake?!
  Doctor Fate: In New York City, several alien super-heroes are about to be executed by hostile aliens...
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] There are some that are going to be executed in New Jersey, but those ones are friendly!
  Doctor Fate: ...In Metropolis, gremlins prepare a special edition of the Daily Planet, uncovering a long-held secret...
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] My God, they fed gremlins after midnight, and now they're revealing the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices!
  Doctor Fate: ...And high above, alien marauders invade the city! Clearly, the forces of chaos are running rampant...
  Linkara: I mean... he's not wrong; when the prevailing attitude of the creators on each issue is "Well, I don't have to resolve this, so I'm going to do whatever," it's going to be nothing but chaos.
  • As Doctor Fate puts on his helmet and flies off, we learn the issue's title:
    Captions: The DC Challenge: Phase Five Is officially titled "If There's a Hole in Reality, Is Life a Cosmic Donut?"
    Linkara: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... [beat] It's a bagel.
    Captions: But we like to call it... Thunderbolts and Lightning
    Linkara: Whoa, that's very, very frightening to me.
• On Earth-S, Billy Batson learns that New York is being invaded by aliens, but after failing to turn into Captain Marvel, he runs through a subway station to the Rock of Eternity, passing by the statues of the Seven Deadly Enemies of Man on his way to speak with the Wizard:
  Linkara: You think the Wizard decorates those at Christmastime? I would.
  • Speaking of the Wizard, when Billy summons his spirit, he's not in the best shape:
    Wizard: I... I am dying, Billy! Some evil force is sapping all the magic power in the universe!
    Linkara: [as the Wizard] Yes, that's totally what's going on! It's not that it's Sunday and I planned on sleeping in and I just don't feel like doing anything today! Ooohh, evil is afoot, Billy! Now—Now, go away while I watch hockey and recover my strength.
• Back on the main Earth, as the alien heroes are about to be executed, J'emm blasts the invaders' red sun machine, allowing Superman and Supergirl to free themselves and begin their counterattack:
  Superman: ...And together, we'll show the world that these do-goods don't speak for all aliens!
  Linkara: Meanwhile, over on Fox News, 50 stories about how Superman is wrong and they clearly speak for all aliens.
• In Los Angeles, a man named Adam Blake has his meditation session interrupted by Doctor Fate's communication spell:
  Blake: I know now what I must do.
  Linkara: Adam Blake proceeds to go get lunch.
  • As it turns out, Blake is actually the obscure superhero Captain Comet, who Linkara explains is meant to represent the next step in human evolution, with many amazing abilities:
    Linkara: And these abilities were unlocked... when a comet passed over him as a child. [beat] Look, I didn't write this stuff; I'm just telling you what it is.
• Meanwhile, a man named Peter Cannon watches the invasion of Metropolis and prepares to flee, but his assistant Tabu says that evil must be stopped, pulling out Cannon's costume:
  Cannon: Blast it, Tabu, I said it, and I mean it! I'm never putting that costume on again!
  Linkara: [as Cannon] Wash it, Tabu! Just wash the damn thing once; that's all I ask!
  Cannon: Civilization has made its bed — now let it lie in it! I'm through with it!
  Linkara: Hoo boy, that line is going to be hilarious in a second when I explain who the hell this guy is.
  • After Tabu says that Cannon would never turn his back on innocent people, Cannon concedes his point and rushes into action:
    Captions: Moments later, a lithe figure in scarlet and blue shoots from the home of Peter Cannon like a human thunderbolt...
    Linkara: [as the captions] Tabu decided to just wear it himself.
    Linkara: No, Tabu's inside watching him leave.
    Tabu: As you have realized, friend Peter, the superior man must ever broaden the scope of his responsibilities... ...to include the scope of his conscience!
    Linkara: [as Tabu] And the scope of his booty shorts; I've got to say, Peter, you are rocking them.
• Doctor Fate arrives in Metropolis as the invasion continues:
  Doctor Fate: [thinking] The alien infestation is great... ...and while I cannot personally take a hand in this conflict... ...I may summon some who can!
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] I can't personally get involved when aliens invade because of... reasons, I guess, but I can totally summon other people to do it for me, which isn't getting involved personally, even though I'm the one who did the summoning. [beat] Man, these rules are confusing...
  • As Doctor Fate summons the Blackhawks to take down the alien ships, some of the invaders corner a group of humans near a hanging American flag:
    Alien: Pathetic humans! You gather 'neath that gaudy cloth, as though it will offer some protection... [burns the flag] This is how much protection it affords!
    Linkara: I don't know; seems to be doing a pretty good job of distracting you guys.
    Man: Hey, that's the flag!
    Linkara: [holding an assault rifle and Captain America's shield] DAMN RIGHT IT IS! THIS IS AMERICA!!! [fires the rifle into the air]
    • As the alien stomps on the flag, Uncle Sam suddenly shows up to teach the invaders some manners, eventually causing them to flee:
      Uncle Sam: See, they ain't so tough, once you show 'em a little backbone!
      Linkara: [as Uncle Sam] So run right at them while they're aiming their guns at you.
• While Thunderbolt fights some aliens, he is suddenly shot by one of their guns, and he utters his personal mantra to recover his strength:
  Thunderbolt: Use... force of will... I must do it... I... I can do it! I will do it!
  Linkara: I love how this episode has kind of become an impromptu Secret Origins Month bit about this guy.
  Captions: Suddenly, Peter Cannon is a man reborn, a man fighting with all the strength and stamina of his name! Peter Cannon has, indeed, become... a thunderbolt!
  Linkara: [as the captions] Thunderbolts, usually known for their... stamina. [shrugs]
  • As the battle for Metropolis rages on, the gremlins toss out their newspapers revealing Superman's secret identity from a speeding truck; Thunderbolt picks one up and examines the headline... then tosses it aside:
    Thunderbolt: [thinking] Just another manifestation of all the strangeness going on, I guess! But what a waste of time... ...Who'd ever believe something as absurd as that?
    Linkara: He's not talking about the Clark Kent thing; there's an article that says that all of Congress agreed to raise the minimum wage.
• Doctor Fate flies to the Rock of Eternity to speak with the Wizard, who wonders if he has come to replace him:
  Doctor Fate: No, great one! A war is being waged, between out-worlders who wish to destroy all magic, and savage monsters who desire to master science!
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] The UN peacekeepers are doing their best, but they need our help!
  • Doctor Fate transfers some of his magic to the Wizard, allowing Billy Batson to turn into Captain Marvel, so he can easily deal with the invaders on the ground:
    Linkara: But how to stop all those ships? Why, take an underwater highway tunnel, crush one end, LIFT THE ENTIRE THING OUT OF THE GROUND, AND USE IT LIKE A NET TO TRAP ALL THE SPACESHIPS!!
    Gen. Patton: You magnificent bastard, I read your book!
    Linkara: This is just... I don't... What?! And then he... drops the closed tunnel at an Army base?! You know, DC Challenge! has given us such hits as "Bruce Wayne prefers Betamax to VHS" to "Aquaman bites into a vulture to drink its blood to stay hydrated"... and this is where I think it's getting ridiculous!
• In the meantime, Captain Comet teams up with Adam Strange to fight the invaders by destroying their ships, but the two end up zapped into the Plane of Holes, where they run into Deadman, Darwin Jones, Bobo, Jimmy Olsen, and Dr. Terry Thirteen:
  Deadman: I'm Boston Brand, by the way... You won't believe this, but normally, I'm dead!
  Linkara: [as Deadman] And yet, they still made me come into work on the weekend.
• Captain Marvel and Doctor Fate fly to Rann to stop the demon infestation there:
  Captions: Suddenly, the demons turn their gazes skyward, and begin uttering a chant the human tongue could not pronounce...
  Linkara: [as Doctor Fate] Wait, why are the demons singing "Baby Shark"?
  • The issue ends with S'thulum, a minor demon of the nether plane, appearing through a portal to grab hold of the two, with Doctor Fate advising Captain Marvel not to struggle against it since it will only make the creature stronger:
    S'thulum: ...For S'thulum has hungered for centuries... and only magical power can satiate me... power such as yours!
    Linkara: See, you say that, but I bet his magic is all gamey and stuff.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Wait, do the Blackhawk planes actually make a noise that sounds like "hawk"? I don't know if that's dumb or awesome. [beat] Probably both.

740: US-1 #12

• Given how wacky the series has been so far, the cover wastes no time in hyping up the conclusion:
  Cover: An ending like you never expected!
  Linkara: Oh, my God! US-1 was Optimus Prime this whole time?!
• The issue opens in the Short Stop truck stop's garage, as the alien helps Archer and the others make modifications to the US-1 truck:
  Captions: It's just an average day at Short Stop, trucker's rest.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Fifteen people are dead from the latest brawl that seems to happen so frequently here!
  Captions: In the garage out back, the crew is busy overhauling an engine. But the individual supervising the overhaul is anything but average!
  Linkara: Yeah, yeah, be a dick and brag about his test scores! Nobody cares!
  Alien: That's right, U.S. ol' buddy, hand me that frammistat, while Poppa Wheelie here, helps me jockey this new manifold into place.
  Archer: Er... Okay, Mister — er — Alien.
  Al: Just call me Al for short, son!
  Linkara: I'm not saying it was aliens... but it was Al.
  Retread: Pinch me, Wide Load Annie. I still can't believe we're really modifying this truck diesel so that it can fly!
  Linkara: Poppa Wheelie's just standing off to the side with Retread going, "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need... roads."
• Wide Load sums up the events of the series so far for anyone who decided to join in now, for some reason:
  Wide Load: There we were leading perfectly normal lives until that dark and stormy night... The Archer boys, Jeff and U.S. had their rig forced over the edge of a cliff...
  Linkara: [as Wide Load] Yeah, they were forced off, and nobody sabotaged the rig to collect the life insurance money or anything; why would you even suspect such a thing? I'm-I'm gonna go help with the flying truck.
  Wide Load: Jeff seemed to disappear into thin air! U.S. was badly hurt. The docs at the hospital had to replace part of his skull with a metal cap.
  Linkara: [as Wide Load] For some reason, he was fully conscious during the operation! [beat] Or he had Youngblood's disease.
  Wide Load: Turned out he could receive and send short wave broadcasts on it — so he called it his "CB" skull.
  Linkara: [as Wide Load] Gotta be honest, prank-calling other truckers on the radio with it got kinda old after the 30th time he did it.
  • She then recalls how the mysterious Midnight was actually a hypnotized Mary McGrill under the control of the Highwayman:
    Wide Load: And he turned out to be none other than Jefferson Archer who'd staged his own disappearance! For awhile there, I was wondering who else I was gonna turn out to be!
    Linkara: Oh, we all know the answer: GRANNY GOODNESS! [dramatic sting]
    Wide Load: That's when our alien friend finally showed himself and explained the whole mess!
    Linkara: You know a comic book universe is weird when any story you tell can casually include the phrase "That's when our alien friend finally showed himself."
    Wide Load: A bunch of outer-space guys were looking for an Earth fella to go to the stars. They chose U.S., but when they first came down to tell him, they got Jeff instead. Seems that all Earth folks look about the same to them.
    Linkara: You know, in retrospect, why did they even want to work with the space racists?
• Wide Load talks about how jealous Jeff was of his brother:
  Wide Load: Danged if that ain't the worst case of sibling rivalry since Cain and Abel!
  Jeff: At least Cain had the good sense to kill his brother, Wide Load!
  Linkara: [as Jeff] And then Cain took charge of the House of Mystery, which in turn got taken over by Elvira! I could've met Elvira if I murdered my brother, Wide Load!
  Poppa Wheelie: You've got your nerve showing your face in here, boy, after all you've done!
  Jeff: Just like you to take his side, Poppa!
  Linkara: [as Jeff] Just like you to say I shouldn't kill my brother, Poppa! Ugh...
  • Jeff says that any improvements made to the truck won't do Archer any good, since he's had more experience with alien technology:
    Jeff: Whatever contest these aliens come up with to determine which one of us goes off with them, I'm bound to win!
    Linkara: Unfortunately for Jeff, the contest turns out to be whose outfit is less goofy.
• After an outburst from Jeff saying he'd rather see Archer dead before letting him win, Archer suspects Al is altering his mind in some way:
  Al: Now hold on a minute there, good buddy! I didn't spend months monitoring CB broadcasts so I could understand your lingo just to hear accusations like that!
  Linkara: [as Al] I did it to understand what the hell "Brush your teeth and comb your hair, Smokey's up ahead!" was supposed to mean. [beat] I mean, as you can tell, some phrases just don't translate very well.
  Al: I'm telling you, we were looking for an Earth fella who was smart, brave, and resourceful for a mission with our interplanetary federation.
  Linkara: [as Al] Unfortunately, Mr. T wasn't available, so we had to settle for you.
  • As Al explains, U.S. was their original choice, but Jeff didn't tell them about their mistake after abducting him; by the time they learned what happened, they already poured considerable resources into training Jeff, and he convinced them to let him take the job:
    Al: Jeff tried to prove he was the better Earth-man for the job, but every time he went up against you, you held your own!
    Linkara: [as Al] So in effect, we've already proven how much better you are, but it's kind of a sunk cost thing at this point with Jeff's training.
    Al: Of course we did help you by giving you that CB skull which helped cut down on the advantages Jeff had!
    Linkara: [as Al] Your ability to pick up someone yelling, "Breaker, breaker, Smokey's on your back door!" in your head was truly what was necessary to even the odds against force-field technology.
    • Al proclaims the only way to settle things once and for all is a contest that puts both brothers on equal footing:
      Al: And may the best man win!
      Jeff: And I'm the best man, U.S.!
      Linkara: Dude, you're not even the flower girl; sit down.
• Wide Load asks Poppa Wheelie where they went wrong in raising Jeff:
  Poppa Wheelie: I don't know, Wide Load. We raised those boys the best we knew how after their folks died!
  Linkara: [as Poppa Wheelie] Admittedly, that involved a diet of nothing but lots of greasy chicken wings and a play in the rusty old chassis in the back, but I feel like that's normal for 7-year-olds to get tetanus, you know?
  • After Poppa Wheelie explains how the chaos at the truck stop has caused them to bleed customers, the bankers Clutch, Grab, and LeGreed arrive to gloat about them losing the property:
    Grab: Yeah, but now you're gonna lose this place, and as soon as we foreclose, we'll turn around and sell it to the Bondo-Condo Development Company—
    LeGreed: —And make a huge killing on the deal!
    Linkara: [as LeGreed] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! [beat] So, uh, anyway, we just... drove 50 miles out to the middle of nowhere to say that to you; see you later.
• Poppa Wheelie and Wide Load enter the truck stop to find Taryn arguing with Mary:
  Taryn: So this is what the world-infamous Mary McGrill coffee tastes like? It's bad to the last drop!
  Linkara: [as Taryn] How the hell do you even make grape jelly and mustard-flavored coffee?
  Taryn: No wonder there aren't any customers in here!
  Linkara: [as Taryn] Well, I mean, it's also 4 AM, b-but still!
  • Mary tries to counter Taryn's assertions by saying she was under mind control during the attack on the truck stop and would never willingly do anything to hurt Archer:
    Taryn: You don't have a chance with U.S.! He'd never go for a namby-pamby wimp like you! Just wait till this contest with his brother is over. He'll be looking for a real woman then, and ol' "Taryn Down the Highway" will be available!
    Linkara: Ah, I see we've gone from the deeper characterization of two adoptive parental figures discussing whether they were good parents because one of their kids turned out to be a monster to... a couple of women fighting over a dude who continually refuses to show any actual romantic interest in either of them.
    Mary: Well, so will I, you — you truck driver, you!
    Linkara: Whoa-ho-hooo, Mary! Just because I have to label these videos as "not for kids" doesn't mean it's okay for you to use that kind of language!
• After finishing the upgrades for the truck, Archer and Retread sit outside and discuss how crazy things have gotten:
  Archer: This alien... er... Al, has been pretty vague about what this is all about! Something about being the first Earthman to get involved in their intergalactic federation — but as what? An ambassador?
  Linkara: Sure, if by "ambassador", you mean "lunch".
  Archer: I'm just a truck driver. What do I know about being a diplomat?
  Linkara: [as Archer] I mean, sure, there was that Mittys peace accord I negotiated, but I figured they were just charmed by my headband.
  Archer: On the other hand, just think of it! The first man to visit the stars!
  Linkara: [as Archer] Up yours, Yuri Gagarin!
  • Archer soom discovers that Retread has fallen asleep during his rambling:
    Archer: Ha! Well, that's one small step for a man, and one small nap for Retread! Guess he's not quite as nervous about this as I am!
    Linkara: Biggest twist in this finale would've been if he was actually more interested in Retread than the two women.
• The next day, Al explains the rules of the contest:
  Al: The object of the contest is to be the first to go completely around the Earth!
  Mary: Wha—?! Around the Earth?!
  Linkara: "Around the Earth in Eighty Gallons".
  • After Jeff refuses to shake Archer's hand after being wished good luck, the race gets underway:
    Captions: A mighty roar echoes against the surrounding hills. The ground seems to shudder as the two massive semis thunder to life...
    Linkara: [as the captions] Then they both stall, as it turns out Taryn put sugar in both their gas tanks last night.
    • Jeff and Archer briefly glimpse at each other in their trucks:
      Captions: They pour their hearts and souls into the contest, each using every ounce of skill he possesses to try and gain an advantage...
      Linkara: [as the captions] Turns out hearts and souls are much more effective fuel than diesel.
• Jeff tries to pull ahead of Archer by moving into the opposite lane:
  Archer: [thinking] He's heading right towards the oncoming traffic!
  Linkara: [as Archer] Oh no! He might get a ticket!
  • Actually, Jeff activates the Blackrig's flying function, inspiring Archer to do the same on his truck:
    Avery Brooks: I was promised flying cars!
    Linkara: On the ground...
    Man: [thinking] I knew the truckers union was trying to find some way to get around the 55 mile an hour speed limit, but this—?
    Linkara: Now I just want the inevitable remake of Smokey and the Bandit to feature flying trucks.
• Archer is ecstatic about finally being able to fly, until a sudden shock brings him back to reality:
  Archer: [thinking] Yow! What was that feeling?! Something hit me!
  Linkara: [as Archer] Oh God, did I just hit a flying DeLorean?!
  • As Archer discovers, it's Jeff ramming into his truck to force it down:
    Jeff: Take that, little brother!
    Archer: [thinking] Jeff's voice coming over my CB skull!
    Linkara: [as Jeff] That's right, brother; the aliens installed a CB larynx in me!
• Archer fights back by spraying oil on the Blackrig's windshield, allowing Jeff to lose sight of him while trying to clear it:
  Captions: Meanwhile, flying unseen slightly above and behind the Blackrig is U.S. 1!
  Spock: His pattern indicates... two-dimensional thinking.
  • As their battle leaves the atmosphere, Archer realizes Jeff might be afraid to actually go into space, meaning the odds are now even:
    Spock: Sauce for the goose, Mr. Saavik.
    Linkara: Lest you think that my Star Trek II clips are a bit of a stretch...
    Archer: [thinking] Maybe the only way I can get us on equal terms is to boldly go where no man except for Captain Kirk has gone before— —into space itself!
    Linkara: [as Archer] Suck my mudflaps, other crew of the Enterprise! Only Kirk boldly went!
    Jeff: What?! Where are you going, U.S.! Where the heck do you think you're going?!
    Archer: The final frontier, big brother! Catch me if you can! If you dare!
    Kirk: I'm laughing at the superior intellect.
• Archer has the time of his life as he zips around outer space:
  Archer: Isn't it great, big brother? The weightless feeling; the speed; it's like suddenly being set free after years in prison!
  Linkara: [as Archer] Now this is podracing!
  Linkara: Jeff, however, is not feeling it.
  Jeff: No! I don't like it! It's too big, too dark! And it makes my stomach hurt!
  Linkara: You know, maybe the aliens who were training Jeff to fly around space should've... had him fly around space. [beat] The hell were they teaching him all this time?!
  • Jeff snaps out of his fear when he sees the alien ships watching the race, saying he's gone too far to give up now:
    Jeff: I won't let you beat me here in front of them! I'll find a way to take you out of the race once and for all!
    Linkara: Yeah, you guys do remember this is supposed to be a race, right? Because you seem to be going in the opposite direction of the place you're supposed to be going.
• Jeff tries to ram Archer one last time, but Archer pulls his truck out of the way:
  Linkara: Man, reminds me of the space race I had against Sphinx Yonder... [starts a flashback transition, only to return to normal] They're still not letting me show footage of the race. Storyline compilation video... assuming the contest ever ends...!
  • Jeff winds up moving too fast to properly brake, and is on a collision course for the Moon; seeing his brother panic, Archer tries to think of a way to signal the aliens to save Jeff:
    Captions: Unknown to U.S., his very thoughts are being broadcast to the alien ships, courtesy of his CB skull.
    Linkara: [as the captions] And yes, Ulysses, they know what you've fantasized about doing with your truck, and you should feel very ashamed.
    • As the Blackrig crashes into the Moon's surface, an alien reveals he managed to catch Jeff in a tractor beam and pull him to safety:
      Alien: U.S. Archer! We sensed your concern for your brother and rescued him. But with the destruction of his truck, he forfeits the contest to you!
      Linkara: [as the alien] Also, turns out he never filed the insurance paperwork on that thing, so we're pretty pissed about losing it; we're going to let Jeff out into open space now.
• Back on Earth, Archer asks Al why they wanted him in the first place, who replies that Earth has one thing sorely needed in space — truckers:
  Al: Men of courage, and intelligence who are strong-willed and independent! Men who could stand up to the rigors and most especially — the solitude of space!
  Linkara: [as Al] We saw that you guys produced this Dennis Hopper movie and realized you were perfect!
  • After Archer accepts the job and moves his family with him to space, along with the entire truck stop, Clutch, Grab, and LeGreed arrive at the spot with the condo developer:
    Developer: I guess I chose right when I asked the firm of Clutch, Grab and LeGreed to do the job. Why you even managed to get that unsightly little diner torn down. Good work men!
    Linkara: [as the developer] And now, I'll look into the hole it left and— OH, MY GOD!! THERE WERE SO MANY BODIES IN THEIR BASEMENT!!
    Linkara: However, it seems there's an aftereffect of the tractor beam used to lift the diner.
    Developer: But wait a minute! The ground is glowing! It must be radioactive, somehow!
    Linkara: [as the developer] That can't be good, somehow!
    • As the developer calls the deal off, Linkara can't help but notice something:
      Linkara: Huh. Strange; the guy looks like our 45th President, Anton York.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Okay, it took me forever, but I finally realized what the aliens remind me of.
  Ace Ventura: [with asparagus in his mouth] Do I have something in my teeth?

Episode DCCXLI: The Star Wars #8

• The issue begins with Annikin picking off patrolling stormtroopers to avoid detection aboard the Space Fortress:
  Annikin: Neither helmet fits! Luke was right — I do have a swelled head.
  Linkara: Today, the role of Annikin Starkiller will be played by Dib from Invader Zim.
  • Meanwhile, Darth Vader and Prince Valorum monitor the situation via the station's security system:
    Valorum: And I see you have Skywalker's apprentice on the run.
    Vader: Yes. We've just trapped your friend.
    Linkara: [as Valorum] Look, we just met the one time at someone else's party; stop making it sound like I cheated on you!
• Annikin is eventually forced to flee from the pursuing stormtroopers:
  Stormtrooper: Stop, traitor!
  Linkara: No, no, no, no, that's not how you do it; this is the energy you need. [snaps]
  FN-2199: Traitor!
  Linkara: Or, if you're really pissed... [snaps]
  Kylo Ren: TRAITOR!!!
  • After getting trapped in the hallway via a closing bulkhead, Annikin turns and closes his eyes, allowing the Force to guide him as he cuts down the stormtroopers with his lightsaber:
    Linkara: UNREALISTIC MARY SUE CHARACTER! Pssh! Why do they let him get away with this?
    Annikin: I don't know how anyone can fight in these tin cans!
    Linkara: Well, they probably have them attached to their body with something better than scotch tape.
    • Unfortunately, another bulkhead falls and gas quickly fills the room, knocking Annikin out:
      Linkara: Well, now we really know why this script needed to be changed: this is some of the most competency we've ever seen in Star Wars villains.
      Vader: You see, Valorum? Jai...
      Linkara: "Jay"? "High"? Whatever.
      Vader: ...gas at last. I don't know why the Emperor bothered to request your services.
      Officer: Ha-ha!
      Linkara: Special guest appearance by Phil Ken Sebben.
      Vader: Still, you may be useful. Take the Jedi to special interrogation section — and use your Sith skills to find out his plans!
      Valorum: As you wish, Darth.
      Linkara: [as Valorum] I mean, you realize that zapping him with lightning isn't really that impressive, right? A car battery does the same thing, for all intents and purposes.
• As Valorum prepares to interrogate Annikin, he removes his mask... revealing he has no physical deformities whatsoever:
  Linkara: [as Valorum] Look, some of us recognize that the pandemic is not really over, and wearing masks helps immunocompromised people, and helps prevent me from getting sick!
  Linkara: Annikin is attached to a torture chair.
  Valorum: ...You were insane to come here. Why? For her?!
  Linkara: [as Annikin] Oh, sure; I'm captured, I find out my head is literally too big, and now I'm being lectured about my choice in girlfriends! Can you not see I'm having a crappy enough day here, Valorum?!
  Valorum: You're a great warrior — but you're a greater fool! This is a place for androids. No codes, no honor.
  Linkara: Wait, is everyone in the Empire an android?! Is that the big twist here?!
  Valorum: Our ways are useless here! Why couldn't you have stayed away?
  Linkara: [as Valorum] We can't lift rocks here! THERE ARE NO ROCKS TO LIFT!
  • Vader enters the room with Governor Hoedaack:
    Vader: We've come to inform him of his fate.
    Linkara: [as Valorum] Wait, why the hell did you send me down here if you were just going to come in to interrupt it?!
    Vader: For all the trouble he's caused us, this Jedi doesn't seem like much — does he, Governor Hoedaack?
    Linkara: [as Vader] You should be impressed with this technological terror we've constructed; the power of the force of others is nothing compared to the ability to take over a planet.
    Linkara: [as Valorum] I'm pretty sure we did this bit a few episodes ago already...
    Linkara: [as Vader] Oh, please; nobody remembers that.
    Hoedaack: Your easy capture and public imprisonment should end the Jedi myth once and for all.
    Linkara: [as Hoedaack] Nobody will believe that the Jedi came from the thigh of Zeus anymore.
    Vader: Prince Valorum, the Sith may be next.
    Linkara: [as Vader] Just thought I'd say that right before I left you alone with the prisoner.
    • Hoedaack orders Valorum to take Annikin to Alderaan for his execution:
      Hoedaack: My only regret is that I won't be there myself.
      Linkara: [as Hoedaack] Lovely planet, Alderaan; I see a bright future for it in this franchise.
• In the hangar bay where the prisoner transport ship is being refueled, having had enough of Vader's veiled threats, Valorum suddenly frees Annikin and tosses him a lightsaber:
  Valorum: Jedi and Sith must settle this honorably— —here and now!
  Linkara: Ah yes, one of the things that carried over into the real franchise: the honor of the Sith.
  • The two then begin to take out the stormtroopers around them:
    Valorum: Your technique needs work, Starkiller — watch me and learn!
    Linkara: [as Valorum] Make really big swinging motions, and then jump in the air like we were doing a Matrix parody like this!
    Annikin: What will you teach me? Cruelty? A Sith murdered my brother!
    Valorum: Didn't he pay with his life?
    Linkara: [as Annikin] Yeah, but without a tip, the cheap bastard!
    • Valorum beckons Annikin to leave, but he refuses to go anywhere without rescuing Leia:
      Valorum: Impossible! There are traps everywhere... You're mad!
      Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
      Cyber-Leader: It is.
      Annikin: It's love. By the way, thanks for freeing me...
      Valorum: Love?! Now I remember why our clans have fought for a thousand years!
      Linkara: [as Valorum] Geez, everything would be better if the Jedi weren't allowed to fall in love!
• As the Y-wings begin their attack, Valorum helps Annikin out by tricking some guards before killing them:
  Annikin: Deception is still your way, Valorum.
  Valorum: I seem to remember somebody in disguise. Our ways are not so different.
  Linkara: [as Annikin] Okay, but my disguise lasted for all of zero seconds; the Jedi-Bendu way is failing towards success.
  Linkara: They free Leia.
  Leia: Annikin? It's about time.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
  Linkara: [as Annikin] Apparently, my head isn't!
  • Valorum begs Annikin and Leia to get a move on before the prison break is discovered:
    Annikin: Is this garbage chute pressurized?
    Valorum: Yes! But it's going to be an awful ride...
    Annikin: Follow me!
    Linkara: ...And he leaps in.
    Linkara: [as Valorum] ...Well, I was going to say, "It's going to be an awful ride, and then you hit the spikes at the bottom," but there you are.
    • The trio fall into the garbage dump, with Valorum remarking how they need to shut down the powered door to open a way out:
      Leia: Yuck! This is a fine place for a princess.
      Annikin: Life with me can only get better.
      Linkara: [as Annikin] On the plus side, we're not brother and sister in this version.
• In space, Chewbacca hits a terminal, dealing massive damage to the Space Fortress:
  Han: That Wookiee is turning out to be our best gunner!
  Linkara: [as Han] Great shot, fuzzball! That was one-in-a-million!
• Vader discovers our heroes in the trash pit and activates the compactor:
  Valorum: This is not how I pictured my death.
  Linkara: [as Valorum] Admittedly, though, dying from pleasure during the orgy with the bikini models I rescued from a downed submarine was pretty unlikely, but hey, a guy can dream.
  • After escaping the trash pit, they meet up with Artwo:
    Artwo: The power core has exceeded the normal stress quotient by point eight! The magnetic fusion pods have evaporated! There appears to be immediate danger!!
    Annikin: It's nice to see you, too, old buddy.
    Linkara: [as Artwo] Not for me; I kind of switched sides and told them where to find you, and now I'm not going to get paid.
• As the Space Fortress begins to explode, Han begins to worry about Annikin and Leia:
  Luke: Time to stop worrying about them. Annikin is a Jedi now.
  Linkara: [as Luke] And Jedi are immune to explosions.
• On Aquilae, we see that not only do Annikin and Han get medals like their film counterparts, but also Chewbacca, Artwo, and Threepio:
  Leia: Threepio, Artwo, your service to Aquilae is greatly appreciated. You are designated A-4...
  Linkara: It's like four times the steak sauce!
  Leia: ...and will serve— —Annikin Starkiller, the new Lord Protector of Aquilae.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Come, we must attach the ceremonial goofy wheel thing to your back now.
  • The story ends with, weirdly enough, an ending crawl detailing the aftermath of the Space Fortress's destruction:
    Crawl: As word of the destruction of the Space Fortress spread, a thousand new systems joined Queen Leia and the rebellion, causing a significant crack in the great wall of the Galactic Empire.
    Linkara: [as the crawl] But then, Superman came along and fixed it with his wall-repair vision.
    Crawl: The acts of Skywalker and Starkiller once again sparked fear in the hearts of the greedy and the malevolent — and a new sense of liberty, not felt for a hundred years, swept through the hearts of all!
    Linkara: [as the crawl] Well, except for all the space Nazis; they felt a lot of jail, death, and pain. But, they were space Nazis, so who gives a damn?
    Crawl: But our heroes' greatest adventure was yet to take place — the one which would be known as "SAGA OF THE OPHUCHI"!
    Linkara: But somehow, I don't think we'll be seeing that.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: So when do you think we'll get the Expanded Universe explanation of the random stormtrooper Annikin stole his outfit from?

742: Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #8

• The issue opens in Alabama, with Allie playing on a motorcycle:
  Allie: The monsters are coming! Hop on quick! Let's get out of here!
  Linkara: Man, this new Kamen Rider series is looking interesting.
  • Meanwhile, Sgt. Woods is busy fending off a gang of hostile bikers, even kicking one of the attackers in the crotch:
    Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Try attacking a shopping mall in the middle of a zombie apocalypse now, asshole!
• After the threat is dealt with, Sgt. Woods asks Allie if she's ready to go:
  Allie: Are you done fighting now?
  Sgt. Woods: Yes. Are you done playing on the bike?
  Allie: Yes.
  Linkara: [as Allie] Because I'm done playing around. [revs the engine]
  • Allie asks Sgt. Woods why the bikers attacked them, and he responds by saying they wanted their water since they ran out of theirs; Allie then asks if she can keep the motorcycle, but Sgt. Woods refuses:
    Allie: Can I keep the goggles?
    Linkara: [as Allie] I'm hoping to become a Digimon protagonist.
    • On that point, at least, Sgt. Woods relents:
      Sgt. Woods: That guy's gonna have a pretty mean shiner anyway.
      Allie: Cool! What's a shiner?
      Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] It's something you only have a 1 in 4,000 chance of happening, but that's not important right now.
• After a quick detour to Godzilla's battle against King Ghidorah in Washington, D.C., we return to Sgt. Woods and Allie as a looter points a gun at them:
  Looter: Gimme that water! And I'll take the girl, too.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Dammit, Pedro Pascal! You've had enough "escort a child across a wasteland" stories! Let me have one!
  • As the looter runs off after being injured and disarmed, we learn that Sgt. Woods has Allie play "peek-a-boo" during violent moments, having her close her eyes so she doesn't see his fights:
    Allie: I'm sooo good at this game!
    Sgt. Woods: Well, practice makes perfect.
    Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Come on, let's find some more horrible people who want to kidnap you!
• While grabbing a snack for Allie, Sgt. Woods is bitten by a snake; as he tries to suck out as much poison as he can, Allie fetches him a bandage:
  Sgt. Woods: I did what I could to get the poison out, but it still might make me act sick or funny.
  Linkara: [as Allie] Like how Elon Musk thinks he's funny, or actually funny?
  Sgt. Woods: I'll probably get tired and pale, and I may talk about seeing things that aren't really there.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Like, say, a good episode of Jersey Shore? Ha! High five, Allie!
  Linkara: [as Allie] I don't know what that is.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Damn young people not paying attention to pop culture so I can complain about it...
  Linkara: [as Allie] I like Bluey.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Yeah, Blue's Clues is awesome.
  Linkara: [as Allie] I don't know what that is, either.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] ...We're not friends anymore.
  • Sgt. Woods hands Allie the monster radar, and they go off to find some shelter so he can recover from the poison:
    Allie: Okay. And you promise you... you won't... die?
    Sgt. Woods: Promise. With your help, I'll be good as new.
    Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Therefore, if I do die, it's your fault for not helping me enough.
• After a few more detours regarding the various kaiju, we cut to Sgt. Woods waking up from a nap as Allie applies a washcloth to his head:
  Sgt. Woods: What happened?
  Allie: You took a nap after we found the robot. You slept a long time. I ate some chocolate. And then you woke up.
  Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Wow, there really hasn't been anything happening in this issue, has there, Allie?
  Allie: Are you thirsty?
  Sgt. Woods: I am thirs— Did you say robot?
  Linkara: [as Allie] Yeah, he calls himself "Jet Jaguar", and he keeps singing this annoying song to himself.

743: The Ring, Vol. 0

• The cover of this volume features a baby inside of a ring inside of an eye, who appears to be deep in thought:
  Linkara: [as the baby, thinking] What does my new pacifier say about our society?
  Linkara: Also, just noticed that half the baby is either melting or some kind of monster; either way, the diaper rash is a real risk here.
• Linkara wonders why the blurb on the back mentions the setting of the American adaptation while the manga itself is based on a prequel to the Japanese films:
  Linkara: Like, are the two series in the same universe? Is there a huge epidemic of psychic girls getting shoved into wells? Does the Korean adaptation fit in there, too?! What about the Chinese bootlegs?! Do Samara and Sadako have to team up to take on Bunshinsaba and Kayako?! And if not, why not?! Because that sounds amazing!
• We start the story looking down into the infamous well:
  Sadako: [narrating] Once the ring of fate starts spinning, it cannot be stopped — not even by me.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] At least until I turn off the spin cycle to pour in more detergent.
• A girl named Kiyomi talks to someone on the phone about the cursed videotape:
  Kiyomi: ...And so... What's in that video?
  Girl: Kiyomi, you saw it. Why don't you just tell me?
  Linkara: [as Kiyomi] Look, it's just another "steamed hams" meme variation; stop making a big deal about it.
  Kiyomi: ....Just joking. I won't watch it.
  Linkara: People's reaction when I ask them to watch this show.
• The other girl mentions a well being in the video, which prompts Kiyomi to remember a dream she had about said well last night:
  Kiyomi: When I looked in, it was too dark for me to see anything.
  Linkara: Well, yeah, it's 3 AM; Sadako has to sleep, too, you know. Or do you sleep with your lights on?
  • She then recalls moving to a burned-down house:
    Kiyomi: The house appeared to be uninhabited. And I entered it.
    Linkara: [as Kiyomi] Turned out it was not, and the owner assumed I was a burglar and came out to attack me.
    • Kiyomi continues:
      Kiyomi: I had this... ...feeling that I should not go upstairs.
      Linkara: I mean, this place looks so bad that even the mold thinks it's too grody to be in, so maybe it's just good sense.
• We flash back to 30 years ago, where Akiko Miyaji, a newspaper reporter, talks to Mrs. Sudo, Sadako's old teacher from her time in Izu Ōshima:
  Miyaji: What kind of a girl was Sadako?
  Linkara: [as Sudo] Eh, she was fine, as long as you didn't tell her that DVD was replacing VHS.
  Sudo: Very smart girl... and very pretty too.
  Linkara: [as Sudo] Told me once she really identified with the scene in Poltergeist where Carol Anne is staring at the TV static.
  • Miyaji asks if Sadako had psychic powers like her mother:
    Sudo: Not sure. Every now and then... I... as a teacher, blame myself for not looking after the girl well enough...
    Linkara: [as Sudo] Give her one C-minus on a book report, and it's all downhill from there.
    • Sudo recalls a time when Sadako was so afraid of the ocean that, during a swimming lesson at the beach, she refused to go into the water because her fellow students would die if they went in... which was exactly what happened:
      Linkara: Where was Mitch from Baywatch for this save when they needed him?! However, the teacher reveals that the kids didn't drown.
      Sudo: They died of some sort of shock syndrome. All fourteen of them... There was something in that ocean.
      Linkara: Dammit, Dagon! Can you not be chill for, like, five minutes?!
• We cut to Sadako, alone in a very sparsely furnished apartment:
  Linkara: The truth behind Sadako's evil? She just needed a damn air mattress! She picks up a script and starts reading from it.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] "That is it! I'm going to get me a car that's environmentally friendly!" Wow, this movie's going to make me a star...
  • During a rehearsal, Sadako stares intently at the main actress in her upcoming play, Aiko Hazuki, who gives her an earful during a lunch break as sound technician Hiroshi Tohyama looks on:
    Aiko: Why're you looking at me like that?! You give me the creeps! I can't concentrate on acting for God's sake!!
    Linkara: [as Aiko] How can I possibly do theater acting if people are looking at me?!
    Tohyama: [thinking] Sadako Yamamura... Her deep loneliness and... ...her striking beauty attracts me.
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] I mean, if her beauty was slow-moving instead of striking, I wouldn't give a crap.
• During a visit to her doctor, Wataru Kuno, Sadako sees vaguely humanoid faces in the air but closes her eyes to them:
  Dr. Kuno: Are you getting settled in Tokyo alright?
  Sadako: Yeah.
  Enrico Marini: Yeah.
  Dr. Kuno: During your last visit, we tried that tranquilizer. How was it? Do you still see strange things?
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Yeah, but that's because I let YouTube autoplay run for hours, and auto-generated kids' videos go to some weird places.
  Linkara: She denies seeing anything strange anymore.
  Dr. Kuno: That means, it's your nerves. Psychogenic matter.
  Linkara: That goes great with garlic.
  • Dr. Kuno asks Sadako if she's enjoying her time with the theater troupe, and she admits to feeling better since she joined:
    Dr. Kuno: Is that so... Acting can be used as a treatment for mental problems, you know. The theater turned out to be the best medicine for you after all, huh?
    Linkara: Therapy, medication... Pfft! Just perform Death of a Salesman, and you'll be fine!
• Back at the theater, one of the costumers, Etsuko Tachihara, talks to Sadako after Aiko avoids her:
  Etsuko: If you study her too hard... Aiko will despise you.
  Linkara: Considering she's screaming at Sadako now, I'm curious what "despised" looks like.
  • Sadako admits that she's not so much studying Aiko as she is envious of her part in the play:
    Etsuko: Of course. She's the main character, and everyone envies her.
    Linkara: [as Etsuko] Stagehands, lighting, gaffers; really, everybody wants to be the lead actress and will tear her apart in a jealous mob if given the chance to take it from her.
• In Aiko's dressing room, the makeup artist, a former actress named Kaoru Arima, notes that she doesn't look good lately, which Aiko traces back to when Sadako joined the troupe:
  Arima: What's to worry about? Remember, you also studied me pretty hard at first, trying to steal my secrets.
  Linkara: [as Arima] Then you discovered how many literal skeletons I have in my closet, and that scared you off.
  Aiko: That's not it. I see something behind Sadako.
  Arima: What? What do you see?
  Linkara: [as Aiko] A slightly bigger Sadako...!
  Aiko: A... A well...
  Arima: A well?
  Linkara: Oh, my God! That well is Sadako's Stand!
  Aiko: It's this horrible dream. Entering an old house with a well... There're these stairs leading up to a second floor.
  Linkara: [as Aiko] Then it turns out I'm late for class and I'm naked.
  • Aiko's vivid description of her dream shocks Arima:
    Arima: That nightmare... I had it too!
    Linkara: [as Arima] We should start a band!
    Linkara: The costumer, who had entered a bit ago, overhears this.
    Etsuko: [thinking] Nightmare...?
    Linkara: [as Etsuko] That's not a nightmare; that's my sex dream!
• As the troupe goes through rehearsals, we learn that the play is about a dead woman who comes back to life:
  Aiko: I want to be with you. Ah, you're still vivid in my memory. If I could see you again, what would I say to you?
  Crow T. Robot: Um... there's no afterlife! Sorry!
  Aiko: If this is all just a dream... When I wake up from this dream, if I could be with you.
  Linkara: [as Aiko] Admittedly, I'd be annoyed that you hogged all the sheets, but still!
  • After Aiko freezes up from seeing a ghostly image behind Sadako, the director, Yusaku Shigemori, orders the actors to take a break; while Aiko yells at Sadako for seemingly messing her up, we see Aiko from Sadako's perspective... as a rotting corpse:
    Aiko: You want me to die... Don't you!
    Riddler: That's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking.
    Linkara: Good thing this play has a makeup person; I think you need a touch-up, Aiko.
• Shigemori forces both Sadako and Aiko to leave the stage; later, Tohyama visits Sadako and tries to reassure her that there's nothing to worry about:
  Tohyama: She's just nervous right before opening night.
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] She usually attacks her understudy right before opening night; it's like a theater tradition at this point.
  Sadako: I'm used to this kind of treatment.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Admittedly, it's kind of weird to hear it from my optometrist...
  • After learning that Sadako joined the troupe to forget herself in her parts, Tohyama asks if she loathes herself, but she doesn't know:
    Tohyama: [thinking] That empty look Sadako shows at times... ...as if she's wandering somewhere between reality and a dream.
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] Fortunately, she's got Google Maps on her phone.
• Shigemori tells Aiko that she doesn't seem to grasp what her character is about; after he opines how he's putting his life on the line to make sure the play goes well, he asks Aiko if she's doing the same:
  Linkara: Dude, she's an actress; she doesn't have to put her life on the line for this thing... which I presume to mean "financial investment" and not, like, "this is really risking her life". I mean, unless this is actually a rehearsal for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.
  Shigemori: Don't blame Sadako for your inability to act.
  Linkara: [as Shigemori] Fortunately, we've got a great actor lined up if we need to replace you.
  The Mariner: [flatly] My boat.
  • As final preparations are made, Aiko sees a ghostly vision of a badly bruised girl; as Tohyama records a strange noise, Arima goes to check on Aiko... who is now very much pale, gaunt, and dead:
    Linkara: Oh no, she read the early reviews of her performance!
• Miyaji meets with Dr. Kuno to discuss Sadako's supernatural powers, who explains that said powers are not, in fact, supernatural, but they exist nonetheless:
  Dr. Kuno: Perhaps, calling it supernatural power might be an exaggeration...
  Linkara: [as Dr. Kuno] But it's great for marketing.
  • Dr. Kuno says he believes in a "sixth sense", or an enhanced intuition, such as when a large group of rats flee a ship before it sinks:
    Dr. Kuno: Or, many people may dream of an airplane crash before it occurs.
    Linkara: So, this is actually a Final Destination prequel.
    Dr. Kuno: I think a life may have the ability to sense dangers and miseries ahead of time.
    Linkara: [as Dr. Kuno] Peter Parker isn't special; lots of people have a Spider-Sense.
    Miyaji: Sixth sense sounds rather ambivalent.
    Linkara: And that word choice sounds rather confused.
    Dr. Kuno: That's why the world can maintain its peace.
    Linkara: Ambivalence: the true path to world peace! Still, he has a better thing to say after that.
    Dr. Kuno: What if the existence of supernatural power is proven? What do you think will happen if people realize that some of us are in possession of supernatural power... Perhaps one out of thousands of people?
    Linkara: Then it'll be a very niche party trick, I guess.
• Back at the theater, Shigemori informs the rest of the cast and crew about Aiko's death:
  Shigemori: The cause of Aiko's death is currently unknown.
  Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy.
  Shigemori: The police will perform an autopsy.
  Linkara: [as Shigemori] They'd normally have a pathologist do that, but their current one keeps rambling about finding secret coded messages in the bodies from his old friend.
  • After Sadako is selected to replace Aiko for opening night, she confides to Tohyama how she thinks she unintentionally murdered her since she wanted the part so badly, even seeming to see her ghost, but Tohyama snaps her out of it:
    Tohyama: Sadako... Play that role. You joined the theater to forget who you are, didn't you?
    Linkara: [as Sadako] Actually, I just wanted to be in Hamilton.
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] Everybody hates that now, for some reason; just forget about that, too.
• Dr. Kuno calls his superior, Dr. Heihachiro Ikuma, and asks why he never mentioned the deaths of the reporters at the psychic demonstration before:
  Dr. Ikuma: Sadako doesn't remember any of it. Sadako of today is not Sadako then.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Ikuma] It's almost like her goals and motivations have changed depending on which part of the franchise it is.
• Tohyama and Etsuko study the audio he recorded at the time of Aiko's death, where he surmises that the mysterious noise he heard must have been added to the tape afterwards, which sounds like Aiko's voice saying "Got killed...":
  Linkara: The revival of the "Got Milk?" campaign went to some weird places.
  • Later, Etsuko looks for Sadako and asks Tohyama for her whereabouts:
    Etsuko: A child... ...took Aiko's costume.
    Tohyama: What's that got to do with Sadako?
    Etsuko: Don't know... but that child is Sadako.
    Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• Shigemori asks Sadako if she stayed at Tohyama's the other night, but she says nothing:
  Shigemori: I want to talk to you later.
  Linkara: ...And this is what she sees. [shows Shigemori's face dripping with blood]
  Linkara: [as Shigemori] I have to ask... Do you think this chocolate sauce makes a good exfoliant? Kaoru recommended it, but I'm not really feeling it.
  • During a visit from reporters, Miyaji among them, Sadako suffers a mental break from having her picture taken and unintentionally uses her psychic powers to destroy the cameras; Miyaji's cameraman spots Etsuko nearby as Sadako runs away:
    Cameraman: Hey, that's the girl. She tried to hand that flier to Kuno at the hospital.
    Linkara: [as the cameraman] I was just stalking Dr. Kuno's office, for some reason.
• Back at the newspaper office, Sudo is waiting to speak to Miyaji again:
  Sudo: When you visited, there was something I didn't tell... I never told... ...anyone this.
  Linkara: [as Sudo] Sadako killed the gym teacher when he wouldn't let the kids play with the big parachute.
  • After Miyaji's cameraman develops the photos he took at the theater, they discover that not only is there another Sadako next to the original, but the other troupe members have their faces distorted, meaning they're now marked with Sadako's "curse"; the cameraman says they will never be able to publish such a story, but Miyaji admits this was never about an article:
    Linkara: It's not?! Then what the hell is the culture section supposed to publish now?! You've still got years before Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera!
• At the theater, Shigemori tells Sadako that he remembers the psychic demonstration involving her mother; now, he's figured out that not only did she kill the reporters that fateful day, but also likely killed Aiko too:
  Shigemori: I was looking for a woman like you. An ideal actress.
  Linkara: [as Shigemori] Yes, psychic murderers are the best actresses!
  Shigemori: I can understand you better than anyone. Better than Tohyama. You can't live in this world without me. You are mine!!
  Linkara: Harvey Weinstein: the early years.
• Miyaji contacts Etsuko for a favor:
  Miyaji: Could I meet you tomorrow before the theater opens?
  Linkara: [as Miyaji] I've got to be honest, this play is going to bomb; you need to retool this thing before it opens.
• After Shigemori's death, Sadako and Tohyama talk about their plans for when the body is discovered; Sadako thinks she's a monster who makes everyone unhappy, but Tohyama says she isn't and wants to be with her forever:
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] Thinking we could live somewhere small and cozy, but, like, tall, you know? Maybe some nice stonework and access to fresh water?
• On the day of the show, the cast and crew are unable to find Shigemori; Arima suspects Sadako's involvement, but there's nothing anyone can do since the play can't be canceled now:
  Linkara: And hey, look: the name of the play is "The Mask". Now I just have this image in my head of Sadako, but played by Jim Carrey.
  • Just before showtime, Tohyama tells Sadako that he'll move Shigemori's body when the lights go out:
    Tohyama: Despite this... Sadako, it's still your debut.
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] You're going to be the best VTuber out there!
    • Unfortunately, the body is discovered anyway, and Arima orders everyone to not let Sadako escape when the play is over:
      Linkara: Well, that's just great; now you need a third actress for this role!
• As the play is performed, Sadako kills Dr. Kudo after seeing a vision of her mother and tries to run, only to get cornered by the rest of the cast and crew and beaten to death as Tohyama collapses in grief:
  Linkara: A truly tragic end to Sadako... which, of course, leads to her creating a haunted videotape wherein she crawls out of the well-- Hey, wait a second...
• Miyaji, Etsuko, Arima, and Tohyama travel to Dr. Ikuma's house for answers, where Tohyama watches over Sadako's body:
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] My love, I hate to even bring this up... but we still have three more performances scheduled for this week, and your replacement sucks, so if there's any way your psychic powers can bring you back from the dead, it'd be really helpful for the theater.
  • Dr. Ikuma explains to the group how the "two Sadakos" came to be, saying that her soul was split into two after the demonstration; as the group heads into the house to kill the other Sadako, the Sadako with Tohyama is revived, leaving Arima in particular very confused:
    Arima: How come she resurrected?
    Linkara: Eh, don't worry about it; that's the plot of, like, half of these movies. It won't take.
    • As Dr. Ikuma theorizes how Sadako was brought back to life after the two halves of her soul fused back together, Sadako and Tohyama escape to the cliffs overlooking the sea; after Tohyama reaffirms his promise to stay with her forever, Sadako lets her dark half overtake her, and the last we see of Tohyama is him saying that he loves her:
      Linkara: Or, you know, we could have him 30 years later telling a reporter about how she was a fling he had but she was also sleeping with the director, and finding weird little altars in sound booths that have umbilical cords in them, and then gives him a heart attack after she resurrects from being clone-birthed by one of her victims, and this is all just an elaborate revenge scheme for her mom. [beat] The novels are dumb.
• Dr. Ikuma eventually catches up to Sadako crying over the people she just killed:
  Dr. Ikuma: Sadako... Let's go home.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Ikuma] You're grounded, young lady!
  • After being poisoned and sliced with a cleaver, Sadako is thrown down the well by Dr. Ikuma, who seals it up with her still inside:
    Linkara: [as Dr. Ikuma] So, uh... Yeah, you'll probably be alive down there for, like, 30 years, b-but hey, I don't expect a Father's Day card after this. [beat] Maybe Christmas.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Etsuko: A child... ...took Aiko's costume.
  Tohyama: What's that got to do with Sadako?
  Etsuko: Don't know... but that child is Sadako.
  Linkara: Are we leading to a Spartacus moment where we suddenly have everybody yelling, "No, I'm Sadako!"?

744: Sadako at the End of the World

• Chapter 1 of the manga is titled "Ai and Hii-chan":
  Linkara: Wait, "Ai"? Well, I see the "teenage sexbot" plan to end wars in E-Robot was a dismal failure.
• We open on Sadako making her entrance by crawling out of a television:
  Captions: Sadako... ...is a ghost who emerges from a cursed video.
  Linkara: But her best work was when she was indie.
  Captions: Everyone who watches the video... ...even children... ...will be killed by the curse of Sadako in one week's time...
  Linkara: [as the captions] By having their DNA altered by magnetic tape so that you get a heart attack or you give birth to a clone of her. [beat] No, I'm still not over that.
  • However, this is not your typical horror story, as the two girls who witnessed Sadako's arrival, Ai and Hii, can barely contain their excitement:
    Ai: Wowie!! That was our first video!!
    Linkara: Oh, good one, Sadako; now you've raised the bar for every other videotape they watch now.
    Ai: But who cares about that! We haven't seen a real moving person in forever!
    Linkara: [as Ai] And the not-moving ones don't taste very good.
    Ai: Wow, we can even touch her! Is this that 3D stuff?
    Linkara: Oh, God; civilization will get restored, and these kids will champion another 3D gimmick craze in movies!
    Ai: The tech they had in the olden days sure is something!
    Linkara: These kids are going to find out about LaserDisc and scream for hours in excitement.
    • When Ai asks Sadako for her name, she chalks up her not getting a response to the TV's speaker being broken:
      Linkara: Man, imagine how powerful Sadako's voice will be if they can get the subwoofers going.
• To get around the communication barrier, Sadako picks up a nearby tablet and uses it to write her name in kanji:
  Ai: Writing!! Cool! ...But how d'you read that?
  Linkara: UGH! What are they even teaching kids in the post-apocalypse?! We better cut education funding even more! [beat] That'll show 'em.
  • As Sadako attempts to adjust to her new reality, Ai puts in another tape, but finds that it doesn't play:
    Ai: Weird. Yours is the only video that works.
    Snake Jailbird: [holding a Betamax player] Oh no! Beta!
    • After letting the girls believe she has to leave them in a week, Sadako asks them about the lack of people:
      Ai: Never seen any around here, nope.
      Linkara: Well, one nice thing about this apocalypse: no bearded idiots punching chicken robots while screaming that they're a man.
• Sadako wonders to herself what would happen if there truly are no other people left on the planet:
  Captions: "If... ...these girls really are the last survivors... ...then my curse ends with them..." Sadako thought.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] God, I'm going to have to get a job!
• Linkara wonders what a generic, everyday conversation with Sadako would look like:
  Linkara: So, how's life been with you?
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Still dead, still stuck in a tape, still lots of static.
  Linkara: Hm, that's cool. Oh hey, there's a new Star Wars movie coming out!
  Linkara: [as Sadako] What's a Star Wars?
• That night, the girls invite Sadako to share a bed with them in an abandoned house:
  Captions: Sadako searched the area, but indeed, there was nobody else around.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] God, open world games suck if there's nothing to actually do in the open world!
  Captions: Sadako thought... "...If there are other survivors... ...I want to curse them all."
  Linkara: Sadako begins her pyramid scheme.
  • The girls share a blanket with Sadako and tell her they'll look for more people tomorrow:
    Ai: Back when there were lots of people... ...friends and strangers would come together... ...to laugh and cry and do all sorts of stuff.
    Linkara: [as Ai] Usually all at the same time if they're watching the Guardians of the Galaxy movies.
• Chapter 2 has the title "Yamane the Beautician":
  Linkara: Business is slow after the apocalypse, yet still somehow fully booked for days.
  Captions: Sadako is the ghost of the cursed video. She's currently searching for other people with the help of two girls who watched her video.
  Linkara: That's cool, but when does Sadako get the invitation to join the Brotherhood of Steel?
  • Ai, Hii, and Sadako make their way to where they think a city is; after Ai remarks how she hopes they won't run into any bad guys, Hii asks her what a "bad guy" is:
    Ai: Someone who could attack us with a weapon—
    Linkara: ...And she gets hit in the face with a towel. Oh, my God, Arthur Dent's gone berserk!
• The trio run into a hairdresser named Yamane, and after a brief misunderstanding, they explain in their shop how they're a beautician:
  Hii: Boo-tish-on?
  Yamane: I'm like a wizard who draws out the beauty in people!
  Linkara: [as Yamane] I also used to be able to turn people into frogs, but then they discontinued that shampoo.
  • Sadako tries to sneak out of the shop to avoid an unnecessary haircut, but Yamane catches her and insists on taking care of her split ends:
    Yamane: That feeling! Of scissors slicing through hair!! So fun, I'm tempted to chop it all off!
    Linkara: Oh, God, Yamane's one of those people who went nutty after the apocalypse and started collecting people's cut-off heads or something!
    • Yamane asks the girls where they came from, with Ai stating that they've just been walking around for a while:
      Ai: Oh! But Sada-chan came from a video!
      Linkara: [as Ai] But she doesn't like to talk about when her channel was all just prank stuff.
      Yamane: Video? You mean those old tapes, from way back when...?
      Linkara: [as Yamane] Sadako... Did you have a Jazzercise tape?!
• As the girls begin to leave, Yamane advises them that there are two more ghost towns to pass through before they reach a residential area, though they may not find anyone there:
  Yamane: Business isn't exactly booming around here either.
  Linkara: [as Yamane] But hey, no more government that I have to pay property taxes to, so I'm keeping this place open.
  • Sadako briefly leaves Ai and Hii for one last meeting with Yamane, and when she returns, Ai points out how her straightened-out hair is now messed up again:
    Linkara: [as Ai] Aw geez, you should've taken Yamane with you if that was what was going to happen.
• Chapter 3 is given the title "Granny Is a Witch":
  Linkara: Oh, come on, it's after the apocalypse; you're in no position to be judgy.
• In the residential area, Hii finds a photograph in an abandoned house:
  Hii: Face-paper!
  Linkara: No, no, silly Hii; face-paper is when I'm writing a script and I take the paper and do this. [pushes the paper into his face and screams into it]
  • Ai and Hii notice that Sadako has been barefoot this whole time and ask why she's not wearing any shoes:
    Sadako's Tablet: No need.
    Linkara: [as Sadako] John McClane's got nothing on me.
    • Ai remarks that she's disappointed because they were supposed to find people in the residential area, but there's no one to be seen:
      Linkara: [as Ai] We've run into three killer robots, a Deathclaw, and a bunch of zombies, but no real people. [sigh] Ah well; let's try our luck tomorrow when we get beyond that Thunderdome.
• As the girls prepare to set up camp for the night, they suddenly smell someone cooking something:
  Linkara: Oh, good; they found the cannibals.
  • Actually, it's an old woman, who invites the trio inside when they come to her window:
    Woman: All I have are fruits and veggies from the field here, but... ...please, eat up.
    Linkara: [as the woman] They're only slightly radioactive!
• Later that night, Sadako meets up with the woman, who shares her photos with her and says she was once a beautiful actress:
  Woman: I didn't think you could talk, but... ...I suppose that magic screen can talk for you?
  Sadako's Tablet: Magic?
  Linkara: [as the woman] Well, those things make $800 disappear if you break them, so yeah, I'd say it's magic.
  Linkara: Sadako asks if she's not acting anymore.
  Woman: Oh, life has become like a one-person play.
  Linkara: [as the woman] Admittedly, no one came to my one-woman show before the apocalypse, but still.
  Woman: It turned into a make-believe world before you knew it.
  Linkara: [as the woman] Unfortunately, it's a Twilight Zone episode; I keep having to shoo off Rod Serling whenever he stops by to narrate over me.
  • The woman says she's okay with dying soon, and only survived this long because she thought her daughter might need her, but it's obvious that she's gone:
    Woman: A story can't exist without someone to keep it going. What kind of story are you telling... ...my magic little girl?
    Linkara: [as Sadako] Lady, I'm at least 50 by now; I spent more than half my life in a well.
• Ai and the woman act out their own version of "Hansel and Gretel" with a projector Sadako fixed up and some clothes they grabbed from the nearby town, until Hii wakes up and joins them:
  Woman: Looks like we've found a second Gretel.
  Linkara: Oh, my God, they're completely off-script at this point; this is worse than the play Sadako was in right before she died!
• In the fourth chapter, Ai asks where Sadako lives, who explains that she lives in a well, drawing a picture of one after the girls get confused:
  Ai: The entrance looks like a pipe!
  Linkara: Have we had it wrong this whole time, and Sadako is actually an evolved form of a Piranha Plant from Mario?
  • Hii finds a well, only for Sadako to remark that it's not hers:
    Ai: So someone else lives in this one?
    Linkara: [as Sadako] Yeah, but the property values on this one have got to be through the roof...
• After a brief scare involving Hii briefly falling down the well only to get spat back out, the group encounters Okiku the Plate Ghost from Japanese folklore; Ai asks her if the well is her house, who laughs at the notion:
  Okiku: No. Not my house...
  Linkara: [as Okiku] This is more like my toolshed.
  • Ai asks Okiku why she's see-through when Sadako isn't, though she thinks it might be because Sadako came from a video:
    Okiku: A video... I've heard of a fellow curse like that...
    Linkara: [as Okiku] Sadako... We should totally collab on something.
• As thanks for being given a brand-new plate to replace her missing one, Okiku gives the girls some advice:
  Okiku: Should you remain with that girl... ...death awaits you.
  Linkara: [gasps] Oh, my God! Hii's going to kill them!
• As the trio come upon Sadako's well, we reach the final chapter of the manga, "We Love You, Sada-chan!":
  Linkara: [as Ai] But we love Stalin more! [beat; normally] Now, there's a deep cut for the 15th anniversary.
  Sadako: [narrating] I died alone, at the bottom of the well. I was born of my resentment against the world, imbued in the video.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] And yet, people still ignore the FBI warning at the start.
  Sadako: [narrating] All who watch the video are cursed. That is who I am. But if I curse the last two people in the world...
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Then I get the high score!
  • After Ai and Hii spot some writing in the well, Sadako says it means the well is filled in; Ai suggests they spend the rest of the day playing together since their journey is now complete, but Sadako knows the writing actually says, "When every last person is gone, the curse will fade.":
    Captions: "If the curse kills these final survivors... ...perhaps... I will disappear too..." Sadako thought.
    Linkara: Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, there's some post-apocalyptic scavenger walking around with a dog going, "Aw man, it's great to not be cursed by evil videotapes! In fact, there are no VCRs anywhere near me, and I think I'm going to keep it that way!"
• That night, Ai asks Sadako to take a walk with her, and tells her that she understood what the message in the well was trying to say, now knowing everything that happened to her:
  Ai: Your video doesn't have a happy ending, right, Sada-chan?
  Linkara: Are you kidding? In Ring: Kanzenban, the tape ends like this. [snaps his fingers and plays a clip showing two men goofing around next to a woman with an electric guitar]
  Ai: But... ...this week was so much fun. You helped me do everything I ever wanted, so... ...I'm ready to give you what you want, Sada-chan.
  Linkara: Sadako writes out, "Give me an Apple Pen for my tablet."
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: So, if this is the "Salon in the Great Beyond", do they still have to tip Yamane? Especially after Sadako just fwoomps out new hair?

745: Spider-Man: The Mark of Kaine (15TH ANNIVERSARY)

• Linkara opens the episode by getting a few things off his chest:
  Linkara: You know what the best part is? This has actually been a pretty low-key Halloween. No ghosts, no horrible monsters coming to murder me; all we have are a bunch of multicolored Cybermats attacking Clive Sinclair.
  Clive: [as said Cybermats gather near him] I, uh... What am I supposed to do?
  Linkara: See you in January, hopefully! But anyway, yeah, fifteen years. I'm sorry I don't have anything huge to celebrate the occasion. Fifteen's a good number to do that sort of thing, but it's been pretty damn hectic: schedule slippages, Patreon polls, streams, making multicolored Cybermats.
  Clive: They're all staring at me...
  Linkara: Good, good! Don't show fear, Clive; they can smell it on you!
• Web of Spider-Man #124 opens with Peter in custody on Ryker's Island for allegedly murdering Detective Jacob Raven's partner, Louise Kennedy:
  Peter: [thinking] This isn't really happening. Aunt May can't be dead. She can't be.
  Linkara: [as Peter] That's just a non-start for this series; she'll be back in no time.
  Peter: [thinking] Mary Jane can't be alone now, carrying our unborn child. My clone can't be alive, back on the loose in New York.
  Linkara: [as Peter] Especially my clone being alive and running loose in New York. Not now, not in the 2020s; just not happening at all.
  Peter: [thinking] And I can't possibly be under arrest... ...for first-degree murder.
  Linkara: [as Peter] I mean, manslaughter, sure, but who hasn't done that?
• We cut over to Ben Reilly and Mary Jane in Dr. Seward Trainer's lab, as she asks the good doctor to perform a check-up on her pregnancy since she discovered something weird about it:
  Dr. Trainer: I'm certainly the closest thing you'll find to an expert on "Spider-Men," Mrs. Parker... ...but I won't make a diagnosis until all the variables have been factored.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Trainer] For instance, is it allergic to shrimp? That's a variable we haven't considered yet.
  Mary Jane: [thinking] He's talking about Peter's irradiated blood.
  Linkara: [as Mary Jane] Now my baby's radioactive! That can't be good!
  • While Mary Jane understandably wishes Peter was with her during this difficult time, she's thankful for Reilly's company:
    Mary Jane: Reilly— —how's it feel to be an uncle?
    Linkara: [as Reilly] Like someone will make my character evil in 30 years, but that's normal, right?
• Meanwhile, the new Peter Parker clone, recently awakened following the "Smoke and Mirrors" arc, makes his way to Aunt May's house, inspecting his old room after learning of her death:
  Peter Clone: [thinking] ...just like I remember it.
  Linkara: [as the Peter clone] Unwashed dirty clothes pile exactly where I left it!
  • As he walks down the stairs, the clone tries to wrap his head around Aunt May actually being deceased:
    Peter Clone: What's happened while I've been gone? How long have I been gone...?
    Linkara: [as the Peter clone] There's a Star Trek: The Next Generation now?!
    Linkara: Gotta love the coloring on his face; he's either really badly sunburnt, or he's turning into the Red Hulk.
    • The clone reacts in shock after destroying a table with a picture of Uncle Ben and Aunt May on it in a fit of rage, reassuring himself that he is the genuine Peter Parker:
      Peter Clone: So who's the impostor — with my face and name...
      Linkara: [as the Peter clone] That's it, I'm calling an emergency meeting! No, I don't care if you were doing the Simon Says minigame!
• After Dr. Trainer wraps up his tests, Mary Jane begins her walk home; after she leaves, Reilly tries to follow her as the Scarlet Spider:
  Dr. Trainer: And where do you think you're going, m'boy...?
  Scarlet Spider: After her, of course. This city's not safe at night anymore.
  Dr. Trainer: It never was, Benjamin.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Trainer] You'd think there were hundreds of supervillains running around New York looking for a hero's love interest-- Okay, fair point; after her.
  Dr. Trainer: But I'm not done with you just yet...
  Linkara: [as Dr. Trainer] We have to test your pregnancy now, Ben.
• At the Daily Bugle, Robbie argues with Jameson about whether or not to print the story about Peter's arrest and trial:
  Robbie: I know you're secretly paying for Peter's lawyer...
  Linkara: Oh, well, that explains why he's so bad at it; Jameson got the cheapest one he could find who wasn't already a crook.
  • Robbie accuses Jameson of crossing a line by burying the story:
    Jameson: This is my newspaper, Robertson. Mine.
    Linkara: [as Jameson] And if I want to print a listicle called "15 Ways Peter Parker Is Innocent and Spider-Man Is Framing Him", then I'll do it!
• As Mary Jane continues her walk back home, an arm grabs her from a nearby sewer grate and drags her in:
  Linkara: Goddammit, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! This is not the time! No, it's Kaine.
  Kaine: You shall know me as Kaine...
  Linkara: [as Kaine] Eventually you will, anyway; in the meantime, you will know me as Steve.
• The Amazing Spider-Man #401 picks up where the previous part left off, with Mary Jane running into the Peter clone during her escape from the sewers:
  Peter Clone: Mary Jane... You've got to listen to me! I... I am Peter... but not the Peter you married!
  Linkara: [as Mary Jane] Oh, geez; let me get out the clipboard. Okay... time traveler, clone, parallel universe, or magic duplicate?
  • After Kaine catches up with the pair, the Peter clone starts a fight with him as Mary Jane makes her escape; the clone is no match for Kaine, however; as he is knocked out after getting slammed into a brick wall:
    Kaine: Pathetic. The gene pool must have been thinning out when Warren hatched you.
    Linkara: I don't know, man; you're the guy who failed to break his nose, even with an impact like that.
• We cut back to Ryker's Island:
  Captions: His "parents" die, his clone returns. He faces death then cheats it. Loses Aunt May. Gains an unborn child. And now this insane murder charge!
  Tom Servo: Every single reference to your past paints an ever-darker picture of a damaged, lonely little man.
  • As Peter attempts to break out, he runs into none other than Judas Traveller, who warns him that he will drown if he tries to swim away:
    Peter: What do you care?! If there's anything I learned about you last time... it's that people don't matter to you! We're just chess pieces for you to move around!
    Linkara: [as Traveller] Actually, you're more like my Warhammer miniatures, but I get your point.
    Traveller: Perhaps I don't care. Or perhaps I care... more than you could ever imagine.
    Linkara: [as Traveller] Can go either way, really; the writers haven't figured out my backstory yet.
    • Traveller explains to Peter that he has cast an illusion showing him still in his cell, and his protégée Chakra will teleport him back to town:
      Peter: I don't understand! Why are you helping me? It doesn't make any—
      Traveller: Continue to question me... And my help— —will be withdrawn.
      Linkara: [as Traveller] Look, we need some magical bullcrap to move the plot along while not interrupting the trial stuff; just go with the flow, Pete.
• During another encounter with Kaine and the Peter clone at her apartment, Mary Jane is knocked unconscious, waking up in an underground cave:
  Mary Jane: W-Where am I...?
  Kaine: I suppose you could call it a... purgatory of sorts. Where lost souls hide from both Hell and Heaven.
  Linkara: [as Kaine] Also known as Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
• The Scarlet Spider finds the Peter clone in the apartment and grills him for answers regarding Mary Jane's whereabouts... only for the real Peter to suddenly show up:
  Linkara: Oh, my God, it's like they're actually doing the "multiple Spider-Men pointing at each other" meme in the comic before it was a thing.
• In Spider-Man #58, the Peter clone tells the other two Peters to leave, saying he's taking back his life, but the real Peter tells him he is, in fact, Peter Parker and demands to know where Mary Jane went:
  Peter Clone: No... Don't say that... You're not Peter... You're not me!
  Other Peter: I am you, and you're me, and this is a gun.
  • After the Peter clone gets knocked out by the Scarlet Spider, the real Peter puts on pieces of his black costume to begin his search for Mary Jane and Kaine and tells Scarlet Spider to look after the clone, but the clone is nowhere to be seen:
    Linkara: Oh, my God! He's not a clone... He's a ghost!
• In the cave, Mary Jane tries to convince Kaine to let her leave, saying he'll have to kill her to stop her, but Kaine responds that he wants all of what Peter Parker has:
  Kaine: And there is only one way I know of getting it!
  Linkara: [as Kaine] A loan application! Can I use you as a reference?
  • As Kaine has a vision of Mary Jane's death, she activates a Spider-Tracer hidden in her keychain and makes a run for it:
    Kaine: [thinking] It is torturous for me to have to play these cat and mouse games with her... ...having seen what I've seen. The visions of her broken and dying body. The time has come. Why does she have to keep doing this?
    Linkara: [as Kaine] All I've done is kidnap her and offer absolutely zero explanation for who I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing! What's your problem, lady?!
• As the three Spider-Men track Mary Jane's location to the sewers and fight over who gets to save her and deal with Kaine, Kaine himself catches up to her; as the Spider-Men intervene, Mary Jane is left more confused than ever:
  Mary Jane: What is this? How can this be?
  Linkara: For he is the Kwisatz Haderach! And so is he! And also him!
• In The Spectacular Spider-Man #224, as the Scarlet Spider fights the now-degenerated Peter clone (hereafter referred to as "Spidercide"), Kaine brings a large chunk of wall down on the creature, to Scarlet Spider's horror, only for him to pop right back up none the worse for wear as his body continues to morph:
  Scarlet Spider: Freakface seems capable of instantaneously recoding his own DNA!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Spider] He's like a living VHS tape!
• After Peter sees Mary Jane to safety, she gives him a kiss and asks him to go back and save Reilly:
  Mary Jane: Just remember that we have a firm date to live happily ever after... And I'm counting on you to keep it!
  Linkara: Fifteen years later, and One More Day is still the worst.
  • After taking Spidercide out of commission for the time being, Peter and Reilly patch things up by agreeing to switch places, with Reilly going to jail in Peter's place so he can return to his wife:
    Linkara: And remember that this whole thing is happening because a clone of him just got blown up. [singing] I learned to stay true to myself by watching myself die!
• In Spider-Man Unlimited #9, the Sinister Six convene to take down Kaine once and for all, with Hobgoblin willing to supply the team with extra firearms should they need them:
  Vulture: So... You're all a bunch of weaklings who can't defeat this Kaine with the weapons you already have?!? Even the Beetle didn't want any extra firepower!
  Linkara: Truly, Spider-Man's deadliest and most cunning foe... the Beetle. [beat] I honestly keep forgetting the Beetle exists.
  • And with that, the group split up, each member covering their own sectors of the area:
    Hobgoblin: —Operation Kaine-Kill!!!
    Linkara: Soul of a poet, the Hobgoblin.
• We cut over to Peter in the Scarlet Spider suit:
  Captions: He looks like the Scarlet Spider. He swings like the Scarlet Spider.
  Ford Prefect: Steers like a cow.
  • He runs into the Beetle on his way back to Mary Jane, who is defeated by flying into an antenna and a chimney while he's distracted:
    Peter: [thinking] As always, the Beetle is a man of great fortitude. In his dreams!!
    Linkara: Man, I bet they were going to reveal the Beetle as the true mastermind behind the Clone Saga until Tom Lyle got to him.
• Over at Ryker's Island, we see that Reilly has sadly contracted Youngblood's disease:
  Linkara: Give to the Youngblood's Disease Foundation today, care of Atop the Fourth Wall, and we can someday get these poor people their eyes back.
  • Worrying about Mary Jane, Reilly asks a guard for his phone call:
    Reilly: Hey, guard... ...I want to make a phone call.
    Guard: Who is it this time, Parker? You make more phone calls than anyone else in here.
    Linkara: [as Reilly] Look, I just have someone special in my life that I need to contact.
    MAC Commercial Narrator: His name is MAC. You can call him at 1-900-909-4MAC.
    • After Reilly leaves his messages, he is visited by Felicia Hardy, who Peter met after the previous Clone Saga; after Reilly bluffs his way through the conversation, Felicia begins to pick up that something's going on with "Peter":
      Felicia: [thinking] I had heard something about Peter acting strangely over the last few weeks, but I had no idea it was so bad.
      Linkara: [as Felicia] Did he know that he had mustard in his hair?
      Felicia: [thinking] I mean, he acted like he didn't even know me... Felicia Hardy... the Black Cat.
      Linkara: [as Felicia] Then again, I apparently need to remind myself in my own head who I am: Felicia Hardy, the Black Cat.
• After four hours, Hobgoblin considers calling the operation off, only to be attacked by someone in a Spider-Man costume... who reveals himself to be Kaine:
  Kaine: [thinking] I tear off the Spider-Man costume, a costume that I got on one of my trips into Parker's home. It's mine now.
  Cyber-Leader: Your logic is correct.
  • Hobgoblin fires some gunshots at Kaine, then follows up with a few more gadgets:
    Hobgoblin: Eat some laser and a pumpkin bomb, you freak!!
    Linkara: Hobgoblin's signature catchphrase. Kaine notes that Hobgoblin is as strong as the Grim Hunter was, but less focused.
    Kaine: [thinking] There is fear in his behavior. A fear that eats into the darkest areas of his soul. The places no one wishes to look at.
    Linkara: Well, yeah, but that's only because he hasn't had a chance to mop it in a while.
    • The other villains arrive to give Hobgoblin some backup:
      Captions: All of the Sinister Seven have the same thought running through their minds...
      Linkara: [as the captions] "Wait, there were seven of us this whole time? And why did the cover call this the 'Sinister Six'?"
• The post-credits stinger:
  Clive: Are you sure these Cybermats are safe?
  Linkara: Oh, I forgot: we're actually calling them "Robomats" now for copyright reasons. I'm planning on selling them.
  Clive: Cool, cool! Hehe... You didn't answer my question.
  Linkara: Was that fear you showed? [zap, thud] Yep, that was fear.

746: Sadako-san and Sadako-chan

• Linkara explains that this is a parody manga revolving around a single question — "What if Sadako became a YouTuber?":
  Linkara: I don't know about you guys, but I can't wait to see Sadako's four-hour retrospective on SpongeBob SquarePants.
• The manga opens with the first chapter, "Nice to Meet You, I'm Sadako.":
  Sadako: [thinking] My name is Sadako. I crawl out of TVs and curse people to death.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] But I don't do it for the money; I do it for the art.
  Sadako: [thinking] My next victim is inside this padlocked closet. To be honest, it seems like more trouble than it's worth.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] But if I don't do it, my supervisor will be on my ass for days.
  Linkara: She uses her powers to break the padlock and chain.
  Sadako: [thinking] But I was summoned here after all.
  Linkara: Sadako's starting a new career as a locksmith.
  • As Sadako opens the closet, the girl inside it recognizes her:
    Girl: It's Sadako-san!
    Linkara: Aw geez, she wants an autograph; this is why you need to bring a pen with you, Sadako.
    • As the two girls communicate using their psychic powers, Sadako is confused:
      Sadako: (You know who I am?)
      Girl: I looked you up on my phone. You're famous!
      Linkara: Realizing the business opportunities, Sadako becomes the official spokesperson of Blockbuster Video. Sadako wonders if she isn't too young for a smartphone.
      Girl: It's not that weird. Oh, you're old, aren't you?
      Linkara: ...And Sadako does not take that remark well, saying she's not that old, and can still climb up wells.
      Girl: A well.
      Linkara: So, the true way to defeat a ghost is to be an asshole to them?
      Girl: My mom gave me this phone. I'm not allowed to leave. But I can go online!
      Linkara: Who needs freedom when you've got Reddit?
• The girl explains that her mother considers her to be Sadako's reincarnation, given her psychic abilities, and is worried that people would be afraid of her:
  Girl: She's doing it all for me. That's why I do what she says.
  Linkara: Oh yeah, she read that book on parenting that Carrie's mom wrote; it's a real page-turner.
  • The girl wonders how Sadako got in, since she apparently needed something like a TV to enter:
    Sadako: (Not many people watch videos these days.)
    Girl: You mean like those DVD and Blu-ray things, right?
    Linkara: Somewhere, there's a lost chapter in between Ringu 2 and Sadako 3D where the cursed video was on DVD.
    Sadako: (Yeah, hardly anyone watches TV anymore.)
    Linkara: That's why there's so little anime being made; sad, really. But yeah, Sadako's annoyed that streaming sites are all anyone watches. Well, I'm sorry, Sadako, but if it's a choice between Law & Order reruns or someone reviewing every single thing that ever aired on Nickelodeon, especially the weird early stuff that nobody has ever heard of, one is going to be more interesting to me! [beat] Watch Pop Arena, folks; it's good stuff.
• The girl gets an idea to cheer Sadako up:
  Girl: Let's be video creators!
  Sadako: (Video creators?)
  Girl: It's the hottest job right now!
  Linkara: [as the girl] You get to stress yourself out by trying to get three long videos out a few days before October ends, while also putting out daily videos about horror comics, ALL IN A VAIN HOPE THAT THE NEXT MONTH, YOU CAN GET BACK ON SCHEDULE, AND HOPEFULLY ACTUALLY HAVE THE DAMN STORYLINE COMPLETED BEFORE—!
  • The prospect of being able to curse more people through making videos intrigues Sadako:
    Girl: You just thought: "What should we call ourselves?" I thought you were going to do this alone?
    Linkara: [as the girl] I mean, I'm happy to be a mod for your Discord.
    • After Sadako and the girl agree to call each other "Sadako-san" and "Sadako-chan" respectively (which Linkara will refer to as "Sadako" and "Sada" to avoid confusion), Sadako suggests a name for their channel:
      Sadako: (That makes two Sadakos, so... what about "Double Sadako"?)
      Linkara: Sada is unimpressed. Personally, I'm fond of "Sada-dos".
• The chapter ends with Sada happily drawing a picture of her and her new friend:
  Linkara: Don't get too excited, Sada; the last kid she hung out with on a project didn't make it past day seven with her.
• In the next chapter, "Video Creator Kazuma", Sada reads some Tweets on her phone:
  Sho0891: Recently, curse videos have been making a comeback.
  Andrew: What are curse videos?
  Linkara: You know, drama channels.
• We cut over to Kazuma Akikawa, a 22-year-old content creator lamenting his low view and subscriber counts:
  Kazuma: What can I do...?
  Linkara: [as Kazuma] Better spend $400 on some grifter giving advice on how to get a bigger channel, even though they themselves have low view counts.
  • He sees that Double Sadako's cursed video is on the "Trending" tab, with 250,000 views so far:
    Kazuma: I'm so jealous. Horror videos are tough to beat.
    Linkara: Just don't do videos on comic books; nobody gives a damn... unless you're Comic Drake... or ComicPop... or GodzillaMendoza— Okay, so I'm seeing that the problem is actually me.
• Kazuma decides to give the video a watch:
  Sadako: (Heeey! Sadako here! ☆)
  Linkara [as Sadako] Hey, it's me, Sadako, ya boy. Smash that Like button.
  • Sada explains to their viewers that they're actually hearing Sadako's voice telepathically since she's a ghost, but since it requires a lot of energy, she can't do it for very long:
    Sada: Whatever! Shorter videos do better!
    Linkara: Well, they probably did at the time; the algorithm is a fickle, horrible thing, and there's a reason why I don't split videos into multiple parts anymore. [beat] And also why I keep making jokes about three-hour videos detailing the history of IKEA furniture design.
    Sadako: (Check out Sadako-chan's crib with us!)
    Linkara: Man, I joked a second ago, but kudos to Sadako for getting the slang down quickly.
    • After Sadako shows off Sada's talisman-covered closet and gets tired, the video ends, leaving Kazuma confused:
      Kazuma: That was a cursed video?
      Linkara: I mean, it will be when someone tries to put it in a "cringe compilation" when there was nothing awful about it.
      Kazuma: [thinking] The people in the comments are loving it?!
      Linkara: [as Kazuma] There are only five comments with slurs in them out of a thousand!
      Linkara: Kazuma wonders where he remembers the name "Sadako" from.
      Kazuma: [thinking] Oh, that "cursed video" that was popular years ago?
      Linkara: How is a cursed video ever "popular"? Like, you watch it, and then you die a week later; the fandom kind of burns out quickly, is what I'm saying.
• After Sadako teleports in behind Kazuma, disappointed by the lack of a TV, Kazuma suggests using his computer monitor:
  Sadako: (If it's not a CRT TV, it just doesn't feel right.)
  Linkara: Don't be too judgy of her; there is something to be said about the aesthetics of older, lower-quality media that can be appealing or preferable to some people. There's a reason analog horror so often uses VHS static and distortion, even if it's nonsensical to do so... though, not in some of them. Say, how'd this Winter of '83 DVD get in my hand?
  • Kazuma points out how Sadako can use ads to make money:
    Kazuma: Then you start getting offers for sponsorships.
    Sadako: (Ads?)
    Kazuma: What?! You don't have any adverts?! Even though you have over eight hundred thousand subscribers?!
    Linkara: [as Kazuma] Think how much Raid: Shadow Legends you could be promoting right now!
• Back at the closet, Sadako tells Sada about her meeting with Kazuma:
  Sada: So, you made a new friend? That's great! The Internet is amazing!
  Linkara: [as Sada] For example, I discovered all this porn of you! Did you know your boobs are so big that you can't fit through TVs?
• In the third chapter, "Sadako's Principles", Sadako emerges from a bathtub, berating Sada for not checking on her after five minutes like she was asked to:
  Sada: You know I can't leave this room. The bathtub isn't a good replacement for a well, Sadako-san.
  Linkara: Yeah, but her well's getting fumigated right now, so she needs a place to stay.
  • The two discuss the difficulties they're having cursing people, which Sadako chalks up to a lack of CRT TVs:
    Sadako: (Being a video creator is fun... but crawling out of a smartphone and stuff kind of goes against my principles.)
    Linkara: [as Sadako] What do you think I am, that stupid Facebook ghost from Unfriended?! I am Sadako Goddamn Yamamura, and I won't stand for it!
    • Sadako attempts to travel through Sada's phone but gives up partway through, saying she's gained weight recently:
      Sada: Then how about we do a diet video for our next upload? It's a popular subject among famous video creators.
      Linkara: Guys, no more History of Power Rangers; you're just going to hear about my weight and dieting from now on. Now, that's entertainment!
      Sada: If you don't lose enough weight within a month, you shave off your hair!
      Sadako: (WHAT?! [...] I don't like it when people look at my face...)
      Linkara: Coming soon: Sadako's VTuber debut.
• Sadako tries emerging from the bathtub again, only to get exasperated by Sada not checking on her:
  Sada: I told you, Mom said I'm not allowed to leave.
  Sadako: (Which is more important to you, my identity as a ghost or your mother?!)
  Sada: My mom, of course.
  Linkara: Oh boy, we're seeing their channel split happening in real time before they go off to do solo content.
  • Sada says she can leave when her mother comes back, but Sadako pulls her out of the closet anyway:
    Sadako: (Let's make a horror video of us coming out of the well (AKA the bathtub)! We'll break the Internet!!)
    Linkara: Unfortunately for Sadako, ProZD managed to do it first, so now she looks like she's clout-chasing.
    • Sada reads on her phone that, since she's a minor, if they go through with this video, it will be classified as extremely illegal material and they will be banned:
      Sadako: (But a young woman like me bathing is fine?!!)
      Linkara: I mean, not on YouTube, but maybe Twitch. And, if you're going to do that, let's not forget your sound alert. [plays a "Splat!" sound effect]
      Sada: Sadako-san, you're a ghost. And you have clothes on.
      Linkara: [as Sada] At least we can sell the bath water you were in for a profit.
• The next chapter, "Rearranging", opens with Sada calling out for her mother but receiving no answer; she relays this to Sadako, who is floating on the ceiling;
  Linkara: Oh good, you're working on your next video: the Spider Walk Challenge. Sadako asks Sada if they can rearrange her room.
  Sadako: (For the video! We need to think about what's on screen...)
  Linkara: [as Sadako] For example, we need to put a lot of pop culture toys and objects behind you to prove that you're a fan of the things you're talking about.
  Linkara: [looks behind him] What? I never said I was above that.
  • Sada considers removing the talismans, since they might be the reason Sadako is so lethargic:
    Sadako: (No, it doesn't bother a hard-core ghost like me!)
    Linkara: ...And she's already collapsed on the floor.
    Linkara: [as Sadako, woozily] It's okay; Kayako says the crawling thing gets way more likes.
    • Sada suggests bringing in a large teddy bear to use as a prop:
      Sada: I just thought if we made things cuter, our image would improve.
      Linkara: Oh, Sada, no; you're going to pivot your channel's content, and the algorithm's going to bury you!
• After Sadako gives Sada a teddy bear she supposedly found in the living room, we learn that she actually went to Kazuma to ask him to buy one:
  Kazuma: Sorry, I don't have that sort of cash.
  Linkara: [as Kazuma] If you want a doll for your show, just do a collab with Chucky already.
  • The girls discuss their plans to bring the teddy bear along to their next shoot:
    Sadako: (For our next video, let's have teddy bear join Double Sadako!)
    Linkara: Good call; having a mascot for your channel can prove both good for marketing and profitable for merchandizing; just ask Pollo.
    Pollo: I am an Internet sensation.
    Linkara: Exactly!
    Pollo: When's my new body coming, by the way?
    Linkara: Working on it; had to put it to the side for the Robomats.
    Pollo: New sensational figure of me coming soon, Internet! Bask in my shiny glory!
• We move on to Chapter 5, "A Girl's Life":
  Captions: Watch that video and be cursed...
  Linkara: Yes, truly, we have found the cursed video. [plays this clip]
  Sadako: (Sadako here! ☆☆)
  Sada: I'm Sadako-chan.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Join our new masterclass for being YouTubers; only $300, and we didn't script it, and we'll just repeat a bunch of basic tips you can find anywhere.
  • For this video, the girls make the bear talk and introduce itself:
    Bear: My name is Kumano Saburo.
    Linkara: Well, that's just weird; if you're going to have a teddy bear in your YouTube videos, you should have it say absolutely nothing and imply it's actually some kind of eldritch entity that just likes to spend its time as a teddy bear because hugs. [looks at his teddy bear] Not that I'm implying anything.
• Sada recalls that when they were in the bath together, Sadako's hair never got clean no matter how much they washed it:
  Sadako: (Well, I was in a well... for thirty years.)
  Linkara: [as Sadako] And once you get clean with well water, you're just never going back.
  Linkara: No, rather, she was never able to dry it, so the hair got damaged. Or, you know, you need a proper professional beautician to work on it; a pity someone murdered the person who could do that! [beat] Isn't it a pity, Sadako?!
  • On Sada's advice, Sadako scrounges up some hair care products and tools:
    Sada: Amazing! How did you get all this?!
    Sadako: (I bought it.)
    Sada: You shop, Sadako-san?!
    Linkara: [as Sadako] Yeah, but mostly at Old Navy; I've actually got jeans on under this dress.
    Linkara: And so she does what she can with her hair, and it's all clean and straight and shiny.
    Sada: Whoa! Your hair's so beautiful, Sadako-san!
    Linkara: [as Sada] That's it! We're pivoting to makeup tutorials!
    • Sadako decides to help Sada clean and brush her hair, too, remarking that she looks like a younger version of her:
      Sadako: (Good thing we put ads on our video. We could even buy this brush...)
      Sada: Oh, you put ads on?
      Linkara: [as Sadako] Look, lady, this is a job, and I don't know how to set up a Patreon...
• In a flashback, we learn that Sadako went to Kazuma to learn how to set up a source of income through her videos:
  Kazuma: You want me to show you how to enable ads?
  Sadako: (Yes. Money talks, right?)
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Politicians will be banging at my door wanting campaign contributions, Kazuma; I'm moving up!
  • Kazuma helps Sadako apply for the partner program, only to see her type with just one finger:
    Sadako: (I made a mistake.)
    Kazuma: Just use the backspace!
    Linkara: Be patient, Kazuma; you don't want to see what she was doing with the mouse earlier.
    Scotty: [holding a mouse to his ear] Hello, computer.
• The sixth chapter is titled, "Sadako's Jealousy":
  Linkara: [as Sadako] That damn slit-mouthed woman started her own channel, and it's twice our subscriber count already!
  • After Kazuma tells Sadako that he asked his sister to find a CRT TV, he freaks out after she suggests cursing her, too:
    Kazuma: I'd never hear the end of it. She'd ream me out... Just thinking about it scares me.
    Sadako: (He's more afraid of her than my curse!)
    Linkara: Turns out his sister is Teke Teke... who's also started a more popular YouTube channel!
• After Sada tells her how lonely she is in the closet, Sadako comes up with an idea:
  Sadako: (I know, how about we do a collab?)
  Sada: A collab? You mean do a video with another video creator? Is there anyone who'd agree to that?
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Let's just say there's going to be a very special guest on Critical Role soon...
  Sadako: (I told them I'd curse them if they didn't help.)
  Sada: That's not nice! Please tell me you didn't glare at them like that!
  Linkara: I dunno; worked for me. How do you think I got to be in that one episode of Dragon Ball Z Abridged?
  Sadako: (They say if you want to grow your fanbase, the best thing to do is collaborate with other creators.)
  Linkara: Also, make movies with them. [beat] And an audio drama! [holds up a CD of A Voice from the Dark]
• As the girls begin their collab with Kazuma, the video glitches until they appear on either side of him:
  Sada: Whoa, this is cool. It's like we're together, even though we aren't.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, Kazuma can't figure out the layers correctly, so the whole stream is just scuff.
  Sada: Nice to meet you, big brother.
  Kazuma: [thinking] Big... Brother? Me?
  Linkara: Oh man, we're getting so many lore drops in this episode!
  • Kazuma asks Sada if she's always alone, who replies that things have been easier since meeting Sadako:
    Sada: And Sadako-san is dead set on cursing big brother Kazuma!
    Kazuma: WHAT?! Why me?!
    Linkara: Eh, some kids bully the ones they have a crush on; others give them a curse that will kill them horribly in a week.
• At last, we reach the final chapter, "A Video Creator's Logic":
  Linkara: [exasperatedly] Okay, if I sacrifice sleep for the next few days, add midrolls every two minutes, and do nothing but talk about Batman comics, I should be able to make enough revenue to pay for a can of pineapple tidbits for lunch in two months!
• Sadako tells Sada about her ordeal in the well, and how she hated the teens who threw a party instead of rescuing her:
  Sada: So that's why you started cursing people?
  Kazuma: She just hates normies?!
  Linkara: Sadako is infamous for her weird Twitter rants about it.
  • Sadako confesses that she's not actually here to make videos, but to curse people:
    Sadako: (But even video creators can suffer from misfortune.)
    Linkara: [as Sadako] For instance, there was my "heated gamer moment" the other day...
    Sada: Like the ones who overwork themselves? Or when people die during stunts?
    Sadako: (Yeah, you have to control your work-life balance.)
    Linkara: I mean, people dying while making a YouTube video is less a "work-life balance" and more a "priorities and safety" issue.
    • Sadako announces her intention to quit making videos, shocking Sada, who thought she wanted to make videos to curse the entire world:
      Sadako: (My real reason for being here... is you two.)
      Linkara: [as Sadako] I'm serving you both subpoenas.
      Linkara: Kazuma figures this means she'll curse just the two of them and asks why.
      Sadako: (You refuse to buy a CRT TV no matter how much I beg.)
      Linkara: Yeah, but by that logic, you can't curse him, because you say you won't without one; stalemate.
• Kazuma says his sister managed to find a CRT TV at an antique store, but since its plug is missing, it won't turn on:
  Sada: That reminds me of a scary story I read online. It was about a TV that could turn on without being plugged in. Or one with a phone that would ring even when disconnected. Sadako-san, can you do anything like that?
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Yes, but unfortunately, my powers are limited to only turning on rice cookers that aren't plugged in.
  Sadako: (When it comes to technology... I don't really get it.)
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Who knew that when they told me to clean the inside of a computer, they didn't mean "wash all the components with soap and water"?
  • Sadako explains that since spending all those years in the well alone, she became a loner and wanted to find other loners like her:
    Sadako: (Video creators just sit alone in front of a camera and talk. If that isn't a loner, I don't know what is.)
    Linkara: Oh, Sadako, that's ridiculous; that's like saying all the people around me are just me in different costumes. [beat] And a puppet.
    Astro Megaship Toy: Well, I think that—
    Linkara: Nobody cares what you think, Astro Megaship!
    • Sada rebuffs Sadako's claims by saying that they have each other:
      Sada: That's why... you're not a loner either, Sadako-san!
      Linkara: [as Sada] Incredibly introverted, sure, but...
      Sadako: (Am I a normie?!)
      Linkara: The deepest fear of every YouTuber. She also reminds her that Kazuma's there, too, so she's definitely not alone.
      Sada: Since we started uploading videos... so many people have seen them. Let's do our best to make your curse reach as many people as possible! Okay?
      Sadako: (You're right!)
      Linkara: Nobody's ever truly alone as long as you're trying to murder them!
• Some time later, Sadako visits Sada again, bringing along a Blu-ray copy of Ringu:
  Sada: Sadako-san, your curse... It kills people after seven days, right?
  Sadako: (Huh? That's right.)
  Sada: But... It's been six months.
  Linkara: She means seven days of watch time; it takes a bit longer to add that up for a tiny two-minute video.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: So, Sadako, you brought that Blu-ray copy of Ringu with you, but did you actually bring a Blu-ray player to watch it with? "Careless Sadako", indeed.

747: PATREON Viewers' Choice: Doctor Who: Remembrance of the Daleks

• The serial opens with the Doctor and his companion Ace in 1963 London, walking near the Coal Hill Road Secondary School; as Ace blasts out music on her boombox, she notices a little girl staring at the two of them and wonders why:
  The Doctor: Your clothing's a little anachronistic for this time period.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Good thing that question mark patterns are timeless.
  • The Doctor investigates a nearby black van with an antenna on top while Ace complains about getting some food, until the Doctor asks Ace about her backpack:
    The Doctor: You're not carrying any Nitro Nine explosives in there?
    Ace: No.
    Linkara: [as Ace] Those, I keep in my jacket pockets.
    • While Ace grabs something to eat at a nearby café, the Doctor goes into the schoolyard to find the little girl from before playing hopscotch next to four large burn marks:
      Girl: [singing] —seven, eight. It's a doctor at the gate.
      Linkara: Okay, kid, you're doing the Freddy Krueger nursery rhyme all wrong.
• The Doctor and Ace, along with their new acquaintances Professor Rachel Jenson and Sergeant Mike Smith, come upon a military investigation in the junkyard at 76 Totter's Lane, where the TARDIS had landed in the very first serial, "An Unearthly Child"; after talking to the officer in charge of the investigation, Group Captain Gilmore, the Doctor examines a dead soldier with no visible external injuries:
  The Doctor: His insides were scrambled. Very nasty.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Have you ever tried to pee out of your pituitary gland before?
  • After a Dalek reveals itself by killing the responding military forces, the Doctor decides to take action:
    The Doctor: Ace, give me some of that Nitro Nine that you're not carrying. [gets handed an explosive] And another.
    Linkara: Unfortunately, the Doctor didn't actually know what they were and thought they were energy drinks.
• Inside Coal Hill School, the Doctor and Ace discuss why the Daleks are here in 1963 London, with Ace noting that the Doctor expected the Daleks to attack and that the four burn marks in the schoolyard are from some kind of landing craft, even though she never heard of any alien invasions taking place during this time period:
  The Doctor: Do you remember the Zygon gambit with the Loch Ness Monster? Or the Yetis in the Underground?
  Linkara: Nah, she hasn't had a chance to listen to the latest indie bands, Doctor.
• Elsewhere, a man named Ratcliffe, an associate of Mike's, meets with a mysterious figure operating a battle computer, asking them what a Dalek is:
  Figure: A machine. A tool. Nothing more.
  Linkara: What, don't you have a "death ray" setting on your socket wrench?
• The Doctor and Ace go inside the school's cellar to find a Dalek transmat; as a Dalek is getting beamed down from orbit, the Doctor interrupts the process by sabotaging the machine:
  The Doctor: I persuaded one half of the Dalek to materialise where its other half was materialising. The two halves tried to co-exist at the same point.
  Transporter Chief: Enterprise... What we got back didn't live long... fortunately.
• After escaping from an advancing Dalek that is actually capable of hovering up a flight of stairs, the Doctor and Ace come upon an RAF jeep outside the school sent by Gilmore, and ask to requisition an anti-tank rocket launcher:
  Airman: You'll have to sign for them, sir.
  Linkara: So, this guy saw this weirdo wearing a vest with question marks all over it and said to himself, "...Yeah, this is probably the guy who can sign for the explosive weaponry."
  • Ace blows up the Dalek, and as Gilmore and his soldiers try to contain the situation, the Doctor leaves to take care of some things by himself, taking Ace's baseball bat with him:
    Linkara: The Doctor remembered that a softball team was playing before he had to leave in the first episode.
• The Doctor heads to a mortuary to retrieve the Hand of Omega, currently inside of a coffin, and places the bat inside of it for a bit before taking it back and having the coffin go with him:
  The Doctor: Follow me. [shows the coffin levitating]
  Linkara: The Hand of Omega is actually the Time Lords' Amazon drone delivery system.
  • The Doctor brings the Hand of Omega to a cemetery, where he inters the device with the aid of a blind minister:
    Linkara: Oh, and hey, a floating casket; so Mai Takano in the Ring franchise was actually afraid of the Hand of Omega this whole time.
• Mike follows the Doctor on Ratcliffe's orders and is attacked by Coal Hill School's mind-controlled headmaster, who demands to know the whereabouts of the "Renegade Daleks", who have apparently "defied the will of the Emperor Dalek"; Mike quickly turns the tables, and the headmaster is killed by the Daleks controlling him before he can reveal any information:
  Linkara: How do the Daleks decide who gets to be their leader when they're all programmed to act the same way? Do, like, they have elections where some have slogans like, "I HATE OTHER BEINGS MORE THAN MY OPPONENT!", or just, like, whichever Dalek mutant grows too big for its normal casing gets the job?
• Back with Ratcliffe, the figure tells him that the "Imperial Daleks" will make their move soon and he needs to be ready for war; Ratcliffe agrees and remarks how he feels Britain fought on the wrong side in the last war... meaning the Allies in World War II:
  Linkara: ...Yeah, he may not be wearing a red armband, but let's just say that Mr. Ratcliffe is a big tiki torch enthusiast.
• In the military headquarters, Gilmore tells the Doctor that an evacuation has been approved and a cover story made, and hands control of the operation over to the Doctor, who he hopes can justify putting his career on the line like this:
  The Doctor: With respect, Group Captain, your career's magnificently irrelevant.
  Gilmore: Wh...?
  Linkara: He looks so sad about that; did he really think the Doctor would be interested in his career?
  The Doctor: I want a direct line to Jodrell Bank.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] One of my previous incarnations is going to die there in 20 years, and I want to set up a big cushion for me to land on.
• At the boarding house owned by Mike's mother, Ace takes down a sign reading "No Coloureds" and leaves for Coal Hill School to retrieve her boombox; meanwhile, on the TV:
  Announcer: —with an adventure in the new science fiction series, Doc— [cuts to a teleprinter]
  Linkara: Ah yes, Doctor Telegram. [beat] 90% of its episodes were junked.
  • After turning on the boombox and picking up a series of Dalek transmissions, Ace is spotted by an Imperial Dalek and flees as it destroys the boombox:
    Linkara: The Daleks aren't big Queen fans, sadly. It announces to its fellows that a "small human female" was seen on that level.
    Ace: Who are you calling "small"?! [whacks the Dalek with her Hand of Omega-infused bat]
    Imperial Dalek: UNDER ATTACK. UNDER ATTACK. [gets its eyepiece knocked off]
    Linkara: Now, I'm not going to say that Ace would've single-handedly ended the Time War if she had been there... but I'm saying it's possible.
• As Ace is surrounded by a group of Imperial Daleks, the Doctor arrives with some soldiers and uses his sonic scrambler to disorient the Daleks, allowing Ace to get away and Mike to blow them up with explosives; as Rachel investigates the remains of one of the Daleks, she sees the mutant inside it is still alive as it attempts to strangle the Doctor:
  Linkara: Guess that Dalek had some strong opinions about Radagast in the Hobbit films.
  • The Doctor tends to Ace, saying that it was good that the boombox was destroyed since if someone from the time period found it and examined its inner workings, technology would progress at a radically different pace and considerably alter the timeline:
    The Doctor: But even they, ruthless though they are, would think twice before making such a radical alteration to the timeline.
    Linkara: Can't help but feel a little worthless that the Daleks wouldn't bat an eye to kill everyone in the area despite that being a major change in the timeline, but oh, my God! A boombox in 1963?! Maximum extermination before the timeline changes!
• The Doctor goes back to the school's cellar to destroy the transmat with the bat before the Imperial Daleks can send reinforcements:
  Linkara: Aw, I never got a chance to joke that that's not a Transmat; this is a Transmat! [holds up a Robomat with the colors of the transgender flag]
  The Doctor: [after the bat snaps in half] Weapons. Always useless in the end.
  Linkara: Well, one, it's intended as a sports tool, not a weapon. Two, it's not useless; you can still hit somebody with the stick and keep smashing the insides with that bit. Three, you got plenty of use out of it, dude, so... weapons are still good before the end. You know, I think the real reason Ace left the Doctor was because he kept breaking her stuff.
• In the café, the Doctor tells Gilmore they should set up a forward base at the school; as Gilmore orders Mike to prepare the base, Gilmore asks Rachel and her assistant Allison to follow him:
  Allison: I wish Bernard was here.
  Rachel: The British Rocket Group's got its own problems.
  Linkara: So while the Daleks are invading, is there a plant guy running around or something?
  • The Doctor tells Ace that protecting the school isn't actually that important, and he somehow knows the Renegade Daleks have retrieved the Hand of Omega from the cemetery:
    Linkara: I mean, Doctor Who apparently exists in-universe, so he probably just watched a rerun where he saw Ratcliffe taking it.
    • On their way back to the schoolyard, Ace asks why the Doctor asked Gilmore to secure the school if it doesn't matter:
      The Doctor: Keeping an eye on Group Captain Chunky Gilmore. Although why his men call him Chunky, I've no idea.
      Linkara: Eh, because the rest of them all prefer creamy peanut butter.
• As Ratcliffe's men unload the Hand of Omega, they are betrayed and killed by the Renegade Daleks; when asked why they did this, the figure reveals themselves... and it's the last person anyone would suspect:
  Figure: You are a slave, Ratcliffe. [removes helmet]
  Girl: You were born to serve the Daleks.
  Linkara: Sure, you might've been able to guess that the Renegades weren't Davros' Daleks based on their casing colors, but Doctor Who has been making continuity and production mistakes like that for years; why wouldn't that just be another example of it? Although, it does make the fact that the battle computer calls a Dalek nothing more than a machine or a tool kind of odd when it isn't Davros saying that; you'd think their arrogant superiority would make them incapable of downplaying themselves, like, "YES, A MACHINE... OR TOOL... THE BEST MACHINE OR TOOLS! THEY SLICE! THEY DICE! THEY CUBE! EXTERMINATE ALL OTHER KITCHEN UTINSELS!"
  • The Renegade Supreme Dalek, colored black, enters and orders the girl to activate their "Time Controller", represented by a cheap plasma globe:
    Girl: Time Controller activated. Calculating coordinates.
    Linkara: Man, you know the Renegades are hard up on resources when they need to raid Spencer's Gifts for their tech.
• The Doctor and Ace manage to find the Hand of Omega in Ratcliffe's yard; the Doctor speaks to it, revealing its sentience, and it replies that it knows what it needs to do:
  Linkara: All these living devices in Time Lord society really need to unionize.
• After Ace discovers Mike's allegiance with the Renegade Daleks, the Renegades attack the school, but retreat after detecting the Imperial Daleks' shuttle approaching Earth:
  Ace: They're retreating, all of them. WIMPS!
  Linkara: Ace, I appreciate your moxie, but you're kind of running out of stuff to use against them. [beat] I don't know, maybe blind one with your jacket?
• As the Imperial Daleks move out to attack the Renegades, Gilmore sends everyone downstairs while the Doctor comes up with a plan:
  Gilmore: What do we do?
  The Doctor: A little bit of piracy.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] We are going to torrent that shuttle!
  • While Gilmore arrests Mike for treason, the Imperial Daleks enter a shootout with some Renegade Daleks, their shots firing everywhere and damaging nearby buildings:
    Linkara: You know, for all the jokes people make about Daleks and stairs, they forget that, for the "superior race of the universe", their aim sucks. I can probably handwave this encounter, because I have to imagine the Daleks would put out some kind of jamming signal that would interfere with targeting, and they have to make several shots to learn to compensate; but still, it's a really frequent problem with the Daleks that, unless they're, like, right in front of you, stormtroopers have a better hit-to-miss ratio.
• The Doctor tosses a rope to the shuttle's antenna:
  Linkara: Uh, Doctor, I don't think you're going to be able to hog-tie the shuttle.
  • He then uses the rope as a zipline to slide onto the shuttle's roof and kick in the vehicle's triangular service hatch:
    Linkara: You know, maybe the Daleks shouldn't make their ships out of Doritos.
• Mike escapes custody and returns to Ratcliffe, but with the Time Controller repaired after the Doctor's sabotage, the Black Dalek orders Ratcliffe and Mike's extermination, only to be interrupted by the arrival of the Imperial Daleks; as Ratcliffe and Mike run up some stairs with the Time Controller, the girl uses her electricity powers to kill Ratcliffe:
  Linkara: [as the girl] Old fool. Only now, at the end, do you understand.
• The Doctor sends Amy off to chase after Mike and retrieve the Time Controller, returning to the school's cellar and telling Gilmore and the others that they're not out of the woods yet, but he has a plan:
  Allison: I don't suppose you could let us know what your plan is?
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] No; it ruins the tension with the audience if I say it out loud.
  • As the Imperial Daleks return to their mothership with the Hand of Omega, the Doctor contacts them via the rewired transmat:
    The Doctor: This is the Doctor. President-Elect of the High Council of Time Lords.
    Linkara: A less impressive title when you remember that he was deposed when he ran away instead of taking the job.
    The Doctor: Keeper of the legacy of Rassilon.
    Linkara: Which legacy is that? The part where he turns people seeking immortality to stone, or the records that reveal that vampires are the ancient enemies of the Time Lords?
    The Doctor: Defender of the Laws of Time.
    Linkara: [as the Doctor] Depending on how I feel that day.
    The Doctor: Protector of Gallifrey.
    Linkara: You let the Vardans take over Gallifrey that one time!
• The Emperor reveals himself as Davros, who gloats about how he'll use the Hand of Omega to empower the Daleks and overthrow the Time Lords by firing it at the Dalek homeworld Skaro's sun, only for the Doctor to mock him and his plan:
  The Doctor: "CRUSH THE LESSER RACES. CONQUER THE GALAXY. UNIMAGINABLE POWER. UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING."
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] "FREE NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION! CAN DEMAND THE WINDOW SEAT! NEVER GET CONTENT ID-CLAIMED AGAIN!"
  • Davros launches the Hand of Omega at the sun, but thanks to the Doctor's tampering, the Hand causes the sun to go supernova, obliterating Skaro:
    Davros: You have tricked me!
    The Doctor: No, Davros. You tricked yourself.
    Linkara: Eh, there's blame to go around; the important thing is that nobody got hurt. [beat] Except for the space fascists, because screw them.
    • Davros realizes that the Hand of Omega will return to the mothership and destroy it as well, pleading with the Doctor to spare his life:
      Davros: Have pity on me!
      The Doctor: I have pity for you.
      Linkara: [as the Doctor] I'll send you a "get well" card in Hell, Davros!
• The Doctor and Gilmore's soldiers find the Black Dalek, where the Doctor breaks it down psychologically by explaining what just happened:
  Linkara: He lays it all out for the thing: its forces are gone, it's alone on an alien planet in the wrong time period, its creator is dead, its home planet destroyed, no hope of escape or rescue, and also, it just got evicted from its apartment and its parents called to say they never loved it, and its girlfriend has been cheating on it with that hunky mailroom Dalek who used to bully it for months now. In other words, the Black Dalek has had a really bad day, not helped by the fact that it's stuck on a rock or something and is wobbling from side to side.
  • The Black Dalek self-destructs, freeing the girl from its control, and the Doctor pokes at the Dalek's remains:
    The Doctor: Ashes to ashes... dust to dust.
    Linkara: [as the Doctor] If you don't blow yourself up, you're just going to rust.

748: Doctor Who: The Klepton Parasites

• Rather uniquely for a comic, the cover of TV Comic, the magazine that published this story, features an entire comic strip starring Popeye:
  Blurb: Starts today! Doctor Who
  Linkara: [as the blurb] Doctor Who's greatest enemy: Popeye the Sailor Man.
• The story itself opens in a futuristic city, where apparently the hottest fashion trend at the moment is "pink suit with black stripes":
  Captions: In the far distant future, the Thains have lived happily and peacefully for many years.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But then it became an election year, and everything was off the table.
  Captions: But one day, strange, menacing creatures hover over the city...
  Linkara: [staring at very cheap-looking CGI birds] Damn global warming!
  Linkara: The menacing creatures soon introduce themselves.
  Klepton: We are the Kleptons! We will take over your cities and your land! You Thains will be our slaves!
  Linkara: [as the Klepton] But first, we have some birthdays to announce...
  • The Kleptons begin their invasion by using their flying saucers to pick up random pedestrians:
    Female Thain: Help! Help! They're picking us up like toys!
    Linkara: [as the Thain] And the artist is drawing us like them, too! Suddenly, this is an episode of Thunderbirds!
    Male Thain: The Kleptons are capturing our people — and there's nothing we can do to stop them!
    Linkara: Yeah, I don't think the economic sanctions are working, guys.
    Klepton: Fine work, Kleptons! We have taken our hostages! The first stage of our plan to enslave the Thains is successful!
    Crow T. Robot: "Well, consider yourself conquered; I gotta go."
    • As part of their plan's second phase, the Kleptons unleash thick, viney "creepers" to tear the city apart; in a nearby amphitheater, a speaker warns the crowd of the ongoing crisis:
      Speaker: My friends, we are doomed!
      Linkara: Yeah, but at least the stock market's doing great!
      Speaker: We have lived in peace for so long that we have no weapons to defend ourselves with!
      Linkara: [as the speaker] Why did we get rid of all our weed-killer?!
      Speaker: Unless help comes, the Kleptons will crush us!
      Linkara: [as the speaker] If only a time-traveling old guy and two small children could come to our aid!
• In England, two children named John and Gillian look for their grandfather, only to find a mysterious police box in a yard:
  Gillian: A police box! Grandfather can't live in there!
  Linkara: Yeah, he's kind of hit on hard times after the sex scandal...
  John: I've been told he's an inventor or something!
  Linkara: ...So you think he invented the police box?
  • They go inside the TARDIS and find the Doctor:
    John: Excuse me, we're looking for our grandfather — Dr. Who!
    Linkara: [as John] We heard he built a robot King Kong!
    • John asks what the console in front of him is, and the Doctor answers that it's a time machine:
      Gillian: Golly — isn't it fun, John?
      Linkara: Golly — isn't that a weird thing to say about the time machine your grandfather apparently has?
      John: Grandfather — what would happen if...?
      The Doctor: No! Don't touch that button whatever you do!
      [shows the TARDIS getting blown up]
      Linkara: You know, Doctor, maybe next time, put a label on the "don't touch this ever" button.
• After John presses the button against the Doctor's wishes, the trio are flung into the 30th century:
  John: Come on, Gillian! Let's take a look outside at the future!
  Linkara: They are immediately confronted with a pop-up ad. No, rather, there's a Klepton outside.
  Gillian: John — what are they? Help!
  John: Grandfather! Quick! We're in terrible danger!
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Not my problem, kid; that's what you get for playing with the controls! So long, suckers!
  • The Kleptons begin to abduct Gillian:
    Gillian: It's got me! It's got me!
    The Doctor: Those machines must have some strange magnetic power!
    Crow T. Robot: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
    • John hurls a rock at the ship, puncturing the glass dome and causing it to go out of control, crash into the ground, and explode:
      Linkara: This child now has a body count!
• After the Kleptons retreat, the leader of the Thains, Valda, comes out to greet the trio, explaining that the Kleptons have already kidnapped a lot of his people and destroyed a large chunk of his city, and they don't have any weapons they can use against them:
  The Doctor: Look — there's a museum! Surely you've got some weapons in there!
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Ancient tablets from your distant past, carefully preserved? Excellent! Now we've got ammunition!
  • They eventually find some heat guns used in the previous century:
    The Doctor: Splendid! Splendid! Let's get them outside and see if they still work!
    Linkara: [as the Doctor] Line up some of your people so we can kill them!
• As the Doctor examines a crashed Klepton ship, a creeper rises up from underground and grabs John:
  Gillian: Grandfather — quick — the creeper's choking John!
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Oh, blast it all, child! I can't leave you alone for five minutes, can I?! Where the hell's my death ray?!
  • The Doctor gets the ship up and running, and he, John and Gillian use it to follow a messenger ship back to the Kleptons' home base:
    Gillian: Grandfather — the creepers are pulling a building down and we're right in its path!
    The Doctor: The controls seem sluggish — I can't get any height!
    Linkara: [as the Doctor] Okay, which of you two enabled inverted controls while we were fixing it?
• Valda tries to comfort his people:
  Valda: My people — everything rests on the time travellers' winning through!
  Linkara: [as Valda] Also, I guess we know they're time travelers, because shut up.
• The trio lose track of the messenger ship and come across a large ocean:
  Gillian: There's a great ocean below us! We must be off course, Grandfather!
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Goddammit, where the hell did we park?!
• After the trio are brought into custody by the Kleptons, John uses a heat gun he managed to smuggle in to melt open their cell, but their escape route is blocked by some Klepton guards:
  John: Grab the gun, Grandfather! Open fire! I'll get the other guard!
  Linkara: [as John] I want to strangle them with my bare hands, Grandfather! Burn them alive if I fail!
• After staging a prison break with some liberated Thains, the trio make their way to a large chamber containing some creepers, but are discovered by some guards, taking cover as the Kleptons fire at the container and let the creepers loose; eventually, a creeper manages to grab one of the Thains:
  The Doctor: There's only one thing to do — but it's a chance in a million!
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Kleptons, I am your father! [beat] Roll for deception.
  • The Doctor adjusts the container's dial to force the creepers to attack the Kleptons and destroy the base's reactor; in the ensuing chaos, the trio lead the Thains to a hangar full of Klepton saucers, using them to flee the base as it explodes:
    The Doctor: That's the end of the Kleptons and their evil plans!
    Valeyard: The Doctor has destroyed a complete species! The charge... must now be genocide!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Klepton: The city will be destroyed! The creepers must be stopped! Call out all the guards — I want the prisoners caught — dead or alive!
  Linkara: [as the Klepton] Why did we even have a setting on there for "creepers destroy our own reactor"?!

749: Doctor Who: The Chimes of Midnight

• The audio play begins with the TARDIS landing in a dark, unknown space, with the Doctor feeling nostalgic about the times he used to travel without any idea where he was going:
  Linkara: The good old days, where he'd just land somewhere and murder people with John and Gillian! Good times...
  • His companion, Charley Pollard, checks in with him:
    Charley: You really haven't got a clue?
    The Doctor: The console isn't telling me anything at all; just a blank readout.
    Linkara: Well, then, you shouldn't have had your console displays use Flash Player.
• After the duo emerge from the larder they landed in, they hear a scullery maid named Edith Thompson singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" to herself while the butler, Mr Shaughnessy, corrects her mistakes:
  Edith: [singing] God and singers reconciled...
  Shaughnessy: It's "sinners", Edith...
  Linkara: Yeah, God didn't reconcile with singers until "Weird Al" came along; Big Guy loves a good parody.
  • Shaughnessy complains about the thick layer of dust on a table by remarking how you could write your name in it, only for her to say that she doesn't know how to write her name; after giving her a demonstration, Shaughnessy orders Edith back to work:
    Shaughnessy: What is it I always tell you, Edith?
    Edith: I'm nothing, sir. I'm nobody.
    Linkara: Well, at least she's got a good future career in fighting the Cyclops.
• Charley remarks how the scullery they're in is more primitive than the one her family had back in 1930:
  Charley: But then, I didn't spend much time there. It was just the scullery, after all.
  Linkara: So you never engaged in any scullery skulduggery? [grins]
  • The Doctor switches out their flashlights with some candles, reasoning that any technology they carry shouldn't be too anachronistic lest it alter the timeline:
    Linkara: Especially if there aren't any Daleks around to blast them.
    • Charley discovers that only half the dishes have been washed and the water in the sink is still hot even though the room itself is dark; after Charley finds Edith's name in the dust and writes her own, she discovers that the dust covered her signature back up, while the Doctor finds that the jar of raspberry jam they knocked over reassembled itself:
      Linkara: Spooky; someone should take inspiration from that for their own audio drama. [grins while holding up a CD of A Voice from the Dark]
• Shaughnessy visits the kitchen maid, Mrs Baddeley, who is busy preparing Christmas dinner for the house's owners:
  Mrs Baddeley: And I've made them one of my famous plum puddings, too. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without one of my plum puddings.
  Linkara: [as Mrs Baddeley] What a perfect tree-topper it is!
  Mrs Baddeley: They've been passed down the Baddeleys for generations. It's a secret recipe.
  Linkara: The secret ingredient is cocaine, isn't it?
  • Mrs Baddeley calls in Edith to help cook, who objects due to her workload, and then gets berated by Shaughnessy and Mrs Baddeley into compliance; she notices how, despite there being more servants downstairs than people upstairs, they get a smaller plum pudding, only to get told off by Shaughnessy and Mrs Baddeley for having "wicked" thoughts:
    Mrs Baddeley: We're nothing. We're nobody. Remember that.
    Edith: Oh, I will.
    Linkara: This self-help seminar isn't going very well.
    • After Mrs Baddeley tells Edith she won't amount to a cook like her, the chauffeur, Frederick, enters the kitchen:
      Frederick: Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without one of your plum puddings, would it, Mrs Baddeley?
      Linkara: Gordon Ramsay's suddenly going to show up and reveal that the puddings are actually store-bought... and the only thing that actually tastes good in this place.
• After entering the kitchen, the Doctor and Charley find some abandoned plum puddings, which Charley remarks she never liked much since her cook always put "threepenny bits" inside; Linkara explains that this means she put some coins in said pudding, and furthermore, what Americans tend to think of as "pudding" is referred to in Britain as "custard":
  Linkara: Fun fact I discovered while researching that: "thrupenny bits" is also Cockney slang for "boobs". Merry Christmas!
• We learn that Frederick is having an affair with the lady's maid, Mary, and Mrs Baddeley plans to reveal this to their boss; Frederick tries to convince Mrs Baddeley to keep quiet, first with bribes and then with threats, but she remains unmoved:
  Frederick: You should be careful, Mrs Baddeley. You've left me with nothing to lose.
  Linkara: Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without murder threats!
• After entering a rest area for servants and seeing a fireplace frozen in time, the Doctor runs an experiment to see how much he can manipulate the environment of the house by setting off a Christmas cracker; the cracker restores itself almost immediately, but the items originally inside it, a paper hat and a joke, are left intact:
  Linkara: Not even a toy?! Call Stuart Ashens; apparently, this place uses Poundland crackers!
  Charley: Does that do us any good?
  The Doctor: Well, firstly, I can wear it. [puts on the hat] There. Very festive.
  Linkara: Now I just want the paper hat to be his thing, like Matt Smith's bow tie or Tom Baker's scarf.
  • They examine the joke, which reads, "When is a door not a door?"; however, rather than the expected punchline of "When it's a jar.", Charley reads something else:
    Charley: "When it's a raspberry jam jar."
    Linkara: ...Well, that doesn't fit at all! Did A.I. write the joke?!
    The Doctor: It's mocking us. Whatever this force is, it's mocking us.
    Linkara: [as the Doctor] It's going to sue us over the broken jam jar!
• Frederick informs Mary about Mrs Baddeley's plan to reveal their affair, but Mary doesn't care; Frederick responds by saying their current situation is they best they're going to get:
  Frederick: We're nothing, Mary. Do you hear me? We're nobody.
  Linkara: I don't know, man; just because politicians think of you that way...
• Charley is transported to Edith in the scullery; after Edith points out Charley's signature appearing in the dust alongside her name, a wind blows through and her demeanor changes:
  Edith: There'll be a death here soon.
  Charley: Edith! What are you saying? Whose death?
  Edith: Mine, Charley.
  Linkara: [as Edith] I read it in the script, Charley; I'm basically a cameo.
  • Charley returns to the Doctor and reports her interactions with Edith; as the grandfather clock begins to tick, the Doctor decides their best course of action... is to leave:
    The Doctor: There are some mysteries best left unsolved.
    Linkara: Somewhere, Robert Stack grits his teeth, and he doesn't know why.
• The duo discover Edith's corpse, drowned in the sink; the other servants come in shortly afterwards, and they don't seem too put off that one of their own just died:
  Shaughnessy: To lose a scullery maid on Christmas Eve...
  Mary: But Edith never was very good at timing...
  Linkara: People wonder why remote work is preferred when these are your managers and co-workers.
  • The Doctor tries to explain to the servants that he and Charley didn't murder Edith, but any fears of a misunderstanding are put to rest after they acknowledge him as the chief inspector of Scotland Yard and Charley as his niece; Shaughnessy says he hopes this case can be solved soon, since Mrs Baddeley has her plum puddings ready to serve:
    Mary: Well, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without one of your plum puddings.
    Linkara: Screw you, Jesus! This holiday is about plum pudding!
    • Shaughnessy suggests that Edith killed herself, but the Doctor concludes that the circumstances would make it impossible, which Mrs Baddeley just writes off as Edith being so stupid that she wouldn't have known it was impossible:
      Linkara: Ah, like when Wile E. Coyote can keep running off the edge of a cliff as long as he doesn't look down.
• The Doctor sends Charley to talk to Mrs Baddeley and Mary while he interviews Frederick and Shaughnessy:
  The Doctor: Take care of yourself, Charley. There's more to this than meets the eye.
  Linkara: Of course! The Decepticons killed Edith!
  • Charley asks Mrs Baddeley about her whereabouts during the murder, but Mrs Baddeley dismisses her inquiries, treating her like a little girl and offering her some plum pudding:
    Linkara: WHAT?! How dare you, Mrs. Baddeley! As Phoenix Wright once said, Christmas Eve means it wasn't Christmas, and Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without your plum pudding, so if you can have plum pudding on not-Christmas, then what even is Christmas?!
    • The Doctor asks Shaughnessy about the staff, who replies that he, Edith, Mrs Baddeley, Frederick, and Mary are the only staff in the house, and won't divulge any details about "His Lordship" and "Her Ladyship" upstairs; when asked if any time experiments or futuristic technology had a role in Edith's death, Shaughnessy simply replies that it's not his place to comment, and the staff is nothing and nobody:
      Shaughnessy: Only in service do we derive any meaning or purpose.
      Linkara: If ever there was a place that needed a union...
• The Doctor moves on to Frederick, who proclaims how excited he is to be involved in a murder investigation with the Doctor, listing off several of his past "cases", only for the Doctor to reply that those are actually Agatha Christie novels; Frederick then refers to the Doctor as an amateur sleuth, like what Charley wished for earlier:
  Linkara: Man, and I thought doing this job for 15 years went by fast; the Doctor's career is zipping around in 15 minutes!
  • When Frederick says that he's only paid to drive the Chrysler, the Doctor asks what year it is:
    Frederick: Yes, sir. It's 1906.
    The Doctor: But Agatha Christie wasn't published until 1920. So how do you know who she was?
    Linkara: God, and Agatha Christie's career is going by so fast, she's doing it before she was ever published!
    • After the Doctor points out that the Chrysler wasn't invented until 1924, Frederick changes his story again, saying he drives a Bentley; he chalks this discrepancy up to being confused and says he doesn't know what year it is, since he's only paid to drive the car:
      The Doctor: The Chrysler, is that?
      Frederick: Yes, the Chrysler— No, I mean, the Bentley. The Chrysler hasn't been invented yet.
      Daryl: Nice execution.
      Wayne: You're doing terrific.
• As Charley struggles to glean any answers from the maids, the ghostly voice of Edith summons her back to the darker version of the house, imploring her to solve the mystery:
  Edith: Please find out who killed me soon. I'm so tired of dying.
  Linkara: Yeah, after the fifth funeral, it just starts to feel kind of hollow, you know?
  • Edith passes on two key pieces of information: another murder will happen soon that will cause everyone to forget Edith, and "Edward Grove is alive":
    Linkara: You think he's tired of dying, too?
• Charley returns to the house and discovers Mrs Baddeley has been murdered, her eyes covered with threepenny coins and her mouth stuffed with her own plum pudding:
  Linkara: <GASP!> OH, MY GOD, PEOPLE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THE PLUM PUDDING IS DOWN! THE PLUM PUDDING IS DOWN!! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!
• During his discussion with Charley, the Doctor discovers that they're following the rules of a standard murder mystery, namely that the killings are taking place on the hour, Edward Grove is not the culprit since they haven't met him yet, and the murders are representations of the victims' jobs; furthermore, the scream they heard couldn't have come from Edith or Mrs Baddeley:
  The Doctor: There's something I'm missing. There's something that's staring me in the face, and I can't see it.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] [snaps] I've got it! Elves!
  • Charley remarks that even though the murders are supposed to happen on the hour, the time between murders feels shorter than expected, meaning the culprit is doing something to accelerate the process:
    Charley: Where are we going?
    The Doctor: To find a clock, of course. To find out what time it really is.
    Linkara: WHAT TIME IS IT?!
• In the meantime, Frederick and Mary meet back up, their conversation revealing that they're already starting to forget Edith having existed:
  Linkara: Oh, sure, you'll forget the last scullery maid and say the scullery maid is "nothing" and not worthy of love, but we'll see what happens when you have to scrape off the food with an old, disintegrating S.O.S pad, Fred-dick!
• Time resets back to 10:00 PM, only this time, Edith is found to have been suffocated with a sink plunger:
  Linkara: Oh, my God! The Daleks are the killer!
  • When the first meeting between the Doctor, Charley, and the servants plays out again, the Doctor is not mentioned as being the chief inspector of Scotland Yard, and the dust on the table now has a third name, Edward Grove, like a signature on a painting:
    Linkara: Happy little trees, happy little murders... Point is the same: beat the Devil out of it.
• The Doctor goes to Frederick and Mary, ordering Frederick to drive him in the Bentley, but they reply that they were given instructions to kill the Doctor should he attempt to leave the house, and they suspect they were the ones who murdered Edith:
  Linkara: Well, an anticlimactic end to the mystery, I guess.
  • Charlie finds Mrs Baddeley humming "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" like Edith and reminds her that Edith is dead, but Mrs Baddeley is nonplussed:
    Mrs Baddeley: Now, my poppet. Would you like a piece of plum pudding?
    Linkara: It's going to turn out the killer was the plum pudding come to life, and that's not even the weirdest thing that's ever happened on Doctor Who.
• Mary and Frederick know they had the perfect motive to kill Mrs Baddeley but can't work out which of them did it, but the Doctor points out that Mrs Baddeley hasn't been killed yet; they respond that they wouldn't have killed Edith anyway:
  Mary: Edith is nothing. Edith is nobody.
  Linkara: This is going to be really embarrassing when it turns out this was an Undercover Boss situation, and Edith was actually their employer.
  • Frederick asks the Doctor if he has been murdered yet, and the Doctor reassures him that he hasn't:
    Linkara: Though, if you guys keep calling Edith a "nobody", we can certainly accelerate that.
• Charley develops a headache and begins to remember something as Mrs Baddeley continues trying to give her plum pudding:
  Charley: And Christmas wouldn't be... It wouldn't be...
  Mrs Baddeley: Christmas without my plum pudding!
  Linkara: Suck it, Labor Day! You don't have plum pudding!
  • Mrs Baddeley then tells Charley that she was always her favorite, and she only made the plum pudding for her; also, Charley was the only one who was nice to her, and she was nothing and nobody to everyone else:
    Charley: Oh, I'm feeling dizzy... What's in this plum pudding?
    Mrs Baddeley: Plums, me poppet.
    Linkara: Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without poison!
• Edith pulls Charley back into the dark house, angry that she's been forgotten:
  Edith: It doesn't matter who killed me. Only why I had to die after all.
  Linkara: You know, Edith, you're being a real Debbie Downer this Christmas; what do you have to be unhappy about?! [beat] Oh, right; everything.
  • Edith asks why she's dead if Charley's still alive, and then warns about another murder:
    Edith: Edward Grove is alive. I am making Edward Grove alive...
    Linkara: [as Edith] I've decided to become Dr. Frankenstein, Charley.
• Charley arrives back at the house and warns Mrs Baddeley that she's the next victim, but Frederick is found dead instead; the Doctor remarks how, when the clock struck, time froze for a bit and then Frederick died. Examining the body, the Doctor finds fresh tire marks, meaning he was run over by a car:
  Mary: To be killed by your own Chrysler! Or Bentley, whichever it was!
  Linkara: Wow, and now Elon Musk's career is going super-fast! The self-driving cars aren't working 100 years before they were made!
  • The Doctor tells Charley that the servants' insistence on Frederick's death being a suicide means they know something they don't:
    The Doctor: It seems to me that this is a murder mystery where the murders themselves are the red herrings.
    Linkara: I'm telling you guys, the real crime going on here is that someone is trying to steal the recipe to the plum pudding.
• Charley tries to find Edith's signature on the dusty table to prove she existed, only to find that the name is gone; Edith then reappears, once again angry at Charley for forgetting her:
  Edith: You're just like all the others. I should never have died for you.
  Linkara: [as Edith] I took a sink plunger to the face for you, Charley!
  • Edith then says that she can make Charley remember nothing but her as the words "Edward Grove is alive" are scratched into the table:
    Edith: Edward Grove is alive. Together, my poppet, we make him so.
    Linkara: [as Edith] Edward Grove is our Chia Pet.
• During his talk with Shaughnessy, the Doctor discovers that the staff of the house are trapped in a time loop, with the same two hours being repeated and the staff in a state of hypnosis, with the force responsible being forced to incorporate any new elements the Doctor or Charley introduce to keep the loop stable; and as for the identity of "Edward Grove", it's actually... the very house they're standing in:
  The Doctor: The only witness to all that has been going on here is the house itself.
  Linkara: I gotta tell you, the time-looped murders are not helping its market value.
  The Doctor: Edward Grove is the killer... and we are standing within his belly.
  Linkara: Wait a minute... That means that this bastard already ate the plum pudding!
  • The house forces the servants to kill the Doctor, with Shaughnessy firing his pistol, but since, according to the rules, all murders must happen on the hour, the bullet just zips back inside Shaughnessy's gun:
    Shaughnessy: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm getting an irresistible urge to shoot you in the head.
    The Doctor: Well, stiff upper lip and all that.
    Linkara: Man, the Eighth Doctor is really underrated for his sass.
    • The Doctor attempts to break the servants out of their hypnotic state by reminding them they're taking orders from a house, only for Charley to arrive under the house's control as the daughter of "His Lordship", which is enough to prove to the servants that their master is human:
      Charley: No doubt you're here for our Christmas party, Doctor. It starts at the chimes of midnight.
      Linkara: Your 1906 Christmas party a rave or something? I just have a hard time believing that you're all just waiting for midnight for the party to start in this era.
• After the loop resets, the Doctor explains to Charley how the house is alive, using the moment of Edith's death as the basis for the time loop and becoming more powerful and sentient as it repeats, with whatever the inhabitants say and do being incorporated into the murder mystery:
  Linkara: And meanwhile, it gives not one damn about those pots and pans when it kills Edith over and over! Oh, sure, Mary takes over, but she's the lady's maid! What's she going to do?! Tie a corset around a saucepan?!
  • After Charley asks how this would even happen, the Doctor mentions how ghosts are theorized to be the psychic remnants of events within a house that the walls absorb, and a sufficiently traumatic event can be preserved forever:
    The Doctor: Can you imagine what would happen if a house was given nothing but traumatic events?
    Linkara: Edward Grove is alive... and it needs therapy.
    • The Doctor tells Charley that they're leaving, lest they be trapped in the loop for eternity, only for the servants to come back in and beg them to stay:
      Mrs Badderley: Is that true, my poppet? But I've so much plum pudding to feed you.
      Linkara: [as the Doctor] "UNLIMITED PLUM PUDDING, ETCETERA, ETCETERA."
• After the Doctor explains to Charley that their arrival is the paradox that created the time loop, the servants bring the Doctor to speak with Edward Grove, which possesses Shaughnessy to communicate with him:
  The Doctor: Edward Grove, I presume.
  Edward Grove: You presume... correctly.
  The Doctor: And you're alive, I gather. Well done.
  Linkara: [as the Doctor] Here's a cookie; good for you!
• Edith and Charley converse once again, and after Edith shows herself, Charley recognizes her as the cook in her family's estate; Edith explains that years of working as a scullery maid caused her looks to deteriorate, but as the Pollard family cook, she would always bake plum pudding for Christmas, which was Charley's favorite dish:
  Linkara: Charley probably should've complained more about the threepenny bits, then.
  • Edith further explains that Charley was the only person who ever showed her kindness, and now wants to know if she's alive or dead:
    Linkara: Well, in the third iteration of the loop, we saw that you had been beaten to death with a broom handle, so... I'm going to write that down in the "probably dead" column.
• The Doctor asks Edward Grove what he wants to do with his life now that he has it, only for him to answer that he doesn't intend to do anything, just wanting to be alive:
  Linkara: Dude, what the hell's the point of being alive if you can't even eat the plum pudding?!
  • After the Doctor points out how the time loop makes everything irrelevant since the loop resets before anything can be affected, Edward Grove replies that he doesn't care:
    Edward Grove: Edward Grove is alive. That's enough for me.
    Linkara: He says that, but then they're going to find black mold in his walls, and we'll see how that "just being alive" thing works out for him and the building inspector.
    • Edward Grove continues his attempts to show hospitality to the Doctor:
      Edward Grove: How about a piece of plum pudding? Mrs Baddeley would be only too happy to rustle you up a piece.
      Linkara: I don't think you appreciate the true meaning of Plum Puddingmas, Mr. Grove!
• After Edward Grove compresses the time loop to just the murders to keep himself alive, the Doctor says that he can fix this by stopping Edith from killing herself, but Edward Grove points out that she's where the dead go before the loop resets; since they're currently in the middle of the clock chimes — the moment a death needs to occur — the Doctor orders Shaughnessy to strangle him to death, who, true to his nature as a butler, complies:
  Linkara: Would've been really awkward if he regenerated instead. Well, Shaughnessy, give it a few more goes; I'm sure it'll stick.
• After Edith breaks the time loop by reaffirming her will to live, the Doctor and Charley materialize normally in 1906, finding a young Edith being scolded by Shaughnessy; to make sure everything is correct, they interrupt and claim to be an inspector of Scotland Yard and his niece, just popping by downstairs to get away from the Christmas party:
  Charley: And we've been... inspecting your larder.
  Linkara: [as Charley] There'd better be plum pudding down here, or we're burning this place to the ground!
  • The Doctor tells them their hosts have bragged about how good the larder was, and he's confirmed it, telling Shaughnessy to convey his complements to the scullery maid, immediately:
    Shaughnessy: Edith... You are a fine scullery maid.
    Edith: Oh, thank you, sir, thank you!
    Linkara: Unfortunately, this just creates a new time loop where Edith is obsessed with a single compliment from this butler.
    • Before she leaves, Charley pulls Edith aside:
      Charley: Remember... You are not nothing. You are not nobody. You are Edith Thompson. Be proud of that.
      Linkara: [as Charley] Although, be less proud of the preservatives; they're very easy to knock off the shelf.
• Linkara's pre-match meeting with the Bandit Chief starts off very tense and serious, the Chief boasting of his victories throughout the tournament and disparaging Linkara for having gotten lucky or relied on others to win his own matches; he then mockingly asks what format Linkara has chosen for the final competition...
  Bandit Chief: Pistols at dawn with your magic gun? Do I need to face down your giant robot? Who writes the better review of a Superman comic or something?
  Linkara: [grins cheekily] ...Yu-Gi-Oh.
  Bandit Chief: [awkward pause] Yu-Gi-Oh?
  Linkara: It's a card game.
  Bandit Chief: I've... heard of it.
  Linkara: Great! Then you have no objections to it!
  Bandit Chief: ...I do, actually—
  Linkara: [cheerfully] Tough!

750: PATREON: Yu-Gi-Oh! Capsule Monsters Episodes 1-3

• Linkara describes Duel Monsters as not just a sporting event, but also a means for ancient sorcerers and monsters to conquer Earth, likening it to defeating Cthulhu with a round of Texas hold 'em.
• Regarding the card game at the center of the franchise:
  Linkara: And seeing as said card game is owned by Konami, a place of pure evil, it should surprise no one that such evil is connected with the true source of evil on Earth: ANCIENT EGYPT! [cue the Imperial March over the pyramids]
• The first episode starts with Yugi in the middle of a nightmare, seeing the spirit of Atem facing off against a shadowy monster:
  Yugi: Pharaoh! It's you!
  Linkara: [as Yugi] And you put on pants for once!
  • When said shadowy monster speaks...
    Linkara: ...Oooookay, the voice they've given this creature is... a choice, certainly. I don't know; I just feel like giving the scary kaiju-sized shadow creature a voice that can be generously described as "evil Barney the Dinosaur" might've been a bad call.
  • After falling out of bed and waking up from the nightmare, Yugi sees the Millennium Puzzle glowing on his desk:
    Yugi: That's strange... What's up with my Millennium Puzzle?
    Linkara: [shrugs] Low battery warning.
• Yugi goes to his grandfather's game shop to find it closed, then flashes back to when Solomon told him he was leaving on a "secret expedition":
  Yugi: You never told me anything about that!
  Solomon: [laughs] That's what makes it a secret!
  Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word.
  Linkara: Yugi's confused because his flight was supposed to have returned last night.
  Linkara: [as Yugi] And if there's one thing you want to do after a long flight on some kind of expedition, it's open your retail store and deal with customers! [beat] Game customers!
• Joey prepares to engage in a contest to win vacation tickets:
  Joey: Around these parts, they call me "Lucky Left Arm". [rolls up his right sleeve and places his hand on the ball cage]
  Owner: Uh, that's your right arm.
  Linkara: [as Joey] Around these parts, they call me "Directional Dyslexia Darryl".
• When explaining the gameplay of Capsule Monsters, Linkara remarks that some people are sore losers if they can't pull off the win condition:
  Linkara: [as Batman] This game is stupid! I'm not wearing hockey pads! [leaves]
• Linkara describes Tristan as having "lost a bet once and had to shave his hair into a cheese wedge. And yet, he still has less weird hair than Yugi."
• Linkara is incredulous about the protagonists randomly winning plane tickets to prompt their trip to where the plot will take place:
  Linkara: Of all the ways they could've gotten our heroes to India, the writers chose to go with the plot of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
• Linkara dismisses Téa's misgivings about their trip:
  Linkara: Oh, come on, Téa; you're just four teenagers going on an international trip without adult supervision when, in the past, megalomaniacal supervillains have attacked or kidnapped you, and you have no money or resources of your own. This is going to be great!
• As the kids board their private plane:
  Pilot: Next stop, India!
  Linkara: Unfortunately, because the airline still overbooked the flight, this is who they have to share the flight with.
  Sterling Archer: [drunkenly] I WANNA FLY THE PLANE!
• When the engines stall and the plane starts to go down:
  Linkara: [as the pilot] Say, you kids ever see the movie Alive?
• Joey runs off to get help after the crash:
  Linkara: [as Joey] As someone moderately good at playing trading cards, I am perfectly suited to surviving in an unfamiliar forest!
• Linkara remarks that "This reboot of Lost is off to a rough start."
• Upon encountering Dr. Alex Brisbane, Yugi asks if his grandfather is okay:
  Dr. Brisbane: He's, uh... N-Now, how shall I put this...?
  Linkara: [as Dr. Brisbane] "Eaten by fire ants."
• Dr. Brisbane explains how he followed a stairwell below the pyramid he and Solomon were exploring:
  Linkara: [as Dr. Brisbane] Unfortunately, that was just the pyramid's unfinished basement; no washer or dryer hookup, either.
• After Joey steps on a map tile which sucks him inside:
  Yugi: The tile that Joey stepped on looks like a mountain!
  Téa: Ah! And that's a jungle!
  Linkara: And that looks like you guys are wasting time by pointing out the obvious!
  Yugi: A map with different land types...
  Linkara: In other words... a map. [beat] What?
• Dr. Brisbane says the pyramid was meant to house some kind of ancient game:
  Yugi: [thinking] An ancient game? No wonder Gramps came here!
  Linkara: [as an archaeologist] Solomon Muto, we desperately need your help! We think we've found the Ark of the Covenant!
  Linkara: [as Solomon] Is there a game on it?
  Linkara: [as an archaeologist] Well... no.
  Linkara: [as Solomon] Then who gives a rat's ass?!
• As the other kids follow Joey into the map while Dr. Brisbane stays behind:
  Linkara: Thanks dude, can't wait to find out that you're the villain and all!
• Yugi recognizes various objects and creatures they come across as being from the Capsule Monsters board game:
  Yugi: [seeing a giant praying mantis monster] That looks familiar, too!
  Linkara: [as Yugi] You're from Monster Rancher! Get the hell out of here!
• After Yugi changes into his Yami Yugi persona, a stone he touches cracks open:
  Yami: What have I done?!
  Linkara: [as Yami] By the gods... Were those things insured? Do I owe somebody money?!
• Yami finds this whole situation somehow familiar...
  Linkara: [as Yami] Wait, didn't we have, like, two filler arcs already about interacting with monsters like this, but those were in virtual reality?
• The Celtic Guardian talks to Yami:
  Celtic Guardian: For the duration of this game, I shall protect you, Master.
  Linkara: [as the Celtic Guardian] After that, you're going to be the first meat in the kebab I make with my sword.
• Upon the Celtic Guardian being stored in a small capsule, things begin to click for Yami:
  Yami: I don't know how or why, but... we've entered the world of Capsule Monsters!
  Linkara: [as Yami] And this world is nothing like Pokémon, you hear me?! Just because we're storing monsters in small containers that we put in our belts, who will fight for our amusement, doesn't mean this is Pokémon at all!
• Yami calls out to the others, warning them that "This place is more dangerous than you think!"
  Linkara: [as Yami] I know that the giant bugs who can slice you in half were really relaxing, but it's actually kind of unsafe!
• Yami hears some noises and warns whatever it is that he's not alone.
  Linkara: [as Yami] I share a body with a small child! You have been warned!
• Joey is dropped into a nest with baby birds inside, and tries to escape by falling over the cliff, but ends up falling into another nest with more baby birds; then a second attempt at the same strategy lands him in yet another nest with even more baby birds:
  Linkara: Joey, I think we need to consider the possibility that God actually hates you.
  • Joey attempts to fight the bird monsters on the back of the newly summoned Baby Dragon, but didn't expect for there to be so many of them:
    Joey: It's time you were schooled in the Joey Wheeler Technique of Battle!
    Linkara: [as Joey] My class costs $400 and consists of advice you can find for free elsewhere!
    Joey: If you can't beat 'em... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
    Gen. Patton: You magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• Yugi is confused that the Celtic Guardian is struggling against the tree monster, pointing out that the former has more attack points:
  Linkara: Yeah, welcome to the world of anime adaptation, Yugi; you'd be shocked how often Pikachu has zapped Ground-type Pokémon despite them being immune to it in the games.
  • Upon Yami discovering that any damage the Celtic Guardian takes is felt by him, too:
    Linkara: [as Yami] Urgh... Yugi, for completely innocuous reasons, we should switch out now!
• Joey remarks to Baby Dragon that they make a good team:
  Linkara: [as Baby Dragon] We sure do! And I'm certainly not keeping you around so I can eat you later!
• The tree monsters capture Yami and the Celtic Guardian in their branches:
  Linkara: Aww, they just wanted a hug!
  • As a fire monster burns the tree monsters:
    Yami: This game is really beginning to heat up!
    Linkara: [as Yami] Yugi, why didn't we just set all our enemies on fire before now?! I love it!
• After a moment where an excited Joey wipes some drool from his mouth:
  Linkara: Just remember that somebody in America wrote, "And then Joey Wheeler drools a little bit and wiped it off.", and sent it off to the animators.
• Joey runs to the waterfall to cool off after Baby Dragon breathes fire on him to burn off the magic scroll binding him:
  Linkara: Remember kids, fire is only fatal to trees; you can just wash off getting engulfed in flames.
• Tristan is doing poorly during the fight with the sea monster:
  Tristan: Maybe if I paid a little more attention to Yugi during his duels, I'd be able to come up with some sort of strategy...!
  Linkara: [as Tristan] Wait! If I launch something via Catapult Turtle at the Castle of Dark Illusions' flotation ring, it'll come crashing down and destroy my opponent's monsters! [beat] What do you mean, "that only works in Season 1"?!
• A mysterious figure defeats the sea monster, dramatically standing in shadow at the top of a cliff to end the episode... who, despite the animators' attempts to hide his identity, is quite obviously Solomon:
  Linkara: OH, MY GOD, WHO COULD IT BE?! THEY'VE HIDDEN HIM SO WELL! [beat] I bet it's Kaiba.
• The recap featured in the beginning of "Reunited at Last" shows, for some reason, the camera shaking as the sea monster is defeated:
  Linkara: [as the camera shakes] Hey guys, this is how I'm going to defeat the Bandit Chief in my duel later! This isn't annoying, is it?!
• At the beginning of the third episode:
  Yami: Yugi, did you see what I saw?
  Linkara: [as Yami] A star, a star, dancing in the night! You see, Yugi? This episode is totally Christmas-related!
• After most of the protagonists have been reunited, Téa remarks that the still-missing Joey will likely "drop by" at any moment... upon which Joey literally drops upside-down by the campfire:
  Yugi: Okay, now that's just weird.
  Linkara: That's not in the script; that's just Dan Green commenting on this while recording lines.
• The Celtic Guardian is bit on his shoulder by a Flower Wolf and reacts in pain:
  Linkara: [as the Celtic Guardian] Ow, my shoulder pad!
  • Linkara notes that the Celtic Guardian, a swordsman monster, has had more success in these episodes with strategies that involve throwing his sword away.
• Tristan and Joey do a victory dance:
  Tristan and Joey: [dancing] We just kicked a little can-can, kicked a little-- [clutch their backs in pain]
  Linkara: Now, do the "we've got internal bleeding" dance!
  Yugi: Pharaoh... something on your mind?
  Linkara: [as Yami] Yes, Yugi; I, too, would like to do the victory dance.
• After the group discovers that they are actually on the back of a giant turtle:
  Linkara: I know I could make the Pokémon comparison again, what with giant Torterras that look like landmasses... buuut that wouldn't happen until years later. You got there first, Yu-Gi-Oh!.
  Yugi: Relax, guys! Island Turtles are usually pretty peaceful creatures who won't attack unless they're provoked!
  Linkara: [as Yugi] I know that because shut up.
• The group finds a giant oil lamp:
  Joey: So, what's with the giant teapot?
  Yami: That's no teapot...
  Linkara: [as Yami] It's a space station.
  • They discover the "teapot" is actually the vessel for La Jinn the Mystical Genie of the Lamp:
    Solomon: But our monsters aren't powerful enough to defeat the likes of him!
    Linkara: I mean... your Summoned Skull could. [beat] Also, if it hasn't recharged yet, it really sucks, dude.
• Joey, observing the battle, notes that the genie "fights dirty":
  Linkara: Yeah, such a dirty fighter, what with his... punching. [shrugs]
• Solomon translates a stone tablet covered in hieroglyphics:
  Linkara: [as Solomon] "I wish to file a complaint about this low-quality copper I bought..."
• The episode ends with Yugi saying they'll head out and hopefully get home:
  Linkara: Considering there are nine more episodes of this, I wouldn't hold my breath.
• The Contest of Champions commentators note that the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh! are fairly consistent across most universes, but give a quick run-down for the benefit of anyone unfamiliar with the game or “in a universe where the game is played with knives.”
• Linkara casually admits to the Bandit Chief that he’s a bit out-of-practice at the game:
  Linkara: Did you know “Call of the Haunted” isn’t restricted anymore? Where’s the logic in that?
  Bandit Chief: And such an early version of the rules. No pendulum summoning, no link summoning, no synchro-summoning...
  Linkara: (half paying attention) Synchro-what?
  • As the game goes on he often keeps playing it up in a way that comes across as Obfuscating Stupidity just to Troll Bandit Chief.
    Bandit Chief: So you don’t know what synchro-summoning is, but you still use tuners?
    Linkara: No, I don’t have “Toon World” anywhere in my deck.
    Bandit Chief: (rolls eyes)
• The Chief reveals that he is in fact quite familiar with Linkara’s choice of game:
  Linkara: Huh. When do you have time to play?
  Bandit Chief: We all need hobbies. Some platoons play checkers to pass the time, some write poetry. We play a children’s card game. And I can assure you, I am very good at it. Still want this to be our contest?
  Linkara: (starts getting up from his seat) I suppose we could just play Ticket to Ride instead—
  Bandit Chief: (grabs him) Sit down and shuffle your deck already.
  • While they’re shuffling their decks:
    Bandit Chief: You look ridiculous, by the way.
    Linkara: And you look like an asshole, so it all evens out!
• Commentator Miranda Vieira struggles to pronounce “Nimble Momonga” when Linkara’s is destroyed, giving it a few tries before finally settling on “that squirrel thing”, which her co-commentator Phil Tomarken just goes with.
• Once the game gets started, the Bandit Chief comments on Linkara’s monster choices:
  Bandit Chief: I thought being a guy all about comic books you’d be all about “Elemental Heroes”.
  Linkara: You’re literally called “Bandit Chief”, is your deck built around “Dark Scorpion” and its support cards?
  Bandit Chief: (rolls eyes disdainfully) Of course not.
  Linkara: Then let’s stop making assumptions about someone’s preferred preferences!
• Bandit Chief has an internal monologue while waiting for Linkara to make his next move:
  Bandit Chief: He’s staring so intently at his hand. He must have some kind of strategy brewing. He’s mulling the options; considering every single possible resource; weighing the risks versus benefits of his decisions. I’m going to win today, but at least my opponent is thoughtful, careful, and a truly worthy adversary. (out-loud) Come now, Linkara, surely you’re prepared to make your move now?
  Linkara: (looks up) Hm? Oh I’m sorry, I-I completely spaced out, is it my turn? (cheeky grin)
  Bandit Chief: ...I think I hate you.
  Linkara: Aw, but we were becoming such fast friends!
• The two get into a brief digression arguing about a banned card:
  Bandit Chief: I thought you had a “Blue-Eyes” deck.
  Linkara: I use what I like to use. Just be grateful I didn’t put “Cyber Jar” in here.
  Bandit Chief: That thing’s been banned for—
  Linkara: FOR NO GOOD REASON!
  Bandit Chief: It can destroy all of the monsters on the field, and let you gain a bunch more cards!
  Linkara: Yes, and it also destroys all the monsters on my side of the field too, while not necessarily allowing me to get anything useful, while at the same time making sure that you might be able to get something useful too! It’s a perfectly fine card, and it has been banned for too long!
  Bandit Chief: You’re stalling.
  Linkara: I’m ranting, there’s a difference!
• Naturally at one point Bandit Chief plays “Pot of Greed”:
  Linkara: (shocked) "Pot of Greed", what does that do?!
  Bandit Chief: (nonplussed) ...I just said, draw two cards.
  Linkara: No one will ever know...
  Bandit Chief: (holding out the card) It’s written on the card! You probably have one in your deck!
  Linkara: No, no, see, i-it’s a meme in my universe, where anyone who plays “Pot of Greed”… (trails off as Bandit Chief just gives him an unimpressed glare) ...You’re no fun.
  Bandit Chief: I’m really not.
• When Linksano interrupts the contest:
  Linkara: How did you even get into the stadium?
  Linksano: Bribery. Temlins, you should really fix that!
• When the Bandit Chief’s clone minions storm the stadium, including the commentators’ boxes, Phil immediately ducks down to try to hide behind Miranda.
  • In contrast, George Reece and Danielle Dantari take the whole thing more in stride:
    George: (glancing around at all the guns pointed at him) Well, uh, this Contest has taken a turn for the disappointing.
  • After the Temlins remove all of the clones, Phil belatedly flips them off.
    Danielle: (not reacting at all as the clones all around her are teleported away) And I think this will disqualify him from competing any further.
• Linksano comments on Bandit Chief’s plan:
  Linksano: I thought you were supposed to be cunning. That was your backup plan? To try to threaten beings who can pluck gods and monsters out of their universes to fight for their amusement… with guns?
• Danielle keeps up her usual cheerful commentator voice as she closes off their coverage with the note that Bandit Chief won’t be returning for the next Tournament and “can promptly die in a fire as far as this newscaster is concerned.”
• Dr. Linksano giggling about using the Infinity Gauntlet to create his own science vessel:
  Linksano: It’ll be a giant lab, populated entirely by hot robot assistants! (giggles) Oh, I’ll show you up, Dr. Crafty! (more giggling)

751: PATREON: Klaus #1-7

• According to the series' writer, Grant Morrison, after finishing up All-Star Superman, they decided to give the same treatment to a public domain character, Santa Claus, treating this series as more of a "Santa Claus: Year One" or "All-Star Santa Claus":
  Linkara: Hopefully following along their own All-Star path and not the ASBAR or Superman: Year One path of Frank Miller, because we don't need Santa the Barbarian again. [beat] Or ever. [beat] Santa the Barbarian sucked.
  • When it came to the look of the character, the first image that popped in Morrison's head was a "ferocious-looking, almost 'Conan the Barbarian' young man with black hair and a black beard":
    Linkara: Oh, God, we are getting Santa the Barbarian again!
    • Then, after getting covered in snow, his hair and beard would turn white:
      Linkara: The first image was frostbite and freezing to death. Merry Christmas!
• The first issue opens with Klaus himself walking through the snow:
  Captions: Once upon a time. And a place. There was a man.
  Linkara: Well, that narrows it down.
  Captions: These days everyone knows his name, but few could tell you who he really is— Or how he got started.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But that's what Wikipedia's for.
  Captions: This is the greatest untold story of them all.
  Linkara: ...And the comic ends right there, what with it being "untold" and all.
• After entering the town of Grimsvig, Klaus heads inside a bar to inquire about the state of the town, only to be rudely interrupted by some guards who force him outside and steal his wares:
  Guard: Everything within the walls of Grimsvig is the Baron's property.
  Linkara: [as the guard] That smelly outhouse? Baron's property.
  • The guards tell Klaus he is not welcome in town, especially after wolves have been heard howling at night:
    Guard: You wouldn't know anything about wolves, would you? Or men who turn into wolves?
    Klaus: I only know such things don't exist.
    Linkara: [as Klaus] Now, vampires, on the other hand...
    • The guards turn their attention to some children playing with some rocks, demanding to know if they're toys:
      Klaus: Leave the boy alone. It's only a stone. A stone's not a toy—
      Guard: In the hands of a child, anything can become a toy!
      Linkara: [holds up his script] This script? A toy! [holds up a remote] This remote? A toy! [holds up a candy cane-patterned Robomat] This Robomat? A t— Okay, bad example; this actually is a toy... which you can order right now! [posts the link to his Storenvy page]
• At the city gates, the head of the guards, Sergeant Linkvist, inquires about the commotion below, but is ordered to stand down by Lord Magnus, who has pale skin and is dressed in long black robes in case the reader can't tell he's evil:
  Magnus: You have to let the men have their fun, Sergeant. It is Yuletime, after all. The time for fun.
  Linkara: [as Magnus] The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some would consider to be... fun.
• Later, Magnus visits his young son Jonas, who angrily destroys his present of a model of Grimsvig:
  Jonas: Why aren't there little people who do what I say? I wanted little people.
  Linkara: Elon Musk: the early years.
  • Jonas complains about not having anyone else to play with, but Magnus says that having people around may one day lead them to betray him:
    Magnus: Now, about your mother— my boy— She's not well. Not normal.
    Linkara: [as Magnus] She's been getting into NFTs, my son, and even I'm not that evil.
• During the family dinner, Magnus informs his wife, Dagmar, that Jonas was unhappy with his gift:
  Dagmar: Craftsmen worked all year to construct that model town. I'm sure they'd love to hear any suggestions you have for improvement, Jonas.
  Linkara: [as Jonas] Well, for starters, if you're going to give me a model town, can I at least have a to-scale Godzilla toy to go with it?
• Klaus and his pet wolf Lilli kill a stag for food:
  Klaus: This broth's not for you. This has healing magic in it, Lilli. Stick with your bones.
  Linkara: Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without your plum broth!
  Klaus: [sotto voce] We're all bones in the end.
  Linkara: [singing] Under the housetop, we play with stones; in the end, we're all just bones!
  • After getting possessed by the spirits of the forest, Klaus wakes up the next morning to find his hands aching and dozens of wood-carved toys at his feet:
    Klaus: Lilli— What did I do last night?
    Linkara: [as Klaus] Where did I get the paint?!
    Klaus: What am I supposed to do now?
    Linkara: [shrugs] Open an Etsy store, I guess.
• In the second issue, after Klaus delivers his toys to the children of Grimsvig, we learn that not only are the wooden birds capable of flight, but also singing:
  Linkara: At some point, we're going to see Klaus flying in on some hang glider he built like Yor: The Hunter from the Future. [plays the relevant clip from that film] Or Ator from Cave Dwellers.
  Joel Robinson: [childlike] I'm the luckiest boy in the world!
  Linkara: Why do so many fantasy barbarians have access to hang gliders?!
• As the guards try to scrub some graffiti off a poster of Magnus, Magnus himself arrives and berates them for erasing potential evidence:
  Magnus: It's practically a signature. Is this supposed to be funny? [sotto voce] Why the rune for "joy" on the chin?
  Linkara: Eh, he was actually trying to draw you with a really goofy goatee, but then he got bored halfway through.
  • While Magnus demands an explanation for how this mysterious infiltrator was able to sneak in and deliver his toys, Linkara comes to a realization:
    Linkara: You know, it's funny; Grant Morrison couldn't remember the "origin story of Santa from the 60's", but here they are speedrunning Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town. [beat] Should've just called Magnus "Burgermeister Meisterburger".
• Jonas vents his frustrations on how other children are having fun with their toys while he isn't:
  Dagmar: I'm sure your father will put a swift end to any fun anyone might be having, dear. If he can't make a profit on it, he gets suspicious.
  Linkara: [as Dagmar] Ever since his days as a Hasbro executive.
  Dagmar: He's very strict about fun.
  Linkara: [as Dagmar] Certainly explains our sex life...
• When a parent asks Magnus why he's taking away the children's toys, Magnus comes up with a sob story about his son having a serious medical condition, and the toys he's given are the only thing keeping him happy:
  Magnus: Only a cruel, greedy, and heartless harridan would deny happiness to a lonely little boy. If that's what you've become— Shame on you, widow Magnusson.
  Linkara: We're going to find Magnus later on playing with all the toys himself.
  • After Magnus demands to know who saw the person who gave out the toys, a child steps forward and claims it was actually the Yuletime spirit:
    Magnus: There. Is. No. Such. Thing.
    Linkara: [as Magnus] Have you ever heard the Tragedy of Darth Yuletime the Generous?
• As Jonas rummages through the "donated" toys, he discovers that they aren't singing or flying for him like they did for the other children:
  Jonas: Father lied! All you ever did was lie to me about everything!
  Linkara: [as Jonas] Father doesn't have an uncle who works at Nintendo at all!
• That night, as Sergeant Linkvist shows his men the rope Klaus used to enter the town, a giant brute of a guard named Olav makes his entrance:
  Olav: No one can hide from Olav. Olav will find the man. Olav will eat him alive! Olav is me, obviously.
  Linkara: [as Olav] Olav's true passion is being a dentist, however!
  • Klaus stealthily takes out most of the guards, but is forced to fight Olav directly:
    Olav: You're no ghost. But soon you will be! You walked straight into a trap!
    Linkara: [as Olav] Olav activate trap card! Olav regional champion in Duel Monsters!
• After recovering a sack left behind by Klaus, Magnus orders the guards to track him with his scent:
  Magnus: Find him! Bring him to me! In bite-size pieces!
  Linkara: [as Magnus] All Yuletime spirits are now enemies of the Republic. Do what must be done. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy.
• In the third issue, the guards arrive just after Lilli saves Klaus from the pursuing dogs, and come to the conclusion that only a wolf could scare off the dogs like that:
  Guard: Seems we're dealing with a wolf, sir, possibly a wolf-man. Or a ghost.
  Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy.
  Sergeant Linkvist: A wolf, hmm? A vanishing wolf. A ghost-wolf, no less.
  Linkara: [as Sergeant Linkvist] An elf-wolf.
• Magnus examines the toy bird Dagmar is holding, briefly remarking how old it is compared to the others, and crushes it, seeing it only as a means to deliver poison:
  Magnus: These things are a symbol of revolt.
  Linkara: That's true; if my Masterpiece Soundwave means anything, it's a sign of defiance against tyrants. [beat] Also, the supreme generosity of my fans, but mostly the tyrant thing.
• Magnus enters the deepest level of the coal mines and speaks with an unseen entity, currently inside a giant hunk of coal:
  Magnus: I've done everything you asked. I've remade Grimsvig to your exacting specifications, as a town without cheer.
  Linkara: The Grinch found a whole new way to steal Christmas: dictatorships.
  • The entity relays its demands to Magnus, but Magnus is wary about carrying them out since the populace is on the verge of rebelling:
    Magnus: Just don't ever forget who's in charge here! And try to keep it quiet, will you? These men are superstitious fools.
    Entity: HUR HUR HUR HUR
    Linkara: Oh, my God, it's the Ice Cream Bunny! [plays a clip of the Bunny "laughing" on the film's Rifftrax]
• Using the church bells as a distraction, Klaus ziplines down to the center of Grimsvig, reaching a large, dead tree:
  Klaus: Remember me? I cut live wood from your branches once, dead tree. I made a symbol.
  Linkara: The gritty reboot of The Giving Tree that we never knew we wanted.
• Later, Klaus visits Dagmar in the castle:
  Klaus: Hello, Dagmar. How long has it been?
  Linkara: [as Klaus] I know ghosting you after that date was wrong, but I was going through some stuff at the time. But hey, check it out: I got jacked!
• Issue four digs into Klaus's origins, with him being discovered as a baby in his mother's frozen arms:
  Man: Karl! It's a baby! It's alive!
  Linkara: [as the man] We're eatin' good tonight!
• After Klaus finishes recounting his backstory, Dagmar warns him that Magnus' guards will hunt him down, but Klaus isn't too worried:
  Klaus: And I have a plan. You used to like making plans.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, his plan turns out to be a bikini car wash in the middle of winter, and it does not go well.
• Dagmar delivers the toy she received from Klaus to Jonas, who's busy smashing the other toys:
  Jonas: SO! WHERE'S! THE! MAGIC?
  Linkara: ...In several pieces now, thanks to you, I guess.
  • Dagmar briefly manages to make Jonas happy by engaging in imaginative play with him, but they are interrupted by an incensed Magnus:
    Magnus: We all have serious work to do. I have a plan, a grown-up plan. And I expect you to play a grown-up part in it, Jonas. It's time we made a man of you.
    Linkara: [as Jonas] Dad, this is sounding suspiciously like we're opening a strip club...
• Sergeant Linkvist goes home to find Klaus waiting for him:
  Sergeant Linkvist: How did you get in here?
  Klaus: I came down the chimney...
  Linkara: [as Klaus] Thinking of starting a new career installing furnaces.
  • Sergeant Linkvist laments how he did nothing to change things for Grimsvig as Magnus grew more and more power-hungry:
    Sergeant Linkvist: You don't think I'm ashamed? This uniform— these colors— the red and white— They used to mean something!
    Klaus: They will again, Karl.
    Linkara: [as Klaus] And we shall call this land... Switzerland!
    Klaus: I'm throwing a Yuletime party, and everyone's invited.
    Linkara: [as Klaus] It is potluck, though; I'm not made of money here.
• In issue five, after Jonas tells Dagmar about the entity Magnus has been communicating with, Magnus enters wielding a giant greatsword and rambling about how the "Voice in the Black Rock" told him he's about to be caught and executed by the king's men:
  Magnus: I've been preparing Grimsvig for its arrival— and in return, it gives me strength!
  Linkara: And by that, he means it gives him drugs. Jonas overhears all this.
  Magnus: But it must be released from its prison at midwinter, two days from now. Or nothing will save me from the king and his assassins.
  Dagmar: Ugh, Magnus, you really need to stop watching Newsmax and Fox News simultaneously.
• Klaus enters the mines and knocks out the guards, telling the workers to go home to their families:
  Klaus: Tell them the Santa wears the red and white of Grimsvig. White for the snow of our homeland, red for the blood of the working people who built this town.
  Linkara: [as Klaus] Chrome for the... fact that I didn't have time to spray-paint the metal. Black for the... coal that we mine that, uh... Okay, bad example; ignore the black on my belt.
• After Klaus manages to escape a trap set up by Magnus' guards, he climbs to the rooftops to find archers aiming poison arrows at him:
  Linkara: [singing] You better watch out, you better still cry. It's better to pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is getting gunned down.
  • Klaus is hit multiple times, and has to be dragged out of town by a boy, who hooks him and Lilli up to a sled:
    Klaus: [weakly] ...Hurry... Hurry... ...Into dark... Into dark... Into darkness we must go...
    Linkara: [as Klaus] It's a bad Star Trek movie, but it's our only hope now...
    • Linkara also points out the spooky-looking trees in the background, but knows just the guy to take care of them:
      Yami: This game is really beginning to heat up!
• The sixth issue sees the boy, Finn Mikkelsen, bring Klaus back to his shack, which is stocked full of mystical herbs:
  Finn: Wow. I knew you were a wizard.
  Linkara: [as Klaus] Actually, kid, I'm a drug dealer; that's my weed. I ain't gonna make it, so at least I want to be high one last time.
  • Both are soon captured, with Klaus being tied to an icy lake to freeze and Finn being thrown in a dungeon with the town's other children, who are busy gorging themselves on candy before they are sacrificed:
    Finn: He's fattening us up! Like geese at Yuletime!
    Girl: <urrp> Isn't that good?
    Linkara: [as the girl] I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, Finn, but our lives kind of suck; I think being a monster's lunch is going to be preferable to our current squalor.
• One of the miners, Finn's father, chops at the hunk of coal hard enough to free the entity:
  Entity: FREE FROM ROCKS! FREE FROM BOOKS!
  Linkara: Oh, God! They released a geology student who's going on summer vacation!
• In the final issue, as the entity, the Krampus, prepares to consume Jonas, Magnus realizes he has been betrayed, lamenting how the creature promised him he'd be king:
  Krampus: KING? YOU'RE A WEAKLING! SLAVE TO A VOICE IN YOUR HEAD!
  Linkara: The slobbering, child-eating hell-beast has got a point, Magnus; it's not exactly a good sign of leadership quality to attend to the whims of a demon.
• Klaus arrives on a magic sleigh and fights the Krampus, but before he can finish the beast off, Klaus is stabbed in the back by Magnus:
  Linkara: You know, at least the Krampus is just trying to get some takeout after however long he was trapped in coal; you're just a tool, dude.
  • The Krampus incinerates Magnus and captures Jonas, but before Dagmar tries to fight the monster, Klaus gets back up to her shock:
    Klaus: Something happened to me... out on the ice. The shining family brought me to a house behind the northern lights... I can't be killed now.
    Linkara: [as Klaus] At least until Tim Allen comes along.
• As an angry mob descends on Dagmar and the guards, Klaus climbs onto the rooftops and leaps towards the Krampus:
  Klaus: I say this— THERE ARE NO BAD CHILDREN!
  Linkara: Oh, boy; don't tell him about the Macaulay Culkin movie The Good Son, then.
• Dagmar takes over as the leader of Grimsvig, with Klaus advising her throughout the years:
  Captions: His name was Klaus. Which means "victory of the people." And once upon a time they all lived happily— —but the time is always now. And now outlives each one of us.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And since he was immortal, we renamed him "Santa Now" instead.
  • After Dagmar passes away and Jonas becomes the new Baron, Klaus prepares to leave and promises to return every Yuletime to give gifts to the children, leaving Jonas to ask what he'll do the other 364 days:
    Linkara: [as Klaus] Ho, ho, ho! Jonas... My true passion is stock trading.
    Klaus: It's a big world and the sky goes on forever, Lord Jonas. I'll just have to use my imagination.
    Linkara: Klaus gets bored within hours of entering rural Wisconsin.
• The series ends with Klaus flying his sleigh into space, which Linkara takes to mean he's going to conquer the Martians or something.

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