Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2022 Episodes 700 - 712

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700th Episode: Superman: Year One #1-3

• The Framing Device for this episode is about an elder Linkara (played by Lewis' father) being interviewed by a reporter (played by Lewis' mother) over his successful career, all the while parodying the constant retconning of origin stories as he keeps making blatantly false claims about his past.
  • It turns out elder Linkara explained the entirety of his theme song. When the reporter expresses shock he just did that, Linkara replies that she "gets paid by the hour, right?" This silences her.
  • In the far-flung future, Pollo has a new body (based on Laserbeak of Transformers fame), but still no working arms. He does have neat talons, though!
  • With the interview over, the reporter goes to someone more popular than Linkara: Dominic Noble, who still looks like he did in the 2020s. He explains that this is because he has somehow gained immortality through reading an unhealthy amount of E. L. James books. Both he and the reporter admit that it wasn't worth it at all.
• Linkara notes how the first issue's cover depicts him as an adult due to his body proportions, but appears to be emerging from the ship that took him to Earth as a baby:
  Linkara: Although, I can't really tell if he's fully-grown or not; this could be a teenager, for all we know. With the proportions all over the place, maybe this is him as a baby!
• The story opens on Krypton's final moments:
  Captions: The air seems to boil. Lightning flashes. Thunder roars. A planetwide storm. There is no rain, no relief.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Weather forecasters all across the planet say in unison, "Oops."
  Captions: The crust roars and wrenches.
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, I remember the last time I overcooked a pizza.
  Captions: Everything falls and clatters and breaks.
  Linkara: [as the captions] All cats on Krypton are making a statement.
  Captions: Everything screams.
  Linkara: [as the captions] That shoelace over there? It's screaming.
  • We get a closer view of the destruction:
    Captions: Pipelines explode. Crystalline towers built to last for eons shatter like porcelain.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Lawsuits are filed for false advertising.
    Captions: It is the end. For everything. For everyone. It is the death of the planet Krypton.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Somehow, the life insurance on it still ends up being collected.
    • We soon discover, weirdly enough, that baby Kal-El is the one providing the narration:
      Captions: Just look at Mom and Dad. They're running. They're jumping. They're dancing.
      Linkara: No, no, no, no, no. That's not how you dance when the world is ending. Fortunately, to demonstrate that properly, we have the Ninja Style Dancer.
      Ninja Style Dancer: [properly demonstrates apocalyptic dance protocol]
• Jor-El and Lara manage to send Kal-El away before Krypton explodes, setting his course for the planet Earth... only for it to seemingly explode, too:
  Linkara: Man, the "S" doesn't mean "hope" in this version; it means "worst luck".
• Jor-El's voice is broadcast from the ship's computers to wake up Kal-El, which are only distinguishable from Kal's previous captions by rounded corners:
  Jor-El's Voice: Wake up, my son! Wake up. You have much to do.
  Linkara: [as Jor-El] You've got a busy day of pooping, and then sleeping, and then giggling at random things.
  Jor-El's Voice: A world awaits. A living world. A world of terrors and wonders. A world that needs you. A world you must save.
  Linkara: [as Jor-El] No pressure or anything.
  Jor-El's Voice: WAKE UP!
  Linkara: [as Jor-El] Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup!
  • The ship then opens up, revealing Jonathan Kent:
    Captions: Rush of a thousand gorgeous, angelic alien scents.
    Linkara: And then he smells grape jelly and mustard, and Kal-El decides to destroy the Earth.
    Captions: A million buzzes and squeals and chatters and chirps from a universe of life.
    Linkara: Eh, mostly bugs, though, based on that description.
    • Kal-El emerges from the ship and stares creepily at the reader:
      Captions: The Kansas wind sweeps across the wheat field like the cleansing hand of God.
      Linkara: I think that lyric got cut from Oklahoma!...
• Jonathan picks up Kal-El for the first time, and feels something... unexpected:
  Captions: Jon Kent feels something probe inside his skull. A gentle warmth makes him feel like his brain is floating. The boy coos, pleased. This is not a hostile. Let him take you to your new home. Let him think this is all his idea.
  Linkara: Is Kal using mind control on him?!
  • Jonathan brings Kal-El back to his house on his truck:
    Captions: Father once did a demonstration of how this antique kind of engine works. It burns dead monsters.
    Linkara: So, Jor-El decided to teach his infant son the basics: reading, writing, and how combustion engines, long-outdated technology on Krypton, works; it's like trying to teach your three-year-old about Linotype machines!
• Jonathan introduces Kal-El to Martha:
  Jonathan: Hi. I found me something. He came out of a rocket what dropped straight outta the sky.
  Linkara: [as Jonathan] We're eatin' good tonight, Martha!
  Martha: Those eyes of his... It's like they've seen worlds upon worlds. Wonders beyond all reckoning...
  Linkara: [as Martha] We'll make a fortune selling them!
  Martha: Jonathan— Wherever could this boy have come from?
  Jonathan: Maybe that just don't matter, my love! Maybe all that counts is where he's headed.
  Linkara: And yet, so many seem to care more about where he came from; go figure.
• After Kal-El gets his Earth name of Clark Kent and grows up, Jonathan drives him to his first day of high school:
  Jonathan: You watch your step, Clark. If you go and start thinking you're better than everybody else... ...well, there's nothing good can come of that.
  Linkara: [as Jonathan] Especially because... well, not to put too fine a point on it, Clark, but you ever hear the expression "pencil-neck"?
  Clark: I'm not better than anybody. I know that. I'm just better at doing stuff...
  Linkara: [as Clark] I really want to go "over there" and be better, but "over there" has to take care of its own problems, right, Dad?
  Jonathan: Or like your head's getting so big, it'll just explode, right, boy?
  Linkara: Oh, God, even the comic is aware of how comically huge his head is!
  • During lunch, Clark overhears his classmates talking about how he managed to adjust his friend's styrofoam helmet in science class, but then picks up something else, revealed to be Lana Lang:
    Captions: Then he hears a name. Her name.
    Linkara: [as Clark] Wait, why are those kids talking about Billie Eilish years before they were even born?
• Later that afternoon, Clark meets with a group of similar "weirdos" and encourages them to respond to bullying with snark and jokes:
  Clark: Never forget. You're a heck of a lot smarter than the whole pack of them. Mess with their heads.
  Linkara: [as Clark] Tell them to solve pi to the last digit and watch their heads explode.
  • The kid he helped earlier, Mickey, says they'll just bust their heads open in response:
    Clark: Not if your jokes are good enough to get the whole crowd laughing.
    Linkara: [as Clark] Do what that Linkara guy does and say "boner" a lot! It works for him!
• At the dinner table, Clark asks his parents what to do about the bullies at school; Martha says to deal with them non-violently, while Jonathan jokes that he should talk to them first and then kick their butts when that fails... but ultimately sides with Martha:
  Linkara: Then he tells his son to just let bullying happen, and also, if kids get hurt, he should let them get hurt, because it's more important to preserve the secret, but in the future, he can probably figure it all out for himself in a vague, abstract sense that isn't actually helpful. [beat] Oh, and then his ghost will show up at some point to tell Clark that helping people will actually make things worse.
• After another bullying incident, Clark tries to talk to them and get them to stop, but they decide to pick a fight with him in return:
  Captions: ...His father's voice whispers. The voice from the rocket.
  Linkara: [as Jor-El] My son... I think I accidentally left my wallet in the rocket; could you send it back?
• After meeting with the vice principal about his encounter with the bullies, Clark talks with his parents about ways to fight back:
  Clark: But is it bullying to fight back? Somebody's gotta take on the bad guys.
  Martha: Oh, nobody's really bad, darling. Some people just get confused.
  Linkara: Hahahahahaha... Yes, they are, Martha; there are legitimately bad people. They are awful, and the only confusion should come from why it took so long to punch them. [beat] Boner! I'm hilarious!
  • Later, Jonathan visits Clark and tells him that Martha was wrong, and that you shouldn't be a complete doormat:
    Jonathan: No, you... You're something this old world's never seen before. And you're going to change it. Just by being there. So change it for the better.
    Linkara: Clark would go on to endorse a toothpaste phone app that told you when to brush.
• Over the next few days, Clark learns that his attempts at fighting the bullies caused them to escalate their tactics, such as graffitiing buses and attacking Clark's other friends:
  Captions: His mind races. It's just like Pa said. Don't go showing off. Liable to get somebody hurt. Liable to get somebody killed. There's got to be another way. A better way...
  Linkara: Bacon-eating contest!
• After saving Lana from a trap set by the bullies, Clark flies her back to her house, revealing his powers to another person for the first time; he also tells Lana that she should dig up the truth if she wants to find justice:
  Lana: Like a reporter would.
  Linkara: Or a really obsessed blogger with a bunch of unhinged conspiracy theories, but who can say?
• Clark and Lana meet up in the school library the next day:
  Lana: Boning up there, Mr. Kent?
  Captions: Damn if Lana doesn't just have a way of saying things...
  Linkara: See? Me saying "boner" several times in this episode isn't just me being endlessly humorous, but also prophetic.
  • They begin to grow closer as a couple and, after getting a kiss goodnight from Lana, Clark heads to a place where several kids were bullied:
    Captions: ...And for a minute, he pretends the spot is his own hiding place... ...his little Fortress of Solitude. ...And then he takes himself a pee...
    Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Likes to pee in bushes where he was bullied!
• Near the end of their senior year, Clark informs Lana of his plan to join the Navy; the two of them have sex before Clark leaves for basic training the next day:
  Linkara: And hey, once again, it all comes back around to boners.
  Lana: I guess you're off to storm the barricades now, soldier boy. Don't you go forgetting the small-town girl you left behind.
  Clark: I won't be gone forever, Lana... ...And how on Earth could I ever forget you?
  Linkara: Lana Lang is not seen again for the rest of this miniseries. I think he mentions her once or twice, but otherwise, she is gone from this story. [beat] As we'll see, that's apparently a recurring motif.
• Linkara briefly describes the imprint this story was published under, DC Black Label:
  Linkara: We'll talk about the Black Label another time, but more or less, "Here's where we put everything that used to be in Vertigo, and also any time we want to show Batman's penis." [beat] Again, more boners.
• In the beginning of the second issue, Clark proves to be an exceptional recruit, and is sent to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado in San Diego to train as a Navy SEAL, where he seems to have a particular affinity for the sea:
  Captions: And the sea. Her smell. Her taste.
  Linkara: Mmm, tastes like dehydration!
  Captions: She calls to him. She strengthens him. She begs for him.
  Linkara: [as the captions] She wants the money he owes her.
• One night, Clark spies mermaids frolicking in the water in the distance, which his superior corroborates:
  Superior: Watching the girls, boy? Can't say I blame you. They're worth the watching, they surely are.
  Linkara: [as the superior] Especially when they lure them out and rip them to shreds with razor-sharp teeth; now, that's entertainment!
  Superior: This world's full of wonders, son.
  Linkara: [as the superior] For example, digital watches; I don't see it getting any better than that.
  • The superior warns Clark that several men have been attracted to the mermaids and swam out to meet them... and have never been seen since:
    Superior: ...But you never heard nothing about no mermaids... not from me, now, did you, boy? Now did you, boy?
    Clark: Sir, no, sir! Nothing about no mermaids, sir!
    Linkara: [as the superior] Good. [beat] Now, hippogriffs, on the other hand...
• After being forced to clean the latrines after inadvertently starting a bar brawl while on shore leave, Clark sneaks out to the water to get a closer look at the mermaids:
  Captions: The angels are calling to him. The sea nymphs are calling.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, it would turn out they were really sea monkeys.
  Captions: ...But their song... Why is it so sad...?
  Linkara: That's because they're singing Ben Folds Five's "Brick", Clark; it's not a happy song.
  Captions: Adapt. You don't need the air. Let it out. Now breathe the water. It's easy. It's easy.
  Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
  Linkara: Yeah, idiots; it's easy to breathe underwater! Just do it! [angrily taps his head]
  • He eventually encounters one, who communicates with him telepathically:
    Captions: The angel's name is Lori... ...and she's teasing him...
    Linkara: [as the captions] Asking him why he brought his watch underwater with him. [beat] Also, she thinks his haircut is stupid.
    • Clark follows Lori to the undersea continent of Atlantis, which is currently dealing with an experimental surveillance submarine that crashed into its walls; as Clark helps out, the perspective shifts to one of the Atlanteans:
      Atlantean: [thinking] It was our darkest hour... ...all hope was lost... and LO! ...a beacon of LIGHT shone through! It was a SURFACE MAN... A SUPERMAN...
      Linkara: [as the Atlantean] Wait, no, that's what we'll call him! "Surface Man"!
      Atlantean: [thinking] Words... the hero's voice spoke to us... to our minds...
      Linkara: Okay, so we're adding telepathy to Superman's powers now?! Or is this just an ability unique to Surface Man?!
• Clark returns to base, and while sparring with another soldier, he knocks him down without hurting him as the captain barks about finishing moves:
  Captain: From this here position... ...you can pound his face to burger meat... ...or you can rip his throat out with your teeth!
  Linkara: [as the captain] Either way, lunch is up!
  Captain: What's it going to be, soldier?
  Clark: I think I'll ask him how his mom is doing, sir!
  Linkara: ...Okay, I know that's supposed to be Clark being wholesome and friendly, but you can also read that as him saying "I banged his mom."
• Following a mission aboard a hijacked cargo ship where he refused to kill any of the pirates, Clark is honorably discharged and meets up with his superior before rejoining Lori:
  Superior: You practically ate that hand grenade back there, soldier... and that baby was no dud. That I seen... and plenty else. You got gifts... gifts like nothing anybody's ever seen. Gifts. Talents. Hone those talents! Learn those skills!
  Linkara: Clark went on to become a professional game streamer on Twitch.
• After Lori tells him that he needs to speak with her father Poseidon for permission to have sex with her, Clark puts on his Superman outfit for the first time and battles a sentry stationed outside Atlantis, using his telepathy to convert it to his side:
  Captions: So he focuses his mind... ...and gives a gentle psychic push... ...and the sentry pivots... ...and opens wide the gate... ...and beckons its new master in.
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Has more psychic powers than Mewtwo!
  • Clark then makes his way to the throne room:
    Captions: And how the sea maidens chitter and chat, their voices like chimes... ...It's music, all music. It's all music...
    Linkara: [singing] I like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden, in the shade.
    • Clark approaches Poseidon and kneels before him:
      Lori: He shows you respect, Father.
      Poseidon: He respects nothing. He squats like a frog.
      Linkara: So... What? Was he supposed to curtsy, then?
• Clark thinks about Poseidon's challenge, musing about what would happen if he managed to wrest the throne of Atlantis from him:
  Clark: [thinking] Wouldn't that be a hoot!... ...I can just see it. "Clark Kent, King of the Seven Seas"... ...that's got one heck of a ring to it!
  Linkara: Yeah, wouldn't that be stupid and ridiculous?! [uncomfortable pause] WOULDN'T THAT BE STUPID AND RIDICU—?!
• After attempting to kill Clark with his mightiest warriors as well as a mother and child Kraken to no avail, Poseidon accepts defeat and swims away to reflect and plan his revenge:
  Captions: He will reclaim his throne. He will reclaim his princess bride.
  Count Rugen: I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
• The third and final issue opens with Lois Lane in a miniature sub exploring the ocean as an Atlantean torpedo strikes the area near her:
  Captions: Targeting systems lock. Torpedo strike. Volcanic gas explodes. Planet Earth farts.
  Linkara: Stay classy, Frank.
  • Unfortunately for Lois, the sub begins to take damage:
    Captions: Another explosion. The ocean's demons laugh. A child smacks his bathtub toy. ...And then the little beast throws his toys away.
    Kirk: Spock. Comment?
    Spock: Very bad poetry, Captain.
• As the Atlanteans prepare to finish the job, Clark intervenes, destroying the Atlanteans' submarine and delivering Lois to shore... all while Frank Miller's bad habit of incessantly repeating dialogue returns in full force:
  Captions: She's as good as dead. She's as good as dead. She's as good as dead.
  Linkara: This story is as good as dead, good as dead!
  • Clark performs CPR on Lois, saving her life:
    Clark: You're going to be fine. You're safe with me.
    Captions: "You're safe with me." It sounds so simple when he says it. So simple... and so utterly true. Like she'd always be safe in his arms. Right. Provided this space cadet doesn't get distracted by a butterfly or something and drop her.
    Linkara: She should be concerned about that; he might spot some butterfly woman that he decides to go romance and then forget about later.
• After dealing with a squad of soldiers who attempted to ambush him, Clark returns to Lois to find her in shock from both the water and the cold temperatures:
  Captions: Got to move quickly... ...But... ...Take a second... ...Just a second... ...Get a look at her papers...
  Linkara: [as Clark] Oh, my God, she's dying! I better rifle through her purse!
• Clark enrolls in college at Kansas State University and gets his journalism degree, and is now all set to move to Metropolis for his new job at the Daily Planet:
  Captions: He looks around, but nobody's asking for help. Not in Metropolis. Everybody knows exactly where they're going. Exactly why they're here. Nobody's talking too much. Nobody's wasting time. Not in Metropolis.
  Linkara: Have we had it wrong all this time, and the repeating is just him writing lyrics for a musical? [singing] Nobody's wasting time, not in Metropolis!
  Captions: The fashions here... The styles... It's like another planet!
  Linkara: Oh, my God! It's... a hoodie! And a hat! What new spore of madness is this?!
  Captions: Fashions. Styles. From all around the world. A million disguises to be had. One's bound to stick. Only bad guys wear masks.
  Linkara: Clark Kent helped keep the pandemic going.
• Clark, preparing to be Superman for the first time, sorts through the noise of Metropolis to find what crimes he needs to prioritize:
  Captions: Start where it starts. Crime starts on the streets. So what do crooks want? They want money. Where do they find it? Banks.
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
  Captions: Never mind the third-rate muggers and street swindlers. Go for the banks.
  Linkara: [as Superman] Rob all the banks so the criminals can't! A— Wait...
  • After foiling a bank robbery and rounding up some drug dealers, Superman turns his attention to an abusive husband:
    Captions: Across town. Utter madness.
    Linkara: Oh yeah, because a lot of the other stuff that's happened so far has been perfectly sane and rational!
    Captions: An all-too-common sort of madness.
    Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
    Cyber-Leader: It is.
    Abusive Husband: Reading that garbage again, are ya? You know I hate it when you read, woman!
    Linkara: The dark sequel to Batman: A Word to the Wise that nobody was asking for.
    • Before the husband can lay a hand on his wife, Superman stops him cold, breaking his wrist in the process:
      Abusive Husband: Ghad. You bastard. Right in my own home.
      Linkara: [as the abusive husband] It'd be okay if you broke my wrist out on the streets, but here?!
• Sure enough, footage is captured of Superman, and his exploits are the top story on all the major networks:
  Anchorwoman: This story's going to knock your snot out, folks...
  Linkara: A phrase nobody has ever said before, especially not on the news. [beat] This is going to be like that "Naked News" thing from years ago and be a totally real thing and the only thing you comment on for this video that's already well over an hour long, isn't it?
• At the Planet, Lois, Jimmy Olsen, and another reporter named Winters prepare to report on a hostage crisis at Luthor's Palace:
  Lois: So where's Kent, anyway?
  Olsen: Says he hadda go to the bathroom, Ms. Lane.
  Lois: Useless.
  Linkara: [as Lois] Needing to pee? What a useless guy!
  • Clark, overhearing this, does not take it well:
    Captions: "Useless." She scarcely whispers the word... ...But it sticks in him like a hot poker. It always does. Each and every time she says it. "Useless." It's like he's nothing. It's like he's worthless. One of these days he'll show her just how worthless he is. He'll show them all.
    Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Incredibly petty!
• The hostage-takers threaten to drop a baby to her death unless they get safe passage and a billion dollars in diamonds, but Superman easily her:
  Captions: ...He snaps up this scared, scared little Dorothy... ...like he was carrying her straight off to Oz.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, he dropped her off in Return to Oz, and she's scarred for life.
  • Superman then returns to the hostage-takers to finish the job:
    Hostage-Taker 1: We are so dead.
    Hostage-Taker 2: No! He's just a man!
    Linkara: [as Superman] That's right! I AM A MAN! [punches; finds a miniature Pollo in his hands] Oh, hey; little Pollo figurines. I'm going to sell these at conventions.
    Captions: Just a man, yes. A man of steel!
    Linkara: And of very compressed pectorals, based on this image.
• While the hostages escape, Lex Luthor makes his way to Superman:
  Luthor: [thinking] Everything is in order. Everything is in order. Beautiful. Surely he will understand. Surely Superman will realize... that truth and justice... ...will only be found in a time of peace... ...a time of order.
  Linkara: [as Luthor] Surely he will realize that my narration captions are the best ones.
  Luthor: [thinking] Surely this godlike champion... ...will smile into the bright light of reason... ...and recognize his superior... ...and kneel down before Luthor in grateful obedience.
  Linkara: No, Lex, he won't. [beat] And the "S" doesn't stand for "surely".
  • As Luthor walks onto the roof, Superman yells at him that he won't take orders from him, seemingly reading his thoughts:
    Luthor: My mind just works a little faster than yours. You'll do what you're told.
    Linkara: Yeah, but will it move faster than his fist to your face?
• Because it seems like an obligation at this point, Frank Miller introduces Batman in the final third of the issue as he stops a gang of pirates from hijacking an arms shipment in Gotham... while waving a gun at them:
  Batman: Keep moving, pirates, or you're all dead.
  Linkara: [as Batman, holding a gun] I know you're the ones keeping DC comics from arriving in Gotham City! Carol Fein warned me about you! HOW MUCH IS ONE-FACE PAYING YOU?!
  • Batman leads the pirates onto a boat to be picked up by the feds back onshore:
    Batman: [thinking] It's all so wonderfully quiet, so perfectly Gotham... ...The constant bleating of my city... The car alarms crying... ...The police sirens rising, then falling off, so far away... ...The lapping waves... ...The pirates' muffled curses... ...All of it music to my ears.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Specifically, it's a Starland Vocal Band song; weird.
    • Batman escapes by swimming to a motorized engine he stored underwater:
      Batman: [thinking] Slapped this little darling together in my workshop. She converts sea water straight into electrical power... ...giving me an ocean of fuel. The concept could have applications. That's if I ever cared to share it.
      Linkara: [as Batman, singing] Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Bat-Dick!
• Luthor holds a press conference declaring that all costumed vigilantes will now be agents of the state, Superman included, and his first order of business will be to send him after Batman; Superman tries to object, but Luthor keeps interrupting him:
  Captions: They cheer. This is only getting worse.
  Linkara: [as Superman] I suppose I could very loudly and noticeably take the microphone from him and admonish him over this, but I'm not going to because I'm suddenly an idiot.
• The Joker meets with Luthor to plan a distraction for Superman and Batman, and uses his phone while Luthor contacts his drug manufacturers:
  Captions: Alone with his thoughts. His thoughts. The thoughts he has. That's a little too disturbing ...even for him.
  Linkara: [as the Joker, thinking as he scrolls on his phone] I think now's the right time for a Scrubs reunion movie.
  Captions: But that's okay. That's what phones are for. So you don't have to ever be alone with your thoughts.
  Linkara: Is Frank Miller having an "Old Man Yells at Clouds" moment with that?
  • Suddenly, Batman captures the Joker and blows up a drug farm, while quoting lines from The Dark Knight Strikes Again for some reason:
    Batman: [thinking] Striking terror. Best part of the job.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Well, that and making out with random women who show up on motorcycles; that's pretty cool.
• After learning his plans were foiled by Batman, Luthor decides to force Superman and Batman into a direct fight:
  Luthor: Lure their competing visions of justice into blessed conflict... ...and reap the whirlwind. They'll destroy each other. Genius. It's too small a word.
  Linkara: [as Luthor] All I have to do is use an African warlord to lure Superman out to the desert, have mercenaries kill the warlord's forces and frame Superman for it, have Superman grow paranoid of Batman's activites, have Congress investigate it, then blow up Congress when Superman goes in to answer for it, make Batman be paranoid about Superman's powers, and have him steal a hunk of kryptonite, and kidnap Superman's mom and threaten to kill her if he doesn't go and kill Batman! [beat] And then make Doomsday as a backup plan or something. [beat] "Genius" is too small a word.
• As Superman and Batman's fight devolves into childish bickering, a hand suddenly reaches out and grab's Superman's arm:
  Voice: NO! No more. You're both making fools of yourselves.
  Linkara: Oh hey, I'm in the comic.
  • Actually, it's Wonder Woman, and Linkara is, to put it charitably, not a fan of John Romita Jr.'s rendition of her in this series:
    Linkara: No, it's Wonder Wom— OH, MY GOD!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER BODY PROPORTIONS?! WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER NECK?! WHY ARE HER LEGS IN THAT POSE COMPARED TO HER TORSO?! WHY ARE HER ARMS SO LONG?! WHAT IS SHE EVEN DOING HERE?! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN HER!!
    Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
    • As for how Wonder Woman enters the story, she literally comes in out of nowhere and orders the two to stop fighting:
      Wonder Woman: But this ends now. Now is our moment. No more squabbles. No more fights. We join forces.
      Linkara: [as Superman] Good point. [beat] Also, who are you?
      Wonder Woman: From this very moment to the exact instant that each one of us dies... ...we serve one purpose... ...one idea... ...one cause... ...justice.
      Linkara: And together, we can be justice! [cringes] Oh, my God, and with the crappy writing... I can totally believe she actually would say that in this.
      Captions: And with those words... ...an era begins...
      Linkara: [as the captions] An era of continuity mistakes if this really takes place in the same universe as ASBAR, because Wonder Woman was the one who wanted to murder Batman in that.
• The trio confront Luthor in his office, where he reveals that an android named Brainiac is in possession of the Bottle City of Kandor; Superman leaves to intercept him, but not before giving Wonder Woman a kiss on the forehead:
  Wonder Woman: [thinking] You boy. You sweet little Adonis. Go become a man. Then you come back for me.
  Linkara: Sorry, Wondy, but given the track record of every other love interest in this book...
• The story ends on one last bit of narration:
  Captions: He leaves Planet Earth and all it holds. His accidental home...
  Linkara: Eh, not really accidental in this because it was chosen for him by Jor-El.
  Captions: ...his chosen people, his sacred trust... ...and still he climbs... ...and still he climbs...
  Linkara: [as the captions] ...And then he remembers that he can't actually breathe in space even if he can breathe underwater. [beat] Whoops.
  Captions: His tribe cries out to him. The genocidal Brainiac lies in wait. Comes his destiny. And, without pause, without fear... ...he flies straight and swift and sure to meet that destiny.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, destiny had to cancel their reservation due to a family emergency.
  Captions: This sole survivor... ...this orphan... ...this wild child... ...this angry adolescent...
  Linkara: He's in his twenties! Shut up!
  Captions: ...this intrepid reporter... ...this streaking savior...
  Linkara: I know he just means the color streak behind him, but in a Frank Miller comic, that could also mean him naked.
  Captions: ...this space-spanning seeker of truth. This man. This Superman. The NEVER-ENDING BATTLE BEGINS!
  Linkara: And ends, because... that's the end of the comic! [beat] That's it! He goes off to fight Brainiac... and nothing! The story just... stops! I don't know if the plan was to have more issues and, for some reason, they needed to cut it short, but the story just ends there! Hell, it's barely a story! It's like a few barely-connected instances of Clark Kent's early life!
  Crow T. Robot: We hope you've enjoyed No-Moral Theater, ladies and gentlemen!

701: PATREON: Ken Penders' The Lost Ones #1

• As Linkara prepares to give a rundown of the Ken Penders drama for viewers who might be unfamiliar...
  Inigo Montoya: Let me explain. [beat] No, there is too much; let me sum up.
• Linkara reads the red text at the top of the issue's cover:
  Cover: They're out there... hidden among us!
  Linkara: Among Us is such a great game that they were promoting it even this far back.
  Cover: You're about to discover... The Ken Penders' Lost Ones.
  Linkara: Yeah, I know the name isn't in there like that, but that's what happens when you shove your name in the middle of the logo.
• Linkara then looks over the introductory blurb for the series:
  Blurb: Welcome to the future...
  Linkara: [as the blurb] There's a complimentary fruit basket waiting for you in the future's hotel room.
  Blurb: ...where every home is jacked into the internet with hi-speed transmission, and widescreen is the accepted format for every form of digital video media.
  Linkara: [suddenly in a 4:3 aspect ratio] Pfft! Like that's ever going to happe— [buffering]
  Blurb: ...where a flight from New York to Tokyo is just under four hours, and Boston to Los Angeles is a daily commute.
  Linkara: Okay, the former is still not a thing, but the latter...? Eh, I could see some people doing that. I wouldn't recommend it, but hey, I'm not, like, a rich businessman with a private jet or whatever.
  Blurb: ...where the beaches along the Great Lakes are far more valuable waterfront property than the ocean fronts of either coastline, by virtue of the abundance of fresh water versus the lack thereof.
  Linkara: I mean, I've been telling all my friends to move to Minnesota for years now, so this is starting to look like our old future.
  Blurb: ...where there are only two kinds of people — those that matter — and everyone else!
  Linkara: And that's really the attitude of people who would have a commute from Boston to Los Angeles.
  Blurb: Or, to put it another way, there's THE LOST ONES — and then there's you!
  Linkara: So... I matter?! YES! I made the cut!
  • The next page features more setup:
    Captions: Where do you come from? Where are you going?
    Linkara: The lesser-known questions asked in Babylon 5.
    Captions: These are questions we all ask of ourselves at one time or another. While some can trace their family lineage back hundreds of years, there are those who literally haven't a clue who their parents are.
    Linkara: [as the captions] That's when we call in Jerry Springer.
    Captions: Then there are those born to wealth and privelege...
    Linkara: And those born to spelling errors.
    Captions: ...their lives predetermined, while the majority struggle merely to survive another day. For a select few, born without an awareness of where they came from, but with an ability to reshape a world, they now find themselves at the most important crossroads of their lives.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Should they try to sell their world-changing product via infomercial?
    Captions: This is their story...
    Linkara: [as the captions] ...all about how their lives got flipped, turned upside-down.
• The first page of the story proper features yet more blocks of exposition from the narrator, FBI Agent Julian Sikorski:
  Sikorski: [narrating] Some people think the past is whatever just took place, the present is what's happening, and the future only something to look forward to, very rarely if ever linking cause and effect. I was like that myself.
  Linkara: [as Sikorski] Then, I met the Ghosts of Christmas.
  • Sikorski flashes back to July 31, 1945, where the Potsdam Conference was held to discuss the fate of post-war Germany... and where President Truman authorized the use of the atomic bomb on Japan:
    Sikorski: [narrating] And with that signed order, Truman had determined the future for everyone, at a cost beyond anyone's wildest imagination...
    Linkara: What do you mean, this individual sheet of paper costs $20?!
    • We then cut to Monday, in the comic's version of the near-future:
      Sikorski: [narrating] I actually thought it began with a phone call on a routine Monday...
      Sikorski: Sikorski! Just finishing some reports! WHAAAAT?!!
      Linkara: [as Sikorski] "Is my refrigerator running?" The hell kind of question is that?!
• Sikorski and his partner Tocata drive to Reagan International Airport, along with a full detachment of police, to arrest a particular Japanese-American woman; Sikorski questions the amount of firepower the police are carrying just to arrest a single woman:
  Tocata: Who cares? Probably some techno-terrorist with classified information!
  Linkara: [as Tocata] My God! She cracked the YouTube algorithm! We have to stop her!
  Sikorski: [narrating] Unknown to me at the time, at that exact same moment, there were others north of the American-Canadian border after the same objective...
  Tom Servo: Canada calls to ask, "What are you guys doing up there?"
  • We then cut to a Men in Black-styled agent codenamed "Number Seven" also looking for the woman, relaying his progress to an outside party:
    Radio: Is there another way she could exit without noticing?
    Seven: Highly doubtful, sir! This is a hi-tech facility with state-of-the-art security!
    Linkara: [as Seven] I mean, they made her take off her shoes and everything!
• The next page formally introduces us to the target in question, Keri Kurosawa, AKA "Particle":
  Captions: Where indeed do you begin a hunt for one of the most unusual human beings ever to walk the planet?
  Linkara: [shrugs] I don't know, Twitter?
  Captions: A being whose abilities not only make her unique among her own kind, but also one of the most dangerous and elusive to capture! For she wields the power to control the electron, whether it operates the nervous system of an organic being or the functionality of the most advanced microchip!
  Linkara: [as the captions] Although, mostly, she uses it to skip lines in coffee shops.
  • According to the narration, Keri just wants to live life like everyone else:
    Keri: [thinking] The "dogs" are already out for me— —but this is one "fox" who won't easily be caught!
    Linkara: Yeah, just look at those two neat little smartwatches she's got on her; she'll be fine.
• Another flashback takes us back to 1945, as the flight crew of the Enola Gay is being briefed on the properties of the atomic bomb before flying out to Hiroshima:
  Air Force Presenter: It is the most destructive weapon ever produced! We think it will knock out everything within a three-mile radius!
  Linkara: [as the presenter] Though, for the love of God, can you please stop daring each other to kick it?!
  Air Force Presenter: Now, if someone will please dim the lights...
  Air Force Projectionist: Sorry, sir. The film is getting chewed up in the sprockets!
  Linkara: [as the presenter] Well, we were going to show you a comedy movie before you slaughtered thousands of people, just to lighten the mood a bit, but Gary over there keeps getting butterfingers!
• Back in the "present", Keri drives out to the border:
  Keri: [thinking] My birth certificate may state I'm an American— —but driving a car with Canadian plates is still going to arouse some questions!
  Linkara: [as Keri] Like "Where are my poutines and Tidbits?" Or "Why can I still go to Toys R Us?"
  Keri: [thinking] Fortunately, I have an edge!
  Border Officer: Please state your citizenship!
  Keri: American.
  Linkara: [as the border officer] Wow, American?! Go on through!
• At FBI Headquarters, Sikorski and Tocata are debriefed about failing to locate Particle; Tocata is dismissed, but Sikorski is asked to stay:
  Sikorski: [narrating] Something weird was going on, and I could tell from Tocata's expression he felt the same thing...
  Linkara: [as Sikorski] I was then recruited to be the FBI's new mascot character, "Feddy the Federal Agent".
  • Actually, Sikorski is being reassigned to Buffalo, New York, for unknown reasons:
    Superior: Apparently, a higher authority believes something in Buffalo, New York, is of sufficient importance to warrant sending an agent!
    Linkara: Turns out her boss was just really confused about New York-style pizza.
    Sikorski: [narrating] As I walked out of that room, I couldn't help but wonder about the other poor souls in history who were given orders of dubious merit from their government—
    Linkara: We then cut back to 1945 and the flight crew for the Enola Gay. Oh, yeah, getting vague orders from your superiors is totally comparable to the guys who dropped an atomic bomb on people, Sikorski! Truly kindred spirits, here!
• The morning of the bombing run, the base chaplain offers a prayer to Col. Paul Tibbets before the crew fly out, but Tibbets says God won't give His blessing for what's about to happen, and that he'll worry about his conscience later:
  Chaplain: Colonel, do you know why God created the Devil?
  Linkara: Because God hates Spider-Man's marriage, too.
  Chaplain: Because the Almighty knew He needed someone to do the dirty work in order to protect His children!
  Linkara: I must've missed that part of Ecclesiastes...
• Sikorski arrives at the FBI Buffalo Field Office, where the Special Agent in Charge informs him that Buffalo is usually where Headquarters sends its most unwanted agents:
  Sikorski: Really? Seems rather nice around here! Didn't their football team just win a Super Bowl?
  Special Agent in Charge: Their third in a row! The quarterback has a gun for an arm!
  Linkara: I'd actually watch football if the players shot each other with cyborg gun arms.
• Later, Sikorski drives to Particle's house, wondering why the government is so interested in her arrest:
  Sikorski: "I was directed to arrest her, on charges that in plain English were nebulous at best..."
  Linkara: [reading a document] She "did a bad thing" that was "very bad" and also "might have been against the law"; also, "her face is dumb, and she won't tell us where she bought her jacket".
  • Sikorski works out that if the government wants her this badly, others would be after her, too:
    Sikorski: "And if so, what secrets would I find possibly unlocked in here?"
    Linkara: [as Sikorski] My God! She knows the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices!
    • Sikorski is then attacked by a cyborg, but Particle saves Sikorski by overloading the cyborg's circuits, the feedback powerful enough to reach the main villain, Dr. Ian Droid, last seen in Sonic Super Special #7:
      Droid: It's fortunate I broke the link with Thirteen before the feedback hit maximum surge— —otherwise the console wouldn't be the only piece of equipment with fried circuits!
      Linkara: [as Droid] In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have plugged twenty different power cables into the same outlet...
• With the danger over, Sikorski introduces himself to Keri:
  Sikorski: Julian Sikorski — FBI!
  Linkara: [as Sikorski] I heard you already met Agents Mulder and Scully?
  • Sikorski asks why Keri is wanted by the government, and where her "Particle" codename came from:
    Keri: You're a government agent, and you don't know?
    Sikorski: Contrary to popular belief, not all of us are in on the conspiracy!
    Mike Nelson: [singing] I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works!
• After Keri explains her backstory, Sikorski lets her go:
  Sikorski: You better get going! I have to call in the medics for our friend here!
  Linkara: [as Sikorski] Not for the injuries, mind you; I can just tell that he has food poisoning.
  • Before she leaves, Keri points out the other cyborg upstairs and tells Sikorski that she has never killed anyone, not even in self-defense:
    Sikorski: [narrating] I should've handed in my resignation right then and there.
    Linkara: [as Sikorski] Although, no one else would've seen it, because I'm the only one in the house.
    Sikorski: [narrating] My assignment was to take Keri Kurosawa into custody— —and I let her go just like that! How could I justify my actions?
    Linkara: Well, you could... lie, I guess. Say you heard a noise, went in to investigate, and managed to knock out the two yourself, or found them knocked out already. And then you could keep investigating what this is all about? Just a thought, I guess.
    Sikorski: [narrating] There were too many questions and not enough answers!
    Linkara: [as Sikorski] For example, if we're in the future, why haven't Arby's Potato Cakes been restored yet? Where's the outrage?!
    • The story ends with Sikorski realizing he never asked Keri about any leads on her family, or about the people after her:
      Sikorski: [narrating] Maybe someday, I'd find out. Someday, but not today.
      Linkara: I wouldn't put any bets on tomorrow, either, dude, since this never got a second issue.

702: PATREON: Star Wars Infinities: A New Hope #1-4

• The series begins with a recap of the film up until the attack on the Death Star:
  Linkara: And yet, no opening crawl?! How is this even related to the main series episodes if this doesn't have that?!
  Captions: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... ...A war raged between oppressed and oppressor. Between rebel and empire.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Between different trilogy fans.
  Captions: A proud and noble tradition was passed into the charge of a new generation.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And now you get to see them botch it.
  • In the original film, Luke manages to guide his proton torpedoes into the Death Star's thermal exhaust port, causing it to explode and him to be celebrated as a hero of the Rebellion (along with Han and Chewie for their assistance):
    Captions: A future made, event by event, link by link, a living chain of action, reaction... and change. Alter one event, and a new future comes to be.
    Linkara: [as the captions] What if Chewie had received a medal during the ceremony?
• We then see history change, as Luke fires his torpedoes... only for the Death Star to remain intact:
  Linkara: Honestly, it's probably better that way. I mean, it's pretty unbelievable that some farm boy who's never even flown in one of these things before and never used the Force would be able to blow up this massive planet-destroying weapon on his own; that's some Mary Sue bullcrap right there, if you ask me.
  Wedge: Luke, check your tactical readouts!
  Luke: One... One of the torpedoes detonated short of the reactor. How—?
  Wedge: It happens, Luke. Power fields... Heat... Faulty chip...
  Linkara: [as Luke] I knew we shouldn't have downloaded that service patch before we launched!
  Wedge: Programming error.
  Linkara: [as Wedge] I saw Mon Mothma get drunk one time and try to run Doom on one of these torpedoes; this stuff happens in the Rebellion.
• Grand Moff Tarkin orders the recently damaged superlaser to fire on the Rebel base on Yavin IV, but while it manages to level the complex, most of the Rebel Command survive; Tarkin then demands that all power be diverted to the weapon:
  Tarkin: And release every reserve fighter to intercept any Rebel ships that may get off that moon. I want Lord Vader to lead the operation personally.
  Linkara: [as Tarkin] Where is Vader, anyway?
  Linkara: [as Vader, as the camera spins around rapidly] OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M GONNA THROW UP IN THIS THING! WHY DIDN'T I ANTICIPATE THIS IN THE DESIGN?! OH, GEEZ, THIS IS NOT PODRACING!
  • After Yavin IV is destroyed, Luke goes berserk at the thought of his dead allies (even though they managed to escape the blast) and shoots any TIE Fighters he can find, only stopping upon hearing Obi-Wan's voice:
    Obi-Wan's Voice: Don't give in to your anger! Save yourself. Your destiny lies elsewhere!
    Linkara: [as Luke] Yeah, well, maybe my destiny should've done a better job at not making sucky torpedoes!
    • As Luke, Han, and Chewie jump to lightspeed, Leia is brought aboard the Death Star along with the other Rebels to meet with Tarkin and Vader:
      Tarkin: Ah, Princess. Again we must extend our hospitality to you.
      Linkara: [as Tarkin] We're sorry for the open sewage line near your room last time; we've comped it and are upgrading you to our executive detention cell, which features a kitchenette and hot tub.
• In issue 2, Luke is let aboard the Millennium Falcon so Artoo can be repaired:
  Luke: Artoo spent a lot of time hooked into the Death Star computers. He might have something we can use.
  Linkara: [as Luke] Maybe we can blackmail the Death Star!
  • Luke thinks they should try to destroy the station again, but Han replies that they had one shot, and they blew it; Luke then retorts that they should try to fight for the sake of those who died:
    Han: And I don't want my name added to the list, okay? I'm retired from the hero business.
    Linkara: Eh, "retire", "let go because the store went out of business"; same thing, really.
    • The two come to blows, with Luke even drawing his lightsaber, but Obi-Wan's Force ghost appears to warn Luke against giving into his anger, which Han cannot see:
      Obi-Wan: Your training is incomplete. Now is when you are most vulnerable to its influence. Go to the Dagobah system. Find Yoda, the Jedi Master.
      Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Tell him I'm sorry I never called, but I was depressed, I refused to help some escaped Jedi, gave up the fight entirely and waited to die; I'm sure you could never relate to that in your own future, though, Luke.
• We then cut to Coruscant, as Vader delivers Leia to the Emperor:
  Imperial Officer: Welcome to Coruscant, Lord Vader. And to your... guest.
  Leia: Go to blazes!
  Vader: Your sense of protocol leaves something to be desired, Princess.
  Linkara: [as Vader] Just because we blew up your homeworld and crushed your efforts to stop our evil empire doesn't mean you can be rude. And honestly, using language like "blazes"? Why, if I knew your father, I'd bet he'd wash your mouth out with soap... or whatever the hell we call "soap"; probably "cleaning bricks" or something.
  Vader: With the Rebellion vanquished, the Emperor's mood is one of magnanimity.
  Leia: I can't imagine a more sickening display of hypocrisy. Though what the Empire has done to Coruscant comes close.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Hanging the flag and symbol on every building? Come on, Vader; even you have to admit that's pretty tacky!
  Leia: Such a vulgar display of oppression and corruption suits the Emperor well.
  Vader: I'm certain the Emperor will be interested to hear your views, Princess.
  Linkara: [as Vader] He's actually just instituted an open-door policy for anyone who has complaints and suggestions; it's been going very well.
  • Leia is then brought before Palpatine:
    Palpatine: Ah, Alderaan... A lovely world... in its day.
    Leia: Not so lovely that you didn't hesitate for a second to order its destruction and the murder of its people.
    Linkara: [as Palpatine] Okay, to be fair, that was Tarkin. My idea was to blow up, like... Jakku or something; no one ever wants to go back there.
    Palpatine: But then, my vision is not clouded by sentim nt. All is as I have foerseen it.
    Linkara: [as Leia] Even those weird typos you just made?
    Linkara: [as Palpatine] Especially the typos.
    • Palpatine then orders Leia to be taken to "obedience training", sensing her power in the Force; Vader senses a disturbance in the Force, but Palpatine isn't too worried:
      Palpatine: The greatest triumph is yet to come. ...A triumph as inevitable as destiny.
      Linkara: [as Palpatine] Yes, this is definitely how things were supposed to go; I can't imagine this story going any other way than how it did.
• Meanwhile, the Falcon arrives at Dagobah; after landing, Luke, Han, Chewie, and a repaired Artoo begin their search for Yoda:
  Han: How do you expect to find a Jedi Master in this mess? Are we looking for the special Jedi Master swamp?
  Linkara: [as Luke] Well, Ben did tell me about Jedi Master Shrek, who also lived in a swamp...
  Luke: Don't ask me how I know, but I know we'll find him — or he'll find us.
  Han: Why would I doubt someone who talks to thin air?
  Linkara: [as Luke] Dammit, Han, why do we always fight on vacations?!
  • Suddenly, Yoda appears in front of them:
    Yoda: Looking for someone, are you? Lost you appear to be?
    Luke: We're not lost.
    Han: We're not?
    Luke: Look, little fella, we're a little busy—
    Linkara: [as Yoda] Help you, I can! But only if you have breadsticks and pen lights.
    Yoda: A strange tribe of creatures you are. Is this your chief?
    Linkara: [as Artwo] Yes! I, R2-D2, am the one in charge; I'm also the most handsome.
    Yoda: Come! Help you find your way I will!
    Luke: Look, we don't—
    Han: —know where we are. He does.
    Linkara: Oh, I know where you are: up crap creek without a paddle!
• Yoda brings the group into his hut for food, but Luke grows impatient:
  Luke: We're wasting our time here! He doesn't know anything!
  Han: He's playing you, pal. Don't you get it, Luke? This guy's Yoda!
  Luke: What? I— [bonks his head on the ceiling] <urgh> How can you know—
  Han: Takes a con man to know one.
  Linkara: [as Han] Also, because I swiped his wallet when he wasn't looking.
  Obi-Wan's Voice: Calm yourself, Luke. Listen carefully to Yoda.
  Luke: Ben! Ben, tell him I—
  Linkara: [as Han] Oh yeah, kid, I'm pretty sure Yoda laced the soup or something, 'cause I'm hearing voices now, too.
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Tricked Dagobah's Congress to legalize it, I did!
  • Yoda explains to Luke that he has already taken steps on the path to the dark side, and if he doesn't complete his training, he will become a "servant of evil":
    Yoda: Train you I will. Train you I must.
    Luke: I won't fail you.
    Yoda: On this the future depends.
    Linkara: [as Yoda] In retrospect, aided other Jedi who escaped Order 66 I could have, to avoid you being our only hope. [beat] Kind of an idiot, I am.
• Back on Coruscant, Vader visits Leia's apartment to give her Obi-Wan's lightsaber:
  Vader: Can you feel it? Not like some cold blaster, but a living thing. An extension of the spirit. A servant of the will.
  Mike Nelson: Sure it's phallic; why wouldn't it be?
  • Leia activates the saber and attacks Vader, who encourages her to give in to her rage; after she fails to do any damage, Vader Force pulls the lightsaber away from her:
    Vader: You felt it, didn't you? Like a hidden voice, breathing strength into your spirit...
    Linkara: [as Leia] Actually, it was more like a creepy mouth-breather, to be honest...
    Vader: You have no idea what you can yet become, Leia. The door opens.
    Linkara: [as Vader] And to quote a great Jedi, "The door's open! Let's go!"
• As Luke begins his training, Han and Chewie perform maintenance on the Falcon over two months; Han offers Luke a chance to join him, and Luke does consider whether he can do more good off-planet, but Yoda and Obi-Wan's ghost discourage him:
  Obi-Wan: You are at the same crossroad that Vader reached. Choose as he did, and his fate will be yours.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Vader, too, preferred to hang out with his smuggler best buddy and run around with him instead of training. Plus, he had an apprentice I've never mentioned before; I wonder what she's up to these days?
• Returning to Coruscant, Vader visits Leia again, along with Threepio:
  Threepio: Good afternoon, Lord Vader! May I just say that—
  Vader: Leave us.
  Linkara: [as Threepio] You're not my maker! You can't say that!
  Linkara: [as Vader] But you're wrong, Threepio; I am your maker.
  Linkara: [as Threepio] Oh dear! That's... That's not true! That's impossible!
  Linkara: [as Vader] Search your circuits; you know it to be true.
  Linkara: [as Threepio] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
  Vader: Now is the time that an empire formed in the crucible of battle must forge a future in which war is but a fading memory.
  Linkara: Who exactly are you at war with if the Rebellion is gone?
  Vader: The Emperor is dying, Leia.
  Linkara: [as Vader] And fortunately, he doesn't have, like, a secret granddaughter or a crapton of clones that his soul jumps into or something.
• The third issue jumps five years later as Han and Chewie are in a bar watching a news report detailing the anniversary of the Rebellion's defeat; they learn that the Emperor has allowed the formation of a new Imperial Senate, and, to their shock, the representative for Coruscant is... Princess Leia:
  Leia: As you all know, I once led an ill-conceived, violent insurrection against the Empire, a rebellion that cost the lives of many beings.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Especially the lives of Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor, who stole the Death Star plans.
  Linkara: [as an offscreen listener] What about Kyle Katarn?
  Linkara: [as Leia] Who?
  Leia: The war is over, but its wounds are still fresh. Now, the Empire's commitment must be to healing as greatly as it was to restoring order. The restoring of the Senate is the ultimate expression of the Empire's desire to bind the wounds of war.
  Linkara: [as Leia] Plus, we've still got that big-ass Senate chamber with the floating discs, and we really don't know what else to do with it; we were storing old arcade cabinets there.
• On Dagobah, Luke nears the end of his Jedi training, with Yoda commending him on learning patience and quieting the anger in his spirit:
  Luke: But I am troubled, Master. The visions have returned. Stronger than before.
  Linkara: [as Luke] What is this... "Detours" that I dream of?
  Linkara: [as Yoda] The domain of evil, it is.
  • For his final test, Yoda sends Luke into the Cave of Evil once again, this time with Luke heeding his advice and handing over his lightsaber:
    Yoda: ...A lightsaber is not your only weapon. Leave them all behind. On this everything depends...
    Linkara: Turns out this whole thing has been a long con, and Yoda wants him to die in the cave so he can finally join the Sith.
    • As Luke finally manages to dispel the vision of Vader nonviolently, Han barges in:
      Han: Excuse me, sir... ...but have you seen a punk kid by the name of Skywalker?
      Linkara: [as Luke] Oh no! Han is my true enemy according to the cave! Where's my lightsaber?!
• Later that evening, Han informs Luke that Leia is alive and under the thrall of the Empire; Luke immediately suggests going to Coruscant to rescue her:
  Han: Look, I'm as concerned about Leia as the next guy...
  Linkara: [as Han] Those two hours I spent with her five years ago really meant a lot to me.
  Han: ...but waltzing into the Imperial throneworld seems like a really bad idea.
  Linkara: [as Han] And I once tried to pretend that a rock was a thermal detonator, so I know bad ideas!
  • Yoda then reveals to Luke that Vader is his father; he admits that he kept this information from him because the truth would have increased his impatience and anger, and there is still anger within him:
    Yoda: Fear was your father's path to the dark side. Unconquered, your anger to the same destiny will take you.
    Linkara: [as Luke] Well, at least I'll get a cool helmet out of it.
    Yoda: All depends on you, Luke. You are the last of the Jedi Knights, the only hope to overcome the tyranny of the Empire... ...and the evil of the Sith.
    Linkara: Given what's going to happen later in the comic, that is a massive lie, Yoda!
    • Yoda then divulges that Leia is his sister, Obi-Wan's ghost appearing to explain that they kept it secret from him to avoid the Empire ever finding out. However, they also suspect that Palpatine knew all along about Leia's connection to Vader; since Vader is incapable of succeeding him, he would accept either Vader's son or daughter as potential heirs:
      Luke: I... I don't know what to do, Ben.
      Obi-Wan: Let the Force speak to you, Luke. It will provide you with a path.
      Linkara: [as Luke, "reaching out to the Force"] The Force keeps telling me... I need to recruit... Bea Arthur from a bar on Tatooine?
• Luke and Yoda reunite with Han, who offers to take Luke to Coruscant, against his better judgment; however, Yoda declares that he'll tag along with them:
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Bingo night it is at the Mos Eisley Community Center, and another commitment my ride has.
• We cut back to Coruscant, where we learn that the Death Star has been rechristened the "Justice Star":
  Linkara: Which is, like, one step from calling it the "Peace Moon" like in Darths & Droids.
  • After Leia and Threepio leave Vader, Palpatine arrives and talks to him, saying he's pleased with how powerful she's becoming:
    Palpatine: You, however, seem conflicted, apprentice.
    Vader: I sense... a disturbance in the Force, my master.
    Palpatine: What you sense is the destiny I have put in motion. The extinguishing of the Jedi flame.
    Linkara: I don't know, man; "disturbance" in the big energy field surrounding everything is usually not code for "everything's going to plan".
• The final issue begins with the Falcon dropping out of hyperspace upon reaching Coruscant... right in the middle of a massive Imperial fleet; understandably, Han doesn't have much confidence:
  Han: Look, I know the Force is with you guys, but... are you sure the Force is really with you?
  Linkara: [as Luke] Eh, the Force is kind of playing it by ear, seeing which way the wind blows.
  • After the Falcon lands aboard the Justice Star, Yoda and Artoo brazenly walk out to meet the squad of stormtroopers waiting for them:
    Yoda: Pleased I am to see you. For meeting us, I thank you. Expects us does Admiral Tarkin.
    Stormtrooper: Expects them does Admiral Tarkin.
    Yoda: Important business we have.
    Stormtrooper: Important business they have.
    Linkara: You think Vader ever does this? Like, he gets bored and just makes the stormtroopers do goofy things and repeat what he's saying in silly voices?
    • Thanks to Yoda, Han, Chewie, and Luke are in the clear:
      Han: Boy, I could get used to this Force stuff! Say, I know a nice casino on Nar Shaddaa...
      Linkara: Cheating in gambling: this is how the Force works!
• As the others land on Coruscant, Yoda arrives at Tarkin's quarters:
  Tarkin: How dare you enter my quarters without— —<urgh>...
  Yoda: A long time it has been. Much younger were we in the days of the Republic, hm? Important you have become. Sufficient payment for your soul, I would hope.
  Tarkin: hrnn.
  Linkara: [as Tarkin] I would attempt to justify myself, Master Yoda... but it seems my slippers are a bit tight...!
  Yoda: A tour of your vessel I desire. A demonstration of its power I would see.
  Linkara: [as Tarkin] You... didn't have to do this, you know... There's an official tourism section next to the gift shop!
• After fighting off members of the Emperor's Royal Guard, Han and Luke find Threepio and follow him to Leia... where she waits for them alongside Vader and Palpatine:
  Palpatine: Greetings, young Skywalker. I have waited a long time to meet you. How fitting that you came before us as a Jedi.
  Linkara: [as Palpatine] I was kind of expecting to fight a moisture farmer; this works a lot better.
  Palpatine: Destiny has brought you to this moment, Jedi. A destiny I have crafted over many years.
  Linkara: [as Palpatine] Yes, it was totally my plan to have Vader's kids show up even though I didn't know they were even alive. Look at me; master strategist here! I'm a magnificent bastard, and you read my book!
• While Luke and Leia duel, Yoda uses the Justice Star's superlaser to take out the Imperial fleet:
  Yoda: A most impressive toy, Admiral. Intended for this use it was not, hmm?
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Wars not make one great, BUT FUN SURE AS HELL THEY ARE!!
• Luke and Leia's duel ends with Luke managing to break through to Leia; together, the two Skywalkers face down the Emperor:
  Luke: Leia is a Skywalker... Like our father... Like the noble line of Jedi stretching over a thousand generations.
  Linkara: [as Luke] Jedi like... [uncomfortable pause] uh... [another uncomfortable pause] Wow, I just realized that in five years, Yoda never actually told me about any of the other Jedi.
• Palpatine inflicts Force lightning on the two, but Vader gets in the way, allowing them to escape; naturally, he is quickly overpowered by the Emperor:
  Palpatine: You fool... Did you really think this would change anything?
  Yoda: [over the screen] Life is change... Your Excellency.
  Linkara: [as Yoda] For instance, change to your brown pants you should.
  Palpatine: Yoda! Well, you've had a busy day. Don't think your little mission will deter me or this empire. Your pitiful powers are nothing compared to the dark side.
  Yoda: [over the screen] Save your fleet the dark side did not.
  Linkara: [as Palpatine] Yeah, well... Like, I-I'll just have a secret Sith army building a fleet of Death Stars on Exegol! [beat] Yeah, beat that.
  • And then there's Linkara's reaction to what comes next:
    Palpatine: By now, the Death Star's weapon systems have been disabled by my troops. It's only a matter of time before you and your young charges are in my custody. Why delay the inevitable? Come down here and face me, Jedi!
    Yoda: [over the screen] Coming to see you I am. Now.
    Linkara: And, yep! As our heroes escape on the Millennium Falcon... YODA BRINGS THE DEATH STAR CRASHING DOWN INTO CORUSCANT, RIGHT ON TOP OF THE EMPEROR!!! [grins, then inhales sharply and claps his hands together] WELP... HERE WE GO!!
    Linkara: Yeah, size matters not, according to Yoda, unless he wants to drop the Death Star right on Palpatine's face!
    Linkara: [as Yoda] Remember how Senate discs you threw at me? This time, something bigger have I to throw.
    Linkara: Hey Vader, remember when you said not to be impressed by the Death Star compared to the Force? Think you may need to make some re-evaluations.
    Linkara: Well, I guess it did live up to the name "Justice Star", given Palpatine's own body count.
    Linkara: Not sure I like the Jedi version of billiards...
    Linkara: Sooo, everyone on Coruscant is dead, right? Even if it didn't explode right after the collision (which it did), the gravitational forces would've ripped Coruscant to shreds when it's that close, right?
    Linkara: Hey Yoda, what was that about the Jedi never using their abilities to attack?
    Linkara: This wasn't even Yoda's original plan; he just got drunk on Tarkin's whiskey and had to improvise!
    Linkara: I kinda just want it to start rolling around the planet; just, like, add insult to injury.
    Linkara: Gotta imagine this was in the Death Star plans; in the event of the weapon being disabled, just set a collision course and watch the fun.
    Linkara: So, did Yoda explain to Luke and Han this plan? Like, did he directly tell them, "Take over the Death Star myself I will, and then play 'bowling at Palpatine'!"?
    Linkara: You think this ever happened in the last five years? Like, the guy driving the Death Star got distracted and accidentally slammed it right into Naboo?
    Linkara: The weird thing is that the insurance actually covers this.
    Linkara: Welp, I see we have our explanation for why, in The Force Awakens, Coruscant isn't the capital world anymore!
    Linkara: And finally...
    Linkara: Hey-hey, I think this is how To Boldly Flee ended, too! Haha... [beat] Oh, my God, that was ten years ago... [the music cuts out as Linkara stares in horror]
    • Han has only this to say when staring back at the carnage:
      Han: Man, that's some light show...
      Wakka: Boom! Hahaha! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?
      Luke: The Force will be with you, Master... always.
      Linkara: ALTHOUGH, APPARENTLY, NOT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DOWN THERE!
• A few years later, as Leia becomes the Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic on Naboo, Threepio bemoans that Artoo can't be here to witness this event... until Artoo shows up in a new body, with Han explaining that his memories were copied onto the Falcon's computer before going with Yoda:
  Linkara: Betting that a lot of people that day wish they had that option...
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Have I ever told you the Tragedy of Darth Sidious the Squished?

703: PATREON: Transformers: Deviations #1

• Linkara brings up why The Transformers: The Movie is so infamous among Transformers fans — to make way for a new line of toys, a number of fan-favorite characters were mercilessly and brutally killed off... including Optimus Prime, traumatizing legions of children across the globe:
  Linkara: BUT DON'T THINK THAT HURTING ROBOTS CAN'T AFFECT YOU WELL INTO ADULTHOOD! [holds up a figure of Johnny 5] I'VE BEEN 3D-PRINTING THIS JOHNNY 5 TOY, AND I KEEP HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN SHORT CIRCUIT 2! WHY DIDN'T LOS LOCOS COME AND HELP HIM, DAMMIT?! WHY WON'T SOMEONE HELP HIM?! [grabs the camera and shakes it] SOMEONE ANSWER ME! ANS— [cuts to a "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties" card, then returns to Linkara using a sonic screwdriver on robot parts] Must keep building robots... Must help Johnny 5... I— [snaps out of it] Uh, w-what I mean to say is that, uh, yeah, we joke about it nowadays, but killing off Optimus Prime was a big fricking deal.
• The issue begins with a recap of the events of the film, featuring panels from the comic adaptation created for the film's 20th anniversary:
  Blurb: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...
  Title Card: But here's what really happened.
  Blurb: In the future of 2005, Megatron's Decepticons launch an all-out attack on Autobot City on Earth...
  Linkara: Oh yeah, I remember that; ended up delaying the release of Revenge of the Sith by a few days.
  Blurb: Hot Rod's distraction creates the opportunity for Megatron... who kills Optimus Prime.
  Narrator: This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
  Blurb: But Megatron himself is left for dead in space, where he meets the planet-eater called Unicron.
  Linkara: [as the blurb] It turned out to be a very fun meet-cute.
  Blurb: As Unicron moves on Cybertron, Hot Rod uses the Autobot Matrix of Leadership...
  Linkara: And... nothing, I guess; I suppose if you weren't familiar with the story, then you're just supposed to infer something good happened. Then again, why would you be picking this up if you weren't already familiar with this story?
  Blurb: Today, we will explore a world where things happened differently. In a world... where Optimus Prime never died!
  Title Card: That's how it could have happened. But how about this?
• The story proper starts during the attack on Autobot City at the beginning of the film, as Optimus runs down a horde of Decepticons:
  Captions: There's a theory of quantum realities, a concept of infinite possibility where anything that can happen, does happen somewhere in the multiverse.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Like, what if yarn was pudding?
  Captions: A single decision can change the fate of the universe. A simple turn to the left can avert catastrophe while a right turn can trigger an apocalypse.
  Linkara: Hey, I know what you're alluding to, but Doctor Who's 60th anniversary is next year; we'll save the references for that.
  Captions: In this world, in this moment, a tragedy of galactic proportions is about to unfurl.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Instead of "The Touch" playing, it's the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself".
  • Eventually, Optimus makes his way to Megatron:
    Optimus: One shall stand, one shall fall.
    Linkara: I mean... they actually both ended up falling; just saying.
    Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
    Optimus: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
    Linkara: The more badass way of saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
• In the original film, Optimus manages to beat Megatron, causing the villain to beg for mercy as he tries to reach a gun in the rubble; thanks to Hot Rod's interruption, Megatron grabs him as a shield, allowing him to inflict Optimus' infamous mortal wound. This time, however, Kup grabs Hot Rod, allowing Megatron to reach the gun and shoot at Optimus... but he misses, and Optimus wastes no time blasting his arch-nemesis' head off:
  Captions: And with that, this quantum reality spirals in a new, unforeseen direction.
  Linkara: Yeah, especially since Megatron can't see anything anymore.
  Optimus: 'Til all are one...
  Linkara: [as Optimus] Or until all the Decepticons get their heads shot off; either way, really.
  Linkara: This is a weird way of incorporating Headmasters into this book...
  • With Megatron's demise, the tide of the battle turns in favor of the Autobots, forcing the Decepticons to retreat, but not before Starscream grabs Megatron's fusion cannon:
    Starscream: Astrotrain! Prepare to launch once all are aboard!
    Soundwave: WHERE'S MEGATRON?
    Starscream: Megatron has fallen.
    Linkara: [as Starscream] And, well, you know how this song goes!
    Starscream: [showing the fusion cannon] I suppose this is all the proof I need? In the meantime... I nominate myself as the new leader of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.
    Linkara: ...And apparently, no such challenge happens as Astrotrain takes off. I'm not sure why it'd make a difference. Starscream admitted Optimus killed him and he nominated himself as leader in the movie, too; it just happened a little later. Is everyone just really tired and doesn't feel like doing it, whereas they were a bit more rested in the movie? And I sincerely doubt that's the case, because, of course, my man Soundwave doesn't get tired.
    Soundwave: SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR.
• In the meantime, the Autobots gather their dead and begin to clean up Autobot City:
  Optimus: We've earned a brief respite from the turmoil. Yet, this victory means little in the scope of the unfathomable loss before us. The price for peace has become too high. The time has come to end the Cybertronian Wars once and for all.
  Linkara: [as Optimus] As such, we surrender.
  • Hot Rod and Ultra Magnus begin to argue about the battle, but Optimus breaks it up:
    Optimus: Take a good look at your fallen brothers. They made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could one day reclaim Cybertron. Chirping at each other like malfunctioning scrap droids is no way to honor their memory.
    Linkara: [as Optimus] Let's get them repainted and redecoed under new names for re-release... as Primus dictates.
    • Hot Rod offers a few parting words for his fallen comrades:
      Hot Rod: They've found an eternal resting place within the Matrix of Leadership. Their heroism will echo through space and time... 'Til all are one.
      Linkara: ...And Kup hits him over that remark.
      Kup: It's not wise to speak of the Matrix in blasphemous tones.
      Linkara: The hell was so blasphemous about what he said? Or did he say it really sarcastically, and it's like, "Oooh, their heroism will echo through space and time~! Look at the cool Matrix of Leadership~!"?
• We cut to Cybertron as Starscream goes through with the coronation ceremony... which is interrupted by Unicron's arrival:
  Soundwave: AS OUR NEW LEADER YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE FOR CYBERTRON ON ALL MATTERS EXTRATERRESTRIAL.
  Starscream: But—
  Soundwave: THE RULES ARE EXPLICIT.
  Linkara: I am 99% certain Soundwave made that up to just force him to do it; Megatron would've just done it because he's the "hands-on" type for these sort of situations.
  Starscream: Uncharismatic bore... Transforms into a cassette player. What's his value anyway?
  Linkara: [gives an extremely angry face while holding a Soundwave toy]
  Soundwave: ALL TALK, NO SHOCK.
  • Starscream meets with Unicron, who tells him to serve or die:
    Unicron: You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing... the only thing... that can stand in my way.
    Linkara: [as Unicron] It's a good thing I'm telling you this, Starscream; you seem to be someone loyal and trustworthy enough to have this information.
    • Starscream agrees, and asks Unicron to grant him one request in return:
      Starscream: Unicron, your power appears limitless. To defeat Optimus Prime and his forces, I need to be reformatted into a stronger Decepticon.
      Linkara: Making a lot of assumptions there, Starscream; all you know about him so far is that he's really big and voiced by Orson Welles. [beat] Or could Orson Welles always do that, and that's where the assumption comes from?
• Back aboard the shuttle to Moonbase-Two, Hot Rod and Daniel have a converasation, with Hot Rod feeling sad because he wanted to help Optimus, but feels like every decision he's made is the wrong one; Daniel tries to comfort Hot Rod by proclaiming he's his best friend:
  Hot Rod: Thanks, Daniel — that means a lot to me. May I ask you a question?
  Linkara: [as Hot Rod] Do you ever feel... you know, not so fresh?
  Hot Rod: Humans often have images flood into their heads at random times, correct?
  Linkara: [as Daniel] Yeah, but Dad tells me to ignore the ones that say I should put magnets on you guys.
  Hot Rod: I keep having daydreams of Optimus dying. Whenever I get close to him, the images get stronger. Like the Matrix is trying to tell me something.
  Linkara: [as Hot Rod] Like it's trying to contrive the actual movie into this what-if tale for no good reason, when the entire idea is to explore how things would go if it hadn't happened.
  • Magnus then comes over to chew out Hot Rod for no good reason:
    Magnus: Maybe the Matrix is trying to point out traitors in our midst?
    Linkara: Ultra M-Asshole.
    Hot Rod: "Traitor"? How dare you accuse me—
    Magnus: Sitting around fantasizing about the death of our leader is mutinous!
    Linkara: [as Magnus] Time for me to police thoughtcrimes; I'm glad the Autobots are the good guys.
• Suddenly, the shuttles are attacked by an upgraded Starscream:
  Megascream: I, Megascream, will shred every Autobot until your stain is wiped clean from the universe!
  Linkara: So if Leonard Nimoy had voiced Galvatron in the original movie, who voices Megascream here? George Takei?
  • As Megascream prepares to fire on Optimus' shuttle, Soundwave informs him that Unicron is devouring one of Cybertron's moons:
    Megascream: No! Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!
    Linkara: [as Megascream] I was going to eat that!
• As the Decepticons head back to base, Optimus discovers that Moonbase-One has been destroyed:
  Kup: Reminds me of the battle on Betamax-Nine when the Veechezez used the dirty tactic of detonating a moon to cover their escape.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Huh, I suddenly feel irrationally angry for no reason...
  • Thanks to Hot Rod's stunt during the attack, Magnus' shuttle has been pushed into the next quadrant, which contains nothing of interest except magnetic storms and the trash planet Junkion:
    Grimlock: Me Grimlock say we find our friends and then bash Decepticons into their turbo chargers.
    Optimus: For once, I can't argue with your logic.
    Linkara: [as Optimus] Perhaps you should be leader of the Autobots, Grimlock; you seem to have good ideas.
    • Their own shuttle's navigation system has taken some hits during the battle, however, so they decide to touch down on a nearby planetoid for repairs:
      Optimus: There's something... familiar about that place.
      Linkara: [as Optimus] Oh, Primus; I think that's the place where I took that vacation, and might have married, like, two different people in the same weekend...
      Optimus: What a strange world. I've seen many planets in my travels, but nothing so twisted and foreboding.
      Linkara: Yes, nothing says "twisted and foreboding" quite like... green rocks and orange water. [beat] Optimus, maybe you haven't seen quite as much as you think you have?
• As it turns out, the planet Optimus' team has landed on is the one in the movie where the Quintessons and the Sharkticons were found; as in the movie, as the Sharkticons approach, Kup tries to communicate with them using the universal greeting:
  Kup: Bah-weep-Graaaagnah-wheep-ni-ni-bong.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, in their language, that means, "Eat me; I'm a GoBot."
• Back on Cybertron, Megascream demands Unicron explain why he's attacking them, since this wasn't part of the deal:
  Unicron: I have grown tired of your whining. For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet of Cybertron. But now... you shall witness its dismemberment!
  Linkara: Wow, Starscream; you managed to piss him off so much that he's not even bothering to torture you into obeying, and then sending you back out to get the Matrix like he did Galvatron. What the hell were you telling him when he was giving you a new body? [beat] Wait... Were you complaining about Soundwave? Is Unicron as big a Soundwave fan as I am?
• We then cut back to Hot Rod and Daniel after their shuttle is destroyed, along with everyone else on it; Hot Rod is naturally despondent about his role in his fellow Autobots' deaths, but Daniel reminds him of what he said earlier about their heroism echoing within the Matrix:
  Daniel: Then their sacrifice means something. I don't know why yet, but there's a reason Ultra Magnus wanted you to survive.
  Linkara: Ehh, it was less Hot Rod that he wanted to survive and more you, Daniel. Though, at this rate, I wouldn't put your chances for living through the rest of this much higher.
  • They soon spot the other shuttle approaching:
    Hot Rod: Optimus.
    Daniel: They've come to rescue us!
    Hot Rod: Yeah...
    Enrico Marini: Yeah.
    Hot Rod: ...Somehow, I don't feel like I deserve to leave this graveyard of garbage.
    Linkara: [as Hot Rod] At least, not until the "Weird Al" song starts playing. "Hardware Store", maybe?
    • The Autobots reunite, but Hot Rod still feels guilty about his compatriots' deaths:
      Optimus: The ways of the Matrix are mysterious. I mourn the loss of my friends, but this war needs to end, and we cannot fall victim to sorrow, no matter how natural it comes to us.
      Linkara: [as Optimus] Gotta be honest, as soon as this is over, we're going to just start blubbering like a baby over Ironhide and the others; today kinda sucks.
• Optimus goes alone to Cybertron to confront Unicron, only to be met by Megascream, who combines with the other Decepticons into a larger form:
  Linkara: It really does say something that every time Starscream gets some source of major power, he grows bigger, like he eternally needs to compensate for his tiny null ray.
  • Fortunately, Hot Rod appears in the nick of time to get Optimus to safety, sacrificing himself by unleashing the power of the Matrix on Megascream, the other Decepticons, and Unicron; Optimus honors his deeds in a speech:
    Optimus: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian Wars as we march forth to a new age of peace and prosperity. And let us never forget the tremendous sacrifice of Hot Rod and the wisdom within the Matrix.
    Linkara: [as Optimus] Screw Ultra Magnus, though; he was kind of a dick.
    Optimus: Remember our comrades and honor them in the years to come as our darkest hour has become a sliver of history.
    Linkara: [as Optimus] It's a good thing there won't be anything waiting for us in the years to come, like Headmasters, or a hate plague, or Starscream's ghost, or the Quintessons, or the guy who created Unicron unleashing anything else on us. [beat] Just a sliver of history.
    • Optimus looks up to see visions of Alpha Trion and Rodimus Prime:
      Linkara: Oh hey, they became Force ghosts, too, just like in the last comic.
• The issue ends with some final bits of narration:
  Captions: In the realm of quantum realities, any number of deviations can occur. A single decision can change the fate of the universe.
  Linkara: I mean... things were largely unchanged, frankly; sure, who died and who lived is different, but Unicron still got blowed up and the Decepticons are scattered to the wind just like in the original movie.
  Captions: Heroes die, enemies are born, faith expands, old hatreds last forever... ...and the ultimate reward of eternal peace is bestowed upon those willing to stand against the forces of darkness.
  Linkara: Pretty sure all the Autobots were doing that, but a bunch of them just died.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Starscream: In the meantime... I nominate myself as the new leader of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.
  Sixshot: I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!

704: PATREON: Legion of Super-Heroes Vol. 4 #0 and Legionnaires #0

• Legion of Super-Heroes #0 begins with three siblings — Garth, Mekt, and Ayla Ranzz — flying through space on a joyride:
  Garth: Awright! Pour it on, bro'! Yah-hoo!
  Mekt: Taught that comet a thing or two about speed, didn't we?
  Linkara: [as Mekt] Pretty sure that comet gave us the finger as we passed it, too...
  Mekt: Nothing like cutting loose and being free.
  Linkara: [as Mekt] Free to show those stupid comets who's really the fastest! I have sensible life goals!
  • This is actually part of a memory dream for Garth reminding him of how he got his lightning powers three years ago, and he wakes in his bed with a start:
    Garth: [thinking] Oh, man... Three years, and still it keeps knocking at my dreams.
    Linkara: [as Garth] At least this time, we all had clothes on...
• Meanwhile, some reporters try to interview Rokk Krinn, champion of the Magnoball Cosmic Games, in a spaceport:
  Reporter: The Internet has nicknamed you "Cosmic Boy"!
  Linkara: [as the reporter] Which I am now being told is the 30th century equivalent of being called a "woke SJW cuck soy boy", as well as several slurs.
  • One reporter asks Rokk about a supposed debt he has, and another asks for a demonstration of his Braalian magnetic powers... so Rokk complies by lifting the reporter into the air by his belt:
    Linkara: And now the debt includes money from the resulting lawsuit!
    • Rokk looks at his shuttle's itinerary and notices that one of its stops is the moon Titan, which is surprising considering Braal and Titan's rocky relationship; he chalks it up to the new United Planets group having a positive effect on galactic unity:
      Linkara: Whereas I see it as, "Yeah, it's the cheapest route, and I'm sure they'll only shoot off a few bits of the ship as we head down."
• On Titan, a girl named Imra Ardeen, an interrogator for a law enforcement agency, uses her telepathy to investigate a few suspects regarding the theft of some jewels; Imra lets them go... but finds out the owner of the jewels planned to sell them on the black market to a known criminal, and has her arrested:
  Linkara: Ah, telepathy, the "'Right to privacy'? Pah!" superpower.
  • Imra gets congratulated on a job well done, and is told that she's earned the right to join the agency in the future, known as the "Science Police":
    Linkara: It's always been a weird title to me; it just makes me envision cops throwing test tubes at people. [aside] The SWAT team uses flasks, instead.
• Back on the shuttle, Rokk and Garth meet each other for the first time, where Garth explains that he's heading to Earth to find his missing brother; the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of R.J. Brande, the richest man in the galaxy:
  Brande: No, no! No special treatment for this old man! Today, I'm just a passenger!
  Linkara: Richest man in the cosmos, and he still has to fly coach.
  Rokk: The whole United Planets project depends on him! They say he's the only man alive who knows the secret of Stargate technology!
  Linkara: Eh, it's not that complicated: Naquadah, seven symbols with the last being the departure point, Dial Home Device, having Richard Dean Anderson around... Also, the secret's going to turn out to be garlic powder. Also also, he's the only one? Well, screw all the engineers and people who build them, I guess. Also also also, he's that important, why is he on a commercial flight, and not on some privately-owned secure transport to keep him safe?
  Garth: Without Brande, we'd still be bankrupting entire worlds for warpspeed fuel— —instead of jumping light-years at the shift of a relay!
  Linkara: [as Garth] It's a good thing we both know who it is, or else it'd be weird that we're giving exposition to each other!
• After the shuttle arrives in Metropolis, Imra spots a group of suspicious maintenance workers, who are revealed to be assassins out to eliminate Brande; before the would-be killers can fire their weapons, Rokk uses his magnetism to lift the guns out of their hands, and Garth zaps them with lightning:
  Rokk: [thinking] Well, what do you know? Red here is a real live wire!
  Linkara: Well, Rokk here is a real cosmic boy, a— Wait...
  Imra: Hey! Hey! Don't let me interrupt all those good thoughts... ...but do you suppose you boys could ditch the mutual strokefest long enough to actually catch the bad guys?
  Linkara: [as Imra] Thinking your friend is cool? [scoffs] Stop jerking each other off, boys! This is the 90's; we're supposed to all be assholes to one another!
  • After the attempt on his life is foiled, and impressed with what the three teenagers could do, Brande meets with the President of Earth and says he has a proposal for her:
    President: Splendid! I always wondered when you'd finally sell your secrets! With Earthgov privy to Stargate tech, we can open—
    Brande: Oh-ho! Nice try, Madame— but the Stargates are this old man's only hole card.
    Linkara: [as Brande] Tell the Goa'uld I won't let them have Stargate technology until they free the Jaffa.
    • Actually, his idea is an organization that can promote galactic unity, shared tech, common alliance, and so on:
      President: Tell me more. Earthgov always listens to R.J. Brande. Even his wildest ideas are fun to hear.
      Linkara: [as Brande] Well, I was thinking we could glue live squirrels to the sides of our heads.
• During Brande's first meeting with Garth, Imra, and Rokk, he turns on a hologram of Superman:
  Rokk: Even the Braalians heave heard of the legendary Man of Steel!
  Linkara: [as Rokk] Did you know he was King of Atlantis for a while? And also that Atlantis was in the Pacific Ocean?
  Linkara: And then a hologram of Batman.
  Imra: Another twentieth-century champion.
  Linkara: [as Imra] He died after trying to blow up a VHS tape factory; never made it to the 21st century to see DVDs eventually supplant them. Real shame.
  • After more holograms of heroes are turned on, Rokk comments that it's nice that someone remembers their legacy, and they don't have people like them anymore:
    Brande: Precisely. So what can we do about that?
    Linkara: [as Brande] I've bought the rights to them, and I'm going to start printing them in a new reboot.
    Linkara: [as Rokk] Isn't it a thousand years in the future? Haven't they fallen into the public domain?
    Linkara: [as Brande] Ha! You're funny; you think corporations were ever going to let that happen?
    • Brande then lays out his proposal for the three to officially form a team, with his resources and financial backing, working as superheroes and helping people:
      Brande: Join me. I don't know what'll happen. Maybe we'll all walk away from this in three months. Maybe it won't work out.
      Linkara: [as Brande] Maybe we'll get another reboot in ten years; who can say?
• Legionnaires #0 opens with a commercial for Garth, Imra, and Rokk — now going by "Live Wire", "Saturn Girl", and "Cosmic Boy", respectively — operating as the Legion:
  Narrator: Gathered together from all corners of the galaxy to personify the unity of our universe—
  Linkara: [as the narrator] Or, at least, the Caucasian parts of it...
  Narrator: —the Legion of Super-Heroes! Representing the brave and good of the citizens in our galaxy, the Legion stands ready to protect and serve all the worlds of the United Planets.
  Linkara: [as the narrator] And you can, too, by buying the official Legion of Super-Heroes merchandise!
  • Garth asks Brande why he wasn't given his planned name of "Lightning Lad":
    Brande: Marketing thought "Live Wire" was a fresher, more noticeable name, son...
    Linkara: [as Brande] They're also looking to get a Mountain Dew sponsorship for you.
• Meanwhile, the villain of the arc introduced in the previous issue, Lord Doyle, monologues to some terrorists he hired about how the very idea of the galaxy joining together is a terrible one:
  Doyle: First his damn Stargates. Now this "Legion" he's developing!
  Linkara: [as Doyle] Next, he'll be figuring out how to activate the eighth and ninth chevrons!
  [beat]
  Linkara: Okay, last Stargate joke, I promise.
  Doyle: Have all the preparations been made for the conference?
  Terrorist: Yes, sir. Everything's taken care of.
  Linkara: [as the terrorist] The hors d'oeuvres are being catered by Hardee's! There can be no peace after that!
  Doyle: In one shot, the hope of a unified galaxy, Brande, and his three little pets will be destroyed.
  Linkara: He's after his cats?!
  Doyle: Now, go! Make sure all of our guests stay for the festivities.
  Linkara: [as Doyle] I'm just going to sit here and stare at my Phantasm orb.
• At the conference, Brande introduces the Legion, complete with their new uniforms:
  President: [whispering] Brande, those uniforms...
  Brande: [whispering] —look much better than the first set. I agree, Madame President.
  Linkara: [as Brande] I admit, I wish that they still said "Made by R.J. Brande" on the back, but still; can't argue with fashion.
  • The heroes successfully stop a bomb from destroying the United Planets building, and Saturn Girl manages to identify two of the terrorists:
    Saturn Girl: —There! Those two are responsible for locking the doors!
    Linkara: [as Saturn Girl] And they were going to be in here when the bomb goes off, so they were idiots.
• The Legion gives chase, passing by a neon sign advertising a three-breasted alien from Eroticon 6:
  Linkara: It's also a bar and grill, which I imagine is the real selling point for customers.
  • They apprehend one of the terrorists, but Saturn Girl loses track of the other one:
    Saturn Girl: We'll have to search each building.
    Linkara: Yeah, it's not like there are... dozens of buildings all around you; great plan, Saturn Girl!
    Gen. Patton: Magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• The next day, following the terrorists' capture, the Legion of Super-Heroes, now with Apparition and Triad added to their roster, gets full approval by the United Planets, but Brande still feels regret for what happened:
  Brande: Damn... She was a great assistant.
  Linkara: [as Brande] But for some reason, they wouldn't let us name her "Secretary Girl".
  • The President says the Legion is already popular, but their standing will increase even more after their first mission:
    President: We need them to do something more galactic. Something the media can play with.
    Linkara: [as the President] You know, something that'll really get the media to misinterpret what's happening!
    • Brande is furious at this, and storms out of the President's office saying he won't let her use the Legion as a P.R. tool, and they're neither strong nor ready enough for any real missions; unbeknownst to Brande, the President actually agrees with his sentiments:
      President: Javan, get me in touch with the Science Police...
      Linkara: [as the President] It's time to finally arrest the evil clone of Bill Nye.
      President: But first, take a memo...
      Linkara: [as the President] "R.J. Brande, do you like me?" Then make two boxes with a "Y" over one and an "N" for the other.
• On Mars, Gim Allon, later identified as "Leviathan", is congratulated by his fellow officers in the Science Police for an arrest he recently made:
  Officer: Guy's wall-crawlin' 40 meters up the side of a building... when the big man here reaches up and taps him on the shoulder!
  Linkara: [as the officer] Dude said that he was from the "Marvel Universe", and that somehow, he teleported here? Yeah, that kook is gonna be in a cell for a looooong time.
  • Suddenly, Allon is handed a message:
    Officer: Whaddaya got there, pal? Your promotion?
    Allon: Huh! Something a lot more interesting, actually...
    Linkara: [as Allon] Somehow, Steve was able to get Android working on this iPad without needing to jailbreak it!
• Another message is delivered to the home of Lyle Norg, later known as "Invisible Kid":
  Female Officer: [whispering] This Norg fella must be doing awfully well for himself. Where does the money come from...?
  Norg: [suddenly appearing behind the officer] Oh, I did Earthgov a couple of favors...
  Linkara: [as Norg] I'm really good at deleting search history.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Female Officer: How dare you sneak up on me like that?
  Norg: Sorry. Old habit.
  Female Officer: <sigh> Is your dad home?
  Norg: Dad? You're looking for Lyle Norg, right? Well, baby... Look no further...!
  Linkara: [as Norg] He's that houseplant over there; he's a shapeshifter.

705: Mr. T and the T-Force #7

• Linkara looks over the issue's cover, which shows Mr. T being attacked by what appears to be child-sized ninjas:
  Linkara: Dammit, ninjas! Don't you realize how doing this is disrespecting your mothers? To give you a positive role model for this situation, the musical stylings of Mr. T... along with the Ninja Style Dancer.
  Ninja Style Dancer: [dances along to the hit Mr. T single "Treat Your Mother Right"]
• The issue opens at the World Diamond Exchange in Chicago as three thieves dressed like ninjas break in:
  Thief 1: We 'bout to grad-u-ate.
  Linkara: [as Thief 1] Weird how they're holding the graduation in this vault, but hey, at least they updated the gowns.
  Thief 3: Yeah, and we ain't even got no hall pass, my brutha.
  Linkara: Well, considering high school graduation is not necessarily held inside the school itself, nor during regular hours, a hall pass isn't even necessary, so I don't see why you need to brag about that.
  Thief 1: We major-league gangstas, man.
  Linkara: [as Thief 1] The only thing that could possibly stop us now is... some kind of 80's action icon, and what are the odds of that?
  • The thieves use explosives to bust open the vault, which is noticed by a security guard in the lobby:
    Guard 1: What was that?
    Linkara: The other does not acknowledge what is happening on his security monitor.
    Guard 2: Uh, I dunno... Earthquake?
    Linkara: [as Guard 2] Look, I've gotta be honest; for people who are rich on diamonds, they're only paying me minimum wage, and that is not enough to make me care about the thieves.
    • The thieves make their escape, but are spotted by the guards; one of the thieves is shot, forcing the others to leave him behind, and the police watch over him as he vomits due to the stress and sudden injury:
      Guard 1: What's with him?
      Linkara: [as Guard 1] Their thief clothes are tacky as hell... Ugh, I might throw up, myself.
      Guard 2: I dunno... Maybe he never shot a kid before.
      Linkara: [as Guard 2] Me, though? As the night security guard at the World Diamond Exchange, I've had to murder thousands of children every week.
• The next morning, Mr. T looks over the crime scene:
  Mr. T: Another baby brother goes down hard... brother that didn't know the way of the T-Force.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Well, my ally is the T-Force, and a powerful ally it is, suckah.
  • A kid named Lester then walks up to Mr. T:
    Lester: Yo, m' man, T. Wassup?
    Mr. T: I know that can't be you, Lester, callin' me "T." 'Cause I know you respect the man called "Mr. T." If this lost brother respected himself, he'd be seein' his momma to the bus, watchin' out for her... ...instead of coolin' at the city icebox.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] He's not dead; just really overheated.
    Mr. T: Speakin' a' cool, how come you ain't at school, Lester?
    Lester: Man, I cut out on that chump-dump.
    Linkara: Ooh, bad move, saying that to Mr. T; you might as well have admitted to telling a string of "Yo' Mama" jokes.
    Mr. T: Yeah? Well, if you're so smart, I better get you down on tape. That way the whole world can witness... ...your great genius.
    Linkara: [as Lester] "Do you wanna make more money?" Sure! We all do!
    Lester: Man, you talkin' raw, T. Got me a trade, now, my man. Takin' me to the top!
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Damn, I was actually hoping he'd talk about it; I want to sell it as a "get rich quick" tape.
• Later that night, Lester sneaks out of his apartment... and meets with the gang of diamond thieves from before:
  Bodyguard: Yer late.
  Lester: Yeah, but I'm good-lookin', I'm smart, and I smell good. Puts me three-up on you, chump.
  Linkara: [as Lester] Tardiness in our criminal enterprises is acceptable, as long as I have good hygiene and conventional attractiveness!
  • After Lester answers the boss's question about what he learned after last night with a snarky response, the boss's bodyguard angrily picks him up by the neck and slams him into a wall; Lester gets the point and is let down:
    Boss: Good. Now, gather 'round, kiddies. Tonight you get a lesson in back-to-basics.
    Linkara: [as the boss] Now, we'll be splitting you into different study groups; I expect a five-page essay on robbing a bank once you're back on Monday.
• The thieves infiltrate their next target, a bakery that supposedly has a heavy payroll:
  Thief: One day you gettin' paid in diamonds... Next day, some old, funky Kaiser roll!
  Linkara: It's going to turn out the leader was just hungry for some Dunkin' Donuts, but the place wasn't going to open for another few hours.
  • However, the thieves are caught by the owner, who brandishes a revolver at them:
    Owner: I know what you after... And now you gonna get it...
    Linkara: Man, Krispy Kreme takes its security seriously.
• We cut to Mr. T talking with the police about the string of robberies; the officers conclude, based on the size eight shoe prints they've found, that the thieves are kids:
  Mr. T: No kid is born to steal.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] That kinda skill, you've gotta earn if you wanna be a champion at it.
  Mr. T: Kids have gotta be taught to do wrong.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Stuffin' Jell-O into bathtub drains and drawin' with crayons on the walls? Somebody taught them that.
  Mr. T: And you can bet Mister Teacher-Man is coolin' his heels in some three-hundred-dollar size twelves.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Those kids should be gettin' $300 size eights for themselves!
  • They discuss that it's adults who are really responsible, since kids don't get jailed the same way as adults and the kids have nothing to gain by ratting the gang's leader out:
    Mr. T: Not this time, Teach. Mr. T is on the job and school is out.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Welcome to Mr. T's summer school. First lesson: pain.
    • Suddenly, the bakery owner runs at the group holding his gun and fires it, thankfully missing them; Mr. T angrily grabs the gun from the owner as he apologizes:
      Mr. T: Gotta write to my congressman 'bout them late-night Wyatt Earp re-runs.
      Linkara: [as Mr. T] Nobody can shoot straight on that show, and it's ruining everybody else's aim!
• Mr. T gives chase to the thieves, leaping from rooftop to rooftop (and thus another power is added to the count):
  Mr. T: Give it up, fools! The T-Force is on your case and in your face!
  B. A. Baracus: Then I'll take my fist, and then put my initials on your brain.
  Mr. T: [thinking] These boys have no fear of heights.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] And I also have no such fear. [beat] Just don't put me on no plane.
  Mr. T: [thinking] Let's see how brave they are when they gotta face the wrong that they've done. Weight of a conscience... ...break a strong man down.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] These kids are assholes, though, so they probably can't even lift twigs.
  • Unfortunately, one of the buildings' roofs caves in from Mr. T's weight, causing him to crash all the way to the basement, but he gets up none the worse for wear (which means yet another power added to the count):
    Janitor: Little late for that kinda noise, ain't it, son?
    Linkara: [as the janitor] Crashing through ceilings is more of a 4 PM thing.
    • Mr. T then discovers he grabbed one of the thieves' shoes as he fell:
      Mr. T: Little late for my "eye on the city," too. And late for somebody else I know.
      Linkara: [as Mr. T] Fortunately, I got this midnight snack out of it!
• The issue ends with Lester sneaking back into bed, rattling off excuses as the lights turn on thinking it's his mother... only for him to see Mr. T holding his shoe:
  Mr. T: I ain't your momma, boy... And you sure ain't Cinderella...
  Linkara: And yet, I would totally watch Mr. T's Cinderella.
  Mr. T: But I'm bettin' this fly sneaker fits your trespassin' foot... Don't it, Lester?!
  Linkara: OH, MY GOD! IT'S THE KID THAT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT IT WAS!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Editor's Note: NEXT ISSUE: The action-packed conclusion of Mr. T's battle against the inner-city crime school.
  Linkara: Oh, sure, Mr. T says he's a man of the people, but here he is trying to shut down schools! Tsk-tsk, trying to prevent kids from getting an education, dude; for shame.

706: The Ring, Vol. 3: Spiral

• As usual, Linkara is excited to get this year's "Ashock the Fourth Wall" underway:
  Linkara: It's Halloween time, my friends! The standing guard to prevent Christmas from seeping in even earlier! The time to cut loose and show off our love for the dark and the macabre! The time for spooky specials and people dressing up like ghouls to talk about horror comics while giving me the finger from across the room!
  Moarte: [holding up two middle fingers] I do that all year round anyway!
• The story begins with the protagonist, Mitsuo Andoh, preparing to commit suicide after failing to save his son from falling to his death, but is interrupted by a phone call; he tells the caller that he has received divorce papers from his wife:
  Andoh: [thinking] This won't bring my son back...
  Linkara: And yet, divorce usually has such a great track record for resurrecting the dead!
  Caller: I'll do whatever you want. I just want you to be yourself again.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, "himself" turns out to be someone who likes to go streaking in subway tunnels.
• Andoh ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the previous movie, who also happened to be his friend and rival; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Andoh notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
  Andoh: Another code game, huh, Ryuji?
  Linkara: "Oh no! Sadako's crawled out of the TV and is about to murder me! I better swallow this small scrap of paper with numbers on it that's a clue to a deeper mystery as if I was fricking Jigsaw!"
  • Afterwards, Andoh is met by police investigator Maekawa Keibuho, who asks him questions about what happened:
    Keibuho: Found any suspicious causes of death?
    Linkara: [as Andoh] Well, there's one thing we can be certain of: it wasn't an evil videotape ghost.
    • Andoh notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
      Keibuho: If you'd like, you can talk to Mai Takano directly. She first discovered the body.
      Linkara: [as Keibuho] As a pathologist, it's important for you to talk to a witness in my investigation, even though that's not your job.
      Keibuho: She's a student of Professor Takayama. A girl friend, so to speak.
      Linkara: [as Keibuho] A friend who is a girl, but not a girlfriend, so to speak. [beat] Also, I'm really happy about this, for some reason.
• Andoh soon meets with Mai, who tells him that Ryuji has mentioned him before in conversation:
  Mai: Professor Takayama spoke of you... about the code games you used to play in school... He said you were the only one who could solve his code.
  Linkara: [as Mai] He kept writing them down on scraps of paper and then eating them from a bowl like it was his cereal; it was weird.
  • Mai then recounts how she found his body:
    Mai: I received the phone call around half past nine, I believe. I check my watch often. I can pretty much guess the caller based on the time of the day.
    Linkara: [as Mai] Every person in my life calls me daily at near-specific times, for some reason.
    • Mai says she heard a scream, but according to what's written in the panel, it sounds more like he had an upset stomach:
      Linkara: Which is understandable, because he was trying to shove pieces of paper down his throat.
• Later, Andoh works on solving the number puzzle, and using a simple substitution cipher, he discovers that it says the word "RING":
  Andoh: Stupid.
  Linkara: Mmm, yeah, that describes the complexity of that puzzle. Are we sure Mitsuo was the only one who could figure this out, or was everyone else just annoyed at how simple the puzzles were?
• After talking with his colleague Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Andoh meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
  Mai: The night of the wake for Professor Takayama, there was a phone call. It was from someone named Asakawa. He said he was a friend of Professor Takayama from school.
  Linkara: [as Mai] And by "his wake", I mean "the exact same day it happened, unless the novel did it differently, but that would be weird, given the timeline of events". [beat] Also, I'd already met him.
  • As Linkara explains, this is the novel's version of Asakawa, Kazuyuki, who is just an old friend of Ryuji's:
    Mai: And, he spoke as if he was at his wit's end.
    Andoh: You sure Ryuji didn't leave you a message? Like about a video tape...
    Linkara: [as Andoh] Dear God, woman! Do you know what Blockbuster Video will do to me if that tape isn't in the drop box by tonight?! I LIKE HAVING MY KNEECAPS!
• The two are naturally confused about what this could refer to, though Mai knows that Asakawa was researching something with Ryuji:
  Mai: But, Doctor, what do you think? If the content of a video is extremely shocking... could a person die by watching it?
  Linkara: Eh, it certainly felt like I wanted to die after watching After Last Season.
  • Andoh wraps up the conversation, then asks to see Mai again later:
    Andoh: Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you more about Ryuji's death.
    Linkara: Appropriate date conversations: talking about how your teacher and mentor and possible boyfriend horribly and mysteriously died.
• Andoh meets with Miyashita about what he learned about the Ring virus; Miyashita reports that six bodies share the same cause of death as Ryuji, including Asakawa's wife and daughter, who were initially suspected to have died in a car crash:
  Andoh: What happened to the husband?
  Miyashita: In the hospital.
  Andoh: How badly injured?
  Miyashita: His body wasn't touched, but his mind's gone. Since the accident, he has totally lost it.
  Linkara: [as Miyashita] It's our convenient way of leaving him out of the story.
• Investigating on her own, Mai recovers the cursed videotape and watches it at her house; among the usual imagery, there is now a shot of some phantom faces:
  Linkara: Not sure what's up with that, unless Carl the llama is somehow involved with the Ring curse now.
  Carl: I'm sorry; I thought you liked faces. Obviously, there was a miscommunication.
• Later, Andoh is contacted by a reporter named Kenzo Yoshino, who tries to get Andoh to discuss the results of Ryuji's autopsy; when Andoh doesn't budge, Yoshino hands him a copy of a report Asakawa drafted about the string of deaths:
  Yoshino: I printed out what was saved on the floppy disk.
  Linkara: [as Andoh] What the...? You idiot! This is just his copy of Wolfenstein 3-D!
  • Actually, what was saved on the disk was titled "The Ring":
    Yoshino: The report contains a very interesting story, although absurd.
    Linkara: I love how this manga keeps actively telling us how goofy it is.
    Yoshino: I'd like to hear your opinion, from a scientific point of view, whether something like this could possibly happen.
    Dr. Linksano: Ah! As a scientist, allow me to save you the trouble! Ahem... NO!
    Yoshino: It's about a cursed video.
    Linkara: Oh yeah, I've seen that cursed video before. [plays this]
    Yoshino: If you watch it, you're supposed to die in a week.
    Linkara: [as Yoshino] But then, people are lazy and never get around to it.
    • Andoh points out that Asakawa is still alive despite having seen the tape; Yoshino confirms this, while also revealing that he has been rendered catatonic. Andoh asks Yoshino if he saw the video, to which he replies no:
      Yoshino: If I did, I would've been on the autopsy table by now.
      Linkara: [as Yoshino] But mostly so I could jump out and yell "Boo!" at you; I have a YouTube prank channel on the side.
• After looking over the report, Andoh decides to investigate Asakawa's apartment:
  Andoh: I need to investigate something. Do you mind if I borrow a spare key?
  Landlord: Alright. Please make sure to visit my office later.
  Linkara: [as the landlord] I want a complete list of all the stuff that's in there that I can steal and sell later.
  • Inside the apartment, Andoh flips through the channels on the television, soon landing on a very peculiar program:
    Announcer: Next is the weather, brought to you by the weather forecast girl.
    Linkara: As opposed to who?
    Weather Forecast Girl: Hello, where do you think I am right now? It's quite incredible. I'll soon die.
    Linkara: The Weather Channel in Japan is weird!
• Andoh brings the report to Miyashita, asking him to read it:
  Miyashita: What's this? Did you write this?
  Linkara: [as Andoh] Yeah, I've decided it's time to finally get out of this whole autopsy business and finally get to work on my screenplay.
  • Later, the two hang out at a bar; Miyashita says he read the report, and the times and dates match the reported facts:
    Miyashita: It's not like I totally believe it, but modern science cannot answer any of the fundamental questions anyway.
    Linkara: [as Miyashita] Like "Why haven't they made a Pokémon MMORPG yet?" You'd think the franchise would be perfect for that.
    Miyashita: How life began on Earth. Does evolution consist of a series of coincidences?
    Shaggy 2 Dope: Fuckin' magnets. How do they work?
    • Miyashita says he wants to see the tape, but knows that doing so will put his life at stake:
      Miyashita: One week is too short to solve a mystery.
      Linkara: Hmm, not if you're Blue's Clues.
• Unfortunately, Mai is found dead, her body stuffed into a ventilation shaft in the roof of her apartment; an autopsy reveals that not only did she not suffer the same effects as the previous victims, but her body had signs that she had just given birth. Andoh goes to the apartment roof and looks through a smokestack, which just so happens to resemble a well:
  Andoh: [thinking] Why did Mai Takano end up here... What brought her up here?
  Linkara: Well, presumably, whoever murdered her and stuffed her in there.
  Andoh: [thinking] If she was pregnant, where did the baby go...? Tell me...
  Linkara: [as Andoh, "projecting his thoughts"] Tell me, building! I'm using my telepathy to try to get answers from you! [beat] What? Every other character in this series has psychic powers, so I might as well, too!
• At the lab, Andoh and Miyashita manage to isolate the Ring virus in a microscope; they learn the virus itself isn't very infectious, and it looks very similar to smallpox:
  Miyashita: About a 70% overlap.
  Andoh: The remaining 30%?
  Miyashita: Don't be surprised, but the remaining part overlaps with a gene that codes the enzyme.
  Andoh: Enzyme? What kind?
  Miyashita: Human.
  [dramatic sting]
  Linkara: OH, MY GOD!! THERE ARE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF ENZYMES IN THE HUMAN BODY; COULD YOU BE MORE SPECFIC?
  • Miyashita explains how the virus works, which beggars belief:
    Miyashita: First, by watching the video, viewers' hearts reach a certain condition. Such condition mutates the existing DNA to the Ring virus, a virus very similar to smallpox.
    Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything ab—
    Linkara: NO! I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO HUMOR IT WITH THE SUPERMAN: AT EARTH'S END CLIP! THIS IS FRICKING DUMB! VIDEOTAPES... ALTER... YOUR DNA! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING WITH! THE POWER OF MAGNETIC TAPE, EVERYBODY! BATMAN WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! THIS IS WHY VHS TAPES ARE SO BAD! YOU DON'T GET DNA-ALTERING TAPES WITH BETAMAX, YOU KNOW!
• Andoh manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Andoh realizes he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
  Woman: Let's go to a movie? I want to watch a movie.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, in a poor judgment call, Mitsuo takes her to see Cats; she then refuses to go on a second date with him.
  • When they return to the apartment, Miyashita calls Andoh while the woman takes a shower:
    Miyashita: Where were you all day? I've been trying to get a hold of you!
    Andoh: Movies.
    Miyashita: Huh?
    Ando: Watched three straight.
    Linkara: [as Andoh] Triple-feature of Neil Breen movies; they made about as much sense as this story.
• In a series of complicated reveals, Andoh learns that the woman he's with is a reborn Sadako Yamamura, who can control anyone infected with the Ring virus:
  Andoh: Sadako... What do you want?
  Sadako: I don't know. Just that, in that well... I could not bear to rot away without anyone noticing. I wanted everyone to remember... the existence of Sadako Yamamura...
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Now, though, I just kind of want to see movies. Ooh! Maybe I'll start a podcast!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Miyashita: Can I say something stupid?
  Linkara: [singing] And then he went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like "I love you."

707: The Ring, Vol. 4: Birthday

• Linkara reads the blurb on the manga's back cover:
  Blurb: The Ring saga continues! Almost everyone knows about the frightening film adaptations of Koji Suzuki's fantastic Japanese horror novels (in fact, the American adaptation of The Ring 2 is currently shooting in Oregon!).
  Linkara: Unfortunately.
  • Linkara continues:
    Blurb: Now you can find out what the story is really about!
    Linkara: [as the blurb] It's about two prequels completely unconnected to the American films, and the expansion of a plot point from a movie that was completely abandoned by the franchise going forward!
    Blurb: Birthday is a collection of three short stories providing detailed background stories...
    Linkara: Nice redundancy there. "The stories are providing stories!"
    Blurb: ...about the evil Sadako and what makes her otherworldly scheme work so well.
    Linkara: [as Sadako] Yes, after I join an acting troupe, I'll get murdered by a guy because of really gross reasons, and then have him throw me down a well, and my psychic powers will imprint a bunch of vague images on a videotape more to do with my mom than me, and said tape will murder people in seven days, unless they make a copy of the tape, or write down a detailed description of the tape, or I infect ovulating women so I can give clone birth to myself!
    Westley: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
• The first story, "The Casket Floating in the Sky", opens with a naked Mai Takano in a black void:
  Mai: [thinking] ...It fell down... ...and entered my body...
  Linkara: Meimu! Just go and find a hentai doujinshi or something already! You're in Japan! I know you have those, for crying out loud!
• During the events of Rasen, after arriving home and taking some pills, Mai spots the videotape on the table and flashes back to when Asakawa spoke to her:
  Asakawa: You sure Ryuji Takayama didn't leave you a message?
  Linkara: [as Asakawa] Like, in a code that he swallowed or something?
  • Asakawa claimed that watching the tape could have caused his death, but Mai pointed out that he died of a heart attack:
    Mai: How could a video tape kill someone... like the professor?
    Linkara: [as Mai] I mean, one of his students, maybe, but professors are immune to videotape murder!
• Mai then meets with one of Ryuji's colleagues, but Linkara is quick to point out how the way they're drawn makes them resemble limp noodles more than people:
  Linkara: Apparently, it wasn't Sadako who was the problem; it was Slender Man the whole time!
  • The colleague says that Ryuji's philosophy paper is incomplete, with the last few pages missing; he asks Mai to help find those pages:
    Colleague: And, if you can't find them... can you fill in the gap where the logic takes a huge leap?
    Linkara: [as the colleague] Somehow, he went from talking about the categorical imperative to saying that gophers were a superior form of life, and we really need the steps in between here.
    • Naturally, Mai points out she could never do such a thing:
      Colleague: Professor Takayama's last research paper must not die.
      Linkara: [as the colleague] And printing it with a disclaimer about how it was unfinished is just impossible; no work has ever been published incomplete and posthumously!
• Back at her apartment, Mai watches the tape:
  Instructions: Everyone who watches this will, in a week at the exact same time... ...be dead. If you don't want to die, do what I tell you now.
  Linkara: [as the instructions] You must write down a detailed report of all the events that transpired involving a reporter investigating this tape. Also, the four teens who see this before that guy even gets involved, you are screwed.
• Later, Mai has a dream where she's floating in the well and looking into the night sky:
  Mai: [thinking] Two moons...? It's the scene from the video... Of course.
  Linkara: [as Mai] Sadako was an alien from another planet this whole time! Of course! It all fits!
  • Suddenly, Sadako rises next to her with a big grin on her face:
    Sadako: You know, I... ...once died in this place.
    Linkara: [as Sadako] It's good that I can laugh about it now!
• Mai wakes up from her dream standing on the edge of a roof, clutching onto a fence to keep from falling, with no memory of how she got there:
  Linkara: [as Mai] Oh geez, my alcohol blackouts are getting worse!
  • As Mai walks down the street, she sees a large black box floating above her:
    Linkara: Oh great, as if Mai doesn't have enough problems already; the Monolith aliens want to make her into a Star Baby!
    • Mai describes it as a "casket in the sky":
      Mai: [thinking] Is it because I saw that video??
      Linkara: Ah yes, let's put that down into the list of side effects for the Ring curse: photographs of you get muddy, horses/deer go nuts around you, sometimes seeing a ghost girl in reflections... and hallucinations of caskets floating above you.
• Mai then remarks how she can feel her entire genetic makeup being rewritten:
  Mai: [thinking] It's me but not me anymore. I'm becoming someone else...
  Linkara: [as Mai] Hopefully, I become someone with nipples.
  • She realizes this is happening to her instead of a heart attack because she was ovulating when she watched the video:
    Mai: [thinking] Is it someone who died in that well...? What... is it going to do when it returns to this world?
    Linkara: Eh, watch a lot of movies and go on a book tour, apparently. [beat] Huh, almost sounds wholesome when I describe it like that...
    Mai: [thinking] As I began losing consciousness, I looked up at the sky. There I saw a floating casket prepared for me.
    Linkara: [as Mai] Then it just turned out to be a weird design for Amazon delivery drones.
    Mai: [thinking] When the time comes, everyone... ...will see the casket...
    Linkara: [as Mai] And then they'll file a formal complaint because the casket they got is for someone two feet shorter than them.
• The second story, "Lemon Heart", opens with a woman's chest pulled open to reveal the titular heart:
  Linkara: Oh, good; we finally have that long-awaited Ring and Hellraiser crossover.
  Woman: [thinking] Please don't forget me...
  Linkara: Lady, if you walked down the street with a bunch of hooks pulling your chest open like that, I guarantee you I won't forget it!
  Woman: [thinking] If you love me, please preserve me in your memory... ...until the day I return from the dead.
  Linkara: [as the woman] After I'm back from the dead, though, feel free to just delete all that; we're starting fresh.
• The story truly opens on a man sitting on a park bench clutching his chest:
  Man: ...Aah. I guess it stopped now...
  Linkara: [as the man] That lemon that replaced my heart lasted longer than I thought it would!
  • We learn that this man, Hiroshi Tohyama, has been having nightmares relating to 24 years ago, when he was a sound technician for the Hisho theater group... and fell in love with the group's newest actress, Sadako Yamamura:
    Linkara: As a reminder for those only familiar with the American films, unlike Samara, Sadako wasn't a child when she was murdered; she was an adult, and before the events that led to her death, she was an actress in this theater group... which does suddenly make me think her using videotape as the medium of her curse is just revenge against people who would tape her performances to sell bootleg copies.
• Tohyama is later contacted by reporter Kenzo Yoshino for information regarding Sadako; they meet up, where Yoshino informs him about Mai's death in the ventilation shaft after giving birth:
  Tohyama: So, the two deaths are unrelated?
  Yoshino: ...Yeah, and... about Sadako Yamamura...
  Linkara: [as Yoshino] I just suddenly felt like mentioning someone who was mysteriously murdered recently; probably not important at all.
  • Tohyama demands Yoshino explain why he wants to know about Sadako, and he explains that Asakawa investigated her as well, but Tohyama is one of the only members of the theater group still alive at this point:
    Yoshino: Twenty-four years ago... ...you and Sadako had a special relationship.
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] Eh, it's not that special; I just helped her set up her YouTube channel. [plays a cutesy video featuring Sadako] She wouldn't listen when I said it should be an ASMR channel.
• Tohyama flashes back to 24 years ago, where he's organizing the sound effects of the performance:
  Tohyama: [thinking] Music 1... Theme song.
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] I'm thinking... the Perfect Strangers theme song.
  Tohyama: [thinking] Music 5... Church bell from afar.
  Linkara: And you thought I was kidding about the Hellraiser crossover!
• Sadako meets with Tohyama, explaining that she's scared of a particular sound on the tape:
  Sadako: Do you hear a strange woman's voice?
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] Huh? Oh, uh, sorry. My mom insisted I record her drunkenly singing karaoke last night; just ignore it.
  • Sadako tells Tohyama about a small altar backstage; Tohyama opens it up to find the altar has been replaced with the one from the sound technicians' booth... which contains a dried-up piece of an umbilical cord:
    Linkara: Oh, good; we found where Frank Sunderland in Silent Hill 4 used to work!
    • Sadako elaborates:
      Sadako: Just as Ohkubo described... He says that he recognizes what that woman's voice in the tape sounds like. It's like how a woman moans when she delivers... She must've delivered a baby.
      Linkara: Moaning, screaming in pain; basically the same thing, right?! Also, eww! Sadako, don't touch that!
      Sadako: That umbilical cord is testimony of someone being born... ...into the world... ...Yes... ...a testimony.
      Jack Burton: Are you crazy? Is that your problem?
• Tohyama asks Ohkubo about what Sadako found, who says he didn't know anything about the altar, and the sound wasn't meant to scare her:
  Ohkubo: I just wanted to help Sada relax. I thought a horror story or two might help her a bit.
  Linkara: Ah yes, there's nothing more calming or relaxing than a horror story!
• Tohyama and Sadako later admit their love for one another, but Tohyama begins to have doubts when he sees Sadako groping Yusaku Shigemori, the play's director, while admitting her love for him:
  Tohyama: [thinking] I noticed that her attitude towards society was that of defiance. It had a quality of ill will. It was as if she wanted to be an actress so that she could take revenge on the world.
  Linkara: [snaps] Of course! Disbelieving reporters drove her mother to suicide, so she'd take revenge on them by becoming an actress! What a brilliant plan!
  Gen. Patton: Magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• The next time Tohyama meets with Sadako, he asks her about what happened with Shigemori; she just ends up teasing him about it, with the conversation shifting to the cassette tapes Tohyama uses for his audio work and how tapes might one day be used to record video:
  Sadako: It could be... ...something that'll happen after I'm dead.
  Tohyama: W... What're you saying? You're still very young... Don't worry.
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] Someday, we'll all have home video technology! Me personally, I think the most popular will be Capacitance Electronic Discs, or "CED", for short.
  • Sadako opines how she wants to be young forever, but Tohyama offers a counter:
    Tohyama: People don't live forever, but by having children... their genes can continue to exist.
    Linkara: Well, yeah, but your genes don't really think or feel for themselves, so it's not really "living on" so much as "some protein strings that are similar to your own get to go on without you". [beat] Unless this is Marville, in which case, we should feel bad for the poor molecules when they die.
    • Sadako then points out that if people can't have children, then they can't pass on their genes:
      Sadako: Tohyama. Those who are born from people... ...aren't necessarily people themselves.
      Linkara: [as Sadako] Sometimes, they're dung beetles.
• On the last day of the performance, Ohkubo tries to find the tape making fun of Shigemori, but finds the tape that recorded Sadako and Tohyama's conversation instead; Ohkubo plays the tape... where the sound is piped into Shigemori's room via the intercom, filling the director with a nigh-uncontrollable rage as he hurls several accusations and insults at her:
  Yoshino: The look on his face wasn't angry or embarrassed. His expression was said to be utterly out of this world.
  Linkara: Ah, yes... Dorcelessness. I've seen that before. [shows a screenshot from the BLUE CHANNEL's "Thalasin" video]
• Back in the present, as Tohyama thinks about how the conversation was even recorded to begin with, he has a heart attack and collapses to the ground, as the reborn Sadako appears before him:
  Sadako: Tohyama. You've... ...remembered me all these years. Although the others... ...who said they loved me, forgot quickly.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Still murdering you, though; I have a reputation to maintain. Sorry.
  • Tohyama's thoughts shift to one thing as he dies:
    Tohyama: [thinking] I don't care who you are. This pain feels similar to how I felt whenever I looked at you and touched you... Bittersweet pain... An anguish of the heart. At the time, I was filled with the fragrance of youth, the citrus freshness... Lemon Heart....
    Linkara: [as Tohyama] Ugh, it's like a fruity heartburn...
• Linkara moves on to the book's final story, completely original to the manga, "Sadako":
  Sadako: [thinking] I don't remember when I began to feel that both my body and soul were different from others....
  Linkara: [as Sadako] I think it was the fourth time I decided to sit naked in the ocean for no reason...
• In 1946, Shizuko Yamamura dove to retrieve a Buddha statue from underwater, where she first began developing her psychic powers; she was discovered by assistant psychology professor Heihachiro Ikuma, who had an affair with her and consequently fathered Sadako:
  Sadako: [thinking] My mother returned to her home town of Sashikiji and gave birth to me, Sadako. Immediately after, she left for Tokyo, leaving me behind. She returned three years later to take me with her...
  Linkara: [as Sadako] Living on an island alone for three years was tough as a baby.
• Following the fateful demonstration of Shizuko's powers, Dr. Ikuma was driven out of academia and hospitalized from tuberculosis; as for Shizuko herself...
  Sadako: [thinking] My mother was broken by society's harsh criticism.
  Linkara: BEHOLD, MY VIEWERS: THE SHEER POWER I HOLD AS AN INTERNET CRITIC! I CAN BREAK PSYCHICS! DRIVE SCIENTISTS AWAY! ALL SHALL LOVE MY CRITICISM AND DESPAAAIR!!
  • After Sadako and Shizuko returned to the island, Shizuko committed suicide by leaping into the volcano:
    Sadako: [thinking] As I watched the volcano which swallowed my mother, I had a vision.
    Linkara: [as Sadako] It was of Werner Herzog in his underwear; I'm not quite sure what it means.
    Sadako: [thinking] Lava is something that burns everything. It's the great energy of Mother Earth. And that great energy was about to erupt. The moment I saw that overwhelming vision, I thought... someday, I'll get back at the people...
    Linkara: [as Sadako] I will become a lava-themed supervillain!
• After graduating high school, Sadako joined the Hisho theater group:
  Sadako: [thinking] By that time, my vague plan was shaping itself.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] So far, I had a baking soda volcano, a psychic hotline... and for some reason, a bunch of wiener dogs all playing a part in it?
  Sadako: [thinking] I must succeed at the theater no matter what.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] As soon as I win a Tony award, people will have to take psychic powers seriously!
• More of the conversation between Sadako and Tohyama is revealed, where she asked what happens to people after they die:
  Sadako: Tohyama, even after a person dies... So long as the person had a strong attachment to someone, that life can continue.
  Linkara: [as Tohyama] So... like, a Force ghost?
  Linkara: [as Sadako] What? No, don't be silly. I'm not talking about ghosts; I'm talking about videotape viruses, of course!
• After Shigemori learned of Sadako and Tohyama's relationship, he got drunk and went to Sadako's apartment to confront her... where she greeted him naked, revealing her intersex nature to him; he did not take this very well:
  Sadako: [thinking] I left the theater group Hisho. I could not pursue my dream to become an actress.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] So, instead, I decided to teach acting; it's not my dream, but the pay's decent, at least.
• After Sadako was thrown in the well, she assumed she would die, but then she felt the smallpox virus infect her and communicate with her, convincing her to live by passing this virus into others; she then thought back to her mother's story about the Buddha statue and wondered if it felt the same as she did sinking into the water:
  Sadako: [thinking] I don't know how many hours passed. When I looked up, the round space had transformed into a square space.
  Linkara: [as Sadako] And then I realized I was in a sponsored video for building a new website.
  • Actually, she saw the ventilation duct Mai died in; she then crawls out of it, not caring about what happened to Mai:
    Sadako: [thinking] In about a week, I will grow up to be my original self. Although it's still me, I will be another species.
    Linkara: [as Sadako] I will be a monkfish for some reason.
    • The story, and manga, ends with her deciding to visit Tohyama:
      Sadako: [thinking] I have an idea... Why don't I visit him.
      Linkara: [as Sadako] And then I'll find the pathologist who was dating Mai and enact a convoluted revenge scheme on humanity by growing more Sadako clones! I make a lot of sense!

708: Spider-Man: Funeral for an Octopus #1-3

• The first issue opens at a cordoned-off warehouse, where a single policeman stands guard:
  Captions: "It was at a place like this that it all began... ...when a shy teenaged boy faced off against an armed gunman... and learned a valuable lesson that would last a lifetime!"
  Linkara: [as the captions] That a layer of pudding does not make him bulletproof.
  • We then see Spidey breaking into the warehouse, which is the same location where Doc Ock treated his poisoning:
    Spider-Man: [thinking] Looks like the feds gave the lab a good once-over! Took everything that wasn't nailed down!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Eh, so much for those commemorative plates I wanted...
    • Spidey finds a vial of the Vulture's toxin, and flashes back to when he was poisoned and had to be saved by Ock:
      Spider-Man: [thinking] One way or the other, Doc... ...it's payback time!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Man] I'm going to cure your death just like you cured me!
• Spidey then swings over to Ock's funeral, with dozens of camera crews covering the event:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] Looks more like a circus than a funeral down there!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Funeral clowns usually make less balloon animals.
  • Spidey decides to attend the funeral as Peter Parker, both to avoid the media's attention and to honor Ock for saving his life; as he makes his way to the grave, he accidentally bumps into a cameraman:
    Cameraman: Hey! Watch it, fella! This is news!
    Peter: [thinking] News? Hardly. Try exploitation... and sensationalism!
    Linkara: [as the cameraman] Aw man, I can't wait to turn this funeral coverage into a listicle!
    • Peter meets up with the other staff members of the Daily Bugle in attendance, with Jameson fuming about the TV reporters lacking integrity... only for Robbie to point out how Jameson wanted a full-color insert on the funeral put in the morning paper:
      Jameson: Hrrmph! That's different. That's journalism!
      Linkara: [as Jameson] It would've been exploitation if it had been done in black and white!
• A man goes up to a lectern to speak:
  Elias Hargrove: Dear friends... ...I am Elias Hargrove... ...and we are gathered here, under grey skies, to bid farewell to my cousin, Doctor Otto Octavius.
  Linkara: [as Hargrove] But first, we have some birthdays to announce...
  Hargrove: His time among us was all too brief... ...but to those whose lives he touched... ...he shall remain... a most profound influence.
  Linkara: Yeah, calling him an "influence" was probably the most respectful way of saying "He ruined many people's lives."
  Hargrove: When I look back, I prefer not to think of him as Doctor Octopus, but rather as the benevolent... the sensitive... soul he once was. The son of a migrant laborer, gifted with a restless intellect beyond his station. A man of science, whose gift brought hope to others... ...but only pain and suffering upon himself.
  Linkara: Dude, points for wanting to remember him for his better qualities, but, uh... his gift of science brought a looooot of pain and suffering on others; maybe you want to rephrase that?
  • As Hargrove recites scripture, we see Ben Reilly, the Scarlet Spider, watching from afar:
    Scarlet Spider: [thinking] I never met Doctor Octopus... not really! My memories of him were artificially implanted, not based on any actual experience! Still, I know him... despise him... by proxy!
    Linkara: In today's episode, Ben Reilly learns about parasocial relationships.
    Scarlet Spider: [thinking] The downside of being the clone of Peter Parker! Maybe, in the end... ...memories are all we can truly call our own!
    Linkara: But... you just literally said that those memories aren't your own... What?
• Hours later, Peter suits back up as Spider-Man and goes to Ock's grave to pay his respects:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] We weren't so very different, you and I, Doc.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] I mean, maybe we could've even swapped bodies at some point.
  • Spidey states if not for the guidance of Aunt May and Uncle Ben, he would've lashed out at the world, too:
    Spider-Man: [thinking] It's ironic... By saving me... ...you've caused me more anguish than ever!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] WHY WON'T THE UNIVERSE JUST LET ME DIIIEE?!
• Meanwhile, Hargrove is approached by Mister Gerdes, Ock's attorney and the executor of his estate, and is given a package against his wishes, which is revealed to be a videotape:
  Linkara: Otto's last wish was for Elias to be cursed by Sadako. [beat] See? I'm justifying still being in the Halloween outfit.
  Doc Ock: [on the tape] Elias Hargrove... If you are watching this, it is safe to assume that I am dead.
  Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Or that you needed a spare tape to record something, in which case, go ahead; TiVo hasn't been invented yet.
• In an interlude, a scientist named Moretti is being yelled at by a government agent named Reinholdt about replicating Doc Ock's metallic arms, saying he should be working on it faster:
  Reinholdt: I've requisitioned the computer files and equipment we expropriated from the good doctor's lab. Maybe you can buy a clue among the refuse!
  Moretti: But these encephalographic readouts don't make any sense!
  Reinholdt: Neither do bumblebees, Moretti!
  Linkara: [as Reinholdt] And yet, they're close to replicating the robotic arms!
  Reinholdt: They can't fly — not according to every aerodynamic principle in the book!
  Linkara: [as Reinholdt] Especially the conservation of energy!
  Reinholdt: Doesn't stop 'em from zippin' up and zappin' you on the keester!
  Batman: A deadly bee weapon... Bees. My God.
  Dr. Linksano: As it happens, we do know how bumblebees fly! Their wings aren't rigid, and they make very quick sweeping motions front and back, creating enough lift for them! Just goes to show how much of a moron you look like when you don't know what you're talking about, Reinholdt!
• In a secret hideout, the Vulture, the Hobgoblin, Electro, and Mysterio are given a message by the man who summoned them... Elias Hargrove:
  Hargrove: Otto Octavius' notes and equipment have been confiscated by the government! You four are going to help me retrieve them!
  Linkara: [as Hargrove] You know the words, gentlemen... "Are you bad enough dudes to kidnap the President?"
• As Hargrove explains how he has damaging materials on them should they not cooperate, the four villains are tied up by the Scarlet Spider, ending the issue:
  Scarlet Spider: And the Scarlet Spider is gonna take great pleasure... ...in taking you out... ...permanently!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Spider] Kaine set the precedent for killing old villains to hype up new ones, so I'm just going to get a head-start on that!
• The second issue picks up where the first left off, with the Hobgoblin recognizing the Scarlet Spider:
  Scarlet Spider: Gosh, it's great to be noticed! Guess my press agent really does know his stuff!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Spider] Guess I will do that suppository commercial!
  Scarlet Spider: But I wonder, will success spoil America's favorite sweat-shirted sensation?
  Linkara: Huh... Which is a worse nickname, "Arachknight" or "sweat-shirted sensation"? You make the call!
• In Hargrove's apartment, he packs up a portable transmitter:
  Hargrove: [thinking] I only hope that spider character didn't catch a glimpse of my face on the viewscreen...
  Linkara: Well, his first shot of Impact Webbing hit directly on the screen, dude, so... yeah, chances are, he saw you. [beat] Why did he try to web up the screen?
  • Hargrove continues following the tape's instructions, only for him to notice something about the message and walk off:
    Doc Ock: [on the tape] These instructions must be followed to the letter. If—
    Hargrove: [thinking] No need to go any further, dear cousin... ...I already know what needs to be done!
    Linkara: [as Hargrove] Time to invest in NFTs!
• The government facility holding the mechanical arms is attacked by the villains just as Moretti finishes building a control helmet that mimics Ock's brain patterns; as the villains fight off the facility's security forces, a mysterious figure watches:
  Mysterious Figure: [thinking] By all means, my friends, stay close... ...and make my task all the easier!
  Linkara: He's their official photographer.
  • As Reinholdt hurriedly orders the arms to be packed up, he gets a painful shock courtesy of Electro:
    Linkara: BY DIEHARD'S CROTCH!! I don't think human bodies are supposed to bend like that!
    Electro: Well, I've got a newsflash for you! G-Man... ...you don't know who you're dealing with!
    Linkara: Man, imagine if you could do that to the G-Man in Half-Life.
    • Suddenly, Spidey arrives on the scene, allowing the mysterious figure to steal what he came for; Spidey grabs Mysterio and berates him for using the old "mist-up-the-sleeve" trick:
      Spider-Man: Listen up, Mysty... These are the big leagues, not "Star Search '95!"
      Linkara: You're just jealous that Mysterio won in the "Junior Dance" category.
      Spider-Man: So you might wanna retire that bubble, before you get seriously hurt... like Ock!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Or worse, you're used in an elaborate revenge scheme revolving around Norman Osborn having two kids with Gwen Stacy! And yes, that is the eventual explanation for Sins Past! And yes, it is hilarious to see all the fan art on Mysterio wearing a blonde wig and making out with Norman Osborn!
• As the villains begin their counterattack, Spidey gets a bright idea... and commandeers Doc Ock's arms using the control helmet:
  Spider-Man: Don't bail out now, guys! The party's just getting started! And... in case you couldn't tell... ...something new has been added to the mix! Say hello... to the Amazing Octo-Spidey!
  Linkara: ...I had the toy of this as a kid.
• In the third and final issue, the Scarlet Spider digs his way out of the rubble the Vulture trapped him under; he wants to go after the villains, but has no idea where they are:
  Scarlet Spider: [thinking] ...but I'd lay dollars to doughnuts that mousy guy I saw on their viewscreen does!
  Linkara: And I bet you credits to navy beans that you could just do what you did before: use your tracer.
• As Spidey dodges attacks by the facility's security, he loses control of the arms and is left with no choice but to destroy them to prevent potential casualties; needless to say, Moretti is not happy:
  Moretti: Do you realize what you've done? Those arms were the very pinnacle of encephalo-responsive prosthetics technology! Now they're nothing but scrap metal!
  Linkara: Well, yeah, but the arms themselves are still relatively intact, and you've still got all of Otto's files; sure, not having the working model sucks, but I'm pretty sure you have enough to just rebuild it.
  Moretti: Our research was government sanctioned, you vandal! Uncle Sam's going to have your hide for—
  Linkara: ...And Spidey webs up the dude's mouth. Oh, if only we could do that to real government figures...
  Spider-Man: Hey, don't bother to thank me, Curly... ...just remember me come Christmas!
  Linkara: Moretti's Christmas gift is diabolical; he sends him a new Doctor Octopus harness with all the arms... but it's child-sized, so Peter can't wear it. And, he doesn't include a gift receipt.
• In the meantime, Hargrove confronts Mister Gerdes in his office with a gun, demanding an explanation:
  Hargrove: This tape you gave me — Otto's living will... ...is a fraud!
  Linkara: [as Hargrove] It's a bootleg!
  Hargrove: Whoever computer-composited the imagery knew a great deal about my cousin!... ...but apparently little about the laws of optics!
  Linkara: And that is why A.I. art is a brilliantly conceived toy and tool, but it's never going to replace real artists.
• In an epilogue, Spidey watches the sunrise on the docks:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] It's funny... I started out looking for answers... ...and, even though I've come up dry, I feel strangely liberated!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Man, who knew that all you needed to feel free was robotic tentacles?
  • The miniseries ends with Spidey vowing to find Doc Ock's killer and bring him to justice:
    Spider-Man: [thinking] When Doc Ock brought me back from the brink, he made it all possible! In a way, I am his living legacy! And I won't let him down!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] I'm going to form my own Sinister Six and become a supervillain in his honor!

709: Christmas Quickies #2

• This year's selection of Christmas comics begins with an advertisement for a children's bicycle:
  Title: Jimmy's Big Christmas (Thanks to Dad)
  Linkara: [as the title] Up yours, Mom! You contributed nothing!
  Dad: Mother, Jimmy and I are going Christmas shopping.
  Linkara: Nothing better shows off the holiday spirit than creepily calling your wife "Mother".
  Dad: I'll try to find out what kind of a bicycle he wants.
  Mother: Be careful not to give our surprise away.
  Linkara: [as the dad] Surprise, son! It's a Segway!
  • Later, Jimmy and his dad pass by a bicycle store and peruse its wares:
    Dad: Look at that bicycle! It sure is a beauty!
    Jimmy: That's a new Roadmaster. It's built just like your car!
    Linkara: It's way too big, and because it's before safety standards were implemented, it's technically a deathtrap?
    Jimmy: See, Dad, the stoplight works off the brake, and it has a powerful search beam headlight.
    Linkara: [as Jimmy] I can blind all drivers in my path! LOOK INTO MY DEADLIGHTS!!
    Jimmy: The chrome Gothic fenders are like fenders on 1950 cars!
    Linkara: I found this on a comic printed in 1949; shouldn't that just read "like fenders on cars"?
    Dad: There was never a bicycle like this when I was a kid! Imagine a Shockmaster fork!
    Linkara: ...A cattle prod?
    • On Christmas morning, Jimmy receives a Roadmaster for his present:
      Jimmy: Hot dog! A Roadmaster! What a Christmas! Thanks Mother and Dad!
      Linkara: Not "Mom and Dad"? I'm beginning to think "Mother" is just her birth name.
• Next up is a holiday-themed subscription ad from Marvel featuring Magneto, Doctor Octopus, and Doctor Doom singing Christmas carols outside a house while Spider-Man sneaks in through the chimney:
  Linkara: It's a diabolically grinchy plan: the residents of the house are so distracted by the singing supervillains that they don't see Spidey coming in to steal their presents.
  • To keep with the theme, the lyrics of the carols have been slightly altered:
    Magneto, Doctor Octopus, and Doctor Doom: [singing] Deck the halls with Marvel Comics! Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la!
    Doomkara: [singing] Doom will steal your electronics! Fa-la-la-la-la! Eat it, Richards!
    • Spidey describes how to sign up:
      Spider-Man: Just fill out the coupon below — enclose a list for additional gift subscriptions. Be sure to include names, addresses and titles!
      Linkara: [as Spider-Man] That way, when I break into your house later, I know who I'm stealing from.
      Linkara: The MCU version of Home Alone is weird.
• The time has come for Linkara to introduce another obscure superhero — Captain Tootsie, the mascot for Tootsie Rolls and Tootsie Pops who has fallen into the public domain:
  Linkara: So the thousands of you out there who have been eagerly waiting to make a Captain Tootsie revival comic, now's your chance.
  • Actually, Captain Tootsie has been brought back by, of all people, Erik Larsen in several issues of Savage Dragon in the mid-to-late 2010s:
    Linkara: Also, reading the descriptions of some of these issues, they might involve sex dolls and penis monsters; Savage Dragon is kind of weird, my friends. [beat] Also also, Merry Christmas!
• The Captain Tootsie comic Linkara is looking at this year is called "Captain Tootsie Cheers Orphans":
  Captain Tootsie: Look, fellows! Girls! How do you like the sled I just built for MY FRIENDS AT THE ORPHANAGE.
  Linkara: [as Captain Tootsie] Do you hear that, FRIENDS AT THE ORPHANAGE? I MADE SOMETHING FOR YOU, SO STOP BEING MAD I FORGOT THE OTHER FLAVOR TOOTSIE ROLLS LAST WEEK!
  • Captain Tootsie gives the children a ride on his sled, which can conveniently carry him and up to ten children at once:
    Captions: And what a day for the kids - one like they haven't known yet!
    Linkara: Yeah, the orphanage is at the bottom of a massive hill given that they took the sled down to it, and he just forced these orphans to trudge up the hill to ride it back down again; it's probably been an exhausting day.
    • Soon, the kids begin to grow hungry:
      Child 1: I'm hungry!
      Child 2: Is dinner ready? I'm starved!
      Linkara: Good news, kids! You can eat the sled!
      Captions: Appetites sharpened by the sledding in the crisp winter air...
      Linkara: [as the captions] The orphans proceed to devour Mr. Tootsie.
• After handing the children Tootsie Pops for dessert, Captain Tootsie takes his leave:
  Mrs. Parent: GOOD BYE CAPTAIN TOOTSIE. H-m-m- What a wonderful man, every boys' and girl's friend! How many men would go to all that trouble!
  Linkara: [shrugs] A sled salesman with a sweet tooth?
  Captain Tootsie: Good bye Mrs. Parent!
  Linkara: That has got to be the cruelest name for an orphanage owner outside of "Mrs. Killchild".
  Captain Tootsie: Those youngsters need something like that - now they'll REALLY ENJOY THIS WINTER WITH THAT SLED GIVEN THEM!
  Linkara: [as Captain Tootsie] HEAR THAT, KIDS?! YOU'D BETTER ENJOY THIS WINTER, OR I'LL BE BACK AND YOU'LL BE CHOKING ON THESE TOOTSIE POPS!
• A winter-themed Hostess Twinkies ad features Hal Jordan watching a bobsled run as a giant ice boulder falls onto the track, blocking the path for the sled; Hal suits up as the Green Lantern and uses his ring to remove the boulder:
  Green Lantern: There goes the boulder... and here comes the bobsled.
  Linkara: [as Green Lantern] ...Aaaaand I didn't remove my energy beam in time, and they've all been blasted off the track just like the boulder. [beat] My bad.
  • The bobsledders thank Green Lantern after finishing their run:
    Bobsledder 1: Wow, thanks, Green Lantern! That could've been a disaster.
    Bobsledder 2: In a crash, we'd lose all the Hostess® Twinkies® cakes we had stashed inside.
    Linkara: [as Bobsledder 2] I mean, if we had died, who gives a crap? But TWINKIES?!
    Linkara: Why do you have so many stashed inside? Were they intended to help weigh down the sled? Pretty sure that's considered cheating, isn't it?
    Bobsledder 1: Horrible thought. Missing all this light, golden sponge cake.
    Linkara: Basically, life is meaningless if you can't eat Twinkies; might as well surrender to the void now to save time.
    Bobsledder 2: And the delicious creamed filling Hostess Twinkies cakes really believe in great teamwork.
    Linkara: One, awkward sentence; feels like we're missing a verb or something there. Two, I don't think the cream filling really has a choice in the matter.
    Green Lantern: [thinking] Those guys are on the right track.
    Linkara: [as Green Lantern] Black Lanterns are invading?! Eh, I'll get to it after I eat some Twinkies first.
• The final comic in this year's lineup features Superboy apparently in charge of a workshop that employs children:
  Linkara: No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus; there's only Superboy.
  • One of the kids has to leave early to buy some Christmas presents:
    Superboy: I thought you were going to give your mother that magazine rack you were making.
    Boy 1: Naw! I changed my mind! I've gotta give my folks some bang-up presents!
    Linkara: Meanwhile at this kid's house, thousands of magazines are strewn about everywhere, no place to store them.
    Boy 1: After all, I'm expecting a two-wheeler for Christmas!
    Linkara: [as Boy 1] Oh boy, I'll get my own dolly cart!
    Boy 2: Gosh, that's just what I want for Hanukkah! I hope I'm not disappointed!
    Linkara: [as Boy 2] Aww, they got me a furniture dolly instead!
• Just then, another kid enters:
  Boy 3: Hey, fellers. Pipe down — here comes Pete. He probably won't be getting anything this year. I heard my dad say his mother had been sick so long his dad's almost broke!
  Linkara: This comic is from 1953, so crappy medical costs have just always been a thing here, eh?
  • However, Pete happily exclaims his mother is coming home from the hospital tomorrow, so he'll have the chance to have a happy Christmas:
    Girl 1: You mean you're going to get that new camera, after all?
    Pete: Who said anything about a camera?
    Linkara: [as Pete] Mom's bringing home an MRI machine!
    • The comic ends with the children discussing how the holidays are all about family togetherness:
      Superboy: Now you're both talking! The nice thing about these holidays we've been celebrating for so many centuries is that wonderful feeling people enjoy when families get together. Presents are just one way of showing these feelings. What they cost or how big they are shouldn't really matter!
      Linkara: That's just his way of saying he didn't get anything for the other kids.
      Captions: This page is published as a public service in cooperation with leading national social welfare and youth-serving organizations.
      Linkara: [as the captions] In other words, kids, you're getting socks for Christmas, and you'll like it!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Child 3: Did we have fun!
  Captain Tootsie: I'll show you how to work the sled, later!
  Linkara: How complicated is this sled that it requires training, Captain Tootsie?

710: Batman #27: A Christmas Peril

• Linkara points out something on the cover:
  Cover: Back the 6th War Loan!
  Linkara: Merry Christmas, America! Let's go kill some Nazees!
• The story opens on a preview showing Batman and Robin descending from a Christmas tree to save Santa and a kid from being gunned down by gangsters:
  Captions: Any resemblance between this adventure and Dickens' beloved masterpiece, "A Christmas Carol", is strictly intentional...
  Linkara: Spoilers: Lest you think this was chosen for me to yet again cover a variation of A Christmas Carol, no. This is nothing like A Christmas Carol... except if maybe you squint hard enough; for one thing, I don't recall quite as many tommy guns in A Christmas Carol. [beat] Some in Home Alone, though.
  Johnny: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
  Linkara: Points to the story name of "peril" rhyming with "carol", but not in a very overt way, though.
  Captions: ...for the great English novelist wrote of the spirit of brotherhood that stirs anew in the world when the mystical Star of the Wise Men shines at Yuletide — and that is the guiding beacon of the mighty Batman and Robin as they fare forth once more against evil and injustice...
  Linkara: [as Batman] Robin! Now that we've traveled back in time, I need to use the Bat-Signal to bring the Three Wise Men to Baby Jesus!
• While shopping for Christmas trees, Bruce and Dick spot some goons pouring gasoline on some of the plants:
  Bruce: Those hoodlums seem to be lacking in peace and goodwill!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Yeah, Robin! Let's show them "Peace" [raises a fist] and "Goodwill"! [raises another fist]
  • As the gangsters set fire to the trees, Bruce and Dick change into their costumes and leap into action:
    Batman: I see you rats don't believe in Santa Claus!
    Linkara: Let that be a lesson to you all: only arsonists don't believe in Santa.
    • Robin punches a goon right into the fire:
      Goon: Ouch! I'm afire!
      Linkara: [as the goon] Zounds! I'm inflamed!
• The owner of the trees explains that the goons were sent to coerce him to raise prices so they could be paid the difference; when Batman asks for their boss's name, a goon replies with "Happy Hoggsby":
  Linkara: Longtime rival of noted criminal mastermind "Big Dix".
• Meanwhile, Hoggsby gloats about his plan:
  Hoggsby: Haw, haw! Santa Claus is sure payin' off this year!
  Linkara: [as Hoggsby] Thank God I filed that trademark on him!
  Gangster: Why didn't we ever tink o' dis before? Da whole woild's crazy about Chrissmus trees!
  Linkara: [as the gangster] Especially Israel!
  • Batman and Robin bust in and quickly subdue the goons:
    Hoggsby: What's the idea, starting a fight in a respectable business place?
    Batman: In the first place, your gunmen started the fight. And in the second place, hogging the Christmas tree market through terrorism isn't respectable!
    Linkara: [as Batman] You do it by cornering the market and lowering the prices to ridiculous levels, so that no small business can compete with you! That's the civilized way of operating!
    Hoggsby: All I do is manage the business! If my — er — agents use crude methods, can I help it?
    Linkara: [as Hoggsby] I am powerless to fire people who engage in illegal operations!
• We cut to the mansion of Scranton Loring, where his uncle Timothy is dressing as Santa Claus to cheer him up:
  Captions: And here is Scranton Loring, the richest boy in the world!
  Scranton: Let me see... $953,000 at 33⅓ percent, with 10 percent deducted for operating costs...
  Linkara: [as Scranton] And with that, I'll buy Twitter! Then no one can make fun of me!
  • However, Scranton is less than pleased with his uncle:
    Scranton: You certainly aren't much like Uncle Caleb! Take off those silly whiskers and meet Eggers, my secretary!
    Timothy: But the whiskers are real!
    Linkara: [as Timothy] The beard isn't, though; I'm just half-cat.
    Timothy: I thought it would make you happy if I played Santa Claus. Most boys of your age would be pleased!
    Scranton: Most boys are stupid — but I'm interested in the really important things, like Uncle Caleb was!
    Linkara: [as Scranton] Like brothels, cigarettes, and dollar store coupons!
    Timothy: All Caleb knew was how to get rich at other people's expense! They used to call him Old Scrooge!
    Scranton: They call me Young Scrooge, and I'm proud of it!
    Linkara: [as Scranton] Especially since I'm actually 49.
• Suddenly, Batman and Robin storm into the mansion:
  Timothy: Batman and Robin! Aren't you thrilled, Scranton?
  Scranton: Why? They're stupid, too — doing all the things they do for nothing!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Joke's on you! I get to wear a cape and punch people; that's its own reward!
  Batman: Robin, I'm afraid our only chance is to take Young Scrooge out for a little airing!
  Robin: Check!
  Linkara: ...And they grab Scranton with the intent to kidnap him. Ah, so that's where Frank Miller got the idea for All-Star Batman & Robin.
• Batman and Robin take Scranton to the tree store owners' house to see the effect his schemes have had on their lives; Scranton is soon moved by their unfortunate circumstances:
  Scranton: I never knew people were as miserable as this!
  Linkara: [as Scranton] I should have my goons come in here and rough them up a bit; they could be way more miserable!
  Scranton: Batman, will it be all right if I give them what money I have with me? Not as charity — I'd really like to!
  Batman: Of course, Scranton!
  Linkara: [as Scranton] It's just a pity there aren't any other rich people around who could use money to help them...
  Linkara: [as Batman] Yeah, it's, uh... I-It's a real shame. B-But you never know! Some rich people might be using their wealth... to... personalize their weapons and vehicles so that they're vaguely bat-shaped! It's a very worthwhile cause!
• Angry at Eggers' role in his Christmas-ruining schemes, Scranton is taken to Hoggsby's place and goes inside; there he meets Eggers, Gulliver... and a tied-up Timothy:
  Scranton: Uncle Tim! Is this some kind of silly game?
  Linkara: [as Timothy] Well, yes, Scranton; you see, Eggers and I are doing something called "bondage"... and, well, Hoggsby's got a Santa kink, so...
  • They announce their intent to kill Timothy and Scranton, who calls out to Batman and Robin to save him:
    Batman: What's this?... Why you rotten murderers!
    Linkara: [as Batman] Nobody kills Santa on my watch! [beat] Do what you want with the kid, though; he's kind of a brat.
    • Scranton tries to get in the way of Hoggsby's gun, saying he deserves to be shot instead of Batman, but Batman punches out Hoggsby anyway:
      Batman: The only thing I'm sorry about is, I'm saving you from the electric chair!
      Linkara: [as Batman] Almost would make you murdering a child worth it...
• The crooks are arrested, and Scranton laments his obsession with money:
  Scranton: How can I make up for all the years I've wasted? A little while ago, when I expected to die, I realized I didn't really care for money — that down underneath, I wanted to be like other boys!
  Linkara: The true meaning of Christmas: conformity!
• Batman and Robin play Santa for the evening and drop off presents all over Gotham, later checking in with the florist and his wife at the hospital:
  Florist's Wife: You're going to get well, Joe — and Santa Claus has bought us a new and better store!
  Linkara: [as the florist's wife] We sell pornography now!
  • They return to Scranton's mansion and set up decorations:
    Robin: We didn't save a single present for Scranton!
    Scranton: Why, I've just been given the finest present on Earth — something all my fortune couldn't buy!
    Linkara: [as Scranton] Bragging rights that I got to hang out with and fight alongside Batman!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Florist's Wife: You're going to get well, Joe — and Santa Claus has bought us a new and better store!
  Linkara: [as the florist's wife] We're going to have a video store that sells VHS tapes!
  Linkara: [as Batman] WHAT?! Oh, you bastards! I'm going to burn it down myself!

711: Mr. T and Emmanuel Lewis in A Christmas Dream

• The special begins with a preview of the events to come:
  Narrator: Mr. T needs some heavyweight magic to fill this tiny Scrooge with the Christmas spirit!
  Linkara: [as the narrator] Mr. T contacts Doctor Strange to have three ghosts haunt this child.
  Emmanuel Lewis: [singing, while staring directly into the camera] He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...
  Linkara: ...And the audience changes channel over to CBS for a new episode of Murder, She Wrote.
• The special proper opens on Mr. T in a Santa suit collecting donations for Volunteers of America; a kid played by Emmanuel Lewis then walks up to him and asks if this is a good job:
  Mr. T: Well, in July, it's not too good of a job.
  Linkara: Yeah, but only because they won't let you customize the outfit to be Fourth of July-themed.
  • Mr. T asks the kid who would ask that kind of question so close to Christmas:
    Kid: A kid that doesn't care too much about Christmas. And a lot of people agree with me!
    Linkara: [as the kid] There's this one rich kid named Scranton who's putting together a Christmas tree racket; I just hope Batman doesn't get involved.
    Kid: Look at all those people who walk right by you. You think they care about Christmas?
    Linkara: Let it be known throughout the land: if you do not give money to a charity Santa worker, YOU HATE CHRISTMAS.
    • Their conversation is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the then-mayor of New York, Ed Koch:
      Ed Koch: Hiya, Santa! How am I doing?
      Linkara: Well, you died in 2013, so... not that great, Ed. Sorry.
• Mr. T asks the kid for his name, and he introduces himself as Billy Johnson:
  Billy: I have no family. Just my parents and me.
  Linkara: [as Billy] I have no family, except for my family members. [shrugs]
  • When asked why he doesn't have any Christmas spirit, Billy explains that his parents don't do many traditional Christmas activities together, not even going to his school play tomorrow:
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] They're probably workin' hard for you, suckah! Time for our first Christmas song; it's called "Treat Your Mother Right: Holiday Remix"!
    Mr. T: You know what you got? You got B.A. You know what "B.A." stands for? "Bad Attitude".
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] And since I'm B.A. Baracus, I think that's a great thing.
    • Mr. T thinks he can get Billy to appreciate Christmas, who accepts his challenge:
      Billy: I'll bet you. I've got a dollar.
      Linkara: Man, those Webster residuals aren't really paying off, are they?
• Another Santa comes to take over for Mr. T, who plans to take Billy to a toy store:
  Mr. T: Me and you can walk around the store while I change my clothes.
  Linkara: [as Billy] They have changing rooms at the toy store?
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Who said anything about a changing room? I just use the bike aisle.
• The show gives out its list of sponsors before cutting to commercial:
  Announcer: Sponsored in part by all your friends at the Mattel toy company!
  Linkara: You weren't my friend when I asked you to help move that couch...
  • Among the commercials is a spot for a Battle Damage He-Man figure:
    Boy 1: [using a Beast-Man figure] Take that!
    Boy 2: Just a dent.
    Boy 1: And that!
    Boy 2: More dents.
    Linkara: Ah, my favorite kind of toy: the one where we can pretend the hero's getting his ass kicked! Hey, this commercial's reminding me... we know who can instill the Christmas spirit in Billy!
    Skeletor: But I must... save the children!
    • Another ad being spotlighted is for Campbell's soup, where a sheriff advises a fellow bar patron to eat some soup after showing him a magazine ad; of course, the patron complies:
      Sheriff: Kid...
      Patron: Huh?
      Sheriff: Eat carefully.
      Linkara: What does this sheriff know about this guy that we don't? Is he liable to injure himself with it?
      Gerald Olin: One Mr. Grady Miller drowned in his chicken soup.
      Jingle: Campbell's! Soup is good food!
      Linkara: Oh, yeah, there's an advertising slogan that took all week to come up with. What is this diner, anyway?
      Abridged Suzaku: I'm at soup!
• Back in the special, Mr. T tells Billy he'll meet him in the store's magic section:
  Billy: Oh, you gonna make something disappear?
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Yeah, you! Can't have children who don't have Christmas spirit; it threatens my job as a charity Santa!
• In the magic section, we see magician David Copperfield talking to children in a way that would make any parent concerned:
  David Copperfield: Jessica... are you married?
  Linkara: [uncomfortable pause] Why would you ask that, David?
  David: Do you have a boyfriend?
  Linkara: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN ANY MORE TOY STORES, COPPERFIELD!
  Jessica: Nah...
  David: Y-Yes? Yeah? Did he ever break your heart?
  Linkara: The man is just ignoring everything this girl is saying, and that's creepy!
  David: Do you want to see what you do when you get a broken heart?
  Jessica: [nods]
  Linkara: Drink. Drink heavily.
  • Billy walks up to David, who shows him a magic trick involving sticking a cigarette through a quarter:
    David: You don't smoke, do you?
    Billy: No way.
    David: Good. Neither do I, but... it's got a trick. [lights up the cigarette and takes a few puffs]
    Linkara: NOW HE IS SMOKING IN THE CHILDREN'S TOY STORE! Where is security to get David Copperfield out of here?!
    • David explains that all he does is illusions, not magic, as real magic comes from the heart:
      Linkara: Eh, or in flintlocks. [holds up the Magic Gun]
• After spotting Mr. T, David tells Billy to go with him:
  David: I hear you're going to be taking a hansom cab ride; I wish I was going with you.
  Linkara: [as David] Unfortunately, I'm a ghost that's forever trapped in this toy store. Long story; save it for another Christmas special.
• Mr. T brings Billy aboard a horse and buggy, explaining that they'll go to Rockefeller Center and then a party afterwards:
  Mr. T: And each year at this time... a bunch of my friends get together for what you'd call a Christmas celebration.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] I mean, that's what you'd call it; I'd call it "ritual child sacrifice".
• Billy elaborates more on the situation with him and his parents, namely that he's a latchkey kid:
  Billy: My parents leave in the morning, and I don't see them until at night.
  Linkara: [as Billy] Which is really weird, because they're makeup vloggers.
• In another commercial break, we learn about the special guests appearing on the next day's edition of Today:
  Female News Anchor: Tomorrow on Today, part one of a five-part interview with Burt Reynolds. Also, Kyle MacLachlan, the young star of Dune.
  Linkara: Oh yeah, Dune came out two days before this special. The feel-good holiday film of the season!
  Baron Harkonnen: We've brought you a little cat, Thufir. You must care for it if you wish to live.
• Mr. T and Billy walk over to Radio City Music Hall to meet with comedian and ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester (or "Jim" and "Louie" as they're called in the special) to ask for their permission for Billy to attend the party; said decision is apparently up to the dummy:
  Billy: But you're a dummy.
  Louie: From what I hear, you're a bit of a dummy, yourself.
  Linkara: [as Louie] Only idiots don't like Christmas; go to Hell, lonely, neglected child!
  Louie: You've got to give me some information about yourself if you want to go inside.
  Linkara: Identity theft was a lot cuter when they had to use puppets to do it.
  • Louie says Billy has a chip on his shoulder due to his absent parents, but Billy denies this:
    Louie: I'm an expert on chips. I got chips all over my body.
    Linkara: [as Louie] You don't want to see Willie here when he gets mad; he takes it out on me!
    Louie: But Christmas is great! People shopping, sending cards!
    Linkara: Christmas is great because of capitalism!
    Billy: [pointing to Jim] And what did he ever get for Christmas?
    Louie: Me! And we've been together ever since.
    Linkara: We may fight a lot, but we stay together because the sex is fantastic!
    • Jim and Louie invite Billy to go on a walk with them and get some air, but Billy wonders who will guard the entrance if they leave; Jim says he'll let his assistant Buster handle security... and pulls out a dummy facsimile of Mr. T:
      Linkara: Oh, good God.
      Mr. T: Hey, Jim, I thought I told you to get rid of that thing. I like the other one better.
      Linkara: [as Mr. T] Stop tryin' to steal my soul, suckah!
      Buster: Oh yeah? I only got one thing to say to you, fool.
      Linkara: [as Buster] I'm actually your future self! This is what David Copperfield does to us!
      Buster: Merry Christmas.
      Mr. T: [chuckles] Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, little guy.
      B. A. Baracus: Then I'll take my fist, and then put my initials on your brain.
      Linkara: Does this mean the puppet's name is "Mr. Lowercase T"?
• As Mr. T sends Billy off to singer and actress Maureen McGovern's dressing room, he asks Jim and the dummies if Billy has the Christmas spirit yet:
  Buster: I don't think he's sold yet. But we'll keep trying.
  Linkara: [as Buster] And if he doesn't get it... then I'll swallow his soul.
  Mr. T: Thanks, Buster. Because I don't want to lose this one.
  Linkara: I mean, yeah, sure, lots of kids without families at all, poor kids, starving kids, but that's okay; let's give special treatment to the one kid who is apparently perfectly well off, but is feeling kind of "meh" about the holidays.
• Once Billy reaches the dressing room, Maureen asks him if he has any favorite Christmas songs, to which he replies he doesn't have one:
  Maureen McGovern: Well, let me try to do something about that. Come on, sit down.
  Linkara: Maureen proceeds to sing "The Christmas Shoes" and further drives Billy away from the season.
• Another ad break, another Campbell's soup commercial:
  Mother: Go ahead and eat your soup while it's nice and hot. It's your favorite, Campbell's tomato!
  Sheriff: Kid...
  Patron: Huh?
  Sheriff: Eat carefully.
  Abridged Suzaku: There's more soup!
  • Another interesting commercial appears for the now-discontinued Slice soda:
    Singer: A burst of juice in every glass!
    Announcer: 7-Up doesn't have juice.
    Linkara: Everyone talks about the direct fight of Pepsi and Coke in the cola wars, but no one talks about the thousands who died from the smaller conflict between Slice and 7-Up. [shakes his head]
    Singer: We've got the taste! We've got the twist!
    Announcer: Sprite doesn't have juice.
    Linkara: HOW MANY MUST DIE BEFORE YOU'RE SATISFIED, SLICE?!
    • Later on, a preview of the night's top story:
      Newscaster: Breaking the law with computers, the story at 10.
      Linkara: Doing illegal things with computers?! [scoffs] What an absurd concept!
• Mr. T and Billy finally arrive at the party, where several other children are hanging out playing with toys; Billy asks if they'll be exchaning different kinds of gifts:
  Mr. T: No. They all exchange the same kind of present.
  Linkara: Weed.
  Mr. T: Friendship. And it's the best gift in the world. Plus, it's free.
  Linkara: Look, Mr. T, you can just say that you couldn't afford anything. The economy sucks; we all get it.
  • After a round of Christmas songs with Maureen, Billy asks Mr. T what he'll do at the party:
    Mr. T: Well, my part comes in later, after everybody gets here.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Gotta get all these people to swear their allegiance to the T-Force.
• The next commercial break features a McDonald's ad showing a bunch of teenagers dancing:
  Linkara: Pssh! You call that dancing? Fortunately for us, we have a Ninja Style Dancer!
  Ninja Style Dancer: [sits still, out of breath and slack-jawed]
  Linkara: Dude, what the hell?
  Ninja Style Dancer: [holds up a cue card reading "Too much McDonald's"]
  • Another dancing commercial appears later on, this one focusing on milk as advertised by the Dairy Promotion Program:
    Linkara: What about this one, man? Anything?
    Ninja Style Dancer: [holds up a cue card reading "I'm lactose intolerant"]
• Mr. T tells the story of the nativity while a boys' choir provides background music:
  Mr. T: Their baby was going to be born, a baby the whole world had been waiting for... a baby that would change the entire world.
  Linkara: Twist of the evening? He's actually talking about Ed Koch.
  Mr. T: Then the innkeeper said to Mary, "There's no room in the inn." Could you believe what this man said to Mary?
  Mr. T (The "T" in I.T.): You know, you got a lotta mouth, and I got a lotta fist for your mouth.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T measuredly waves his hands] Is Mr. T conducting the choir?
  Mr. T: We even know what those presents were. They were gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
  Linkara: That's cool and all, but could they put a cigarette through a quarter? I think David Copperfield's got them beat.
  Mr. T: Kings and queens, emperors and beggars, soldiers and thieves. They all came to that manger.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] And that innkeeper was still an asshole about it!
• As the nativity story ends, Billy asks something of Mr. T:
  Billy: I'd like to go home. Would you take me home?
  Linkara: [as Billy] I hate to say it, Mr. T, but this party kind of blows.
  • Mr. T says Billy's parents can do it themselves, finally revealing themselves; they and Billy hug, but before he leaves, Billy has something he needs to take care of:
    Billy: [hands Mr. T his dollar bill]
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Ha, sweet! Okay, everybody, you can all go home; I won the bet! This suckah fell for it!
    Jim: He seems like a very nice kid. I hope he gets what he wants for Christmas.
    Mr. T: [holding up the dollar bill] I think he already did.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] I slipped him a copy of the movie D.C. Cab, what every kid wants for Christmas!
• The final commercial break contains the ad to end all ads — a promo for The A-Team:
  Announcer: Tuesday on The A-Team, who's got the guts to grab Mr. T's gold and chain him to Murdock?
  Linkara: My guess? Stare Roy. Or those guys who stole Mr. T cereal.
• The first post-credits stinger:
  David: Now, look in your pocket. I think you'll find something's back where it belongs.
  Billy: [reaches into his pocket]
  Linkara: ...And he pulls out a cigarette.

712: Top 15 Goofiest Superheroes of AT4W

• Linkara describes his debut in the Virtual YouTuber space during a collaboration with Takahata101:
  Linkara: And clearly, I am a VTuber now, since only VTubers can enter that bar. Behold my hyper-realistic model! I am the king of VTubing! [beat] After that clip, physical laws broke down and the universe almost collapsed, because apparently, three-dimensional beings can't exist in a two-dimensional one. [beat] Still the king of VTubing.
• After reminding us of the Mr. T and Emmanuel Lewis Christmas special he released the previous week, Linkara does a quick check-in:
  Linkara: Did you get what you wanted for Christmas this year? I did; I got an Earthshock-era Cyberman gun! [pulls out the gun and fires, then winces after causing damage]
• Linkara re-introduces us to Wild Thing, whose former day job was as a "virtual reality black marketeer"...
  Linkara: [shiftily] Yeah, man, I got that copy of Virtual Boy Wario Land... for the right price.
  • ...who eventually developed the ability to "physically jump into any VR game in use and interact with it":
    Linkara: Wild Thing jumping into Half-Life: Alyx to beat up the G-Man.
• On the cover of his first and only issue, the robot hero Neutro is described as not only "the most astounding super hero of all", but also "Neutro does not know the difference between right and wrong":
  Linkara: [as the cover] Neutro works for Activision!
• Remember the Amazing Cow Heroes? The superpowered cows in comics promoting Chik-Fil-A? Being reminded of the concept gets Linkara thinking:
  Linkara: So is Secret Agent Poyo from Chew supposed to be, like, the dark side to the Amazing Cow Heroes? 'Cause my money is on the killer cyborg chicken.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: [fiddling with the Cyberman gun] Why does this thing have two triggers on it? [accidentally fires the gun, then looks over in concern]

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